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1
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♪ ♪
2
00:00:04,638 --> 00:00:06,373
(oinks)
3
00:00:08,375 --> 00:00:10,544
D'oh!
4
00:00:10,611 --> 00:00:12,012
(grunts)
5
00:00:12,079 --> 00:00:13,881
(humming)
6
00:00:13,947 --> 00:00:15,449
(laughing)
7
00:00:15,516 --> 00:00:16,884
Hmm?
8
00:00:16,950 --> 00:00:18,018
Mmm.
9
00:00:18,085 --> 00:00:20,287
♪ ♪
10
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:27,427
(tires screech)
11
00:00:27,494 --> 00:00:30,030
♪ ♪
12
00:00:30,097 --> 00:00:31,665
(bells jingle)
13
00:00:41,708 --> 00:00:43,911
Welcome. Good to see you.
14
00:00:43,977 --> 00:00:45,779
If you're here
to use the bathroom,
15
00:00:45,846 --> 00:00:48,248
try the Burger King next door.
16
00:00:48,315 --> 00:00:50,384
Actually,
we'd like to buy something.
17
00:00:50,450 --> 00:00:52,953
Wunderbar. I offer many things.
18
00:00:53,020 --> 00:00:54,354
Astounding tricks,
19
00:00:54,421 --> 00:00:56,557
confounding illusions.
20
00:00:56,623 --> 00:00:58,892
I also fix iPhones.
21
00:00:58,959 --> 00:01:01,128
You've heard of Steve Jobs?
22
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:03,830
This is my kid, "No Jobs."
23
00:01:03,897 --> 00:01:05,866
- Dad!
- He's been angry
24
00:01:05,933 --> 00:01:08,101
since I made his mother
disappear
25
00:01:08,168 --> 00:01:11,438
with my cold attitude
and the philandering.
26
00:01:11,505 --> 00:01:12,673
Achtung, Gramps.
27
00:01:12,739 --> 00:01:15,142
I want to buy a magic set
for my sister's birthday
28
00:01:15,208 --> 00:01:17,053
'cause that's the kind
of lame‐o thing she'd like.
29
00:01:17,077 --> 00:01:18,779
Magic is not "lame‐o."
30
00:01:18,845 --> 00:01:22,382
Let me show you a trick
that made Angela Merkel say,
31
00:01:22,449 --> 00:01:25,385
"You are
the worst Uber driver ever."
32
00:01:25,452 --> 00:01:26,386
(giggles)
33
00:01:26,453 --> 00:01:28,422
This underwear was once worn
34
00:01:28,488 --> 00:01:31,425
by Babar, King of the Elephants.
35
00:01:31,491 --> 00:01:33,760
Elephant underwear
is tighty‐whities on Homer.
36
00:01:33,827 --> 00:01:36,563
Why, you little...!
(grunts)
37
00:01:37,831 --> 00:01:39,766
What the...? The more I pull,
38
00:01:39,833 --> 00:01:41,101
the tighter it gets.
39
00:01:41,168 --> 00:01:43,737
The only solution? Pull more.
40
00:01:43,804 --> 00:01:45,739
(grunting)
41
00:01:45,806 --> 00:01:47,841
(gasping)
42
00:01:49,109 --> 00:01:50,911
Nyeah, nyeah, nyeah‐nyeah‐nyeah!
43
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:52,779
Will you two ever stop?
44
00:01:52,846 --> 00:01:53,914
Ever?
45
00:01:53,981 --> 00:01:56,249
Ah! Is it the future you seek?
46
00:01:56,316 --> 00:01:58,685
Well, then,
move through this beaded curtain
47
00:01:58,752 --> 00:02:03,256
and past the Keurig coffee maker
I bought but never use.
48
00:02:03,323 --> 00:02:05,559
(mystical theremin music plays)
49
00:02:06,560 --> 00:02:07,628
(music stops)
50
00:02:07,694 --> 00:02:11,098
Let us see what the tarot cards
have to say.
51
00:02:11,164 --> 00:02:13,166
Eh. Tarot cards don't work.
52
00:02:13,233 --> 00:02:16,570
Don't they, Madam President?
53
00:02:17,571 --> 00:02:19,072
(gasps)
54
00:02:19,139 --> 00:02:22,209
Now let us see
what happens to Homer and Bart.
55
00:02:22,275 --> 00:02:23,977
How does he know our names?
56
00:02:24,044 --> 00:02:26,647
They are
on your Starbucks coffee cups.
57
00:02:26,713 --> 00:02:29,082
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
58
00:02:30,150 --> 00:02:31,685
PROPRIETOR:
Good news, Homer.
59
00:02:31,752 --> 00:02:32,752
In the future,
60
00:02:32,786 --> 00:02:34,755
- you stop drinking.
- Oh...
61
00:02:34,821 --> 00:02:37,758
PROPRIETOR: And the boy
becomes a fine person.
62
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:38,992
What? No!
63
00:02:39,059 --> 00:02:40,894
Reversum predictum!
64
00:02:40,961 --> 00:02:43,030
It's licorice. Have some.
65
00:02:43,096 --> 00:02:44,231
Mmm...
66
00:02:44,297 --> 00:02:47,067
Now I turn more cards and...
67
00:02:47,134 --> 00:02:49,803
Oh, dear.
This is rough. Very bad.
