All language subtitles for HAPPYish.S01E01_English

Man:
This is Thomas Jefferson,

founding father
of my adopted home
of America,

which I love
with all my heart.

But then, fuck, he had
to go and write that line,

"Life, liberty,
and the pursuit of happiness."

Life, sure.
Liberty, I understand
the basic concept.

But happiness?
I mean, what the fuck
is happiness?

A BMW?
1,000 Facebook friends?

A million Twitter followers?
I wish he had been more honest.

I wish he had just said,
"Life, liberty, and the pursuit
of happiness,

whatever the fuck
that is."

Just don't keep us
guessing, Tom.

Guessing and pursuing
and failing.

Fuck you,
Thomas Jefferson!

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands. *

Group:
* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday
to you *

* You look like a monkey

* And you smell
like one, too. *

( cheering )

The game is half over, people.
The race is half run.

- Here we go.
- Speech, speech.

Well, "They give birth
astride a grave,

the light gleams
an instant,

then it is night
once more."

Half run?
Buddy, you're
gonna be lucky

if you make it
to the end of the week.

She's right, Dad.

44, that's like a million.

- Whoo!
- Hey, hey, Mom is--

Mom's almost
as old as me.

But Mom's pretty.

- Thanks, Jules, so much.
- Oh! Give it up.

- Oh, manners, mister.
- Wait, get, get--

Yeah, have some manners
like the adults.
Right, Julius?

( laughing )

Num, num, num!

I have that one.

I have, like,
five of that one.

Mine are
pretty good, though.

Mine came in a set,

so I also have
the Dragon Copter

and Sensei Wu.

Yours is junk.

Hey, hey, you know
what I've noticed
about your kid?

- He's an asshole.
- Yes, he's a fucking asshole.

- I don't know how
that happened, but...
- So it's not just Julius?

No, no, he's an asshole
to everybody. Kids hate him.

He's an asshole because
his father was an asshole.

Still.
Your ex is still
an asshole.

An asshole doesn't fall
far from the tree.

- He'll grow out of it.
- I don't think that's the kind
of assholeness you outgrow.

We're just hoping for,
you know, an average prick.
Just a run-of-the-mill dick.

I don't know, Thom.
Couple years from now,
Jules could be an asshole, too.

I don't think so.
A pussy, maybe.

Well, I would rather have
an asshole than a pussy.

It is tough
out there, people.

Asshole's not
a bad way to go.

- Not a bad way to go.
- Come on, lady.

- ( women laughing )
- Oh, my God.

You ask me,
Julius is just too happy.

- Too happy?
- You make a kid happy
in this world,

you're setting them up.
That's child abuse.

Trust me, Thom.
Your only shot at
happiness in this world

is a miserable childhood.
The shittier the better.

That's what I should
call my book.

Yeah, "The Joy of Misery"
by Thom Payne.

- A book?
- Yeah.

- What's a book?
- Yeah, no shit.

( women laugh )

( crows cawing )

It's okay.
They're watching "Frozen."

See? Pussy.

Speaking of pussies,

Monica is getting
hers done.

- Her what?
- Her pussy.

- Done?
- Tightened.

- What the fuck
are you talking about?
- What?

She's 37,
she's done having kids,
she wants a tighter cooch.

That's bullshit.
That's totally for Jason.

I don't know.
My sister had three kids.

She said she can park
her car up in there now.

- But like a Smart car.
- The girl drives a Hummer.

Wait a minute.
I want to get
this straight.

Her pussy is good enough
for him to fuck,

good enough
for him to eat,

good enough
to bear his child,

now he just wants
it tighter?

Think he should
just go fuck himself.

Can he say how tight
he wants it?

Well, she's at
a beer can now.

So he probably wants,
what, a shot glass?

He looks like
a pencil dick to me.

Maybe she should
just go with sharpener.

( laughing )

Could he go in the surgery
and, you know, like test
the vagina?

Yo, Doc, you're close,
but can you give it
another turn or two?

