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1
00:00:13,999 --> 00:00:15,999
(male announcer)
Next is a Bravo scripted
original series.
2
00:00:16,999 --> 00:00:17,999
Babe, I'm buggin'.
3
00:00:17,999 --> 00:00:19,999
Today at pickup,
we were, like,
4
00:00:19,999 --> 00:00:21,999
the only people who
hadn't heard from schools
5
00:00:21,999 --> 00:00:22,999
to set up
the interviews.
6
00:00:22,999 --> 00:00:24,999
Should I call
to check in?
7
00:00:24,999 --> 00:00:26,999
No, you've got to stop thinking
about school applications.
8
00:00:26,999 --> 00:00:28,999
Live your life, honey.
9
00:00:28,999 --> 00:00:30,999
Maybe stop sleeping with
the phone between your boobs.
10
00:00:30,999 --> 00:00:31,999
But what if
I miss the call?
11
00:00:31,999 --> 00:00:32,999
I heard about this woman
12
00:00:32,999 --> 00:00:34,999
who missed the call
from St. Sebastian's,
13
00:00:34,999 --> 00:00:36,999
wound up in
hellish phone tag,
14
00:00:36,999 --> 00:00:38,999
and now her daughter's
a Knicks City Dancer.
15
00:00:38,999 --> 00:00:40,999
[phone rings]
16
00:00:40,999 --> 00:00:41,999
Landline!
Landline!
17
00:00:41,999 --> 00:00:43,999
Okay, okay.
18
00:00:45,999 --> 00:00:47,999
[phone beeps]
- Hello?
19
00:00:47,999 --> 00:00:48,999
Oh, that's exciting.
20
00:00:48,999 --> 00:00:50,999
Interview Friday, yes.
21
00:00:50,999 --> 00:00:55,999
That's fine.
Great. Thank you.
22
00:00:55,999 --> 00:00:56,999
What school?
What time?
23
00:00:56,999 --> 00:00:58,999
It wasn't school.
24
00:00:58,999 --> 00:00:59,999
It's a cemetery.
25
00:00:59,999 --> 00:01:00,999
What?
26
00:01:00,999 --> 00:01:02,999
It's this fancy
application-only cemetery,
27
00:01:02,999 --> 00:01:03,999
Greenacres Park.
28
00:01:03,999 --> 00:01:06,999
You have to apply
to a cemetery?
29
00:01:06,999 --> 00:01:07,999
Mom's been obsessed
with it for years.
30
00:01:07,999 --> 00:01:10,999
They just booted a few more
of the Madoffs,
31
00:01:10,999 --> 00:01:12,999
so now we have a chance
of getting off the wait list.
32
00:01:12,999 --> 00:01:14,999
As if getting into the right
kindergarten weren't enough,
33
00:01:14,999 --> 00:01:16,999
now I have to get
into the right worm buffet?
34
00:01:16,999 --> 00:01:17,999
Honey, my family's
still pissed
35
00:01:17,999 --> 00:01:19,999
that we didn't put the "Von"
back into our name.
36
00:01:19,999 --> 00:01:21,999
We are in the dog house.
37
00:01:21,999 --> 00:01:22,999
We're in
the maison du chien?
38
00:01:22,999 --> 00:01:23,999
Oui.
39
00:01:23,999 --> 00:01:25,999
So just get on board
40
00:01:25,999 --> 00:01:27,999
and come to this
interview tomorrow.
41
00:01:27,999 --> 00:01:29,999
Okay, I will be there,
42
00:01:29,999 --> 00:01:30,999
and I will kill it.
43
00:01:30,999 --> 00:01:33,999
Please don't kill anything.
Just be yourself...
44
00:01:33,999 --> 00:01:36,999
on Xanax.
45
00:01:36,999 --> 00:01:38,999
♪♪ Hey, yes, you know ♪♪
46
00:01:38,999 --> 00:01:42,999
♪♪ I'm feeling fine,
I'm feeling fine ♪♪
47
00:01:42,999 --> 00:01:45,999
(Cardiff)
Let me ask you something, Doc.
48
00:01:45,999 --> 00:01:46,999
How old are you?
49
00:01:46,999 --> 00:01:48,999
- 39 and change.
- Mm.
50
00:01:48,999 --> 00:01:49,999
You got kids?
51
00:01:49,999 --> 00:01:51,999
No, and I can
save you the trouble.
52
00:01:51,999 --> 00:01:53,999
My best friend's always on me
to freeze my eggs.
53
00:01:53,999 --> 00:01:55,999
I have cobwebs
on my uterus.
54
00:01:55,999 --> 00:01:57,999
No, don't do it.
55
00:01:57,999 --> 00:01:58,999
Kids take.
They use.
56
00:01:58,999 --> 00:02:01,999
They filch the joy
out of your life.
57
00:02:01,999 --> 00:02:02,999
Really?
58
00:02:02,999 --> 00:02:05,999
But your children seem
so devoted to you.
59
00:02:05,999 --> 00:02:07,999
Ah, they're sharks
circling for chum.
60
00:02:07,999 --> 00:02:09,999
Ingrates, every one of them.
61
00:02:09,999 --> 00:02:11,999
I dropped out of school
in the eighth grade
62
00:02:11,999 --> 00:02:13,999
to support my family
and never stopped.
63
00:02:13,999 --> 00:02:16,999
My kids, they've found
their passions.
64
00:02:16,999 --> 00:02:19,999
Find yours.
See the world.
65
00:02:19,999 --> 00:02:21,999
You mean there's a world
outside this hospital?
66
00:02:21,999 --> 00:02:23,999
[laughing]
67
00:02:23,999 --> 00:02:25,999
You're funny, Doc.
68
00:02:25,999 --> 00:02:27,999
You're like the child
I wish I never had.
69
00:02:27,999 --> 00:02:29,999
[chuckles]
70
00:02:29,999 --> 00:02:32,999
Make me a promise.
71
00:02:32,999 --> 00:02:33,999
Come to my wake.
72
00:02:34,000 --> 00:02:36,000
Mr. Cardiff,
you're not dying.
