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1
00:01:42,600 --> 00:01:44,790
Wow. Some party.
2
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It wasn't that wild.
3
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Nobody touched the pinata.
4
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I'm not a pinata.
5
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Hey! That is not a toilet.
6
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It is now.
7
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Who are you?
8
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Genital Warthog.
9
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Ooh! Ooh!
10
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Ow! Oh, that hurt.
11
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Gay pandas?
12
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All pandas gay.
13
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That's why we don't mate in captivity.
14
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It also explains the eye shadow.
15
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Tell us about your illness, Rex.
16
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I... was... a homosexual.
17
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A ho... mo... sexual.
18
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But reverend, you cured me.
19
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I've been straight for 6 months.
20
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No, he hasn't. He was here last night.
21
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These are his pants.
22
00:02:45,650 --> 00:02:46,640
You see, friends.
23
00:02:46,660 --> 00:02:48,640
Jesus can cure every disease.
24
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From homosexuality to Buddhism.
25
00:02:52,650 --> 00:02:53,690
Reverend Van Der Gelding,
26
00:02:53,710 --> 00:02:54,750
I wonder if you could help me.
27
00:02:54,770 --> 00:02:56,690
I have a terrible disorder.
28
00:02:56,710 --> 00:02:57,810
It's called Tourette's syndrome...
29
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Homophobe!
30
00:02:59,670 --> 00:03:01,650
It makes me say the most terrible things.
31
00:03:01,670 --> 00:03:02,710
Jerk! Jerk! Nazi!
32
00:03:02,730 --> 00:03:05,730
Um, yes, I'm familiar with it.
33
00:03:05,750 --> 00:03:08,690
Please say you'll cure me. Fraud!
34
00:03:08,710 --> 00:03:09,800
I don't mean to say, fraud! Bigot!
35
00:03:09,820 --> 00:03:12,700
These awful words. Bad toupee!
36
00:03:12,720 --> 00:03:14,760
Brother, I would love to pray with you,
37
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but we have so many callers on the line.
38
00:03:16,720 --> 00:03:18,800
Please dig deep and send what you can.
39
00:03:18,820 --> 00:03:20,720
Thank you for all
the good work you're doing.
40
00:03:20,740 --> 00:03:21,760
Jackass!
41
00:03:21,780 --> 00:03:23,700
You're a wonderful man. Jackass!
42
00:03:23,720 --> 00:03:25,750
God bless you. Creep! Creep! Motherf...
43
00:03:26,770 --> 00:03:27,790
Do we have another caller?
44
00:03:27,810 --> 00:03:29,740
I was very shocked
45
00:03:29,760 --> 00:03:31,710
by that last person.
46
00:03:31,730 --> 00:03:33,650
He's a sick, sick man.
47
00:03:33,670 --> 00:03:35,590
I don't think that's any excuse
48
00:03:35,610 --> 00:03:36,670
for potty mouth.
49
00:03:36,690 --> 00:03:38,640
But still, he makes a lot of sense.
50
00:03:38,660 --> 00:03:43,610
You are a hypocritical, gay bashing moron!
51
00:03:45,610 --> 00:03:48,640
Girls, don't you just love the phone?
52
00:03:48,660 --> 00:03:51,610
Come on down to Happyland.
53
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Adults get in for kids' prices.
54
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Kids get in for adult prices.
55
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And seniors don't get in at all.
56
00:03:57,660 --> 00:04:01,640
That's what makes it happy!
57
00:04:01,660 --> 00:04:05,610
Oh, my gay god, look at this mess!
58
00:04:05,630 --> 00:04:08,760
Busted tables, overturned Chers.
59
00:04:08,780 --> 00:04:10,590
This place is a wreck.
60
00:04:10,610 --> 00:04:11,750
Queer Duck, what are we gonna do?
61
00:04:11,770 --> 00:04:13,760
I'm going to Happyland.
62
00:04:13,780 --> 00:04:15,630
Oh, crap.
63
00:04:15,650 --> 00:04:16,710
Oh, I'm gonna call the whole gang.
64
00:04:16,730 --> 00:04:18,610
Let's make this Gay Day at Happyland.
65
00:04:18,630 --> 00:04:19,800
Can't we go to Disneyland?
66
00:04:19,820 --> 00:04:21,670
They love gay people.
67
00:04:21,690 --> 00:04:24,660
Where's the fun in that?
68
00:04:33,600 --> 00:04:34,600
Would you like to try
69
00:04:34,620 --> 00:04:36,590
"Recovery" by Elizabeth Taylor?
70
00:04:36,610 --> 00:04:39,690
It'll make you smell
like a 75-year-old woman.
71
00:04:39,710 --> 00:04:42,600
It's made from rose oil and wet newspapers.
72
00:04:43,750 --> 00:04:47,590
Say, Chet, did I make
the store softball league?
73
00:04:47,610 --> 00:04:48,700
You?
74
00:04:49,720 --> 00:04:51,740
Oh, that's a good one.
75
00:04:53,680 --> 00:04:54,800
Jackass.
76
00:04:56,720 --> 00:04:58,710
Pick me! Pick me!
77
00:04:58,730 --> 00:05:01,810
I'll take... Little Stevie Wonder.
78
00:05:01,830 --> 00:05:03,700
Yeah!
79
00:05:05,700 --> 00:05:07,700
I'll take... Little Steven Hawking.
80
00:05:07,720 --> 00:05:10,760
Play ball.
81
00:05:13,730 --> 00:05:16,770
Bi-Polar Bear. It's Gay Day in Happyland.
82
00:05:16,790 --> 00:05:18,790
Oh, goody. Ow!
83
00:05:18,810 --> 00:05:20,810
Hey, watch it there, Zsa Zsa.
84
00:05:20,830 --> 00:05:23,790
Your fur would make a lovely coat.
85
00:05:23,810 --> 00:05:25,800
Your neck would make a terrific boat cover.
86
00:05:32,640 --> 00:05:33,730
Here at Shirley You Jest,
87
00:05:33,750 --> 00:05:35,710
we have the world's largest collection
88
00:05:35,730 --> 00:05:37,720
of Shirley Temple memorabilia.
89
00:05:37,740 --> 00:05:40,790
Dolls, lunchboxes, coffee mugs.
90
00:05:40,810 --> 00:05:42,760
We even have Shirley herself.
91
00:05:42,780 --> 00:05:45,590
Mister, I can't breathe in here.
92
00:05:45,610 --> 00:05:46,680
Honest, I can't.
93
00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:47,770
Quiet, you.
94
00:05:49,660 --> 00:05:52,700
Oscar Wildcat, it's Gay Day in Happyland.
95
00:05:52,720 --> 00:05:53,760
Marvelous.
96
00:05:56,800 --> 00:05:59,760
You know, Happyland
really hates these Gay Days.
97
00:06:04,710 --> 00:06:06,600
It's not too late to call it off.
98
00:06:10,710 --> 00:06:12,660
Queer Duck.
99
00:06:22,750 --> 00:06:25,700
Attention, you fairies.
100
00:06:25,720 --> 00:06:28,590
You queens and you marys.
101
00:06:28,610 --> 00:06:29,770
I'm here to declare this.
102
00:06:29,790 --> 00:06:31,800
It's Gay Day at Happyland.
103
00:07:21,820 --> 00:07:23,780
I'm picking something up on gay-dar.
104
00:07:23,800 --> 00:07:25,670
Dear God,
105
00:07:25,690 --> 00:07:27,670
it's like a Bette Midler concert out there.
106
00:07:27,690 --> 00:07:29,780
We're going to code pink.
107
00:07:35,740 --> 00:07:37,680
Beat it, you homos.
108
00:07:52,730 --> 00:07:54,760
Queer Duck, talk to me.
109
00:07:54,780 --> 00:07:56,680
Do you ever get sick of being gay?
110
00:07:56,700 --> 00:07:58,790
No. But sometimes my jaw gets sore.
111
00:07:58,810 --> 00:08:01,680
I mean the whole thing.
Society's against it.
112
00:08:01,700 --> 00:08:03,770
The church is against it.
My family's against it.
113
00:08:03,790 --> 00:08:04,780
It's fun.
114
00:08:04,800 --> 00:08:06,660
It gets old.
115
00:08:06,680 --> 00:08:08,730
Endless parties, drugs, anonymous sex.
116
00:08:08,750 --> 00:08:10,620
Oh, that's a myth.
117
00:08:10,640 --> 00:08:12,580
Do you even know
who you're in bed with now?
118
00:08:12,600 --> 00:08:13,810
I don't know. Daniel Day Lewis?
119
00:08:13,830 --> 00:08:15,650
I'm Rupert Everett.
120
00:08:15,670 --> 00:08:17,680
Who cares? You're gorgeous!
121
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:20,650
I just think life would be much easier
122
00:08:20,670 --> 00:08:21,810
if I were straight.
123
00:08:47,670 --> 00:08:48,800
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
124
00:08:48,820 --> 00:08:50,700
Don't even think like that.
125
00:08:50,720 --> 00:08:52,670
You can't change who you are.
126
00:08:52,690 --> 00:08:53,760
Well, sometimes, I wish I could.
127
00:08:53,780 --> 00:08:55,580
Don't you?
128
00:08:55,600 --> 00:08:57,630
No. I am a gay man.
129
00:08:57,650 --> 00:08:58,660
Like my father,
130
00:08:58,680 --> 00:09:00,690
and his father before him.
131
00:09:00,710 --> 00:09:01,730
Now get some sleep.
132
00:09:01,750 --> 00:09:03,690
We've got work in the morning.
133
00:09:10,760 --> 00:09:12,680
Welcome to T.S. It's Monday.
134
00:09:12,700 --> 00:09:14,790
My name is Gator, and I'll be your waiter.
135
00:09:14,810 --> 00:09:17,760
Oh, what do you know? I'm a poet, too.
136
00:09:20,610 --> 00:09:21,660
Actually, I'm an actor
137
00:09:21,680 --> 00:09:22,750
just waiting for my agent to call
138
00:09:22,770 --> 00:09:24,810
with my big break.
139
00:09:24,830 --> 00:09:26,640
Oh, my gay god.
140
00:09:26,660 --> 00:09:28,670
Hello? Hello, Artie?
141
00:09:28,690 --> 00:09:30,710
That wasn't your phone. My chair squeaked.
142
00:09:30,730 --> 00:09:32,710
Well, thank you, Captain Buzzkills.
143
00:09:32,730 --> 00:09:34,610
So what kind of fried crap
144
00:09:34,630 --> 00:09:35,790
do you want to shove
in that enormous head of yours?
145
00:09:35,810 --> 00:09:38,720
Sweet Christ with a handbag!
146
00:09:38,740 --> 00:09:40,670
You're Conan O'Brien!
147
00:09:40,690 --> 00:09:41,780
I just love your show!
148
00:09:41,800 --> 00:09:43,770
When I can't sleep, it puts me right out.
149
00:09:43,790 --> 00:09:45,620
Well, thanks.
150
00:09:45,640 --> 00:09:47,790
Now, admit it. You're gay, aren't you?
