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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:07,741 --> 00:00:10,781 [*] 2 00:00:10,878 --> 00:00:12,508 Oh, hells yeah! 3 00:00:12,613 --> 00:00:17,053 MAN 1: Party! MAN 2: Yeah, T-shirt! 4 00:00:17,151 --> 00:00:18,851 And to prove there's no smoke and mirrors, 5 00:00:18,952 --> 00:00:20,392 let's try it again with my penis. 6 00:00:20,488 --> 00:00:23,058 I didn't take my pants off or anything did I? 7 00:00:23,157 --> 00:00:25,027 Whipped! Whipped! 8 00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:26,126 [IMITATES WHIP] 9 00:00:26,227 --> 00:00:28,527 Oh, shit, look at that. 10 00:00:28,629 --> 00:00:30,259 Oh! 11 00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:33,434 N-- No, no, no. Oh, yeah. Pow! 12 00:00:33,534 --> 00:00:35,374 Oh, good night! 13 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,581 [*] 14 00:00:56,757 --> 00:00:59,587 What you're about to see is nothing short of a miracle. 15 00:00:59,693 --> 00:01:02,503 Television so revolutionary that at this point in time 16 00:01:02,596 --> 00:01:05,296 there is nothing else like it anywhere. 17 00:01:05,399 --> 00:01:09,839 Now, you may ask yourself how is this possible? 18 00:01:09,937 --> 00:01:11,837 Computers, that's how. 19 00:01:11,939 --> 00:01:14,709 Funny or Die is at the forefront of computer technology. 20 00:01:14,808 --> 00:01:17,608 Leading the way in computer comedy programming. 21 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,781 Tonight marks a departure from our usual business model 22 00:01:20,881 --> 00:01:25,191 as we join the ever-declining world of broadcast television. 23 00:01:25,286 --> 00:01:27,556 Think of what you're about to see as a kind of 24 00:01:27,655 --> 00:01:29,385 network onto itself. 25 00:01:29,490 --> 00:01:31,790 A half-hour network complete with its own line up 26 00:01:31,892 --> 00:01:33,532 of wonderful shows. 27 00:01:33,627 --> 00:01:35,997 Basically, the same kind of horseshit 28 00:01:36,096 --> 00:01:37,496 we throw up on the website. 29 00:01:37,598 --> 00:01:41,298 HBO has graciously given us a home, 30 00:01:41,402 --> 00:01:45,242 which means from time to time you may hear the word fuck. 31 00:01:45,339 --> 00:01:48,109 I don't know why, maybe because as a society 32 00:01:48,209 --> 00:01:50,509 we've lost our moral compass. 33 00:01:50,611 --> 00:01:52,711 At any rate, I hope a few dirty words won't stop you 34 00:01:52,813 --> 00:01:54,183 from watching tonight's program. 35 00:01:54,282 --> 00:01:56,922 There's even a chance, quite small of course, 36 00:01:57,017 --> 00:02:00,117 that you may like it. 37 00:02:01,789 --> 00:02:04,859 [*] 38 00:02:26,414 --> 00:02:29,954 FEMALE ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on the Funny or Die network, 39 00:02:30,050 --> 00:02:34,560 a sketch show from Derek Waters, Playground Politics. 40 00:02:34,655 --> 00:02:37,785 The first installment of Designated Driver 41 00:02:37,891 --> 00:02:39,961 with Rob Riggle and Paul Shear. 42 00:02:40,060 --> 00:02:42,800 And Space Baby. 43 00:02:43,997 --> 00:02:46,367 [HEARTBEAT] 44 00:02:47,868 --> 00:02:49,698 TOMMY: You feeling it yet? 45 00:02:49,803 --> 00:02:51,273 Yeah. 46 00:02:51,372 --> 00:02:54,382 It just kicked in. 47 00:02:54,475 --> 00:02:57,035 Ecstasy is the best. 48 00:02:57,144 --> 00:02:59,954 Get ready to love to everything. 49 00:03:00,047 --> 00:03:01,177 Really? 50 00:03:01,282 --> 00:03:03,822 Yeah. [DOORBELL RINGS] 51 00:03:05,152 --> 00:03:07,222 Hey, sweetheart. 52 00:03:07,321 --> 00:03:11,291 I'm not in love with you anymore. 53 00:03:11,392 --> 00:03:14,962 I'm sorry, buddy. Are you okay? 54 00:03:15,062 --> 00:03:16,962 Yeah, I am. 55 00:03:17,064 --> 00:03:19,034 Is that weird? No. 56 00:03:19,132 --> 00:03:21,102 It means it's working. 57 00:03:21,201 --> 00:03:22,871 Awesome. 58 00:03:22,970 --> 00:03:24,910 Let's go to the planetarium. 59 00:03:25,005 --> 00:03:26,405 Yeah. 60 00:03:26,507 --> 00:03:28,607 [*] 61 00:03:33,046 --> 00:03:34,946 Oh! 62 00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:36,678 How you feeling now? 63 00:03:36,784 --> 00:03:37,954 Kinda horny! 64 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:40,121 [SCREAMING] 65 00:03:40,220 --> 00:03:42,560 [BUZZING] 66 00:03:50,598 --> 00:03:52,828 Hey, how are you feeling now? 67 00:03:52,933 --> 00:03:54,873 Still feeling good. 68 00:03:54,968 --> 00:03:56,098 You look good. 69 00:03:56,203 --> 00:03:58,513 [*] 70 00:04:04,044 --> 00:04:07,084 Check please. Hmm. 71 00:04:07,180 --> 00:04:08,680 Oh! 72 00:04:08,782 --> 00:04:11,552 [*] 73 00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,531 [*] 74 00:04:34,308 --> 00:04:38,548 Today we're gonna talk about Frederick Douglass. 