All language subtitles for Unprotected Sets s01e07_English

♪♪

[ Laughter ]

Man: So, I've been black
for a while now.

Since college.
Since college.

But like I said,
I've always sounded like this.

I've always sounded
like I'm about to audit

a family-owned bakery.

And I got judged a lot

back in, like,
high school and middle school.

People would come up to me,
talking about,

"Hey, you talkin' white!"

[ Laughter ]

All of the time, you guys!

-Hey!
-Becky Braunstein!

-I love you!
-Oh, you're the best.

-How are you doing?
-I'm good.

-Are you excited?
-I'm so excited.

You tryin' to talk white,
like these white folks.

You talkin' white, Carter!

And I tried
to explain to them...

[ Chuckles ]

[ Laughter ]

that it's speakingwhite.

[ Laughter ]
[ Cheers and applause ]

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, my God, man.

I am Becky Braunstein.
I'm a stand-up comedian.

I'm certainly not
the run-of-the-mill comedian.

I think I am kind of weird.

But in Portland,

everybody's so different
and so weird,

and I feel like
I finally belong.

I did not have any friends
when I was a kid.

I didn't.
Nobody liked me.

But honestly,
it's that experience

of not fitting in
and being so different

that makes my comedy
what it is now.

Turns out, people want to hear
about that kind of stuff.

And I'm not sorry.

I'm always gonna be
a little weird.

I've had a very strange life.

I'm unapologetically other.

[ Cheers and applause ]

All righty.

Emcee: You guys are so lucky
to see such Portland talent.

This is amazing.

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

♪♪

Put your hands together
for the incredible

Becky Braunstein,
everybody!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

Wow, thank you.

Hi, Portland![ Cheers and applause ]

I am so excited
to be here right now.

For those who don't know,
I am originally from Alaska.

[ Cheers and applause ]Yeah, yeah.

I-I moved to Portland
a few years ago.

It's, uh...

It's kind of weird
being in America now.

[ Laughter ]

It's very different.

I moved to Portland
to do comedy,

and I'm very proud of myself

for actually going through it,
you know what I mean?

'Cause, like, back home,
people were always talking

about moving out of Alaska
to go do whatever, you know,

and nine times out of ten,
they come right back.

Just dredged in failure,
you know?

Everyone's like,
"I'm gonna move to New York City

and be a star on Broadway!"

Like, oh, honey.

You inseminate reindeer
for minimum wage.

[ Laughter ]

Or they'll be, like
[As Sarah Palin]

"I'm gonna move
to Washington D.C.

and be the Vice President

of the United States
of America."

[ Cheers and applause ]

Nope!

Sarah Palin, of course,

the second-most famous Alaskan
after myself.

Man, she just won't stay gone,
you know?

Every time I think we've heard
the last of old Sarah P.,

she just keeps popping up
with something to say.

Which is weird because
not quitting has historically

not been a strength
for the Palins.

I feel like
I should explain that.

Sarah Palin quit halfway
through her term as governor.

Like quit --
just walked out the door.

And then right after that,
her husband, Todd Palin,

scratched out of the
Iron Dog Snow Machine Race

in the middle of the race!

The only person in that family

who could carry anything
to term is Bristol.

[ Laughter ]

Say what you will
about Bristol Palin,

she follows through.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, man. I'll tell ya what.

However surprised
you may have been

to see Sarah Palin
show up on your TV

for the first time back in '08,

you cannot possibly
be as surprised

as we were in Alaska
to see that shit.

I think most people know
before she was governor

that Sarah Palin was the mayor
of a small town in Alaska

called Wasilla.

Wasilla, Alaska, is like --

Imagine if the old guy
from "Duck Dynasty"

was a town.

[ Laughter ]

It's -- bar's not set high,
you know what I'm saying?

I could be the mayor of Wasilla.

Your mom could be
the mayor of Wasilla.

I'm sure they just draw names
out of a hat.

Or they put everybody's
truck keys in a dish,

mix 'em up, I don't know.

It is not a qualification
for anything.

