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♪ upbeat music ♪
2
00:00:03,948 --> 00:00:05,349
♪♪♪♪♪
3
00:00:05,429 --> 00:00:07,432
♪ It's Showtime tonight ♪
4
00:00:07,952 --> 00:00:09,354
[Blair] Previously on
"Black Monday"...
5
00:00:09,434 --> 00:00:10,475
Roger!
6
00:00:10,555 --> 00:00:13,438
♪ dramatic music ♪
7
00:00:13,518 --> 00:00:15,160
♪♪♪♪♪
8
00:00:15,240 --> 00:00:17,002
So you're really
going all in, huh?
9
00:00:17,082 --> 00:00:18,764
Bought the ring,
closed on the house.
10
00:00:18,844 --> 00:00:20,967
So I hear you're having
a little cash flow problem.
11
00:00:21,047 --> 00:00:22,568
What would you say
if you could fix it
12
00:00:22,648 --> 00:00:24,691
by working with Blair's most
hated rivals in the process?
13
00:00:24,771 --> 00:00:26,613
You gotta sell your soul.
14
00:00:26,693 --> 00:00:28,895
[Lare] If Pfaffashions
goes public without a hitch,
15
00:00:28,975 --> 00:00:31,258
KokoMo Co Records stays yours.
16
00:00:31,338 --> 00:00:32,299
To you gettin' out
of the clink.
17
00:00:32,379 --> 00:00:34,141
[both laugh]
18
00:00:34,221 --> 00:00:36,664
Mo! You came!
19
00:00:36,744 --> 00:00:37,985
There's something
I've been dying to ask you.
20
00:00:38,065 --> 00:00:39,467
-[Dawn] Can it wait?
-Hmm? What?
21
00:00:39,547 --> 00:00:40,548
We've done enough talking.
22
00:00:40,628 --> 00:00:42,630
Get your ass in here.
23
00:00:45,113 --> 00:00:46,795
♪ Janet Jackson's "Control" ♪
24
00:00:46,875 --> 00:00:50,119
This is a story about control.
25
00:00:50,199 --> 00:00:52,521
My control.
26
00:00:52,601 --> 00:00:54,483
Control of what I say.
27
00:00:54,563 --> 00:00:57,687
Control of what I do.
28
00:00:57,767 --> 00:01:00,330
And this time,
I'm gonna do it my way.
29
00:01:00,410 --> 00:01:03,293
♪ ethereal synth music ♪
30
00:01:03,373 --> 00:01:05,656
♪♪♪♪♪
31
00:01:05,736 --> 00:01:09,460
I hope you enjoy this
as much as I do.
32
00:01:09,540 --> 00:01:11,582
Are we ready?
33
00:01:11,662 --> 00:01:13,384
I am.
34
00:01:13,464 --> 00:01:16,628
'Cause it's all about control.
35
00:01:16,708 --> 00:01:20,192
And I've got lots of it.
36
00:01:20,272 --> 00:01:22,754
♪ upbeat synth music ♪
37
00:01:22,834 --> 00:01:24,797
What the fuck?
38
00:01:24,877 --> 00:01:26,078
Guys, gather 'round.
39
00:01:26,158 --> 00:01:27,480
Quick! Quick! Quick!
40
00:01:27,560 --> 00:01:29,081
The only thing I ever
wanna see you eating
41
00:01:29,161 --> 00:01:30,163
is me out.
42
00:01:30,243 --> 00:01:31,804
Did you hear that, Jonathan?
43
00:01:31,884 --> 00:01:33,606
Is this a joke?
44
00:01:33,686 --> 00:01:35,649
A moment on the lips,
45
00:01:35,729 --> 00:01:37,451
a lifetime on the hips.
46
00:01:37,531 --> 00:01:38,572
You look like shit.
47
00:01:38,652 --> 00:01:40,374
Ladies, perfect.
48
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Gentlemen,
you could take a cue.
49
00:01:42,897 --> 00:01:45,059
Eyes down here.
50
00:01:45,139 --> 00:01:47,181
We have Topless Tuesdays
coming up...
51
00:01:48,863 --> 00:01:50,945
...and you're not ready.
52
00:01:51,025 --> 00:01:52,787
Mmm--ugh.
53
00:01:52,867 --> 00:01:54,229
This caviar tastes like dick.
54
00:01:54,309 --> 00:01:55,390
-Speaking of--
-Hey, Tiff.
55
00:01:55,470 --> 00:01:56,471
I don't know
how to say this, but--
56
00:01:56,552 --> 00:01:58,313
Sound it out, dummy.
57
00:01:58,394 --> 00:02:00,956
[both laughing]
58
00:02:01,036 --> 00:02:03,479
Sound...it...
59
00:02:03,559 --> 00:02:06,803
[both]
...out!
60
00:02:06,883 --> 00:02:08,885
[music stops]
61
00:02:13,610 --> 00:02:15,372
What the hell
are you doing here, Keith?
62
00:02:15,452 --> 00:02:17,455
Oh, me?
63
00:02:18,656 --> 00:02:21,779
What am I...doing here?
[chuckles]
64
00:02:21,859 --> 00:02:24,422
What am I doing here?
65
00:02:24,983 --> 00:02:29,308
What am I doing...
66
00:02:29,388 --> 00:02:30,909
here?
67
00:02:30,989 --> 00:02:31,830
-That's what we--
-That's what we asked.
68
00:02:31,910 --> 00:02:33,072
What are you doing here?
69
00:02:33,152 --> 00:02:35,594
It's simple. I'm here...
70
00:02:35,675 --> 00:02:38,237
to clean this fucking place up!
71
00:02:38,317 --> 00:02:40,760
[people gasping]
72
00:02:40,840 --> 00:02:43,163
Which I realize is confusing
73
00:02:43,243 --> 00:02:44,805
-based on the mess I just made.
-[scoffs]
74
00:02:44,885 --> 00:02:49,289
Point is, old Keithy
is finally in charge now,
75
00:02:49,370 --> 00:02:52,974
and it's about goddamn time.
76
00:02:53,054 --> 00:02:54,135
Seriously, Tiff,
I really need--
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00:02:54,215 --> 00:02:56,698
Shut the fuck up, pretty boy.
78
00:02:56,778 --> 00:03:00,662
Pfaffashions goes public
in 12 weeks!
79
00:03:00,742 --> 00:03:03,105
It's my job to make this
80
00:03:03,185 --> 00:03:07,029
the hottest piece of ass...
81
00:03:07,109 --> 00:03:08,350
I have ever seen,
82
00:03:08,431 --> 00:03:10,753
that Wall street
has ever seen,
83
00:03:10,833 --> 00:03:11,834
financially speaking,
84
00:03:11,914 --> 00:03:14,557
so I'm here to trim the fat.
85
00:03:14,637 --> 00:03:16,159
You're a little late for that
86
00:03:16,239 --> 00:03:17,841
'cause we just had
that conversation.
87
00:03:17,921 --> 00:03:19,483
Thanks, but no thanks.
88
00:03:19,563 --> 00:03:21,325
We keep it pretty tight
around here--most of us.
89
00:03:21,405 --> 00:03:22,646
Oh, you're keeping it tight?
90
00:03:22,726 --> 00:03:25,609
With your Dom and your caviar.
91
00:03:25,689 --> 00:03:27,812
You don't know what tight is.
92
00:03:27,892 --> 00:03:31,576
I am gonna show you...
93
00:03:31,656 --> 00:03:34,099
the tightest thing
you have ever...
94
00:03:34,179 --> 00:03:35,941
-What's happening?
-...experienced in your life.
95
00:03:36,021 --> 00:03:38,383
Okay, all that to say
96
00:03:38,464 --> 00:03:43,069
we are not gonna waste
another single cent
97
00:03:43,149 --> 00:03:45,591
on fuckin' big...
98
00:03:45,671 --> 00:03:48,515
buffets...
99
00:03:48,595 --> 00:03:52,719
and that smoking-hot...
100
00:03:52,799 --> 00:03:55,402
chafing dishes, okay?
101
00:03:55,482 --> 00:03:57,565
The fuck are you talking about?
102
00:03:57,645 --> 00:03:58,646
I don't know, okay?
103
00:03:58,726 --> 00:04:00,007
Look, I practiced this at home
104
00:04:00,087 --> 00:04:01,088
last night
in front of the mirror.
105
00:04:01,168 --> 00:04:02,410
I did not expect
to be surrounded
106
00:04:02,490 --> 00:04:04,132
by a bunch of fucking
Playgirl Buddies.
