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1
00:00:13,647 --> 00:00:16,377
I think this
is how you wear it, right?
2
00:00:16,484 --> 00:00:21,124
Did everyone get sexual
harassment training before this?
3
00:00:21,222 --> 00:00:24,062
Because it's all gonna go
out the window with me!
4
00:00:24,158 --> 00:00:26,928
What's up? Who wants
to get fingered? Get in line.
5
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,857
How's Cleavage, Ohio? How's--
6
00:00:29,963 --> 00:00:36,043
Early on, my husband was like,
"So, do you ever turn it off?"
7
00:00:36,137 --> 00:00:37,437
Why don't you just sit
with me on the couch?
8
00:00:37,538 --> 00:00:40,538
I don't think they would--
They can fix it in post.
9
00:00:40,641 --> 00:00:43,041
And I said, "No."
10
00:00:43,144 --> 00:00:48,484
***
11
00:00:48,582 --> 00:00:51,292
MIKE: When I was wrestling,
I was so worried about winning
12
00:00:51,385 --> 00:00:53,415
instead of like,
"I'm gonna go out there,
13
00:00:53,521 --> 00:00:55,421
and I'm gonna take a--and I'm
gonna tear into this guy.
14
00:00:55,523 --> 00:00:58,333
I'm just gonna go at him."
With that mentality.
15
00:00:58,426 --> 00:01:00,256
You know, it's like going
on stage and being like,
16
00:01:00,361 --> 00:01:02,331
"I wanna kill,
I wanna kill, I wanna kill."
17
00:01:02,430 --> 00:01:04,870
It's like--Instead of just going
up there, being in the moment,
18
00:01:04,965 --> 00:01:08,195
and taking joke by joke by joke
and then just building it.
19
00:01:08,302 --> 00:01:12,042
KIRA: I don't feel like
I'm turning anything on.
20
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:14,740
This is just me.
21
00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,882
Maybe it's a defense mechanism.
22
00:01:17,978 --> 00:01:20,348
Maybe it's years of, like,
wanting to be a people pleaser.
23
00:01:20,448 --> 00:01:25,188
This is just me.
I will crack jokes during sex.
24
00:01:32,560 --> 00:01:37,300
***
25
00:01:37,398 --> 00:01:39,198
MAN: Put your hands together,
Burbank,
26
00:01:39,300 --> 00:01:41,140
for the very funny
Kira Soltanovich.
27
00:01:41,235 --> 00:01:44,465
[cheering]
28
00:01:44,572 --> 00:01:46,772
Keep going!
29
00:01:46,874 --> 00:01:49,214
Keep going! Keep going!
30
00:01:49,310 --> 00:01:52,150
- [cheering continues]
- Keep clapping.
31
00:01:52,246 --> 00:01:55,076
Hi, everybody.
32
00:01:55,183 --> 00:01:57,393
Oh, my gosh. We're doing it.
33
00:01:57,485 --> 00:02:01,255
- [cheering]
- We're living on the edge!
34
00:02:01,355 --> 00:02:03,255
- [audience laughs]
- This is exciting.
35
00:02:03,357 --> 00:02:05,887
You got your masks on. Good.
I'm not wearing underwear.
36
00:02:05,993 --> 00:02:08,503
So it works out. It works out.
- [audience laughs]
37
00:02:08,596 --> 00:02:11,096
Even. Perfectly. Good.
I like it.
38
00:02:11,199 --> 00:02:13,399
Thanks for coming, guys.
This is gr--
39
00:02:13,501 --> 00:02:15,971
You're sitting next to fire.
Fantastic.
40
00:02:16,069 --> 00:02:19,309
Yes, everyone's--everyone's
doing something dangerous.
41
00:02:19,407 --> 00:02:21,607
- [audience laughs]
- I love it.
42
00:02:21,709 --> 00:02:27,419
This is--Look, I have a little
bit of a Covid baby bump going.
43
00:02:27,515 --> 00:02:31,315
Just a little. It's not
a real baby. It's a Covid baby.
44
00:02:31,419 --> 00:02:34,319
- [audience laughs]
- It--It looks like a real baby.
45
00:02:34,422 --> 00:02:36,422
Trust me,
I'm sucking in right now.
46
00:02:36,524 --> 00:02:41,404
I got enough Spanx on
to choke out anybody in here.
47
00:02:41,495 --> 00:02:45,465
I could commit murder
with this Spanx, the amount--
48
00:02:45,566 --> 00:02:48,266
I've duct taped--I mean,
I might as well have testicles
49
00:02:48,369 --> 00:02:50,399
'cause I have duct taped
everything.
50
00:02:50,504 --> 00:02:53,614
Just up and back. It's fine.
I'm gonna suck it in.
51
00:02:53,707 --> 00:02:56,277
You guys are gonna be okay.
You're getting a profile shot.
52
00:02:56,377 --> 00:02:58,077
It's all right.
You might see a little peek.
53
00:02:58,178 --> 00:03:00,348
A little peek.
54
00:03:00,448 --> 00:03:02,618
Here's the thing.
I don't have a baby in here.
55
00:03:02,716 --> 00:03:06,386
And recently, a woman in line
at the grocery store
56
00:03:06,487 --> 00:03:09,117
said, "When are you due?"
57
00:03:09,223 --> 00:03:11,393
- AUDIENCE: Ohh!
- Aah! Wha--
58
00:03:11,492 --> 00:03:16,002
"What?
This is--This is cheeseburgers."
59
00:03:16,096 --> 00:03:19,266
- [audience laughs]
- "What are you talking about?"
60
00:03:19,367 --> 00:03:21,197
And she thought
I was joking, right?
61
00:03:21,302 --> 00:03:23,442
And she's like,
"What are you gonna name it?"
62
00:03:23,537 --> 00:03:26,537
"Wendy's."
- [audience laughs]
63
00:03:26,640 --> 00:03:30,440
What if I wasn't a comic?
What would I do?
64
00:03:30,544 --> 00:03:34,454
Like, I could never give someone
their lab results
65
00:03:34,548 --> 00:03:37,448
if they had cancer.
Like, what am I--Right?
66
00:03:37,551 --> 00:03:40,351
I would be fucking insane
if I was a doctor.
67
00:03:40,454 --> 00:03:43,524
I would--I would give them,
like, the wrong results.
68
00:03:43,624 --> 00:03:47,504
I would give 'em, like,
"Hey, guys. Sorry. Bad news.
69
00:03:47,595 --> 00:03:53,125
Uh, we got your tests back,
and you are positively negative.
70
00:03:53,233 --> 00:03:55,443
Whoo! Uh-uh-uh!"
[imitating gunshots]
71
00:03:55,536 --> 00:03:57,606
Like, I would be such a dick.
72
00:03:57,705 --> 00:04:00,205
I would be a douche.
I don't know what I could do.
73
00:04:00,308 --> 00:04:03,238
I would be inappropriate
as any other job.
74
00:04:03,344 --> 00:04:08,254
I'm in lockdown with my kids
and my husband,
75
00:04:08,349 --> 00:04:11,389
and, uh, I would've done
none of those things
76
00:04:11,485 --> 00:04:14,355
if I knew this was my future.
- [audience laughs]
77
00:04:14,455 --> 00:04:16,615
This was not in my wedding vows.
78
00:04:16,724 --> 00:04:19,464
"I promise to hold you
and keep you
79
00:04:19,560 --> 00:04:21,400
and sequester with you
and quarantine
80
00:04:21,495 --> 00:04:24,155
and look at your face
every day."
81
00:04:24,264 --> 00:04:26,504
[audience laughs]
82
00:04:26,600 --> 00:04:29,400
Every day. I have two kids.
83
00:04:29,503 --> 00:04:33,473
I have a 9-year-old boy
and a 5-year-old little girl.
84
00:04:33,574 --> 00:04:35,414
Boys are easier. Yes? Yes.
- WOMAN: Yeah.
85
00:04:35,509 --> 00:04:37,409
Who has kids? Who? You guys.
86
00:04:37,511 --> 00:04:40,311
Everyone here pulls out?
What's happening. Come on.
87
00:04:40,414 --> 00:04:42,354
- [audience laughs]
- Yell it through your masks.
88
00:04:42,450 --> 00:04:43,420
Who has kids?
- WOMAN: Yeah!
89
00:04:43,517 --> 00:04:45,447
- [cheering]
- Good.
90
00:04:45,553 --> 00:04:47,623
Angry people are with me. Good.
-[audience laughs]
91
00:04:47,721 --> 00:04:49,691
Boys are easier. Here's why.
92
00:04:49,790 --> 00:04:54,600
Uh, you can talk to a boy
about his man parts, right?
93
00:04:54,695 --> 00:04:56,955
You don't have to, like--
You don't have to give it
94
00:04:57,064 --> 00:04:59,434
like, a cutesy little euphemism.
95
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:01,443
You know, like, all my friends
with little girls,
96
00:05:01,535 --> 00:05:03,365
they all have, like, a nickname.
"In our house,
97
00:05:03,471 --> 00:05:06,641
we just--we call it a zim-zam.
[laughs]
98
00:05:06,740 --> 00:05:09,680
We just--You know, in our
house, we call it a lolly-lolly
99
00:05:09,777 --> 00:05:13,607
or a slip-slap-sloop
or..." [babbling]
100
00:05:13,714 --> 00:05:16,554
Don't do that, all right?
Don't--Don't do that.
101
00:05:16,650 --> 00:05:19,250
Just use the real words.
It's important.
102
00:05:19,353 --> 00:05:21,323
I told my son
when he was very little.
103
00:05:21,422 --> 00:05:23,562
I said, "You have a penis.
That's what you have."
104
00:05:23,657 --> 00:05:25,727
And he said,
"Mommy, where's your penis?"
105
00:05:25,826 --> 00:05:27,696
[audience laughs]
106
00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:31,425
I said, "In my purse.
Don't go through Mommy's stuff."
107
00:05:31,532 --> 00:05:34,542
- [audience laughs]
- MAN: Whoo!
108
00:05:34,635 --> 00:05:36,695
"That's Mommy's stuff."
109
00:05:39,540 --> 00:05:41,680
You can name a boy anything.
It doesn't matter.
110
00:05:41,775 --> 00:05:43,605
Whatever--Whatever you want.
111
00:05:43,711 --> 00:05:46,451
Just--Any name
is strong and powerful.
112
00:05:46,547 --> 00:05:49,447
"We're gonna call him Mic Stand.
113
00:05:49,550 --> 00:05:53,550
It's--[grunts]
It's a warrior's name."
114
00:05:53,654 --> 00:05:56,364
Go try and name a girl.
Try. Try.
115
00:05:56,457 --> 00:05:58,357
Ah, impossible.
116
00:05:58,459 --> 00:06:02,759
Every girl's name
sounds like a whore. A whore!
117
00:06:02,863 --> 00:06:05,003
All my friends, right,
they have daughters.
118
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,768
Savannah. Savannah.
119
00:06:07,868 --> 00:06:10,768
Madison. Madison.
120
00:06:10,871 --> 00:06:13,611
[audience laughs]
121
00:06:13,707 --> 00:06:16,677
Give your daughter
a whore's name.
122
00:06:16,777 --> 00:06:19,447
We decided to go old-school
biblical with our daughter.
123
00:06:19,547 --> 00:06:21,877
We named her
Mary Magdalene, so...
124
00:06:21,982 --> 00:06:25,552
[audience laughs]
125
00:06:25,653 --> 00:06:28,463
That's a long way to go,
firepit, for a Jesus joke.
126
00:06:28,556 --> 00:06:30,416
You better laugh it up.
127
00:06:30,524 --> 00:06:32,564
[audience laughs]
128
00:06:32,660 --> 00:06:37,500
Uh, my kids don't listen to me.
They don't listen.
129
00:06:37,598 --> 00:06:40,668
They don't listen.
They won't...get in the car.
130
00:06:40,768 --> 00:06:44,738
Just--Just get in the car.
131
00:06:44,838 --> 00:06:47,738
They won't.
They walk around the car, right?
132
00:06:47,841 --> 00:06:50,511
Like, every kid has,
like, a--a thing they do,
133
00:06:50,611 --> 00:06:52,351
like they're renting it
from Hertz.
134
00:06:52,446 --> 00:06:54,616
You know, they're walking
around, checking it.
135
00:06:54,715 --> 00:06:56,545
I'm like, "Get in the car."
They're kicking the wheels.
136
00:06:56,650 --> 00:06:58,790
"Get in the car."
- [audience laughs]
137
00:06:58,886 --> 00:07:03,516
Five times a day, it looks like
I'm abducting my own children.
138
00:07:03,624 --> 00:07:03,664
"I'll give you candy.
Get in the van. Get in the van."
139
00:07:06,159 --> 00:07:08,199
[audience laughs]
140
00:07:08,295 --> 00:07:10,755
I have a minivan. Can you guys
tell that I'm angry?
