All language subtitles for 2.days.in.paris.2007.1080p.web.h264-strife.eng

This is us,
meaning him and me.

Right now
we're just exhausted.

We're back from a journey.

We saw palazzos,
vaporettos and espressos.

We were on a journey
to Italy,

like the title of a movie
with a happy ending.

Really, we were mostly
in Venice...

Because it is the city
where lovers go.

It's also the city over water
that will end up underwater.

Greens, ochers, pinks, blues,
even grays that shine. That's Italy.

And the pasta, of course.

Now we're a true couple. Two
years that we've been together.

Two years nowadays,
it's almost a miracle.

Two years of happiness
with ups and downs...

And in-betweens mostly.

Really, we just need to pick up Jean-Luc
that we dropped off at my parents'...

Between the airport
and the train station.

Night train to Venice,
that was my idea.

So on our way back to New York, we
have decided to spend two days in Paris.

Oh, my god. He's gonna kill him.
He's gonna kill him.

Isn't that the same guy... isn't it
the chef who nearly stabbed me...

For putting Parmesan cheese
on my seafood pasta?

It's the same guy.
It wasn't that bad.

What are you talking about? I
had food poisoning for four days.

Did you enjoy any of it? I enjoyed
the view from the bathroom.

Can we call a cab or something?
It's pouring already.

There's, like, one drop.
It's gonna pour. Trust me.

I'm gonna call a taxi because
you're made of sugar. I can't get sick.

The second we get back to
New York, I have to start work.

There's no signal. You're kidding
me. I'm gonna get a sinus infection.

'Cause the diarrhea
lowers your resistance.

Okay, there's a bus stop over
there. It's the direct bus... no, no.

No buses, no subways in Europe.
The terrorism and the whole thing.

What do you mean? Like it's
safer in New York? Paris is fine.

There's no terrorism in Paris.

Because France has a secret
deal with terrorist fundamentalists.

Because France is
a Muslim country after all.

You're a fucking psycho. I'll try to
get a connection somewhere. I don't...

excuse me. I heard you talking.
You're American, aren't you?

I am indeed.
Well, we're, uh,

a group of international
code breakers.

We're supposed to meet our French
delegation at the Louvre at 10:00 A.M.

Do you happen to know
if it's anywhere near here?

Oh, yeah. Actually, you're
really close. Oh, really?

Yeah... it's so close, I don't
think a cab will take you...

'Cause they're
very picky here.

So, all you do is
you would go right down there,

you make a left, make
your first right. Right, left?

Yeah... and then just keep going
straight for 10 minutes. You'll be fine.

You sure?
Yeah, yeah.

I appreciate it so much.
Americans are so friendly. Sure.

The French are just
so rude.

It's a cliché, but
it's true. It's true.

We Americans have to
stick together. That's right.

Thank you so much!
Absolutely. My pleasure.

Good luck.
Bye. Thank you.

Crack that code, huh?
Come on, guys. Let's go.

Okay. All right.

- Let's get going!
- No taxi in the area.

That's all right. We'll
be fine. What's going on?

What's...
what happened?

They wanted to know where
the Louvre was, so I told them.

You told them... you
know where it is? No.

And you told them to go
this way? But it's miles away.

Now we're at the beginning of
the taxi line. Survival of the fittest.

They're gonna go straight
to the suburb.

I mean, they're your
compatriots. My compatriots!

They voted for bush.
They're on a Da Vinci tour.

They're the physical embodiment
of everything that's wrong...

Culturally and politically
with this world.

Maybe they'll see something other
than the Mona Lisa. Get involved in a riot.

Jog their political
consciousness a little bit.

You're so mean, but
you're so right. I love you.

Awww. You're so smart.

Sinus infection.

Oh. It's automatic.

Can you turn the radio down?

We've been on a train
for 12 hours. We're exhausted.

Twelve? Where from?
Venice.

Hate the place!
Took both my wives there.

The program about
battered wives.

I want to listen to this.
Why?

I had two wives and I beat
them both. That's horrible!

Yeah, I was wrong...

Paris. I was born in the 13th,
raised in the 14th,

lived in the 9th, 10th,
11th, 12th, 19th and 20th...

Until I moved to New York.

I'm Marion,
and I'm a photographer.

It's ironic
since I can't see much.

I have a birth defect on my
retina. It's just full of tiny holes.

How can I describe to you
what I see?

There it is...
my vision of the world.

Yes, everyone sees the world
literally differently.

So I gave her
a good beating myself.

This is Jack.
He's an interior designer.

"Kids are like rats. They carry diseases."
Something he said on our third date.

- Oh, my god. I mean, look at the lights.
- I thought it was so... sweet.

It's like a postcard
of Paris.

I'm the photographer, but on
this trip, he took all the photos.

Every moment was digitized,
immortalized from every angle.

What's he taking
pictures of?

Everything.
Absolutely everything.

Another terrorist attack...

listen to that! Another
fast-food joint going up in smoke.

Last week it was
two sports stores...

And last month a supermarket.

He's an
"anti-globalization protester."

He burns fast food? I heard
there's shit in their meat!

It's right here.

- Up here?
- All right, you go straight.

This way?
One floor up.

Elevator?
What?

Elevator? It's on the second
floor. You think you can make it?

Didn't your train get in at nine?
Oh, mama.

Yeah, but with traffic,
strikes... France, what a mess!

What? Can't the poor
exploited nurses go on strike?

This isn't America!

You still have that huge
suitcase. You'll break your back!

You never listen, anyway.
If it's not...

yes, my mother is
a true pain in the butt.

But she's also the reason why
I became who I am.

Marion.
Marion. Marion.

Mom, Marion's stuck again!

Marion? Marion?

Mom, is Marion a retard?

When I was young,
I was a bit special,

but not special in a good way.

I was always late everywhere
because I was stuck in my world.

I would look at things in the
courtyard and the streets for hours.

I even think
I could hear voices.

But not the kind that tells you to
save the world. Other kinds of voices.

♪ We've got two willies

move it.

Some parents would have
been seriously worried.

The doctors had prescribed tons
of new medication,

but my mother said no.

She just got me
a Polaroid camera,

and instead of looking at things
for hours, I'd just photograph them.

You've always done exactly
what you wanted.

- And we had to fall in line.
- Really, I... honey?

Hello, madam.

Oh, bonjour.
Are you okay?

- Yes.
- Jack. Jack, Anna.

I'm sorry we met so
briefly on the way in. Yes.

Yes, very short presentation.

We had to drop off a very
important package... Jean-Luc.

Give me the pussycat.
Here, your phone!

Do you "do" a good voyage?

Oh, yes, very nice.
Très bon.

Yes, it was good?
Beautiful. Yes, very beautiful.

Come down for lunch at one.
Don't be late. Your dad hates that.

Right. D'accord.

How's Jean-Luc?
Sleeping.

Au revoir. She's so
sweet, your mother.

I know.
What happened to you?

I don't know. You having a
little trouble there, honey?

Oh, I need your help.

Oh, I need a strong man
to carry my suitcase.

I thought you wanted to be a strong,
independent woman and carry your own luggage.

Yeah, I am a strong, independent
woman. I am a strong, independent woman.

Okay, I got it. I got it.
Thank you.

So this is your big investment, huh? An
apartment one floor up from your parents?

It's convenient. Yeah,
especially if you like privacy.

No sarcasm in Paris. Okay,
I'll be quiet for two days.

Thank you.

What?

You like? You don't like?

What is it?

You don't like? No,
it's really... it's quaint.

What?
No, it's cute.

It's not mid-century, I know.
It's mid-century, 15th century.

No, it's very...

it's very Parisian, I guess.
Is that a compliment?

Sure. It's kind of
swampy in here.

Swampy? Yeah, like
the water at the lido.

- No, it's...
- what is that smell? What is that?

Oh, my god!
What?

Honey! Honey!

Honey, what the fuck
is that? Oh, it's a leak.

It's an old building. There's
leaks all the time. The plumber...

there's no plumber in France.

Is that black mold?
What's black mold?

- The deadliest fungus known to man if you inhale it.
- Don't inhale.

That's not funny.
I mean, seriously.

All right. No, it was there
when I was here in January.

It's fine. It's not black.
It-it's green.

Look at it. It's green. It's like blue
cheese. It's probably good for you.

Okay, everybody out.
Everybody out. Everybody out.

I'm condemning the bathroom.
It's a hot zone. All right.

It's a bio hazard. Okay, we'll
shit in the corner of the room.

We'll shit outside.
Yeah, perfect.

Honestly, this place is like a petri
dish for allergens, you know that?

Listen, we have allergies
because we are too clean, okay?

A hundred years ago...
mm-hmm?

We were covered in parasites
and we had no allergies. Really?

Yes. So is that the same theory
behind the French not bathing?

Yes. You sure you haven't
"find" my contact lenses?

No, I have not "find" it.
In your bag?

No, no. I don't feel well.
Which one for the... my dad?

I don't feel well!

I can't tell if it's
a migraine or if it's a flu.

Can I use this thermometer?

I usually don't use
this one in the mouth.

- Hmm?
- I don't use this in the mouth.

- Oh, come on! What is wrong with you?
- What?

It's a French thermometer. What, are you
five? You still use a thermometer up your ass?

