All language subtitles for The E

The events shown here are all
part of the authors' imagination.

All references to real life,
present or past,

or to people alive now or in the past

are purely coincidental.

Despite appearances...

and provided the nation doesn't know...

THE EROTICIST

We're two thirds of the way
though the vote counting.

The name of Senator Giacinto Puppis
is coming up a lot,

as well as Senator Torsello's.

Let's remind the viewers
of this special edition of the news

that in the first three rounds
of the presidential election

a majority of two thirds is necessary.

If none of the candidates
obtains this majority,

the new head of state can be elected
in the following rounds

with half the votes plus one more.

- He is winning!
- No, he won't make it.

Come on! Come on!

OK. All right.

We interrupt our broadcast
from Montecitorio,

which we will come back to
in about 20 minutes,

to go to Ciampino airport

for the welcome ceremony
for Mrs. Laila Mandi,

president of the Republic of Uria.

Over to you, Gioiello.

Gioiello, can you hear me?

I'm Vittorio Gioiello,
reporting from Ciampino.

We're outside the state building.

Mrs. Mandi's airplane
has just landed.

Everything is ready
for receiving the illustrious guests.

Besides the people
who have been invited,

we can see that a small crowd
has assembled

in the square
in front of the state building.

We can see a guard of honor
on either side of the red carpet

and we can see the Italian dignitaries and
those from the Republic of Uria

assembled here to receive Mrs. Mandi.

Senator Giacinto Puppis
is at the centre of this group

and on his right is Senator Torsello,

both candidates
for the highest office of state.

- Next to them...
- Excuse me, Vittorio.

Everybody is asking
if we'll have as president

a secular independent,
Senator Torsello,

or a representative of the Centre party,
Senator Puppis.

Have you been able to get an impression
from the two senators

about how the voting is going?

Just a couple of "No comments”,

which is to be expected given
the delicate nature of their positions.

Of course. In fact it's reassuring to see
them standing next to each other.

It shows what a great friendship
they have.

Not only that, it is also evidence of
the spirit of great democratic civility

that characterizes
the occasional antagonism

between these two eminent senators.

I told you I'm not going to
let myself look like a jerk.

What are you talking about?

Good morning, General.

Under our agreement your party
should have all voted for me,

but I only got 98 votes.

You don't understand
that it's a diversionary tactic

to put off the opposition.

And I withdraw my candidacy?

Come on, don't be silly.

Have you been in contact
with the liberals?

They promised to abstain in the second
round and vote for me in the third.

There you go.
You'll make it in the fifth round.

Now smile. A future president has to train
himself to smile all the time.

We'll see.

To be frank, I get the impression
that you want to shaft me.

What's the matter, Puppis?

Nothing.

We can see Mrs. Mandi coming out
of the airplane,

followed by her dignitaries.

The Italian dignitaries gathered here
will pay her their respects.

Her multicolored sari
and the uniforms of her attendants

are bright splashes of color
that stand out

against the sober outfits
of our representatives assembled here.

Senator Puppis
approaches the illustrious guest

to welcome her
on behalf of the government.

Their faces, their expressions, everything
contributes towards...

- It's a long report.
- Carry on.

I'll do a montage.

Carry on, carry on.

Keep going.

Still the same old crap.

More crap.

Friendship with the people of Uria,
more crap.

The famous solidarity and the
spirit of great democratic civility...

What exactly are they saying here?

It's the same old mush.

Enthusiastic support and unconditional
admiration for the Urian people

and for their struggle
against feudalism and imperialism.

Look.

Go back.

Go on. Keep going.

OK. That's it.

So he's not a fag.

Do you think the old guy's
fallen into the trap?

Torsello? He's not lost
all his marbles yet.

You know that he's telling everybody
that we want to shaft him.

Please.

Marbles or no marbles,
he's a strategic candidate for us.

But we need an excuse to get rid of him
in the fifth round.

We've got to work something out.

What if we revealed
the child support scandal?

Or the Mexican tobacco scandal?

Very good.
But he's the one who revealed them.

I sweated buckets
to send those inquiries up in smoke.

He's an honest man.

See how they're infiltrating us?

We've got to find something
to cause him trouble.

- Forgive me, Monsignor.
- Giacinto.

Don't get up, fellows.

I'm sorry I'm late.

The investiture ceremony for my boss,

for Monsignor Maravigli, is taking place
the day after tomorrow.

We've got a lot to do too.

You were talking about
that pain in the ass Torsello?

When did you decide to cheat him?

You haven't had breakfast, have you,
Monsignor? If you'd like something...

Thank you, you're very kind.

I said Mass quite late this morning
and didn't have time for breakfast.

You're welcome. Do sit down.

There, just a mouthful. I'm in a hurry.

We've already laid out our tracks
for the elections.

Now you politicians must follow us without
tripping up.

- Fellows.
- Excuse me.

Excuse me, Monsignor.

Senator Puppis, there's a phone call
for you in my room.

- It's urgent.
- Who is it?

Father Lucion.

I'm not here. No, tell him
I don't want to speak to him.

All right, sir.

OK, I see.

Well, tell him that I want
to speak to him.

Tell Maravigli's servant
that it's in his interest.

Tell him that he should come.

I'll wait for him in the usual place.

And tell him that if he doesn't come
he'll be in trouble.

- Wait here, Carmelino.
- Yes, sir.

What on earth do you want?
You've got me into real shit...

Excuse me, Father.
I meant to say a real mess.

Giacinto.

What do you want?

Giacinto, you're mixing up
right and left in politics as well now.

What do you want?

This morning
somebody came to me to confess.

Yeah? Well?

Have a look at the future president.

He gave it to me.

But that's impossible.

It seemed impossible to me too, Giacinto,

given that I've known you
since university.

But I don't disapprove
of what he's doing.

It will put an end to some of the rumors
going round about you.

A photomontage. Filthy blackmail.

No, it's not a photomontage. I checked.
But it is blackmail.