141
00:07:10,864 --> 00:07:13,604
What's happening? Can you guys
tell I drive a minivan?
142
00:07:13,701 --> 00:07:16,541
It's nice, too. It's a nice car.
143
00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,537
Look, they have
their own video--
144
00:07:18,639 --> 00:07:20,769
Like, their own screen
comes down.
145
00:07:20,874 --> 00:07:23,644
Headphones. It's like they're
traveling first class, right?
146
00:07:23,744 --> 00:07:25,954
Like, first class.
They get a movie.
147
00:07:26,046 --> 00:07:27,816
They're watching a movie.
They get snacks.
148
00:07:27,915 --> 00:07:29,715
And they're like,
"Next snack, please."
149
00:07:29,817 --> 00:07:31,947
All I'm doing
is just passing snacks.
150
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:33,652
I'm just driving.
151
00:07:33,754 --> 00:07:36,564
"A new song, please."
I'm deejaying.
152
00:07:36,657 --> 00:07:39,627
I'm deejaying
as I'm passing snacks and fruit.
153
00:07:39,727 --> 00:07:42,357
"New movie."
I'm putting a movie in
154
00:07:42,462 --> 00:07:44,532
and driving and deejaying.
155
00:07:44,632 --> 00:07:46,432
It's like
I'm a flight attendant
156
00:07:46,534 --> 00:07:47,574
just walking down the aisle
of the minivan.
157
00:07:47,668 --> 00:07:50,468
"Chicken or beef.
Chicken or beef."
158
00:07:50,571 --> 00:07:52,671
[audience laughs]
159
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:54,783
They treat me
like a flight attendant.
160
00:07:54,875 --> 00:07:59,545
We get to our destination.
They won't get out of the van.
161
00:07:59,647 --> 00:08:01,577
"We're here. Get out. Let's go."
162
00:08:01,682 --> 00:08:03,582
They won't. They won't--
They won't get out.
163
00:08:03,684 --> 00:08:04,894
So I'm like, you know what
"You're gonna treat me like
164
00:08:04,985 --> 00:08:09,155
I work at United?"
I drag 'em. I drag 'em out.
165
00:08:09,256 --> 00:08:11,526
I drag 'em out. "Bye-bye."
166
00:08:11,625 --> 00:08:14,755
[applause]
167
00:08:14,862 --> 00:08:18,432
So you do have kids. You do.
Some of you.
168
00:08:18,532 --> 00:08:19,902
How old are your kids?
Who raised--
169
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,940
You guys raised your hand?
How old are your kids?
170
00:08:22,035 --> 00:08:23,665
- WOMAN: I have a 7-year-old.
- A 7-year-old. Boy or girl.
171
00:08:23,771 --> 00:08:25,611
- Boy.
- Boy. Yeah. Good. Right?
172
00:08:25,706 --> 00:08:27,776
It's easier. Yes.
- Not so much.
173
00:08:27,875 --> 00:08:30,005
Not so much? All right. We're
not gonna get into it. Relax.
174
00:08:30,110 --> 00:08:32,310
[audience laughs]
175
00:08:32,412 --> 00:08:34,412
Felt like I was at one of my
Positive Parenting classes.
176
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:35,784
[audience laughs]
177
00:08:35,883 --> 00:08:37,623
Here's the thing.
I am an immigrant, right?
178
00:08:37,718 --> 00:08:39,388
Any other immigrants
in the hizzouse?
179
00:08:39,486 --> 00:08:40,446
- Whoo!
- Whoo!
180
00:08:40,554 --> 00:08:43,424
That is too many. Too--
181
00:08:43,523 --> 00:08:45,433
Where is that wall? Where is it?
182
00:08:45,525 --> 00:08:47,485
[audience laughs]
183
00:08:47,595 --> 00:08:50,625
I was born
in the former Soviet Union.
184
00:08:50,731 --> 00:08:52,771
Right? Yes?
Some of you guys look young.
185
00:08:52,866 --> 00:08:54,836
You might have to Google it.
- [audience laughs]
186
00:08:54,935 --> 00:08:57,735
When you leave
the Soviet Union in the '70s,
187
00:08:57,838 --> 00:09:00,468
there is one train--
there's one train
188
00:09:00,574 --> 00:09:03,814
that leaves the Ukraine.
189
00:09:03,911 --> 00:09:06,751
And so everyone knows
if you're on this train,
190
00:09:06,847 --> 00:09:08,947
you're leaving, like, for good.
191
00:09:09,049 --> 00:09:12,849
So it's usually Jews--it's
usually Jews that are leaving.
192
00:09:12,953 --> 00:09:17,793
And so the non-Jews would
line up at the train station
193
00:09:17,891 --> 00:09:21,731
and throw garbage at you
as you're leaving.
194
00:09:21,829 --> 00:09:24,599
Just imagine, like, my mom,
like, bobbing and weaving.
195
00:09:24,698 --> 00:09:26,568
And they get on this train,
196
00:09:26,667 --> 00:09:29,737
and garbage
is being thrown at her.
197
00:09:29,837 --> 00:09:34,907
And just as we get into our
little, you know, room--
198
00:09:35,008 --> 00:09:38,848
I'm little. I'm just--You know,
I'm, like, not even 2 years old.
199
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:41,776
Um, I started
to go to the bathroom.
200
00:09:41,882 --> 00:09:43,682
This is before diapers.
201
00:09:43,784 --> 00:09:46,854
And I am pooping.
202
00:09:46,954 --> 00:09:50,994
And my mom's like,
"We have a 12-hour train ride.
203
00:09:51,091 --> 00:09:54,561
What am I gonna do with this?"
So I poop in her hands.
204
00:09:54,662 --> 00:09:56,532
- [man laughs]
- She unrolls the window,
205
00:09:56,630 --> 00:09:58,800
and she throws my shit
206
00:09:58,899 --> 00:10:02,599
at the people
who just threw garbage at us.
207
00:10:02,703 --> 00:10:04,603
So you know where Russia--
Right. Russia. Yes.
208
00:10:04,705 --> 00:10:06,865
You know what I'm talking about.
We're back, guys.
209
00:10:06,974 --> 00:10:08,814
We're back.
- [audience laughs]
210
00:10:08,909 --> 00:10:11,809
We're the bad guys again. Yeah!
211
00:10:11,912 --> 00:10:13,612
I love it. I love it.
212
00:10:13,714 --> 00:10:16,754
It's like "Rocky IV"
all over again.
213
00:10:16,850 --> 00:10:18,620
You guys think the Russians
hacked the election?
214
00:10:18,719 --> 00:10:20,589
What do you guys think?
- MAN: Yeah.
215
00:10:20,688 --> 00:10:24,688
They did. They did. I was there
at the meetings. They did it.
216
00:10:24,792 --> 00:10:28,162
I voted nyet.
They didn't listen to me.
217
00:10:28,261 --> 00:10:30,861
We should be concerned.
I was raised by Russians.
218
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:33,934
Let me tell you.
We should all be worried.
219
00:10:34,034 --> 00:10:37,004
They're aggressive people.
They're scary--
220
00:10:37,104 --> 00:10:40,574
My entire childhood,
I was, like, on edge, right?
221
00:10:40,674 --> 00:10:41,814
'Cause everything
my parents said--
222
00:10:41,909 --> 00:10:43,709
It didn't matter what it was.
223
00:10:43,811 --> 00:10:46,881
It all came out just violent.
224
00:10:46,980 --> 00:10:49,550
[Russian accent] "Happy
birthday!" "What the hell?"
225
00:10:49,649 --> 00:10:52,549
[audience laughs]
226
00:10:52,652 --> 00:10:54,892
"Am I in trouble?"
227
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:58,558
[angrily]
"We love you very much."
228
00:10:58,658 --> 00:11:00,828
That's not
how you use those words.
229
00:11:00,928 --> 00:11:02,928
I made the mistake
230
00:11:03,030 --> 00:11:05,930
of allowing my Soviet mother
in the room with me
231
00:11:06,033 --> 00:11:08,673
as I was having babies.
232
00:11:08,769 --> 00:11:10,999
Big mistake.
- [audience laughs]
233
00:11:11,104 --> 00:11:14,884
Big mi--She criticized
everything I was going through
234
00:11:14,975 --> 00:11:17,435
in modern-day America
235
00:11:17,544 --> 00:11:21,954
and compared it to what
she went through in the USSR.
236
00:11:22,049 --> 00:11:26,049
"Oh, you have baby in hospital.
Okay, excuse me, big shot."
237
00:11:26,153 --> 00:11:28,293
[audience laughs]
238
00:11:28,388 --> 00:11:30,658
"Okay, okay.
239
00:11:30,758 --> 00:11:33,628
I have baby on a bus.
- [audience laughs]
240
00:11:33,727 --> 00:11:36,597
And I am driving this bus.
241
00:11:36,696 --> 00:11:40,796
[audience laughs]
242
00:11:40,901 --> 00:11:43,741
I'm begging my mom
now that, like, you know--
243
00:11:43,837 --> 00:11:46,637
I don't want her to go
to the grocery store. Right?
244
00:11:46,740 --> 00:11:47,980
I'm like, "Mom, just stay home.
245
00:11:48,075 --> 00:11:50,005
I will do
your shopping for you, right?
246
00:11:50,110 --> 00:11:51,980
Don't stand in line
at the grocery store."
247
00:11:52,079 --> 00:11:54,819
"I like it.
It's nostalgia for me.
248
00:11:54,915 --> 00:11:56,715
I like it.
- [audience laughs]
249
00:11:56,817 --> 00:11:59,717
It's memory lane
to stand in line for food.
250
00:11:59,820 --> 00:12:02,920
It feels...like my youth."
- [audience laughs]
251
00:12:03,023 --> 00:12:07,033
My house wasn't fun
to hang out in.
252
00:12:07,127 --> 00:12:10,027
First of all, Russian food
is not fun. There's nothing fun.
253
00:12:10,130 --> 00:12:12,730
Like, nobody's like,
"Ah, let's open up your fridge."
254
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,773
It's not--It's not like
that Sunny D commercial.
255
00:12:14,868 --> 00:12:16,768
You know, like, "Eh, what do you
got, purple stuff?"
256
00:12:16,870 --> 00:12:18,740
It was like--
Open up the fridge,
257
00:12:18,839 --> 00:12:22,779
it's like, "Hey, you got
a fish eye just floating
258
00:12:22,876 --> 00:12:25,746
in a fucking jar. What? What?"
259
00:12:25,846 --> 00:12:29,046
My friends never came over
for, like, snacks.
260
00:12:29,149 --> 00:12:32,249
But here's what was different
in my house.
261
00:12:32,352 --> 00:12:36,992
My parents did not lock up
any alcohol.
262
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,960
Not only did
they not lock it up,
263
00:12:39,059 --> 00:12:41,229
they actually invited us.
264
00:12:41,328 --> 00:12:46,128
"Please to come to sit down.
Everybody get vodka." You know.
265
00:12:46,233 --> 00:12:48,843
And I would tell my mom, like,
"That's not appropriate,"
266
00:12:48,936 --> 00:12:50,596
and she'd like,
"You're not appropriate.
267
00:12:50,703 --> 00:12:56,683
If you don't drink vodka,
what is your purpose in life?
268
00:12:56,776 --> 00:12:58,676
Why you live?"
269
00:12:58,778 --> 00:13:01,818
I didn't drink.
I didn't do drugs.
270
00:13:01,915 --> 00:13:04,015
I didn't smoke. I was--You know,
271
00:13:04,117 --> 00:13:07,047
like, little things here
and there, but not a bad kid.
272
00:13:07,154 --> 00:13:08,724
I wasn't--All my other friends
were like...
273
00:13:08,822 --> 00:13:10,862
Ahh-ahh-ahh!
They're like...[sniffing]
274
00:13:10,958 --> 00:13:13,788
Ahh-ahh-ahh! "Put it in me!
Just every--
275
00:13:13,894 --> 00:13:17,034
Ahh!" Beer. Beer bongs.
Upside-down beer bongs.
276
00:13:17,130 --> 00:13:18,870
Like, all the penises, right?
277
00:13:18,966 --> 00:13:20,866
And I was sober.
I drove everyone home.
278
00:13:20,968 --> 00:13:25,108
I was safe. And that
really bugged my parents.
279
00:13:25,205 --> 00:13:28,835
I remember driving too slowly
for my mom when I was 16.
280
00:13:28,942 --> 00:13:32,212
"You drive so slow.
We have to go, go, go." Right.
281
00:13:32,312 --> 00:13:37,082
Like, They were always pissed
at me for following rules.
282
00:13:37,184 --> 00:13:39,054
I live in L.A., and all
the parents I hang out with
283
00:13:39,152 --> 00:13:41,722
are all, like, crunchy granola,
right?
