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1
00:00:13,181 --> 00:00:15,981
NARRATOR: Brick Novax
is Detective Filthy
Larry Gallivan
2
00:00:16,050 --> 00:00:18,750
in Unforeseen Collision.
3
00:00:18,819 --> 00:00:20,349
(GUN FIRING)
4
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,961
We are in the space
of infinity.
5
00:00:22,022 --> 00:00:23,562
(LAUGHING)
6
00:00:23,624 --> 00:00:25,234
Space of infinity!
(EXCLAIMS)
7
00:00:26,127 --> 00:00:27,757
Anything is possible!
8
00:00:27,828 --> 00:00:31,398
I must warn you,
I have salt and
pepper pubes.
9
00:00:32,400 --> 00:00:34,070
What's our lady refs motto?
10
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:35,835
Keep it clean,
keep it tight.
11
00:00:35,903 --> 00:00:37,543
BOTH: Like our pussies.
12
00:00:50,084 --> 00:00:51,794
Hello. I'm Ed Halligan,
13
00:00:51,852 --> 00:00:55,922
your host for tonight's
episode of Funny or Die
Presents.
14
00:00:55,989 --> 00:00:58,959
If you don't know,
Funny or Die is
and Internet company.
15
00:00:59,026 --> 00:01:02,356
You walk the halls here
and you see kids of all
shapes and sizes
16
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,300
running around,
willy-nilly,
17
00:01:04,365 --> 00:01:05,895
creating at the
speed of light.
18
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:09,096
A frenzy of free-wheeling,
colorful activity.
19
00:01:09,170 --> 00:01:12,410
Dynamic, exciting and
forward-moving.
20
00:01:13,674 --> 00:01:15,484
But you know what?
21
00:01:15,543 --> 00:01:18,213
I want to let you
in on something.
22
00:01:18,279 --> 00:01:21,219
I think about
technology a lot.
23
00:01:21,282 --> 00:01:24,492
Sometimes I like to close
the door to my office,
24
00:01:24,552 --> 00:01:28,222
turn down the lights,
really let my thoughts go.
25
00:01:28,289 --> 00:01:31,059
I try to get beyond
what we do here.
26
00:01:31,125 --> 00:01:33,225
The Internet and
social networks.
27
00:01:33,294 --> 00:01:35,464
Texting and twittering
and typing.
28
00:01:35,529 --> 00:01:39,729
My mind sails on past
character streams of
encoded data.
29
00:01:39,800 --> 00:01:42,900
Bytes and bits of data,
binary codes,
30
00:01:42,970 --> 00:01:44,740
codes on hyper cubes,
31
00:01:44,805 --> 00:01:48,005
systems within systems,
systematically encircling
one another,
32
00:01:48,075 --> 00:01:52,875
like strange lovers lost
in abstract relationships.
33
00:01:52,946 --> 00:01:55,016
Quickly now, I race on.
34
00:01:55,082 --> 00:01:58,452
I'm entering a new space
with new symbols and sounds.
35
00:01:58,519 --> 00:02:00,049
(GASPS) They haven't
been invented yet.
36
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:01,960
Maybe I'm not allowed here.
37
00:02:02,022 --> 00:02:04,162
What if someone catches me?
38
00:02:04,225 --> 00:02:07,295
I hear noises never
noised before.
39
00:02:07,361 --> 00:02:09,961
Shapeless shapes
lurking in the corners.
40
00:02:10,030 --> 00:02:11,870
Technology beyond technology,
41
00:02:11,932 --> 00:02:13,672
unfolding like folding chairs.
42
00:02:13,734 --> 00:02:16,474
Snapping at me with
their metallic jaws.
43
00:02:16,537 --> 00:02:17,907
(WHISPERS)
I've got to get
out of here.
44
00:02:17,971 --> 00:02:22,041
My mind races on.
"Go, man go!" Until...
45
00:02:22,109 --> 00:02:23,809
(WHISPERS) There it is.
46
00:02:23,877 --> 00:02:25,777
A tiny door
47
00:02:25,846 --> 00:02:32,016
with a kind of knobless knob
for a handle, all green and
white.
48
00:02:32,085 --> 00:02:33,485
And then
49
00:02:34,622 --> 00:02:36,622
I'm back.