It will cost you 10 million lire.
It's a fair price.

Fair? I'm going to send him to prison.

Hey, we are working!

I'm going to send him to prison.
Who gave it to you?

Giacinto, you may be a senator
but this is a holy place.

Nobody's going to prison because
I'm not telling you who gave it to me.

You should pay up

unless you want to see this
all over the front pages of the papers

next to the announcement of your election
to the highest office of state.

- But when you call me...
- I'm not calling you.

You'll call me, I know you will.

As I was saying, when you call me,
you need to make yourself known.

If I'm not sure that it's you I'm speaking
to I'll play deaf. Do you understand?

What are you talking about?
You're insane.

It's like in spy movies.

You say a phrase in code
and then we start talking.

You say, "The senator is feeling out the
south.” It's appropriate.

Appropriate? You know
what I'm going to do with the south?

Exactly.

I'll send you to prison.

Giacinto, they suggested
I use this phrase.

Never! I'm going to send them to prison.

To prison!

It's mine.
It's not a picture of a saint.

- St Peter! No!
- Giacinto.

- Hello. Who is it?
- It's me. Don't you recognize me?

- No.
- I'm calling you about that stuff.

- What stuff?
- That story.

That matter. What's-its-name.

That thing. Will you give it to me?

No. Who did you take me for?
What thing do you mean? What stuff?

- What are you talking about?
- What is the phrase?

- The senator is feeling out...
- What is he feeling out?

What the hell is he feeling out?

The senator is feeling out...

That thing.
The senator is feeling out...

The south.
The senator is feeling out the south.

At last. You've made your mind up?

OK. I'm going to feel out the south.

Yes, but you'd better hurry up

because the south's had enough of being
felt out without ever getting any money.

There are two things here.

It could be
the papal nunzio's assistant.

No, it can't be, given his age.
It's definitely you.

Yes, there's no doubt about it.

But I did it without realizing, I swear.

I wasn't aware. Do you know what I mean?

You're saying that it was
an unconscious act?

A kind of trance?

How should I know?

It's hard to believe
it's ever like that.

What am I supposed to say?

It means that I'm sick.

Sick!

For a while I've been having memory
lapses, dizzy spells, fainting fits.

I thought it was nervous exhaustion.

- Oh, God.
- What's wrong?

The last time it happened
was in Strasbourg.

At the official reception for the EEC.

And?

Near me was Princess...

- Now I understand.
- Why? What's happened?

Nothing. The Low Countries raised some
issues over an agricultural question.

Well, the Low Countries
made themselves heard that time.

- It's not a laughing matter.
- I'm sorry.

You've got to do something about it.

You can't go round feeling up all
the heads of state of other countries.

Who knows what could happen?
Wars have broken out over much less.

Never mind wars.
If a scandal breaks out I'm finished.

Goodbye to the presidency.

I've spent my whole life
getting to where I am and now...

Sorry, Giacinto.

I don't mean to pry,
but why didn't you get married?

There's even a rumor
that you're still a virgin.

For me politics is like the priesthood.

All statesmen should act like I do.

Give themselves, body and soul.

Listen to the rubbish you're talking.

I'm fighting for the abolition
of celibacy for priests.

You want to bring in
celibacy for politicians?

You're right, my son. You're sick.

Maybe. But I'll get better.
It's a question of willpower.

What do you mean, willpower?
You need a doctor, a specialist.

What are you talking about?
You're crazy. In my position?

What if people found out?

No, it's too dangerous.

No. You'd go away for a couple of days.

Say you're going on a spiritual retreat.

Listen to me, Giacinto.

You need a specialist,
somebody with discretion.

I can find you one. A Dominican like me.
A German psychoanalyst.

Don't be ridiculous. Stop it.

Maybe later.
After I've been elected. Not now.

This is a delicate time.

I'll be able to control myself.
I must do it.

- Good morning, Senator.
- Good morning.

Senator.

Good morning, Senator.

Good morning.

Senator?

What's the matter, Senator?

- Good morning.
- Well, well.

Are you sure that this priest
will cure me?

- Are you convinced, Lucion?
- Yes.

He uses psychoanalysis to control urges.

Drink the young people's cocktail.

It quenches your thirst
and gives you energy.

Drink it, it's good.

I'm going to get you a brandy.
Something strong.

- Fill it up with Esso Extra.
- Wait here.

Giacinto! Stop!

A beard!

- Afag...
- You're mistaken.

Italo-Scottish relations have suffered from
political disagreements

even though the old friendship
between the people...

On a spiritual retreat.

Didn't he say anything else?

I'm a servant.
I'm given orders and I obey them.

So much for a spiritual retreat.

My dear Giovanni, I'm increasingly
convinced that they want to shaft me.

What will I do if I get elected?
If I get elected, what will I do?

You'll be president, Giacinto.

You've discovered women,
you're discovering alcohol.

You'll be a perfect president.

And even if you can't do it,
why should you care?

You've learned to enjoy life.

- What will the people say?
- The people?

The football transfer market
will start soon.

The summer records are coming out.
The people don't care.

The next summer record could be Youth.

At last. Welcome, sir.

Thank you.

He's drunk, but it's better to be drunk on
brandy than on power.

The first thing he needs
is a good sleep.

You'll be very happy here.

There's great calm here, great solitude.

There are very few nuns here.
They're all very efficient.

They're all German nuns, very discreet.

They keep everything tidy.
They've got his room ready.

He'll see that up here...

the view...

Yes, OK. Unfortunately
I have to leave right now.

I'll leave him in your hands.

Very good. I'll take care of him.

- Make sure you do.
- Don't worry. He's in good hands.

In very good hands.

Who is it?

It's me, Sister.

Go on in, Senator. Don't be afraid.

This is Sister Delicata,
she is the doorkeeper.

IN A DEMOCRACY THE POLICE
SERVE THE CITIZEN

This is interception number 47a.

Senator Puppis was telephoning
Father Lucion, who was later identified.