It's the only way to get
your temperature properly.

Why? Why with you? I haven't
used it in, like, a few months.

Okay, I take
a shower first, all right?

Make sure to take
some antibiotics first.

I'm trying to send this design,

and I think it would be faster
if I just sent it by regular mail.

Okay.

I forget how slow
dial-up is.

We'll be back in civilization
in two days.

What?

That bedspread
is fucking ridiculous.

It's beautiful!
When did you get that?

Like 1982 or something?
'86. I don't know.

Don't move. Freeze.
What?

There's a bug? I know
what it is. Nan Goldin.

Looks like a Nan Goldin photo.
Stay right there. No pictures, please.

- No! Oh, my god.
- Perfect.

Lie down.

Work with me. Okay,
pretend you're on drugs.

What drug?
Heroin, of course.

Aha!

Perfect.

Look at that.

Oh, yeah, that's beautiful.
That's a beautiful photo.

You're such a talented
photographer. Fuck you.

You know why people are
attracted to one another? Oh, my god.

Really attracted to one another? I
try to kiss you and I get a lecture.

No, no, but I'm not kidding.
Okay, you tell me why.

Because people of very different immune
systems are attracted to one another...

So the offspring... the baby... will
have a stronger immune system...

With the combination
of the two immune systems.

Don't snore! It's important.
Oh, no. Yeah. No.

- I was saying the same thing.
- It's interesting.

Seriously, it's like dating public
television. You realize that?

No! And you don't like that?

That's so mean.
It's very educational.

Really sexy. Anyway,
that's complete bullshit.

My parents were madly in love
with each other when they had me.

And look at my immune system. It's a
fucking wreck. I know. But they probably...

it was more like an intellectual
attraction. I see. I see.

And that's why they split up
after you were born.

You are so sweet.
So what you're saying is...

Because your parents have been together,
like, 87 years, or whatever the hell it is...

38 years... that somehow you're
genetically therefore superior.

No, I'm not saying that. Why do you
have to make everything a competition?

- Look at me. I'm barely alive.
- How do I make everything a competition?

Well, look, for example, I'm a photographer,
and you keep taking pictures of everything.

The other day in Venice while I was
taking a picture of you under that bridge,

you started taking a picture of me
while I was taking pictures of you.

Is this... what is this,
like, shit all over Jack day?

I try to kiss you, and the next
thing I know I'm genetically inferior,

I'm a copycat with no identity
of my own...

I never said you
were genetically inferior.

I know exactly what you're
talking about. I don't understand...

Why you're not taking it as
flattery that I'm interested in photo...

okay, enough of this
argument.

Can we... can we go on a little
bit? Because I'm enjoying this, really.

It's lovely.

What? What is it? What is
it? I'm sensing something.

No, you're scaring me.
No, I'm sensing something.

What is it? Like I have cancer or
something? You smell, like, a tumor?

You're like those dogs.
What, I'm like a dog?

Those dogs that are trained to smell
something. I'm not a cancer-sniffing dog.

I'm sensing that we have very,
very different immune systems.

And I really... I think we
should do something about it.

Really? Like my immune system
is very different from yours?

Our offsprings would be really,
really strong. Immune to everything.

Oh, that's nice.
Yeah.

All right. But maybe in the
meantime before we do procreate,

you mind getting
a condom?

Where are they?
Under the sink.

When did you get these?

Like circa the Nan Goldin
bedspread purchase?

- No, I got them in January.
- January?

Yeah. Were you planning
on cheating on me in January?

Actually, I was planning on
having sex with you in January,

but you canceled because
you had an eye infection.

You were supposed to
come to Paris, remember?

Oh, yeah. That's right.
Chlamydia in the eye. It's so rare.

It's so sexy.

What? What the hell is going on?

What is it? Are these
things even condoms?

No, but that... what
else is it? I don't know. I...

you're gonna break it. Don't pull
it down like this from the tip. No.

These are smaller than the
ones in Italy, if that's possible.

No, they're not smaller...
okay, I give up.

Okay, what is it?
You just go like this.

This is... this is
pretty simple. Careful.

Oh, I didn't touch you.

Barely. Is this, like,
a kid-sized condom?

Do they make condoms
for kids? Okay, it's on.

No wonder the French men have to be
so romantic. Dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Okay, let's do this. All
right, great. All right, yes.

Oh, no. That's my leg.

Please.
No.

I can't see you. I could be having
sex with Gregory peck or something.

Well, good for you.
Okay, so much for foreplay.

Who is it?

- It's my mother.
- Am I disturbing you?

It's okay.
It's just my mother.

Don't come in.
We're getting changed.

I came to see if you've got
any clothes to wash.

We'll bring it down later.
Okay, I'll wait.

You'll wait downstairs?
Yes.

Thanks.

Thanks, bye.

Your mother has keys? Of course she
has keys. I'm away 10 months a year.

Oh, my god. All right, do you have
anything to wash? She wants to know.

No, I don't... I don't
have... no. Oh, god.

It's a machine. I'm sorry.
I gotta take a shower.

'Cause the thing is cutting off circulation
to my brain, and your mom and the whole...

what are you talking about?
I'm sorry. I love you.

All right. Nice.
Okay, good-bye.

Dad?

Oh, god! I'm going
to start on the rabbit.

I have to chop it up.
Ooh, la, la.

All right?

All the sparrows in the garden
have been scared off by Jean-Luc.

Of course.
He'd gobble them up.

You think so?
But he's so sweet.

Are you kidding?

It's only because we're bigger
and we feed him...

That he doesn't
eat us alive.

You're so negative.

Hasn't he put on weight?

I had some cans of foie gras
getting past their sell-by date.

You fed him foie gras?

You know he only eats
dry cat food.

I've had him 10 years
and that's all he eats.

Fat is bad for animals.
He's enormous!

He's like dad. You get your hands on
someone and turn them into a fat lump.

They won't let me keep him
with me in the cabin.

That's why I have
to keep him under 5 kilos.

They'll put him in the luggage
compartment, drug him and...

lots of animals die
during the flight.

How can you say that? I've
taken care of him for two weeks.

I love this cat,
but your dad hates him.

He calls him
"eat-shit-sleep."

He wanted to kick him out
and now you tell me...

calm down.

They'll put him in a
cage! You're scaring him.

They're going to kill him!

What's going on?

My mother has always been
very good at crying,

turning any situation
to her advantage.

In a few seconds,
my dad will reprimand me...

And never again will I mention the
fact that Jean-Luc has gained 10 pounds.

We couldn't go on vacation
because of that spoiled doormat!

You say Paris is great in summer,
with all the filthy cars gone away.

If you upset your mother,
you'll be in trouble.

He's fat.
He had them chopped off.

Like me.
That's why I got fat!

I had them chopped off
by your mother.

Bastard!

Is, uh, everything
okay down there?

- Yes. Why?
- Uh... no reason.

Are you coming down? We're
having lunch in, like, 30 minutes.

I'm a little terrified,
but okay.

All right, let's do this.

Hello.
Hello. How are you?

Jack, Jeannot.
Good to finally meet you.

Your other cat. He hasn't
had them chopped off, huh?

Oh. Oh, no. Insulted already?

Does he understand?
No.

Huh?
Ah, go.

Ooh, la, la.
It's very hot. Watch out.

Smells good. What is that? Yes.
It's delicious. He's a great cook.

Lapin.

What's "lapin"?

Lapin.

Bunny.

Oh, no.
What?

- Oliver.
- Who's Oliver?

My pet bunny when I was eight years old.
He was ravaged by the neighbor's Labrador.

All that was left was
two ears. But I'll eat it.

You don't have to eat it.
Yes, I do.

- Lapin, no?
- Very good.

Lapin. I don't want
to upset the natives.

- Please.
- A thigh.

- You don't have to. I didn't know about Oliver.
- Yes, I do.

- Please.
- Plate.

Oh.
A little leg.

Please. Thank you.
It looks like chicken.

A small piece.
I'm used to small ones.

- Marion?
- Some back.

- Oh, the head!
- It's good, taste.

For real men!

Real men eat the head.

Is that...
is that the heart?

No, that's the head.
He likes the head.

- Carrot?
- Oh, carrot. Sure.

Carrot, Jack. We're gonna eat
the bunny's food as well, huh?

- Yes.
- Are his toys in there?

Sauce, wine black...
wine, uh...

white wine.
Wine, uh, white.

- White wine? Oh.
Vin blanc.

Vin blanc.
Vin blanc.

- Anna, your plate.
- No, no, I don't want.

Oh!
What a pain in the butt.

Got enough, dad?
Is that your diet?

Rabbit is lean meat.

But look how much you're eating!

And look at
your fat ass!

This guy
is sick in the head.

I've got a fat ass because
I stopped smoking 18 months ago.

Jeannot, that's enough!
Will you stop bugging her?

She's the one bugging us!
What? I'm eating it. I'm eating it.

She came from New York
especially!

It has nothing to do with
you.- Shut up, asshole!

Let's be civilized. He came all
this way to meet you. Talk to him!

We'll talk to Jack, then.

We'll talk about
American literature.

Kerouac? Ker... yes, I love
Kerouac. J'aime Kerouac. Yeah, yeah.

