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>> LaFonda: TONIGHT ON
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"NEWSREADERS," ASTRONAUTS IN
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SPACE -- HOW DO THEY POOP?
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SIX FAMOUS ASTRONAUTS REFUSE TO
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TELL US.
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AND CAN RACISTS LIKE SALSA
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DANCING?
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WE'LL MEET ONE WHITE SUPREMACIST
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WHO SAYS, "CLARO QUE Sí."
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ALSO, BABY ASPIRIN AND VANILLA
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EXTRACT -- IS IT A REVOLUTIONARY
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NEW CURE FOR BALDNESS?
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NOPE.
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ALL THAT AND MORE TONIGHT, ON
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"NEWSREADERS."
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FOR GENERATIONS, AMERICANS HAVE
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BEEN WAGING A LOSING WAR ON
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OBESITY.
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WE'VE TRIED EVERYTHING --
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DIETING, JUICE FASTS, BULIMIA.
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BUT NONE OF IT HAS WORKED.
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BUT THERE IS ONE TOWN THAT IS
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WINNING THE BATTLE OF THE BULGE.
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RIVERTON, OHIO, THE RECORD
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HOLDER FOR FITTEST TOWN IN
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AMERICA 20 YEARS RUNNING.
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JUST WHAT IS RIVERTON'S SECRET?
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SADEE DEENUS WON'T ANSWER THAT
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QUESTION, BUT SHE'LL ASK A FEW
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OF HER OWN.
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>> WALKING DOWN THE ROAD HERE IN
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RIVERTON, OHIO, IS LIKE STEPPING
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BACK IN TIME...
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IF THERE EVER WAS A TIME WHEN
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AMERICANS WEREN'T MORBIDLY
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OBESE.
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FATNESS IS SEWN INTO THE VERY
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FABRIC OF OUR DEMOCRACY.
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EVEN OUR NAMES ARE FAT, FROM
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ABOLITIONIST HARRIET TUBMAN TO
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26th U.S. PRESIDENT
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PORKPIE SWELLBOTTOM.
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BUT IT TURNS OUT THE FITTEST
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TOWN IN THE COUNTRY ALSO HAS
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MORE FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS PER
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CAPITA THAN ANY OTHER CITY.
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AND HERE'S THE REAL KICK IN
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THE NUTS -- NO GYMS.
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SO AGAINST THESE ODDS, HOW DOES
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RIVERTON STAY SO FIT AND TRIM?
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RIVERTON MAYOR VINCENT GATES.
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>> OKAY, PEOPLE HERE DON'T THINK
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ABOUT STAYING FIT.
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WE DON'T HAVE TIME.
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WE'RE TOO BUSY THINKING ABOUT
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HARD WORK AND PROVIDING FOR OUR
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FAMILIES.
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>> IT'S BEEN SAID THAT IF RUBENS
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COULD REPRISE HIS FULL-FIGURED
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NUDES HERE IN RIVERTON, HE'D
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SAVE A LOT OF MONEY ON PAINT.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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>> OKAY, LET ME TELL YOU, WE
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DO NOT HAVE A LOT OF TIME FOR
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WORDPLAY IN RIVERTON.
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BUT IF WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO
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SAY WITH THAT WEIRD POEM THAT
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YOU WERE SAYING IS, YES, THAT'S
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ACCURATE.
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YOU WOULD BE HARD PRESSED TO
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CALL US A BUNCH OF FAT [BLEEP]
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>> FAT [BLEEP]
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THAT'S VERY STRONG.
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>> I'M NOT SAYING THAT FAT
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PEOPLE ARE NOT AS HARDWORKING
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AS WE ARE.
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BUT THEY AREN'T.
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PLUS, I AM VERY STRONG.
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>> HOW DID YOU GET THAT WAY WITH
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NO GYMS IN TOWN?
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>> OKAY, SIX WAYS...
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HARD WORK, REALLY STRONG,
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NO WORDPLAY, FAT [BLEEP]
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JUST NORMAL FOLKS.
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>> I SPOKE TO SOME OF THESE
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"NORMAL FOLK," THE RUBYS, IN
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THEIR TYPICAL RIVERTON KITCHEN.
