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KNOCK ON DOOR
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00:00:19,800 --> 00:00:20,840
You OK, Meg?
3
00:00:20,840 --> 00:00:24,080
Well, the game is now shit,
I've been promoted twice and I hate
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00:00:24,080 --> 00:00:27,600
my job, and I've just been dumped
by the world's most fascinating man.
5
00:00:27,600 --> 00:00:31,080
Did you know he was an accredited
cobbler? Yes. Yeah, I did know that.
6
00:00:34,920 --> 00:00:39,640
You know Back To The Future, right?
Or Hot Tub Time Machine,
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00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:44,760
Timecop, Source Code, Looper,
Interstellar, 12 Monkeys,
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00:00:44,760 --> 00:00:48,200
Time Bandits, Timecrimes,
The Girl Who Leapt Through Time,
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00:00:48,200 --> 00:00:50,680
The Time Machine,
and various other sequels?
10
00:00:50,680 --> 00:00:52,480
I know some of those films, Meg.
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00:00:52,480 --> 00:00:56,240
Do you ever wish you could just go
back? Well, me and Jay are pretty...
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00:00:58,720 --> 00:01:01,520
..but no. Totally.
SHE SIGHS
13
00:01:12,400 --> 00:01:14,920
Oh, Meg. Hiya, Mum.
Are you all right? Yeah.
14
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Good. Can I just pop up to my
room quickly?
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VIDEO MUSIC JINGLES
16
00:01:43,160 --> 00:01:47,120
Behold, retro Kingdom Scrolls,
the glory days.
17
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Look at these low-res polys.
How did we live like this, Meg?
18
00:01:51,240 --> 00:01:53,880
We were just kids, Usman.
We didn't know any better.
19
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,440
This was a different time -
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00:01:55,440 --> 00:01:58,240
Avril Lavigne and flip phones,
before Facebook came along
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00:01:58,240 --> 00:02:00,720
and gave mums a platform to sell
kitchen items.
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00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,360
And why are we playing this, again?
23
00:02:02,360 --> 00:02:05,520
Cos, I don't mean to sound harsh,
but it looks fucking shit.
24
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,320
It's just less accessible, you know?
25
00:02:07,320 --> 00:02:10,440
Cos modern Kingdom Scrolls is
just so fucking accessible.
26
00:02:10,440 --> 00:02:13,680
See, I think that's why I liked it,
cos it's accessible.
27
00:02:13,680 --> 00:02:16,040
That's because you basically have a
disability, Russell.
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You're gaming disabled.
Or game unable, if you prefer.
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00:02:19,520 --> 00:02:23,640
My God, it's so basic and
repetitive. Nicky would love this.
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00:02:23,640 --> 00:02:27,040
Where is he anyway? Oh, um, I think
he's getting ready to
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meet his girlfriend for the first
time or whatever. Usman!
32
00:02:30,440 --> 00:02:33,200
Guys, I need to bounce,
Zara's making me a big lunch.
33
00:02:33,200 --> 00:02:36,280
Usman, I think it's time.
34
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Oh, boy.
35
00:02:39,600 --> 00:02:43,480
Argh! Ow!
36
00:02:43,480 --> 00:02:46,720
Sorry, Martin just gave me
a dead arm. Martin?
37
00:02:46,720 --> 00:02:50,120
Yeah, there's a man living with me
now. It's me, Annette, and Martin.
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00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:54,920
He just goes wherever he wants.
He's like a house cat but a man.
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A house man.
40
00:02:57,080 --> 00:02:59,440
OK, no, Russell, this is a
nightmare.
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Just get out of there and go home.
42
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:07,240
Holy shit. That's
Bramble Thatch Farm.
43
00:03:07,240 --> 00:03:10,360
That's our old place, mine
and Nicky's, from my old save.
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00:03:10,360 --> 00:03:13,840
We had cattle, pigs,
a herd of slaves.
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00:03:13,840 --> 00:03:16,200
We lived here, just me and Nicky
and...
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THUDDING IN GAME
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CHILD IN GAME: Mama, papa.
Mama, papa.
48
00:03:21,760 --> 00:03:24,920
Mama, papa. Mama, papa.
49
00:03:24,920 --> 00:03:27,800
Oh, my God. Tobias?
50
00:03:30,600 --> 00:03:33,360
Oh, um... For Daisy.
51
00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:36,720
What's on the menu?
What is this giant meat here?
52
00:03:36,720 --> 00:03:39,000
Veal flanks. OK.
53
00:03:39,000 --> 00:03:41,840
I don't think the flanks are going
to fit in the slow cooker, Nicky.
54
00:03:41,840 --> 00:03:42,960
That's why I've got the hand axe.
55
00:03:42,960 --> 00:03:45,880
Sure, I just think any meal that
involves an axe,
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00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:48,800
maybe not on a first date.
