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1
00:00:01,240 --> 00:00:05,100
? And I love you so ?
2
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:08,300
When one experiences
a mildly-traumatic event...
3
00:00:10,240 --> 00:00:13,520
I think it pertinent
to bury oneself in one's work.
4
00:00:14,480 --> 00:00:16,980
Here we have
Bacillus anthracis.
5
00:00:17,080 --> 00:00:19,100
Very much like
Bordetella pertussis,
6
00:00:19,200 --> 00:00:20,860
it forms
a calmodulin-dependent
7
00:00:20,960 --> 00:00:23,380
adenylate cyclase toxin
known as?
8
00:00:24,880 --> 00:00:26,340
A presence
was making itself felt.
9
00:00:26,440 --> 00:00:28,380
A djinn?
A ghoul?
10
00:00:28,480 --> 00:00:31,340
Hmm, an undergrad?
11
00:00:43,400 --> 00:00:44,780
Knock, knock.
12
00:00:49,480 --> 00:00:51,540
How did you?
13
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:52,820
Listen, I told you.
14
00:00:52,920 --> 00:00:54,540
I'm not gonna play
in your group.
15
00:00:54,640 --> 00:00:56,700
We're not in a group.
Fucking hell, we're in a band.
16
00:00:56,800 --> 00:00:58,180
Think The Clash
meets Dickless,
17
00:00:58,280 --> 00:00:59,620
with a lashing of dead Barbie.
18
00:00:59,720 --> 00:01:01,780
- But a bit shit.
- Yet totally unique.
19
00:01:01,880 --> 00:01:03,820
We cordially invite you
to be in our band.
20
00:01:03,920 --> 00:01:05,900
Why?
You saw what happened.
21
00:01:06,000 --> 00:01:07,100
Puke aside,
we think you're good...
22
00:01:07,200 --> 00:01:08,180
Ish.
23
00:01:08,280 --> 00:01:09,260
Plus, bodily fluids
24
00:01:09,360 --> 00:01:10,460
are less frowned upon in punk.
25
00:01:10,560 --> 00:01:12,060
Punk?
No, sorry, I can't.
26
00:01:12,160 --> 00:01:13,780
- We know what you want.
- What?
27
00:01:13,880 --> 00:01:16,140
"Microbiology PhD student
looking for male,
28
00:01:16,240 --> 00:01:18,020
"medium to devout Muslim,
enjoys mini golf
29
00:01:18,120 --> 00:01:20,660
and stimulating conversation."
30
00:01:20,760 --> 00:01:24,700
- Oh, you're reaching.
- Reaching for the "D."
31
00:01:24,800 --> 00:01:28,380
No, no, I'm looking
for a husband to settle...
32
00:01:28,480 --> 00:01:31,900
To settle on to some "D."
33
00:01:32,000 --> 00:01:33,420
- Juvenile.
- Yup.
34
00:01:33,520 --> 00:01:36,300
Listen, audition with us
for Sound Smash,
35
00:01:36,400 --> 00:01:38,580
and Ayesha will set you up
with her brother.
36
00:01:38,680 --> 00:01:40,100
- You know Ahsan?
- Sound?what?
37
00:01:40,200 --> 00:01:43,300
Wait, Ahsan is?
is your brother?
38
00:01:46,680 --> 00:01:48,820
I'm aware of him, yes.
39
00:01:48,920 --> 00:01:51,260
What do you say?
40
00:01:56,000 --> 00:01:57,580
We struck a deal.
41
00:01:57,680 --> 00:01:59,420
The die was cast.
42
00:01:59,520 --> 00:02:01,580
The terms, simple.
43
00:02:01,680 --> 00:02:03,340
I would audition
with Lady Parts
44
00:02:03,440 --> 00:02:05,420
for this
Sound Smash competition,
45
00:02:05,520 --> 00:02:07,620
some battle of the bands
type thing,
46
00:02:07,720 --> 00:02:10,620
in exchange
for a meeting with Ahsan.
47
00:02:10,720 --> 00:02:13,300
Simple as pie.
48
00:02:15,080 --> 00:02:18,900
Hey, it's Ahsan,
Ayesha's bro.
49
00:02:21,600 --> 00:02:23,460
I was wondering
if you wanted to go for dinner
50
00:02:23,560 --> 00:02:26,540
on Wednesday night, maybe?
51
00:02:26,640 --> 00:02:29,340
Yeah, cool.
Bye.
52
00:02:34,880 --> 00:02:37,060
Nice one.
Well played.
53
00:02:37,160 --> 00:02:39,740
It's warm
with a hint of pathetic.
54
00:02:39,840 --> 00:02:41,220
Winning strategy.
55
00:02:41,320 --> 00:02:42,900
I don't understand
why I have to do this.
56
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:44,940
You wrecked her vehicle,
you owe her.
57
00:02:45,040 --> 00:02:46,540
It was barely even a scratch.
58
00:02:46,640 --> 00:02:47,860
She ain't gonna shut up
until you've done it,
59
00:02:47,960 --> 00:02:50,020
so for both of our sakes,
dine this loser.
60
00:02:50,120 --> 00:02:52,940
She seems interesting.
