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1
00:00:12,280 --> 00:00:14,950
I think the unicorns should
pack their suitcases,
2
00:00:14,948 --> 00:00:18,718
'cause they're
about to take a trip
in the penalty box.
3
00:00:18,719 --> 00:00:20,719
Capisce?
4
00:00:20,721 --> 00:00:25,361
It's not your fault that this
establishment is insensitive
to the needs of your pussy
5
00:00:25,359 --> 00:00:26,889
cat.
6
00:00:26,894 --> 00:00:28,464
I'm telling you, you let one
more fart loose in here
7
00:00:28,462 --> 00:00:30,062
I'm gonna have to
drop the oxygen masks.
8
00:00:30,064 --> 00:00:31,704
(LAUGHING)
9
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:34,139
Don't talk about your
"underwear bomber."
10
00:00:34,135 --> 00:00:36,165
That's this guy.
That's this guy.
11
00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,660
Ah. Wonderful.
12
00:01:02,130 --> 00:01:04,270
Excellent.
(SNICKERS)
13
00:01:06,066 --> 00:01:08,096
Ah, good choice.
14
00:01:08,102 --> 00:01:10,042
Lamplighter, 5:30?
15
00:01:10,037 --> 00:01:12,007
There you go.
16
00:01:12,005 --> 00:01:13,435
Oh, hi!
17
00:01:13,441 --> 00:01:15,441
You know what I like
to do from time to time?
18
00:01:15,443 --> 00:01:17,453
I like to take
it up the ass.
19
00:01:17,445 --> 00:01:20,075
Not literally,
of course,
but figuratively.
20
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:23,250
The older you get,
the easier it is to do.
21
00:01:23,251 --> 00:01:25,451
I mean, do you really
think you're smarter
22
00:01:25,453 --> 00:01:28,493
than all those guys
trying to screw you over?
23
00:01:28,489 --> 00:01:29,559
You're not.
24
00:01:29,557 --> 00:01:30,787
Right now, there's
some college nerd
25
00:01:30,791 --> 00:01:33,061
working a computer
at a Wall Street office
26
00:01:33,060 --> 00:01:36,260
thinking of ways to
fuck you over you can't
even imagine, my friend.
27
00:01:36,264 --> 00:01:39,974
Just going about your
day, swinging a hammer,
flipping a burger,
28
00:01:39,967 --> 00:01:42,237
and he's looking
at numbers,
29
00:01:42,236 --> 00:01:45,666
thinking to himself,
"How can I fuck
somebody over?"
30
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,143
You're not smarter
than him.
31
00:01:48,609 --> 00:01:50,309
And there's a
bunch of 'em, too.
32
00:01:50,311 --> 00:01:52,081
They just got
through fucking us
a couple of years ago,
33
00:01:52,079 --> 00:01:53,949
and now they're
at it again.
34
00:01:53,947 --> 00:01:56,617
There's really nothing
you can do except sit back,
35
00:01:56,617 --> 00:01:59,287
have a drink,
watch a little TV,
36
00:01:59,287 --> 00:02:01,117
and take it
like a man.
37
00:02:02,456 --> 00:02:04,456
I've actually come
to enjoy it.
38
00:02:05,559 --> 00:02:07,399
Figuratively speaking,
of course.
39
00:02:35,756 --> 00:02:38,086
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Tonight on Funny or Die,
40
00:02:38,091 --> 00:02:39,591
Tijuana Jackson,
41
00:02:40,694 --> 00:02:42,804
part two of
Lady Refs,
42
00:02:43,797 --> 00:02:45,167
and the movie
of the week,
43
00:02:45,165 --> 00:02:48,065
Terrorist on Flight 77,
44
00:02:48,068 --> 00:02:51,208
starring Tom Lennon
and Ben Garant, okay?
45
00:02:54,107 --> 00:02:56,077
TIJUANA: A lot of people
wanna hear my story.
46
00:02:56,076 --> 00:02:58,346
You what I'm saying?
A lot of people wanna hear
how I got...
47
00:02:58,346 --> 00:03:01,476
They wanna know how
a nigga ended up in jail,
you know what I'm saying,
48
00:03:01,482 --> 00:03:05,152
a nigger of my caliber
ended up in prison
in the first place.
49
00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,862
You know, the gas
prices, they went up,
you know what I'm saying,
50
00:03:07,855 --> 00:03:09,785
and nigga got busted
siphoning some gas
51
00:03:09,790 --> 00:03:12,460
out of a motherfucking
school bus in a
parking lot, okay?
52
00:03:12,460 --> 00:03:14,760
You know, and the cops
pulled up and caught me,
53
00:03:14,762 --> 00:03:17,032
you know, and it
was a misdemeanor.
54
00:03:17,030 --> 00:03:20,500
But then, it escalated
to a felony, 'cause I was
smoking a cigarette,
55
00:03:20,501 --> 00:03:24,101
therefore endangering
the lives of the kids that
were still on the bus.
56
00:03:24,104 --> 00:03:26,444
I didn't really realize
those little motherfuckers
was on there.
57
00:03:26,440 --> 00:03:27,810
(PAGER BEEPING)
58
00:03:31,779 --> 00:03:33,209
626?
59
00:03:33,213 --> 00:03:34,323
Aw, hell no.
60
00:03:34,315 --> 00:03:36,215
Not on my
cell phone, no.
61
00:03:36,216 --> 00:03:39,486
Last time, man, last
time I got one of them
calls, I called them up.
62
00:03:39,487 --> 00:03:42,717
They told me, I said, they
said I won a prize. I said,
"What'd I win?"
63
00:03:42,723 --> 00:03:46,493
They said, "You won
the complete Ginsu
Knife set with..."
