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1
00:00:12,480 --> 00:00:13,810
Paco, Paco.
2
00:00:13,881 --> 00:00:16,021
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my goodness.
Thank you.
3
00:00:17,051 --> 00:00:18,091
You're making me blush.
4
00:00:18,152 --> 00:00:20,352
This is so embarrassing.
(GIGGLING)
5
00:00:20,421 --> 00:00:21,691
You don't want
any part of the stink
6
00:00:21,755 --> 00:00:23,815
I got hidin' in this
front butthole, kid.
7
00:00:23,891 --> 00:00:25,591
Okay, okay!
I'll talk.
8
00:00:25,659 --> 00:00:26,989
(FARTING)
Ugh!
9
00:00:27,061 --> 00:00:28,401
You ain't
see shit.
10
00:00:29,263 --> 00:00:30,633
Don't say
nothin'.
11
00:00:30,698 --> 00:00:33,568
(CRYING) I thought she
could handle this shit!
12
00:00:33,634 --> 00:00:35,204
Paco, Paco.
13
00:00:35,269 --> 00:00:36,439
You're right,
we gotta bury her.
14
00:00:46,013 --> 00:00:47,683
What you got,
sugar?
15
00:00:47,748 --> 00:00:49,248
Uh-huh.
16
00:00:50,218 --> 00:00:51,418
Oh, yes.
17
00:00:52,553 --> 00:00:53,893
Right.
18
00:00:53,954 --> 00:00:56,094
Hi there!
I'm Ed Halligan.
19
00:00:56,157 --> 00:00:57,457
I know last year
on this show,
20
00:00:57,525 --> 00:00:59,085
I made a big deal about
the world of television
21
00:00:59,160 --> 00:01:02,030
and the Internet
merging into one.
22
00:01:02,096 --> 00:01:05,396
But, look how
far we've come
in just a year.
23
00:01:05,466 --> 00:01:07,096
More and more
entertainment
24
00:01:07,168 --> 00:01:09,398
is coming out
of our computers.
25
00:01:09,470 --> 00:01:11,310
People now watch
whole television shows
26
00:01:11,372 --> 00:01:13,342
on their
computers.
27
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:15,577
We really are reaching
a tipping point here
28
00:01:15,643 --> 00:01:18,953
where more people will
get their entertainment
from computers
29
00:01:19,012 --> 00:01:21,922
than from
their TV sets.
30
00:01:21,982 --> 00:01:23,422
In fact, if you're watching
tonight's programming
31
00:01:23,484 --> 00:01:25,354
on a TV set hooked
up to a cable,
32
00:01:25,419 --> 00:01:27,219
you may be
behind the times.
33
00:01:27,288 --> 00:01:28,558
It's true!
34
00:01:28,622 --> 00:01:30,592
Go on any college
campus, you won't see
35
00:01:30,658 --> 00:01:32,128
TVs in dorm rooms.
36
00:01:32,193 --> 00:01:35,363
Just laptops and
Xboxes and iPads.
37
00:01:35,429 --> 00:01:36,999
Hey, I'll even
go this far.
38
00:01:37,064 --> 00:01:38,704
If you're watching
tonight's show
39
00:01:38,766 --> 00:01:40,966
on a TV hooked up
to a regular cable,
40
00:01:41,034 --> 00:01:42,844
then you're
a real jerk.
41
00:01:42,903 --> 00:01:44,273
That's right,
jerko,
42
00:01:44,338 --> 00:01:45,608
you're making a real
monkey's ass of yourself,
43
00:01:45,673 --> 00:01:47,643
sitting there like
a first-class fuck-up.
44
00:01:47,708 --> 00:01:48,808
Look around!
45
00:01:48,876 --> 00:01:50,436
Does anyone else have
shit on their face?
46
00:01:50,511 --> 00:01:54,181
No. Just you
and your dumb,
old TV set.
47
00:01:54,248 --> 00:01:55,748
Way to go,
numbnuts.
48
00:01:55,816 --> 00:01:57,846
It's like, the cable
company has its wires
49
00:01:57,918 --> 00:02:01,488
wrapped around your
tiny, little balls.
50
00:02:01,555 --> 00:02:03,185
You know, as a salesman,
I make it my business
51
00:02:03,257 --> 00:02:05,187
to come out here and
pretend I like you.
52
00:02:05,259 --> 00:02:07,359
But as a human being,
I gotta be honest,
53
00:02:09,430 --> 00:02:12,800
your mother
is ashamed.
54
00:02:12,866 --> 00:02:13,866
Enjoy the show.