- Oh, my God.
- Mr. Lesko, I got it down
to a 22-year-old.

Legally, I can only
go to an 18.

Hey, Doc,
while you're down there,

can you loosen up
her shithole?

- ( laughter )
- Okay, they're coming.
They're coming.

Where's the joint?

Thom:
"George was a very,
very good monkey.

He was also
very curious."

And he was a real
pain in the butt.

- Dad.
- He deserved
a good slap,

somebody to teach
him a lesson.

"You can't just steal
a spaceship

and fly it to the moon,
monkey boy."

Dad, read it normal.

Hey, hey.
I love you, buddy.

You're old.

I'm not old.
I'm-- I'm-- I'm--

I'm oldish.

Are you going to die?

Am I gonna die?
Boy...

You know,

the truth is, Julius,
I am going to die,

but not for a very,
very long time.

( high-pitched )
First I got to start
speaking like this.

- ( giggling )
- And then I got to start
losing my teeth.

- Then I got to start
pooping in my diapers.
- ( squealing )

Hey, how about tomorrow

we get burgers at Five Guys,
then Funny Farm?

Yes.

Low.

Okay.

You know the drill.

- ( woman moaning on laptop )
- Man: You like that? Yeah.

Woman:
Oh, yeah, baby.
Fuck my ass.

There we go.
In through the out door.

Come on,
take it seriously.

- She's in agony.
- ( laughs )

- She's faking it.
- No, she is not
faking it.

There's a gigantic cock
shoved up her asshole.

Hang on, you can't say
that she's faking
the pleasure,

but she's not faking it
when it's pain.

You got to be consistent.
I was watching that.

Oh, I think it's easier
to fake pleasure.

Yeah?
Well, that's reassuring.

( laughs )

Is this a birthday
present or what?

Porno, shaved pussies.

You know,
I read something about
Alzheimer's the other day.

( sighs )
Are we gonna fuck?

It said that not sleeping
could be an indicator

of early-onset
Alzheimer's.

Are we gonna fuck?

So now I can't sleep
because I'm worried

that my not sleeping
means I have Alzheimer's.

I mean, why are they
telling me this?

Is it the not sleeping
that causes Alzheimer's

or Alzheimer's
that makes you not sleep?

I don't know what
I'm supposed to do
with that information.

( clears throat )

Do you think my pussy
needs tightening?

What?

I thought maybe
it would be better
for you if it was tighter.

Oh, baby, baby, listen.
Come here. Hey.

Why bother
with you at all?

I could just
get a bottle of wine
and a blood pressure cuff.

- ( laughs )
- You know, baby?

It's not--
honey, it's not you.

It's the fucking Prozac.
It's a hard-on killer.

Why don't we
just try a Viagra?

They're a client, right?

Keebler gives you
all those fucking cookies.

I'm worried the Viagra will
interfere with the Prozac,
you know?

That's life.

You know, happy and soft
or miserable and hard.

I would be totally fine
with miserable and hard.

- ( laughs )
- Just for the record,
if you--

Julius:
Mom!

( sighs )

- We're not fucking.
- We're not fucking.

- ( groans )
- Mom!

Coming, honey.

You know, I used
to like shaved pussies.

Oh, here we go.

But now whenever I see them,
all I can think of

is that fucking
Vietnamese girl
running down the street

covered in napalm.

I can barely
watch porn anymore.

That is the real tragedy
of chemical warfare.

- Julius: Mom!
- I'm right here, sweetheart.

Hey, can you not read Julius
"Curious George" before bed?

He's terrified
of the Man in the Yellow Hat.

He's fearful.
He's a fearful child.

No, you're fearful.
He's six.

I'm fearful
that he's fearful.

( groans )

( sighs )

Fucking asshole.

( train whistle blows )

Check it out.
Steve Jobs' book.

- Read it.
- You read the hardcover.

I read the hardcover
and the paperback.

This is the Kindle
version of the paperback
of the hardcover.

- No way.
- Way.

Wanted to read the new format
before the movie came out.