107
00:04:04,212 --> 00:04:05,053
Guys, you gotta listen--
108
00:04:05,133 --> 00:04:07,335
-Shh!
-Zip.
109
00:04:07,415 --> 00:04:09,017
Tiff, you said the IPO was
gonna be a great thing for us.
110
00:04:09,097 --> 00:04:10,739
I know, and it is.
111
00:04:10,819 --> 00:04:13,542
-Let me handle this, Corkie.
-Okay. I'm getting worried.
112
00:04:13,622 --> 00:04:16,225
-Listen here, Queef.
-[Corkie laughs]
113
00:04:16,305 --> 00:04:19,228
This is our business,
and you're not the boss.
114
00:04:19,308 --> 00:04:21,511
-Au contraire. I am the boss.
-[scoffs]
115
00:04:21,591 --> 00:04:23,073
Why don't you peruse
that contract
116
00:04:23,153 --> 00:04:24,114
you signed
with Leighman Brothers
117
00:04:24,194 --> 00:04:25,715
when you decided to go public?
118
00:04:25,796 --> 00:04:28,478
'Cause it's gonna tell you,
you answer to me.
119
00:04:28,559 --> 00:04:30,401
-What?
-Look, Tiff, you gotta listen--
120
00:04:30,481 --> 00:04:32,002
[both]
What is it, Giancarlo?
121
00:04:32,082 --> 00:04:34,045
Blair's been shot,
and he's in a coma!
122
00:04:34,125 --> 00:04:36,687
-[Tiff gasps]
-I--oh, God.
123
00:04:38,690 --> 00:04:41,573
Huh. Was not expecting that.
124
00:04:45,217 --> 00:04:47,299
I have to go
to the hospital right now.
125
00:04:47,379 --> 00:04:49,462
And as much as I wanna continue
126
00:04:49,542 --> 00:04:51,744
this really important
conversation,
127
00:04:51,824 --> 00:04:53,506
I have to get
by Blair's bedside.
128
00:04:53,586 --> 00:04:55,308
Of course. Go.
129
00:04:55,388 --> 00:04:58,552
It's times like these...[sobs]
130
00:04:58,632 --> 00:05:02,115
...that make you realize, like,
how unimportant
131
00:05:02,196 --> 00:05:05,399
things like money
or saving money really are.
132
00:05:05,479 --> 00:05:06,720
Mmm.
133
00:05:06,801 --> 00:05:08,723
Fuck you, God! [sobs]
134
00:05:08,803 --> 00:05:10,405
I don't know
when I'm coming back!
135
00:05:10,485 --> 00:05:12,487
Blair!
136
00:05:14,889 --> 00:05:17,733
♪ warm sentimental music ♪
137
00:05:17,813 --> 00:05:22,658
♪♪♪♪♪
138
00:05:36,313 --> 00:05:38,315
Dawny.
139
00:05:39,677 --> 00:05:41,679
Dawn, Dawn, Dawn, Dawn.
140
00:05:42,039 --> 00:05:43,521
Dawn-Dawn.
141
00:05:43,601 --> 00:05:45,003
-Dawn-Dawn Dawn-Dawn-Dawn-Dawn.
-[groans]
142
00:05:45,083 --> 00:05:46,284
God damn.
143
00:05:46,364 --> 00:05:48,847
[sighs, snores]
144
00:05:48,927 --> 00:05:50,729
Talk about crust issues.
145
00:05:50,809 --> 00:05:53,091
[Dawn snoring]
146
00:05:53,172 --> 00:05:55,694
That side. What is that?
147
00:05:58,938 --> 00:06:01,060
All right, let's get that.
148
00:06:01,140 --> 00:06:04,544
You looking nice
for the moment coming.
149
00:06:07,187 --> 00:06:08,989
-Yo, what's up?!
-Okay--shit!
150
00:06:09,069 --> 00:06:10,511
Calm down! What the fuck?
151
00:06:10,591 --> 00:06:13,033
-It's Mo. It's Mo.
-Oh...
152
00:06:13,113 --> 00:06:15,316
-Don't run up on me like that.
-All right.
153
00:06:15,396 --> 00:06:17,118
My cellmate used to Jill off
to me at night.
154
00:06:17,198 --> 00:06:18,880
[Mo]
"Jill off"?
155
00:06:18,960 --> 00:06:20,361
That's a weird term.
156
00:06:20,442 --> 00:06:22,404
So that's like jacking off
for a girl?
157
00:06:22,484 --> 00:06:24,246
-Yeah.
-Mm-hmm.
158
00:06:24,326 --> 00:06:26,969
[person over PA]
Portable X-ray, ER bay one.
159
00:06:27,049 --> 00:06:29,011
Portable X-ray, ER bay one.
160
00:06:29,091 --> 00:06:31,974
[monitor beeping]
161
00:06:33,216 --> 00:06:35,218
[Harris]
Blair.
162
00:06:35,858 --> 00:06:37,861
Blair.
163
00:06:38,461 --> 00:06:40,504
Blair?
164
00:06:40,584 --> 00:06:42,586
It's Roger. Can you hear me?
165
00:06:46,991 --> 00:06:48,272
Hi, you.
166
00:06:48,352 --> 00:06:50,354
Blair, oh, my God.
167
00:06:51,476 --> 00:06:52,437
How are you?
168
00:06:52,517 --> 00:06:54,199
Not so hot.
169
00:06:54,279 --> 00:06:55,720
[chuckles]
170
00:06:55,800 --> 00:06:57,562
Unlike you.
171
00:06:57,642 --> 00:07:00,325
-You're hot.
-[chuckles]
172
00:07:00,405 --> 00:07:02,328
Yeah, it's good to see you too.
173
00:07:02,408 --> 00:07:05,331
I got shot.
174
00:07:05,411 --> 00:07:07,413
Can you believe that?
175
00:07:10,617 --> 00:07:12,739
Roger...
176
00:07:12,819 --> 00:07:15,662
I'm sorry,
I didn't mean for things
177
00:07:15,742 --> 00:07:18,345
to end the way they did.
178
00:07:19,266 --> 00:07:21,348
Where did it go so wrong?
179
00:07:21,789 --> 00:07:24,272
That's what I'm here
to help you figure out.
180
00:07:24,352 --> 00:07:27,075
Oh, I--I need that. Ow!
181
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:30,559
Um, I don't know if you are
actually qualified to make--
182
00:07:30,639 --> 00:07:32,721
there goes the catheter!
183
00:07:32,801 --> 00:07:34,883
Come on, Big B.
184
00:07:34,963 --> 00:07:36,645
[machines beeping]
185
00:07:36,725 --> 00:07:39,729
Wait, wait, wait. Am I dead?
186
00:07:39,809 --> 00:07:40,930
Not yet.
187
00:07:41,010 --> 00:07:41,971
♪ dramatic music ♪
188
00:07:42,051 --> 00:07:45,054
Oh...
189
00:07:45,135 --> 00:07:46,856
[yelling]
190
00:07:46,937 --> 00:07:48,018
[glass shatters]
191
00:07:48,098 --> 00:07:49,980
Oh...
192
00:07:50,060 --> 00:07:51,381
[screams]
193
00:07:51,462 --> 00:07:56,347
♪♪♪♪♪
194
00:07:56,427 --> 00:07:58,149
Man, I've been dreaming
of all the shit
195
00:07:58,229 --> 00:07:59,630
I was gonna get up to
my first day out.
196
00:07:59,711 --> 00:08:01,072
-Right?
-Yeah.
197
00:08:01,152 --> 00:08:02,193
-Like a horse-drawn carriage...
-[chuckles]
198
00:08:02,273 --> 00:08:04,316
...or maybe a nice picnic
in Central Park,
199
00:08:04,396 --> 00:08:05,637
or hey, let's shoot up
to the top
200
00:08:05,717 --> 00:08:06,918
of the Empire State Building,
huh?
201
00:08:06,999 --> 00:08:08,680
Look out over everything
you've been missing.
202
00:08:08,761 --> 00:08:09,962
-[Dawn laughs] Uh, no.
-[Mo] No?
203
00:08:10,042 --> 00:08:10,963
[Dawn]
I just got out of prison,
204
00:08:11,043 --> 00:08:12,084
not a plane from Arizona.
205
00:08:12,164 --> 00:08:13,646
I wanna fuckin' party!
206
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:15,368
What happened to you, Mo?
