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1
00:00:01,400 --> 00:00:05,300
So, dinner around eight, OK? -Yeah,
should I bring any wine or anything?
2
00:00:05,300 --> 00:00:08,220
No, it's OK. I've got plenty.
I've got plenty.
3
00:00:08,220 --> 00:00:11,340
It's the least I could do
after what happened.
4
00:00:11,340 --> 00:00:13,940
Isn't this lovely?
5
00:00:13,940 --> 00:00:16,020
Thank the Lord for the day.
6
00:00:16,020 --> 00:00:18,420
HE WHISTLES
7
00:00:21,900 --> 00:00:24,020
Forgot the pot! Damn!
8
00:00:29,700 --> 00:00:32,620
THEY SCREAM AND SHOUT
9
00:00:32,620 --> 00:00:35,420
So, we... You and me...
10
00:00:35,420 --> 00:00:38,540
Elaine and Helen
for some very sorry chicken.
11
00:00:38,540 --> 00:00:42,580
And pardon me, potatoes,
and it won't happen again, gravy.
12
00:00:42,580 --> 00:00:44,460
OK, sounds lovely.
13
00:00:44,460 --> 00:00:47,180
Oh, and they'll be no flying beans
anywhere, OK?
14
00:00:47,180 --> 00:00:48,860
No flying beans.
15
00:00:48,860 --> 00:00:53,100
I'll be totally on top
of everything in there.
16
00:00:59,980 --> 00:01:02,140
Oh, hi, Helen!
17
00:01:03,180 --> 00:01:06,420
? I think I'll rest a little more
18
00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:10,820
? Cos the noise in my head
keeps banging at the door
19
00:01:10,820 --> 00:01:13,620
? Something easy, I'll find hard
20
00:01:13,620 --> 00:01:17,820
? It's the man in me
that keeps me running scared
21
00:01:17,820 --> 00:01:21,740
? Cos your life spins round
like a merry-go-round
22
00:01:21,740 --> 00:01:26,060
? And you can't escape
from these ups and downs
23
00:01:26,060 --> 00:01:29,340
? Your dream's on hold
for this crazy world
24
00:01:29,340 --> 00:01:34,060
? But I wouldn't change a thing. ?
25
00:01:34,060 --> 00:01:36,820
So... See you around eight, OK?
26
00:01:39,740 --> 00:01:40,820
Afternoon, squire.
27
00:01:40,820 --> 00:01:41,860
Tim.
28
00:01:41,860 --> 00:01:43,860
Having a dinner party tonight?
Yes, Tim.
29
00:01:43,860 --> 00:01:45,860
Am I invited? No.
30
00:01:45,860 --> 00:01:46,940
I see.
31
00:01:48,340 --> 00:01:50,620
Oh, Dad, I'm bored!
32
00:01:50,620 --> 00:01:52,980
You said you'd play outside with us.
33
00:01:52,980 --> 00:01:55,780
I'm trying to make the dinner here,
OK? Can't.
34
00:01:55,780 --> 00:01:57,860
HE SIGHS
35
00:01:57,860 --> 00:02:00,540
Where are you going?
I'm going to the loo.
36
00:02:00,540 --> 00:02:04,060
Or is that against the law? No!
37
00:02:04,060 --> 00:02:06,460
HE SIGHS
Oh!
38
00:02:06,460 --> 00:02:09,620
Don't use that upstairs toilet,
I'm still fixin' the door!
39
00:02:11,620 --> 00:02:14,540
You're making them
Beef Birmingham, Dad?
40
00:02:14,540 --> 00:02:18,580
Shouldn't you make something a bit
more, well...you know, idiot-proof?
41
00:02:18,580 --> 00:02:21,700
Idiot-proof? I'll... Oh, man!
42
00:02:21,700 --> 00:02:22,980
Oh, God!
43
00:02:22,980 --> 00:02:24,980
HE SIGHS
44
00:02:26,460 --> 00:02:29,380
Oh, God. I've been looking for this
everywhere.
45
00:02:31,060 --> 00:02:34,140
Look, just go and play with your
brother, will you, OK?
46
00:02:34,140 --> 00:02:35,420
Let me cook the dinner.
47
00:02:35,420 --> 00:02:37,780
And you sure you can manage?
Yes, I can manage.
48
00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:39,100
Thanks very much.
49
00:02:39,100 --> 00:02:40,860
Yeah, OK.
50
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:43,620
Right, OK, OK. Right.
51
00:02:45,980 --> 00:02:48,780
BANG!
GLASS SMASHES
52
00:02:48,780 --> 00:02:49,860
HE GROWLS
53
00:02:51,300 --> 00:02:52,540
Uh-huh.
54
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:00,420
Ah, huh-hah!
55
00:03:10,940 --> 00:03:12,340
Ha-hah!
56
00:03:16,740 --> 00:03:18,620
Ah!
57
00:03:20,660 --> 00:03:21,700
Right.
58
00:03:21,700 --> 00:03:25,420
"Do not tenderise...the beef."
59
00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:32,700
Dad...
60
00:03:32,700 --> 00:03:34,780
What? Good luck with that.
61
00:03:34,780 --> 00:03:35,900
Huh?
62
00:03:38,260 --> 00:03:39,660
I'm a human poo.
63
00:03:39,660 --> 00:03:41,740
HE GASPS
64
00:03:41,740 --> 00:03:44,020
Aah, it's everywhere!
65
00:03:44,020 --> 00:03:45,900
It's every...
