All language subtitles for A.Hole.in.the.Head.1959.720p.BluRay.x264-SADPANDA-HI

Today I may not have

A thing at all

Except for just a dream or two

But I've got lots of plans for tomorrow

And all my tomorrows

Belong to you

Right now it may not seem

Like spring at all

We're drifting

And the laughs are few

But I've got rainbows planned for tomorrow

And all my tomorrows

Belong to you

No one knows better than I

That luck keeps passing me by

That's fate

But with you there at my side

I'll soon be turning the tide

Just wait

As long as I've got arms that cling at all

It's you that I'll be clinging to

And all the dreams I dream, beg or borrow

On some bright tomorrow

They'll all come true

And all my bright tomorrows

Belong to you

Once upon a time, there were... hm...
three handsome hitchhikers.

Jerry Marks on the right,
Mendy Yales on the left,

and that's me in the middle, Tony Manetta.

We came down from the Bronx
to make our fortune here in Florida.

First thing in Miami, we finagled
a cab and we're in business.

That's me in the middle.

Today, 20 years later, Jerry Marks is one
of the biggest promoters in the country.

Last year, Mr Fabulous,
as the papers call him,

he paid over $5 million in taxes.

Mendy? Well, Mendy's still pushing a cab.

As for me, I'm still in the middle.

I'm in the hotel business in Miami Beach,
working on my first million.

That's my hotel right there,
The Garden Of Eden.

But like good old Adam,
my weakness is Eves.

(SWING BAND PLAYS)

My current Eve is a Lulu. She would've
made the serpent eat the apple.

WOMAN: Yahoo!

Miami Beach!

If anyone thinks
I'm a well-heeled big shot out on a spree,

they've got a hole in their head.
Truth is, I'm busted.

He would like to own it, but I wouldn't give
you a quarter for the whole stinkin' beach.

- All right, tiger, down. The cops.
- (GIGGLES)

- You wanna fight, huh?
- Come on, now.

(HORN BLARES)

Oh, I forgot. I've got a son.
How about that?

(CAR HORN)

TONY: Knock it off.
You wanna get us pinched?

- You're just chicken, landlord. Whee...
- What a kook. Out, kook, out.

I feel like swimming.
Let's go swimming, huh, landlord?

Out, out. You're going to bed.

Go to bed, Ally.

- I'm a nose cone. And I want music.
- You're a kook nose cone.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

- You'll wake up the kid. Get your key.
- Lookee, let's play fireman.

- Whoops, I'm decelerating.
- Andy, get her key right away.

I love you, landlord.

You love me?

- Any law against loving a landlord?
- There's a law against killing a landlord.

- Lookee, there goes Mars.
- Hurry up. Open her door wide.

The ride's getting bumpy.
Aren't we going to land?

Any minute now.

- No, no!
- Oh, keep quiet.

No, no!

- (MUSIC PLAYS)
- Oh... Oh, no.

- Turn this radio off.
- I don't love you.

Who are you that I should love you?

I'm going swimming. Bye.

(HUMS)

Yahoo!

What a kooky broad.

(SIGHS)

Pop...

- Pop.
- What's the matter? What happened?

We are being evicted.

- What, are you kidding?
- I was trying to reach you all afternoon.

How do you like that?
A guy misses one lousy payment...

- Five payments.
- Oh, OK, five payments.

And Abe Diamond throws us
out on the street.

He must think I'm a jerk from Jerkville.

- Mr Diamond's right, you know.
- Right? What do you mean, right?

If we can't meet our payments...

He's a big lawyer now.
Pshew, corporation lawyer.

What do we care what it says in the lease?

Who needs this crummy, beat-up hotel,
anyways? Fleabag.

You know these architect drawings?

I didn't tell you about my brainchild.
It'll make me bigger than Jerry.

See this South Beach area?
We could buy it for a song.

About three, four million dollars.
Maybe five million.

We take the buildings down
and we build a Disneyland.

Pretty big blockbuster idea, huh?

I got three or four guys
who want to put in...

Abe Diamond. Now he picks to throw me out.

If the word gets around,
my credit will be worth about two cents.

Don't worry about it.
I'll figure something out.

Hey!

- Sleepy? I'll run you a little gin.
- It's four o'clock in the morning.

So it's four o'clock. What, are you sleepy?
Come on, we'll play cards.

In 1931, when Mickey Walker gave up the
middleweight crown, who fought for it?

- What are we gonna do?
- Answer the question.

- Ben Jeby and Gorilla Jones.
- Right for $1 million.

- What are we gonna do, Pop?
- Stop worrying about it.

- Maybe if we sell the car.
- I'm gonna have to flatten you.

If you're gonna play cards, play.

Tomorrow I'll go see Mr Diamond
and ask him to tear up the eviction notice.

- What if he don't?
- Then I'll go to a bank.

You think Marty Elkins
is gonna turn me down?

- He'd give me the money in two minutes.
- I thought you went to him last month.

Don't go getting smart with me, Ally.

And if worst comes to worst,
I'll call up your Uncle Mario.

- Uncle Mario?
- Now that's very nice.

- Nice respect to show for your relatives.
- Gee whiz, Pop.

Don't you remember after Mama died
how they started all that stuff

about you can't take care of me, and all?

- So?
- I wanna stay here with you.

Look, in the first place, I'm not going to
call up Uncle Mario unless it's desperate.

In the second place, I'm not gonna
let anybody take you away from me.

What am I gonna do?
Sell you for a few dollars for money?

- Play cards and answer the question.
- James J Corbett.

I didn't ask the question yet.

- Five points.
- What five points?

Go to bed. A kid playing gin
at four in the morning.

Next thing you know,
you'll be smoking and drinking.

OK, once more.
Who's the greatest champ of all times?

- For $1 million?
- For $1 million.

That's easy... you are.

I ought to punch you in your funny nose.
Except it looks like your mother's.

You know how you look like her?
Look how look like her.

Little Millie. She was so good.

Pop, please don't let me
go live with Uncle Mario.

- What are you talking?
- I know if you call him for money...

I never saw such a worrypuss. Come here.

You know what I'm gonna do for you
when I'm on Easy Street?

I used to dream about it
when I was in the Bronx.

I'm gonna buy you the biggest house
you ever saw. Big as a castle.

We're gonna have flowers and dogs,

and beautiful horses
with their tails way up in the air.

And maybe a big white yacht. Hm?

I used to watch those boats
go up and down the Hudson.

I used to say to myself "Yes, sirree, boy,

one of these days,
all of that is for my little Ally."

Me too, you.

"Me too, you?" What kind of talk is that?

When I grow up and be a famous scientist,
I'm gonna buy things for you.

- Hotels.
- Shut up.

I'll do all the buying in this family.

That gives me a good idea.

Cos right next to that big house,
I'll build a very big scientific building.

Every afternoon, I can watch
the professors shoot rockets to the moon.

Hm?

Nah.

First, we've got to get you a bank,
something solid, you know?

Real solid. We'll have your name
in gold letters that high.

President Ally, banker.

Boy, we sure could use
that bank right now.

Oh, go to bed. Go on, beat it.
It's four o'clock in the morning.

- Good night, Pop.
- Knock off.

(THINKS) Don't let him call Uncle Mario.
I don't wanna live with Uncle Mario.

Please, God, I want to stay here with Pop.

How do you like that?
He's gonna take care of me.

And he could too, the way I'm going.
Some father.

Put in a good word for me, Millie.
Cos if I lose this hotel right now, I'm dead.

(MUSIC)

Cha-cha-cha to the right
The night is young

Cha-cha-cha to the left
Oh, don't be chicken

Play me something
The cha-cha-cha

We'll cha-cha
You'll cha-cha

The night is young
Oh, don't be chicken

Knock off, will you?

And the landlord is a goof

Abe, you're my friend.
You can't throw me out now.

I got a deal here that's stupendous.

If you want a piece, you can have a piece.
This is a $10 million deal.

Millions schmillions.
Don't make me out a mean man.

I told you I'd meet you for a coffee.
We couldn't meet at Dubrow's Cafeteria.

No, it has to be here.
The coffee is a dollar and a quarter.

Money to you is... I don't know what.

Are you scared? This kid from the Bronx
is gonna wind up owning half this town.

Look me in the face.
You know that, don't you?

In the face?
I hope you wind up owning the state.

Then get off my back
and don't give me pressure.

Tony.

You wanna play marbles, play marbles.

You wanna do business, don't play marbles.

You've got 48 hours
and that's the end of it.

Dollar and a quarter, a cup of coffee.
They could throw in a schnickel.

All right, let go, Ally. Let go.

- Then how about half the towels?
- I said no money, no towels.

ALLY: No.

You can leave about ten towels.
The guests are all leaving.

No money, no towels.
And no cheques... not after the last one.

- You can't take that.
- Get out of here.

Get my brother Mario
person-to-person in New York.

Yes, sir.

Pop. Pop.

Pop.

- Hi. How'd you make out with Diamond?
- Outside. I'm expecting a call.

The laundry man wouldn't leave the towels.

All right. I'm trying to think.
Give those towels to Sally.

- What towels?
- The ones in the bedroom.

- Hey, Fred.
- (BONGOS)

Pop. Pop.

These are Fontainebleau towels.

Aren't they good enough for you?
What about that call to my brother?

- Uncle Mario?
- Out. Outside.

- Oh, please, Pop, don't call him.
- Outside.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Pa, the phone's ringing.

Hey, Pa, the phone.

- Answer it.
- It's not for me.

Go, Mario.
Don't give yourself a heart attack.

Excuse me a minute, please.

Would it break your arm
to pick up the phone?

- It's for you.
- What are you, a mind-reader?

- Mario.
- Everything he knows, our brilliant son.

- No-one would call me here.
- Nobody should call you anywhere.

- Hello?
- Hello, Mario. How are you? This is Tony.

- Tony. Sophie, it's Tony.
- He must be broke again. Ha-ha.

Shut up, you, with your ha-has.

- How do you feel? How's Sophie?
- Terrible. What do you want?

That's too bad. What's the matter
with her? What has she got, a virus?

What do you mean? She don't feel good.

That's good.
Listen, I'll tell you why I called.

Why, I know. How much?