151
00:09:47,810 --> 00:09:49,690
No. I'm married.
152
00:09:49,710 --> 00:09:50,770
I have kids.
153
00:09:50,790 --> 00:09:53,740
Fine! Go ahead. Live in denial.
154
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:56,800
You're just like my poor baby Queer Duck.
155
00:09:56,820 --> 00:09:59,720
Why can't we be happy with who we are?
156
00:10:02,770 --> 00:10:04,650
Do we get bread?
157
00:10:24,760 --> 00:10:25,790
You're a lousy nurse.
158
00:10:25,810 --> 00:10:28,720
Sorry. My head's not in it today.
159
00:10:28,740 --> 00:10:30,760
Well, you know...
160
00:10:42,660 --> 00:10:43,720
Hey!
161
00:10:56,830 --> 00:10:58,790
Way ahead of you.
162
00:10:58,810 --> 00:11:01,700
Welcome. Welcome, everyone to the I.C.U.
163
00:11:01,720 --> 00:11:02,770
That's doctor talk
164
00:11:02,790 --> 00:11:05,740
for I see you still have some money left.
165
00:11:36,790 --> 00:11:38,630
Can't thank you enough.
166
00:11:38,650 --> 00:11:40,590
You really brighten my day, miss...
167
00:11:40,610 --> 00:11:41,581
Call me Lola.
168
00:11:41,601 --> 00:11:42,790
You're Lola Buzzard?
169
00:11:42,810 --> 00:11:45,610
Buh-zard, darling. Buh-zard.
170
00:11:45,630 --> 00:11:47,740
I just saw you on TV.
171
00:11:47,760 --> 00:11:50,610
It was Drugged Out Divas Week on Biography.
172
00:11:50,630 --> 00:11:51,710
I got three nights.
173
00:11:51,730 --> 00:11:53,800
So, what brings you to Shyster Excremente?
174
00:11:53,820 --> 00:11:55,810
Just having the old kisser tightened up.
175
00:11:55,830 --> 00:11:57,650
Botox?
176
00:11:57,670 --> 00:11:59,730
Oh, darling. I'm way beyond Botox.
177
00:11:59,750 --> 00:12:01,580
They have to slap
178
00:12:01,600 --> 00:12:03,650
a poison jellyfish on my face.
179
00:12:03,670 --> 00:12:05,650
Mmm, that one.
180
00:12:05,670 --> 00:12:06,770
He looks fat and venomous.
181
00:12:08,600 --> 00:12:10,750
Ow! Sweet Jesus. The agony.
182
00:12:10,770 --> 00:12:12,680
Son of a bitch!
183
00:12:18,650 --> 00:12:20,690
How do I look? Like the Joker.
184
00:12:20,710 --> 00:12:21,810
That's what I was going for.
185
00:12:21,830 --> 00:12:24,650
Try to make me frown. You can't do it.
186
00:12:24,670 --> 00:12:25,770
Bush is running for a third term.
187
00:12:25,790 --> 00:12:28,680
Oh, Christ. The country's ruined.
188
00:12:31,770 --> 00:12:33,740
You're a funny little duck.
189
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:35,790
You must spend the day with me.
190
00:12:35,810 --> 00:12:37,710
Peccary!
191
00:12:43,830 --> 00:12:46,720
This is Peccary. He's my limo driver.
192
00:12:46,740 --> 00:12:48,610
He was also husband number two.
193
00:12:48,630 --> 00:12:50,760
And five, madame.
194
00:12:50,780 --> 00:12:53,690
Ducky, we're gonna have
the most marvelous day.
195
00:12:53,710 --> 00:12:56,610
First, I want you to see my home.
196
00:12:56,630 --> 00:12:59,590
Peccary, for God's sakes! Slow down, man!
197
00:12:59,610 --> 00:13:02,680
We haven't even left the curb, madame.
198
00:13:02,700 --> 00:13:03,730
Zip it.
199
00:13:03,750 --> 00:13:06,770
Oh, the pain. The pain.
200
00:13:19,800 --> 00:13:22,580
I bought this place in the 70s.
201
00:13:22,600 --> 00:13:24,610
After the Munsters got divorced.
202
00:13:25,740 --> 00:13:27,620
You wouldn't believe
203
00:13:27,640 --> 00:13:28,750
the parties we used to have here.
204
00:13:28,770 --> 00:13:29,780
And the guests.
205
00:13:29,800 --> 00:13:32,650
Frank Sinatra. Junior.
206
00:13:32,670 --> 00:13:33,740
And Sammy Davis.
207
00:13:33,760 --> 00:13:35,700
Senior.
208
00:13:56,680 --> 00:14:00,610
Where'd you get those corny, creepy plates?
209
00:14:00,630 --> 00:14:02,610
Disney dumpster.
210
00:14:09,670 --> 00:14:11,600
Lola, you're amazing.
211
00:14:11,620 --> 00:14:12,730
I can barely keep up with you.
212
00:14:12,750 --> 00:14:14,590
Yes. Doctors tell me
213
00:14:14,610 --> 00:14:16,590
I have the heart of an 18-year-old.
214
00:14:16,610 --> 00:14:18,730
The kid died in a skateboard accident.
215
00:14:19,830 --> 00:14:21,700
It's a joke, darling.
216
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:23,730
I have Bruce Vilanch on retainer.
217
00:14:23,750 --> 00:14:26,610
Thanks, Lola.
218
00:14:26,630 --> 00:14:27,670
The Bruce signal.
219
00:14:30,610 --> 00:14:31,770
Whoopi must need a joke.
220
00:14:31,790 --> 00:14:35,660
To comedy and beyond!
221
00:14:35,680 --> 00:14:37,700
That's what it's all about, Queer Duck.
222
00:14:37,720 --> 00:14:38,770
Laughter.
223
00:14:38,790 --> 00:14:43,660
Laughter and love and Peccary!
224
00:14:43,680 --> 00:14:44,700
I know...
225
00:14:44,720 --> 00:14:46,640
slow down.
226
00:15:00,730 --> 00:15:03,660
Gator, we've been together for 18 months.
227
00:15:03,680 --> 00:15:05,810
That's 6 centuries in gay years.
228
00:15:05,830 --> 00:15:07,750
I know, and life is great now.
229
00:15:07,770 --> 00:15:09,730
But what will it be like
230
00:15:09,750 --> 00:15:12,620
when we're a couple of old queens?
231
00:15:14,710 --> 00:15:16,690
Openly Gator.
232
00:15:16,710 --> 00:15:19,690
Where the hell is my dinner?
233
00:15:19,710 --> 00:15:20,780
Oh, here.
234
00:15:26,730 --> 00:15:30,710
Why do we keep ordering
from that Thai place?
235
00:15:30,730 --> 00:15:32,770
Sounds wonderful.
236
00:15:32,790 --> 00:15:34,610
What? Were you watching
237
00:15:34,630 --> 00:15:35,810
the same dream sequence I was?
238
00:15:35,830 --> 00:15:38,700
Oh, we have an awful future ahead of us.
239
00:15:38,720 --> 00:15:39,740
What are you saying?
240
00:15:39,760 --> 00:15:41,620
Have you met someone else?
241
00:15:41,640 --> 00:15:43,750
No. No, no, no, no.
242
00:15:43,770 --> 00:15:45,720
Darling. Well, kind of.
243
00:15:45,740 --> 00:15:47,580
And who's your little friend here?
244
00:15:47,600 --> 00:15:49,610
I'm his insignificant other.
245
00:15:49,630 --> 00:15:51,720
Ah-ha. I like you.
246
00:15:51,740 --> 00:15:53,730
You remind me of a purse I used to have.
247
00:15:54,820 --> 00:15:56,640
I have an idea.
248
00:15:56,660 --> 00:15:57,740
Why don't we all go see a show?
249
00:15:57,760 --> 00:15:59,680
All right, but you pick.
250
00:15:59,700 --> 00:16:02,700
Broadway seems to have gone
completely gay these days.
251
00:16:02,720 --> 00:16:03,790
Let's see...
252
00:16:03,810 --> 00:16:05,680
Guys and Dudes,
253
00:16:05,700 --> 00:16:07,590
the Queen and I,
254
00:16:07,610 --> 00:16:08,670
Oklahomo?
255
00:16:08,690 --> 00:16:09,730
My Fair Lady?
256
00:16:13,690 --> 00:16:14,770
Oh!
257
00:16:14,790 --> 00:16:17,760
My God, do you realize its been 20 years
258
00:16:17,780 --> 00:16:20,620
since I set foot on a Broadway stage?
259
00:16:20,640 --> 00:16:23,620
You should come back and do
a one woman show.
260
00:16:23,640 --> 00:16:24,720
Oh, please.
261
00:16:24,740 --> 00:16:26,630
Do you think gay men would pay to hear
262
00:16:26,650 --> 00:16:27,720
and old diva gossip
263
00:16:27,740 --> 00:16:29,740
about her booze and sex problems?
264
00:16:29,760 --> 00:16:31,650
They might.
265
00:16:45,650 --> 00:16:46,740
Ladies, gentlemen,
266
00:16:46,760 --> 00:16:48,610
and ladylike gentlemen,
267
00:16:48,630 --> 00:16:50,770
put your hands together for the original
268
00:16:50,790 --> 00:16:52,660
Buzzard with a Z.
269
00:16:52,680 --> 00:16:54,810
Miss Lola Buh-zard.
270
00:17:09,650 --> 00:17:10,740
Huh? What?
271
00:17:10,760 --> 00:17:12,710
How did all you queens get in my closet?
272
00:17:12,730 --> 00:17:14,820
Ha ha! I'm just kidding.
273
00:18:08,660 --> 00:18:09,690
Are you OK?
274
00:18:39,690 --> 00:18:41,620
Hi. It's Joan Rivers.
275
00:18:41,640 --> 00:18:42,800
I'm here at the Tony Awards.
276
00:18:42,820 --> 00:18:44,700
And I'm talking to Bjork.
277
00:18:44,720 --> 00:18:46,760
Bjork, welcome to our planet.
278
00:18:46,780 --> 00:18:48,750
Who are you wearing tonight?
279
00:18:48,770 --> 00:18:50,590
I'm wearing Coco Chanel.
280
00:18:50,610 --> 00:18:51,670
Literally.
281
00:18:51,690 --> 00:18:53,590
This is her corpse.
282
00:18:53,610 --> 00:18:55,640
You're weird, and you frighten me.
283
00:18:55,660 --> 00:18:56,720
A lot.
284
00:18:56,740 --> 00:18:58,640
Coming up next down the red carpet,
285
00:18:58,660 --> 00:19:01,630
it's the Pet Shop Boys.
286
00:19:01,650 --> 00:19:04,690
Joan, who exactly are you
covering this for?
287
00:19:04,710 --> 00:19:06,590
Oh... somebody.
288
00:19:06,610 --> 00:19:08,650
Wait a minute, that's not
even a microphone.
289
00:19:08,670 --> 00:19:09,770
You're holding an ice cream cone.
290
00:19:09,790 --> 00:19:11,590
Quiet.
