All language subtitles for Blithe.Spirit.2021.1080p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-EVO-HI

(FILM REEL CLICKING)

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC)

♪ If I was leaning
on a rainbow ♪

♪ Where stars shine
and moonbeams glow ♪

♪ I could leave my
troubles, forget my woes ♪

♪ If I was leaning
on a rainbow ♪

(HUMMING)

♪ If I was sitting
on top of the world ♪

♪ With fine wine,
diamonds and pearls ♪

♪ Ain't nobody would
bring me down ♪

♪ If I was sitting
on top of the world ♪

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC)

CHARLES: Oh.

Uh.

Come on, you blithering idiot.

There's only 26 letters
in the damned alphabet.

All you've gotta do is put
them in the right bloody order.

(SIGHS)

Write something.

Anything.

(SIGHS)

(SOFT LIGHT MUSIC)

(KEYS STRIKING)

(SOFT LIGHT MUSIC)

Right.

Music.

(UPBEAT SWING MUSIC)

Charles.

(SIGHS)

Think.

(UPBEAT SWING MUSIC)

Charles?

Darling?

Charles? They can
hear you in Timbuktu!

(UPBEAT SWING MUSIC)

(NEEDLE SCRATCHES)

(SIGHS)

Much obliged.

(SIGHS)

If you insist on living
like a nocturnal animal,

at least be civil enough
to hide your tracks.

Morning, Edith.

Good morning, ma'am.

Oh, he's finally
gone through with it.

EDITH: Oh yes.
Scandalous, isn't it?

On the contrary, I
think giving up the throne

for love is awfully romantic.

I'll have a grilled grapefruit
and a strong coffee please.

Mr. Condomine's
asked for his eggs

to be brought out
to his study again.

Well, given his
mood, I hope they're

being served sunny side up.

Here we go.

Two soft-boiled eggs.
For William Shakespeare.

And what does Her Majesty
want this morning?

She's sticking to the
Hollywood diet.

Hollywood diet.

It'll take a lot more
than an exotic fruit

to turn her into Greta Garbo.

Oh.

And don't dilly-dally
in the garden, Edith.

He'll only send it back,
if the toast is cold.

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

I'm not a bad man.

I mean, yes, I like
to flirt a bit.

And the occasional flutter.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Excuse me, sir.
Your breakfast.

CHARLES: Edith.

Yes, sir?

Would you remind Edna
that the word 'toast'

is derived from
the Latin 'tostare',

meaning 'to scorch' or
'to roast'?

Whereas this... is a
cold, hard piece of bread.

Apologies, sir.

Thank you.

Do you need anything else?

Divine intervention.

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

It's wonderfully
patriotic, Harold.

You've really excelled yourself.

And I'm certain the
judges will agree.

(CHARLES SCREAMING)

Oh!

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

How was it so easy for you,

my Manhattan muse?

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

Charles (CHUCKLES).

You really should be
praying to Cadmus

and not decapitating him.

I'm sorry.

You've been commissioned to
write a 90-page screenplay,

not War and Peace.

I'm at my wits' end.

I just don't understand
how it can be so problematic

to adapt a story that
you've already written.

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry, Charles. I
just don't know how long

I can go on like
this, with you stuck

in an imaginary world and
me alone in the real one.

I miss you.

I miss us.

So do I.

(SOFT FLUTE MUSIC)

Look at that.

Just found it
amongst some papers.

It's sweet of you to
try and spare my feelings.

And a little naive.

Why?

Because you imagine that I
mind you thinking of Elvira.

Well, don't you?

(LAUGHS) No. I'm not in
the least bit jealous of her.

I just wonder if I died,
whether you'd continue

to look at photographs of me.

Darling.

You're not the dying type.

Ha!

He's simply
incorrigible, Violet.

I found him mooning over
pictures of Elvira yesterday.

Elvira?

He's been shirking work
and pining for the ex-wife.

Ah!

Oh!

Game, set and match.

There's really nothing
to feel insecure about.

Elvira may have been
very attractive,

but the poor woman's gone.