284
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:43,921
And I'm trying so hard,
285
00:13:44,024 --> 00:13:47,094
but I have this angry Soviet
inside of me
286
00:13:47,194 --> 00:13:49,504
that I'm constantly
pushing down.
287
00:13:49,596 --> 00:13:51,156
Do you know how hard it is?
288
00:13:51,264 --> 00:13:54,944
You never wanna go full Soviet
in public.
289
00:13:55,035 --> 00:13:56,965
And I'm just push--
Like, "Just get down.
290
00:13:57,070 --> 00:14:01,940
It's not nice to yell."
-[audience laughs]
291
00:14:02,042 --> 00:14:03,782
So, yeah, I'm taking classes.
I'm taking--
292
00:14:03,877 --> 00:14:06,147
It's called Positive Parenting.
293
00:14:06,246 --> 00:14:08,676
Right? And I'm taking classes.
294
00:14:08,781 --> 00:14:11,021
Because here's what they teach
you. They teach you, like,
295
00:14:11,118 --> 00:14:15,058
"When your kids are at Target
296
00:14:15,155 --> 00:14:16,985
on the floor
losing their shit..."
297
00:14:17,090 --> 00:14:19,830
[audience laughs]
298
00:14:19,927 --> 00:14:22,157
"...here's what you do.
You don't yell.
299
00:14:22,262 --> 00:14:24,972
We don't yell. We don't yell.
Here's what you do.
300
00:14:25,065 --> 00:14:29,035
You just--You do a warrior--
a warrior pose.
301
00:14:29,136 --> 00:14:30,796
- [audience laughs]
- Just--
302
00:14:30,904 --> 00:14:34,984
You just open your chakras."
303
00:14:35,075 --> 00:14:40,445
What? Yeah, in the middle
of Target--"Omm. Omm."
304
00:14:40,547 --> 00:14:45,887
My kids are losing their mind,
and I'm just, "Omm."
305
00:14:45,986 --> 00:14:47,916
And then you get down
on their level.
306
00:14:48,021 --> 00:14:49,721
This is what they teach you.
And you talk to them.
307
00:14:49,822 --> 00:14:51,722
"Hey, buddy.
308
00:14:51,824 --> 00:14:54,394
Hey, fr-friend."
309
00:14:54,494 --> 00:14:56,064
[audience laughs]
310
00:14:56,163 --> 00:14:58,803
You have to call
your kid friend!
311
00:14:58,898 --> 00:15:00,928
"Hey, friend.
312
00:15:01,034 --> 00:15:03,804
Are you having f-f-feelings?"
313
00:15:03,903 --> 00:15:06,073
[audience laughs]
314
00:15:06,173 --> 00:15:09,843
"Are you having feelings
in Target?"
315
00:15:09,943 --> 00:15:10,943
And then I feel
the Russian, right?
316
00:15:11,044 --> 00:15:14,214
And I go,
"No. Olga, no. Get down.
317
00:15:14,314 --> 00:15:18,724
It's not nice. Be nice.
- [audience laughs]
318
00:15:18,818 --> 00:15:21,218
It's hard. 'Cause normally
what I'd do in that situation--
319
00:15:21,321 --> 00:15:23,191
My kids are losing their minds
320
00:15:23,290 --> 00:15:25,360
'cause I won't
buy them something. Right?
321
00:15:25,458 --> 00:15:28,058
Here's what I normally do.
I get down on their level.
322
00:15:28,161 --> 00:15:31,001
I think that's nice, right?
And then I speak to them
323
00:15:31,098 --> 00:15:34,298
in a lower satanic register
of my voice.
324
00:15:34,401 --> 00:15:36,271
[audience laughs]
325
00:15:36,369 --> 00:15:39,009
[deep voice]
"Get the fuck off the floor."
326
00:15:39,106 --> 00:15:43,176
[laughter and applause]
327
00:15:46,980 --> 00:15:51,280
"I will drag you out of here...
328
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:52,454
friend."
329
00:15:52,552 --> 00:15:54,192
[audience laughs]
330
00:15:54,287 --> 00:15:58,057
I was beaten severely
as a child.
331
00:15:58,158 --> 00:16:02,198
I could crack my dad up,
so he never hit me.
332
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:05,365
Then I remember my mom did.
333
00:16:05,465 --> 00:16:08,095
My mom--Like, she was good.
She medaled.
334
00:16:08,201 --> 00:16:10,071
I think she--[laughs]
335
00:16:10,170 --> 00:16:13,170
she--she came in gold
or silver a few times.
336
00:16:13,273 --> 00:16:16,513
She was just good at it.
It suit her. She was a natural.
337
00:16:16,609 --> 00:16:20,949
[laughs] She just--
I don't know. I don't know.
338
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:24,278
Look, what's interesting
to me now is--
339
00:16:24,384 --> 00:16:28,024
She is not doing well.
I'm taking care of her now.
340
00:16:28,121 --> 00:16:31,991
So you don't even know
341
00:16:32,092 --> 00:16:36,802
how hard it is
to pivot like that, right,
342
00:16:36,896 --> 00:16:41,996
and be like, "Oh, okay.
Who's vulnerable now?" Right?
343
00:16:42,102 --> 00:16:44,102
But I'm, you know--
344
00:16:44,204 --> 00:16:49,044
I am very sensitive
to her situation.
345
00:16:49,142 --> 00:16:51,382
She doesn't feel,
you know, the same, right?
346
00:16:51,478 --> 00:16:54,008
She's, like, older
and feels weak and--
347
00:16:54,114 --> 00:16:56,284
So I'm kind of giving myself
a pat on the back
348
00:16:56,383 --> 00:16:59,693
that I'm doing
as good of a job as I am, right,
349
00:16:59,786 --> 00:17:02,016
for being smacked around.
350
00:17:02,122 --> 00:17:04,962
But, honestly, like,
I would be really curious
351
00:17:05,058 --> 00:17:08,298
to see how many comics weren't.
352
00:17:08,395 --> 00:17:11,355
It's hard. I'm trying.
I'm trying so hard.
353
00:17:11,464 --> 00:17:14,074
And people are like, "Well,
how are you keeping it alive,
354
00:17:14,167 --> 00:17:16,037
like, during the lockdown?
355
00:17:16,136 --> 00:17:18,306
How to you keep it alive
with your marriage?"
356
00:17:18,405 --> 00:17:21,435
You don't! You don't.
You don't. You don't.
357
00:17:21,541 --> 00:17:25,081
And anyone who is telling you
they are is lying. Lying.
358
00:17:25,178 --> 00:17:26,978
[audience laughs]
359
00:17:27,080 --> 00:17:29,050
How are you gonna keep it alive
360
00:17:29,149 --> 00:17:34,149
when all I'm doing is just,
"Put on your shoes.
361
00:17:34,254 --> 00:17:36,024
Put on your shoes!
You like that?
362
00:17:36,123 --> 00:17:38,163
You like
when I yell at your children?
363
00:17:38,258 --> 00:17:40,958
You like when I'm screaming
and yelling at your kids,
364
00:17:41,060 --> 00:17:43,060
your offspring?"
365
00:17:43,163 --> 00:17:45,003
- [audience laughs]
- MAN: Yeah! Whoo!
366
00:17:45,098 --> 00:17:47,268
I'm trying to lose weight.
It's hard.
367
00:17:47,367 --> 00:17:50,997
But yet my husband,
oh, he has no concern.
368
00:17:51,104 --> 00:17:55,044
Here's the thing.
Guys get to have a dad bod.
369
00:17:55,142 --> 00:17:59,012
Dad bod.
"Look at how sexy he is."
370
00:17:59,112 --> 00:18:01,012
Right? I saw a magazine cover.
371
00:18:01,114 --> 00:18:03,384
Like, "Ben Affleck.
Look at his dad bod."
372
00:18:03,483 --> 00:18:07,193
What? He didn't do anything.
- [audience laughs]
373
00:18:07,287 --> 00:18:10,987
- That's neglect.
- [audience laughs]
374
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:12,960
What are you talking about?
375
00:18:13,059 --> 00:18:17,999
"But look at his--his flat ass
and--and misshapen nipples.
376
00:18:18,097 --> 00:18:20,367
Dad bod."
- [audience laughs]
377
00:18:20,467 --> 00:18:23,367
Where's my magazine cover?
Where's mom bod?
378
00:18:23,470 --> 00:18:27,010
I want them to...
"Look. She still looks pregnant.
379
00:18:27,106 --> 00:18:29,236
Mom bod.
- [audience laughs]
380
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:32,982
Look. Her varicose veins
start spelling words--
381
00:18:33,079 --> 00:18:36,419
'help me. Help me.'
382
00:18:36,516 --> 00:18:39,086
Mom bod.
383
00:18:39,186 --> 00:18:42,186
When she sneezes,
breast milk still shoots out."
384
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:43,389
- [audience laughs]
- MAN: Whoo!
385
00:18:43,490 --> 00:18:46,330
Why isn't that celebrated?
386
00:18:47,627 --> 00:18:50,997
I wish that last one
wasn't true. Oh, my God.
387
00:18:51,097 --> 00:18:53,097
Oh, my God.
388
00:18:53,200 --> 00:18:55,170
So we're trying
new stuff, right,
389
00:18:55,268 --> 00:18:58,238
to, like, keep, you know,
the marriage alive.
390
00:18:58,338 --> 00:19:01,468
It's hard now.
The other day we French kissed.
391
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:05,114
- AUDIENCE: Ooh!
- Ooh! I know.
392
00:19:05,212 --> 00:19:08,322
Well, I tripped on a Lego
while he was yawning.
393
00:19:08,415 --> 00:19:10,645
- [audience laughs]
- But...
394
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,550
I'm gonna count that.
395
00:19:12,652 --> 00:19:14,292
[audience laughs]
396
00:19:14,387 --> 00:19:16,287
Everybody has to do
one of three things
397
00:19:16,389 --> 00:19:18,389
during this lockdown, right?
398
00:19:18,491 --> 00:19:23,131
You have to adopt
a rescue animal.
399
00:19:23,230 --> 00:19:25,330
You're a dick
if you don't adopt.
400
00:19:25,432 --> 00:19:27,402
You gotta make sourdough bread.
401
00:19:27,500 --> 00:19:30,140
I don't know who--
I don't make these up.
402
00:19:30,237 --> 00:19:32,467
And you gotta plant a garden.
We did the garden.
403
00:19:32,572 --> 00:19:35,172
We're doing a garden
in our backyard. Right?
404
00:19:35,275 --> 00:19:37,935
I'm churning butter.
I'm growing out my beard.
405
00:19:38,044 --> 00:19:40,414
We're Amish. We're Amish now.
- [audience laughs]
406
00:19:40,513 --> 00:19:42,383
I call my husband Jebediah,
407
00:19:42,482 --> 00:19:45,182
and I just walk around
the house, "No zippers!"
408
00:19:45,285 --> 00:19:49,585
[audience laughs]
409
00:19:49,689 --> 00:19:53,189
Uh, he's trying to be supportive
of my weight-loss goals. Right?
410
00:19:53,293 --> 00:19:56,163
So for my birthday,
uh, he got me a scale.
411
00:19:56,263 --> 00:19:58,333
[audience laughs]
412
00:19:58,431 --> 00:20:01,431
Yeah. Yeah, you should--
That's--That's terrible.
413
00:20:01,534 --> 00:20:04,604
- [audience laughs]
- And I was mortified.
414
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:08,144
For his birthday next year,
I'm gonna give him a ruler.
415
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:11,081
- [audience laughs]
- WOMAN: Yeah!
416
00:20:11,177 --> 00:20:14,347
[ applause ]
417
00:20:14,447 --> 00:20:16,617
See how you like it.
418
00:20:19,619 --> 00:20:22,559
My 9-year-old is not nice
to his little sister.
419
00:20:22,655 --> 00:20:24,515
He's not. He's a dick.
He is. He's--
420
00:20:24,624 --> 00:20:26,534
I'm sorry. Is that bad? Can I--
421
00:20:26,626 --> 00:20:29,356
Are we not allowed
to speak the truth? No?
422
00:20:29,462 --> 00:20:32,162
No? Yeah? Sweet nuts,
what say you? Do you--
423
00:20:32,265 --> 00:20:33,625
- Absolutely.
- Absolutely.
424
00:20:33,733 --> 00:20:35,543
You're delicious. Um...
- [audience laughs]
425
00:20:35,635 --> 00:20:38,605
He gets out of the bathtub,
right?
426
00:20:38,705 --> 00:20:41,565
Walks over to his little sister
and just...boop.
427
00:20:41,674 --> 00:20:43,744
Teabags--
Teabags his sister. Teabags.
428
00:20:43,843 --> 00:20:45,183
[audience laughs]
429
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:47,578
Oh, You're on my side now. Good.
