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1
00:00:02,038 --> 00:00:03,608
Thank you all for being here.
2
00:00:03,674 --> 00:00:06,384
I know we're all tired
and anxious,
3
00:00:06,446 --> 00:00:09,416
but now is the most important
time for all of us
4
00:00:09,486 --> 00:00:12,856
to put in the hard work
of bending the curve.
5
00:00:12,926 --> 00:00:17,436
I know a lot of you think
the worst is behind us.
6
00:00:17,502 --> 00:00:19,842
I know summer is approaching.
7
00:00:19,907 --> 00:00:23,377
You all want to go out
dressed in light clothing,
8
00:00:23,447 --> 00:00:25,247
show some skin.
9
00:00:25,317 --> 00:00:27,487
But I cannot stress enough
10
00:00:27,555 --> 00:00:32,265
how that behavior will increase
the number of New Yorkers
11
00:00:32,331 --> 00:00:34,641
who will be sexually harassed
by me.
12
00:00:34,702 --> 00:00:37,412
Let's look at this
first slide, please.
13
00:00:37,475 --> 00:00:39,675
All right, as you can see,
14
00:00:39,747 --> 00:00:43,347
since I was first accused
of inappropriate behavior
15
00:00:43,420 --> 00:00:44,890
back in late February,
16
00:00:44,957 --> 00:00:48,027
there was at first a spike
in accusations.
17
00:00:48,096 --> 00:00:52,266
And I think all of us worried
that there was no end in sight.
18
00:00:52,338 --> 00:00:54,478
Next slide.
19
00:00:54,542 --> 00:00:58,652
But we were lucky enough
to see an inevitable decline
20
00:00:58,717 --> 00:01:01,617
as more women became aware
of the situation
21
00:01:01,690 --> 00:01:04,260
and kept a safe distance
from me.
22
00:01:04,329 --> 00:01:06,129
Next slide.
23
00:01:06,199 --> 00:01:08,599
Okay, now it gets scary.
24
00:01:08,670 --> 00:01:12,750
We now see our new and, yes,
more frightening variant.
25
00:01:12,813 --> 00:01:15,623
This variant was not seen
in the past,
26
00:01:15,684 --> 00:01:19,134
but as my sexual harassment
continued unchecked,
27
00:01:19,192 --> 00:01:20,632
I became bored,
28
00:01:20,694 --> 00:01:23,804
and so I introduced some
new moves into my repertoire,
29
00:01:23,868 --> 00:01:26,638
which now include
sneaking up behind a woman
30
00:01:26,706 --> 00:01:28,506
whom I'm meeting
for the first time
31
00:01:28,577 --> 00:01:31,377
and whispering, "Cara mia,"
into her ear
32
00:01:31,449 --> 00:01:34,159
close enough
that her ear feels moist.
33
00:01:34,222 --> 00:01:35,762
Next slide.
34
00:01:35,825 --> 00:01:38,825
Okay, how do we flatten
the curve?
35
00:01:38,898 --> 00:01:43,808
Number one staying six feet
away from me at all times.
36
00:01:43,875 --> 00:01:47,475
I know some of you are thinking
you can get closer than six feet
37
00:01:47,548 --> 00:01:50,888
if you're standing behind me
because I can't see you.
38
00:01:50,956 --> 00:01:54,826
Trust me, I know you're there,
and I'm ready to pounce.
39
00:01:54,897 --> 00:01:56,827
And only in a matter
of seconds
40
00:01:56,901 --> 00:01:58,701
a New York minute,
if you will
41
00:01:58,771 --> 00:02:00,611
you will have added
to the number,
42
00:02:00,674 --> 00:02:02,554
all because
you couldn't be bothered
43
00:02:02,611 --> 00:02:05,181
to stand six feet away from me.
44
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:06,520
Next slide.
45
00:02:06,586 --> 00:02:10,426
Also, you must keep a mask on
at all times,
46
00:02:10,494 --> 00:02:13,234
particularly
if you have plump lips
47
00:02:13,300 --> 00:02:15,370
or a sultry pout.
48
00:02:15,437 --> 00:02:16,907
Look, guys, II understand.
49
00:02:16,974 --> 00:02:20,514
Everyone wants to go out
and return to normalcy.
50
00:02:20,581 --> 00:02:21,981
But you have to be realistic.
51
00:02:22,051 --> 00:02:25,561
That means covering your mouth,
staying distant,
52
00:02:25,624 --> 00:02:27,734
not making eye contact with me,
53
00:02:27,796 --> 00:02:29,766
and I know you don't like
the stairs,
54
00:02:29,833 --> 00:02:33,213
but it's better than getting
caught with me in an elevator.
55
00:02:33,273 --> 00:02:36,353
Do not get in an elevator
with me.
56
00:02:36,413 --> 00:02:38,153
Next slide.
57
00:02:38,216 --> 00:02:44,296
♪♪
58
00:02:44,362 --> 00:02:46,632
The rules have changed,
Mandalorian,
59
00:02:46,699 --> 00:02:49,509
but your friend Cara Dune
refused to adapt,
60
00:02:49,572 --> 00:02:51,382
and now she is gone.