75 00:04:40,348 --> 00:04:44,488 JEN: The Union was falling apart, the south was seceding, 76 00:04:44,585 --> 00:04:46,415 it was a very young country. 77 00:04:46,520 --> 00:04:48,760 Frederick Douglass was an abolitionist. 78 00:04:48,856 --> 00:04:52,356 And he believed it is morally wrong to have slavery. 79 00:04:52,460 --> 00:04:54,500 And people were like, "Hey, Lincoln, 80 00:04:54,595 --> 00:04:57,225 this guy's talking a good game you should meet with him." 81 00:04:57,331 --> 00:04:59,201 And Lincoln wasn't a douche bag. 82 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:04,299 He's like, "Okay, I'll meet with him." 83 00:05:04,405 --> 00:05:07,875 Frederick Douglass comes to the White House. 84 00:05:07,975 --> 00:05:10,375 Senator Pomeroy was like, 85 00:05:10,478 --> 00:05:12,778 "Duh-duh-duh, Abraham Lincoln, 86 00:05:12,880 --> 00:05:16,150 "let me introduce you to Frederick Douglass, 87 00:05:16,249 --> 00:05:18,549 "a black former slave, 88 00:05:18,652 --> 00:05:22,322 "a good black man who has some speeches. 89 00:05:22,423 --> 00:05:24,063 "He would like to talk to you. 90 00:05:24,157 --> 00:05:27,457 "I'm not being prejudice, I just-- Well, he's black. 91 00:05:27,561 --> 00:05:29,031 I'd like to let you know." 92 00:05:31,231 --> 00:05:32,701 And he was asking-- 93 00:05:32,800 --> 00:05:35,300 He was asking Frederick Douglass, 94 00:05:35,403 --> 00:05:37,513 "What do I do about slavery? 95 00:05:37,605 --> 00:05:40,905 What do I do about the black population?" 96 00:05:41,008 --> 00:05:44,038 And Frederick Douglass comes over to him and he's like, 97 00:05:44,144 --> 00:05:46,484 "Whoo, well, okay. 98 00:05:46,580 --> 00:05:49,250 "Abraham Lincoln, I am Frederick Douglass. 99 00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,619 I am a former slave who--" 100 00:05:51,719 --> 00:05:55,089 And he's like, "Shh. I get it. 101 00:05:55,188 --> 00:05:57,158 "I know. I know who you are. 102 00:05:57,257 --> 00:05:58,627 "It's been explained to me, 103 00:05:58,726 --> 00:06:01,126 "I've been following your career forever. 104 00:06:01,228 --> 00:06:04,028 "Be quiet, I'm into it. 105 00:06:04,131 --> 00:06:05,471 And let's talk." 106 00:06:05,566 --> 00:06:08,336 I will do more about him, but I will lay down. 107 00:06:08,436 --> 00:06:10,466 My legs are showing. MAN: Uh-- 108 00:06:10,571 --> 00:06:12,711 I wanted to lose weight before this. 109 00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:16,676 Wait, don't show, it's too white. I wanna lay down 110 00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:18,607 and have a drink. MAN: Do you want a blanket? 111 00:06:18,712 --> 00:06:20,412 No, you know what I'm gonna do? 112 00:06:20,514 --> 00:06:22,254 Frederick Douglass, he's like, 113 00:06:22,349 --> 00:06:24,149 "Guess what Abraham Lincoln, 114 00:06:24,251 --> 00:06:25,751 "I have to tell you three things. 115 00:06:25,853 --> 00:06:28,763 "Blacks should fight in the war. 116 00:06:28,856 --> 00:06:30,286 "Two. 117 00:06:30,390 --> 00:06:32,830 "Black soldiers who do fight in the war, 118 00:06:32,926 --> 00:06:35,696 "should get equal pay as whites. 119 00:06:35,796 --> 00:06:37,196 "Three. 120 00:06:37,297 --> 00:06:41,227 If they're prisoners of war, don't fucking kill them." 121 00:06:41,334 --> 00:06:45,214 And Lincoln's like, "Yeah, I think we can do this. 122 00:06:45,305 --> 00:06:47,535 "But I just wanna let you know 123 00:06:47,641 --> 00:06:51,081 that I'm just into preserving the Union." 124 00:06:51,178 --> 00:06:53,708 But the thing about-- About-- 125 00:06:53,814 --> 00:06:56,024 About-- 126 00:06:56,116 --> 00:06:58,046 About Richard Dreyfuss-- 127 00:06:58,151 --> 00:06:59,391 What is his name? 128 00:06:59,487 --> 00:07:01,487 MAN: Frederick. Frederick Douglass, 129 00:07:01,589 --> 00:07:04,729 I knew it was something similar. 130 00:07:04,825 --> 00:07:07,185 The thing about Frederick Douglass, 131 00:07:07,294 --> 00:07:09,134 they were good friends. 132 00:07:09,229 --> 00:07:13,199 And he-- And Frederick Douglass remained an advisor 133 00:07:13,300 --> 00:07:17,740 to President Clinton for years. 134 00:07:17,838 --> 00:07:20,668 And word gets back to him, like... 135 00:07:21,609 --> 00:07:23,739 "Abraham Lincoln is dead." 136 00:07:23,844 --> 00:07:25,754 [*] 137 00:07:27,147 --> 00:07:28,547 Why do I feel like my-- 138 00:07:28,649 --> 00:07:30,279 I didn't take my pants off or anything, did I? 139 00:07:30,383 --> 00:07:31,623 No. 140 00:07:31,719 --> 00:07:35,259 'Cause I feel like I don't have pants on. 141 00:07:35,355 --> 00:07:36,655 Oh! 'Cause I'm in a dress. 142 00:07:36,757 --> 00:07:38,427 But there was a moment when I took my pants off. 143 00:07:38,526 --> 00:07:39,986 Okay, good. 144 00:07:40,093 --> 00:07:43,163 A couple years later, they're in Washington D.C., 145 00:07:43,263 --> 00:07:44,633 and they're like, "All right. 