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00:03:48,800 --> 00:03:53,640
Totally. God, it is so good
you're here. You know so much.
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00:03:53,640 --> 00:03:57,920
Yeah, and what are you serving with
the veal flanks.
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00:03:57,920 --> 00:04:04,000
Yams! Interesting, because it
doesn't sound much like a dinner,
60
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,200
does it, Nicky, Flanks and yams?
61
00:04:06,200 --> 00:04:09,960
It sort of does. Flanks and yams.
Yams and flanks. Like surf and turf.
62
00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,640
Quite heavy as a meal. No, but that
is good, you see.
63
00:04:12,640 --> 00:04:14,920
If I was a girl and a man cooked me
a meal, I would want him
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00:04:14,920 --> 00:04:17,480
to make me something really massive
and filling. You know?
65
00:04:17,480 --> 00:04:21,080
Like, "I fancy you so much, I want
your stomach to be really full."
66
00:04:21,080 --> 00:04:24,120
Depends, really, on whether you're
thinking of having sex later
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00:04:24,120 --> 00:04:26,880
because it will sit quite heavy,
the mashed yam,
68
00:04:26,880 --> 00:04:30,840
as a kind of cushion for the sheer
metric weight of the flanks.
69
00:04:30,840 --> 00:04:32,840
Because I also got quite a big
Christmas pudding for dessert.
70
00:04:32,840 --> 00:04:35,720
Yeah, you're not going to want
Christmas pudding, Nicky,
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00:04:35,720 --> 00:04:37,560
not after the big yam-flank
double-header.
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00:04:37,560 --> 00:04:40,200
Plus, because ours is getting
quite disgusting -
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bit of an impulse buy really...
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00:04:41,680 --> 00:04:44,000
HE GROANS
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00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:45,560
I bought a new toilet.
76
00:04:45,560 --> 00:04:48,000
Because I thought about cleaning
ours but then I thought maybe it's
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00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:50,320
just better to start from scratch,
you know, like a hard reboot?
78
00:04:50,320 --> 00:04:52,120
But then I watched a YouTube
video on it
79
00:04:52,120 --> 00:04:54,920
and realised toilets aren't
like light bulbs, in that they're
80
00:04:54,920 --> 00:04:57,720
actually really quite
difficult to change.
81
00:04:57,720 --> 00:05:00,080
Now I'm thinking I probably
shouldn't have brought it.
82
00:05:00,080 --> 00:05:02,880
Just try and keep it tidy
because Jay's coming over to stay
83
00:05:02,880 --> 00:05:05,040
and he's not really into this
flatmate shit.
84
00:05:05,040 --> 00:05:07,960
He's encouraging me
to be more grown-up.
85
00:05:07,960 --> 00:05:09,600
How could you be more grown-up,
Alison?
86
00:05:09,600 --> 00:05:13,640
Get an artificial hip, start leaving
voicemails? Oh, look at this!
87
00:05:13,640 --> 00:05:18,880
The big preparations. Meat, yams,
a new toilet.
88
00:05:18,880 --> 00:05:21,360
All angles covered.
89
00:05:21,360 --> 00:05:24,200
I just hope you know what you're
doing, Nicky. Look, I get it.
90
00:05:24,200 --> 00:05:25,320
It's a big deal.
91
00:05:25,320 --> 00:05:27,640
When you meet someone IRL
you open yourself up, right?
92
00:05:27,640 --> 00:05:29,520
Will it happen? Who knows? If it
happens, it happens.
93
00:05:29,520 --> 00:05:31,240
It might happen.
It might not happen.
94
00:05:31,240 --> 00:05:33,400
Let's just see if it happens.
95
00:05:33,400 --> 00:05:38,000
I am of course talking about murder.
Murder? Oh, she could be a murderer.
96
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,040
Big time, yeah. I will just make
sure I've got a weapon. OK.
97
00:05:41,040 --> 00:05:44,040
No, Nicky. Not like a crossbow,
Alison. Jesus.
98
00:05:44,040 --> 00:05:46,480
You know, room weapon.
Lampshade, heavy wooden fruit
99
00:05:46,480 --> 00:05:50,680
bowl, so I can, you know,
brain her if she goes psychotic. Oh.
100
00:05:52,160 --> 00:05:57,960
By the way, in case you cared, he's
still alive.
101
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Tobias, Nicky. Our boy.
102
00:06:02,160 --> 00:06:08,320
Tobias is alive? I found him on my
server. Little Toby. OK, I'm sorry.
103
00:06:08,320 --> 00:06:11,560
I can feel my throat trying
to claw these words back
104
00:06:11,560 --> 00:06:15,120
as escape from my mouth.
But who the fuck is Tobias?
105
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,600
Here's an NPC child in
Kingdom Scrolls,
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controlled by the computer.