Listen.

What on earth am I listening to?

It was raining that night.

Listen to it now.

Nobody will find out.

They don't care.

When it rains in Rome the phones don't
work very well. It's not our fault.

I don't understand any of it.

It sounds like it's something important.

A state secret, the south
and that stuff.

- Maybe it's drugs.
- Puppis?

The senator involved with drugs?

Come on, it's impossible.

He's just a fag.

Yes, sir, a fag.

And what does "The senator
is feeling out the south” mean?

Could it be a code?

Do you remember those messages
from Radio London during the war?

"The bird flies at night.”

"Aunt Carmela has made some jam."

"The ship has broken the ice.”

- And you're breaking my balls.
- Yes, sir.

Besides the senator,
who else lives in the Puppis residence?

Just 2 manservant who is his driver too.

Carmelino Carpena, 27 years old,
born in Biancavilla.

- A fag.
- Him as well?

And they say that Italy
is a republic founded on work.

You know what I think it's founded on?
On ass.

Father. Father Scirer. Come quickly.

It's Mother Superior. Come quickly.

- Open the door.
- What do you want?

You should be sleeping.
What on earth is going on?

Come quickly, Father.
Something terrible has happened.

- To His Excellency?
- No, to Sister Patrizia.

Sister Patrizia?

Yes, the youngest one.

I don't want to know anything...

I don't want to know.

Go to bed.

That's enough. Go.

Clips.

Ready? Go in.

Grant me, O Lord, perseverance
to fight the weaknesses of the flesh

and the temptations of the devil

and keep sin away from me.

Give my soul strength

so that I can endure pain
with holy resignation.

The pain of my body.

Listen to my prayer, I beg you,

so that I may find glory
and eternal peace in heaven.

Give me strength to endure this
terrible pain with holy resignation. Amen.

Oh, Father, what should I do?

Wait calmly.
I'll have a look now.

- Does it hurt?
- No, but I feel shivers.

Of course. I understand.
How did it happen?

We were putting him to bed.

He seemed to be sleeping
like a baby. Then...

He's glued to her.

This man's very strong.

It's all my fault.
ll should have seen this coming.

It's best to let him sleep
in peace.

What?

Father, does Sister Patrizia
have to stay like this all night?

If we wake him he'll get a big shock.

It's important for him to wake up
slowly and calmly.

His nerves will relax,
the muscles in his hand will loosen

and Sister Patrizia will be able to go.

Father, maybe it would be fairer
if we took it in turns.

One time for each of us
won't hurt anybody.

Reverend Mother, Sister Patrizia
was here to cure a sick man.

Remember that a hair shirt is
a little sacrifice offered to the Lord.

"Omina munda mundis.”

As St Paul used to say.

I don't think St Paul
ever found himself in this situation.

Who knows?

But if she's a sacrifice...

Don't lose heart. Pray.

You must suffer in the hope
of being touched by grace.

- But it's bitter grace.
- Good night.

As chief of politics, I'm confused.

The phrase says
that he's feeling out the south.

The south, as you know,

is traditionally a reserve
of subversive right-wing forces.

Now, as far as I can make out,

Senator Puppis is considered
to be left-wing.

A politician who is open to everything.

No allusions, you understand?

Right, left.
We're in a complete mess here.

Look, all we know

is that Senator Puppis
is the major exponent

of the left-wing fringe of a right-wing
movement in the centre party.

It's a fringe
that finds itself on the left

after the break-up
of a moderate right-wing movement.

So it depends
on how you look at the situation.

- Have I been clear?
- Very clear, sir.

However, the unexpected disappearance
of Puppis

to this spiritual retreat
who knows where

has an air of pretence about it,
which confirms for me...

There's no doubt about that. No doubt.

They want to do it under our noses.

Well said, sir.
They want to do it under our noses.

It's time to open the windows.
Start by arresting somebody.

But, sir, for what?

In Italy people are arrested
who haven't committed a crime.

And our country's in such a mess
that we could have a coup by the Left

financed by industrialists

or one by the Right
organized by Maoists.

Basically I want everything
done properly.

It's crazy. It's absurd.

They're preparing a coup.
Has it come to this?

It'll be the first time
in our nation's history

that a coup is staged
without informing the General Staff.

Where is Italy going?
Where is Italy going, Leonardi?

I didn't understand everything, sir.

It doesn't matter. At ease.

Have you discovered who Senator Puppis'
mysterious interlocutor is?

Has he been identified?

Yes, sir. By the police.

But we immediately intercepted
the identification.

- So who is it?
- He's a Dominican monk.

- A monk?
- A certain Father Lucion.

Lucion?

But the point remains the same.

If priests start staging coups,
what's left for a poor soldier to do?

Does he have to say Mass?

Leonardi, you need to investigate
and find things out.

First, what the police are doing
and what measures they are taking.

Second, what the tax police are doing
and what orders they have given.

Third, interceptors of the secret memos of
the Department of the Interior.

Only by doing this will we be able
to construct a mosaic...

ADRANO REAL ESTATE
HEADQUARTERS

First, what the police are doing
and what measures they are taking.

Second, what the tax police are doing
and what orders they have given.

Third, interceptors of the secret memos of
the Department of the Interior.

Only by doing this will we be able
to construct a mosaic

that will put our fingers on the pulse

and we will see if Senator Puppis
is planning to stage a coup without us.

That fag Puppis!

He's setting himself up for a fall.

He wants to eat alone
and cheat everybody on the quiet.

He tells us this,
but if he was nobody...

But who is he? But who is he?

Who is he?

A person with no clout.

Our family has never
put up with parasites like him

and has always got rid of them.

He's organizing a coup and wants to
get rid of the people who made him.

His lust for power will be his ruin.

Tell me something.
Have you given him a warning?

Don't mention him.

He's too high up.
But we've got to warn him.

Your Eminence.

Monsignor Maravigli.

Bardolino, what are you...

Puppis has committed impure acts on TV
and it's created a massive scandal...

