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1
00:00:01,072 --> 00:00:06,372
2
00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:17,609
- All right, Scott?
- All right, Peter.
3
00:00:17,680 --> 00:00:19,603
- All right, mucker?
- All right, big yin?
4
00:00:19,680 --> 00:00:21,205
- All right, big chap?
- All right, boss?
5
00:00:21,280 --> 00:00:23,248
- All right, chief?
- All right, big man?
6
00:00:23,320 --> 00:00:24,731
- All right, wee man?
- All right, big fella?
7
00:00:24,800 --> 00:00:26,768
- All right, wee fella?
- All right, ya rocker?
8
00:00:26,840 --> 00:00:28,763
- All right, ya roaster?
- All right, ya daftie?
9
00:00:28,840 --> 00:00:30,604
- All right, ya maddie?
- All right?
10
00:00:30,680 --> 00:00:32,170
All right?
11
00:00:35,440 --> 00:00:38,603
Northern Scotland and the Isleswill
be sunny at times, with snow later.
12
00:00:38,680 --> 00:00:41,729
Most of England and North Wales
will be dull with...
13
00:00:41,800 --> 00:00:43,290
I think I'll just head.
14
00:00:47,600 --> 00:00:51,491
Hi, I'm Alex Ciderson,
and if you live in Burnistoun,
15
00:00:51,560 --> 00:00:53,324
you'd better get yourself down
16
00:00:53,400 --> 00:00:57,246
to Alex Ciderson's
Alex Ciderson Warehouse.
17
00:00:57,320 --> 00:01:01,370
I've been at the cutting edge of cloning
technology for the past 15 years,
18
00:01:01,440 --> 00:01:06,082
and my Alex Ciderson warehouse has
only the very best Alex Cidersons.
19
00:01:06,160 --> 00:01:10,529
Maybe that's why people say
Alex Ciderson's full of himself.
20
00:01:12,760 --> 00:01:18,529
And that's why I can sell
these Alex Cidersons so cheaply
21
00:01:18,600 --> 00:01:21,365
I'm practically giving myself away!
22
00:01:21,440 --> 00:01:25,525
My Alex Cidersons
are a hit in the dining room.
23
00:01:25,600 --> 00:01:29,571
Do you need to slurp your soup
like that? It's embarrassing.
24
00:01:30,800 --> 00:01:34,122
I'm sorry, pet, I can't hear you
for this pig slurping his soup.
25
00:01:34,200 --> 00:01:36,043
Who are you calling a pig?
26
00:01:36,120 --> 00:01:37,724
Pulling me up in front of people.
27
00:01:37,800 --> 00:01:40,451
- Do you know who I am?
- Do you know who I am?
28
00:01:47,400 --> 00:01:50,165
And my Alex Cidersons
are a hit in the bedroom.
29
00:01:50,240 --> 00:01:52,971
I bought three Alex Cidersons.
30
00:01:53,040 --> 00:01:55,884
That means one minute of foreplay
between them all,
31
00:01:55,960 --> 00:01:58,884
before they take turns
to reassure me that...
32
00:01:58,960 --> 00:02:01,691
I'm sorry.
This has never happened to me before.
33
00:02:02,920 --> 00:02:06,367
I'm sorry.
This has never happened to me before.
34
00:02:06,440 --> 00:02:10,525
I swear to God
this has never happened to me before!
35
00:02:12,640 --> 00:02:16,361
So get down to Alex Ciderson's
Alex Ciderson Warehouse
36
00:02:16,440 --> 00:02:20,047
and tell Alex Ciderson
Alex Ciderson sent you.
37
00:03:23,240 --> 00:03:24,401
Shit!
38
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:29,244
A washer and an adjusting spanner?
39
00:03:29,320 --> 00:03:31,368
Eh...
40
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,568
I don't know.
41
00:03:34,760 --> 00:03:37,366
What is it you want them for?
42
00:03:43,720 --> 00:03:45,848
You got the instructions?
43
00:03:47,240 --> 00:03:50,642
That's the worst set of instructions
I've ever seen in ma puff, son.
44
00:03:50,720 --> 00:03:54,406
What's that meant to be there?
You can never bucking tell
45
00:03:54,480 --> 00:03:57,086
what the buck you're meant to do
in a million bucking years.
46
00:03:57,160 --> 00:04:01,085
Ach, I've went and spilt ma coffee
ower yer bullets, pal.
47
00:04:02,320 --> 00:04:05,005
Any chance you could jump doon
and get us another one?
48
00:04:05,080 --> 00:04:06,764
Aye, a black tea for me, son, eh?
49
00:04:06,840 --> 00:04:09,081
Let's have a look at these pieces now.
50
00:04:13,160 --> 00:04:16,687
- That disnae look right to me.
- Let's test it oot.
51
00:04:16,760 --> 00:04:18,603
- Here, I'll test it.
- No, I'll test it.
52
00:04:18,680 --> 00:04:20,125
- I'll test it!
- I'll test it!
53
00:04:23,560 --> 00:04:25,085
Right, what'll we shoot?