55
00:02:14,702 --> 00:02:15,902
(CHUCKLES)
56
00:02:42,296 --> 00:02:44,526
FEMALE NARRATOR: Tonight,
on Funny or Die presents,
57
00:02:44,598 --> 00:02:48,498
Romany Malco's
Tijuana Jackson,
58
00:02:48,569 --> 00:02:51,869
The United States
Police Department,
59
00:02:51,939 --> 00:02:55,509
the movie of the week,
Paco Dances,
60
00:02:55,576 --> 00:02:58,606
and Mitch Magee in
Welcome to My Study.
61
00:03:02,583 --> 00:03:06,823
I'll be real, like,
when I was about
8 years old,
62
00:03:06,887 --> 00:03:08,557
my uncle
63
00:03:08,622 --> 00:03:10,222
tried to put his
finger in my asshole
64
00:03:10,291 --> 00:03:12,231
while I was asleep,
but I caught him.
65
00:03:14,027 --> 00:03:15,327
It took 8 hours
of surgery
66
00:03:15,396 --> 00:03:17,396
to get my foot out of
his fucking larynx.
67
00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,425
You know. Man,
68
00:03:19,500 --> 00:03:21,200
(STUTTERING) my momma,
she didn't really
69
00:03:21,269 --> 00:03:22,869
say nothing, you know
what I'm sayin'?
70
00:03:22,936 --> 00:03:25,036
She lets the motherfucker
haul off
71
00:03:25,105 --> 00:03:26,705
and pressed
charges on me.
72
00:03:26,774 --> 00:03:28,514
That was my
first trip to juvie.
73
00:03:28,576 --> 00:03:30,706
You know what I'm
sayin' in here?
74
00:03:30,778 --> 00:03:33,308
My uncle went off
and had my little sister.
75
00:03:34,682 --> 00:03:38,292
You know, I just
realized, like,
76
00:03:38,352 --> 00:03:39,992
you know what
I'm sayin'? It's like,
77
00:03:40,053 --> 00:03:42,463
you know, maybe
had I not gone to juvie
78
00:03:42,523 --> 00:03:44,433
my life would've took a
different turn, you know.
79
00:03:45,826 --> 00:03:47,356
Could've played sports
or something.
80
00:04:01,542 --> 00:04:02,842
Don't nobody say nothin'
to my momma,
81
00:04:02,910 --> 00:04:04,780
'cause she got
bad nerves.
82
00:04:04,845 --> 00:04:06,645
Too many people get to talking
and making noise and shit,
83
00:04:06,714 --> 00:04:08,024
she goin' to
get all jittery.
84
00:04:08,081 --> 00:04:09,581
Act like you
ain't there.
85
00:04:09,650 --> 00:04:11,420
You a fly on the fucking
wall, for this one, all right?
86
00:04:13,421 --> 00:04:15,091
Momma!
WOMAN: What?
87
00:04:15,155 --> 00:04:16,885
T.J.
I know who it is.
88
00:04:16,957 --> 00:04:19,257
What you want, junior?
Do something for me.
89
00:04:19,327 --> 00:04:21,427
Look...
Are we on
Ellen DeGeneres?
90
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:22,655
Oh, no, Ma,
them my cameras.
91
00:04:22,730 --> 00:04:24,060
Well, what
you filming?
92
00:04:24,131 --> 00:04:26,401
I'm a life coach now,
motivational speaker.
93
00:04:26,467 --> 00:04:28,167
They documenting me,
you know,
94
00:04:28,235 --> 00:04:30,565
changing other
people's lives.
People don't change, junior.
95
00:04:30,638 --> 00:04:32,568
Can I come in
the house?
Not with that cigarette.
96
00:04:32,640 --> 00:04:34,170
Okay.
97
00:04:34,241 --> 00:04:35,741
Don't ask me
for no money, either.
98
00:04:35,809 --> 00:04:37,349
You need to water
these goddamn plants.
99
00:04:37,411 --> 00:04:38,811
I wasn't fixing to
ask you for no money.
100
00:04:38,879 --> 00:04:41,049
Okay, I need you to do
a tagline for me, though.
101
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:42,924
It's going to make me
look real wholesome
102
00:04:42,983 --> 00:04:45,023
if I'm a life coach
that's cool with Mom.
103
00:04:45,085 --> 00:04:46,585
I'm not doing no
tagline for you, junior,
104
00:04:46,654 --> 00:04:48,694
till you get a job.
105
00:04:48,756 --> 00:04:51,186
This is a job.
It's the same shit
that Tony Robbins do.
106
00:04:51,258 --> 00:04:52,528
Who's Toby?
107
00:04:52,593 --> 00:04:53,733
You know who
Dr. Phil is?
108
00:04:53,794 --> 00:04:55,034
Dr. Phil is a white man
with a lot of...
