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1
00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:05,100
- ♪ And I love you so ♪
2
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,300
- When one experiences
a mildly-traumatic event...
3
00:00:08,400 --> 00:00:10,140
[retching]
4
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,520
I think it pertinent
to bury oneself in one's work.
5
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,980
Here we have
Bacillus anthracis.
6
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,100
Very much like
Bordetella pertussis,
7
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,860
it forms
a calmodulin-dependent
8
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,380
adenylate cyclase toxin
known as--
9
00:00:23,480 --> 00:00:24,780
[gasps]
10
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,340
A presence
was making itself felt.
11
00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,380
A djinn?
A ghoul?
12
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,340
Hmm, an undergrad?
13
00:00:31,440 --> 00:00:34,340
[uneasy music]
14
00:00:34,440 --> 00:00:41,000
♪ ♪
15
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,780
- Knock, knock.
16
00:00:44,880 --> 00:00:47,060
[dynamic rock music]
17
00:00:47,160 --> 00:00:49,380
♪ ♪
18
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,540
- How did you--
19
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:52,820
Listen, I told you.
20
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,540
I'm not gonna play
in your group.
21
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,700
- We're not in a group.
Fucking hell, we're in a band.
22
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,180
- Think The Clash
meets Dickless,
23
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,620
with a lashing of dead Barbie.
24
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,780
- But a bit shit.
- Yet totally unique.
25
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,820
- We cordially invite you
to be in our band.
26
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,900
- Why?
You saw what happened.
27
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,100
- Puke aside,
we think you're good...
28
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,180
- Ish.
29
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,260
- Plus, bodily fluids
30
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,460
are less frowned upon in punk.
31
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,060
- Punk?
No, sorry, I can't.
32
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,780
- We know what you want.
- What?
33
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,140
- "Microbiology PhD student
looking for male,
34
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,020
"medium to devout Muslim,
enjoys mini golf
35
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,660
and stimulating conversation."
36
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,700
- Oh, you're reaching.
- Reaching for the "D."
37
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,380
- No, no, I'm looking
for a husband to settle...
38
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,900
- To settle on to some "D."
39
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,420
- Juvenile.
- Yup.
40
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,300
- Listen, audition with us
for Sound Smash,
41
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,580
and Ayesha will set you up
with her brother.
42
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,100
You know Ahsan?
- Sound--what?
43
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,300
Wait, Ahsan is--
is your brother?
44
00:01:43,400 --> 00:01:45,140
[romantic music]
45
00:01:45,240 --> 00:01:46,580
♪ ♪
46
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,820
I'm aware of him, yes.
47
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,260
- What do you say?
48
00:01:51,360 --> 00:01:54,260
[upbeat rock music]
49
00:01:54,360 --> 00:01:55,900
♪ ♪
50
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,580
- We struck a deal.
51
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,420
The die was cast.
52
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,580
The terms, simple.
53
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,340
I would audition
with Lady Parts
54
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,420
for this
Sound Smash competition,
55
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,620
some battle of the bands
type thing,
56
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,620
in exchange
for a meeting with Ahsan.
57
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,300
Simple as pie.
58
00:02:13,400 --> 00:02:14,980
♪ ♪
59
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,900
- Hey, it's Ahsan,
Ayesha's bro.
60
00:02:19,000 --> 00:02:21,500
[romantic music]
61
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,460
I was wondering
if you wanted to go for dinner
62
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,540
on Wednesday night, maybe?
63
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,340
Yeah, cool.
Bye.
64
00:02:29,440 --> 00:02:33,240
♪ ♪
65
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,060
- Nice one.
Well played.
66
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,740
- It's warm
with a hint of pathetic.
67
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,220
Winning strategy.
68
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,900
- I don't understand
why I have to do this.
69
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,940
- You wrecked her vehicle,
you owe her.
70
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,540
- It was barely even a scratch.
71
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:47,860
- She ain't gonna shut up
until you've done it,
72
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,020
so for both of our sakes,
dine this loser.
73
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,940
- She seems interesting.
74
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,020
Not my usual type.
75
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,540
- Oh, sorry,
76
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,200
we're fresh out
of manipulative narcissists.
77
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,140
- You'll like Amina.
She's...cool.