Christ!

IT IS NOT WITHOUT
A SENSE OF WONDER

THAT PEOPLE WATCH FILMS
WHICH TRANSPORT THEM

INTO UNKNOWN AND
SOMETIMES UNIMAGINED WORLDS

WHICH NO OTHER MEANS
CAN REPRESENT

MORE VIVIDLY THAN CINEMA

PIUS XII

Stop!

So...

See, Your Eminence?

It's all about women. Luckily.

What do you mean, luckily, Don Gesualdo?

What's he doing?

It seemed like a coup,
Your Eminence. But instead...

Instead? This is much worse.

Nothing. Is it possible that you all
understand nothing, Don Gesualdo?

At least a coup
doesn't make people laugh.

It brings you enemies, of course.

But if you want power
you can't help making enemies.

And you need...

But this stupid nonsense
is more serious.

I bet that even the dead people
who voted for him are laughing.

It's ridiculous that in this world
this is more serious than a coup.

Son of a bitch.

All my life I've been creating,
minute by minute,

a magnificent picture
of divine providence,

and now that I was about to reap
the fruits of my hard work...

St Rosalia, St Agatha,
St Catherine of Villahermosa,

St Vito...

Ora pro nobis.

Bardolino, I'm cursing them.

Your Eminence, don't get upset.
The situation's under control.

He's being blackmailed...

I want to speak to him.

- Your Eminence, it's difficult.
- Why?

Bardolino, off you go.

What do you have on this operator?

What did you do to him?

He was canonized.

Three more to the top floor.

I repeat, three more to the top floor,
dispatch department.

The third consignment of angels
is finished.

Send the others
to the ornaments department.

For a saint's statue
it hasn't come out badly.

Ego te absolvo a peccatis tuis
in articulo mortis

In nomine Patris et
Filii et Spiritu Sancti.

Your Eminence, there's one more.

The good shepherd.
Someone who gave Puppis a lift.

- Who is it?
- A secretary.

Oh, well.

They're not the first saints created
through a mistake by the Church.

I'm afraid they won't be the last,
Your Eminence.

Now look closely at this drawing

and tell me what comes into your mind.

Tell me. Be honest.

Don't make sheep noises, please.

Tell me what you see here.
There's no need to be ashamed. Come on.

- ...Father, I see...
- Be brave.

I see a... a...

- Botty.
- What?

- A botty.
- Botty?

What's a botty? A Soviet car?

No, it's a backside.

A woman's backside.

An ass.

So say "ass" then.
That's good.

You need to be precise.
This isn't politics, this is anatomy.

Don't speak German, please.
I speak good Italian.

Good. Now, what do you see in this one?

- The same thing.
- A botty?

A botty.

An ass.

And this one? What do you see here?

And here? In this one?

And in this one? And here? And this one?

Do you see anything different?

No. I'm sorry, Father.

It's always asses.
ll see women's asses everywhere.

- I'm sorry. Excuse me.
- Just asses.

I've got to say, son,

that like all politicians
you don't have much imagination.

It's important to bear this in mind too.

Let's do another test.

Now you must say what you think this is.

Father...

Father, I feel ill.

I feel ill.

Damn! You should have picked
a different ass.

This isn't a hand, it's a claw.

- What happened, Father?
- Don't worry, my son.

Now everything is clear,
everything is illuminated.

I understand that whenever you see...

- You see a...
- Botty?

Yes, a botty.

You are in a trance.

Your subconscious is blocked

and immediately wants
to touch with your hand,

like St Thomas.

Why, was he...

Come, my son, over there.

Best not to take this.

You first, sir.

Lie down on here,
make yourself comfortable.

What do you want to do to me, Father?

Nothing. Don't worry.

Now tell me, my son,

do you often dream during the night?

Yes, Father.

Try to remember a dream that you've had.

Remember.

Remember.

Remember...

Watch out. Watch out, little Giacinto.

You've got to be on your guard.
Women deceive your senses.

They have a hidden side,
dominated by bestial instinct.

Satan speaks
through the mouths of women.

Don't lose yourself
in the presence of women, little Giacinto.

Don't lose yourself in their presence.

About turn.

What are you doing, Giacinto!

Don't, Giacinto!

Look up.

What are you doing, sir?

Don't touch my bits.

I've taken a vow of chastity.

Please, sir.

Hands down. No, hands up.

Good, sir. What am I going to do? Sir.

Sir, you're sleeping.

Wake up! Sir!

- Father Scirer?
- Unfortunately.

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

- Sir...
- How did I get here?

- What have I done?
- You're asking me?

Forgive me, Father.

I had an incredible dream.

A terrible dream.

Very clear. Now I understand everything.

Drink this.

- What is it?
- A sedative.

You are in great need of it. Go on.

Al right.

Now you tell me all about your dream

and I'll analyze it.

It's strange, Father, but...

I feel better.

- Really?
- Much better.

Well, perhaps I have given you too much.

Maybe, but I feel really good.

- Really good.
- Yes, I understand.

It's as if... as if I've been recharged.

Rested.

Yes, but this isn't the effect
of the sedative, my friend.

This is the effect of dreaming.

Maybe I'm wrong, but you seem cured.

Come on, tell me your dream.
Include even the minutest details.

Some things are difficult to talk about,
Father.

It's not just about me, it's about...

Who?

- I can't say.
- Come on. Who?

- No, Father, I can't say.
- Don't be afraid. Tell me.

It's about the nuns
of the Holy Atonement.

Who?

The nuns here.

- Yes.

Which one?

All of them.

Sir, are you sure you want to leave?
It's peaceful here.

It's restful.

I'd love to stay but there's
an official reception that I can't miss.

Above all, that dream you had
has liberated you

and removed the block
from your subconscious.

You have a lot of faith in yourself now,
don't you?

Listen.

Imagine if I told the nuns
about the dream you had last night.

Listen, if you have another dream
like that, call me.

Your case is very interesting.

You could even have a relapse.