90 pages of new material.

So, it's the night before
the launch of the iPod.

Jobs goes down to the factory
to check things out,

- only he doesn't
like the sound.
- What sound?

- The headphone jack sound.
- The click?

The sound.
He wants a better sound.

So he gets a team
of 100 engineers to work
all night to replace them.

- 100?
- All night.

Guy was a genius.

Guy was
a fucking genius.

( train whistle blows )

Thom:
Which brings me back
to Thomas Jefferson.

Thomas Jefferson
isn't the problem.

Jefferson was trying
to help.

It's me.
I'm the fucking problem.

My name is Thomas Payne
and I...

( sounds overlapping )

Thom:
I work for Satan.

I've worked for the Dark Lord
for 20 years now

and so I say this with
a fair degree of authority,

fuck "Mad Men."

There's nothing cool
about advertising.

There's nothing
interesting.

We do the same thing
that everyone else

in the world does
these days.

We kiss
the zit-covered asses

of arrogant,
know-nothing teenagers.

It's "Lord of the Flies"
out there, folks.

And everyone over 18
is Piggy.

Woman:
I'm fucked, Thom.
We all are.

When did he make
this announcement?

This morning.
Do you know them?

I know of them.
They're the Swedes.

- That's what
everyone calls them.
- Gustaf and Gottfrid.

So, what, Jonathan
just announces these
new creative directors,

calls you into his office
and fires you?

No, but they will.
I know it.

Debbie, you're the best
account director
this company has.

( scoffs )
I could be their mother.

That doesn't mean
they want to fire you.

It means they want
to fuck you.

Oh, they're gonna
fuck me.

Trust me,
they are gonna fuck me!

They're not gonna fire you.
I won't let them.

You don't have any power.

I have some power.

Not anymore.

So why are you
bitching to me?

Because you have heart.

And that's why
you have no power.

( knocks )
Jonathan wants
to see you at 12:00.

Am I being fired?

Mikal phoned,
wants to know
if he's being fired.

Tracey phoned, wants to know
if she's being fired.

Larry phoned,
wants to know
if you're being fired.

- It's gonna be a fun day.
- You know what? Fuck this.

- Tell Jonathan
I want to see him now.
- I'll tell Jonathan

you want to see him
now regardless of prior
schedule commitments.

I don't care which
Swedish dick he's sucking.

What is that,
some kind of Radar thing?

She's been with me
way too long.

- Radar?
- O'Reilly.
From "MASH."

What's "MASH"?

Oh, my God.
How old aren't you?

Can you do a 5:30
face-to-face with
Gustaf and Gottfrid?

Who schedules
a meeting at 5:30?

- Gustaf and Gottfrid.
- Maybe they're still
on Swedish time?

Well, I promised
Jules I'd take him
to Five Guys tonight.

Okay.

Fuck it!
All right, tell them
I'll be there.

Got it.

Reporter:
The Charlie Hebdo shootings

suggest a new al-Qaeda,
experts say.

You got to hand it
to bin Laden.

What'd he spend on 9/11?
Couple hundred grand?

I couldn't make
a Web film for that much.

Al-Qaeda's been
on the cover of every
magazine ever since.

9/10, no one ever
heard of that brand.

9/12, not a person
alive who hadn't.

ISIS comes along,
expands the market
to the West.

- Women are joining that group.
Did you know that?
- Yeah.

These homicidal
motherfuckers are
fantastic marketers.

Al-Qaeda is not
a brand, Jonathan.

It's a terrorist
organization.

Everything's a brand, Thom.
I'm a brand, you're a brand.

- God's a brand.
And a brand in trouble.
- ( TV turns off )

Are you getting fired?

Things have changed, Thom.

Thinking is not
as important as tweeting.

Gustaf and Gottfrid have
thousands of followers
and you're on AOL.

Sorry, am I getting
fired for not having
a Facebook account?

You test poorly, Thom.
You taste great,

but it's
a less filling world.

Your clothes suck,
you're out of shape.
You're 44.

