All language subtitles for Hebburn s02e02 Easy Tiger.eng

RETCHING AND COUGHING

You know, nothing makes my tea
and toast go down better than

the soft, gentle sound of
morning sickness in the background.

Sorry.

It's probably not the pregnancy
making you ill.

Might be this wallpaper.
Yeah. I know.

I mean, I'm glad your gran just
gave us somewhere to live

but I do feel like I'm living
in a Miss Marple theme park.

Tell you what, to cheer you up, why
don't we get this room decorated?

We can't get any skinter.
Let's do the nursery!

Howay, man, Preggers, we've got
five month before the baby comes.

Let's decorate a room we use like
the living room or the bedroom.

Please, Jack.

How about, we do out this room,
then as soon as I can get

an advance on one of my book ideas
we'll nursery until it hurts?

It might take ages to get an advance,
if it happens at all!

That's what we need - positive
thoughts(!) Don't do the face.

Not the face. Please. Not the...

Ugh, OK. We'll unnecessarily
decorate the nursery.

Right, I've got to go.
Got to take me dad for his check up.

You haven't brushed your teeth,
have you?

No.

Bye.

Mind! That's my collection of
glass swans and glass Pierrots!

And me glasses!

Sorry, Gran.

Honestly, at this rate,
Dot'll have moved in

and there won't be a single
trace of her ornaments.

Still, can't be helped!

Morning, girls!
Here's your paper, Pauline!

You'll be having to drop mine
off here now, Ramsey.

I'm living with Joe and Pauline.

Just for a little while.
Until I die.

Now, listen, while we're here,

I want to take everything
at a nice, slow, gentle pace.

Yeah, of course.

Otherwise I'll be home before your
gran's finished moving her stuff in

and you know what your
mam's like when people start changing things in the house.

I remember when I put that
Jordan poster up, she went mental.

Oh, I'll never forget that poster.

Oi! Stop thinking about Jordan and
concentrate on the task in hand.

I wasn't thinking about her hands.

Right then, let's have a look
at the scores on the doors.

This all looks fine,

although there's a bit
of acceleration towards the end.

He was thinking about Jordan.

Lovely country, apparently.
Never been meself.

Well, everything's within acceptable
parameters, so we're cushty.

Now, we're here for
your post-stroke assessment.

Hooray(!)

Oi! Pay attention! Mam couldn't
take you having another stroke.

I brought you here because your
mam would have fussed too much.

I should have come on me own.

On your own?
Driving and changing gears?

Kermit's got stronger
arms than that.

Now, come on.
Vicki needs to get to college.

I'm bettering myself.

I've only been there for a week
and I already feel bettered.

Mam? Do you think that
I look bettered?

Totally, flower.
Now come on, I need to get to work.

Houses don't just sell themselves.

Well, some do
but not the ones on my books.

Oh, and we've got the man
coming round later to

put in your stairlift.

(So Dot can get up to her new lair.)

Hello, Dorothy. Moving in?

That should bring
a bit of sunshine to our street.

Arthur, can we interest
you in adopting this

increasingly endangered creature?

Oh, I reckon Dorothy's got
a year or two left yet!

You can't do that, Pauline.

Tigger will improve
the look of your place.

Listen to me! OUR place.

Unfortunately, my theme for ornaments
is anything but ceramic predators.

I'll look after him for you,
Dorothy.

Right.

Maybe you could come and
visit us some afternoon?

I do a mean scone
if your teeth are up to it?

What do I need a man for?
I've already had two.

The second one was a bastard

and the first didn't even have
that going for him.

Enjoy!

Look, I'm knackered.

I know I'm knackered,
you know I'm knackered

and candy-floss-head here
knows I'm knackered,

so can I just have my pills
and I'll be on me way?

Now, Joe, if your quality
of life is going to improve,

what we need to do
is set you some goals.

Oh, good(!) Goals.
Great. I'll make a list.

A list as well!

Are you sure your mother hasn't
got you on remote control?

Just a few things to strive towards.

For instance, what are you
missing most since the stroke?

Pub.

Dad, be serious.

That's fine. Let's make that a goal.
Joe is allowed to go to the pub.

And that's a goal, is it? Bloody
hell. Let's go for a hat-trick then.

As long as you walk there yourself.

What? I can't even crawl up to the
top of the bloody stairs in one go,

I have to stop halfway
and set up a base camp.

So, let's make that your first goal.
Getting upstairs in one go.

And another long-term goal could
be being able to drive again.

Nice one.

So eventually I'll be able to
drive to the pub, get lashed,

drive back home and
crawl up the stairs into bed.