As has the spark
in our relationship.

Charles is a man.

You can't expect him to juggle

more than one thing at a time.

My advice... leave him
to worry about the words

and find someone else
to shake your sheets.

Oh come on, don't be a prude.

One must be practical for a
marriage to run the course.

Do you remember
what you learnt

in our last lesson,
Mrs. Bradman?

Strong, firm grip.
How could I forget?

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(CHUCKLING)

So, what seems to be
the trouble, old chap?

Things don't seem to be
flowing as they used to.

Oh.

Name me a wordsmith who
hasn't wrestled with a bout

of writer's block
once in a while, eh.

And the truth is,
it's not just the words

that have dried up.

Hm-hm.

Big Ben's stopped chiming.

Hm.

Mr. Peasbody's
got stage fright.

Oh, you poor fellow.

It's like playing
billiards with a rope.

(PILLS RATTLING)

Try a couple of these.

Should put some
fuel back in your tank.

CHARLES: What are they?

Benzedrine sulfate.

(COUGHS) amphetamine.

Enhances cheerfulness,

alertness, and as
Violet would testify,

does wonders for your libido.

Sounds too good to be
true. Is it habit forming?

No, not at all. Been
using them for years.

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

Ah.

Ah, slow down.

Charles, you'll give
us both a coronary.

I've never
felt more alive.

Why? What's happened?

I decided to take your advice

and look on the positives.

Surely it's better
to be up than down.

I just don't want
you to exhaust yourself

before the medium show
at the theater tonight.

Ugh.

Nobody in their right mind
would waste a perfectly

pleasant evening
pretending to be fascinated

by someone holding a
one-way conversation.

- Ah.
- Ah.

(THEATRE BELL RINGS)

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and
gentlemen, please take your seats.

This evening's performance
will commence in two minutes.

Isn't that your cook?

And your maid?

Oh yes. So it is.

Poor Edith.

She's been very taken
with this sort of thing

since she lost her brother
fighting the fascists in Spain.

Primitive superstition
can be very persuasive.

Especially with the
emotionally susceptible.

Hm.

(DRAMATIC SHOW MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to an evening
that will change

your perceptions of
the world we inhabit.

(AUDIENCE MURMURING)

That will answer, irrefutably,

the question that has
confounded mankind

since the dawn of time.

(DREAMY MUSIC)

Is there life after death?

No.

(DREAMY MUSIC)

There she is.

(DREAMY MUSIC)

Mesdames et messeurs, bonsoir.

From the Great Pyramid
of Cholula in the West

to Mount Taishan in the east,

from Whanganui-a-Tara
in the south

to Uppsala in the north,

I have traveled the globe,

communing with gurus,
swamis and shaman.

These wise sages have guided me

to a deeper dimension

where finally I
experienced an epiphany

and broke through
to the other side.

(DREAMY MUSIC)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

I am certain that everyone here

has sensed the spirits of
their departed loved ones.

And I am certain we all wish

we could communicate
with them again

to say the things
we never got to say.

- I've got it. Sorry.
- Shh.

Tonight, I will use the
precious mystical gift

to make that possible.

(SHRIEKS)

Bugger!

(ROPE WHOOSHING)

(SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE GASPING)

(MADAME ARCATI GROANING)

Madame Arcati.

Oh, it's a conjuring trick.

I told you. She's a fraud.

That's an
outrageous accusation.

I merely lost contact.

Charles was right. It
was all a put-up job.

(AUDIENCE BOOING)

Where'd he go?

(FLASHBULB POPPING)

Please, please.

(REPORTERS SHOUTING)

Madame Arcati has
just been through

a very traumatic experience.

Please just... Please.

I would
ask you to respect

her privacy at this
difficult time.

MANDEEP: Oh, my giddy aunt!

MADAME ARCATI: I've
told you, Mandeep,

I don't want to
see a living soul.

My name is Charles Condomine.

I'm an award-winning writer.

And especially not
the gutter press.

Look, I'm not a reporter.
I write crime novels,

and screenplays.