109
00:04:55,095 --> 00:04:57,155
Introduced to America
by a black woman
110
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:58,570
very much of your
build and stature.
111
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:00,732
I'm asking you to be
my Oprah Winfrey, Momma.
112
00:05:00,801 --> 00:05:02,341
Oprah Winfrey
gets paid.
113
00:05:02,403 --> 00:05:06,373
(STUTTERING)
114
00:05:06,440 --> 00:05:10,740
(WHISPERING) Can I borrow $50?
You got about $50 I can own?
115
00:05:10,811 --> 00:05:11,681
Anybody?
116
00:05:11,745 --> 00:05:14,005
MOMMA: Jesus,
Jesus, Jesus.
117
00:05:14,081 --> 00:05:16,681
Momma, I'll give you $20.
118
00:05:16,750 --> 00:05:18,550
What you want
me to say?
Are you going to do it?
119
00:05:18,619 --> 00:05:20,549
What is it, junior?
Are you going to do it?
Look what I got you.
120
00:05:22,390 --> 00:05:24,360
Look what I got you.
What is that, junior?
121
00:05:24,425 --> 00:05:25,485
Soften up your
features a little bit,
122
00:05:25,559 --> 00:05:26,789
make you
more wholesome.
123
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:30,432
Middle America
don't take lightly
124
00:05:30,498 --> 00:05:32,428
to strong
African features,
125
00:05:32,500 --> 00:05:34,440
especially with Michelle
flaunting them big old yams
in the White House.
126
00:05:34,502 --> 00:05:35,902
Mmm-hmm.
127
00:05:37,938 --> 00:05:38,938
Look at that.
128
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:41,643
(GIGGLES)
129
00:05:41,709 --> 00:05:43,109
Just gave her
a touch of class,
130
00:05:43,176 --> 00:05:44,206
just like that.
131
00:05:44,277 --> 00:05:45,647
Snap of
the finger.
132
00:05:45,713 --> 00:05:46,883
Do not light that
cigarette in this house.
133
00:05:46,947 --> 00:05:48,617
I wasn't
fixin' to, Momma.
134
00:05:48,682 --> 00:05:50,152
I wasn't fixin' to,
I was just
taking it out.
135
00:05:50,217 --> 00:05:52,687
Wait a minute,
wait a minute.
Let me get that.
136
00:05:52,753 --> 00:05:55,023
Want to make you
look more wholesome.
137
00:05:55,088 --> 00:05:57,158
Put that like that.
138
00:05:57,224 --> 00:05:58,834
And when you say it,
Momma, just say it...
139
00:05:58,892 --> 00:06:00,632
Say it, like, you know
what I'm sayin'?
140
00:06:00,694 --> 00:06:02,204
Like you love
your son, you know
what I'm sayin'?
141
00:06:02,262 --> 00:06:04,062
Say it like you ain't never
had a better son than me.
142
00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:06,671
Okay? All right,
I want y'all to
frame her like this.
143
00:06:06,734 --> 00:06:09,804
This is my son, Tijuana...
Momma, Momma, can you
look in the camera?
144
00:06:11,539 --> 00:06:13,869
If you're sayin' it,
say it to America,
say it to them...
145
00:06:13,941 --> 00:06:18,511
This is my son,
Tijuana Jackson,
science of triumph.
146
00:06:19,880 --> 00:06:21,480
You gotta say it with more
enthusiasm than that.
147
00:06:21,549 --> 00:06:23,919
If you say it like that...
Junior, my
bladder is full.
148
00:06:23,984 --> 00:06:25,794
Can you use it
as motivation?
I've got to go now!
149
00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:27,393
(SIGHS)
150
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,829
You know what,
that's good enough
for me, okay?
151
00:06:36,163 --> 00:06:37,603
I'm gonna take that,
we're gonna edit it,
152
00:06:37,665 --> 00:06:39,125
we gonna put it
on the website.
153
00:06:39,199 --> 00:06:40,569
You know what I'm sayin'?
Upload it to MySpace,
154
00:06:40,634 --> 00:06:42,604
Facebook, put this
shit on Twitter.
155
00:06:42,670 --> 00:06:44,440
You know what I'm sayin'?
Anything we can do. Look,
156
00:06:46,574 --> 00:06:47,814
what ya'll
need to do,
157
00:06:47,875 --> 00:06:49,275
go outside,
158
00:06:49,342 --> 00:06:50,542
film some of
the aesthetics,
159
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,111
so people know
where I come from,
160
00:06:52,179 --> 00:06:54,519
my lifestyle, my background.
You know what I'm sayin'?
161
00:06:55,783 --> 00:06:58,153
Go outside. Go on.