146 00:07:44,732 --> 00:07:48,102 It's the Lincoln Emancipation Memorial." 147 00:07:48,201 --> 00:07:50,601 And then someone says: "Hey, Frederick Douglass 148 00:07:50,704 --> 00:07:52,114 is in the audience, he should speak." 149 00:07:52,205 --> 00:07:56,375 He's an orator, I mean this is his livelihood. 150 00:07:56,476 --> 00:07:59,476 And he gets up, so he did that for awhile, 151 00:07:59,580 --> 00:08:00,750 and he did a good job. 152 00:08:00,848 --> 00:08:04,048 Then I-- Would go on and do a good job-- 153 00:08:04,151 --> 00:08:05,451 [MAN LAUGHING] 154 00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:08,493 Wait, and that is different than that. 155 00:08:08,589 --> 00:08:12,689 He says, "I gotta be honest with you guys, 156 00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:16,963 Abraham Lincoln is a white man's president." 157 00:08:17,064 --> 00:08:20,274 Mary Todd Lincoln, Abraham's wife, is there. 158 00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,567 And she was there when he got 159 00:08:21,669 --> 00:08:23,169 his head blown off in the theater. 160 00:08:23,270 --> 00:08:24,940 So she's a badass. 161 00:08:25,038 --> 00:08:27,138 But it doesn't mean she's immune to feelings. 162 00:08:27,240 --> 00:08:28,380 She's there. 163 00:08:28,475 --> 00:08:30,475 So he says, 164 00:08:30,578 --> 00:08:33,208 "We had different views on slavery. 165 00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:36,053 "We had different views on the emancipation proclamation. 166 00:08:36,149 --> 00:08:39,749 "We had different views on the war. 167 00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,393 "But he's a great guy 168 00:08:41,488 --> 00:08:43,288 "and I respect him because he listened. 169 00:08:43,390 --> 00:08:47,560 "Even if he knew he couldn't fulfill my wishes, 170 00:08:47,661 --> 00:08:51,301 "he brought me in and he fuckin' listened. 171 00:08:51,398 --> 00:08:52,928 Nobody does that." 172 00:08:53,033 --> 00:08:56,373 Mary Todd Lincoln comes up to him and goes, 173 00:08:56,469 --> 00:09:00,269 "He would have fuckin' loved that. 174 00:09:00,373 --> 00:09:02,643 That is exactly his style." 175 00:09:02,743 --> 00:09:05,213 And she goes, "Douglass, come here. 176 00:09:05,312 --> 00:09:06,982 I have something for you." 177 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:09,720 Oh, now my head is shutting asleep. 178 00:09:09,817 --> 00:09:13,517 Mary Todd said: "I want you to have 179 00:09:13,621 --> 00:09:16,291 "Abe's walking stick. 180 00:09:16,389 --> 00:09:18,789 His favorite walking stick." 181 00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:21,262 That was, like, "Thank you much 182 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,961 "for the walking stick. 183 00:09:23,063 --> 00:09:26,633 "And I'm gonna do my best to preserve the honor of it. 184 00:09:26,734 --> 00:09:29,444 "And I just take it more of a symbol, 185 00:09:29,536 --> 00:09:33,866 as a friendship between you, me, and your husband." 186 00:09:33,974 --> 00:09:36,184 [*] 187 00:09:37,811 --> 00:09:42,551 And then, he died a few months later. 188 00:09:42,650 --> 00:09:45,620 Doing what he loves, sticking up for ladies. 189 00:09:48,889 --> 00:09:51,789 And you can't fault him for that. 190 00:09:53,093 --> 00:09:57,673 Did I need to do a more story about them? 191 00:09:58,331 --> 00:10:00,631 [*] 192 00:10:05,873 --> 00:10:08,013 I have a mental illness. 193 00:10:08,108 --> 00:10:09,308 [MAN CHUCKLES] 194 00:10:09,409 --> 00:10:13,309 But I don't-- He's the father of the civil rights. 195 00:10:13,413 --> 00:10:14,923 I can't believe Derek, man, 196 00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,715 we should be at the Ravens game right now. 197 00:10:16,817 --> 00:10:20,417 This is so pathetic, Samantha's got him so whipped. 198 00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:23,460 Whipped! 199 00:10:23,556 --> 00:10:24,956 Whipped! 200 00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,428 [IMITATES WHIP] 201 00:10:26,526 --> 00:10:28,726 Samantha was the love of my life. 202 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,997 She left us way too soon. 203 00:10:32,099 --> 00:10:34,229 MAN 1: Whipped! MAN 2: Whipped! 204 00:10:34,334 --> 00:10:38,514 We designed this saw to be the safest table saw ever built. 205 00:10:38,605 --> 00:10:41,705 The mechanism is sophisticated but the technology behind it, 206 00:10:41,809 --> 00:10:42,909 it's quite simple. 207 00:10:43,010 --> 00:10:43,740 [BUZZING] 208 00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:45,384 It's the perfect marriage 209 00:10:45,478 --> 00:10:47,678 of modern engineering and good ol' fashioned ingenuity, 210 00:10:47,781 --> 00:10:49,221 which is always reliable. 211 00:10:49,316 --> 00:10:51,146 The blade carries a small electrical charge. 