Faulkner?
Is he quizzing me?

- It's a little welcome quiz.
- Faulkner?

Faulkner, yes.
The sound and the fury.

What?

- Ah, yes. Miller, Henry?
- Henry Miller.

- Yes, yes. Expat. Ahead of his time.
- Sex?

- Yes, sex. Yes.
- Sex is good.

Sex, Miller. Sex is...

dad, don't start!
What's that mean?

- Non, jeannot, non!
- Sweetie, it's okay. It's okay. Don't worry.

Uh, French write?

Hmm?
Speak French writer.

- French writers, yeah.
- -Now we're doing French writers?

- Yes, we are.
- Rimbaud.

- Rimbaud, yes. Yes. Très bon.
- Rambo?

- Rambo?
- - That's how they say it in English.

- Oh, I mispronounced.
- Ah, Rambo.

Yes.
What a bunch of idiots!

Please!

It's a highbrow humor.

Baudelaire.

Good, good, good.
Verlaine.

Verlaine.
Huh? Molière.

Ooh. Bravo.

- Not bad!
- See!

Auguste Renoir...
a great writer.

- He's a painter!
- Ah, good!

He's trying to trick me!
I know. He did.

- Bravo, Jack!
- He's not like the morons you usually bring home.

- You can't fuck with me, man.
- Thanks a lot.

With such a weird face,
he better be smart! Mama!

What?
Nothing.

It's Rose.

She's got keys too, huh?

Hi.
It stinks in here.

Sorry, we didn't have time to deodorize.
Ow!

Bonjour, mama.
Hi, dad.

You're early.

- I got out of work early.
- Hello.

Hi. How are you?
I'm Rose.

- Yes, Jack. Nice to meet you.
- My sister.

Nice to meet you.

As attractive as in the
photos. As nice as ever.

Isn't there any coffee?
Yes, in the coffeepot.

See to it, huh?
As usual.

- She's getting worse.
- I pity the kids she takes care of.

I can hear you!

Are we gonna go visit Paris?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, yeah.

Um, I would like to
go see the catacombs.

And the, uh... what is it?
Pére-lachaise? Pére-lachaise.

The catacombs and a cemetery?
A lot of fun, isn't he?

Well, to see
Jim Morrison's grave.

Did I say something tacky?

We took pictures in Venice. Didn't
we? Didn't we? Oh, yes, many pictures.

You wanna... would you like to
see some pictures? Yeah? Yes.

Mom, do you ever use
your computer?

No. We asked Rose to teach
us but... I haven't had time.

You didn't show them at all?
Or find someone else to do it?

You show up, hand out your
presents, and leave the rest to me.

But you help people
with learning disabilities.

Once and for all, I help children with
psychological problems, not retards!

Hey, you two brats!

Just because you can send
"e-miles" doesn't make you superior.

This is the Plaza San Marco.
Oh.

You can put so many photos
on this thing!

Yes, it's digital.

Yes, bravo.
Lots of nice photos.

Oh, thank you. Yeah,
I just got the camera for work,

but, you know,
I... I like doing it.

Yes, but why no balloons
in these photos? I'm sorry?

Rose?
Why did you say that?

It's just a joke.
He didn't get it.

Uh... did you show the
photos to your sister?

No. Quoi? No. Shh.
I told her about it.

You're a real pain.
I didn't do anything!

- Honey.
- Oh, yes.

What?
Good!

Stop it, dad.
Balloons. Photo balloons.

No, dad, please don't!

Three balloons. What a
pain! Please don't do this!

Nice weenie
with balloons.

- Balloons!
- No!

Balloons.

You're unbelievable!
I'm sorry.

Nice weenie.

Mom!

Really, Anna.
You're pains, all of you.

Okay, sweetie, you're not... it's
funny. Sweetie, it's funny. So...

funny.
Stop being overprotective.

Um, that's
a little bird on the...

bird?
Terrace of the hotel.

Au revoir.

Drop by your dad's art gallery.
There's an opening.

Homosexuals! It's just
not right. It's disgusting!

Huh, Kiki?
You wouldn't do that.

Nice snorting.

You used to like my snorting
when I laughed. I know. But I said...

after two years it
gets a little tiring.

I said I liked your snorting 'cause
I was trying to get in your pants.

Once I got in your pants, there was no need
to compliment you on your snorting anymore.

But now it "discusses" you.
It doesn't "discuss" me.

"Discuss me" would be, like,
if we were to discuss something.

I'm sorry. I speak four
languages, okay? Oh, yeah.

Which one of them do you speak
well again? I'm not...

'cause I have no proof
that you speak French well.

For all I know, you could be stupid in
French. It's true. How would I know?

You know, I'm not a big death fan, but
this place is strangely UN-depressing.

I know. All the Parisians
are dead here.

That's why it's so quiet?
Yeah, it's so nice.

- Je t'aime.
- Why do you put a...

- je t'aime.
- Je t'aime.

- Je t'aime. It's French.
- It's easy. You don't put a...

it's not German.

It's so ugly when
you speak French.

It's really... why are we
even going there?

Jim Morrison? Why? You
don't even like the doors.

No, it's a famous grave,
though. I'm a huge Val Kilmer fan.

You take your photo and we go, okay?
All right.

Pardon. Pardon.

Oh, no... we're getting
the party started.

Just take the photo. What's wrong
with her? Little miniature hippie.

Are you all right, miss?

Come on.

Okay, let's go.
I'm a free spirit.

This is it.
Super cool.

Yeah, super cool.

I'm so sorry. I can't believe
the catacombs were closed.

It's one of my favorite things
to do in Paris. Yeah, well...

I can't believe we have not run into
one single person I know this entire trip.

I mean, what about the collective
dynamics of the small world network?

Collective dynamics
of the small world network,

a book Jack read
while we were in Venice.

Everywhere we went, he was
looking for proof that this theory works.

It's very simple.
Our world is very small.

And if you travel to
the other side of the planet,

there is a very high probability
that you will bump into someone...

Who lives right down
the street from you.

Scientifically, it is proven
that it's not just chance.

We are a whole
and everything is connected.

The illusion of chaos
in which we live...

Is actually quite orderly
and definitely linked.

But it's just a theory, and Jack
spent our two weeks in Venice...

Looking for a sign of it, and
nothing. Morality, mortality?

- Manu!
- Marion? Amazing!

Okay? I was talking about you...

Only today.
Really?

So what's new?

Well, my book's just
come out. Great. A novel?

No, short stories.
But... linked.

Great.
This is Jack. Manu.

- How are you? Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you, Jack.

You speak French?
No, no.

So that's it? You've settled
in the states for good?

For now, yeah. I'm with Jack
and it's going well.

What?

Are you going
to Vanessa's tonight?

Yes, for sure.
Me too.

We're going to my friend's party
tonight. Oh, tonight. Yeah, yeah.

You haven't changed.
It's amazing.

It's like time
has stood still.

Stop it.
You decided not to age.

Cut the bullshit.
We spent all night on a train.

You look gorgeous.
Stop it.

I swear.
Stop it. Stop it.

Well, we'd better go.
My dad has an opening later.

Jeannot. Say hello for me.
Yeah. See you later.

Nice to meet you, man.
Yeah, that was nice, homey.

"That was nice, homey"?
Oh, that's funny.

Let's get a cab, huh?
You wanna get a cab? Okay.

Um, so what's the deal, man?
What?

That guy was looking at you
like you were a big leg of lamb.

It's like he had the fork and the knife
and the bib. I am a big leg of lamb.

I know, but you're my leg of
lamb. How do you know him?

Well, we met many years ago,
and we had a little thing.

I think I gave... I gave
him a blow job. No big deal.

Really? A blow job's
no big deal?

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'm all right.

It's no big deal in comparison
to what's going on in the world.

You know, there's George Bush, the war in
Iraq, there's avian flu and there's a blow job.

You know what I mean?
Right, right.

In consideration, it's...

nice transition. It's a pretty
minor event. Don't you think?

I would actually say
it's not a minor event,

if you wanna start talking in the
grander political scheme of things.

If you think about it,
it was a blow job,

after all, that brought down America's
last chance at a healthy democracy.

So... yeah.
Hmm.

Hey, do we have to go
to this thing tonight?

You don't wanna go?
No, no, I'm just...

we don't have to go, but I'd love
to see my friends. No, it's fine.

Are you friends
with all your exes?

I'm friends
with some of my exes.

I mean, you know,
most of them.

I mean, this guy's
a really wonderful writer-poet.

A French poet.

You're not friends
with any of your exes?

No.
Really?

No.
I didn't know that about you.

- When it was over, it was over.
- So, if we broke up,

you would not like to see me
ever again?

No. I mean, if I ran into you,
I wouldn't avoid you.

But I wouldn't go out of my way
to hang out with you, no.

So that means you don't think I'm a
likable person outside of our relationship?

Oh, yeah, basically.
That's interesting.

I like you. I would like to be your
friend when we break up. Oh, when?

Whenever we break up.
Oh, okay.

If we break up. You know, I would
like you even if we were not together.

Well, that's very evolved of
you. I mean, I'm... you know.

That's the way we do it in France...
we stay really close to our exes.

France is responsible for so
much of your personal behavior.

How does the government
feel about that?