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SO, HOW DO YOU STAY SO FIT?
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>> OH, WE'RE JUST HARDWORKING,
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I GUESS.
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>> YOU'RE SALT OF THE EARTH, YET
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YOU CAN EAT ALL THE SALT YOU
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WANT.
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>> WELL, WE'RE NOT MUCH INTO
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WORDPLAY AROUND HERE.
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YOU KNOW, PLUS, I GOT CONFUSED
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BECAUSE SALT IS NOT ASSOCIATED
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WITH WEIGHT GAIN.
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>> SALT CAN CAUSE WATER
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RETENTION, YEAH.
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>> OH, YOU SEE, WE'RE JUST
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HARDWORKING PEOPLE.
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I DON'T -- WATER RETENTION TAKES
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A LOT OF TIME.
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>> MM-HMM.
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LOGAN, YOU CAN'T WORK ALL THE
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TIME.
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DO YOU HAVE ANY HOBBIES, A
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GIRLFRIEND MAYBE?
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>> UM, I DO HAVE A GIRLFRIEND,
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AND IT'S A SUPER-SECRET
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FORBIDDEN RELATIONSHIP THAT
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WOULD GO A LONG WAY TOWARDS
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SOLVING THE MYSTERY OF HOW WE
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STAY SO FIT.
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AND IT WOULD DESTROY MY PARENTS
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IF THEY FOUND OUT.
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>> UH...
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>> OH, THEY'RE DEAF.
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[ AIR HORN BLOWS ]
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THEY READ LIPS.
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OH, AND BEFORE I FORGET...
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PADDLE BOATS.
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>> PADDLE BOATS.
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>> IT'S LIKE "ROSEBUD" AT THE
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END OF "CITIZEN KANE."
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YOU'LL FIGURE IT OUT AT SOME
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POINT.
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>> OH, I'LL FIGURE IT OUT BEFORE
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THEN.
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[ SCOFFS ]
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WE ASKED NUTRITIONIST
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DR. LANEY TRAMMINGS ABOUT ALL
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THE STUFF WE'VE BEEN TALKING
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ABOUT WITH THE FIT TOWN AND SO
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FORTH AND AND HOW EVERYBODY IN
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ONE TOWN COULD POSSIBLY BE SO
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PHYSICALLY FIT.
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>> [ SIGHS ]
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LOOK, I DON'T KNOW, YOU KNOW.
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WHO CARES?
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THAT'S JUST I NEED -- TO BE
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SURROUNDED BY A BUNCH OF SKINNY
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BITCHES, OKAY?
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I'VE HAD TWO KIDS, VAGINALLY.
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NOT C-SECTION.
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THIS -- THIS IS MY BODY.
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I'M NOT -- I'M HAPPY WITH IT.
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>> YOU KNOW, ABSOLUTELY.
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SHE DIDN'T HAVE THE ANSWERS TO
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WHY EVERYBODY STAYED SO FIT.
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MAYBE LOGAN RUBY DID.
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I TAGGED ALONG WITH HIM AS HE
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DELIVERED PIZZAS TO BRIDGEBERG,
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THE TOWN ACROSS THE BRIDGE FROM
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RIVERTON, THE ONE THAT'S FULL OF
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FAT PEOPLE.
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[ KNOCK ON DOOR ]
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>> HEY. HOW ARE YOU?
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HERE YOU GO.
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AND YOUR DIPPING SAUCE.
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THANK YOU.
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>> HI, LOGAN.
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>> GET OVER HERE YOU FAT [BLEEP]
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>> [ CHUCKLES ]
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>> BYE, BABY.
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>> IMAGINE IF YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO
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BIKE OVER HERE 14 TIMES A DAY,
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BURNING ALL of THOSE CALORIES
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JUST TO FEED US, WE NEVER WOULD
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HAVE MET.
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BYE.
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>> SUDDENLY IT WAS ALL ADDING
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UP.
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THE OBVIOUS ANSWER TO HOW
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EVERYBODY IN RIVERTON STAYED SO
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FIT.
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[ Shouting ] IS IT BECAUSE
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EVERYONE HERE IS DEAF, SO THEY
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CAN'T HEAR COMMERCIALS FOR
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FAST-FOOD RESTAURANTS?