61
00:02:53,040 --> 00:02:54,020
Not my usual type.
62
00:02:54,120 --> 00:02:55,540
Oh, sorry,
63
00:02:55,640 --> 00:02:58,200
we're fresh out
of manipulative narcissists.
64
00:02:59,400 --> 00:03:02,140
You'll like Amina.
She's...cool.
65
00:03:04,520 --> 00:03:08,260
? And I love you so ?
66
00:03:08,360 --> 00:03:12,060
? The people ask me how ?
67
00:03:12,160 --> 00:03:14,180
? How I used to live ?
68
00:03:14,280 --> 00:03:20,260
? I tell them I don't know ?
69
00:03:20,360 --> 00:03:21,500
? And yes, I know ?
70
00:03:21,600 --> 00:03:22,980
Great, okay.
71
00:03:23,080 --> 00:03:24,660
Okay, you know what?
72
00:03:24,760 --> 00:03:26,940
Why don't you just play along
with one of our songs?
73
00:03:27,040 --> 00:03:28,380
Lyrics and chords all there.
74
00:03:28,480 --> 00:03:30,140
Let's do "Voldemort
Under My Headscarf."
75
00:03:30,240 --> 00:03:32,380
Oh, uh, sorry.
Sorry.
76
00:03:32,480 --> 00:03:35,580
Did you say "Voldemort
Under My Headscarf?"
77
00:03:35,680 --> 00:03:38,380
Yeah, you got a problem
with my lyrics?
78
00:03:38,480 --> 00:03:40,600
Your lyrics?
79
00:03:42,160 --> 00:03:44,220
No.
80
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:47,540
No, not at all.
Uh, I get it.
81
00:03:47,640 --> 00:03:51,140
It's?it's just, um, I'm not
sure people will get it.
82
00:03:51,240 --> 00:03:53,860
- Hmm?
- What do you mean?
83
00:03:53,960 --> 00:03:57,900
I don't know, uh, some people
might find it offensive.
84
00:03:58,000 --> 00:03:59,540
Well, fuck people
in their eye sockets.
85
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:02,540
We all contribute
to songwriting,
86
00:04:02,640 --> 00:04:05,060
so why don't you give us
an idea of lyrics
87
00:04:05,160 --> 00:04:07,180
that work for you?
88
00:04:07,280 --> 00:04:10,660
Yeah, okay.
Sure, um, okay.
89
00:04:10,760 --> 00:04:14,260
So, uh, maybe instead of
90
00:04:14,360 --> 00:04:16,020
"Voldemort under my headscarf,"
91
00:04:16,120 --> 00:04:19,100
you could do
"I love to wear my headscarf,"
92
00:04:19,200 --> 00:04:20,500
you know, less...
93
00:04:20,600 --> 00:04:21,900
more...yay!
I don't know.
94
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,700
Yeah, maybe?
95
00:04:23,800 --> 00:04:25,540
So like, maybe...
96
00:04:25,640 --> 00:04:28,660
? I love to wear my headscarf ?
97
00:04:28,760 --> 00:04:30,220
The lyrics!
The lyrics!
98
00:04:30,320 --> 00:04:31,420
- Calm down!
- She's dead!
99
00:04:31,520 --> 00:04:32,620
Are you mad?
100
00:04:32,720 --> 00:04:34,180
Despite my rocky start
101
00:04:34,280 --> 00:04:36,900
to band practice,
I was feeling fine,
102
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:40,340
'cause I had a date
with Ahsan.
103
00:04:40,440 --> 00:04:42,860
- Oh, wow.
- I know.
104
00:04:42,960 --> 00:04:45,140
And he messaged you
on the app?
105
00:04:45,240 --> 00:04:48,940
Yes.
Yep, on the app.
106
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:51,140
I couldn't tell Nora
about Lady Parts.
107
00:04:51,240 --> 00:04:52,620
She already thought
me teaching guitar
108
00:04:52,720 --> 00:04:54,140
wasn't entirely appropriate.
109
00:04:54,240 --> 00:04:55,380
Wow.
110
00:04:55,480 --> 00:04:57,180
I mean,
it's only a first date.
111
00:04:57,280 --> 00:04:59,780
Uh, first meeting.
112
00:04:59,880 --> 00:05:02,980
Sorry. Yes,
first meeting.
113
00:05:03,080 --> 00:05:04,700
What does he study again?
114
00:05:04,800 --> 00:05:06,900
He's doing a masters
in anthropology.
115
00:05:07,000 --> 00:05:09,900
Ooh, and he's a black belt
in jiujitsu.
116
00:05:10,000 --> 00:05:12,740
Although from his voice note
he sounds like a pacifist,
117
00:05:12,840 --> 00:05:15,260
like he would only fight
in self-defence,
118
00:05:15,360 --> 00:05:19,460
besieged on all sides,
or to protect my honour.
119
00:05:41,200 --> 00:05:43,820
You should wear pastel,
a light blue or green hijab,
120
00:05:43,920 --> 00:05:45,900
elegant and fun,
but not too fun.
121
00:05:47,240 --> 00:05:48,220
You should totally pair it
122
00:05:48,320 --> 00:05:49,780
with that nude lip I got you.