212 00:10:51,251 --> 00:10:53,621 When human contact is made, the body absorbs the current 213 00:10:53,721 --> 00:10:54,961 and triggers a tiny mouse 214 00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,715 living inside the saw's gearbox. 215 00:10:56,824 --> 00:10:58,934 A robotic arm pushes a piece of cheese 216 00:10:59,026 --> 00:11:01,726 in front of the mouse which causes him to run on the wheel. 217 00:11:01,829 --> 00:11:04,329 When the wheel spins it engages the break, 218 00:11:04,431 --> 00:11:06,071 instantly stopping the saw. 219 00:11:06,166 --> 00:11:08,436 So when the wheel is spinning, the safety saw is working. 220 00:11:08,535 --> 00:11:11,395 Let's demonstrate how safe this is. 221 00:11:11,504 --> 00:11:13,444 This is a real hot dog. 222 00:11:17,077 --> 00:11:19,607 As you can see, not a mark on it. 223 00:11:19,713 --> 00:11:21,483 And to prove there's no smoke and mirrors, 224 00:11:21,581 --> 00:11:23,281 let's try it again with my penis. 225 00:11:23,383 --> 00:11:25,693 [BUZZ] 226 00:11:26,486 --> 00:11:28,156 [*] 227 00:11:38,732 --> 00:11:40,872 Ahh! 228 00:11:40,968 --> 00:11:42,668 Oh. 229 00:11:42,770 --> 00:11:44,240 Call the medic! 230 00:11:44,337 --> 00:11:46,607 Ah! 231 00:11:46,706 --> 00:11:49,706 Stop the mouse, he's got my fucking dick! 232 00:11:49,810 --> 00:11:51,850 He thinks it's a hot dog! 233 00:11:51,945 --> 00:11:53,705 Call the fucking medic! 234 00:11:53,814 --> 00:11:57,324 ANNOUNCER: SafetySaw, now $10 off! 235 00:11:57,417 --> 00:11:59,517 [MAN SOBBING] Oh! 236 00:11:59,619 --> 00:12:04,829 * Going on a bender, bender 237 00:12:05,926 --> 00:12:08,096 [KISSING NOISILY] 238 00:12:08,195 --> 00:12:11,925 Oh. Buffet was awesome tonight. 239 00:12:12,032 --> 00:12:13,802 Margaritaville, baby! 240 00:12:13,901 --> 00:12:16,971 Oh, Margaritaville, baby! The greatest night of my life! 241 00:12:17,070 --> 00:12:19,410 Aw, yeah, my wife! My life. 242 00:12:19,506 --> 00:12:21,366 CRAIG: My wife, my life. 243 00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:23,744 ERIC: What's up people, come on it's 5:00 somewhere, 244 00:12:23,844 --> 00:12:25,984 am I right? Polly wanna boner. 245 00:12:26,079 --> 00:12:27,819 [*] 246 00:12:27,915 --> 00:12:30,115 [CHIMING] 247 00:12:30,217 --> 00:12:32,217 Oh, dude, bros. 248 00:12:32,319 --> 00:12:34,519 [*] 249 00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:37,926 ALL: Oh! 250 00:12:40,627 --> 00:12:43,597 Check out the Parrot Head T-shirt rockin' to Buffet, man. 251 00:12:43,696 --> 00:12:45,996 Yeah! That's awesome! 252 00:12:46,099 --> 00:12:48,339 CRAIG: Yeah, baby! 253 00:12:48,435 --> 00:12:49,995 Oh, hells yeah! 254 00:12:50,103 --> 00:12:52,973 JAKE: Dude, you're partying! Yeah, T-shirt. 255 00:12:53,073 --> 00:12:55,083 [GLASS SHATTERS] ALL: Oh! 256 00:12:55,175 --> 00:12:56,775 DEREK: Just like that, baby. 257 00:12:56,877 --> 00:12:59,647 Hey, I wonder if T-shirt likes to party. 258 00:12:59,746 --> 00:13:02,176 MAN: Oh. 259 00:13:02,282 --> 00:13:04,652 [INHALES] 260 00:13:04,751 --> 00:13:07,221 T-shirt likes to fuckin' party! 261 00:13:07,320 --> 00:13:11,190 He says this place is like a sausage factory. 262 00:13:11,291 --> 00:13:13,531 There's plenty of hot chicks at the bar. 263 00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,996 You got it, four titty dick bangers. 264 00:13:16,096 --> 00:13:18,226 Yeah, this-- This dude's getting wasted. 265 00:13:18,331 --> 00:13:22,841 Man, I fucking love T-shirt! Me too. 266 00:13:23,603 --> 00:13:26,543 [*] 267 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,846 You're cute. 268 00:13:31,945 --> 00:13:35,615 Oh, oh, really? 269 00:13:35,715 --> 00:13:36,845 [LAUGHING] 270 00:13:36,950 --> 00:13:38,520 JAKE: T-shirt's got a girlfriend! 271 00:13:38,618 --> 00:13:39,818 Nice! I like! 272 00:13:39,920 --> 00:13:41,350 Wa-wa-wee-wa. 273 00:13:41,454 --> 00:13:43,924 [LAUGHING] You guys, 274 00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:46,264 I'm gonna put on Buffet. Oh, my dream girl. 275 00:13:46,359 --> 00:13:48,129 Oh, yeah. 276 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:49,998 MAN: Sweet. 277 00:13:50,097 --> 00:13:52,827 T-shirt, let's have some shots of Urine Ice. 278 00:13:52,933 --> 00:13:54,403 MAN: Ba-boom! 279 00:13:54,501 --> 00:13:57,171 Dude, let's get those dreadlock hats tomorrow. 280 00:13:57,270 --> 00:13:59,340 Yeah, I cant get enough of it. 281 00:13:59,439 --> 00:14:01,469 MAN: Oh, baby, you're makin' me crazy! 282 00:14:01,574 --> 00:14:04,314 Okay, you guys? 283 00:14:04,411 --> 00:14:05,351 Seriously? 284 00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:07,475 To Parrot Heads. 285 00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:10,420 Oh, yeah, oh, yeah, oh, yeah. 286 00:14:10,517 --> 00:14:13,217 * And coconuts 287 00:14:13,320 --> 00:14:14,960 * You bring the tequila 288 00:14:15,055 --> 00:14:16,815 Raise the roof, motherfuckers. 