291
00:19:11,610 --> 00:19:12,730
You guys want to make me look bad?
292
00:19:12,750 --> 00:19:14,800
No. That's your plastic surgeon's job.
293
00:19:14,820 --> 00:19:16,680
He seems to be turning you into
294
00:19:16,700 --> 00:19:17,820
a small Chinese man.
295
00:19:19,830 --> 00:19:23,740
Why, you little...
296
00:19:26,740 --> 00:19:28,600
That can't be good.
297
00:19:32,780 --> 00:19:34,750
I can't believe we're at the Tonys.
298
00:19:34,770 --> 00:19:36,650
It's like the gay Olympics.
299
00:19:36,670 --> 00:19:39,800
Well, I wanted to do
something nice for you guys.
300
00:19:39,820 --> 00:19:41,700
I hardly see you anymore.
301
00:19:41,720 --> 00:19:45,630
Wow. It's Rosie O'Donnell.
302
00:19:45,650 --> 00:19:48,580
Look at the size of that head.
303
00:19:48,600 --> 00:19:50,640
She looks like a candy apple on a stick.
304
00:19:50,660 --> 00:19:51,810
Yes. A fat stick.
305
00:19:51,830 --> 00:19:54,650
The woman could play herself at Disneyland.
306
00:19:55,820 --> 00:19:58,600
And the nominees for best one woman show
307
00:19:58,620 --> 00:20:00,630
category hag.
308
00:20:00,650 --> 00:20:03,740
Elaine Stritch in "I'm Not Bea Arthur."
309
00:20:03,760 --> 00:20:05,780
Bea Arthur in "I'm Not a Bear."
310
00:20:07,670 --> 00:20:10,790
Lola Buzzard in "Still Not Dead."
311
00:20:10,810 --> 00:20:14,660
And Gwen Verdon in "Still Dead."
312
00:20:14,680 --> 00:20:17,620
And the award goes to...
313
00:20:17,640 --> 00:20:18,820
Lola Buzzard!
314
00:20:24,760 --> 00:20:27,740
You know, it's an honor
just to be nominated.
315
00:20:27,760 --> 00:20:29,730
But it's a bitch to lose.
316
00:20:32,650 --> 00:20:34,580
This one's on me, sweetie.
317
00:20:34,600 --> 00:20:35,690
Mazel tov.
318
00:20:35,710 --> 00:20:39,750
Oh, I promised myself
I wouldn't fake crying.
319
00:20:39,770 --> 00:20:40,800
But here I go.
320
00:20:40,820 --> 00:20:43,640
I want to dedicate this award
321
00:20:43,660 --> 00:20:45,730
to the one man who got me here.
322
00:20:45,750 --> 00:20:46,810
Queer Duck.
323
00:20:46,830 --> 00:20:48,630
I love you, baby.
324
00:20:48,650 --> 00:20:49,850
You make my life worth living.
325
00:21:04,760 --> 00:21:06,630
Sorry.
326
00:21:10,610 --> 00:21:12,610
Oh, we're quite a team.
327
00:21:12,630 --> 00:21:13,810
We think alike, we make each other laugh.
328
00:21:13,830 --> 00:21:15,640
We finish each other's...
329
00:21:15,660 --> 00:21:16,690
pudding.
330
00:21:16,710 --> 00:21:18,620
Exactly. So what do you say?
331
00:21:18,640 --> 00:21:19,680
You want to get married?
332
00:21:19,700 --> 00:21:20,720
What? Lola.
333
00:21:20,740 --> 00:21:22,610
You know I'm gay.
334
00:21:22,630 --> 00:21:24,730
I don't care. Lots of my husbands were gay.
335
00:21:24,750 --> 00:21:27,610
And if you're ever
interested in switching sides,
336
00:21:27,630 --> 00:21:28,660
I know someone who can help.
337
00:21:28,680 --> 00:21:29,790
Hmm.
338
00:21:31,610 --> 00:21:33,740
Lola, if I ever married a woman,
339
00:21:33,760 --> 00:21:35,640
you know it would be you.
340
00:21:35,660 --> 00:21:37,720
Oh, let me think about it.
341
00:21:37,740 --> 00:21:38,780
Of course.
342
00:21:50,740 --> 00:21:52,610
Watch it.
343
00:22:12,610 --> 00:22:14,770
Well, that's-a just-a rude.
344
00:22:19,770 --> 00:22:21,680
You've hardly touched your fifth drink.
345
00:22:21,700 --> 00:22:22,720
What's wrong?
346
00:22:22,740 --> 00:22:24,680
Lola proposed to me.
347
00:22:24,700 --> 00:22:26,630
Congratulations, dear boy.
348
00:22:26,650 --> 00:22:27,730
But she's a woman.
349
00:22:27,750 --> 00:22:29,740
Oh, these things happen.
350
00:22:29,760 --> 00:22:30,790
Let me tell you a story.
351
00:22:30,810 --> 00:22:33,600
The year was 1964,
352
00:22:33,620 --> 00:22:35,600
and gay bars like this didn't exist.
353
00:22:40,680 --> 00:22:42,730
But we still found places to meet.
354
00:22:52,800 --> 00:22:55,690
I'd never seen so many
gay people in one place.
355
00:22:55,710 --> 00:22:58,620
From sophisticates like Truman Coyote...
356
00:22:58,640 --> 00:22:59,770
Greetings, Oscar.
357
00:22:59,790 --> 00:23:01,780
To lowlifes like Fruity Fly.
358
00:23:01,800 --> 00:23:05,600
What's the buzz, cuz?
359
00:23:05,620 --> 00:23:06,670
Sorry.
360
00:23:06,690 --> 00:23:07,800
And just when I was feeling confident
361
00:23:07,820 --> 00:23:10,730
in who I was, I saw...
362
00:23:10,750 --> 00:23:13,610
Regina.
363
00:24:32,760 --> 00:24:34,660
No woman before or since
364
00:24:34,680 --> 00:24:36,740
had ever had this effect on me.
365
00:24:36,760 --> 00:24:37,780
After her performance,
366
00:24:37,800 --> 00:24:39,710
I had to speak to her.
367
00:24:39,730 --> 00:24:42,660
We laughed, we danced.
368
00:24:50,820 --> 00:24:52,810
And just as I was about to kiss her...
369
00:24:52,830 --> 00:24:54,830
Raid!
370
00:25:10,630 --> 00:25:11,790
If things had gone differently that night,
371
00:25:11,810 --> 00:25:14,760
I might not be a lonely old man.
372
00:25:14,780 --> 00:25:17,700
Maybe Lola is your one chance
at a better life.
373
00:25:17,720 --> 00:25:21,630
Wow. So you never saw Regina again.
374
00:25:21,650 --> 00:25:23,750
No. But I still keep her earring
375
00:25:23,770 --> 00:25:26,620
right next to my heart.
376
00:25:26,640 --> 00:25:27,650
Huh, I wouldn't have pegged you
377
00:25:27,670 --> 00:25:28,730
as the pierced nipple type.
378
00:25:28,750 --> 00:25:29,780
You live and you learn.
379
00:25:35,680 --> 00:25:37,650
Queer Duck, what are you doing here?
380
00:25:37,670 --> 00:25:39,600
You know this food is garbage.
381
00:25:39,620 --> 00:25:40,670
It's fine.
382
00:25:40,690 --> 00:25:42,620
Gator, I have to talk to you.
383
00:25:42,640 --> 00:25:43,740
Lola asked me to marry her.
384
00:25:43,760 --> 00:25:46,680
Oh, well... good for her.
385
00:25:46,700 --> 00:25:47,760
Good for both of you.
386
00:25:47,780 --> 00:25:48,780
You think so?
387
00:25:48,800 --> 00:25:50,610
This is just what you wanted.
388
00:25:50,630 --> 00:25:52,680
A nice, normal life.
389
00:25:52,700 --> 00:25:53,760
You really mean that?
390
00:25:53,780 --> 00:25:56,590
Queer Duck, I love you.
391
00:25:56,610 --> 00:25:59,730
And that means I want
whatever makes you happy.
392
00:25:59,750 --> 00:26:02,650
Oh, thank you, Gator.
393
00:26:06,680 --> 00:26:09,610
So I said to Weird Al Yankovic, Weird...
394
00:26:09,630 --> 00:26:11,580
That's what his friends call him, weird.
395
00:26:11,600 --> 00:26:12,700
I said...
396
00:26:12,720 --> 00:26:13,750
Can I take your order?
397
00:26:13,770 --> 00:26:15,700
God, it's you again.
398
00:26:15,720 --> 00:26:18,690
Yes. And I just lost the love of my life.
399
00:26:18,710 --> 00:26:21,630
So I could use a little
human decency, please!
400
00:26:21,650 --> 00:26:22,750
Gee, I'm sorry.
401
00:26:22,770 --> 00:26:24,750
I guess I'd like to start with the soup.
402
00:26:24,770 --> 00:26:26,610
Oh, you.
403
00:26:26,630 --> 00:26:27,740
Everything's got to be about you.
404
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:29,700
I can't listen to this crap!
405
00:26:33,640 --> 00:26:35,600
I don't know why I come here.
406
00:26:39,610 --> 00:26:41,770
Mom, Dad, I have an announcement to make.
407
00:26:41,790 --> 00:26:43,700
Oh, my God. He's gay.
408
00:26:43,720 --> 00:26:45,640
Estelle, you know he's gay.
409
00:26:45,660 --> 00:26:48,710
Well, then he's found
something worse than gay
410
00:26:48,730 --> 00:26:50,620
just to punish me.
411
00:26:50,640 --> 00:26:52,700
No, no. I'm getting married.
412
00:26:52,720 --> 00:26:53,760
You are?
413
00:26:56,620 --> 00:26:57,680
Wait a minute. Hold the phone.
414
00:26:57,700 --> 00:26:58,720
This person you're marrying,
415
00:26:58,740 --> 00:27:00,600
it's a woman?
416
00:27:00,620 --> 00:27:01,660
Of course.
417
00:27:06,710 --> 00:27:07,780
So, Melissa,
418
00:27:07,800 --> 00:27:09,640
now that your brother's getting married,
419
00:27:09,660 --> 00:27:10,730
maybe you'll find yourself a man.
420
00:27:10,750 --> 00:27:13,630
Dad, I'm very happy with Beavette.
421
00:27:13,650 --> 00:27:17,590
Oh, Martin. She's just experimenting.
422
00:27:17,610 --> 00:27:19,700
Louis Pasteur didn't do
that much experimenting.
423
00:27:19,720 --> 00:27:20,760
What was that?
424
00:27:20,780 --> 00:27:21,780
I said, what's your girlfriend
425
00:27:21,800 --> 00:27:23,780
doing to the carpet?
426
00:27:24,830 --> 00:27:26,590
Not here.
427
00:27:26,610 --> 00:27:27,730
So son, does this mean
428
00:27:27,750 --> 00:27:28,780
you're not gay anymore?
429
00:27:28,800 --> 00:27:30,620
Well, I am, but,
430
00:27:30,640 --> 00:27:31,750
I'm seeing an expert tomorrow,
431
00:27:31,770 --> 00:27:33,740
and he might be able to turn me straight.