Well, I can't abide
fiction or fantasy.

Madame Arcati?

I'm not here to
question your integrity.

Faking an exotic accent doesn't
mean your gift isn't real.

I fully understand that, like
me, you occasionally have

to employ a certain
artistic license

to entertain the masses.

They expect me to
deliver a spectacle,

a transcendental miracle,
night after night.

Of course, of course. There's
no need to justify yourself.

I'm a believer.

I'm simply here to
invite you to conduct

a private seance at my home.

Well. I'm not a traveling
banjo player, Mr. Condomine.

I don't do requests.

Well, there might be some
influential guests attending.

Could be the perfect
opportunity to fend off

any bad publicity from
tonight's unfortunate events.

When were you wishing
this to take place?

As soon as possible.

Then I suggest this Thursday,

midsummer night, the solstice.

The sacred turning
point of the seasons.

Perfect.

I told her how
profoundly interested I was

in anything to do
with the occult,

and she blossomed like a rose.

Well, hosting an evening
with a professional charlatan

sounds like an absolute scream.

Doesn't it?

But will it get you closer
to finishing your screenplay?

Well, I need the
old girl to show me

a few tricks of the trade.

That's what's gonna make
my new hero truly unique.

What's so unique about him?

He's dead.

Dead?

As a doornail.

He's the victim of a
vicious unsolved murder

and communicates with the
living through a medium

who helps bring people
back from beyond the grave.

Maybe she could resurrect
your career at the same time.

Daddy's on the warpath.

He's certain to
find another writer

if you don't deliver soon.

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Is anybody there?

Is anybody there?

One rap for yes,
two raps for no.

(BANGING)

Ooh.

Is that you, Maia?

Who's Maia?

My spirit guide.

She was Tutankhamun's wet nurse.

I do hope she's
not still lactating.

(CHORTLING)

I would ask you not to
be flippant, Dr. Bradman.

She may be in Shamballa, but
the woman still has feelings.

Please forgive
me, Madame Arcati.

I didn't mean to cause offense.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(SPEAKING ARABIC)

(SPEAKING ARABIC...)

(TABLE BANGING)

Now we're getting somewhere.

Is it me you wish to speak to?

(TABLE RATTLING)

Is it Dr. Bradman?
Or perhaps one

of his less fortunate patients?

(TABLE RATTLING)

Mrs. Bradman?

(TABLE RATTLING)

Mrs. Condomine?

(TABLE RATTLING)

Oh, behave yourself, Maia.

Mr. Condomine?

(TABLE BANGING)

It appears that
someone wishes to speak

to you, Mr. Condomine.

Do you know anyone
who has recently

passed over to the other side?

Only my old literary agent,

but it's unlikely
he'd make contact.

He died owing me a
fortune in royalties.

(GROUP GIGGLING)

Are you Mr. Condomine's
literary agent.

(TABLE RATTLING)

No.

I'm afraid we've drawn a blank.

Is there anyone on the other
side you think of often?

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

No, well, there's
nothing for it.

I shall have to
go into a trance.

This is the moment I hate.

Are, are you nervous, or?

When I was a child,
I used to be sick.

Mm-hm.

Now let's see,
what have we here?

Oh, Brahms. No, that's
too dark and depressing.

Rachmaninoff. No, too florid.

Oh no, this is better.

Always.

Does it have to be that song?

Well Maia likes a tune
she can hum along to.

("ALWAYS" INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)

(HUMMING)

♪ Always ♪

♪ I'll be loving you Always ♪

(THUNDER)

♪ With a love
that's true Always ♪

♪ Then the things you plan ♪

♪ Need a helping hand ♪

♪ I will understand ♪

(MADAME ARCATI WHIMPERS)

(SCREAMING)

Crikey.

(STORM RAGING)

(SCREAMING)

(WHIMPERING)

What the devil's going on?

Must be a power cut.

Madame Arcati? Madame
Arcati, can you hear me?

Is she breathing?

She's having some sort of fit.