289 00:14:16,924 --> 00:14:18,864 MAN 1: Another margarita, baby, shwing. 290 00:14:18,959 --> 00:14:19,689 MAN 2: Yeah. 291 00:14:19,792 --> 00:14:20,892 Oh. 292 00:14:20,994 --> 00:14:23,364 Oh, T-shirt. 293 00:14:23,463 --> 00:14:24,973 Where are we going? 294 00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:27,595 Where are we going, whoa! 295 00:14:27,700 --> 00:14:30,070 Whoa. T-shirt, 296 00:14:30,170 --> 00:14:33,640 T-shirt. I feel funny. 297 00:14:36,143 --> 00:14:40,483 Oh, T-shirt. You're gonna be such a good daddy. 298 00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:41,780 Hello? 299 00:14:41,881 --> 00:14:43,081 Uh. 300 00:14:43,183 --> 00:14:45,853 Oh, my God, what the fuck? 301 00:14:45,953 --> 00:14:47,093 [COUGHS] 302 00:14:47,187 --> 00:14:49,087 Wait. What's that, T-shirt? 303 00:14:49,189 --> 00:14:51,419 Your girlfriend's passed out from the smoke? 304 00:14:51,524 --> 00:14:54,234 Good work, T-shirt. Let's get her out of here. Come on! 305 00:14:54,327 --> 00:14:56,927 [*] 306 00:15:08,708 --> 00:15:12,348 T-shirt, because you risked your life to save another, 307 00:15:12,445 --> 00:15:15,045 we're making you an honorary member 308 00:15:15,148 --> 00:15:18,048 of the Margaritaville Fire Dept. 309 00:15:18,151 --> 00:15:20,051 You're the real hero. 310 00:15:20,153 --> 00:15:22,563 ALL: T-shirt! T-shirt! 311 00:15:22,655 --> 00:15:26,085 * Looks like the night Is gonna be one of those days * 312 00:15:26,193 --> 00:15:28,803 DEREK: Tomorrow, Cabo Wabo. 313 00:15:28,895 --> 00:15:30,195 I'm bored. 314 00:15:30,297 --> 00:15:32,367 Me too. I'm sick of all my toys. 315 00:15:32,465 --> 00:15:34,295 ANNOUNCER: Why don't you trying playing 316 00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:35,941 with Mattel's Prius racing set!? 317 00:15:36,036 --> 00:15:37,396 Awesome! Cool! 318 00:15:37,504 --> 00:15:39,174 ANNOUNCER: With over 16 feet of track 319 00:15:39,272 --> 00:15:41,982 and two responsible hybrids! Go! 320 00:15:42,075 --> 00:15:43,305 Who needs the deafening roar 321 00:15:43,410 --> 00:15:44,840 of a nitro burning racing engine 322 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,284 when you can have the polite hum 323 00:15:46,379 --> 00:15:48,849 of a regenerative electric drive-train? 324 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,478 * Zero emissions 325 00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:55,124 I'm getting 62 miles per gallon! Awesome! 326 00:15:55,222 --> 00:15:57,962 * It's a positive investment In a greener tomorrow * 327 00:15:58,058 --> 00:16:01,188 ANNOUNCER: Between each lap remember to pull over and recharge your car 328 00:16:01,294 --> 00:16:04,204 so you can finish the race. 329 00:16:04,297 --> 00:16:06,597 The track is completely biodegradable! 330 00:16:06,699 --> 00:16:08,169 Awesome! 331 00:16:08,268 --> 00:16:11,498 * Reducing our reliance On foreign oil * 332 00:16:13,106 --> 00:16:15,506 No carbon footprint! 333 00:16:15,608 --> 00:16:18,948 I'm having fun, and I feel good about myself. 334 00:16:19,046 --> 00:16:20,546 Whoo! ANNOUNCER: Fully charged 335 00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,547 You're back in the race. Before you take on the loop, 336 00:16:22,649 --> 00:16:24,819 you need to recharge one more time. 337 00:16:24,917 --> 00:16:30,117 * You're playin' green For your children's future * 338 00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:34,793 * Hybrid power 339 00:16:34,894 --> 00:16:37,564 [*] 340 00:16:44,971 --> 00:16:47,471 [*] 341 00:16:50,510 --> 00:16:53,710 [*] 342 00:16:57,817 --> 00:16:59,047 [*] 343 00:16:59,152 --> 00:17:02,492 KID [YELLING]: 344 00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:07,927 America, I'm hungry. 345 00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:09,097 Sorry to hear it. 346 00:17:09,196 --> 00:17:10,896 Can we have some food? 347 00:17:10,997 --> 00:17:13,067 Not for free you can't. You have any, uh, 348 00:17:13,166 --> 00:17:15,336 natural resources we might be interested in? 349 00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:18,965 What's a natural resource? Like trees and grass? 350 00:17:19,072 --> 00:17:21,012 No, like, uh, gold, diamonds, oil. 351 00:17:21,108 --> 00:17:23,978 Oh, yeah. Tons of it. 352 00:17:24,077 --> 00:17:26,777 IMF, get over here! 353 00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:28,179 What can I do you you? 354 00:17:28,281 --> 00:17:30,521 Africa, this is the International Monetary Fund. 355 00:17:30,617 --> 00:17:32,747 They're gonna give you tons of food and money. 