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1
00:00:13,304 --> 00:00:15,306
- Obviously, Jingle Ball
isn't happening this year,
2
00:00:15,348 --> 00:00:17,976
but I got us a major gig,
3
00:00:18,018 --> 00:00:21,354
the national anthem
at the WNHL quarter finals.
4
00:00:21,396 --> 00:00:23,440
- Yes.
- So, all we need is someone
5
00:00:23,481 --> 00:00:25,442
to round out our harmonies,
6
00:00:25,483 --> 00:00:29,362
bring power vocals and
a transcendent star quality.
7
00:00:29,404 --> 00:00:31,448
- And above all, loyal.
- Yes.
8
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:34,200
- * Pedophiles, pedophiles *
9
00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:37,787
* The cast of "Friends"
is pedophiles *
10
00:00:37,829 --> 00:00:39,205
* Checks in the-- *
- You know, I actually
11
00:00:39,247 --> 00:00:40,498
heard that.
- Next!
12
00:00:40,540 --> 00:00:43,168
- Uh, FYI, my voice drifts,
13
00:00:43,209 --> 00:00:44,878
so I can't solo,
14
00:00:44,919 --> 00:00:48,882
but I can end songs with sultry
femininasty phrases.
15
00:00:49,716 --> 00:00:56,222
Mm, I'ma drink you
like medicine, boy.
16
00:00:56,264 --> 00:00:58,308
- Ab--absolutely not.
[chuckles nervously]
17
00:00:58,350 --> 00:01:01,061
It's not that I'm threatened,
18
00:01:01,102 --> 00:01:03,229
it's that I just--
19
00:01:03,271 --> 00:01:04,731
I hate you.
20
00:01:04,773 --> 00:01:08,360
- * I just wanna see
the palm trees *
21
00:01:08,401 --> 00:01:11,988
* I will try and shake away
this disease *
22
00:01:12,030 --> 00:01:14,240
- I think this is Everclear.
23
00:01:14,282 --> 00:01:16,493
- * Watch the world die *
24
00:01:16,534 --> 00:01:17,911
- Next!
- Ugh, you guys,
25
00:01:17,952 --> 00:01:19,746
maybe this is just too hard.
26
00:01:19,788 --> 00:01:23,083
We could use a triple threat.
Voice, face--
27
00:01:23,124 --> 00:01:24,209
both: Smells.
- No!
28
00:01:24,250 --> 00:01:26,419
Hey, none of that talk!
29
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:29,005
We have to just trust--
[deep breath]
30
00:01:29,047 --> 00:01:31,299
That if we keep trying,
something amazing will happen.
31
00:01:31,341 --> 00:01:32,592
- Hi, I'm Baby.
32
00:01:32,634 --> 00:01:35,261
And just to give you all
a taste of my vocals,
33
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:36,554
this is one of your old ones,
34
00:01:36,596 --> 00:01:39,140
though, I do disagree
with the content.
35
00:01:39,182 --> 00:01:41,059
- Fair.
36
00:01:41,101 --> 00:01:44,104
- [soulfully]
* Dream *
37
00:01:44,145 --> 00:01:45,939
- [whispers]
Oh, my God, yes, yes.
38
00:01:45,980 --> 00:01:48,149
- * Girlfriends *
39
00:01:48,191 --> 00:01:50,402
* 'Cause our dads are dead *
40
00:01:50,443 --> 00:01:53,238
* They gave us some advice *
41
00:01:53,279 --> 00:01:59,577
* But we forgot
what they said *
42
00:01:59,619 --> 00:02:02,497
- Whoa!
- Oh, my gosh!
43
00:02:02,539 --> 00:02:03,915
- Wow.
44
00:02:03,957 --> 00:02:05,250
- Baby, how would you like to--
[cell phone chimes]
45
00:02:05,291 --> 00:02:07,127
- Oh, snap.
46
00:02:07,168 --> 00:02:09,963
I just got into nursing school.
Bye.
47
00:02:10,005 --> 00:02:10,964
- Oh, wait.
- No, no.
48
00:02:11,006 --> 00:02:12,298
- No bye.
- No, no, no, no.
49
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,466
- Baby!
- No, no.
50
00:02:13,508 --> 00:02:14,426
- Come back, Baby!
- Baby, come back.
51
00:02:14,467 --> 00:02:15,760
[upbeat music]
52
00:02:15,802 --> 00:02:18,430
all singing:
* Gonna be famous 5eva *
53
00:02:18,471 --> 00:02:20,849
* 'Cause forever's too short *
54
00:02:20,890 --> 00:02:22,308
* It's too short *
55
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:25,353
* Gonna be famous three ever *
56
00:02:25,395 --> 00:02:29,149
* 'Cause that's one
more than together *
57
00:02:29,190 --> 00:02:32,152
* Gonna be famous 5eva *
58
00:02:32,193 --> 00:02:35,196
* 'Cause forever's too short *
59
00:02:35,238 --> 00:02:37,824
* So what are you
waiting five? *
60
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:42,245
* "Girls5eva" *
61
00:02:46,041 --> 00:02:48,126
[dramatic tone]
62
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:52,088
- * Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes *
63
00:02:52,130 --> 00:02:55,925
* The pipes are calling *
64
00:02:55,967 --> 00:02:58,595
* From glen to glen *
65
00:02:58,636 --> 00:03:02,182
* And down the mountainside *
66
00:03:02,223 --> 00:03:03,350
[grunts]
67
00:03:03,391 --> 00:03:05,435
[straining]
68
00:03:05,477 --> 00:03:06,978
* Falling *
69
00:03:07,020 --> 00:03:09,105
Ugh!
70
00:03:09,147 --> 00:03:12,817
- I loved your vocals,
and your backstory was moving.
71
00:03:12,859 --> 00:03:14,402
But you left your neck
unprotected,
72
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:16,905
so it's a no for me.
73
00:03:16,946 --> 00:03:19,199
It's an honor
to be part of history.
74
00:03:19,240 --> 00:03:22,535
AWS is the first show
created entirely
75
00:03:22,577 --> 00:03:25,205
by a ratings algorithm.
76
00:03:25,246 --> 00:03:27,415
And I love the other judges.
77
00:03:27,457 --> 00:03:29,376
We go for it.
78
00:03:29,417 --> 00:03:30,877
- You were singing up here,
79
00:03:30,919 --> 00:03:32,712
but I need you
to fight down here.
80
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:33,880
- [laughs]
81
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,465
Totally, yeah, girl.
82
00:03:35,507 --> 00:03:38,009
That was vibes.
83
00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:42,722
- Finding the American Warrior
Singer is not gonna be easy
84
00:03:42,764 --> 00:03:45,558
because those skillsets
rarely overlap.
85
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,352
But that's the journey.
86
00:03:47,394 --> 00:03:50,230
* *
87
00:03:50,271 --> 00:03:51,898
- Hey.
88
00:03:51,940 --> 00:03:54,067
So, um, do you know
how much we're getting paid
89
00:03:54,109 --> 00:03:56,319
for this hockey show
if we end up doing it?
90
00:03:56,361 --> 00:03:58,321
- Well, the first offer
was cab fare.
91
00:03:58,363 --> 00:03:59,906
But I really think
that if we agree
92
00:03:59,948 --> 00:04:01,741
and back each other up,
we can convince them
93
00:04:01,783 --> 00:04:03,535
that we live in Tarrytown.
- Oh, that's smart.
94
00:04:03,576 --> 00:04:05,745
It's just, you know,
95
00:04:05,787 --> 00:04:08,581
Kev isn't taking things great.
96
00:04:08,623 --> 00:04:10,417
You know,
he doesn't believe in divorce,
97
00:04:10,458 --> 00:04:11,918
same as dinosaur bones.
98
00:04:11,960 --> 00:04:14,838
And he's frozen all
of our credit cards.
99
00:04:14,879 --> 00:04:16,256
- I want you to breathe.
It's gonna be okay.
100
00:04:16,297 --> 00:04:17,799
- No, it's not!
101
00:04:17,841 --> 00:04:21,469
My ring finger acrylic
snapped off.