Go film the aesthetics.
162
00:06:59,587 --> 00:07:01,587
Out... Film...
Yeah, good.
163
00:07:01,655 --> 00:07:03,415
(FOOTSTEPS)
164
00:07:14,301 --> 00:07:15,671
You ain't
see shit.
165
00:07:16,604 --> 00:07:17,844
Don't say
nothin'.
166
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:20,212
Turn it off.
Junior.
167
00:07:20,273 --> 00:07:22,283
Get out.
Don't you leave here
without paying me.
168
00:07:22,342 --> 00:07:24,182
Nope. Here we go.
And what'd I tell you about
smoking in the house?
169
00:07:24,244 --> 00:07:26,954
I'm not smokin'.
Okay, all right.
All right, Momma. Bye.
170
00:07:27,014 --> 00:07:28,584
(WHISPERS) Outside!
171
00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,179
Y'all notice something
interesting?
172
00:07:30,250 --> 00:07:32,320
The first thing
my momma said
when I told her
173
00:07:32,385 --> 00:07:34,085
that I was gonna be
a life coach,
174
00:07:34,154 --> 00:07:36,224
she said, "People
don't change." Okay?
175
00:07:36,289 --> 00:07:38,389
Y'all saw me take $20
out of her purse, huh?
176
00:07:38,458 --> 00:07:40,328
You saw me give
it back to her.
177
00:07:40,393 --> 00:07:42,463
Two months ago...
Shit, nigger,
two weeks ago,
178
00:07:42,530 --> 00:07:43,860
that would've been
very different.
179
00:07:43,931 --> 00:07:45,131
Matter of fact, I wouldn't
have gave it back.
180
00:07:45,198 --> 00:07:46,998
She'd a been ass
the fuck out. Okay?
181
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,467
Case in point,
182
00:07:49,402 --> 00:07:50,672
people do change.
183
00:07:50,738 --> 00:07:52,138
I'm living proof.
184
00:07:59,379 --> 00:08:00,649
Y'all get that?
185
00:08:32,379 --> 00:08:33,579
(SCHOOL BELL RINGS)
186
00:08:35,082 --> 00:08:36,822
Hey, partner,
thought you quit...
187
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,294
Fuck you!
188
00:08:38,351 --> 00:08:40,621
Okay.
189
00:08:41,755 --> 00:08:43,015
What do we
got here?
190
00:08:44,191 --> 00:08:46,431
Break in the child
pornography ring.
191
00:08:46,493 --> 00:08:48,503
Fifth grader inside,
Donny Lonovan.
192
00:08:48,562 --> 00:08:49,802
Little perv was caught
looking at this
193
00:08:49,863 --> 00:08:51,773
and rubbing his boner
on the tetherball pole.
194
00:08:51,832 --> 00:08:53,532
Wouldn't tell us
where he got it.
195
00:08:55,368 --> 00:08:56,398
Yeah?
196
00:08:56,469 --> 00:08:57,469
(CRUMPLING PAPER)
197
00:08:57,537 --> 00:08:58,837
Well, he will.
198
00:09:00,608 --> 00:09:02,978
LT. DUCCA: United
States Police Department!
LT. PHUK: USPD!
199
00:09:03,043 --> 00:09:03,943
This is real.
Put your pencils down!
200
00:09:04,011 --> 00:09:06,781
Do not move.
It is on, pal!
201
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:09,417
Tell me that isn't
Janitor Carl Lopez going...
202
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:11,452
(GRUNTING NOISES)
203
00:09:11,518 --> 00:09:13,148
on Ms. Hodgkins
from third grade.
204
00:09:13,220 --> 00:09:14,920
(STUTTERING)
I found it
on the ground!
205
00:09:14,988 --> 00:09:16,658
Oh! He found it
on the ground!
(LT. DUCCA CHUCKLES)
206
00:09:16,724 --> 00:09:19,264
The ground was
where he found it. Okay.
207
00:09:19,326 --> 00:09:21,026
Wrong answer!
That is the
wrong answer!
208
00:09:21,094 --> 00:09:22,634
(FARTING)
Oh, my God!
209
00:09:22,696 --> 00:09:24,296
God's got
nothing to do
210
00:09:24,364 --> 00:09:26,334
with what just came
out of my boo-boo.
211
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,139
Got some mud ghosts,
and my butt is haunted.
212
00:09:29,202 --> 00:09:31,872
Now, you're going to tell
me where you got this.
213
00:09:35,475 --> 00:09:36,775
(STUTTERING) I can't!
214
00:09:36,844 --> 00:09:38,154
Okay, you don't want
any part of the stink
215
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:39,851
I got hidin' in this
front butthole, kid.
216
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,683
Okay, okay!
