All language subtitles for Funny.Or.Die.Presents.S02E04_English

Just kill him!
(GROANING)

I'm trying.

All right,
here we go.

(BOTH SCREAMING)

(SCREAMS)

You know what's
wrong with this country?

It's you.

Simply put,
I am better than you.

It's the deer.
They're in on it.

I haven't been this confused
since someone switched
my Depends with Pampers,

and I thought
I'd turned into
Benjamin Button.

(HONKING)

Oh! (CHUCKLES)
How'd that happen?

(GASPS)

Oh, Miss Kettlespur
here and I, we were
just looking for

a plug.

You know, for the...

For the computer.
And her bra got caught.

You know,
the usual situation
with a caught bra.

(CHUCKLES)

Miss Kettlespur,
you can go now

and fix that bra
that got caught
on the, uh,

snag there.

She'll just...
She'll just go
and take care of that.

Hello, I'm Ed Halligan,
Vice President of Sales
and Marketing

here at Funny or Die,
and welcome to
another half-hour

of Funny or Die Presents.

It's another half-hour
of completely original
short-form comedy

you can only see
right here on HBO.

Of course,
that doesn't stop
some of you from asking,

"Why would I watch it here,
when I can see it for free
on the Internet?"

Well, you need
to shut the fuck up.

You can't see this
on the Internet,
because it's not there.

It's only here on HBO,
and you haven't
seen it before.

So shut it.

Now.

Here it comes.

FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight,
on the Funny or Die Nework,

(SIGHS)

It's Gert,

Death Hunt, Part 1,
starring Rob Riggle,
Paul Scheer and Rob Huebel.

Also, Dave Koechner's
Men of Unquiet Desperation.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Every year, my friends
Johnson and Thoos
take me camping.

You know what I hate
about camping?

Everything. Especially
those carpenter ants.

"Oh, so you're
a carpenter, huh?

"Well, why don't you
build me a house for camping?"

(HONKS)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thoos, you are gonna
love this ragout.

This is an old
family recipe.

It's from France, but I'm sure
your people don't know that
much about French stuff.

It's special "gout."

It's gout.

What you say, Gert?

You're trying
to pronounce "ragout."

No, it's "gout."

It's spelled "gout,"
but it's pronounced "goo."

R-A-G-O-U-T.

(GONG SOUNDING)

If that's how
you spell "ragout,"

how come when
you sign out for e-mail,
you don't "logout,"

or when a batter
strikes out, he doesn't
run back to the "dugout,"

and when you're said,
you don't "pout"?

(HONKS)

We have
bigger fish to fry
than ragout, Johnson.

Did you see the trail
back to the car
that Thoos laid?

It's all crumbs.

What are you talking
about, crumbs?

Thoos laid crumbs.
It's bear season.

He's gonna lead the bears
right to us.

Bears love crumbs,

that means
I'm gonna be

crumbcake!

(AIR HORN SOUNDING)

(YELLS)

Thoos, what are
you doing?

He's scaring
the bears away.

Bears don't like honks.
They think it's traffic.

(HONKS)

This place is not safe.
We gotta go back
to the car.

We can't go back to the car.
Half the crumb trail is eaten
by now. Plus there's...

(SOUNDING)

(STAMMERING) It's...
It's rush hour.

It'd take eight hours
to get back
to the city.

(SOUNDS WEAKLY)

Gert, you're gonna be
in a bear's belly

and you're worried
about traffic?

(GONG SOUNDING)

I hate traffic.

Have you ever been
on the freeway
at 5:00 p.m?

It's like
asteroid traffic.

You know the traffic in movies
when everyone realizes
the 'roid is coming?

Uh-uh. I'll take an asteroid
in the face before I'll
get in that traffic.

(HONKING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, it's gonna be
a long night!

(GONG SOUNDING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

JOHNSON AND GERT:
* And that's how
the boy went home *

(GONG SOUNDING)

S'mores?
How about some less.
I'm on a diet.

(HONKS)

(BEAR GROWLING)

I got it.
Let's make ghost noise
to scare the bears away.

I'll go first. Boo.

What? You two
got soft heads?

Let's do this
together. Boo.

Boo.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I like it better when
Thoos doesn't speak.

His breath
smells like drugs.

(HONKS)

Boo.

Boo.
Horse.

Boo.

Boo!

Horse.
(EXCLAIMS)

Beads!
Horse.

I'm good!
(EXCLAIMS)

I'm good!
(EXCLAIMS)

Horse.

G'boo.

I haven't been this confused
since someone switched
my Depends with Pampers,

and I thought
I'd turned into
Benjamin Button.

(HONKS)

Horse.
Banana.