- They make me pay a lot of taxes.
- Right. Hey, look.

Could we stop at a pharmacy? My head is just
killing me. I ran out of migraine medication.

Really? Oh, no. We can get
codeine over the counter here, right?

No.
No? Why no?

Well, because it's France. You
can't buy opiates over the counter.

It's not Afghanistan.
Hmm.

Okay, there's no taxi here.
Come on. Let's go.

Maybe you can find
some heroin over the counter.

This is the bridge. I've seen last
tango more than anybody on the planet.

- Stop there.
- Where?

Right there. You're doing
Brando in the opening scene.

I'm not doing Brando.
Yeah. Look...

why don't you do Brando? 'Cause
you look more like Brando than I do.

I don't look anything
like him. Come on.

Oh, man. Fingers in the ear.
And then... back. You're in pain.

You're very upset. Here we
go. Ah... fingers in the ear.

Aah!

- All right, good. You know what?
- What?

Taking pictures all the time
turns you into an observer.

It automatically takes you out
of the moment. This is the bridge!

For our trip to Venice, I wanted
to be in the moment with Jack.

But instead of kissing
on the gondola,

Jack took 48 pictures
on the gondola.

Instead of holding hands
walking across piazza San Marco,

Jack took 72 pictures
of piazza San Marco.

Et cetera. Et cetera.

Which one of these
looks more Godard?

Uh...
Godard?

Or Godard?

Black.
Huh.

- How do I look?
- The question is,

is how do I look?

Okay. Um, you look great.
You look really good actually.

Like not too fat
or too, like...

no, you look fat,
but you look good.

You look good.

Really, without your glasses,
I kind of forgot how good...

I know. I "find"
my contacts finally.

Making quite an effort, huh?
Huh?

Unlike Venice.
Is it for manu?

Manu?
We're gonna pass by...

My father's, uh, gallery,
on the way.

Is that okay?
No, because...

I think you might
like it.

- Do you read the Bible?
- I have the Bible?

I didn't even know
I had the Bible.

You have this in the Bible.

Oh, that's, uh...
oh, yeah.

Oh.

No, but...

oh, that's so funny.
You found it. Yeah.

No, it's... I was looking
for it the other day.

I... it's, uh...
what's his name?

I don't know. I mean,
there's so many.

He's the boyfriend of one of
my best friends when I was a kid.

Jean-Phillipe. Jean-Louis.
Jean-Louis. Jean-Francois!

Jean-Francois? Jean-Francois?
It was about 10 years ago.

That's not an ex-boyfriend or
anything. That's just a friend.

It was the 14th of July. He was
drunk. I was drunk. We were all drunk.

You should see around him. There was,
like, 20 people around wearing balloons.

You don't think it's a little
offensive to have the same picture?

What? What? It's
the same exact photo.

As what?
"As what?"

Yeah. Oh, I... no.
As me.

No, it's not. It's not at all. Those
are blue, white and red balloons.

Oh, that's...
like the 14th of July.

Is this... is this like the equivalent of
mounting different boyfriends' heads on the wall?

But instead, you take pictures of
helium balloons tied around cocks?

Are there more? If I start
looking through all of the books,

will I find just a catalog of men with
helium balloons tied around their dick?

Will it start raining
helium balloons on cocks?

No. It's a coincidence.

Come on.
It's no big deal.

No, I just feel
really... special.

You're special to me. That
photo we did was special.

That was not like this one.
This one was, like, I was drunk.

Everyone was drunk.
You're offended.

Yeah.
You're very special.

Like in the retarded way, which is
obviously why I am going out with you.

You're okay, booby?
Yeah.

Are you American?
Uh...

he is. I'm French.
We live in New York.

Cool! I love New York.

I went last year.
I loved downtown, Soho...

cool, man.
Ah, super cool.

Are you married?
Non.

Do you have children?
Non.

Really? How old are you?
We're all friends here, right?

Yeah. I'm 35.

Don't wait too long.
Won't he give you one?

No, it's me. No, no.
I don't believe that.

All women want children.
It's in their nature.

If he doesn't want to...

I can help.
It's up to you, of course.

I make beautiful kids.

So if you want a Brad Pitt or a
George Clooney. It's up to you.

You know who to call.

He's just saying how beautiful
his kids are.

Hmm. That's funny.

I'm just saying because...
You're not bad.

You look like
that American actress.

She's married to that guy
from fatal attraction. Douglas!

He's saying I look like Catherine
zeta-Jones. Catherine zeta-Jones?

That's the one!

Great. We have a blind
cab driver. No, I know.

But I'm blonde
and I don't look like her.

But you've got exactly
the same face, sparkling eyes...

you're like twin sisters.

Except you're more beautiful,
of course.

Jack. Enchanté.
Jack.

De Gaulle is fucking
the ass...

- Of middle class French.
- Right.

'68 at the barricades!

Bam! Bam!

That's Anna.
Anna.

Because Michelle was
with Anna.

They shared the same woman
for a while with my mother.

They were having sex.
Of course they did.

Lover. The lover.
The lover, yeah.

They're all touching
each other. It's, uh...

a chicken. Chicken.
Chicken.

Sure, you gotta have a
chicken. Yeah, chicken, sex.

Oh, no, no. I...

- it's French!
- But I get migraines.

Marion, "migraine"?
What's he saying?

He gets headaches
from red wine.

Speak French, goddamn it!

Are you nuts?
You'll scare him.

Red wine
gives him migraines.

The exhibition's fabulous,
dad. Really, you like it?

It's a man who is pregnant
having a baby.

Oh, like the Arnold Schwarzenegger
movie. Hermaphrodite.

Dad, show him
my favorites.

I'll leave you with Jack.
You take care of him.

But we can't understand
each other.

Uh, pigs.
Uh-huh.

Oh, yeah. Pigs with
some sort of salami. Yes.

What...

Marion? Marion?

Yes? Yes? What's
going on? Your father...

cunnilingus. Cunnilingus
French. Cunnilingus.

I'm sorry, honey.
I'm sorry. Oh, no.

Where are you going?

How are you?
Fine, and you?

Yeah, fine.

Good-bye, Jack.
Au revoir.

See you soon.
Yeah.

Huh? Oh, yes. Yeah.
Oui. Au revoir. Au revoir.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey.

Where are you going? I'm done
here. I'll see you at Vanessa's?

Yeah. You know, I
wanted to tell you...

I think it's wrong
what Marion did...

showing those pictures of you
with the balloons to the family.

Well... it's wrong. You
know, it's... it's not right.

It showed... it showed no respect
for your "intimity" as a couple.

"Intimity"? Oh,
intimacy. Your intimacy.

I know, right? I'm
not crazy, right? No.

Take care.
Okay, all right.

What are you doing? Oh, I needed
some air. It was so stuffy in there.

I know. It's hot. You wanna
go? Yeah, yeah. You ready?

You say good-bye to my dad?
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

You okay?
Yeah.

I gotta tell you something. I think it was
wrong you showed that picture to your family.

It shows a total lack
of respect for our intimacy.

Oh, the picture.
But it's so funny. Come on.

It's totally inappropriate. My dad
loved it. He thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, judging by the work in his
gallery, somehow that doesn't surprise me.

I just don't like being
laughed at, that's all.

Come on. I never take
subways in New York.

There is no chance of a
terrorist attack right now.

Everyone's happy.

They don't look happy.
Hmm?

They don't look happy.

It's okay.
It's all right.

It's okay.

I got it.

It didn't work.

Maybe not crazy enough.

Hey.

Hello.
Jack.

Vanessa. My friends.
Nice to meet you.

- Hi.
- So you're the new boyfriend?

What's your name?
Sandra.

Oh, Sandra. New
boyfriend? Uh, not that new.

But all right.
Nice to meet you.

Somewhat used.
Hey.

Hi.

Very good.
Are you okay?

Oh, yeah. No. Very good.
I'm eating little hot dog balls.

I got a beer. Everything's
good. Oh, good.

- You want some more food?
- I'm okay, honey. I'm 35.

Okay, fine.

She... she still breast-feeds
me, but don't tell anybody.

Elves came to help me one day
when I was looking for something...

And they found it for me.

Bullshit!
I swear it's true!

By the way,
did you notice...

How most woman have
their pussy formatted.

They have that
horrible cut, you know.

The subway ticket.

Subway ticket? Uh...
yeah, it's...

the ticket métro, we call it
here... it's narrow and rectangle.

Oh, landing strip.
Yeah, I hate it.

You don't like that?
No, it's horrible.

Yeah, yeah. I actually
call it Hitler's mustache.

Wow. You really hate it.

You look at it like this
and the thing's like...

yeah, it's horrible.

It always make my cock back
away. Not... uh-huh. Uh-huh.

It's not the right term?
No, I...

you know, when it
gets scared or cold?

Oh, yeah, scared.
I guess, cold.

Maybe Americans don't
have that problem, you know.

You're never scared
of entering hostile territory.

By the way, I'm Mathieu.
Nice to meet you. Mmm. Jack.

Nice to meet you.

Hey, sweetie. The guy's
talking about fascist vaginas.

I saw you
from over there.

You're doing an exhibition?
Photos?

A bit more conceptual.

Sort of bill viola
but more sexual. You'd like it.