432
00:27:33,760 --> 00:27:35,620
Really?
433
00:27:40,640 --> 00:27:42,730
Oh! You make me so happy.
434
00:27:42,750 --> 00:27:45,580
Grandma? I thought you were dead.
435
00:27:45,600 --> 00:27:47,680
To you, I was.
436
00:28:02,630 --> 00:28:03,690
Can I help you, brother?
437
00:28:03,710 --> 00:28:04,770
Reverend Van Der Gelding.
438
00:28:04,790 --> 00:28:06,710
You've seen my show.
439
00:28:06,730 --> 00:28:08,730
I call in all the time.
440
00:28:08,750 --> 00:28:10,730
So when did you first experience
441
00:28:10,750 --> 00:28:13,620
homosexual feelings?
442
00:28:13,640 --> 00:28:15,610
Well, let's see, hmm.
443
00:28:15,630 --> 00:28:16,790
It was 1967,
444
00:28:16,810 --> 00:28:18,750
my parents had just gone to see
445
00:28:18,770 --> 00:28:20,650
Kansas City Bomber.
446
00:28:24,830 --> 00:28:27,800
That Raquel Welch is some groovy chick.
447
00:28:27,820 --> 00:28:29,740
But you're groovier.
448
00:28:39,770 --> 00:28:43,670
My, you have such a powerful tail.
449
00:28:43,690 --> 00:28:45,630
Well, I swim a lot.
450
00:28:45,650 --> 00:28:47,690
You are so interesting.
451
00:28:47,710 --> 00:28:48,780
What do you say we ditch this crowd
452
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:50,680
and get a drink?
453
00:28:50,700 --> 00:28:53,710
No. I really should go fertilize that egg.
454
00:28:54,830 --> 00:28:57,640
Oh, her.
455
00:29:02,720 --> 00:29:06,600
Look, Morty, it's the son
you always wanted.
456
00:29:07,680 --> 00:29:09,620
I'm gay!
457
00:29:09,640 --> 00:29:10,660
What did he say?
458
00:29:10,680 --> 00:29:13,610
Oh. He said, nice day.
459
00:29:14,800 --> 00:29:16,770
That is quite young.
460
00:29:16,790 --> 00:29:20,640
Did you ever tell your parents about this?
461
00:29:20,660 --> 00:29:22,690
Not at first. My father was distant
462
00:29:22,710 --> 00:29:24,600
and hard to talk to.
463
00:29:26,600 --> 00:29:29,590
Dad, sometimes I think
I'm not like other ducks.
464
00:29:29,610 --> 00:29:31,800
I don't like sports.
465
00:29:33,640 --> 00:29:34,730
I prefer art and music.
466
00:29:36,770 --> 00:29:38,670
Martin, will you put down
467
00:29:38,690 --> 00:29:42,650
the focacta trumpet
and talk to him already?
468
00:29:45,660 --> 00:29:47,720
So how did you finally
tell them that you were gay?
469
00:29:47,740 --> 00:29:49,750
Oh, well, that's an interesting story.
470
00:29:49,770 --> 00:29:52,640
It all goes back to those crazy, turbulent
471
00:29:52,660 --> 00:29:54,650
fabulous seventies.
472
00:29:54,670 --> 00:29:55,730
Wait a minute.
473
00:29:55,750 --> 00:29:57,750
Is this gonna be a musical number?
474
00:29:57,770 --> 00:29:59,650
I mean, what is it with you people
475
00:29:59,670 --> 00:30:01,580
and musical numbers?
476
00:30:01,600 --> 00:30:02,680
Just sit back and enjoy it.
477
00:30:27,620 --> 00:30:28,601
No adlibbing.
478
00:30:28,621 --> 00:30:29,780
Sorry.
479
00:30:39,740 --> 00:30:40,860
I'm not repeating that part.
480
00:31:00,750 --> 00:31:01,790
You're Jewish?
481
00:31:01,810 --> 00:31:03,690
I had my beak fixed.
482
00:31:28,700 --> 00:31:30,610
I'm gay!
483
00:31:55,630 --> 00:31:56,740
I'm not that gay!
484
00:31:56,760 --> 00:31:58,620
Are you ready to find out?
485
00:31:58,640 --> 00:31:59,770
It's a simple procedure
486
00:31:59,790 --> 00:32:03,680
I have developed to turn you straight.
487
00:32:12,660 --> 00:32:14,660
Are you... comfortable?
488
00:32:14,680 --> 00:32:15,730
No.
489
00:32:15,750 --> 00:32:17,780
Then let's begin.
490
00:32:38,690 --> 00:32:39,671
I smell chicken.
491
00:32:39,691 --> 00:32:40,750
Oh, boy.
492
00:32:41,780 --> 00:32:43,680
So, Queer Duck.
493
00:32:43,700 --> 00:32:46,630
Do you still feel queer?
494
00:32:46,650 --> 00:32:48,710
As a high school drama teacher.
495
00:32:48,730 --> 00:32:49,730
What?
496
00:32:49,750 --> 00:32:51,630
I love that movie.
497
00:32:51,650 --> 00:32:53,680
It was like a less gay Clockwork Orange.
498
00:32:53,700 --> 00:32:54,780
It gave me tingles.
499
00:32:54,800 --> 00:32:56,730
That treatment never fails.
500
00:32:56,750 --> 00:32:59,600
You are the gayest thing I have ever seen.
501
00:32:59,620 --> 00:33:00,780
And I've been to England!
502
00:33:00,800 --> 00:33:02,610
Well, I guess that's it.
503
00:33:02,630 --> 00:33:03,690
I can't be changed. Thanks anywho.
504
00:33:03,710 --> 00:33:05,270
It's been a pleasure. Yours, of course.
505
00:33:08,780 --> 00:33:10,790
Out! Out! Be gone!
506
00:33:12,700 --> 00:33:14,750
You don't have that movie on DVD, do you?
507
00:33:17,720 --> 00:33:19,600
I'll try Blockbuster.
508
00:33:25,720 --> 00:33:27,660
Wine, madame?
509
00:33:27,680 --> 00:33:28,780
No, thanks.
510
00:33:33,800 --> 00:33:35,770
On second thought...
511
00:33:39,710 --> 00:33:42,640
Lola, I went to that
reverend you recommended,
512
00:33:42,660 --> 00:33:43,800
but it didn't work.
513
00:33:43,820 --> 00:33:46,640
You disappointed? Only if you are.
514
00:33:46,660 --> 00:33:48,770
Queer Duck, I don't care if you're gay
515
00:33:48,790 --> 00:33:51,610
or straight or bi or tri.
516
00:33:53,830 --> 00:33:55,730
I just want you to be happy.
517
00:33:55,750 --> 00:33:58,690
Do you think you could
still love someone like me?
518
00:33:58,710 --> 00:33:59,730
Well, sure.
519
00:33:59,750 --> 00:34:01,690
I mean, you do have a mustache.
520
00:34:01,710 --> 00:34:03,630
Yeah, but I still need a beard.
521
00:34:04,710 --> 00:34:05,760
You still want to get married?
522
00:34:05,780 --> 00:34:07,770
The sooner the better.
523
00:34:15,600 --> 00:34:17,760
Oh, you must be Queer Duck's parents.
524
00:34:17,780 --> 00:34:20,610
You have a wonderful son.
525
00:34:20,630 --> 00:34:21,730
Oh, thank you.
526
00:34:21,750 --> 00:34:24,760
Well, your little boy is very cute, too.
527
00:34:24,780 --> 00:34:26,760
Hee hee. This isn't my son.
528
00:34:26,780 --> 00:34:30,640
He's my very, very, very special friend.
529
00:34:31,750 --> 00:34:34,720
So. Have you ever reared children?
530
00:34:34,740 --> 00:34:37,700
I have never been convicted.
531
00:34:42,810 --> 00:34:44,770
What is that horrible stench?
532
00:34:44,790 --> 00:34:46,770
It's worse than the monkey diapers.
533
00:34:46,790 --> 00:34:49,580
It smells like, "Recovery"
534
00:34:49,600 --> 00:34:51,710
by Elizabeth Taylor.
535
00:34:54,610 --> 00:34:56,640
Hello, doggy.
536
00:34:56,660 --> 00:34:58,590
Who's getting married today?
537
00:34:58,610 --> 00:34:59,720
Is it me?
538
00:34:59,740 --> 00:35:01,700
Yeah. It's you, Liz.
539
00:35:01,720 --> 00:35:03,740
And who am I marrying this time?
540
00:35:03,760 --> 00:35:05,600
You?
541
00:35:05,620 --> 00:35:06,670
Sure. Why not?
542
00:35:08,610 --> 00:35:10,600
Hello, Rosie. I just want to thank you
543
00:35:10,620 --> 00:35:11,710
for coming out as a lesbian.
544
00:35:11,730 --> 00:35:12,810
And confirming every negative
545
00:35:12,830 --> 00:35:14,720
stereotype about us.
546
00:35:14,740 --> 00:35:16,600
Listen, Xena, you do not want
547
00:35:16,620 --> 00:35:17,730
to get between me and the wedding cake.
548
00:35:17,750 --> 00:35:19,790
I think they'd notice
if a piece was missing.
549
00:35:19,810 --> 00:35:21,780
You're right. I better eat the whole thing.
550
00:35:21,800 --> 00:35:23,750
The trick is to unhinge your jaw
551
00:35:23,770 --> 00:35:25,620
like a python.
552
00:35:26,700 --> 00:35:28,690
Ooh, doesn't that hurt?
553
00:35:28,710 --> 00:35:31,610
Oh, yeah. It hurts like a bitch.
554
00:35:33,780 --> 00:35:35,790
I was sent to help you with your hair,
555
00:35:35,810 --> 00:35:37,750
and not a moment too soon.
556
00:35:37,770 --> 00:35:38,790
Ooh!
557
00:35:38,810 --> 00:35:41,610
How do you wear it?
558
00:35:41,630 --> 00:35:42,780
I don't know. Feathered?
559
00:35:42,800 --> 00:35:44,750
Well, let's get busy.
560
00:35:46,620 --> 00:35:51,620
Wait a minute. That's not... final net.
561
00:35:58,820 --> 00:36:01,700
Hmph. I could do that.
562
00:36:01,720 --> 00:36:03,730
I just wish openly Gator was here.
563
00:36:03,750 --> 00:36:04,790
He said he couldn't bear it.
564
00:36:04,810 --> 00:36:06,660
To be so miserable
565
00:36:06,680 --> 00:36:08,720
on the happiest day of Queer Duck's life.
566
00:36:18,780 --> 00:36:20,740
Hi, it's Gator.
567
00:36:20,760 --> 00:36:25,590
I hate to bother you, but I
didn't know who else to call.
568
00:36:25,610 --> 00:36:27,620
Look, I can't do this.
569
00:36:27,640 --> 00:36:28,730
I'm in the middle of a show!
570
00:36:28,750 --> 00:36:30,780
Here's a Wonderbra for a mother pig.
571
00:36:30,800 --> 00:36:32,750
Oink oink! Me so horny!