50
00:02:36,690 --> 00:02:41,700
With my carpet and my stapler
and my tie and my pictures
and my gift books
51
00:02:41,762 --> 00:02:44,672
and my knickknacks
and my bowl of nuts
52
00:02:44,732 --> 00:02:47,202
and this little thing
right here. I'm not
sure what it is,
53
00:02:47,268 --> 00:02:49,668
but it's here
and I'm happy about it.
54
00:02:49,737 --> 00:02:51,467
I'm back.
55
00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,902
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Funny or Die
Presents...
56
00:03:21,969 --> 00:03:25,369
Brick Novax's Diary,
57
00:03:25,439 --> 00:03:29,009
the final episode of
Lady Refs,
58
00:03:29,076 --> 00:03:32,576
the movie of the week,
Crazy Town,
59
00:03:32,646 --> 00:03:35,576
and Welcome to My Study.
60
00:04:21,128 --> 00:04:24,928
NOVAX: My name, Brick Novax.
61
00:04:33,073 --> 00:04:35,413
I'm known for two things.
62
00:04:35,476 --> 00:04:38,476
My many heroic exploits
63
00:04:38,546 --> 00:04:42,346
and my legendary
prodigious substance intake.
64
00:04:42,416 --> 00:04:45,516
Now, with two weeks
left to live,
65
00:04:45,586 --> 00:04:48,186
I've holed up here,
in the Clyde Motel
66
00:04:48,255 --> 00:04:52,125
to record my memories
and preserve my legacy.
67
00:04:52,192 --> 00:04:54,092
This is my life.
68
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:57,901
This is Brick Novax's Diary.
69
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,353
(TAPE RECORDER CLICKS)
70
00:05:17,818 --> 00:05:20,588
Testing one, two, one, two.
71
00:05:20,654 --> 00:05:23,464
Still another entry
in my diary.
72
00:05:23,524 --> 00:05:25,494
I'm gonna talk about
some time ago
73
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:27,799
when I was Japan's
biggest movie star.
74
00:05:27,861 --> 00:05:30,031
I had made
international
headlines.
75
00:05:30,097 --> 00:05:32,727
And Brick Novax is still
at large after stealing
a motorcycle
76
00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:34,900
and riding it
around the world.
77
00:05:34,968 --> 00:05:37,438
Authorities believe he's
living in Tokyo's
Little Kansas neighborhood.
78
00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,905
It's unclear.
NOVAX: I was seen by
noted Japanese film director,
79
00:05:39,973 --> 00:05:41,413
Kira Orasawa,
80
00:05:41,475 --> 00:05:43,435
who dug my outlaw style
81
00:05:43,511 --> 00:05:48,321
and immediately hired me
to star in his series of
udon noodle crime dramas.
82
00:05:48,382 --> 00:05:51,692
NARRATOR:
Brick Novax is Detective
Filthy Larry Gallivan
83
00:05:51,752 --> 00:05:53,992
in Unforeseen Collision.
84
00:05:54,054 --> 00:05:55,264
(GUN FIRING)
85
00:05:55,322 --> 00:05:57,632
Lights! Camera! Murder!
86
00:05:59,159 --> 00:06:01,059
Parallel larceny.
87
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:04,428
But even though I was rich
beyond my wildest dreams,
mis amigos,
88
00:06:04,498 --> 00:06:06,098
one thing still plagued me.
89
00:06:06,166 --> 00:06:08,036
Bulge pinch.
90
00:06:08,101 --> 00:06:10,241
No Japanese slacks
could prevent it.
91
00:06:10,303 --> 00:06:14,513
So I poured my cash
into developing a new
kind of pant.
92
00:06:14,575 --> 00:06:17,035
Brick Novax's
Fake-O-Flex Slacks.
93
00:06:17,110 --> 00:06:19,810
Now all we had to do
was market them.
94
00:06:21,949 --> 00:06:25,419
* Why can't they make slacks
95
00:06:25,486 --> 00:06:28,856
* That help me relax?
96
00:06:28,922 --> 00:06:32,792
* Give me an extra inch
Now it's a cinch
97
00:06:34,361 --> 00:06:36,831
* A no-bulge pinch
98
00:06:36,897 --> 00:06:39,997
* Maybe some slacks that fit
99
00:06:40,067 --> 00:06:44,097
* Showcase my bulge
without pinching it
100
00:06:44,171 --> 00:06:47,511
* Even a tiny little bit
101
00:06:47,575 --> 00:06:52,175
* I'm more legit
than Sonny Stitt
102
00:06:53,747 --> 00:06:56,547
* Yeah, yeah, yeah
103
00:06:56,617 --> 00:06:57,947
* Slacks!