66
00:03:45,900 --> 00:03:48,900
Aah! Drew, what've you done?!
67
00:03:48,900 --> 00:03:51,380
It's chocolate spread.
68
00:03:51,380 --> 00:03:55,420
Oh! Oh, thank...
69
00:03:55,420 --> 00:03:57,540
I thought...
70
00:03:57,540 --> 00:03:59,940
Good boy. Bad boy!
71
00:03:59,940 --> 00:04:01,580
Go and have a shower.
72
00:04:01,580 --> 00:04:03,260
I can't. Why?
73
00:04:05,020 --> 00:04:07,020
You broke the shower head?
74
00:04:07,020 --> 00:04:10,220
I was bored, so I made a spaceship.
75
00:04:10,220 --> 00:04:12,140
Vroom, vroom! Gimme that!
76
00:04:12,140 --> 00:04:14,580
I'm a human poo!
Get... Drew, don't...
77
00:04:14,580 --> 00:04:16,180
I'm a human poo! Don't, don't!
78
00:04:16,180 --> 00:04:18,580
Oh, my God, how'm I gonna clean you?
Don't go out that door.
79
00:04:18,580 --> 00:04:20,260
Drew, don't. I'm a human poo!
80
00:04:20,260 --> 00:04:22,500
Drew, don't, come back! Drew!
81
00:04:22,500 --> 00:04:24,100
Come back, Drew!
82
00:04:24,100 --> 00:04:26,140
DREW LAUGHS
83
00:04:26,140 --> 00:04:27,740
Yeah. Got you!
84
00:04:27,740 --> 00:04:29,580
Yeah, lovely!
85
00:04:30,820 --> 00:04:31,860
I love it!
86
00:04:31,860 --> 00:04:33,100
Aah!
87
00:04:33,100 --> 00:04:35,780
Yes! Yes!
88
00:04:35,780 --> 00:04:40,060
Ah-ha-hah! I love you in poo!
89
00:04:40,060 --> 00:04:42,020
Ha-hah...
90
00:04:44,580 --> 00:04:46,140
Ah, kids!
91
00:04:46,140 --> 00:04:49,140
HE LAUGHS
Human poo!
92
00:04:50,980 --> 00:04:53,020
We're not havin' that for dinner!
All right?
93
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:55,060
Yep, or beans, OK?
94
00:04:58,740 --> 00:05:00,700
Still a no!
95
00:05:02,820 --> 00:05:08,980
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ?
96
00:05:08,980 --> 00:05:11,060
What about ye?! Aah!
97
00:05:12,020 --> 00:05:14,860
What are you doing
lying on the floor there?
98
00:05:14,860 --> 00:05:16,020
Cookin' dinner.
99
00:05:16,020 --> 00:05:18,060
What are you making -
meat and two tiny veg?
100
00:05:20,500 --> 00:05:23,260
D'you get that lemon sponge?
Oh, aye, I got dessert.
101
00:05:23,260 --> 00:05:25,540
Oh, brilliant.
102
00:05:26,780 --> 00:05:28,540
A lemon sponge!
103
00:05:29,780 --> 00:05:31,820
HE GIGGLES
104
00:05:33,580 --> 00:05:34,620
That's dessert?!
105
00:05:34,620 --> 00:05:37,420
What are we doing,
having a gypsy wedding?!
106
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,500
Where'd you get that?
107
00:05:39,500 --> 00:05:42,540
Well, there's this little fancy
hotel, I like to go for a posh poo, right?
108
00:05:42,540 --> 00:05:46,460
It's gorgeous, you know, like,
wooden seats and aloe vera bog roll, it's great.
109
00:05:46,460 --> 00:05:49,700
So I was coming out
and there it was, in the hallway.
110
00:05:49,700 --> 00:05:51,620
So, Roddy's your uncle.
111
00:05:51,620 --> 00:05:53,580
So, you mean you stole it?
112
00:05:53,580 --> 00:05:57,300
No, no, no, you see, you know Roddy,
he likes to give the waitress a big tip.
113
00:05:57,300 --> 00:05:59,780
Ah! How much did you give her? Fiver.
114
00:06:01,060 --> 00:06:06,460
And I'm sure...
Keith and Linda won't mind.
115
00:06:06,460 --> 00:06:08,540
Yoo-hoo!
116
00:06:08,540 --> 00:06:10,940
TALKS LOUD: Hello, Tom!
117
00:06:10,940 --> 00:06:14,060
How are you doing, Roddy?
118
00:06:14,060 --> 00:06:18,260
What's with the
air-traffic control stuff?
119
00:06:18,260 --> 00:06:22,940
Your father won't let me
listen to Jessie J in the car.
120
00:06:22,940 --> 00:06:25,580
We've been shouting at each other
all the way over here.
121
00:06:25,580 --> 00:06:30,220
What? I said, we've been shouting at
each other all the way over here.
122
00:06:30,220 --> 00:06:32,180
What?!
123
00:06:32,180 --> 00:06:37,340
I said, we've been shouting
at each other all the way over here!
124
00:06:37,340 --> 00:06:41,420
What in the name of God
are you shouting for?
125
00:06:41,420 --> 00:06:43,580
Jesus.
126
00:06:44,740 --> 00:06:46,100
You all right there, Pat?
127
00:06:46,100 --> 00:06:47,140
Ooh, ah...
128
00:06:47,140 --> 00:06:50,540
I've a bit of chafing from sitting
on the edge of the couch.