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>> WHY ARE YOU YELLING?
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>> SO YOU CAN READ MY LIPS
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BETTER.
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>> NO, WE ONLY HAVE TWO DEAFIES
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IN TOWN, AND THEY BOTH GOT
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DEAFED UP FROM WORKING AT THE
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SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER FACTORY.
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EXCUSE ME, I'M SORRY.
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THAT CAME OFF OFFENSIVE.
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UM, SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER PLANT IS
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WHERE THOSE DEAFIES GOT DEAF.
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>> OKAY.
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>> DEAFED UP.
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>> WELL, I GUESS I JUST HAVE ONE
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MORE QUESTION, THEN.
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DOES LOGAN RUBY HAVE A
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GIRLFRIEND?
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MY QUESTIONS TO MAYOR GATES AND
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THE RESIDENTS OF RIVERTON WERE
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FALLING ON DEAF EARS.
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PERHAPS I WAS ASKING THE RIGHT
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QUESTIONS BUT TO THE WRONG
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PEOPLE.
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SO I DECIDED TO ASK A PERSON
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WITH MUCH LARGER EARS,
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BRIDGEBERG MAYOR
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MARJORIE KALESMITH.
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WHAT IS IT ABOUT A
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SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER FACTORY THAT
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WOULD MAKE PEOPLE GO DEAF?
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IS IT REAL LOUD IN THERE?
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>> WELL, I HAVEN'T BEEN INSIDE A
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SEAT-BELT-EXTENDER FACTORY, BUT
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I HAVE BEEN INSIDE A SEAT BELT
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THAT'S BEEN EXTENDED, AND I DID
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NOT LOSE MY HEARING.
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WE HERE IN BRIDGEBERG HAVE SIX
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PROBLEMS -- SLEEP APNEA,
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FURNITURE-BREAKAGE-RELATED
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INJURIES, TYPE 2 DIABETES,
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TYPE 3 DIABETES, WHICH EXISTS
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ONLY HERE IN BRIDGEBERG, PAINFUL
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HEART ATTACKS, AND TAKING OUR
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RINGS OFF AT THE END OF THE DAY.
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>> SO I GUESS YOU COULD SAY THAT
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IF RUBENS WERE ALIVE TODAY, HE
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COULD REPRISE HIS FAMOUS NUDES
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HERE IN BRIDGEBERG AND NOT HAVE
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ENOUGH PAINT.
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>> [ Laughing ] OH! THAT'S A
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GOOD ONE!
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THAT'S -- RUBENS PAINTED FAT
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LADIES!
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OH, THERE IS NOTHING I LOVE MORE
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THAN WORDPLAY.
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[ CHUCKLES ]
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OH, EXCEPT FOR DIPPING SAUCE.
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>> SO THE MAYOR OF BRIDGEBERG
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ALSO PROVED TO BE A "DEAF" END.
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AND IT SEEMED THIS MYSTERY
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WOULD NEVER BE SOLVED UNTIL A
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LUCKY BREAK I GOT THIS VERY
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MORNING WHEN A SUPPORT COLLAPSED
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AND THE BRIDGE CONNECTING THESE
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TWO TOWNS WAS CLOSED.
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NOW THE PEOPLE OF BRIDGEBERG
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CAN'T GET FOOD DELIVERED.
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AND LOGAN RUBY HAS NO WAY TO
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SEE HIS -- OH, WAIT.
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HE DOES HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.
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BUT THERE'S STILL ONE MYSTERY
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LEFT UNSOLVED.
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>> HOW WE'RE GONNA EXPLAIN OUR
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FORBIDDEN ROMANCE TO TWO TOWNS
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THAT NEVER INTERMINGLE?
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>> HMM?
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NO, NO, THAT WASN'T IT AT ALL,
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BUT, YEAH, LET'S DO THAT ONE.
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>> WE'LL DELIVER GOODS BACK AND
261
00:07:01,889 --> 00:07:03,659
FORTH ON PADDLE BOATS, WHICH
262
00:07:03,657 --> 00:07:05,557
WILL ENGENDER GOOD WILL ON BOTH
263
00:07:05,559 --> 00:07:06,789
SIDES IN BOTH TOWNS.