73
00:02:35,999 --> 00:02:36,999
I've hung out
with a lot of people
74
00:02:36,999 --> 00:02:38,999
right at the end,
and trust me--
75
00:02:38,999 --> 00:02:41,999
[flatline]
76
00:02:41,999 --> 00:02:43,999
Oh, [bleep].
77
00:02:51,999 --> 00:02:54,999
What's going on, Paul?
I'm kind of swamped here.
78
00:02:54,999 --> 00:02:55,999
Here's the thing.
79
00:02:55,999 --> 00:02:58,999
Emily quit 'cause
she didn't make partner.
80
00:02:58,999 --> 00:03:00,999
I was afraid of that.
She's a friend of mine.
81
00:03:00,999 --> 00:03:01,999
Well, she was pissed.
82
00:03:01,999 --> 00:03:03,999
You should have heard her
on the way out.
83
00:03:03,999 --> 00:03:05,999
Glass ceiling this,
Hillary Clinton that.
84
00:03:05,999 --> 00:03:06,999
Cone of silence--
85
00:03:06,999 --> 00:03:08,999
I think she's going
through early menopause.
86
00:03:08,999 --> 00:03:10,999
Paul, she's, like, 35.
87
00:03:10,999 --> 00:03:11,999
I know.
It's a shame.
88
00:03:11,999 --> 00:03:13,999
Anyway, she's filing
89
00:03:13,999 --> 00:03:16,999
a sexual-discrimination suit
against the firm,
90
00:03:16,999 --> 00:03:17,999
which is weird,
91
00:03:17,999 --> 00:03:19,999
'cause she's not even hot.
92
00:03:19,999 --> 00:03:21,999
We thought you
could handle our defense
93
00:03:21,999 --> 00:03:23,999
because you know
her weaknesses.
94
00:03:23,999 --> 00:03:25,999
Really sink your teeth
into her neck
95
00:03:25,999 --> 00:03:27,999
and just start
shaking and shaking
96
00:03:27,999 --> 00:03:31,999
and shaking,
until she's dead...
97
00:03:31,999 --> 00:03:32,999
legally speaking.
98
00:03:36,999 --> 00:03:38,999
And the best part
is that this cemetery
99
00:03:38,999 --> 00:03:41,999
requires ten letters
of recommendation.
100
00:03:41,999 --> 00:03:43,999
"Ten"?
Come on.
101
00:03:43,999 --> 00:03:45,999
That say what?
102
00:03:45,999 --> 00:03:49,999
"I've never known a family
to decompose with more grace."
103
00:03:49,999 --> 00:03:50,999
"Their offspring
will only leave
104
00:03:50,999 --> 00:03:52,999
the most stylish
flower arrangements."
105
00:03:52,999 --> 00:03:55,999
"They won't slide open
their coffin tops
106
00:03:55,999 --> 00:04:00,999
and rise up to perform
Thriller choreography."
107
00:04:02,999 --> 00:04:04,999
Hey-hee!
108
00:04:04,999 --> 00:04:05,999
Death must be trending.
109
00:04:05,999 --> 00:04:07,999
Tomorrow I have
my very first wake.
110
00:04:07,999 --> 00:04:09,999
Mazel tov.
Who croaked?
111
00:04:09,999 --> 00:04:11,999
This amazing old guy
112
00:04:11,999 --> 00:04:13,999
who practically died
in my arms yesterday.
113
00:04:13,999 --> 00:04:15,999
How Juliette Binoche.
114
00:04:15,999 --> 00:04:17,999
Since when do you
bond enough with patients
115
00:04:17,999 --> 00:04:18,999
to go to their wake?
116
00:04:18,999 --> 00:04:19,999
This guy was special.
117
00:04:19,999 --> 00:04:20,999
And get a load
of his name--
118
00:04:20,999 --> 00:04:23,999
Pendleton Rutledge Cardiff IV.
119
00:04:23,999 --> 00:04:25,999
PRC4 died in your arms?
120
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,999
His obit was, like,
half a page
121
00:04:27,999 --> 00:04:29,999
in the New York Times,
above the fold.
122
00:04:29,999 --> 00:04:31,999
He's "maje."
123
00:04:31,999 --> 00:04:33,999
He's like the Rockefeller
of our day.
124
00:04:33,999 --> 00:04:34,999
I bet you a million bucks
125
00:04:34,999 --> 00:04:37,999
he's RIP-ing
at Greenacres Park.
126
00:04:37,999 --> 00:04:39,999
I have to admit,
being there right when he died
127
00:04:39,999 --> 00:04:40,999
kind of got to me.
128
00:04:40,999 --> 00:04:42,999
It made me think
seriously about--
129
00:04:42,999 --> 00:04:43,999
Hijacking some sperm?
130
00:04:44,000 --> 00:04:46,000
The opposite, actually.
131
00:04:45,999 --> 00:04:47,999
He's the first person
I've ever heard say
132
00:04:47,999 --> 00:04:49,999
he regretted having kids.
133
00:04:49,999 --> 00:04:50,999
Said they were
basically parasites
134
00:04:50,999 --> 00:04:51,999
who sucked
all the time, energy,
135
00:04:52,000 --> 00:04:54,000
and joy out of his life.
136
00:04:53,999 --> 00:04:54,999
He is dead to me.
137
00:04:54,999 --> 00:04:57,999
Well, he's dead, so...
138
00:04:57,999 --> 00:05:00,999
The point is,
I work and I watch TV.
139
00:05:00,999 --> 00:05:02,999
I jog and have
sex occasionally.
140
00:05:02,999 --> 00:05:04,999
What are my passions?
141
00:05:04,999 --> 00:05:05,999
See, the thing
about having kids is,
142
00:05:06,000 --> 00:05:08,000
you don't have to worry
143
00:05:07,999 --> 00:05:08,999
about stupid stuff
like passions.
144
00:05:09,000 --> 00:05:11,000
[chuckles]
145
00:05:10,999 --> 00:05:11,999
Okay, what's on
your bucket list,
146
00:05:11,999 --> 00:05:13,999
aside from banging
Viggo Mortensen
147
00:05:13,999 --> 00:05:15,999
in his full
Lord of the Rings outfit?
148
00:05:15,999 --> 00:05:17,999
I don't know.
149
00:05:17,999 --> 00:05:19,999
I used to be
kind of outdoorsy.