123
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,700
Um, I was thinking of wearing
the red hijab
124
00:05:52,800 --> 00:05:54,340
and pairing it
with the pink lip.
125
00:05:54,440 --> 00:05:56,020
The red is my lucky hijab,
so I?
126
00:05:56,120 --> 00:05:58,300
I'm telling you,
do not wear the red.
127
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:00,540
Brings out your shame.
128
00:06:00,640 --> 00:06:02,700
Oh.
129
00:06:02,800 --> 00:06:04,140
I don't know she's, like,
130
00:06:04,240 --> 00:06:05,700
pure potential,
you know what I mean?
131
00:06:05,800 --> 00:06:07,380
She's just, like, mad skilful,
132
00:06:07,480 --> 00:06:09,300
but doesn't really know it,
a total freak,
133
00:06:09,400 --> 00:06:11,820
but in a really normal
person way, you know?
134
00:06:11,920 --> 00:06:13,420
Yeah, yeah, totally.
She's like really deep,
135
00:06:13,520 --> 00:06:15,060
but in a shallow way.
136
00:06:15,160 --> 00:06:17,340
And she's got lots of width
and breadth going on,
137
00:06:17,440 --> 00:06:19,740
like angles, angles, angles.
138
00:06:19,840 --> 00:06:21,740
- It's all about the angles.
- Fuck you.
139
00:06:21,840 --> 00:06:24,500
I'm sorry.
It's just...
140
00:06:24,600 --> 00:06:27,460
I'm jealous of this
Amina person, man.
141
00:06:27,560 --> 00:06:29,460
She's clearly got you
all hot and bothered.
142
00:06:29,560 --> 00:06:30,940
Oh, no.
143
00:06:31,040 --> 00:06:33,060
You're the only person
who could do that.
144
00:06:33,160 --> 00:06:34,420
Okay, okay.
145
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:35,860
Yeah, but Amina, Amina,
I love you?
146
00:06:35,960 --> 00:06:37,180
- Oh, shut up!
- Saira was convinced
147
00:06:37,280 --> 00:06:38,820
that I was the missing link,
148
00:06:38,920 --> 00:06:41,340
but the others, not so much.
149
00:06:41,440 --> 00:06:44,800
Salaams, everyone.
Sorry I'm late.
150
00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,700
Okay.
Meeting is now in session.
151
00:06:48,800 --> 00:06:51,600
- What's going on?
- Why you being all secretive?
152
00:06:54,360 --> 00:06:56,540
We need to talk
band strategy.
153
00:06:56,640 --> 00:06:58,820
Saira is our great leader
and front-woman,
154
00:06:58,920 --> 00:07:01,100
so we've got to entertain
her fanciful ideas,
155
00:07:01,200 --> 00:07:04,980
but we all know this
Amina thing isn't gonna fly
156
00:07:05,080 --> 00:07:06,420
if we wanna get into
Sound Smash.
157
00:07:06,520 --> 00:07:09,380
And what were you thinking?
158
00:07:09,480 --> 00:07:13,540
Lady Parts online presence.
159
00:07:13,640 --> 00:07:16,140
Have you asked Saira
about this?
160
00:07:16,240 --> 00:07:17,820
No, not yet.
161
00:07:17,920 --> 00:07:20,260
But anyway, I'm the band
manager, not Saira.
162
00:07:20,360 --> 00:07:22,740
It's up to me to get us some
profile and get us some gigs.
163
00:07:22,840 --> 00:07:25,140
So yeah, we're...
164
00:07:25,240 --> 00:07:26,780
we're going online.
165
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:29,820
Auntie Saira is going
to be angry.
166
00:07:37,760 --> 00:07:39,460
There is more to life
than husbands, you know?
167
00:07:39,560 --> 00:07:40,820
Ma, please,
I'm not in the mood.
168
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,500
You know, I mean,
you go chasing
169
00:07:42,600 --> 00:07:44,700
all these serious brothers,
but do you ever think
170
00:07:44,800 --> 00:07:47,820
for a second,
will they care for your needs?
171
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:51,340
- What?
- You know, in the bedroom,
172
00:07:51,440 --> 00:07:54,700
your feminine requirements,
wink, wink, nudge, nudge.
173
00:07:54,800 --> 00:07:57,900
Okay, this is inappropriate,
grossly inappropriate.
174
00:07:58,000 --> 00:08:00,180
It is my parental duty
to talk openly
175
00:08:00,280 --> 00:08:02,340
- about the bees and the trees.
- Mm, no.
176
00:08:02,440 --> 00:08:04,100
No, it's not, Ma,
no one's parents do that.
177
00:08:04,200 --> 00:08:06,140
Well, I won't be blamed
then if you run off to Syria
178
00:08:06,240 --> 00:08:08,780
to marry a jihadi because
we didn't have "the talk."
179
00:08:08,880 --> 00:08:10,980
If I ever run off to Syria
to marry a jihadi,
180
00:08:11,080 --> 00:08:12,260
it'll be because I ran away
from you.
181
00:08:12,360 --> 00:08:13,620
No.
182
00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:15,980
Who's marrying a jihadi?
183
00:08:25,440 --> 00:08:27,020
Okay.
184
00:08:30,760 --> 00:08:32,460
- Hi.