68
00:02:49,870 --> 00:02:51,138
What? What?
69
00:02:51,204 --> 00:02:52,873
There will be years of trouble
70
00:02:52,939 --> 00:02:55,208
between Marge and Lisa.
71
00:03:01,048 --> 00:03:02,983
The trouble begins
when you decide
72
00:03:03,050 --> 00:03:05,185
where you will go to college.
73
00:03:05,252 --> 00:03:07,788
What? Why are you saying that?
What's wrong?
74
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:09,923
Do I get wait‐listed? Gap year?
75
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,925
(gasps)
Cornell?!
76
00:03:11,992 --> 00:03:13,827
Let's just say
things have changed
77
00:03:13,894 --> 00:03:15,729
when you are 17.
78
00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,798
♪ ♪
79
00:03:24,805 --> 00:03:27,207
Rise and shine!
80
00:03:27,274 --> 00:03:29,743
Ugh, Mom, please.
81
00:03:29,810 --> 00:03:31,478
I was asleep.
82
00:03:31,545 --> 00:03:33,180
Today's the day
you're gonna find out
83
00:03:33,246 --> 00:03:35,348
what colleges you get into.
84
00:03:35,415 --> 00:03:37,751
Who cares?
They all lost their glitter
85
00:03:37,818 --> 00:03:39,519
when Netflix bought Yale.
86
00:03:39,586 --> 00:03:41,288
Well, you will be
the first Simpson
87
00:03:41,354 --> 00:03:44,891
to ever finish college
now that Bart's given up.
88
00:03:44,958 --> 00:03:46,860
Why should I go to college?
89
00:03:46,927 --> 00:03:48,462
I've become a master
90
00:03:48,528 --> 00:03:50,931
of Fruit Ninja.
91
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:52,499
♪ ♪
92
00:03:52,566 --> 00:03:54,701
(Bart grunting)
93
00:03:54,768 --> 00:03:56,870
- MAN: Salad complete.
- (bell rings)
94
00:03:56,937 --> 00:03:58,405
Booyah.
95
00:03:58,472 --> 00:03:59,740
(humming)
96
00:04:01,675 --> 00:04:03,410
There she is.
97
00:04:03,477 --> 00:04:06,646
Our family's last
and only remaining hope.
98
00:04:06,713 --> 00:04:08,782
Putting on a little pressure
there, Grampa?
99
00:04:08,849 --> 00:04:11,585
It's just that you're
the only worthwhile Simpson
100
00:04:11,651 --> 00:04:12,853
since... ever.
101
00:04:12,919 --> 00:04:14,387
I'm counting on you
to find the cure
102
00:04:14,454 --> 00:04:15,856
for everything
that's gonna kill me.
103
00:04:15,922 --> 00:04:17,524
- No pressure.
- (sighs)
104
00:04:17,591 --> 00:04:20,694
Wait a minute.
This is on the wrong eye.
105
00:04:20,761 --> 00:04:23,096
Ooh, much better.
106
00:04:25,499 --> 00:04:26,767
(tires screech)
107
00:04:26,833 --> 00:04:29,102
Lisa, I have a question.
108
00:04:29,169 --> 00:04:32,506
Please, don't mention
the word "college."
109
00:04:32,572 --> 00:04:34,141
College? No way.
110
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:36,376
This is a surprise promposal.
111
00:04:36,443 --> 00:04:38,979
Guess who I hired to ask you
on my behalf.
112
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,247
My dad.
113
00:04:40,313 --> 00:04:43,850
Imitating Seth MacFarlane
imitating Frank Sinatra.
114
00:04:43,917 --> 00:04:46,219
♪ Take him to the prom ♪
115
00:04:46,286 --> 00:04:50,657
♪ And let him dance
forevermore ♪
116
00:04:50,724 --> 00:04:53,326
♪ If you turn him down ♪
117
00:04:53,393 --> 00:04:57,130
♪ He will curl up on the floor ♪
118
00:04:57,197 --> 00:04:59,032
♪ In other words ♪
119
00:04:59,099 --> 00:05:01,568
♪ We're desperate ♪
120
00:05:01,635 --> 00:05:03,069
We really are.
121
00:05:03,136 --> 00:05:06,206
♪ A pity "yes" will do. ♪
122
00:05:06,273 --> 00:05:10,143
And you'll have to drive
'cause he can't. Ha!
123
00:05:10,210 --> 00:05:11,611
I can see you're tempted, Lis.
124
00:05:11,678 --> 00:05:14,247
There's nothing cooler
than a guy who's graduated
125
00:05:14,314 --> 00:05:17,617
coming back for a younger kid's
prom. (chuckles)
126
00:05:18,418 --> 00:05:22,556
Get out of here before
I accidentally say "okay."
127
00:05:22,622 --> 00:05:23,924
Did I hear an "okay"?
128
00:05:23,990 --> 00:05:26,059
(tires screeching)
129
00:05:26,126 --> 00:05:28,528
(Lisa crying)
130
00:05:29,696 --> 00:05:31,464
Aw, hey, kid. What's the matter?
131
00:05:31,531 --> 00:05:34,267
Your whole life, for reasons
I'll never understand,
132
00:05:34,334 --> 00:05:36,469
you've been looking forward
to college.
133
00:05:36,536 --> 00:05:37,571
Today, you get in.