78
00:03:02,240 --> 00:03:04,420
- [chortles]
79
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,260
- ♪ And I love you so ♪
80
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,060
♪ The people ask me how ♪
81
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,180
♪ How I used to live ♪
82
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:20,260
♪ I tell them I don't know ♪
83
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:21,500
♪ And yes, I know ♪
84
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:22,980
- Great, okay.
85
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,660
Okay, you know what?
86
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,940
Why don't you just play along
with one of our songs?
87
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,380
Lyrics and chords all there.
88
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,140
Let's do "Voldemort
Under My Headscarf."
89
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,380
- Oh, uh, sorry.
Sorry.
90
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,580
Did you say "Voldemort
Under My Headscarf?"
91
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,380
- Yeah, you got a problem
with my lyrics?
92
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,600
- Your lyrics?
93
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,220
No.
[laughs]
94
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,540
No, not at all.
Uh, I get it.
95
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,140
It's--it's just, um, I'm not
sure people will get it.
96
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,860
- Hmm?
- What do you mean?
97
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,900
- I don't know, uh, some people
might find it offensive.
98
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,540
- Well, fuck people
in their eye sockets.
99
00:03:59,640 --> 00:04:00,900
- [whimpers softly]
100
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,540
- We all contribute
to songwriting,
101
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,060
so why don't you give us
an idea of lyrics
102
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,180
that work for you?
103
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,660
- Yeah, okay.
Sure, um, okay.
104
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,260
So, uh, maybe instead of
105
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,020
"Voldemort under my headscarf,"
106
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,100
you could do
"I love to wear my headscarf,"
107
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,500
you know, less...
[grunts]
108
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:21,900
more...yay!
I don't know.
109
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,700
Yeah, maybe?
110
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,540
So like, maybe...
111
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,660
♪ I love to wear my headscarf ♪
112
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,220
- The lyrics!
The lyrics!
113
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,420
- Calm down!
- She's dead!
114
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,620
- Are you mad?
115
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,180
- Despite my rocky start
116
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,900
to band practice,
I was feeling fine,
117
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,340
'cause I had a date
with Ahsan.
118
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,860
- Oh, wow.
- I know.
119
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,140
- And he messaged you
on the app?
120
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,940
- Yes.
Yep, on the app.
121
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,140
I couldn't tell Nora
about Lady Parts.
122
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,620
She already thought
me teaching guitar
123
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,140
wasn't entirely appropriate.
124
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,380
- Wow.
125
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,180
- I mean,
it's only a first date.
126
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,780
- Uh, first meeting.
127
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,980
- Sorry.
Yes, first meeting.
128
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,700
- What does he study again?
129
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,900
- He's doing a masters
in anthropology.
130
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,900
Ooh, and he's a black belt
in jiujitsu.
131
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,740
Although from his voice note
he sounds like a pacifist,
132
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,260
like he would only fight
in self-defence,
133
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,460
besieged on all sides,
or to protect my honour.
134
00:05:19,560 --> 00:05:22,460
[tango music]
135
00:05:22,560 --> 00:05:29,560
♪ ♪
136
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,820
- You should wear pastel,
a light blue or green hijab,
137
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,900
elegant and fun,
but not too fun.
138
00:05:46,000 --> 00:05:47,140
[gasps]
139
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,220
You should totally pair it
140
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:49,780
with that nude lip I got you.
141
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,700
- Um, I was thinking of wearing
the red hijab
142
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,340
and pairing it
with the pink lip.
143
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,020
The red is my lucky hijab,
so I--
144
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,300
- I'm telling you,
do not wear the red.
145
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,540
Brings out your shame.
146
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,700
- Oh.
147
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,140
- I don't know she's, like,
148
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,700
pure potential,
you know what I mean?
149
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,380
She's just, like, mad skilful,
150
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,300
but doesn't really know it,
a total freak,
151
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,820
but in a really normal
person way, you know?
152
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,420
- Yeah, yeah, totally.
She's like really deep,
153
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,060
but in a shallow way.
154
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,340
And she's got lots of width
and breadth going on,
155
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,740
like angles, angles, angles.
156
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,740
It's all about the angles.
- Fuck you.
157
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,500
- I'm sorry.
It's just...
158
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,460
I'm jealous of this
Amina person, man.