Fuck you,
you 52-year-old,

skinny jeans-wearing
asshole.

Executive level, Thom.

The City of Refuge
for the bespectacled

lumpenproles
of the 50-plus crowd.

The board has given
the Swedes control of
the creative department.

- They want
to turn things around.
- I have to report to them?

Jesus Christ, Thom.
The industry is in
the shitter.

You know that.
They all are.

We've hit peak America.

We're sitting
in a puddle of was.

In a couple of months,
I expect to be replaced
by a fucking app.

Look, I love you, Thom,

but if you want
to survive this,

you've got
to play the game.

So marketer,
rebrand thyself.

Thom:
There must be
somewhere I can go.

Where do you want to go?
You want to go to some
fucking digital company

where you're coming up
with shitty Facebook
ideas all day?

They won't touch you.
Do you know that
the average age

of the Facebook
employee is 26?

31 at Google.
33 at Apple.

You stay at MGT.
Kiss some Nordic ass.

Write your fucking novel.
And I'm a headhunter.

I lose money
telling you this shit.

You still need
a copywriter, right?

Did you check out
Gwen's portfolio?

She's a fucking genius.

Great work for Geico gecko
and the Aflac goose.

It's a duck,
by the way.

Oh, now, that's
even funnier.
( laughs )

I just think,
I don't know,

I'd be happier
someplace else.

That's a myth, Thom.

You're as happy right now
as you can ever be.

We each have our own
joy ceiling.

It doesn't matter how much
fucking money you have

or how perfect
your family is

or how many Pulitzers
you win.

You hit your joy ceiling
and you're done.

That's why Jesus wept.
Low joy ceiling.

Richard Simmons,
high joy ceiling.

And that fucking monk,
what's his name?

Thich Nhat
whatever the fuck,
very high joy ceiling.

Thom Payne,
low joy ceiling.

It's not the pursuit
of happiness that's
our problem.

It's our inability to accept
when we have maxed out.

You think
you're not happy?

Trust me, Thom, you couldn't
possibly be happier.

Forta-Dude.

"Get amped and ripped
as you max out those reps
like never before."

Jesus, fuck.

Man:
Okay, Thom Payne.

By show of hands,
how many of you find
Thom likable?

( group laughs )

Does anybody here
find Thom likable?

- ( group laughs )
- Nobody? Interesting.

How many of you would like
to be like Thom someday?

- Man: Hell, no.
- Hey, let me ask you this.

How many of you think
Thom should just kill himself?

- That's a yes.
- Why?

Because I don't look
like this shithead?

I'm not supposed
to look like that.

I have a job,
a wife, and a child.

Do you know how much time

this ridiculous asshole
spends to look like that?

Hours every fucking day.

Do you know how much
self-loathing it requires
to have washboard abs?

How much you've got
to hate yourself to work
that fucking hard?

Abs don't tell the world
you're healthy.

They tell the world
you're one Twinkie away
from killing yourself.

It's true.
I hate myself.

I pursue
an impossible standard
of physical perfection

in the hope it will
make me worthy of love.

- Thank you.
- Again with the projection.

Bitch projects like
a motherfucker, yo.

Chill out, Thom.
Camus said Sisyphus

was happy in his absurd
existence, a'ight?

Camus also said that
the ridiculousness of life

requires revolt,
not suicide.

Okay, show of hands,
how many of you think Thom
is capable of revolt?

- ( group snickers )
- Interesting.

Mmm, interesting.
Go fuck yourselves.

Nice tits, asshole.

Lee:
Hey, honey, it's me.
It's about 4:00.

Listen, don't worry about it.
Jules is gonna be fine.

Fathers miss dinner
all the time.

So why don't you
just get in there,

tell those Swedes
how much you love IKEA

and Douchen-Baggen
duvet covers

and freestanding
Bergen-Belsen lamps,

and we'll meet you
at the Funny Farm, okay?

- I love you.
- ( sighs )

( belches )

( applause )

( cheering )

Thank you.
Thank you.