THOOS: Horse.
Let's make ghost noise
to scare...

Horse.
JOHNSON: That's enough.

We don't even know
if there's any bears
out there.

This is all based
on a crumb assumption.

Come on, Thoos,
we are out of here.

Every year you do this.
You're just afraid
of the woods.

Oh, no, I'm not
afraid of the woods,

I'm afraid of the horns,
the crumbs, the bears.

Hey, Thoos, man,
what's the problem?

Let's bump, man!

(GROWLS)

(SCREAMS)

Aah! The bear ate
my friend Thoos!

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERS)

(AUDIENCE CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(BELL DINGS)

(ANNOUNCER READING)

(TOILET FLUSHING)

Dude, The Celestine Prophecy
will fuck you up.

I read that,
I had to be alone
for, like, three weeks.

Oh, my God!

I mean, we forget
how shit used to be.

There were people
who were just thinkers.

There were thinkers
and there were seers.
Seers.

And now,
who's even doing that?

No one. Seeing.
Like, who's thinking?
Who's seeing?

Like, we're not taking
time to think or see.

No, I know.

I know.
I read that during
hunter-gatherer times...

Mmm-hmm.
...the people with ADD,
that they were...

The knights, like,
the watch people,

and the, like,
the sacred protectors
of all the...

Like, tribes.

That makes...
That makes sense.
I know.

They give them a job,
you know?

So, I guess I should just
be, like, free and run
throught the forest.

Did you really
let Chris finger you
on Friday?

Yeah.

Which finger?

That's his favorite.

(EXHALES)

MALE NARRATOR:
Uh, now presenting
the world premiere

of a motion picture
(CLEARS THROAT)

produced specially
for Funny or Die,

the Movie of the Week.

Tonight's movie, Death Hunt.

(FIRES)

(RIFLE FIRING)

Did I get it?
Is it dead?

He'll die one day,
maybe a heart attack,

or deer ticks.
Maybe he'll get hit
by a car.

CLAY: (LAUGHING)
I gotta tell you guys,

I don't know how
I feel about killing
God's creatures.

Will you please
shut the fuck up, man?

This is the one time of year
we get to see each other.

I flew everybody in
just to relax and
kill some animals.

LIONEL: Why can't we just
go back to Dollywood?

CLAY: I had a lot of fun
at Dollywood.

You know what?
A horse penis looks exactly
like what you'd think

a horse penis looks like,
okay? So can we drop it?

CLAY: No, what are
you doing?

We gotta pray.
No, no.

(ALL PROTESTING)
No, we're praying.

(SIGHS DEEPLY)

Hello, Lord,
it's Clay, your favorite.

I want to thank you, Lord,
for this wonderful bounty
that you've bestowed upon us.

ALL: Amen.

And also, Lord,
I want to thank you for
this time with my friends.

ALL: Amen.
No, not yet.

Friends like Brad, here,
Lord, thank you so much
for Brad.

Thank you for blessing him
with the financial wealth
that he enjoys

and the independence.
But, Lord, I also ask that
you help him with his sin.

Help him with
the sluts and whores

and the filthy garbage
that he hangs out with.

Okay.

Help him with the
finger-fucking and
the asshole-fucking.

Help him with
the fornication
and the sodomy.

Help him with the whores
and the shemale that
did this to his face.

No, I cut myself shaving.
I cut myself shaving.
LIONEL: Shemale?

CLAY: Brad, please?
I'm talking to God.

And also,
to my friend Lionel!

Sweet Lionel.

Lord, I ask you
to help him,

so that he can stop
wetting the bed
like a total pussy.

That... That was
one time.

You're a grown man,
Lionel.

It was at summer camp.
Help him, God.

And, Lord, my veterenarian
friend, Terry.
Terrence.

Terry.
Terrence.

Lord, help Terry understand
the difference between
a real doctor

and someone who
does cattle abortions.

Why would I ever
do a cattle abortion?

Lord, finally,
I want to thank you
for me.

LIONEL: Come on.

For making me
physically superior
to everybody here.

I am the best.
I know it.

ALL: Amen, amen.
Hold on.

Amen.
(KISSES)

TERRENCE: Amen. That was
a great prayer.
Thank you.

Hey, Brad,
everything cool here?

Yeah. (TISKS) Man,
these European razors.

TERRENCE: Buy American.

Check it out.
Take one, pass it around.

CLAY: What are these?

Only the latest in
campfire grilling
technology.

The pocket spit.

Just because we're living
in the present, doesn't mean
we can't have the tools

of the future. Gervin.

Did you just slip
your company's slogan
into casual conversation?

Actually, it's not
the official slogan,

but our company's giving us
a $10,000 bonus if we
come up with a new one, so...