102
00:04:21,511 --> 00:04:22,929
And I can't afford
to get it fixed
103
00:04:22,971 --> 00:04:26,850
because the salon
won't accept sconces!
104
00:04:26,891 --> 00:04:28,935
- Honey.
105
00:04:28,977 --> 00:04:30,103
Okay, look.
106
00:04:30,145 --> 00:04:32,939
Divorce is expensive as hell.
107
00:04:32,981 --> 00:04:35,900
And you need some money
coming in that's just yours.
108
00:04:35,942 --> 00:04:39,779
And until we really take off,
I think you need a job.
109
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:42,949
- But what?
- Well, what jobs have you had?
110
00:04:42,991 --> 00:04:46,453
- Daughter, pop star,
stay-at-home pop star.
111
00:04:46,494 --> 00:04:47,912
- Hm.
Okay.
112
00:04:47,954 --> 00:04:50,373
Well, you know what?
You are a talented person.
113
00:04:50,415 --> 00:04:51,791
- Thank you.
- And I think
114
00:04:51,833 --> 00:04:54,044
we should just
focus on your strengths
115
00:04:54,085 --> 00:04:55,462
and your interests.
116
00:04:55,503 --> 00:04:58,465
- Smiling, being in shape.
- Mm-hmm?
117
00:04:58,506 --> 00:05:00,967
- I'm good at makeup, mirrors.
- Right.
118
00:05:01,009 --> 00:05:03,470
- Uh, walking in heels?
119
00:05:03,511 --> 00:05:05,889
Kicking, twirling.
120
00:05:05,930 --> 00:05:08,099
I'm very flexible.
[chuckles]
121
00:05:08,141 --> 00:05:10,727
Being announced.
122
00:05:12,562 --> 00:05:14,105
Huh.
- Hm.
123
00:05:14,147 --> 00:05:15,357
- Guys, guys.
Whew.
124
00:05:15,398 --> 00:05:16,941
I think I have something
that can help us.
125
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,944
- I thought you were gonna
save that for Summer's 40th.
126
00:05:19,986 --> 00:05:22,113
- Oh, you know, I only
celebrate half birthdays.
127
00:05:22,155 --> 00:05:24,407
- So, Gloria and I watched
a ton of YouTube vids,
128
00:05:24,449 --> 00:05:27,452
and we made...
129
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:28,745
this.
130
00:05:28,787 --> 00:05:29,954
- [gasps]
Oh, my gosh!
131
00:05:29,996 --> 00:05:31,206
I know that ghost!
132
00:05:31,247 --> 00:05:33,833
- Hey, y'all.
I'm Ashley from Girls5eva.
133
00:05:33,875 --> 00:05:35,210
- Hi, Ash.
- And you're listening to...
134
00:05:35,251 --> 00:05:36,795
- Oh, she's not talking to me.
- Zazz 104,
135
00:05:36,836 --> 00:05:38,672
the beat of Grand Rapids.
136
00:05:38,713 --> 00:05:40,256
- It's cool, right?
- Yes!
137
00:05:40,298 --> 00:05:43,385
- I only loaded up a bunch of
our old footage into this app.
138
00:05:43,426 --> 00:05:45,512
If we can get
a much bigger tablet,
139
00:05:45,553 --> 00:05:47,180
yeah, I think she can
perform with us.
140
00:05:47,222 --> 00:05:51,017
- She-Visor, the only birth
control that's also a hat.
141
00:05:51,059 --> 00:05:52,018
- Those do not work.
142
00:05:52,060 --> 00:05:53,395
I know a ton
of She-Visor babies.
143
00:05:53,436 --> 00:05:55,021
- The algorithm's almost done
learning her voice,
144
00:05:55,063 --> 00:05:57,691
so she'll be able to say
or sing anything!
145
00:05:57,732 --> 00:06:01,528
- Aw, it's so good
to see her again!
146
00:06:01,569 --> 00:06:03,697
- And if you miss a day,
no sweat.
147
00:06:03,738 --> 00:06:06,032
Just wear two visors tomorrow.
148
00:06:06,074 --> 00:06:08,410
* She-Visor *
149
00:06:08,451 --> 00:06:10,370
- Aw!
150
00:06:10,412 --> 00:06:13,206
[upbeat music]
151
00:06:13,248 --> 00:06:16,126
- The one second of singing
before you got flattened
152
00:06:16,167 --> 00:06:18,253
was so smooth,
153
00:06:18,294 --> 00:06:20,046
I got butter in my ears.
154
00:06:20,088 --> 00:06:21,548
- Congratulations.
155
00:06:21,589 --> 00:06:23,299
You've advanced to round two.
156
00:06:23,341 --> 00:06:25,385
Please go take your genitalia.
157
00:06:25,427 --> 00:06:26,845
- Cut.
[bell dings]
158
00:06:26,886 --> 00:06:28,555
Resetting.
- [humming]
159
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,890
- Sorry.
Can you stop humming?
160
00:06:30,932 --> 00:06:33,685
We just need clean audio
to hear the singers crying out
161
00:06:33,727 --> 00:06:34,936
on the medical table.
162
00:06:34,978 --> 00:06:37,105
- Of course.
163
00:06:39,607 --> 00:06:41,484
Hey, Stet.
- Yo, yo, girl.
164
00:06:41,526 --> 00:06:43,069
- Do the judges ever
kick off the show
165
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,613
with a killer performance?
You and I could sing
166
00:06:45,655 --> 00:06:48,033
and--and Flex could do
push-ups or something?
167
00:06:48,074 --> 00:06:51,411
- Not today, Wick.
It's leg day.
168
00:06:51,453 --> 00:06:53,329
- Hey, I get it.
Wickie, I've been there.
169
00:06:53,371 --> 00:06:55,040
When I got my first gig
judging "In The Shower Singer,"
170
00:06:55,081 --> 00:06:56,833
I was all,
"Put me in the shower.
171
00:06:56,875 --> 00:06:59,002
I got pipes
and a cool stomach."
172
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:01,463
But don't fight
the transition to judge.
173
00:07:01,504 --> 00:07:04,049
This side of the table
is where it's at.
174
00:07:04,090 --> 00:07:05,592
You're still famous,
but there's no gigging,
175
00:07:05,633 --> 00:07:07,802
no living on a tour bus,
no harsh critiques
176
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:11,097
of your very personal album
"White Jazz."
177
00:07:11,139 --> 00:07:12,974
- I liked that album.
178
00:07:13,016 --> 00:07:14,684
First music I'd ever heard.
- Word.
179
00:07:14,726 --> 00:07:18,772
Now I got a pension,
a bananas house,
180
00:07:18,813 --> 00:07:21,483
20-year-old wife,
19-year-old surrogate.
181
00:07:21,524 --> 00:07:22,984
- I know.
It is cushy.
182
00:07:23,026 --> 00:07:25,945
My water-bra's Pellegrino,
but don't you ever miss
183
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:27,906
that energy you get
when you're performing?
184
00:07:27,947 --> 00:07:29,157
- I get it other ways now.
185
00:07:29,199 --> 00:07:31,326
"Fortnite" kills,
certain bowel movements,
186
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:34,120
impregnating my surrogate--
shh, don't tell my wife
187
00:07:34,162 --> 00:07:36,790
we didn't use science
and tubes, okay?
188
00:07:36,831 --> 00:07:39,417
- There's my girl.
Ha, ha.
189
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:41,294
The studio likes
what they've been seeing
190
00:07:41,336 --> 00:07:45,590
and they're offering you
a thousand-year deal.
191
00:07:45,632 --> 00:07:47,926
- A thousand years?
- It's meant to wow.
192
00:07:47,967 --> 00:07:50,261
And there's a small clause
where your body could be used
193
00:07:50,303 --> 00:07:53,473
in a show called "Corpse Wars,"
but it's highly unlikely.
194
00:07:53,515 --> 00:07:55,183
Congratulations, Wickie.
195
00:07:55,225 --> 00:07:57,811
- I can finally pay off
all my debt.
196
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,857
- Welcome to the family.
197
00:08:02,899 --> 00:08:04,401
At me.
Hand it back.
198
00:08:04,442 --> 00:08:06,778
- We do this off camera too?