Let's hope not, Father. Let's hope not.

I kiss your feet.

- Has the senator left?
- Yes, he's much better.

Why? Was there something
you wanted from him?

I came to say that the nuns are waiting for
you to hear their confessions.

Confession!
You never have anything to confess.

Always the same old things.

How many times was he with you,
my child?

Three times, Father. I confess.

- What did you say?
- Three times, Father.

Three times.

With all the others that makes 21 times.

This senator is European champion.

- No, world champion.
- see.

This was much more than a dream.

But it was you, Father,
when you said the other evening,

"Remember that a hair shirt is
a little sacrifice offered to the Lord.”

Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Sister, it was more than
a little sacrifice.

You did a very different type
of penance.

But, Father, you said,

"Don't wake him when he's in a trance.

"If you do, he'll have a shock.”

I had to suffer
out of Christian charity, Father.

I thought I was doing a good deed.

Yes, I see! You did a very good deed.

To obey me. To hell with obedience!

Father, I want you
to hear my confession.

Closed because sold out of sins.

I want to know. Where is he?

With all due respect, Your Eminence,

Giacinto told me not to tell anybody.

Giacinto would make an exception for me.

This time he didn't.
He must have forgotten.

Reverend Father.

Don't tell me that you want him
to keep going round doing...

No, Your Eminence.

You perhaps know

that I have never agreed
with St Jerome or St Augustine.

This poor body suffers enough.

St Jerome and St Augustine
would be most dismayed.

Tell them and let me know.

But I need to let Giacinto know.

His head's in a muddle.

He thinks he's betrayed the Church
because he's pinched a few butts.

Allow me, Your Eminence,
to say, between you and me,

we've put Italy in the you-know-what.

I know very well what an effort
you're making to change the Church,

but I want to tell you something.

Before we can change it,
we have to save it.

Of course, Your Eminence.

Can't you see
that it's going to rack and ruin?

If we carry on like this,
turning a blind eye,

giving rights and freedom to any idiot
with a tongue in his mouth,

rest assured that everything
will end up completely fucked.

Nation, church, family, religion,
order, hierarchy, everything.

This is the road to disintegration.

But Giacinto...

can make everything all right again.
I understand.

- Of course.
- He would be a godsend.

And why not?

But this time, he'd be our man.

Raised by us
especially for this purpose.

- Like a battery chicken.
- Exactly.

This magnificent project
that has cost me years of hard work

is suddenly going to the dogs,
and for what reason?

Because of butts being groped.

The Lord's ways are infinite
and they spread to many places.

Be careful. You're in danger
of becoming a saint.

Heaven forbid, Your Eminence.
I don't have such ambitions.

Always first in the race for sainthood,
St Dominic used to say.

Hello.

Hello.

Yes, it's me.

What?

Again?

No, this time
he didn't just have a feel.

He did much more than that. Incredible.

What's incredible?

Is he cured or not?

- Is he cured or not?
- The jerk's cured.

I'm the one that's sick now.

What? Who's speaking?

Your Eminence, I kiss your hand.

Do you remember me? Father Scirer.

The senator came to me to be cured.

A brief but effective cure.

Of course. He's cured.
He's well, perfectly well.

In fact, he's so well
that he's gone back to Rome.

Sure? Yes, Your Eminence.

I kiss your feet, Your Eminence,
and your hands. I kiss everything.

Damn.

Disaster! Disaster!

My career is kaput.

But now I'll say to this senator,
to this son of a bitch,

that he must help me or I'm screwed.

At last.

Here's Carmelino.

That idiot always forgets his keys.

Carmel...

Father Scirer, what are you doing here?

21. 21. I'm ruined.

- I'm finished, done for.
- What are you doing?

What's wrong, Father?

I'm ill. Very ill.

Ruin, disaster. This is the end for me.

You didn't just have a dream, sir,

you actually did what you thought
you were dreaming.

What?

When all your instinctive forces
break free

after an excessively long period
of inhibition,

there is always, to use
the technical term, a real mess.

A real mess.

Father, could you explain this
a bit better?

- Here.
- No, I don't drink.

Last night you dishonored
my entire convent.

You used my nuns
to relieve your bestial instincts.

You dared to abuse 21 immaculate bodies.

21 bodies.

- 21.
- How did I do it?

Perhaps you had
a lot of catching up to do.

What's this idiot doing?

This is Carmelino.

21 immaculate bodies.

- Giacinto...
- 21 immaculate bodies!

Are you crazy? Open up!

Father Scirer.

- I get along well with my nuns.
- Father Scirer, come on.

- What's he doing?
- He mustn't see that I'm here.

He thinks you're cured.

He doesn't know anything.
He doesn't know about the 21 nuns.

Just as well.
That's something, at least.

If he finds out he'll send me to Korea.

Open up! Giacinto! Open up!

Come on, Giacinto! Get a move on!

Where shall I put him? In the shower.

I've got something important
to tell you.

These Dominicans are so heavy.

Stay here, Father. Don't move and,
above all, don't breathe a word.

Who's got any breath left, sir?

- Come on! Open up! I'm getting angry.
- I'm coming, Your Eminence.

I'm sorry, Your Eminence.
I wasn't dressed.

And how are you dressed now?
Like a chicken?

It's Republic Day.
I have to go to the Quirinal.

That's why I'm here.

To find out if you want to be
in the blessed Quirinal or not.

Of course I do. I've done everything
I can and I'm getting ready.

- Do you understand?
- Iunderstand. Torsello's winning.

For a moment ll even thought
about making a pact with him.

But the idiot's honest.

I'm sorry, Your Eminence,
but I had to go away because I was...

Because I had...

I know everything.

It's the worst thing
that could happen to me.

But it's not my fault, it's a...

an illness.

Giacinto, you've risked messing
everything up with this nonsense.

But now you're cured.

Completely cured.

I'm happy. It's all right.

And now that everything's back to normal

it's best not to mention
the subject any more.