207
00:08:15,448 --> 00:08:16,809
[Mo]
Nothing happened to me, okay?
208
00:08:16,889 --> 00:08:17,931
Mo can party
with the best of them.
209
00:08:18,011 --> 00:08:19,252
I got the arrests to prove it,
210
00:08:19,332 --> 00:08:20,814
-both cardiac and otherwise.
-[Dawn laughs]
211
00:08:20,894 --> 00:08:23,256
Okay, good, so look, let's call
your coke guy, tell him
212
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:25,179
to meet us at the club
with two eight balls,
213
00:08:25,259 --> 00:08:26,820
a bib, and a diaper,
'cause tonight,
214
00:08:26,900 --> 00:08:28,702
I am gonna make you
puke and duke.
215
00:08:28,783 --> 00:08:30,184
-[both laugh]
-Classic.
216
00:08:30,264 --> 00:08:32,667
-Oh, speaking of classics...
-Hmm.
217
00:08:32,747 --> 00:08:36,030
...why don't we start off
by going by Cedar Tavern?
218
00:08:36,111 --> 00:08:38,033
For old times' sake,
you know what I mean?
219
00:08:38,113 --> 00:08:40,796
We can get a nice base going,
talk about whatever, whatever,
220
00:08:40,876 --> 00:08:42,998
and then we'll hit the club
to celebrate
221
00:08:43,078 --> 00:08:45,000
you getting out of prison.
222
00:08:45,080 --> 00:08:46,242
-Okay.
-Okay.
223
00:08:46,322 --> 00:08:49,045
-Yeah. I don't wanna be Bias'd.
-Biased?
224
00:08:49,125 --> 00:08:50,727
You mean biased
against my plan?
225
00:08:50,807 --> 00:08:52,529
No, uh, Len Bias'd.
226
00:08:52,609 --> 00:08:54,170
You know, I don't wanna
come out the gate too hard,
227
00:08:54,251 --> 00:08:55,532
-and then I might...
-Oh...my God.
228
00:08:55,612 --> 00:08:56,973
[laughs]
229
00:08:57,054 --> 00:08:58,775
You did get hard in prison,
didn't you?
230
00:08:58,856 --> 00:09:00,698
Sure enough.
Our open mic night was violent.
231
00:09:00,778 --> 00:09:02,820
-[laughing]
-Christ.
232
00:09:02,900 --> 00:09:04,862
Actually, yeah.
233
00:09:04,942 --> 00:09:06,784
Let's grab a bite first.
234
00:09:06,864 --> 00:09:07,906
But they got olives
and cherries and shit
235
00:09:07,986 --> 00:09:09,347
at Cedar Tavern.
236
00:09:09,427 --> 00:09:11,830
No, I want real food.
I'm fucking starving.
237
00:09:11,910 --> 00:09:13,952
Okay, no, this'll still work.
Tell you what.
238
00:09:14,032 --> 00:09:15,194
We'll go by
the Russian Tea Room,
239
00:09:15,274 --> 00:09:17,396
grab some to go,
then head up to the park,
240
00:09:17,476 --> 00:09:19,558
-spread a nice blanket, and--
-[Dawn] Nigga.
241
00:09:19,638 --> 00:09:20,880
What are we,
fucking teddy bears?
242
00:09:20,960 --> 00:09:22,682
Why do you keep trying
to have a picnic so bad?
243
00:09:22,762 --> 00:09:24,924
I-I just want your first meal
on the outside
244
00:09:25,004 --> 00:09:26,406
to be nice, memorable,
you know?
245
00:09:26,486 --> 00:09:27,887
Whatever. Fuck a nice meal.
246
00:09:27,968 --> 00:09:30,130
All I ate was five-star shit
in the joint.
247
00:09:30,210 --> 00:09:32,212
Jesus. But you know what?
248
00:09:33,494 --> 00:09:35,095
You know what I was craving
really bad?
249
00:09:35,175 --> 00:09:37,458
A hot dog from that cart
outside the Jammer Group.
250
00:09:37,538 --> 00:09:38,739
Come on, it's right
around the corner.
251
00:09:38,819 --> 00:09:40,061
Great. This'll still work.
252
00:09:40,141 --> 00:09:41,583
We'll grab a bottle,
a couple of dogs,
253
00:09:41,663 --> 00:09:43,144
uh, find a nice bench
somewhere.
254
00:09:43,224 --> 00:09:44,866
Like a picnic?
255
00:09:44,946 --> 00:09:46,388
Yeah, sure, like a picnic.
Let's do that.
256
00:09:46,468 --> 00:09:47,829
What the fuck don't you get?
257
00:09:47,909 --> 00:09:49,231
I'm not eating
on the goddamn ground with you.
258
00:09:49,311 --> 00:09:51,273
I said a bench!
259
00:09:51,353 --> 00:09:53,315
Since when is a bench the fu--
fuck it.
260
00:09:53,395 --> 00:09:54,637
-Jesus!
-It's gonna be a great day.
261
00:09:54,717 --> 00:09:57,080
[Dawn] Yeah, it is, if you'd
fucking let a picnic go!
262
00:09:57,160 --> 00:10:00,443
[indistinct TV chatter]
263
00:10:00,523 --> 00:10:02,445
[whispering]
What the fuck? It's my parents.
264
00:10:02,526 --> 00:10:04,608
You don't have to whisper,
Blair, they can't hear you.
265
00:10:04,688 --> 00:10:06,049
[Blair]
What is this?
266
00:10:06,129 --> 00:10:07,491
[Harris] Well, it's like
I said, I'm here to help you
267
00:10:07,571 --> 00:10:10,054
figure out
where it all went wrong.
268
00:10:10,134 --> 00:10:12,096
Oh, I get it.
269
00:10:12,176 --> 00:10:14,218
It's like Scrooge McDuck.
270
00:10:14,298 --> 00:10:16,181
Or that movie Scrooged.
271
00:10:16,261 --> 00:10:18,303
Or my favorite episode
of Family Ties.
272
00:10:18,383 --> 00:10:20,225
Or the Charles Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol,
273
00:10:20,305 --> 00:10:21,386
that those are based on.
274
00:10:21,466 --> 00:10:23,148
Ugh, we get it, you read.
275
00:10:23,228 --> 00:10:24,670
♪ soft sentimental music ♪
276
00:10:24,750 --> 00:10:27,313
God, it's so real.
277
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:29,916
I can even smell
my mom's old lasagna.
278
00:10:29,996 --> 00:10:31,237
I used to love that stuff.
279
00:10:31,317 --> 00:10:32,358
[Harris]
Have a bite.
280
00:10:32,438 --> 00:10:34,441
[Blair]
I can do that?
281
00:10:36,042 --> 00:10:39,526
Do you know what date
this is from, exactly?
282
00:10:39,606 --> 00:10:41,528
Because at a certain point,
my dad's dinners
283
00:10:41,608 --> 00:10:44,291
started having
an added ingredient
284
00:10:44,372 --> 00:10:46,093
that I'm sort of allergic to.
285
00:10:46,173 --> 00:10:48,456
The glass you shaved
into his food until he died?
286
00:10:48,536 --> 00:10:50,538
Yeah, that's it.
287
00:10:51,339 --> 00:10:53,101
For what it's worth,
he fucking deserved it.
288
00:10:53,181 --> 00:10:55,183
It doesn't matter.
You can't get hurt here.
289
00:10:55,824 --> 00:10:57,826
Well, I mean,
if he's not gonna finish it.
290
00:10:59,869 --> 00:11:02,151
[young Blair] Hey, Dad, I won
my a cappella competition!
291
00:11:02,231 --> 00:11:04,273
How about a sport?
292
00:11:04,353 --> 00:11:05,114
[shattering]
293
00:11:05,194 --> 00:11:09,439
♪♪♪♪♪
294
00:11:09,519 --> 00:11:11,281
Fuck this. I'm outta here.
295
00:11:11,361 --> 00:11:12,723
Wait, Blair, it's important
296
00:11:12,803 --> 00:11:14,164
you try to remember
how you felt.
297
00:11:14,244 --> 00:11:17,047
Yeah, I remember. Trust me.
298
00:11:17,127 --> 00:11:18,409
Too well.
299
00:11:18,489 --> 00:11:20,251
♪♪♪♪♪
300
00:11:20,331 --> 00:11:21,933
Quick question, Roger.
301
00:11:22,013 --> 00:11:24,616
I can fly anywhere in the world
right now, right?
