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Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
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Tonight on "Newsreaders," we take you inside
the world-famous snead normandy youth golf
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academy -- breeding ground
for world-class professional
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00:00:22,810 --> 00:00:26,230
golfers, or training camp
for Al-qaeda sleeper cells?
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00:00:26,350 --> 00:00:29,620
Also, we catch up with famed
newsman Dan rather and learn
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about his second career as part
of the dirty south hip-hop scene.
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It turns out Bone Crusher,
Bun B, and I share an agent.
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The rest, as I say in my song
"Fact Man To Da 404," is history.
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LaFonda: All that and more
tonight on "Newsreaders."
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60 years ago, when Dr. Alfred
Kinsey published his
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seminal work on human sexuality,
he never could have imagined the
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things we would be doing
with and to our genitalia.
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And Dr. Kinsey surely could
never have imagined that
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America's changing sexual habits
might one day revitalize a
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00:01:13,602 --> 00:01:16,303
struggling American auto industry.
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Not only might they, did they.
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The story of the rebirth of
Detroit steel begins in, of all
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places, this eastern Arizona
state university dorm room,
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where sports drink marketing
majors Ethan Lexworth and
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Micah Berkeley had a simple idea.
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Well, we didn't have a
ride for Bonnaroo and...
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I said, "Dude, if -- I bet if we
had a cool but nondescript van,
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I bet we could drive ourselves
there and get girls that we
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don't know to have sex with us."
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I was like, "Yeah, totally."
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And then like 10 minutes
later, I had another idea.
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LaFonda: You had a second idea.
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Yeah. It just hit me.
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It was like a freight truck.
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LaFonda: And did you say
what the second idea was?
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I was like, "Uh, cool, and
then if we film us having sex
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with the girls, we could just
put it up on the Internet."
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LaFonda: [ Chuckles ]
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It's genius.
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[ Both chuckle ]
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You guys.
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Whatever.
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LaFonda: [ Scoffs ]
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How was Bonnaroo?
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We didn't make it.
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Yeah, we kind of got busy.
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LaFonda: [ Laughs ]
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More like boner-roo. Am I right?
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Nobody really says "boner"
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anymore.
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LaFonda: They leased the
15-passenger van and just
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outside the dealership lot, an
Internet sensation was born.
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Why don't you get inside the van?
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We'll get a little weird.
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Okay. That sounds fun.
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Oh, girl!
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Oh, that is hella bangin'.
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LaFonda: Ethan and Micah's videos
spread like a viral Internet video.
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And like apple computer and
Jesus, another successful
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business was once again born in a garage.
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And now America needed
more garages...for vans.
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As the [Bleep] van videos gained
in popularity, vans sales spiked
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across the country, and auto
manufacturers began to heavily
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market them as luxury items.
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The new American auto motor's
benchmark l -- roomy, sleek,
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stylish, sophisticated, and sexy.
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Much more than transportation, it gets
you exactly what you're looking for.
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LaFonda: In just two years,
Ethan and Micah made enough
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money to buy an entire floor
of their dormitory, which now
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houses the [Bleep] van offices.
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America's love affair with vans
seemed to know no bounds, but it
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learned some bounds thanks to one man.
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His name is Ames Mackenzie,
and he's suing American Auto.
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I bought one of their vans
and drove it around for two
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weeks, approached girls at
parking lots and parking
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garages and strip malls, regular
malls, sports arenas, turnpike
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rest areas, uh...Carl's Jr.
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Parking lots, Arby's parking
lots, Rax Roast Beef's parking
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lots, um...parks, dog parks,
Del Taco parking lots.
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Did I say sports arenas?
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LaFonda: Yes, you did.
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Sports arenas and the marina, and
none of the girls would even
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get into the van, let alone take
off their top and do stuff.
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LaFonda: So, here you
are, stuck with a lemon.
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A lemon with the premium package.
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LaFonda: Heated seats?
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Heated seat belts.
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LaFonda: I understand why
you're suing American auto, but
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why would you sue [Bleep] van?
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Well, first of all, I work as a
file clerk at a law firm, so
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the paperwork's nothing.
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Everything on our website is 100% real.