How much? That's rich. I guess
you know me pretty good, don't you?

- Can you hear me pretty good?
- The whole trouble is I hear you too good.

- SOPHIE: Mario.
- How much do you want?

Hello?

- Ten to one he doesn't get it.
- You shouldn't listen in.

I can't explain it now, Mario,
but I have to have $5,300.

Hello?

Hello?

Mario?

- How about...? Hello?
- $5,300?

- I got nervous. I thought you hung up.
- $5,300?

- Listen...
- $5,300?

- Don't get excited.
- Make that 50 to one.

Do you know how many garter belts
I gotta sell to make $5,300?

- 10,000.
- 10,000 what?

- Garter belts.
- Shut up, will you?

- No, positively no.
- They'll throw me out on the street.

- So what?
- What about the kid? What will I do?

- The kid?
- I can't move him in the condition he's in.

Beautiful. Five to one.

- What do you mean? Is he sick?
- Is Ally sick?

Forget it. Should I give you a hard-luck
story about my problems? How's Sophie?

- Don't tell her about this.
- Never mind.

Now, Tony, I'm your brother.
If the boy is sick, I wanna know.

Look, I don't wanna talk about it.
Anyway, I think we caught it in time.

- SOPHIE: Tony, what's the matter?
- MARIO: What's he got?

He's got stomach trouble.

Are you telling me the truth?

You're making me mad.
Did I ever lie to you?

- Yes.
- SOPHIE: Mario.

- Yeah? When did I ever lie to you?
- When? (LAUGHS)

Aw, skip the whole thing.
Forget the whole thing, you hear?

Even if you sent me the cheque,
I'd tear the thing up.

I should drop dead right on the spot.

He hung up.

Ever see such a man?
Calls me for a loan, then hangs up on me.

What did he say about Ally?

What's the difference?
Even when he's lying, he's lying.

- Call him right back.
- No, no, no.

It's a Tony trick. He wants
the money for something crazy.

See, Pa?
I told you the call wasn't for me.

Play, Julius, play.

Listen to that Mario calling me a liar.

Boy.

- What boy? What are you boying?
- You really get me.

- Who's got stomach trouble?
- Are you calling me a liar too?

- You never had a bellyache in your life?
- One time, that's all. Fried salami.

That doesn't mean I got stomach trouble.

What are you, a regular George
Washington? You can't tell one teeny lie?

You're getting fresh, kid. Watch it.
I don't like that attitude.

- You talk too much. You hear me?
- I hear you.

What's the matter? You mad?

The crazy books he reads.
What kind of book is this?

It's a zoology book.

Oh, yeah.

- They've got them dinosauruses.
- Dinosaurs.

Big deal.

- Come on, will you? I told you I'm sorry.
- When?

- Didn't I tell you?
- I talk too much.

- Who said that?
- You did.

Aw, you mustn't pay any attention.

You want to talk, boy, you go right ahead
and talk. I don't care what anybody says.

- They ever make a picture of this book?
- It's a zoology book.

So what? I don't care.
Yeah, they made a picture.

About those guys with the big clubs.
The actor with the black hair.

He lived on the side of a hill.
Like a caveman, like.

Pop.

Would you promise me something?

Sure, Ally.

No matter what,
you'll let me stay here with you?

- Of course.
- (SIRENS)

Who's here, the president?
Let's go see who's here.

Hey, Jerry. Hey, Geronimo.

Geronimo!

- Jerry, it's Tony. Hey!
- Hey, Tony, you old meatball!

Hey, that's Jerry Marks. How about that?

- Hey, you be sure to call me now.
- Sweetie.

I'm sorry,
but you don't know how long I've...

Jerry Marks, of all people.
This may be just the thing I needed.

Ten million dollars worth of hotels
he bought. What a man.

Hey! Every hour, call the Fontainebleau
and keep trying to get Mr Marks.

- You bet.
- Sally? Don't give up.

- We may come up with a little money yet.
- About time.

Today I may not have a thing at all
Except perhaps a dream or two...

Did you hear what he said?
"Call me up," he says, "Tony".

Disneyland.
Why didn't I think about that before?

That's his kind of an idea.
He'll love the idea.

Well, why don't you ask Mr Marks to lend
you the money instead of Uncle Mario?

Oh, don't be ridiculous. Let me give you
a few pointers about the world.

The first thing
you gotta learn is to put up a big front.

Now take me for instance. I jump
in my Cadillac, I drive down to see him.

I say "Hello, Jerry."
He says "Hello, Tony."

He says "What's doing?"
"I got a big hotel." Big shot.

I say "I got a proposition for you."
He says "Tell me."

Now suppose I go down there,
I sell the Cadillac, and I go by jitney bus.

I walk in and say "Jerry."
He says "What's doing, Tony?"

"I'm being evicted. Lend me some
money." "Scram, bum, who needs you?"

The same person,
the same nothing in my pocket,

except that if I put up a front,
he listens to me.

If I don't put up a front, out.
You remember that.

Well, Pop,
where are we gonna get the money then?

Why don't you get off my...

- Victor Mature.
- What?

The guy in the picture.
The caveman. He lived in a cave.

- Boy.
- It was a beautiful picture.

Didn't I have this shirt on before?
You trick me into wearing dirty shirts.

- Will you tell me something?
- Sure, what?

The first lightweight champion
to hold three crowns.

- For $1 million?
- For $1 million.

- Greta Garbo.
- (ALLY LAUGHS)

Nobody's ever gonna take you
away from me. Never, never, never.

Let's go for a drive. The speedometer's
all nines and it's ready to go to zero.

What are we gonna do? Leave the boy
in that place till he gets sick, maybe dies?

What's he got, bellyache?
Such a big tragedy!

Are you disappointed
he hasn't got a hernia?

If anything happens to that child, you
know who I'll hold responsible? You.

All right, today he's got a stomachache,
tomorrow appendicitis.

Pa, look. I got it.

Genius.

I'll bring him here. I'll love
taking care of a little boy again.

You out of your mind? "I'm gonna
walk out." Who'll watch the store?

- The store won't run away. Julius is here.
- Julius?

Very nice. You talk about him
like he's an l-don't-know-what.

In the house he's my son.
In the store he's a tumour.

We're going down there.
We'll take an airplane.

Will you stop that?
Look, I never was in an airplane.

- Hi.
- Hey!

- You gorgeous or are you gorgeous?
- I am gorgeous.

I'll be with you in a minute,
soon as I finish my exercises.

Baby, I'm not going to be able
to see you tonight.

Thanks a lump.
Now's a fine time to tell me.

A wire from my brother.
I have to meet him at the airport.

- Fine, introduce me. I won't bite him.
- Don't be funny, will you?

Doesn't he think you're old enough
to go out with girls?

He thinks any girl who's 21
and unmarried is no good.

He'll love me.
I was married when I was fifteen.

No, I'm not kidding. This is serious.
He's the marines coming to bail me out.

I don't want to make him mad.

What am I, some Frankenstein,
I'm gonna scare him off?

You know, you're making me very mad.
No, look, I mean it.

- Are you ashamed to be seen with me?
- Pop!

I've been here a month, I haven't met your
kid yet. Now your very square brother.

Understand, it's only a couple of days
until I get my hands on some money.

I'm not ashamed of the way I live
and if you are, goodbye, Charlie.

I gotta go now, but later on when my
brother's gone to bed, I'll give you a buzz.

- What did you do that for?
- Guess why.

- Pop, it's late!
- I'll see you later.

Don't hold your breath, Charles. You rat.

- What are you hollering?
- It takes half an hour to get to the airport.

Stop nagging me. What a nag.

Garden of Eden.

- Hello, Mrs Wexler.
- Good evening.

- Pop.
- Leave me alone for two minutes.

Don't you think it's funny Uncle Mario gets
on an airplane and comes down here?

Look, have you had your supper?
Look what time it is... half past ten.

I'm supposed to be practically dying
with stomach trouble.

- I'm gonna have to flatten you.
- OK, I'm going.

- You got that big room?
- For the man with the moolah?

No cracks, now. He doesn't laugh easily.
I'm going out to the airport.

- What's the matter with you?
- I'm checking out.

Are you trying to drain
the blood out of me? Get in the car.

- Will you please leave me alone?
- You're a kook.

- I'm a kook? You're a fine one to talk.
- Let's take a ride.

- I don't wanna take a ride.
- Get in the car.

Why do you needle me? Is that your hobby?

Nobody's turning me into a kiwi bird.
I'm a wild bird.

- So?
- Free, with no tomorrow.

I go where the kicks are, and when
the kicks stop coming, I take off.

- Suppose I clip your wings?
- Ha!

Ha!

What a kook. Free as a bird, wild.
No tomorrow.

You know you're a kook like a cuckoo?

I thought you had to meet
Brother Sourpuss.

Don't remind me.

Well, have laughs.
You can catch me on the ninth wave.

My brother. What a character.

He'd like me to live in a cave someplace
like a monk.

His idea of a big night is sitting around
the kitchen playing penny ante.

You should've known my husband.
The same way. They're all alike.

All they do is sit around
in a deep, dark hole someplace.

You talk about fun
and they yell bloody murder.

- That's him. That's my brother.
- That's all of them.

Hey!

What do you say we leave the stinking
fun killers behind and go shoosh?

- We got the car.
- Shirl...

Honey, you want me, don't you?

That's what bothers me.

Look, I want to ask you a question.
Would you like to marry me?

Marriage?
I thought that word was poison to you.

Just answer the question.

What are you, a gypsy?
Every two minutes you change your mind.

- Now you want to get married?
- Who, me? No.

There are two kinds of women.
And I'm the other kind.

Then what's the problem?
We don't want to get married.

The problem is this.
I'm a wild bird and you're a kiwi.

And one of us has got to change
or goodbye, Charlie.

- I'm a what?
- A kiwi.

Haven't you ever seen one? Stupid things.

They want to fly, but they just sit around
all day long, flapping their wings.

- That's what I am?
- Oh, you talk big. Very, very big.

Big deal, big man. Let's get in the big car,
let's go off through the woods.

But inside, not you. Not you, landlord.
You want to be respectable.

There's a little fun-killer in you.

For a crazy minute I say to myself,
I'll be respectable if that's what he wants.