129
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:53,820
I told you to sit further back
into the couch, Dad.
130
00:06:53,820 --> 00:06:57,620
Yeah, but if I sit too far back
I'd never get meself out of it
131
00:06:57,620 --> 00:07:02,340
and I've to rock meself
backwards and forwards for ages.
132
00:07:02,340 --> 00:07:07,180
Only yesterday his fat arse wedged
an opening in the back of the couch,
133
00:07:07,180 --> 00:07:11,220
then my bum fell into it
and he had the both of us trapped.
134
00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:15,900
D'ah!
135
00:07:18,620 --> 00:07:19,980
Damn!
136
00:07:19,980 --> 00:07:22,780
Lucky enough,
I had a spare fig roll left over,
137
00:07:22,780 --> 00:07:24,620
so I threw it
into the middle of the floor
138
00:07:24,620 --> 00:07:28,540
and your father shot out of the sofa
like Usain Bolt.
139
00:07:30,020 --> 00:07:32,420
I'd do anything for a biccy, me.
140
00:07:32,420 --> 00:07:34,180
So where's the neighbours?
141
00:07:34,180 --> 00:07:36,740
They're still in their house
and the dinner's not ready yet.
142
00:07:36,740 --> 00:07:40,180
Well, you'd want to get a move on,
son, they'll be here in two hours.
143
00:07:40,180 --> 00:07:43,540
Eh...yes, THEY will, but YOU won't,
144
00:07:43,540 --> 00:07:46,980
So, can you please leave my kitchen?
Thank you!
145
00:07:46,980 --> 00:07:51,180
Here, look it - now that I'm here,
I might as well help out.
146
00:07:51,180 --> 00:07:54,620
Look, Mum, this is MY apology
dinner for MY neighbours.
147
00:07:54,620 --> 00:07:56,220
Look, son, if you don't let me help,
148
00:07:56,220 --> 00:07:58,780
you're just going to have to make
another apology dinner
149
00:07:58,780 --> 00:08:01,260
to apologise to them
for poisoning them this evening.
150
00:08:01,260 --> 00:08:03,820
And then cooking
another apology dinner
151
00:08:03,820 --> 00:08:06,260
for that apology dinner
and then on and on,
152
00:08:06,260 --> 00:08:08,060
and suddenly you're an old man
153
00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:10,780
with your arse
trapped down the back of a sofa.
154
00:08:12,180 --> 00:08:14,340
Why are you two here?
155
00:08:14,340 --> 00:08:17,460
To make your life easier, son.
156
00:08:18,820 --> 00:08:20,420
Is it oxtail?
157
00:08:20,420 --> 00:08:22,660
I don't know, is it oxtail, Tom?
What?!
158
00:08:22,660 --> 00:08:24,700
The meat, is it oxtail? Oxtail?!
159
00:08:24,700 --> 00:08:26,620
Very tricky to cook, oxtail.
160
00:08:26,620 --> 00:08:31,020
You see, I can't eat oxtail,
it slows me pacemaker down.
161
00:08:31,020 --> 00:08:33,980
Look, it doesn't matter
if it's oxtail or not
162
00:08:33,980 --> 00:08:36,580
because you're...not...invited.
163
00:08:36,580 --> 00:08:38,940
Hello, not invited.
164
00:08:38,940 --> 00:08:41,420
Oh, thank God for that.
I can't stand oxtail.
165
00:08:42,820 --> 00:08:44,740
I'm heading off into the telly.
166
00:08:44,740 --> 00:08:47,340
Ah, the telly, Mum.
Why don't you go and watch the telly
167
00:08:47,340 --> 00:08:49,420
and then walk by it
and go out the front door?
168
00:08:51,060 --> 00:08:55,060
Mother of God on high
in the name of the angels!
169
00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:57,500
THAT is a cake.
170
00:08:57,500 --> 00:09:00,100
Oh, it's magnificent.
171
00:09:00,100 --> 00:09:04,740
All I'd need now would be a giant
cup of tea and I'd be in heaven.
172
00:09:04,740 --> 00:09:08,020
THAT is the dessert.
173
00:09:08,020 --> 00:09:09,380
Well done, Roddy.
174
00:09:09,380 --> 00:09:11,660
Oh, d'you know,
the only thing that can relax me now
175
00:09:11,660 --> 00:09:13,100
is to do a little bit of cooking.
176
00:09:13,100 --> 00:09:14,460
Oh, Mum!
177
00:09:14,460 --> 00:09:17,660
Mum... Dad, don't touch that,
it's for the neighbours!
178
00:09:17,660 --> 00:09:20,940
Ah, just a lick.
No, no... It's made of oxtail.
179
00:09:23,940 --> 00:09:26,220
PAT MOUTHS
180
00:09:26,220 --> 00:09:27,940
Mum, Mum, no!
181
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:30,340
It'll just be
the merest morsel of help,
182
00:09:30,340 --> 00:09:32,900
so tiny you won't even notice
it's there.
183
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:34,180
Mum, gimme that. No.
184
00:09:34,180 --> 00:09:35,580
Gimme the masher. No, I will not.
185
00:09:35,580 --> 00:09:37,700
Mum, gimme the masher.
No, let Mammy mash it out!
186
00:09:37,700 --> 00:09:40,220
Mum, gimme the masher!
Let Mammy mash it out, son.
187
00:09:40,220 --> 00:09:41,940
Mum, let go of it. No. No!
188
00:09:41,940 --> 00:09:44,060
Gimme it.
Thomas, give me that masher back!