159
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,460
She's clearly got you
all hot and bothered.
160
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:30,940
- Oh, no.
[sniffles]
161
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,060
You're the only person
who could do that.
162
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,420
- Okay, okay.
163
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,860
Yeah, but Amina, Amina,
I love you--
164
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,180
- Oh, shut up!
- Saira was convinced
165
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,820
that I was the missing link,
166
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,340
but the others, not so much.
167
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,800
- Salaams, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
168
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,700
Okay.
Meeting is now in session.
169
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,600
- What's going on?
- Why you being all secretive?
170
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,540
- We need to talk
band strategy.
171
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,820
Saira is our great leader
and front-woman,
172
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,100
so we've got to entertain
her fanciful ideas,
173
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,980
but we all know this
Amina thing isn't gonna fly
174
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,420
if we wanna get into
Sound Smash.
175
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,380
- And what were you thinking?
176
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,540
- Lady Parts online presence.
177
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,140
- Have you asked Saira
about this?
178
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,820
- No, not yet.
179
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,260
But anyway, I'm the band
manager, not Saira.
180
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,740
It's up to me to get us some
profile and get us some gigs.
181
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,140
So yeah, we're...
182
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,780
we're going online.
183
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,820
- Auntie Saira is going
to be angry.
184
00:07:29,920 --> 00:07:32,780
[gentle guitar music]
185
00:07:32,880 --> 00:07:36,960
♪ ♪
186
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,460
- There is more to life
than husbands, you know?
187
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,820
- Ma, please,
I'm not in the mood.
188
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,500
- You know, I mean,
you go chasing
189
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,700
all these serious brothers,
but do you ever think
190
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,820
for a second,
will they care for your needs?
191
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:51,340
- What?
- You know, in the bedroom,
192
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,700
your feminine requirements,
wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
193
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,900
- Okay, this is inappropriate,
grossly inappropriate.
194
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,180
- It is my parental duty
to talk openly
195
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,340
about the bees and the trees.
- Mm, no.
196
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,100
No, it's not, Ma,
no one's parents do that.
197
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,140
- Well, I won't be blamed
then if you run off to Syria
198
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,780
to marry a jihadi because
we didn't have "the talk."
199
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,980
- If I ever run off to Syria
to marry a jihadi,
200
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,260
it'll be because I ran away
from you.
201
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,620
- No.
202
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,980
- Who's marrying a jihadi?
- [sighs]
203
00:08:16,080 --> 00:08:18,980
[light music]
204
00:08:19,080 --> 00:08:24,020
♪ ♪
205
00:08:24,120 --> 00:08:25,340
[exhales deeply]
206
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,020
[sniffs]
Okay.
207
00:08:27,120 --> 00:08:30,660
♪ ♪
208
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,460
Hi.
- Hi.
209
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,580
- Oh, that's really nice.
Thank you.
210
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,060
- No worries.
211
00:08:38,160 --> 00:08:41,060
[faint ambient music playing]
212
00:08:41,160 --> 00:08:43,780
- [clears throat]
213
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,340
- So have you come from far?
214
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,300
- No, just, you know,
White Chapel Way.
215
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,260
He was even more ravishing
in the flesh.
216
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,660
- I think I saw you
at the fundraiser.
217
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:53,660
- We don't have
to talk about that.
218
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,760
- Sure.
219
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,740
- So, uh, where are you from?
220
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,740
- Where am I from?
221
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,500
That's a big question,
you know?
222
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,140
Where am I from, from?
Where am I from, from?
223
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,100
- I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to--
224
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,580
I know that's really annoying.
225
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,100
- I-I'm just messing.
- Right.
226
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,900
Funny.
[giggles]
227
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,580
- Uh, originally from Iraq.
- Oh.
228
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,300
A descendant
of Babylonian kings, no less.
229
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,060
- But I grew up
in Shepherd's Bush.
230
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,660
- Huh.
- I'm a West London boy.
231
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,540
- Who knew three simple words
232
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,980
could cause
such netherward stirring?
233
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,220
West London boy.
234
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,740
- You go to Queen Mary's too.
- Mm-hmm.
235
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,780
- I don't think
I've seen you around.
236
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,540
- Mmm, no.
237
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,980
Um, I haven't really
clocked you either, ever.