I'll talk.
217
00:09:41,749 --> 00:09:42,979
(FARTING)
Ugh!
218
00:09:43,050 --> 00:09:44,050
Burrito!
219
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,847
Oh. You will
say it. I'm sorry.
220
00:09:45,919 --> 00:09:48,289
I thought you weren't
going to tell us. Okay.
221
00:09:48,355 --> 00:09:49,515
(FARTING)
Ugh!
222
00:09:49,589 --> 00:09:51,259
That one's
a freebie.
223
00:09:51,324 --> 00:09:54,034
LT. PHUK: Perv.
Taxpayers didn't pay
for a cent of that.
224
00:09:55,829 --> 00:09:57,699
(MUFFLED CHATTERING)
225
00:09:59,800 --> 00:10:01,570
Looks like the cleaning
lady had the month off.
226
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,195
(CHUCKLES)
That's funny.
227
00:10:03,270 --> 00:10:06,240
You want to come see
my sketch show?
No.
228
00:10:06,306 --> 00:10:07,306
Bingo.
229
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:13,112
We are dealing with
one sick puppy,
Detective Phuk.
230
00:10:13,180 --> 00:10:14,310
(DOOR SLAMS)
231
00:10:16,049 --> 00:10:17,219
Oh, farts!
232
00:10:18,551 --> 00:10:20,351
Ow!
233
00:10:20,420 --> 00:10:23,220
Doesn't this kid know
how to play catch?
234
00:10:23,290 --> 00:10:25,290
Hey, can I use that
in my sketch show?
No.
235
00:10:26,927 --> 00:10:29,927
All right, sweetie,
we're going to make this
nice and simple.
236
00:10:29,997 --> 00:10:31,457
Just admit that
you've been producing
237
00:10:31,531 --> 00:10:33,131
and selling child
pornography.
238
00:10:33,200 --> 00:10:35,240
I don't speak
pig latin, ig-pay.
239
00:10:35,302 --> 00:10:37,202
Wrong answer!
Get him
up there!
240
00:10:37,270 --> 00:10:38,510
Hold him down!
241
00:10:38,571 --> 00:10:40,171
You think boobies
are funny? Huh?
BOY: No.
242
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:41,940
You think storing milk
is funny?
BOY: No.
243
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,579
What kind of person
are you, huh?
244
00:10:43,643 --> 00:10:45,283
(GRUNTS)
245
00:10:45,345 --> 00:10:47,305
You think milking
boobies are funny? Huh?
BOY: No!
246
00:10:47,380 --> 00:10:49,380
You think ladies'
pee-pees are funny?
BOY: No! Ow!
247
00:10:49,449 --> 00:10:50,579
Guess what?
248
00:10:50,650 --> 00:10:52,350
Ladies don't
pee out their butt.
249
00:10:52,419 --> 00:10:53,689
Ladies don't pee
250
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:55,194
out their
251
00:10:55,255 --> 00:10:56,055
butts!
252
00:10:56,123 --> 00:10:57,363
BOY: All right,
all right!
253
00:10:58,658 --> 00:10:59,758
All right,
254
00:10:59,827 --> 00:11:01,287
I drew
those things
255
00:11:01,361 --> 00:11:02,701
and I sold them to the
kids at the playground
256
00:11:02,763 --> 00:11:04,773
for a little extra
Tamagotchi money.
257
00:11:04,832 --> 00:11:07,132
So what? I mean, even
if I do get charged
258
00:11:07,200 --> 00:11:08,700
I ain't gonna
do any time!
259
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,169
I'm a minor.
260
00:11:10,237 --> 00:11:11,237
Oh, yeah?
261
00:11:12,706 --> 00:11:14,166
(RIPPING NOISE)
Ah!
262
00:11:14,241 --> 00:11:16,911
Why don't you tell
that to the judge?
263
00:11:16,977 --> 00:11:18,277
Get him
out of here!
264
00:11:18,345 --> 00:11:21,575
Come on.
BOY: I don't even
have pubic hair!
265
00:11:21,648 --> 00:11:25,818
What the...
This isn't... No!
This is not my moustache!
266
00:11:26,954 --> 00:11:28,724
Another scumbag
off the streets.
267
00:11:28,789 --> 00:11:30,719
Yup.
268
00:11:30,791 --> 00:11:32,031
Wanna fuck?
What?
269
00:11:32,092 --> 00:11:33,292
Huh?
270
00:11:33,360 --> 00:11:35,430
You want to come
see my sketch show?
No.
271
00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:01,990
Can't believe
this shit.
272
00:12:03,156 --> 00:12:05,386
Make me want to
cut a motherfucker.