107
00:06:19,480 --> 00:06:22,000
Um, we were supposed to escort him
across a desert
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00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:23,680
and reunite him with his parents,
109
00:06:23,680 --> 00:06:26,440
then we figured out that if we lured
Tobias home with us,
110
00:06:26,440 --> 00:06:29,880
then we could brick him in and keep
him indefinitely.
111
00:06:29,880 --> 00:06:34,400
And then the new version came out,
we migrated eight years ago.
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00:06:34,400 --> 00:06:38,080
You bricked a child in a room
for eight years? Not just any child.
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00:06:38,080 --> 00:06:41,120
We used to role-play that he was
ours. Hang on, you two had a son?
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An adopted son, yes. And I think it
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is finally time to reunite him with
his birth parents. OK, mate.
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I don't have time for this
because I need to get the dinner on
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because apparently you're only
a real person now
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00:06:51,600 --> 00:06:53,400
if you cook
something for fucking ages.
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00:06:53,400 --> 00:06:55,840
Bake a potato for nine years,
watch a Poldark...
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KNOCKING ON DOOR
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Hello? Hi, is this Nicky's place?
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My phone ran out of battery on the
Megabus
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and I'm quite dramatically early.
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00:07:05,120 --> 00:07:08,240
WHISPERS: What kind of sociopath
arrives three hours early?
125
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KNOCKING CONTINUES
126
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Nicky. Nicky, look at me.
You need to let her in.
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Christ.
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00:07:19,720 --> 00:07:20,760
Daisy?
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00:07:22,960 --> 00:07:26,920
I bought an ice cream at the kebab
shop. Worst decision I ever made.
130
00:07:26,920 --> 00:07:30,240
Would you like to come in or have
you immediately changed your mind?
131
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I haven't changed my mind yet
based on the available data set
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but, you know, that is admittedly
quite small. Great.
133
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Unless you don't want me to come in.
I don't have to. No, God. No, no.
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I really want you to come in.
135
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:45,280
Yeah, not aggressively. I'm not
being pushy. You don't have to.
136
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There are women here.
Look at the women.
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Hello. These aren't captives. They
are just normal free-range women.
138
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Look very happy, the woman, even if
they are enslaved.
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Yeah, they do, don't they?
Boop, boop.
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HE CHUCKLES
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00:08:02,800 --> 00:08:04,760
Is that yes? Yeah, come on in.
142
00:08:04,760 --> 00:08:09,800
This is Daisy. That's Daisy. She's
here. She has come. Welcome to...
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00:08:11,160 --> 00:08:14,000
Daisy's here! Hi, I'm Meg.
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Sorry, I didn't quite catch your
name. Daisy. Yeah. Yeah.
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I love your hair and you've got such
an amazing array of teeth.
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Oh!
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Gosh, thanks. Thank you. Alison.
Alison, yeah, incredible posture.
148
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:31,760
And skin.
149
00:08:31,760 --> 00:08:34,440
And your hands are perhaps
the loveliest hands
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I've seen in a while. Gosh, thanks.
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00:08:37,840 --> 00:08:39,400
So...
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DAISY CLEARS THROAT
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So, um, I've set a heritage server
up, retro Kingdom Scrolls.
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She doesn't need to know about
that, Meg. No, no, no.
155
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I love old Kingdom Scrolls!
156
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:52,160
Yeah, I was, like, raised on it!
Same!
157
00:08:52,160 --> 00:08:54,800
Um, we were going back to
a mission on an old save.
158
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,720
We're reuniting Tobias
with his parents. Tobias,
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oh, my gosh, the little NPC kid.
160
00:08:59,640 --> 00:09:01,680
Yeah, with the dirty knees and the
no face. Yeah.
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Oh, I fucking love that kid!
162
00:09:03,240 --> 00:09:06,680
Us to. We abducted him. You can
abduct Tobias?!
163
00:09:06,680 --> 00:09:08,920
It's just a stupid joke. I don't
really... I'm not involved.
164
00:09:08,920 --> 00:09:11,640
No, it's awesome. That's so cool!
Yeah, impressive.
165
00:09:11,640 --> 00:09:13,680
Such a long abduction. Yeah. Yeah,
166
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we were thinking about finally
finishing the mission, you know,
167
00:09:16,280 --> 00:09:20,520
finally sending him home. Yeah,
count me in. I'm up for it, totally!
168
00:09:20,520 --> 00:09:22,640
What, do you mean like the three of
us
169
00:09:22,640 --> 00:09:24,880
together? Yeah, of course, I
mean, you know, it'll be fun.
170
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:27,360
Like a three way.
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Ha! Ha!
HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY
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00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:35,520
No, that's cool.
Yeah, I'm cool with that. Sounds...
173
00:09:35,520 --> 00:09:42,520
Cool. Cool. Shall we retire to the
boud...? Yeah.