64
00:03:46,494 --> 00:03:48,604
And it came with
the bamboo wood block
65
00:03:48,596 --> 00:03:50,496
and they said it had a
knife sharpener with it.
66
00:03:50,498 --> 00:03:51,868
I went to pick
my shit up,
67
00:03:51,865 --> 00:03:53,265
these motherfuckers
slap handcuffs on me.
68
00:03:53,267 --> 00:03:54,797
(SNORTS)
69
00:03:54,802 --> 00:03:55,942
You know what I'm saying?
For outstanding warrants.
70
00:03:55,936 --> 00:03:57,166
Not again.
71
00:03:57,170 --> 00:03:58,510
Y'all just hold tight
for a second, all right?
72
00:03:58,506 --> 00:03:59,966
I just gotta...
73
00:04:16,924 --> 00:04:18,334
TIJUANA: My nephew used
to go to that school,
74
00:04:20,594 --> 00:04:22,564
but then the Koreans
took it over.
75
00:04:22,563 --> 00:04:24,503
TIJUANA: This is the issue,
76
00:04:24,498 --> 00:04:26,998
this is the issue that
a lot of motherfuckers
don't try to understand.
77
00:04:27,000 --> 00:04:29,240
I'm trying to give y'all
legitimate information.
78
00:04:29,236 --> 00:04:31,166
If people are willing to
make a documentary about you
79
00:04:31,171 --> 00:04:33,841
it must say something about
your heart, and who you,
80
00:04:33,841 --> 00:04:35,511
who you are as
an individual.
81
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,079
As a whole, you know
what I'm saying,
82
00:04:37,077 --> 00:04:38,877
these motherfuckers
don't think.
83
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,049
Just due to because
of the fact that I'm flashy,
84
00:04:41,048 --> 00:04:42,748
you know what I'm saying,
I'm good looking, you
know what I'm saying,
85
00:04:42,750 --> 00:04:44,890
I wear chains and shit,
you know what I'm saying,
86
00:04:44,885 --> 00:04:46,615
I can't be no motherfucking
professional, you
know what I'm saying?
87
00:04:46,620 --> 00:04:47,890
Contraire,
mon frere.
88
00:04:47,888 --> 00:04:49,018
(SNIFFS)
89
00:04:51,359 --> 00:04:52,629
Get some change?
90
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,086
No camera, no
smoking in the store.
91
00:04:54,094 --> 00:04:55,504
It's menthol.
92
00:04:55,496 --> 00:04:57,256
They ain't filming you,
they're filming me.
93
00:04:57,264 --> 00:04:59,704
Life coach. Motivational
speaker. How much for
the sweets?
94
00:04:59,700 --> 00:05:01,000
It's $1.
95
00:05:01,001 --> 00:05:02,441
A...
96
00:05:02,436 --> 00:05:05,636
Hey, can you check the back
for hypoallergenic cat licks?
97
00:05:05,639 --> 00:05:07,709
All we have is
what you see.
98
00:05:07,708 --> 00:05:10,638
Hypoallergenic cats need
hypoallergenic food for a
reason. It's not optional.
99
00:05:12,045 --> 00:05:13,775
Sorry. There's
nothing in the back.
Forget it.
100
00:05:13,781 --> 00:05:15,321
WOMAN: (SARCASTICALLY)
Sorry to disturb you, sir.
101
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:17,045
Whatever.
102
00:05:17,050 --> 00:05:19,090
Okay.
103
00:05:19,086 --> 00:05:21,986
Obviously she's rooting
something deep in the
motherfucking feline, okay?
104
00:05:24,191 --> 00:05:25,631
Excuse me.
105
00:05:25,626 --> 00:05:26,826
I noticed you were having
a bit of a dilemma.
106
00:05:26,827 --> 00:05:28,627
My name's
Tijuana Jackson.
107
00:05:28,629 --> 00:05:30,529
Motivational speaker,
life coach. (SNIFFS)
108
00:05:30,531 --> 00:05:31,631
How come they're
filming me?
109
00:05:31,632 --> 00:05:33,402
Oh, they're
not... Guys.
110
00:05:33,401 --> 00:05:34,601
(INAUDIBLE)
111
00:05:35,436 --> 00:05:37,036
Cut. Cut.
112
00:05:38,406 --> 00:05:40,366
Okay, now. Got
that out the way.
113
00:05:40,374 --> 00:05:42,884
Uh, what seems to
be getting your
hormones so riled up?
114
00:05:42,876 --> 00:05:44,406
I'm the worst
mother in the world.
115
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:46,052
My cat's hungry...
That's not true, okay?
116
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:48,216
(STAMMERING) Look,
it's not your fault
that this establishment
117
00:05:48,215 --> 00:05:51,015
is insensitive
to the needs
of your pussy
118
00:05:51,018 --> 00:05:52,888
cat.
119
00:05:52,886 --> 00:05:55,956
Furthermore, I believe
an investigation of your
self-image is what's in order.
120
00:05:55,956 --> 00:05:57,726
What's the matter
with my self-image?
121
00:05:57,725 --> 00:05:59,685
It's a beautiful
thing. Okay?
122
00:05:59,693 --> 00:06:02,103
It just needs to be
nurtured in the same way
that you nurture your cat.
123
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,002
Do you wash it?
124
00:06:05,999 --> 00:06:07,799
Yeah.
Okay.
125
00:06:07,801 --> 00:06:09,301
Do you play with it?
Of course I do.
126
00:06:09,302 --> 00:06:10,572
Mmm-hmm.
127
00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,811
And when you stroke
it, does it purr?
128
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:13,966
What?
129
00:06:13,974 --> 00:06:15,744
Okay, let me put it
to you this way, okay?