430
00:20:47,680 --> 00:20:51,150
I was like,
"Don't teabag your sister."
431
00:20:51,250 --> 00:20:53,620
But I said the words,
and he goes,
432
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,360
"What's teabag?"
433
00:20:55,455 --> 00:20:58,255
[audience laughs]
434
00:20:59,859 --> 00:21:02,329
"When two people
love each other..."
435
00:21:02,429 --> 00:21:04,499
[audience laughs]
436
00:21:08,635 --> 00:21:11,395
Everyone's so up in arms
about this millenn--
437
00:21:11,504 --> 00:21:13,514
Like, the Tinder generation.
438
00:21:13,606 --> 00:21:16,476
That they can't, like,
stop hanging out and partying.
439
00:21:16,576 --> 00:21:20,406
Everyone's like, "How dare you?"
Really? Are you that surprised
440
00:21:20,513 --> 00:21:23,883
from a generation of kids
who swipe one time
441
00:21:23,983 --> 00:21:26,723
and they're fingering each other
in an Applebee's parking lot?
442
00:21:26,819 --> 00:21:31,289
You're that surprised that they
can't socially distance?
443
00:21:31,391 --> 00:21:34,661
Here's the thing.
My kids have allergies.
444
00:21:34,761 --> 00:21:38,301
Yes? No? Anyone here? Yeah?
We can talk about it?
445
00:21:38,398 --> 00:21:40,368
What's your allergy, cardigan?
What's happening?
446
00:21:40,467 --> 00:21:41,467
- WOMAN: Everything.
- Everything.
447
00:21:41,568 --> 00:21:43,368
Why are you here? You could die.
448
00:21:43,470 --> 00:21:45,740
You could die here tonight.
449
00:21:45,838 --> 00:21:47,408
[audience laughs]
450
00:21:47,507 --> 00:21:50,277
I tried to, like,
ask my parents, right?
451
00:21:50,377 --> 00:21:52,277
Like, I call them.
It's impossible
452
00:21:52,379 --> 00:21:54,409
to get information
out of Russians.
453
00:21:54,514 --> 00:21:57,424
I'm like,
"Mom, uh, when I was little,
454
00:21:57,517 --> 00:21:59,247
did I have any allergies?"
455
00:21:59,352 --> 00:22:00,822
[Russian accent]
"Who knows?"
456
00:22:00,920 --> 00:22:03,220
[audience laughs]
457
00:22:03,322 --> 00:22:05,462
"What do you mean, who knows?
458
00:22:05,558 --> 00:22:08,258
You. That's your job."
459
00:22:08,361 --> 00:22:12,261
"Ah, we--we don't pay attention
460
00:22:12,365 --> 00:22:15,635
to these things in Russia.
461
00:22:15,735 --> 00:22:17,665
That's only in this country.
462
00:22:17,770 --> 00:22:21,740
Allergies. Allergies.
- [audience laughs]
463
00:22:21,841 --> 00:22:24,611
If I wait in line seven hours
for peanuts,
464
00:22:24,711 --> 00:22:27,251
you're going to eat
these peanuts."
465
00:22:27,346 --> 00:22:31,316
[audience laughs]
466
00:22:31,418 --> 00:22:33,288
You can't ask them anything,
467
00:22:33,386 --> 00:22:37,186
because they don't
remember anything.
468
00:22:37,289 --> 00:22:40,529
I asked my dad, "What was my
first day of kindergarten like?"
469
00:22:40,627 --> 00:22:43,257
And he's like, "Why? Who do you
work for? Who sent you?"
470
00:22:43,362 --> 00:22:47,472
[audience laughs]
471
00:22:47,567 --> 00:22:49,437
I ask him, like,
any medical stuff.
472
00:22:49,536 --> 00:22:51,496
"Did I have the chicken pox?"
473
00:22:51,604 --> 00:22:53,344
"Ah, one day
you stopped breathing."
474
00:22:53,440 --> 00:22:55,340
"What?
- [audience laughs]
475
00:22:55,442 --> 00:22:57,682
What? That's..."
476
00:22:59,846 --> 00:23:03,476
I'm sweating like
I'm immigrating all over again.
477
00:23:03,583 --> 00:23:05,493
You guys are okay?
I can just do this?
478
00:23:05,585 --> 00:23:06,915
- [crickets chirping]
- They're gonna cut--
479
00:23:07,019 --> 00:23:09,159
They're gonna cut
the crickets out, hopefully.
480
00:23:09,255 --> 00:23:13,385
Jesus. I've never been heckled
by critters before.
481
00:23:13,493 --> 00:23:17,363
[audience laughs]
482
00:23:17,464 --> 00:23:19,334
Here's the thing.
Uh, for those of you
483
00:23:19,432 --> 00:23:22,302
that don't have kids, congrats.
484
00:23:22,401 --> 00:23:24,971
Um...
- [audience laughs]
485
00:23:25,071 --> 00:23:29,341
But I didn't know anything
about kids before I had them.
486
00:23:29,442 --> 00:23:31,612
Right? Like, I had no idea.
487
00:23:31,711 --> 00:23:34,751
I was so oblivious.
488
00:23:34,847 --> 00:23:37,777
I remember once
I was at this hotel pool.
489
00:23:37,884 --> 00:23:40,624
Right?
And this adorable 4-year-old,
490
00:23:40,720 --> 00:23:42,350
like, jumps in the water.
491
00:23:42,455 --> 00:23:44,455
Right? So all I said was,
492
00:23:44,557 --> 00:23:47,787
"Wow. You are such a good
swimmer. What a big boy."
493
00:23:47,894 --> 00:23:51,464
This kid looked in my eyes, and
he was like, "Stranger danger!"
494
00:23:51,564 --> 00:23:55,504
[audience laughs]
495
00:23:55,602 --> 00:23:56,702
So, you know,
I love kids, right?
496
00:23:56,803 --> 00:23:58,843
So I said,
"You shut the fuck up."
497
00:23:58,938 --> 00:24:01,538
[audience laughs]
498
00:24:01,641 --> 00:24:04,711
But he's just screaming,
"Stranger danger!"
499
00:24:04,811 --> 00:24:09,581
So I slowly put
my bathing suit back on.
500
00:24:09,682 --> 00:24:12,452
- [audience laughs]
- You guys, thank you so much.
501
00:24:12,552 --> 00:24:17,822
[cheering]
502
00:24:17,924 --> 00:24:20,834
***
503
00:24:20,927 --> 00:24:23,457
- Oh, thanks. Enjoy.
- You were good.
504
00:24:23,563 --> 00:24:25,333
I was sweating.
Shouldn't have worn a sweater.
505
00:24:25,431 --> 00:24:26,631
Really?
506
00:24:26,733 --> 00:24:29,773
If I can make strangers smile,
507
00:24:29,869 --> 00:24:33,769
just random people,
that, to me, is such a high.
508
00:24:33,873 --> 00:24:37,513
That's the high that we chase.
Not just in a comedy club.
509
00:24:37,610 --> 00:24:39,780
Like, I just--
I was fucking around
510
00:24:39,879 --> 00:24:41,509
with the guy that took
my temperature, you know.
511
00:24:41,614 --> 00:24:43,824
It's like...have fun.
512
00:24:43,916 --> 00:24:46,716
***
513
00:24:46,819 --> 00:24:50,459
When I wrestled,
I couldn't get myself in a state
514
00:24:50,557 --> 00:24:52,987
to go and compete
at a high level,
515
00:24:53,092 --> 00:24:56,632
and I regret that.
And now in stand-up,
516
00:24:56,729 --> 00:24:59,969
I'm taking the opportunity
right before you go on
517
00:25:00,066 --> 00:25:04,296
mentally getting yourself ready
to go out there and perform.
518
00:25:04,403 --> 00:25:06,973
MAN: Put your hands together for
the very funny Mike Vecchione.
519
00:25:07,073 --> 00:25:10,483
[cheers and applause]
520
00:25:10,577 --> 00:25:16,577
***
521
00:25:16,683 --> 00:25:18,453
Thank you guys so much
for having me.
522
00:25:18,551 --> 00:25:19,591
- MAN: Whoo!
- Thank you.
523
00:25:19,686 --> 00:25:21,446
It's great to be in L.A.
524
00:25:21,554 --> 00:25:23,694
I, uh, flew in from New York,
525
00:25:23,790 --> 00:25:26,890
so, uh, I did risk my life
for this.
526
00:25:26,993 --> 00:25:29,733
I'm very happy
to have, uh, risked my life.
527
00:25:29,829 --> 00:25:33,499
So thank you for having me. And
what a beautiful setup it is.
528
00:25:33,600 --> 00:25:35,840
We're doing this outside,
for those of you at home,
529
00:25:35,935 --> 00:25:38,565
uh, in the mountains,
so that's kind of nice.
530
00:25:38,671 --> 00:25:40,771
Uh, we're avoiding Covid,
531
00:25:40,873 --> 00:25:43,743
but we could be attacked
by wolves at any time.
532
00:25:43,843 --> 00:25:45,713
I think I did my research
on this, okay?
533
00:25:45,812 --> 00:25:49,452
Wolves can come out
of the darkness at any time.
534
00:25:49,548 --> 00:25:51,378
The setup is great.
535
00:25:51,483 --> 00:25:54,923
Um, these lights, I mean,
they may appear to be lights,
536
00:25:55,021 --> 00:25:58,761
but, uh, they're actually
taking your temperature
537
00:25:58,858 --> 00:26:02,898
throughout the show. And if any
of you guys go above, uh, 99,
538
00:26:02,995 --> 00:26:05,765
um, we throw you
into the mountains, okay,
539
00:26:05,865 --> 00:26:09,465
and we--we let the wolves,
uh, take a shot at you. Okay?
540
00:26:09,568 --> 00:26:10,698
[audience laughs]
541
00:26:10,803 --> 00:26:13,413
Um, I don't know.
542
00:26:13,505 --> 00:26:15,705
I think we should talk about
the pandemic that's happening.
543
00:26:15,808 --> 00:26:17,738
I think right off the back--
I know
544
00:26:17,844 --> 00:26:21,984
it might not be, uh, the
responsible thing to do, but...
545
00:26:22,081 --> 00:26:25,581
What do we know about it?
What do we know about Covid-19?
546
00:26:25,685 --> 00:26:28,915
Um, we know it's from China,
so it works.
547
00:26:29,021 --> 00:26:33,731
- [audience laughs]
- Um...
548
00:26:33,826 --> 00:26:37,856
I wasn't a natural wrestler.
I had to work very hard,
549
00:26:37,964 --> 00:26:39,934
and I was good for my area
when I, you know--
550
00:26:40,032 --> 00:26:43,072
when I was in high school.
But during the tournaments--
551
00:26:43,169 --> 00:26:46,609
It's humiliating to get pinned
in a gymnasium full of people,
552
00:26:46,706 --> 00:26:48,776
and, uh, I was not good
at dealing with failure.
553
00:26:48,875 --> 00:26:50,875
I was not good at figuring out
554
00:26:50,977 --> 00:26:52,807
how to fail
and how to come back from it.
555
00:26:52,912 --> 00:26:54,882
Now if--if I fail, I know more.
556
00:26:54,981 --> 00:26:56,881
So it's like, "Oh, this is
the nature of things."
557
00:26:56,983 --> 00:26:58,923
So I get up
and a joke doesn't work,
558
00:26:59,018 --> 00:27:00,748
it's like, "Okay, I got
to tweak it. I have to work it."
559
00:27:00,853 --> 00:27:02,763
You know, I take the loss,
560
00:27:02,855 --> 00:27:04,885
and you just recoup
and figure out another way.
561
00:27:04,991 --> 00:27:06,861
It's not life-stopping.
562
00:27:06,959 --> 00:27:09,029
But back then,
I didn't have that perspective,
563
00:27:09,128 --> 00:27:13,698
so I was, like, devastated
by every loss and every failure.
564
00:27:13,800 --> 00:27:17,570
Who do I blame
for the pandemic, guys?
565
00:27:17,670 --> 00:27:19,040
'Cause, uh, I'm an Italian,
566
00:27:19,138 --> 00:27:21,738
and, uh, we're not good
at fixing things.
567
00:27:21,841 --> 00:27:25,081
Uh, we're good at blaming people
for things.
568
00:27:25,177 --> 00:27:28,917
In my family anyway. We did
a good job of blaming people.
569
00:27:29,015 --> 00:27:32,815
Uh, so who do I blame
for the pandemic?
570
00:27:32,919 --> 00:27:35,759
The people who wanted
to get rid of straws.
571
00:27:35,855 --> 00:27:37,885
- [audience laughs]
- Where are those heroes?
572
00:27:37,990 --> 00:27:39,790
Where are those heroes
right now?
573
00:27:39,892 --> 00:27:42,062
"Get rid of the straws.
Get rid of the straws.