302
00:11:24,696 --> 00:11:27,819
Like, throughout all of history
and into the future,
303
00:11:27,899 --> 00:11:30,182
and no one can see or hear me?
304
00:11:30,262 --> 00:11:32,945
And I can eat whatever I want,
and do whatever I want,
305
00:11:33,025 --> 00:11:34,827
and there's no consequences
whatsoever?
306
00:11:34,907 --> 00:11:36,829
Well, yes, technically,
but that doesn't solve--
307
00:11:36,909 --> 00:11:39,152
Okay, so let's say I wanted
to get some steak frites
308
00:11:39,232 --> 00:11:41,154
at L'Arpège in Paris
and eat it in,
309
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,996
I don't know,
John-John's shower.
310
00:11:43,076 --> 00:11:44,317
I could do that, right?
311
00:11:44,397 --> 00:11:46,039
Sure, but that defeats
the purpose of--
312
00:11:46,119 --> 00:11:48,122
Then why in the fuck
would I wanna stay here
313
00:11:48,202 --> 00:11:50,204
in my dad's house of horrors?
314
00:11:50,284 --> 00:11:51,605
I think, ideally, the point is
you learn a lesson before--
315
00:11:51,685 --> 00:11:53,327
-Bye-bye!
-Okay.
316
00:11:53,407 --> 00:11:54,609
[Blair] Whoo!
317
00:11:54,689 --> 00:11:56,771
He's always
such a little bitch.
318
00:11:56,851 --> 00:11:59,454
[Mo chuckles]
319
00:11:59,534 --> 00:12:02,658
Welcome to KokoMo Co Records.
320
00:12:02,738 --> 00:12:04,099
So what do you think, Dawn?
321
00:12:04,179 --> 00:12:06,021
Oh, wow. And it's only jazz?
322
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,663
Yeah. Yeah. All jazz.
323
00:12:07,743 --> 00:12:10,506
Hmm, sorry, but to me,
jazz always sounds
324
00:12:10,586 --> 00:12:13,109
like someone just shoved
a bunch of instruments
325
00:12:13,189 --> 00:12:14,551
-down the stairs.
-[Mo] Hmm.
326
00:12:14,631 --> 00:12:16,032
That's 'cause you have
shitty taste in music.
327
00:12:16,112 --> 00:12:17,714
Yeah. And in men.
328
00:12:17,794 --> 00:12:19,796
[Mo]
Oh, fuckin' Spencer, right?
329
00:12:19,876 --> 00:12:21,038
No, I'm telling you,
330
00:12:21,118 --> 00:12:22,599
jazz is gonna make
a big comeback,
331
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,763
and I am the guy
to find the artists to do it.
332
00:12:25,843 --> 00:12:28,005
Well, the artists
better be hot and young,
333
00:12:28,085 --> 00:12:30,408
'cause if it's not on MTV,
it's not doing shit,
334
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:32,570
which sounds a little bit
like my life right now.
335
00:12:32,650 --> 00:12:35,654
Oh. Look at my office.
336
00:12:35,734 --> 00:12:38,697
Hey, so Dawn, what--
what is your plan?
337
00:12:39,738 --> 00:12:41,420
[Dawn] I don't know.
I don't have a clue.
338
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:44,303
I mean, I spent my entire life
busting my ass to get here,
339
00:12:44,383 --> 00:12:46,386
and now, literally,
340
00:12:46,466 --> 00:12:48,588
it's illegal for me
to ever trade again.
341
00:12:49,389 --> 00:12:50,710
And I'm a felon.
342
00:12:50,790 --> 00:12:52,032
-And I'm--
-[laughs]
343
00:12:52,112 --> 00:12:54,194
A disgrace to my entire family.
344
00:12:54,274 --> 00:12:56,276
Oof. That's the trifecta.
345
00:12:56,357 --> 00:12:59,200
Yeah, so I guess I'm kind of
playing it by ear.
346
00:12:59,280 --> 00:13:01,202
[chuckles]
347
00:13:01,282 --> 00:13:03,645
But come on, Mo.
348
00:13:03,725 --> 00:13:05,086
You don't miss it at all?
349
00:13:05,166 --> 00:13:06,688
Nope.
350
00:13:06,768 --> 00:13:08,330
I'm telling you, us getting
kicked off the street
351
00:13:08,410 --> 00:13:10,252
was the best thing that ever
happened in our lives, Dawn.
352
00:13:10,332 --> 00:13:13,055
-Trust.
-Yeah, well.
353
00:13:13,135 --> 00:13:15,097
We did have some good times,
though.
354
00:13:15,177 --> 00:13:17,940
We had some great times.
Dawn, we make great partners.
355
00:13:18,020 --> 00:13:20,183
-[scoffs]
-Uh, yeah, well.
356
00:13:20,263 --> 00:13:21,825
Except we weren't partners.
357
00:13:21,905 --> 00:13:23,226
-That shit again?
-[Dawn clicks tongue]
358
00:13:23,306 --> 00:13:25,829
Listen, I wish I could go back,
okay?
359
00:13:25,909 --> 00:13:28,392
I would make you my partner.
360
00:13:28,472 --> 00:13:30,915
You were right; I was wrong.
I'm sorry.
361
00:13:32,516 --> 00:13:34,719
You know, that's all I ever
wanted to hear.
362
00:13:36,521 --> 00:13:38,162
-You really mean it?
-Yeah, I mean it.
363
00:13:38,243 --> 00:13:40,485
Dawn, I would do anything
to make it up to you.
364
00:13:40,565 --> 00:13:42,367
I would go back and change
a bunch of shit if I could
365
00:13:42,447 --> 00:13:44,329
with work and with us.
366
00:13:44,409 --> 00:13:45,731
Trying to do both
at the same time
367
00:13:45,811 --> 00:13:47,212
-just fucked 'em both up.
-I know.
368
00:13:47,292 --> 00:13:49,815
We need to pick a lane, huh?
369
00:13:49,895 --> 00:13:51,898
We need to pick a lane.
370
00:13:52,899 --> 00:13:55,662
I mean, so if you were to,
371
00:13:55,742 --> 00:13:58,545
you know, pick a lane,
372
00:13:58,625 --> 00:14:00,307
what lane would you pick?
373
00:14:00,387 --> 00:14:02,309
I'm so glad you asked, Momo.
374
00:14:02,389 --> 00:14:04,391
Me too.
375
00:14:05,352 --> 00:14:07,595
-I need a job, you know, bad...
-Yeah. Mm-hmm.
376
00:14:07,675 --> 00:14:09,116
...if I'm gonna be able
to stay out.
377
00:14:09,197 --> 00:14:11,559
Well, you need a job,
you got a job.
378
00:14:11,639 --> 00:14:13,161
Of course, Dawn, I told you,
379
00:14:13,241 --> 00:14:15,323
I'll-I'll do anything--
anything to make it right.
380
00:14:15,403 --> 00:14:17,406
You got it.
381
00:14:18,126 --> 00:14:21,570
Oh, Mo, God, you are the best.
382
00:14:21,650 --> 00:14:24,213
Mm. Mm. Mm.
383
00:14:24,293 --> 00:14:26,816
-Oh, thank you.
-[Mo] Yeah.
384
00:14:27,777 --> 00:14:29,499
All right, now, come on,
let's go to Cedar Tavern
385
00:14:29,579 --> 00:14:31,221
and get you shit-faced
and shit-butt.
386
00:14:31,301 --> 00:14:32,582
[both laugh]
387
00:14:32,662 --> 00:14:34,785
-You're gonna shit on yourself!
-[laughs]
388
00:14:34,865 --> 00:14:36,346
Oh, you're really stuck
on the shit thing, huh?
389
00:14:36,426 --> 00:14:38,469
-[Dawn] Oh, yeah. Let's go.
-Can't wait.
390
00:14:38,549 --> 00:14:40,151
[Corkie]
Keith, Keith, please.
391
00:14:40,231 --> 00:14:41,592
Look into your heart.
392
00:14:41,672 --> 00:14:43,955
You and I share at least
one testament, don't we?
393
00:14:44,035 --> 00:14:45,557
You.
394
00:14:45,637 --> 00:14:47,078
-You're fired.
-[Tiff] Hey!
395
00:14:47,158 --> 00:14:48,400
You can't do this, Keith.
396
00:14:48,480 --> 00:14:50,482
Thank G-G you're here.
397
00:14:50,562 --> 00:14:52,724
I think I made it
abundantly clear
398
00:14:52,804 --> 00:14:56,288
I can do whatever
the fuck I want.