134
00:05:37,637 --> 00:05:39,673
Things have changed
since I was a kid.
135
00:05:39,739 --> 00:05:43,143
College costs a fortune,
and does it really do any good?
136
00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,979
All you get is a piece of paper
with your name on it.
137
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,280
And it's written in Latin,
138
00:05:47,347 --> 00:05:49,549
so the only people
who can actually read it
139
00:05:49,616 --> 00:05:51,785
are dead Romans
and Catholic priests.
140
00:05:51,852 --> 00:05:55,555
And last I checked, none of them
are handing out jobs.
141
00:05:55,622 --> 00:05:59,893
Then why did you study so hard
and miss all the fun?
142
00:05:59,960 --> 00:06:00,827
♪ ♪
143
00:06:00,894 --> 00:06:04,164
♪ Old days ♪
144
00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:08,902
♪ Good times I remember ♪
145
00:06:08,969 --> 00:06:11,371
♪ Fun days ♪
146
00:06:12,305 --> 00:06:15,442
♪ Filled with simple pleasure. ♪
147
00:06:15,508 --> 00:06:17,944
I don't know now.
I think of all those years
148
00:06:18,011 --> 00:06:19,713
where instead of being
behind a book,
149
00:06:19,779 --> 00:06:21,348
I could've played kickball.
150
00:06:21,414 --> 00:06:23,683
So many jump ropes un‐jumped.
151
00:06:23,750 --> 00:06:25,785
Do you ever feel regret, Bart?
152
00:06:25,852 --> 00:06:28,255
I regret
starting this conversation.
153
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,291
Every one. I got into every one.
154
00:06:31,358 --> 00:06:33,827
Why does this moment
feel so empty?
155
00:06:33,894 --> 00:06:35,362
(conch shell blows)
156
00:06:35,428 --> 00:06:38,965
Come one, come all.
Don't miss it.
157
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,400
Lisa, I told everyone
158
00:06:40,467 --> 00:06:42,102
you're going to make
your pick today.
159
00:06:42,168 --> 00:06:44,871
This is the greatest moment
of my life.
160
00:06:44,938 --> 00:06:47,173
Drumroll!
161
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,976
(tinny drumroll)
162
00:06:50,043 --> 00:06:51,978
♪ A Simpson got into college ♪
163
00:06:52,045 --> 00:06:53,980
♪ A Simpson
got into college ♪
164
00:06:54,047 --> 00:06:57,250
♪ A Simpson got into college ♪
165
00:06:57,317 --> 00:07:00,253
♪ And I just never applied. ♪
166
00:07:01,454 --> 00:07:04,591
Everyone, shh!
It's the moment of truth.
167
00:07:04,658 --> 00:07:05,759
(all cheer)
168
00:07:05,825 --> 00:07:08,695
Congratulations, Lisa.
Which one are you gonna choose?
169
00:07:08,762 --> 00:07:11,264
Bob Jones. Bob Jones. Bob Jones.
170
00:07:13,033 --> 00:07:14,801
I, uh...
171
00:07:14,868 --> 00:07:17,370
I'm not going to college.
172
00:07:18,138 --> 00:07:19,639
What?! Quit joking.
173
00:07:19,706 --> 00:07:22,542
Marge, nobody knows comedy
like I don't.
174
00:07:22,609 --> 00:07:24,144
She's not joking.
175
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:26,646
Lisa, you can't do this.
We're counting on you.
176
00:07:26,713 --> 00:07:28,982
Well, you know, Marge,
I didn't go to college,
177
00:07:29,049 --> 00:07:31,685
and I'm wealthy
in the most important way:
178
00:07:31,751 --> 00:07:33,286
lack of student loans.
179
00:07:33,353 --> 00:07:35,255
Do not encourage her.
180
00:07:35,322 --> 00:07:37,524
Marge, her not going to college
181
00:07:37,590 --> 00:07:40,894
is the most money
I'll ever earn.
182
00:07:40,961 --> 00:07:42,862
Lisa, please. I'm giving you
183
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,765
one last chance
to salvage this day.
184
00:07:45,832 --> 00:07:47,200
I've lived for this moment.
185
00:07:47,267 --> 00:07:49,102
And all I've ever asked from you
186
00:07:49,169 --> 00:07:51,571
is that everything
that never happened to me
187
00:07:51,638 --> 00:07:52,539
happens to you.
188
00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:55,241
And that justifies
my existence on Earth
189
00:07:55,308 --> 00:07:58,345
for the hours I spent
holding you, cleaning you,
190
00:07:58,411 --> 00:08:00,780
cooking your supper,
drying your tears,
191
00:08:00,847 --> 00:08:02,082
catching your colds
192
00:08:02,148 --> 00:08:05,085
and burying
every personal need I had
193
00:08:05,151 --> 00:08:07,220
just so I could have
the brief joy
194
00:08:07,287 --> 00:08:09,089
of setting up your dorm room
195
00:08:09,155 --> 00:08:11,358
with the roommate
from the fancy family
196
00:08:11,424 --> 00:08:15,328
who you'll spend the holidays
with on their ranch in Colorado
197
00:08:15,395 --> 00:08:18,031
instead of coming home to me.
198
00:08:18,098 --> 00:08:20,333
Once and for all,
199
00:08:20,400 --> 00:08:22,902
which college are you going to?
200
00:08:22,969 --> 00:08:24,471
None.