264
00:07:06,794 --> 00:07:08,134
OUR RELATIONSHIP WILL BE
265
00:07:08,128 --> 00:07:08,928
CELEBRATED.
266
00:07:08,929 --> 00:07:10,829
WE'LL BE HEROES.
267
00:07:10,831 --> 00:07:12,071
>> I DON'T -- I THOUGHT WE WERE
268
00:07:12,065 --> 00:07:13,965
DOING DEAF STUFF.
269
00:07:13,967 --> 00:07:15,537
OKAY.
270
00:07:15,536 --> 00:07:17,096
ROSEBUD WAS THE PADDLE BOAT,
271
00:07:17,104 --> 00:07:18,814
JUST LIKE IN "CITIZEN KANE."
272
00:07:18,806 --> 00:07:20,066
BUT ONE THING STILL DIDN'T ADD
273
00:07:20,073 --> 00:07:20,873
UP.
274
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:21,914
HARD WORK...
275
00:07:21,909 --> 00:07:22,739
>> MM-HMM.
276
00:07:22,743 --> 00:07:23,713
>> ...REALLY STRONG...
277
00:07:23,711 --> 00:07:24,581
>> MM.
278
00:07:24,578 --> 00:07:25,508
>> ...NO WORDPLAY...
279
00:07:25,513 --> 00:07:25,953
>> MM-HMM.
280
00:07:25,946 --> 00:07:27,676
>> ...FAT [BLEEP]
281
00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:28,751
JUST NORMAL FOLK.
282
00:07:28,749 --> 00:07:29,949
>> YEP!
283
00:07:29,950 --> 00:07:31,280
>> OKAY, WHAT'S THE SIXTH ONE,
284
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:33,094
THEN?
285
00:07:33,086 --> 00:07:36,586
>> OH, UH, FOOD DELIVERIES.
286
00:07:36,590 --> 00:07:37,260
>> I DON'T GET IT.
287
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:38,657
>> UH, WE DELIVER FOOD, AND
288
00:07:38,659 --> 00:07:41,089
THOSE FAT [BLEEP] GOBBLE IT UP.
289
00:07:41,094 --> 00:07:42,264
I DON'T KNOW WHY THAT DIDN'T
290
00:07:42,262 --> 00:07:43,132
OCCUR TO ME BEFORE.
291
00:07:43,130 --> 00:07:44,100
THAT'S THE SIXTH ONE.
292
00:07:44,097 --> 00:07:45,527
THAT SHOULD ALMOST BE THE FIRST
293
00:07:45,533 --> 00:07:45,803
ONE.
294
00:07:45,799 --> 00:07:47,069
>> LaFonda: AND NOW SKIP REMING
295
00:07:47,067 --> 00:07:48,537
IS HERE WITH THE KIND OF WISDOM
296
00:07:48,536 --> 00:07:50,866
YOU CAN'T GET ANYWHERE ELSE...
297
00:07:50,871 --> 00:07:53,041
EXCEPT FOR REALLY OLD-SCHOOL
298
00:07:53,040 --> 00:07:54,910
BARBER SHOPS AND VFWs.
299
00:07:54,908 --> 00:07:56,578
>> PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME
300
00:07:56,577 --> 00:07:57,137
TWO THINGS.
301
00:07:57,144 --> 00:07:58,654
"HEY, MISTER, DID YOU JUST CRAP
302
00:07:58,646 --> 00:07:59,546
IN MY KOI POND?"
303
00:07:59,547 --> 00:08:00,877
AND "HOW DO YOU STAY IN SUCH
304
00:08:00,881 --> 00:08:01,651
GOOD SHAPE?"
305
00:08:01,649 --> 00:08:03,579
IN BOTH CASES, THE ANSWER IS
306
00:08:03,584 --> 00:08:05,554
IT'S ALL PART OF MY WORKOUT.
307
00:08:05,553 --> 00:08:07,723
I'VE BEEN DOING THE SAME REGIMEN
308
00:08:07,721 --> 00:08:09,621
EVERY MORNING FOR 47 YEARS.
