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1
00:00:07,841 --> 00:00:10,801
[upbeat music]
2
00:00:10,844 --> 00:00:12,724
* *
3
00:00:12,762 --> 00:00:14,142
- Hell of a morning, team.
4
00:00:14,180 --> 00:00:15,560
- Hell of a morning, sir.
- Good morning.
5
00:00:15,598 --> 00:00:17,888
- Status report, Beans.
What's the word on the web?
6
00:00:17,934 --> 00:00:19,774
- Trolls are fighting people
on Chit Chat,
7
00:00:19,811 --> 00:00:21,521
but I'm banning them
as fast as I can.
8
00:00:21,563 --> 00:00:23,233
- There are no trolls
in hell, Beans.
9
00:00:23,273 --> 00:00:24,823
- No, I mean--
- This isn't some kind
10
00:00:24,858 --> 00:00:27,778
of fairy-tale land
of goblins and dragons.
11
00:00:27,819 --> 00:00:29,899
- There's no trolls
in hell, Beans.
12
00:00:29,946 --> 00:00:31,526
- Okay, when I said trolls,
I meant--
13
00:00:31,573 --> 00:00:32,823
- Demons, yes.
14
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,576
Fantastical creatures
beyond imagining?
15
00:00:34,617 --> 00:00:36,617
Sure.
But come on, trolls?
16
00:00:36,661 --> 00:00:38,751
Don't be stupid.
- Actually, sir,
17
00:00:38,788 --> 00:00:41,878
trolls are hell's
17th-largest ethnic group.
18
00:00:41,916 --> 00:00:44,286
- Oh, right.
I usually don't see race.
19
00:00:44,336 --> 00:00:46,836
You can't ban trolls, Beans.
That's racist.
20
00:00:46,880 --> 00:00:49,670
- Oh, no room for racism
in hell, Beans.
21
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:51,176
- Every day like this.
22
00:00:51,217 --> 00:00:53,427
[device shrieking]
23
00:00:53,470 --> 00:00:55,560
- Lord, a summons.
24
00:00:55,597 --> 00:00:57,597
- [groans]
President McKinley!
25
00:00:57,640 --> 00:00:59,350
Code: Bullshit.
26
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:00,692
- Huh?
27
00:01:00,727 --> 00:01:02,597
- Hey, Eden,
there's a good girl.
28
00:01:02,645 --> 00:01:04,935
- [hisses]
29
00:01:04,981 --> 00:01:07,691
- Nobody touch my pastries
while I'm gone.
30
00:01:07,734 --> 00:01:09,154
- Good luck, sir.
31
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:12,950
- What is going on?
- In the beginning,
32
00:01:12,989 --> 00:01:14,699
hell was fairly empty,
33
00:01:14,741 --> 00:01:17,911
so Devil sent the contract
to Earth.
34
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:20,332
- Humans can summon Devil
with it.
35
00:01:20,372 --> 00:01:22,792
They promise to come to hell
if he does them a favor.
36
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:24,672
Boosted our numbers
when humans were scarce,
37
00:01:24,709 --> 00:01:27,209
but centuries
of "just the tip" later,
38
00:01:27,253 --> 00:01:29,303
and there's billions of you.
39
00:01:29,339 --> 00:01:31,759
- The contract is now
a damn nuisance
40
00:01:31,800 --> 00:01:34,260
that Devil can't ignore,
like Spain!
41
00:01:34,302 --> 00:01:36,472
[spits]
But worry not.
42
00:01:36,513 --> 00:01:38,893
In Devil's absence,
I am in charge.
43
00:01:38,932 --> 00:01:40,812
All is well.
44
00:01:40,850 --> 00:01:44,520
[explosion rumbling]
45
00:01:44,562 --> 00:01:46,902
Every day like this!
46
00:01:46,940 --> 00:01:49,900
[dramatic music]
47
00:01:49,943 --> 00:01:52,863
[lively music]
48
00:01:52,904 --> 00:01:59,834
* *
49
00:02:06,876 --> 00:02:10,256
[rain pattering]
50
00:02:10,964 --> 00:02:13,684
[warbling]
51
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:18,007
- Hot damn, it worked!