150
00:05:19,999 --> 00:05:21,999
When, in a previous life?
151
00:05:21,999 --> 00:05:23,999
- Oh, my God, tater war!
- [laughs]
152
00:05:23,999 --> 00:05:25,999
Okay, I've got to
drop off the kids,
153
00:05:25,999 --> 00:05:27,999
get gussied up
for my corpse interview,
154
00:05:27,999 --> 00:05:29,999
so we need to get
the Czechoslovakia.
155
00:05:37,999 --> 00:05:39,999
(Jill)
Okay, guys, we're gonna be late!
156
00:05:42,999 --> 00:05:43,999
Love you, have fun.
157
00:05:43,999 --> 00:05:45,999
(Miles)
Happy birthday, BJ!
158
00:05:45,999 --> 00:05:47,999
Thanks, Marisa.
I'll see you in two hours?
159
00:05:47,999 --> 00:05:48,999
No, it's not drop-off.
160
00:05:48,999 --> 00:05:49,999
But, yes, it is.
161
00:05:49,999 --> 00:05:51,999
I double-checked
my Paperless Post.
162
00:05:51,999 --> 00:05:52,999
It said drop-off.
163
00:05:52,999 --> 00:05:53,999
No, not for people
with twins
164
00:05:53,999 --> 00:05:55,999
or kids who have
too much screen time.
165
00:05:55,999 --> 00:05:57,999
And, well, let's face it,
you kind of cover both.
166
00:05:57,999 --> 00:05:59,999
Have some pizza.
167
00:05:59,999 --> 00:06:01,999
It has no crust,
no sauce, no dairy.
168
00:06:01,999 --> 00:06:03,999
Right, sure, I just have
this thing I cannot miss,
169
00:06:03,999 --> 00:06:04,999
- and I didn't realize--
- Stop it, BJ!
170
00:06:04,999 --> 00:06:08,999
Byron James, you get your head
out of her crotch now!
171
00:06:10,000 --> 00:06:13,000
Hey, you're Jill, right?
172
00:06:12,999 --> 00:06:13,999
- Yes.
- Rima.
173
00:06:13,999 --> 00:06:15,999
Hi. You were on the Dalton tour
with me this spring.
174
00:06:15,999 --> 00:06:17,999
Yeah, and Trinity, I think.
175
00:06:17,999 --> 00:06:21,999
So have those schools called you
to set up the interviews yet?
176
00:06:21,999 --> 00:06:22,999
Sorry.
Don't answer that.
177
00:06:22,999 --> 00:06:24,999
I'm trying to stay
as sane as possible
178
00:06:24,999 --> 00:06:26,999
through this process.
179
00:06:26,999 --> 00:06:27,999
But did they?
180
00:06:27,999 --> 00:06:30,999
Yes, but don't worry.
They'll call.
181
00:06:30,999 --> 00:06:32,999
And I'm happy
to watch the twins.
182
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,000
Henry's cousin taught him
to "whip it out" last week,
183
00:06:35,999 --> 00:06:37,999
so I'm not going anywhere.
184
00:06:37,999 --> 00:06:39,999
You are a goddess
among mortals.
185
00:06:39,999 --> 00:06:40,999
Can I give you my cell?
186
00:06:51,999 --> 00:06:53,999
Only Highgate Cemetery
in London
187
00:06:53,999 --> 00:06:54,999
competes with Greenacres.
188
00:06:54,999 --> 00:06:57,999
The Parliament even consulted us
when they were expanding.
189
00:06:57,999 --> 00:06:58,999
[banging]
190
00:06:58,999 --> 00:06:59,999
I am so sorry.
191
00:06:59,999 --> 00:07:02,999
Oh, my God,
the subway took "forevskis,"
192
00:07:02,999 --> 00:07:03,999
and then these tourists
stopped me
193
00:07:03,999 --> 00:07:04,999
to ask for directions,
194
00:07:04,999 --> 00:07:06,999
and it turned into
this whole therapy sesh
195
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:11,000
about their Airbnb.
196
00:07:10,999 --> 00:07:11,999
What, did I say
something bad?
197
00:07:13,999 --> 00:07:14,999
Oh.
198
00:07:14,999 --> 00:07:17,999
Sorry.
Please continue.
199
00:07:18,999 --> 00:07:20,999
[clears throat]
As I was saying,
200
00:07:20,999 --> 00:07:22,999
our grounds hold some
of the most legendary
201
00:07:22,999 --> 00:07:23,999
members of society--
202
00:07:23,999 --> 00:07:26,999
heads of state,
Barney...of Barney's,
203
00:07:26,999 --> 00:07:29,999
Sunny von Bulow, poor dear.
204
00:07:29,999 --> 00:07:31,999
Most of our aboveground
monuments are made of limestone,
205
00:07:31,999 --> 00:07:35,999
but there is one
that is one continuous piece
206
00:07:35,999 --> 00:07:36,999
of black granite.
207
00:07:39,999 --> 00:07:41,999
Honey, put that away,
please.
208
00:07:41,999 --> 00:07:42,999
I can't.
209
00:07:42,999 --> 00:07:43,999
I have no bars here,
210
00:07:43,999 --> 00:07:45,999
and I need to be available
in case schools call.
211
00:07:45,999 --> 00:07:47,999
They still
haven't called?
212
00:07:47,999 --> 00:07:48,999
Yikes.
213
00:07:48,999 --> 00:07:50,999
Our proximity
to a natural spring
214
00:07:50,999 --> 00:07:54,999
makes for a year-round
verdant heath.
215
00:07:54,999 --> 00:07:56,999
Sorry.
I'm completely listening.
216
00:07:56,999 --> 00:07:58,999
I just--I'm trying
to find some bars.
217
00:07:58,999 --> 00:08:01,999
I'm expecting an urgent call--
or 14, actually.
218
00:08:01,999 --> 00:08:04,999
Ah, this is good.
Okay, continue.
219
00:08:04,999 --> 00:08:07,999
We have unmatched maintenance
for our landscape design.
220
00:08:07,999 --> 00:08:10,999
Pigeons are kept at bay
by a red-tailed fox--
221
00:08:10,999 --> 00:08:12,999
[bluesy ringtone]
222
00:08:12,999 --> 00:08:14,999
Oh, sorry, this will
just take a sec.