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00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:45,200
Do you actually mind if I
probably bin this? Yes!
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00:09:45,200 --> 00:09:48,400
Yeah, the bin is just there.
It's like I'm holding a... Ah!
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00:09:48,400 --> 00:09:51,960
"Hello! What are your thoughts,
Mr Prime Minister?"
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00:09:51,960 --> 00:09:56,680
I don't... I'm not... I'll get rid
of that. Sorry. That's...
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00:09:56,680 --> 00:10:00,160
Yeah, cool. I'm just going to
put this in the bin.
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00:10:00,160 --> 00:10:03,000
Oh, go... Oh. Yep. It's fine.
Alison...
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00:10:03,000 --> 00:10:06,120
Alison is really good at clearing
up. Ooh, sorry.
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00:10:06,120 --> 00:10:09,600
This way, my lady.
Just through here. OK.
182
00:10:18,080 --> 00:10:21,720
Three plates, three glasses. One
flank, three ways with a hand axe.
183
00:10:21,720 --> 00:10:27,080
A mass of wild yams, split three
ways. And Christmas pud for afters!
184
00:10:27,080 --> 00:10:31,120
This is so amazing. The three of us
playing together, it just works.
185
00:10:31,120 --> 00:10:35,480
She's amazing. I fucking love her.
God, she's so amazing.
186
00:10:35,480 --> 00:10:39,000
Sounds weird but I get it now,
I do. She deserves a new toilet.
187
00:10:39,000 --> 00:10:40,720
She totally deserves a new toilet.
188
00:10:40,720 --> 00:10:44,840
She shouldn't have to expose her
buttocks to that limescaled
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00:10:44,840 --> 00:10:47,120
atrocity in there.
190
00:10:47,120 --> 00:10:50,320
My, the meal is so dense it might
actually crack a plate.
191
00:10:50,320 --> 00:10:53,440
We're cooking dinner for Daisy.
Division of labour.
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00:10:53,440 --> 00:10:56,200
She's looking after Tobias while we
cook and then later, at the end of
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00:10:56,200 --> 00:11:00,560
the day, we will just sleep together
in a pile in front of the fire.
194
00:11:00,560 --> 00:11:02,600
I'm sorry if you find that
confronting, Alison.
195
00:11:02,600 --> 00:11:03,760
I literally didn't say anything.
196
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:06,400
Is not like we're some weirdo
three-way sex cult with me
197
00:11:06,400 --> 00:11:07,320
as the de facto leader.
198
00:11:07,320 --> 00:11:09,880
Having said that, we are always
on the lookout for more womenfolk.
199
00:11:09,880 --> 00:11:12,520
Extra pair of hands would make short
work of the raisin harvest.
200
00:11:12,520 --> 00:11:14,520
Once we've return Tobias we are
201
00:11:14,520 --> 00:11:16,240
thinking of retiring to
Bramble Thatch Farm.
202
00:11:16,240 --> 00:11:18,680
Opening up the muffin stand in
time for another winter festival.
203
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:21,040
Me and Daisy wearing matching
bonnets, if you're into that.
204
00:11:21,040 --> 00:11:23,040
Oh...
205
00:11:23,040 --> 00:11:26,680
It's so tempting but no thank you.
206
00:11:26,680 --> 00:11:30,160
And if you could keep this to a dull
roar cos Jay is here.
207
00:11:30,160 --> 00:11:32,480
He's here? yeah, we're
brainstorming ways to break it to
208
00:11:32,480 --> 00:11:35,280
Kerry about our relationship,
turn it into a kind of an event,
209
00:11:35,280 --> 00:11:39,080
like a gender reveal party
but for infidelity.
210
00:11:39,080 --> 00:11:41,240
I don't know.
211
00:11:41,240 --> 00:11:44,480
I just hope you've got this shit
locked down, Nicky, you and Daisy,
212
00:11:44,480 --> 00:11:46,120
because she is a great fit for us.
213
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:49,520
Meg, of course I've got
this shit lockdown.
214
00:11:49,520 --> 00:11:51,920
Although, now I think of it, I can't
remember any actual physical
215
00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:54,440
contact since she arrived.
What, none?
216
00:11:54,440 --> 00:11:56,240
None at all? Right,
you need to get in there
217
00:11:56,240 --> 00:11:58,280
and you need to touch her right now.
218
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:00,280
Meg, I'm not going in there
and touching her.
219
00:12:00,280 --> 00:12:02,320
What if she is only your friend,
Nicky?
220
00:12:02,320 --> 00:12:05,440
What if she is not even your
girlfriend and you have gone
221
00:12:05,440 --> 00:12:08,760
so in love with her that you brought
her a fucking toilet?!
222
00:12:08,760 --> 00:12:15,800
Just get in there, pile her full
of yams, and lock this shit down!
223
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:18,720
Yeah, OK. Oh, fuck!