Cos I have to admit it,
I like it there in your back pocket.

But I'm not gonna do it.
I just got started.

Do you think I want to settle down
with a 12-year-old kid?

Why do you think I left my husband?

Him and his family kept bugging me
day after day, "Have a baby, have a baby."

Who needs a baby? I'm a baby myself.
I want to be free.

- Have fun.
- Who don't?

- You don't. You're not selfish enough.
- I'm the most selfish man in the world.

Would you leave your kid?

Boy, I sure would like to pick up
and take off. You and me. Any place.

Just take off. Africa, maybe.
And let the wind blow.

You go meet your square brother.

Have a good swim, Esther.

- Kiwi.
- Kook.

So how come he's not here to meet us?

If I could give you a reason,
would I give you a reason?

- The boy's in hospital.
- He said the boy had a stomachache.

What am I doing here? All of a sudden,
you got me on an airplane.

- Mario, call up all the hospitals.
- I'm not gonna call the hospitals.

You're making me crazy, you know that?
Come on, we'll go by ourselves.

Taxi. Come on.

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

- Peewee the kiwi.
- Oh, shut up, you kook.

- You taste good.
- You're salty.

Here you are.

Pardon me, sir. Do you have
a snapshot of yourself?

- What?
- I haven't gotten a dime tip since 1932.

I'd just love to frame it along with
a picture of the sport that gave it to me.

You got so much money
you don't need a dime?

Well, I need a dime
and I got more money than you.

- For heaven's sake, come on...
- I don't know about that.

A nice how-do-you-do, isn't it?
What am I doing in Florida?

Airplane...

- Very nice pictures for a little boy.
- Where is everybody?

They're all at the hospital.
Look in the phone book.

You and your hospital.

Who's here?

- Anybody here?
- Mario.

- Mario, will you stop it?
- What do you want me to do, stand here?

- Geronimo!
- ALLY: Geronimo!

- FRED: Geronimo!
- I got it, Fred. Geronimo!

Geronimo!

I'm so happy.

(FRED AND ALLY LAUGH)

Excelsior!

Garden of Eden...

May I help you, sir? Uncle Mario!

- Ally!
- When did you get out of the hospital?

- Hospital?
- What are you doing up? You all right?

- You had me worried to death.
- I'm OK.

- I won't say nothing.
- Where's Pop? He went to meet you.

Look how pale he looks. You got a fever?
I think he's got a fever.

You know how much it costs
to go on the airplane? Over 200...

- Who are you?
- I'm...

$200. I gotta leave my store.
But I won't say nothing.

You should thank God
the boy's all right. $200?

Are you mad because he's not sick?
Ally, you had me worried to death.

Well, come on inside.
I think Pop will be here in a minute.

- He went out to meet you.
- Well, he did it again.

I swore I'd never live to see the day
I'd believe a word he told me.

But look at me.
I'm standing here in Florida.

It's a good thing we came.
At least we know.

I tell you, it's a miracle
we didn't get here dead. Airplanes.

No more. You could pay me money.
You could kill me first.

You don't have a kitchen?

- There's so many restaurants near here.
- Restaurants...

You sit there.
A woman says "Put the belt on."

I look out, fire is coming out of the motor.
I told her "Look at the fire there."

She gives me a piece of chewing gum.
The motor is on fire.

She expects you to sit there
like a dope, chewing.

What kind of crazy chair
to have around the place?

- You have a maid cleans up for you?
- Oh, sure. It's very comfortable here.

I tell you the truth, though...
it's very nice when you come to think of it.

Six o'clock I'm sitting in my own kitchen,
now I can look around, see a coconut.

Four hours, would you believe it?

Now, on the train, we're in Baltimore

and my underwear
is just beginning to crawl up on me.

- Mario!
- What did I say? Underwear?

Would somebody like a hot dog,
or something?

- Is that your supper?
- No, I had a good supper.

I just bought these. I thought you might be
hungry, getting off the plane, and all.

(SHE WEEPS)

- What are you crying about?
- He thought we might be hungry.

- Ally, you're a dear.
- Everything, she cries.

Ally, your poor, dear mama,
may she rest in peace,

she used to worry about you. Are you
warm enough? Did you eat enough?

Now, when I find you here in the middle
of who knows what kind of people...

drunken bums, dope fiends, gamblers...

Ally, you're gonna like living with us.
You'll have three meals a day.

- Make friends in a nice neighbourhood.
- Sophie.

I'll see you later.

- No, no, no. You go up the back.
- No.

Wait up for me.

There you are. I went out to the airport.

I looked all over for you.
You couldn't wait?

- Sophie, how's your virus?
- Don't do that.

Mario, it's good to see you.
How are you feeling?

What's the matter?

What are you thinking? Come on, already.

At the airport I ran into a little old lady
I know, I know a hundred years.

Well, Tony, you haven't changed. Eh, Tony?

You. Did you take your stomach
medicine? He's got stomach trouble.

- Stomach trouble...
- Yeah...

You're looking good, Tony. Like a doctor.

- Look how he looks like a doctor.
- Hm. Like a doctor...

Go ahead, go to bed.

- SOPHIE: Look at all those suits.
- You like 'em?

How much did they cost you?
Big hotel man, huh?

Look at these two people. Are you kidding?

These don't belong to me,
they belong to Ally.

Since he had the stomach trouble
he lost a little weight, you know.

We owe the rent,
we can't pay the phone bill,

we gotta pay the laundryman,
he buys $100 suits!

Ally in those suits.

- You're a funny guy.
- Yeah, that's some Tony.

I've got a suggestion.
You must be tired...

- Garden of Eden. Didn't I tell you?
- Tell me what?

Remember the last time I was here?
I looked around the place.

They got hotels in the best
neighbourhoods for the same money.

Why should they stop here?
I told you then, get rid of the place.

If you're not giving me
the money, forget it.

You want me to throw good money
in the ash can?

- If that's the way you want to be, fine.
- What?

- You're my brother.
- No more. I'm not your brother.

- Mario.
- You want him, take him.

From now on, she's your brother.

- Come on, in the other room.
- Forget it.

- What do I owe you? Do I owe you?
- Skip it.

Look, go. Go in your big car. Big shot.

- Now I'm running away with his money.
- Big shot.

I don't have a Cadillac car.
I don't run around with tramps.

- What tramps?
- That's who you go around with.

I've got a Chevrolet, ten years. It runs
good. Takes me where I want to go.

- I don't have a Cadillac car, you bum.
- Bum?

You know why it runs good?
I take care of it.

- Who's talking about cars?
- $100 suits.

- Oh, don't be crazy.
- In your whole life, you ever sat still?

Running here, there. How many times
did you come to me for help?

It's time you stood on your own two feet.

All you do is run around with girls,
who knows what?

You need money, your brother Mario.
Only no more. Nothing. Not a penny.

All right. Who needs you?
Goodbye, good luck.

- You got a disease.
- What disease?

You're happiness-crazy. You're a bum.

- Bum?
- Bum. That's what you are, a bum.

Do you want to wake up the neighbourhood?

We've got things to talk about.

There's no reason
we can't sit down and talk about it.

Now sit down, Mario.

Serves you right. Sit down, Ton...

Tony, I want you to think about this
before you say no.

Don't say what you're gonna say, Sophie.

We'll let the boy live here
like a bum with hot dogs?

- You're not gonna take my kid.
- What are you gonna do?

This hotel you can forget about.

- Can you hammer a nail, plant a seed?
- Oh, wait a minute...

If you'd watch your business
instead of tramps...

- Tramps?
- Bum. Did you meet us?

Will you stop it, both of you?
Sit down, Mario.

The point is this, Tony.

You don't wanna go back to driving a cab.

All you can be is a salesman again.

Again?
Once he was a salesman for two weeks.

- Three weeks.
- Three weeks. Big career.

And who's gonna look after the boy?

Who's gonna cook his meals,
wash his clothes, see he don't get sick?

You want him to grow up
to be a bum like you?

- Bum?
- Yes, bum.

- Don't call me a bum.
- You know it.

A bum who never made a living in his life.

He's not a bum!
He's my pop and he's a champ!

- Don't let him call you that, Pop.
- You think I like calling him a bum?

Go, Ally. Go. They're just brothers.

I mean it, Mario, sit down.

Will you never learn?

- Sit down, Tony.
- I'm sitting.

If you'd get married, if you'd get a decent
home for Ally and get on your feet,

nobody'd be happier than us.

- Am I right, Mario?
- Bum.

I'd like that. I'd like nothing better.

I'd marry tomorrow
if I could find the right woman.

- You mean that, Tony?
- Of course I mean it, Sophie.

Mario, if he got married again,

would you start him in a store
like the rest of the family?

He won't get married.

- If?
- If...

- Maybe.
- Then you would?

Maybe. But just a living, that's all.
No big deals in Florida.

You got to understand that, Tony.
You know your trouble? I'll tell you.

You're not satisfied
to just get along like everybody else.

You want to be a millionaire.
You want to live on Easy Street.

I'll tell you who lives on Easy Street.
Nobody.

You want to make a million overnight.
It don't happen.

I worked hard all my life,
14 hours a day and I made a good living.

I never took a vacation in my whole life.
I'm proud of it.

Is that so? You think
I worry about what you say?

Let me tell you something.
How do you know how I operate?

Take Jerry Marks.
Everybody said he'd be a bum.

He's a big man. Why?
Imagination. I got imagination.

- You got no imagination.
- You have?

I haven't got it?
You got it and you're poor.

No, no. Broke many times, but never poor.

- You would never understand that.
- All right. You're both great, but sit down.

I've never seen a man could get me so mad.

Everybody sit down again,
another act is coming on.

Do you know anybody, Tony?

- What?
- Mario?

Can you think of anybody he could marry?

If you'll settle down,
with a nice little store,

and you find a nice little woman
and live in a nice little town and...

Don't you think that's all I think
about every minute of the day, every day?

So help me, I should drop dead right here.

If he'd dropped dead
all the times he's supposed to,

I'd go into the cemetery business.

You know who'd be perfect, Mario?
Mrs Rogers.

Who?

Her husband died a couple of years ago
and left her quite a few dollars.