223
00:08:14,999 --> 00:08:16,999
- Hello?
- Hey, Jill.
224
00:08:16,999 --> 00:08:18,999
He's totally fine,
225
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:20,999
but Miles
broke his glasses,
226
00:08:20,999 --> 00:08:21,999
and now he's bawling.
227
00:08:21,999 --> 00:08:23,999
Oh, my God,
how did they break?
228
00:08:23,999 --> 00:08:25,999
Wait. Miles doesn't
even wear glasses.
229
00:08:25,999 --> 00:08:27,999
He doesn't?
230
00:08:27,999 --> 00:08:29,999
No, he's in a white T
with blue sleeves.
231
00:08:29,999 --> 00:08:30,999
Oh, I've been watching
the wrong kid.
232
00:08:30,999 --> 00:08:32,999
I see him now.
233
00:08:32,999 --> 00:08:33,999
He's picking his nose.
He's fine.
234
00:08:33,999 --> 00:08:35,999
- Thanks.
- Honey, sit down.
235
00:08:35,999 --> 00:08:37,999
Sorry.
Continue.
236
00:08:37,999 --> 00:08:39,999
So, if you were to be accepted,
237
00:08:39,999 --> 00:08:42,999
five available plots are here
on the grassy knoll.
238
00:08:42,999 --> 00:08:46,999
The other eight are across
the glen at the ocean's edge,
239
00:08:46,999 --> 00:08:48,999
with a view of the sunset
and the horizon.
240
00:08:48,999 --> 00:08:50,999
(Candace)
Magnificent.
241
00:08:50,999 --> 00:08:52,999
- That's exquisite.
- That would be beautiful.
242
00:08:52,999 --> 00:08:54,999
But .we're dead, right?
243
00:09:03,999 --> 00:09:05,999
(man)
Come on, Vanessa,
keep pushing!
244
00:09:05,999 --> 00:09:07,999
- Keep pushing!
- [shouts]
245
00:09:07,999 --> 00:09:09,999
You're almost
at the top.
246
00:09:09,999 --> 00:09:12,999
You got one more step.
Come on.
247
00:09:12,999 --> 00:09:14,999
[Vanessa shouts]
248
00:09:14,999 --> 00:09:15,999
Oh, my God!
249
00:09:15,999 --> 00:09:16,999
I did it!
250
00:09:16,999 --> 00:09:18,999
Whoo-hoo!
251
00:09:20,999 --> 00:09:22,999
Now what?
252
00:09:22,999 --> 00:09:24,999
Well, you come down.
253
00:09:24,999 --> 00:09:25,999
Oh.
254
00:09:25,999 --> 00:09:27,999
So what'd I come
up here for?
255
00:09:27,999 --> 00:09:29,999
The experience?
256
00:09:29,999 --> 00:09:30,999
Oh.
257
00:09:32,999 --> 00:09:34,999
Pricey experience.
258
00:09:34,999 --> 00:09:38,999
In one scenario,
the plain Webers
259
00:09:38,999 --> 00:09:40,999
would rest here
on the grassy knoll,
260
00:09:40,999 --> 00:09:44,999
and the Von Webers,
party of eight,
261
00:09:44,999 --> 00:09:46,999
would be laid by the ocean.
262
00:09:46,999 --> 00:09:48,999
Wait.
Why would there be eight?
263
00:09:48,999 --> 00:09:51,999
Well, naturally,
one for my unborn granddaughter,
264
00:09:51,999 --> 00:09:53,999
whose name I'm not
allowed to know.
265
00:09:53,999 --> 00:09:56,999
Apparently,
it's a big state secret.
266
00:09:56,999 --> 00:09:58,999
Right, but that still leaves
one extra plot.
267
00:09:58,999 --> 00:10:00,999
Then it's
for my future husband,
268
00:10:00,999 --> 00:10:02,999
unknown as he may be
at this moment.
269
00:10:02,999 --> 00:10:03,999
What?
270
00:10:03,999 --> 00:10:05,999
Dad would be devastated
if you remarried.
271
00:10:05,999 --> 00:10:09,999
Your father lost his vote
the day he decided to go
272
00:10:09,999 --> 00:10:10,999
on the great white shark
expedition.
273
00:10:10,999 --> 00:10:12,999
[bluesy ringtone]
274
00:10:12,999 --> 00:10:14,999
(Jill)
I'm sorry.
275
00:10:14,999 --> 00:10:15,999
Hello?
276
00:10:15,999 --> 00:10:16,999
(Rima)
Okay, so...
277
00:10:16,999 --> 00:10:19,999
now real Miles
has a bloody nose.
278
00:10:19,999 --> 00:10:22,999
I wouldn't have called,
but it's like a tsunami.
279
00:10:22,999 --> 00:10:24,999
He bled all over BJ,
and now he's soaking.
280
00:10:24,999 --> 00:10:26,999
Oh, my God,
BJ's soaking?
281
00:10:26,999 --> 00:10:28,999
Okay, this happens sometimes.
282
00:10:28,999 --> 00:10:31,999
Just take a tampon,
cut it in half lengthwise,
283
00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:34,999
and shove it up there.
284
00:10:34,999 --> 00:10:35,999
I'm on my way.
285
00:10:35,999 --> 00:10:38,999
Would you please forgive us
for these hideous interruptions?
286
00:10:38,999 --> 00:10:39,999
So sorry.
287
00:10:39,999 --> 00:10:41,999
it's 4:30, and I didn't budget
for this colossal schlep.
288
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:44,999
My kids are at a party.
There's a bloody nose.
289
00:10:44,999 --> 00:10:46,999
So it's really been
a pleasure.
290
00:10:46,999 --> 00:10:47,999
Just dump my bones
anywhere.
291
00:10:47,999 --> 00:10:50,999
I'm easy.
Okay. Bye-bye!
292
00:10:55,999 --> 00:10:56,999
I am so, so sorry.
293
00:10:56,999 --> 00:10:59,999
They are charging me $15
for every minute of overtime,
294
00:10:59,999 --> 00:11:00,999
and you are
42 minutes late.