572
00:36:32,770 --> 00:36:34,700
You suck!
573
00:36:34,720 --> 00:36:36,630
All right. Let's talk.
574
00:36:36,650 --> 00:36:39,580
The love of my life is
about to marry someone else,
575
00:36:39,600 --> 00:36:41,610
and I can't handle it.
576
00:36:41,630 --> 00:36:43,610
Well, when Andy Richter first left my show,
577
00:36:43,630 --> 00:36:45,710
I wasn't sure I could go it alone.
578
00:36:45,730 --> 00:36:47,740
This isn't about you!
579
00:36:47,760 --> 00:36:49,820
I've gotta stop that wedding.
580
00:36:51,640 --> 00:36:52,730
I'm coming, Queer Duck,
581
00:36:52,750 --> 00:36:55,780
and nothing's gonna stop me!
582
00:37:32,730 --> 00:37:34,640
Where am I?
583
00:37:34,660 --> 00:37:38,810
Some place your little
gay friends won't find you.
584
00:37:42,640 --> 00:37:44,740
I've turned hundreds of people straight.
585
00:37:44,760 --> 00:37:47,590
I've even turned Anne Heche straight!
586
00:37:47,610 --> 00:37:48,750
You can have her. We don't want her.
587
00:37:48,770 --> 00:37:51,760
You were my one failure,
588
00:37:51,780 --> 00:37:53,700
but I refuse to give up.
589
00:37:53,720 --> 00:37:56,790
This calls for stronger medicine.
590
00:37:58,710 --> 00:37:59,790
Well, if you're mixing drinks,
591
00:37:59,810 --> 00:38:01,640
I'd like a slow, comfortable screw
592
00:38:01,660 --> 00:38:02,740
up against the wall of a bus station
593
00:38:02,760 --> 00:38:04,750
in Passaic, New Jersey. It's just rum.
594
00:38:04,770 --> 00:38:06,710
I have something a little stronger
595
00:38:06,730 --> 00:38:07,810
in mind for you.
596
00:38:07,830 --> 00:38:10,750
A can of Bud, some stallion's blood,
597
00:38:10,770 --> 00:38:13,590
cologne from an Italian stud,
598
00:38:13,610 --> 00:38:16,670
fibers from Hugh Hefner's robe,
599
00:38:16,690 --> 00:38:18,750
photo of a homophobe,
600
00:38:18,770 --> 00:38:21,650
add Burt Reynolds' old toupee,
601
00:38:21,670 --> 00:38:25,710
and soon this duck will not be gay!
602
00:38:27,650 --> 00:38:29,790
No, no, stop!
603
00:38:29,810 --> 00:38:31,780
It tastes like Snapple!
604
00:38:31,800 --> 00:38:35,670
Oh, God, I wish I had my gag reflex back.
605
00:38:35,690 --> 00:38:36,810
Turn straight!
606
00:38:36,830 --> 00:38:38,790
I command you!
607
00:38:42,830 --> 00:38:44,800
Hey, dude, que pasa?
608
00:38:44,820 --> 00:38:46,790
Could it be? Is he really straight?
609
00:38:46,810 --> 00:38:48,700
What do you think of Cameron Diaz?
610
00:38:48,720 --> 00:38:50,610
She's hot. Camryn Manheim?
611
00:38:50,630 --> 00:38:51,760
She's hot. Sister Wendy?
612
00:38:51,780 --> 00:38:53,710
I'd do her.
613
00:38:53,730 --> 00:38:55,690
Success!
614
00:38:58,650 --> 00:39:01,760
So I told him, "you're still my little boy,
615
00:39:01,780 --> 00:39:05,740
and I love you despite your perversions."
616
00:39:05,760 --> 00:39:08,700
Oh, I wish my parents had said that.
617
00:39:08,720 --> 00:39:12,650
It's hard growing up
in America as a black man.
618
00:39:12,670 --> 00:39:13,700
You're black?
619
00:39:13,720 --> 00:39:14,770
You're a man?
620
00:39:14,790 --> 00:39:18,690
Oh. We thought you were Sheena Easton.
621
00:39:24,750 --> 00:39:26,650
Queer Duck!
622
00:39:26,670 --> 00:39:28,790
Queer Duck!
623
00:39:28,810 --> 00:39:30,660
He's not here yet.
624
00:39:30,680 --> 00:39:32,580
Thanks. I'll wait.
625
00:39:32,600 --> 00:39:34,600
Queer Duck!
626
00:39:35,740 --> 00:39:37,810
Queer Duck!
627
00:39:44,800 --> 00:39:46,790
Oh, thank God, I'm not too late!
628
00:39:46,810 --> 00:39:48,670
I had to see you!
629
00:39:48,690 --> 00:39:49,800
Beat it, ya homo.
630
00:40:05,760 --> 00:40:07,770
Do you, Adam Seymour Duckstein,
631
00:40:07,790 --> 00:40:09,600
take this gentile...
632
00:40:10,680 --> 00:40:11,800
I do.
633
00:40:11,820 --> 00:40:14,580
And do you, Lola Buzzard, take this duck,
634
00:40:14,600 --> 00:40:15,770
who they told me was a faygeleh,
635
00:40:15,790 --> 00:40:17,630
but, frankly, I don't see it...
636
00:40:17,650 --> 00:40:19,700
She does.
637
00:40:19,720 --> 00:40:22,620
Now let's start that honeymoon!
638
00:40:23,680 --> 00:40:24,810
You the man!
639
00:40:37,750 --> 00:40:38,790
Crap.
640
00:41:17,680 --> 00:41:18,730
Oh, yeah! Slap it! Slap it!
641
00:41:18,750 --> 00:41:19,780
That's it! Yeah, yeah!
642
00:41:19,800 --> 00:41:21,580
Smack those feathers! Yeah, pluck me!
643
00:41:21,600 --> 00:41:22,680
Pluck me! Pluck me!
644
00:41:22,700 --> 00:41:23,730
Now! Yeah! Lick it! Slap it!
645
00:41:23,750 --> 00:41:25,680
Slap it! That's it! Yeah!
646
00:41:25,700 --> 00:41:28,640
Oh, yeah!
647
00:41:28,660 --> 00:41:30,720
Oh! Oh, that's it!
648
00:41:32,600 --> 00:41:33,730
Let's eat!
649
00:41:47,620 --> 00:41:50,700
Queer Duck, I don't know
what came over you.
650
00:41:50,720 --> 00:41:53,660
That was the greatest night of my life!
651
00:41:53,680 --> 00:41:55,680
Gah! Awk!
652
00:42:04,630 --> 00:42:05,790
I'm sorry, Queer Duck.
653
00:42:05,810 --> 00:42:07,700
She's dead.
654
00:42:07,720 --> 00:42:09,620
How can that be?
655
00:42:09,640 --> 00:42:10,620
She was only...
656
00:42:10,640 --> 00:42:11,621
78.
657
00:42:11,641 --> 00:42:12,690
78?!
658
00:42:12,710 --> 00:42:15,770
Lola was remarkably well-preserved.
659
00:42:15,790 --> 00:42:18,620
We found quite a bit of
formaldehyde in her bloodstream.
660
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:20,680
Also Prozac, Xanax, Ex-Lax,
661
00:42:20,700 --> 00:42:21,780
Botox, Clorox...
662
00:42:21,800 --> 00:42:23,720
Pretty much everything but blood.
663
00:42:23,740 --> 00:42:25,790
I'm afraid that last multiple orgasm
664
00:42:25,810 --> 00:42:27,730
must have pushed her over the edge.
665
00:42:27,750 --> 00:42:30,810
You see what you've done?
666
00:42:30,830 --> 00:42:33,670
Oh, sorry, boss.
667
00:42:40,790 --> 00:42:43,670
The gay community shares your pain.
668
00:42:43,690 --> 00:42:47,780
All across America, fags are at half mast.
669
00:42:47,800 --> 00:42:49,630
Too soon?
670
00:42:49,650 --> 00:42:51,620
Whose funeral is this?
671
00:42:51,640 --> 00:42:52,700
Is it mine?
672
00:42:52,720 --> 00:42:54,590
Yeah, it's yours, Liz.
673
00:42:54,610 --> 00:42:56,630
How sad.
674
00:42:58,800 --> 00:43:02,580
Oh, no. Don't cry
675
00:43:02,600 --> 00:43:04,790
you'll make yourself black again.
676
00:43:06,640 --> 00:43:08,810
Look, it's the late Roddy McDowall!
677
00:43:11,600 --> 00:43:13,600
What? I'm a Rubens woman!
678
00:43:13,620 --> 00:43:15,780
Yeah, you look like you've
eaten a few reubens.
679
00:43:15,800 --> 00:43:17,640
Ha ha ha ha!
680
00:43:17,660 --> 00:43:18,800
It is written in the Hebrew Bible,
681
00:43:18,820 --> 00:43:20,810
in the book of shecchuchhehchucch,
682
00:43:20,830 --> 00:43:22,760
that the cycle of life continues
683
00:43:22,780 --> 00:43:24,720
with its comings and goings...
684
00:43:24,740 --> 00:43:27,710
in Lola's case, after she came, she went.
685
00:43:27,730 --> 00:43:30,630
Thank you, rabbi.
686
00:43:30,650 --> 00:43:31,670
No change?
687
00:43:31,690 --> 00:43:33,710
Oh, all right.
688
00:43:43,790 --> 00:43:46,680
Do you think the doctor
could make me gay again?
689
00:43:46,700 --> 00:43:48,780
Do you think you could
stop staring at my tits?
690
00:43:48,800 --> 00:43:50,780
No! I can't!
691
00:43:53,610 --> 00:43:54,760
I'm sorry, Mr. Duckstein.
692
00:43:54,780 --> 00:43:58,630
If a man is straight,
no one can make him gay.
693
00:43:58,650 --> 00:44:00,610
My mother did.
694
00:44:00,630 --> 00:44:01,611
Seen enough?
695
00:44:01,631 --> 00:44:02,750
Not yet...
696
00:44:02,770 --> 00:44:04,760
not yet...
697
00:44:04,780 --> 00:44:05,761
not...
698
00:44:05,781 --> 00:44:06,820
yet...
699
00:44:09,600 --> 00:44:10,660
OK, now.
700
00:44:12,700 --> 00:44:16,640
"I, Lola Buzzard, bequeath to Queer Duck
701
00:44:16,660 --> 00:44:18,610
"all my worldly goods,
702
00:44:18,630 --> 00:44:20,580
"including the house...
703
00:44:20,600 --> 00:44:20,811
"The house...
704
00:44:20,831 --> 00:44:22,800
The house."
705
00:44:22,820 --> 00:44:25,750
"The Houston Astrodome."
706
00:44:25,770 --> 00:44:26,790
What?!
707
00:44:26,810 --> 00:44:29,660
"The Rolls-Royce... factory.
708
00:44:29,680 --> 00:44:33,760
And my cash holdings, totaling $10,000."
709
00:44:33,780 --> 00:44:37,680
I'm sorry. That's "$1 million."