Now, what we have
to do first is take a look
at all the accounts

and say where can we be
doing the better work?

Yeah? Where are
the opportunities
for disruption?

For misruption?

Business today travels
at the speed of ideas.

And you don't
have to like it,
but you can't ignore it.

First we had
the black and white, yeah?

Then came color.

What comes after color?

You tell us.

What would Steve Jobs do
with the Army account?

Yeah? Or even at brands
like Keebler?

How are we using
the social?

Maybe it's time we shipped
the little elves off to Miami.

- ( laughter )
- For a, uh, how do
you say it?

( whispering )

A forced retirement.

( laughter )

( mocking laughter )

- Why?
- Why what?

Why does Keebler need
a social media plan?

Because
it isn't the '90s.

- ( laughter )
- It's a cookie, Gustaf.

- I'm Gottfrid.
- Oh, right, well,
you know, unfriend me.

- ( laughter )
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

You know,
I bought some--

excuse me--
Pepto-Bismol yesterday.

That's what I get for eating
in the downstairs cafeteria.

- ( laughter )
- And on the side
of the package

- I swear it said,
"Follow us on Twitter."
- Yeah. Yeah.

Who the fuck wants to follow
Pepto-Bismol on Twitter?

Are you that lonely?

I mean, what the fuck
is wrong with your
fucking asshole

that you need to follow
Pepto-Bismol on Twitter?

What is it?
Is it like I need
to take a shit.

Hmm, I wonder what's going on
in the pink bismuth world.

- ( murmuring )
- ( man clearing throat )

Look, Keebler had
its best year last year

and old or not,
those elves are beloved
in this country.

Gottfrid:
My grandparents
are beloved, too,

- but I'm not going
to hire them, am I?
- ( laughter )

Gottfrid, I don't think
we have enough money in
the budget for both of them.

- ( laughter )
- That right there is something
that we need to change.

This technophobia.

I agree.
Why don't we fire
your grandparents?

- Maybe, Thom.
- Maybe, maybe.

I'm sorry, I'm feeling
a little strange.

I'm gonna take
a lie-down.

But if any of you
are Pinterested,

you can follow
my fucking asshole
on Twitter.

( murmuring )

Okay,
some strong opinions.

( laughter )

( gunshots )

Fuck!
What the fuck?

Thom:
Fast Eddie.

( gunshot )

Ernie?

Ernie?

Hold it right there.

Ernie, what the hell
are you doing?

46 years, Thom.

46 fucking years
I gave that company

living in this
fucking tree, Thom.

And now they're
going to fire me?

Well, not if I
kill us all first.

Ernie, Ernie,
no one's gonna fire you.

- I won't let them.
- You fucking pussy.

You'll be lucky
if they don't fire you.

Ernie, what about
JJ and Buckets?

And Elmer?
Little Elmer.

Doesn't Elmer
deserve a father?

A father who takes it up
the ass his whole life.

Shit, they might as well
just move in with you.

No, no, no, stop.
We can make this
right, Ernie.

We can make it right.
Like-- like Steve Jobs.

Like Steve what?

The jack.
The iPod jack.

He wanted to make
a bad situation right,

so he had 100 engineers

fix every single one
and work all night.

Just to make
it right, Ernie.

They worked all night?

All night, buddy.

He sounds like
a fucking prick.

- ( gunshot )
- ( screams )

- Ma!
- Oh, my Ernie.

My Ernie.
Oh, no.

- So sorry.
- ( sobbing ) No!

- I'm so sorry.
- No.

Oh!

( moaning )

Oh, my stars!

So soft.

So chewy.

Oh, Thom.
What are you doing?

Oh, Thom.
Thom, I have waited
so long for this.

Oh, my, Thom.

That's uncommonly good.
Ooh!

You're double-stuffed.
( moaning )

You're so fucking
double-stuffed. Huh?

- Thom?
- You gonna take
your teeth out, hmm?

Ahem, Thom,
they canceled.

- What time is it?
- 6:30.