574
00:27:42,161 --> 00:27:44,731
You're killing the turtles.
Get rid of the straws."
575
00:27:44,831 --> 00:27:46,871
Fine. The straws are gone.
576
00:27:46,966 --> 00:27:49,636
Now we're putting
our mouths on everything.
577
00:27:49,736 --> 00:27:52,566
We're walldogging everything
with our mouths,
578
00:27:52,671 --> 00:27:55,071
and now we all have
the coronavirus.
579
00:27:55,174 --> 00:27:58,044
And are the turtles helping us
now that we're dying?
580
00:27:58,144 --> 00:27:59,814
[audience laughs]
581
00:27:59,912 --> 00:28:02,082
Mine isn't, Harvey Weinstein.
- AUDIENCE: Ohh!
582
00:28:02,181 --> 00:28:06,691
I named him
before the scandal, guys. Okay?
583
00:28:06,786 --> 00:28:09,756
He's got his head
in the shell, quarantining.
584
00:28:11,724 --> 00:28:13,794
Probably mumbling ethnic slurs.
585
00:28:13,893 --> 00:28:16,833
No. 'Cause turtles
are 100, guys. Okay?
586
00:28:16,929 --> 00:28:18,699
You don't think
they're mumbling slurs,
587
00:28:18,798 --> 00:28:21,898
you've got your head
in the sand. All right?
588
00:28:22,001 --> 00:28:24,941
I'm 100% Italian. That's never
helped me in my life.
589
00:28:25,037 --> 00:28:27,737
I thought it was gonna be
pretty special when I was 10,
590
00:28:27,840 --> 00:28:30,140
but it turns out no one cares.
- [audience laughs]
591
00:28:30,242 --> 00:28:31,942
The only time I tell people now
is when I give blood.
592
00:28:32,044 --> 00:28:33,914
'Cause they're like,
"What's your blood type?"
593
00:28:34,013 --> 00:28:38,253
I'm like, "It's funny
you should ask. 100% Italian."
594
00:28:38,350 --> 00:28:40,820
They're like, "That's not at all
what we mean."
595
00:28:40,920 --> 00:28:43,760
- [audience laughs]
- I'm like, "It's what I mean,
596
00:28:43,856 --> 00:28:45,856
'cause I want my blood
to go to somebody eating,
597
00:28:45,958 --> 00:28:48,728
yelling, or holding a grudge
for no reason."
598
00:28:48,828 --> 00:28:51,028
'Cause that's what Italians
are good at.
599
00:28:51,130 --> 00:28:53,900
And gambling.
Losing at gambling.
600
00:28:54,000 --> 00:28:55,030
My father had
a gambling problem.
601
00:28:55,134 --> 00:28:57,074
He lost our house when I was 11.
602
00:28:57,169 --> 00:28:59,039
But he didn't come home
and say, "I lost the house."
603
00:28:59,138 --> 00:29:01,038
He came home and said,
"Mike, how would you like
604
00:29:01,140 --> 00:29:03,610
to go camping forever?"
- [audience laughs]
605
00:29:03,709 --> 00:29:06,809
That's what he called it when
he lost, guys--camping forever.
606
00:29:06,913 --> 00:29:08,853
There's no help for gamblers.
607
00:29:08,948 --> 00:29:10,878
There's one sign
as you drive into Las Vegas.
608
00:29:10,983 --> 00:29:12,753
It says, "Gambling problem?
Please call this number."
609
00:29:12,852 --> 00:29:14,752
That's ineffective.
610
00:29:14,854 --> 00:29:16,694
It should at least say,
"Gambling problem?
611
00:29:16,789 --> 00:29:18,859
I bet you won't call
this number."
612
00:29:18,958 --> 00:29:21,058
That'll be more effective,
you know,
613
00:29:21,160 --> 00:29:22,960
because these people
have a gambling problem.
614
00:29:23,062 --> 00:29:25,932
- [ applause ]
- Thank you. Thank you.
615
00:29:26,032 --> 00:29:27,972
Thank you.
You guys are too kind.
616
00:29:28,067 --> 00:29:30,937
My father was, uh--
Because his father--
617
00:29:31,037 --> 00:29:36,737
Um, he was, uh, bipolar but
wasn't diagnosed at the time.
618
00:29:36,843 --> 00:29:39,113
So, um, the way
our family dynamic was
619
00:29:39,211 --> 00:29:42,181
is my--my father
was loving but volatile.
620
00:29:42,281 --> 00:29:44,381
He was emotional and volatile--
all over--
621
00:29:44,483 --> 00:29:47,623
And that's for good and for bad.
But my mother was the anchor.
622
00:29:47,719 --> 00:29:50,719
No matter how volatile it got.
And it got volatile at times.
623
00:29:50,823 --> 00:29:52,833
When I was 40,
we got into an argument,
624
00:29:52,925 --> 00:29:54,925
and we didn't talk for a year.
625
00:29:55,027 --> 00:29:57,627
And, um, when we finally talked,
and he wouldn't--
626
00:29:57,729 --> 00:30:01,729
he refused to apologize to me,
and he was clearly out of line.
627
00:30:01,834 --> 00:30:03,844
And, uh--
But he did say something
628
00:30:03,936 --> 00:30:05,166
that clarified things for me.
629
00:30:05,271 --> 00:30:07,771
And he said, "If you
would've had my upbringing,
630
00:30:07,874 --> 00:30:11,114
you would be in jail
or on drugs or dead by now."
631
00:30:11,210 --> 00:30:14,210
So that gave me some perspective
on where he came from.
632
00:30:14,313 --> 00:30:16,953
And that's his way of saying,
"Look, man,
633
00:30:17,049 --> 00:30:20,719
I'm already operating
so far over my head
634
00:30:20,819 --> 00:30:22,219
that you don't even understand."
635
00:30:22,321 --> 00:30:24,661
That snapped it
into focus for me a little bit,
636
00:30:24,756 --> 00:30:27,186
and I was like, "Okay,
this isn't that big of a deal."
637
00:30:27,293 --> 00:30:30,733
I was in Las Vegas performing
before the dark times,
638
00:30:30,829 --> 00:30:33,669
and, uh,
I had gotten food poisoning.
639
00:30:33,765 --> 00:30:36,165
And as you guys know there
are no doctors in Las Vegas,
640
00:30:36,268 --> 00:30:40,938
so I had to go to a magician,
and, uh, he would not help me
641
00:30:41,040 --> 00:30:43,210
because he was too busy
sawing a woman in half.
642
00:30:43,309 --> 00:30:46,749
Which I think is wrong, ladies.
Women are people.
643
00:30:46,845 --> 00:30:48,845
You guys don't deserve that.
644
00:30:48,948 --> 00:30:50,748
You don't deserve
to be sawed in half.
645
00:30:50,849 --> 00:30:52,989
I'll stand my ground
on that one.
646
00:30:53,085 --> 00:30:54,845
- [audience laughs]
- You guys do not deserve
647
00:30:54,954 --> 00:30:56,124
to be sawed in half.
648
00:30:56,222 --> 00:30:58,322
Feminism, ladies.
You're killing it. Great job.
649
00:30:58,424 --> 00:30:59,964
WOMAN: Whoo!
650
00:31:00,059 --> 00:31:03,029
But there are some problems
with feminism.
651
00:31:03,129 --> 00:31:06,399
Female teachers are having sex
with their male students,
652
00:31:06,498 --> 00:31:08,698
and I think it's wrong.
653
00:31:08,800 --> 00:31:10,970
I think it's wrong because
I never got to fuck my teachers.
654
00:31:11,070 --> 00:31:14,070
Okay?
I was not good-looking enough
655
00:31:14,173 --> 00:31:15,873
to have sex with my teachers.
656
00:31:15,975 --> 00:31:18,235
I had to have sex with who?
The crossing guard.
657
00:31:18,344 --> 00:31:23,124
No. No. I had consensual sex
with the crossing guard.
658
00:31:23,215 --> 00:31:25,015
You can't have
nonconsensual sex
659
00:31:25,117 --> 00:31:27,017
with a crossing guard, guys.
660
00:31:27,119 --> 00:31:28,989
'Cause even if she says no
and you don't hear it,
661
00:31:29,088 --> 00:31:31,518
she has a sign that says "stop."
662
00:31:31,623 --> 00:31:36,263
[cheers and applause]
663
00:31:36,362 --> 00:31:38,232
It's a hard time
for the ladies right now.
664
00:31:38,330 --> 00:31:40,330
I'll say it.
It's a hard time for women.
665
00:31:40,432 --> 00:31:42,132
But you know who else
it's a hard time for, ladies?
666
00:31:42,234 --> 00:31:45,204
Good men.
We're on the defensive.
667
00:31:45,304 --> 00:31:46,914
My sister called me last night.
668
00:31:47,006 --> 00:31:48,236
She's like, "What did you
do today?" I'm like,
669
00:31:48,340 --> 00:31:50,310
"Well, I didn't rape.
I'll tell you that much.
670
00:31:50,409 --> 00:31:53,079
That's what I didn't do."
- [audience laughs]
671
00:31:54,313 --> 00:31:56,853
Ladies, we're trying
to get better,
672
00:31:56,949 --> 00:31:58,279
but you have
to have patience with us.
673
00:31:58,384 --> 00:32:00,394
We're trying to be better men.
You know?
674
00:32:00,486 --> 00:32:03,316
I read this article. The police
in Florida found a severed penis
675
00:32:03,422 --> 00:32:07,492
on the side of the road
with a condom on it.
676
00:32:07,593 --> 00:32:09,963
I'm like, "Wow. That guy was
worried about the wrong things."
677
00:32:10,062 --> 00:32:11,832
[audience laughs]
678
00:32:11,930 --> 00:32:14,130
Gotta give us some time, ladies.
679
00:32:14,233 --> 00:32:16,073
I played football and wrestled,
680
00:32:16,168 --> 00:32:18,938
and both of those sports
really humble you.
681
00:32:19,038 --> 00:32:22,268
I love football.
I love the contact of it now.
682
00:32:22,374 --> 00:32:24,084
I don't know
if it's the connection
683
00:32:24,176 --> 00:32:26,176
between, "Hey, if I run
head first into somebody,
684
00:32:26,278 --> 00:32:28,948
not only is he gonna feel it,
I'm gonna feel it."
685
00:32:29,048 --> 00:32:31,218
So that becomes very real
at a very young age.
686
00:32:31,317 --> 00:32:32,917
And I think
if you don't have that,
687
00:32:33,019 --> 00:32:35,149
you just kinda get lost
in the fantasies
688
00:32:35,254 --> 00:32:37,264
of, like, "I'm Spider-Man,"
"I'm Batman." It's like--
689
00:32:37,356 --> 00:32:39,186
It's nice to have those
fantasies when you're young,
690
00:32:39,291 --> 00:32:40,961
but they come crashing down
691
00:32:41,060 --> 00:32:43,960
when you realize when you
run into somebody, it's--
692
00:32:44,063 --> 00:32:45,963
You're gonna feel it,
they're gonna feel it.
693
00:32:46,065 --> 00:32:49,335
So I think if we had,
you know, more of that,
694
00:32:49,435 --> 00:32:51,935
probably we would have
less people
695
00:32:52,038 --> 00:32:53,568
just saying things
they don't mean
696
00:32:53,672 --> 00:32:56,912
or just hurting people without
realizing what they're doing.
697
00:32:57,009 --> 00:32:59,009
This better work out
for me, guys.
698
00:32:59,111 --> 00:33:01,081
I'm not just talking
about this step in my career.
699
00:33:01,180 --> 00:33:03,220
'Cause I'm, uh--
[clears throat]
700
00:33:03,315 --> 00:33:05,915
I--I would not be able
to get a job.
701
00:33:06,018 --> 00:33:07,518
And a lot of people are like,
702
00:33:07,619 --> 00:33:09,089
"Oh, you don't think
you have the skills?"
703
00:33:09,188 --> 00:33:11,958
I'm like, "I don't know
what the jobs are."
704
00:33:12,058 --> 00:33:14,158
When I got out of high school,
705
00:33:14,260 --> 00:33:17,130
there were five jobs you could
have--five you could've had.
706
00:33:17,229 --> 00:33:19,469
There was a band
called the Village People.
707
00:33:19,565 --> 00:33:21,865
[audience laughs]
708
00:33:21,967 --> 00:33:24,267
Those were your job choices.
709
00:33:24,370 --> 00:33:29,310
I was an Indian chief
from 1991 to 1995.
710
00:33:29,408 --> 00:33:33,448
Okay, guys? That's what I'm
talking about, millennials.
711
00:33:33,545 --> 00:33:35,975
I went to school for
criminal justice at Penn State.
712
00:33:36,082 --> 00:33:38,382
Uh, four years
to get the degree.