Manu!

What?
No, he's doing an exhibition.

Like he's a really
interesting artist. Oh, yeah.

Ex-boyfriend?
No!

You sure?
That'd be a record.

Oh, man...

You don't have to speak to him.
Come on. No, I want to. I love man...

I always thought that
a very small lie,

if it has no repercussions on
anything or anyone, is not really a lie.

You have to make a small diagram
in your head...

Evaluating the pros and cons of
the possible consequences, d - c e I t

and especially if there's a chance
that the lie might be uncovered.

Hey, it's you. How you
doing? Hey, man, how are you?

Oh, okay. Sure. Okay.
What's up?

Not much. Not much.
How you doing? I'm okay.

She told you that we used
to be together, right? Oh, yes.

You know, man, it was,
like, 15 years ago, so it's no...

yeah, yeah.
No big deal, really.

Yeah.
I... she was 19.

Just a child. I gave her her
first orgasm through intercourse.

I mean, this is rude. I know when
I'm rude. This is rude. Sorry about that.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. Hey, look, you
paved the way for the rest of us, right?

I'll drink to that.
Let's toast to that.

Let's toast to that.
Okay.

Anyway, you know, it wasn't
even a big love story. Mm-hmm.

More like brother and sister. Oh,
a brother and sister that have sex.

No big deal, you know.
Right. Well, to each his own.

I have to just go get this,
uh... the-the thing. Okay.

I love that guy.
Go get it.

What is it? Sole blow job,
huh? You had sex with the guy.

Who?
Manu!

No! Well, yes. Just
vaguely. "Vaguely"?

What is that, just the tip? I don't
see what the point of lying about it is.

I didn't lie. You did. And
not to mention the fact...

That he told me that he was the first person
to give you an orgasm through intercourse.

Sound familiar? Rings a
bell, doesn't it? No, listen, I...

no. I told him that to make him feel
better... I mean, good. Right, exactly.

Which is exactly what
you told me. Did I?

Oh, my god. But you
"knew" it's true with you.

Is that amnesia? I don't
understand. No, booby, don't be...

don't be all crappy like
this. Please, don't be jealous.

You knew I wasn't a virgin
when I met you. I was 33.

Okay, that's not what I'm talking about.
I'm talking about the lying about it.

Of course you're not a virgin. Far from
it, in fact. I'm gonna get some dinner.

I'm a child psychologist. I work
with, uh, children with difficulties...

In their teens.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Rich children with money
and problems. Oh, right.

Yeah, that happens. Well,
that... that sounds very fascinating.

One time... I have to
tell you this story. Uh-huh.

I was working with this
kid in my office... uh-huh.

And I had to go to
the toilets. Uh-huh.

And when I came back,

my chair was all wet.

Ha, ha.
That little... rat,

he had peed on it.
Oh.

I was so... I was so mad.

The only thing I could think about
after that is that I just wanted to...

Cut it off...
I just wanted to cut it off.

Quit your job or...
no!

I wanted to cut off his little
penis! Oh, his little penis.

Yes.
Oh, boy.

I really like this salad.
Are there mussels in it?

I can't take it.
We fight all the time.

You go to temple sometimes?
Uh, no.

In fact, I'm not
really Jewish. What...

well, my mother
was brought up catholic.

Even though I have a Jewish last
name. So, technically not Jewish.

But your father is Jewish.
So you're Jewish too, man.

Right, right. You're a
happy, hairy Jewish man.

You think Hitler would have let you
go because your mother's not Jewish?

Doesn't change anything. You'll be in a
camp. Put in a camp by all these guys.

Right, right.
Okay, all right.

Yeah, I never liked camp.

By the way. I'll be in your
apartment for a couple of days.

- Marion invited me.
- We got a real small one bedroom.

I'll bring foie gras.
I feel that I'm your brother.

And that what mine
is just yours, man.

Does that mean
what's mine is yours?

If you wanna give, I'll take it.
So this applies to everything?

Let me just explain
something to you.

Um, I'm American, right?
Yeah.

And in America,
what's mine is mine.

See, my first religion
is private property.

Don't trespass. Don't
touch my shit. Yeah.

Or I'll kill you. Okay?
That's good, man.

I like that, man. See you in
August. I love your humor.

You told this paranoid crazy person
he can stay at our place in August?

No. I said he could stay
if we were away.

You might wanna talk to him, 'cause he thinks
our apartment is the fucking promised land.

I was talking to Jack. Nice guy.
Yeah, nice.

Not uptight, not too American.
No broom up his ass.

Tattoos all over,
but I guess you must like that.

Well, he's been
in jail so...

a financial thing? Enron...
no, he did eight years.

Homicide.
First-degree murder.

This guy was staying with him
and his girlfriend.

Jack was 19 and he...

he has anger-management issues.

He invited me to stay
a few days in August but...

I wasn't sure I'd be able
to make it.

That sucks.
I'm going to get another drink.

I want to remember the least
romantic day in Parisian history.

All these off-the-wall projects,
I couldn't do them here.

I had to, I had to...

these old perverts wanted me
to blow them. Disgusting.

That's disgusting.

You didn't have to blow anyone
to make it?

In art you don't have to blow?
No, you don't have to blow, but...

you have to lick a bit.
Yeah, that's it.

She's totally empty now.

Shit!
My contact lens.

There it is.

You got it?
Yeah.

Great!

I'll put it back in.

Hey, are you okay?
Don't fall.

♪ In the stars
in the stars ♪

What the fuck?

Marion?

Marion!

Marion...

what's going... oh,
oh, oh. Oh, sweetie.

What's going on? What's
going on? I don't feel good.

Huh?
I don't feel good.

What's the matter? What's
the matter? The mussels.

Huh? I've just
remembered, I'm allergic.

Wha...
I ate mussels, didn't I?

We-we had m...
no, no, no.

We had mussels last month
on long island. Mussels.

Yeah, but it was American mussels.
Maybe I'm allergic to French mussels.

Quiet! Someone call 911!
Is it 911 here?

No!
What?

- I'm allergic to French mussels.
- Somebody call...

wait. What's the matter?
What's the matter?

I don't have a pulse. Yes,
you do, honey. You're alive.

I don't have a pulse!
No, no, no. Yes, you do.

I'm dead! No, you're
not. You're talking...

I'm dead!
No, you're not...

you had a dizzy spell.

I had no pulse!
Breathe deeply.

I had something stuck
in my throat, something hairy.

I'm allergic to French mussels.
You have to give me an injection.

You ate too much,
that's all.

Drink some water...
I'm scared, doctor!

Get some fresh air, you'll be fine.
Your blood pressure's perfect.

Jack?
I'm alive, booby.

Yeah, I know you are.
I could tell by all the talking.

Yes.
Yeah.

Hey, do you have anything
for, uh, sinuses?

- Antihistamine?
- Uh, actually, no.

No. But she'll be
fine. She'll be okay.

Yeah, I know.
Okay.

Another Arab. The last one I
took jumped out without paying.

The other day
I had some Germans.

Never again.

They had sausages in their bags.
It still stinks!

Nothing but Romanian scum!

Did you enjoy
talking to my sister?

I mean, you barely spoke
to anyone else.

That's untrue. I talked to
Mathieu and manu and Sandra.

They were charming.

Charming as in charming, or are
you sarcastic? No, no, they were lovely.

I can't tell with you.

Where's your friend from?
He doesn't speak French.

He's American.

American?

You don't speak English.
No, I don't.

You don't speak many languages.
What?

I speak French.
That's enough, okay?

You don't want us in your taxi
because we're not speaking French?

Who do you pick up in your
taxi? You don't like Germans.

Arabs?
No, you don't like Arabs.

The Romanians? Send
them home with their whores!

And gas the Jews!

Hey, I never said that!

Gas chambers were an invention
to get our money!

Are you sick in the head?
Listen to yourself!

Hey, dumb blonde, who do you
think you're talking to?

You're the fucking dumb blond!
Hey, hey...

sweetie, it's okay.
It's under control.

"Sweetie." We're dealing
with a fucking psychopath...

Nazi fucking racist asshole.

And that's okay, because
you know what? That's France.

We are in France.
"Sweetie," uh...

welcome to France! Welcome
to France! Welcome to France!

We're getting out here.

Before you get out you pay me,
or we go straight to the cops.

We'll pay you, asshole!
We're rich. We're Americans!

You shut your mouth!

I'll kick your ass!
Whose ass you gonna kick?

You with the beard, shut up!
Uh, over here. Whoa, we can...

we can just... this is fine.
This is good right here.

I'm just gonna find
a spot to park...

oh, my god.
Oh, my god.

And then we'll have a talk,
little woman.

We're gonna talk
about your little woman?

No, I said you, little woman! I
thought you meant your wife.

Because I heard
your wife's fucking an Arab.

Quoi?

Thank you so much. That was
very educational. Thank you.

Good night.
Fuck you!

Good night. Thanks.

Bitch! Go get fucked
by your yank!

What is wrong with you?
That guy was a racist.

You know, when we get back
to the states,

we're checking you into a...
Anger management/rehab clinic.

I didn't even get angry. I
mean, is it okay to be racist?

At least Rose is alive.

It smells like lamb
in here.