295
00:11:00,999 --> 00:11:01,999
(man)
43
296
00:11:02,000 --> 00:11:04,000
I am going
to reimburse you.
297
00:11:03,999 --> 00:11:06,999
Oh, my God,
I am so mortified.
298
00:11:06,999 --> 00:11:09,999
Wait, how much is--
So math is not my strong suit.
299
00:11:09,999 --> 00:11:12,999
Okay, do you take
frozen yogurt cards?
300
00:11:12,999 --> 00:11:14,999
It's only one more stamp,
and then you get a free medium,
301
00:11:14,999 --> 00:11:15,999
two toppings.
302
00:11:15,999 --> 00:11:17,999
Okay, I'm gonna
give you a check.
303
00:11:17,999 --> 00:11:18,999
Take your kids and leave.
304
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:20,000
[bluesy ringtone]
305
00:11:20,000 --> 00:11:21,000
Okay.
Wait, my phone!
306
00:11:21,000 --> 00:11:23,000
My phone!
My phone, sorry.
307
00:11:22,999 --> 00:11:23,999
It's a school!
308
00:11:23,999 --> 00:11:24,999
Oh, my God.
309
00:11:24,999 --> 00:11:26,999
Hello?
310
00:11:26,999 --> 00:11:28,999
Yes, this is she.
311
00:11:28,999 --> 00:11:30,999
Yes.
312
00:11:30,999 --> 00:11:31,999
No, that is not
your present!
313
00:11:31,999 --> 00:11:32,999
Sorry. Shh.
314
00:11:32,999 --> 00:11:35,999
- Are you kidding me?
- Terrific, thank you.
315
00:11:35,999 --> 00:11:36,999
Thanks.
Bye.
316
00:11:36,999 --> 00:11:39,999
Okay.
I am so sorry.
317
00:11:39,999 --> 00:11:40,999
[bluesy ringtone]
318
00:11:40,999 --> 00:11:41,999
Oh, my God,
another school.
319
00:11:41,999 --> 00:11:42,999
Sorry.
When it rains, it pours.
320
00:11:42,999 --> 00:11:44,999
Hello?
321
00:11:44,999 --> 00:11:47,999
Yes, wonderful.
Thank you so much.
322
00:11:47,999 --> 00:11:49,999
Bye-bye.
323
00:11:49,999 --> 00:11:50,999
I'm so sorry.
324
00:11:50,999 --> 00:11:51,999
Just go.
325
00:11:51,999 --> 00:11:53,999
Okay, guys.
Oh, my God, you poor thing.
326
00:11:53,999 --> 00:11:56,999
Okay, bye.
Thanks so much for having us.
327
00:11:56,999 --> 00:11:57,999
Say thanks.
328
00:11:57,999 --> 00:11:59,999
Okay, bye.
329
00:12:02,999 --> 00:12:04,999
Babe!
All 14 schools called.
330
00:12:04,999 --> 00:12:06,999
At the same time,
but still,
331
00:12:06,999 --> 00:12:07,999
all of our
interviews are set.
332
00:12:08,000 --> 00:12:11,000
I can finally rejoin
normal civilization.
333
00:12:12,999 --> 00:12:13,999
What?
334
00:12:13,999 --> 00:12:15,999
We got rejected
from Greenacres Park.
335
00:12:15,999 --> 00:12:17,999
You're kidding.
336
00:12:17,999 --> 00:12:20,999
But we were talking coffin
locations and everything.
337
00:12:20,999 --> 00:12:21,999
Did they say why?
338
00:12:21,999 --> 00:12:25,999
Well, I don't want
to point any fingers, but...
339
00:12:25,999 --> 00:12:26,999
- Me?
- Yeah, you.
340
00:12:26,999 --> 00:12:30,999
You literally crazied
our family out of a grave.
341
00:12:30,999 --> 00:12:32,999
And I know you don't care,
342
00:12:32,999 --> 00:12:34,999
but I had to listen
to my mother go on
343
00:12:34,999 --> 00:12:37,999
and on and on about how--
"No, just roll her up
344
00:12:37,999 --> 00:12:40,999
in a Persian rug and dump her
over the side of a ship."
345
00:12:40,999 --> 00:12:42,999
Babe, I'm so sorry.
346
00:12:42,999 --> 00:12:44,999
I really am.
347
00:12:44,999 --> 00:12:47,999
Are you okay?
348
00:12:47,999 --> 00:12:49,999
I'm just frustrated
about other things.
349
00:12:49,999 --> 00:12:52,999
I mean, I finally
make partner, and I think,
350
00:12:52,999 --> 00:12:54,999
"Oh, it's gonna be this great,
life-changing thing."
351
00:12:54,999 --> 00:12:55,999
And for what?
352
00:12:55,999 --> 00:12:56,999
So I can work even harder,
353
00:12:56,999 --> 00:12:58,999
see you guys even less,
354
00:12:58,999 --> 00:13:00,999
till we're all dead,
lying on the grassy knoll,
355
00:13:01,000 --> 00:13:04,000
not looking over the ocean.
356
00:13:03,999 --> 00:13:06,999
Except we're not gonna be
in the grassy knoll, right?
357
00:13:06,999 --> 00:13:08,999
'Cause we got rejected.
358
00:13:08,999 --> 00:13:10,999
Well, wherever we end up,
359
00:13:10,999 --> 00:13:12,999
probably that cemetery
over by JFK,
360
00:13:12,999 --> 00:13:14,999
we'll be dead.
361
00:13:14,999 --> 00:13:16,999
I will have written
a lot of legal briefs,
362
00:13:16,999 --> 00:13:17,999
the end.
363
00:13:17,999 --> 00:13:19,999
Okay, you're under a lot
of pressure right now,
364
00:13:19,999 --> 00:13:22,999
but I am going to fix this
Greenacres Park thing, okay?
365
00:13:22,999 --> 00:13:23,999
Hand to God.
366
00:13:23,999 --> 00:13:25,999
No, put your hand down.
367
00:13:25,999 --> 00:13:26,999
Do not do anything else.
368
00:13:26,999 --> 00:13:28,999
Please.
369
00:13:28,999 --> 00:13:32,999
Sure.