I won't mention it again,
I promise you.

Now let's think about these gentlemen.

The important ones
can be counted on one hand.

The rest are like the balls
on an abacus.

They're all just a number.
Am I right, Giacinto?

As for the Italians,
they don't give a damn.

All they think about is football
and the San Remo festival.

Carmelino. Excuse me a moment,
Your Eminence.

- Carmelin...
- At last, sir.

I was beginning to worry.

I was calling all morning
but there was no answer.

I was afraid you'd forgotten
about the reception at the Quirinal.

But as you can see
I've organized the procession.

One minute.

Keep Cardinal Maravigli company.
I'm going to finish getting dressed.

Sir? There's nobody here.

What do you mean, nobody?

Where is he? Where could he have gone?

Oh, God, he's gone to the bathroom.

My heart... My heart...

Fornari was looking for you. And Senator
Torsello, yesterday and today.

The chief of police and General Brofferio
have called several times.

They both seemed very impatient.

Giacinto, Mr. President!
Come up here, I'm waiting for you.

Beautiful husband, come here.

Giacinto! Are you coming?

Come to mama.

Are you scared?
Come on, we'll have fun.

Come here, sir.

Handsome senator.

He's been riding me for 100 years,
but that's enough now. I want you.

Every year on June 2
a crowd of celebrities

is found in the magnificent gardens
of the presidential palace.

Here's Senator Puppis greeting
the diplomatic mission from China,

with whom we have
time-honored bonds of friendship.

Senator Puppis' face is tense

because of the worries
of this difficult political period

and because he is aware that he is
running against Senator Torsello,

whose hand he cordially shakes.

Senator Torsello is having
a friendly conversation

with the political secretary
of the party with the relative majority,

Senator Fornari.

You've almost won the fifth round.

You can catch your plane
without any worries.

I'll catch my plane
but nobody will stop me thinking

that you're about to shaft me.

The trumpet fanfare announces
the arrival of Amphitryon.

The guests gather round him

and offer him greetings.

The ceremony comes
to its most important part.

This meeting with the eminent man,
now at the end of his term in office,

today assumes...

It all has to happen to me.

Questions left, right and centre,
the police... What a day!

What's all this mess?
Look at that jacket.

What a state!

The senator must have come back.
Just as well. He can sort it out.

He's gone out again.
He's left the TV on.

It's the same old story. As soon as I turn
my back everything's topsy-turvy.

Look at this. Even his shoes.

If it's this messy here I dread to think
what state he's left the bathroom in.

If he's had a shower
there will be water all over the floor.

There's even a monk.
What's he doing, sleeping?

He's dead. Holy Madonna!

We foreigners don't grasp
some of the subtleties

of your political speeches.

Really?

- Who is he?
- The French ambassador.

For example, your recent pronouncements
on the dollar crisis

were rather obscure.

Would you mind clarifying them?

- Who, me?
- Yes. You are an eminent economist.

Yes, of course.

It's very simple.

Considering the Italian
economic situation,

delicate but undoubtedly fertile
with positive developments,

I see...

Unfortunately I see...

Oh, God. What can I see?

I see that the dollar is in
crisis, certainly, but...

it is a stable crisis

because it doesn't cover...

I should say that it covers very little and
it is too low.

The framework of convergence...
A very interesting framework, since...

They have political maturity

even if the convergence
has to adapt to the dollar

to cover...

- My wife.
- Better that way.

It's insufficient to cover
the whole financial field

given the tension of the new balances.

Clearer than that...

Pardon my curiosity, Sir.

I haven't quite understood. Maybe...

it's a question of language.

Right. Perhaps... language.

Yes, but...

ll don't understand your thoughts
on the crisis.

My husband and I
often talk about the dollar.

Can't you see?

If you come with me I'll show you.

- Will you?
- Happily.

May 1?
Excuse us, it's a very delicate matter.

Come, Madam, I will explain it to you.

- Sir, my husband...
- Don't worry. You'll explain later.

Come, come.

Are you sure you want to know
all my thoughts?

- Sure.
- Good. In such case...

This way.

- Where?
- In that bush.

Nobody will disturb us. Come on.

But, Sir, I don't think we should...

What are you doing?

Ambassador.

- Not that.
- What's that for?

Sir!

Ambassador!

Vive la France!

Senator, I need to speak to you.
It's urgent.

It's a matter of national importance that
has to be dealt with now.

Every detail has been considered, Senator.

Exactly three hours and 20 minutes
after zero hour

the operation will begin.

We will take over the radio
and television networks,

the post office, the railways
and the main ministries,

finance, internal affairs
and the treasury.

- Treasure!
- What do you say, sir?

The treasury, sir.

Is that all?

That's all, sir.
It's a very quick operation.

Sir, perhaps I didn't make myself clear.
Is something the matter?

Damn!
This is real pornography.

Thank you.

The senator needs to know.

Dead. I found him dead in the bathroom.
I need to tell the senator.

You have to tell whom?
You have to tell the senator?

You have to tell me. Just me.

This is our business.

A dead monk in the bathroom?
It's unhygienic.

We need to act, not talk. Come on.
Get a move on.

It's the truth. Why are you doing this?

- Tell me where you're taking me.
- Shut up.

- Where are we going?
- To canonize the Dominican.

Are you listening to me or not, Senator?

We've got a list of arrests we'll make.
Precautions, you understand.

Would you like to take a look, sir?

It's a complete list. Leaders
of the opposition parties, anarchists...

- The prefects are with us.
- The prefects? Why?

Senator, please listen to me. Wait.

It's a historic event for our nation.
We'll wait for your order.

Senator, are you leaving us like this...

It looks like
we're being taken for a ride.

With 20,000 men and 200 tanks in
the Eternal City for the June 2 procession

we can do it on our own, damn it.

Please stop talking your usual nonsense,
Colonel.

Yes, sir.

It's time to put an end to the puppets.

We need to speak to the puppeteer.

Right. Who would that be, the puppeteer?