- Hi.
185
00:08:32,560 --> 00:08:35,580
- Oh, that's really nice.
Thank you.
186
00:08:35,680 --> 00:08:38,060
No worries.
187
00:08:43,880 --> 00:08:45,340
So have you come from far?
188
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:49,300
No, just, you know,
White Chapel Way.
189
00:08:49,400 --> 00:08:51,260
He was even more ravishing
in the flesh.
190
00:08:51,360 --> 00:08:52,660
I think I saw you
at the fundraiser.
191
00:08:52,760 --> 00:08:53,660
We don't have
to talk about that.
192
00:08:53,760 --> 00:08:55,760
Sure.
193
00:08:57,600 --> 00:08:59,740
So, uh, where are you from?
194
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:01,740
Where am I from?
195
00:09:01,840 --> 00:09:03,500
That's a big question,
you know?
196
00:09:03,600 --> 00:09:06,140
Where am I from, from?
Where am I from, from?
197
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:08,100
I'm so sorry.
I didn't mean to?
198
00:09:08,200 --> 00:09:09,580
I know that's really annoying.
199
00:09:09,680 --> 00:09:12,100
- I-I'm just messing.
- Right.
200
00:09:12,200 --> 00:09:13,900
Funny.
201
00:09:14,000 --> 00:09:15,580
- Uh, originally from Iraq.
- Oh.
202
00:09:15,680 --> 00:09:18,300
A descendant
of Babylonian kings, no less.
203
00:09:18,400 --> 00:09:20,060
But I grew up
in Shepherd's Bush.
204
00:09:20,160 --> 00:09:21,660
- Huh.
- I'm a West London boy.
205
00:09:21,760 --> 00:09:23,540
Who knew three simple words
206
00:09:23,640 --> 00:09:25,980
could cause
such netherward stirring?
207
00:09:26,080 --> 00:09:29,220
West London boy.
208
00:09:29,320 --> 00:09:30,740
- You go to Queen Mary's too.
- Mm-hmm.
209
00:09:30,840 --> 00:09:31,780
I don't think
I've seen you around.
210
00:09:31,880 --> 00:09:33,540
Mmm, no.
211
00:09:33,640 --> 00:09:35,980
Um, I haven't really
clocked you either, ever.
212
00:09:36,080 --> 00:09:39,380
Ayesha mentioned you're doing
a PhD in microbiology.
213
00:09:39,480 --> 00:09:42,180
Yeah.
Yes, I am.
214
00:09:42,280 --> 00:09:43,660
It sounds really dry,
doesn't it?
215
00:09:43,760 --> 00:09:45,800
I think it's cool.
216
00:09:46,960 --> 00:09:48,380
What's your area?
217
00:09:48,480 --> 00:09:50,420
Pathogen activity.
218
00:09:50,520 --> 00:09:51,980
I think humanity has
greatly underestimated
219
00:09:52,080 --> 00:09:53,580
the clout of the microbe.
220
00:09:53,680 --> 00:09:55,940
"The Clout of the Microbe,"
what a great film.
221
00:09:56,040 --> 00:09:58,460
What?
222
00:09:58,560 --> 00:10:01,300
It was a bad joke.
223
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:02,940
Humour.
224
00:10:03,040 --> 00:10:06,360
It's?
225
00:10:08,560 --> 00:10:12,140
So, uh, how's the, um,
anthropology going?
226
00:10:12,240 --> 00:10:13,660
Uh, good. Thanks.
227
00:10:13,760 --> 00:10:15,180
I'm currently looking at
tribalism
228
00:10:15,280 --> 00:10:17,140
and pack mentality
in the modern man.
229
00:10:17,240 --> 00:10:20,380
- This sounds fascinating.
- I think it is.
230
00:10:20,480 --> 00:10:21,540
Marry me.
231
00:10:21,640 --> 00:10:22,940
- Should we order?
- I do.
232
00:10:23,040 --> 00:10:25,240
I mean, we should, yeah.
233
00:10:26,480 --> 00:10:29,340
He's just so beautiful.
234
00:10:29,440 --> 00:10:30,860
How is it possible?
I don't understand.
235
00:10:30,960 --> 00:10:32,740
Okay.
Keep it together, soldier.
236
00:10:32,840 --> 00:10:34,620
- Pretty isn't everything.
- Mm-hmm.
237
00:10:34,720 --> 00:10:37,420
Pretty doesn't pay the bills.
Pretty doesn't feed the kids.
238
00:10:37,520 --> 00:10:38,820
- Yeah.
- Now, listen.
239
00:10:38,920 --> 00:10:40,500
If you wanna close the deal,
240
00:10:40,600 --> 00:10:43,260
you need to show him
you ain't putty in his hands.
241
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,900
You've got criteria.
242
00:10:46,000 --> 00:10:48,060
I do?
243
00:10:48,160 --> 00:10:50,900
- It's really tasty.
- Yeah, super yum.
244
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:53,580
Uh, so, um, question.
245
00:10:53,680 --> 00:10:56,900
Uh, what sort of thing
are you looking for?
246
00:10:57,000 --> 00:10:58,580
Looking for?