104
00:06:58,018 --> 00:07:00,288
* And if you don't have a clue
105
00:07:00,353 --> 00:07:01,963
* Slacks
106
00:07:02,022 --> 00:07:04,732
* Well, get into some slacks *
107
00:07:04,792 --> 00:07:06,762
We were a worldwide smash.
108
00:07:06,827 --> 00:07:10,497
And all the proceeds went
to the Novax Amalgamation
for Dolphin Awareness.
109
00:07:10,564 --> 00:07:14,504
But then, reports came in
that people wearing
Fake-O-Flex Slacks
110
00:07:14,568 --> 00:07:16,398
began to develop a rash.
111
00:07:16,470 --> 00:07:20,240
A rash more painful
than two tigers devouring
a helpless gazelle.
112
00:07:20,307 --> 00:07:21,607
(TIGERS GROWLING)
113
00:07:23,911 --> 00:07:26,811
The lawsuits ruined us
and, again, I was destitute.
114
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,520
But you know what,
champions?
115
00:07:28,582 --> 00:07:30,852
I tried to make this
world a better place.
116
00:07:30,918 --> 00:07:35,518
To this day, a pair
of my slacks still hang
in the Slacksonian Institute.
117
00:07:35,589 --> 00:07:37,929
So if I have one thing
to say, it's this.
118
00:07:37,991 --> 00:07:42,661
No one knows how many ticks
of the Timex they get on this
crazy, big, blue marble.
119
00:07:42,730 --> 00:07:46,630
So you got to make the most
out of this thing called life,
my brothers and sisters.
120
00:07:49,770 --> 00:07:51,740
Always be yourself.
121
00:07:51,805 --> 00:07:53,965
Dream big dreams.
122
00:07:54,041 --> 00:07:57,211
And never, never
ration good times.
123
00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:03,179
* Be yourself
124
00:08:03,250 --> 00:08:08,090
* And dream big dreams
125
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:13,625
* And never ration
good times *
126
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:19,766
(WHISTLING)
127
00:08:41,889 --> 00:08:44,359
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Previously on Lady Refs...
128
00:08:44,424 --> 00:08:47,094
The ref with the mullet
returned from Afghanistan.
129
00:08:47,160 --> 00:08:48,430
And now she can't keep
her shit together.
130
00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,755
Ow!
131
00:08:50,831 --> 00:08:54,601
The ref who looks like
Shane from The L Word had
experimental knee surgery.
132
00:08:54,668 --> 00:08:58,868
And the ref with the '90s
scrunchie who always looks
conflicted
133
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,184
used bribe money
to pay for it.
134
00:09:03,243 --> 00:09:06,553
'Cause, you know,
she might go gay.
135
00:09:09,149 --> 00:09:12,919
Jablonsky, no time to
suffer from post-traumatic
stress disorder
136
00:09:12,986 --> 00:09:15,156
when you've got
the finals to ref.
137
00:09:15,222 --> 00:09:18,232
Come on, Kennedy,
just ref one dishonest game
138
00:09:18,291 --> 00:09:20,831
and then no one will
ever know you took a bribe.
139
00:09:20,894 --> 00:09:22,264
Hmm?
140
00:09:22,329 --> 00:09:23,829
Goddamn ACL.
141
00:09:23,897 --> 00:09:27,297
I can't believe I don't get
to ref the fucking finals!
142
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,297
Ladies, big news.
143
00:09:29,369 --> 00:09:33,339
There's gonna be a scout
today from the World Cup
looking for referees.
144
00:09:33,406 --> 00:09:34,976
Oh, man.
Not today.
145
00:09:35,042 --> 00:09:36,642
And, Kennedy,
146
00:09:36,710 --> 00:09:38,650
your wedding is
at halftime.