Don't worry.

We'll get it all fixed up for you.

PHONE RINGS

Hi. Do you realise how lucky
you are to have such a kind

and brilliant husband?
All right, smartarse,

what minor triumph are you
rolling around in now?

If you want a decorated nursery,
then a decorated nursery you

shall have, my incontinent
blonde-haired angel.

Really? Are we going to
do this, Jack? Are we?

Yes. Because, luckily,
I have hired the best decorator

in all of Hebburn.
Wow. Can we afford him?

Yes. Because, luckily, he also
happens to be the cheapest decorator

in all of Hebburn.

DOOR BELL
That'll be him now.

All right, pet?

If you would do me the considerable
honour of being my wife.

Well, I'm not that way
inclined myself, like,

but, if I was Denise, I can't
see how she could possibly say no.

Ramsey, you're not still
practising proposing, are you?

How many times
are you asking her?

Jack, I'm in love.
That's what love is.

You find someone who
lights up your soul,

then you grind them
down until they give in.

Can we get back to work, please,

before you're engaged to
every single member of staff?

David, any calls?

Nowt. But you know what they say,
no news is good news.

Not for a newspaper!

We did get an e-mail from
one of the publishers

we sent your book ideas to.

What did he say?
This should be good.

He didn't say, "Good."
He definitely didn't say, "Good."

But he did say, "Thanks for trying."

God loves a trier, mate.

Aye, but God doesn't publish
books, does he, mate?

Er, I think you'll
find he published the Bible.

Aye. And that's a best seller.

One-nil? One-nil.

One-nil.

Are you all right, pet?

No!

I've just walked from
the kerb to the front door

and I need an oxygen mask!

So what did the doctor say?

He's set me some goals
for me recovery.

Oh, goals. That's what they give
you when you're near the end.

They told Moira Carson
to walk a mile every day after

she'd had her new hip put in.

And that killed her.

What, by just walking?

No. Run over by an ambulance.

Very ironic.
But then, her family always were.

Her son was dyslexic.
He was hit by a mobile library.

And if we go through here,
you'll see

another similar
but slightly smaller room.

Hm.

And, as you can see, there's loads
of potential for...remodelling,

as well as redecorating potential,
refurnishing potential...

In fact, potential is the thing
I would say it has the most of.

I can't argue with
you there, Pauline.

You've said in your brochure
it's characterful and charming

but I'm sort of feeling it's
more...dilapidated and broken down.

Bit like my Joe, eh, Doctor?

Your Joe'll outlive us both,
Pauline.

But I'm not sure I can say
the same about this place.

Only me!

Here she is,
the girl who never knocks.

I let meself in.
Save yous getting up.

Always thinking of others(!)

I brought the last of your things
from the old folks' home, Dot.

Mostly it's stuff we confiscated
from you when you were there.

Ooh! Let's a have a look
and see what we've got.

Pills.

Me racy books.

Oh! And me cosh!

Hey, did you find her soul in there?

Just ignore Joe. He's coming to
terms with his mortality.

Can I just have a sit down?

I'm coming to terms
with me swollen ankles.

Me Uggs are pinching like shih-tzus.

You know, I suffered
terribly with my ankles

when I was carrying Joe.
I was bedridden.

I could hardly move.

Although he never
thanked me for me hardship.

Well, I'm just glad I've got
a few months before I've got to

start getting everything ready.

Hey, our Jack and Sarah are
decorating their nursery today.

Are they?
You should do the same, Denise!

You'll be a right mess
by the time the baby comes.

You'll not be able to do nowt!

Won't I? No, flower.

You'll have to leave
everything to your other half.

Right, I'm off! Going so soon?

Aye, I've got to get
a nursery sorted.

If I leave it to Ramsey,
me baby'll have a bloody rattle

made out of empty lager tins.
THEY LAUGH

HE MOUTHS

Hi, Pauline. Hiya.

Ah, Pauline! Ralph.

I didn't hear you come in.

By which I mean I didn't hear
the sales bell ringing.

Which is what usually happens
when I come in.

I'm an estate agent, not a leper.

Well, on the evidence of
the sales sheet, you're not one

but you could certainly
be the other. Eh?

HE LAUGHS

You should meet my mother-in-law.
You've got a lot in common.

Has she sold two houses
and a flat this week, as well?

No, but she's deeply
unpleasant as well.

PHONE RINGS: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

Ah, Mrs Bradley.

Really? Well, smart decision.

Yeah. OK, I'll let them know.