399
00:14:56,368 --> 00:14:57,930
And if that means firing
400
00:14:58,010 --> 00:15:01,094
every useless face jock
in this joint--
401
00:15:01,174 --> 00:15:03,977
I'm not talking about them,
I'm talking about me.
402
00:15:04,057 --> 00:15:06,500
My company credit card
was just...
403
00:15:08,342 --> 00:15:09,623
-...was just...
-Oh.
404
00:15:09,703 --> 00:15:11,905
[scoffs]
405
00:15:11,986 --> 00:15:12,867
-Tiff.
-[Keith] Ugh.
406
00:15:12,947 --> 00:15:14,108
...was declined.
407
00:15:14,188 --> 00:15:16,791
-[gasps]
-At Victoria's Secret, yeah.
408
00:15:16,871 --> 00:15:18,072
Do you know
how embarrassing it is
409
00:15:18,152 --> 00:15:20,515
to take a thong off
that you just said
410
00:15:20,595 --> 00:15:21,957
you were gonna wear out?
411
00:15:22,037 --> 00:15:24,199
It was the worst moment
of my life.
412
00:15:24,279 --> 00:15:26,922
Well, your husband
was just shot today.
413
00:15:27,002 --> 00:15:28,564
And I thought you were
gonna go visit him,
414
00:15:28,644 --> 00:15:30,606
but you went shopping.
415
00:15:30,686 --> 00:15:33,729
The point is, we brought you on
to take our company public,
416
00:15:33,810 --> 00:15:35,491
not ruin our lives.
417
00:15:35,571 --> 00:15:37,574
I mean, Chris here has been
with Pfaffashions
418
00:15:37,654 --> 00:15:38,935
from the beginning.
419
00:15:39,015 --> 00:15:41,979
Yeah, you can't just
throw him out like trash!
420
00:15:42,059 --> 00:15:43,660
Then who's gonna
throw out the trash?
421
00:15:43,740 --> 00:15:46,463
Actually, Tiff,
let me give you a choice.
422
00:15:46,544 --> 00:15:48,225
Would you rather keep Chris
423
00:15:48,305 --> 00:15:50,588
or keep your
company credit card?
424
00:15:50,668 --> 00:15:52,510
Get the fuck outta here, Chris.
You heard the boss.
425
00:15:52,590 --> 00:15:54,312
Yeah, that was a test.
You failed.
426
00:15:54,392 --> 00:15:55,634
You don't get either.
427
00:15:55,714 --> 00:15:57,716
This is not your personal
ATM machine.
428
00:15:57,796 --> 00:15:59,157
His name is Chris.
429
00:15:59,237 --> 00:16:01,240
I meant the company. Ew.
430
00:16:01,320 --> 00:16:02,241
What does that mean?
431
00:16:02,321 --> 00:16:03,682
Ass to mouth.
432
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:05,044
Oh, Tiff.
433
00:16:05,124 --> 00:16:06,485
I made the accountants
aware that,
434
00:16:06,566 --> 00:16:08,488
from now on,
you are not authorized
435
00:16:08,568 --> 00:16:11,050
to spend a single cent
436
00:16:11,131 --> 00:16:14,414
unless it's
a legitimate business expense.
437
00:16:14,494 --> 00:16:16,056
Case closed. Good night.
438
00:16:16,136 --> 00:16:17,578
Please don't do this to me,
Keith.
439
00:16:17,658 --> 00:16:19,620
You can have sex with Chris.
He goes hard.
440
00:16:19,700 --> 00:16:22,783
Or Giancarlo!
He's my bottom bitch!
441
00:16:22,863 --> 00:16:24,585
Oh, Tiff!
442
00:16:24,665 --> 00:16:26,628
[Dawn] I need a couple
of shots of tequila!
443
00:16:26,708 --> 00:16:28,069
You guys celebrating something?
444
00:16:28,149 --> 00:16:30,632
My new freedom and my new job.
445
00:16:30,712 --> 00:16:32,514
-Right, Mo Mo?
-Oh, yeah.
446
00:16:32,594 --> 00:16:34,636
Can't wait to start
working together again.
447
00:16:34,716 --> 00:16:36,839
I mean, not really
working together.
448
00:16:36,919 --> 00:16:38,921
What do you mean?
449
00:16:39,682 --> 00:16:43,206
I mean, I don't plan on
actually working at your label.
450
00:16:43,286 --> 00:16:46,089
I just need a company name
to satisfy my parole officer.
451
00:16:46,169 --> 00:16:48,532
Being employed is a condition
of me staying out, so--
452
00:16:48,612 --> 00:16:49,613
was that not clear?
453
00:16:49,693 --> 00:16:51,215
No, it wasn't clear!
454
00:16:51,295 --> 00:16:52,856
You said, "Pick a lane."
455
00:16:52,936 --> 00:16:54,979
I think we'd both rather
walk into a lane of traffic
456
00:16:55,059 --> 00:16:56,701
than ever work together again,
am I right?
457
00:16:56,781 --> 00:16:58,983
Yes, you're right. Agreed.
I mean, fuck that lane.
458
00:16:59,063 --> 00:17:01,586
So, uh, if my PO calls,
459
00:17:01,666 --> 00:17:02,747
you'll lie and say
I work there?
460
00:17:02,827 --> 00:17:04,029
Dawn, of course.
461
00:17:04,109 --> 00:17:05,270
-[laughs]
-Come on.
462
00:17:05,350 --> 00:17:06,551
Even though
you don't work there,
463
00:17:06,632 --> 00:17:08,834
because we both agreed
that work is not the lane
464
00:17:08,914 --> 00:17:10,195
that either of us would pick
465
00:17:10,276 --> 00:17:12,958
between the two lanes
as discussed.
466
00:17:13,039 --> 00:17:15,321
Oh, God,
I missed your crazy ass.
467
00:17:15,401 --> 00:17:18,284
Oh, I missed you, too, Dawn.
You have no idea.
468
00:17:18,364 --> 00:17:20,367
Ah, come on, come on.
Let's toast.
469
00:17:23,330 --> 00:17:26,654
-To us.
-To us.
470
00:17:26,734 --> 00:17:28,736
[both chuckle]
471
00:17:29,336 --> 00:17:32,700
-Mmm.
-Mmm, mmm, mmm, mmm!
472
00:17:32,780 --> 00:17:34,142
Can we have two more?
473
00:17:34,222 --> 00:17:35,263
[newscaster]
Recently-appointed Congressman
474
00:17:35,343 --> 00:17:37,345
-Dawny.
-Oh, my God!
475
00:17:37,425 --> 00:17:38,667
Fuck.
476
00:17:38,747 --> 00:17:41,310
-[Dawn] Blair just got shot!
-The fuck?
477
00:17:41,390 --> 00:17:42,471
[newscaster]
Remains in a coma...
478
00:17:42,551 --> 00:17:43,993
-[Dawn] Oh!
-[Mo] Oh, shit!
479
00:17:44,073 --> 00:17:45,594
[newscaster] After
the assassination attempt.
480
00:17:45,674 --> 00:17:47,556
Sources say
he might not make it.
481
00:17:47,637 --> 00:17:49,799
What are you doing down there?
482
00:17:49,879 --> 00:17:51,441
Praying.
483
00:17:51,521 --> 00:17:54,084
Oh, yeah. Blair.
484
00:17:55,966 --> 00:17:57,648
[Harris] Blair?
485
00:17:57,728 --> 00:17:59,730
Blair?
486
00:18:00,451 --> 00:18:02,973
Roger, you go here?
487
00:18:03,054 --> 00:18:04,375
I've been looking
all over creation for you.
488
00:18:04,455 --> 00:18:05,496
Where have you been?
489
00:18:05,576 --> 00:18:07,779
[Blair]
Uh, everywhere.
490
00:18:07,859 --> 00:18:10,061
I watched Bob Fosse choreograph
All That Jazz.
491
00:18:10,141 --> 00:18:11,463
That way he fucked around,
it should've been called
492
00:18:11,543 --> 00:18:12,944
All That Jizz.
493
00:18:13,024 --> 00:18:14,746
And then I fucked around
and got a triple double
494
00:18:14,826 --> 00:18:16,749
at the '91 finals!
495
00:18:16,829 --> 00:18:18,671
And then I fucked
most of my high school,
496
00:18:18,751 --> 00:18:20,433
which led
to a teensy killing spree.