224
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:21,680
Mama, Papa.
225
00:12:21,680 --> 00:12:24,880
Right, just need to escort Tobias
across the desert of skulls.
226
00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:27,480
Oh, do you actually mind
if we take a quick breather?
227
00:12:27,480 --> 00:12:31,800
I think I've got a veal hangover.
That was an incredibly hefty meal.
228
00:12:31,800 --> 00:12:35,320
Thank you. I just think I feel a bit
claggy. You know?
229
00:12:35,320 --> 00:12:41,560
Mmm, claggy, I love that. The first
sign of a good feed.
230
00:12:41,560 --> 00:12:43,680
Yeah.
231
00:12:43,680 --> 00:12:45,640
Oh.
232
00:12:45,640 --> 00:12:49,800
Do you want me to rub it for you?
Your throat?
233
00:12:49,800 --> 00:12:52,640
Like a throat rub? Just sort of
like?
234
00:12:54,080 --> 00:12:57,800
Just massage the Adam's apple, just
to aid digestion, really.
235
00:12:57,800 --> 00:13:01,960
I don't actually have an Adam's
apple. Thank you.
236
00:13:01,960 --> 00:13:04,240
Oh, course you don't. Sorry!
237
00:13:06,480 --> 00:13:09,560
I was... Right, let's get back to
it. Sure.
238
00:13:09,560 --> 00:13:11,480
USMAN: Hey, guys,
239
00:13:11,480 --> 00:13:14,240
contractions are slow this end so
we've got some time.
240
00:13:14,240 --> 00:13:16,280
Whose contractions?
Who do you think? Zara, my wife.
241
00:13:16,280 --> 00:13:17,480
Wait, she's pregnant?
242
00:13:17,480 --> 00:13:23,120
She is pregnant as balls, as
I believe the obstetricians say.
243
00:13:23,120 --> 00:13:24,280
Holy shit, Usman.
244
00:13:24,280 --> 00:13:27,400
I know.
I can't believe it myself. A baby!
245
00:13:27,400 --> 00:13:31,160
Because I've got two children
and, what, now a third?
246
00:13:31,160 --> 00:13:33,920
The mind boggles,
it really, truly does.
247
00:13:33,920 --> 00:13:36,760
And she's OK, yeah, Zara?
Oh, she's fine.
248
00:13:36,760 --> 00:13:40,560
I was stroking her arm
and I thought, "This is so cute,
249
00:13:40,560 --> 00:13:42,400
"this is really helping her
to sleep."
250
00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:45,600
So I rigged up an electric fan to
a bit of wire coat hanger with
251
00:13:45,600 --> 00:13:49,000
a bit of feather on the end
and she is loving it.
252
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,440
I'm just glad I could be here
to do that for her.
253
00:13:52,440 --> 00:13:54,080
Oh, tits on a snake, I'm dead!
254
00:13:54,080 --> 00:13:57,080
OK, Nicky, Daisy is dead. Let's both
kill ourselves and start again.
255
00:13:57,080 --> 00:13:59,160
Totally. Let's kill ourselves
so we can be dead with Daisy.
256
00:13:59,160 --> 00:14:01,320
No, it's fine. If you're halfway
through just go on ahead without me.
257
00:14:01,320 --> 00:14:04,720
Daisy, we're a three now. A golden
triangle. We do this together.
258
00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,680
No, you have to finish what you
started.
259
00:14:06,680 --> 00:14:09,960
You're his mum and you're his dad.
It's a big deal, I get it.
260
00:14:09,960 --> 00:14:11,880
I mean, not really.
261
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:12,960
It's just some stupid role play
thing
262
00:14:12,960 --> 00:14:13,920
from 40,000 years ago or whatever.
263
00:14:13,920 --> 00:14:16,080
A little more than that but,
yeah, no, he's right.
264
00:14:16,080 --> 00:14:18,480
It's not like we're fucking
married or anything.
265
00:14:18,480 --> 00:14:21,040
Although we were briefly in
Kingdom Scrolls but that was just...
266
00:14:21,040 --> 00:14:22,040
Just for the XP.
267
00:14:22,040 --> 00:14:24,640
Cos there is no feelings or
whatever. Oh, fuck my slippers, no.
268
00:14:24,640 --> 00:14:28,800
God, actually makes my pubes
turn grey just thinking about it.
269
00:14:28,800 --> 00:14:30,200
My pubes are visibly falling out.
270
00:14:30,200 --> 00:14:33,880
You can't see them because they are
in my trousers but they are.
271
00:14:33,880 --> 00:14:38,600
TPA. Total pube alopecia.
Lot of pube chat.
272
00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:42,200
If I actually had any
feelings for Meg, would I do this?
273
00:14:44,240 --> 00:14:45,800
SHE LAUGHS
274
00:14:45,800 --> 00:14:48,440
Exactly!