199
00:08:09,447 --> 00:08:11,324
- Ladies and one gentleman,
200
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:14,119
welcome to the Burt's Bees
Equestrian Center.
201
00:08:14,160 --> 00:08:17,205
Before we get to this
morning's WNHL matchup,
202
00:08:17,247 --> 00:08:20,834
here to sing our national
anthem, Girls5eva!
203
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:22,460
[scattered applause]
204
00:08:22,502 --> 00:08:26,673
all:
* Oh, say can you see *
205
00:08:26,715 --> 00:08:30,844
* By the dawn's early light *
206
00:08:30,885 --> 00:08:35,181
* What so proudly we hailed *
207
00:08:35,223 --> 00:08:37,017
* At the twilight's
last gleaming *
208
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,686
[beeping]
- Sequence quit unexpectedly.
209
00:08:39,728 --> 00:08:41,604
Rebooting.
210
00:08:41,646 --> 00:08:43,148
Scanning data.
211
00:08:43,189 --> 00:08:44,691
all: * And the rocket's
red glare *
212
00:08:44,733 --> 00:08:48,028
- Free shipping
on all Crocs purses.
213
00:08:48,069 --> 00:08:50,321
Mitch McConnell blindsided!
214
00:08:50,363 --> 00:08:52,198
Wow, Gloria.
- I think she's reading
my emails.
215
00:08:52,240 --> 00:08:54,284
- McConnell and all his
dark money buddies
216
00:08:54,325 --> 00:08:56,286
are crying real tears.
217
00:08:56,327 --> 00:08:58,705
- Unsubscribe!
- Attention valued customer,
218
00:08:58,747 --> 00:09:02,876
your Megan Rapinoe silicone
face and torso has shipped.
219
00:09:02,917 --> 00:09:04,919
Tracking number 428.
220
00:09:04,961 --> 00:09:06,755
Accessing camera role.
221
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:08,048
- Oh, no, you're not.
[clanking]
222
00:09:08,089 --> 00:09:10,133
- You suck!
- We're Girls5eva!
223
00:09:10,175 --> 00:09:12,218
Check us out on Spotify!
224
00:09:12,260 --> 00:09:15,221
- Thank you.
Please leave the ice.
225
00:09:15,263 --> 00:09:17,724
- Congratulations,
Dr. Gloria McManus.
226
00:09:17,766 --> 00:09:19,392
You've made
New York Magazine's
227
00:09:19,434 --> 00:09:21,227
annual list of top doctors.
228
00:09:21,269 --> 00:09:22,896
- I made top docs?
- Our annual list...
229
00:09:22,937 --> 00:09:25,774
- I've been gunning for
top docs for, like, ten years.
230
00:09:25,815 --> 00:09:28,443
I don't know how to process
the failure
231
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,320
and success at the same time.
232
00:09:30,362 --> 00:09:32,864
- We're still gonna get
our cab fare, right?
233
00:09:32,906 --> 00:09:34,699
We're going to Tarrytown!
234
00:09:38,620 --> 00:09:42,207
- And now, here by choice,
feeling empowered,
235
00:09:42,248 --> 00:09:45,418
please welcome Summer,
her actual name!
236
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,836
[rock music playing]
237
00:09:46,878 --> 00:09:48,630
[audience whistles]
238
00:09:48,672 --> 00:09:51,716
* *
239
00:09:51,758 --> 00:09:53,677
- Take my money, pole queen!
240
00:09:53,718 --> 00:09:57,138
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
241
00:09:57,180 --> 00:09:58,348
- Whoo!
242
00:09:58,390 --> 00:10:00,767
- Oh, my God,
this is easy for me!
243
00:10:00,809 --> 00:10:02,686
- Whoo!
- Hell, yeah.
244
00:10:02,727 --> 00:10:04,396
* *
245
00:10:04,437 --> 00:10:05,647
- Yeah!
246
00:10:05,689 --> 00:10:09,734
* *
247
00:10:09,776 --> 00:10:11,403
- [laughs]
248
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:12,946
- Okay, guys.
249
00:10:12,987 --> 00:10:14,531
I know I'm amazing at this,
250
00:10:14,572 --> 00:10:16,991
and I could definitely
make a million dollars here...
251
00:10:17,033 --> 00:10:18,535
- Yeah, you could.
- Whoo!
252
00:10:18,576 --> 00:10:19,911
- But I don't know.
253
00:10:19,953 --> 00:10:21,955
I don't want to drive
to Midtown every day.
254
00:10:21,996 --> 00:10:26,209
- Aiding Midtown?
Yeah, that's my deal!
255
00:10:26,251 --> 00:10:33,174
* *
256
00:10:33,842 --> 00:10:35,635
- Hi.
257
00:10:35,677 --> 00:10:38,763
This is Summer,
for Nance Trace.
258
00:10:39,848 --> 00:10:41,808
- [sniffs]
259
00:10:41,850 --> 00:10:44,853
Did you brush before seeing me?
260
00:10:44,894 --> 00:10:46,229
- Get used to it.
261
00:10:46,271 --> 00:10:50,025
That's the smell of respect,
you top doc, you.
262
00:10:50,066 --> 00:10:53,153
[cell phone ringing]
263
00:10:55,447 --> 00:10:58,533
[quirky music]
264
00:10:58,575 --> 00:10:59,909
- Cut.
[bell dings]
265
00:10:59,951 --> 00:11:01,453
Let's reset.
266
00:11:02,579 --> 00:11:03,705
- This is as thick as the one
267
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:05,498
I signed with Larry way back.
268
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:07,000
- Well, the difference between
that and this
269
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:09,169
is you will make money.
270
00:11:09,210 --> 00:11:11,504
Constant Productions
is offering you stability
271
00:11:11,546 --> 00:11:13,089
in an unstable business.
272
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,133
Of course, they're buying
your exclusivity,
273
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:16,676
so no outside projects.
274
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:17,969
You can't be on
"Masked Singer,"
275
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,263
no "Silent Night"
at the tree lighting ceremony.
276
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:21,598
You can't even
fart twice in a row.
277
00:11:21,639 --> 00:11:23,683
That would be considered
a percussion performance,
278
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,393
and they could terminate
your contract immediately.
279
00:11:25,435 --> 00:11:27,562
But, Wickie,
for the rest of your life,
280
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:29,356
when you go out to dinner,
281
00:11:29,397 --> 00:11:32,776
someone in a sweatshirt
will bother you for a selfie.
282
00:11:32,817 --> 00:11:34,736
- Promise?
- Yes.
283
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:38,114
- Well, that was the last
willing participant in Atlanta.
284
00:11:38,156 --> 00:11:40,575
So, tomorrow, it's Wilmington,
Camden, Newark,
285
00:11:40,617 --> 00:11:41,910
Queens, then lunch.
286
00:11:41,951 --> 00:11:43,328
- Queens, New York?
287
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:46,915
- Said like someone
with unfinished business.
288
00:11:46,956 --> 00:11:50,085
What?
I'm emotionally intelligent.
289
00:11:53,922 --> 00:11:55,298
- Sorry,
can we reschej rehearsal?
290
00:11:55,340 --> 00:11:56,925
I'm starting
a new side hustle.
291
00:11:56,966 --> 00:11:59,094
And don't worry about
what it is or who it's with.
292
00:11:59,135 --> 00:12:02,430
Would you ask a man
that question?
293
00:12:02,472 --> 00:12:04,015
[phone chimes]
- Dawn, sorry.
294
00:12:04,057 --> 00:12:06,059
I am working on a lady
with shark mouth,
295
00:12:06,101 --> 00:12:07,727
and I am gonna be here
all night.
296
00:12:07,769 --> 00:12:09,354
- Fuckers.
297
00:12:14,109 --> 00:12:15,860
Guess it's just
you and me, Ash.
298
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:18,613
- Honestly, too many people
left for this to be fun.
299
00:12:18,655 --> 00:12:20,323
Now that it's just
the two of us,
300
00:12:20,365 --> 00:12:21,950
it's feeling kind of weird.
301
00:12:21,991 --> 00:12:23,576
- Don't quote your sex tape
at me.
302
00:12:23,618 --> 00:12:25,912
- Sorry,
the guy from "Smallville."