497
00:18:20,513 --> 00:18:21,714
This was not supposed to be
498
00:18:21,794 --> 00:18:23,876
Blair and Ted's
Excellent Adventure.
499
00:18:23,956 --> 00:18:25,598
It was supposed to be
a deeply personal journey
500
00:18:25,678 --> 00:18:27,120
through your life so you can
learn from your mistakes
501
00:18:27,200 --> 00:18:28,522
in time to save your soul.
502
00:18:28,602 --> 00:18:30,323
Okay, well, it was actually
503
00:18:30,404 --> 00:18:32,045
more like that movie Westworld
504
00:18:32,125 --> 00:18:33,647
than it was
like Bill and Ted's,
505
00:18:33,727 --> 00:18:35,489
on account of all the killing
and fucking.
506
00:18:35,569 --> 00:18:38,372
But I hear you,
and I will learn
507
00:18:38,452 --> 00:18:39,974
all the lessons, Roger.
508
00:18:40,054 --> 00:18:41,856
I promise.
509
00:18:41,936 --> 00:18:43,418
It's just...[sighs]
510
00:18:43,498 --> 00:18:46,181
I just figured,
since I got shot,
511
00:18:46,261 --> 00:18:48,303
it would be okay
if I, you know,
512
00:18:48,383 --> 00:18:50,025
had a little fun first.
513
00:18:50,105 --> 00:18:52,188
We have a little fun first.
514
00:18:53,189 --> 00:18:54,790
Dinosaur blood?
515
00:18:54,870 --> 00:18:56,993
The actual cake
Marie Antoinette said
516
00:18:57,073 --> 00:18:58,635
"let them eat cake" about?
517
00:18:58,715 --> 00:19:00,717
I mean, it's pretty dry,
but it's history!
518
00:19:02,078 --> 00:19:03,640
This has to be
against the rules.
519
00:19:03,720 --> 00:19:05,442
Fuck the rules.
520
00:19:05,522 --> 00:19:07,324
I missed you.
521
00:19:07,404 --> 00:19:09,807
This might be our only chance
to be together again.
522
00:19:09,887 --> 00:19:11,168
[person] You've been
in the shower forever!
523
00:19:11,248 --> 00:19:12,450
Oh, look, look, look!
524
00:19:12,530 --> 00:19:14,532
[person]
We're gonna be late, John-John.
525
00:19:16,614 --> 00:19:18,577
That's big, right?
526
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,659
Talk about vote for Kennedy.
527
00:19:22,261 --> 00:19:23,982
I do like history.
528
00:19:24,063 --> 00:19:26,065
Well, then, get over here.
529
00:19:27,346 --> 00:19:29,188
Try this.
530
00:19:29,268 --> 00:19:31,070
A peasant made it.
531
00:19:31,150 --> 00:19:32,191
Hmm.
532
00:19:32,272 --> 00:19:34,274
-[Harris] Hmm.
-[Blair] Mm-hmm.
533
00:19:35,435 --> 00:19:37,597
I missed this.
534
00:19:37,677 --> 00:19:39,039
Us.
535
00:19:39,119 --> 00:19:40,521
♪ soft piano music ♪
536
00:19:40,601 --> 00:19:42,603
Me too.
537
00:19:43,244 --> 00:19:45,246
And I meant what I said before.
I--
538
00:19:46,527 --> 00:19:49,050
I didn't mean for it
to end like that.
539
00:19:49,130 --> 00:19:51,132
I didn't wanna hurt you.
540
00:19:52,774 --> 00:19:55,017
I'm sorry, Roger.
541
00:19:55,097 --> 00:19:56,218
I still love you.
542
00:19:56,298 --> 00:20:00,583
♪♪♪♪♪
543
00:20:00,663 --> 00:20:02,625
[monitor beeping]
544
00:20:02,705 --> 00:20:04,707
[Dawn] Fuck.
545
00:20:05,748 --> 00:20:07,751
Yeah.
546
00:20:10,073 --> 00:20:12,075
Oh, God.
547
00:20:27,092 --> 00:20:29,094
Mm.
548
00:20:30,375 --> 00:20:32,177
Okay. All right, come on.
That was nice, though.
549
00:20:32,257 --> 00:20:33,739
No, you--no, you--no!
550
00:20:33,819 --> 00:20:35,101
You've gotta--you can't.
What if this is it?
551
00:20:35,181 --> 00:20:36,262
What if you mean if this it?
552
00:20:36,342 --> 00:20:37,063
[Dawn whispers]
What if this is...
553
00:20:37,143 --> 00:20:38,424
How's he gonna fucking know
554
00:20:38,504 --> 00:20:39,706
if I went and said goodbye
to him or not?
555
00:20:39,786 --> 00:20:41,788
-He'll know! I'll know!
-Get out of there. Fuck!
556
00:20:42,589 --> 00:20:46,153
Hey. Hey, Blair. Buddy.
557
00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:48,235
Aw.
558
00:20:49,516 --> 00:20:51,559
-All right, put her there.
-[chuckles]
559
00:20:51,639 --> 00:20:54,562
Get--you-you hang in there,
buddy.
560
00:20:54,642 --> 00:20:56,844
You're gonna be fine.
561
00:20:56,925 --> 00:20:57,806
[shouting] Bye, Blair!
562
00:20:57,886 --> 00:21:00,889
[Harris moaning]
563
00:21:00,969 --> 00:21:03,812
[speaker speaking indistinctly]
564
00:21:03,892 --> 00:21:06,896
[Harris moaning]
565
00:21:06,976 --> 00:21:08,978
No, we gotta stop.
I can't do this.
566
00:21:09,578 --> 00:21:11,461
Wait, didn't you just do it?
567
00:21:11,541 --> 00:21:13,142
Yes, but that was just
to teach you a lesson
568
00:21:13,222 --> 00:21:15,225
-about selfishness.
-Hmm.
569
00:21:15,305 --> 00:21:17,828
At some point in your life,
you stopped caring
570
00:21:17,908 --> 00:21:19,229
about anybody but yourself.
571
00:21:19,309 --> 00:21:21,311
That's what today
was supposed to be about,
572
00:21:21,391 --> 00:21:23,474
you learning that
and vowing to change
573
00:21:23,554 --> 00:21:25,116
in a real enough way
to earn a chance
574
00:21:25,196 --> 00:21:26,918
to make things right.
575
00:21:26,998 --> 00:21:29,160
Instead, you just yanked it
to John-John.
576
00:21:29,240 --> 00:21:31,082
Look! It doesn't fit.
577
00:21:31,162 --> 00:21:33,285
Ugh. Talk about getting off.
578
00:21:33,365 --> 00:21:35,207
I told you, Rog. Pay up.
579
00:21:35,287 --> 00:21:37,329
I still can't believe
Nordberg from Naked Gun
580
00:21:37,409 --> 00:21:38,530
killed two people.
581
00:21:38,610 --> 00:21:39,812
[Blair]
No, no, no, it didn't fit.
582
00:21:39,892 --> 00:21:41,734
-They must acquit.
-[laughing]
583
00:21:41,814 --> 00:21:43,175
Oh, I know, let's go
to Brentwood
584
00:21:43,255 --> 00:21:44,217
the night of the murder--
double or nothing.
585
00:21:44,297 --> 00:21:45,658
This has to stop.
586
00:21:45,738 --> 00:21:47,100
If you don't wanna
learn your lesson,
587
00:21:47,180 --> 00:21:48,661
that's up to you,
but I can't be part of it.
588
00:21:48,742 --> 00:21:50,143
-Goodbye, Blair.
-Wait, you're right.
589
00:21:50,223 --> 00:21:51,264
I'm ready to learn
whatever lesson
590
00:21:51,344 --> 00:21:53,347
I'm supposed to!
591
00:21:55,309 --> 00:21:56,350
[sighs]
592
00:21:56,430 --> 00:21:58,032
I deserve to go to hell.
593
00:21:58,112 --> 00:22:00,354
[door slams open]
594
00:22:00,434 --> 00:22:02,437
Been here the whole time.
595
00:22:02,517 --> 00:22:04,559
-Tiff, I want a divorce.
-Okay, fine.
596
00:22:04,639 --> 00:22:06,401
I was gone for ten minutes
597
00:22:06,481 --> 00:22:09,564
to get my paws and claws done
for your big awakening.
598
00:22:09,644 --> 00:22:10,726
Or your funeral.
599
00:22:10,806 --> 00:22:12,608
But either way, it was for you.
600
00:22:12,688 --> 00:22:15,731
Well, this is for you too.