And would I then go like this?
275
00:14:50,080 --> 00:14:52,400
See? Clonk!
276
00:14:56,440 --> 00:14:59,680
Careful on the old elementals there,
Meg.
277
00:14:59,680 --> 00:15:04,080
Oh-ho-ho! Smiting your game wife,
not a great look, Nicky.
278
00:15:04,080 --> 00:15:07,880
Look at us, hey? A domestic.
What will the neighbours say?
279
00:15:07,880 --> 00:15:09,320
They will probably say,
280
00:15:09,320 --> 00:15:11,480
"Wow, that hunchback is really
ragging on that man boy in a cape."
281
00:15:11,480 --> 00:15:13,520
Not a man boy, Meg.
She's got very narrow shoulders.
282
00:15:13,520 --> 00:15:17,440
Oh, your total goggle-eyed bitch!
283
00:15:21,040 --> 00:15:23,120
Uh-oh. No, my mouse is lagging!
284
00:15:27,360 --> 00:15:31,040
Nicky... Nicky, no!
Just think of Tobias. No, come on...
285
00:15:37,600 --> 00:15:40,480
SHE GASPS
286
00:15:40,480 --> 00:15:42,920
HE BREATHES HEAVILY
287
00:15:42,920 --> 00:15:45,600
See?
288
00:15:45,600 --> 00:15:47,080
Absolutely no feelings whatsoever.
289
00:15:47,080 --> 00:15:49,480
OK. Well, she's in here.
290
00:15:49,480 --> 00:15:53,480
Ha-ha! OK. All that unsaved progress
up in smoke, nice.
291
00:15:56,840 --> 00:15:59,480
Wait, no, Nicky. That's my room.
Nicky! No, no, no!
292
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,880
Oh, my God! What the fuck, Nicky?
You did it to me!
293
00:16:01,880 --> 00:16:04,160
Yeah, but only because you stoned
my head in in front of our son!
294
00:16:04,160 --> 00:16:05,640
What, do you think he saw?
295
00:16:05,640 --> 00:16:07,600
He doesn't even have a fucking face,
Meg?
296
00:16:07,600 --> 00:16:10,000
What the fuck is going on here?
Thank God! OK.
297
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:13,640
Well, Nicky has assaulted me, and
I did not want to play this card,
298
00:16:13,640 --> 00:16:17,240
Alison, but I am basically just
a victim of spousal abuse!
299
00:16:17,240 --> 00:16:20,520
Enough! You've woken up Jay and, God
knows, he needs his sleep right now.
300
00:16:20,520 --> 00:16:23,360
Also, earlier, in the kitchen,
he finds a toilet
301
00:16:23,360 --> 00:16:26,440
and a significant quantity
of leftover boiled yams.
302
00:16:26,440 --> 00:16:28,840
And how the fuck am I supposed to
explain that?!
303
00:16:28,840 --> 00:16:30,400
Now, I put up with
a lot from you two
304
00:16:30,400 --> 00:16:34,200
and I just think perhaps it might be
time, not immediately,
305
00:16:34,200 --> 00:16:38,480
not tonight, but one day that you
think about finding your own place.
306
00:16:38,480 --> 00:16:41,680
Because, you know, Jay might want to
move in at some point
307
00:16:41,680 --> 00:16:43,120
and the kids are going to
want their own room,
308
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,080
and he's got dogs,
which I've just found out about.
309
00:16:47,320 --> 00:16:48,920
Fuck! Finally it all becomes
310
00:16:48,920 --> 00:16:52,240
clear because I thought you were
just being a mate, Alison.
311
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:57,480
You know, "Get a boyfriend, Meg.
Drink more water. Go outside, Meg.
312
00:16:57,480 --> 00:16:59,040
"Oh, nutrients!"
313
00:16:59,040 --> 00:17:02,120
Alison, were you just trying to
turn me into a normal person
314
00:17:02,120 --> 00:17:04,040
so that I would leave your flat?
What? No!
315
00:17:04,040 --> 00:17:05,720
Getting me over my addiction,
316
00:17:05,720 --> 00:17:08,280
Healthy balance,
normalising my libido?
317
00:17:08,280 --> 00:17:11,120
Alison, have you been preparing me
for the real world.
318
00:17:11,120 --> 00:17:13,400
I mean, what the
fuck is this, Alison?
319
00:17:13,400 --> 00:17:16,360
Is this some kind of jihadi training
camp but instead of teaching people
320
00:17:16,360 --> 00:17:17,720
to blow themselves up, you teach
them
321
00:17:17,720 --> 00:17:20,280
how to get themselves a boyfriend
or make a poke bowl?!
322
00:17:20,280 --> 00:17:24,040
It's actually po-KE.
Oh, big fat shit, Alison!
323
00:17:24,040 --> 00:17:28,880
I'm not saying now. I'm just saying
you can't stay here forever.