303
00:12:28,164 --> 00:12:29,874
[doorknob rattles]
304
00:12:29,916 --> 00:12:31,793
- I'm entering
without knocking.
305
00:12:31,835 --> 00:12:35,505
If you're having sex,
please make it interesting.
306
00:12:35,547 --> 00:12:38,091
- Wickie.
307
00:12:38,133 --> 00:12:40,010
- The show's on tour,
so I thought I'd come by
308
00:12:40,051 --> 00:12:42,178
and bring you a little rent.
309
00:12:42,220 --> 00:12:44,222
- Oh, God, please.
Don't give me guilt money.
310
00:12:44,264 --> 00:12:45,849
- You let Ghislaine
and I stay here.
311
00:12:45,890 --> 00:12:49,561
You treated us like family.
312
00:12:49,602 --> 00:12:51,187
I threw out a valentine
your son made you
313
00:12:51,229 --> 00:12:52,522
to make room
for a "Vogue Italy"
314
00:12:52,564 --> 00:12:54,524
I wanted to see
when I walked in the apartment.
315
00:12:54,566 --> 00:12:56,860
- Okay, I'll take it.
316
00:12:56,901 --> 00:12:59,446
So, how's it all going?
317
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:00,905
- Busy.
318
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:04,492
We shot five seasons of
"Warrior Singer" in two weeks.
319
00:13:04,534 --> 00:13:06,036
They offered me
a thousand-year deal,
320
00:13:06,077 --> 00:13:10,915
but I don't know that I want
to tie up my corpse that long.
321
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,001
- Wow.
322
00:13:13,043 --> 00:13:15,670
Congratulations.
- Thanks.
323
00:13:15,712 --> 00:13:16,880
- I'm good, too.
324
00:13:16,921 --> 00:13:19,090
Yeah, really good.
325
00:13:19,132 --> 00:13:21,926
Everything is tight.
[giggles]
326
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,303
We played a show
the other night
327
00:13:23,345 --> 00:13:26,556
that brought an entire
hockey arena to tears, so...
328
00:13:26,598 --> 00:13:27,849
- Dawn, it's Larry.
329
00:13:27,891 --> 00:13:29,100
Glad you called.
Good news.
330
00:13:29,142 --> 00:13:30,560
- What is that?
Is that Ashley?
331
00:13:30,602 --> 00:13:32,103
- There's been a small mutiny
on a Carnival cruise
332
00:13:32,145 --> 00:13:33,897
and the original entertainers
were,
333
00:13:33,938 --> 00:13:36,816
to put it politely, beheaded.
334
00:13:36,858 --> 00:13:38,902
- Yeah.
335
00:13:38,943 --> 00:13:40,862
- Dawn, are you okay?
336
00:13:40,904 --> 00:13:42,989
- Fine!
337
00:13:43,031 --> 00:13:44,741
It's all a mess, Wickie.
338
00:13:44,783 --> 00:13:46,326
"Four Stars" isn't catching on,
'cause apparently,
339
00:13:46,368 --> 00:13:48,578
I didn't bribe enough DJs.
340
00:13:48,620 --> 00:13:51,414
It only has a 103 plays
on Spotify, and that's all me.
341
00:13:51,456 --> 00:13:52,415
[laughs]
342
00:13:52,457 --> 00:13:55,418
And yet,
I'm still not giving up.
343
00:13:55,460 --> 00:13:57,253
Because for the first time
in my life,
344
00:13:57,295 --> 00:13:59,464
I'm not taking no
for an answer.
345
00:13:59,506 --> 00:14:02,133
And you know what?
Honestly, it feels kinda good.
346
00:14:02,175 --> 00:14:04,302
It's pointless,
but it's what I'm doing.
347
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:06,262
- Larry again.
Flag on the play.
348
00:14:06,304 --> 00:14:08,056
Carnival went with Ken Bone.
349
00:14:08,098 --> 00:14:10,183
Sorry, but the man has Dory.
350
00:14:10,975 --> 00:14:14,938
- Yeah, so if you're back
because you're not sure about
351
00:14:14,979 --> 00:14:16,398
signing your big girl contract,
352
00:14:16,439 --> 00:14:18,650
let me help clear that up
for you.
353
00:14:18,692 --> 00:14:22,362
This is what not compromising
looks like.
354
00:14:22,404 --> 00:14:25,365
This is living the dream, baby!
355
00:14:26,908 --> 00:14:29,119
[chokes]
356
00:14:29,160 --> 00:14:32,622
Oh, Max put a little
Lego man in that one.
357
00:14:32,664 --> 00:14:34,082
[coughs]
358
00:14:35,625 --> 00:14:38,420
I just swallowed
a little Lego man.
359
00:14:39,504 --> 00:14:42,090
I could feel his hat
going down.
360
00:14:42,132 --> 00:14:44,676
- Okay.
361
00:14:44,718 --> 00:14:46,136
Listen to me.
362
00:14:46,177 --> 00:14:48,471
I have been where you are.
363
00:14:48,513 --> 00:14:53,351
It is not going to be easy,
so let me tell you this.
364
00:14:53,393 --> 00:14:56,771
If you are making a music
video, the Ferrari company
365
00:14:56,813 --> 00:15:00,316
cannot legally keep you
from filming a test drive.
366
00:15:00,358 --> 00:15:03,862
Most USO invites are fronts
for human trafficking.
367
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:05,155
And you can throw your body
368
00:15:05,196 --> 00:15:06,906
in front of Clive Davis's
golf cart,
369
00:15:06,948 --> 00:15:09,242
but you cannot make him stop.
370
00:15:09,284 --> 00:15:11,661
Godspeed, girl.
371
00:15:11,703 --> 00:15:14,372
- Aw, thanks, Wickie.
372
00:15:19,586 --> 00:15:21,338
- I was gonna have
a moving company
373
00:15:21,379 --> 00:15:22,964
come pick up Ghislaine,
374
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:27,135
but I think
you should keep her.
375
00:15:28,636 --> 00:15:31,598
[soft music]
376
00:15:31,639 --> 00:15:34,684
* *
377
00:15:34,726 --> 00:15:36,186
- [sighs]
378
00:15:36,227 --> 00:15:38,646
- Volume up, ladies.
379
00:15:38,688 --> 00:15:42,942
Because I'm seriously
obsessed with these.
380
00:15:42,984 --> 00:15:44,694
They're called S'LEAKS,
381
00:15:44,736 --> 00:15:46,529
and they're
the hottest shapewear
382
00:15:46,571 --> 00:15:48,281
that you could do anything in.
383
00:15:48,323 --> 00:15:51,368
Periods, urine, solids,
384
00:15:51,409 --> 00:15:53,912
shit sneezes, gigglesquirts,
385
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,206
and random slimes.
386
00:15:56,247 --> 00:15:58,375
You can have a baby in these
387
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:01,628
and then wear them to the club
that night.
388
00:16:01,670 --> 00:16:03,046
That's freedom.
389
00:16:03,088 --> 00:16:04,297
- Perfect, Summer.
390
00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:07,008
Now, if ya have a shit sneeze,
391
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,177
let's go for one.
- Okay.
392
00:16:09,219 --> 00:16:10,804
- Okay, DJ Face World.
393
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:13,098
We're gonna do a little
water flossing, you ready?
394
00:16:13,139 --> 00:16:14,557
- Why did Matt send you?
395
00:16:14,599 --> 00:16:16,226
I won't take off my helmet.
396
00:16:16,267 --> 00:16:18,269
- No, no.
Just, come here.
397
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:19,437
- No.
- Where you goin'?
398
00:16:19,479 --> 00:16:22,232
- No, no one's seen
my real face.
399
00:16:22,273 --> 00:16:24,234
[tender piano music playing]
400
00:16:24,275 --> 00:16:29,406
- * Nobody knows me like you *
401
00:16:29,447 --> 00:16:35,245
* Nobody's touched me
like you *
402
00:16:35,286 --> 00:16:39,874
* Every day, I hope and pray *
403
00:16:39,916 --> 00:16:44,295
* To see you again *
404
00:16:44,337 --> 00:16:50,093
* You're Le-Le-Le-Le-Lego man *
405
00:16:50,135 --> 00:16:57,142
* And I worry you might have
a la-la-la-la-la-little sword *
406
00:16:57,183 --> 00:17:01,396
* Lego man *
407
00:17:01,438 --> 00:17:03,440
* Le-Le-Le-Lego, Lego *
408
00:17:03,481 --> 00:17:05,567
* Don't le-le-let go, let go *
409
00:17:05,608 --> 00:17:07,110
- I work with rescue dogs.