The cops are watching us.

Scirer.

Beautiful words,

but would you be kind enough
to tell me what you want from me?

The situation
calls for drastic intervention.

My dear fellows,
consider how things are going

in our... your beloved country.

A good father who loves his sons
can only hope for them to repent.

You know that we are impartial.

If the Church is consulted it can
give advice but only if this is legal.

It cannot intervene
if it is against the law.

Your Eminence, I didn't mean anything
outside the boundaries of the law.

But on the other hand I can't deny

that we look favorably
upon the election of Senator Puppis

to the highest office of state.

Perhaps you gentlemen don't agree.

No, it's right. He's the man we need.
I've always said so.

However, we must recognize, my dear
friends, that the current situation...

Your Eminence.

Bardolino.

.That the situation that has arisen
over the election of the president

makes us a little worried.

The nomination of Puppis
has created a lot of obstacles.

That Senator Torsello, for example.

Make no mistake,
he's a first-class person,

a very worthy man, I don't deny it,
a secular...

Your Emi...

Excuse me.

In here?

Excuse me, fellows.
I'll be back very soon.

Excuse me.

Go away, Bardolino.

Did you canonize Father Scirer as well?

No, Your Eminence, I promise you.
He canonized himself.

Canonization by heart attack.

We just got rid of the traces.

He is being worshipped in Ireland.

Your Eminence...

A woman's knickers.

- Black.
- With red ribbons.

Who do they belong to?

What's all this about?
Something to do with Father Scirer?

No... Giacinto had them.

Giacinto. Where is he?

At the reception.

We're screwed.

Cured? He's worse than he was before.

Giacinto doesn't feel up
clothed butts any more.

They're not enough for him now.
He wants more.

This is dangerous for all of us,
the Church and the nation.

Go to him at once. Hurry.

Stay by his side. Watch him.
Keep hold of him if you need to.

He must not do
any more stupid things.

Go on. I'll be there soon.

I'll go at once, Your Eminence.

- Bardolino!
- Yes, Your Eminence.

What am I supposed to do with it?

What do you think it is, a hat?
Burn it!

Where on earth did he go?

This will be Carmelino.

Or maybe Scirer's come back.

What brings you
to this part of the world, Sister?

You have the audacity to ask me this?

I almost broke the car to get to you.

It's your fault that I'm here.

You understand?
You've dishonored the whole convent.

Please believe me, Sister,
it's not my fault.

I wasn't aware what I was doing.

You know about my sickness.
A diabolical force urged me, urges me...

I'm not in control of my desire.

Perhaps you aren't completely guilty

because you're sick,
very sick, you poor thing.

When you were in a trance
you didn't understand.

But the reality is
that you've got me into big trouble.

Now you must help me.

Me?

How can I, Sister? I can't.

Now you must repay me.

Sister, if I repay you
I have to repay all the others.

I can't marry all of you...

Not marry me! That night
I remained immaculate and a virgin.

A virgin?

Aren't you pleased?

Why not?

You abused everybody except me.

This is a very serious problem for me.
You must help me.

I'd love to, but don't pretend to...

You should be ashamed. How can you
think such a horrible thing?

I didn't think...

You have put great temptation
in my body.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,
I can't pray any more.

I have a great temptation that
won't let me live.

- You must free me from this torment.
- How?

I've tried everything but it's no use.

Look. I'm even wearing a hair shirt.

It's a nice hair shirt.

Yes, but it's no use.

Look at the hair shirt.

Cover yourself, please. Cover yourself.

You don't realize that I've got
the same problem. Go away.

Go away. Go away.

I know, I know.

But you shouldn't ignore it.

You are strong.

You looked at our bodies

and tried to feel disgust, revulsion,
didn't you?

Yes. I'm disgusted. Disgusted.

I'll help you and you can help me.

Do you agree?

How would I know?

The hair shirt's really uncomfortable.
I'm shaking all over.

Here.

Now you whip me.

And then I'll whip you.

But do you think...

Now you whip me
until my body is covered in sores

and you feel disgusted.

And then I'll whip you
and be disgusted with you.

Whip me.

I can't. I can't, Sister. It's cruel.

I feel ill.

- I feel ill.
- Puppis!

- I need help. Open the door, I beg you.
- I can't.

I've got to resist. I've got to resist.

I can't give in.

Puppis!

She's calling.

I'm being tempted,
can't you understand?

You disgust me. I hate you!

How can I get rid of these thoughts
in my head, my body?

Yes, the whip. The whip. I need it.

Fuck, that hurt.

No, I'll never be your victim.

I beg you, leave me in peace.
I can't let myself be ruined.

Leave me in peace.

I beg you, remove the temptation.

You're right. Let's pray together.

Maybe he'll come.

He? Who is he?

Perhaps you're not praying to him.

Sister...

Sister, I beg you, go away.
I'm sick and you know it.

The flesh is weak.

I can't bear it any longer.
I can't bear it.

- We're disgraceful.
- Really disgraceful.

I feel like a worm.

I'm an apple. The worm enters the apple.

The worm enters the apple.

Listen to the bells.
They are saying farewell to purity.

That's not bells. It's the doorbell.

- The doorbell? Oh, God, who can it be?
- Who can it be?

- Carmelino.
- Who's Carmelino?

- Sir, let me kiss your hand.
- Jesus.

Damn!

What are you doing?
Why don't you open the door?

- Senator!
- Go away. Disappear.

If they find us together,
we're finished. Go away.

You're my destiny now.

Yes, I know. Are you going to cry now?

But I'm going to be president.
Do you understand?

You can't be an obstacle for me.

But... My head's spinning.

I don't understand anything any more.

Satan. You're Satan.

Satan.

But I'm not going to surrender.

Get back, Satan. Go away.

Get back. Go.

What do I mean, get back? Stop.

- My little Satan.
- Puppis.

Open your eyes so I can fall into them.

You are my destiny.

- Who cares about the rest?
- We don't care.