710
00:44:37,700 --> 00:44:38,780
Oh! My bad.
711
00:44:38,800 --> 00:44:41,780
That's "$1 billion."
712
00:44:41,800 --> 00:44:43,620
I had no idea.
713
00:44:43,640 --> 00:44:44,730
Madam had it all...
714
00:44:44,750 --> 00:44:49,740
Stocks, land, gold, emeralds, rubies!
715
00:44:49,760 --> 00:44:51,810
You're a very wealthy man.
716
00:44:51,830 --> 00:44:54,730
Big deal.
717
00:44:54,750 --> 00:44:57,770
It's wilder than Girls Gone Wild.
718
00:44:57,790 --> 00:45:00,670
It's Girls Gone Batshit!
719
00:45:00,690 --> 00:45:02,750
See girls rip off their tops!
720
00:45:02,770 --> 00:45:06,600
See naked girls rip off their skin!
721
00:45:06,620 --> 00:45:07,800
Girls Gone Batshit!
722
00:45:07,820 --> 00:45:09,690
A production of Fox News!
723
00:45:12,630 --> 00:45:14,770
Sir, I owe you an apology.
724
00:45:14,790 --> 00:45:18,630
I always presumed you were
after madam's money.
725
00:45:18,650 --> 00:45:20,700
I know now I was wrong.
726
00:45:20,720 --> 00:45:21,780
I really loved her.
727
00:45:21,800 --> 00:45:23,790
As did I.
728
00:45:23,810 --> 00:45:26,610
Now I've lost my Lola,
I've lost my friends,
729
00:45:26,630 --> 00:45:28,760
I've lost my whole identity.
730
00:45:28,780 --> 00:45:31,650
Do you know how it feels
to be heterosexual?
731
00:45:31,670 --> 00:45:34,620
Figure skating is boring.
732
00:45:34,640 --> 00:45:36,690
Rent has no hummable songs.
733
00:45:36,710 --> 00:45:38,600
Margaret Cho isn't funny.
734
00:45:38,620 --> 00:45:41,610
I guess we all knew that.
735
00:45:41,630 --> 00:45:44,650
Oh, Peccary, what am I going to do?
736
00:45:44,670 --> 00:45:46,610
I have procured for you
737
00:45:46,630 --> 00:45:50,580
the one sure cure for heterosexuality.
738
00:45:50,600 --> 00:45:53,790
Hello, gorgeous.
739
00:45:53,810 --> 00:45:55,580
Barbra?
740
00:45:55,600 --> 00:45:56,750
Barbra, can you help me?
741
00:45:56,770 --> 00:45:58,600
Of course.
742
00:45:58,620 --> 00:45:59,760
I've turned thousands of men gay.
743
00:45:59,780 --> 00:46:01,620
My son Jason is gay,
744
00:46:01,640 --> 00:46:03,700
and I've been working on James Brolin.
745
00:46:03,720 --> 00:46:05,610
Uh, what did you say, honey?
746
00:46:05,630 --> 00:46:07,620
I said wait in the car!
747
00:46:07,640 --> 00:46:09,590
You see, Queer Duck,
748
00:46:09,610 --> 00:46:11,740
no matter what society tells you,
749
00:46:11,760 --> 00:46:13,760
or what drugs they pump you full of,
750
00:46:13,780 --> 00:46:16,690
they can't change what's in here.
751
00:46:23,670 --> 00:46:24,790
How do you feel?
752
00:46:24,810 --> 00:46:26,750
I don't feel any different.
753
00:46:26,770 --> 00:46:29,590
I'm still the same duck, in the same bed,
754
00:46:29,610 --> 00:46:30,780
with the same godawful bedspread
755
00:46:30,800 --> 00:46:32,590
that looks like Laura Ashley
756
00:46:32,610 --> 00:46:33,620
threw up all over it...
757
00:46:33,640 --> 00:46:34,660
Oh, my God!
758
00:46:34,680 --> 00:46:36,710
I'm gay again, aren't I?
759
00:46:38,780 --> 00:46:40,790
I'm gay again!
760
00:46:40,810 --> 00:46:42,720
I'm as queer as a goose!
761
00:46:42,740 --> 00:46:45,740
I'm as gay as a $3.00 bill!
762
00:46:45,760 --> 00:46:49,760
I am the king of queens!
763
00:46:49,780 --> 00:46:51,780
You there, boy, what day is it?
764
00:46:51,800 --> 00:46:54,710
Today, sir? Why it's October 11th...
765
00:46:54,730 --> 00:46:56,690
National Coming Out Day.
766
00:46:56,710 --> 00:46:58,800
Wonderful boy, remarkable boy!
767
00:46:58,820 --> 00:47:00,670
Here's $50.
768
00:47:00,690 --> 00:47:01,800
I need you to go to the gay sex shop
769
00:47:01,820 --> 00:47:04,630
and buy me that giant dildo in the window.
770
00:47:04,650 --> 00:47:06,640
The one as big as me?
771
00:47:06,660 --> 00:47:07,790
That's the one!
772
00:47:07,810 --> 00:47:09,810
Blimey!
773
00:47:09,830 --> 00:47:11,760
Oh, Barbra, I can't thank you enough.
774
00:47:11,780 --> 00:47:13,590
Anything you want in this world,
775
00:47:13,610 --> 00:47:14,740
anything at all... it's yours.
776
00:47:14,760 --> 00:47:17,690
Well, I've always to make a sequel to Nuts.
777
00:47:17,710 --> 00:47:19,640
Eh... we'll talk.
778
00:47:19,660 --> 00:47:21,780
Now come, Peccary!
779
00:47:21,800 --> 00:47:23,780
We have things to do.
780
00:47:23,800 --> 00:47:25,740
Take me to Homo No Mo'.
781
00:47:25,760 --> 00:47:27,800
It's in SoHo. Yes, sir.
782
00:47:27,820 --> 00:47:30,780
And, Peccary? Drive as fast as you want!
783
00:47:30,800 --> 00:47:33,630
Yes, sir!
784
00:47:52,630 --> 00:47:54,610
Yoo-hoo! Rectal Roberts!
785
00:47:54,630 --> 00:47:56,670
Look who's gay again!
786
00:47:56,690 --> 00:47:59,730
No! It can't be!
787
00:47:59,750 --> 00:48:01,780
Haw haw!
788
00:48:01,800 --> 00:48:03,720
You be quiet, boy!
789
00:48:03,740 --> 00:48:06,770
Queer Duck, I will not be defeated!
790
00:48:06,790 --> 00:48:09,690
I'll keep kidnapping you and drugging you
791
00:48:09,710 --> 00:48:10,780
till I get it right!
792
00:48:10,800 --> 00:48:14,610
Sounds like a confession to me.
793
00:48:14,630 --> 00:48:15,690
Take him away, boys.
794
00:48:15,710 --> 00:48:17,730
Doh! Fine. Put me in prison.
795
00:48:17,750 --> 00:48:21,790
Just get me away from all this gay sex!
796
00:48:21,810 --> 00:48:23,800
Uh... yeah.
797
00:48:29,760 --> 00:48:32,590
Well, sir, you have your life back.
798
00:48:32,610 --> 00:48:34,750
What are you going to do now?
799
00:48:34,770 --> 00:48:36,700
Well, let's see.
800
00:48:36,720 --> 00:48:37,780
I could do volunteer work...
801
00:48:37,800 --> 00:48:40,610
help the homeless, read to the blind.
802
00:48:40,630 --> 00:48:41,730
Or...
803
00:49:29,770 --> 00:49:31,670
I could cheat with a cheetah.
804
00:49:31,690 --> 00:49:33,590
I could boff every buffalo.
805
00:49:33,610 --> 00:49:35,740
I could masturbate a Gator.
806
00:49:35,760 --> 00:49:38,640
A Gator?
807
00:49:38,660 --> 00:49:39,700
Openly Gator!
808
00:49:39,720 --> 00:49:41,650
I'm back!
809
00:49:44,740 --> 00:49:45,810
Queer Duck.
810
00:49:45,830 --> 00:49:47,720
I knew you'd be back.
811
00:49:47,740 --> 00:49:49,580
Hello, my darling Gator!
812
00:49:49,600 --> 00:49:50,800
I'm sorry for everything I put you through.
813
00:49:50,820 --> 00:49:52,730
I just want you to know,
814
00:49:52,750 --> 00:49:55,640
I'm here, I'm queer,
and I want you back, dear,
815
00:49:55,660 --> 00:49:57,640
and your wonderful rear.
816
00:49:57,660 --> 00:49:59,700
You lost me at hello. What?
817
00:49:59,720 --> 00:50:03,760
You found someone else, and so did I.
818
00:50:03,780 --> 00:50:05,630
Liza Minnelli?
819
00:50:05,650 --> 00:50:06,770
You broke my heart, Queer Duck.
820
00:50:06,790 --> 00:50:09,670
I can't let you do it again.
821
00:50:16,680 --> 00:50:17,790
I can't believe I hired
822
00:50:17,810 --> 00:50:20,700
a Liza impersonator just to hurt him.
823
00:50:20,720 --> 00:50:22,670
I'm not an impersonator!
824
00:50:22,690 --> 00:50:25,710
I'm the real Liza!
825
00:50:25,730 --> 00:50:28,580
Oh, right. You were cheaper.
826
00:50:28,600 --> 00:50:30,670
Don't hurt a person!
827
00:50:37,830 --> 00:50:41,690
Sir, if I may say, you've
been through quite a bit.
828
00:50:43,810 --> 00:50:46,770
You won a Tony,
but you lost your true love.
829
00:50:46,790 --> 00:50:48,730
You've been married, widowed,
830
00:50:48,750 --> 00:50:50,810
gay, straight, gay again,
831
00:50:50,830 --> 00:50:53,600
dirt poor, and filthy rich.
832
00:50:53,620 --> 00:50:55,670
Yeah, it's been a busy weekend.
What's your point?
833
00:50:55,690 --> 00:50:57,750
I think it's time you made a fresh start...
834
00:50:57,770 --> 00:51:00,720
enjoy your money, live a little!
835
00:51:00,740 --> 00:51:01,770
You're right!
836
00:51:01,790 --> 00:51:03,690
What should we do first?
837
00:51:04,780 --> 00:51:07,810
Let's redecorate.
838
00:51:12,630 --> 00:51:15,690
What is this? Buddy Ebsen's colostomy bag?
839
00:51:17,720 --> 00:51:20,580
What died in here?
840
00:51:20,600 --> 00:51:21,620
My wife.
841
00:51:21,640 --> 00:51:22,630
Oh.
842
00:51:22,650 --> 00:51:23,780
Flamin'!
843
00:51:28,800 --> 00:51:30,660
Adios! Ciao!
844
00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:31,740
Wait!
845
00:51:34,740 --> 00:51:37,680
I guess it's up to us.
846
00:51:49,770 --> 00:51:53,740
This chimney hasn't been
cleaned in 10 years.
847
00:51:53,760 --> 00:51:55,680
I'll do it right up, guv'nor.
848
00:51:55,700 --> 00:51:56,780
And could you sing
849
00:51:56,800 --> 00:51:58,720
one of your merry chimney sweep songs?