201
00:08:29,809 --> 00:08:34,814
♪ ♪
202
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:38,084
I just wanted to say one thing.
203
00:08:38,151 --> 00:08:40,186
- What's that?
- Ingrate!
204
00:08:40,253 --> 00:08:42,155
I'm sorry,
but could you have decided
205
00:08:42,222 --> 00:08:44,691
you didn't want to go to college
before ten years
206
00:08:44,758 --> 00:08:48,161
of me driving you
to saxophone lessons, SAT prep,
207
00:08:48,228 --> 00:08:52,565
college tours of colleges
you were never gonna go to?!
208
00:08:53,933 --> 00:08:55,168
(Marge groans)
209
00:08:56,302 --> 00:08:58,438
‐(doors slamming) ‐Could it be
210
00:08:58,505 --> 00:09:00,407
that I'm finally
the favorite parent?
211
00:09:00,473 --> 00:09:02,509
Maggie, whose side are you on?
212
00:09:05,278 --> 00:09:07,414
I don't like
how digital she's getting.
213
00:09:08,348 --> 00:09:10,750
Aw, you know just what to say.
214
00:09:10,817 --> 00:09:11,951
(groans softly)
215
00:09:12,018 --> 00:09:13,153
MARGE:
Honey,
216
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:14,521
I baked you brownies to eat
217
00:09:14,587 --> 00:09:17,557
while you reconsider
stuff you've done or said.
218
00:09:17,624 --> 00:09:19,325
Wait a minute.
Do you actually think
219
00:09:19,392 --> 00:09:22,629
your brownies
will affect my life decisions?
220
00:09:22,695 --> 00:09:24,230
They have walnuts in them.
221
00:09:24,297 --> 00:09:26,666
Mom, I never really liked
your brownies,
222
00:09:26,733 --> 00:09:28,968
and I'm not going to college.
223
00:09:29,035 --> 00:09:31,171
Really? Who are you?
224
00:09:31,237 --> 00:09:32,939
All my life,
I did what I thought
225
00:09:33,006 --> 00:09:34,574
other people wanted me to do.
226
00:09:34,641 --> 00:09:36,242
Now I'm doing what I want.
227
00:09:36,309 --> 00:09:39,579
Oh. Someday, you're gonna have
a daughter of your own,
228
00:09:39,646 --> 00:09:41,247
and you'll see how I feel.
229
00:09:41,314 --> 00:09:43,116
Who says I'm gonna have kids?
230
00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,451
No college? No kids?
231
00:09:44,517 --> 00:09:47,120
How dare you lead the life
I wish I'd led.
232
00:09:47,187 --> 00:09:49,789
I'm burned out.
I'm so burned out.
233
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:52,525
I just need some time to think.
234
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:53,927
Okay. Just promise me
235
00:09:53,993 --> 00:09:56,162
that before you make
any final decisions,
236
00:09:56,229 --> 00:09:59,666
- you'll talk to...
- I know, I know. My father.
237
00:09:59,732 --> 00:10:00,934
I'm talking about the man
238
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:02,836
who's been there
for every birthday.
239
00:10:02,902 --> 00:10:07,006
The one man who took pride
in your every achievement.
240
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:08,617
I'd love to talk with you,
Lisa, but first,
241
00:10:08,641 --> 00:10:11,244
boys, it's 6:00 p. m.
Time for bed.
242
00:10:11,311 --> 00:10:13,246
BOTH (deep voice):
Yay!
243
00:10:14,047 --> 00:10:16,382
College was my dream.
Then I thought,
244
00:10:16,449 --> 00:10:19,719
"Is it really my dream
or just everyone else's?"
245
00:10:19,786 --> 00:10:21,554
Lisa, use the gifts God gave you
246
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,323
for whatever path
He puts you on.
247
00:10:23,389 --> 00:10:25,024
Get a job. Learn the pride
248
00:10:25,091 --> 00:10:26,993
that comes
with getting your own paycheck.
249
00:10:27,060 --> 00:10:30,130
Of course. The dignity of work.
250
00:10:30,196 --> 00:10:31,798
Thank you, Mr. Flanders.
251
00:10:31,865 --> 00:10:34,534
ROD (deep voice):
Daddy, can you come upstairs?
252
00:10:34,601 --> 00:10:36,002
We're scared.
253
00:10:36,069 --> 00:10:38,338
Daddy, bring the monster spray!
254
00:10:38,404 --> 00:10:41,741
I may have over‐coddled them
just a little bit.
255
00:10:42,542 --> 00:10:44,944
Now, I'm afraid
the next kilometer
256
00:10:45,011 --> 00:10:47,947
on Lisa's autobahn of life
would not be,
257
00:10:48,014 --> 00:10:50,617
as you say, easy peasy.
258
00:10:52,785 --> 00:10:54,354
♪ ♪
259
00:10:54,420 --> 00:10:56,055
Ooh, could I double down
on those?
260
00:10:56,122 --> 00:10:57,991
This is not blackjack.
261
00:10:58,057 --> 00:10:59,859
I said hit me.
262
00:10:59,926 --> 00:11:01,161
Not blackjack.
263
00:11:01,227 --> 00:11:02,562
Come on, pal, hit me.
264
00:11:02,629 --> 00:11:03,563
Fine.
265
00:11:03,630 --> 00:11:04,631
You're busted.