601
00:22:15,811 --> 00:22:17,093
I'm tired of living a lie.
602
00:22:17,173 --> 00:22:19,455
I'm tired of hurting people.
603
00:22:19,535 --> 00:22:21,738
I-I wanna find someone
I can make happy,
604
00:22:21,818 --> 00:22:22,939
and you deserve that too.
605
00:22:23,019 --> 00:22:25,021
-Ooh, they're still wet.
-Sorry.
606
00:22:25,422 --> 00:22:27,144
I'm gonna quit my job.
607
00:22:27,224 --> 00:22:28,946
I'm gonna do something
I actually like
608
00:22:29,026 --> 00:22:31,068
that makes the world
a better place.
609
00:22:31,148 --> 00:22:33,270
So, sorry,
this has nothing to do
610
00:22:33,351 --> 00:22:35,032
with me spending
your first day in a coma
611
00:22:35,112 --> 00:22:37,916
shopping and at the spa
and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids?
612
00:22:37,996 --> 00:22:40,679
'Cause as I say it out loud,
it does sound really bad.
613
00:22:40,759 --> 00:22:42,000
-How was that movie?
-[Tiff] Oh.
614
00:22:42,080 --> 00:22:44,002
If you live,
you have to see it.
615
00:22:44,082 --> 00:22:45,123
I've always liked Rick Moranis.
616
00:22:45,204 --> 00:22:46,125
I love him.
617
00:22:46,205 --> 00:22:47,166
He has leading man energy.
618
00:22:47,246 --> 00:22:49,568
-Big dick energy.
-[both laugh]
619
00:22:49,648 --> 00:22:51,410
-I love you.
-Aw
620
00:22:51,490 --> 00:22:52,692
And I want you to be happy.
621
00:22:52,772 --> 00:22:55,815
And from now on,
I'm gonna be good and true
622
00:22:55,895 --> 00:22:58,218
and never do
anything selfish again.
623
00:22:58,298 --> 00:22:59,860
There he is. The golden boy.
624
00:22:59,940 --> 00:23:01,301
I was worried
for a second, champ.
625
00:23:01,381 --> 00:23:02,983
Who are all these white men?
626
00:23:03,063 --> 00:23:04,985
Oh, only a who's who
of the RNC.
627
00:23:05,065 --> 00:23:06,427
I thought the RNC hated me.
628
00:23:06,507 --> 00:23:08,709
They did, until your
assassination attempt.
629
00:23:08,789 --> 00:23:11,232
And now you are polling
through the roof, sir.
630
00:23:11,312 --> 00:23:12,674
[Carleton]
Buckle up, Pfaff.
631
00:23:12,754 --> 00:23:14,756
You're in for a rocket ride
to the moon.
632
00:23:16,077 --> 00:23:17,879
Well, unfortunately,
you're too late.
633
00:23:17,960 --> 00:23:20,522
I'm quitting politics for good.
634
00:23:20,602 --> 00:23:22,845
And there is nothing
you can offer us
635
00:23:22,925 --> 00:23:24,367
that will change that.
636
00:23:24,447 --> 00:23:28,491
How about unlimited power,
sex, and money?
637
00:23:28,571 --> 00:23:32,015
♪ dramatic music ♪
638
00:23:32,335 --> 00:23:33,697
-I mean, we can kick it around.
-It's worth a conversation.
639
00:23:33,777 --> 00:23:35,739
It's--maybe just a chat.
640
00:23:35,819 --> 00:23:37,701
We're gonna come around to yes.
641
00:23:37,781 --> 00:23:39,543
Oh, jeez.
642
00:23:39,623 --> 00:23:41,185
[band playing soft jazz]
643
00:23:41,265 --> 00:23:43,227
Hey, be honest with me, Dawn.
Did I do that to him?
644
00:23:43,307 --> 00:23:45,270
What? No.
645
00:23:45,350 --> 00:23:47,712
No! He made his choices.
646
00:23:47,792 --> 00:23:49,314
-Yeah.
-[Dawn] And shit happens.
647
00:23:49,394 --> 00:23:52,718
Life is about doing what
and who you want at all times
648
00:23:52,798 --> 00:23:55,441
because you never know
when your time is up.
649
00:23:55,521 --> 00:23:57,083
[Mo]
Hmm.
650
00:23:57,163 --> 00:23:59,205
Ah, shit.
651
00:23:59,285 --> 00:24:01,327
Look, this place is just
gonna have to fuckin' do.
652
00:24:01,407 --> 00:24:02,809
Yeah, it has a charm to it.
653
00:24:02,889 --> 00:24:04,250
Besides, all I really
need to do
654
00:24:04,330 --> 00:24:06,213
is just get fucked up.
655
00:24:06,293 --> 00:24:08,335
Dawn, Dawn, just listen to me
for a second.
656
00:24:08,415 --> 00:24:09,576
I am tired of wasting time.
657
00:24:09,656 --> 00:24:11,298
Right?
658
00:24:11,378 --> 00:24:13,300
Y-you are the closest person
in my entire life.
659
00:24:13,380 --> 00:24:14,982
You're like family to me.
660
00:24:15,062 --> 00:24:17,585
Oh, God, Mo, you are my family.
661
00:24:17,665 --> 00:24:18,866
God, I love you.
662
00:24:18,947 --> 00:24:20,228
I love you too.
663
00:24:20,308 --> 00:24:21,469
Which is why I don't
wanna keep fucking
664
00:24:21,549 --> 00:24:23,071
wasting all this time
trying to be
665
00:24:23,151 --> 00:24:24,433
all these different things
for each other
666
00:24:24,513 --> 00:24:26,195
when we should just
be focused on being
667
00:24:26,275 --> 00:24:28,077
the one thing that we know
we were both meant to be.
668
00:24:28,157 --> 00:24:29,078
Yes.
669
00:24:29,158 --> 00:24:30,279
-[Mo] A couple...
-Friends.
670
00:24:30,359 --> 00:24:31,360
-...of friends.
-[Dawn] Oh, my God.
671
00:24:31,440 --> 00:24:32,521
A couple of friends.
672
00:24:32,602 --> 00:24:34,243
Took the words right out
of my mouth.
673
00:24:34,323 --> 00:24:35,565
-Yes! I mean...
-[coughs]
674
00:24:35,645 --> 00:24:37,046
...it's been staring us
in the face
675
00:24:37,127 --> 00:24:38,888
-this whole time.
-Mm-hmm.
676
00:24:38,969 --> 00:24:40,851
Uh, point of clarity, though.
677
00:24:40,931 --> 00:24:42,532
Last night, that was...
678
00:24:42,613 --> 00:24:44,535
-Great. Fuckin' amazing.
-Yes.
679
00:24:44,615 --> 00:24:46,096
-[Dawn] Fuckin' outstanding.
-Yes.
680
00:24:46,176 --> 00:24:47,458
But that's the kind of shit a--
681
00:24:47,538 --> 00:24:49,981
a real couple of friends
can do.
682
00:24:50,061 --> 00:24:52,463
You know, that's the benefit
of-of friends.
683
00:24:52,543 --> 00:24:53,905
Yeah.
684
00:24:53,985 --> 00:24:55,547
They should come up
with a term for that.
685
00:24:55,627 --> 00:24:56,748
Friends with...
686
00:24:56,828 --> 00:24:58,430
-Uh, fucking.
-[Dawn] Yes!
687
00:24:58,510 --> 00:24:59,791
[both]
Friends with fucking!
688
00:24:59,872 --> 00:25:01,433
-[Mo] Sure.
-God, that's good.
689
00:25:01,513 --> 00:25:03,275
-[Mo] Mm-hmm.
-That's good.
690
00:25:03,355 --> 00:25:05,237
Plus, I just got out
of the joint, you know?
691
00:25:05,318 --> 00:25:06,719
-It was kinda urgent.
-[laughs]
692
00:25:06,799 --> 00:25:09,362
I mean, there was no time
to teach some new guy
693
00:25:09,442 --> 00:25:11,925
all the codes when, hey,
you already know 'em.
694
00:25:12,005 --> 00:25:13,326
-I know the codes.
-[chuckles]
695
00:25:13,406 --> 00:25:15,128
Up, up, down, down,
left, right, left, right.
696
00:25:15,208 --> 00:25:16,970
-P, A, P, A.
-Pussy, ass, pussy, ass, start.
697
00:25:17,050 --> 00:25:18,612
-Finish.