189
00:09:44,060 --> 00:09:45,860
Leave it, leave it.
No, no, no, I won't.
190
00:09:45,860 --> 00:09:48,500
Gimme it. No, I won't.
Give it. Gimme that. I won't, Tom.
191
00:09:48,500 --> 00:09:49,980
Give me that. Now, look, Tom.
192
00:09:49,980 --> 00:09:52,540
Everyone needs a bit of advice,
sometimes in the kitchen.
193
00:09:52,540 --> 00:09:54,340
Tom, no!
Let go of it, you crazy cow! Let go!
194
00:09:54,340 --> 00:09:56,100
No! Give it to me!
195
00:09:58,940 --> 00:10:01,420
MARY BABBLES
196
00:10:01,420 --> 00:10:04,060
TOM LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
Nearly dead!
197
00:10:04,060 --> 00:10:06,700
One more blow should do it!
(Come on!)
198
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:09,140
Ahh... Let me mash, Tom.
199
00:10:09,140 --> 00:10:11,540
(Shut up!) Tom, I beg you.
200
00:10:11,540 --> 00:10:14,020
Later for dinner, is it?
Oh, go away, Tim!
201
00:10:14,020 --> 00:10:15,620
Fair enough. Mary.
202
00:10:15,620 --> 00:10:16,860
Tim.
203
00:10:16,860 --> 00:10:18,260
I live to mash!
204
00:10:18,260 --> 00:10:21,380
Please, Tom, let me!
205
00:10:22,820 --> 00:10:25,980
MUSICAL INTERLUDE
? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. ?
206
00:10:25,980 --> 00:10:30,260
BOTH GROAN
No! Gimme it! Oh, me back.
207
00:10:30,260 --> 00:10:33,380
Oh, are you cleaning down there, Mum?
208
00:10:33,380 --> 00:10:37,620
Just a little bit.
Get up. Get up, Mum!
209
00:10:37,620 --> 00:10:39,500
No, no, no! Mum, get up!
210
00:10:39,500 --> 00:10:42,020
No! Get up, Mum, get up!
211
00:10:43,300 --> 00:10:45,100
Get up! I won't, I...
212
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:48,580
Well... It's been months
since you done that to me, Tom.
213
00:10:50,460 --> 00:10:51,460
Hello, Elaine!
214
00:10:51,460 --> 00:10:54,940
Hi, I'm just a bit confused
cos I thought it was you, me,
215
00:10:54,940 --> 00:10:58,540
Helen and Brendan for dinner,
but there's your mum.
216
00:10:58,540 --> 00:11:01,860
Oh, now, purely in an advisory
capacity, Elaine.
217
00:11:01,860 --> 00:11:04,380
PAT: Can I have some of the cake?
218
00:11:04,380 --> 00:11:05,380
And your dad's here?
219
00:11:05,380 --> 00:11:08,780
TOILET FLUSHES
And, of course, Roddy.
220
00:11:08,780 --> 00:11:11,420
I'd leave that for a few minutes
if I was you.
221
00:11:12,700 --> 00:11:14,300
Oh, the beautiful Elaine.
222
00:11:14,300 --> 00:11:17,740
And look at you, you're looking
gorgeous even after a long day in the office, huh?
223
00:11:17,740 --> 00:11:21,860
Well, I've been in this suit all day
and I will NOT be using these tights again.
224
00:11:21,860 --> 00:11:23,980
Well, if you're throwing them out...
225
00:11:27,860 --> 00:11:31,100
Ah, my two favourite boys.
226
00:11:31,100 --> 00:11:33,020
Hi, Nan, Mum.
227
00:11:33,020 --> 00:11:35,220
Hi, Nan, any presents for us?
228
00:11:35,220 --> 00:11:36,700
Give your granny a kiss.
229
00:11:36,700 --> 00:11:39,340
Ooh, careful, lads. She kisses
your father with that mouth.
230
00:11:41,180 --> 00:11:43,260
No present, no kiss.
231
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,100
Can I help?
232
00:11:47,100 --> 00:11:48,380
Eh...no, thanks.
233
00:11:48,380 --> 00:11:51,260
Your help only results in me...
screaming for help.
234
00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:55,220
I was a human poo earlier, Mum.
235
00:11:56,340 --> 00:11:57,460
Dad tried to eat him.
236
00:11:58,860 --> 00:12:02,620
Do I need to hear about this or
do I NOT need to hear about this?
237
00:12:02,620 --> 00:12:06,860
You do not need to hear about this,
I've sorted it.
238
00:12:06,860 --> 00:12:09,660
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
DREW LAUGHS
239
00:12:09,660 --> 00:12:11,020
Oh, yeah!
240
00:12:15,100 --> 00:12:17,060
Well, that's all lovely, lads,
241
00:12:17,060 --> 00:12:19,300
but Mummy needs
her special medicine.
242
00:12:19,300 --> 00:12:22,500
Why don't you pop in there
and play with Grandad?
243
00:12:24,740 --> 00:12:27,540
So...finally heading off there, Mum?
244
00:12:27,540 --> 00:12:28,620
Well, not yet.
245
00:12:28,620 --> 00:12:30,900
I'm just going to check
on your father.
246
00:12:30,900 --> 00:12:32,780
Ah, who's in here?
247
00:12:32,780 --> 00:12:37,460
I like going this way, I prefer
the wallpaper on this route.
248
00:12:39,740 --> 00:12:41,500
More wine, garcon.