266
00:11:04,697 --> 00:11:07,700
D'oh! Should've held
on the hard Knave of Cups.
267
00:11:07,767 --> 00:11:09,602
I have no regrets.
268
00:11:09,669 --> 00:11:11,404
I have no regrets.
269
00:11:11,471 --> 00:11:13,806
(sniffles)
I have no regrets.
270
00:11:13,873 --> 00:11:17,010
(crying, mumbling)
271
00:11:17,076 --> 00:11:20,013
Simpson, the corn
isn't sticking to the dogs.
272
00:11:20,079 --> 00:11:22,382
Why did I waste 30 minutes
training you?
273
00:11:22,448 --> 00:11:24,918
Now the pulp is settling
in the lemonade!
274
00:11:24,984 --> 00:11:26,519
Pump! Pump!
275
00:11:26,586 --> 00:11:28,188
Pump...!
276
00:11:28,254 --> 00:11:29,923
Why am I working here?
277
00:11:29,989 --> 00:11:31,324
Even I can't answer that,
278
00:11:31,391 --> 00:11:33,893
and I was a philosophy major
at Brown.
279
00:11:33,960 --> 00:11:34,960
Brown!
280
00:11:34,994 --> 00:11:37,630
Brown...!
281
00:11:37,697 --> 00:11:39,199
God, that job sucks.
282
00:11:39,265 --> 00:11:41,167
Here's a little secret, honey.
283
00:11:41,234 --> 00:11:42,302
All jobs suck.
284
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,237
That's why you get paid
to do them.
285
00:11:44,304 --> 00:11:45,605
So you had your gap week.
286
00:11:45,672 --> 00:11:47,974
Now you're finally going
to college, right?
287
00:11:48,041 --> 00:11:49,475
No. Not ever.
288
00:11:49,542 --> 00:11:52,212
Okay, I can't change this,
and I can't accept this.
289
00:11:52,278 --> 00:11:55,748
What do I do? Go downstairs
and yell into the dryer.
290
00:11:57,016 --> 00:11:58,585
(footsteps descending stairs)
291
00:11:58,651 --> 00:12:00,186
(echoing):
Why is she doing this?!
292
00:12:00,253 --> 00:12:01,554
Why won't she go to college?!
293
00:12:01,621 --> 00:12:03,756
We've been planning this
her whole life!
294
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,091
Why?!
295
00:12:05,158 --> 00:12:07,260
I'll have that picture
and that picture
296
00:12:07,327 --> 00:12:10,029
and a diet that picture,
if'n you please.
297
00:12:10,096 --> 00:12:11,564
Can't you read the names?
298
00:12:11,631 --> 00:12:12,699
No, ma'am.
299
00:12:12,765 --> 00:12:14,434
You seem to read just fine,
300
00:12:14,500 --> 00:12:16,469
and you're stuck in this dump.
301
00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:17,604
Not anymore.
302
00:12:17,670 --> 00:12:18,972
I know what I'm gonna do.
303
00:12:19,038 --> 00:12:22,609
I hope it starts with pressin'
the button what brings my food.
304
00:12:22,675 --> 00:12:24,744
Nope. I'm not gonna learn.
305
00:12:24,811 --> 00:12:25,878
I'm gonna teach!
306
00:12:25,945 --> 00:12:27,914
I'm gonna start
an after‐school program,
307
00:12:27,981 --> 00:12:30,650
individualized and accessible to children
308
00:12:30,717 --> 00:12:32,118
who fall through the cracks.
309
00:12:32,185 --> 00:12:34,153
What are you going to do
for money?
310
00:12:34,220 --> 00:12:35,321
Workman's comp.
311
00:12:35,388 --> 00:12:38,091
I'd like to see you try.
312
00:12:39,559 --> 00:12:40,760
On my way!
313
00:12:40,827 --> 00:12:42,895
- Whoo‐hoo!
- (clattering)
314
00:12:42,962 --> 00:12:45,431
Welcome to the Boundless
Horizons School,
315
00:12:45,498 --> 00:12:47,300
where I'm gonna change
your lives
316
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,469
and you're gonna write letters
to me forever
317
00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:53,473
and you'll say I was
your most influential person.
318
00:12:53,539 --> 00:12:56,376
Just exactly how
are you gonna teach us?
319
00:12:56,442 --> 00:12:58,945
Well, I'm gonna use
every trick there is.
320
00:12:59,012 --> 00:12:59,746
I'll put the desks in a circle.
321
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:02,282
I'll take
the toughest one of you
322
00:13:02,348 --> 00:13:05,151
and put him or her in charge
of making everyone behave.
323
00:13:05,218 --> 00:13:09,188
And I'll teach Shakespeare
using dances from TikTok.
324
00:13:09,255 --> 00:13:10,823
♪ Out, out, damned spot ♪
325
00:13:10,890 --> 00:13:13,693
♪ This is the way that
Shakespeare should be taught. ♪
326
00:13:13,760 --> 00:13:16,229
(beatboxing)
327
00:13:16,296 --> 00:13:19,032
Her incredible lameness
has me riveted.
328
00:13:19,098 --> 00:13:21,901
Finally, someone who gets me
as a stereotype.
329
00:13:21,968 --> 00:13:23,903
Wait one minute, young lady.