713
00:33:38,484 --> 00:33:40,894
And then I got out and wasn't
sure what I wanted to do.
714
00:33:40,986 --> 00:33:45,316
I, uh, tried to get into law
school, and I didn't get in.
715
00:33:45,424 --> 00:33:48,364
My LSATs weren't high enough.
So I'm like, "Okay, that's--
716
00:33:48,460 --> 00:33:50,260
I'm not supposed
to go to law school."
717
00:33:50,362 --> 00:33:52,202
So I was
in the Philadelphia area,
718
00:33:52,298 --> 00:33:54,328
and, uh--and I started working
719
00:33:54,433 --> 00:33:58,343
with, uh, gang kids--
and, uh--at a school.
720
00:33:58,437 --> 00:34:01,037
If you read the case histories
of some of these kids, man,
721
00:34:01,140 --> 00:34:03,240
it'll break your heart.
I mean, my childhood,
722
00:34:03,342 --> 00:34:05,042
you know, it wasn't perfect.
723
00:34:05,144 --> 00:34:07,484
But, I mean, I'm looking
at other people's hist--
724
00:34:07,579 --> 00:34:11,049
They were always in my corner.
They always had my back.
725
00:34:11,150 --> 00:34:13,050
There's something in that
where I was like,
726
00:34:13,152 --> 00:34:14,992
"Oh, maybe I can give back
in some way."
727
00:34:15,087 --> 00:34:17,017
I work with adjudicated kids--
728
00:34:17,123 --> 00:34:18,293
kids who were gonna go
to lockup,
729
00:34:18,390 --> 00:34:20,190
and instead,
they went to this school.
730
00:34:20,292 --> 00:34:23,262
You let them have their freedom
but within a structure.
731
00:34:23,362 --> 00:34:26,172
Once you have that structure
in place and they feel safe,
732
00:34:26,265 --> 00:34:28,195
you watch them
just become kids again.
733
00:34:28,300 --> 00:34:30,040
Even the toughest kids,
they're just like--
734
00:34:30,136 --> 00:34:32,366
they are able to relax
and become kids.
735
00:34:32,471 --> 00:34:34,141
I didn't know what I wanted
to do with my life
736
00:34:34,240 --> 00:34:35,610
when I got out of high school.
737
00:34:35,707 --> 00:34:37,577
I went online
to become a private detective.
738
00:34:37,676 --> 00:34:39,546
It was a private
detective school online,
739
00:34:39,645 --> 00:34:41,205
and I paid online.
740
00:34:41,313 --> 00:34:43,423
I never heard from them again.
- [audience laughs]
741
00:34:43,515 --> 00:34:46,015
I thought to myself,
"I either got ripped off
742
00:34:46,118 --> 00:34:48,048
or this is my first case."
743
00:34:48,154 --> 00:34:51,064
- [audience laughs]
- It's a tricky world.
744
00:34:51,157 --> 00:34:54,357
It's a tricky world
out there, guys.
745
00:34:57,363 --> 00:35:00,203
But, millennials, can I, uh--
can I say something to you?
746
00:35:00,299 --> 00:35:02,099
You're smarter
than my generation.
747
00:35:02,201 --> 00:35:05,541
I'm from Generation X.
- [audience laughs]
748
00:35:05,637 --> 00:35:08,237
Gen X. Maybe you heard of us.
We're still on the streets.
749
00:35:08,340 --> 00:35:12,380
Banging. But you guys are
smarter person for person.
750
00:35:12,478 --> 00:35:14,308
But a lot of times
you miss the big picture.
751
00:35:14,413 --> 00:35:17,253
I was in Seattle
before the dark times,
752
00:35:17,349 --> 00:35:21,349
and, uh, there was a old man
feeding the pigeons,
753
00:35:21,453 --> 00:35:23,563
and this group
of millennial activists
754
00:35:23,655 --> 00:35:25,455
was gonna stop him 'cause
he's feeding the pigeons bread.
755
00:35:25,557 --> 00:35:27,257
Bread is bad for the pigeons.
756
00:35:27,359 --> 00:35:30,029
Technically, you're correct,
millennials,
757
00:35:30,128 --> 00:35:31,558
but a couple of things
to consider.
758
00:35:31,663 --> 00:35:35,333
Number one: the pigeon has 26
different kinds of diseases.
759
00:35:35,434 --> 00:35:37,544
All right?
Let him have a cheat day.
760
00:35:37,636 --> 00:35:39,706
- [audience laughs]
- Let him have some bread.
761
00:35:39,805 --> 00:35:43,505
He probably has Covid before
Covid was a thing. All right?
762
00:35:43,609 --> 00:35:48,149
The other thing: the man feeding
the pigeons is 100.
763
00:35:48,247 --> 00:35:50,517
He can't see or hear.
All his friends are dead.
764
00:35:50,616 --> 00:35:52,976
Let him feed
the fucking pigeons.
765
00:35:53,084 --> 00:35:56,154
Not to mention the fact that's
how they use to communicate
766
00:35:56,255 --> 00:36:00,355
in his day--by pigeon.
- [audience laughs]
767
00:36:00,459 --> 00:36:04,059
So in his mind, millennials,
he's charging his cellphone.
768
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:06,332
[audience laughs]
769
00:36:06,432 --> 00:36:09,242
Nailed it. Nailed it. Great job.
770
00:36:09,335 --> 00:36:11,165
Let 'em hear it
in the mountains, guys.
771
00:36:11,270 --> 00:36:12,500
Let 'em hear it
in the mountains.
772
00:36:12,604 --> 00:36:15,174
- [cheering]
- What a great crowd.
773
00:36:15,274 --> 00:36:18,184
What a great crowd.
774
00:36:18,277 --> 00:36:21,307
Here's where I feel sorry
for millennials--dating.
775
00:36:21,413 --> 00:36:22,513
There's no more compromise.
776
00:36:22,614 --> 00:36:25,254
You can just throw
the other person away.
777
00:36:25,351 --> 00:36:28,391
No more compromise?
What is that? You know?
778
00:36:28,487 --> 00:36:31,157
That's how we were brought up.
Comp--You had to compromise.
779
00:36:31,257 --> 00:36:33,457
I went on a date. Okay?
No compromise.
780
00:36:33,559 --> 00:36:36,089
First thing the woman
said to me, "I'm a vegan.
781
00:36:36,194 --> 00:36:39,404
I'm a vegan."
- [woman laughs]
782
00:36:39,498 --> 00:36:42,098
Is that the first thing we
should be saying to each other?
783
00:36:42,200 --> 00:36:44,400
How about your name?
784
00:36:44,503 --> 00:36:47,273
Let's work our way
to dietary preferences.
785
00:36:47,373 --> 00:36:49,513
"I'm a vegan."
- [audience laughs]
786
00:36:49,608 --> 00:36:53,348
So very calmly, I go,
"Look, I am on the keto diet.
787
00:36:53,445 --> 00:36:56,345
All I eat is meat."
788
00:36:56,448 --> 00:36:58,618
We're on opposite ends
of the dietary spectrum,
789
00:36:58,717 --> 00:37:00,387
but there's a chance
to, what, compromise.
790
00:37:00,486 --> 00:37:03,146
But we did not go down
that road.
791
00:37:03,255 --> 00:37:05,185
'Cause then she goes,
"I won't even eat food
792
00:37:05,291 --> 00:37:08,231
that has touched meat,"
and then I go,
793
00:37:08,327 --> 00:37:11,297
"I only eat
emotional support animals."
794
00:37:11,397 --> 00:37:12,427
You wanna keep playing
this game?
795
00:37:12,531 --> 00:37:14,131
We can keep playing this game.
796
00:37:14,232 --> 00:37:17,342
[audience laughs]
797
00:37:19,571 --> 00:37:21,511
There's a lot of heartbreak
798
00:37:21,607 --> 00:37:24,237
behind some of these jokes,
guys. You know?
799
00:37:24,343 --> 00:37:26,283
I was engaged,
and then after the breakup,
800
00:37:26,378 --> 00:37:28,408
I just started going
to open mics.
801
00:37:28,514 --> 00:37:31,354
'Cause I had the mentality
of, "Who cares if I fail?
802
00:37:31,450 --> 00:37:34,350
Who cares? Just--Who cares?"
I'll take risks.
803
00:37:34,453 --> 00:37:37,263
Sometimes I would do okay,
and sometimes I wouldn't.
804
00:37:37,356 --> 00:37:39,086
I started at the Laff House
in Philadelphia.
805
00:37:39,190 --> 00:37:42,530
And some guys are funny right
away. That wasn't my route.
806
00:37:42,628 --> 00:37:45,258
I just--But there was something
valuable in it.
807
00:37:45,364 --> 00:37:47,474
I was like, this--
Public speaking is gonna help me
808
00:37:47,566 --> 00:37:50,396
in some capacity.
Maybe I get my master's.
809
00:37:50,502 --> 00:37:54,072
Maybe it'll help me
in my career in education.
810
00:37:54,172 --> 00:37:56,542
But I'm not gonna be actually
able to do this for a living.
811
00:37:56,642 --> 00:37:59,042
But after about three years,
I was like,
812
00:37:59,144 --> 00:38:01,484
"Ah, this is kind of--
I'm getting better at this."
813
00:38:01,580 --> 00:38:04,480
Uh, that's when I decided
to move to New York.
814
00:38:04,583 --> 00:38:06,723
New York really changed me
815
00:38:06,818 --> 00:38:10,218
in terms of, like, I put,
uh, stand-up comedy first.
816
00:38:10,322 --> 00:38:11,422
Last girl--I broke up with her
817
00:38:11,523 --> 00:38:12,693
because it was
too much fighting.
818
00:38:12,791 --> 00:38:15,161
You ever have that?
Where you love somebody,
819
00:38:15,260 --> 00:38:16,630
but it's too much fighting.
I told her--I'm like, "Sweetie,
820
00:38:16,728 --> 00:38:18,798
I'm already fighting the world.
821
00:38:18,897 --> 00:38:20,427
I can't fight the world
822
00:38:20,532 --> 00:38:21,832
and then come home
and fight you.
823
00:38:21,933 --> 00:38:24,243
I have no time to rest."
- [audience laughs]
824
00:38:24,336 --> 00:38:25,736
It's like being
in a boxing match.
825
00:38:25,837 --> 00:38:27,607
You're punching your opponent.
Your opponent's punching you.
826
00:38:27,706 --> 00:38:30,376
But then the bell rings,
and you go back to your corner.
827
00:38:30,476 --> 00:38:33,346
But then your trainer
starts punching you
828
00:38:33,445 --> 00:38:34,345
'cause he thought you
were looking at a ring girl
829
00:38:34,446 --> 00:38:35,776
for too long.
830
00:38:35,881 --> 00:38:39,281
[audience laughs]
831
00:38:39,385 --> 00:38:42,485
She suffered
from seasonal depression.
832
00:38:42,588 --> 00:38:44,688
You know who doesn't wanna hear
about seasonal depression?
833
00:38:44,790 --> 00:38:48,290
People who are alive
during the Great Depression.
834
00:38:48,394 --> 00:38:49,734
'Cause I told my grandfather.
835
00:38:49,828 --> 00:38:51,558
I'm like, "Grandpa,
you gotta meet my girlfriend.
836
00:38:51,663 --> 00:38:54,703
You guys have so much in common.
- [audience laughs]
837
00:38:54,800 --> 00:38:57,440
You almost died 'cause you
didn't have any bread,
838
00:38:57,536 --> 00:39:00,236
and she gets really sad
when it's cloudy out.
839
00:39:00,338 --> 00:39:02,338
You guys are like twins,
Pop-Pop."
840
00:39:02,441 --> 00:39:06,241
- [audience laughs]
- We got into huge fights
841
00:39:06,344 --> 00:39:07,514
'cause at the time
I did not believe
842
00:39:07,613 --> 00:39:08,883
seasonal depression was real,
843
00:39:08,980 --> 00:39:10,480
and she would get pissed.
844
00:39:10,582 --> 00:39:12,352
"You don't think it's real?"
I'm like, "No, I don't."
845
00:39:12,451 --> 00:39:13,591
I'm like, "I don't think
any diseases are real
846
00:39:13,685 --> 00:39:17,285
that you can cure
by moving to Florida."
847
00:39:17,389 --> 00:39:19,389
I'm like,
"If it is a real disease,
848
00:39:19,491 --> 00:39:20,931
what are the symptoms?"
She's like, "Anger,
849
00:39:21,026 --> 00:39:23,496
irritability, not being able
to get along with others."
850
00:39:23,595 --> 00:39:26,255
I'm like, "Wow. That sounds
a lot like being a bitch.
851
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:29,474
That sounds eerily similar."
852
00:39:30,869 --> 00:39:34,039
[audience laughs]
853
00:39:34,139 --> 00:39:35,639
Why did we stay together
so long?