54
00:04:25,160 --> 00:04:29,006
Here, look. There, that big,
arrogant bastard frae the lawyer's.
55
00:04:29,080 --> 00:04:30,605
Gie him a fright.
56
00:04:34,120 --> 00:04:37,761
Up here,
you bucking big idiot, ye!
57
00:04:37,840 --> 00:04:39,888
Ho, ya big dick!
58
00:04:39,960 --> 00:04:41,530
Here, gie's a shot.
59
00:04:44,440 --> 00:04:46,647
Son, where you off tae?
You no' want a shot, no?
60
00:04:48,600 --> 00:04:49,965
All right.
61
00:04:50,040 --> 00:04:55,649
Oh, here, look, look...
Boss in his office, smoking a cigar.
62
00:04:55,720 --> 00:04:58,963
Bet you naebody else in that
whole building is allowed to smoke.
63
00:04:59,040 --> 00:05:00,769
Aye, bucking typical, aye?
64
00:05:00,840 --> 00:05:04,083
I'm gonnae shoot that cigar
right oot his fat lips.
65
00:05:17,880 --> 00:05:19,450
We won't help you, son.
66
00:05:26,960 --> 00:05:29,281
Excellent work again, Number 5.
67
00:05:30,000 --> 00:05:33,447
7 million euros has just been wired
to your bank account
68
00:05:40,440 --> 00:05:42,727
All right? I'm Jolly Boy John.
69
00:05:42,800 --> 00:05:45,610
Jolly Boy John wearing
shoes is for real.
70
00:05:47,720 --> 00:05:50,690
Jolly Boy John wearing his dad's shoes
is for real.
71
00:05:52,120 --> 00:05:54,851
Jolly Boy John wearing his dad's shoes
on his feet
72
00:05:54,920 --> 00:05:57,161
and his ma's shoes
on his hauns is for real.
73
00:05:58,520 --> 00:06:00,921
Jolly Boy John wearing
his ma's shoes on his feet
74
00:06:01,000 --> 00:06:02,843
and all his dad's shoes
doon his pants
75
00:06:02,920 --> 00:06:04,809
and shouting squirrels all the time
is for real.
76
00:06:06,440 --> 00:06:09,205
Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
Squirrels.
77
00:06:09,280 --> 00:06:11,203
Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
78
00:06:11,280 --> 00:06:13,248
Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
79
00:06:13,320 --> 00:06:15,049
Squirrels. Squirrels. Squirrels.
80
00:06:15,120 --> 00:06:17,168
What you're seeing is all for real.
81
00:06:17,240 --> 00:06:20,687
Do you wish you could be
as for real as Jolly Boy John?
82
00:06:20,760 --> 00:06:21,966
Get real!
83
00:06:24,840 --> 00:06:29,801
Now on BBC Burnistoun, award-winning
Scottish drama The Drugs.
84
00:06:39,240 --> 00:06:42,084
- What's that?
- Nothin', Da.
85
00:06:46,320 --> 00:06:50,245
I swear on ma mammy's grave,
if you're turning to drugs...
86
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:58,009
I bought you a birthday card, Da.
87
00:06:59,120 --> 00:07:01,930
It's got a picture
of the Virgin Mary on it.
88
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:04,970
I'm sorry, son.
89
00:07:05,040 --> 00:07:06,690
Since yer mammy died...
90
00:07:06,760 --> 00:07:09,491
I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
91
00:07:10,560 --> 00:07:12,801
Swear to me
you'll never turn to the drugs.
92
00:07:12,880 --> 00:07:15,406
I swear tae ye,
I'll never turn to the drugs.
93
00:07:15,480 --> 00:07:17,084
Swear on the Virgin Mary.
94
00:07:17,160 --> 00:07:18,810
I swear on the Virgin Mary.
95
00:07:18,880 --> 00:07:20,370
Swear on yer mammy's grave.
96
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:22,124
I swear on ma mammy's grave.
97
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,407
Swear on the Virgin Mary's
mammy's grave.
98
00:07:24,480 --> 00:07:26,801
I swear on the Virgin Mary's
mammy's grave,
99
00:07:26,880 --> 00:07:28,644
I'll never turn to the drugs, Da.
100
00:07:29,720 --> 00:07:33,805
Good. Cos see if ye ever dae,
101
00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:38,681
I swear on ma mammy's grave,
I'll kill ye.
102
00:07:44,240 --> 00:07:47,847
Jamie! Jamie!
103
00:07:47,920 --> 00:07:50,969
I've turned to the drugs, Jamie.
104
00:07:52,200 --> 00:07:55,443
- Who did this to ye?
- MacConnor.
105
00:07:55,520 --> 00:07:58,330
I was working for him,
selling the drugs to people
106
00:07:58,400 --> 00:07:59,970
that had turned to the drugs,
107
00:08:00,040 --> 00:08:02,566
and then I turned to the drugs.
108
00:08:02,640 --> 00:08:06,964
If I don't pay him back,
he swore to me on his mammy's grave,
109
00:08:07,040 --> 00:08:08,565
he's gonnae kill me.