410
00:17:07,152 --> 00:17:08,611
Come on.
- No!
411
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,196
- * Don't le-le-let go,
let go *
412
00:17:10,238 --> 00:17:12,907
- Okay.
I'll wait it out.
413
00:17:12,949 --> 00:17:14,909
- * Le-Le-Le-Le-Le-Lego *
414
00:17:14,951 --> 00:17:16,661
* Don't let go, let go *
415
00:17:16,703 --> 00:17:19,706
[muttering]
416
00:17:19,748 --> 00:17:20,498
[upbeat melody]
417
00:17:20,540 --> 00:17:22,625
- I just pray Gal Gadot
418
00:17:22,667 --> 00:17:25,628
never sees what you did
to her song "Imagine."
419
00:17:25,670 --> 00:17:30,425
But the way you worked together
to defeat the warrior,
420
00:17:30,467 --> 00:17:33,470
you each brought something
different to the table.
421
00:17:33,511 --> 00:17:36,806
You threw punches.
You swept his leg.
422
00:17:36,848 --> 00:17:40,643
You did biting and popped his
testicles like a bag of Fritos.
423
00:17:40,685 --> 00:17:41,978
It was magic.
424
00:17:42,020 --> 00:17:43,355
- [groans]
425
00:17:43,396 --> 00:17:45,357
- Listen to me carefully.
426
00:17:45,398 --> 00:17:47,776
Cherish this time
427
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:51,279
when you feel
invincible together,
428
00:17:51,321 --> 00:17:55,200
because one day,
it will be gone.
429
00:17:55,241 --> 00:17:57,035
- Owwie, ow, ow.
[laughs]
430
00:17:57,077 --> 00:17:59,287
I was, uh, planning on hitting
on all four of you,
431
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:00,997
but, uh, check please.
432
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,332
- Cut!
433
00:18:02,374 --> 00:18:04,084
- That's dinner, everybody.
Eight minutes.
434
00:18:04,125 --> 00:18:05,460
[bell dings]
435
00:18:05,502 --> 00:18:07,170
- All right, we're back
in eight, everyone.
436
00:18:07,212 --> 00:18:08,672
[phone vibrating]
437
00:18:08,713 --> 00:18:10,548
- Very happy to find
your signed contract
438
00:18:10,590 --> 00:18:12,509
on my desk this morning.
439
00:18:12,550 --> 00:18:14,886
[gasps]
What's that sound?
440
00:18:14,928 --> 00:18:16,429
Choo, choo.
441
00:18:16,471 --> 00:18:18,973
It is the opportunity train,
Wickie!
442
00:18:19,015 --> 00:18:21,685
Starting with, instead
of iced tea, from now on,
443
00:18:21,726 --> 00:18:25,438
you will be holding L'Oréal
Paris hyaluronic acid serum.
444
00:18:25,480 --> 00:18:27,315
- And do what with it?
- Don't over-think it.
445
00:18:27,357 --> 00:18:28,858
It's America's number one
serum.
446
00:18:28,900 --> 00:18:32,195
Opportunity two, they want you
to do Jingle Ball.
447
00:18:32,237 --> 00:18:35,365
- Jingle Ball?
I'll do it!
448
00:18:35,407 --> 00:18:37,575
But only if the other
three women sing with me.
449
00:18:37,617 --> 00:18:40,328
- Ah, my God, are you still
talking about Girls5eva?
450
00:18:40,370 --> 00:18:41,746
No!
451
00:18:41,788 --> 00:18:43,707
They want you,
Flex and Stet to introduce
452
00:18:43,748 --> 00:18:46,584
one of the Jingle Ball acts.
Nobody wants you to sing.
453
00:18:46,626 --> 00:18:48,211
- Yes, I know.
I was just kidding!
454
00:18:48,253 --> 00:18:49,838
[laughs]
455
00:18:49,879 --> 00:18:52,382
Humor is so fun!
456
00:18:52,424 --> 00:18:53,717
- In the future,
let me know in advance
457
00:18:53,758 --> 00:18:55,343
when you're gonna do kidding.
458
00:18:55,385 --> 00:18:57,470
I need to factor that in.
Gotta run.
459
00:18:57,512 --> 00:18:59,723
[phone disconnect tone]
- And we are back in.
460
00:18:59,764 --> 00:19:02,392
Come down from a laugh, judges.
Now.
461
00:19:02,434 --> 00:19:06,563
[bell dings]
[laughter]
462
00:19:11,276 --> 00:19:12,235
- * Booty pop, flip, wow *
463
00:19:12,277 --> 00:19:14,154
* Swing me to the right *
464
00:19:14,195 --> 00:19:15,488
* Booty pop, flip *
465
00:19:15,530 --> 00:19:17,741
* Now, swing me to the side *
466
00:19:17,782 --> 00:19:19,325
* Booty pop, flip *
467
00:19:19,367 --> 00:19:21,578
* Pow, sidepieces for life *
468
00:19:21,619 --> 00:19:23,329
* Don't tell your wife *
469
00:19:23,371 --> 00:19:25,915
* Flip now, flip, wow *
470
00:19:25,957 --> 00:19:28,918
- Hmm, they're really
making that work.
471
00:19:29,711 --> 00:19:32,297
- Glad you said yes.
- [sighs] Yeah.
472
00:19:32,339 --> 00:19:36,926
Well, I saw my future
if I clung to this dumb dream.
473
00:19:36,968 --> 00:19:38,970
- Clive Davis
won't stop his golf cart.
474
00:19:39,012 --> 00:19:40,347
- Right.
Yeah.
475
00:19:40,388 --> 00:19:42,474
I thought
I should be an adult here.
476
00:19:42,515 --> 00:19:44,351
I mean, this is
still making music.
477
00:19:44,392 --> 00:19:45,602
- Exactly.
And off that,
478
00:19:45,643 --> 00:19:46,936
Pippa loves the song
about Olivia Coleman
479
00:19:46,978 --> 00:19:48,229
and wants to know
if you could tweak it
480
00:19:48,271 --> 00:19:49,439
to be about pussy
in yoga pants.
481
00:19:49,481 --> 00:19:50,482
- Oh.
What?
482
00:19:50,523 --> 00:19:53,193
- [chuckles]
Oh, fancy Nancy.
483
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:54,694
- You remember Dawn Solano?
484
00:19:54,736 --> 00:19:56,071
- From Girls5eva?
- Yeah.
485
00:19:56,112 --> 00:19:57,530
You were behind me at Fallon.
- Yeah.
486
00:19:57,572 --> 00:19:59,032
- I always know
what's behind me.
487
00:19:59,074 --> 00:20:01,993
TV, sushi,
photo of Walt Frazier.
488
00:20:02,035 --> 00:20:03,953
- Wow, you are Observant,
Little Stinker.
489
00:20:03,995 --> 00:20:06,164
- It's just Stinker now.
I'm a big boy.
490
00:20:06,206 --> 00:20:08,667
- Dawn's got some great ideas
for your new album.
491
00:20:08,708 --> 00:20:10,710
- Ears open, heart's wide.
492
00:20:10,752 --> 00:20:12,796
- Cool.
- I gotta go.
493
00:20:12,837 --> 00:20:15,840
- Um, okay, I was thinking
something about how you have
494
00:20:15,882 --> 00:20:17,717
to give up
a huge part of yourself
495
00:20:17,759 --> 00:20:20,053
just to be in the orbit
of the thing you love,
496
00:20:20,095 --> 00:20:22,722
but the compromise
erases any satisfaction
497
00:20:22,764 --> 00:20:25,392
you'd get from "success."
498
00:20:25,433 --> 00:20:26,976
- Yeah, those are some
big boy problems right there,
499
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:28,895
straight up Stink.
- Okay.