309
00:08:09,623 --> 00:08:11,293
IT'S WHY I HAVE A BODY LIKE A
310
00:08:11,291 --> 00:08:13,261
SACK FULL OF IRON SQUIRRELS ALL
311
00:08:13,260 --> 00:08:15,100
WORKING IN PERFECT HARMONY TO
312
00:08:15,095 --> 00:08:16,955
FETCH ME THE GIANT ACORN OF MY
313
00:08:16,964 --> 00:08:18,804
HOPES AND DREAMS.
314
00:08:18,799 --> 00:08:19,999
BUT WHY SHOULD I BE THE ONLY
315
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,200
ONE AT THE DUCK-PIN BOWLING
316
00:08:21,201 --> 00:08:22,601
ALLEY WITH A PHYSIQUE LIKE A
317
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,203
GREECE MINOTAUR?
318
00:08:23,203 --> 00:08:24,613
THAT'S WHY FOR THE FIRST TIME
319
00:08:24,605 --> 00:08:25,835
I'M SHARING MY WORKOUT ROUTINE
320
00:08:25,839 --> 00:08:27,509
WITH YOU.
321
00:08:37,084 --> 00:08:39,024
MY WORKOUT STARTS WITH GRABBING
322
00:08:39,019 --> 00:08:40,819
THE HEAVIEST THING I OWN AND
323
00:08:40,821 --> 00:08:42,091
LIFTING IT OVER MY HEAD.
324
00:08:42,089 --> 00:08:46,089
FOR ME, IT'S THIS.
325
00:08:46,093 --> 00:08:49,933
[ GRUNTS ]
326
00:08:49,930 --> 00:08:51,300
NOW IT'S TIME TO WORK THOSE
327
00:08:51,298 --> 00:08:52,068
LUNG MUSCLES.
328
00:08:52,065 --> 00:08:53,295
GRAB A HOT-WATER BOTTLE AND
329
00:08:53,300 --> 00:08:54,700
BLOW IT UP LIKE A BALLOON.
330
00:08:54,702 --> 00:08:56,102
YOU REMEMBER, IF YOU WANT A
331
00:08:56,103 --> 00:08:57,843
CAREER AS A CIRCUS STRONG MAN,
332
00:08:57,838 --> 00:08:59,338
TORSO GIRTH IS THE NAME OF THE
333
00:08:59,339 --> 00:08:59,939
GAME.
334
00:08:59,940 --> 00:09:01,780
NEXT, I GO INTO MY KITCHEN AND
335
00:09:01,775 --> 00:09:04,645
BEND EVERY FORK AND SPOON I OWN.
336
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:06,005
WHEN IT COMES TO LEAVING YOUR
337
00:09:06,013 --> 00:09:07,653
MARK ON THIS CRAZY BLUE MARBLE,
338
00:09:07,648 --> 00:09:08,848
NOTHING SATISFIES LIKE
339
00:09:08,849 --> 00:09:09,879
DISFIGURING METAL.
340
00:09:09,883 --> 00:09:10,853
MAKES A FELLA FEEL LIKE HE'S
341
00:09:10,851 --> 00:09:13,091
BEEN SOMEWHERE.
342
00:09:13,086 --> 00:09:14,686
YOU DO THAT ROUTINE EVERY DAY,
343
00:09:14,688 --> 00:09:16,088
I GUARANTEE BY THE TIME YOU GET
344
00:09:16,089 --> 00:09:17,629
TO BE MY AGE, YOU'LL BE KNEE
345
00:09:17,625 --> 00:09:19,025
DEEP IN WIDOW QUIM.
346
00:09:19,026 --> 00:09:20,756
I KNOW I AM.
347
00:09:20,761 --> 00:09:22,101
NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
348
00:09:22,095 --> 00:09:24,895
GONNA HIT THE KOI POND.
349
00:09:24,898 --> 00:09:26,028
>> LaFonda: THANKS, SKIP.
350
00:09:26,033 --> 00:09:27,973
NEXT WEEK ON "NEWSREADERS,"
351
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:29,238
GUILTY PLEASURES.
352
00:09:29,236 --> 00:09:30,366
WE'LL SPEAK TO ONE OF WEGMAN'S
353
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:33,140
WEIMARANERS, THE SEXY ONE.