- Believe me, she'd be perfect for you.
- Say, you know what?

What's the matter
with Louie Bendi's second cousin?

- Why do you say that?
- She's a nice, quiet little woman.

- She's old enough to be his mother.
- She's a nice little woman.

Every time I mention a woman's name,
you bring up Louie Bendi's second cousin.

Don't you know any other women?

Well, she's a nice, quiet, little woman.

Believe me, Tony,
Mrs Rogers would be perfect for you.

We used to go to their house.
You could eat a meal right off the floor.

Sophie, I don't like to eat
my meals off the floor.

All right, if you want Mrs Rogers...

Are you two crazy? You're picking out a
wife like it's a slave market or someplace.

She's living right here in Miami and I'm
supposed to call her up and say hello.

- Please, Sophie.
- What's it gonna cost you to meet her?

- He won't get married.
- You call her up, you take her out.

- It won't hurt you.
- He wants a young girl. A tramp.

- What tramp?
- Bum! Did you meet us at the airport?

All I ask you to do, Tony,
is think about it.

If you want to meet the woman,
I'll call her up. What harm's it gonna do?

- Sophie, let's you and me run off.
- Oh, Tony, stop it. I'm serious.

- Will you think about it?
- I promise I'll think about it.

Now come on, I'll show you to your room.
Come on.

Come on, tiger.

Bum.

Fred, give me the key
to the Presidential Suite.

- I just want you to be happy, that's all.
- All right.

Now what are you crying about?

- Good night, Ally.
- She cries.

Ally, I want you to know, both of us,

we'd like very much for you
to come and live with us.

Well, your Aunt Sophie,
even at hockey games she cries.

You're a good boy, Ally.

Bum.

Ally?

What are you doing out here?

Here, blow.

Oh, come on, Ally.
Listen, I'm not an old man yet.

I'm pretty young.
It's not bad for me to go out with a girl.

Do you want me to go with Uncle Mario?

Oh, what are you talking so crazy?
So I kissed a girl.

What's that got to do
with me and you, with us?

If you do, just tell me, that's all.

I tell you one thing... they're right, you're
a skinny kid. I keep telling you to eat.

No. Fried salami and hot dogs.
What kind of food is that to serve a kid?

I'm not a kid.
I wish you'd stop calling me a kid.

- No, you're an old man with a long beard.
- A kid is a goat.

Goat, tomorrow morning we'll buy
one of those fancy refrigerators

with the two-colour jobs
we saw on television that night?

They're wild things.
Press a button and get ice cubes.

- Boy!
- No kidding.

We'll have milk in it. Tell me
how to take care of my kid? I'll show 'em.

You really get me.

We'll have vegetables and we'll have three
meals a day in our own room over there.

- Who's gonna cook?
- Hey, nag.

Stop nagging me. Who's gonna cook?
We'll get a hot plate.

Buy some frozen foods, they dump 'em in
the water, three minutes, you got a meal.

Any dumb slob can cook today.
We'll have vegetables.

- What kind of vegetables you like?
- Spinach?

What do I need you for spinach? Name me
something fancy, like broccoli or zucchini.

Pop, don't make me go with them.
I don't want to go with them.

You've had some luck, Ally. Lucky Ally.

You must have been hiding behind a pole
the afternoon they gave away the daddies.

I don't know, lately...

You know, I could be walking right past
a solid block of gold and if I touch it,

spaghetti right on my hand.

I could get a job someplace.

I believe you could.

I got an idea. I think I'll go over and tell
them I'm ready to meet that woman.

- What woman?
- The one they want to marry me off to.

Marry a woman you don't even know?

Who said marry her? Meet her.
If she turns out to be a dog, final.

At least I met her.
They'll stop calling me a bum.

- What if she turns out to be nice?
- Wonderful. I'll make a deal with you.

If I don't like her and you like her, you
marry her and you can take care of me.

- Pop, you got a hole in the head.
- I know.

I like you looking better. You look much
better without the tears and your chin on...

Remember that song we used
to sing about the chin on the ground?

The Ant Song.

Next time you're found
with your chin on the ground

There's a lot to be learned,
so look around

Just what makes that little old ant

Think he'll move a big rubber plant?

Anyone knows an ant can't...
move a rubber tree plant

But he's got high hopes
He's got high hopes

He's got high-in-the-sky apple-pie hopes

So anytime you're feeling low

Instead of letting go,
Just remember the ant

Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant

Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant

Oops, there goes another rubber tree plant

When troubles call and your back's
to the wall, there's a lot to be learned

That wall could fall

Once there was a silly old ram

Thought he'd punch a hole in a dam

No one could make that ram scram
He kept butting that dam

Cos he had high hopes
He had high hopes

He had high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes

- So anytime you're feeling low
- Never let go

Just remember that ram

Oops, there goes a billion-kilowatt dam

Oops, there goes a billion-kilowatt dam

Oops, there goes a billion-kilowatt dam

You better have high hopes
Keep your high hopes

Keep those high apple-pie-in-the-sky hopes

- A problem's just a toy balloon
- They'll be bursting soon

- They're just bound to go pop
- (POPS)

Oops, there goes another problem
Kerplop!

Oops, there goes another problem
Kerplop!

Oops, there goes another problem
Kerplop!

Kerplop!

Tell you what.
I'll tell them to bring over the broad.

We'll take a look at her and if we both
like her, maybe she'll have herself a deal.

- What if she don't like you?
- Why, you!

- Whoops!
- Why, you!

(THEY LAUGH)

(MUSIC PLAYS)

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Well, have to go now.

- Goodbye.
- Bye.

Tell me the truth,
you think I look too fat in this?

- I don't know.
- Never mind.

Why are you so nervous?
Who's marrying the woman, you or him?

- Tony.
- Sophie.

- Mario, where did you find the pastry?
- Pastry?

- Sophie, you're a Gasser.
- Don't, Tony!

- You hear that, Mario?
- Gasser.

Look, Tony, I want you to put on a suit.

- Something quiet.
- A quiet suit.

- Something borrowed? Something blue?
- Tony, and a plain-cut tie.

I'll be right with you.
I gotta make one call.

- Get me Sid Schwartz.
- Come on, let's go outside and wait.

- Tell the truth, think Tony will like her?
- No.

Why do you say that?
How do you know so much?

Did you ask me?

I'm warning you.
Mrs Rogers is a very sensitive woman.

If you say one word to hurt her feelings...

You're making such a big thing here.

A woman meets a man and gets married.
A simple business proposition.

Marriage isn't simple, it isn't a business
and it isn't a proposition.

You're getting crazy in your old age.

First you're lonesome, so you want to
come down here and take the little boy.

Well, fine.
So we get down here... on an airplane.

Now you drag some woman over by
her hair and, boom, you're a matchmaker.

Why? So the little boy can have
a home here, not back with us.

What do you want? Do you want
to take the boy or leave the boy?

- I just want everybody to be happy.
- Good. Now you're crying.

MARIO: You're making me crazy.

If you can deliver me those beat-up hotels
for a price like not over five million,

cash, by the way, for tax reasons,
you've got yourself a deal.

What do you think about that,
you real-estate thief?

What?

Who said I'm getting thrown out
of the Garden of Eden?

The bank? Don't be ridiculous,
my fair-feathered friend.

My brother's backing me
and he's here at the hotel right now.

Furthermore, he can buy you
and the bank and the ground it's built on.

- How do you like that?
- Who's the woman?

- A rumour like that spreads, I'm dead.
- Who's the woman?

- What are you talking? What woman?
- The woman you're meeting.

Oh, some hatchet-face
my brother wants me to meet.

- If Abe Diamond is talking...
- Who's the woman?

Knock it off, will you?
My brother's out there.

- Well, good. Maybe I better ask him.
- Hey.

It's nothing, really.

My brother, before he gives me money
he makes me take castor oil.

- He wants you to marry the castor oil.
- Come off it. Don't go getting dramatic.

Now, look, we can go to dinner.
We'll go to the Boom-Boom Room.

- You have to meet this woman.
- So what?

Ten, fifteen minutes,
I'll brush her off, then I'll meet you.

I got a beautiful idea.
We go to the airport, jump on a plane,

we go to Cuba, 59 minutes.

Fly now, pay later. You got it?
Go down there, a few cha-cha-chas...

I'll buy you a Cuban breakfast and home
before the morning papers. That a date?

Oh, Tony.

- Tony, do you want me?
- Oh, you know it.

Baby, when we get to Cuba, let's keep
right on going. Let the wind blow.

- Let the... What?
- They'll make a prisoner out of you here.

Those squares out on that porch,
they'll chain you down.

Wait a minute. All I gotta do
is hold onto this hotel for a while,

get my idea to Jerry Marks
and I'll be on Easy Street.

Honey, you've got wings.
You don't have to be a kiwi bird.

- Don't call me that.
- This is our tailor-made opportunity.

- Look, leave the kid with your brother.
- Ally?

Of course. He's better off with them, Tony.
You know that.

No, Shirley. No, I couldn't.

You know he's better off with them.
Why fight me?

- Oh, excuse me.
- Do you ever think of knocking, Fred?

- What do you want?
- Sheriff's out there, chief.

- OK, tell him I'll be right out.
- Yes, sir.

Baby.

Trust me, honey.
Don't throw rocks at me, not now.

Let me get this eviction notice off my back
and we'll talk about it. Will you? OK?

Well, I don't know.
If I had one brain in working condition...

I'll see you at dinner? A date?

- If you stand me up, I'll flatten you.
- Scout's honour.

Wear something flashy, hm?

- Sheriff. How's things in Dodge City?
- How are you, Tony?

I know. Tomorrow morning I'm dead, right?

- I just wanted to tell you I'm sorry.
- You can save yourself a trip.

- I got the money. Everything's settled.
- Good thing. I hope so.

- Me, too.
- Knock it off, will you?

- If Jerry Marks calls, I'll be in my room.
- By the way, chief, congratulations.

- For what?
- (HUMS WEDDING MARCH)

- May all your troubles be little ones.
- What are you talking about?

- Ally told me.
- He told you what?

- You're getting married.
- He told you that I'm...

He didn't just come right out and say it...

- Hi, Pop.
- All right, wiseguy, start talking.