Please, do something,
Dr. Bradman.

(FINGERS SNAPPING)

(ELECTRICITY SPARKING)

Oh.

Oh, thank goodness.

What happened?

Apart from the French
windows blowing open,

nothing supernatural.

Something
substantial took place.

I can feel it in my base chakra.

Probably trapped wind.

(SNIFFING)

No poltergeists, at any rate.

Any apparitions?

Uh, not that we saw.

What about ectoplasm?

I'm not quite
sure what that is.

A supernatural viscous
substance that exudes

from the body of one in
a spiritualistic trance

and forms the material for
the manifestation of spirits.

No, I definitely would
have remembered that.

Mm-hm.

Well. I suppose I should get
going before the storm rolls in.

Would you care for
some refreshments

before you return to your hotel?

Oh. no, thank you, Mrs. Condomine.
I like to travel light.

Congratulations,
Madame Arcati.

It was a thrilling evening.

I'm well aware of the irony
in your voice, Dr. Bradman.

May I be so bold as to remind
you that modern medicine

is a recent phenomena, and
that physicians have found

value in scientifically
inexplicable practices

since the beginning
of civilization?

Quite so.

Well, good night, everyone.

I'm sorry so little eventuated.

Probably something to
do with a cosmic flux.

Thank you so much for agreeing
to do this, Madame Arcati.

It's been an education
on so many levels.

Merci, Monsieur Condomine.

Et au revoir.

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

(LAUGHING)

Sh, sh sh, sh sh sh.

She might hear us, sh.

I can't. Really, I can't.

(WIND BLOWING AND
THUNDER)

(SIGHS)

I can't quite put my
finger on it, Donald.

I've never experienced
anything like it in my life.

It genuinely felt as if

something tremendous
had happened.

Oh well.

Maybe next time.

Good night, my love.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(WIND BLOWING, THUNDER)

(THUNDER CRASH)

(RAIN PELTING)

Did you get everything you
need for your screenplay?

Oh, everything
and more (CHUCKLES).

You're not thinking of turning
in for the night, are you?

What?

Wouldn't it be
prudent to get down

the ideas whilst
they're still fresh?

Yes, well, absolutely.

I shall, fix myself
a drink and dig in.

Carpe diem,
darling.

(CHUCKLES)

Carpe diem.

(DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING)

(STORM RAGING)

(RECORD SKIPPING)

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(THUNDER CRASH)

Jesus Christ.

ELVIRA: Charles?

What on Earth have you done?

The room looks like
a giant peach melba.

And where's my Italian
chandelier gone?

What?

(BUZZING)

Oh, God.

Hello.

(WIND WHISTLING)

Please tell me you haven't
ruined the rest of the house.

No.

(SIGH)

My Moroccan mosaics. Charles.

One weekend away and
the whole place has had

the life and soul
sucked out of it.

This can't be happening.

I must be hallucinating.

Well, judging from
the decor, I would say

that's the understatement
of the century.

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

I should have known
this wasn't down to you.

Who is she?

It's not what you think.

Please do not humiliate
either one of us any further.

If you've got
something to tell me,

be a man and spit it out.

Elvira... You're dead.

How dare you?

(ELVIRA GRUNTS)

(GASP)

(SCREAMING)

(GASP)

(RAIN TAPPING)

The last thing I
remember is competing

in the South Downs
point-to-point.

That's right, and the
conditions were treacherous,

and as with most things, you
refused to listen to reason.

Well I couldn't miss
the most prestigious meet

of the season, Charles.

Well, you paid the ultimate
price for your folly

and fell at the final fence,

instantly breaking your neck.

The whole episode
was very distressing

for everyone involved.

Well, presumably not as
distressing as it was for me.

They did rename the
jump in your honor.

Oh.

How thoughtful.

I don't understand.

If I'm dead, then how
and why am I here?

I have absolutely no idea.

Maybe you're a ghost.

What? No! (CRIES).

Please, don't get hysterical.

Hysterical?

Concerned, more like.

Procrastination is the
thief of time, Charles,

and yours is running out.