We don't care.

- Senator!
- Come on.

We need to use force. Come on.

Damn. They've gone out.

They've left us looking
like a load of jerks.

He's stubborn, that one.

He's canonizing all of them.

While supersonic planes
shoot across the sky,

the great June 2 parade
of men and vehicles begins.

An impressive crowd
has gathered behind the barriers

to witness this demonstration

of our country's progress
in the field of national defense.

The holders of the highest offices
of state are present on the balcony.

The only one missing is Senator Puppis,

who, suffering from
a slight indisposition,

sent the following telegram
to the head of state.

"Unable to participate. Splendid show.

"Our armed forces participate
in the spirit that animates the show,

"awakening great pride
in the Italian people.”

Did you write this telegram?

Wait a minute.

Here are the motorized troops,
perfectly aligned.

Me? This is model 14a used for
absence from national celebrations.

In a military style.
In a military style.

Who cares about telegrams?

Please let me see the soldiers.

I love soldiers.

Don't act like a German. Make love.

A band!

One, two, one, two...

That's Turchetti. What's he doing there?

Wasn't he too ill to vote?

Good, Senator Turchetti.

He will pay for this.

What's that?

- A missile.
- A missile?

Wonderful!

Your Eminence, they've been
locked in Room 7 since last night.

He's a real Sicilian man.

- Don Gesualdo.
- He hasn't even eaten.

What are we doing
celebrating Sicilian masculinity?

Let's go. No bungling.

Let's go, boys, and save our nation.

- Who is it?
- Breakfast, ma'am.

It's you. I couldn't find you.

Come here next to me, my little Satan.

My little Satan? Has it come to this?

You, Your Eminence?

So Satan's become a term of endearment?

Anything's possible
after the ecumenical council.

Get up, get dressed and come with me.

- Hurry up.
- One moment, Your Eminence.

If you intend to give me one
of your usual sermons against women,

I'm warning you
that I'm not in the mood for listening.

There.

What did you say?

Yes, and I'm warning you that
I intend to retire from political life.

What?

Look, Your Eminence, I've realized
that a political career is important,

but there are
so many other things that...

What other things?

What other things?

Have you gone crazy?

Your brain's been addled
by a whore of a woman.

A political career
may not interest you any more,

but it interests us, right?

Get that into your head.

Calm down, Your Eminence.

The point is that I'm not
the person I was before.

I don't give a fuck about that.

Do what you want.
But you can't ruin us because of your...

I know. It seems a trivial reason
in the light of such great matters.

But it's important for me, believe me.

Giacinto, you can't
just drop everything.

You're up to your neck in it.

And remember,
when we made a career for you

we used false records.

I do have personal merits too.

What merits?

You'd be nothing without me.

We've done all kinds of vote-rigging
and electoral fraud for you, Giacinto,

and you know it.

- I don't know anything.
- Don't be such a Jesuit.

You're talking to me, Giacinto,
not to some stupid shop assistant.

You know about all these things.

OK, I know about them.

One act of blackmail for another.

You want a president? Good.

You will have the biggest pimp
in Italy's history for president.

I'll eclipse the fame of the
Gentleman King, the acts of the Duce.

Unfortunately we don't have a choice.

Do what you want once you're president.

Turn the palace into a brothel
if you like.

But first you have to become president

and in order to be elected
you have to do what I say.

I'll do what I say.

What are you saying? You've always been
a puppet in my hands.

Until yesterday, Your Eminence.
Until yesterday.

Today I'm cured.

I'm no longer the puppet who hated women
as you taught me to.

I'm no longer the kid
who was bewitched by your words.

All right, all right.

If you say that you're cured,
come with me.

- Where?
- To church, to pray.

Carmelino.

This is St Proculus, Giacinto.

A great saint who spent his whole life
consoling those close to him.

Look at him. Look, Giacinto.

He's a martyr.

He's the great saint of the afflicted who
helps those who pray to him.

Don't you like him?

Now come. Come, my son.

Come on, Giacinto. Get up. Get up.

Look. Don't be afraid.

Perhaps you prefer this saint.

This is St Dominic of Guzman.

He was the founder
of the Dominican order.

- He was a great enemy of heresy.
- Lucion.

- But these are...
- They're saints.

Protectors of Italy.

Look at them all while you're praying,
Giacinto,

because their sacrifice
should not have been in vain.

Their sacrifice,
like that of all the other saints here,

should serve you, my son.

You. To help you.

If you want to go on,
and if you want to turn back,

this should be an example to you.

Well, Giacinto, what shall we do?

I'm ready to do whatever you want.

- With just one hope.
- What?

That you will soon become a saint
just as you deserve.

All right. Now we can go. As you wish.

But it's going to be hard
to beat Torsello now.

All we can do is trust in Providence
with our hearts and souls.

The whole nation mourns

the unexpected, tragic death
of the great politician

who seemed destined to achieve

the greatest recognition
of his long and intense life

spent serving his ideals
of liberty and democracy,

which are the foundation
of our progress as citizens.

The funeral Mass was said
by His Eminence Cardinal Maravigli,

a great friend and admirer
of the deceased.

Here we see him deep in prayer

before giving absolution
to the carefully reconstructed body.

The most important political figures
of our country were all present

to pay their respects
to a loyal and honest man.

I always said that sooner or later
you'd have shafted me.

What's happening with Camera Two?

The new president is very religious.

Three, two, one...

Italians,

as I prepare to take on
this very high office,

to which I have been called
by Parliament,

my hope, my wish, my unerring desire

is to bring about broader and more
complete social and political progress

in our national community.

I want to repeat
that democracy means freedom

but also conscience,
responsibility, risk.

There's a Risk. Very good.

A round of applause for Mr. Antonio Gazza
who's playing for a million lire.

Think very carefully before answering.

Remember that the whole of Italy
is hanging on your every word.

Have a good look
and tell me the name of this singer...

Iva Zanicchi.

Iva Zanicchi. Very good.

THE END