I actually summoned the Devil!
52
00:02:18,054 --> 00:02:20,394
- Yay, yippee, it's a party.
53
00:02:20,432 --> 00:02:22,562
Okay, fast-forward
through the rules.
54
00:02:22,600 --> 00:02:23,940
One: ask me for anything,
55
00:02:23,977 --> 00:02:26,517
but "Monkey's Paw" rules apply
if you get greedy.
56
00:02:26,563 --> 00:02:28,773
I'm not here to turn
the world yellow, okay?
57
00:02:28,815 --> 00:02:30,645
- I want--
- Seriously, the last guy
58
00:02:30,692 --> 00:02:32,692
wanted to turn
the world yellow!
59
00:02:32,736 --> 00:02:34,776
He had a pee fetish.
Gross.
60
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:36,781
Well, usually gross,
depends on your diet.
61
00:02:36,823 --> 00:02:38,583
Wanna know how I
"Monkey Paw"-ed his ass?
62
00:02:38,616 --> 00:02:39,866
- No, I--
- Pay attention!
63
00:02:39,909 --> 00:02:41,539
Come on,
I'm really proud of this.
64
00:02:41,578 --> 00:02:44,538
Added digitalis plant leaves
to all of his tea bags.
65
00:02:44,581 --> 00:02:48,461
Digitalis toxicity resulted
in xanthopsia, and boom!
66
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:52,594
He only sees the world
in yellow!
67
00:02:52,630 --> 00:02:54,300
"Monkey's Paw"!
- If I c--
68
00:02:54,341 --> 00:02:56,841
- He was killed
in an auto accident.
69
00:02:56,885 --> 00:02:59,545
All the lights looked yellow
to him, so that was good.
70
00:02:59,596 --> 00:03:02,556
- Number two--
- I wanna disprove God!
71
00:03:02,599 --> 00:03:04,679
- Are you insane?
72
00:03:04,726 --> 00:03:08,056
Isn't my existence
proof that God exists?
73
00:03:08,104 --> 00:03:09,564
Come on!
74
00:03:09,606 --> 00:03:12,066
- Only fools trust
what they see and hear.
75
00:03:12,108 --> 00:03:13,898
The moon landing was fake.
76
00:03:13,943 --> 00:03:15,903
Babies shouldn't get
vaccinated.
77
00:03:15,945 --> 00:03:17,815
The clitoris doesn't exist.
78
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,584
It's a myth propagated
by Big Vibrator.
79
00:03:20,617 --> 00:03:21,907
- You're one for three.
80
00:03:21,951 --> 00:03:24,411
- I have questions
about the Bible,
81
00:03:24,454 --> 00:03:28,004
inconsistencies that I'll use
to prove to all of Reddit
82
00:03:28,041 --> 00:03:29,581
God isn't real.
83
00:03:29,626 --> 00:03:31,746
- Jesus Christ!
84
00:03:31,795 --> 00:03:33,795
[passengers screaming,
electricity crackling]
85
00:03:33,838 --> 00:03:37,048
[metal groaning]
86
00:03:37,092 --> 00:03:40,552
[siren wailing]
87
00:03:40,595 --> 00:03:42,095
- It's not helping.
88
00:03:42,138 --> 00:03:43,598
- Driver said she was
so distracted
89
00:03:43,640 --> 00:03:44,930
arguing with a troll
on Chit Chat,
90
00:03:44,974 --> 00:03:46,644
she didn't see the other train.
91
00:03:46,685 --> 00:03:48,555
- Just ban the trolls, Beans.
92
00:03:48,603 --> 00:03:50,443
I won't condone your racism,
93
00:03:50,480 --> 00:03:53,610
but I will turn a blind eye
because it doesn't affect me.
94
00:03:53,650 --> 00:03:54,940
If it works for America,
95
00:03:54,984 --> 00:03:56,614
it can work for hell.
- I give up.