This whole city smells
like lamb. Uh-huh.

What is this?
Did your mother do this?

Uh, laundry.
That was sweet.

Oh, shit. I tell her not to
do it, but she can't help it.

She irons jeans?
Who irons jeans?

Ironing jeans is her
favorite thing in the world.

It's... it's nice.

All right. You know... I
thought she was a hippie.

Yeah, but eventually her mother's
habits started creeping in and out on her.

Okay. You see, this is
what I'm talking about.

What? I'm trying to get
on top. Yeah, I know.

You keep fighting it.
Yeah.

What's going on? 'Cause
you always want to get on top.

What do you mean I always want to
get on top? That's how I like to do it.

That's how you like to do it. But I'm
here too. I'm not like a human dildo.

You're not?
I'm serious.

You know, for all this talk about women being
objectified and women are over-sexualized...

And women being pieces of meat,
women being baby-making machines,

it's men... it's men
who are pieces of meat.

It's true. Because there's such
emphasis placed on the female orgasm.

It's all about the end result. What's the
best position for the woman? What's the...

it should be a two-way street.
It should be about compromise.

I really feel for you. I mean, it
must be horrible to be a man...

And be used and be an object
and all that.

I really support your cause.
You should call amnesty.

I'm so sorry. You know what?
I'm not in the mood anymore.

No, no, no, no, no... no. How do
you want me to have sex with you?

Please. Look, I'm sorry...
no. I'm not doing this right now.

Oh, hey, let's do
it from behind. No!

Okay. Okay? I want to
do it on top, and you keep...

okay, listen. Now I'm traumatized.
Okay? I've been rejected.

Do you know what it is for a woman
to be rejected while she's having sex?

No, no. It's over. You know
what? I'll probably never eat again.

I'm probably bulimic
or anorexic. No... no...

no, no, no...
leave me alone.

Honey, come on. We haven't
made love the entire trip.

Well, yeah!
Who wasn't in the mood?

I was on the bowl
the whole time.

Did you want to mount me while I was shitting
my guts out? No, don't say it anymore.

I can't hear you say
the word "shitting" anymore.

I'm too tired to fight.
Can we do it tomorrow?

Thank you.
I'm gonna sleep with the cat.

He's much sexier anyway.

Jeannot, there's water
everywhere!

What? What? What? Oh,
my god. What... I don't know.

They're screaming. Ow!
What? Ow! What are you doing?

Look at the carpet!
Call the fire department!

What is it?
A pipe burst.

I'll cut
the electricity.

They're on their way.

They told me to turn off the
water. Where's the main inlet?

I've no idea!
Go ask Mrs. Schindling.

She knows?
Yes!

There's a water pipe
that broke downstairs.

They're on their way.

Uh, who?
The firemen.

Oh.

God.
I have a hangover.

I'm gonna help. Okay.

Mom, do you need help?
Shit!

Okay.

Sorry, we're firemen,
not plumbers.

Shit, shit!

Sorry about my mom.

You live upstairs?

- Yes, upstairs.
- But I live in New York.

They have awesome
fire trucks.

Fucking shit!

Those are great sweaters.
Can you buy them anywhere?

It's our uniform,
given to us.

I think you can find them
on the Internet now.

Ah, ou oh.

- It's nice wool.
- Touch it.

It's great wool.
No, it's okay.

Yeah, go on!

How is this?
Not bad, huh?

Good quality.

Scottish wool.

What are they still
doing here?

Help me
instead of flirting!

We'd better go.
Thanks.

Next time we'll call a plumber,
not the firemen. Thanks.

- Have a nice day.
- You too. Good-bye.

Oh, hey, guys. How you
doing? Jack. Enchanté.

- Salut.
- Jack. How you doing?

Um, can I touch
too? Your... hmm?

Muscles?

No? Okay. All right.
Okay. Good.

Ooh!

- Wait. Oh... oh. Oh.
- All right. All right.

Eh?
All right... ooh!

Something wrong
with that guy! Nice.

It's finally under control. I'm
soaking wet. Ah, bet you are.

Coming.

Bring your American to the
market to see some real food.

I'll have a shower first.

Do you want to come?
To the market? Listen.

I have such
a terrible hangover.

- Maybe you should spend some alone time with your dad.
- No. He asked you to come.

How do I know? He's speaking French.
For all I know, he said I killed Christ.

It's one of my favorite things to do in
Paris. I want to share this with you. Please.

Yes. Yes, yes. Okay. Okay.
Okay. Thank you.

All right.

Then we'll go to brunch,
okay? Oh, I feel sick though.

Hot.

"Chaute."
huh?

"Chaud". Yes, it's
hot. Chaud. Chaud.

Chaud. Chaud.
Shout.

Shout. Chaud, chaud.

Uh, did you like
visiting Paris?

Oh... yes, yes.
Very nice, very nice.

Hmm?

Uh, uh... do you like Jim
Morrison? Not really, no.

So why did he go to see
his grave? It's a tourist thing.

What? It's a touristical
thing to do. That's all.

Does he know?

No, I haven't told him.
I'm a tourist.

I'll take this opportunity
to tell you.

The next time you
go on vacation... um...

leave your cat somewhere
else. What do you mean?

What's the problem?
Honey... hello?

Every day at 5:00 A.M.
he wants to get in the bathroom.

I told you
he likes running water.

What is it?
He just keyed the car.

That cat is low maintenance.
Worse than a kid.

Are you going to have one?
Don't bug me. What is it, sweetie?

Look how this one's parked. He
keyed that car. He's doing it again!

He's keying the car.
It's parked on the sidewalk.

What is that, like a French ticket?
You can just...

no. He keys... is it legal
here to key the car...

no, he keys cars parked on
the sidewalk. It's his thing, okay?

Honey...
look at that one!

What? Oh, no, no. No,
he's gonna key that one.

Well, honey, stop the man. What do
you mean stop the man? I can't stop him.

Well, let's... then let's run
or something. Dad, stop it.

Come on. Do it at
night if you have to.

You're making Jack
uncomfortable. He doesn't like it.

Can we pick up the
pace a little bit? Car bad.

Car bad. Car bad.
Yeah. Yeah. Well...

he doesn't like cars.
Apparently. No, he's a...

pollution.
Huh?

Pollution. Pollu... pollution, yeah.
Well, you should run for office.

Cornflowers.

Yes, cornflowers.
I'll come back for them later.

I won't pay you with my body
today. My daughter's with me.

No sleep. No sleep.
Okay.

Went to a party.
Soiree. No sleep?

Soiree, and...
sleep?

Oh, we didn't... no
sleep. No sleep?

No... "sleep" not "slip". He
doesn't sleep in a nightie.

Ooh, la, la.
Oh, Jack...

oh, god! Oh, my god.
Pig.

He was suckling last night.

Oh, my god.
That's so disturbing.

Okay. I'm sorry... look
what the French did to babe.

Oh, it's so sad.

Jack, look, look, look.
Uh... uh-huh.

What's that tongue?
Calf.

Uh, tongue.
Oh, oh.

Tongue of veal. The
tongue of... look... look at this.

Yeah... no, I see it. I
see it, yeah. Oh, my god.

All right, um...
oh. The...

hmm?

Oh! Baby lamb. Baby lamb.

That's sweet, the way he
personifies the skinned baby animal.

Uh, I don't...
I'm not doing so well.

Really? Yeah. I feel like
I might have to go back,

uh, to the apartment.
Where? Oh, okay.

You're feeling a little sick. Okay.
I'm sorry. I stayed up till 4:00...

Watching m, and, you know,
I'm starting to get paranoid...

all the people
and the skinned animals.

I feel like I'm gonna
get lynched, you know?

I'm sick.

He has a bit of a cold.

A hangover?

Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. But I
love this place very much. D'accord.

I love it so much.
Okay. Okay.

Okay. All right. Okay. You
take care. Okay. All right.

You feel better.
Yeah.

You got the keys, booby,
right? Yeah, yeah... bye-bye.

Au revoir.

He's sick?
Just a cold.

Let's go
to the organic vegetables stall.

"1 new message"

You don't tell your mother
about this, okay?

I shouldn't do this.

"You make me as hard as wood!
Mathieu"

Hello, madam.

Sorry, I thought
you were at the market.

Oh, they're... they're still at the market.
I just came back to take a shower.

I washed your shirts.
You don't mind?

Thanks very much.

That's so nice of you.
Very nice. Very nice.

Jeannot, uh, very angry
with me.

Mad at me because
of Jim Morrison.

He-he doesn't like the doors?

Because of me with Jim,
uh, uh...

yes.

You...
oui.

You and ]... oh.

I had a short affair
with him.

In, uh, '69.

Many people, uh, were
very happy with their body.

No aids, no death.

Sex fun.
Everyone with everyone.

Oh.
The mother's a slut too.

Oh, I see. Uh...

no, that's... that's a beautiful
story. It's very beautiful.

And do you know
after the...

abortion movement.

- For women.
- Oh! Uh, women's lib. Yeah.

The 343 bitches movement.
I was one. Do you know that?

I was one of the bitches!
Oh, you were... oh, I see. Yeah.

Can you, uh, pass me the
cat, please? Oh. Jean-Luc?

Oh. He's... I think
he's... Jean-Luc?