130
00:06:15,743 --> 00:06:17,713
By the paleness
in your skin,
131
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:21,381
dark circles, the hunch
in your posture, moderately
excessive weight,
132
00:06:21,381 --> 00:06:25,321
I'm led to believe you're
neglecting something
other than your cat.
133
00:06:25,318 --> 00:06:28,088
Do you honestly
consider yourself to be
an attractive woman?
134
00:06:28,088 --> 00:06:29,858
Right now? I mean,
I don't, okay?
Fuck you.
135
00:06:29,857 --> 00:06:31,587
No, I don't
mean... No.
No.
136
00:06:31,592 --> 00:06:32,662
No, I do... Okay.
(STAMMERING)
Fuck... Fuck you!
137
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:33,930
No, wait a minute...
138
00:06:33,927 --> 00:06:35,797
Fuck you!
139
00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:38,026
I'm breaking you down
to build you back up, okay?
Don't take offense to it.
140
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:40,071
If you take it personally,
it's not gonna work.
141
00:06:46,807 --> 00:06:48,137
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
142
00:06:50,844 --> 00:06:53,014
Prime example of what
I'm talking about, okay?
143
00:06:53,013 --> 00:06:55,483
Drinking soda.
God knows what else.
144
00:06:55,483 --> 00:06:58,293
You know what,
I think that the lesson
that we learned here today
145
00:06:58,285 --> 00:07:01,285
is that you can lead
a feline to the water,
146
00:07:01,288 --> 00:07:03,688
but if that feline don't
want to see its reflection,
147
00:07:03,691 --> 00:07:05,131
it ain't gonna drink.
148
00:07:06,494 --> 00:07:09,104
Man, honestly, you
can't save everybody.
149
00:07:09,096 --> 00:07:10,926
I think some people
are just meant
to be fucked up.
150
00:07:10,931 --> 00:07:12,701
I thought Christians
don't curse.
151
00:07:12,700 --> 00:07:14,370
What makes you think
I'm Christian?
152
00:07:14,367 --> 00:07:16,167
I see you got
a cross on.
153
00:07:16,169 --> 00:07:18,369
This ain't no cross, nigga.
This is "T" for "T.J."
154
00:07:18,371 --> 00:07:20,111
Some change, homey.
155
00:07:20,107 --> 00:07:22,577
TIJUANA: Hey,
somebody page T.J.?
156
00:07:22,576 --> 00:07:23,776
What'd I win?
157
00:07:25,613 --> 00:07:27,013
With the bamboo
wood block.
158
00:07:28,048 --> 00:07:30,048
Fuck these niggas.
Let's go.
159
00:07:35,689 --> 00:07:37,789
(GUITAR ROCK
MUSIC PLAYING)
160
00:07:41,829 --> 00:07:43,499
Welcome back to
Juggalo News.
161
00:07:43,497 --> 00:07:46,397
The highest honors
in carnival-crazed
graveyard cinema
162
00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:50,099
were handed out
tonight at the annual
Suck My Cockscar awards.
163
00:07:50,103 --> 00:07:52,873
Joining us now from
the red carpet is
entertainment correspondent
164
00:07:52,873 --> 00:07:55,743
Crime Minista
Molotovsticles.
165
00:07:55,743 --> 00:08:01,183
Thanks, Krazee. It truly was
a magical night here in
Hollywoodville, Michigan,
166
00:08:01,181 --> 00:08:05,751
where all the biggest stars
came out to shine and shit.
167
00:08:05,753 --> 00:08:08,763
And the Suck My
Cockscar goes to
168
00:08:09,757 --> 00:08:12,087
Sovereignty In This Bitch.
169
00:08:12,092 --> 00:08:15,702
CRIME: Revolutionary war epic
Sovereignty In This Bitch
was tonight's big winner,
170
00:08:15,696 --> 00:08:20,566
taking home six awards,
including Dopest Picture
and Best Sound Design.
171
00:08:20,568 --> 00:08:21,668
Ya heard?
172
00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:24,139
Let the word go forth
173
00:08:24,137 --> 00:08:27,237
that our nation can
chillax no longer.
174
00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:30,840
We must rise against those
who wish to fuck us up
175
00:08:30,844 --> 00:08:34,854
and axe them in
their gay boners!
176
00:08:34,848 --> 00:08:39,948
CRIME: The film also earned a
Best Supporting Psycho prize
for Adolph Satanfinger,
177
00:08:39,953 --> 00:08:43,163
star of TV's Shit's
Fucked Up Hospital.
178
00:08:43,156 --> 00:08:45,486
I wish my fucking father
could have seen this shit.
179
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:50,132
CRIME: El Jardin de Sacos
Testiculos took home Best
Not English Film,
180
00:08:50,130 --> 00:08:53,830
while the Best Animatified
Film went to Wicked Ass Zoo.
181
00:08:53,834 --> 00:08:56,404
Hey, yo. How we gonna get
out of this fucking zoo?
182
00:08:56,403 --> 00:08:57,873
We animals!
183
00:08:57,871 --> 00:08:59,571
We belong in
the zoo, bitch!
184
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:05,253
But let's not forget the
real star of any Suck My
Cockscar night,
185
00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:07,205
the fashion!
186
00:09:07,214 --> 00:09:11,024
Decapitatrix looked stunning
in a vintage diamond
necklace from Cartier
187
00:09:11,018 --> 00:09:13,448
and a red hoodie
stolen from Target,
188
00:09:13,453 --> 00:09:19,193
while Blunts Assface
rocked a smart Burberry
coat and no pants.
189
00:09:19,192 --> 00:09:24,402
All in all, a night of
glitz, glamour, and
ghetto-ass hocus pocus.