Who's she?

My wife, Ruth.

Yes? Are you all right?

I'm your wife.

Not anymore.

Why? What's the matter?

Ruth, I'm not speaking to
you. I'm talking to Elvira.

Elvira?

Yeah, surely you can see her.

She's standing
right next to you.

Charles, what are you
playing at? Elvira's dead.

Ugh, why does everyone
have to keep saying that?

Elvira, darling, this is Ruth.

Ruth, darling, this is Elvira.

Are you drunk?

Ruth, Elvira is here
with us in the room.

Madame Arcati must have summoned
her up during the seance.

Madame Arcati's a fraud.
You said so yourself.

I'm going to bed, and I
suggest that you retire too.

Finally some time to ourselves
so we can get reacquainted.

That's a thoroughly
immoral suggestion.

Oh, I wasn't for a moment
insinuating we share a bed.

No...

I've come to terms with
your recent inability

to perform in that department.

Hm.

I can't imagine you ever
did with that sourpuss.

Be quiet. You're behaving
like a guttersnipe.

It is your behavior,
Charles, that is unpardonable.

(CLEARS THROAT) Good night.

Hooray.

What a frightful woman.

I can only assume it was
a marriage of convenience?

(CHARLES SIGHS)

Hmm.

I've gone mad.

That's what it is
Stark raving mad.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

It will ruin your life if you
allow it to get hold of you.

Once and for all, Ruth,

last night had nothing
to do with alcohol.

I wasn't in the least drunk.

Something very peculiar
happened to me.

A one-off psychic delusion,

likely brought on
by work pressure.

A deadline doesn't explain
why when I calmly suggested

that you should return to
bed, you said with a most

disgusting leer that it
was an immoral suggestion.

I thought I was
talking to Elvira.

Well, if you were, I can
only say it conjures up

a fragrant picture of
your first marriage.

My first marriage
was perfectly charming.

And it's in the worst possible
taste for you to sneer at it.

I'm not nearly so interested
in your first marriage

as you think I am.

In fact, its your
second marriage

that's absorbing
me at the moment.

It's headed for the rocks.

(EXHALING)

Well, it's 155 over
99. It is quite high.

(EXHALING)

I'm not surprised,

given the intensity
of the hallucination.

I genuinely believed Elvira
was in the room talking to me.

She was as real as you or I.

Probably best you stop taking
the tablets, old chap.

Darling.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

I hate to see you so upset.

Please accept my heartfelt
apology for anything untoward

I might have said last night.

Or this morning.

Apology accepted. Let's
never mention it again.

How are you feeling?

I believe Dr. Bradman
might have solved the riddle.

Ah, well, thank goodness.

Now, let's go and
see your father.

I want to check he
likes my new idea

before committing
it to the page.

I do not want to be late.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

RUTH: Charles?

(BELL RINGING)

And so, you see, Henry,
it's only through the medium

that the killer can
be brought to justice,

based on new evidence that he
gathers from beyond the grave.

I like the premise,
Charles, but not enough

to wait another six
months to see a script.

Charles will deliver
in a few weeks, Daddy.

You have my word.

And mine.

- HITCHCOCK: Cut!
- ASSISTANT DIRECTOR: And we've cut!

Right, come on, let's go and
watch the next scene.

I think Hitch will be the
perfect director for our film.

Just don't get under his feet.

Come on, darling.

ASSISTANT: Bring Miss Withers
some makeup, please.

HENRY: Googie, darling,
how lovely to see you.

Charles Condomine.

Ah, I'm a big fan of
your books, Mr. Condomine.

When can we expect
Detective Flowers

to crack his next case?

Ah, Charles has actually made
the leap into screenwriting.

With Daddy's help.

Oh, how exciting.

(RUTH LAUGHS)

I'd die to play one of your
strong-willed female characters.

Where do you draw
your inspiration from?

Where do you think? (LAUGHS)

Oh, how romantic,
to marry your muse.

Not so romantic
to replace her.