324
00:17:28,880 --> 00:17:33,120
That's fine. We didn't even want to
stay here forever, did we, Nicky?
325
00:17:33,120 --> 00:17:37,880
Actually, I think perhaps I did.
So I'm just playing catch up.
326
00:17:37,880 --> 00:17:38,760
MEG SCOFFS
327
00:17:45,760 --> 00:17:46,400
Nicky?
328
00:17:48,880 --> 00:17:50,560
Oh...
329
00:17:53,800 --> 00:17:56,040
Right, so that's my supposedly
girlfriend
330
00:17:56,040 --> 00:17:58,640
inside the bivouacked tent
inside the living room.
331
00:17:58,640 --> 00:18:01,680
And finally
my sexual humiliation is complete.
332
00:18:01,680 --> 00:18:05,160
Just so glad you were both here to
share it with me.
333
00:18:14,000 --> 00:18:15,560
Oh, hey.
334
00:18:15,560 --> 00:18:17,560
Hello!
335
00:18:20,520 --> 00:18:23,400
I like your tent. Thanks.
336
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,320
Essentially just
a polyester body bag.
337
00:18:26,320 --> 00:18:27,400
Weirdly, they called
338
00:18:27,400 --> 00:18:31,240
and offered a deal on an earlier
flight back to Salzburg.
339
00:18:31,240 --> 00:18:33,560
Well, that was nice of them.
340
00:18:33,560 --> 00:18:37,600
So I just pushed a button on an
Uber and, yeah, it's two minutes.
341
00:18:38,840 --> 00:18:43,480
And, uh, in terms of, like, you and
me.
342
00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:46,760
Yeah, I just don't know
if I'm equipped for this content.
343
00:18:46,760 --> 00:18:48,440
You and Meg...
344
00:18:48,440 --> 00:18:51,000
It's just, I'm an emotional invalid
345
00:18:51,000 --> 00:18:55,400
and this here seems like some pretty
harsh psychological terrain.
346
00:18:55,400 --> 00:18:59,440
Sort of like a psychosexual Mordor
but it's been super fun.
347
00:19:01,200 --> 00:19:07,440
Oh. Oh. Oh, sorry. Nice mallet.
Yeah, it's for the tent.
348
00:19:07,440 --> 00:19:10,200
Also to use as a cosh in case you
turned out to be some
349
00:19:10,200 --> 00:19:11,720
sort of berserk pervert. Oh!
350
00:19:11,720 --> 00:19:17,080
That's so weird. I actually had
a lampshade ready for you. Donk!
351
00:19:17,080 --> 00:19:21,440
Oh, my god! Yeah. We were both
totally ready to slay each other.
352
00:19:23,400 --> 00:19:30,440
Going forward, um, would it be OK
if I called you my ex-girlfriend?
353
00:19:32,320 --> 00:19:33,520
Oh, uh...
354
00:19:34,680 --> 00:19:38,480
I guess that would be fine.
OK then, great.
355
00:19:38,480 --> 00:19:41,520
TEXT MESSAGE NOTIFICATION
Will do.
356
00:19:41,520 --> 00:19:43,040
Arriving now.
357
00:19:43,040 --> 00:19:47,200
Great, one minute early.
Fucked by the algorithm once again.
358
00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:48,560
Yeah. Um...
359
00:19:53,440 --> 00:19:56,280
Bye, then, waving guy.
360
00:19:56,280 --> 00:19:57,520
Bye.
361
00:20:04,800 --> 00:20:06,920
USMAN: My God, I've just
rubbed my wife's back
362
00:20:06,920 --> 00:20:08,920
so hard I've given myself thumb
cramps.
363
00:20:08,920 --> 00:20:11,280
I was taking a 40 minute
comfort break.
364
00:20:11,280 --> 00:20:13,680
Usman, don't you think
you should be in there with her?
365
00:20:13,680 --> 00:20:16,440
Well, in a very real way,
I already am.
366
00:20:16,440 --> 00:20:20,000
I rigged up a pillow with
a Bluetooth speaker inside it and
367
00:20:20,000 --> 00:20:23,560
I've recorded over 60 unique phrases
which are playing on shuffle.
368
00:20:23,560 --> 00:20:24,800
"Push, honey."
369
00:20:24,800 --> 00:20:26,280
"You're doing great."
370
00:20:26,280 --> 00:20:27,800
HE GASPS
"I can see the head!"
371
00:20:27,800 --> 00:20:30,360
So where are we on the mission?
You know what, Usman?
372
00:20:30,360 --> 00:20:34,160
I've turned a blind eye more times
than I can remember.
373
00:20:34,160 --> 00:20:36,440
I mean, that time you
logged on from the vestibule
374
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:38,520
at your cousin's memorial service.