61
00:02:51,443 --> 00:02:52,953
You'll need a new ally,
62
00:02:53,013 --> 00:02:56,493
a different kind of warrior,
to show you the way.
63
00:02:56,553 --> 00:02:59,233
This one goes by the name...
64
00:02:59,292 --> 00:03:02,102
Teagan, she/her!
65
00:03:05,939 --> 00:03:10,179
Well, you're just in time,
because we've got company
66
00:03:10,247 --> 00:03:12,277
Sand People.
Whoa!
67
00:03:12,351 --> 00:03:13,721
You can't call 'em that.
68
00:03:13,788 --> 00:03:16,028
I can't?
It's racist.
69
00:03:16,092 --> 00:03:17,602
Get down.
70
00:03:17,661 --> 00:03:20,701
You need to address them
as "People of Sand."
71
00:03:20,768 --> 00:03:23,668
No wonder they hate us.
72
00:03:24,408 --> 00:03:26,078
[ Gun clicks ]
73
00:03:26,146 --> 00:03:27,476
Agh! It's jammed.
74
00:03:27,548 --> 00:03:29,088
I'm gonna need your blaster.
75
00:03:29,152 --> 00:03:30,722
Ah! There it is!
76
00:03:30,788 --> 00:03:33,788
You assume because I'm
a mercenary and a shock trooper,
77
00:03:33,861 --> 00:03:36,171
I must be carrying a blaster,
78
00:03:36,232 --> 00:03:38,142
because we all do, right?
79
00:03:38,203 --> 00:03:39,443
I meant no offense.
80
00:03:39,505 --> 00:03:41,275
It's just that you're also
a bounty hunter,
81
00:03:41,342 --> 00:03:42,512
so II just assumed
82
00:03:42,578 --> 00:03:45,148
Will you please stop
Mandosplaining
83
00:03:45,217 --> 00:03:48,357
everything to me?
84
00:03:48,423 --> 00:03:50,433
You brought Grogu to safety,
85
00:03:50,494 --> 00:03:52,704
but now there is
another little one
86
00:03:52,766 --> 00:03:55,236
with great powers
who needs you...
87
00:03:55,304 --> 00:03:57,884
[ Breathing heavily ]
88
00:03:57,943 --> 00:03:59,083
[ Beep ]
89
00:04:01,182 --> 00:04:03,222
...the Baby Fauci.
90
00:04:03,286 --> 00:04:05,356
I'm here to rescue you.
91
00:04:05,424 --> 00:04:06,694
Thank you, uh,
92
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:09,630
but I'd prefer if you
washed your hands first.
93
00:04:09,699 --> 00:04:11,739
I don't know what planet
you've been on.
94
00:04:11,804 --> 00:04:14,014
I see you wearing a mask,
though.
95
00:04:14,075 --> 00:04:14,875
That's good.
96
00:04:14,943 --> 00:04:16,753
It's part of
the Mandalorian code.
97
00:04:16,814 --> 00:04:19,094
Right.
Well, if we're being honest,
98
00:04:19,151 --> 00:04:22,591
midichlorian can get through
one layer of mask.
99
00:04:22,658 --> 00:04:23,998
Just using that beskar,
100
00:04:24,061 --> 00:04:26,831
you're taking
an unnecessary risk.
101
00:04:26,900 --> 00:04:30,940
You need to doublemask it,
for yourself and others.
102
00:04:32,711 --> 00:04:35,021
Well, are you gonna save me?
103
00:04:35,083 --> 00:04:36,293
Ah!
104
00:04:36,352 --> 00:04:38,092
Hands!
105
00:04:39,458 --> 00:04:49,048
♪♪
106
00:04:49,111 --> 00:04:52,621
We now return
to "Antiques Roadshow."
107
00:04:52,685 --> 00:04:55,615
These are some of the most
incredible antiques.
108
00:04:55,691 --> 00:04:57,431
Give me some of that crap,
would you?
109
00:04:57,494 --> 00:04:59,004
These are all beautiful items
110
00:04:59,065 --> 00:05:01,495
that legitimately came
into my possession
111
00:05:01,569 --> 00:05:04,339
while living at my summer
MaraLago,
112
00:05:04,408 --> 00:05:05,408
the White House.
113
00:05:05,477 --> 00:05:06,947
That's George Washington.
114
00:05:07,014 --> 00:05:09,654
You know, he was one of the
presidents we had before me.
115
00:05:09,719 --> 00:05:11,719
He had funny hair.
And this is yours?
116
00:05:11,790 --> 00:05:14,360
It is now.
Give me another one.
117
00:05:14,428 --> 00:05:15,698
Here's a very hot item.
118
00:05:15,765 --> 00:05:18,035
It's the original copy
of the Bill of Rights.
119
00:05:18,103 --> 00:05:19,973
Doesn't this belong
in the National Archives?
120
00:05:20,040 --> 00:05:23,180
Excuse me!
Have you ever been president?
121
00:05:23,246 --> 00:05:24,476
I have.
122
00:05:24,548 --> 00:05:25,988
But look,
now it's even more valuable
123
00:05:26,052 --> 00:05:28,062
because it has my notes.
Notes?
124
00:05:28,123 --> 00:05:30,633
Certain rights
I wasn't crazy about.