273
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:06,458
(TOILET FLUSHING)
274
00:12:07,861 --> 00:12:09,801
Ooh, I wanna
slice somebody!
275
00:12:11,098 --> 00:12:12,528
You gonna tell somebody
it's a "rap party,"
276
00:12:12,599 --> 00:12:15,439
invite a fucking rapper,
you know what I'm sayin'?
277
00:12:15,502 --> 00:12:16,872
This ain't
a rap party.
278
00:12:18,238 --> 00:12:19,968
Actually, it is
a wrap party
279
00:12:20,040 --> 00:12:22,540
but, you know, like,
for a movie...
280
00:12:22,609 --> 00:12:25,109
The end is also
a wrap party.
281
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:27,748
Where the fuck are
the movie stars?
282
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,275
Paul Rudd
is here.
283
00:12:29,349 --> 00:12:31,549
Who the fuck
is Paul Rudd?
284
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:34,588
Paul Rudd.
I don't know no
motherfucking Paul Rudd!
285
00:12:34,654 --> 00:12:36,464
Uh, the guy
from Clueless?
286
00:12:37,657 --> 00:12:39,187
Oh!
287
00:12:39,259 --> 00:12:41,489
Who was he
in Clueless?
288
00:12:41,561 --> 00:12:45,101
The brother, he ends up
with Alicia Silverstone...
289
00:12:45,165 --> 00:12:46,525
Oh!
290
00:12:46,599 --> 00:12:48,569
I like him!
291
00:12:48,635 --> 00:12:49,865
Where he at?
292
00:12:59,479 --> 00:13:02,049
NARRATOR: And now,
presenting the world premiere
293
00:13:02,115 --> 00:13:06,945
of a motion picture
produced especially
for Funny or Die,
294
00:13:07,020 --> 00:13:09,760
the movie of the week.
295
00:13:09,823 --> 00:13:12,933
Tonight's movie,
Paco Dances.
296
00:13:15,795 --> 00:13:18,295
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
297
00:13:25,072 --> 00:13:27,512
Honey, we have
13 million views.
298
00:13:27,574 --> 00:13:29,944
I told you it was a good idea
to put Paco on YouTube.
299
00:13:30,010 --> 00:13:32,750
Wow! Our little Paco
is famous, isn't he?
300
00:13:32,812 --> 00:13:34,612
We should really think about
taking a trip to Hollywood,
301
00:13:34,681 --> 00:13:37,421
meet some agent manager
types, just like on Entourage.
302
00:13:37,484 --> 00:13:39,294
I don't know, Terry,
we're not really
the Hollywood types.
303
00:13:39,352 --> 00:13:42,092
Yeah, I know.
But maybe Paco is.
304
00:13:42,155 --> 00:13:43,415
What do you think
about that, Paco?
305
00:13:43,490 --> 00:13:44,560
Paco, Paco.
306
00:13:46,059 --> 00:13:48,399
(INDY ROCK SONG PLAYING)
307
00:14:02,775 --> 00:14:04,375
We just want what's
best for Paco.
308
00:14:04,444 --> 00:14:07,284
All you gotta do
is take a look
at our client roster,
309
00:14:07,347 --> 00:14:11,277
and you will see
that we represent
almost 90%
310
00:14:11,351 --> 00:14:14,921
of the animal talent working
in the industry today.
311
00:14:14,988 --> 00:14:17,318
What do you think, Paco?
Paco, Paco.
312
00:14:17,390 --> 00:14:20,230
(ALL LAUGHING)
313
00:14:20,293 --> 00:14:22,003
That's the funniest thing
I've ever heard in my life!
314
00:14:22,062 --> 00:14:23,732
He's one heck
of a bird.
315
00:14:23,796 --> 00:14:26,926
Is it cool if I get
a few minutes alone
with Paco here,
316
00:14:27,000 --> 00:14:29,870
have a little
manager-client
powwow?
317
00:14:29,937 --> 00:14:31,737
Absolutely.
We'll be in the lobby.
318
00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,344
Thank you
so much.
319
00:14:33,406 --> 00:14:36,236
And anything you want,
tell my assistant.
320
00:14:36,309 --> 00:14:37,879
Hope you
like money!
321
00:14:41,748 --> 00:14:43,248
(SIGHS)
322
00:14:44,684 --> 00:14:45,894
Paco,
323
00:14:47,087 --> 00:14:48,987
I'm going to level
with you right now.
324
00:14:50,723 --> 00:14:52,733
You gotta ditch
those two
325
00:14:52,792 --> 00:14:55,462
fucking losers,
all right?
326
00:14:55,528 --> 00:14:59,028
Because they are nothing
but fucking dead weight
327
00:14:59,099 --> 00:15:01,429
dragging you down.