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LaFonda: So, you guys aren't
worried about this lawsuit?
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Sorry if he couldn't
get laid with the van.
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It works for us.
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LaFonda: You guys -- you guys
are just getting laid all the
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time in college, aren't you?
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You're just, like... I
think I was born 20 -- 10
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years too early, you know?
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I, uh... but you can just get a van.
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They're stylish.
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You should get one.
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LaFonda: And that's just what
we did, to find out if their
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website was legitimate.
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So, Cammie, you've been in
several [bleep] van videos.
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Are you familiar with the --
No, no, no, no.
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That's --
No, no.
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Just --
You can put your shirt back down.
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It's okay.
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Um...where was I?
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Uh...right.
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Have you heard about
the lawsuit going on?
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Oh, yeah.
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I saw that guy suing on TV.
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[ Chuckles ]
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He probably had a dirty van.
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That's why girls wouldn't
get in it and do stuff.
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LaFonda: So, you think
the van was the problem?
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Maybe.
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I mean [bleep] vans are always spotless
on the outside and roomy on the inside.
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And they're so sleek.
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LaFonda: Plus they're comfortable
and kind of sophisticated.
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Do you think --
No, no, no, Cammie.
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No, no. Stop, stop, stop.
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Just...pull it down.
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It's [Clears throat] not necessary.
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It's really hot in here.
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Everything's heated.
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LaFonda: I don't know.
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Maybe the van wasn't clean
enough to be enticing.
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No, it was detailed before I got it.
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LaFonda: Do you smell something?
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I ate salami yesterday.
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LaFonda: I-I-I-I think that's
possible it might be it.
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[Bleep] Van appeared to be
guilty of nothing more than
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providing a file clerk with an
outlet for his paperwork skills,
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until "Newsreaders" received a
call from somebody -- an insider
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who said they had inside information.
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I had to say something.
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LaFonda: Is that you, Cammie?
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[ Clears throat ]
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[ Deep voice ] No. No.
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LaFonda: The source, who
we'll call Woodward, because
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calling her deep throat would be
too on the nose, decided to come
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forward because she had seen too much.
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Please, just put your top down.
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Look, I know that's you, Cammie.
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[Bleep] Van is not what you think it is.
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I was in 20 videos, and all of
a sudden, they fired me, and I
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lost my health insurance.
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LaFonda: They give you healthcare?
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And dental.
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Full premium package.
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Fully heated.
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LaFonda: That doesn't make any sense.
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It will when you read this.
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LaFonda: That folder contained a
Pandora's box of shocking revelations.
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These documents told the untold
story that some very powerful
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corporate interests did
not want to be told.
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According to one American auto
internal memo [Bleep] van was
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not the work of two enterprising
college students, but like the
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Bonnaroo music festival, sprang from
a polished corporate boardroom.
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Yes, we are completely
behind [Bleep] van.
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LaFonda: So, you don't deny this?
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No. No.
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We're very proud of it.
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It was brilliant advertising.
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We gave those two kids a van.
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LaFonda: And you sent them out
on the street to make videos
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of themself having sex with
girls they just picked up, huh?
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No, actually, we told them to
have sex with their girlfriends,
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then make it look like they
picked them up on the street,
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and then we created a website
for them, and the videos just
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went off the charts.
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Even more successful than any of the
alternative music festivals we've created.
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LaFonda: Even Coachella?
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Yeah.
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Then we launched the Benchmark L
commercials and --
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LaFonda: To coincide with the
success of the [Bleep] van website.
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Yeah, the van sales
went through the roof.
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LaFonda: So, you're not only an auto
manufacturer, you're a porn producer.
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I wouldn't call it porn.
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LaFonda: What would you call it?
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Um... sexy van...stories.
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LaFonda: Pornography. N-no?
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Stories.
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LaFonda: Stories.
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Human interest.
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We had student loans.
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American auto gave us
the vans, the scripts.
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LaFonda: What? They gave
you "Hella bangin'"?
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[ Laughter ]
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Man, listen to yourself.
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No one says that.
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American auto totally came
up with "Hella bangin'."
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LaFonda: And you, Cammie, I
mean, why are you blowing the
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whistle when you were
in on this whole thing?