500
00:20:28,937 --> 00:20:30,146
Cool.
501
00:20:30,188 --> 00:20:31,564
Yeah, so I don't know
if you wanted--
502
00:20:31,606 --> 00:20:32,899
- Hey, look.
503
00:20:32,941 --> 00:20:36,194
There's two more ladies
that were behind me.
504
00:20:36,236 --> 00:20:37,946
- Summer?
- [gasps] Gloria?
505
00:20:37,987 --> 00:20:39,114
both: Dawn?
506
00:20:40,949 --> 00:20:43,076
- Have you guys
read this script?
507
00:20:43,118 --> 00:20:46,287
There's so much wordplay.
508
00:20:46,329 --> 00:20:48,748
- Thank you.
It's pun, right?
509
00:20:48,790 --> 00:20:50,333
I said pun instead of fun,
510
00:20:50,375 --> 00:20:52,585
making a pun
with the word "pun."
511
00:20:52,627 --> 00:20:54,462
It's for the back of the room.
Anyway.
512
00:20:54,504 --> 00:20:55,630
- "American Warrior Singer"
judges.
513
00:20:55,672 --> 00:20:57,966
You're up next.
Ready to rock?
514
00:21:00,468 --> 00:21:02,637
- So, we all Wickied.
515
00:21:02,679 --> 00:21:05,473
We're all one of Nance's
pretty little ponies, huh?
516
00:21:05,515 --> 00:21:07,267
- Okay, for the record,
I didn't Wickie.
517
00:21:07,308 --> 00:21:08,643
I was abandoned by all of you.
518
00:21:08,685 --> 00:21:09,769
- Don't shame me.
519
00:21:09,811 --> 00:21:10,770
When I made top docs,
520
00:21:10,812 --> 00:21:12,188
it was a stunning reminder
521
00:21:12,230 --> 00:21:14,232
that I can't ignore my gifts.
522
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:16,317
And Nance is taking me
to the next level.
523
00:21:16,359 --> 00:21:17,986
I'm here to pitch a new line
524
00:21:18,028 --> 00:21:20,572
of diamond engagement grills
to A$AP Rocky.
525
00:21:20,613 --> 00:21:22,782
- Oh, sorry,
but I have the best excuse.
526
00:21:22,824 --> 00:21:26,119
You know, I have to pay
for a very expensive divorce
527
00:21:26,161 --> 00:21:29,330
because you forced me
to examine my life, Gloria.
528
00:21:29,372 --> 00:21:30,498
- Sorry I helped you grow.
529
00:21:30,540 --> 00:21:32,042
- Well, Nance is
helping me grow now.
530
00:21:32,083 --> 00:21:34,419
You all are looking
at the face, thighs,
531
00:21:34,461 --> 00:21:37,088
and crotch of S'LEAKS.
532
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:39,341
They put the "waste"
in waist trainer.
533
00:21:39,382 --> 00:21:40,800
Different spelling.
534
00:21:40,842 --> 00:21:43,720
I'm here doing the dunk tank
in the mom tent
535
00:21:43,762 --> 00:21:46,806
to demonstrate abortion--
ab-absorption.
536
00:21:46,848 --> 00:21:48,808
Ugh, I gotta get it right
on the day.
537
00:21:48,850 --> 00:21:51,811
rappers:
* From Tokyo to the Amazon *
538
00:21:51,853 --> 00:21:53,396
* Paris, France *
539
00:21:53,438 --> 00:21:54,814
* To your front lawn *
540
00:21:54,856 --> 00:21:56,149
* Everybody's doing *
541
00:21:56,191 --> 00:21:59,027
* Everybody's doing
the splingy *
542
00:21:59,069 --> 00:22:01,488
- Cray?
- * Woah-oooh *
543
00:22:01,529 --> 00:22:03,865
* First you... *
- "The splingy"?
544
00:22:03,907 --> 00:22:06,826
both: * What's that noise?
Shimmy, shimmy *
545
00:22:06,868 --> 00:22:09,871
* Shake it down to ground,
two-handed salute *
546
00:22:09,913 --> 00:22:11,748
* Then back it up, back it up,
back it up *
547
00:22:11,790 --> 00:22:14,542
- Oh, come on!
548
00:22:14,584 --> 00:22:16,169
[scoffs]
549
00:22:17,212 --> 00:22:18,463
- Ladies?
550
00:22:18,505 --> 00:22:20,674
Maybe Girls5eva
551
00:22:20,715 --> 00:22:22,801
doesn't have to be over, over.
552
00:22:22,842 --> 00:22:26,137
- [sighs]
- Maybe we just, um--
553
00:22:26,179 --> 00:22:28,181
we should just call it
a hianus.
554
00:22:28,223 --> 00:22:31,101
- You mean a "hiatus."
- No, the word's "hianus,"
555
00:22:31,142 --> 00:22:32,686
just cause you, like,
lift your butt up
556
00:22:32,727 --> 00:22:34,187
as you walk away
from something.
557
00:22:34,229 --> 00:22:35,897
Don't gaslight me.
I'm 100% on this.
558
00:22:35,939 --> 00:22:37,190
- Okay, fine.
Okay.
559
00:22:37,232 --> 00:22:41,778
We're officially
on an indefinite hianus.
560
00:22:41,820 --> 00:22:43,697
- Hi.
- What?
561
00:22:43,738 --> 00:22:46,449
[gasps]
Wickie!
562
00:22:46,491 --> 00:22:48,368
- I wanna do Jingle Ball.
- What?
563
00:22:48,410 --> 00:22:50,537
- Yeah, and I wanna be hand-fed
by Gillian Anderson
564
00:22:50,578 --> 00:22:51,996
like a complicated
rescue horse,
565
00:22:52,038 --> 00:22:54,457
but we don't all get
our ultimate dream.
566
00:22:54,499 --> 00:22:56,334
- So what?
Let's just do it!
567
00:22:56,376 --> 00:22:57,627
- Are you crazy?
- How?
568
00:22:57,669 --> 00:22:59,963
- Uh, we just went on hianus.
- I don't know.
569
00:23:00,005 --> 00:23:03,091
But we are 30 feet from doing
what we set out to do,
570
00:23:03,133 --> 00:23:05,927
and to hell with anyone
who says we're not worthy.
571
00:23:05,969 --> 00:23:09,472
We came here in 2001 and got
bumped for Enrique Iglesias.
572
00:23:09,514 --> 00:23:10,598
- Daddy's boy.
- Fake mole.
573
00:23:10,640 --> 00:23:11,891
- He could still get it.
574
00:23:11,933 --> 00:23:14,769
- I don't wanna leave again
without singing.
575
00:23:14,811 --> 00:23:16,271
I thought I could
take the cushy road,
576
00:23:16,312 --> 00:23:17,939
but this is killing me!
577
00:23:17,981 --> 00:23:20,859
We are talent, damn it!
578
00:23:20,900 --> 00:23:23,695
Don't you think it's a sign
that we're all here?
579
00:23:23,737 --> 00:23:26,489
- No, stop.
Wickie, I--
580
00:23:26,531 --> 00:23:28,074
I finally wised up.
581
00:23:28,116 --> 00:23:30,243
I'm starting something new,
and it's kind of working.
582
00:23:30,285 --> 00:23:32,871
I can't throw it all away
just for a moment of fun.
583
00:23:32,912 --> 00:23:34,706
I learned that
in seventh grade health class.
584
00:23:34,748 --> 00:23:35,874
- Yeah?
585
00:23:35,915 --> 00:23:37,250
And I signed
a thousand-year contract
586
00:23:37,292 --> 00:23:39,419
that if I violate,
I lose everything.
587
00:23:39,461 --> 00:23:41,755
My job, my glam army.
588
00:23:41,796 --> 00:23:43,214
- No!
- My six-figure bonus
589
00:23:43,256 --> 00:23:45,258
to move into
the Judge Dread house,
590
00:23:45,300 --> 00:23:48,386
a mansion where reality judges
live among horror pranks.
591
00:23:48,428 --> 00:23:51,348
[suspenseful music]
592
00:23:51,389 --> 00:23:56,102
* *
593
00:23:56,144 --> 00:23:57,937
- [screams]
594
00:23:57,979 --> 00:24:00,357
- You can't throw
all that away!