850
00:51:58,740 --> 00:52:01,650
I 'aven't got one. Then make one up.
851
00:52:11,620 --> 00:52:13,700
Cor, what's this then?
852
00:52:15,610 --> 00:52:17,680
Emilio Estevez?
853
00:52:17,700 --> 00:52:19,830
So that's where you've been.
854
00:52:25,700 --> 00:52:27,800
Girls, I've been neglecting you,
855
00:52:27,820 --> 00:52:29,700
but I want to make up for it.
856
00:52:29,720 --> 00:52:31,750
Now, I know I can't buy your friendship...
857
00:52:31,770 --> 00:52:32,790
You can buy mine.
858
00:52:32,810 --> 00:52:34,700
I come surprisingly cheap.
859
00:52:34,720 --> 00:52:37,630
Great! Let me be
your fairy fairy godmother.
860
00:52:37,650 --> 00:52:39,750
Anything you want, I'll get it for you.
861
00:52:39,770 --> 00:52:41,760
I would've liked
a bigger part in this movie.
862
00:52:41,780 --> 00:52:43,600
Yes, yes.
863
00:52:43,620 --> 00:52:45,650
I'm a very popular character.
864
00:52:45,670 --> 00:52:46,800
I know. Maybe in the sequel.
865
00:52:46,820 --> 00:52:49,730
Yeah, I'm holdin' my breath.
866
00:52:49,750 --> 00:52:51,620
How about you, Oscar?
867
00:52:51,640 --> 00:52:53,820
There is one dream I've always had...
868
00:52:55,750 --> 00:52:57,610
The House and Closet Channel
869
00:52:57,630 --> 00:52:58,710
is proud to present...
870
00:52:58,730 --> 00:53:01,760
Antiques Sideshow, With Oscar Wildcat.
871
00:53:01,780 --> 00:53:04,590
I done found this in a trash heap.
872
00:53:04,610 --> 00:53:05,670
It looks like
873
00:53:05,690 --> 00:53:07,790
that little girl from The Exorcist.
874
00:53:07,810 --> 00:53:09,640
Indeed it is.
875
00:53:09,660 --> 00:53:11,720
That is a Linda Blair pepper mill.
876
00:53:11,740 --> 00:53:14,590
The head turns around,
just like in the film.
877
00:53:14,610 --> 00:53:17,690
Aah! Your mother blows Nixon in hell.
878
00:53:17,710 --> 00:53:19,630
I have little doubt.
879
00:53:19,650 --> 00:53:23,650
I'd say this is worth
between 10 and 12 dollars.
880
00:53:23,670 --> 00:53:24,830
I'm rich!
881
00:53:26,690 --> 00:53:28,610
And what have you got for us today?
882
00:53:28,630 --> 00:53:29,720
Nothing much.
883
00:53:29,740 --> 00:53:31,710
Just this old earring from the sixties.
884
00:53:31,730 --> 00:53:35,670
Do you... know Regina?
885
00:53:35,690 --> 00:53:39,750
I was Regina... back in my drag days.
886
00:53:39,770 --> 00:53:41,630
No!
887
00:53:41,650 --> 00:53:43,660
It was you.
888
00:53:43,680 --> 00:53:44,700
Yes.
889
00:53:44,720 --> 00:53:46,640
But Reverend Van Der Gelding
890
00:53:46,660 --> 00:53:49,710
showed me how sick and ugly that life was.
891
00:53:49,730 --> 00:53:51,640
Oh. I see.
892
00:53:51,660 --> 00:53:52,820
Why do you ask?
893
00:53:55,610 --> 00:53:57,610
That was you that night?
894
00:53:57,630 --> 00:53:59,680
Darling!
895
00:53:59,700 --> 00:54:01,580
I thought you were a woman.
896
00:54:01,600 --> 00:54:03,590
Oh, yes, I was very good.
897
00:54:03,610 --> 00:54:04,740
Rowr.
898
00:54:04,760 --> 00:54:08,680
All these years of
heterosexual panic for nothing!
899
00:54:10,600 --> 00:54:11,630
Oh, yes!
900
00:54:11,650 --> 00:54:12,660
Ooh! Oh!
901
00:54:12,680 --> 00:54:13,810
Oh, it's coming back to me.
902
00:54:18,620 --> 00:54:19,660
Turn it off!
903
00:54:19,680 --> 00:54:21,640
Turn it off!
904
00:54:21,660 --> 00:54:23,660
All right.
905
00:54:23,680 --> 00:54:26,620
How can we keep him chained up like that?
906
00:54:26,640 --> 00:54:27,690
It was his idea.
907
00:54:27,710 --> 00:54:29,700
This is a minimum security prison.
908
00:54:41,690 --> 00:54:42,671
Oh, you!
909
00:54:42,691 --> 00:54:44,630
Oh, yes!
910
00:54:44,650 --> 00:54:47,620
I saw this happen once on Anderson Cooper.
911
00:54:49,620 --> 00:54:50,750
It's your turn, Bi Polar Bear.
912
00:54:50,770 --> 00:54:53,590
What can I do for you?
913
00:54:53,610 --> 00:54:54,680
Well, when I was a kid,
914
00:54:54,700 --> 00:54:57,610
I was always chosen last for baseball.
915
00:54:57,630 --> 00:54:59,740
Wow! I never got chosen at all.
916
00:54:59,760 --> 00:55:02,780
Then I think you know
where I'm coming from.
917
00:55:07,760 --> 00:55:10,650
And now, to throw out the first ball...
918
00:55:10,670 --> 00:55:13,630
the general manager of the Houston Homos...
919
00:55:13,650 --> 00:55:15,680
Bi Polar Bear!
920
00:55:15,700 --> 00:55:19,620
Unh!
921
00:56:25,680 --> 00:56:27,600
Yoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!
922
00:56:27,620 --> 00:56:28,780
Don't you dare slide!
923
00:56:28,800 --> 00:56:30,800
That's an Armani uniform!
924
00:56:55,600 --> 00:56:56,710
Hey, hey, hey!
925
00:57:10,630 --> 00:57:11,700
All right! Foot-long!
926
00:57:11,720 --> 00:57:12,780
Who wants a foot-long?
927
00:57:12,800 --> 00:57:14,760
I got a foot-long here! How much?
928
00:57:14,780 --> 00:57:17,620
10 bucks to see it, 20 to touch.
929
00:57:17,640 --> 00:57:19,670
Let's go.
930
00:57:19,690 --> 00:57:22,790
Queer Duck, you've brought
so much joy with your money.
931
00:57:22,810 --> 00:57:25,580
What are you going to do next?
932
00:57:25,600 --> 00:57:27,630
I'm going to buy Happyland!
933
00:57:32,770 --> 00:57:34,670
I would like to turn this place
934
00:57:34,690 --> 00:57:37,710
into America's first gay theme park.
935
00:57:37,730 --> 00:57:39,660
Oh, I don't think so.
936
00:57:39,680 --> 00:57:42,600
You see, Happyland was passed on to me
937
00:57:42,620 --> 00:57:45,710
by my father, Fritz Happy.
938
00:57:45,730 --> 00:57:47,640
Your family is really named Happy?
939
00:57:47,660 --> 00:57:49,580
Well, actually, it's Hittler...
940
00:57:49,600 --> 00:57:50,730
with two Ts.
941
00:57:50,750 --> 00:57:55,760
And my father believed
in strong family values...
942
00:57:55,780 --> 00:57:59,620
Holy crap sticks! Take it!
943
00:57:59,640 --> 00:58:01,710
How do you like that, down there, Dad? Huh?
944
00:58:01,730 --> 00:58:03,760
How do you like it?!
945
00:58:25,700 --> 00:58:26,740
Beat it, hetero.
946
00:58:40,670 --> 00:58:41,760
Fairyland,
947
00:58:41,780 --> 00:58:45,780
the all-gay amusement park, opens tomorrow!
948
00:58:45,800 --> 00:58:49,790
Whether you're gay, bi,
transgender, or metrosexual,
949
00:58:49,810 --> 00:58:51,680
you'll want to come for the fun.
950
00:58:51,700 --> 00:58:52,790
So come to Fairyland tomorrow
951
00:58:52,810 --> 00:58:54,740
and check out my opening!
952
00:58:54,760 --> 00:58:57,730
Nooo!
953
00:59:04,790 --> 00:59:06,670
He's going over the wall.
954
00:59:06,690 --> 00:59:07,830
Aah!
955
00:59:09,670 --> 00:59:10,800
Why? The gate's open.
956
00:59:16,740 --> 00:59:18,640
Oh, no.
957
00:59:18,660 --> 00:59:20,800
Are you gonna melt down on me again?
958
00:59:20,820 --> 00:59:23,810
No. I'm in a very happy place right now.
959
00:59:23,830 --> 00:59:25,680
Waiting tables is what I do,
960
00:59:25,700 --> 00:59:27,650
and I'm damn good at it.
961
00:59:27,670 --> 00:59:30,640
Glad to hear it. Could I have
6 blooming onions?
962
00:59:30,660 --> 00:59:32,780
Hello, Artie? What?!
963
00:59:32,800 --> 00:59:34,630
I'll be right there!
964
00:59:34,650 --> 00:59:37,600
I got a part! And it is so me!
965
00:59:37,620 --> 00:59:39,740
I'm playing an admiral!
966
00:59:39,760 --> 00:59:41,660
Well, gee, that's great.
967
00:59:48,710 --> 00:59:50,780
I'm gonna kill my agent.
968
00:59:53,830 --> 00:59:55,660
Ahoy!
969
00:59:55,680 --> 00:59:57,780
Come hear tales of the gay white whale,
970
00:59:57,800 --> 01:00:00,650
mostly dick.
971
01:00:00,670 --> 01:00:03,790
Look... it's the Seven Gay Dwarfs!
972
01:00:03,810 --> 01:00:05,620
There's Queeny.
973
01:00:05,640 --> 01:00:06,760
Of course, Bitchy.
974
01:00:06,780 --> 01:00:07,800
Screamer, Flamer.
975
01:00:07,820 --> 01:00:09,750
There's Prancer. Hello!
976
01:00:09,770 --> 01:00:11,590
And Mincer.
977
01:00:11,610 --> 01:00:12,830
Oh, and there's David Sedaris!
978
01:00:24,730 --> 01:00:26,680
Uh, queens out in Queens.
979
01:00:26,700 --> 01:00:28,710
There are gays in Tangiers.
980
01:00:37,760 --> 01:00:40,780
Those dolls look So life-like.
981
01:00:40,800 --> 01:00:43,750
Help us! We're so hungry.
982
01:00:45,680 --> 01:00:46,710
What a day!
983
01:00:46,730 --> 01:00:48,690
I feel like a young boy.
984
01:00:48,710 --> 01:00:51,620
Uh-huh. But there's never one
around when you want one.
985
01:00:55,720 --> 01:00:58,680
Every gay person in town is here!
986
01:00:58,700 --> 01:01:00,750
Can you believe it, Peccary?