190
00:09:24,397 --> 00:09:25,767
Krazee?
191
00:09:25,766 --> 00:09:27,066
Some other big
winners tonight,
192
00:09:27,067 --> 00:09:29,937
Downest-Ass Bitch went
to Her Vajesty,
193
00:09:29,937 --> 00:09:32,737
Best Original Strangling
went to Fuckfoot,
194
00:09:32,740 --> 00:09:37,980
and Freshest Original Jam
was a tie between the
Nightmerican Skullfuck Squad
195
00:09:37,978 --> 00:09:41,148
and Randy Newman.
We'll be right back.
196
00:10:00,167 --> 00:10:02,997
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Previously on Lady Refs...
197
00:10:03,003 --> 00:10:04,813
Jablonsky loves her
some Dirkson...
198
00:10:04,805 --> 00:10:06,405
God damn,
she's fine.
199
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,236
...but Dirkson likes
to play the field.
200
00:10:08,241 --> 00:10:10,141
Look. Hot new
girl in town.
201
00:10:10,143 --> 00:10:12,813
FEMALE NARRATOR: Hot new girl
with a male fiance.
202
00:10:12,813 --> 00:10:14,883
He wears the ring
in the family.
203
00:10:14,882 --> 00:10:17,052
Jablonsky calls
game over...
204
00:10:17,050 --> 00:10:19,150
You might get the new girl,
but you'll never get these.
205
00:10:19,152 --> 00:10:20,952
FEMALE NARRATOR:
If she can't service Dirkson,
206
00:10:20,954 --> 00:10:22,764
she'll take
her service elsewhere.
207
00:10:22,756 --> 00:10:24,516
Is Afghanistan
far from here?
208
00:10:24,524 --> 00:10:25,894
You bet.
209
00:10:25,893 --> 00:10:27,193
Well, sign me up.
210
00:10:31,264 --> 00:10:34,604
Man, soon as I think
reffing's the only
thing worth living for.
211
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,101
Amen.
212
00:10:36,103 --> 00:10:38,513
Damn, Dirkson. You're so
good at jogging backwards.
213
00:10:38,505 --> 00:10:39,765
It's kind of my thing,
214
00:10:39,773 --> 00:10:42,943
but it takes a lot
of concentration.
215
00:10:42,943 --> 00:10:44,683
Here's to popping
your cherry.
Dirkson!
216
00:10:44,678 --> 00:10:46,178
That shower was
a one time thing.
217
00:10:50,784 --> 00:10:53,624
Chillax, rookie.
I'm talking about
your ref cherry.
218
00:10:53,620 --> 00:10:55,060
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
219
00:10:57,825 --> 00:11:00,425
(UPBEAT THEME MUSIC PLAYING)
220
00:11:00,427 --> 00:11:02,557
* If you're offsides,
out of bounds
221
00:11:02,562 --> 00:11:04,772
* To play real rough
and show them down
222
00:11:04,765 --> 00:11:06,195
* Even you would get a bump
223
00:11:06,199 --> 00:11:07,869
* 'Cause when I kick
I kick it hard
224
00:11:07,868 --> 00:11:10,468
* Every time you hear
the whistle go
225
00:11:10,470 --> 00:11:11,840
* That's me in control
226
00:11:11,839 --> 00:11:13,769
* We're playing sudden death
227
00:11:13,774 --> 00:11:17,314
* Lady refs *
228
00:11:18,511 --> 00:11:19,581
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
229
00:11:19,579 --> 00:11:20,749
Play ball!
230
00:11:20,748 --> 00:11:22,418
Keep it clean! Easy!
231
00:11:23,583 --> 00:11:24,793
Offsides!
232
00:11:25,618 --> 00:11:26,618
(CHEERING)
Damn!
233
00:11:26,619 --> 00:11:27,689
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
234
00:11:27,687 --> 00:11:30,357
Let's go, girls.
235
00:11:30,357 --> 00:11:33,287
I think the
Unicorns should pack
their suitcases.
236
00:11:33,293 --> 00:11:35,403
'Cause they're about
to take a trip
237
00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:37,295
in the penalty box.
238
00:11:37,297 --> 00:11:39,067
Capisce?
239
00:11:39,066 --> 00:11:42,936
A bribe? What
do I do? Dirkson!
240
00:11:42,936 --> 00:11:44,836
Not now! I'm
jogging backwards!
241
00:11:44,838 --> 00:11:46,708
But, Dirkson!
242
00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:48,606
(GRUNTS)
243
00:11:48,608 --> 00:11:49,478
(DISTORTED) No!
244
00:11:49,476 --> 00:11:50,876
(GRUNTING)
245
00:11:57,650 --> 00:12:00,120
Are you okay?
Are you dead?
246
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,920
(HEART MONITOR BEEPING)
247
00:12:02,689 --> 00:12:04,459
I did everything
I could,
248
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:06,057
but I couldn't save her
249
00:12:06,059 --> 00:12:08,659
interior
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
ligament.
250
00:12:08,661 --> 00:12:11,901
Oh, God!
Not her ACL!
251
00:12:11,899 --> 00:12:13,199
How long does
she have?
252
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:16,500
Six months, to a year...
(GROANS)
253
00:12:16,503 --> 00:12:19,213
...before she, uh, can
run backwards again.
254
00:12:19,206 --> 00:12:21,536
No. No!
(SOBBING)
255
00:12:21,541 --> 00:12:22,941
It's all my fault!
256
00:12:22,943 --> 00:12:25,283
I distracted her
backwards jog.
257
00:12:25,278 --> 00:12:27,748
There's gotta be
something you can do.
258
00:12:27,747 --> 00:12:30,617
Well, there is
an experimental
surgery but it's
259
00:12:30,617 --> 00:12:32,017
very expensive.