Oh, check this one out.

Gervin backpacks,
light as a feather,

an eagle's feather.

Go America.
Go Gervin.

* Go-go-go Gervin *

Yeah, that's bad.
Don't do that one.
It sucks. Not that one.

It's too long.

Gentlemen, hello!
ALL: Hello!

Huntin' some deer?
ALL: Yeah.

That's not a problem,
is it?

The only problem I see
is there aren't enough
deer carcasses around.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

I'm not joking.

Shoot some
fucking deer, men.

Uh, okay.

I'm sorry, did you need
to see our hunting licenses
or something?

I don't care
if you have a license,

just as long as you have
a gun, and a healthy
hatred of deer.

You really, uh,
hate deer, huh?

Yeah, I do.

It all goes back
to 9/11.

I was working
the petting zoo,
deer section,

when I heard about
what happened

with the airplanes
and the towers...

Yeah, we know.
(ALL AGREEING)

Unfortunately, by then,
it was too late
to do anything.

If I had known
earlier I could have
made a difference.

I could have prevented it.

But you're a park ranger.
In Montana.

Yeah, it's not
your fault.

I know.

It's the deer.
They're in on it.

In on what?

The conspiracy.
This goes deep.

But you city slickers
don't have a fuckin' clue.

Two words:
sleeper cell.

(SCREAMING)

(ALL SCREAMING)

(ALL YELLING)

(SCREAMING HYSTERICALLY)

CLAY: Someone's
shooting at us!

BRAD: No shit, retard.

No offense to retards.
Some of them are nice.

He thinks we're animals.

We're not animals!
We're not animals!
We're not animals!

We're hunters!
We're hunters!

Oh!
Holy shit,
they shot Lionel.

I see that!

(SCREAMS)

We gotta get
out of here, man.

An arrow!
A fuckin' arrow!

You go get the guns
and the beer,
I'm gonna get Lionel.

(LIONEL CONTINUES SCREAMING)

LIONEL: They put an arrow
in my fuckin' hand!

Fuck you!
A fuckin' arrow!

You shot me
with a fuckin'...

A fuckin' arrow!

Lord, make my feet
swift like the gazelle.

CLAY: Brad, wait up.

Lionel's been hit.

Gotta keep moving.
CLAY: I can't!

I think he might
be dyin'!

Fuck him,
he's always been
dead weight. Let's go.

What?
Let's go.

Lord, please
take Lionel

into heaven
and forgive him
for his sins.

I'm not dead.
He needs a doctor,
not a priest.

I just saved his life.
TERRENCE: Did you?

You're not a doctor.
Yeah, I am,

but for animals.
Let me hear your heartbeat.

Only four of his
five chambers
are working.

Humans only have
four chambers.

Get it out!

Hey!
(CHUCKLING)

(SCREAMS) Oh, God!
Put it back in.
Put it back in.

Dogs don't normally
bleed this much.

(SHUSHING)
Shut up! Shut up!

What?
Someone's coming
from over there.

Let's ambush him.
There's four of us
and only one of him.

I don't know.
The Lord says we should
turn the other cheek.

TERRENCE: The Lord
never had arrows
shot at him.

You can turn the other cheek.
I'm gonna put
this motherfucker down.

He's right.
When he comes
over the hill

we'll get the jump on him.
It's our only chance.

Fire!

Fire!
(ALL YELLING)

TERRENCE:
How are we missing?

Gervin scopes
never miss.

Shot through the heart,
and who's to blame?

Gervin scopes
give all other ones
a bad name.

Shut the fuck up.
What, you don't like it?

CLAY: He's the devil.

All right, we're
sitting ducks up here.
We've gotta blow.

Follow me.

Come on!

(THUDDING)
(BONE BREAKING)

(TERRENCE SCREAMS)

TERRENCE: Oh, my God!

CLAY: Terry, Terry!

Are you okay?

I broke what would be
on a horse its femur.

It's a femur
on a person, too.

Then I broke
my femur.

Tell us what to do
to help you.

There's nothing
you can do.

I'm a lame horse.

Go on, kill me.

What? No. No.
No. No, no.

Don't leave me to that
maniac. Don't leave me
to that maniac.

Just kill me,
and save yourselves.

Kill me and
save yourselves.

Let me do this, all right?
I'm closest to God.

I've got the longest
trip to hell.

Okay, how you
gonna do it, Clay?

I'm gonna do it
like Cain to Abel,

with my hands.

Good night, friend.

(BOTH YELLING)

(NECK CRACKS)

Ow, that hurt
really bad!
(SHUSHING)

Shh. Here we go.
Goodbye, friend.

(SCREAMING)

Aah, that hurts!
That hurts!