987
01:01:02,760 --> 01:01:05,620
Pffft!
988
01:01:05,640 --> 01:01:06,720
Aah!
989
01:01:08,640 --> 01:01:11,760
Welcome to the Hall of Salty Seamen.
990
01:01:11,780 --> 01:01:13,720
There is no eating, drinking,
991
01:01:13,740 --> 01:01:16,750
talking, kissing, groping, sucking, fu...
992
01:01:18,620 --> 01:01:20,680
Oh, fine. Just clean up after yourselves.
993
01:01:20,700 --> 01:01:23,760
Our story begins with the brave gay whalers
994
01:01:23,780 --> 01:01:26,620
of Provincetown.
995
01:01:26,640 --> 01:01:28,600
Thar he blows!
996
01:01:28,620 --> 01:01:30,650
It's Mostly Dick!
997
01:01:31,760 --> 01:01:33,810
'Tis a sperm whale to be sure.
998
01:01:33,830 --> 01:01:36,820
I've never seen one
so big... that was white.
999
01:01:39,640 --> 01:01:40,730
Psst... Gator.
1000
01:01:40,750 --> 01:01:42,710
Come quick. It's important.
1001
01:01:42,730 --> 01:01:44,700
Um, I'll just be minute.
1002
01:01:44,720 --> 01:01:48,640
In the meantime, please enjoy
this classic gay sea chantey,
1003
01:01:48,660 --> 01:01:51,630
The Rectum of Edmund Fits Gerald.
1004
01:01:58,720 --> 01:01:59,800
What have you done with Peccary?
1005
01:01:59,820 --> 01:02:01,760
I slipped some drugs in his food.
1006
01:02:01,780 --> 01:02:04,730
When he passed out,
I stripped his clothes off.
1007
01:02:04,750 --> 01:02:07,810
Ah... the old camp counselor trick.
1008
01:02:07,830 --> 01:02:09,800
We're worried about Queer Duck.
1009
01:02:09,820 --> 01:02:11,790
Queer Duck is none of my concern.
1010
01:02:11,810 --> 01:02:13,670
We've gone our separate ways,
1011
01:02:13,690 --> 01:02:15,670
and I couldn't be happier.
1012
01:02:15,690 --> 01:02:17,590
But we think he's in danger.
1013
01:02:17,610 --> 01:02:18,690
My baby's in trouble?
1014
01:02:18,710 --> 01:02:19,790
Oh, my gay god!
1015
01:02:19,810 --> 01:02:21,690
We've gotta help him!
1016
01:02:26,680 --> 01:02:31,600
Hey, Mr. Duckstein, here I am!
1017
01:02:31,620 --> 01:02:33,760
You know, that boat doesn't go anywhere.
1018
01:02:33,780 --> 01:02:35,610
Oh, right.
1019
01:02:37,830 --> 01:02:39,770
Thank you, Queer Duck,
1020
01:02:39,790 --> 01:02:42,740
for getting all these
homosexuals in one place.
1021
01:02:42,760 --> 01:02:44,600
What are you going to do?
1022
01:02:44,620 --> 01:02:45,660
Remember this stuff?
1023
01:02:48,640 --> 01:02:50,590
It turned you straight.
1024
01:02:50,610 --> 01:02:52,610
And now I'm going to spray it
1025
01:02:52,630 --> 01:02:54,700
on all your little gay friends down there.
1026
01:02:54,720 --> 01:02:57,580
You bastard!
1027
01:02:57,600 --> 01:02:59,600
You know, for a heterosexual,
1028
01:02:59,620 --> 01:03:00,760
you tie really good knots.
1029
01:03:00,780 --> 01:03:02,690
Oh, you.
1030
01:03:06,650 --> 01:03:08,710
That crazy reverend escaped from prison,
1031
01:03:08,730 --> 01:03:10,650
and now Queer Duck is missing.
1032
01:03:10,670 --> 01:03:13,630
OK, if we combine all our special talents,
1033
01:03:13,650 --> 01:03:14,790
I know we can find him.
1034
01:03:14,810 --> 01:03:17,670
I have no special talents. Me, neither.
1035
01:03:17,690 --> 01:03:19,640
I can crack walnuts with my ass.
1036
01:03:19,660 --> 01:03:23,780
I've eaten walnuts in your home.
1037
01:03:23,800 --> 01:03:25,710
Let's fan out and search the park.
1038
01:03:25,730 --> 01:03:27,620
He's not in the park.
1039
01:03:27,640 --> 01:03:29,690
He's up there.
1040
01:03:43,610 --> 01:03:45,630
Attention, homosexuals.
1041
01:03:45,650 --> 01:03:48,720
In just one minute, the Fairyland blimp
1042
01:03:48,740 --> 01:03:51,730
will be spraying free cosmopolitans!
1043
01:03:54,810 --> 01:03:57,760
Whoo! Whoo!
1044
01:04:04,670 --> 01:04:06,760
Operation Straight Shooter
1045
01:04:06,780 --> 01:04:09,770
set to commence in 60 seconds.
1046
01:04:44,620 --> 01:04:46,740
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God...
1047
01:04:46,760 --> 01:04:49,750
Oh, crap, I left my lights on.
1048
01:04:53,710 --> 01:04:56,780
45 seconds to big squirt.
1049
01:04:56,800 --> 01:04:58,720
What the hell...
1050
01:05:00,700 --> 01:05:02,660
Openly Gator!
1051
01:05:02,680 --> 01:05:04,710
Queer Duck!
1052
01:05:04,730 --> 01:05:06,780
Give him back, you bitch!
1053
01:05:06,800 --> 01:05:08,710
Rrr!
1054
01:05:08,730 --> 01:05:11,630
Uh-uh-uh-uh!
1055
01:05:11,650 --> 01:05:12,680
We're dead.
1056
01:05:15,700 --> 01:05:18,600
30 seconds to big squirt.
1057
01:05:18,620 --> 01:05:20,620
Give up? Make me.
1058
01:05:20,640 --> 01:05:23,590
The power of the Lord commands you!
1059
01:05:23,610 --> 01:05:25,600
No, I don't.
1060
01:05:25,620 --> 01:05:27,700
Jesus! Get it off, get it off, get it off!
1061
01:05:31,680 --> 01:05:34,630
15 seconds to big squirt.
1062
01:05:34,650 --> 01:05:36,690
Shut up.
1063
01:05:43,620 --> 01:05:44,720
We're gonna crash!
1064
01:05:44,740 --> 01:05:46,590
Aah!
1065
01:05:46,610 --> 01:05:47,591
Ohh!
1066
01:05:47,611 --> 01:05:48,780
Aah!
1067
01:05:48,800 --> 01:05:50,750
Aah!
1068
01:05:53,760 --> 01:05:55,580
Help us, Lord!
1069
01:05:55,600 --> 01:05:57,660
Hello? I'm like 3 inches tall.
1070
01:05:57,680 --> 01:05:58,790
We better get off this thing.
1071
01:05:58,810 --> 01:06:01,740
You think? These are really good knots.
1072
01:06:01,760 --> 01:06:02,800
I know.
1073
01:06:06,660 --> 01:06:08,710
Aah! Aah!
1074
01:06:08,730 --> 01:06:09,740
Ouch! Oh!
1075
01:06:09,760 --> 01:06:10,780
Oh! Ooh!
1076
01:06:10,800 --> 01:06:12,810
Ow! Ohh!
1077
01:06:15,630 --> 01:06:19,610
Aah!
1078
01:06:31,630 --> 01:06:33,810
Commence big squirt.
1079
01:07:07,680 --> 01:07:09,700
Hey, I'm Jesus.
1080
01:07:12,640 --> 01:07:14,810
Oh, Queer Duck, I feel
just like Richard Gere,
1081
01:07:14,830 --> 01:07:17,620
if he was gay.
1082
01:07:17,640 --> 01:07:19,630
Does this mean you forgive me?
1083
01:07:19,650 --> 01:07:21,600
Who can stay mad at you?
1084
01:07:22,690 --> 01:07:24,780
Are you gay to stay this time?
1085
01:07:24,800 --> 01:07:27,820
You bet your gorgeous ass I am.
1086
01:07:59,680 --> 01:08:01,780
You beat the Royals.
1087
01:08:23,730 --> 01:08:25,610
Louis Armstrong?
1088
01:08:25,630 --> 01:08:26,700
Every romantic comedy
1089
01:08:26,720 --> 01:08:28,680
ends with a Louis Armstrong number.
1090
01:08:38,760 --> 01:08:39,780
He's gonna blow!
1091
01:08:52,630 --> 01:08:53,680
I do!
1092
01:09:00,700 --> 01:09:02,660
Openly Gator? Say it loud!
1093
01:09:02,680 --> 01:09:04,650
Dick Cheney's daughter? I'm so proud.
1094
01:09:04,670 --> 01:09:05,780
Rex and Oscar? Celebrate.
1095
01:09:05,800 --> 01:09:07,580
Conan O'Brien?
1096
01:09:07,600 --> 01:09:09,590
I swear I'm straight!
1097
01:09:09,610 --> 01:09:10,750
Erotic! Erratic!
1098
01:09:10,770 --> 01:09:13,660
And mostly democratic!
1099
01:09:25,830 --> 01:09:27,710
We're so glad!
1100
01:09:29,690 --> 01:09:30,710
We're so glad!
1101
01:09:55,800 --> 01:09:57,790
I love that movie!
1102
01:09:57,810 --> 01:09:59,630
It gave me tingles!
1103
01:09:59,650 --> 01:10:00,730
Smack those feathers!
1104
01:10:00,750 --> 01:10:02,790
Yeah! Pluck me! Pluck me! Pluck me!
1105
01:10:02,810 --> 01:10:05,620
It's Gator. I hate to bother you,
1106
01:10:05,640 --> 01:10:07,590
but I didn't know who else to call!
1107
01:10:07,610 --> 01:10:10,630
I can crack walnuts with my butt.
1108
01:10:10,650 --> 01:10:13,750
Put down the goddamn trumpet!
1109
01:10:13,770 --> 01:10:15,790
All right, foot-long!
Who wants a foot-long?
1110
01:10:15,810 --> 01:10:17,760
I got a foot-long here! How much?
1111
01:10:17,780 --> 01:10:19,760
10 bucks to see it, 20 to touch.
1112
01:10:19,780 --> 01:10:21,620
Let's go.
1113
01:10:21,640 --> 01:10:23,770
Oh, yes, I was very good.
1114
01:10:23,790 --> 01:10:25,740
Rowr.
1115
01:10:25,760 --> 01:10:28,650
It's charming. I give them
warm cookies and milk.
1116
01:10:28,670 --> 01:10:29,780
It's not sexual.
1117
01:10:29,800 --> 01:10:32,800
The trick is to unhinge your jaw
like a python.
1118
01:10:32,820 --> 01:10:36,770
All across America, fags are at half mast.
1119
01:10:39,750 --> 01:10:42,610
God, that's funny!
1120
01:11:45,660 --> 01:11:46,710
Shh!
1121
01:11:46,730 --> 01:11:49,600
Oh, hush yourself, bitch.
73718
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