260
00:12:33,020 --> 00:12:34,890
Very expensive, huh?
261
00:12:35,823 --> 00:12:37,563
Well played,
Unicorns.
262
00:12:37,557 --> 00:12:38,727
(GIGGLES)
263
00:12:38,725 --> 00:12:39,885
(SLURPS)
264
00:12:39,893 --> 00:12:41,833
I'll take that
bribe now.
265
00:12:41,829 --> 00:12:43,899
The game's over.
266
00:12:43,897 --> 00:12:45,997
I'll take it for
next time, then.
267
00:12:45,999 --> 00:12:47,969
Next time's
the finals,
268
00:12:47,968 --> 00:12:51,538
and word is the
Unicorns are a shoo-in.
269
00:12:51,538 --> 00:12:52,968
Capisce?
270
00:12:53,706 --> 00:12:55,536
Ugh.
271
00:12:55,542 --> 00:12:57,142
Capisce.
272
00:12:59,947 --> 00:13:01,447
(GIGGLES)
273
00:13:01,448 --> 00:13:05,548
I believe this
should cover it.
274
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:08,962
Look, I could lose
my athletic trainer ID
if I do this surgery,
275
00:13:10,090 --> 00:13:11,390
but this is
a lot of cash.
276
00:13:12,893 --> 00:13:14,693
No one can know
about this.
277
00:13:14,694 --> 00:13:16,234
Then I'll prep the LR.
278
00:13:17,264 --> 00:13:18,774
Locker room.
279
00:13:18,765 --> 00:13:20,595
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
280
00:13:20,600 --> 00:13:21,770
Someone say surgery?
281
00:13:21,768 --> 00:13:23,598
Jablonsky!
282
00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,173
Came from Afghanistan
as soon as I heard
about Dirkson's fall.
283
00:13:26,173 --> 00:13:27,473
(HEART MONITOR FLATLING)
284
00:13:27,474 --> 00:13:28,484
She's flatlining!
285
00:13:36,616 --> 00:13:38,786
FEMALE NARRATOR:
Next time on Lady Refs...
286
00:13:38,785 --> 00:13:39,885
Ow!
Clear!
287
00:13:39,887 --> 00:13:41,287
(GRUNTS)
288
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,585
Oh!
289
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,820
(GIGGLING)
290
00:14:09,349 --> 00:14:10,349
Ooh.
291
00:14:11,818 --> 00:14:14,918
Are you from
Tennessee?
292
00:14:14,922 --> 00:14:17,962
Because you're
the only "ten" I see.
293
00:14:32,439 --> 00:14:34,609
NARRATOR: Hey!
294
00:14:34,607 --> 00:14:40,677
Presenting the world premiere
of a motion picture produced
especially for Funny or Die.
295
00:14:40,680 --> 00:14:42,220
The movie of the week.
296
00:14:42,215 --> 00:14:45,885
Tonight's movie,
Terrorist on Flight 77.
297
00:14:52,993 --> 00:14:54,893
CO-PILOT: And good evening,
ladies and gentlemen.
298
00:14:54,894 --> 00:14:57,704
From the flight deck,
this is your co-pilot
speaking.
299
00:14:57,697 --> 00:14:59,067
This is Flight 77,
300
00:14:59,066 --> 00:15:02,436
en route from LAX
to Detroit, Michigan,
301
00:15:02,435 --> 00:15:03,735
the Motor City.
302
00:15:03,736 --> 00:15:05,706
We've got nothing but
clear skies up ahead of us.
303
00:15:05,705 --> 00:15:09,405
We might even have
you at the gate just
a little bit early.
304
00:15:09,409 --> 00:15:10,809
Huh.
305
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:12,180
That's weird.
306
00:15:13,646 --> 00:15:14,906
What's weird?
307
00:15:16,316 --> 00:15:18,786
Radio just handed me a new
message from the tower.
308
00:15:18,785 --> 00:15:25,285
They want us to change
our landing coordinates to
68 degrees north by 99 west?
309
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:27,792
That's like, uh, south of
five point? South Dakota?
310
00:15:27,794 --> 00:15:31,034
South Dakota. 68 north,
99 west, that's, uh...
311
00:15:32,865 --> 00:15:34,065
That's Mount Rushmore,
isn't it?
312
00:15:34,067 --> 00:15:35,867
I think that is
Mount Rushmore!
313
00:15:35,868 --> 00:15:37,968
They want us to
land the plane
314
00:15:37,971 --> 00:15:40,211
on Mount Rushmore.
315
00:15:40,207 --> 00:15:42,107
Hmm.
That would pretty
much have us
316
00:15:42,109 --> 00:15:45,349
crashing smack dab
into Mount Rushmore.
317
00:15:45,345 --> 00:15:47,545
That seems kind of
weird, doesn't it?
318
00:15:47,547 --> 00:15:48,817
Huh.
319
00:15:48,815 --> 00:15:49,875
Huh.
That's weird.
320
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:51,582
That is really weird.
321
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:52,524
(BUTTONS BEEP)
322
00:15:52,519 --> 00:15:54,989
68 north by
323
00:15:54,988 --> 00:15:57,818
99 west.
324
00:15:57,824 --> 00:15:59,294
(YAWNS)
325
00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:03,064
You know what
seems weird?
326
00:16:03,063 --> 00:16:05,903
Huh.
Them wanting us to crash the
plane into Mount Rushmore.
327
00:16:05,898 --> 00:16:08,098
Is it me? Am I...
I don't know.
328
00:16:08,101 --> 00:16:10,171
It just seems a little
weird, doesn't it?