147
00:09:43,383 --> 00:09:46,053
(WOMEN LAUGHING)
148
00:09:50,490 --> 00:09:51,660
(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
149
00:09:53,160 --> 00:09:55,100
* If you're offsides,
out of bounds
150
00:09:55,162 --> 00:09:56,732
* To play real rough
and show them down
151
00:09:56,797 --> 00:09:58,167
* Even you would get a bump
152
00:09:58,231 --> 00:09:59,931
* 'Cause when I kick
I kick it hard
153
00:10:00,000 --> 00:10:02,840
* Every time you hear
the whistle go
154
00:10:02,903 --> 00:10:04,603
* That's me in control
155
00:10:04,672 --> 00:10:05,912
* We're playing sudden death
156
00:10:05,973 --> 00:10:09,983
* Lady refs *
157
00:10:18,518 --> 00:10:19,718
(CHEERING)
158
00:10:23,590 --> 00:10:24,790
Capisce?
159
00:10:24,858 --> 00:10:27,328
A bribe. What do I do?
160
00:10:29,596 --> 00:10:30,996
(WHISPERS) No.
161
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,630
No goal.
162
00:10:34,702 --> 00:10:35,772
(PEOPLE BOOING)
It was offsides.
163
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,566
The goal doesn't count.
164
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:40,067
What? That wasn't offsides.
165
00:10:40,140 --> 00:10:41,240
(SIGHS)
166
00:10:42,442 --> 00:10:44,212
You're out of here.
167
00:10:44,277 --> 00:10:46,007
What?
Get out of here.
168
00:10:46,079 --> 00:10:49,019
Go back to your cave,
you terrorist.
169
00:10:49,082 --> 00:10:51,382
She can't ref a game
when her head's in
Afghanistan.
170
00:10:51,451 --> 00:10:53,351
Get me in there!
171
00:10:53,420 --> 00:10:55,560
(GROANS) Damn it!
172
00:10:55,622 --> 00:10:57,322
Kennedy, call halftime.
173
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,630
Lady ref meeting.
174
00:10:58,692 --> 00:11:00,062
KENNEDY: That's halftime.
175
00:11:00,127 --> 00:11:01,587
She just say "halftime"?
She said "halftime"?
176
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,931
All right, this is my big day,
guys. It's my big day.
177
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,097
Roll out the flowers please.
178
00:11:05,165 --> 00:11:06,225
We need to bring
the aisles in.
179
00:11:07,835 --> 00:11:09,465
What's our lady refs motto?
180
00:11:09,536 --> 00:11:11,666
Keep it clean,
keep it tight.
181
00:11:11,739 --> 00:11:13,369
BOTH: Like our pussies.
182
00:11:13,440 --> 00:11:16,080
Like our pussies.
What the fuck is
wrong with you two?
183
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:18,213
Kennedy, you're refing
a dirty game.
184
00:11:18,278 --> 00:11:21,278
And I can't for the life of me
figure out why.
185
00:11:21,348 --> 00:11:22,948
I did it for you, okay?
186
00:11:23,016 --> 00:11:26,846
I took a $20 bribe
to save your life.
187
00:11:26,920 --> 00:11:28,920
'Cause I...
'Cause nothing.
188
00:11:28,989 --> 00:11:30,389
You're getting married.
189
00:11:31,859 --> 00:11:34,129
Jablonsky, zip me up, man.
190
00:11:36,830 --> 00:11:38,400
How can I be so stupid?
191
00:11:38,465 --> 00:11:41,165
To think that shower meant
anything to you.
192
00:11:46,439 --> 00:11:47,739
Anything.
193
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,248
Hey, what are you doing?
194
00:11:56,316 --> 00:11:58,816
I'm going after
the woman I love.
195
00:12:00,287 --> 00:12:01,347
So am I.
196
00:12:12,732 --> 00:12:14,172
(MOANS)
197
00:12:16,569 --> 00:12:17,809
No!
198
00:12:19,172 --> 00:12:20,772
(DISTORTED)
I love you!
199
00:12:24,812 --> 00:12:25,952
(GROANS)
200
00:12:26,013 --> 00:12:27,313
I love you, too.
201
00:12:30,450 --> 00:12:33,290
I've had these feelings,
but I've been so scared.
202
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,963
(SHUSHING) You don't have
to ever be scared again,
203
00:12:36,023 --> 00:12:39,133
'cause I'll always
be by your side.
204
00:12:39,192 --> 00:12:41,292
Hey, you've got just
the kind of balls
205
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:44,331
that we at the World Cup are
looking for in a referee.
206
00:12:47,334 --> 00:12:50,144
How would you like
to go to South America?