- Got you a present.
- Never mind that.

- Why tell everybody I'm getting married?
- I didn't tell anybody.

No, you didn't tell anybody.

- You got flowers, even.
- 29 cents.

I think you and I better have
a little talk. Come here.

What are you making such a big deal for?

What do you expect,
Marilyn Monroe to walk in that door?

Some old dried-up tomato,
friend of your aunt's.

I mean, what can she look like? Why
are you making such a big production?

You said that if you liked her
and if I liked her...

I did say that. But you keep acting
like Monroe is going to come in the door.

Let me tell you something...

What's so great about Marilyn Monroe?

You're always talking about Marilyn
Monroe. What's so great about her?

Ask me the same question in five or six
years, I'll tell you what's great about her.

Oh, that. I know.

- You know what?
- Well, you know.

Listen, I think you know too much.
You're still a little kid, you know.

I'll tell you when to know.

- What is that jazz you got on your head?
- Don't you like it?

- It's terrible. Wash your hair.
- Pop, it's not that bad.

It's pretty bad. Go in and wash your hair.

Thanks, Pop. And be nice to the lady.

Lady!

I always say that...

Yoo-hoo, Mrs Rogers!

I was thinking you couldn't make it.

- (CAR HORNS)
- MARIO: Hey, Sophie! Please!

Sophie. Sophie. Sophie...

Mario, look who's here.

- I hope she's got insurance.
- Yes, hello.

- She's here. Our paycheck.
- Well, glory be!

Hey, chief. She's here.

Some of them have television sets. He
doesn't allow any cooking in the rooms.

He's very strict about that.
It's very nice. So is he.

Tony?

Guess who's here.

- Oh, for goodness sake. Here, take this.
- What'll I do with it?

- Put it someplace.
- Tony? Ally?

You take a look at her
and let me know how you like her.

Well, come on. Go on.

Hi.

Come on in, honey, I want you
to meet Mrs Rogers. My nephew Ally.

That's his son.

- How do you do, Ally?
- How do you do?

- Well, what are we standing for?
- Yes, let's sit down.

Have a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

- Don't sit in that chair. You'll never get up.
- (LAUGHS)

- Here's a nice chair.
- You like this chair?

- This will be fine, thank you.
- Good.

- Somebody interested in science here?
- Yes, that's my book.

- Well, you must be pretty smart.
- Aw...

Pop will be here in a minute.
He's dressing.

- All right.
- I'll take the crazy chair.

Don't be a hero.
You want to break your back?

She's got a terrible back as it is.
Now she wants another doctor bill.

Our son Robert says...
He's a doctor, did you know that?

- Oh, no.
- He finished last year.

Mario set him up
in a nice place on Park Avenue.

There's so much sickness in the family
he could make a living on that alone.

You know, myself, I got terrible feet.
They hurt me.

My high-class son, you know
what he tells me? It's psychofomatic.

My feet are in my head.

Our our other son, Julius,
he's in the store with us.

- He's married.
- Julius.

- Mario.
- He's in the store. He sits there.

A customer comes in, he runs in the toilet.

What are you looking?
Big secret, I got a stupid son.

The woman will know anyway,
she'll be in the family.

- Mrs Rogers, do you like living here?
- Yes. Yes, I do.

- Pop, it's her.
- Who?

Marilyn Monroe. Hurry up.

I'm gonna flatten you.

(BONGOS)

(BONGOS)

What have you got up there, cannibals?

- Where's Tony?
- He's coming.

- Can I get somebody a soda?
- Oh, good, Ally. Come here.

You know, I was just going to ask you.

I've got a bad taste in my mouth.
Must've been that pastrami this morning.

- I had pastrami and eggs.
- You don't need any soda.

Ever seen a woman in your life?

She's in love with plain water.
You got some water?

Oh, sure.
Can I get you something, Mrs Rogers?

All right, then.
You can bring me some water, too.

OK.

Here, wait a minute.
It's all right. Go ahead, Ally.

- Mario. Sophie.
- Hello, Tony.

- I'm sorry I'm late. Is this Mrs Roberts?
- It's Mrs Rogers.

- I'm sorry I'm late. How do you do?
- That's all right. How do you do?

- Tony, I...
- Not now, Mario. Not now.

- Did you meet him yet? My son, Alvin.
- Alvin?!

Oh, come on. He hates that name, Alvin.

What do you got there? Water?
Why didn't you open a bottle of wine?

- They wanted water.
- Is that what you wanted, water?

OK, that's a good idea.
Go get me a water. It's a good idea.

Water's good for you, you know?
Cleans out the blood.

Mrs Rogers. Sophie. There you go, Mario.

Thank you.

- Huh?
- What's the matter?

Well, I don't know...

- Did you go to the beach today?
- Oh, sure, right away.

In 20 years he hasn't been in the water.
Not once.

For me it's no fun. You sit there, get hot.
You go in the water, you get cold.

You call this pleasure?

You used to be so crazy
about the Turkish baths.

That's different. You go to the bath,
you take your clothes off, meet people.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi.

Hi.

He's the oldest member of the family.
Whatever he says goes. Right, Mario?

There we are. Ah, this is fine water.

For $1 million, who did Tommy Burns
win the heavyweight championship from?

Pop, not now.

Come on, this is no time to be bashful.
I tell you, Mrs Rogers, this boy is amazing.

If he was on a quiz show,
he'd win before the first commercial.

Come on, who did Burns beat
for the championship?

- Pop.
- It was Marvin Hart, 20 rounds, wasn't it?

Correct, for one mill... You know boxing?

Tony, you gonna keep talking about fights?

It's late.
Let's get down to business, all right?

- What are you talking about?
- Now, sit down here.

I've got some good news for you.

I called the whole family this morning.
We had a talk.

- Good. Tell me about it later.
- Everybody's gonna chip in a few dollars.

I got this very nice little property
in Marion. Very nice little town.

I wouldn't lie to you.
This store is a 100 percent location.

The people in it, a chain store, built a
place across the street. My store is empty.

Tell him, Sophie.
Is that a beautiful store?

- For heaven's sakes!
- 30-foot front. Three windows.

Well, anyway, we all decided.

Now, you'll open up
a nice little five-and-ten there.

Only one junky little place in the town.

For years, I've been talking about it
myself, opening up a five-and-ten there.

Now, you'll both work in the store,

you'll watch the pennies
and you'll make a very nice living.

You'll love this town very much.
You'll find a nice little house there.

You'll never have to worry.

Now, on our side, we're
all gonna chip in and give you $5,000.

And I understand
your husband left you a few dollars?

Well...

If you will excuse me, please.

What's the matter? What's the matter?
What'd I do? What'd I say? I don't know.

- Are you crazy? Out of your mind?
- Dummy, what's the matter with you?

(SIGHS)

Hi.

Hi.

He hasn't got the sense he was born with.

You're old enough to have more...
Me, you call a bum? Me, he calls a bum!

Uncle Mario's a good man, really he is.
He's so good he hurts.

- Like when he pinches my arm.
- You talk about Julius!

Mrs Rogers. Mario, get up out of there.
Go on out and apologise to Mrs Rogers.

I'll handle it myself. Never mind.

Believe me, they all look at me
like I did something terrible.

I'm a plain man.
Maybe I said it wrong. Sorry.

- I'm sorry too...
- If I hurt your feelings, I apologise.

Would you like to get a cup of coffee?

- All right, if you want to.
- One second.

If Jerry Marks calls, I'll be at Hoffman's.

He's a nice fella.
He'd make you a very good...

All right, diplomat, knock it off.
Let's get some coffee.

I hope, I hope, I hope.

Well, you're right, Sophie.
She is a nice, quiet little woman.

- What'd I tell you?
- I still think Louie Bendi's cousin...

Sophie.

- Did you think I'd be an old man maybe?
- Oh, no. They told me your age.

- And what else?
- That you have a wonderful son.

- No, no. I mean, you know, how I look.
- She said you're very handsome.

- Like a doctor.
- Some doctor!

Any guy who wears a clean shirt
every day is a doctor to my sister-in-law.

What I don't understand though, is...

you don't look like a man who would have
any trouble meeting a woman.

- What'd you expect, a mouse?
- In a way. If you want to call it that.

Well, how come you showed up,
a real looker like you? You like a mouse?

- I mean, I thought you'd be very timid.
- Oh, you like that kind? Timid?

Does there have to be
only one type a person likes?

- What, do you like 'em all?
- What's that supposed to mean?

Nothing. I was making conversation.

- Why?
- What do you mean, why?

Just, you know, when you walk, you talk.

Wait a minute!
What are you so touchy about?

- What is it you want from me?
- Did I give you a handful of worms?

- Look, why did you want to meet me?
- Hi, Mrs Rogers.

- Oh, hello, Mendy.
- Hey, Mendy!

- Tony!
- You know him?

Look out for him, Mrs Rogers, he's a tiger.

- Come on in, I'll buy you a coffee.
- I can't. I'm working.

Big deal, so you blow a quarter fare.
Hey, Jerry's in town, you know?

Yeah, I read about it in the papers.

That's the tightest man on the beach.

- Good evening, Fred.
- Mrs Wexler.

- Hi, Miss Wexler.
- Hi, Ally.

- Your mom OK?
- She's fine. I just put her to bed.

- Take it easy. Geronimo.
- I beg your pardon?

- Have a good time.
- Thank you.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, Miss Shirl. You look beautiful.
Big night tonight?

- I don't know. It could be the biggest.
- Oh, how come?

Oh, the monkeys tell no tales in Zamboanga

Oh, the monkeys tell no tales in Zamboanga

Oh, the monkeys tell no tales
cos the monkeys, they're all males

And this monkey's on her way to Zamboanga

(THEY LAUGH)

- Where's Zamboanga?
- Well, who cares?

(HUMS)

FRED: Ally, Ally, ain't love rotten?
You're too young and I've forgotten

Fly now, pay later!

- Where's his brother Mario?
- Brother Mario, huh?

- Ally, where's Uncle Mario?
- Uh, he's out. They went to dinner, I think.

You call me the minute he comes in.
You hear me?

Yes, ma'am.

(WEEPING)

Hi.

I just...