329
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:12,040
You know what? Maybe we
should just radio in to Air
Traffic Control and just
330
00:16:12,039 --> 00:16:13,409
kind of double-check
those coordinates.
Couldn't hurt.
331
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:15,136
Couldn't hurt.
(LAUGHING)
332
00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,842
Couldn't hurt to
double check.
Do a little idiot check.
333
00:16:16,843 --> 00:16:18,783
Hey, uh, radio man.
334
00:16:18,778 --> 00:16:20,178
Radio man?
335
00:16:27,554 --> 00:16:29,494
I'm sorry, uh...
336
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,229
I'm so embarrassed.
I forgot your name.
337
00:16:35,762 --> 00:16:38,072
Rusty. Rusty O'Brien.
338
00:16:38,065 --> 00:16:40,495
Rusty O'Brien.
Rusty! I'm so sorry.
339
00:16:40,500 --> 00:16:44,100
So many new faces around
here, Rusty, ever since
the merger and the buyout.
340
00:16:44,104 --> 00:16:45,344
Blah, blah, blah.
341
00:16:45,338 --> 00:16:47,868
Oh, uh, what was
I gonna ask you?
342
00:16:47,874 --> 00:16:51,084
Oh, hey, would you, uh,
run those coordinates
by Air Traffic Control
343
00:16:51,078 --> 00:16:53,408
just to see if that's
what they meant,
'cause it seems
344
00:16:53,413 --> 00:16:55,083
just a little
bit fishy to me.
345
00:16:55,082 --> 00:16:56,522
Just, just radio
to the tower.
346
00:17:10,763 --> 00:17:12,103
So,
347
00:17:12,099 --> 00:17:13,369
that's a yes?
348
00:17:18,671 --> 00:17:20,571
All right. Well,
there you go.
Okey doke. Okey doke.
349
00:17:20,573 --> 00:17:22,613
Thanks, Rusty.
350
00:17:22,609 --> 00:17:23,979
Huh.
351
00:17:23,976 --> 00:17:26,876
(BUTTONS BEEP)
352
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,049
(MOUTH POPPING)
353
00:17:33,953 --> 00:17:34,993
You know what
seems weird?
354
00:17:34,987 --> 00:17:36,487
Hmm.
355
00:17:36,489 --> 00:17:39,759
Them having us
crash the plane into
Mount Rushmore,
356
00:17:39,759 --> 00:17:42,429
instead of landing
safely in Detroit
357
00:17:42,429 --> 00:17:44,229
where all these
passengers
paid to land.
358
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:47,101
It seems like straight
up bad customer
service to me, right?
359
00:17:47,100 --> 00:17:48,700
Doesn't it?
360
00:17:48,701 --> 00:17:50,871
I wonder if we
should maybe wake
the captain up.
361
00:17:50,870 --> 00:17:54,110
No, no, no, no, no. The
captain had a very, very
late night last night.
362
00:17:54,107 --> 00:17:55,607
We are not waking
the captain.
363
00:17:55,608 --> 00:17:57,478
That's why there's four of
us in the cockpit, okay?
364
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:00,382
I'm gonna call
the tower.
365
00:18:00,380 --> 00:18:02,120
Yeah, I'm just
gonna double check.
366
00:18:02,115 --> 00:18:03,845
Super duper idea.
367
00:18:03,850 --> 00:18:05,350
(HUMMING)
368
00:18:05,352 --> 00:18:07,322
MARK ON PHONE: Detroit
tower, this is Mark.
369
00:18:07,320 --> 00:18:11,720
Hey! Hey, how's it
going, Mark? Uh, this
is Flight 77 from LAX...
370
00:18:11,724 --> 00:18:13,694
(WHISPERING)
Tell him I said hi.
371
00:18:13,693 --> 00:18:17,563
Uh, our radio guy
just gave me kind of
a squirrely message,
372
00:18:17,564 --> 00:18:19,634
and I just wanted
to double check
that you want us
373
00:18:19,632 --> 00:18:22,942
to land at 68
degrees north
374
00:18:22,935 --> 00:18:24,565
by 99 west...
99 west.
375
00:18:24,571 --> 00:18:26,911
...because we think that
would have this plane
376
00:18:26,906 --> 00:18:28,536
crashing into
Mount Rushmore?
377
00:18:28,541 --> 00:18:30,441
That make sense
to you guys?
Definitely will, yeah.
378
00:18:30,443 --> 00:18:32,153
MARK: Give me
a sec here, and I'll
run it up the chain.
379
00:18:32,145 --> 00:18:33,945
Don't, I mean if
it's too much trouble.
380
00:18:33,946 --> 00:18:35,216
Don't, uh...
Don't, uh... Tell him
not to freak out about it.
381
00:18:35,215 --> 00:18:36,075
Oh, yeah.
They're looking?
382
00:18:36,082 --> 00:18:37,322
Yeah.
Okay.
383
00:18:38,718 --> 00:18:40,148
Hold music.
384
00:18:40,153 --> 00:18:41,393
What are
they playing?
385
00:18:42,822 --> 00:18:43,722
Danger Zone.
386
00:18:43,723 --> 00:18:45,793
(LAUGHING)
Danger Zone!
387
00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,692
Fucking A!
388
00:18:47,694 --> 00:18:49,064
Goose!
389
00:18:49,061 --> 00:18:50,401
Maverick!
390
00:18:50,397 --> 00:18:51,697
Maverick, Goose!
391
00:18:52,932 --> 00:18:54,202
I feel the need...
392
00:18:54,201 --> 00:18:56,971
BOTH:
The need for speed!
393
00:18:56,969 --> 00:18:58,309
(LAUGHING)
394
00:18:59,172 --> 00:19:00,672
Ah, the Gun.
395
00:19:00,673 --> 00:19:02,883
Rusty!