207
00:12:50,203 --> 00:12:53,243
You bet. See you, goofy.
208
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:55,614
You're not injured,
are you?
209
00:12:55,675 --> 00:12:57,905
No. Fit as
a motherfucking fiddle.
210
00:13:01,949 --> 00:13:03,819
Goodbye, Elizabeth.
211
00:13:03,884 --> 00:13:05,524
Goodbye, lady refs!
212
00:13:05,585 --> 00:13:07,285
Hello, lady soldiers!
213
00:13:11,358 --> 00:13:14,258
Unicorns win.
Capisce?
214
00:13:14,327 --> 00:13:15,397
Capisce.
215
00:13:16,629 --> 00:13:17,969
Game on.
216
00:13:18,031 --> 00:13:19,401
(GIRLS EXCLAIMING)
217
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,590
(CHUCKLING)
218
00:13:50,297 --> 00:13:51,727
NARRATOR:
Meet Jeff Baker.
219
00:13:51,798 --> 00:13:53,698
Junior college professor.
220
00:13:53,766 --> 00:13:56,596
He can identify 45 different
brands of pipe tobacco.
221
00:13:56,669 --> 00:13:58,309
Country Gentleman.
222
00:13:58,371 --> 00:14:01,071
NARRATOR: His favorite
yoga pose...
The Warrior.
223
00:14:01,141 --> 00:14:03,881
Never sneak up
on Professor Baker.
224
00:14:03,944 --> 00:14:06,284
Oh, and by the way,
225
00:14:06,346 --> 00:14:08,016
I'm a Leo.
226
00:14:08,081 --> 00:14:11,991
Tonight's episode,
"Can I Turn in My Paper
on Saturday"?
227
00:14:12,052 --> 00:14:14,052
Excellent point.
228
00:14:14,121 --> 00:14:17,991
Well, we'll talk more about
Steinbeck's The Chrysanthemums
next time.
229
00:14:18,058 --> 00:14:23,328
Meanwhile, remember
your reports on Madame Bovary
are due tomorrow.
230
00:14:28,335 --> 00:14:29,995
Professor Baker,
can I talk to you
for a second?
231
00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,770
Of course.
What is it,
Miss Michaels?
232
00:14:31,838 --> 00:14:34,368
Well, I was hoping
I could get an extension
on the paper.
233
00:14:34,441 --> 00:14:37,211
But the paper is due tomorrow.
You knew that three weeks ago.
234
00:14:37,277 --> 00:14:40,447
I know, I know. But I have
to work tonight and I have
a history midterm tomorrow.
235
00:14:40,513 --> 00:14:42,623
I can have it on your desk
by Saturday.
236
00:14:42,682 --> 00:14:44,782
Saturday?
237
00:14:44,851 --> 00:14:48,461
Saturday. When I'm
all alone in my office.
238
00:14:48,521 --> 00:14:50,261
I get your drift.
239
00:14:50,323 --> 00:14:52,533
I'm very flattered,
but it would be wrong.
240
00:14:52,592 --> 00:14:54,832
No, no, that's
not what I meant.
(STAMMERING)
241
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:58,504
I was afraid my lectures
were getting a little
too spicy.
242
00:14:58,565 --> 00:15:04,195
Besides, most women
are intrigued by a man
with a pipe.
243
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,941
Professor Baker,
I just need an extra day.
244
00:15:07,007 --> 00:15:11,277
You see, I'm on an academic
scholarship, so I have to
maintain a "B" average.
245
00:15:11,344 --> 00:15:15,954
Sex in exchange
for a good grade.
246
00:15:16,016 --> 00:15:17,946
I vowed I would never do it,
247
00:15:18,018 --> 00:15:19,548
but we'll find out
on Saturday.
248
00:15:19,619 --> 00:15:21,349
Look I just need
a couple of hours.
249
00:15:21,421 --> 00:15:23,291
Can I bring it to you
by the end of tomorrow?
250
00:15:23,356 --> 00:15:26,256
Friday evening.
Even more romantic.
251
00:15:26,326 --> 00:15:30,496
Ah! I must warn you,
I have salt and pepper pubes.
252
00:15:31,664 --> 00:15:33,504
I'll just bring it
to class tomorrow.
253
00:15:33,566 --> 00:15:34,596
Perfect.