Ah, he's here. Oh,
okay. Yeah. Au revoir.

Bye-bye. Au revoir.
Au revoir. Merci.

You... you got the door?

Unbelievable.

Lovely flowers, miss.

Stop hitting on every girl,
dad, please.

Hitting on them?
Anything that moves.

I only hit on pretty girls.

"You loved it, you hussy
having me lick your pussy..."

"I'm your salami for life"

What music would you like?
What do you have?

Brel, ferré, trenet...
Barbara.

Whatever you prefer.
I'll put something on for you.

- D'accord.

It's music day today.

It's like people playing around.
They play music everywhere.

Oh.
It's a special day.

We should walk around, no?

Mm.
Grizzly.

Mmm!

You brought your camera.

Yeah, I might take
a few photos.

♪ And tons of cake servers

♪ a 10-speed blender

♪ just for your vinaigrettes

♪ a beautiful air-purifier

♪ that eats all smells

♪ heated blankets
waffle irons ♪

♪ an airplane for two

♪ and we'll be happy ♪

what are you gonna eat?
I'm not really that hungry.

You don't want to
eat anything? No.

You sure?
Mm-hmm.

- Hi.
- Salut.

Still writing
for that right-wing rag?

- What?
- Nothing. I'm just saying hello.

Do you know these guys?
Just a little bit.

Okay, Edouard?

At least you're faithful
to your friends.

Shall we go?

Have you decided?

- Could I just get a bowl of ground glass?
- Pardon?

A beer, please.

An omelet.

Merci.

How was your trip
to the Philippines?

- Uh, I'm Jack.
- Gaël.

- Jack.
- Edouard.

Enchanté. See, that's
how we do it in America.

- One second.
- Okay.

The trip you dumped me for,
to be "free".

Let's go.

Expats never get over
those exotic countries.

It's like former colonials.

Life's so good there.
The women are...

So gentle, so young.

- Finished?
- It speaks!

You've grown some balls.
Interesting.

You couldn't handle me
dumping you.

What I couldn't handle
was something else!

But I better not say.

- Sh-should I leave?
- I'm sorry, sweetie. It's gonna be fine.

Why don't you just tell me
what's going on as a courtesy?

No? Nothing. Okay.
This is fun.

You're not that dull.
I found that out later on.

You weren't my type,
period.

- Wanna know what his type is?
- Shut up!

Okay. Okay.

No, I'm not his type. He worked
for an N.G.O. in Thailand...

And screwed 12-year-olds.

A 30-year-old is less sexy
than a "woman" of 12!

You're crazy.
It's all in your head.

Oh, yes, I forgot.
He explained to me.

We judge it with our
western minds. We shouldn't.

It's different over there.

It's normal for women
and children to be prostitutes.

It's their culture. You shouldn't
feel guilty about screwing them.

It's true. You pretend to help the third
world but screw them like everyone else.

Just because I ditched you! All I
wanted was a chick who can shut up.

A 12-year-old
knows how to do that.

But I don't!

Edouard, he screwed the
love of your life on vacation.

Oh...

oh, darn it!

He didn't...
you never told him?

Oh, I'm sorry, really.

Shut up, cunt!

What are you... what's
going on? It's okay.

What are you doing? What
are you doing? I'm fine. I'm fine.

What are you doing?
I'm fine.

She's insane!

I'm calm now.

I'm okay, sweetie.
I'm okay. I'm totally cool.

Everything's in control.

That's enough!

We didn't break anything.
Go on, get outta here!

Thank you.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.

This shows France
in a great light!

Tourists!

What? What the hell
is wrong with you?

Okay, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.

Honestly. I mean, you're
like a crazy person.

Don't say that!
No, you had crazy eyes.

I mean, what are you...
are you Mike Tyson?

You're Mike Tyson!
I'm not Mike Tyson!

I'm dating Mike Tyson!
No, you're not!

It was a guy I dated that
did something so horrible...

no, no. Listen to me.
It's so horrible. What?

It was not like a regular thing.
What? When? When? When?

Seven... seven...
seven years ago.

Seven years ago? And you're
still this pissed? Oh, man.

But he did something despicable.
He represents everything I hate.

He's, like, part of this little bourgeoisie,
and he did something that is so wrong...

oh, here we go. Right.
Okay. That is so, like...

lying and doing terrible
things. All right. Mm-hmm.

I don't care, I don't care,
I don't care!

Like part of this post-colonial
bullshit. I don't care. I don't care.

It doesn't warrant
that kind of behavior, okay?

You have an impulse control
disorder, and you need to be medicated.

That's the problem here.

I was... I was in control.

I was just...

I was...

okay, I was angry. I was angry.
But I'll never get angry again.

I lost my temper because
he did something so wrong.

He had sex with children.

You know how to pick 'em, honey.

I think it was wrong
to throw us out like this.

You think it was wrong
to throw us out?

We're lucky we don't get shot,
the two of us. I mean, honestly.

Well, they don't
shoot people in France.

That's bullshit.
That's another fallacy.

But anyway, um, so...

so that was another ex?

Yeah. All right. No
big deal. I mean, right?

Run into a couple of exes.
That's not a big deal, right?

Yeah. Why would it be a big
deal? Is an affair a big deal?

Is that a big deal to you?
Yes. Of course.

Okay.
What?

So, is the affair with
this guy a big deal? Who?

With mathieu.

What?
Mm-hmm.

Uh... I left my phone
in Paris. You know?

That's why I picked it up when we came
from New York to drop the cat. Right?

Uh-huh.
So... so I left it...

my mom gave it to my sister,
and she had an affair with him.

So he left... he left it for my sister...
the messages. Right. Right, right.

Okay. Not bad.
Not bad. Not bad.

Um, try this one, though,
with just slightly more feeling.

I'm not quite sure I bought
that one. I mean, honestly.

Do you think I'm an... you must think
I'm the stupidest person on the planet.

You expect me to believe we're a victim
of some sort of little French farce here?

You know?
I mean, come on!

And your poor little sister you're
gonna turn into a scapegoat?

Honey, that girl's got
enough problems, you know?

I mean, she's busy turning dozens
of children into serial killers right now.

She's very busy. Okay,
you're right. You're right.

I did have a thing
with mathieu...

Two years ago,
but it was nothing serious.

It was before I met you,
so it doesn't count, okay?

It doesn't mean anything. You know what?
You know what I'm starting to believe?

I'm starting to believe there is a small world
theory... that it just applies to your sex life.

Okay? And it wasn't
two years ago, honey.

I don't know what the fuck
these things say, all right?

But I know that they were in
January, okay, and that they're horrible.

- Monsieur, monsieur...
- no!

What means "lick pussy"?

No!
Huh?

You sicko!

See? They were bad.
They were bad.

Why are you doing this? I
didn't lie. He didn't like them.

You know, he kept on sending me
messages even after... it was nothing.

And he keeps sending message...
I mean, it's actually funny.

Some of them are really funny. Let
me translate the humor to you. It's funny.

It's not like serious sex messages.
So you lie. I mean, you lie.

I don't lie!
I was protecting you!

I didn't want to hurt
your feelings.

All right! I lied!

I lied just on that.
But please trust me.

I didn't do anything bad. I
didn't do anything bad. How do...

I didn't cheat on you! I
mean, but how do I know?

How can I even believe you anymore?
And how do I know what's bad anyway to you?

In France, apparently... I mean, like, maybe
having a little anal sex on the side...

Is, like, you know, going
fishing or playing a little scrabble.

Okay. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry. Trust me.

The messages mean nothing
to me. It's just messages.

I didn't do anything bad.
Please. We're in Paris.

Oh, no, no, we're not. No, we're
not. We're not in Paris. We're in hell!

Say it.
Say what?

- Say I'm a whore.
- I'm a whore.

I'm a whore.
I'm a whore.

No, I'm a whore. Just
say it! No, I'm a whore!

Why, you don't want to say it? You want
to stay the friendly John Wayne guy, right?

John Wayne? What?

You want to be the good
guy always? I'm the Indian!

Yes! That's me! Well, let
me break the news to you!

It's not your cock that's
too big for French condoms.

It's your ego that's too
big for French condoms.

And... and Italian
condoms too.

Not bad.

Why did I say that?
I'm so stupid.

Bonjour.
Bonjour.

Okey dokey. Uh, can I get
a, uh, double cheeseburger,

a, uh, mm, large fries
and a Pepsi?

Sir, I don't speak English.

Uh, no English.
No.

All right. Um, a, uh, uh...
moo! Moo!

Right. Double. Deux.
You know?

And then, uh, uh,
large fries and a Pepsi,

'cause Pepsi's gotta be
the same in every language.

Sir, there's the salad menu,
the veggie menu and the double.

Just choose one of them.
It's simple.

Oh, hey, this thing.
This. This. ça?

I mean, I don't want to eat the
paper, but the food on the paper.

Food on the paper, yeah.

Merci.

That'll be 5 Euros 30.
Ah. Yes.

Here we go. Some
European money. Merci.

Were you pissed about the franc? That
thing must have kind of upset you, huh?

Terrific. Thank you. I, uh... I
hate Paris. Thank you. Good-bye.

Au revoir.

Hi, mathieu, it's Marion.