595
00:24:00,398 --> 00:24:03,109
You know that road, Wickie.
It's hard.
596
00:24:03,151 --> 00:24:06,446
- Well, then enjoy
watching the life
597
00:24:06,488 --> 00:24:07,864
drain from my eyes as I walk
598
00:24:07,906 --> 00:24:10,742
onto the greatest stage
in the world
599
00:24:10,784 --> 00:24:14,537
and read this!
600
00:24:14,579 --> 00:24:16,956
- We really have to go.
601
00:24:16,998 --> 00:24:19,793
- Oh, gosh.
Oh.
602
00:24:19,834 --> 00:24:21,461
- What the hell was that?
603
00:24:21,503 --> 00:24:23,713
[applause]
604
00:24:23,755 --> 00:24:24,964
[all chuckling]
605
00:24:25,006 --> 00:24:27,967
- Hi.
Happy Thanksgiving, you guys.
606
00:24:28,009 --> 00:24:29,928
- What are you talking about,
Wickie?
607
00:24:29,969 --> 00:24:31,388
It's Christmas time.
608
00:24:31,429 --> 00:24:33,640
- You could have fooled me,
because tonight
609
00:24:33,682 --> 00:24:37,644
has been a veritable buffet
of today's musical hits.
610
00:24:37,686 --> 00:24:39,771
[laughs]
611
00:24:39,813 --> 00:24:42,649
But yes, it is Christmas time,
Stet.
612
00:24:42,691 --> 00:24:44,234
So deck the Halsey...
613
00:24:44,275 --> 00:24:46,152
- No.
- And for some of you,
614
00:24:46,194 --> 00:24:49,155
Happy Rihannica.
- Oh.
615
00:24:49,197 --> 00:24:50,657
- Why don't we just say
Happy Holiday?
616
00:24:50,699 --> 00:24:53,535
- Or Dabby Holla Night.
617
00:24:53,576 --> 00:24:54,703
[all whoosh]
618
00:24:54,744 --> 00:24:56,329
- I can't watch this.
- Oh, God.
619
00:24:56,371 --> 00:24:59,791
- Okay.
So, um--[clears throat]
620
00:24:59,833 --> 00:25:01,334
Just to, like,
621
00:25:01,376 --> 00:25:05,630
lay out how dumb it would be
if we went out there--
622
00:25:05,672 --> 00:25:06,923
- As a thought experiment.
- Right.
623
00:25:06,965 --> 00:25:08,508
Okay, we piss off iHeart Radio,
624
00:25:08,550 --> 00:25:10,927
and Nance,
and we'd lose our gravy trains.
625
00:25:10,969 --> 00:25:12,429
- And sing a song
that I think I sold
626
00:25:12,470 --> 00:25:13,847
to Charli D'Amelio's sister.
627
00:25:13,888 --> 00:25:14,973
- Now, I did just eat
628
00:25:15,015 --> 00:25:17,017
an irresponsible
amount of shawarma.
629
00:25:17,058 --> 00:25:18,476
- And we'd probably get
arrested in front of, like,
630
00:25:18,518 --> 00:25:21,521
18,000 teenagers,
who all have camera phones.
631
00:25:21,563 --> 00:25:22,939
- And if we didn't do it?
632
00:25:22,981 --> 00:25:25,734
- We would just be four
financially stable women
633
00:25:25,775 --> 00:25:29,154
who would lie awake at night
634
00:25:29,195 --> 00:25:33,199
wondering
what it would have felt like.
635
00:25:34,034 --> 00:25:35,869
- No segue needed.
636
00:25:35,910 --> 00:25:38,580
[hollow laughter]
637
00:25:38,621 --> 00:25:39,914
- But seriously, seriously.
638
00:25:39,956 --> 00:25:41,666
- I want to do it!
639
00:25:41,708 --> 00:25:43,168
[upbeat music]
640
00:25:43,209 --> 00:25:44,627
Oh, fuck, I have to go
to the bathroom.
641
00:25:44,669 --> 00:25:46,296
[gasps]
I'm wearing S'LEAKS.
642
00:25:46,338 --> 00:25:48,340
It's happening!
It's a great product!
643
00:25:48,381 --> 00:25:49,883
[laughter]
644
00:25:49,924 --> 00:25:53,553
- But seriously, seriously.
Happy Holidays.
645
00:25:53,595 --> 00:25:54,804
- Jingle Bells.
646
00:25:54,846 --> 00:25:57,849
- Wait, don't you mean
Jingle Smells?
647
00:25:57,891 --> 00:26:00,477
Because our next
performer's name reminds us
648
00:26:00,518 --> 00:26:02,937
that he's "a hit olfactory."
649
00:26:02,979 --> 00:26:05,440
Give it up for...
650
00:26:07,275 --> 00:26:10,070
- It's G like G,
I as in I,
651
00:26:10,111 --> 00:26:13,073
R like R, L as in L.
652
00:26:13,114 --> 00:26:15,075
- Anything for you, pole queen.
- Okay, S.
653
00:26:15,116 --> 00:26:17,118
- Give it up for...
654
00:26:19,371 --> 00:26:21,331
Girls5eva!
655
00:26:21,373 --> 00:26:23,041
Ah!
Ah!
656
00:26:23,083 --> 00:26:24,626
- Got it.
- Oh, thank you so much.
657
00:26:24,668 --> 00:26:26,628
Oh, God!
- Thank you.
658
00:26:26,670 --> 00:26:29,798
[crowd chattering]
659
00:26:35,637 --> 00:26:37,514
- One, two, three, four.
660
00:26:37,555 --> 00:26:39,224
all:
* We're gonna start fresh *
661
00:26:39,265 --> 00:26:41,393
* Take a couple new steps *
662
00:26:41,434 --> 00:26:43,812
* And wear
our comfortable shoes *
663
00:26:45,146 --> 00:26:46,981
* Look at our history *
664
00:26:47,023 --> 00:26:48,817
* There is no mystery *
665
00:26:48,858 --> 00:26:50,902
* The problem here was you *
666
00:26:52,612 --> 00:26:55,782
* Take off the filter
from the photograph *
667
00:26:55,824 --> 00:27:00,120
* And look who it is you see *
668
00:27:00,161 --> 00:27:03,248
* It isn't perfect,
so what's wrong with that? *
669
00:27:03,289 --> 00:27:07,127
* The best things in life
are free *
670
00:27:07,168 --> 00:27:10,005
[musical beat starts]
671
00:27:10,046 --> 00:27:14,092
* So what if we risk it all
and try *
672
00:27:14,134 --> 00:27:18,805
* Knowing we might fall,
but we might fly? *
673
00:27:18,847 --> 00:27:20,849
* Who cares what they say? *
674
00:27:20,890 --> 00:27:22,892
* We're gonna do it our way *
675
00:27:22,934 --> 00:27:25,520
* Like Sinatra or Burger King *
676
00:27:25,562 --> 00:27:26,813
* Five Star-- *
677
00:27:26,855 --> 00:27:27,856
- Stinker, sip, Stinky.
- Stinker,
678
00:27:27,897 --> 00:27:29,149
you'll be on in just a few
679
00:27:29,190 --> 00:27:32,152
after we get
these ladies cleared off.
680
00:27:32,193 --> 00:27:33,987
- W-w-w-wait, na-na-na-nah.
681
00:27:34,029 --> 00:27:35,947
Let them sing.
Stinky knows what stays.
682
00:27:35,989 --> 00:27:37,782
That's a little Stinker move,
right there.
683
00:27:37,824 --> 00:27:39,242
Let 'em rock.
684
00:27:39,284 --> 00:27:40,785
all:
* Our imperfection *
685
00:27:40,827 --> 00:27:43,204
* We're coming up, coming up *
686
00:27:43,246 --> 00:27:48,168
* Coming up,
coming up Four Stars *
687
00:27:48,209 --> 00:27:50,378
* We're coming up, coming up *
688
00:27:50,420 --> 00:27:52,339
* Coming up, coming up... *
689
00:27:52,380 --> 00:27:54,215
- That's the lady
from my phone!