375
00:20:38,520 --> 00:20:41,960
No, shut down the laptop,
get back in there or, God help me,
376
00:20:41,960 --> 00:20:43,320
I will smite you down myself.
377
00:20:43,320 --> 00:20:45,480
What am I doing?
378
00:20:45,480 --> 00:20:49,760
I'm about to become a father
for the third time and, look at me,
379
00:20:49,760 --> 00:20:53,120
hiding by the dialysis clinic
and meanwhile my beautiful wife
380
00:20:53,120 --> 00:20:56,600
is being serviced by a desk fan
and a talking pillow.
381
00:20:56,600 --> 00:20:59,920
No, I'm out of here! Meg, thank you,
but you are on your own.
382
00:21:02,240 --> 00:21:06,080
MOBILE RINGS
383
00:21:07,240 --> 00:21:11,480
Hello?
ALISON CRYING
384
00:21:11,480 --> 00:21:15,560
OK. Alison, slow down.
Jay just broke up with me!
385
00:21:17,400 --> 00:21:18,480
Nicky!
386
00:21:24,160 --> 00:21:27,760
Go and ask her if she's OK.
I can't ask her if she's OK, Meg.
387
00:21:27,760 --> 00:21:31,600
I'm visibly making the tea.
I'm visibly making the tea.
388
00:21:31,600 --> 00:21:33,520
Nicky...
389
00:21:33,520 --> 00:21:34,880
Fine then, Nicky!
390
00:21:41,800 --> 00:21:46,120
Are you OK, mate? No, I don't...
I don't want to talk about it.
391
00:21:46,120 --> 00:21:47,360
I just want to get drunk.
392
00:21:47,360 --> 00:21:49,600
Just anything to stop
myself from thinking.
393
00:21:52,800 --> 00:21:57,400
I mean...
if it's mindlessness you're after.
394
00:21:58,760 --> 00:22:03,520
Here comes the pain train,
motherfuckers!
395
00:22:03,520 --> 00:22:07,560
Alison, Alison, Alison!
They are all dead, Alison.
396
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:12,840
Oh, sorry.
I'm just getting used to it.
397
00:22:12,840 --> 00:22:14,160
RUSSELL: Hey, guys. What did I miss?
398
00:22:14,160 --> 00:22:17,360
Oh, my God, Russell. Please tell me
you made it out of Annette's.
399
00:22:17,360 --> 00:22:20,000
Yeah, because guess what,
one of my friends from the game
400
00:22:20,000 --> 00:22:24,000
offered me a place to stay
so I just got on the next plane.
401
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:25,720
Sorry, you got on a plane?
402
00:22:25,720 --> 00:22:30,400
Yeah...to the Philippines.
I've moved to the Philippines!
403
00:22:30,400 --> 00:22:32,400
I've really landed on my feet
this time.
404
00:22:32,400 --> 00:22:34,080
Russell, get me
a can of Mountain Dew
405
00:22:34,080 --> 00:22:36,400
and angle the desk fan
towards my arse crack.
406
00:22:41,880 --> 00:22:46,480
HE SINGS TO HIMSELF
407
00:22:46,480 --> 00:22:47,520
Shut up.
408
00:22:50,040 --> 00:22:52,920
NICKY: We did it. We finally did it.
409
00:22:55,280 --> 00:22:58,680
Finally. Mama, Papa!
410
00:22:59,640 --> 00:23:02,200
He's home. Back where he belongs.
411
00:23:08,800 --> 00:23:11,080
Oh, my God. Is Kingdom Scrolls
usually this emotional?
412
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:13,320
Alison, do you honestly think
I would play it
413
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:14,680
if it was as heart-stirring as this?
414
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:21,160
So what's next? Another cy-mish?
415
00:23:21,160 --> 00:23:24,640
Bring it on. I never want to
leave the flat again.
416
00:23:26,400 --> 00:23:30,960
I have waited for you to say those
words my entire adult life, Alison.
417
00:23:30,960 --> 00:23:35,880
Guys, I have an announcement to make
and it's pretty damn huge.
418
00:23:37,680 --> 00:23:40,000
It's going mobile.
419
00:23:40,000 --> 00:23:42,160
They just announced
Kingdom Scrolls Go
420
00:23:42,160 --> 00:23:43,520
for iPhone and Android!
421
00:23:47,800 --> 00:23:49,800
Kingdoms Scrolls
422
00:23:49,800 --> 00:23:52,920
It's fun for young and old
423
00:23:52,920 --> 00:23:55,400
We come to fight for gold
424
00:23:55,400 --> 00:23:58,880
An experience board
425
00:23:58,880 --> 00:24:01,280
Kingdoms Scrolls
426
00:24:01,280 --> 00:24:03,680
I love thee, Kingdoms Scrolls
427
00:24:03,680 --> 00:24:06,360
Just like...
428
00:24:22,520 --> 00:24:26,560
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