356 00:17:32,852 --> 00:17:34,692 Hi. 357 00:17:34,787 --> 00:17:36,317 You guys are so nice. 358 00:17:36,423 --> 00:17:38,463 When do you want us to pay you back? 359 00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:42,198 Honestly, your interest is gonna be more than your GDP. 360 00:17:42,295 --> 00:17:45,125 So you're never really going to be able to pay it back. 361 00:17:45,232 --> 00:17:48,872 America, thank you for this food. 362 00:17:48,968 --> 00:17:50,338 Tell you what. 363 00:17:50,437 --> 00:17:54,607 If you have any companies that want our resources, 364 00:17:54,707 --> 00:17:56,007 we'd love to have them. 365 00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,079 AMERICA: Sweet. 366 00:17:57,177 --> 00:17:58,677 Exxon, DeBeers and Newmont 367 00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:01,548 are already on their way. 368 00:18:01,648 --> 00:18:03,118 I love this candy. 369 00:18:03,216 --> 00:18:05,286 [LOUD THUD] 370 00:18:06,519 --> 00:18:09,459 [*] 371 00:18:19,199 --> 00:18:21,429 [BELL DINGS] 372 00:18:24,036 --> 00:18:26,606 [GUNS COCK] 373 00:18:28,575 --> 00:18:30,735 [TAPE REWINDING] 374 00:18:30,843 --> 00:18:32,513 [TIRES SQUEALING] 375 00:18:34,847 --> 00:18:36,847 [*] 376 00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,822 [WATER FLOWING] 377 00:18:44,924 --> 00:18:47,734 [*] 378 00:18:52,199 --> 00:18:53,869 [SIGHS] 379 00:18:53,966 --> 00:18:57,666 [PHONE RINGING] 380 00:19:01,073 --> 00:19:02,513 [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS] 381 00:19:02,609 --> 00:19:04,639 MAN [OVER THE PHONE]: Pick up the goddamn phone! 382 00:19:04,744 --> 00:19:08,624 Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up! 383 00:19:08,715 --> 00:19:12,185 Pick up! Come on, man, pick up, pick up! 384 00:19:12,285 --> 00:19:14,645 Pick up! Pick up! 385 00:19:14,754 --> 00:19:16,664 Pick up, pick up! 386 00:19:16,756 --> 00:19:18,356 Pick up! 387 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,658 Hey! What's going on? I just, uh, I just walked in. 388 00:19:20,760 --> 00:19:22,130 Ah, bullshit! 389 00:19:22,229 --> 00:19:24,029 You're probably takin' one of your fag baths. 390 00:19:24,130 --> 00:19:25,370 No. I was out. 391 00:19:25,465 --> 00:19:27,225 Whatever, dude, you're pathetic man. 392 00:19:27,334 --> 00:19:30,274 It's, like, 9:30. 393 00:19:30,370 --> 00:19:32,310 Fuck you, Eddie! 394 00:19:32,405 --> 00:19:35,775 Ha, ha, ha. Man, I am fucking drunk! 395 00:19:35,875 --> 00:19:37,435 You gotta come pick my ass up. 396 00:19:37,544 --> 00:19:39,984 Why can't you just call a cab? Fuck that, dude, come on! 397 00:19:40,079 --> 00:19:42,619 Besides, you don't have a choice in the matter, all right? 398 00:19:42,715 --> 00:19:45,215 You gotta pick me up, man, if I call you it's like the law. 399 00:19:45,318 --> 00:19:47,318 You gotta be my designated driver. 400 00:19:47,420 --> 00:19:49,390 Give me a couple minutes, I have to get clothes-- 401 00:19:49,489 --> 00:19:53,429 Oh! Shit! I knew it. You bath-taking motherfucker! 402 00:19:53,526 --> 00:19:55,156 How clean can one man be? 403 00:19:55,262 --> 00:19:57,262 Jesus Christ, you probably got a bar of soap 404 00:19:57,364 --> 00:19:59,234 wedged up your fuckin' asshole right now anyway. 405 00:19:59,332 --> 00:20:00,672 All right. 406 00:20:00,767 --> 00:20:02,127 Take your ball sack and get down here, 407 00:20:02,235 --> 00:20:03,935 and pick me up at Tap Master! 408 00:20:04,036 --> 00:20:05,166 Okay, good talkin' to you. I'll-- 409 00:20:05,272 --> 00:20:09,082 Tap Masters! [PHONE BEEPS] 410 00:20:09,175 --> 00:20:11,705 Oh, Shit! Whoa. 411 00:20:11,811 --> 00:20:14,711 Okay, I guess we're takin' it up a notch, huh? 412 00:20:14,814 --> 00:20:17,684 [*] 413 00:20:24,123 --> 00:20:25,993 Hey, Matilda. 414 00:20:26,092 --> 00:20:27,192 Are you thirsty? 415 00:20:27,294 --> 00:20:29,064 I know, a little late night drink. 416 00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:31,031 Be good, okay? 417 00:20:31,130 --> 00:20:32,730 [BEEPS] 418 00:20:32,832 --> 00:20:35,842 [ENGINE STARTS] 419 00:20:35,935 --> 00:20:38,705 RADIO HOST: I welcome the debate, on single-payer health care. 420 00:20:38,805 --> 00:20:40,735 Because privatized health care is killing people. 421 00:20:40,840 --> 00:20:43,510 Your files are being opened. Tell me about it. 422 00:20:43,610 --> 00:20:45,710 They sure as hell gonna find some obscure event that-- 423 00:20:45,812 --> 00:20:47,452 [THUD] 424 00:20:47,547 --> 00:20:49,717 [GLASS CRASHES] Shit! 425 00:20:49,816 --> 00:20:51,246 Hey! I stole 'em! 426 00:20:51,351 --> 00:20:52,421 I fuckin' stole 'em, man! 427 00:20:52,519 --> 00:20:54,189 Oh. Hey, what's going on--? 428 00:20:54,287 --> 00:20:56,117 Go! Go, motherfucker, go! 429 00:20:56,222 --> 00:20:57,622 All right. 