370
00:13:32,999 --> 00:13:36,999
[opera music playing]
371
00:13:36,999 --> 00:13:39,999
[cell phone ringing]
372
00:13:39,999 --> 00:13:41,999
[gasps]
373
00:13:41,999 --> 00:13:42,999
See this?
374
00:13:42,999 --> 00:13:45,999
Took me two hours to make.
375
00:13:45,999 --> 00:13:47,999
I don't think
cooking's my hobby.
376
00:13:47,999 --> 00:13:48,999
Still, impressed.
377
00:13:49,000 --> 00:13:52,000
Okay, so I know
you hate death,
378
00:13:51,999 --> 00:13:53,999
so I'm going to come with you
to that wake tomorrow.
379
00:13:53,999 --> 00:13:54,999
I don't hate death.
380
00:13:54,999 --> 00:13:56,999
I deal with it every day.
381
00:13:56,999 --> 00:13:57,999
Okay, fine!
382
00:13:57,999 --> 00:13:58,999
I screwed up
the cemetery thing,
383
00:13:58,999 --> 00:14:00,999
and now I have to gargle
this old guy's balls
384
00:14:00,999 --> 00:14:01,999
to change his mind.
385
00:14:01,999 --> 00:14:03,999
[gargling]
386
00:14:03,999 --> 00:14:04,999
Exactly.
387
00:14:04,999 --> 00:14:06,999
I can't give Andy's family
one more reason to hate me.
388
00:14:06,999 --> 00:14:09,999
Yeah, they really
don't like you.
389
00:14:09,999 --> 00:14:10,999
It's a shame.
390
00:14:10,999 --> 00:14:14,999
Anyway, I discovered,
thanks to dateanundertaker.com,
391
00:14:14,999 --> 00:14:16,999
that Cornelius Hollingsworth III
392
00:14:16,999 --> 00:14:19,999
is a founding member of
the Three Chocolatiers--yum--
393
00:14:19,999 --> 00:14:22,999
and also is really into bridge
and Japanese koi.
394
00:14:22,999 --> 00:14:24,999
Okay, what
are you going to do,
395
00:14:24,999 --> 00:14:26,999
ambush this old dude
with a tank of fish?
396
00:14:26,999 --> 00:14:27,999
Jill?
397
00:14:27,999 --> 00:14:28,999
I'm thinking.
398
00:14:28,999 --> 00:14:29,999
That's pretty good.
399
00:14:29,999 --> 00:14:32,999
Do you still have that friend
with the pickup truck?
400
00:14:32,999 --> 00:14:33,999
Really, the nicest thing
you could do for the guy
401
00:14:33,999 --> 00:14:36,999
would be to get him
new hobbies.
402
00:14:36,999 --> 00:14:38,999
See you tamale.
403
00:14:38,999 --> 00:14:39,999
[smooches]
404
00:14:42,999 --> 00:14:45,999
[cell phone ringing]
405
00:14:47,999 --> 00:14:49,999
- Hey, Lex.
- Aloha, bro-ha.
406
00:14:49,999 --> 00:14:50,999
Where are you?
407
00:14:50,999 --> 00:14:52,999
I'm coming to pick you up.
408
00:14:52,999 --> 00:14:53,999
Your building
has a pier, right?
409
00:14:53,999 --> 00:14:55,999
No, we're pretty much
landlocked.
410
00:14:55,999 --> 00:14:57,999
Some of us
actually work, Lex.
411
00:14:57,999 --> 00:15:00,999
You are wasting your life
at that white-shoe law firm.
412
00:15:00,999 --> 00:15:01,999
You should come work
for Hercules, dude.
413
00:15:01,999 --> 00:15:05,999
Look, I'm not even
wearing shoes today.
414
00:15:05,999 --> 00:15:06,999
You got to clip
your toenails.
415
00:15:06,999 --> 00:15:08,999
I'm serious.
416
00:15:08,999 --> 00:15:09,999
We're researching
all kinds of new markets.
417
00:15:09,999 --> 00:15:13,999
Did you know there's literally
no Chipotles in Mexico?
418
00:15:13,999 --> 00:15:14,999
I don't want to live in a world
where a Mexican
419
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:18,000
can't get an ecologically
sustainable burrito, do you?
420
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:20,000
I'm hanging up now, Lex.
421
00:15:19,999 --> 00:15:20,999
Seriously,
just think about it, man.
422
00:15:20,999 --> 00:15:22,999
It'd be fun.
423
00:15:22,999 --> 00:15:25,999
Life's too short.
424
00:15:28,999 --> 00:15:31,999
[organ music]
425
00:15:34,999 --> 00:15:36,999
Is that a wax--
Oh, my God.
426
00:15:36,999 --> 00:15:38,999
Oh, my God,
it's a person.
427
00:15:38,999 --> 00:15:40,999
It's him.
It's Cardiff.
428
00:15:40,999 --> 00:15:41,999
What is happening?
429
00:15:42,000 --> 00:15:44,000
Oh, I read about this.
430
00:15:43,999 --> 00:15:45,999
It's a whole thing,
living wakes.
431
00:15:45,999 --> 00:15:47,999
It's like human taxidermy.
432
00:15:47,999 --> 00:15:49,999
I thought you said
he didn't have any hobbies.
433
00:15:49,999 --> 00:15:52,999
(Mrs. Cardiff)
Oh, Doctor Wrigley.
434
00:15:52,999 --> 00:15:54,999
Thank you so much
for coming.
435
00:15:54,999 --> 00:15:57,999
My husband
just adored you.
436
00:15:57,999 --> 00:15:58,999
Your husband
was a wonderful man.
437
00:15:58,999 --> 00:16:01,999
He was
a world-class prick.
438
00:16:01,999 --> 00:16:03,999
He missed both my weddings
for golf tournaments
439
00:16:03,999 --> 00:16:06,999
and stopped speaking to me
'cause I married a black woman.
440
00:16:06,999 --> 00:16:07,999
Wow.
So many questions.
441
00:16:07,999 --> 00:16:09,999
You know what?
It doesn't matter.
442
00:16:09,999 --> 00:16:11,999
So sorry for your loss...
443
00:16:11,999 --> 00:16:14,999
and everything else.
444
00:16:14,999 --> 00:16:18,999
Is it possible to get good
advice from a horrible person?