238
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,380
- Ayesha mentioned you're doing
a PhD in microbiology.
239
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,180
- Yeah.
Yes, I am.
240
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,660
It sounds really dry,
doesn't it?
241
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,800
- I think it's cool.
242
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,380
What's your area?
243
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,420
- Pathogen activity.
244
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,980
I think humanity has
greatly underestimated
245
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,580
the clout of the microbe.
246
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,940
- "The Clout of the Microbe,"
what a great film.
247
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,460
- What?
248
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,300
- It was a bad joke.
249
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,940
- Humour.
250
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,360
It's--
[laughs awkwardly]
251
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,140
So, uh, how's the, um,
anthropology going?
252
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,660
- Uh, good.
Thanks.
253
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,180
I'm currently looking at
tribalism
254
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,140
and pack mentality
in the modern man.
255
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,380
- This sounds fascinating.
- I think it is.
256
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:21,540
- Marry me.
257
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,940
- Should we order?
- I do.
258
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,240
I mean, we should, yeah.
259
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,340
He's just so beautiful.
260
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,860
How is it possible?
I don't understand.
261
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,740
- Okay.
Keep it together, soldier.
262
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,620
Pretty isn't everything.
- Mm-hmm.
263
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,420
- Pretty doesn't pay the bills.
Pretty doesn't feed the kids.
264
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,820
- Yeah.
- Now, listen.
265
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,500
If you wanna close the deal,
266
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,260
you need to show him
you ain't putty in his hands.
267
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,900
You've got criteria.
268
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,060
- I do?
269
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,900
- It's really tasty.
- Yeah, super yum.
270
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,580
Uh, so, um, question.
271
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,900
Uh, what sort of thing
are you looking for?
272
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,580
- Looking for?
273
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,860
- Uh, seeking, apropos of
potential persons of interest.
274
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,140
- You mean romantically?
- Sure.
275
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,100
- I don't know.
276
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,060
I guess I'm just looking to
meet like-minded individuals
277
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,980
and see how it goes.
278
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,580
- Are you open
to further developments,
279
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,340
vis-à-vis meeting
like-minded individuals?
280
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,820
- I don't understand.
- Marriage.
281
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,540
Are you--are you fond
of the concept?
282
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,260
Obvs, I'm not just saying
that we, you know...
283
00:11:22,360 --> 00:11:23,540
[laughs]
284
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,020
General thoughts welcome.
285
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,900
- I mean...
286
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,100
I have not hitherto sought
any nuptial arrangements
287
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,860
given my current
academic engagements.
288
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,220
- Oh, sure.
289
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,700
- But I don't find
the institution
290
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,740
morally objectionable
or anything.
291
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,580
You?
292
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,300
- Me, marriage?
Yeah, big fan.
293
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,340
Obvs, not like an intense...
- [yells]
294
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,980
- Kind of way--
like, in a yeah, one day, soon.
295
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,260
Yeah.
Yeah.
296
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:57,460
More chicken?
297
00:11:57,560 --> 00:12:00,240
- [growling]
298
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,740
- So how do you think
that date's going?
299
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,140
- Fuck knows.
300
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,100
She might have proposed
to him by now.
301
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,220
She's going in for a husband.
It's kind of intense.
302
00:12:11,320 --> 00:12:12,780
- [chuckles]
303
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,460
I mean, what's wrong with
wanting to get married?
304
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,260
- For one, marriage
was invented by men
305
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,540
as a way of making alliances
with other men.
306
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,020
"Here, marry my daughter
and I'll give you
307
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,340
a couple of camels
and this cheese bread."
308
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,020
- Cheese bread?
309
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,580
- It's a tool
of the patriarchy.
310
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,100
That's just my opinion.
311
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,900
People should do
what they like.
312
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,380
- What do you think about us?
313
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,980
- Us?
314
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,780
- Yeah, it's been
six months of this,
315
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,420
and I'd like us to be official.
316
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,700
- Official, huh?
Official how?
317
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,140
- Dating.
318
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,140
I mean,
official capacity dating.
319
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,660
- Okay.
Then what?
320
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,300
What then post-official
capacity dating?