Hi.
Hi.

Can I sit with you?

Uh, okay.

This fast food chain has half the
animals still alive when they're skinned.

Everything you're eating
is genetically modified.

Your bun has moths in it.

The bun has moths?
Mm.

I see.

Are you having a hard time
here language-wise?

The language, the food.
Uh, no. I'm fine. I'm fine.

You seem a bit stressed out.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, well, I just found out
my girlfriend's a slut, so...

what do you mean? She has sex
with many men... Over and over...

Long periods of time.

For money, probably.
'Cause she can't get enough.

Yeah. Good stuff, huh?

Yeah.
Yeah.

It's weird that you called. I
just took it out of my workshop...

And I'm just finishing it off.

And there it is!

But... what is it?
Who is it? It's you.

Not bad, eh?

It's beautiful.
Your style's really developed.

Yeah, you're right.

Thank you.
No, thank you.

It's you. It's incredible.

I don't know. Maybe I'm the asshole.
Maybe I drove her to this, you know?

All these accusations, you know... eventually
they lead to something that's, uh...

maybe I don't want to expose myself to her
completely, really be honest with her...

Because I'm afraid of
hearing what she has to say...

About her own past and
that kind of thing. Sure.

And either way, there's not a true exchange.
You know, there's not real honesty.

It sounds stupid, but I've never even admitted
to anybody that I've, you know, masturbated.

You know what I mean?

I see what you're saying.

But, man, love is
everything we have. Mm.

See, the world around us
has gone to shit,

and all we have left is
each other. Mm-hmm.

Right.

You know I'm a fairy.

Oh... yeah... well, I...

no, no. Like a real fairy.
Oh, a real...

yeah.
Uh-huh.

You need to go back to her.
She's not a slut.

Maybe you need to be
more careful with her...

meaning full of care,
care more.

At the very end of your life,
you'll look back.

What will you think of? Of the job you got
or didn't get or the money you made? No.

You will think mostly for people you loved,
and especially of the one woman you loved.

And even better...
she'll be right there...

Holding your hand.
Mm... mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

I'll be right back.
Okay.

Mm-hmm.

- You're gonna have to run.
- Run back to her?

No, no. Just run. When
the alarm goes off, you run.

It's a delayed fire. No one
ever gets hurt. Excuse me?

Here's my number if you
need any help. I'm Lukas. Jack.

The restroom's full of smoke.
Someone locked the door.

♪ Don't be shy you should
still come outside tonight ♪

I'll explain about the messages.

What will you tell him?

That it was a joke,
that I don't give a shit...

And that I obviously
don't love you.

Nobody wants me.
I can't take it anymore!

That's not tr...

come on out of there.

What are you doing?
Don't break or dirty anything.

I'll call your sister.

Fuck this. This is stupid.
All right.

I ran into Iraq.

Oh... hey... okay...
pardon.

Outta my way, jerk!
Thanks.

My bag, my bag!

It's him! What? What?
What? What? What is it?

My bag! Thief! Thief! What?
What? What? No, no. American.

No, I don't. I speak
English. English.

Oh, the guy? The guy? He went over
there. American, my ass! Filthy Arab!

Shh!
My bag!

No, no! Just calm down.
Relax! No, no, no, no. Police!

No, no, no.
Ah!

No! No, no...
comedy of errors. No.

The doppelgänger!
The doppelgänger!

Oh! I'm an interior designer,
for fuck's sake! Marion!

Marion,
just come out, okay?

Mathieu doesn't want to touch
me. I repulse men! I'm a fat tuna!

What's all this?

No, I tried to kiss her, but she
keeps sobbing. It's impossible.

Of course. She's in love with
her boyfriend. No psychology.

Marion, what got into you,
wanting to screw this idiot?

I'll leave you to it.

Sorry, sir, we made a mistake.
We're really sorry.

Yeah. You guys have
been terrific. Thank you.

Are you sure it's not
him? Yes, we're sure.

I don't know what you're saying, but
you have a wonderful singing voice.

A cup of tea.

Sorry about your soap holder.
I'm sorry too.

What did you do?

I dropped it by accident.
You broke it?

The poor guy. You show
up... I'm horrible. I know.

The old fill-in guy.

We get all wound up with jealousy
and shit, and we've got everything.

We're shallow with
bourgeois problems, as mom says.

And there are people
dying in wars.

Marion, don't start again.

The other day I read this
article that said... what?

We use more toilet paper than
men because we wipe when we pee.

Each time I wipe now
I think about it.

About what?
All that we destroy.

Non, non, non.

I love you, sister. You're
a pain, but I adore you.

Is it your little bunny?
No, it's you.

I'm talking to you.

Thank you, sister.
You're so dumb!

I'd better go.

And see your guy?
I don't know.

Hi.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I don't know you.

What are you talking about?
Are you drunk?

I'm sitting at this
fast-food restaurant,

and I'm holding hands with this fairy right
before he sets the place on fire, you know?

A fairy? Oh, not
like... not a gay person.

You know, like from heaven. You
know? Or a schizophrenic vegan.

Uh-huh. Maybe.
He hated fast food.

I realized something
so basic.

I mean, so basic.
Mm-hmm.

I don't know you.

You don't know me?
No.

To sum up the four hours
of discussion that followed,

it's not easy
being in a relationship,

much less to truly know
the other one and accept them...

As they are, with all
their flaws and baggage.

Marion.
You shaved an "m"?

Jack confessed to me
his fear of being rejected...

If I truly knew him; If he
showed himself totally bare to me.

Jack realized after two years of being
with me that he didn't know me at all,

nor did I know him.

And to truly love each other, we
needed to know the truth about each other,

even if it's not
so easy to take.

So I told him the truth, which
was I'd never cheated on him.

And I also told him that I had
just seen mathieu that afternoon.

He did not get mad at me, because
nothing had happened, of course.

I confessed to Jack that
the toughest thing for me...

Was to decide
to be with someone for good.

Okay. I understand that
completely. The idea that this is it,

this is the man I'm going to
spend the rest of my life with,

to decide that I will make the
effort to stay and work things out...

And not run off the minute there
is a problem, is very difficult for me.

I told him I could not be for just
one man for the rest of my life.

It was a lie,
but I said it anyway.

He asked me
if I thought I was a squirrel,

collecting men like nuts
to put away for cold winters.

I thought it was quite funny.

Then he said something
that hurt my feelings.

The tone changed drastically.

Then I misunderstood
what he was saying.

I thought he meant
he didn't love me anymore,

and that he wanted to break
up. You want to break up with me?

It always fascinates me
how people go...

From loving you madly
to nothing at all.

Nothing.

It hurts so much.

When I feel someone is going to leave
me, I have a tendency to break up first...

Before I get to hear
the whole thing.

Here it is.
One more, one less.

Another wasted love story.

I really loved this one.

When I think that it's over, that
I'll never see him again like this...

well, yes, I'll bump into him. We'll
meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend,

act as if we had never
been together.

Then we'll slowly think
of each other less and less...

Until we forget each other
completely.

Almost.

- Break up, break down.
- Drink up, fool around.

Meet one guy, then another. Fuck
around to forget the one and only.

Then after a few months of total emptiness,
start again to look for true love.

Desperately look everywhere,
and after two years of loneliness,

meet a new love
and swear it is the one...

until that one
is gone as well.

There's a moment in life...

Where you can't recover anymore
from another breakup.

And even if this person
bugs you 60% of the time...

well, you still
can't live without him.

And even if he wakes you up every
day by sneezing right in your face,

well, you love his sneezes
more than anyone else's kisses.

♪ Now I'm so much better

♪ and if my words
don't come together ♪

♪ listen to the melody

♪ 'cause my love is there
hiding ♪

♪ I love you in a place

♪ where there's
no space or time ♪

♪ I love you
for my life, baby ♪

♪ 'cause you're
a friend of mine ♪

♪ and when my life
will be over ♪

♪ I wanna dance
like we used to ♪

♪ when it was pure
when it was new ♪

♪ love me whole
like I love you ♪

♪ I wanna be freed
but free with you ♪

♪ I wanna dance
like we used to ♪

♪ and not worry
about you and me ♪

♪ we're gonna die
of global warming ♪

♪ or avian flu
or quitting smoking ♪

♪ I want to stay for a while

♪ until it's time

♪ to let go

♪ I'd like to really
take my time ♪

♪ explore all
that comes to mind ♪

♪ I'd like to dance
like we used to ♪

♪ before the new world order
rules ♪

♪ don't wanna do
what others do ♪

♪ let's pretend
there's no rules ♪

♪ I wanna dance
like we used to ♪

♪ we're so lucky
and so spoiled ♪

♪ you and I have such
futile jobs ♪

♪ let's stop acting
like kings and queens ♪

♪ I want to stay for a while

♪ until it's time

♪ to let go

♪ I'd like to really
take my time ♪

♪ explore all
that comes to mind ♪

♪ lalalala
lalala, lalala ♪

♪ lalalala
lalala, lalala ♪

♪ lalalala
lalala, lalala ♪

♪ lalalala
lalala, lalala ♪

♪ la, lalala

♪ lalala, lalala

♪ la, lalala

♪ lalala, lalala

♪ la, lalala

♪ lalala, lalala ♪