328
00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:04,201
Now, do you want
to be nothing?
329
00:15:04,271 --> 00:15:06,771
Or do you want
to be something
330
00:15:06,839 --> 00:15:08,379
times
331
00:15:08,441 --> 00:15:10,811
amazing? Huh?
332
00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,447
What do you
say, Paco?
333
00:15:13,680 --> 00:15:15,380
(CRYING)
It's okay.
334
00:15:15,448 --> 00:15:17,178
I hope you know what
you're doing, Paco.
335
00:15:17,250 --> 00:15:20,350
(CAR HONKING)
Let's fucking
go, bro!
336
00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,190
Ditch those
losers, already!
337
00:15:34,867 --> 00:15:36,937
(CAMERA CLICKING)
338
00:15:40,340 --> 00:15:44,280
So, in Bird of Pray,
you play a con-artist
339
00:15:44,344 --> 00:15:46,414
disguised as a priest
to escape gambling debts.
340
00:15:46,479 --> 00:15:48,619
How did you prepare
for this role?
341
00:15:48,681 --> 00:15:49,821
Paco, Paco.
342
00:15:49,882 --> 00:15:52,052
(LAUGHING)
Oh, my goodness.
Thank you.
343
00:15:52,119 --> 00:15:53,389
You're making
me blush.
344
00:15:53,453 --> 00:15:55,523
This is so embarrassing.
(GIGGLING)
345
00:16:00,360 --> 00:16:02,100
And the award
for best lead actor
346
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:05,372
in a mini-series
or movie goes to
347
00:16:07,334 --> 00:16:11,204
Paco! HBO's Escape
from Auschwitz!
348
00:16:11,271 --> 00:16:13,241
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
349
00:16:13,306 --> 00:16:14,606
ANNOUNCER: This is Paco's...
Paco, Paco, Paco...
350
00:16:14,674 --> 00:16:17,144
...third nomination
and first win.
351
00:16:18,711 --> 00:16:20,011
(SOBBING)
352
00:16:21,614 --> 00:16:23,354
Paco, Paco.
353
00:16:24,784 --> 00:16:27,354
Hey, you're
really cute.
354
00:16:28,488 --> 00:16:30,288
Do you have
any coke?
355
00:16:30,923 --> 00:16:32,463
(SNIFFS)
356
00:16:32,525 --> 00:16:34,825
(LAUGHING)
357
00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:36,434
A diver one.
358
00:16:38,631 --> 00:16:41,471
Whoa! What the fuck do you
think you're doing in here?
359
00:16:41,534 --> 00:16:43,604
Just gotta take
a piss, man.
What?
360
00:16:43,670 --> 00:16:45,540
What the fuck did
you just say to me?
361
00:16:45,605 --> 00:16:49,475
(SQUAWKS)
Hey, Paco! Hitchcock
this motherfucker!
362
00:16:49,542 --> 00:16:52,512
(SQUAWKING)
No! My eye!
He's got my fucking eye!
363
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,149
(LAUGHING)
364
00:16:54,214 --> 00:16:56,154
(YELLING)
God! My fucking eye!
365
00:16:56,216 --> 00:16:57,876
(YELLING)
366
00:16:57,950 --> 00:17:00,320
(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYING)
367
00:17:03,256 --> 00:17:06,086
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
368
00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,838
Yeah, suck that
bird dick, baby.
369
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:26,710
Two on one,
two on one.
370
00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,749
(SNIFFS)
371
00:17:29,849 --> 00:17:31,149
(MOANS)
372
00:17:31,218 --> 00:17:34,548
Oh, bad bird.
You bad, bad bird.
373
00:17:34,621 --> 00:17:38,091
(MOANS)
374
00:17:38,991 --> 00:17:40,561
(SIGNAL FLARE PLAYING)
375
00:17:56,008 --> 00:17:58,038
(DIALING)
376
00:17:58,111 --> 00:18:00,081
(PHONE RINGING)
377
00:18:00,147 --> 00:18:01,577
(SIGHS)
378
00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:02,818
Hello?
379
00:18:03,983 --> 00:18:05,493
Paco, is that you?
380
00:18:07,053 --> 00:18:09,493
(DIALING NUMBERS)
381
00:18:09,556 --> 00:18:11,386
We aren't mad at you,
buddy, just come home.
382
00:18:13,426 --> 00:18:14,656
Paco, say
something.
383
00:18:16,663 --> 00:18:17,663
(DIAL TONE SOUNDS)
384
00:18:18,965 --> 00:18:22,265
(SOBBING)
385
00:18:22,869 --> 00:18:25,409
(CRYING)
386
00:18:25,472 --> 00:18:27,172
I thought she could
handle it, man.