247
00:10:58,680 --> 00:11:02,860
Uh, seeking, apropos of
potential persons of interest.
248
00:11:02,960 --> 00:11:06,140
- You mean romantically?
- Sure.
249
00:11:06,240 --> 00:11:08,100
I don't know.
250
00:11:08,200 --> 00:11:11,060
I guess I'm just looking to
meet like-minded individuals
251
00:11:11,160 --> 00:11:12,980
and see how it goes.
252
00:11:13,080 --> 00:11:14,580
Are you open
to further developments,
253
00:11:14,680 --> 00:11:17,340
vis-�-vis meeting
like-minded individuals?
254
00:11:17,440 --> 00:11:18,820
- I don't understand.
- Marriage.
255
00:11:18,920 --> 00:11:20,540
Are you?are you fond
of the concept?
256
00:11:20,640 --> 00:11:22,260
Obvs, I'm not just saying
that we, you know...
257
00:11:23,640 --> 00:11:27,020
General thoughts welcome.
258
00:11:27,120 --> 00:11:29,900
I mean...
259
00:11:30,000 --> 00:11:35,100
I have not hitherto sought
any nuptial arrangements
260
00:11:35,200 --> 00:11:38,860
given my current
academic engagements.
261
00:11:38,960 --> 00:11:40,220
Oh, sure.
262
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:42,700
But I don't find
the institution
263
00:11:42,800 --> 00:11:46,740
morally objectionable
or anything.
264
00:11:46,840 --> 00:11:48,580
You?
265
00:11:48,680 --> 00:11:50,300
Me, marriage?
Yeah, big fan.
266
00:11:50,400 --> 00:11:52,340
Obvs, not like an intense...
267
00:11:52,440 --> 00:11:53,980
Kind of way?like, in a
yeah, one day, soon.
268
00:11:54,080 --> 00:11:56,260
Yeah.
Yeah.
269
00:11:56,360 --> 00:11:57,460
More chicken?
270
00:12:04,440 --> 00:12:05,740
So how do you think
that date's going?
271
00:12:05,840 --> 00:12:07,140
Fuck knows.
272
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,100
She might have proposed
to him by now.
273
00:12:09,200 --> 00:12:11,220
She's going in for a husband.
It's kind of intense.
274
00:12:12,880 --> 00:12:15,460
I mean, what's wrong with
wanting to get married?
275
00:12:15,560 --> 00:12:17,260
For one, marriage
was invented by men
276
00:12:17,360 --> 00:12:19,540
as a way of making alliances
with other men.
277
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:21,020
"Here, marry my daughter
and I'll give you
278
00:12:21,120 --> 00:12:23,340
a couple of camels
and this cheese bread."
279
00:12:23,440 --> 00:12:25,020
Cheese bread?
280
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,580
It's a tool
of the patriarchy.
281
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:29,100
That's just my opinion.
282
00:12:29,200 --> 00:12:30,900
People should do
what they like.
283
00:12:31,000 --> 00:12:33,380
What do you think about us?
284
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,980
Us?
285
00:12:36,080 --> 00:12:39,780
Yeah, it's been
six months of this,
286
00:12:39,880 --> 00:12:42,420
and I'd like us to be official.
287
00:12:42,520 --> 00:12:44,700
Official, huh?
Official how?
288
00:12:44,800 --> 00:12:46,140
Dating.
289
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:49,140
I mean,
official capacity dating.
290
00:12:49,240 --> 00:12:50,660
Okay.
Then what?
291
00:12:50,760 --> 00:12:54,300
What then post-official
capacity dating?
292
00:12:59,960 --> 00:13:03,440
It's impossible to have
a conversation with you.
293
00:13:05,160 --> 00:13:08,680
You gotta be
fucking kidding.
294
00:13:14,080 --> 00:13:17,060
Um, I had fun.
295
00:13:17,160 --> 00:13:20,180
My bus stop is just...
over yonder.
296
00:13:20,280 --> 00:13:23,940
Yonder, that's funny.
297
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,940
- I bid you adieu.
- Oh!
298
00:13:31,480 --> 00:13:33,500
I wasn't sure physical contact
299
00:13:33,600 --> 00:13:35,740
was entirely appropriate,
300
00:13:35,840 --> 00:13:38,020
but brazenly, I went for it.
301
00:13:39,480 --> 00:13:40,980
- Oh, okay.
- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry.
302
00:13:41,080 --> 00:13:43,860
Bye!
303
00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:46,740
The evening's events
304
00:13:46,840 --> 00:13:48,340
played in my mind,
305
00:13:48,440 --> 00:13:51,500
repetitious
in nightmarish Technicolor.
306
00:13:55,120 --> 00:13:57,340
Every little stupid thing
I said and did
307
00:13:57,440 --> 00:14:01,140
ripping into my retina
with violent glee until...
308
00:14:29,440 --> 00:14:32,120
Oh, shit.
309
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:49,340
How'd it go?
What happened?
310
00:14:49,440 --> 00:14:50,900
Spill your guts.
311
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,380
He was really nice and kind.
312
00:14:53,480 --> 00:14:55,100
He thinks I'm cool.
313
00:14:55,200 --> 00:14:57,060
He hoped I got home okay.