254
00:15:54,587 --> 00:15:58,587
NARRATOR: And now
presenting the world premiere
of a motion picture
255
00:15:58,658 --> 00:16:01,428
produced especially
for Funny or Die.
256
00:16:01,494 --> 00:16:06,504
The movie of the week.
Tonight's movie, Crazy Town.
257
00:16:16,509 --> 00:16:18,479
Man, this is gonna be
a great road trip, Dave.
258
00:16:18,545 --> 00:16:20,345
Just me, my best friend
and the great outdoors.
259
00:16:20,413 --> 00:16:22,653
Yeah, Will,
this is gonna be great.
260
00:16:22,715 --> 00:16:23,975
Yeah, it's gonna be...
261
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,418
It's gonna be...
262
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,360
Crazy.
263
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,833
Yeah, maybe we'll
see some cool scenery.
264
00:16:32,892 --> 00:16:36,202
Or maybe something crazier.
265
00:16:36,263 --> 00:16:38,233
Like what?
A bald eagle
or something?
266
00:16:38,298 --> 00:16:40,768
How about trying heroin
for the first time?
267
00:16:40,833 --> 00:16:43,173
What? Are you crazy?
Where did you get that?
268
00:16:43,236 --> 00:16:45,566
I don't know.
Who cares?
269
00:16:45,638 --> 00:16:47,138
What are you doing?
270
00:16:47,207 --> 00:16:50,237
(BOTH SCERAMING)
271
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,124
Will!
272
00:16:57,184 --> 00:16:58,394
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
273
00:17:06,025 --> 00:17:07,425
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
274
00:17:08,528 --> 00:17:09,598
Will.
275
00:17:09,662 --> 00:17:13,932
Come on in, Dave.
The water's warm.
276
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:16,400
Water? What water?
277
00:17:16,469 --> 00:17:18,209
That water.
Huh?
278
00:17:19,839 --> 00:17:21,969
(PANTING)
279
00:17:22,041 --> 00:17:23,911
(SCREAMS)
What is going on?
280
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:25,176
Hello, David.
(SCREAMS)
281
00:17:25,245 --> 00:17:27,075
Drink this whiskey.
Let's get crazy.
282
00:17:27,147 --> 00:17:28,517
Where are we?
Just drink it.
283
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:30,321
Okay, but...
Just kidding.
That's not whiskey.
284
00:17:30,383 --> 00:17:31,723
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
That's liquid acid.
285
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,154
What?
286
00:17:33,220 --> 00:17:34,890
Just kidding.
That's a dead baby.
287
00:17:34,954 --> 00:17:36,824
A dead...
Just kidding.
288
00:17:36,889 --> 00:17:38,829
(SCREAMS)
Quick. Follow me.
289
00:17:39,692 --> 00:17:41,092
(EXCLAIMING)
290
00:17:43,996 --> 00:17:45,626
Will?
291
00:17:45,698 --> 00:17:47,628
(EXCLAIMING)
292
00:17:47,700 --> 00:17:49,100
Kiss me.
293
00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,699
Oh, God, no.
(SCREAMING)
294
00:17:51,771 --> 00:17:54,011
Oh, God, stop!
295
00:17:54,073 --> 00:17:56,083
(SCREAMING)
296
00:18:03,516 --> 00:18:06,846
Come on in, David,
and have a cocktail
with these slutty robots.
297
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:07,949
(CHATTERING)
298
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:12,160
But beware of the ticklers.
299
00:18:12,225 --> 00:18:13,555
TICKLERS: Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
300
00:18:13,626 --> 00:18:15,126
Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
301
00:18:15,195 --> 00:18:16,455
Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
302
00:18:16,529 --> 00:18:18,299
Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
303
00:18:18,365 --> 00:18:21,495
Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
304
00:18:21,568 --> 00:18:22,568
(SCREAMING)
305
00:18:28,208 --> 00:18:29,438
Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
306
00:18:29,509 --> 00:18:30,809
Tickle, tickle,
tickle, tickle.
307
00:18:30,877 --> 00:18:33,577
(LAUGHS)
That's enough
fun for now.
308
00:18:38,751 --> 00:18:40,421
What is this place?
309
00:18:40,487 --> 00:18:43,087
I'm hungry.
I feel like I haven't
eaten in...
310
00:18:43,156 --> 00:18:44,856
Fifteen years.