96
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:58,413
[passengers scream]
97
00:03:58,446 --> 00:04:00,486
Whoa!
Are they gonna be okay?
98
00:04:00,532 --> 00:04:02,952
- Eh, probably.
Takes a lot to destroy a soul.
99
00:04:02,992 --> 00:04:05,702
- The pressing concern
is restoring order.
100
00:04:05,745 --> 00:04:08,785
Rescuers begone!
Summon the demolition team!
101
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:11,422
[passengers screaming]
102
00:04:11,459 --> 00:04:14,129
- Okay, but the passengers can
still feel pain, can't they?
103
00:04:14,170 --> 00:04:15,800
- [stammers mockingly]
104
00:04:15,839 --> 00:04:18,549
Oh, yes!
Boo-hoo!
105
00:04:18,591 --> 00:04:21,801
Tell you what:
if the locomotive does plummet,
106
00:04:21,845 --> 00:04:25,965
it's frozen custard
and fellatio for everybody.
107
00:04:26,016 --> 00:04:28,056
Would that calm
your bleeding heart?
108
00:04:28,101 --> 00:04:29,731
- Ah, the ole froze-n-blow.
109
00:04:29,769 --> 00:04:31,979
[passengers scream]
110
00:04:32,022 --> 00:04:33,402
- [screams]
111
00:04:33,440 --> 00:04:35,110
[people gasping, murmuring]
112
00:04:35,150 --> 00:04:37,070
- Eric,
where is your hard hat?
113
00:04:37,110 --> 00:04:38,780
- It was itchy.
114
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:40,450
- See what happens when
you don't wear your hard hat?
115
00:04:40,488 --> 00:04:42,698
- You get smushed.
- Good.
116
00:04:42,741 --> 00:04:44,621
Quicker to clean up
if it's off the track.
117
00:04:44,659 --> 00:04:46,829
- You know what?
I'm going back to the office.
118
00:04:46,870 --> 00:04:49,540
- What, and miss
all the fellatio?
119
00:04:52,667 --> 00:04:54,787
- If Adam and Eve
only had Cain and Abel,
120
00:04:54,836 --> 00:04:56,876
where the hell
did Cain's wife come from?
121
00:04:56,921 --> 00:04:59,511
- I don't know.
Free will?
122
00:04:59,549 --> 00:05:02,679
I'm just gonna say "free will"
to the rest of these.
123
00:05:02,719 --> 00:05:05,509
- Why would a loving God
send bears to maul 42 kids
124
00:05:05,555 --> 00:05:07,845
just because they ridiculed
a bald guy, huh?
125
00:05:07,891 --> 00:05:10,641
- It doesn't say that.
- It does.
126
00:05:10,685 --> 00:05:13,805
- Oh, whoa, it does!
[laughs]
127
00:05:13,855 --> 00:05:16,975
That is insane!
Who wrote this?
128
00:05:17,025 --> 00:05:18,565
- Why'd an all-powerful God
129
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:20,200
have to rest
on the seventh day?
130
00:05:20,236 --> 00:05:22,656
Did he need a shower?
Did God stink?
131
00:05:22,697 --> 00:05:25,027
- I don't know!
Free will, okay?
132
00:05:25,075 --> 00:05:27,865
God smelled bad
because you have free will.
133
00:05:27,911 --> 00:05:29,871
- Stop lying to me.
134
00:05:29,913 --> 00:05:31,713
- Why did you summon me
135
00:05:31,748 --> 00:05:33,668
if you're not even
going to listen to me?
136
00:05:33,708 --> 00:05:36,538
- I suffer from
a confirmation bias!
137
00:05:36,586 --> 00:05:38,756
My heart!
Heart attack!
138
00:05:38,797 --> 00:05:41,627
But will the truth die with me?
139
00:05:44,469 --> 00:05:45,799
- Shit.
140
00:05:45,845 --> 00:05:47,885
I am going to run
into this asshole in hell,
141
00:05:47,931 --> 00:05:50,181
I just know it.