445
00:16:18,999 --> 00:16:19,999
Totally.
446
00:16:19,999 --> 00:16:22,999
Machiavelli,
and I actually heard
447
00:16:22,999 --> 00:16:24,999
Mother Teresa
was a bitch.
448
00:16:24,999 --> 00:16:26,999
Oh, it's Hollingsworth.
449
00:16:27,000 --> 00:16:29,000
Wish me luck.
450
00:16:30,999 --> 00:16:32,999
Mr. Hollingsworth?
451
00:16:32,999 --> 00:16:33,999
Hi.
452
00:16:33,999 --> 00:16:34,999
Jill Weber.
453
00:16:34,999 --> 00:16:36,999
Oh, yes.
454
00:16:36,999 --> 00:16:38,999
"I heart BJ."
455
00:16:38,999 --> 00:16:40,999
Right.
Um...
456
00:16:40,999 --> 00:16:43,999
I just wanted to say
I am so sorry for my behavior.
457
00:16:43,999 --> 00:16:45,999
I'd hate
for my husband's family
458
00:16:45,999 --> 00:16:46,999
to be eternally punished.
459
00:16:46,999 --> 00:16:48,999
I appreciate
the sentiment.
460
00:16:48,999 --> 00:16:49,999
I'll take it
into consideration.
461
00:16:49,999 --> 00:16:50,999
Thank you so much.
462
00:16:50,999 --> 00:16:52,999
Oh, your pin.
463
00:16:52,999 --> 00:16:54,999
Did you go
to Yale too?
464
00:16:54,999 --> 00:16:55,999
Good day, Mrs. Weber.
465
00:16:55,999 --> 00:16:57,999
Oh, I just wanted
to leave you
466
00:16:57,999 --> 00:16:59,999
with these chocolates.
467
00:16:59,999 --> 00:17:02,999
Mrs. Weber, is this
what I think it is?
468
00:17:02,999 --> 00:17:04,999
You love
Varsano's chocolates too?
469
00:17:04,999 --> 00:17:07,999
I didn't know if you were
a milk or dark person.
470
00:17:07,999 --> 00:17:09,999
The squares
are marshmallow.
471
00:17:09,999 --> 00:17:11,999
Prepare to die.
472
00:17:11,999 --> 00:17:15,999
Mrs. Weber, Greenacres Park
does not look kindly on bribes,
473
00:17:15,999 --> 00:17:16,999
and neither do I.
474
00:17:16,999 --> 00:17:18,999
Bribes?
What?
475
00:17:18,999 --> 00:17:23,999
No, these aren't
even for you.
476
00:17:23,999 --> 00:17:26,999
They're for
Mr. Cardiff's widow.
477
00:17:26,999 --> 00:17:29,999
Then why is there an "H"
in a heart?
478
00:17:29,999 --> 00:17:32,999
Because they're
for Helen.
479
00:17:32,999 --> 00:17:34,999
Her name is Ruth.
480
00:17:34,999 --> 00:17:36,999
Might I remind you
that this is a wake?
481
00:17:36,999 --> 00:17:38,999
A man has died.
482
00:17:38,999 --> 00:17:41,999
His loved ones are here
to pay their respects.
483
00:17:41,999 --> 00:17:42,999
I'll take those.
484
00:17:42,999 --> 00:17:43,999
No!
485
00:17:43,999 --> 00:17:45,999
They're for Helen!
486
00:17:45,999 --> 00:17:47,999
What are you--
487
00:17:47,999 --> 00:17:48,999
[Vanessa gasps]
488
00:17:48,999 --> 00:17:49,999
Oh, my God.
489
00:17:51,999 --> 00:17:52,999
We should go.
490
00:17:52,999 --> 00:17:54,999
Yeah, this is bad.
491
00:18:05,999 --> 00:18:06,999
[men singing a cappella]
492
00:18:06,999 --> 00:18:09,999
♪♪ Doo-wah ♪♪
493
00:18:09,999 --> 00:18:10,999
♪♪ Doo-doo ♪♪
494
00:18:10,999 --> 00:18:13,999
What sheer bliss is this?
495
00:18:13,999 --> 00:18:17,999
I'm instantly transported
back to my days at Yale.
496
00:18:17,999 --> 00:18:19,999
Is this because of my op-ed
497
00:18:19,999 --> 00:18:21,999
protesting a cappella cutbacks
in the Ivy League?
498
00:18:21,999 --> 00:18:23,999
[singing continues]
499
00:18:23,999 --> 00:18:25,999
♪♪ Broadway ♪♪
500
00:18:25,999 --> 00:18:26,999
You!
501
00:18:26,999 --> 00:18:29,999
♪♪ Oh, Broadway ♪♪
502
00:18:29,999 --> 00:18:31,999
- I'm calling security.
- No, wait, please.
503
00:18:31,999 --> 00:18:33,999
I just wanted
to apologize again,
504
00:18:33,999 --> 00:18:37,999
with the help of your former
singing group from Yale.
505
00:18:37,999 --> 00:18:38,999
A-one, two, three, four.
506
00:18:38,999 --> 00:18:41,999
♪♪ Give my regards
to Broadway ♪♪
507
00:18:41,999 --> 00:18:45,999
♪♪ Remember me
to Herald Square ♪♪
508
00:18:45,999 --> 00:18:48,999
♪♪ Tell all the gang
at 42nd Street ♪♪
509
00:18:48,999 --> 00:18:50,999
♪♪ That I'll soon be there ♪♪
510
00:18:50,999 --> 00:18:53,999
Stop, stop, stop singing.
I've heard enough.
511
00:18:53,999 --> 00:18:54,999
I'll ask you
for the last time
512
00:18:54,999 --> 00:18:57,999
to leave my grounds
immediately.
513
00:18:57,999 --> 00:18:58,999
Totally not
your fault, guys.
514
00:18:58,999 --> 00:19:00,999
All me.
515
00:19:00,999 --> 00:19:01,999
(man)
Catch you later, Jill.
516
00:19:01,999 --> 00:19:03,999
Sorry.
517
00:19:03,999 --> 00:19:07,999
Mrs. Weber, I am not
finished with you.