(SHE WEEPS)

(THUNDER)

This is the kind of weather
that drives everybody to California.

Well, come in.

Hey, that's pretty nice, isn't it?

I'm glad you like it.

Two people are a crowd in here.

Well, if we walk sideways
like a crab we'll make it.

If you like martinis, there's some
in the icebox. I'll just put on an apron.

- Excuse me.
- You want a drink?

Not right now, thanks.

Hey, I ought to get one of these for Ally.

Yeah. Oh, he's a darling boy,
but I guess you know that.

Who, the nagger? Oh, what a nag.

He sure is a nice boy.

- You're very lucky.
- Yeah, that's what I am. Some lucky.

Oh, wait. Maybe you'd like an olive.
Here they are.

Hey, your hair
is almost the same colour as Ally's.

Oh, yes.

You know what that silly kid does?

Every day, right after school,
wham, he's right into the hotel working.

And the funny part of it is
he hates the hotel business.

When his mother was still alive, I couldn't
get him in the lobby if I dragged him in.

He was out playing ball with the kids
in the street, looking as brown as a berry.

Now, I don't know, lately he's beginning
to look like he lives under a rock.

He doesn't play any more.
He worries about me.

He's a funny kid, though, you know.

I could beat him up, anything, leave him
someplace, and I bet he'd still love me.

- It's kind of scary, huh?
- And you say you're not lucky. Hm.

Excuse me.

You may walk like a crab,
but you're sure a lot prettier.

Would you open that bottle?

How do they expect you
to do that, use dynamite?

Here.

(WATER RUNS)

- What's your system?
- Plenty of hot water.

You ought to patent that.

There we are. Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm so sorry.

- I'm so clumsy. I'm sorry.
- It'll dry. It'll dry.

(THUNDER)

Thanks.

Do you mind if I...?

Oh, of course not.

Oh, you'll have to excuse me.

I may as well tell you,
you're the first man in this apartment

and I'm as nervous as a schoolgirl.
So silly.

Why don't you bust out once in a while,
let off steam?

- I can't.
- Why?

It's so funny.
Last year I decided I'd go someplace

where nobody would know me
and I'd do just that,

so I took one of those cruises,
those tours, you know.

There were a lot of men.
They paid a great deal of attention to me.

Oh, it's so silly.
I just got tighter and tenser.

I finally got off and flew home. Oh!

(GERMAN ACCENT) It seems to me
you have an acute case of lonelyitis. Ja?

That's what you have. That's
from eating alone and from living alone.

The worst part of your day
is eating alone. Tell the doctor.

No. You know
what the worst part of my day is?

- Nein. What is the worst part?
- Having to order one lamb chop.

Oh, it's so simple.
Order two lamb chops and eat with a man.

Maybe I should tell you the truth.
Should I tell you the truth?

Why not? I'm the doctor.

Well, Doctor...

When Sophie called and said her
brother-in-law wanted to marry someone,

that's why I went to meet you.

- Why?
- I was so tired of buying one lamb chop.

Wouldn't you think after living alone
for two years, I'd be used to it?

But I just can't believe it.

I wake up in the morning.

There's one moment before I'm fully
awake when I feel everything is fine.

I know my husband's here
and my son and they need me.

Then I realise of course there's nobody
here and, worst of all, nobody needs me.

So, anyway, if you would happen
to run across anybody who needs me...

- I'll give them your number.
- Thanks, Doctor.

- How about that drink now?
- Oh, I'd love it.

Coming right up.

- They didn't tell me you had a son.
- Yes.

That's him right there.
He'd be just a little older than Ally.

That's his father with him.

That picture was taken
just a couple of days before the accident.

- What accident?
- We were camping.

I was in the tent
and they were in swimming.

All of a sudden,
I heard a lot of commotion.

I went out to see what was happening. My
husband was in deep water with a cramp.

My son swam out to him.
Well, the cold water and the altitude...

Both of them right there
in front of my eyes. My whole family.

So, I moved down to Florida and have
been walking around in a daze ever since.

I know. It takes a long time.

Did you know my wife was four feet
11 inches? She was the littlest thing.

If she ever saw this apartment,
she would flip.

She used to say
"Little nests for little people."

She always said that,
may she rest in peace.

She was very religious. Are you religious?

I think so.

I wish I was religious.

She was the sweetest thing
you've ever seen.

We used to have a store.

A store! We had a gang of them.

We went bankrupt the first of every month,
like clockwork.

That poor girl, she worked like a dog.
It was pretty tough, 12 hours a day.

And what could you hope for?
A car. A little house. A couple of kids.

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

What else is there?

You're a very fine person, Mrs Rogers.

Thank you. You're kind of nice yourself.

There's something I should tell you.

It's one thing to kid some jerk along,
but, well, with you it's different.

I couldn't do it to you.

You see, I have a piece of paper in
my coat pocket called an eviction notice.

It means they'll kick me out of business
unless I can come up with $5,000.

So that's the reason
why I said OK to my brother Mario,

he should bring you over to meet me,
so I could borrow the money off of him.

I don't quite follow you.

Well, I can't blame you,
but I'll try to make it clearer.

He wanted me to meet you and I said OK.

Now we've met, I'll tell him
that we got along pretty well

and we like each other
and we're probably gonna get married.

And that he should get
the five-and-ten ready.

In the meantime, I have to have a couple
of thousand dollars to get along on.

After he gives it to me,
I'll give it to my landlord

so he shouldn't kick me out of the hotel.

That way, I'm back in action again.
See what I mean?

That's the kind of guy I am.

I don't want to get married. I never had
any intention of getting married.

I had to tell you that

because I didn't want to hurt you
or kid you along.

I really enjoyed meeting you, Mrs Rogers.
It's really been a pleasure.

Well, where are you going?

I figure I better take a powder.
You don't want me around after that.

Who's going to eat all the groceries?

Mrs Rogers, maybe you didn't understand
me, but I needed you for a stooge.

Well, I'm glad somebody
finally needs me for something.

You have to stay anyway, because...

You prescribed my medicine, remember?
Eat with man.

I can't understand why some guy didn't
snap you up a long time ago, Mrs Rogers.

Eloise.

- Eloise?
- Yes.

- Awful, isn't it?
- Oh, that's a doozy.

We've got to do something about that.

What do you think they're doing now?
Having coffee?

- Oh, thank you, Ally.
- Thanks, Ally.

- Good. That's enough.
- I bet they're having coffee.

- Not Pop.
- Yeah, coffee.

Who's talking to you?

Piece of ice.

The whole world,
a piece of ice is a piece of ice.

In Miami it isn't good enough for them.

They gotta make it fancy,
put a hole in the middle like a doughnut.

You want a doughnut, buy a doughnut.
You want ice...

How come they make it
look like a doughnut?

- That's the trouble with the whole world.
- Don't give yourself a heart attack.

- Why don't they leave things alone?
- (CAR HORN)

Tony? What happened? Did you have a fight?

- What fight?
- What are you home so early for?

I had a wonderful time.

How can you eat a meal and leave?
Didn't you talk on the sofa?

Look at how these two watch me
like a hawk. Can I get out of here, Sophie?

You. I got a surprise for you.

Close your eyes and hold out your hands.

Mm-hm.

- What's your favourite kind of cake?
- Coconut.

- Not coconut. Your favourite.
- That is my favourite.

Are you trying to be funny?
What's your favourite cake?

- Coconut.
- Oh, I'm gonna flatten you.

- What do you want me to say?
- Layer cake.

She asked me what your favourite was.
I said it was layer cake.

- Where'd you get that idea?
- Ever see such a kid?

Did you like her?
Are you gonna see her again?

Please, tell me what happened.

Did you like her? Are you gonna
see her again? What happened?

- Life is just a bowl of cherries.
- Why?

- I don't know. I'm no philosopher.
- Please tell me. Do you like her?

First, taste something delicious.
Break off a piece. Go ahead.

Break off a piece, Mario. Taste that.
I never saw anything like it.

She got a little bowl, put a couple things
in it. Two minutes, she had a cake.

- Delicious?
- She likes it very sweet.

- It's delicious.
- I don't make it quite so sweet.

Is that delicious?
You, I'm through with altogether.

Coconut cake. You Benedict Arnold.

- Very good, though.
- It's delicious.

I've never felt so good.
I'm proud of myself.

I wanna tell you about her place. A pretty
little room about half the size of my car,

but the way she's got it fixed up...
like a palace.

- I can't tell, Mario. Does he mean it?
- I should drop dead on this spot.

- Now I'm worried.
- Look, I really mean it.

I don't know what's gonna happen,
but maybe if I see her some more

I think maybe we'll get married.

- Tony! Oh, Tony!
- Pop!

- How about that?
- I'm very happy.

For the first time in my life,
I'm proud of you.

- Look, he's crying. Look who's crying.
- All of a sudden I cry.

- I appreciate this.
- Who's crying? You're a good boy, Ally.

Tony, this is what I prayed for... a good
wife for you and a nice home for Ally.

She talked about you.
For an hour she talked.

But I told her, I said
"Wait till you meet that nag."

Listen, let's dress up and celebrate, huh?

You go change clothes.
Wait, you're going the wrong way.

- I gotta do something.
- What do you gotta do?

I sorta promised I'd light a candle
if you and Mrs Ro... Well, you know.

I'll be right back.

Oh, Mario, a candle.

Light a candle. How about this kid?

How can anything go wrong with me
with him around?

Come on, Sophie, doll up.
We'll light a million candles.

- Tony!
- You're my sister-in-law.

- Stick around while I change, eh?
- Yeah, I will.

It sounds good to me,
for the first time in my life,

the idea of having a nice little five-and-ten
and a nice little home in a nice little town.

- How long to get the store ready?
- It's ready now.

That's wonderful. We'll take a trip
to look the place over. Maybe tomorrow.

Good.

I'll have to ask you
to lend me a couple of dollars

for, well, transportation and incidentals.

- What do you mean, a couple of dollars?
- A couple of thousand to tide me over.

I gotta have a little petty cash.

Why? So you can give it to Diamond
and he won't throw you out of this hotel?

- What are you talking?
- Not this time, Mr Big Shot.

The day you walk into that five-and-ten
with your wife, I'll give you a nice cheque.

Mario.