321
00:12:54,400 --> 00:12:56,340
[ominous music playing]
322
00:12:56,440 --> 00:12:58,960
- [screams]
323
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:03,440
- It's impossible to have
a conversation with you.
324
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,680
- You gotta be
fucking kidding.
325
00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,760
- [shrieks]
326
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,060
- Um, I had fun.
327
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,180
My bus stop is just...
over yonder.
328
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,940
- Yonder, that's funny.
- [laughs]
329
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,940
- I bid you adieu.
- Oh!
330
00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,260
[uplifting music]
331
00:13:29,360 --> 00:13:31,380
♪ ♪
332
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,500
I wasn't sure physical contact
333
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,740
was entirely appropriate,
334
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,020
but brazenly, I went for it.
335
00:13:38,120 --> 00:13:39,380
[horn honks]
336
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,980
Oh, okay.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
337
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,860
- Bye!
338
00:13:43,960 --> 00:13:45,000
- [breathes deeply]
339
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:46,740
The evening's events
340
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,340
played in my mind,
341
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,500
repetitious
in nightmarish Technicolor.
342
00:13:51,600 --> 00:13:53,420
[lively music]
343
00:13:53,520 --> 00:13:55,020
[horn honks]
344
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,340
Every little stupid thing
I said and did
345
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,140
ripping into my retina
with violent glee until...
346
00:14:01,240 --> 00:14:03,240
[cell phone chimes]
347
00:14:16,360 --> 00:14:17,340
[gasps softly]
348
00:14:17,440 --> 00:14:19,440
[squeals softly]
349
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,120
- Oh, shit.
350
00:14:37,800 --> 00:14:39,800
[sighs]
351
00:14:43,760 --> 00:14:45,760
[sighs deeply]
352
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,340
- How'd it go?
What happened?
353
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,900
- Spill your guts.
354
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,380
- He was really nice and kind.
355
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,100
He thinks I'm cool.
356
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,060
He hoped I got home okay.
357
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,300
And he wants to hang out again!
358
00:14:58,400 --> 00:14:59,780
[all scream]
359
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,740
This all felt really,
really good.
360
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,340
Sad and lonely spinster
no more.
361
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,620
Desirable male hoped
I got home okay.
362
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,500
- You should totally invite
Ahsan to my engagement party.
363
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,060
- Really?
It's still pretty early.
364
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,980
- Babe, it's fine, you met him
on the marriage app.
365
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,300
He knows the deal.
366
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,820
I'll speak to Imran,
367
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,700
but I'm sure
he'll be cool with it.
368
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,660
- Okay!
[all scream]
369
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,960
- [snoring]
- How'd it go?
370
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:30,820
- Can I get
some privacy please?
371
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,300
- No.
- How'd it go?
372
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,560
- She's nice.
- So do you fancy her?
373
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,780
- She's not really my type.
She's intense.
374
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:41,980
- You friend-zoned her, yeah?
375
00:15:42,080 --> 00:15:44,560
[cell phone buzzes]
376
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,780
- She's inviting me
to an engagement party.
377
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,140
- Guess not, then.
- You've gotta go.
378
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,340
- He can't go.
That'd be leading her on.
379
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,700
- You just don't want her
in the band.
380
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,060
- No, I just think
it's fucking wrong
381
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,380
to deceive her like that.
382
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,540
Even massive dweebs
have rights, man.
383
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,180
- Maybe lead her
on just a little,
384
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,980
until we audition
for Sound Smash.
385
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,580
- Hold on, no.
That's cold.
386
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:07,940
Saira, no wonder Abdullah's
387
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,220
on the verge
of a mental breakdown.
388
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,540
You're fucking heartless.
389
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,580
Friend-zone her.
390
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,320
- I'm not heartless, am I?
391
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,520
- Guys, do you mind?
392
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:28,760
[dog barking]
393
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,460
- Ow.
- There.
394
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,380
We're official.
395
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,800
I've just officiated us
into...officialdom.
396
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,320
- Okay.
397
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,700
- All right.
I'm gonna fuck off now.
398
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,120
- Bye, girlfriend.
Love you!
399
00:16:54,960 --> 00:16:57,060
[chuckles]
400
00:16:57,160 --> 00:16:59,940
[rock music]
401
00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:03,340
♪ ♪
402
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,860
- What's going on?