518
00:19:07,999 --> 00:19:10,999
The second soprano
of my a cappella group,
519
00:19:10,999 --> 00:19:12,999
the Brazen Overtures,
is having her hip replaced,
520
00:19:12,999 --> 00:19:14,999
and we have four events
coming up.
521
00:19:14,999 --> 00:19:15,999
Does this mean--
522
00:19:15,999 --> 00:19:18,999
Show up tomorrow night,
7:00 to 9:00,
523
00:19:18,999 --> 00:19:19,999
for rehearsal at La Mama.
524
00:19:19,999 --> 00:19:21,999
I'll be there.
Thank you!
525
00:19:26,999 --> 00:19:28,999
I can't believe
you got us in.
526
00:19:28,999 --> 00:19:30,999
I don't even want to know
how you managed to pull it off,
527
00:19:30,999 --> 00:19:31,999
but thank you.
528
00:19:31,999 --> 00:19:33,999
It was nothing.
529
00:19:33,999 --> 00:19:34,999
And I've been thinking.
530
00:19:34,999 --> 00:19:37,999
If this partner thing isn't
all it's cracked up to be,
531
00:19:37,999 --> 00:19:39,999
let's talk
about your next move.
532
00:19:39,999 --> 00:19:42,999
Well, Lex offered me
a job at Hercules.
533
00:19:42,999 --> 00:19:43,999
[chuckles]
534
00:19:43,999 --> 00:19:46,999
Over my dead body...
535
00:19:46,999 --> 00:19:48,999
which reminds me,
536
00:19:48,999 --> 00:19:51,999
if I land
at the grassy knoll first,
537
00:19:51,999 --> 00:19:54,999
I want you to remarry
and be happy.
538
00:19:54,999 --> 00:19:56,999
We're not having
this conversation.
539
00:19:56,999 --> 00:19:57,999
What about Lolly McTamany?
540
00:19:57,999 --> 00:19:59,999
You're fixing me up now?
541
00:19:59,999 --> 00:20:01,999
I like having my ducks
in a row.
542
00:20:01,999 --> 00:20:03,999
- Harlow Kincaid?
- No.
543
00:20:03,999 --> 00:20:04,999
Alexis Hilton?
544
00:20:04,999 --> 00:20:06,999
Now, she's cute.
545
00:20:06,999 --> 00:20:07,999
Okay.
546
00:20:07,999 --> 00:20:09,999
Alexis Hilton, it is.
547
00:20:09,999 --> 00:20:11,999
Good night, sweetheart.
548
00:20:11,999 --> 00:20:14,999
I mean, I didn't know
she was your type.
549
00:20:14,999 --> 00:20:16,999
I hear she's difficult.
550
00:20:16,999 --> 00:20:19,999
Well, then she's
definitely my type.
551
00:20:19,999 --> 00:20:20,999
I love you.
552
00:20:20,999 --> 00:20:21,999
Love you.
553
00:20:21,999 --> 00:20:22,999
(man on TV)
It was really rough...
554
00:20:23,000 --> 00:20:26,000
[cell phone ringing]
555
00:20:25,999 --> 00:20:27,999
You will not believe this.
556
00:20:27,999 --> 00:20:29,999
I'm watching
some new reality show
557
00:20:29,999 --> 00:20:31,999
where they pair homeless
people with life coaches.
558
00:20:31,999 --> 00:20:34,999
I have so much TV
to catch up on.
559
00:20:34,999 --> 00:20:36,999
You know, I tried
cultivating my passions,
560
00:20:36,999 --> 00:20:37,999
but then I realized,
561
00:20:37,999 --> 00:20:41,999
I might be too lazy
for kids or hobbies.
562
00:20:41,999 --> 00:20:43,999
May I remind you that
my father-in-law's hobby
563
00:20:43,999 --> 00:20:44,999
was swimming
with great white sharks
564
00:20:44,999 --> 00:20:46,999
until one digested him.
565
00:20:46,999 --> 00:20:47,999
[snickers]
566
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,000
You always say
the right thing.
567
00:20:49,999 --> 00:20:51,999
- Love you.
- I love you.
568
00:20:51,999 --> 00:20:55,999
(woman on TV)
Okay, I want you to picture
yourself 12 months from now.
569
00:20:55,999 --> 00:20:58,999
What are two things you'd like
to have more of in your life?
570
00:20:58,999 --> 00:21:00,999
(man on TV)
Heroin and pussy.
571
00:21:00,999 --> 00:21:01,999
Ugh.
572
00:21:01,999 --> 00:21:04,999
[blows tuning whistle]
573
00:21:04,999 --> 00:21:07,999
A-one and a-two
and a-one, two, three.
574
00:21:07,999 --> 00:21:10,999
(all)
♪♪ By the light ♪♪
575
00:21:10,999 --> 00:21:11,999
♪♪ Of the silvery moon ♪♪
576
00:21:11,999 --> 00:21:13,999
♪♪ Not the sun,
but the moon ♪♪
577
00:21:13,999 --> 00:21:15,999
♪♪ I want to spoon ♪♪
578
00:21:15,999 --> 00:21:17,999
♪♪ Not a fork, but a spoon ♪♪
579
00:21:17,999 --> 00:21:21,999
♪♪ To my honey,
I'll croon love's tune ♪♪
580
00:21:21,999 --> 00:21:22,999
♪♪ Honeymoon ♪♪
581
00:21:22,999 --> 00:21:24,999
♪♪ Have a honey honeymoon ♪♪
582
00:21:24,999 --> 00:21:26,999
♪♪ Keep it shining in June ♪♪
583
00:21:26,999 --> 00:21:27,999
♪♪ Not May, but June ♪♪
584
00:21:27,999 --> 00:21:31,999
♪♪ Your silvery beams
will be love's dreams ♪♪
585
00:21:31,999 --> 00:21:34,999
♪♪ We'll be cuddling soon ♪♪
586
00:21:34,999 --> 00:21:39,999
♪♪ By the silvery moon ♪♪
587
00:21:39,999 --> 00:21:42,999
(Jill)
For more Odd Mom Out,
go to bravotv.com.
588
00:21:42,999 --> 00:21:43,999
[seagulls crying]
589
00:21:43,999 --> 00:21:44,999
(girl)
Oh, dear.
40830
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