I need the money now.
They're throwing me out tomorrow.

No. No. No.

I knew it. I know him like a book.
Why do I believe him?

- Listen, Mario, let's talk. I need you.
- "Light a candle," the boy says.

- You came down to help me, didn't you?
- For me, no feelings, but for his own son?

- Mario, you're my brother. Help me.
- I believed you.

If I lose the hotel,
how am I gonna help the kid?

How? Help him like I helped my children.

Like two billion others have helped
their children. They worked.

- Sally, give me ten bucks.
- Five.

- Ten.
- But I ain't been paid in five weeks.

- Life is just a bowl of cherries.
- Well, why do we always get the pits?

Chief, I had 60 bucks stashed away
and Sally put five up,

and she kicked in ten before she checked
out... you know, for the laundry.

What are you doing,
taking up a collection for me now?

She? What she?

Miss Shirl. She left a couple of hours ago.

Shirley checked...?

What did she say? Did she leave a message?

FRED: Chief! Chief!

What do you want from me, my blood?

Do you want me to crawl
on my hands and knees?

I ask you to lend me a couple of bucks.

You expect me to become
a five-and-dime character like you?

You expect me to change my way of life?
Be you instead of me?

Not a chance.

Take your big-brother sanctimonious act
back to New York and turn blue.

Everybody dressed, Pop?
Be with you in a minute.

- Ally, I want to talk to you.
- Chief! Chief!

I can't go through with it, Ally.

I mean, you think I'm a champ?

Think a champ would marry Mrs Rogers

to get a few lousy bucks
from your Uncle Mario?

You mean you're not going to get married?

I like her very much. I'm sure
she'd make a good mother for you.

But I couldn't do that to this nice woman.
You'd hate me for it.

Ally, pack your things.
Tomorrow, you're coming with us.

- Pop?
- He's not going nowhere.

Don't try to stop me.
I'll go to court if I have to.

You have no money, no home. That's
the end of it. Ally's going to live with us.

Excuse me, chief.
Jerry Marks's secretary called.

Jer... What'd he say?

He's having a party at the Fontainebleau
and wants you to come over now.

You see that? Did you hear what he said?

Jerry Marks phoned me and wants me to
go to his party at the Fontainebleau Hotel.

You wouldn't understand. My kind of
people. You'll never even understand me.

You know why?
Because I go on hunches. That's why.

I guarantee I'm gonna have all the money
I need by morning, and without your help.

Wait till he gets a load of my plan here,
with the Disney thing.

You know something else? You know
that Easy Street that nobody lives on?

I'm gonna wind up
owning it, brother Mario.

And you, don't look so unhappy.
Nobody's gonna take you away from me.

Ally...

I know you love your daddy,
and that's good.

- Listen. You should love him.
- (CAR DRIVES AWAY)

But you've got to understand
what's best for you.

Aunt Sophie, I like you an awful lot,
but, please, I don't want to leave him.

If I had to leave him, I don't know.
I think I'd jump in the ocean, Aunt Sophie.

Good luck, champ!

Oh, Mario, maybe we shouldn't.
He loves him so much.

What do I care, love? Tomorrow
he's out on the street, that's what he is.

What's love, anyway? Is it gonna put
a roof over his head? Fill up his belly?

- Suppose Tony gets the money tonight?
- Suppose! Suppose it snows in this lobby.

He's a bum. In his life,
he never raised a dime except from me.

All right. Don't have a heart attack.

He'll come to me running
on his hands and knees. Turn blue?

Hey, Fred. Geronimo!

Geronimo!

ALLY: Geronimo!

Geronimo!

FRED: Geronimo!

I made it.

Cheer up, toots.

MRS WEXLER: Geronimo!

Garden of Eden!

Toots.

COMPERE: They come from everywhere
for a Jerry Marks party.

The moniker Mr Fabulous really fits him.

Now, who's that distinguished couple?

It's our mayor and his lovely wife.
Let's give them a big hello.

Howdy, Mayor. And let's see, who's
that gentleman following the mayor?

Sorry, I don't recognise him.

(WHISTLES)

- Everybody happy?
- Yes!

- Aw, you ain't seen nothing yet.
- (STARTING PISTOL)

And now, if you have weak hearts,
don't look.

The most beautiful, the most gorgeous,
ravishing woman in the whole world.

And here she is, Miss Body Beautiful.

(FANFARE)

- (LAUGHTER AND CHEERING)
- Oh, no.

(PISTOL)

- Hey, that's Jerry. How about that?
- That's our boss.

- How'd you get in here?
- What do you mean?

I came to see Jerry.
Hey, Jerry, it's Tony. Geronimo!

- Geronimo. Hey, it's Geron...
- It's Tony.

Tony. My pal. Hey, let him in,
that's my boy. Come on, let him in.

- Jerry.
- You bubblehead. How are you?

- You're still skinny as a rail, huh?
- I should be fat, like a fat pig like you.

- You musta made that first million.
- No, but it's near.

- Sweetie, you better get dressed.
- Take care of this.

- Mr Marks...
- This is number-five secretary.

Honey, I don't want any calls.
I haven't seen this guy in 100 years.

Hey, you caught me just in time. I gotta go
out to the dog track, pictures, publicity.

- What are you doing, vacationing here?
- Jerry!

- Hey, Charlie, how are you?
- All right. Wonderful.

He's a creep.
I can always tell. Sweaty hands.

- What are you doing here?
- I've been living here 11-12 years now.

- What's your racket? Bootlegging?
- Hotel business.

- I just bought a couple of joints myself.
- I read about it. Ten million dollars worth.

I need 'em like I need another foot.
I was broke, so I had to buy something.

- What about Mendy?
- Mendy? He's here, pushing a hack.

You're kidding. Still here?
Well, it's what he always loved.

Hey, you know what we gotta do?
Get together, the three of us.

- I got a picture of the three of us, doing...
- Doing the bit? I gotta have one.

- Sweetie, it's getting late.
- Honey, meet my oldest friend.

We used to sell newspapers together.
Tony, Doreen.

Charmed. We're very late.
You told me to remind you.

- You didn't want to be late and we're late.
- Number one, Hollywood, huh?

- Mr Kelly's still waiting out there.
- I never get five minutes!

Will you do me a favour? Here.
Give him 50 bucks, tell him to buy a cigar.

Happens all the time. I can't turn around,
somebody won't knock me up for $50.

Can't keep it from 'em. It's only
money. I bet you get the same thing.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- It's been wonderful. Give me a call...

Jerry, I came over to see you about
an idea I got. I think you'll be interested.

Come on, fine.
Tell me about it while I change clothes.

Come on, boys, let's get going here.

Remember all the property
south of the beach here?

For years, they did all the business there.
Now all the action's up here.

So here's what I figure.
We buy that property for a song.

- You don't have this trouble, do you?
- No, I don't have that kind of trouble.

I got the figures here.
We could buy for it for a song.

You know what we do after we buy it?
We knock down all the buildings.

We build a Disneyland.
Is that a beautiful idea?

Disney...

- You don't like it?
- Yeah, yeah, I like it. Come on.

We build a Disneyland. Now,
I can't handle it by myself, it's a big tab.

But you, me and a couple of guys put
a syndicate together and it's a boat race.

- What do you think?
- What do I think?

Alice, get Walt Disney on the phone
for me right away.

- You know Walt...?
- Sweetie, you promised all those people...

You know what happens when we get
behind. The whole schedule is tangled.

- Look, tell Alice to cancel the phone call...
- I did.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

Listen, come to the track with me in
the car and explain the whole thing to me.

- To the track?
- I haven't seen you in 100 years.

What's so important it can't wait?

You come down to the track, we have
a drink, lose a little money, it'll relax you.

I got a couple of things to do.
Suppose I can whip 'em right away.

- Maybe an hour or so?
- Wonderful. That'll be great.

- Sweetie!
- I haven't got any pants on, do you mind?

- It's wonderful. It's been a gas, kid.
- Yeah, me too, Jerry.

In an hour.

- That's great.
- I'll see you later.

A wonderful guy. You weren't listening.

- 500. Take it or leave it.
- Six.

- Five.
- Louse.

(BUGLE FANFARE)

TANNOY: These are the entries
and the weights of the greyhounds.

- Number one, Princess...
- Hey, Tony!

Hey, buddy. Come on over here.
I'm glad you could make it.

It's good you didn't come with me.
I lost two races.

I think my dog is still running. The rabbit's
chasing him. Move over one, honey.

You know all these people? I want you
meet my oldest and best buddy, Tony.

Sit down. Take a load off your feet.

I'd introduce you to them, but I don't know
one name. Police chiefs, mayors...

What about the next race? Do you know
anything about these miserable beasts?

- What do you want to bet on?
- The red one.

- She's got a thing about red dogs. Hey!
- Yes, sir?

- How much you wanna bet, honey?
- 500.

- Here, $500 on the red one, number...?
- Six.

And here's 500 for me.
Same deal. How about you, Tone?

- Oh, yeah. I'll go 500.
- Attaboy.

It's a gas seeing you. I didn't know
you're alive, suddenly here you are.

Hey, Peanuts. Give my buddy a drink.
What are you doing here, vacationing?

- I told you, I'm in the hotel business.
- What's the matter with me?

- You were gonna talk to me about...
- Disneyland.

Right. That sounded like a real good idea.

TANNOY: Here comes Phoebe.

(CHEERING)

(CHEERING OBSCURES SPEECH)

(CHEERING)

This property down here
can be bought for dirt cheap.

- How cheap is dirt cheap?
- About five million.

- Is the race over? Who won?
- Number six!

- What have we got?
- Number six? That's us! That's our dog!

We had her, number six.

- Here is the result of this race.
- Look at the price she's gonna pay!

I bet you it's over 4,000 bucks apiece.

That's a lucky start.
That's what I like, a lucky partner.

- Shall I cash them in for you, sir?
- Yes, please.

- I gotta make a phone call. Be right back.
- If she's a blonde, tell her to come over.

- Hey, boss, is he bothering you?
- Oh, no, no, no. He's my buddy.

Here, go make a bet. Be happy.

Thanks, boss.

- Garden of Eden.
- That you, Ally? I got the money.

You got the money? Where?
From who? How'd you get it?