249
00:12:41,500 --> 00:12:45,460
Aw, oui, Madame,
250
00:12:45,460 --> 00:12:50,700
and will Madame
be passing out on the couch later?
251
00:12:50,700 --> 00:12:52,740
Bu... Probably!
252
00:12:53,940 --> 00:12:56,020
Sweets, where's the sweets, Grandad?
253
00:12:56,020 --> 00:12:58,700
Ah, now,
Grandad doesn't give you sweets.
254
00:12:58,700 --> 00:13:01,700
Fruit, you mean. Where's the fruit?
255
00:13:01,700 --> 00:13:03,900
Aah! I'll help yous, lads.
256
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:07,540
Aah, now let go, you'll...
You'll crush me Curly Wurlies!
257
00:13:09,060 --> 00:13:11,180
Relax. Curly Wurly!
258
00:13:11,180 --> 00:13:12,060
Curly Wurly!
259
00:13:12,060 --> 00:13:13,620
Wallet! Ah...
260
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:15,060
Thank you, Grandad.
261
00:13:15,060 --> 00:13:18,220
Now, I will give you
a pack of sticky spiders
262
00:13:18,220 --> 00:13:19,580
that I got in a toy shop
263
00:13:19,580 --> 00:13:21,740
if you'll do your little dance
for me later.
264
00:13:21,740 --> 00:13:22,900
Not that again?
265
00:13:24,420 --> 00:13:25,980
Not the Grandad face?
266
00:13:25,980 --> 00:13:27,780
Please?
267
00:13:27,780 --> 00:13:31,140
All right, but just once.
268
00:13:31,140 --> 00:13:33,420
Da-dah!
269
00:13:33,420 --> 00:13:35,620
Let's go on the trampoline
and throw them
270
00:13:35,620 --> 00:13:37,700
so they'll stick
and roll down the windows.
271
00:13:37,700 --> 00:13:39,900
For once, a good idea,
my little friend.
272
00:13:40,980 --> 00:13:42,500
Share them, Drew!
273
00:13:42,500 --> 00:13:46,580
Pat Whyte, what are you giving them
chocolate and rubbery spiders for?
274
00:13:46,580 --> 00:13:49,380
I'm their grandad, it's what we do.
275
00:13:49,380 --> 00:13:52,020
Well, I wish you'd slip me
a Curly Wurly now and again.
276
00:13:53,420 --> 00:13:55,500
We're far too old for that now,
Mary.
277
00:14:00,300 --> 00:14:04,260
Oh, you're a pretty handy cook, Tom.
Elaine!
278
00:14:04,260 --> 00:14:05,660
Ah, get!
279
00:14:05,660 --> 00:14:07,460
Well, you need
a bit more stock in it.
280
00:14:07,460 --> 00:14:10,460
No... I'm doing the cooking!
I'm just helping a bit.
281
00:14:10,460 --> 00:14:13,220
No, this is my meal,
I'm doing it my way.
282
00:14:13,220 --> 00:14:15,580
All right,
well, I'll call the hospital,
283
00:14:15,580 --> 00:14:17,660
put intensive care on stand-by,
shall I?
284
00:14:17,660 --> 00:14:21,260
Well, just for that,
you can give this a little taste.
285
00:14:24,380 --> 00:14:28,020
You all right there, Mary?
Don't mind me, I'm not even here.
286
00:14:28,020 --> 00:14:30,940
Mum, look,
everything's under control.
287
00:14:30,940 --> 00:14:33,260
You, Dad and Roddy can just go home.
288
00:14:33,260 --> 00:14:35,500
D'you know, I don't know what
the world is coming to.
289
00:14:35,500 --> 00:14:38,180
If the good Lord
had intended for men to cook,
290
00:14:38,180 --> 00:14:40,700
wouldn't we see them doing it
on the telly?
291
00:14:42,220 --> 00:14:46,340
I'm only glad Jesus isn't here
to see this kind of carry on.
292
00:14:46,340 --> 00:14:49,060
He'd be on Celebrity Come Dine
With Me if he was.
293
00:14:49,060 --> 00:14:52,980
Ah, now, Elaine, Jesus would only
ever do Strictly Come Dancing.
294
00:14:52,980 --> 00:14:56,540
Och, why don't you go home
and watch Strictly Come Dancing, Mum?
295
00:14:56,540 --> 00:14:57,740
No, no, son.
296
00:14:57,740 --> 00:15:01,500
I'll just look after the beef and
get the veg on nice, that's all.
297
00:15:01,500 --> 00:15:04,860
No, the beef is fine
and the veg is nice and crunchy.
298
00:15:04,860 --> 00:15:07,500
You see, you see! You don't know
what you're talking about.
299
00:15:07,500 --> 00:15:10,460
No, you have to boil the bejesus
out of your vegetables,
300
00:15:10,460 --> 00:15:13,660
so that they're nice and soft
and free of blight.
301
00:15:15,540 --> 00:15:18,460
It's not 1974, Mary.
302
00:15:18,460 --> 00:15:22,740
No, your ma's right, Tom. I remember
when we were in the Army, right? Eh, Scouts!
303
00:15:22,740 --> 00:15:25,420
When we were in the Army
we used to get a big tin, right?
304
00:15:25,420 --> 00:15:28,860
And we used to put carrots
and potatoes and onions into it
305
00:15:28,860 --> 00:15:30,620
and cook it till it was
nearly liquid.
306
00:15:30,620 --> 00:15:32,740
Eh, that's soup, Roddy.