330
00:13:23,970 --> 00:13:26,039
You cannot just open
your own school
331
00:13:26,105 --> 00:13:28,641
and start to better
random lives.
332
00:13:28,708 --> 00:13:29,709
Um...
333
00:13:29,776 --> 00:13:31,044
You have to sign this form
334
00:13:31,110 --> 00:13:34,013
and pay a $25 city business tax.
335
00:13:34,080 --> 00:13:35,315
‐(chuckles) ‐Okay.
336
00:13:35,381 --> 00:13:37,150
Just give me the change, please.
337
00:13:37,216 --> 00:13:38,785
Uh, this is embarrassing.
338
00:13:38,851 --> 00:13:40,853
Um, I'm not great at math.
339
00:13:40,920 --> 00:13:42,655
Leave that to me.
340
00:13:42,722 --> 00:13:44,724
♪ ♪
341
00:13:56,069 --> 00:13:59,005
♪ ♪
342
00:13:59,072 --> 00:14:00,773
Lisa Simpson's
after‐school program
343
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,642
has been a tremendous success.
344
00:14:02,709 --> 00:14:04,310
Unlike the news business.
345
00:14:04,377 --> 00:14:07,814
Lisa now has over 100 franchises
here in the Illiteracy Belt.
346
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:11,150
And now, given her high profile
and 80% approval rating,
347
00:14:11,217 --> 00:14:13,286
Lisa's running
for state school superintendent
348
00:14:13,353 --> 00:14:15,822
against incumbent Gary Chalmers.
349
00:14:15,888 --> 00:14:17,623
Under my opponent,
350
00:14:17,690 --> 00:14:19,425
test scores have fallen.
351
00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:22,428
Graduation rates have fallen.
352
00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:26,499
I am not going to stand here and
listen to some nasty woman...
353
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:28,668
(booing, jeering)
354
00:14:28,735 --> 00:14:30,670
I‐I'm just trying to make
a point, all right?
355
00:14:30,737 --> 00:14:33,873
I'm not gonna let some stupid,
nasty, homely woman...
356
00:14:33,940 --> 00:14:35,908
(shouting)
357
00:14:35,975 --> 00:14:37,577
Simpson!
358
00:14:37,643 --> 00:14:38,644
I concede.
359
00:14:38,711 --> 00:14:40,513
Uh, congratulations.
360
00:14:40,580 --> 00:14:41,580
(cheering, applause)
361
00:14:41,614 --> 00:14:43,716
Beloved superintendent
of schools, Lisa Simpson,
362
00:14:43,783 --> 00:14:45,318
is now running for governor!
363
00:14:45,385 --> 00:14:47,086
Soon she'll move
beyond the scope
364
00:14:47,153 --> 00:14:49,455
of a career‐stuck
local anchorman like me.
365
00:14:49,522 --> 00:14:51,233
(sped‐up): This is
Kent Brockman signing off.
366
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:53,092
Lisa Simpson, governor of...
(mumbles)
367
00:14:53,159 --> 00:14:54,293
is running for president.
368
00:14:54,360 --> 00:14:56,195
Not even her
highly damaged relationship
369
00:14:56,262 --> 00:14:57,930
with her mother
can stop her now.
370
00:14:57,997 --> 00:14:59,365
Nate Silver analyzes.
371
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:01,000
Well, George,
Lisa is doing great
372
00:15:01,067 --> 00:15:02,301
with disenchanted daughters.
373
00:15:02,368 --> 00:15:04,303
Also tiger moms,
checked‐out dads
374
00:15:04,370 --> 00:15:06,139
and grandparents
who like everything,
375
00:15:06,205 --> 00:15:07,874
plus middle children,
nerds of all ages
376
00:15:07,940 --> 00:15:09,609
and saxophonists
above second chair.
377
00:15:09,675 --> 00:15:11,177
(saxophone plays)
378
00:15:11,244 --> 00:15:13,279
Now, it's a week
before the election but‐‐
379
00:15:13,346 --> 00:15:15,181
what the hell‐‐
I'm calling it for Lisa.
380
00:15:15,248 --> 00:15:16,749
My work here is done.
381
00:15:16,816 --> 00:15:18,117
Good luck, America.
382
00:15:20,953 --> 00:15:22,955
It's 5:38 somewhere.
383
00:15:23,790 --> 00:15:26,159
This just in.
Lisa Simpson has been elected
384
00:15:26,225 --> 00:15:28,494
the eighth president
who did not go to college,
385
00:15:28,561 --> 00:15:31,030
joining George Washington,
Abraham Lincoln
386
00:15:31,097 --> 00:15:32,432
and Harry S. Truman.
387
00:15:32,498 --> 00:15:34,967
Think about that when you're
paying your student loans.
388
00:15:35,034 --> 00:15:36,469
Stephanopoulos out.
389
00:15:36,536 --> 00:15:39,305
My daughter
really becomes president?
390
00:15:39,372 --> 00:15:42,809
Yes. But you have to learn it
on the streets.
391
00:15:42,875 --> 00:15:45,144
(drones whirring)
392
00:15:45,211 --> 00:15:47,747
Great news
about your daughter, Marge.
393
00:15:47,814 --> 00:15:49,782
She's finally going to college?
394
00:15:49,849 --> 00:15:51,317
No. She's president.
395
00:15:51,384 --> 00:15:53,085
You knew that, didn't you?