125
00:05:30,694 --> 00:05:32,734
Who likes the first one?
No one I know.
126
00:05:32,799 --> 00:05:36,309
The gun one that's different.
People love the gun one.
127
00:05:36,372 --> 00:05:37,572
And what's this on the back?
128
00:05:37,641 --> 00:05:39,551
That's an order for Arby's.
129
00:05:39,612 --> 00:05:41,682
So how much?
$10 million. 20?
130
00:05:41,750 --> 00:05:42,950
Not that I need the money.
131
00:05:43,019 --> 00:05:44,659
People are gonna say,
"He needs money."
132
00:05:44,722 --> 00:05:46,092
I don't need the money.
133
00:05:46,159 --> 00:05:48,699
Did you know I donated
my whole salary as president?
134
00:05:48,764 --> 00:05:50,104
Every penny.
135
00:05:50,167 --> 00:05:52,067
Yeah, you you mentioned that
quite a few times.
136
00:05:52,137 --> 00:05:54,777
How about this?
Remember this thing?
137
00:05:54,843 --> 00:05:57,653
The orb, they called it.
Kind of a gift.
138
00:05:57,714 --> 00:06:00,494
Kind of?
What's it worth? Look.
139
00:06:00,955 --> 00:06:02,585
It's got a hole in the bottom.
140
00:06:02,658 --> 00:06:04,058
I did that. Isn't it great?
141
00:06:04,128 --> 00:06:06,468
The Saudis never thought
of doing that.
142
00:06:06,532 --> 00:06:08,872
Now it makes
a great bowl for chips
143
00:06:08,938 --> 00:06:10,668
or party mix, popcorn, too.
144
00:06:10,741 --> 00:06:13,151
So, $5 million?
145
00:06:13,213 --> 00:06:15,223
[ Sighs ]
146
00:06:15,283 --> 00:06:18,993
♪♪
147
00:06:19,058 --> 00:06:22,498
Listen, the other guy didn't
know anything about antiques,
148
00:06:22,564 --> 00:06:24,844
but I've got a great head
for this crap,
149
00:06:24,903 --> 00:06:27,643
like this gorgeous statue
of Beefsteak Charlie.
150
00:06:27,708 --> 00:06:28,878
Remember that restaurant?
151
00:06:28,944 --> 00:06:30,654
That's President Roosevelt,
sir.
152
00:06:30,714 --> 00:06:32,794
Was he the one
with the bad legs?
153
00:06:32,852 --> 00:06:34,922
Does that make it less valuable?
154
00:06:34,990 --> 00:06:39,830
Anyway, the other guy, Baldy,
offered me $20 million for it.
155
00:06:39,900 --> 00:06:41,700
I'll give it to you for 18
156
00:06:41,770 --> 00:06:45,080
and throw in
this Oval Office desk lamp.
157
00:06:45,143 --> 00:06:48,223
It was a gift
from President Putin.
158
00:06:48,283 --> 00:06:50,023
Works great, too.
159
00:06:50,086 --> 00:06:51,956
Beautiful light, right?
[ Microphone screeches ]
160
00:06:52,024 --> 00:06:54,034
[ Echoing ]
Right, right.
161
00:06:54,094 --> 00:06:57,634
Putin said you need to keep it
10 to 12 inches from your mouth
162
00:06:57,701 --> 00:06:59,201
for optimal lighting.
163
00:06:59,271 --> 00:07:02,441
Oh, and here's some stuff
that's never been touched,
164
00:07:02,511 --> 00:07:03,751
all mint condition.
165
00:07:03,814 --> 00:07:05,084
These intelligence reports
166
00:07:05,150 --> 00:07:08,920
I stopped reading them
around June 2017,
167
00:07:08,991 --> 00:07:11,031
so these babies are pristine.
168
00:07:11,095 --> 00:07:13,825
Got the top one autographed
by the Oak Ridge Boys.
169
00:07:13,901 --> 00:07:16,841
Some eclipse viewing glasses,
never touched.
170
00:07:16,907 --> 00:07:19,407
Could see it just fine
without them.
171
00:07:19,478 --> 00:07:21,678
Here is a "Be Best" mousepad.
172
00:07:21,750 --> 00:07:24,120
I got a whole warehouse
full of these.
173
00:07:24,188 --> 00:07:27,058
Would it help
if Melania sat on them?
174
00:07:27,127 --> 00:07:27,957
Lipitor!
175
00:07:28,029 --> 00:07:30,329
You don't need it
if you have good genes.
176
00:07:30,400 --> 00:07:32,470
A secure mobile phone.
177
00:07:32,537 --> 00:07:34,437
I didn't like it.
Too many buttons.
178
00:07:34,508 --> 00:07:36,108
Face mask. Enough said.
179
00:07:36,178 --> 00:07:38,578
You know, Tom Brady,
the great hero?
180
00:07:38,650 --> 00:07:41,790
He loves me.
He signed my sports bra.
181
00:07:41,857 --> 00:07:43,727
That's gotta be worth
$10 million.
182
00:07:43,794 --> 00:07:45,774
I had this portrait
commissioned,
183
00:07:45,831 --> 00:07:47,801
but the
National Portrait Gallery.