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Ethan and I broke up and the car
company wouldn't let us have
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sex on camera unless we were together.
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American automotive is a
real conservative company.
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LaFonda: Bro, I mean, I
personally watched videos of you
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having sex with over two dozen women.
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Mm. Yeah.
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I'm a total serial dater.
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Totally defines himself
by who he's dating.
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LaFonda: That is the wussiest
thing I've ever heard of.
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I have a poet's heart.
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LaFonda: Dude, like, what--
what happened to us?
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What are you talking about?
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LaFonda: You know, downing brews
and, like, hangin', bangin'.
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Banging what?
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LaFonda: Like, you know,
bangin' -- hella bangin' --
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we told you no one says that, man.
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LaFonda: You deceived the
American public, and you
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encouraged young girls to think
that it's okay to have sex with
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strangers in moving vans.
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We are an auto manufacturer.
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LaFonda: Mm-hmm.
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We have done way worse things than this.
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LaFonda: Such as?
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The annual California wildfires, periodic
e. coli breakouts in fresh produce,
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00:09:20,623 --> 00:09:26,693
burning man, the Exxon Valdez,
cat vomit, hepatitis "B," but
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00:09:26,729 --> 00:09:29,329
not "C," uh... the zodiac killer.
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00:09:29,364 --> 00:09:30,864
LaFonda: That was you guys?
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00:09:30,899 --> 00:09:33,000
No, but only because
we didn't think of it.
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LaFonda: I mean, you're
kind of an evil person.
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00:09:35,904 --> 00:09:38,405
Do you have any other questions for me?
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LaFonda: Finally tonight, a few
thoughts from Skip Reming.
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My grandchildren, Rider and
Madison -- yes, those are the
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00:09:44,579 --> 00:09:47,446
names their parents actually
chose to give them -- always ask
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me why things used to be so
much better in the olden days.
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00:09:50,318 --> 00:09:51,683
My answer's always the same.
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00:09:51,719 --> 00:09:54,720
First of all, when kids used
to ask questions, they did it
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looking you in the eye, wearing
a shirt with a collar and shoes
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00:09:57,958 --> 00:09:58,991
with leather soles.
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And then I tell them things were
better because cigarettes tasted
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like burning flesh.
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00:10:03,497 --> 00:10:04,496
A man was a man.
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00:10:04,532 --> 00:10:07,700
It was illegal for doctors to
turn a penis into a vagina.
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00:10:07,735 --> 00:10:10,803
You could lease a new horse
every year, Turkey sandwiches
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00:10:10,838 --> 00:10:14,773
were a quarter, and prostitutes
were two Turkey sandwiches.
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00:10:14,809 --> 00:10:17,510
But these kids aren't listening,
not even looking at me.
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00:10:17,545 --> 00:10:20,346
They're off in a corner, playing
a ninja video game in their
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00:10:20,381 --> 00:10:25,617
[bleep] rubber-soled shoes
that light up when they walk.
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00:10:25,653 --> 00:10:28,420
LaFonda: Coming up next week,
with summer vacations just
241
00:10:28,456 --> 00:10:30,956
around the corner, we have a
story that may make you think
242
00:10:30,992 --> 00:10:34,527
twice when planning that
Vietnamese sex-tourism adventure.
243
00:10:34,562 --> 00:10:37,997
Their brochures promised
exquisite sex workers.
244
00:10:38,032 --> 00:10:41,901
And I flew all the way over
there, went to like 12 different
245
00:10:41,936 --> 00:10:45,570
brothels, and none of the
girls would have sex with me.
246
00:10:46,034 --> 00:10:48,934
LaFonda: If you would like a
transcript of tonight's program,
247
00:10:48,970 --> 00:10:51,404
use both your DVR and a
computer, and you can probably
248
00:10:51,439 --> 00:10:53,205
knock it out in a couple of hours.
249
00:10:53,241 --> 00:10:54,895
I'm Louis LaFonda.
250
00:10:55,142 --> 00:10:56,179
Good night.
251
00:10:56,402 --> 00:11:06,854
Sync & corrections by honeybunny
www.addic7ed.com
20543
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