854
00:39:35,741 --> 00:39:37,481
Is that what you guys
wanna know?
855
00:39:37,576 --> 00:39:40,606
Makeup sex.
We had great makeup sex.
856
00:39:40,712 --> 00:39:42,352
'Cause after the--after
the fight, she was so cool.
857
00:39:42,448 --> 00:39:43,648
She's like,
"Whatever you want, baby.
858
00:39:43,749 --> 00:39:45,549
She's like,
"Do you wanna choke me?
859
00:39:45,651 --> 00:39:47,351
Do you wanna choke me
during sex?"
860
00:39:47,453 --> 00:39:49,423
I'm like,
"Sex is actually the only time
861
00:39:49,521 --> 00:39:51,791
I don't wanna choke you,
'cause the rest of the time
862
00:39:51,890 --> 00:39:54,230
when you're running
your big, fat mouth. Why--"
863
00:39:54,325 --> 00:39:55,725
[audience laughs]
864
00:39:55,827 --> 00:39:59,667
It's tough.
It's tough sometimes, guys.
865
00:40:00,065 --> 00:40:02,465
Can I say something positive
about her?
866
00:40:02,568 --> 00:40:04,638
It's very hard to date a comic.
867
00:40:04,736 --> 00:40:05,896
'Cause the relationships
that actually work
868
00:40:06,004 --> 00:40:08,644
are about vulnerability.
And as a comic,
869
00:40:08,740 --> 00:40:10,580
I'm just always kind of looking
for the joke,
870
00:40:10,676 --> 00:40:13,236
and women don't like that.
That's what I've learned.
871
00:40:13,344 --> 00:40:15,454
We're opening up about our
dating history. She's like,
872
00:40:15,547 --> 00:40:17,717
"My last three boyfriends--
I dated an EMS worker,
873
00:40:17,816 --> 00:40:20,816
a firefighter,
then I dated a police officer."
874
00:40:20,919 --> 00:40:23,719
I was like, "Wow. Your pussy
is like a civil-service exam.
875
00:40:23,822 --> 00:40:26,732
- [audience laughs]
- Pretty solid. Pretty solid."
876
00:40:26,825 --> 00:40:29,695
You know what she said to me?
She goes, "That's not funny.
877
00:40:29,795 --> 00:40:32,725
I'm like, "Okay, I can see why
you don't think that's funny.
878
00:40:32,831 --> 00:40:35,801
But if you take yourself
out of it emotionally
879
00:40:35,901 --> 00:40:39,271
and just look
at the joke structure,
880
00:40:39,370 --> 00:40:41,940
I think I nailed it. Okay?
That's a pretty solid joke.
881
00:40:42,040 --> 00:40:44,840
That's a pretty solid--"
882
00:40:47,412 --> 00:40:50,552
Guys, stand-up comedy is fun.
It's my job. At least it was fun
883
00:40:50,649 --> 00:40:53,619
before I had to, uh, perform
in the mountains.
884
00:40:53,719 --> 00:40:58,589
- [audience laughs]
- [chuckles]
885
00:40:58,690 --> 00:41:01,560
But my real passion--uh, because
I live in New York City--
886
00:41:01,660 --> 00:41:03,530
was traveling around
this great country
887
00:41:03,629 --> 00:41:05,859
and telling people
in different cities
888
00:41:05,964 --> 00:41:08,004
that they have terrible pizza.
- [audience laughs]
889
00:41:08,099 --> 00:41:09,699
I love it. It's a passion.
890
00:41:09,801 --> 00:41:11,841
And I can work it
into any conversation.
891
00:41:11,937 --> 00:41:13,437
I was in Baltimore.
I'm coming down an elevator.
892
00:41:13,539 --> 00:41:14,869
This woman's talking to me.
893
00:41:14,973 --> 00:41:16,783
She goes,
"Oh, you live in New York City?
894
00:41:16,875 --> 00:41:20,675
How did you enjoy our aquarium?
895
00:41:20,779 --> 00:41:22,779
I'm like, "Lady, I don't know
anything about your aquarium,
896
00:41:22,881 --> 00:41:26,451
but your pizza is shit."
- [audience laughs]
897
00:41:26,552 --> 00:41:27,722
And she goes,
"What's wrong with it?"
898
00:41:27,819 --> 00:41:29,659
And that gives you
an entranceway
899
00:41:29,755 --> 00:41:31,915
to insult their entire town.
- [audience laughs]
900
00:41:32,023 --> 00:41:34,733
I'm like, "First of all, miss,
in order to have good pizza,
901
00:41:34,826 --> 00:41:38,496
you need good water.
You guys don't have it.
902
00:41:38,597 --> 00:41:40,497
Now, maybe you're using
all of your good water
903
00:41:40,599 --> 00:41:42,629
in your aquarium...
- [audience laughs]
904
00:41:42,734 --> 00:41:44,574
...but you're not using it
in your fucking pizza,
905
00:41:44,670 --> 00:41:47,440
I can tell you that much,
'cause it sucks."
906
00:41:47,539 --> 00:41:48,709
Then I'll compare
the town negatively
907
00:41:48,807 --> 00:41:50,607
to another town close by.
908
00:41:50,709 --> 00:41:52,639
I'll go,
"Look, I was just in Cleveland.
909
00:41:52,744 --> 00:41:55,914
That's not great pizza,
but it's not this dog shit."
910
00:41:56,014 --> 00:41:58,784
- [audience laughs]
- It's a lot of fun, guys.
911
00:41:58,884 --> 00:42:01,424
I went to China
before the dark times.
912
00:42:01,519 --> 00:42:03,519
[audience laughs]
913
00:42:03,622 --> 00:42:05,322
Now, I dropped my phone
in the toilet in China,
914
00:42:05,423 --> 00:42:07,563
and that's actually the best
place to drop your phone--
915
00:42:07,659 --> 00:42:09,929
in the toilet, you know--
because of all the rice.
916
00:42:10,028 --> 00:42:15,728
[audience laughs]
917
00:42:15,834 --> 00:42:17,844
But I wouldn't put it
in white rice.
918
00:42:17,936 --> 00:42:22,566
I'd put it in brown rice because
of my emphasis on diversity.
919
00:42:22,674 --> 00:42:24,814
Diversity, guys.
That's the name of the game
920
00:42:24,910 --> 00:42:26,980
in show business right now--
diversity.
921
00:42:27,078 --> 00:42:28,878
My manager calls me up. He's
like, "Mike, is there anything
922
00:42:28,980 --> 00:42:30,480
in your background
that can give us
923
00:42:30,582 --> 00:42:33,852
some much needed diversity?
924
00:42:33,952 --> 00:42:36,862
I'm like, "Well, I'm
100% Italian. Does that help?"
925
00:42:36,955 --> 00:42:39,725
He's like, "Actually,
that hurts us a lot,
926
00:42:39,825 --> 00:42:42,685
so if you cannot
mention that again,
927
00:42:42,794 --> 00:42:44,764
that would be a big help."
And then he's like,
928
00:42:44,863 --> 00:42:46,833
"What about what's going on
inside of you?
929
00:42:46,932 --> 00:42:48,972
Is there any diversity there?"
I'm like, "What do you mean?"
930
00:42:49,067 --> 00:42:51,537
He's like, "With your feelings.
- [audience laughs]
931
00:42:51,637 --> 00:42:53,807
Sometimes do you feel
like a woman
932
00:42:53,905 --> 00:42:55,835
that is trapped
inside of a man's body?
933
00:42:55,941 --> 00:42:57,581
'Cause that's a story
we could tell."
934
00:42:57,676 --> 00:42:59,576
[scattered laughter]
935
00:42:59,678 --> 00:43:02,508
I'm like, "No.
That's not really happening.
936
00:43:02,614 --> 00:43:05,424
But I was born C-section,
937
00:43:05,516 --> 00:43:08,216
so I was a man who was trapped
inside of a woman's body.
938
00:43:08,319 --> 00:43:09,859
[audience laughs]
939
00:43:09,955 --> 00:43:11,655
I did not wanna leave
that woman's body,
940
00:43:11,757 --> 00:43:13,657
but the doctor
caught my mother open
941
00:43:13,759 --> 00:43:16,159
and dragged me
into the patriarchy.
942
00:43:16,261 --> 00:43:19,731
- [audience laughs]
- Thank you. You guys are gems.
943
00:43:19,831 --> 00:43:23,741
- [audience laughs]
- You guys are gems.
944
00:43:23,835 --> 00:43:26,495
So I'm in China, and I get
my phone working again,
945
00:43:26,604 --> 00:43:27,814
and my tour guide was like,
946
00:43:27,906 --> 00:43:30,106
"Mike, how are you
enjoying China?"
947
00:43:30,208 --> 00:43:32,008
I'm like, "It's okay,
948
00:43:32,110 --> 00:43:34,610
but your pizza is terrible."
- [audience laughs]
949
00:43:34,713 --> 00:43:36,853
But I was like, "You know
who has a decent slice?
950
00:43:36,948 --> 00:43:40,488
Korea. Korea has
a decent slice of pizza."
951
00:43:40,585 --> 00:43:41,815
[scattered laughter]
952
00:43:41,920 --> 00:43:43,720
I'd like to talk
about race now, guys,
953
00:43:43,822 --> 00:43:47,862
and, uh, I know, uh,
I look like a racist cop,
954
00:43:47,959 --> 00:43:52,729
so I'm probably the wrong guy
to talk about it.
955
00:43:52,831 --> 00:43:54,871
Something tells me
I should go for it.
956
00:43:54,966 --> 00:43:57,596
- [scattered laughter]
- I'm a straight white,
957
00:43:57,703 --> 00:44:00,873
and sometimes I only see things
from my perspective, you know.
958
00:44:00,972 --> 00:44:04,912
Example. I'm in Aruba performing
before the dark times,
959
00:44:05,010 --> 00:44:08,880
and, uh, I needed somebody
to rub sunblock on me.
960
00:44:08,980 --> 00:44:11,920
And when you're a straight
and you're a white
961
00:44:12,017 --> 00:44:14,017
and you need somebody
to rub sunblock on you
962
00:44:14,119 --> 00:44:16,549
and you do not have
an intimate partner there,
963
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:18,164
it is awkward.
964
00:44:18,256 --> 00:44:20,786
It's a lot to ask somebody.
You know?
965
00:44:20,892 --> 00:44:24,502
So who do I ask?
Do I ask another man?
966
00:44:24,595 --> 00:44:26,025
That's awkward.
967
00:44:26,131 --> 00:44:28,901
Do I ask his wife?
- [audience laughs]
968
00:44:29,000 --> 00:44:32,000
Now I gotta fight the man.
- [audience laughs]
969
00:44:32,103 --> 00:44:34,673
- Can't ask a kid.
- [scattered laughter]
970
00:44:34,773 --> 00:44:36,673
I think Epstein ruined that
for all of us.
971
00:44:36,775 --> 00:44:40,075
[audience laughs]
972
00:44:40,178 --> 00:44:42,508
I asked my friend
who I was working with,
973
00:44:42,613 --> 00:44:44,953
who I've known for a long time--
African American woman.
974
00:44:45,050 --> 00:44:48,090
I was like, "Will you
please rub sunblock on me?"
975
00:44:48,186 --> 00:44:50,156
She goes,
"Sunblock, Michael, is racist."
976
00:44:50,255 --> 00:44:51,985
WOMAN: What?
977
00:44:52,090 --> 00:44:54,690
I go, "How so?" She goes,
"It's a product, Michael,
978
00:44:54,793 --> 00:44:57,163
that's dedicated
to keeping you white."
979
00:44:57,262 --> 00:44:59,102
[audience laughs]
980
00:44:59,197 --> 00:45:01,797
I'm like, "You're blowing
my mind right now."
981
00:45:01,900 --> 00:45:03,800
She's like, "And--
982
00:45:03,902 --> 00:45:07,842
And you can tell
the level of racism by the SPF.
983
00:45:07,939 --> 00:45:11,939
SPF 5 is a little bit racist.
SPF 40 is Nazi-strength."
984
00:45:12,043 --> 00:45:14,913
- [audience laughs]
- She was, "Give me one reason
985
00:45:15,013 --> 00:45:16,883
I should rub
this sunblock on you, Michael.
986
00:45:16,982 --> 00:45:19,792
One reason." I go, "Melanoma."
- [audience laughs]
987
00:45:19,885 --> 00:45:22,215
That was her name--
Melanoma Jenkins.
988
00:45:22,320 --> 00:45:26,930
[audience laughs]
989
00:45:27,025 --> 00:45:29,025
But I am antidiscrimination.
990
00:45:29,127 --> 00:45:30,957
I don't care
what my haircut says.
991
00:45:31,062 --> 00:45:33,772
Antidiscrimination, guys.
I'm against it.
992
00:45:33,865 --> 00:45:35,865
I think it's wrong.