184
00:07:47,869 --> 00:07:49,809
didn't have the courage
to hang it.
185
00:07:49,873 --> 00:07:51,783
They said it was too graphic.
186
00:07:51,843 --> 00:07:52,953
You see what I'm using
for the flagpole?
187
00:07:53,012 --> 00:07:56,092
Yes, I see very clearly.
188
00:07:58,456 --> 00:08:00,026
Okay, come on, folks,
189
00:08:00,093 --> 00:08:02,333
That kind of lowbrow,
"I don't like you" stuff
190
00:08:02,397 --> 00:08:03,697
it's not okay.
191
00:08:03,767 --> 00:08:06,107
It's not the kind of country
we need right now.
192
00:08:06,172 --> 00:08:08,912
I made a promise
when I raised my right hand
193
00:08:08,977 --> 00:08:10,477
and put my hand on the Bible.
194
00:08:10,547 --> 00:08:15,057
I swore an oath to restore
civility to network television.
195
00:08:15,123 --> 00:08:16,963
This stuff is the kind of
[bleep]
196
00:08:17,027 --> 00:08:19,867
that biker gang pulled out
of your grandma's [bleep].
197
00:08:19,933 --> 00:08:21,703
I don't know if
I can still say that
198
00:08:21,770 --> 00:08:23,740
on network television
these days or not.
199
00:08:23,807 --> 00:08:25,007
Can I still say,
200
00:08:25,076 --> 00:08:26,906
"Your grandmother's
rusty old [bleep]"?
201
00:08:26,980 --> 00:08:29,720
Man, they keep moving the line.
202
00:08:29,786 --> 00:08:32,686
I gotta speak
to the FCC about this.
203
00:08:32,759 --> 00:08:34,959
I swear I heard it
on "South Park."
204
00:08:35,029 --> 00:08:37,099
♪♪
205
00:08:40,073 --> 00:08:42,813
Coming up,
"Naked and Afraid Alone" returns
206
00:08:42,879 --> 00:08:45,949
with its most demanding
challenge to date.
207
00:08:46,018 --> 00:08:49,088
[ Breathing heavily ]
208
00:08:49,158 --> 00:08:52,298
It's brutal out here, but my
experience as an Army Ranger
209
00:08:52,364 --> 00:08:54,374
has given me the skills
to tackle whatever challenge
210
00:08:54,434 --> 00:08:58,614
these woods throw my way,
no matter how terrible.
211
00:08:58,676 --> 00:09:00,206
Hey, who you talking to?
212
00:09:00,280 --> 00:09:02,920
"Naked and Afraid:
Alone with Ted Cruz."
213
00:09:02,985 --> 00:09:05,785
It's me, Senator Ted Cruz,
214
00:09:05,858 --> 00:09:08,328
lover of the great outside.
215
00:09:08,396 --> 00:09:11,936
NNow, I'm taking a brief
respite from my tireless fight
216
00:09:12,003 --> 00:09:13,873
against the radical liberals
217
00:09:13,941 --> 00:09:16,151
wwho want us to descend
into socialism.
218
00:09:16,212 --> 00:09:18,652
He's staying here.
Indeed I am, Ron.
219
00:09:18,716 --> 00:09:20,816
AAnd full disclosure
220
00:09:20,888 --> 00:09:24,228
I suffer from a condition
called night scream.
221
00:09:24,294 --> 00:09:27,304
So iif my shrieking
keeps you awake,
222
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:32,377
just know it's perfectly normal
and I'm not in any danger.
223
00:09:32,444 --> 00:09:35,454
Say, since we've got
lots of time together here,
224
00:09:35,516 --> 00:09:40,386
I'd love to share some of my
thoughts about the LGBTQ mafia
225
00:09:40,460 --> 00:09:43,870
and their dangerous
antiChristian propaganda.
226
00:09:43,934 --> 00:09:45,404
OOh, and speaking of dangerous,
227
00:09:45,470 --> 00:09:48,710
those mushrooms you're eating
could be poisonous, compadre.
228
00:09:48,777 --> 00:09:50,747
I know.
229
00:09:50,814 --> 00:09:53,154
♪♪
230
00:09:53,219 --> 00:09:56,889
You know, it's hurricane season
back home in Texas.
231
00:09:56,960 --> 00:10:00,000
A lot of lives being destroyed.
232
00:10:00,066 --> 00:10:02,566
Anyway, where should I put
my humidor?
233
00:10:02,637 --> 00:10:05,947
♪♪
234
00:10:06,011 --> 00:10:07,511
I got the shot.
235
00:10:07,580 --> 00:10:08,620
I got the shot.
236
00:10:08,683 --> 00:10:09,953
I got the shot.
237
00:10:10,019 --> 00:10:11,519
I got the shot.
238
00:10:11,588 --> 00:10:12,828
I got the shot.
239
00:10:12,892 --> 00:10:15,502
And there's nothing
to be scared of.
240
00:10:19,004 --> 00:10:20,874
I'm getting the shot.
241
00:10:20,941 --> 00:10:22,511
Was that O. J.?
242
00:10:22,577 --> 00:10:26,217
The vaccine really does work,
so don't be afraid.