403
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,380
We don't start
for another hour.
404
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,140
- We just wanted to have
a little parlay.
405
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,080
Why don't you sit down?
406
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,180
- Go on then, parlay.
407
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,540
- Lady Parts
is officially online.
408
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,060
I've put band profiles up
on Facebook, Twitter--
409
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,180
- You did what?
- This is not a dictatorship.
410
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,340
- Come on, what's the harm
in trying social media?
411
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,980
We tried your Amina thing.
412
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,180
- How many times do we have
to go through this?
413
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,300
The Internet is where
creativity and truth go to die.
414
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,380
- Ugh.
- [sighs]
415
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,980
- If you put our music online,
416
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,060
it'll be ripped off
by "insert corporation here"
417
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,260
to sell Pop-Tarts and iPads,
418
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,580
to fentanyl-sniffing infants
with the sole purpose
419
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,860
of lining the pockets
of Silicon Valley technocrats.
420
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,620
Fuck that!
- Yeah, fuck that!
421
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,740
- Bro, seriously.
- No, I'm sorry.
422
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,300
- Listen, we'll audition.
We'll get in.
423
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,660
And we'll find our audience
by playing.
424
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,940
We'll take our music
to the people the purest way.
425
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,100
- Well, you don't get
to the audition
426
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,660
if you can't pull a crowd.
427
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,540
We need a following.
428
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,020
- No.
Take us off now.
429
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,660
- We've already got
30 followers.
430
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,380
Look at them.
They're us.
431
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,060
Younger us's when
we didn't even know
432
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,120
Peeps suckers even existed.
433
00:18:15,120 --> 00:18:18,020
[upbeat rock music]
434
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:19,780
♪ ♪
435
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,020
- This is temporary.
436
00:18:22,120 --> 00:18:24,580
♪ ♪
437
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,540
- As the days went by,
438
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,140
news of my successful match
with the Ahsan spread rapidly.
439
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,860
Every sister and their sheikh
knew about it.
440
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,180
I was no longer
a washed-up loser.
441
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,580
I was a woman in her power.
442
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,820
And a woman in her power walks
443
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,860
with a certain bossy swagger.
444
00:18:42,960 --> 00:18:45,700
[cell phone rings]
445
00:18:45,800 --> 00:18:51,540
♪ ♪
446
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,580
- Hey, I'm sorry,
should have been clear.
447
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,420
I really like you, but just,
you know, as a friend.
448
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,820
Probably not a great idea
to come
449
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,380
to your friend's
engagement party.
450
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,420
It was great to meet you.
451
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,460
It's Ahsan, by the way.
452
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,300
- Yo.
Oh, shit.
453
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,020
- Oof.
Okay.
454
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,740
Cool.
[exhales]
455
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,020
Let's go.
456
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,940
Let's go.
Let's go.
457
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,500
"Voldemort Under My Headscarf."
458
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,380
I-I had some ideas.
459
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,380
- Wanna talk about it?
- Nah.
460
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,700
It?
What it?
461
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,300
- We're sorry
it didn't work out.
462
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,020
- Mmm, it, it, it--
uh, there isn't even an it.
463
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,380
We met once.
464
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,300
I don't know him.
What it, right?
465
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,900
The only it that exists
is the it in my head.
466
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,900
The made-up stupid, fantasy it
467
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,380
that only exists in my silly
little girl head, right?
468
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,060
How does it become
so big so fast?
469
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,740
What kind of nobody
lets that happen?
470
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,860
This girl!
[laughs awkwardly]
471
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,860
You're looking at her.
472
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,020
- You're not a nobody.
- Oh, come on, you knew, right?
473
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,660
You knew she's a thirsty nobody
that will jump
474
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,540
if you dangle any passable
male in front of her.
475
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,380
You knew that I couldn't resist
Ahsan when you offered him up.
476
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:01,980
That is my problem.
477
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,620
I-I lose my mind over every
Bashir with a good beard
478
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,300
that smiles at me, you know?
479
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,380
Sorry.
480
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,060
- Bashir with a good beard.
481
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,760
That's brilliant.
- What?