396
00:15:53,152 --> 00:15:56,189
Oh, crap.
I really am out of the loop.
397
00:15:58,458 --> 00:16:01,093
Look, the heart of the story
is Lisa and me.
398
00:16:01,160 --> 00:16:02,929
Do we finally get along?
399
00:16:03,196 --> 00:16:04,397
Also, in the future,
400
00:16:04,464 --> 00:16:06,532
how many more Ghostbusters
do they make?
401
00:16:06,599 --> 00:16:10,136
Four. The gay Ghostbusters
is fantastic.
402
00:16:10,203 --> 00:16:12,872
Can't we dwell on the fact
that I was president?
403
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:15,374
So concerned about your futures
404
00:16:15,441 --> 00:16:17,577
but no one cares about mine.
405
00:16:17,643 --> 00:16:18,811
I won't get into details,
406
00:16:18,878 --> 00:16:22,682
but my body winds up in
the dumpster behind the store.
407
00:16:22,748 --> 00:16:24,817
Do any of you give a damn?
408
00:16:24,884 --> 00:16:26,619
(coughs)
409
00:16:26,686 --> 00:16:27,553
Very well.
410
00:16:27,620 --> 00:16:30,156
Now we have come
to the final two cards.
411
00:16:30,223 --> 00:16:32,258
The future will be revealed.
412
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:35,394
But first, I want to plug
my gig this Saturday
413
00:16:35,461 --> 00:16:38,397
at the Comedy & Magic Club.
414
00:16:39,665 --> 00:16:43,002
I conjure the spirit
of Rodney Dangerfield.
415
00:16:43,069 --> 00:16:45,171
Ich bekomme keinen Respekt.
416
00:16:45,238 --> 00:16:46,873
I'm telling you.
417
00:16:46,939 --> 00:16:48,841
Ah. Here we are.
418
00:16:48,908 --> 00:16:50,476
It's Inauguration Day,
419
00:16:50,543 --> 00:16:54,614
and Marge and Lisa
are barely speaking.
420
00:16:56,549 --> 00:16:59,418
And I promise you that,
as your president,
421
00:16:59,485 --> 00:17:01,721
I will obsess over your welfare,
422
00:17:01,787 --> 00:17:04,023
because I don't have a life!
423
00:17:04,090 --> 00:17:05,892
You're all I've got!
424
00:17:05,958 --> 00:17:08,694
And I will serve you.
425
00:17:08,761 --> 00:17:10,763
(cheering, whooping)
426
00:17:12,532 --> 00:17:13,599
(screeches)
427
00:17:13,666 --> 00:17:16,636
And we'll get right on that!
428
00:17:16,702 --> 00:17:18,104
Madam President,
429
00:17:18,170 --> 00:17:19,739
just after you were sworn in,
430
00:17:19,805 --> 00:17:21,574
your predecessor
finally conceded.
431
00:17:21,641 --> 00:17:25,177
These transitional tantrums
get longer and longer.
432
00:17:25,244 --> 00:17:26,255
(Wilhelm scream in distance)
433
00:17:26,279 --> 00:17:29,181
Okay, he promised
he'd leave after he did that.
434
00:17:29,248 --> 00:17:31,384
But you're going to be
a great president.
435
00:17:31,450 --> 00:17:33,252
Thank you.
436
00:17:33,319 --> 00:17:35,021
But maybe not a happy one.
437
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:36,087
Bart!
438
00:17:36,122 --> 00:17:38,157
Oh, I almost hugged you.
439
00:17:38,224 --> 00:17:39,892
Well, I almost wish you had.
440
00:17:39,959 --> 00:17:41,460
Oh. I think I will.
441
00:17:41,527 --> 00:17:42,527
I hope you do.
442
00:17:42,562 --> 00:17:43,562
(grunts)
443
00:17:43,596 --> 00:17:44,864
I know what you need.
444
00:17:44,931 --> 00:17:48,034
Some President's Choice
High Carumba.
445
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:49,969
Why did you bring that here?
446
00:17:50,036 --> 00:17:51,170
A: it's legal.
447
00:17:51,237 --> 00:17:52,905
B: somehow still cool.
448
00:17:52,972 --> 00:17:55,474
And C: you really need
to chill out.
449
00:17:56,742 --> 00:17:58,544
♪ ♪
450
00:18:00,613 --> 00:18:01,747
(guns cocking)
451
00:18:02,748 --> 00:18:05,518
He's with me! He's with me!
452
00:18:07,086 --> 00:18:08,854
Oh, I got to tell you something.
453
00:18:08,921 --> 00:18:11,457
Now that we're both grown
and successful‐‐
454
00:18:11,524 --> 00:18:12,592
you, president,
455
00:18:12,658 --> 00:18:14,260
me, pot CEO
456
00:18:14,327 --> 00:18:16,996
and owner of three NBA teams‐‐
457
00:18:17,063 --> 00:18:18,497
I feel different.
458
00:18:18,564 --> 00:18:21,634
I really, really,
really don't hate you.
459
00:18:21,701 --> 00:18:22,768
Aw.
460
00:18:22,835 --> 00:18:24,737
Got anything to say to me?
461
00:18:24,804 --> 00:18:26,872
Um... yes.
462
00:18:26,939 --> 00:18:28,074
All right.
463
00:18:28,140 --> 00:18:29,275
I'll admit it.