430 00:20:57,724 --> 00:20:59,564 [CROWD CLAMORING] 431 00:20:59,659 --> 00:21:02,829 Go! Shit, go, go, motherfucker, go. 432 00:21:02,929 --> 00:21:04,629 [TIRES SQUEALING] 433 00:21:07,400 --> 00:21:09,040 [LAUGHING, SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY] 434 00:21:09,135 --> 00:21:11,035 All right, all right. Okay. Yeah! 435 00:21:11,137 --> 00:21:12,537 Whoo! Okay, all right. 436 00:21:12,639 --> 00:21:15,479 Whoa, shit, I almost died in there, dude! 437 00:21:15,575 --> 00:21:17,175 That was crazy. Whoo! 438 00:21:17,276 --> 00:21:18,976 Hey, what the fuck are we listening to? 439 00:21:19,078 --> 00:21:20,878 Oh, uh, her name is Leslie Stubbs. 440 00:21:20,980 --> 00:21:23,780 And she takes calls. It's like a liberal kind of a talk show. 441 00:21:23,883 --> 00:21:25,453 Oh, God. 442 00:21:25,552 --> 00:21:27,022 [BEEPS] I guess, yeah, it was get-- 443 00:21:27,119 --> 00:21:29,659 There we go, now listen to that! That's a party song! 444 00:21:29,756 --> 00:21:31,956 Yeah. All right. That's what I'm talkin' about. 445 00:21:32,058 --> 00:21:34,288 Right there, yeah. 446 00:21:34,394 --> 00:21:37,264 Somebody's getting laid tonight! 447 00:21:37,364 --> 00:21:40,204 Classic rock, right? Oh, oh! 448 00:21:40,299 --> 00:21:42,099 I almost threw up. 449 00:21:42,201 --> 00:21:44,871 I just-- I don't normally have people smoke in my car. 450 00:21:44,971 --> 00:21:46,341 You know what we ought to do? 451 00:21:46,439 --> 00:21:49,009 Let's go get some groceries, and we'll cook up some food, 452 00:21:49,108 --> 00:21:53,178 and we'll get some girls to come over. We'll make 'em burritos. 453 00:21:53,279 --> 00:21:55,049 You know what I mean? 454 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:56,477 No, I don't. 455 00:21:56,583 --> 00:21:58,893 My dick's hard when I sleep. I sleep with a boner. 456 00:21:58,985 --> 00:22:01,085 And I'm ready to go. Someone could jump on me, 457 00:22:01,187 --> 00:22:02,517 fuck me, probably not even wake me up. 458 00:22:02,622 --> 00:22:04,422 Oh! Fuck, donuts, right there. 459 00:22:04,524 --> 00:22:06,494 Donuts, Barry, Barry, pull over. Uh-- 460 00:22:06,593 --> 00:22:08,803 Pull over, I want donuts. Not gonna stop for donuts. 461 00:22:08,895 --> 00:22:10,355 Jesus Christ, Barry! 462 00:22:10,463 --> 00:22:12,573 I'm weak with hunger, you son of a bitch! 463 00:22:12,665 --> 00:22:14,895 Goddamn it, just pull around, 464 00:22:15,001 --> 00:22:17,841 do me a favor one time in your life! One time. 465 00:22:17,937 --> 00:22:20,867 Do me a favor and shoot a hot fucking U-ie. 466 00:22:22,809 --> 00:22:24,979 Are you sure you don't want anything? 467 00:22:25,077 --> 00:22:26,577 Yeah, just-- Just hurry up. 468 00:22:26,679 --> 00:22:28,279 Well, can you loan me five bucks, man? 469 00:22:28,381 --> 00:22:29,521 I need some money. 470 00:22:29,616 --> 00:22:32,816 [BELL DINGS] Well, well, well. 471 00:22:32,919 --> 00:22:34,689 Mm, what kind of donuts do we have 472 00:22:34,787 --> 00:22:36,717 in this fine establishment this evening? 473 00:22:36,823 --> 00:22:37,963 Huh? 474 00:22:38,057 --> 00:22:39,287 [LAUGHING] 475 00:22:39,392 --> 00:22:42,332 How about a jelly fill, right there? 476 00:22:42,429 --> 00:22:45,799 And give me another jelly fill. 477 00:22:45,898 --> 00:22:48,438 And...fuck it. 478 00:22:48,535 --> 00:22:50,295 Throw a bear claw in there too. 479 00:22:50,403 --> 00:22:51,643 Can I just get a refill. 480 00:22:51,738 --> 00:22:54,268 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hold the phone. 481 00:22:54,373 --> 00:22:56,143 I'm sorry? You heard me, Mountain. 482 00:22:56,242 --> 00:22:58,282 There's a fucking line here. 483 00:22:58,377 --> 00:22:59,707 BIKER: Calm down. 484 00:22:59,812 --> 00:23:01,552 Just want a refill. I don't want any trouble. 485 00:23:01,648 --> 00:23:03,818 Whoa, hey, I'm calm. You're the maniac 486 00:23:03,916 --> 00:23:05,746 who's comin' at me all sideways bein', like, 487 00:23:05,852 --> 00:23:07,492 I'm gonna kill you motherfucker. 488 00:23:07,587 --> 00:23:10,157 Look, I just got out of the joint. 489 00:23:10,256 --> 00:23:11,586 I'm trying to turn my life around. 490 00:23:11,691 --> 00:23:13,661 The Lord has shown me another way. 491 00:23:13,760 --> 00:23:16,700 I don't drink, I don't smoke, and I don't curse. 492 00:23:16,796 --> 00:23:18,396 And I don't want any trouble. 493 00:23:18,498 --> 00:23:20,828 Well, that's too bad, Green Mile, 494 00:23:20,933 --> 00:23:23,203 'cause those are four of my favorite things. 495 00:23:23,302 --> 00:23:25,202 Oh, shit, look at that. 496 00:23:25,304 --> 00:23:27,144 Oh! 497 00:23:27,239 --> 00:23:28,209 No, no, no. Oh, yeah! 498 00:23:28,307 --> 00:23:30,707 Pow! 499 00:23:30,810 --> 00:23:32,180 Good night. 500 00:23:32,278 --> 00:23:34,008 Good night, sweet prince! 501 00:23:34,113 --> 00:23:36,923 Ha, ha, ha. Whoo! 502 00:23:37,016 --> 00:23:38,986 Oh, yeah! 503 00:23:39,085 --> 00:23:40,315 Give me this. 504 00:23:40,419 --> 00:23:44,159 Ooh, donut mind if I do. 505 00:23:44,256 --> 00:23:46,156 Ha, ha, ha. Laugh, it's funny! 