482
00:20:19,080 --> 00:20:20,780
[guitar notes playing]
483
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,580
- ♪ Why won't you love me? ♪
484
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,780
♪ Why won't you text me back? ♪
485
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,540
♪ Leave me on read ♪
486
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,620
♪ Ghost me like I'm dead ♪
487
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,820
♪ Are my clothes too tight? ♪
488
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,980
- ♪ Do I laugh too much? ♪
489
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:40,300
- ♪ You say I'm not polite,
I say fuck you very much ♪
490
00:20:40,400 --> 00:20:42,540
♪ ♪
491
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,100
- ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪
492
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,060
- ♪ You're so pretty,
you're so pretty ♪
493
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,340
♪ You're so pretty ♪
494
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,980
- ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪
495
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,820
- ♪ You say you think
I'm weird ♪
496
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,780
- ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪
497
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,380
- ♪ Won't you love me? ♪
498
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:56,700
♪ Won't you love me?
Won't you love me? ♪
499
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,540
- ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪
500
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,140
- ♪ You're gonna disappear ♪
501
00:21:01,240 --> 00:21:04,140
[mournful guitar riff]
502
00:21:04,240 --> 00:21:11,140
♪ ♪
503
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,260
- ♪ We'll have two sons ♪
504
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,940
- ♪ Bilal and Hala ♪
- ♪ Nasir and Hussein ♪
505
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,940
- ♪ We'll watch "Bake Off"
and eat KFC ♪
506
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,180
both: Halal!
507
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,900
- ♪ Are my clothes too tight? ♪
508
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,340
both: Yeah!
509
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,220
- ♪ Do I laugh too much? ♪
- Yeah!
510
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,620
- ♪ You say I'm not polite,
I say ♪
511
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,380
both: ♪ Fuck you very much ♪
512
00:21:30,480 --> 00:21:32,580
♪ ♪
513
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,660
- ♪ Bashir with a good beard ♪
514
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,260
- ♪ You're so pretty,
you're so pretty ♪
515
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,940
- Something momentous
happened that day.
516
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,420
I, with Lady Parts,
had penned a punk anthem
517
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,900
shorn from the fabric
of my life.
518
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,020
I had never written
a song before.
519
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,700
- ♪ You're gonna disappear ♪
520
00:21:51,800 --> 00:21:54,700
[lively guitar riff]
521
00:21:54,800 --> 00:22:01,800
♪ ♪
522
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:26,840
[ambient buzzing]
523
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,980
- That was sick.
- That was so sick!
524
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,460
- What did I tell you?
- Oh, my gosh.
525
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,600
- What did I tell you?
- What did she tell you?
526
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,940
- Amina, that was sick, man.
527
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,740
- It was all right.
528
00:22:35,840 --> 00:22:38,740
[gentle music]
529
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,620
- Even though I had been
unceremoniously
530
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,420
friend-zoned by Ahsan,
531
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,700
I felt different after playing
with Lady Parts.
532
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,700
Lighter--I don't know, braver.
533
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,020
- Okay, so I spoke to Imran,
and he's totally cool with you
534
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,780
bringing Ahsan
to the engagement party.
535
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,140
You are welcome.
Yay.
536
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,620
all: Yay!
537
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,500
- Yay!
That is so great.
538
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,180
Okay, so, um, bravery
wasn't quite there,
539
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,540
but come on, what can I say?
540
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,940
Crusty spinster
back in business,
541
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,700
massive loser
back on the shelf.
542
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,140
- You and Ahsan are gonna have
the cutest babies.
543
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:11,860
- We literally cannot wait
to meet him.
544
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,980
- Literally gagging
to meet him.
545
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,580
- I wish I could
tell them the truth.
546
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,980
Yeah, I'm literally gagging
for you to meet him too.
547
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,900
But I couldn't.
548
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,320
- Okay, so Saturday,
you'll both be there?
549
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,620
- Deffo, both of us.
550
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,740
Me and him.
Me and my man.
551
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,300
- Mm?
552
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,140
- I mean,
potential future spouse.
553
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,580
- Inshallah.
554
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,100
So what's the colour palette
for the wedding?
555
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,460
- What is his style?
556
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,660
- His eye colour,
brown or green?
557
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,020
- And how tall is he?
558
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,740
- Is he taller than that?
559
00:23:41,840 --> 00:23:44,740
[lively rock music]
560
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:51,840
♪ ♪
39117
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