It's barely on the map, dude.

Like, being the mayor
of Wasilla, Alaska,

is like being the mayor
of fuckin' Whoville, man.

I do miss Alaska.
I love it.

That'll always be home
for me, you know.

I feel like I fit in a little
bit better there, you know?

Like, we're all like this
back home.

I know this is a lot.
I'm a lot.

This is a lot to process.

I mean, you -- you --
you can't miss me, you know.

I'm a human exclamation point.

Alaskans are intense people

because life in Alaska
is intense.

In Alaska, life is something
that happens to you,

you know what I mean?

I once had a bear
come to my front door

when I lived in Alaska.

I did. One day,
I heard the doorbell ringing.

[ Laughter ]

It's ringing, like,
off the hook, you know?

Like, bing-bong,
bing-bong, bing-bong,

bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!

And I thought, okay!

Some Girl Scout troop
is about to meet

their out-of-pocket maximum.

[ Laughter ]

So I go to the front door

to kill 'em...

and I look out the window.

It's a goddamn bear

ringing the doorbell
with his snout.

You just gotta be ready
for shit like that.

That's how crazy it is
in Alaska.

You don't even have to go
out into the woods to die

in the wilderness anymore.

They are coming to you!

[ Laughter ]

Coming to the front door

like goddamn Amazon prime.

[ Laughter ]

I'm Jewish --

I'm half-Jewish, technically.

I haven't been in a synagogue
for, like, 20 years.

I'm Jew-ish.

[ Laughter ]

As a kid, though,
like, growing up

as a Jewish kid in Alaska
was a hell of a thing.

Like, when my family
moved there,

the Jewish population
of the state doubled, right?

There's not a lot of polar Jews.
We are endangered.

Where I lived there was,
like, one synagogue,

and it was right by
this orthodox Jewish family

who was, like, sent to Alaska
like missionaries

to start up, like,
a northern Jewish outpost.

So they got there about
the same time we did.

Like, they were
running the synagogue

and the Hebrew school
and all of that

just out of their house,
like out of their basement

like a Silicon Valley startup.

So I went to that
when I was a kid,

and I was learning
all the things

and learning about the holidays.

So Jewish holidays are scheduled
from sunset to sunset, right?

Like, it doesn't follow
the American calendar.

It changes every year.

The problem with that is,
in Alaska,

the sun doesn't set
for six months in the summer.

[ Laughter ]

It's just --
It's daylight 24 hours a day,

and in the winter,
it's dark the whole time.

You never even see the sun.

So we were just, like,
you know, what,

are we supposed to fast
from September to May?

[ Laughter ]

So the rabbi and his wife,
the missionaries,

what they did is they sat down,

and they just made up
sunset times for each day.

And they printed them
on this calendar

that they handed out to
all Jewish families in Alaska

so you would know
when the holidays were.

And each month of the calendar

had a little, like, hot tip

on being Jewish in Alaska.

Q&A with the rabbi type thing,
like, "Is moose kosher?"

[ Laughter ]

Is moose kosher?

I mean, nobody's ever gotten
close enough to the hooves

to see if they're cloven
and lived to talk about it,

so who knows, right?

I grew up in Eagle River,
Alaska, on a mountain.

Alaskans have
to deal with things

that a lot
of other people don't.

You might have moose
licking your car one day,

and you're not gonna
make it to work.

You know that's just something
you've gotta live with.

You've gotta pick yourself up
and say, "How am I gonna

get out of this situation?"

And you do it, man,
'cause if you sit down and cry,

no one's gonna help you.

My parents had
the adventurous spirit,

and they moved us around
a little bit.

We lived on a farm
in rural South Dakota

in the middle of nowhere
for a few years.

But then we went to Alaska
because we thought,

how far out
in the middle of nowhere

can we possibly get?

You don't move
to a mountain in Alaska

to be social butterflies.

As a kid,
I spent a lot of time alone,

but I wouldn't say
that I was lonely.

I used to spend just days
by myself in the basement

with a little radio.