142
00:05:50,225 --> 00:05:52,185
Oh, well, time to head home.
143
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:57,518
What is this?
Oh, no!
144
00:05:57,565 --> 00:05:59,475
The contract remains
unfulfilled!
145
00:06:00,819 --> 00:06:03,949
You gotta release me,
or I'm stuck here!
146
00:06:03,988 --> 00:06:07,238
Ugh, you are worse
than the pee fetish man.
147
00:06:07,283 --> 00:06:09,913
Oh, gosh,
I'm yelling at a corpse.
148
00:06:09,953 --> 00:06:13,163
Okay, think.
Think, okay.
149
00:06:13,206 --> 00:06:14,826
[animal chitters]
150
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,754
[light harp music]
151
00:06:17,794 --> 00:06:20,214
- [farts]
- [chirps, groans]
152
00:06:20,255 --> 00:06:21,545
- [crying]
- [laughs]
153
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:22,839
- [guffaws]
154
00:06:22,882 --> 00:06:25,642
That is some grade-A
"Looney Tunes" shit.
155
00:06:25,677 --> 00:06:27,887
That skunk is mean.
156
00:06:27,929 --> 00:06:29,139
That's it!
157
00:06:29,180 --> 00:06:31,980
Where would an atheist
keep a mallet?
158
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,603
- A snake named Eden.
159
00:06:35,645 --> 00:06:37,765
Was that you, buddy?
With Eve and the apple?
160
00:06:37,814 --> 00:06:40,074
You can tell me.
- I don't give interviews.
161
00:06:40,108 --> 00:06:41,228
- [screams]
162
00:06:41,276 --> 00:06:42,736
- Beans.
- [screams]
163
00:06:42,777 --> 00:06:44,277
- Emergency delivery
from the front gate.
164
00:06:44,320 --> 00:06:45,610
- [screams]
- [hisses]
165
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:47,025
- A skunk?
Are you crazy?
166
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,663
- The welcome demon assured me
that the skunk
167
00:06:49,701 --> 00:06:51,581
has completely emptied itself.
168
00:06:51,619 --> 00:06:54,619
Also, the Rusty Gate is closed
for a deep cleaning.
169
00:06:54,664 --> 00:06:56,004
- But why'd they send it to me?
170
00:06:56,041 --> 00:06:57,631
Is this some kind
of hazing thing,
171
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,747
like waking up at your
frat house with three gerbils
172
00:06:59,794 --> 00:07:01,964
and a note saying,
"Enjoy the four gerbils"?
173
00:07:02,005 --> 00:07:04,835
Not that it happened to me.
It's just...
174
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,926
"Beans, Devil.
175
00:07:07,969 --> 00:07:10,759
"Can't return until released.
Guy just died.
176
00:07:10,805 --> 00:07:12,885
Find him.
See reverse for pic."
177
00:07:14,893 --> 00:07:17,103
- You must see Devil
returned to hell.
178
00:07:17,145 --> 00:07:20,685
If he is absent for too long,
our dimension becomes unstable
179
00:07:20,732 --> 00:07:22,982
and could collapse
into a singularity.
180
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:24,276
- Are you serious?
181
00:07:24,319 --> 00:07:25,819
[tense music]
182
00:07:25,862 --> 00:07:26,822
Coma?
183
00:07:26,863 --> 00:07:28,203
- He has a 2:00
184
00:07:28,239 --> 00:07:30,659
he's already
rescheduled twice, and--
185
00:07:30,700 --> 00:07:32,660
- Fine, I'll check
the front gate.
186
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:33,872
Drama queen.
187
00:07:37,999 --> 00:07:41,209
- I heard someone beating a
skunk to death from next door.
188
00:07:41,252 --> 00:07:42,712
Is Steve okay?
189
00:07:42,754 --> 00:07:45,264
Steve, it's Joyce.
190
00:07:45,298 --> 00:07:47,178
Is your heart condition okay?
191
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:50,137
[dramatic music]
192
00:07:50,178 --> 00:07:52,638
You!