243
00:10:26,285 --> 00:10:28,215
It's just a little needle.
244
00:10:28,289 --> 00:10:31,099
I hate seeing blood
as much as the next guy,
245
00:10:31,161 --> 00:10:34,031
but trust me, it's worth it,
so get the shot.
246
00:10:34,101 --> 00:10:36,171
What the [bleep] is going on?
247
00:10:36,238 --> 00:10:38,908
Yeah, um, why is O. J. in this?
248
00:10:38,977 --> 00:10:41,247
Yeah, whose idea was O. J.?
249
00:10:41,315 --> 00:10:42,245
Hey, guys.
250
00:10:42,317 --> 00:10:44,917
Wait, wait.
He can hear us?
251
00:10:44,989 --> 00:10:46,459
Just doing my part.
252
00:10:46,525 --> 00:10:50,525
Folks, I know that getting shots
makes a lot of people nervous,
253
00:10:50,600 --> 00:10:53,440
but it's not like you're
getting stabbed or anything.
254
00:10:53,506 --> 00:10:55,136
[ Laughs ]
255
00:10:55,209 --> 00:10:57,979
Why does he have so many lines?
256
00:10:58,049 --> 00:10:59,249
Okay, okay, okay.
257
00:10:59,317 --> 00:11:01,857
[ Sighs ]
I got the shot last week.
258
00:11:01,923 --> 00:11:03,693
I got the shot yesterday.
259
00:11:03,760 --> 00:11:05,760
I got the shot last month.
260
00:11:05,831 --> 00:11:08,271
I got the shot in December.
261
00:11:08,335 --> 00:11:09,335
Is that true?
262
00:11:09,404 --> 00:11:12,184
Top of the list
because I'm over 70.
263
00:11:12,243 --> 00:11:14,383
I'm living a long life,
264
00:11:14,448 --> 00:11:17,148
and hopefully longer
with this vaccine.
265
00:11:17,220 --> 00:11:19,360
Is he done?
No idea.
266
00:11:19,424 --> 00:11:22,064
Oh, hey!
How you doing, Pete?
267
00:11:22,130 --> 00:11:24,800
[ Sighs ] Fine.
268
00:11:24,869 --> 00:11:26,509
WWe should hang out sometime.
269
00:11:26,572 --> 00:11:29,782
You still live in that great
house in Staten Island?
270
00:11:29,846 --> 00:11:31,006
Wait. You know my house?
271
00:11:31,081 --> 00:11:33,191
II don't think
I want to do this anymore.
272
00:11:33,252 --> 00:11:36,592
Hey, Jay, where you headed?
Want to grab lunch?
273
00:11:36,658 --> 00:11:38,758
Uh, I was...
274
00:11:38,830 --> 00:11:40,630
I, um...
275
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,900
Just stay on camera.
276
00:11:41,970 --> 00:11:44,510
He can't do anything then.
277
00:11:44,574 --> 00:11:45,584
It's safer.
278
00:11:45,643 --> 00:11:49,253
Uh, yeah, COVID is
a serious disease.
279
00:11:49,317 --> 00:11:50,987
Um...
280
00:11:51,054 --> 00:11:56,734
Other diseases are
tuberculosis, um, cancer.
281
00:11:56,799 --> 00:11:57,999
We shouldn't be doing this.
282
00:11:58,068 --> 00:11:59,198
I'm gonna get you
283
00:11:59,271 --> 00:12:01,211
get you vaccinated!
284
00:12:01,275 --> 00:12:04,475
[ Laughs ]
Time to take your medicine.
285
00:12:04,548 --> 00:12:13,098
♪♪
286
00:12:13,165 --> 00:12:16,235
You can't run from Covid
or The Juice.
287
00:12:16,305 --> 00:12:23,815
♪♪
288
00:12:23,887 --> 00:12:26,727
Uh, lupus, tapeworms.
289
00:12:26,793 --> 00:12:28,033
AAre tapeworms a disease?
290
00:12:28,095 --> 00:12:31,365
Get vaccinated!
I did it.
291
00:12:34,674 --> 00:12:38,554
Next on "Naked and Afraid:
Alone with Ted Cruz"...
292
00:12:38,616 --> 00:12:43,186
Ah. I'm crafting some snares
to catch a wild hog.
293
00:12:43,259 --> 00:12:46,029
This is by far the hardest
experience of my life.
294
00:12:46,098 --> 00:12:48,838
I'm just trying to focus
on my wife, Angie,
295
00:12:48,903 --> 00:12:50,113
and our two kids back home
296
00:12:50,172 --> 00:12:52,212
to help me survive
this nightmare.
297
00:12:52,277 --> 00:12:54,247
Morning, Ron. Guess what?
298
00:12:54,314 --> 00:12:57,394
I've decided to get naked, too,
to shine a light
299
00:12:57,453 --> 00:13:00,063
on a very serious issue
in our country
300
00:13:00,126 --> 00:13:01,626
election fraud.
301
00:13:01,695 --> 00:13:04,595
And as you can see, [chuckles]
I've got nothing to hide,
302
00:13:04,668 --> 00:13:08,138
unlike the radical
Antifacontrolled blue states
303
00:13:08,208 --> 00:13:11,108
who don't give a lick
about transparency
304
00:13:11,181 --> 00:13:15,191
unless they're talking about
our southern border.