I spent a lot of time
with the animals

and, you know,
kind of just walking by myself

looking at trees and thinking
about bears and moose.

Little weird, maybe,

but, you know,
I found myself very amusing.

I had ambitions
from an early age,

and I decided that
I'm gonna be famous some day.

And I told the other kids
in class,

'cause we were talking about
what we were going to do.

I said, some day,
I'm gonna be on TV.

And other kids just
tortured me about that

for weeks, for months.

They used to sarcastically
ask me for my autograph.

"Can I have your autograph?"

They were so mean
and so hateful.

As I got older,
I studied theater.

I performed a lot.

I was in a play
every other week.

I was always at rehearsal
doing all kinds of things.

I thought, you know, if I'm
gonna succeed as a performer,

I have got to stand out.
I have got to be loud.

I have got to put it out there.

I tried standup several times
in Alaska.

And I thought,
I might be good at this.

As it turns out,
I was very successful at it.

And yeah, I think that was just
such a pivotal moment for me.

When I am onstage,
I feel confident.

I feel good.
I enjoy what I'm doing.

I don't have fears
and anxieties and worries

like when I was a kid.

And then --

[ Sighs ]

I was diagnosed
with metastatic thyroid cancer,

which was a complete surprise.

When is cancer ever
not a surprise?

I'm not sure.

It just hit me
like a punch in the face

because I felt like,

if I'm gonna do something,
it's gotta be now.

I felt this sense of,
like, life is so short.

If I don't do this now,

then I don't know
what's gonna happen.

[ Laughter ]

Oh, man, it is quite
a culture shock

for me, though,
leaving Alaska and coming here.

I feel like I've moved to
a different planet, you know?

You know what used
to just blow my mind

when I first moved down?

I always thought it was
really weird,

whenever I would see on the news

that somebody was missing,
you know what I mean?

Like, "A Beaverton man
went missing.

Call this number if you've seen
him." That kind of thing.

I thought that was weird
because, like,

we never used to see that
on TV back home.

'Cause in Alaska...

people just disappear.

[ Laughter ]

All the time.
You know?

Like, we're just used to that.
You know what I mean?

Like, somebody goes missing
here, and you -- you...

look for 'em.

[ Laughter ]

Everybody wonders,
where did he go?

Makes the news?

That would not make dinnertime
conversation in Alaska.

Are you shitting me?
We know we shouldn't be there.

We shouldn't.

No people should ever be there.

I don't care what
the Tourism Board tells you.

You should not go exploring

the majestic wilderness
of Alaska.

Do not do it, man.

That guy who died in a bus?

That's your best case scenario.

[ Laughter ]

Don't go out there.

I moved down here
with my boyfriend.

I'm a very long-term
relationship.

We've been together
for 10 years now.

[ Crowd cheers ]

Yeah, he's a lucky man.
Good for him.

[ Laughter ]

We don't have kids,

which is a good thing
for many reasons,

not the least of which,
that I'm clearly not a grown-up.

I'm not responsible.

Can you imagine me
in charge of a human life?

I can't even take care
of myself.

I just flossed
for the first time

in three years.

[ Laughter ]

Being a comedian, though,
all of my friends

are single and dating, you know.

So, like, I'm always
getting to hear about

their wild one-night stands

and their little unsolved
sex mysteries, you know.

"Why does he want me
to call him Voldemort?

He hasn't even read the books."

A good sex mystery, you know.

Which, by the way,
there is no sex mystery

in a long-term relationship.

There is no mystery of any kind.

Like, you don't have
to play mind games

to get what you want in bed

like you did
when you were single.

You know, you don't have
to have awkward

U.N. peace talk negotiations

about what is and is not
gonna happen.

Even by accident.

[ Laughter ]

Way past that, man!

You know what they want.
They know what you want.

You know what works
and what doesn't.

You are spring-loaded, man.
You're very efficient.

Everybody gets what they want
every single time.

100% satisfaction rates.