311
00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,934
You were tickled
for 15 years.
312
00:18:47,994 --> 00:18:50,234
Come now,
we shall feast.
313
00:18:53,300 --> 00:18:56,370
Oh, God! Please, no.
314
00:18:56,436 --> 00:18:58,466
Will, where are you?
315
00:19:00,707 --> 00:19:01,967
(LAUGHING)
316
00:19:02,041 --> 00:19:03,441
(SCREAMING)
317
00:19:05,144 --> 00:19:07,014
Why are you doing
this to me?
318
00:19:07,079 --> 00:19:09,219
You're delicious, Dave.
You really have to try
some of you.
319
00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:10,852
I thought you were
my best friend.
320
00:19:10,917 --> 00:19:13,687
You wanna do
something even crazier.
321
00:19:13,753 --> 00:19:17,063
No. No!
322
00:19:17,123 --> 00:19:18,363
(PANTING)
323
00:19:21,394 --> 00:19:22,904
Great. Where are we now?
324
00:19:22,962 --> 00:19:25,732
Well, David,
we are in the space
of infinity.
325
00:19:25,798 --> 00:19:26,798
(LAUGHING)
326
00:19:26,866 --> 00:19:27,826
Space of infinity.
327
00:19:27,900 --> 00:19:28,940
(EXCLAIMS)
328
00:19:29,001 --> 00:19:31,771
Where anything is possible.
329
00:19:31,838 --> 00:19:33,468
(EXCLAIMS)
330
00:19:33,540 --> 00:19:34,810
Get me out of this place.
331
00:19:34,874 --> 00:19:37,844
All you have to do is
snap your fingers.
332
00:19:39,078 --> 00:19:40,348
(BALD EAGLE SCREECHING)
(CHAINSAW WHIRRING)
333
00:19:41,414 --> 00:19:43,624
(SCREAMS) My fingers!
334
00:19:43,683 --> 00:19:46,893
No, no, no.
Not like that David.
335
00:19:46,953 --> 00:19:48,623
Like this.
336
00:19:48,688 --> 00:19:50,288
(SCREAMING)
337
00:19:50,357 --> 00:19:51,857
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
Isn't this great, David?
338
00:19:51,924 --> 00:19:53,734
(SCREAMS) This really
fucking hurts!
339
00:19:53,793 --> 00:19:55,463
We can go wherever
we want.
340
00:19:55,528 --> 00:19:59,168
To other dimensions,
or even travel through time.
341
00:19:59,232 --> 00:20:00,972
Well, then let's go
back in time now.
342
00:20:01,033 --> 00:20:03,243
Well, sure, David.
343
00:20:03,303 --> 00:20:07,143
We can go wherever you want!
344
00:20:07,206 --> 00:20:08,536
(SCREAMING)
345
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:15,877
Uh, actually,
I don't want to go
this way.
346
00:20:15,948 --> 00:20:18,078
Do you mind if
we just go back home?
347
00:20:18,150 --> 00:20:20,920
Wherever you want to.
I just want to hang out
with my best friend today.
348
00:20:20,987 --> 00:20:22,787
(TIRES SCREECHING)
349
00:20:22,855 --> 00:20:25,925
Hey, sorry about that, man.
I just had a bad feeling.
You okay?
350
00:20:25,992 --> 00:20:28,462
Yeah, everything is...
351
00:20:31,931 --> 00:20:34,731
Bonkers!
(SCREAMING)
352
00:20:36,202 --> 00:20:37,442
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
353
00:20:40,740 --> 00:20:42,170
(SCREAMING)
354
00:20:42,241 --> 00:20:44,381
(ROARING) David!
355
00:20:44,444 --> 00:20:45,654
TICKLERS:
Tickle, tickle, tickle.
356
00:20:46,579 --> 00:20:49,779
Will, this isn't
funny anymore!
357
00:21:12,705 --> 00:21:16,635
* I have seen things
358
00:21:18,010 --> 00:21:22,820
* Things I just choose
not to talk about
359
00:21:24,684 --> 00:21:28,364
* Things that only
seem to frighten
360
00:21:28,421 --> 00:21:32,221
* And offend most everybody
361
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:36,401
* Welcome to my study *
362
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:43,444
Oh, hello.
363
00:21:44,437 --> 00:21:46,567
And welcome to my study.