305
00:13:15,256 --> 00:13:17,326
With this unexpected
development,
306
00:13:17,393 --> 00:13:20,573
how much more can Ron take?
307
00:13:22,838 --> 00:13:23,968
Let's keep it going.
308
00:13:24,040 --> 00:13:26,180
Those other appraisers
were a disgrace,
309
00:13:26,244 --> 00:13:28,524
but I can tell
you're one of the good ones.
310
00:13:28,582 --> 00:13:31,862
So here's a very special item
just for you
311
00:13:31,923 --> 00:13:33,233
that everyone else rejected
312
00:13:33,292 --> 00:13:35,262
the nuclear football.
313
00:13:35,329 --> 00:13:37,269
You could throw out
all the nuclear stuff
314
00:13:37,333 --> 00:13:40,373
if that's not your thing
and put a laptop in there.
315
00:13:40,439 --> 00:13:43,149
And look autographed
by Papa John.
316
00:13:43,212 --> 00:13:45,722
Mr. President,
we have a lot of people waiting.
317
00:13:45,784 --> 00:13:46,924
Oh, how about this?
318
00:13:46,986 --> 00:13:48,816
I don't know what the market is
for this kind of thing,
319
00:13:48,890 --> 00:13:52,700
but I've got the full set of
Republican senators' testicles.
320
00:13:52,765 --> 00:13:56,095
Plus, I had them turned
into this desk toy.
321
00:13:56,171 --> 00:13:57,981
That's just Tennessee.
322
00:13:58,041 --> 00:13:59,981
I used to watch this for hours.
323
00:14:00,045 --> 00:14:02,075
Let's watch.
324
00:14:02,150 --> 00:14:04,690
[ Clicking ]
325
00:14:09,965 --> 00:14:11,225
Mesmerizing, right?
326
00:14:11,301 --> 00:14:14,511
So what do you think?
$420 million?
327
00:14:16,445 --> 00:14:18,175
Let's make it $400 million.
328
00:14:18,248 --> 00:14:20,918
Could you make it out
to Anatoly Malakoff,
329
00:14:20,987 --> 00:14:22,657
and could you do that fast?
330
00:14:22,723 --> 00:14:24,293
♪♪
331
00:14:27,533 --> 00:14:30,243
♪♪
332
00:14:30,306 --> 00:14:31,976
You will protect
the baby Fauci,
333
00:14:32,043 --> 00:14:37,193
just as the wise baby Fauci
protects all living beings.
334
00:14:37,253 --> 00:14:38,793
[ Lasers firing ]
335
00:14:38,857 --> 00:14:41,827
You two may want to reconsider
killing this thing.
336
00:14:41,896 --> 00:14:45,236
Removing this great dragon
from the ecosystem
337
00:14:45,302 --> 00:14:46,912
opens up the possibilities
338
00:14:46,973 --> 00:14:50,953
for other much deadlier dragons
to take its place.
339
00:14:51,014 --> 00:14:53,094
Ugh.
Guys, why are we still here?
340
00:14:53,151 --> 00:14:56,961
[ Laughs ] I already got
a good picture of us.
341
00:14:57,727 --> 00:14:59,927
In the journey from darkness
to wokeness,
342
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:03,439
the voice of the oppressed
will never be silenced.
343
00:15:03,505 --> 00:15:05,405
Stop it. Knock that off.
What?
344
00:15:05,476 --> 00:15:08,276
Gonna get us both killed.
[ Laughs ]
345
00:15:08,348 --> 00:15:09,648
Where do you think
you're going?
346
00:15:09,717 --> 00:15:12,087
We were sent here
by Greef Karga.
347
00:15:12,156 --> 00:15:15,596
I haven't heard that name
in a long time.
348
00:15:15,663 --> 00:15:19,243
If you see anybody from
the Empire in a restaurant,
349
00:15:19,304 --> 00:15:22,144
in a canteen,
in a refueling station,
350
00:15:22,209 --> 00:15:23,679
you push back on them.
351
00:15:23,746 --> 00:15:26,416
We've got to get more
confrontational.
352
00:15:26,484 --> 00:15:28,664
Okay, you can go in.
353
00:15:28,722 --> 00:15:33,332
How dare you tell us
where we can and can't go?
354
00:15:33,398 --> 00:15:37,308
The Empire lost, and yet somehow
you stormtroopers still have
355
00:15:37,373 --> 00:15:39,383
this sense of entitlement?
356
00:15:39,444 --> 00:15:43,154
Ha! Could it be the color
of your uniform?
357
00:15:43,218 --> 00:15:47,088
White privilege?
Must be nice.
358
00:15:47,159 --> 00:15:49,359
♪♪
359
00:15:49,430 --> 00:15:51,400
Hi, I'm Mark Zuckerberg.
360
00:15:51,468 --> 00:15:53,408
And I'm Jeff Bezos.
361
00:15:53,472 --> 00:15:55,212
And in honor of
upcoming Pride Month,
362
00:15:55,275 --> 00:15:57,575
we are excited to announce
some new initiatives
363
00:15:57,647 --> 00:16:00,687
to give back
to the LGBTQ community.