You murdered him,
193
00:07:52,681 --> 00:07:55,021
and now we'll
never be together!
194
00:07:55,058 --> 00:07:59,018
How dare you
eat his frozen pizza?
195
00:07:59,062 --> 00:08:01,942
You--
[chokes]
196
00:08:01,981 --> 00:08:04,231
- This day cannot
get any weirder.
197
00:08:04,275 --> 00:08:05,985
[doorbell rings]
198
00:08:06,027 --> 00:08:08,357
As if on cue.
Look at that timing.
199
00:08:08,405 --> 00:08:10,235
There's proof of God
right there.
200
00:08:10,281 --> 00:08:12,201
I'll bet this is
Ashton Kutcher.
201
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,872
Is "Punk'd" still a thing?
202
00:08:13,910 --> 00:08:14,910
It should be.
203
00:08:14,953 --> 00:08:16,293
Survey says...
204
00:08:17,956 --> 00:08:20,746
- Uh, we're here for
the People Pursuing Truth
205
00:08:20,792 --> 00:08:23,802
in Portland meetup group.
- Of course you are.
206
00:08:23,837 --> 00:08:26,047
- Oh, uh, are you new
to the PPTP?
207
00:08:26,089 --> 00:08:28,219
- I am, yes.
208
00:08:28,258 --> 00:08:30,218
Ashton?
No?
209
00:08:30,260 --> 00:08:31,390
Maybe later.
210
00:08:31,428 --> 00:08:34,258
- [gasps]
- [gasps]
211
00:08:34,305 --> 00:08:36,215
- Okay, let me guess.
Let me guess.
212
00:08:36,266 --> 00:08:40,686
All right, literal tinfoil hat
guy is about UFO cover-ups.
213
00:08:40,729 --> 00:08:41,689
And you...
214
00:08:41,730 --> 00:08:44,230
oh, lung stuff.
215
00:08:44,274 --> 00:08:45,904
Not enough to go on.
216
00:08:45,942 --> 00:08:48,742
- I'm keeping myself pure
from the chemtrails, sir,
217
00:08:48,778 --> 00:08:51,908
and keeping doctors with their
nasal spray vaccinations away.
218
00:08:51,948 --> 00:08:53,738
And I'll be damned
before I breathe in
219
00:08:53,783 --> 00:08:55,663
any of that G5 poison.
220
00:08:55,702 --> 00:08:57,082
Nice try!
- Noted.
221
00:08:57,120 --> 00:08:58,750
And you are obviously
222
00:08:58,788 --> 00:09:00,788
an anti-government militia gal,
right?
223
00:09:00,832 --> 00:09:03,342
- No, I think
an evil Illuminati order
224
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:05,706
is controlling the world,
but they're all over 50.
225
00:09:05,754 --> 00:09:08,344
Time for millennials
to represent.
226
00:09:08,381 --> 00:09:10,221
- Is that true?
- Yes.
227
00:09:10,258 --> 00:09:11,378
- Bummer.
228
00:09:11,426 --> 00:09:13,256
- Oh, it's finally
happening, guys.
229
00:09:13,303 --> 00:09:15,313
We got too close,
and the CIA
230
00:09:15,347 --> 00:09:17,807
sent a man in black
to take us all out.
231
00:09:17,849 --> 00:09:20,099
- Oh, no, that would make
way too much sense for today.
232
00:09:20,143 --> 00:09:22,773
No, these two
were natural causes.
233
00:09:22,812 --> 00:09:24,272
I'm just a visitor from hell.
234
00:09:24,314 --> 00:09:26,444
Devil.
Hello, good to meet you.
235
00:09:26,483 --> 00:09:28,693
Won't be here much longer.
[sighs]
236
00:09:28,735 --> 00:09:29,895
Pizza?
237
00:09:29,944 --> 00:09:31,404
Joyce thinks we shouldn't,
but...
238
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,446
[chuckles]
239
00:09:33,490 --> 00:09:35,660
She not gonna--she's dead.
240
00:09:36,326 --> 00:09:37,986
- Sic semper tyrannis!