364
00:21:48,608 --> 00:21:50,378
My name is Mitchell.
365
00:21:50,443 --> 00:21:52,453
And I am Stuart.
366
00:21:55,314 --> 00:21:57,424
Stuart is my study friend.
367
00:21:58,485 --> 00:21:59,945
And he's visiting
all the way from...
368
00:22:00,019 --> 00:22:03,489
You're always welcome
to enjoy the things
that I found.
369
00:22:05,492 --> 00:22:06,892
That I found.
370
00:22:08,260 --> 00:22:10,900
I'm lonely and
I collect things.
371
00:22:10,963 --> 00:22:13,473
And I also collect
things as well.
372
00:22:19,706 --> 00:22:23,836
So let's see what I found
inside my study drawers.
373
00:22:28,948 --> 00:22:30,548
MITCHELL:
It's a piece of felt.
374
00:22:32,685 --> 00:22:34,185
Put it on your face...
375
00:22:34,253 --> 00:22:37,523
Well, let's see what I found
inside my travel drawers.
376
00:22:42,995 --> 00:22:45,495
It's a geode.
377
00:22:45,565 --> 00:22:48,065
The sparkling interior
of a geode contains
378
00:22:48,134 --> 00:22:50,844
some of the most beautiful
crystals on earth.
379
00:22:50,903 --> 00:22:55,543
But how exactly they're
formed remains a mystery,
even to this day.
380
00:22:59,311 --> 00:23:03,851
Well, let's see
what I found inside
my study drawers.
381
00:23:07,787 --> 00:23:10,957
MITCHELL:
It's just a bunch
of pieces of glass.
382
00:23:14,293 --> 00:23:15,933
My bottle is...
383
00:23:15,995 --> 00:23:18,595
Well, let's see
what I found inside
my travel drawers.
384
00:23:20,533 --> 00:23:24,973
It's an ancient Roman coin.
385
00:23:25,037 --> 00:23:28,637
Over 2,000 years ago,
this coin represented
a day's wages
386
00:23:28,708 --> 00:23:30,408
for a common laborer.
387
00:23:30,477 --> 00:23:34,747
But today,
it is considered far,
far more valuable.
388
00:23:38,317 --> 00:23:42,687
(STAMMERING)
But what do I have
in my drawers?
389
00:23:49,796 --> 00:23:51,496
MITCHELL: It's beans.
390
00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:54,132
Beans...
But what do I have
391
00:23:54,200 --> 00:23:56,470
inside my travel drawers?
392
00:24:00,406 --> 00:24:02,776
It's a picture of my family.
393
00:24:24,897 --> 00:24:26,227
(SOBBING)
394
00:24:34,707 --> 00:24:38,207
* I have seen things
395
00:24:39,779 --> 00:24:45,049
* Things I just choose
not to talk about
396
00:24:46,318 --> 00:24:50,258
* Things that only
seem to frighten
397
00:24:50,322 --> 00:24:53,932
* And offend most everybody
398
00:24:53,993 --> 00:24:58,903
* Welcome to my study *
399
00:25:15,582 --> 00:25:18,922
Well, that's our show
for the evening and
I hope you liked it.
400
00:25:18,985 --> 00:25:21,515
I know some of you
didn't and that's okay.
401
00:25:21,588 --> 00:25:25,358
Comedy is not easy,
and we all laugh at
different things.
402
00:25:25,424 --> 00:25:27,034
Some of you
probably hated it.
403
00:25:27,093 --> 00:25:29,003
And now you're
thinking about
404
00:25:29,061 --> 00:25:31,931
writing something
in your blogs with
a lot of swear words.
405
00:25:31,998 --> 00:25:34,628
Well, you need
to take a moment.
406
00:25:34,701 --> 00:25:36,741
What's really got your goat?
407
00:25:36,803 --> 00:25:40,613
Small penis, no girlfriend,
can't hold down a job?
408
00:25:40,673 --> 00:25:43,013
Maybe God gave you
an ugly face.
409
00:25:43,075 --> 00:25:45,845
Anyway, I'm rooting
for you, ugly guy.
410
00:25:45,912 --> 00:25:48,682
Even if you do hate us.
411
00:25:48,748 --> 00:25:52,348
I guess that makes me
a lot like Jesus.
412
00:25:52,418 --> 00:25:53,948
See ya next time.
29820
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