Talk to you later. Bye-bye.

Boom!

And THAT is the one that's going to
pay for my alloy wheels, people!

Gangnam Style!

If you please.

There you go, chief.

The Stairmaster 2000,
all ready to go.

Congratulations.
You're upwardly mobile.

Whoa! This isn't for me!

I can leap up them
stairs in one bound, me.

Given enough warning.

It's for me, flower.

And I think I'd like to
test-drive it up to the lavvy.

The barbarians are at the gates,
if you know what I mean.

You can lift me onto
the seat if you like. Hm?

Instructions. Bye.

See you.

Well, don't look at me.

Hello, folks. Sorry for barging in.
The door was open.

Oh, we can't be having
guests round.

We're rushed off our feet
this afternoon.

We're getting ready
for a test-flight,

then I'm launching
a couple of satellites.

Ignore her, Arthur. She's in
one of her moods.

I think this one started about 1973.

You haven't got far
with your boxes.

Can I give you a hand, Dorothy?

We can manage perfectly well without
your wandering hands all over me

knick-knacks, thank you.
Now, on your way.

Are you sure?

I thought what with Joe having
a stroke and all you might want...

Goodbye, Arthur. Right-o.

What did you do that for?

He would've lifted all them boxes
up the top of the stairs for us.

He could've been your love slave.

No, thank you. I know his type.
They're only ever after one thing.

And I do not want to see him

picking my support stockings
out of his teeth.

Oh, Mam!

Everything...all right?

Aye, just stopping
for a bit of bait. Oh!

Would you care for a meat pie?
I've got some more in the fridge.

I'm sort of craving ground-up
meat at the minute.

Aye, meat, emulsifiers,
corn starch and reconstituted parts.

It's like a party in your mouth

but all the guests have
just got out of prison.

Well, I find that horseradish
really helps the taste.

Horseradish? Interesting.

Have you considered mixing a
bit of brown sauce

with a blob of mustard?

Ooh! That could work.

Amazing!
What else would you recommend?

Would you like to try my speciality?

Tuna pasta tandoori Wellington Kiev.

So, at college, they said

I can change me course
in the second semester.

Brilliant, yeah. Pass us
that screwdriver, will you?

I've got some stubborn gum
under this table.

I mean, I'm just in the first
semester now, but I'm loving it.

I feel like I was born to
be in a semester.

Do you know what I mean?

Aye. Well, I certainly wasn't
born to do this.

I bet Robbie Williams

doesn't have to clean the bogs
at the O2 before his gigs.

Yep, nicotine replacement gum.

Always the hardest to get off.
I better go fire up the steamer.

That's all right. I'll just sit
here and reread me prospectus.

Do you need a hand?

No, I think I made it. Cheers(!)

Where've you been, like?

IKEA in Gateshead, haven't I?

Shuffling around the maze of dreams
with the rest of the winners.

I've been starting me new life
by doing me orientation at college.

Oh, have you? I wish I'd known(!)

You did, man, Denise.
I texted you...

and tweeted and Facebooked.

I know. I seen it.

You even gave yourself
a like for it.

That's cos there wasn't a button for
love. "Vicky Pearson loves this."

That's what it would have said.
Went well then, did it?

Well, I was talking to Lindsay.
Lindsay's me BFF at college...

Hang on. I thought I was your BFF.

You're me BFF in Hebburn.

Well, what if this
Lindsay comes to Hebburn?

Will you be telling me to BFF off?

Denise. That would never happen.
Lindsay would never come here.

Is that right?

Hey, fancy coming round mine
tonight,

help us get this cot put up?

Then we'll get the jim-jams on,
Jackie Chan double-bill,

two and a half pizzas each?

No, ta, pet. I've got to get
all me file dividers sorted

and work out me
wardrobe for the week.

Lindsay reckons I need to dress

more like an academic
instead of a florist.

But you are a florist.
No, Denise. I WAS a florist.

Now I'm an academic
in florist's clothing.

Good to see you're
moving up in the world.

I didn't even need tea lights.

Do you think a semester
knows it's a semester?

Right, boss,
I'd better get these delivered.

Then, my friends,
it's proposal o'clock.

Doing it full-bore this time.

Stripped to the waist with
a rose between me teeth.

No, man. Women don't like
all that macho crap.

You've got to be classy, man.

Sweep her off her feet and be
a little bit stylish with it.

You're right. The rose
is too much, isn't it?

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Hebburn Advertiser.

Hang on, I'll see if he's in.
Jack, are you in?

Well, now they know that I am,
I suppose I'd better be.