241
00:09:38,036 --> 00:09:41,456
[dynamic music]
242
00:09:41,498 --> 00:09:43,958
- Really, guys?
- [yells]
243
00:09:44,000 --> 00:09:48,800
* *
244
00:09:48,838 --> 00:09:50,418
- I don't wanna hurt you.
245
00:09:50,465 --> 00:09:52,005
- [yells]
- Ow!
246
00:09:52,050 --> 00:09:53,970
Chemtrails gets a slap
for that.
247
00:09:54,010 --> 00:09:55,930
[air hissing]
248
00:09:55,970 --> 00:09:57,310
[explosion]
249
00:09:57,347 --> 00:09:59,267
Okay, time-out, obviously.
250
00:09:59,307 --> 00:10:00,977
- [yells]
[gunshots]
251
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:05,899
- I said time-out!
252
00:10:05,939 --> 00:10:07,479
[shouts, grunts, gunshots]
253
00:10:07,524 --> 00:10:09,234
[glass shatters]
254
00:10:10,985 --> 00:10:15,025
Are they putting steroids
in their crazy pills or what?
255
00:10:15,073 --> 00:10:16,953
Time-in, way in!
256
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:19,371
[laughs]
257
00:10:21,830 --> 00:10:24,120
- I can prove you don't exist.
258
00:10:24,165 --> 00:10:26,375
- At this point,
I wish I didn't.
259
00:10:28,336 --> 00:10:30,796
- Excuse me, hi.
Is this you?
260
00:10:30,839 --> 00:10:33,839
- No.
261
00:10:33,883 --> 00:10:34,933
- Walk with me, buddy.
262
00:10:34,968 --> 00:10:37,298
[skunk snarls]
- [screams]
263
00:10:37,345 --> 00:10:38,965
- I need you to say out loud
264
00:10:39,014 --> 00:10:40,314
that you release Devil
from the contract.
265
00:10:40,348 --> 00:10:41,768
- No way!
266
00:10:41,808 --> 00:10:42,978
I'm a truth warrior
267
00:10:43,018 --> 00:10:45,018
and need truth bullets
for my truth guns.
268
00:10:45,061 --> 00:10:47,231
- Listen, man,
the truth is, you're dead
269
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:48,772
and you're in hell.
270
00:10:48,815 --> 00:10:50,315
So whatever ammunition
you thought Devil
271
00:10:50,358 --> 00:10:53,188
was gonna give you for your
drive-by truthings or whatever
272
00:10:53,236 --> 00:10:54,526
doesn't mean shit down here.
273
00:10:54,571 --> 00:10:57,371
Time to move on.
274
00:10:57,407 --> 00:10:58,947
- You're right.
275
00:10:58,992 --> 00:11:01,542
I release Devil
from the contract.
276
00:11:01,578 --> 00:11:04,328
I wonder what secrets
hell is hiding.
277
00:11:04,372 --> 00:11:06,962
[yells]
278
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:08,420
- Let's go.
279
00:11:08,460 --> 00:11:09,540
- Hey, I know
you just got back,
280
00:11:09,586 --> 00:11:11,166
but you got a 2:00 waiting.
281
00:11:11,212 --> 00:11:12,762
- I'm canceling.
282
00:11:16,217 --> 00:11:18,257
- No, no, come back later.
We're closed.
283
00:11:20,597 --> 00:11:22,387
- I think we have
to reschedule.
284
00:11:22,432 --> 00:11:24,062
- Yeah, you know what?
285
00:11:24,100 --> 00:11:26,190
You know how many times
I've rescheduled already?
286
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:28,517
- I keep Devil's schedule,
so yes.
287
00:11:28,563 --> 00:11:31,233
- Not going anywhere.
288
00:11:33,234 --> 00:11:35,954
You ever have anyone
piss on you?
289
00:11:35,987 --> 00:11:38,867
- You wanna spend eternity
pissing blood?
290
00:11:38,907 --> 00:11:41,447
- [gasps]
Ooh, maybe.
20355
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