110
00:08:12,320 --> 00:08:15,802
I can see the Virgin Mary!
111
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:21,729
Where are the drugs?
112
00:08:21,800 --> 00:08:25,691
I swear on ma mammy's grave
if he's turned to the drugs, I...
113
00:08:29,720 --> 00:08:31,404
No!
114
00:08:33,200 --> 00:08:35,885
He's turned to the drugs!
115
00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:38,604
Oh, Fraser,
116
00:08:38,680 --> 00:08:40,205
Fraser...
117
00:08:41,880 --> 00:08:45,362
why did ye turn tae the drugs? Why?
118
00:08:45,440 --> 00:08:47,488
That's your debt noo.
119
00:08:48,600 --> 00:08:52,002
I'm a gangster, and that's your debt.
120
00:08:52,080 --> 00:08:53,923
And I swear on ma mammy's grave...
121
00:08:54,000 --> 00:08:55,889
Nae son of mine'll be in debt
to a drug dealer.
122
00:08:55,960 --> 00:08:59,123
Ah'm taking that debt on
and I swear on Fraser's grave.
123
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:02,807
Cannae swear on a grave that's no'
been dug yet. He might get cremated.
124
00:09:02,880 --> 00:09:04,848
Then I swear on ma mammy's grave,
125
00:09:04,920 --> 00:09:07,890
if you try and turn ma son
to the drugs, I'll kill ye.
126
00:09:07,960 --> 00:09:10,725
No, I swear on ma mammy's grave
I'll kill you.
127
00:09:10,800 --> 00:09:13,121
I swear on ma mammy's grave
and your mammy's grave!
128
00:09:13,200 --> 00:09:15,965
All the mammies in
all the graves!
129
00:09:16,040 --> 00:09:17,530
Da.
130
00:09:17,600 --> 00:09:22,640
I'm sorry I ever bought you that card
with the Virgin Mary on it.
131
00:09:22,720 --> 00:09:27,328
But don't worry, you'll no' have
to look at ma face for much longer.
132
00:09:27,400 --> 00:09:29,050
MacConnor!
133
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:30,326
No!
134
00:09:33,760 --> 00:09:39,324
Oh, Da... Da!
135
00:09:39,400 --> 00:09:41,926
Ye've got to promise me, son,
136
00:09:42,000 --> 00:09:45,004
you promise me you won't ever...
137
00:09:46,600 --> 00:09:49,206
Promise me you won't ever turn...
138
00:09:49,280 --> 00:09:52,921
Promise me you won't ever turn to the...
139
00:09:59,160 --> 00:10:00,969
What was he gonnae say?
140
00:10:02,040 --> 00:10:06,409
I'll never know. I'll never know!
141
00:10:34,520 --> 00:10:37,205
I'm Burnistoun's favourite son,
142
00:10:37,280 --> 00:10:42,650
Biscuity Boyle, and I'm here
to tell you aboot my latest venture.
143
00:10:42,720 --> 00:10:44,563
Sex Ed For Adults.
144
00:10:49,160 --> 00:10:50,605
Get away from me, hen!
145
00:10:50,680 --> 00:10:52,045
Oh, no...
146
00:10:52,120 --> 00:10:54,885
I can get masel' up.
147
00:10:54,960 --> 00:10:57,281
It's my centre of gravity, hen,
148
00:10:57,360 --> 00:10:59,522
cos I used to be an athlete,
149
00:10:59,600 --> 00:11:01,409
not that you'd know that noo,
the state of me.
150
00:11:03,400 --> 00:11:05,164
Oh, Mammy, Daddy,
151
00:11:05,240 --> 00:11:07,720
I think I've went and urilated masel'
a wee bit there an' all.
152
00:11:09,040 --> 00:11:12,408
Here's some of ma testiconials.
153
00:11:12,480 --> 00:11:15,370
I've never done
any of Biscuity's classes, naw.
154
00:11:15,440 --> 00:11:18,603
It's nice
that he keeps himself busy, but...
155
00:11:18,680 --> 00:11:22,605
he's a very lonely old fella.
I feel sorry for him in a way.
156
00:11:22,680 --> 00:11:25,047
He's, erm, quite obese.
157
00:11:26,640 --> 00:11:30,725
Sex education
should nae end at school.
158
00:11:30,800 --> 00:11:35,806
Even grown-ups need to be taught
to learn how to teach themselves
159
00:11:35,880 --> 00:11:40,249
to keep learning how to treat
their lovers with res...
160
00:11:40,320 --> 00:11:41,560
Oop, I'm goin' here.
161
00:11:41,640 --> 00:11:43,802
Ah! Ah!
162
00:11:43,880 --> 00:11:45,803
Oh, I've hurt masel'.
163
00:11:45,880 --> 00:11:51,011
Oh, no, I don't need lifted, hen,
for God's sake.
164
00:11:51,080 --> 00:11:54,129
I was a young man once,
165
00:11:54,200 --> 00:11:57,841
I was nae always like this.
I'm a joke is what I am.
166
00:12:02,240 --> 00:12:06,131
Och, I've gone and let one aff
noo an' all.