Never mind. Tell Uncle Mario. Call Abe
and tell him he can come and get it.

- Oh, boy, Pop.
- I told you our luck would change.

And that ain't all, kid.
When I get home, I'll give you the big one.

(MOUTHS)

You're a doll.

- Yahoo!
- FRED: Hey, Sally. Hey, Sally.

- Uncle Mario. Uncle Mario.
- Come in.

- Pop just called. He's got the money.
- He's got the money?

- Didn't I tell you he was a champ?
- How could he get it? From a stranger?

I don't know. He just said for me to tell
you and to call Mr Diamond to come over.

Boy, we're gonna celebrate. Fred!
Hurry up, we're gonna give a party.

- Give a party? Yippee.
- Buy some food.

- I'll use the laundry money.
- Invite all the guests.

I'll call Mr Diamond.
Boy, I'll invite Mrs Rogers. Hurry up.

The decorations are in the basement.

How can he do this to me? I came
down here to help him. I'm his brother.

- I should think you'd be glad he got it.
- What, from a stranger?

Oh, for heaven's sakes, Mario.
Take your bicarbonate. Honestly!

They'll build their own exhibits.
You got a thousand angles going.

Here you are, sir.

Look at all that cabbage.
There must be 5,000 bucks apiece here.

- What's the next race there, kid?
- Look at this dog. Lucky Ally.

I got a kid named Ally. I got a little boy.

- No kidding?
- What a hunch bet this is! Lucky Ally.

I tell you, when I get hot, I really get hot.
I'm red hot. Everything's coming my way.

- What do you say, kid? Let it ride?
- Sure, let it ride.

OK, take the bundle and let it ride
on number five. Lucky Ally, right?

The whole bundle, here you are.
Wait a minute. Tony, is that OK with you?

- OK, sure.
- Are you sure you can afford it?

- You kidding? It's only money.
- That's what I like to hear.

- Sweetie, we have to leave after this race.
- Is that all you can say, "We gotta leave"?

Can we go someplace
to discuss this proposition?

Yeah, sure. Let's go in the bar,
over a couple of drinks...

Spend a little time with your other guests.

You're supposed to arrange
with Mr Courtney about Acapulco.

Just give me a minute. I'll be right back.

Mr Courtney,
sorry I haven't had a chance...

Here you are, sir.

Let me have one more
and I'll never ask for anything again.

Here comes Speedy.

Come on, Ally. Stay up there, boy.

Don't quit now. Stay up there.
Don't run out of gas. Go for it.

We need you. Stay up there, boy.

Keep going, boy. Come on, Ally.
Stay up there.

Don't quit. Keep going, boy.
Come on, Ally, stay up there.

Don't quit. Don't quit...

It's only money, huh, meatball?

All right, honey, all right. Folks,
I gotta run, never have a minute to myself.

Lou, if you get to London, give me a call.
I'll leave it up to you, right?

Tony, it's been swell.
Wonderful to see you.

I'll be back this time next year.
We'll spend an evening together.

- Sweetie, come on.
- Wait a minute.

Listen, give Mendy my best, will you?

Here is the result of this race...

- What about the deal?
- What deal?

The Disneyland.

Oh, I wish you luck on that.
That's a real interesting idea.

- Wait a minute.
- Easy, boy.

- What, were you kidding me?
- The car is waiting.

- What's your problem?
- We were gonna go in this together.

First of all,
take your sweaty hands off my sleeve.

Thank you. Now, what were
we talking about? Disneyland?

Oh, yeah, that's a great idea. For Disney.

Wait a minute. What was all that baloney
about getting Disney on the telephone?

- Sweetie, are you coming or not?
- Just a minute.

Listen, kiddie, never try to promote a
promoter. You haven't got the knack for it.

But what am I gonna do? Throw you out?
You're my buddy. I like you.

I want you to level with me. You need
some dough? Go buy yourself a cigar.

Easy, easy. That's my buddy there.
See you around, buddy.

Get ready, everybody. He's coming.

That's enough, Mario.
You know how sick you get.

We gotta to celebrate. The champ!
He doesn't need his brother any more.

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

For he's a jolly good fellow

Which nobody can deny

Which nobody can deny
Which nobody can deny

For he's a jolly good fellow...

What's the matter, Pop?

Nothing, Ally. Where's Uncle Mario?

Jolly good fellow? Jolly good bum.

- (KNOCKING)
- Come in.

Well, come in, come in. The champ.

Blow the bugle. He wants to brag how
he got it. He wants us to turn blue again.

- Oh, Mario.
- All your life I took care of you.

Paid your loans, your operations, your
debts. Now you go to somebody else?

A perfect stranger.
You do this to your brother?

You know what Mama and Papa would say?

Who do you think you are? God?
Look at him.

Come on, Tony, sit down.

Tell us. What's the matter?

I lost the money and I lost the car.
I haven't got a dime.

Same old Tony.
Did you meet up with a tramp?

Oh, Mario, stop it.

Tony, what is it?

Sophie, Mario, I was wondering if...

Well, would you take Ally to live with you?

Ally? But he don't want to go with us.

I don't care what he wants.

And don't put me through a wringer,
Sophie. Not you.

You're absolutely right, Mario.
I'm nothing but a bum.

Never have been anything but a bum.
I had the money right in my hand.

Then I blew it to impress a guy
who knows me like a book.

Like you know me. Like everybody else
knows me, except me.

A cheap, chiselling, conniving bum.

I don't want Ally to be like that.
So take him with you.

What do you mean, you're a bum?
How can you be? You're my brother.

I can call you a bum. I can kill you.
You're so crazy, you're dri...

All right, so I make conditions when I help
you. Why? So you can be somebody.

But I always help you, don't I? You're
not a bum. Nobody in the family is a bum.

Mama and Papa, when they came here,
what did they have?

Rags on their backs.
But they worked hard. They made good.

You're part of them.
You're part of me, you no-good...

Why don't you stop being so crazy?

Mario, my foot is down. You go
right out there and pay Diamond the rent.

- Just throwing money down the drain.
- Well, what are you saving it for?

- Who you gonna leave it to? Julius?
- Julius...?

I said never again.

All right.

A little boy belongs with his papa.
You'll keep this place here.

You didn't hear me. I don't want handouts.

You need money, don't you? But
a cheque, not to you, only to Diamond.

Maybe he'll come down a little.

If you mention money again, I swear I'll...

I'm sorry, Mario.

Listen, I know what you've been to me.
Like a father, since I was a kid.

- Just do me one more favour.
- I got the chequebook in my hand.

Not that.

I want you to take Ally to live with you.

He's not like me. He's a good kid.
He needs a chance.

I won't go. I won't go.
You can't make me go.

Come here, son.

I think we better talk this over
like a couple of men.

I'm broke. I lost all the money.

- I can't even feed you.
- I don't care.

But tomorrow we may not
even have a place to sleep.

I don't care where we sleep.

Listen, I'm going on the road anyway.
You know me, I'm the champ.

I bounce back like that, right?
So go to New York and live with them.

If you don't like it, I'll put you in a military
school where you can wear those hats

with a strap under the chin
and look like a big general.

No, Pop, I don't wanna be a general.
I wanna be with you. You promised.

Please, Pop, don't send me away.
They don't need me. You need me.

(ALLY WEEPS)

Where'd you get the idea I need you?

I need you like I need a hole in the head.

How can I operate with you around?

I lost Shirl. I lost the hotel. I'm broke.

Only because I had you
on my back all the time.

That's why I couldn't operate.

So you go in there and pack your clothes.
I don't want you around anymore.

- Did you hear what I said?
- OK, I'll go.

But not with them.

Champ.

- Wait a minute, where you going?
- What do you care?

You listen to me. Do as I say.
Go with Uncle Mario.

No.

Ally, he's a little boy at 41 years old
and you're a grown man at 11.

But he loves you, Ally.
He really, truly loves you.

I'll never speak to him again
as long as I live.

You crazy roughneck bum.

ALLY: Fred, I'll miss you.

- Geronimo.
- Geronimo.

It was sweet of you to come and say
goodbye, Mrs Rogers. I really mean it.

Goodbye, Mrs Rogers.
It was very nice meeting you.

Goodbye, Ally.

You cry if you want to.

Come on, now, Ally. Get in the cab.

Mario! Where is he?

You're gonna like it in New York.

We'll give you everything.
Ally, please don't worry.

Yeah, don't worry, Ally.
We'll give you everything.

Fine. Great.
Who's worried about my brother?

- He didn't even say goodbye.
- Goodbye to what? Did you see him?

Tony, my big-shot brother,
standing behind the tree,

watching his son leave him.

What's gonna happen to him?

ALLY: Pop! Pop!

Pop! Pop!

Pop!

Pop! No, Pop. Pop!

Pop, no! Pop!

Pop!

Pop!

No, Pop, please!

Please, Pop, don't make me go.
I won't be a nag.

You won't even know I'm around.
Please, Pop, don't make me go, please.

(ALLY WEEPS) Please, Pop.

For $1 million. First light heavyweight
to hold three crowns?

- For $1 million?
- For $1 million.

- Greta Garbo.
- That's corr... Why, you!

(THEY LAUGH)

- What are they doing?
- How would you know?

Did you play with your sons
one day in your life?

Play with who, Julius?

- Save me, Mrs Rogers, save me.
- (SHE LAUGHS)

Hey, I've got an idea. I just happen
to have three lamb chops at home.

- How about it?
- You got yourself a deal, Eloise.

- Eloise?
- Oh, shut up, nag.

You know that property for a Disneyland?
It's right there. Buy it for a song.

- For he's got...
- High hopes...

The poor things,
they're so happy and so poor.

No, Sophie. Broke, yes,
but they're not poor. We're poor.

Come on, you'll cry later.
The meter's running.

The meter's running, so what?
What do I care?

I could buy you and a hundred meters.

- Let's take a vacation.
- A vacation? What about the store?

Julius is in the store.

- We haven't had a vacation for ten years!
- Oh, Tony! Wait for us, will you?

Geronimo! Tony!

Oops, there goes another problem
Kerplop

Oops, there goes another problem, kerplop

Oops, there goes another problem
Kerplop

Kerplop!