506 00:23:46,258 --> 00:23:47,528 Hey, big man? 507 00:23:47,627 --> 00:23:49,827 Donut mind if I do! 508 00:23:49,929 --> 00:23:51,199 [LAUGHING] 509 00:23:51,297 --> 00:23:53,127 Oh-- What did you just do? 510 00:23:53,232 --> 00:23:54,332 You just killed a guy! 511 00:23:54,433 --> 00:23:56,073 Oh, he'll live. 512 00:23:56,168 --> 00:23:58,398 Him and his anti-Semitic mouth. 513 00:23:58,505 --> 00:24:00,705 Guy was talking about the Lord, you know? 514 00:24:00,807 --> 00:24:02,037 And I know you're a Jew-- 515 00:24:02,141 --> 00:24:03,281 I'm not Jewish. 516 00:24:03,375 --> 00:24:04,535 Shit, dude, he's getting up. 517 00:24:04,644 --> 00:24:07,254 He's gonna kick your ass. What? No way! 518 00:24:07,346 --> 00:24:08,946 I'm serious, he's gonna kick your ass. 519 00:24:09,048 --> 00:24:11,978 Go, go. Man, go, go! 520 00:24:12,084 --> 00:24:13,694 Jesus, man, go, go! 521 00:24:13,786 --> 00:24:15,856 Drive, motherfucker. Don't yell at me. 522 00:24:15,955 --> 00:24:18,455 When I was in there, I smacked the dispenser 523 00:24:18,558 --> 00:24:21,928 on his head and I was like, "Donut mind if I do." 524 00:24:22,028 --> 00:24:24,458 Donut mind if I do! 525 00:24:25,131 --> 00:24:28,201 Oh, God! Ahh! 526 00:24:28,300 --> 00:24:30,240 Oh, chill out. Chill out. 527 00:24:30,336 --> 00:24:32,196 He just shot my donut. Fuck! 528 00:24:32,304 --> 00:24:33,814 [TIRES SQUEALING] 529 00:24:33,906 --> 00:24:36,736 [*] 530 00:24:39,078 --> 00:24:41,108 [*] 531 00:24:44,083 --> 00:24:47,823 [*] 532 00:24:50,757 --> 00:24:54,327 [*] You will give us the formula. 533 00:24:54,426 --> 00:24:57,296 Never. Space Baby will save me. 534 00:24:57,396 --> 00:24:59,126 Oh, I'm afraid not, professor. 535 00:24:59,231 --> 00:25:04,001 There is no way Space Baby will get in here. 536 00:25:05,237 --> 00:25:08,167 * Space Baby 537 00:25:08,274 --> 00:25:11,314 MAN: All we know about Space Baby is that she's from Earth. 538 00:25:11,410 --> 00:25:13,910 And she travels the galaxies looking for a one-eyed man, 539 00:25:14,013 --> 00:25:15,653 who has a briefcase handcuffed to his arm. 540 00:25:15,748 --> 00:25:18,148 And as she travels from planet to planet, 541 00:25:18,250 --> 00:25:20,550 she rights wrongs and helps the oppressed. 542 00:25:20,653 --> 00:25:22,323 * So-- 543 00:25:22,421 --> 00:25:24,591 * If you're in the black hole 544 00:25:24,691 --> 00:25:27,561 * There's only one name You need to know * 545 00:25:27,660 --> 00:25:30,060 * Space Baby 546 00:25:30,162 --> 00:25:31,162 Space Baby, 547 00:25:31,263 --> 00:25:32,773 the Jupiterians just kidnapped 548 00:25:32,865 --> 00:25:34,825 America's best space scientist. 549 00:25:34,934 --> 00:25:38,044 [BABBLING] 550 00:25:38,137 --> 00:25:41,707 They'll be expecting you, so you must be extra careful. 551 00:25:43,743 --> 00:25:46,353 We've tapped into their security cameras. 552 00:25:46,445 --> 00:25:47,645 [BEEPS] 553 00:25:47,747 --> 00:25:49,747 There's a guard in the other room. 554 00:25:49,849 --> 00:25:51,779 You must get past him. 555 00:25:54,320 --> 00:25:56,420 MAN: Uh, oh, uh, oh. 556 00:25:56,522 --> 00:25:58,292 Eh, ow. 557 00:25:58,390 --> 00:26:02,600 [GIGGLES] 558 00:26:03,696 --> 00:26:05,596 Space Baby! How did you get in here? 559 00:26:05,698 --> 00:26:08,198 PROFESSOR: Space Baby! 560 00:26:08,300 --> 00:26:10,340 The gun! 561 00:26:14,506 --> 00:26:17,176 Space Baby. A little help. 562 00:26:17,276 --> 00:26:20,106 Yay! 563 00:26:21,380 --> 00:26:23,420 Boo. 564 00:26:23,515 --> 00:26:25,375 [LAUGHING] 565 00:26:25,484 --> 00:26:27,324 Thank you Space Baby, you saved me. 566 00:26:27,419 --> 00:26:28,689 How do we get out of here? 567 00:26:28,788 --> 00:26:30,118 [BABBLE] That way? 568 00:26:30,222 --> 00:26:33,092 Fine, go ahead, I'll follow you. [GIGGLES] 569 00:26:34,293 --> 00:26:36,103 Good work, Space Baby. 570 00:26:36,195 --> 00:26:37,495 You saved the professor. 571 00:26:37,596 --> 00:26:39,666 Now drop him off at the Space Station. 572 00:26:39,766 --> 00:26:41,526 I appreciate you saving me and all, 573 00:26:41,634 --> 00:26:43,744 but this is blastedly uncomfortable. 574 00:26:43,836 --> 00:26:47,436 ANNOUNCER: This has been another episode of Space Baby. 575 00:26:47,539 --> 00:26:49,779 [*] 576 00:26:57,049 --> 00:26:59,349 [CLEARS THROAT] 577 00:26:59,451 --> 00:27:01,991 Thank you for tuning in tonight. 578 00:27:02,088 --> 00:27:03,018 I'm Ed Haligan. 579 00:27:03,122 --> 00:27:06,132 And I will see you on the internet. 580 00:27:06,225 --> 00:27:08,825 Whatever the fuck that is. 581 00:27:10,697 --> 00:27:13,697 [ELECTRONIC BUZZING] 582 00:27:14,934 --> 00:27:17,144 *] 583 00:27:20,539 --> 00:27:22,409 [*] 40120

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