Rusty, you a big
Top Gun fan?
396
00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:05,854
The movie?
397
00:19:05,845 --> 00:19:08,175
The movie Top Gun?
Tom Cruise?
398
00:19:08,181 --> 00:19:09,451
Kilmer?
399
00:19:09,449 --> 00:19:11,179
Dead fighter pilots?
400
00:19:11,184 --> 00:19:12,694
You never saw
that one?
Never saw Top Gun!
401
00:19:12,685 --> 00:19:14,715
Oh, you gotta Netflix
that one, Rusty.
402
00:19:14,721 --> 00:19:16,761
That is a good one.
Goody.
403
00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,116
Cruise's
always good.
404
00:19:18,124 --> 00:19:19,834
He was always good.
He was always good.
Reliable.
405
00:19:19,826 --> 00:19:22,086
You know, despite
all the hubbub,
just a great actor.
406
00:19:22,094 --> 00:19:23,804
MARK: Found it.
Hmm.
407
00:19:23,796 --> 00:19:26,726
68 north by 99 west, that's
Mount Rushmore, all right.
408
00:19:26,733 --> 00:19:29,273
Anything else I
can do for you?
409
00:19:29,269 --> 00:19:30,669
No, I guess
that's good.
410
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,910
Thanks, guys.
Thank you.
411
00:19:32,905 --> 00:19:34,165
What'd he say?
412
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:35,483
Yeah, that's
Mount Rushmore,
all right.
413
00:19:35,475 --> 00:19:39,775
Okey doke,
68 north
by 99 west.
414
00:19:41,314 --> 00:19:42,884
Who's on Mount
Rushmore, again?
There's uh, let's see.
415
00:19:42,882 --> 00:19:44,822
You got, uh...
416
00:19:44,817 --> 00:19:47,117
Roosevelt. One of
the Roosevelts.
Lincoln? Yeah, Lincoln.
417
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,219
Teddy? FDR?
The walking Roosevelt.
418
00:19:49,222 --> 00:19:51,262
Walking Roosevelt
is Teddy.
Yeah, you got Teddy.
419
00:19:51,258 --> 00:19:53,688
And then, uh, right.
You got, uh,
George Washington.
420
00:19:53,693 --> 00:19:55,933
Right. And...
And...
421
00:19:55,928 --> 00:19:59,228
Van Buren? No, obviously
not Van Buren. Taft.
422
00:20:05,204 --> 00:20:06,614
What were we
talking about?
423
00:20:06,606 --> 00:20:08,706
Uh, we were talking
about, uh, Top Gun.
424
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:09,608
Top Gun!
425
00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:11,139
Mount Rushmore!
Right, right!
426
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,383
They want us to crash the
plane into Mount Rushmore.
427
00:20:12,379 --> 00:20:14,179
BOTH: Maybe...
428
00:20:14,180 --> 00:20:15,450
We should run
that by the old, uh,
flight attendants.
429
00:20:15,448 --> 00:20:16,718
This must be
their route, right?
430
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,486
Yeah. They would
remember, right?
431
00:20:18,485 --> 00:20:20,045
Flight attendants
to the flight deck,
432
00:20:20,052 --> 00:20:21,692
flight attendants
to the flight deck,
please.
433
00:20:21,688 --> 00:20:22,888
Va-va-voom!
434
00:20:24,457 --> 00:20:25,657
Is there a problem?
435
00:20:32,465 --> 00:20:37,035
Uh, no, not a problem
per se, just a quick
question which is, um,
436
00:20:37,036 --> 00:20:38,906
this is your normal
route, right?
Right?
437
00:20:38,905 --> 00:20:41,205
Oh, fourteen times
a week, sir.
438
00:20:41,207 --> 00:20:47,747
Do you remember ever, ever
being ordered to crash the
plane into Mount Rushmore?
439
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:53,316
I, wow, I don't think
so, but then I'm not
up in the cockpit, so...
440
00:20:53,320 --> 00:20:55,320
Ah.
441
00:20:55,322 --> 00:20:57,262
I know we never have
crashed into Mount Rushmore,
so there's that.
442
00:20:57,256 --> 00:20:58,786
Right. You'd
remember that.
443
00:20:58,791 --> 00:21:00,791
I would remember
that, I think.
Yeah, totally.
444
00:21:00,793 --> 00:21:03,203
Yeah. What about
you two guys?
445
00:21:03,195 --> 00:21:06,095
You ever remember
being ordered to
crash the plane?
446
00:21:06,098 --> 00:21:07,928
You do?
You do remember?
447
00:21:07,934 --> 00:21:09,344
You definitely have?
448
00:21:11,404 --> 00:21:15,244
So, on previous
flights on this route
you have been ordered to
449
00:21:15,241 --> 00:21:20,281
and subsequently did crash
the plane into Mount Rushmore?
450
00:21:20,279 --> 00:21:25,449
(NERVOUSLY) Uh,
every day the same
old, same old.
451
00:21:25,452 --> 00:21:27,222
Different day,
same shit.
452
00:21:27,219 --> 00:21:28,659
Huh.
Huh.
453
00:21:28,655 --> 00:21:29,715
Your guess won.
There you go.
454
00:21:29,722 --> 00:21:31,192
All right.
There you go.
455
00:21:31,190 --> 00:21:32,990
Maybe we should
call the TSA?
456
00:21:32,992 --> 00:21:35,502
No! Let's not bug
those guys. Let's
not bug them.
457
00:21:35,495 --> 00:21:37,855
Yeah, let's not
bug those guys. Yeah.
458
00:21:37,864 --> 00:21:39,704
I hate to
bug 'em.
Yeah, okay.