314
00:14:57,160 --> 00:14:58,300
And he wants to hang out again!
315
00:14:59,880 --> 00:15:02,740
This all felt really,
really good.
316
00:15:02,840 --> 00:15:05,340
Sad and lonely spinster
no more.
317
00:15:05,440 --> 00:15:08,620
Desirable male hoped
I got home okay.
318
00:15:08,720 --> 00:15:11,500
You should totally invite
Ahsan to my engagement party.
319
00:15:11,600 --> 00:15:14,060
Really?
It's still pretty early.
320
00:15:14,160 --> 00:15:15,980
Babe, it's fine, you met him
on the marriage app.
321
00:15:16,080 --> 00:15:17,300
He knows the deal.
322
00:15:17,400 --> 00:15:18,820
I'll speak to Imran,
323
00:15:18,920 --> 00:15:21,700
but I'm sure
he'll be cool with it.
324
00:15:21,800 --> 00:15:23,660
Okay!
325
00:15:23,760 --> 00:15:25,960
How'd it go?
326
00:15:29,720 --> 00:15:30,820
Can I get
some privacy please?
327
00:15:30,920 --> 00:15:33,300
- No.
- How'd it go?
328
00:15:33,400 --> 00:15:36,560
- She's nice.
- So do you fancy her?
329
00:15:38,080 --> 00:15:40,780
She's not really my type.
She's intense.
330
00:15:40,880 --> 00:15:41,980
You friend-zoned her, yeah?
331
00:15:48,360 --> 00:15:50,780
She's inviting me
to an engagement party.
332
00:15:50,880 --> 00:15:53,140
- Guess not, then.
- You've gotta go.
333
00:15:53,240 --> 00:15:55,340
He can't go.
That'd be leading her on.
334
00:15:55,440 --> 00:15:56,700
You just don't want her
in the band.
335
00:15:56,800 --> 00:15:58,060
No, I just think
it's fucking wrong
336
00:15:58,160 --> 00:15:59,380
to deceive her like that.
337
00:15:59,480 --> 00:16:01,540
Even massive dweebs
have rights, man.
338
00:16:01,640 --> 00:16:03,180
Maybe lead her
on just a little,
339
00:16:03,280 --> 00:16:04,980
until we audition
for Sound Smash.
340
00:16:05,080 --> 00:16:06,580
Hold on, no.
That's cold.
341
00:16:06,680 --> 00:16:07,940
Saira, no wonder Abdullah's
342
00:16:08,040 --> 00:16:09,220
on the verge
of a mental breakdown.
343
00:16:09,320 --> 00:16:10,540
You're fucking heartless.
344
00:16:10,640 --> 00:16:12,580
Friend-zone her.
345
00:16:12,680 --> 00:16:16,320
I'm not heartless, am I?
346
00:16:19,320 --> 00:16:21,520
Guys, do you mind?
347
00:16:34,000 --> 00:16:35,460
- Ow.
- There.
348
00:16:35,560 --> 00:16:37,380
We're official.
349
00:16:37,480 --> 00:16:40,800
I've just officiated us
into...officialdom.
350
00:16:45,320 --> 00:16:47,320
Okay.
351
00:16:48,360 --> 00:16:50,700
All right.
I'm gonna fuck off now.
352
00:16:50,800 --> 00:16:53,120
Bye, girlfriend.
Love you!
353
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:04,860
What's going on?
354
00:17:04,960 --> 00:17:06,380
We don't start
for another hour.
355
00:17:06,480 --> 00:17:10,140
We just wanted to have
a little parlay.
356
00:17:10,240 --> 00:17:13,080
Why don't you sit down?
357
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:18,180
Go on then, parlay.
358
00:17:18,280 --> 00:17:20,540
Lady Parts
is officially online.
359
00:17:20,640 --> 00:17:23,060
I've put band profiles up
on Facebook, Twitter?
360
00:17:23,160 --> 00:17:25,180
- You did what?
- This is not a dictatorship.
361
00:17:25,280 --> 00:17:27,340
Come on, what's the harm
in trying social media?
362
00:17:27,440 --> 00:17:28,980
We tried your Amina thing.
363
00:17:29,080 --> 00:17:31,180
How many times do we have
to go through this?
364
00:17:31,280 --> 00:17:34,300
The Internet is where
creativity and truth go to die.
365
00:17:34,400 --> 00:17:35,380
Ugh.
366
00:17:35,480 --> 00:17:36,980
If you put our music online,
367
00:17:37,080 --> 00:17:39,060
it'll be ripped off
by "insert corporation here"
368
00:17:39,160 --> 00:17:41,260
to sell Pop-Tarts and iPads,
369
00:17:41,360 --> 00:17:43,580
to fentanyl-sniffing infants
with the sole purpose
370
00:17:43,680 --> 00:17:45,860
of lining the pockets
of Silicon Valley technocrats.
371
00:17:45,960 --> 00:17:47,620
- Fuck that!
- Yeah, fuck that!
372
00:17:47,720 --> 00:17:49,740
- Bro, seriously.
- No, I'm sorry.
373
00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:52,300
Listen, we'll audition.
We'll get in.
374
00:17:52,400 --> 00:17:54,660
And we'll find our audience
by playing.