(SHUSHING)

It... (SCREAMING)

What are you doing, man?
Just kill him.
That hurts! My neck!

I'm trying!

All right.
All right,
here we go.

(SCREAMING)

You're not killing me!
You're not killing me!
What's wrong with you?

Fuck it.
(SCREAMS)

(TERRENCE BABBLING
INCOHERENTLY)

(TERRENCE SCREAMING)
Oh, that hurts!

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMS)

Hmm.

That's good.

(GUITAR ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

Welcome back
to Juggalo News.

Now, for the latest in
jacked-up, psycho-ass
financial advice,

we turn to Stackin' Dat Cash,
with Shits von Biggenheim.

Here's what I'm saying.
That's not the point.

Think about it.
That's a no-dealer.

Gotta make the move.
Come on!

Hey-oh, and welcome,
I'm Shits von Biggenheim.

There's a lot of dope
investment opportunities

for y'all out there
to stick in your portfoles,

as long as you're not
a retard about it.

Give me a call toll-free
and I'll help your ass out.

Fugly P in Council Bluffs,
Iowa, you're on
Stackin' Dat Cash.

Hey, Shits,
love the show.
Thanks so much.

I was wondering.
I'm all broke and shit,
so what the fuck?

Well, if you are in
a financial hole,

you need to take stock
of how you got there.

For example,
have you made any loans
to bitches recently?

Yeah, a few.
Okay, well, try
the direct approach.

Just go to them and say,
"Give me my fucking money,
bitch."

I know you'll see
some returns real soon.

Homicyclops in
Brownsville, Texas,
spit me some questions.

Hi, I'm thinking
about starting a small
meth business.

Do you have
any advice?

That's a very smart move.
There's a lot of money
in meth right now.

My only advice,
keep your overhead low,

and if you live
with your parents,
lock up your lab.

G-Zus Kryst of Stabzareth
from Barstow, California,
hello.

Hey, Shits.
You got mad love for
any auto stocks right now?

I don't know if
I'd call it mad love,

as long as these companies
keep pumping out these
unreliable cars

that cater exclusively
to fags.

But I am cautiously
optimisistic about
Fulkswagen.

They're about to drop
their Assblaze CS500.

Now, this is
a mid-size sedan,
60-inch wheels,

custom batwings,
and in-cabin
Faygo sprayers.

They're gonna sell
a dumpload of these bitches,

so I say
cop that shit.

(VOICE READING)

Well, that's gonna do it
for Stackin' Dat Cash
this week.

Hey, keep an eye out
for my new dating
advice segment

Tappin' Dat Ass.
I'm out, butthorns.

Coming up next,
allegations of steroid abuse

among the East Detroit
Dope Sox.

Plus, Phats Cockstrangla
reports live from the
Gaza Strip, right after this.

Welcome back
to your lives, America.

You know what's wrong
with this country?

It's you.

Simply put,
I am better than you.

Speaking of second-best,

Gerry Flesvig,
my producer.

Come on, Flesvig.
Feed me, Flesvig.

Feed me.

All right,
you're on the air
with Jack Prichard.

MAN: Hey, Jack,
you're better than me.

Good, caller.

How can I
improve your life?

I don't know
what I know.

I want to matter
but I can't.

I want friends.
I want people to like me.

I want to be pathetic.

Get your balls back, Steve.

You disgust me.

Someone probably
owns you, and you
don't even know it.

This is Jack Prichard.

And you're welcome.

Great show, Jack.
So refreshing.

Really kicked
my sack in.

The phone lines
are still blowing up.

Let's go out
and celebrate, Flesvig.
Get our feed bag on.

Somewhere high-end.
You pick it.

Oh, Jack, uh...

It's all right, Flesvig.
I don't bite on
the first date.

You've earned it.

My treat.
It's...

(STAMMERING)
It's not that, um...

Some of us are
going out for
Mike's birthday.

Would you like
to come?

No.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

MAN: Thank you.
Happy 21st.

Oh! (CHUCKLES)
No, I wish. I wish.

Hey, guys,
you ready to go out?

MIKE: Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

WOMAN:
(IN SINGSONG VOICE)
Let's do this.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Oh!

Oh, good, Flesvig.

Stick around,
I wanna go over
tomorrow's show.

Hey.

Don't eat
until I come out.

(SPANKING CONTINUES)

Well, that's the end
of that.

I think we all know
how the rest of the night's
gonna play out.

A few drinks
down at the Lamplighter.

Some early hits on
women out of my league.

Some desperate groping
in the bathroom with
the usual barfly.

Throwing up, blacking out,
and some time in detox.

But, I'll be back
on my feet again
next week.

(CHUCKLES)

See ya then.