464
00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:32,345
I've always been
kind of a pain in the butt.
465
00:18:32,411 --> 00:18:33,245
Wow.
466
00:18:33,312 --> 00:18:34,814
If you had said that earlier,
467
00:18:34,880 --> 00:18:37,149
even I would have voted for you.
468
00:18:37,216 --> 00:18:39,418
‐(drones whirring) ‐(applause)
469
00:18:41,087 --> 00:18:42,555
Wow, that's pretty cool
470
00:18:42,622 --> 00:18:45,891
for someone who was
always unpopular. (chuckles)
471
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,426
But, but wait!
472
00:18:47,493 --> 00:18:48,294
Not my fault.
473
00:18:48,361 --> 00:18:50,363
Because,
I don't know if you know,
474
00:18:50,429 --> 00:18:54,367
but I did not come from a family
that made things easy.
475
00:18:54,433 --> 00:18:57,637
Well, maybe you didn't make
things easier for them either.
476
00:18:57,703 --> 00:18:59,739
Maybe Mom was the one
who was helping you
477
00:18:59,805 --> 00:19:01,774
in ways you don't even remember.
478
00:19:01,841 --> 00:19:02,875
♪ ♪
479
00:19:02,942 --> 00:19:05,378
♪ Old days ♪
480
00:19:07,179 --> 00:19:09,849
♪ Good times I remember ♪
481
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,450
♪ Fun days... ♪
482
00:19:11,517 --> 00:19:14,120
Oh, wow.
483
00:19:16,989 --> 00:19:18,457
♪ ♪
484
00:19:20,459 --> 00:19:21,661
Mom?
485
00:19:21,727 --> 00:19:23,029
She's clean.
Checked her hair.
486
00:19:23,095 --> 00:19:24,430
Took 45 minutes.
487
00:19:24,497 --> 00:19:26,932
I'm here to see
if you'll finally admit
488
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:29,602
you'd be better off
if you'd gone to college.
489
00:19:29,669 --> 00:19:30,603
Are you crazy?
490
00:19:30,670 --> 00:19:32,738
You still can't admit
you were wrong.
491
00:19:32,805 --> 00:19:34,407
Let me tell you something, lady.
492
00:19:34,473 --> 00:19:37,076
Wait a minute.
Just‐just wait a minute.
493
00:19:37,143 --> 00:19:38,611
I'm president now.
494
00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,613
I have a lot of resources.
495
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:43,215
Where's my mom translator?
496
00:19:44,016 --> 00:19:46,085
Maybe I started off
on the wrong foot.
497
00:19:46,152 --> 00:19:48,220
"You constantly let me down."
498
00:19:48,287 --> 00:19:51,524
Of course, I appreciate
everything you're saying.
499
00:19:51,590 --> 00:19:53,592
"You were never really in
my corner."
500
00:19:53,659 --> 00:19:56,729
I may have said
a lot of things in anger.
501
00:19:56,796 --> 00:19:59,665
"I meant what I said
and I will stick to it.
502
00:19:59,732 --> 00:20:03,803
But no matter what,
I was always proud of you."
503
00:20:03,869 --> 00:20:05,604
You made me mad, too.
504
00:20:05,671 --> 00:20:07,940
"I was hurt
because I care so much.
505
00:20:08,007 --> 00:20:11,777
All the respect and love I have
for people came from you."
506
00:20:11,844 --> 00:20:13,279
That's nice to hear.
507
00:20:13,345 --> 00:20:14,780
(choked up):
"I love you so much."
508
00:20:14,847 --> 00:20:15,781
(sobbing softly)
509
00:20:15,848 --> 00:20:17,783
"I love you, too."
510
00:20:17,850 --> 00:20:20,820
‐(crying) ‐Oh, oh.
511
00:20:20,886 --> 00:20:22,922
(sniffles)
Okay, you can go now.
512
00:20:22,988 --> 00:20:25,091
"This translator is fantastic.
513
00:20:25,157 --> 00:20:26,659
Give her a raise."
514
00:20:26,726 --> 00:20:28,994
(fireworks popping)
515
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:30,262
(squealing)
516
00:20:30,329 --> 00:20:32,565
("Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"
plays)
517
00:20:41,574 --> 00:20:44,276
Okay. I enjoyed that story,
but I got to know,
518
00:20:44,343 --> 00:20:45,911
how much is really true?
519
00:20:46,145 --> 00:20:48,748
Let me consult the oracle.
520
00:20:48,814 --> 00:20:51,217
Okay, Lisa,
I'll give it to you straight.
521
00:20:51,283 --> 00:20:53,953
You've got a 98% chance
of going to college,
522
00:20:54,019 --> 00:20:55,354
83% Ivy League,
523
00:20:55,421 --> 00:20:56,922
47% chance of a boyfriend,
524
00:20:56,989 --> 00:20:58,924
72% chance of a girlfriend.
525
00:20:58,991 --> 00:20:59,991
Oh!
526
00:21:00,025 --> 00:21:02,261
(chuckles):
I like those odds!
527
00:21:02,328 --> 00:21:04,130
Hey, can I get the game on this?
528
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:06,165
It's not a TV.
529
00:21:06,232 --> 00:21:08,968
Captioning sponsored by
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FOX BROADCASTING COMPANY
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And FORD.
We go further, so you can.
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Shh!
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