Putting you through.

Hello. Jack Pearson.

Jack, hi. Bob Muirfield,
Fandale Publishing.

Hi, Bob. Great to hear from you.
Yeah, whatever.

Look, I've just finished
reading your sample chapters.

Very interesting.

Really? Thanks, Bob.

No-one's really told the story

of a pregnancy from
the man's point of view.

And in diary form as well.
Really fascinating stuff!

Eh? But.. No. I sent you the book

about the monkey that
got hanged in Hartlepool but

if it'd lived and learned to read
and become a civil rights activist.

Oh, that? That was awful.
We like the second one.

What is it? Jack's Journal.

You sent him my journal?!

You said to send him everything
in the documents folder.

'I particularly like the bit about,

'"She changes her mood
more often than the TV channel."'

Er...cheers!

'Now, we've only got the first
four months here, Jack.'

When do you reckon you can
get the rest to us?

In about five months?
I'm sort of writing it in real-time.

Love it!

Look, the advance won't be huge,
but I want in now.

So have we got a deal, Jack? Come on.

(Yes! Yes! Say yes!)

Erm...

Yeah. Glorious! The characters
really jump off the page.

Sarah? What a bitch! People are
going to love reading about her!

Someone'll be in touch about
contracts and stuff. Gotta go.

Talk to you later.
Don't forget to write.

Ho-ho!

Jack, you've done it, man!
A book deal!

You know, if I'd
had that kind of news,

I'd take everyone down the pub
and buy them a pint.

Would you? Yeah.

What's wrong, boss?

Let me spell it out for you.

You have been instrumental
in me getting a book deal...

You're very welcome...for
a book about my pregnant wife.

A book in which I outline,
to the world, her every fault!

A book that I can
never tell her about!

Well, you know, just tell her it's
about another lass called Sarah

that you got pregnant.
Problem solved.

Two-nil? Oh, two-nil.

Two-nil.

You're right. It is unusual

for a house with that much damp
to have fire damage.

OK. Well, thanks for your call, pet.

Oh, dear. Another epic fail?

Ralph, I think even you might
struggle to sell a maisonette

that's above an abattoir.

If you were any good,
you'd find a way.

Are you suggesting I talk people

into buying something
they'll regret later?

I think you'll find that
is in the job description.

I'm sorry, I can't stand
the idea of people feeling

unhappy in their own home.
How would I sleep at night?

Do you want to know how
I sleep at night, Pauline? No.

On a king-sized four-poster bed,
in cotton-rich pyjamas.

And I drive to that bed
in a Mazda MX-5.

All these things I got by talking
people into buying houses

that don't really suit them.

Please, don't resign
until I get back.

I'd hate to miss it when it happens.

Ta-ta!

I hope you crash your stupid Mazda
thingy into your big, stupid bed.

Hello, Doctor.
I didn't expect to see you here.

Is everything all right?
Has Joe relapsed?

Joe's fine.

I was thinking about what you said

and that flat's just
not right for me.

You didn't need to come in
just to tell us I was right.

I mean, it's not right for me.
But it does have potential.

I'll move back in with me mam
while I renovate.

Could make a fortune
when it's all fixed up.

Are you saying
you're going to buy it?

I can pay you the deposit
whenever you want.

SHE GIGGLES

Is there anything else I need to do?

You might need to put
your fingers in your ears.

PHONE RINGS: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

CLANGING

SHE LAUGHS MANIACALLY

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Who is it?

It's me, Sarah. Can I come in?

Eh...aye,
but it's not quite finished, like.

RADIO PLAYS CLASSICAL MUSIC

Why aye.

Like I say, it's not finished.

I've still got to put
the cherubs up and that, like.

How did you...? Why don't you...?

Oh, it's amazing!

Aye, cheers.
It's just a hobby, like.

I mean, me main career's
in the grave-digging.

But why? You're so good at it.

You've even got the rainbow ending

exactly where we're going to
put the crib to create...

BOTH:..a focal point in the room...

..like.

Scotch egg? Belter.

BOTH: Cheers!

Joe.

I've sold a house! Hey! On me own!

To someone I'm not even related to!

Oh, well done, my angel.

See, I told you you could do it.

Oh! Isn't that graceful?

If you ask me, she looks
like someone out of Thunderbirds.

It's like a slow version

of that thing that Cheryl
uses to get on stage.

Except it's wheelchair-accessible!

Vicky, I've sold me first real house!

THEY SQUEAL

Congratulations!

Typical!

I'm mobile between two floors
for the first time in ten years,

and Pauline steals me moment

because at last she's done
the job they're paying her for.