375
00:17:54,760 --> 00:17:56,940
We'll take our music
to the people the purest way.
376
00:17:57,040 --> 00:17:58,100
Well, you don't get
to the audition
377
00:17:58,200 --> 00:17:59,660
if you can't pull a crowd.
378
00:17:59,760 --> 00:18:01,540
We need a following.
379
00:18:01,640 --> 00:18:04,020
No.
Take us off now.
380
00:18:04,120 --> 00:18:06,660
We've already got
30 followers.
381
00:18:06,760 --> 00:18:09,380
Look at them.
They're us.
382
00:18:09,480 --> 00:18:11,060
Younger us's when
we didn't even know
383
00:18:11,160 --> 00:18:14,120
Peeps suckers even existed.
384
00:18:19,880 --> 00:18:22,020
This is temporary.
385
00:18:24,680 --> 00:18:26,540
As the days went by,
386
00:18:26,640 --> 00:18:30,140
news of my successful match
with the Ahsan spread rapidly.
387
00:18:30,240 --> 00:18:32,860
Every sister and their sheikh
knew about it.
388
00:18:32,960 --> 00:18:35,180
I was no longer
a washed-up loser.
389
00:18:35,280 --> 00:18:37,580
I was a woman in her power.
390
00:18:37,680 --> 00:18:39,820
And a woman in her power walks
391
00:18:39,920 --> 00:18:42,860
with a certain bossy swagger.
392
00:18:51,640 --> 00:18:54,580
Hey, I'm sorry,
should have been clear.
393
00:18:54,680 --> 00:18:57,420
I really like you, but just,
you know, as a friend.
394
00:18:57,520 --> 00:18:58,820
Probably not a great idea
to come
395
00:18:58,920 --> 00:19:00,380
to your friend's
engagement party.
396
00:19:00,480 --> 00:19:02,420
It was great to meet you.
397
00:19:02,520 --> 00:19:05,460
It's Ahsan, by the way.
398
00:19:05,560 --> 00:19:07,300
Yo.
Oh, shit.
399
00:19:09,680 --> 00:19:11,020
- Oof.
- Okay.
400
00:19:11,120 --> 00:19:12,740
Cool.
401
00:19:12,840 --> 00:19:14,020
Let's go.
402
00:19:14,120 --> 00:19:15,940
Let's go.
Let's go.
403
00:19:16,040 --> 00:19:17,500
"Voldemort Under My Headscarf."
404
00:19:17,600 --> 00:19:20,380
I-I had some ideas.
405
00:19:20,480 --> 00:19:22,380
- Wanna talk about it?
- Nah.
406
00:19:22,480 --> 00:19:23,700
It?
What it?
407
00:19:23,800 --> 00:19:25,300
We're sorry
it didn't work out.
408
00:19:25,400 --> 00:19:29,020
Mmm, it, it, it?
uh, there isn't even an it.
409
00:19:29,120 --> 00:19:30,380
We met once.
410
00:19:30,480 --> 00:19:33,300
I don't know him.
What it, right?
411
00:19:33,400 --> 00:19:35,900
The only it that exists
is the it in my head.
412
00:19:36,000 --> 00:19:37,900
The made-up stupid, fantasy it
413
00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:42,380
that only exists in my silly
little girl head, right?
414
00:19:42,480 --> 00:19:45,060
How does it become
so big so fast?
415
00:19:45,160 --> 00:19:46,740
What kind of nobody
lets that happen?
416
00:19:46,840 --> 00:19:48,860
This girl!
417
00:19:48,960 --> 00:19:50,860
You're looking at her.
418
00:19:50,960 --> 00:19:53,020
- You're not a nobody.
- Oh, come on, you knew, right?
419
00:19:53,120 --> 00:19:55,660
You knew she's a thirsty nobody
that will jump
420
00:19:55,760 --> 00:19:57,540
if you dangle any passable
male in front of her.
421
00:19:57,640 --> 00:20:00,380
You knew that I couldn't resist
Ahsan when you offered him up.
422
00:20:00,480 --> 00:20:01,980
That is my problem.
423
00:20:02,080 --> 00:20:06,620
I-I lose my mind over every
Bashir with a good beard
424
00:20:06,720 --> 00:20:09,300
that smiles at me, you know?
425
00:20:09,400 --> 00:20:10,380
Sorry.
426
00:20:10,480 --> 00:20:14,060
Bashir with a good beard.
427
00:20:14,160 --> 00:20:16,760
- That's brilliant.
- What?
428
00:20:20,880 --> 00:20:22,580
? Why won't you love me? ?
429
00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,780
? Why won't you text me back? ?
430
00:20:25,880 --> 00:20:27,540
? Leave me on read ?
431
00:20:27,640 --> 00:20:30,620
? Ghost me like I'm dead ?
432
00:20:30,720 --> 00:20:32,820
? Are my clothes too tight? ?
433
00:20:32,920 --> 00:20:34,980
? Do I laugh too much? ?
434
00:20:35,080 --> 00:20:40,300
? You say I'm not polite,
I say fuck you very much ?
435
00:20:42,640 --> 00:20:44,100
? Bashir with a good beard ?