354
00:09:33,140 --> 00:09:34,940
AND DAN RATHER WILL BE HERE WITH
355
00:09:34,942 --> 00:09:37,082
SOME "RATHER GOOD ADVICE."
356
00:09:37,077 --> 00:09:38,207
>> WE GET LETTERS, AND IN THE
357
00:09:38,211 --> 00:09:38,951
MAIL, THIS ONE.
358
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,646
"DEAR DAN, MY FIANCé CAN'T SEEM
359
00:09:40,648 --> 00:09:42,078
TO MAKE ANY DECISIONS WITHOUT
360
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:43,752
CONSULTING HIS MOTHER.
361
00:09:43,751 --> 00:09:45,221
SHE TOLD HIM WE SHOULDN'T MOVE
362
00:09:45,218 --> 00:09:46,888
IN TOGETHER EVEN I KNOW THAT'S
363
00:09:46,887 --> 00:09:48,117
WHAT WE BOTH WANT.
364
00:09:48,121 --> 00:09:49,221
WHAT SHOULD I DO?
365
00:09:49,222 --> 00:09:50,962
SINCERELY, CONFUSED CHLOE IN
366
00:09:50,958 --> 00:09:52,058
CHICAGO."
367
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:53,189
CHLOE I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I TOLD
368
00:09:53,193 --> 00:09:54,363
PRINCESS GRACE OF MONACO BACK IN
369
00:09:54,361 --> 00:09:56,061
1954 WHEN SHE ASKED ME THE SAME
370
00:09:56,063 --> 00:09:57,333
QUESTION.
371
00:09:57,330 --> 00:09:59,170
REMEMBER, IF YOU MARRY HIM,
372
00:09:59,166 --> 00:10:00,996
YOU'RE MARRYING HIS MOTHER.
373
00:10:01,001 --> 00:10:01,941
MAKE SURE YOU LIKE YOUR
374
00:10:01,935 --> 00:10:03,065
MOTHER-IN-LAW, BECAUSE YOU CAN'T
375
00:10:03,070 --> 00:10:04,400
FIGHT GENETICS.
376
00:10:04,404 --> 00:10:05,844
>> LaFonda: AND FINALLY, BEFORE
377
00:10:05,839 --> 00:10:07,039
WE GO TONIGHT, A QUICK WORD TO
378
00:10:07,040 --> 00:10:08,180
OUR CAT VIEWERS.
379
00:10:08,175 --> 00:10:10,035
MEOW.
380
00:10:38,038 --> 00:10:39,268
>> I-I JUST WANT TO, UH, THANK
381
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:39,972
YOU GUYS.
382
00:10:39,973 --> 00:10:41,113
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME
383
00:10:41,108 --> 00:10:42,478
SOMEBODY'S BEEN HERE ALL YEAR
384
00:10:42,475 --> 00:10:44,035
WITH A CAMERA NOT ASKING ME
385
00:10:44,044 --> 00:10:45,784
ABOUT OUR COP SHOOTING THAT KID
386
00:10:45,779 --> 00:10:47,749
IN THE PARK IN THE BACK.
387
00:10:47,748 --> 00:10:49,118
>> NO, WE'RE NOT INTERESTED IN
388
00:10:49,116 --> 00:10:49,846
THAT STORY.
389
00:10:49,850 --> 00:10:51,280
>> I TELL OUR COPS, YOU'RE GONNA
390
00:10:51,284 --> 00:10:52,454
SHOOT AN UNARMED PERSON.
391
00:10:52,452 --> 00:10:53,752
KEEP SOME WEAPONS OR, YOU KNOW,
392
00:10:53,754 --> 00:10:54,724
A SQUIRT GUN OR SOMETHING
393
00:10:54,722 --> 00:10:55,762
AROUND, YOU KNOW, JUST HANDY
394
00:10:55,756 --> 00:10:57,016
JUST SO -- I'M JUST -- I'M GLAD
395
00:10:57,024 --> 00:10:58,264
YOU'RE NOT ASKING ABOUT ANY OF
396
00:10:58,258 --> 00:10:59,358
THAT, IS THE OTHER THING.
397
00:10:59,359 --> 00:11:01,229
SO THANK YOU.
25091
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