But...of course,

my single friends will say,

"Yeah, but, like,
doesn't it get boring

just sleeping
with the same person

year after year
after year after year?"

My response to them is this.

Sure, the idea of sleeping

with a totally different,
brand-new person

every night of the week
sounds exciting.

But think about it this way.

There's nothing shittier
than having to complete

an important task
with the new person at work.

[ Laughter ]

Because no matter
how hard they try,

there usually comes a point
where it's just, like,

"Look, I appreciate
what you're trying to do here.

But it would be better
if I do this myself.

[ Laughter ]Move over."

You can watch over my shoulder
if you want.

But it's getting really late,

and I do not have time
to train you.

[ Laughter ]

One of my young, single friends,

he just started
seeing this girl.

Like, they just got together,

and, literally,
after two weeks of dating,

he bought her a vibrator
as a birthday present.

[ Crowd groans ]
I know, right?

But then he started freaking out
about it, you know?

He was, like, "Oh, God, no!
I shouldn't have done that.

What kind of message
does that send?"

Chill out, dude.

I mean, girls buy
their boyfriends an Xbox

for the exact same reason,
right?

It's, like, exactly the same
conversation, too, you know?

It's, like, sure,
we could play together,

but I'm not very good
at mashing down a button

over and over again
for 20 minutes.

So take this,
go in the other room,

play with yourself.

[ Laughter ]

The fear of living in Alaska,

and you have something
serious health-wise,

you just gotta move
to a bigger city.

So I thought, well, you know,

I want to pursue
my entertainment career

and need better medical care.

And I just picked Portland
at random.

In Portland,
the comedy scene,

it's, I think,
one of the best in the country.

And things were really starting
to happen in my career.

I was getting into festivals.

I was really rising up
in the Portland scene.

I thought for
the first time, like,

this could maybe be something.

Being in the early formative
years of my standup career

while going through
cancer treatment

was kind of
an intense experience

because I'm dealing

with this life-and-death
medical condition,

but I almost feel like
the standup comedy part is,

like, more important
and more crucial.

I can't take a break from
standup during that. I couldn't.

I could not afford
to not go out and hustle

and go to every show.

I remember during one show,
right before I got radiation,

so I was half-dead,
and I just went up there,

and I did this 15-minute set
to just total silence.

It was crazy,
'cause I was so low energy.

I was half asleep.

I should not have not
done the show.

I should have cancelled,
but I went up there,

and I did it because I'm not
gonna miss an opportunity.

The last surgery I had was

to remove lymph nodes
attached to the nerve

that controls my speaking voice.

And my doctor explained
the risks, you know,

of the surgery and said,
"Okay, you know,

you could lose
the ability to speak.

You could lose your voice
altogether."

And the idea of never
being able to perform again

was more frightening to me

than I would literally die
on the operating table.

And I went in for surgery,
and, spoiler alert,

I didn't lose my voice.

And I will never shut up again

because I've got
something to say,

and by God,
I'm gonna say it, you know?

Those things that used
to make me such an outcast

when I was younger
are now the things

that I think make me
interesting and different.

I think all comedians
probably had at least

a very different
childhood experience

than normal people
because normal people

don't do standup comedy, right?

This isn't a normal way to live.

[ Laughter ]

I was just recently
in Salt Lake City, Utah.

[ Crowd cheers ]
Really? Okay.

[ Laughter ]

That city, though, man.
I tell you what.

I have seen some weird shit
in my day.

But, like, if you ever get a
chance to go to Salt Lake City,

you really should go,
because it's probably

the closest you'll ever come
in your lifetime

to being able
to visit North Korea.

[ Laughter ]

You know what I mean?

A lot of vacant stares.

And, like, people can't wait
to tell you how happy they are

to live there.

Oh, yeah, everything's great.

But, like,
every once in a while,

you'll come across a barista

that's, like,
"Get me outta here!"

[ Laughter ]

It is -- it is Pyongyang
with white people.

[ Laughter ]

I had never been to Utah before,

and you know how in hotel rooms,

they always have the bible
in the night stand?