167
00:12:06,200 --> 00:12:09,249
Big fat Biscuity Boyle let one aff
168
00:12:09,320 --> 00:12:11,322
and he's urilating
all over his ain advert.
169
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:13,243
Turn that camera aff, well.
170
00:12:13,320 --> 00:12:16,961
Your romantic day of love
will be enhanced
171
00:12:17,040 --> 00:12:20,567
by the wisdom of Burnistoun's
favourite son. How was that?
172
00:12:20,640 --> 00:12:22,881
I used to be a bastarding athlete.
173
00:12:22,960 --> 00:12:26,965
Cannae even get ma joke
of a body up some stairs. Oh, no!
174
00:12:27,040 --> 00:12:29,884
Oh, no, no, leave me, hen.
Don't humilimate me.
175
00:12:29,960 --> 00:12:31,086
I can pull up ma ain troosers.
176
00:12:31,160 --> 00:12:33,686
Oh, in the name...
177
00:12:33,760 --> 00:12:36,127
Oh, there we are, right on cue.
178
00:12:36,200 --> 00:12:38,806
I'm sorry, hen, I never meant... Oh!
179
00:12:40,320 --> 00:12:42,891
Oh, no.
180
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:45,964
Mammy, Daddy, what am I like?
181
00:12:46,040 --> 00:12:48,122
Just leave me.
182
00:12:48,200 --> 00:12:51,363
Just leave me tae die -
stupid old waster.
183
00:12:52,360 --> 00:12:55,125
Get some of that
euthamasia for me, well.
184
00:12:55,200 --> 00:12:57,328
Sex Ed For Adults.
185
00:12:57,400 --> 00:13:00,324
Only from Biscuity Boyle...
186
00:13:00,400 --> 00:13:02,050
Oh, perfect.
187
00:13:02,120 --> 00:13:05,044
Burnistoun's favourite son.
How was that?
188
00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:07,561
Yeah, yeah, that's great.
189
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:13,527
Yeah, I'm really looking forward
to helping people...
190
00:13:13,600 --> 00:13:15,602
Yeah.
191
00:13:15,680 --> 00:13:17,125
Right, bye-bye.
192
00:13:19,600 --> 00:13:21,728
That's me daein' ma volunteer bit
for the helpline.
193
00:13:21,800 --> 00:13:23,131
What helpline?
194
00:13:23,200 --> 00:13:25,851
A kind of support type of thing.
195
00:13:25,920 --> 00:13:28,400
People needing people to talk tae,
they phone up
196
00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,050
and they get put through to me.
197
00:13:30,120 --> 00:13:32,248
So I'm gonna need the phone to be clear,
right?
198
00:13:32,320 --> 00:13:35,130
Aye, well, I need the phone as well.
I've got a phone line job tae.
199
00:13:35,200 --> 00:13:37,521
- What phone line job?
- Sex line.
200
00:13:37,600 --> 00:13:41,241
Guys wanting to talk to hunky studs
get put through tae me.
201
00:13:41,320 --> 00:13:43,687
Guys looking for hunky studs?!
202
00:13:45,040 --> 00:13:48,442
Look, I need the phone kept free
fae hauf seven tae midnight.
203
00:13:48,520 --> 00:13:49,487
Well, so dae I.
204
00:13:52,320 --> 00:13:53,526
Put it on speakerphone.
205
00:13:57,840 --> 00:13:58,841
Hello?
206
00:13:58,920 --> 00:14:02,049
Hi, there.
I'm needing someone to talk to.
207
00:14:03,640 --> 00:14:05,961
Somebody special.
208
00:14:06,040 --> 00:14:07,326
Special how?
209
00:14:07,400 --> 00:14:08,845
Somebody who likes to listen.
210
00:14:08,920 --> 00:14:11,810
It's yours.
211
00:14:11,880 --> 00:14:14,531
And likes other things as well.
212
00:14:15,680 --> 00:14:17,648
What kind of things?
213
00:14:17,720 --> 00:14:20,087
My boyfriend's no there, so...
214
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:22,640
He left me for somebody else.
215
00:14:22,720 --> 00:14:25,610
I'm really lonely
216
00:14:25,680 --> 00:14:27,170
Lonely in what way?
217
00:14:27,240 --> 00:14:31,325
Lonely, sad lonely,
or lonely, horny lonely?
218
00:14:31,400 --> 00:14:33,050
Sorry? What did you say there?
219
00:14:33,120 --> 00:14:35,407
He's offended. He's mine.
220
00:14:35,480 --> 00:14:37,482
On the one hand it's great
221
00:14:37,560 --> 00:14:41,167
cos he had no interestin sex
any more whatsoever.
222
00:14:41,240 --> 00:14:44,722
- Well, sex is all I'm interested in, pal.
- On the other hand,
223
00:14:44,800 --> 00:14:49,169
he was everything to me,
and I feel like killing myself.
224
00:14:49,240 --> 00:14:52,767
Oh, no, that's...let's no' think
like that. That's never the answer.
225
00:14:52,840 --> 00:14:55,411
It's strange,
I feel so depressed and down.