364
00:16:00,754 --> 00:16:04,464
Facebook has always
been supportive of LGBTQ people.
365
00:16:04,527 --> 00:16:06,697
Know who George Takei is?
366
00:16:06,766 --> 00:16:07,926
We made that happen.
367
00:16:08,001 --> 00:16:11,441
But you can always do
a better job at being inclusive,
368
00:16:11,508 --> 00:16:14,508
which is why today we're
announcing a new initiative
369
00:16:14,580 --> 00:16:18,420
to help all our users
embrace their authentic selves.
370
00:16:18,488 --> 00:16:21,258
From now on, Facebook
will automatically analyze
371
00:16:21,327 --> 00:16:22,557
your personal data
372
00:16:22,630 --> 00:16:24,000
as well as your behavior
across the Internet
373
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:27,837
and determine where you fall
on the LGBTQ spectrum.
374
00:16:27,908 --> 00:16:30,748
If we determine you are not
being your authentic self
375
00:16:30,814 --> 00:16:32,254
to those closest to you,
376
00:16:32,316 --> 00:16:34,286
we will help you
live your truth out loud
377
00:16:34,353 --> 00:16:37,263
by sending them a carefully
crafted automated message
378
00:16:37,326 --> 00:16:38,526
coming out on your behalf.
379
00:16:38,595 --> 00:16:40,665
[ Cellphone chimes ]
No more hiding.
380
00:16:40,733 --> 00:16:42,943
[ Blows whistle ]
No more shame.
381
00:16:43,004 --> 00:16:44,144
Timmy's gay.
382
00:16:44,207 --> 00:16:46,847
No more awkward conversations
at the Thanksgiving table.
383
00:16:46,912 --> 00:16:51,022
You can finally
live freely and openly.
384
00:16:51,621 --> 00:16:54,931
And as an added bonus,
our new A.I.
385
00:16:54,995 --> 00:16:56,555
will autocorrect your comments
386
00:16:56,631 --> 00:17:00,741
in keeping with
your fabulous new identity
387
00:17:00,807 --> 00:17:04,777
At Amazon, we also care about
the LGBTPTQQ community
388
00:17:04,848 --> 00:17:07,388
and we are proud
to partner with Facebook
389
00:17:07,453 --> 00:17:10,793
to send personalized
congratulations packages
390
00:17:10,860 --> 00:17:13,430
to the Amazon Prime users
taking the brave step
391
00:17:13,498 --> 00:17:16,908
to live
as their authentic selves.
392
00:17:16,972 --> 00:17:22,522
Also, we are happy to announce
that Alexa is now bisexual.
393
00:17:22,583 --> 00:17:24,153
Alexa, what time is it?
394
00:17:24,220 --> 00:17:26,390
I'm bisexual.
395
00:17:26,926 --> 00:17:30,026
So from all of us
in the tech industry,
396
00:17:30,098 --> 00:17:31,598
happy Pride.
397
00:17:31,668 --> 00:17:34,438
And if any fulfillment center
employees are watching,
398
00:17:34,507 --> 00:17:36,007
get back to work.
399
00:17:36,077 --> 00:17:38,077
[ Chuckles ]
Love you guys.
400
00:17:38,148 --> 00:17:42,758
♪♪
401
00:17:42,824 --> 00:17:46,234
Okay! So we're back
in the Mandalorian ship
402
00:17:46,297 --> 00:17:48,097
with the baby!
403
00:17:48,168 --> 00:17:51,338
Y'all, how cute is
the baby Fauci?
404
00:17:51,407 --> 00:17:53,107
Are you cold, baby?
405
00:17:53,178 --> 00:17:55,118
Is it cold in here? Brr!
406
00:17:55,182 --> 00:17:57,392
I'm all bundled up
in my cozy robe,
407
00:17:57,453 --> 00:17:58,693
so I'm in good shape.
408
00:17:58,756 --> 00:18:01,656
But it's only 12 degrees Celsius
in the cockpit,
409
00:18:01,728 --> 00:18:03,468
so you should probably
be wearing
410
00:18:03,531 --> 00:18:05,401
an extra layer of clothing.
411
00:18:05,469 --> 00:18:08,639
Wait.
Are you slutshaming me?
412
00:18:08,708 --> 00:18:10,848
And, of course, we got Mando
413
00:18:10,914 --> 00:18:14,124
flying his crusty old
Razor Crest spaceship
414
00:18:14,186 --> 00:18:16,286
to our next adventure.
415
00:18:16,357 --> 00:18:18,127
Where are we headed, Mandy?
416
00:18:18,194 --> 00:18:19,264
That's confidential.
417
00:18:19,330 --> 00:18:22,370
OMG. I tell you everything!
418
00:18:22,436 --> 00:18:24,836
The windows are fogging up.
419
00:18:24,908 --> 00:18:26,108
I think it's this mask.
420
00:18:26,177 --> 00:18:27,647
[ Squeaking ]
421
00:18:27,713 --> 00:18:29,683
That means
it's not the right fit.
422
00:18:29,751 --> 00:18:31,521
Did you get one
with a nose wire?
423
00:18:31,587 --> 00:18:33,187
You didn't tell me
to get one with a wire.