In Utah, they also have the
Book of Mormon in there, too.

So one thing I thought
was kind of strange

about the Book of Mormon --

[ Scoffs ] One thing?

[ Laughter ]

I thought it was interesting,
but it had, like,

pages and pages
of color paintings in it.

You know, like, the people
and scenes from the stories

which I thought was
a wasted opportunity.

'Cause, like, Mormonism
started in the 1800s.

It's a very recent religion.

They could have had photographs.

[ Laughter ]

Like, they had cameras
in the 1800s.

I feel like that would have
strengthened their case, right?

Like, pics or it didn't happen.

Can you imagine if Jesus had
had a boomerang video

of him rising from the grave?

[ Laughter ]

We would all be Christians.

[ Laughter ]

I'm very lucky that I get
to travel a lot for comedy.

That is my favorite thing,
you know?

I love going to new places
and, like,

meeting weird people, you know?

Last fall, I was
in New Orleans, Louisiana.

That was a trip, man.
What a weird city.

So much weirder than Portland.

I went to the Voodoo Museum
in New Orleans.

I stopped by the gift shop
on the way out.

I bought a voodoo doll
that looks exactly like me.

[ Laughter ]

So I painted a big smile
on its face,

put money in its pockets.

I pulled out half the stuffing.

We'll see how this goes.

[ Laughter ]

Just gotta believe in it.
[ Chuckles ] Oh, man.

I met some interesting people
in New Orleans.

They got some colorful
characters down there.

I had never before in my life
met a Cajun person

until I went to New Orleans.

You know what I'm talking about,
like, swamp people?

I had a Lyft driver
in New Orleans

who was very Cajun.

Like, couldn't have
been more Cajun

if he'd have pulled up driving
a fan boat, playing a banjo.

And he turned to me and said,

"Oh, how you likin' it here
in N'awlins?"

And I was, like,
"Oh, it's great.

You know, I'm from Alaska,

so to me,
this is like a huge city."

And he goes, "Whoo-hee!

You know this here
like a big city to me, too.

I'm from the country.

I grew up on an alligator
and chicken farm.

Oh, well, but this year,
we run out of alligator food,

so now it's just
an alligator farm.

And you see that park
over there?

There's gonna be a gumbo jazz
festival in that park tomorrow.

You know,
I got a rat in my house.

I think he mocking me.

I be setting out traps for him,

and he finding my socks
and wash cloths,

and he draping them
over the traps

like he building little bridges.

Just a little rat
civil engineer.

Ooh, he is laughing at me.

Now, I'm gonna park the car
right there.

You can cross the street,
get to your hotel."

He could have crashed the car
into oncoming traffic,

I'd have given him five stars.

[ Laughter ]

I am Becky Braunstein.
That's my time tonight.

Thank you guys so much!

[ Cheers and applause ]
Love you!

Thank you!

[ Cheers and applause
continues ]

Emcee: Give it up for
Becky Braunstein, you guys!

[ Cheers and applause ]

♪♪

Ohh!

[ Laughs ]

Thank you
for being here.

People have been
telling me my whole life

that I can't do stuff,
since I was a little kid.

They've been telling me,
"You can't fit in.

We don't want to play with you."

They told me in high school
when I was doing plays,

"You're always gonna be
in the background.

You're never gonna
be Cinderella."

And I just now realize,

I never wanted
to be Cinderella.

I'm something
completely different.

I've been carrying this around
everywhere I go onset

so that I can stay dry.

Like Beyoncé.

[ Laughs ]

My entire life has
led up to this moment,

and I feel like that
because it couldn't have

turned out any other way.

I had a horrendous childhood,

and I lived on a mountain.

And then I got cancer,

and I was radioactive,

and I had
to face scary surgeries,

and now I'm
a standup comedian.

I don't know if destiny
is a real thing.

I don't know if people
have a purpose.

But I do know this is all
I've ever wanted to do.

I am gonna do this
or die trying.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Sykes: Oy vey!

Use your knees, Page!
Come on! Push it!