690
00:27:54,257 --> 00:27:56,676
all:
* Four Stars *
691
00:27:56,718 --> 00:27:58,678
[cheers and applause]
692
00:27:58,720 --> 00:28:02,724
- * I may not be stronger
than the best *
693
00:28:02,766 --> 00:28:07,604
* But I've got a diamond heart
inside my chest *
694
00:28:07,645 --> 00:28:11,358
* I've got a lot to learn,
but that's pretty cool *
695
00:28:11,399 --> 00:28:14,652
* Already graduated
salad school *
696
00:28:14,694 --> 00:28:17,530
- * I'm done
with playin' it cool *
697
00:28:17,572 --> 00:28:22,452
* Don't always agree,
and I kinda liked high school *
698
00:28:22,494 --> 00:28:26,206
* There, I said it,
I don't regret it *
699
00:28:26,247 --> 00:28:29,334
all: * Women are
an ocean of secrets *
700
00:28:29,376 --> 00:28:31,836
* We're coming up, coming up *
701
00:28:31,878 --> 00:28:33,338
* Coming up, coming up... *
702
00:28:33,380 --> 00:28:37,008
- Oh, teens are
so much more controllable.
703
00:28:37,050 --> 00:28:39,386
all:
* We're coming up, coming up *
704
00:28:39,427 --> 00:28:45,183
* Coming up,
coming up Four Stars *
705
00:28:45,225 --> 00:28:48,103
- * I've held my tongue
too many times *
706
00:28:48,144 --> 00:28:51,856
* And that's a different
kind of gum disease *
707
00:28:51,898 --> 00:28:55,402
* Like delicious bread,
I'm ready to rise *
708
00:28:55,443 --> 00:28:58,530
* I'm even better
as the real me *
709
00:28:58,571 --> 00:29:02,992
- * Okay, I'll finally
let you see *
710
00:29:03,034 --> 00:29:06,830
* That I'm perfectly
imperfectly me *
711
00:29:06,871 --> 00:29:10,417
* I am a work in progress,
I'm not finished yet *
712
00:29:10,458 --> 00:29:13,586
* I'll put my renaissance
on the Internet *
713
00:29:13,628 --> 00:29:15,213
- I wanna get back
in the ring, too.
714
00:29:15,255 --> 00:29:18,550
Song idea: jeans in the ocean.
Whoa, whoa!
715
00:29:18,591 --> 00:29:22,429
all: * Knowing we might fall,
but we might *
716
00:29:22,470 --> 00:29:26,266
* Fly *
717
00:29:26,307 --> 00:29:29,811
* Coming up, coming up,
coming up, coming up *
718
00:29:29,853 --> 00:29:33,273
- The escalation's working!
all: * Four Stars *
719
00:29:33,314 --> 00:29:35,650
* We're coming up, coming up *
720
00:29:35,692 --> 00:29:37,777
* Coming up, coming up *
721
00:29:37,819 --> 00:29:42,323
* Four Stars *
722
00:29:42,365 --> 00:29:43,658
[cheering and applause]
723
00:29:43,700 --> 00:29:44,868
- Oh, my God.
724
00:29:44,909 --> 00:29:47,537
Oh, my God.
Whoo-hoo!
725
00:29:47,579 --> 00:29:50,790
- Jingle Ball!
We love you!
726
00:29:50,832 --> 00:29:54,377
[cheers and applause]
727
00:29:54,419 --> 00:29:56,338
- Get them off the stage, now!
728
00:29:56,379 --> 00:29:58,340
- Get those girls out of here,
now!
729
00:29:58,381 --> 00:30:00,175
- Gloria, I got you.
- Get them now!
730
00:30:00,216 --> 00:30:02,135
- Hey! Hey!
- Get out of here!
731
00:30:02,177 --> 00:30:03,720
- I've got my backpack
in there,
732
00:30:03,762 --> 00:30:05,180
and it's got six laptops.
733
00:30:05,221 --> 00:30:06,973
- Ah!
[breathing heavily]
734
00:30:07,015 --> 00:30:09,809
- That was...
735
00:30:09,851 --> 00:30:11,394
all: Worth it!
736
00:30:11,436 --> 00:30:12,562
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
737
00:30:12,604 --> 00:30:14,439
- Oh, my God!
- My backpack!
738
00:30:14,481 --> 00:30:16,649
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
739
00:30:16,691 --> 00:30:19,319
- I'm so proud of you.
- Oh.
740
00:30:19,361 --> 00:30:20,987
- I love you.
- Oh, Ashley.
741
00:30:21,029 --> 00:30:22,822
We love you, too.
742
00:30:22,864 --> 00:30:24,115
- Holy shit.
743
00:30:24,157 --> 00:30:25,700
- Oh, my God.
744
00:30:25,742 --> 00:30:28,161
- You know, that was her line
when she guested on "Charmed"
745
00:30:28,203 --> 00:30:29,996
as a benevolent hot witch.
746
00:30:30,038 --> 00:30:32,624
- I know.
- Oh, my gosh!
747
00:30:32,665 --> 00:30:34,167
- Oh.
- Okay.
748
00:30:34,209 --> 00:30:35,502
- [sighs]
- [sighs]
749
00:30:35,543 --> 00:30:37,379
- Guess I'm gonna have
to write us new songs.
750
00:30:37,420 --> 00:30:39,255
- Dawn, I'd like to apply
751
00:30:39,297 --> 00:30:41,341
for a management position
at the restaurant.
752
00:30:41,383 --> 00:30:43,134
- Oh, gosh!
- I'm cold.
753
00:30:43,176 --> 00:30:44,844
I'm gonna pee again.
754
00:30:44,886 --> 00:30:46,846
- Hey, guys.
Hot take?
755
00:30:46,888 --> 00:30:49,099
I'm starting to think that
Ashley faked her own death.
756
00:30:49,140 --> 00:30:50,308
- Wait, what?
- What?
757
00:31:03,029 --> 00:31:04,197
[upbeat music]
758
00:31:04,239 --> 00:31:06,950
all: * Gonna be famous 5eva *
759
00:31:06,991 --> 00:31:10,704
* 'Cause forever's too short *
760
00:31:10,745 --> 00:31:13,707
* Gonna be famous
three-gether *
761
00:31:13,748 --> 00:31:17,627
* 'Cause that's one
more than together *
762
00:31:17,669 --> 00:31:20,922
- * People staring at us,
thinking we are badass *
763
00:31:20,964 --> 00:31:22,549
* Watching
as we wave goodbye *
764
00:31:22,590 --> 00:31:24,551
* Our stomachs
are the flattest *
765
00:31:24,592 --> 00:31:27,762
- * Riding in our Lexus,
life really affects us *
766
00:31:27,804 --> 00:31:29,389
* Drinking
Veuve Clicquot champagne *
767
00:31:29,431 --> 00:31:31,391
* And texting all our exes *
768
00:31:31,433 --> 00:31:34,728
all: * Playing with our
brand-new flip phones *
769
00:31:34,769 --> 00:31:37,981
* Talking with our friends,
talking with our friends *
770
00:31:38,023 --> 00:31:41,234
* See the new leaf
on our headphones? *
771
00:31:41,276 --> 00:31:45,071
* That's how our story
begins *
772
00:31:45,113 --> 00:31:48,116
* Gonna be famous 5eva *
773
00:31:48,158 --> 00:31:50,452
* 'Cause forever's too short *
774
00:31:50,493 --> 00:31:51,828
* It's too short *
775
00:31:51,870 --> 00:31:54,873
* Gonna be famous
three-gether *
776
00:31:54,914 --> 00:31:58,877
* 'Cause that's one
more than together *
777
00:31:58,918 --> 00:32:01,629
* Gonna be famous 5eva *
778
00:32:01,671 --> 00:32:04,591
* 'Cause forever's too short *
779
00:32:04,632 --> 00:32:07,302
* So what are you
waiting five? *
780
00:32:07,344 --> 00:32:11,681
* "Girls5eva" *
781
00:32:11,723 --> 00:32:14,351
* *
782
00:32:14,392 --> 00:32:16,269
- Good night, everybody.
- Good night.
783
00:32:16,311 --> 00:32:18,396
- [munching]
55636