226
00:14:55,480 --> 00:14:57,369
It takes time.
227
00:14:57,440 --> 00:15:00,683
And yet I've never felt so horny.
228
00:15:00,760 --> 00:15:02,888
Well, we can help you with that, mate.
229
00:15:02,960 --> 00:15:06,965
Why don't you start
by taking off your clothes?
230
00:15:07,040 --> 00:15:10,408
Oh, God, I miss him.
231
00:15:10,480 --> 00:15:13,848
I really.. Did you just ask me
to take my clothes off?
232
00:15:15,520 --> 00:15:20,765
The black, grieving clothes
of your mind, take them off.
233
00:15:20,840 --> 00:15:22,922
I feel like nobody wants me.
234
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:24,729
Oh, I'm sure that's no' true.
235
00:15:24,800 --> 00:15:27,849
Having a one-nightstand,
just to prove I'm still desirable.
236
00:15:27,920 --> 00:15:30,207
Oh, make up your mind, mate, eh?
237
00:15:30,280 --> 00:15:35,320
Do you want to have help with your
problems or do you want phone sex?
238
00:15:35,400 --> 00:15:37,050
Are you saying you offer both?
239
00:15:37,120 --> 00:15:38,804
One or the other, mate.
240
00:15:38,880 --> 00:15:41,008
Who did you phone?
241
00:15:41,080 --> 00:15:42,650
I phoned for help.
242
00:15:42,720 --> 00:15:45,291
Right, that's it decided.
Suicidal it is.
243
00:15:45,360 --> 00:15:50,764
OK. But now that you mention it,
a bit of sex talk
244
00:15:50,840 --> 00:15:52,205
might cheer me right up.
245
00:15:55,800 --> 00:15:59,725
A number one single
and a number one album.
246
00:15:59,800 --> 00:16:03,725
Quite an achievement
for a boy from Burnistoun.
247
00:16:03,800 --> 00:16:06,371
Oh, no.
248
00:16:06,440 --> 00:16:09,011
Listen, I don't want
to talk about Burnistoun.
249
00:16:09,080 --> 00:16:10,570
Burnistoun's a shithole.
250
00:16:13,400 --> 00:16:16,051
OK, we've called
this emergency council meeting
251
00:16:16,120 --> 00:16:18,361
to attend to the very public comments
252
00:16:18,440 --> 00:16:24,163
made by the pop star The MC Hottie
Boxtrot made about our fine city.
253
00:16:24,240 --> 00:16:29,280
The quote being, and I quote,
"Burnistoun is a shithole."
254
00:16:29,360 --> 00:16:33,410
Now, how are we going to respond
to this slur?
255
00:16:33,480 --> 00:16:36,290
Well, he's right.
256
00:16:36,360 --> 00:16:37,646
It is a shithole.
257
00:16:40,320 --> 00:16:44,291
OK, we've called this emergency
council meeting to attend to comments
258
00:16:44,360 --> 00:16:47,011
made by Burnistoun councillor
Toddy Port-Seaton,
259
00:16:47,080 --> 00:16:48,923
made at an emergency council meeting
260
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:51,890
called to attend
to the very public comments
261
00:16:51,960 --> 00:16:54,725
made by the pop star
The MC Hottie Boxtrot,
262
00:16:54,800 --> 00:16:59,408
who said, and I quote,
"Burnistoun is a shithole."
263
00:16:59,480 --> 00:17:02,962
To which
Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton commented,
264
00:17:03,040 --> 00:17:07,011
and I quote, "Well, he's right.
It is a shithole."
265
00:17:07,080 --> 00:17:09,731
Well, it is.
266
00:17:09,800 --> 00:17:11,689
It's a bloody shithole.
267
00:17:13,600 --> 00:17:17,605
A statement to which Councillor
Toddy Port-Seaton initially replied,
268
00:17:17,680 --> 00:17:19,921
"Well, he's right.
It is a shithole,"
269
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:21,411
a comment, which when read out
270
00:17:21,480 --> 00:17:23,881
at an emergency council meeting
of a fortnight ago,
271
00:17:23,960 --> 00:17:27,726
was met with a comment from
Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton himself,
272
00:17:27,800 --> 00:17:33,648
the quote being, and I quote,
"Well, it is. It's a bloody shithole."
273
00:17:33,720 --> 00:17:36,690
Well, it is! It is!
274
00:17:39,920 --> 00:17:43,447
To which Councillor Toddy Port-Seaton
screamed, and I quote,
275
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:46,251
"Well, it is. It is."
276
00:17:49,560 --> 00:17:50,925
Well, it is!
277
00:17:54,920 --> 00:17:59,084
My apologies for the sudden nature
of this emergency council meeting.
278
00:17:59,160 --> 00:18:00,605
Shithole!
279
00:18:03,480 --> 00:18:05,960
My apologies for the short notice...
280
00:18:06,040 --> 00:18:08,008
Shithole.
281
00:18:12,360 --> 00:18:13,407
My...
282
00:18:13,480 --> 00:18:14,641
Shithole.