387
00:18:27,240 --> 00:18:29,480
I guess I pushed
her too far.
388
00:18:29,542 --> 00:18:32,352
I thought she could
handle this shit!
389
00:18:33,213 --> 00:18:34,513
Paco, Paco.
390
00:18:37,350 --> 00:18:38,520
You're right.
391
00:18:38,585 --> 00:18:40,145
You're right,
we gotta bury her.
392
00:18:41,921 --> 00:18:43,861
Sorry.
393
00:18:43,923 --> 00:18:48,303
(SOBBING) Sorry.
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
394
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:54,969
(GRUNTING)
395
00:18:55,034 --> 00:18:58,244
(SQUAWKS)
Shut the fuck up!
396
00:19:02,175 --> 00:19:04,275
(SQUAWKS)
Look,
397
00:19:05,278 --> 00:19:06,478
this right here
398
00:19:07,547 --> 00:19:09,617
is going to be
our little secret, man.
399
00:19:09,682 --> 00:19:10,952
Right?
400
00:19:11,017 --> 00:19:12,887
We're bonded now!
401
00:19:12,952 --> 00:19:14,452
We're brothers!
402
00:19:14,521 --> 00:19:15,961
It's just
you and me.
403
00:19:16,022 --> 00:19:17,422
Paco, Paco.
404
00:19:20,260 --> 00:19:22,860
Let's go put this
bitch in the ground.
405
00:19:38,278 --> 00:19:39,908
I fucked up.
406
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:43,424
But I'm a
good person.
407
00:19:48,154 --> 00:19:50,224
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
408
00:20:03,636 --> 00:20:05,766
I hate that
fucking song!
409
00:20:05,838 --> 00:20:06,868
(SCREECHES)
410
00:20:06,939 --> 00:20:08,039
Ah! What
the fuck?
411
00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,437
What the fuck
are you doing?
412
00:20:09,509 --> 00:20:10,679
Are you
fucking nuts?
413
00:20:10,743 --> 00:20:11,943
Ah!
414
00:20:13,780 --> 00:20:15,320
You fucker...
415
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,812
* I have seen things
416
00:20:45,177 --> 00:20:49,777
* Things I just choose
not to talk about
417
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:55,724
* Things that only
seem to frighten
418
00:20:55,788 --> 00:20:59,728
* And offend
most everybody
419
00:20:59,792 --> 00:21:04,362
* Welcome to my study *
420
00:21:10,703 --> 00:21:12,573
Hello
421
00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:14,439
and welcome
to my study.
422
00:21:16,776 --> 00:21:18,806
My name
is Mitchell.
423
00:21:21,047 --> 00:21:22,347
You're always
welcome to enjoy
424
00:21:22,415 --> 00:21:25,175
the things
that I've found.
425
00:21:25,251 --> 00:21:28,121
I'm lonely, and
I collect things.
426
00:21:28,187 --> 00:21:31,417
Well, let's see
what I've found
inside my study drawers.
427
00:21:34,961 --> 00:21:36,631
It's a
mitten.
428
00:21:38,097 --> 00:21:39,427
Brr, it's
cold outside,
429
00:21:39,499 --> 00:21:41,469
put your mittens on,
put them on your hands.
430
00:21:42,802 --> 00:21:43,802
Put them on...
431
00:21:48,408 --> 00:21:51,408
So what else is inside
my study drawers?
432
00:21:55,782 --> 00:21:57,522
It's bolts.
433
00:21:59,051 --> 00:22:01,091
You can't bolt
me down, I'm a man.
434
00:22:04,056 --> 00:22:06,856
So what else is inside
my study drawers?
435
00:22:14,367 --> 00:22:16,037
It's a few
peppermints.
436
00:22:22,241 --> 00:22:24,911
If God could
grant me one wish
437
00:22:24,977 --> 00:22:26,807
it would be to spend
more time with you.
438
00:22:28,014 --> 00:22:30,754
* I have seen things
439
00:22:33,252 --> 00:22:37,792
* Things I just choose
not to talk about
440
00:22:39,726 --> 00:22:43,756
* Things that only
seem to frighten
441
00:22:43,830 --> 00:22:47,670
* And offend
most everybody
442
00:22:47,734 --> 00:22:51,944
* Welcome to
my study *
443
00:23:08,721 --> 00:23:11,321
Hey, that was fun.
444
00:23:11,390 --> 00:23:12,630
We made
some shit,
445
00:23:13,893 --> 00:23:15,133
you watched
some shit...
446
00:23:16,896 --> 00:23:18,096
Mmm.
447
00:23:18,898 --> 00:23:19,998
Fun shit.
31463
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