And, to celebrate, I got us...

..some champagne!
Real French champagne?

No, Polish.

But the man in the shop said,
with champagne,

what you're really paying
for is the label...and the taste.

Right, who's going to
celebrate with us?

Oh, I can't. I need a clear head

to get all my folders
and me binders out

and see which boob tube
looks most...academic.

A clear head? Hey, don't be
going all teetotal on us.

The economy's in enough
trouble as it is.

Dot? Polish fizz for you?

Not for me, Pauline.
I'm a bit busy trying to inject

some of my personality into
a rather dowdy box room.

There's only one injection
I'd like to give.

Lethal? Correct. Joe?

Can I have some?

In your condition? I'm afraid not.

No, you'll have to watch me drink it.
You can open it for us.

What, with my one good arm?

Ah, well, you'll have to
watch me open it. And drink it.

I think I'm going to get meself
ever so delicately lashed.

Howay, man.

Are all Swedish people born with

a bloody degree in
furniture building, or what?

Denise Chantelle Rutherford,
would you do me the honour of...?

Shut it! Yes, pet.

Are you all right?

I dunno. It's that bloody
thing out there, isn't it?

Your mam? Tell me about it.

No, that stairlifty thing.
It's for old people.

Well, yes, it is for your mam
and, yes, she is old.

So, yes, it is for old people.

Look, you know I don't like
to complain...

SHE SCOFFS

..but it is in my house.

"There he goes.
Poor brave-but-tragic Joe.

"Used to be as strong
as a teenage ox."

Listen, love, it's no more
tragic than you being 55

and still living with your mam.

Hey, I don't live with her!
She lives with me!

Oh. Trying to cheer us up.
Well done.

You're worth cheering up.
I used to be.

Hecky Moses. Between you
and your mam,

I wish we'd had
an ejector seat installed.

The doctor wants me
to focus on goals.

And the first is getting up
the top of our stairs in one go.

Mind, you'll have to build up to it.

Start by walking up the first half

then for the last bit
you can use the stairlift.

Eh, no, no. I'll be keeping hold of
my dignity, thank you very much.

I'll crawl the last bit.

If crawling makes you happy,
you crawl, pet.

That bloody scares
the bejesus out of me.

Well, it'll add real value to
the house in an uncertain market.

Eh?

Sarah! I'm back, pet!

And I'm not writing a secret
book about you.

How did Big Keith
get on with the nursery?

Why don't you go and
take a look for yourself?

Still not sure why we need
to do the nursery first.

You're only four months pregnant.

Isn't that a bit like
painting the stable door

before we've even bought the horse?

Go and take a look
at the bloody nursery

before you pass judgment on it!

Anger levels out of all
proportion to stimuli.

She's like The Hulk
in maternity pants.

Bloody hell! Is this
Elton John's slipper cupboard?

Isn't it magical?

Aye, it'll be a sad day
when we have to paint over that.

How's Thursday suit you?

What's he doing?!

Oh, he's had a big day, bless him.
He's all tuckered out.

Let's just leave him, shall we?

Well, here I am, Stan.

My new home.

You know, I remember
you saying to me,

"Life is like a banquet.

"Even though sometimes we think
we might have bitten off

"more than we can chew."

Another time, you said,
"Life is like a mountain

"and we can't even see the top."

You said, "We all have do what
we can to make ends meet.

"And we should make sure
we enjoy the special moments."

HE SOBS

You said something else
as well but, to be honest,

by that stage, I'd stopped
listening.

But it was something
about living, wasn't it?

How we've got to keep living.

DOOR BELL

Oh, never mind, pet.

Try again tomorrow.

KNOCKING

Yes?

You've got a visitor.

Well, actually, you've got two,

but only the porcelain one
can stay over.

But I thought you said Tigger
couldn't live here?

I hate the idea of someone
feeling unhappy in their own home.

Just thought I'd see how
you were settling in...

..oh, and if you're
sure I can't tempt you

to one of my challenging scones.

Excuse me, Stan. I've got some
living to do.

Right. Fine. I'll join you.

But keep your hands where I can
see them and no funny business.

I don't just give it away.

This is brilliant.

MUSIC: "Price Tag" by Jessie J

? It's not about
the money, money, money

? We don't need your
money, money, money

? We just wanna make the world dance

? Forget about the price tag

? Ain't about the, uh
cha-ching, cha-ching

? Ain't about the, yeah
ba-bling, ba-bling

? Wanna make the world dance

? Forget about the price tag. ?

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