- I'm late.
- They canceled.

- Jules?
- The Swedes.

Oh, motherfuckers!

( children playing )

Julius, want to go
down the slide, honey?

No, I don't want
to go down.

Okay, you don't--
you don't have to go
down the slide

if you don't want to.
Don't do it for me, honey.

If you don't
want to go down,
don't go down.

My Alexander
used to be like that.

Now he goes down
headfirst.

- Used to be like what?
- What?

You said your son
used to be like that.
Be like what?

Oh, just, you know.

Why don't you mind
your own fucking business?

Jules, just--
just come on down.

We're here
to have fun.

- I was just
trying to be helpful.
- No, you weren't.

You were
trying to be superior
at the Funny Farm.

- It's fucking pathetic.
- ( phone rings )

Hi.

- They canceled.
- Are you kidding me?

- Oh, this is bullshit, Thom.
- There's nothing I can do.

Oh, well, they don't have
families, they don't have kids,
why would they give a shit?

They are fucking kids.
I still can't tell them
to fuck off.

Thom, it's fucking
bullshit.

How's Julius?

Is he just sitting there
doing nothing?

No, he's having
a great time.

Let me talk to him.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's Dada.

Hi, Dada.

Hey, buddy boy.

What's going on?
You having fun?

Not really.

Hey, Dad,
your balloon is dying.

The red one
from your party.

Thom:
Hey, I'll get you
a new one, I promise.

And, hey,

I'm really sorry
I wasn't there today, okay?

Sure, I know.

Next week, I promise.

Okay, we'll go next week.
Bye, Dada.

Bye, buddy.

Jonathan?

( sniffing )
Martini?

( sniffing )
A little dirty.

( sniffing )
Vodka. Vodka?

Gin. Face-to-face
with the Swedes

down at the bar cleaning up
your fucking mess.

You can't remember
their names, can you?

- Fuck you, Thom.
- Excuse me?

'Tis pity
we're all whores,
isn't it, Thom?

Everyone but you.

I must say, that was
a stirring oratory

you delivered earlier on
the rights of animated elves.

You suck the same cocks
we all do, Thom.

Wincing at the taste
doesn't make you
a better man,

it only makes you
a worse whore.

So if you're gonna show me
the error of my ways,

do it from the cedar deck
of your four-bedroom,

two-and-a-half-bath
American dream

that you earned
the same way I earned mine.

You should drink more, Jon.

I couldn't possibly.

( whispering )
What's that?

That's just balloons.

Oh, thank you, you dick.
I meant in the bag.

Oh, that's
some champagne.

Hmm.

And 50mg of hard-on.

Are we fucking?

Yes, we're fucking.

"Chemical cock."
My favorite.

Except I took
some 20 minutes ago
and nothing's happened.

Oh, no, wait.
There it is.

- Stand back.
- Yeah, mmm.

Whoa.
( laughs )

- Our safe word is "Swede."
- Let's do it.

- Yeah.
- Imagine the scenario...

Thom:
Sometimes
on the way to work,

I like to imagine
Samuel Beckett

waiting for,
let's say,

the 6:47 to Grand Central.

And Sam's pissed off.
He hates his job.

Wants to write,
wants to do something
that matters.

But he does
his shitty job every day

because Sam loves his wife
and they love their child.

And somehow Sam's found
a sliver of happiness

in this shitpile
of a world.

So basically,
Sam's fucked.

( clamoring )

My apologies.

Thom:
Because if he wants
to keep that happiness,

Sam's got to suck
some cock.

The same cocks we all do.

So Beckett takes
his seat on the train,

fires up his iPad
and he thinks,

"I can't go on.
I'll go on to Target.

It's 30% off
all skinny jeans

till next
motherfucking Monday."

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, then your face
will surely show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're happy and you
know it, clap your hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands *

* If you're
happy and you know it,
then motherfucking show it *

* If you're happy
and you know it, clap your
motherfucking hands *

* If you're happy
and you know it,
clap your hands. *