307
00:15:32,740 --> 00:15:33,980
Aye, right enough.
308
00:15:33,980 --> 00:15:36,700
You sure you've got enough
beer cans there? Oh, yeah.
309
00:15:36,700 --> 00:15:42,100
Mary, please stop stirring the pot
and bog off out the kitchen.
310
00:15:43,340 --> 00:15:45,820
Come on, just relax.
311
00:15:45,820 --> 00:15:47,820
Come on, let's just go in and relax.
312
00:15:47,820 --> 00:15:49,500
You know, you're right.
313
00:15:49,500 --> 00:15:53,020
I will go and relax,
I'll go and scrub the toilet.
314
00:15:57,660 --> 00:16:00,380
Do we have to go tonight?
315
00:16:00,380 --> 00:16:03,540
Well, we're good Christians,
we should be able to forgive.
316
00:16:03,540 --> 00:16:05,740
Brendan, I found baked beans
in my...
317
00:16:07,860 --> 00:16:09,500
Naughty Helen!
318
00:16:09,500 --> 00:16:11,940
Flip-flops, naughty Brendan!
319
00:16:13,380 --> 00:16:15,420
Well, we forgave him for that, so...
320
00:16:15,420 --> 00:16:17,860
He put a javelin
through our bathroom window.
321
00:16:17,860 --> 00:16:19,380
And we forgave him for that.
322
00:16:19,380 --> 00:16:21,940
He set fire to the garden, Brendan.
323
00:16:23,380 --> 00:16:26,700
Well, at least the kids are nice.
DREW: Yeah, sticky spiders! Wheee!
324
00:16:26,700 --> 00:16:27,740
Aah!
325
00:16:27,740 --> 00:16:29,940
DREW: Sticky spiders!
DYLAN: Sticky spiders!
326
00:16:29,940 --> 00:16:31,980
Wheee!
327
00:16:31,980 --> 00:16:35,540
Aah! Sticky spiders, wheee!
328
00:16:35,540 --> 00:16:39,740
It's OK, it's just the one,
just the one. Aah, aah...
329
00:16:46,500 --> 00:16:47,980
Dad?
330
00:16:47,980 --> 00:16:50,660
Yeah?
Drew got sick on the trampoline.
331
00:16:50,660 --> 00:16:52,380
Oh...
332
00:16:52,380 --> 00:16:53,940
Aw!
333
00:16:55,220 --> 00:16:58,780
Are you all right, love?
Yes, just a bit of Curly Wurly.
334
00:16:58,780 --> 00:17:01,780
Aw...
Are you OK, are you sure you're fine?
335
00:17:04,620 --> 00:17:07,580
Probably start those carrots again,
Tom.
336
00:17:07,580 --> 00:17:10,740
Sit down and I'll get you
some water.
337
00:17:10,740 --> 00:17:12,180
Get him some water, Tom.
338
00:17:17,020 --> 00:17:19,340
Some water now, please.
339
00:17:19,340 --> 00:17:20,740
Here.
340
00:17:20,740 --> 00:17:23,660
Take little sips and calm down.
341
00:17:25,500 --> 00:17:26,860
I'm fine, it's gone.
342
00:17:26,860 --> 00:17:28,860
Yeah, in the pot!
343
00:17:28,860 --> 00:17:31,540
Oh, jeez. Carrots.
344
00:17:31,540 --> 00:17:33,740
What? How did you know?
345
00:17:33,740 --> 00:17:35,540
I bugged your whole house!
346
00:17:35,540 --> 00:17:37,380
Hah, joking! Or am I?
347
00:17:37,380 --> 00:17:38,740
I am. Or am I?
348
00:17:40,060 --> 00:17:42,620
DREW RETCHES
349
00:17:42,620 --> 00:17:45,140
OK, I can take a hint.
Same time for dinner tonight then?
350
00:17:45,140 --> 00:17:48,500
Still no. I'll bring a chair.
351
00:17:50,340 --> 00:17:53,980
I just went to go to the upstairs
loo and the door's jammed. Nan's stuck in there.
352
00:17:53,980 --> 00:17:56,540
Oh, bloody hell!
353
00:17:56,540 --> 00:17:58,700
That dinner's going to be muck!
354
00:17:58,700 --> 00:18:01,300
I'm not missing this. Our Mary!
355
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:04,340
Come on, Drew, this'll be fun.
Coming, Mum.
356
00:18:16,140 --> 00:18:17,700
Mwah!
357
00:18:18,820 --> 00:18:21,140
Mum! Mum!
358
00:18:21,140 --> 00:18:22,140
No answer.
359
00:18:22,140 --> 00:18:24,180
Yeah, I know that.
360
00:18:24,180 --> 00:18:25,420
Mum!
361
00:18:25,420 --> 00:18:26,980
Mum!!
362
00:18:26,980 --> 00:18:29,580
She's not answering.
Will you shut up, Roddy?!
363
00:18:29,580 --> 00:18:31,220
What's going on here?
364
00:18:31,220 --> 00:18:33,140
Mum's locked in the loo.
365
00:18:33,140 --> 00:18:35,340
Is she all right?
She's not answering.
366
00:18:35,340 --> 00:18:37,100
What? She's not answering.
367
00:18:37,100 --> 00:18:38,860
Ah, she's grand, so.
368
00:18:38,860 --> 00:18:40,820
I'll be in at the telly.
369
00:18:40,820 --> 00:18:43,180
Give us a shout
when you get the door open.