283
00:18:55,240 --> 00:18:56,287
Toddy!
284
00:19:00,680 --> 00:19:03,650
My apologies for the delay
in the commencement...
285
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:11,286
Aaarrrgghhh!
286
00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,168
I can nae believe I forgot my
phone.
287
00:19:19,240 --> 00:19:21,607
I've not got a clue
what time it is.
288
00:19:21,680 --> 00:19:25,207
I'm going to be late for the wean.
I could ask they lassies the time.
289
00:19:26,360 --> 00:19:27,725
No, cannae dae that
290
00:19:27,800 --> 00:19:31,850
Grown man talking to schoolgirls
on the bus. It'll look well suss.
291
00:19:31,920 --> 00:19:35,606
Aw, brilliant
Noo she thinks I was looking at her.
292
00:19:35,680 --> 00:19:37,091
"Did you see
that mad paedo on the bus?"
293
00:19:37,160 --> 00:19:40,084
Idiot! Listen to yourself,
this is you buying into
294
00:19:40,160 --> 00:19:42,447
all the suspicion and paranoia
about men in society
295
00:19:42,520 --> 00:19:43,885
Don't let them dae it to you.
296
00:19:43,960 --> 00:19:46,281
You're just a guy
that needs to know the time.
297
00:19:48,160 --> 00:19:51,642
Argh, that's your card marked
as a pervert noo.
298
00:19:51,720 --> 00:19:54,041
Both of them think you
were looking at..
299
00:19:54,120 --> 00:19:57,647
No. No, they don't, they don't
Look, you've got a wean.
300
00:19:57,720 --> 00:20:00,724
Show them a picture of the wean, then
ask them the time. You're all right
301
00:20:00,800 --> 00:20:04,327
if you've got a wean.
What ye daein', ya nut job?
302
00:20:04,400 --> 00:20:07,802
"Do you want to see ma wean?
Do you want to see some puppies, girls?"
303
00:20:07,880 --> 00:20:10,611
A grown man does not approach
an unknown schoolgirl
304
00:20:10,680 --> 00:20:12,170
for any reason, and that's it.
305
00:20:12,240 --> 00:20:13,924
Even if it's just
tae ask the time.
306
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:17,766
But this is mental.
You're going to be late for the wean.
307
00:20:17,840 --> 00:20:19,171
- Find oot the time.
- Excuse me.
308
00:20:19,240 --> 00:20:22,449
Jacky King, BBC Burnistoun,
309
00:20:22,520 --> 00:20:26,002
Snare The Beast
What were you just about to do?
310
00:20:26,080 --> 00:20:27,650
I was just gonnae ask the time.
311
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:29,563
You were just going to ask the time?
312
00:20:29,640 --> 00:20:33,008
You, a stranger,
were going to approach two schoolgirls?
313
00:20:33,080 --> 00:20:34,684
I've got a wean.
314
00:20:34,760 --> 00:20:36,364
"I've got a wean."
315
00:20:36,440 --> 00:20:39,842
Textbook answer of the beast.
316
00:20:39,920 --> 00:20:42,764
I think society's had its fill
of this monster.
317
00:20:42,840 --> 00:20:46,561
Beast Wrangler, snare the beast.
318
00:20:48,520 --> 00:20:53,924
- Men. We're all beasts.
- Watch us get snared, one by one.
319
00:20:54,000 --> 00:20:56,810
Only on BBC Burnistoun.
320
00:20:58,440 --> 00:21:02,923
Hiya. My name's Kelly McGlade.
321
00:21:03,000 --> 00:21:05,924
I'm glad I'm daein'
this wee documentary thing, actually,
322
00:21:06,000 --> 00:21:09,482
you know, just in case when my DVD
comes out I need any extras and that.
323
00:21:09,560 --> 00:21:12,962
You should always gie extras,
that's what my ma always said.
324
00:21:13,040 --> 00:21:14,963
But then my ma worked in a sauna.
325
00:21:15,040 --> 00:21:18,249
Anyway, today me and my band,
Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds,
326
00:21:18,320 --> 00:21:20,561
are away to get a photoshoot done.
327
00:21:20,640 --> 00:21:24,167
That's if they two wee ugly bastards
I sing wi' don't crack the lenses.
328
00:21:33,120 --> 00:21:36,329
OK, girls, if you can all
get really close in together.
329
00:21:36,400 --> 00:21:40,166
Carly's stinking, but.
She's actually stinking.
330
00:21:40,240 --> 00:21:41,924
Sorry, I could nae shower.
331
00:21:42,000 --> 00:21:45,561
Ma water's been cut aff,
cos know how ma da's in the jail
332
00:21:45,640 --> 00:21:47,404
for driving his motor
into that old folks' home,
333
00:21:47,480 --> 00:21:49,289
and know how ma ma's went to Malia
334
00:21:49,360 --> 00:21:52,967
wi' that Polish guy frae know how
that Interpol wanted list thing,
335
00:21:53,040 --> 00:21:56,283
and any money I had I had to spend
on paying aff the reporters
336
00:21:56,360 --> 00:21:57,691
frae know how
that wee crime magazine,
337
00:21:57,760 --> 00:21:59,524
The Grasser,
for to stop them making a story
338
00:21:59,600 --> 00:22:01,807
aboot ma brother
and his bare-knuckle-fight gang.