436
00:20:44,200 --> 00:20:46,060
? You're so pretty,
you're so pretty ?
437
00:20:46,160 --> 00:20:47,340
? You're so pretty ?
438
00:20:47,440 --> 00:20:48,980
? Bashir with a good beard ?
439
00:20:49,080 --> 00:20:51,820
? You say you think
I'm weird ?
440
00:20:51,920 --> 00:20:53,780
? Bashir with a good beard ?
441
00:20:53,880 --> 00:20:55,380
? Won't you love me? ?
442
00:20:55,480 --> 00:20:56,700
? Won't you love me?
Won't you love me? ?
443
00:20:56,800 --> 00:20:58,540
? Bashir with a good beard ?
444
00:20:58,640 --> 00:21:01,140
? You're gonna disappear ?
445
00:21:11,240 --> 00:21:13,260
? We'll have two sons ?
446
00:21:13,360 --> 00:21:15,940
? Bilal and Hala ?
? Nasir and Hussein ?
447
00:21:16,040 --> 00:21:18,940
? We'll watch "Bake Off"
and eat KFC ?
448
00:21:19,040 --> 00:21:20,180
Halal!
449
00:21:20,280 --> 00:21:21,900
? Are my clothes too tight? ?
450
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:23,340
Yeah!
451
00:21:23,440 --> 00:21:25,220
? Do I laugh too much? ?
- Yeah!
452
00:21:25,320 --> 00:21:27,620
? You say I'm not polite,
I say ?
453
00:21:27,720 --> 00:21:30,380
? Fuck you very much ?
454
00:21:32,680 --> 00:21:34,660
? Bashir with a good beard ?
455
00:21:34,760 --> 00:21:36,260
? You're so pretty,
you're so pretty ?
456
00:21:36,360 --> 00:21:39,940
Something momentous
happened that day.
457
00:21:40,040 --> 00:21:43,420
I, with Lady Parts,
had penned a punk anthem
458
00:21:43,520 --> 00:21:46,900
shorn from the fabric
of my life.
459
00:21:47,000 --> 00:21:49,020
I had never written
a song before.
460
00:21:49,120 --> 00:21:51,700
? You're gonna disappear ?
461
00:22:27,920 --> 00:22:29,980
- That was sick.
- That was so sick!
462
00:22:30,080 --> 00:22:31,460
- What did I tell you?
- Oh, my gosh.
463
00:22:31,560 --> 00:22:32,600
- What did I tell you?
- What did she tell you?
464
00:22:32,680 --> 00:22:33,940
Amina, that was sick, man.
465
00:22:34,040 --> 00:22:35,740
It was all right.
466
00:22:38,840 --> 00:22:40,620
Even though I had been
unceremoniously
467
00:22:40,720 --> 00:22:42,420
friend-zoned by Ahsan,
468
00:22:42,520 --> 00:22:44,700
I felt different after playing
with Lady Parts.
469
00:22:44,800 --> 00:22:47,700
Lighter?I don't know, braver.
470
00:22:47,800 --> 00:22:51,020
Okay, so I spoke to Imran,
and he's totally cool with you
471
00:22:51,120 --> 00:22:52,780
bringing Ahsan
to the engagement party.
472
00:22:52,880 --> 00:22:54,140
You are welcome.
Yay.
473
00:22:54,240 --> 00:22:55,620
Yay!
474
00:22:55,720 --> 00:22:57,500
- Yay!
- That is so great.
475
00:22:57,600 --> 00:23:00,180
Okay, so, um, bravery
wasn't quite there,
476
00:23:00,280 --> 00:23:02,540
but come on, what can I say?
477
00:23:02,640 --> 00:23:04,940
Crusty spinster
back in business,
478
00:23:05,040 --> 00:23:07,700
massive loser
back on the shelf.
479
00:23:07,800 --> 00:23:10,140
You and Ahsan are gonna have
the cutest babies.
480
00:23:10,240 --> 00:23:11,860
We literally cannot wait
to meet him.
481
00:23:11,960 --> 00:23:13,980
Literally gagging
to meet him.
482
00:23:14,080 --> 00:23:15,580
I wish I could
tell them the truth.
483
00:23:15,680 --> 00:23:18,980
Yeah, I'm literally gagging
for you to meet him too.
484
00:23:19,080 --> 00:23:20,900
But I couldn't.
485
00:23:21,000 --> 00:23:23,320
Okay, so Saturday,
you'll both be there?
486
00:23:25,080 --> 00:23:26,620
Deffo, both of us.
487
00:23:26,720 --> 00:23:29,740
Me and him.
Me and my man.
488
00:23:29,840 --> 00:23:31,300
Mm?
489
00:23:31,400 --> 00:23:33,140
I mean,
potential future spouse.
490
00:23:33,240 --> 00:23:34,580
Inshallah.
491
00:23:34,680 --> 00:23:36,100
So what's the colour palette
for the wedding?
492
00:23:36,200 --> 00:23:37,460
What is his style?
493
00:23:37,560 --> 00:23:38,660
His eye colour,
brown or green?
494
00:23:38,760 --> 00:23:40,020
And how tall is he?
495
00:23:40,120 --> 00:23:41,740
Is he taller than that?
34946
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