370
00:18:43,180 --> 00:18:46,740
Mum, answer the bloody door!
371
00:18:46,740 --> 00:18:49,340
Open the door, Mum.
372
00:18:49,340 --> 00:18:51,620
You're going to have to put
your shoulder to it, Tom.
373
00:18:51,620 --> 00:18:54,020
TOM SIGHS
There's no run-up.
374
00:18:54,020 --> 00:18:57,420
Use the stairs! Oh, OK.
375
00:18:59,140 --> 00:19:00,300
Move over.
376
00:19:01,940 --> 00:19:03,100
Right, OK.
377
00:19:04,460 --> 00:19:06,260
OK, Mum!
378
00:19:08,660 --> 00:19:12,260
Oh! Good man, Tom. A few more of them
and you'll have it through.
379
00:19:12,260 --> 00:19:15,220
Yeah, why don't you give it a go?
380
00:19:15,220 --> 00:19:17,980
Can't, Tom, I've got one leg longer
than the other, look at that.
381
00:19:17,980 --> 00:19:20,140
See, if I was trying to run up
those stairs, it would
382
00:19:20,140 --> 00:19:22,780
look like I was trying to get up
a conveyor belt.
383
00:19:22,780 --> 00:19:26,500
Well, we can always leave her
up there until after dinner! SHE LAUGHS
384
00:19:26,500 --> 00:19:28,660
Go, Dad, you can do it.
385
00:19:28,660 --> 00:19:32,740
Yeah, Dad! Whoo-hoo!
386
00:19:32,740 --> 00:19:34,980
OK. OK, here we go this time.
387
00:19:34,980 --> 00:19:37,860
HE INHALES DEEPLY
HE PANTS
388
00:19:37,860 --> 00:19:40,500
MUSIC: "Let Me Entertain You"
by Robbie Williams
389
00:19:40,500 --> 00:19:42,500
Oh! Aaaah!
390
00:19:42,500 --> 00:19:43,580
Go, Dad!
391
00:19:43,580 --> 00:19:45,660
ELAINE AND KIDS CHEER
392
00:19:45,660 --> 00:19:47,780
Oh!
393
00:19:47,780 --> 00:19:50,580
Come on! Come on, Dad!
Go on, go on, go on!
394
00:19:51,900 --> 00:19:53,140
Oh!
395
00:19:53,140 --> 00:19:54,780
Go on, Dad!
396
00:19:54,780 --> 00:19:56,460
Hit him, hit him!
397
00:19:56,460 --> 00:19:59,100
TOM PANTS
398
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,820
Good horsey. Oh!
399
00:20:00,820 --> 00:20:02,820
Come on, Dad! Push, Dad.
400
00:20:02,820 --> 00:20:04,980
You're pushing me, pushing me!
401
00:20:11,260 --> 00:20:14,660
Ah! I... I give...
402
00:20:14,660 --> 00:20:16,300
I give up.
403
00:20:17,780 --> 00:20:19,540
? Do it like a dude! ?
404
00:20:19,540 --> 00:20:21,780
Aah! Look, Tom.
405
00:20:21,780 --> 00:20:25,060
Will you put some toilet paper
in that main bathroom?
406
00:20:25,060 --> 00:20:28,740
I had to use your en suite
and I don't like doing my business
407
00:20:28,740 --> 00:20:30,340
so close to your bedding.
408
00:20:30,340 --> 00:20:32,220
I'll be in the kitchen.
409
00:20:32,220 --> 00:20:34,020
I'll check on the dinner.
410
00:20:34,020 --> 00:20:36,500
No, Mum, leave it!
411
00:20:36,500 --> 00:20:38,180
TOM MUTTERS
412
00:20:39,260 --> 00:20:41,420
Ah! Stay out, get out!
413
00:20:41,420 --> 00:20:42,460
No, no, Tom!
414
00:20:44,780 --> 00:20:46,260
None of you are coming in!
415
00:20:46,260 --> 00:20:48,060
Stop!
416
00:20:48,060 --> 00:20:50,660
Oh, right...
HE SHRIEKS
417
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:53,660
Wah!
418
00:20:55,860 --> 00:20:58,420
HE LAUGHS NERVOUSLY
419
00:20:58,420 --> 00:21:00,860
HE PANTS AND WHIMPERS
420
00:21:06,660 --> 00:21:08,300
Yeah!
421
00:21:16,660 --> 00:21:18,620
Here's Mammy!
422
00:21:20,020 --> 00:21:22,100
Mum... Mum, don't.
423
00:21:22,100 --> 00:21:24,580
Don't touch that dinner.
424
00:21:24,580 --> 00:21:26,340
Don't!
425
00:21:26,340 --> 00:21:27,540
Uh!
426
00:21:29,540 --> 00:21:31,100
I knew it! I knew it!
427
00:21:31,100 --> 00:21:34,140
What? Yes, that is disgusting.
428
00:21:34,140 --> 00:21:36,740
I knew you wouldn't be able
to manage it.
429
00:21:36,740 --> 00:21:39,180
What do you mean? No way!
430
00:21:39,180 --> 00:21:41,540
This is totally fine.
431
00:21:45,020 --> 00:21:48,580
It is and it's arse fine!
432
00:21:48,580 --> 00:21:50,380
I knew you wouldn't be able
to manage it.
433
00:21:50,380 --> 00:21:52,300
Mum!
434
00:21:53,860 --> 00:21:54,860
What?!
435
00:21:55,860 --> 00:21:59,140
Mary saves the day yet again.