-[chuckles]
698
00:25:18,692 --> 00:25:20,134
We probably shouldn't
do that anymore.
699
00:25:20,214 --> 00:25:21,295
What? I didn't--
700
00:25:21,375 --> 00:25:22,216
Besides, I don't want you
701
00:25:22,296 --> 00:25:23,497
falling in love with me again.
702
00:25:23,578 --> 00:25:26,501
[both laughing]
703
00:25:26,581 --> 00:25:28,663
Who-who needs that?
704
00:25:28,743 --> 00:25:31,466
-Oh, God, this feels great!
-Uh-huh.
705
00:25:31,546 --> 00:25:33,989
I mean, I feel so great.
I mean, not physically.
706
00:25:34,069 --> 00:25:35,511
-[Mo] No.
-I feel a little queasy.
707
00:25:35,591 --> 00:25:38,674
-Yeah.
-But emotionally, I feel great.
708
00:25:38,754 --> 00:25:40,396
Right there, yeah,
I'm right there with you.
709
00:25:40,476 --> 00:25:42,238
[Dawn]
Oh, God, Mo.
710
00:25:42,318 --> 00:25:43,560
I gotta piss.
711
00:25:43,640 --> 00:25:45,482
Oh, okay. That's cute.
712
00:25:45,562 --> 00:25:47,564
Yeah.
713
00:25:48,445 --> 00:25:49,686
Okay.
714
00:25:49,766 --> 00:25:50,807
[giggles]
715
00:25:50,888 --> 00:25:53,410
[band playing slow love song]
716
00:25:53,490 --> 00:25:54,692
[Mo sighs]
717
00:25:54,772 --> 00:25:56,334
♪ Your lips were like ♪
718
00:25:56,414 --> 00:25:59,978
♪ A red and ruby chalice ♪
719
00:26:00,058 --> 00:26:01,259
[Mo groans]
720
00:26:01,339 --> 00:26:05,584
♪ Warmer than a summer night ♪
721
00:26:05,664 --> 00:26:08,387
Fuck.
722
00:26:08,467 --> 00:26:10,149
♪ The clouds were like ♪
723
00:26:10,229 --> 00:26:14,714
♪ An alabaster palace ♪
724
00:26:14,794 --> 00:26:19,639
♪ Rising to a snowy height ♪
725
00:26:19,719 --> 00:26:22,042
♪♪♪♪♪
726
00:26:22,122 --> 00:26:23,804
♪ Each star its own ♪
727
00:26:23,884 --> 00:26:28,169
♪ Aurora borealis ♪
728
00:26:28,249 --> 00:26:32,093
♪ Suddenly,
you held me tight ♪
729
00:26:32,173 --> 00:26:34,175
♪♪♪♪♪
730
00:26:34,255 --> 00:26:36,177
♪ And we saw ♪
731
00:26:36,257 --> 00:26:40,862
♪ The midnight sun ♪
732
00:26:40,943 --> 00:26:44,106
[breathes deeply]
733
00:26:44,186 --> 00:26:46,389
Thank you all for being here.
734
00:26:46,469 --> 00:26:50,233
Getting shot has made me
realize so many things.
735
00:26:52,075 --> 00:26:53,677
-I wanna try to stand for this.
-No, honey.
736
00:26:53,757 --> 00:26:55,038
No. I have to.
737
00:26:55,118 --> 00:26:56,239
-Okay.
-Be my legs.
738
00:26:56,319 --> 00:26:57,601
He wants to stand.
739
00:26:57,681 --> 00:26:59,443
I wanna show
my would-be assassin that...
740
00:26:59,523 --> 00:27:00,684
[sighs]
741
00:27:00,764 --> 00:27:02,206
...you did not win.
742
00:27:02,286 --> 00:27:04,288
-[crowd gasping]
-[person] Oh, my.
743
00:27:04,649 --> 00:27:06,651
You did not intimidate me.
744
00:27:07,772 --> 00:27:10,655
Getting shot has made me
realize...
745
00:27:10,735 --> 00:27:12,617
so much.
746
00:27:12,697 --> 00:27:14,700
For one...
747
00:27:15,100 --> 00:27:16,221
...it's not that bad.
748
00:27:16,301 --> 00:27:18,864
[both laughing]
749
00:27:18,944 --> 00:27:21,347
I mean, ho!
750
00:27:21,427 --> 00:27:23,029
-[applause]
-Gah-gah-gah, gah-gah-gah.
751
00:27:23,109 --> 00:27:24,991
[trilling]
752
00:27:25,071 --> 00:27:27,394
Look at me! I'm fine.
753
00:27:27,474 --> 00:27:29,716
Guns are nothing
to be afraid of.
754
00:27:29,796 --> 00:27:33,200
And two, this whole thing
could have been avoided
755
00:27:33,280 --> 00:27:36,524
if every American had a gun,
756
00:27:36,604 --> 00:27:39,727
which is why I am dedicating
the rest of my career
757
00:27:39,807 --> 00:27:41,930
to gun control, specifically...
758
00:27:42,010 --> 00:27:44,092
the abolishment of it!
759
00:27:44,172 --> 00:27:46,334
Hey, what in the literal fuck
is going on?
760
00:27:46,415 --> 00:27:48,497
$1 million went missing
from the company last night.
761
00:27:48,577 --> 00:27:49,978
I know it was you.
762
00:27:50,059 --> 00:27:51,060
I just don't know
how you did it.
763
00:27:51,140 --> 00:27:52,782
Did you know
political donations
764
00:27:52,862 --> 00:27:54,664
are a legitimate
business expense?
765
00:27:54,744 --> 00:27:57,306
And while politicians' salaries
are quite low,
766
00:27:57,387 --> 00:27:59,309
they can basically
use campaign funds
767
00:27:59,389 --> 00:28:01,591
as their own personal ATMs,
768
00:28:01,671 --> 00:28:04,114
and I don't mean ass to mouth.
769
00:28:04,194 --> 00:28:05,435
Oh, Jesus.
770
00:28:05,516 --> 00:28:06,797
Who the fuck is thinking that?
771
00:28:06,877 --> 00:28:07,838
-Some people.
-Okay, look.
772
00:28:07,918 --> 00:28:09,440
Did you know
773
00:28:09,520 --> 00:28:11,802
that this little
finance fund fraud
774
00:28:11,883 --> 00:28:14,285
-is gonna be a f-failure?
-Weak.
775
00:28:14,365 --> 00:28:16,768
And I'd like to thank
my wife Tiff and her company
776
00:28:16,848 --> 00:28:19,371
Pfaffashions for kicking off
my very first
777
00:28:19,451 --> 00:28:20,692
campaign finance fund
778
00:28:20,772 --> 00:28:21,733
for my reelection.
779
00:28:21,813 --> 00:28:22,734
Thank you.
780
00:28:22,815 --> 00:28:23,736
I love you, babe.
781
00:28:23,816 --> 00:28:25,017
[Tiff] I love you, babe.
782
00:28:25,097 --> 00:28:25,938
-Babe.
-[Blair] Babe, I love you more.
783
00:28:26,018 --> 00:28:26,979
[both]
Babe.
784
00:28:27,059 --> 00:28:28,100
[imitating gunshots]
785
00:28:28,180 --> 00:28:30,183
-Whoo!
-Ooh, ooh!
786
00:28:30,263 --> 00:28:31,824
Oh! Oh!
She got me!
787
00:28:31,905 --> 00:28:33,066
-[Tiff laughing]
-She got me!
788
00:28:33,146 --> 00:28:35,228
[Blair laughing]
789
00:28:35,308 --> 00:28:37,270
If Jesus had a gun,
he'd be alive today.
790
00:28:37,350 --> 00:28:39,513
♪ rock music ♪
791
00:28:39,593 --> 00:28:41,395
Yeah!
792
00:28:41,475 --> 00:28:45,960
♪ And you'll still be there ♪
793
00:28:46,040 --> 00:28:48,563
♪ With me ♪
794
00:28:48,643 --> 00:28:51,005
♪ Oh ♪
795
00:28:51,086 --> 00:28:55,971
♪♪♪♪♪
796
00:29:04,580 --> 00:29:09,346
♪ Oh, till I found you
I never had ♪
797
00:29:09,426 --> 00:29:13,670
♪ Someone to love me
in good times and bad ♪
798
00:29:13,750 --> 00:29:18,516
♪ Oh, till I found you
I never had ♪
799
00:29:18,596 --> 00:29:21,159
♪ Someone to love me... ♪
52287
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