424
00:18:33,258 --> 00:18:36,558
The fight against evil
will not end until the Outer Rim
425
00:18:36,631 --> 00:18:39,871
is the universe's
ultimate safe space.
426
00:18:39,938 --> 00:18:41,268
Wait. Are we lost?
427
00:18:41,341 --> 00:18:43,311
No! This is the way.
428
00:18:43,378 --> 00:18:45,078
The wrong way.
429
00:18:45,148 --> 00:18:46,318
Oh, my God.
430
00:18:46,384 --> 00:18:47,554
♪♪
431
00:18:47,619 --> 00:18:50,459
Do not get in an elevator
with me,
432
00:18:50,525 --> 00:18:52,255
especially if you fall into
433
00:18:52,329 --> 00:18:54,999
one or more
of the following categories,
434
00:18:55,068 --> 00:18:57,568
for example next slide
435
00:18:57,639 --> 00:18:59,949
having legs up to here.
436
00:19:00,012 --> 00:19:02,782
Big problem. Next slide.
437
00:19:02,851 --> 00:19:05,861
Being a woman for whom
I'm your direct supervisor
438
00:19:05,923 --> 00:19:09,663
and your chances of advancement
flow directly through me.
439
00:19:09,730 --> 00:19:12,670
Be smart.
Wait for the next elevator.
440
00:19:12,737 --> 00:19:14,667
I don't have to talk to you
like babies.
441
00:19:14,741 --> 00:19:16,781
I know you think
you're in a hurry.
442
00:19:16,845 --> 00:19:19,575
Trust me, you're not
in that much of a hurry.
443
00:19:19,650 --> 00:19:22,760
Take the three minutes
and wait for the next one.
444
00:19:22,824 --> 00:19:24,464
Next slide.
445
00:19:24,527 --> 00:19:25,797
Now, there is hope,
446
00:19:25,863 --> 00:19:27,933
some good news
coming from our statisticians
447
00:19:28,001 --> 00:19:30,641
who are showing
that while many New Yorkers
448
00:19:30,705 --> 00:19:33,075
are still at risk
from me personally,
449
00:19:33,144 --> 00:19:37,494
seniors and small children
are virtually immune.
450
00:19:37,553 --> 00:19:41,163
But if you are
between the ages of 18
451
00:19:41,227 --> 00:19:43,827
and, say, a youthful 36,
452
00:19:43,899 --> 00:19:46,869
you are highly susceptible
to being groped
453
00:19:46,939 --> 00:19:50,549
or at least made uncomfortable
by me.
454
00:19:50,612 --> 00:19:52,022
Now I'm gonna slow down,
455
00:19:52,082 --> 00:19:55,492
make sure the sign language
interpreter is keeping up.
456
00:19:55,555 --> 00:19:57,425
You getting all this, honey?
457
00:19:57,493 --> 00:19:59,233
I know
you talk with your hands.
458
00:19:59,296 --> 00:20:01,366
I'm Italian.
I talk with my hands.
459
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:03,714
I'm sure that's not all
we have in common.
460
00:20:03,772 --> 00:20:05,182
I do have tremendous hands,
though.
461
00:20:05,242 --> 00:20:07,352
If you ever want to come see
how big my hands really are,
462
00:20:07,412 --> 00:20:11,822
you know where to find me,
and I know where to find you.
463
00:20:11,889 --> 00:20:13,759
Now, you see what just happened?
464
00:20:13,826 --> 00:20:16,496
Clearly, we're not
out of the woods yet.
465
00:20:16,564 --> 00:20:19,404
It can happen just like that.
466
00:20:19,470 --> 00:20:21,310
I'll see you tomorrow,
467
00:20:21,374 --> 00:20:23,444
especially you, I hope.
468
00:20:23,511 --> 00:20:27,321
Come on, people, be smart.
469
00:20:27,386 --> 00:20:31,286
♪♪
470
00:20:33,464 --> 00:20:37,144
And now, Ron, II think I may
have acquired a woodland fungus
471
00:20:37,206 --> 00:20:40,906
in the zone between where
one's testicles typically are
472
00:20:40,980 --> 00:20:43,720
aand the old exit tunnel,
[chuckles]
473
00:20:43,786 --> 00:20:45,086
if you
if you know what I mean.
474
00:20:45,155 --> 00:20:47,985
AAnd I wonder
if you might give it a looksee.
475
00:20:48,061 --> 00:20:50,901
I can bend over,
or if you prefer,
476
00:20:50,967 --> 00:20:53,137
maybe I could hoist a foot
up on your shoulder
477
00:20:53,204 --> 00:20:56,914
so you can observe the problem
straight on.
478
00:20:56,979 --> 00:20:58,379
Dealer's choice.
479
00:20:59,583 --> 00:21:01,123
[ Insects buzzing ]
480
00:21:01,187 --> 00:21:05,957
Yeah, II can't help but notice
what you're staring at, Ron.
481
00:21:06,030 --> 00:21:10,310
II assure you, this corkscrew
shape is very common
482
00:21:10,372 --> 00:21:12,512
on wetland ducks.
483
00:21:12,576 --> 00:21:20,226
♪♪
35555
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