436
00:21:59,140 --> 00:22:02,220
What are you doin' with a cooked
chicken in your handbag?!
437
00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:04,100
I mean, who does that?
438
00:22:04,100 --> 00:22:06,540
I knew you wouldn't be able
to pull it off.
439
00:22:06,540 --> 00:22:08,860
Now, hand me that umbrella there.
440
00:22:08,860 --> 00:22:09,900
Huh?
441
00:22:09,900 --> 00:22:10,900
Here.
442
00:22:17,700 --> 00:22:20,940
Uh, of course,
vegetables in the umbrella(!)
443
00:22:20,940 --> 00:22:22,660
Yeah, and what's next?
444
00:22:22,660 --> 00:22:24,620
Gravy in your tights?!
445
00:22:24,620 --> 00:22:26,740
HE SIGHS
446
00:22:30,100 --> 00:22:33,820
IRISH JIG MUSIC PLAYS
Careful, Elaine, it's for the neighbours.
447
00:22:33,820 --> 00:22:36,420
Ah, they're not going to miss
this little bit.
448
00:22:37,820 --> 00:22:39,940
"More medicine, Elaine?"
449
00:22:39,940 --> 00:22:41,380
Come on, lads.
450
00:22:41,380 --> 00:22:42,820
I love this, Roddy.
451
00:22:42,820 --> 00:22:45,380
I know, it reminds me of back home.
Are yous ready, boys?
452
00:22:45,380 --> 00:22:47,180
Yes. I'm ready.
453
00:22:47,180 --> 00:22:48,820
Right, come on then, lads.
454
00:22:48,820 --> 00:22:50,380
BOTH: # Diddle liddle liddle
liddle lid did did
455
00:22:50,380 --> 00:22:52,180
? Dee dee-dee dee-dee-dee.
456
00:22:52,180 --> 00:22:53,580
? Dee dee-dee diddle dee... ?
457
00:22:53,580 --> 00:22:55,740
That's right, lads.
458
00:22:55,740 --> 00:22:57,140
Great footwork, boys.
459
00:22:58,940 --> 00:23:02,740
I won't, no!
Let the chicken out, Tom!
460
00:23:02,740 --> 00:23:04,700
No! Let the chicken out!
461
00:23:04,700 --> 00:23:08,900
Careful of the cake, boys,
it's for the neighbours!
462
00:23:10,500 --> 00:23:14,500
No! No, let go and let it out!
463
00:23:16,780 --> 00:23:19,420
Maybe we should just tell them
I'm not well.
464
00:23:19,420 --> 00:23:21,180
We'll do it just this once.
465
00:23:21,180 --> 00:23:23,820
He is a normal chap
underneath it all.
466
00:23:23,820 --> 00:23:25,540
Aah!
467
00:23:25,540 --> 00:23:27,380
Ow!
468
00:23:27,380 --> 00:23:29,180
I suppose you're right.
469
00:23:29,180 --> 00:23:31,660
Love thy neighbour and all that.
470
00:23:31,660 --> 00:23:33,300
Aah!
471
00:23:34,860 --> 00:23:36,660
Aah!
472
00:23:39,620 --> 00:23:41,380
I hope they like
my chocolate mousse.
473
00:23:42,540 --> 00:23:44,980
Everybody loves your chocolate
mousse, Brendan.
474
00:23:47,500 --> 00:23:49,140
No, no...
475
00:23:53,300 --> 00:23:54,540
Aah!
476
00:23:56,260 --> 00:23:58,660
Aah!
477
00:23:58,660 --> 00:24:00,860
Oh...
478
00:24:00,860 --> 00:24:01,900
It's open.
479
00:24:04,700 --> 00:24:06,060
Hello?
480
00:24:07,300 --> 00:24:09,500
Hello?
481
00:24:10,540 --> 00:24:12,620
Hello!
482
00:24:12,620 --> 00:24:14,100
We brought some mousse.
483
00:24:15,460 --> 00:24:18,220
Aah!
HELEN SCREAMS
484
00:24:24,620 --> 00:24:27,140
Brought some mousse.
485
00:24:28,620 --> 00:24:31,580
Everybody loves Brendan's mousse.
486
00:24:34,060 --> 00:24:36,940
That is very nice mousse, Brendan.
487
00:24:39,020 --> 00:24:41,540
You've ruined my dinner, Mum!
Ruined it!
488
00:24:41,540 --> 00:24:43,900
Here's what I think of your mash.
Aah!
489
00:24:49,060 --> 00:24:51,740
HIGH PITCHED: Ooooh!
490
00:24:51,740 --> 00:24:53,260
Oh, my...
491
00:24:53,260 --> 00:24:55,620
I'm so sorry!
492
00:25:00,220 --> 00:25:01,900
That's OK.
493
00:25:02,860 --> 00:25:03,940
We forgive you.
494
00:25:05,460 --> 00:25:06,580
Helen?
495
00:25:11,020 --> 00:25:12,820
Ta-dah!
496
00:25:12,820 --> 00:25:15,140
Oh, piss off, Tim!
497
00:25:17,740 --> 00:25:19,380
Cheers.
498
00:25:21,620 --> 00:25:25,340
? I'm the last of the Irish Rover. ?
499
00:25:25,340 --> 00:25:28,860
MUSIC: "The Irish Rover"
by The Pogues
500
00:25:48,620 --> 00:25:51,700
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd
501
00:25:51,750 --> 00:25:56,300
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
35431
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