993
00:45:35,967 --> 00:45:38,067
I'm in Aruba. Same joke.
994
00:45:38,169 --> 00:45:40,809
and, uh,
I'm walking on the beach.
995
00:45:40,906 --> 00:45:42,906
These children
are building a sandcastle.
996
00:45:43,008 --> 00:45:46,678
So I examine it very carefully,
and then I kicked it over.
997
00:45:46,778 --> 00:45:48,678
- WOMAN: Ohh!
- With tears in their eyes,
998
00:45:48,780 --> 00:45:50,020
they were like, "Sir, why?"
999
00:45:50,115 --> 00:45:51,845
And I was like,
"Because you do not have
1000
00:45:51,950 --> 00:45:54,090
any wheelchair
accessible entrances, okay?
1001
00:45:54,185 --> 00:45:56,185
This is a castle
of discrimination,
1002
00:45:56,287 --> 00:45:59,827
you little pieces of shit,
and I'm not gonna stand for it."
1003
00:45:59,925 --> 00:46:03,685
I've been broken up with a lot,
1004
00:46:03,795 --> 00:46:05,055
and it's hard
to take those losses.
1005
00:46:05,163 --> 00:46:07,003
Every one of the girls,
like, I loved them.
1006
00:46:07,098 --> 00:46:08,868
I actua--I really loved them.
So when it ended--
1007
00:46:08,967 --> 00:46:10,637
whether I ended it
or they ended it--
1008
00:46:10,735 --> 00:46:12,135
I was really in pain.
1009
00:46:12,237 --> 00:46:15,037
And in every one
of those relationships ending,
1010
00:46:15,140 --> 00:46:18,880
I picked up skills
that help me in my life.
1011
00:46:18,977 --> 00:46:20,907
So it's a weird thing
where it's, like--
1012
00:46:21,012 --> 00:46:22,152
it's the worst thing
in the world,
1013
00:46:22,247 --> 00:46:24,147
but I'm picking up
these life skills
1014
00:46:24,249 --> 00:46:27,749
from every one
of these situations.
1015
00:46:28,686 --> 00:46:31,256
Guys, you're really putting me
in a good mood. You know?
1016
00:46:31,356 --> 00:46:32,886
[audience laughs]
1017
00:46:32,991 --> 00:46:35,061
I got some bad news
this morning.
1018
00:46:35,160 --> 00:46:38,260
My favorite Italian restaurant
is closing--Chuck E. Cheese.
1019
00:46:38,363 --> 00:46:42,203
Guys, Charles Edward Cheese
has decided to close his doors.
1020
00:46:42,300 --> 00:46:44,140
[audience laughs]
1021
00:46:44,235 --> 00:46:46,095
I like the Chuck E. Cheese
business model.
1022
00:46:46,204 --> 00:46:48,744
They opened up. They're like,
"Look, we have rats.
1023
00:46:48,840 --> 00:46:51,110
Now, we could call
an exterminator,
1024
00:46:51,209 --> 00:46:53,779
but that's gonna cost a lot.
1025
00:46:53,879 --> 00:46:55,949
What do you say
we just lean into this thing?
1026
00:46:56,047 --> 00:46:58,147
Let's get a rat.
Let's make him our spokesperson.
1027
00:46:58,249 --> 00:47:00,189
Get him on stage.
Get him in a band.
1028
00:47:00,285 --> 00:47:03,085
Get him cranking out some hits."
- [audience laughs]
1029
00:47:03,188 --> 00:47:06,058
Charles Edward Cheese.
- [audience laughs]
1030
00:47:06,157 --> 00:47:08,757
I'd like to talk about
the quarantine a little bit.
1031
00:47:08,860 --> 00:47:10,860
Couples.
Clap if you're a couple.
1032
00:47:10,962 --> 00:47:13,872
- MAN: Whoo!
- Yes. Pretty hot.
1033
00:47:13,965 --> 00:47:16,995
Now, clap if you're a single.
1034
00:47:17,102 --> 00:47:19,742
This one's for you.
This one's for the singles.
1035
00:47:19,837 --> 00:47:21,667
This one's for the singles.
1036
00:47:21,772 --> 00:47:24,112
I would like to talk about
masturbation right now. No.
1037
00:47:24,209 --> 00:47:26,109
- MAN: Ow!
- No, I'm gonna talk about it.
1038
00:47:26,211 --> 00:47:28,311
I'm gonna talk
about masturbation.
1039
00:47:30,916 --> 00:47:33,016
How do I do it?
- [scattered laughter]
1040
00:47:33,118 --> 00:47:36,118
Is that
what you guys wanna know?
1041
00:47:36,221 --> 00:47:38,891
With the most dignity
and respect possible.
1042
00:47:38,990 --> 00:47:42,330
On a schedule.
Every day, 4:00 p.m.
1043
00:47:42,427 --> 00:47:44,197
[audience laughs]
1044
00:47:44,295 --> 00:47:46,995
It's two Fridays ago.
I'm in New York.
1045
00:47:47,098 --> 00:47:49,828
It's about 3:55.
I'm getting ready for my sesh.
1046
00:47:49,935 --> 00:47:51,895
[audience laughs]
1047
00:47:52,003 --> 00:47:54,113
Go into my room.
I bolt the door.
1048
00:47:54,205 --> 00:47:55,835
I put a little
Vaseline Intensive Care
1049
00:47:55,941 --> 00:47:57,881
with a touch of aloe
on my hand.
1050
00:47:57,976 --> 00:47:59,136
'Cause I figure
it's the weekend.
1051
00:47:59,244 --> 00:48:01,314
Why not go ahead
and treat myself? Okay?
1052
00:48:01,412 --> 00:48:04,122
Touch of aloe. Let's celebrate
a little bit. Okay?
1053
00:48:04,215 --> 00:48:08,045
Let's get some momentum going on
into the weekend.
1054
00:48:08,153 --> 00:48:12,293
I start,
and about two minutes in,
1055
00:48:12,390 --> 00:48:15,290
the neighbor boy
starts practicing his violin.
1056
00:48:15,393 --> 00:48:17,233
[audience laughs]
1057
00:48:17,328 --> 00:48:18,798
And I'm like,
just when I thought
1058
00:48:18,896 --> 00:48:20,866
this couldn't get any sadder,
1059
00:48:20,966 --> 00:48:23,796
it feels like
he's playing for me.
1060
00:48:23,901 --> 00:48:27,011
[audience laughs]
1061
00:48:27,105 --> 00:48:29,435
I finish,
and I'm disgusted with myself.
1062
00:48:29,540 --> 00:48:32,940
Guys, where you at?
I'm disgusted with myself.
1063
00:48:33,044 --> 00:48:35,984
What am I doing with my life?
I'm an adult.
1064
00:48:36,081 --> 00:48:39,181
And I'm looking
at my exhausted penis.
1065
00:48:39,284 --> 00:48:43,894
I'm just being honest, guys.
And I'm thinking to myself,
1066
00:48:43,989 --> 00:48:45,919
"What would it be like
to have a gigantic one?
1067
00:48:46,024 --> 00:48:47,934
What would it be like
to have a really big one?"
1068
00:48:48,026 --> 00:48:49,926
'Cause I don't have one.
I'll be honest with you.
1069
00:48:50,028 --> 00:48:52,928
It's not small either.
I can feel your judgment.
1070
00:48:53,031 --> 00:48:56,071
I would describe it
as "working class." Okay?
1071
00:48:56,167 --> 00:48:59,167
I would describe mine
as a "union penis."
1072
00:48:59,270 --> 00:49:02,740
Gets in there, does the job,
doesn't do any overtime.
1073
00:49:02,840 --> 00:49:07,450
Earns a wage, collects a check,
carries a lunch pail.
1074
00:49:07,545 --> 00:49:09,905
This is how I describe it
on the Internet.
1075
00:49:10,015 --> 00:49:12,115
If penises
were flashlights, ladies,
1076
00:49:12,217 --> 00:49:15,947
in a dark room with my penis,
you would be able to see.
1077
00:49:16,054 --> 00:49:18,894
[audience laughs]
1078
00:49:18,990 --> 00:49:21,360
You would not be able to read,
1079
00:49:21,459 --> 00:49:24,099
but you would be able to see,
and that's pretty helpful.
1080
00:49:24,195 --> 00:49:28,895
[audience laughs]
1081
00:49:29,000 --> 00:49:31,040
Anyhow, I'm at the airport
1082
00:49:31,136 --> 00:49:33,836
and, uh, I'm getting ready
to check in,
1083
00:49:33,938 --> 00:49:36,368
and the lady at check-in goes,
"You have to check your bag."
1084
00:49:36,474 --> 00:49:40,154
And I go, "But it's
my emotional support carry-on.
1085
00:49:40,245 --> 00:49:41,975
I need that
for emotional support.
1086
00:49:42,080 --> 00:49:44,420
You let people take dogs
and chickens
1087
00:49:44,515 --> 00:49:47,045
and all kinds of animals on
for emotional support.
1088
00:49:47,152 --> 00:49:49,952
Why can't I take
my emotional support bag?"
1089
00:49:50,055 --> 00:49:52,255
She goes,
"Sir, that's not a real thing."
1090
00:49:52,357 --> 00:49:54,087
"Um, apparently, miss,
you don't know that much
1091
00:49:54,192 --> 00:49:56,162
about mental health
'cause it is,
1092
00:49:56,261 --> 00:49:58,331
and I have a letter
from my doctor."
1093
00:49:58,429 --> 00:50:00,369
I gave her the letter,
and she read it,
1094
00:50:00,465 --> 00:50:03,865
and she goes,
"This letter is fake,"
1095
00:50:03,968 --> 00:50:08,008
and I go, "I know. I'm a liar.
That is part of my disability.
1096
00:50:08,106 --> 00:50:09,506
I need to take
my emotional support back.
1097
00:50:09,607 --> 00:50:12,007
I wanna take
my emotional support back.
1098
00:50:14,245 --> 00:50:16,275
She goes, "Listen.
There's a metal contraption
1099
00:50:16,381 --> 00:50:18,821
right next to the gate.
If you can fit your bag
1100
00:50:18,916 --> 00:50:21,086
in that metal contraption,
you can take it on the flight."
1101
00:50:21,186 --> 00:50:23,086
I go, "Thank you. That's fair."
1102
00:50:23,188 --> 00:50:24,988
So I take it
to the metal contraption.
1103
00:50:25,090 --> 00:50:26,290
You guys know
what I'm talking about.
1104
00:50:26,391 --> 00:50:28,131
And I put it in,
but it doesn't fit.
1105
00:50:28,226 --> 00:50:30,156
And then I angle it
and then push it
1106
00:50:30,261 --> 00:50:32,061
and angle it and push it,
and after about the 10th time,
1107
00:50:32,163 --> 00:50:34,173
it occurs to me
1108
00:50:34,265 --> 00:50:37,335
this is what it must be like
to have a gigantic penis.
1109
00:50:37,435 --> 00:50:40,965
- [audience laughs]
- Oh, it's good in theory,
1110
00:50:41,072 --> 00:50:43,542
but it don't fit anywhere.
1111
00:50:43,641 --> 00:50:46,241
'Cause I've never taken
my pants down
1112
00:50:46,344 --> 00:50:50,224
and had a woman say, "We do not
have any more space for that.
1113
00:50:50,315 --> 00:50:52,275
We are gonna have
to tag that thing,
1114
00:50:52,383 --> 00:50:54,423
and you can pick it up
in Jacksonville."
1115
00:50:54,519 --> 00:50:56,489
[audience laughs]
1116
00:50:56,587 --> 00:51:00,017
That's all my time. You guys--
Uh, you guys were so nice to me.
1117
00:51:00,125 --> 00:51:02,085
Thank you so much
for being so kind.
1118
00:51:02,193 --> 00:51:04,063
I appreciate it.
I love you guys. Thank you.
1119
00:51:04,162 --> 00:51:05,662
Thank you.
1120
00:51:05,763 --> 00:51:09,103
[cheering]
1121
00:51:09,200 --> 00:51:11,300
- That's all good.
- Thank you.
1122
00:51:11,402 --> 00:51:14,172
That was good. That was good.
1123
00:51:14,272 --> 00:51:17,412
In stand-up,
I think the individuality of it
1124
00:51:17,508 --> 00:51:20,908
makes you--There's no hiding.
You can see the result.
1125
00:51:21,011 --> 00:51:23,351
I've realized now that some guys
are just more naturally gifted,
1126
00:51:23,448 --> 00:51:25,378
so they can maybe
get away with more.
1127
00:51:25,483 --> 00:51:27,493
I couldn't get away with it.
I had to work very hard.
1128
00:51:27,585 --> 00:51:31,055
So if I didn't put the work in,
I would get exposed.
1129
00:51:31,156 --> 00:51:36,256
***
90468
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