459
00:21:39,699 --> 00:21:41,299
Okay, okay, yeah.
Oh, don't bug 'em.
Don't bug 'em.
460
00:21:41,300 --> 00:21:42,970
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't bug 'em,
don't bug 'em.
461
00:21:42,969 --> 00:21:44,339
They're there.
Speed dial.
Okay, bug 'em.
462
00:21:44,337 --> 00:21:45,567
That's okay. That's
why they're there.
463
00:21:45,572 --> 00:21:47,042
(PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
464
00:21:47,039 --> 00:21:48,879
Ringing. Ringing.
465
00:21:50,410 --> 00:21:52,650
(PHONE RINGING)
466
00:22:00,620 --> 00:22:02,020
(PHONE RINGING)
467
00:22:04,557 --> 00:22:05,757
(SQUAWKING)
468
00:22:07,794 --> 00:22:09,464
You know, it's still
pretty early there,
469
00:22:09,462 --> 00:22:11,562
at the TSA, you know.
CO-PILOT: Okay,
here's the thing.
470
00:22:11,564 --> 00:22:13,934
We are over South Dakota
right now, so if we
don't quit squawking,
471
00:22:13,933 --> 00:22:15,403
we're gonna miss
Mount Rushmore, so...
472
00:22:15,402 --> 00:22:16,642
There ain't gonna
be no plane crash.
473
00:22:16,636 --> 00:22:19,136
(LAUGHS) Exactly.
So, uh, so I say
474
00:22:19,138 --> 00:22:22,008
that's it, boom,
settled, we're crashing
into Mount Rushmore.
475
00:22:22,008 --> 00:22:25,408
Uh, everybody back
to your seats, and
crash positions, please.
476
00:22:25,412 --> 00:22:26,882
Yay!
Woo-hoo!
477
00:22:26,879 --> 00:22:28,149
Here we go.
Very exciting.
478
00:22:28,147 --> 00:22:29,877
Okay.
Bye!
479
00:22:29,882 --> 00:22:31,782
This is going to
feel a little funny
for a little while.
480
00:22:31,784 --> 00:22:33,724
And...
(INTERCOM DINGS)
481
00:22:33,720 --> 00:22:36,660
Ladies and gentlemen,
if you look directly out
the front of the plane
482
00:22:36,656 --> 00:22:38,986
you are in
for a real treat,
483
00:22:38,991 --> 00:22:41,891
and that is the
face of Mount Rushmore
heading straight for us.
484
00:22:41,894 --> 00:22:43,404
Jefferson!
Look at that!
485
00:22:43,396 --> 00:22:44,396
That's who it is!
That's number four.
486
00:22:44,397 --> 00:22:47,697
And away we go!
487
00:22:47,700 --> 00:22:49,940
Coming in hot!
Coming in hot.
488
00:22:49,936 --> 00:22:53,606
Did you say 68
north by 99 west?
489
00:22:53,606 --> 00:22:55,366
Yeah, where you
been, Rusty?
490
00:22:55,374 --> 00:22:57,384
What part of "we're
crashing the plane
into Mount Rushmore"
491
00:22:57,376 --> 00:22:58,476
don't you get?
492
00:22:58,478 --> 00:22:59,748
(LAUGHING)
493
00:22:59,746 --> 00:23:04,816
I think this is
66 north by 89 west.
494
00:23:04,817 --> 00:23:07,117
Minneapolis St. Paul
International Airport.
Right!
495
00:23:07,119 --> 00:23:08,819
Makes so much
more sense!
Makes way more sense.
496
00:23:08,821 --> 00:23:11,121
Pull her up,
pull her up.
Whoa!
497
00:23:11,123 --> 00:23:13,333
Just rerouting.
Just rerouting.
Whoo.
498
00:23:13,325 --> 00:23:15,325
Just rerouting us.
499
00:23:15,327 --> 00:23:18,527
Jeez, yeah, there's that
big blizzard so they send
us to another airport.
500
00:23:18,531 --> 00:23:20,031
Yeah.
Not crashing...
501
00:23:20,032 --> 00:23:21,132
Not crashing into
Mount Rushmore.
502
00:23:21,133 --> 00:23:22,173
That's crazy.
503
00:23:22,168 --> 00:23:23,298
Did I miss
anything?
504
00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:24,642
No, no, no.
Nothing at all.
505
00:23:24,637 --> 00:23:26,107
It's all good.
It's all good.
506
00:23:26,105 --> 00:23:27,635
(SIGHS)
507
00:23:27,640 --> 00:23:29,180
I'll tell you, though,
you let one more
fart loose in here
508
00:23:29,175 --> 00:23:30,475
I'm gonna have to
drop the oxygen masks.
509
00:23:30,477 --> 00:23:32,137
(LAUGHING)
510
00:23:32,144 --> 00:23:34,554
Don't talk about your
"underwear bomber."
511
00:23:34,547 --> 00:23:36,547
That's this guy.
That's this guy.
512
00:23:52,532 --> 00:23:53,832
Oh, lordy.
513
00:23:53,833 --> 00:23:55,433
Hey, don't
blame me, though.
514
00:23:55,434 --> 00:23:57,974
I was told by my boss that
was going to be a lot better.
515
00:23:57,970 --> 00:23:59,840
You know, that's
the problem around
here, though.
516
00:23:59,839 --> 00:24:02,409
People at this
company don't know
what they're doing.
517
00:24:02,408 --> 00:24:04,178
Isn't that always
the way, though?
518
00:24:04,176 --> 00:24:07,106
Guys like you and me
get the shaft, while
they get the mine?
519
00:24:08,280 --> 00:24:09,650
Well, don't worry.
520
00:24:09,649 --> 00:24:10,919
We'll get 'em back.
38859
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