339
00:22:02,880 --> 00:22:04,564
Know how when tae shut up?
340
00:22:04,640 --> 00:22:06,688
Sorry.
341
00:22:06,760 --> 00:22:08,967
This is Kelly And The Sloppy Seconds,
342
00:22:09,040 --> 00:22:10,690
no' Carly and her mental family
full of rockets,
343
00:22:10,760 --> 00:22:14,162
and her wee stupid pal Emma,
and, oh, by the way,
344
00:22:14,240 --> 00:22:17,483
beautiful Kelly McGlade
staunin' up the back,
345
00:22:17,560 --> 00:22:20,803
waiting fer her band mates
tae stop talking shite.
346
00:22:20,880 --> 00:22:22,644
Sorry!
347
00:22:23,960 --> 00:22:27,328
Away you go and spray some o' this
on ye and up ye.
348
00:22:27,400 --> 00:22:29,846
Emphasis on up ye.
349
00:22:29,920 --> 00:22:33,322
So, Kelly, d'you think
I could do a few solo shots
350
00:22:33,400 --> 00:22:36,847
o' yerself while your band mates
go and powder their noses?
351
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,083
You heard him, Emma,
away ye go and powder your nose.
352
00:22:41,800 --> 00:22:43,723
No' the way your brother does it.
353
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:45,211
Murder, so they are.
354
00:22:45,280 --> 00:22:48,204
Couple o' lucky wee tramps.
Right, what do you want from me?
355
00:22:48,280 --> 00:22:51,887
Well, I can see you're a very
determined young woman, Kelly.
356
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:54,122
You're a go-getter,
357
00:22:54,200 --> 00:22:56,521
and that means we're
very similar people,
358
00:22:56,600 --> 00:22:59,001
because when I see a lassie I want,
359
00:22:59,080 --> 00:23:00,923
I go get her.
360
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:04,446
That's hilarious.
I hope you develop yer photies
361
00:23:04,520 --> 00:23:06,887
better than you develop
yer humorous concepts.
362
00:23:06,960 --> 00:23:09,361
Oh, I'd like to develop something
inside o' you.
363
00:23:09,440 --> 00:23:11,920
Mate, the only chance you would've had
364
00:23:12,000 --> 00:23:13,240
is if I'd met you in your darkroom
365
00:23:13,320 --> 00:23:16,290
and I did nae know
what an ugly bastard you were.
366
00:23:16,360 --> 00:23:19,091
I thought a fisheye
was a lens until I saw your face.
367
00:23:19,160 --> 00:23:23,006
You won't get anywhere in this game
wi' that kind o' attitude, darlin'.
368
00:23:23,080 --> 00:23:24,684
Excuse me?
369
00:23:24,760 --> 00:23:27,331
Attitude?! I'm a Burnistoun lassie.
370
00:23:27,400 --> 00:23:29,368
We were born wi' attitude.
371
00:23:29,440 --> 00:23:32,410
Ma first words were
a slaggin' aff for ma health visitor.
372
00:23:32,480 --> 00:23:35,529
Ma first steps were a run-up
to kickin' ma da in the baws.
373
00:23:35,600 --> 00:23:38,490
So don't you tell me
I'm no' going to get anywhere.
374
00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:41,086
Suit yourself, ya wee hairy.
375
00:23:41,160 --> 00:23:44,767
Noo, do you think
you can gie me fierce?
376
00:23:52,440 --> 00:23:54,442
Is that fierce enough fer ye?
377
00:24:03,360 --> 00:24:06,887
I've been looking over this book
of humorous quotations
378
00:24:06,960 --> 00:24:10,282
- you've been putting together for us.
- Some cracking lines in there, eh?
379
00:24:10,360 --> 00:24:14,445
Hmm. I had asked you to unearth
some new lines,
380
00:24:14,520 --> 00:24:16,602
you know,
so it wasn't all the same old lines
381
00:24:16,680 --> 00:24:19,001
- as in all the other books.
- Oh, I did. Found some belters.
382
00:24:19,080 --> 00:24:22,084
D'you think?
Some of them seem a little bit, um,
383
00:24:22,160 --> 00:24:27,769
I don't know...
In the section on the arts, on opera,
384
00:24:27,840 --> 00:24:30,764
we have No�l Coward's,
"People are wrong
385
00:24:30,840 --> 00:24:33,081
"when they say
that opera is not what it used to be.
386
00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:36,004
"It is what it used to be,
that is what is wrong with it."
387
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,844
I like that one.
388
00:24:37,920 --> 00:24:40,207
Yeah, things like that are good, yeah.
389
00:24:40,280 --> 00:24:43,887
And then here we have
a quote by Anon.
390
00:24:43,960 --> 00:24:47,169
Ah, see. Anon's no' a person's name.
391
00:24:47,240 --> 00:24:50,767
It's no' like Cher.
It's actually short for anonymous.
392
00:24:50,840 --> 00:24:52,490
Yeah, I know what Anon means.
393
00:24:52,560 --> 00:24:58,169
Now, this particular Anon has this
to say on the subject of opera.
394
00:24:59,760 --> 00:25:04,129
"Opera is like something
you would put into a bin.
395
00:25:04,200 --> 00:25:05,406
"Rubbish."
396
00:25:11,560 --> 00:25:13,403
Oh, I like it. I like it.
397
00:25:15,280 --> 00:25:19,808
D'ye get it?
Because you put rubbish intae a bin.
398
00:25:19,880 --> 00:25:23,327
Yeah, there's not exactly
a lot of wit in it, is there?
399
00:25:23,400 --> 00:25:25,880
Aye. That's what a lot of guys think.
400
00:25:25,960 --> 00:25:29,362
That's what a lot of guys
would hit out with. "Opera is rubbish."
401
00:25:29,440 --> 00:25:32,364
Well, when we do the book
of what a lot of guys
402
00:25:32,440 --> 00:25:34,568
would hit out with,
then I'll bear it in mind,
403
00:25:34,640 --> 00:25:36,085
but we're looking for quotations here
404
00:25:36,160 --> 00:25:38,401
that are better than your
average person would come up with.
405
00:25:38,480 --> 00:25:41,131
Sometimes you just need to be
right to the point, though.
406
00:25:42,360 --> 00:25:44,840
The section on Oscar Wilde.
407
00:25:44,920 --> 00:25:47,605
All good stuff, as you'd imagine.
408
00:25:47,680 --> 00:25:51,890
And then up pops Anon
with this response to Wilde's writing.
409
00:25:51,960 --> 00:25:54,327
- Oh, this is good.
- "Dorian Gray...
410
00:25:56,360 --> 00:25:58,328
"...Borian Gray, more like."
411
00:26:04,200 --> 00:26:05,406
That's classic.
412
00:26:05,480 --> 00:26:06,720
I mean, you ask a guy
413
00:26:06,800 --> 00:26:09,280
to read Dorian Gray,
that's what he'd blast out with.
414
00:26:09,360 --> 00:26:14,048
I don't... I don't care
what a guy would blast out with.
415
00:26:14,120 --> 00:26:17,681
Here we have Anon
on the subject of The News.
416
00:26:17,760 --> 00:26:19,524
"The News...
417
00:26:19,600 --> 00:26:21,841
"the snooze, more like."
418
00:26:21,920 --> 00:26:25,242
Anon on the subject of children.
419
00:26:25,320 --> 00:26:27,288
"Children are like wasps.
420
00:26:27,360 --> 00:26:29,283
"Annoying wee bastards."
421
00:26:30,720 --> 00:26:32,324
Oh, belters.
422
00:26:32,400 --> 00:26:35,847
But do you think these belong
alongside Wilde and Mark Twain?
423
00:26:35,920 --> 00:26:38,400
I mean, perhaps you could point me
in the direction
424
00:26:38,480 --> 00:26:40,881
of the humour
in this particular Anon classic.
425
00:26:40,960 --> 00:26:44,123
I mean, this is a real standout for me.
426
00:26:46,000 --> 00:26:47,126
"Jazz...
427
00:26:48,640 --> 00:26:49,721
"...pure shite."
428
00:26:55,800 --> 00:26:59,088
Oh, oh, I mean... Oh, that is wit.
429
00:26:59,160 --> 00:27:00,810
I mean, that is...
430
00:27:00,880 --> 00:27:03,929
Exactly what you'd hear a guy
hit out with.
431
00:27:04,000 --> 00:27:06,367
Yeah, you know what it seems like to me?
It seems like
432
00:27:06,440 --> 00:27:10,570
we have asked you to compile a book
of the wittiest things ever said,
433
00:27:10,640 --> 00:27:14,884
and all you've done is filled it with your
own honking patter. Would that be right,
434
00:27:14,960 --> 00:27:15,927
Anon?
435
00:27:18,600 --> 00:27:20,170
Are you not happy with the book?
436
00:27:21,080 --> 00:27:23,970
I'll answer that
by pointing you in the direction
437
00:27:24,040 --> 00:27:27,726
of the sole Sir Alan Sugar quote
in this thing you've compiled.
438
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:30,280
- What's that?
- "You're fired."
439
00:27:35,440 --> 00:27:37,204
Book of quotations?
440
00:27:37,280 --> 00:27:43,049
Aye, book o' pish, mair like.
Yaaaas!
441
00:27:50,680 --> 00:27:53,206
So, you think you can survive
a week without me?
442
00:27:53,280 --> 00:27:55,647
Just aboot.
443
00:27:55,720 --> 00:27:58,121
Try not to play with yourself
too much, please.
444
00:27:59,280 --> 00:28:01,760
- Right, bye.
- Bye.
445
00:28:17,400 --> 00:28:19,368
I forgot my...
446
00:28:19,393 --> 00:28:24,693
447
00:28:24,743 --> 00:28:29,293
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