Why don't you tell her
the truth, Charles,

that you're an astral bigamist?

Be quiet. Stop
behaving like a harlot.

I beg your pardon?

Admit it, Charles.

All of your female
characters are based on me.

You always were vain
and self-obsessed.

How dare you speak to
my leading lady like that?

No, no no.

(THUD)

(GROUP CHATTERING)

Get a grip, Charles.
What on earth is going on?

Elvira is here.

I can see her.

She's right there.

I insist you go home
immediately and lie down.

I have no desire to go to bed

in the middle of the afternoon.

My, how things have changed.

I remember a time
when we could barely

drag ourselves out
of our double divan.

Stop being indecent.
Get out of my sight.

How dare you speak to
my daughter like that!

No, I wasn't speaking to her.

Get off my set.

You're in trouble now.

Don't be so infantile.

I'll give you infantile.

Ooh!

Ooh.

Oww!

Ah.

(ENGINE ROARING)

Does it hurt?

Only if I breathe.

Let me see it, darling.

What about now?

Oh, God!

I suggest you take
yourself to your study.

The only way my father
will forgive you

is if you deliver an
Oscar-worthy script.

How am I supposed to
write in this state?

Well you better try.

Either start typing and
prove you're not barking mad,

or I'll be forced
to call Dr. Bradman

and have you referred
to a nerve specialist.

Ruth, I'm not in
the least neurotic.

And never have been.

Well, psychoanalyst, then.

Ugh.

I refuse to endure months
of expensive humiliation,

only to be told at the end of it

that at the age of four I was
in love with my rocking horse.

Don't take that flippant tone
with me, Charles Condomine.

I'm not the one who
started seeing things.

Ah, so you do believe me then?

Of course I don't.

There's no such thing
as ghosts or ghouls.

(DREAMY MUSIC)

(BURNING, CRACKLING)

I call upon Donald Keeling,

Second Lieutenant

in the 92nd Regiment
of Gordon Highlanders.

Who died on February
the 27th, 1881,

at the Battle of Majuba Hill.

Come forth

and make yourself known to me.

Cecily, your ever devoted wife.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Donald... Is that you?

HOUSEKEEPER: It's housekeeping.
Do you need fresh towels?

(SLOW MUSIC)

(KEYS STRIKING)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(ZIP!)

What are you doing here?

Despite removing
every trace of me,

this is still my home.

Besides, I have no
idea how to get back

even if I wanted to.

Are you saying you're
staying indefinitely?

Why?

Would you hate it
so much if I did?

Honestly, Charles, I
really am a little hurt.

You're the only one who
could have called me back.

I most emphatically did
not send for you, Elvira.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(BIRDS SINGING)

Ruth and I are
about to celebrate

our fifth wedding
anniversary together.

Five?

What is that, leather?

Wood.

Watch out for the splinters.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Mrs. Condomine.

I'll call Dr. Bradman, see

if he'll accompany
us to the sanitarium.

Ruth, please, listen to me.

I haven't gone mad.

The ghost of my first wife,
Elvira, has crossed over

from the other side and is here

in the room with us right now.

Yes, dear.

I know. I see her
perfectly well,

along with the zebras
and chimpanzees

hiding under the piano.

Ruth, I have always
looked upon you as a woman

of perception and understanding.

I am, but if you say
you're not drinking,

there must be something
pressing on your brain.

Elvira, do something to reveal

that you really
are here, please.

She's going to
have me committed.

Do you remember when we
first heard our song, Charles?

♪ I'll be loving
you Always, Oooh ♪

(UPBEAT PIANO MUSIC)

See? What did I tell you?

It's a cruel trick, Charles,

using some sort
of auto suggestion

or hypnotism to scare me.

It isn't. I swear
it isn't. Darling.

Darling.

Elvira, do something
else, for God sake.

Oh, anything to oblige.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(LIPSTICK POPS OPEN)

Look.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

RUTH: Lord.

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Ahh!

(SCREAMING)

Adios, interloper.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oops.

(CHARLES SIGHS)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

MAN: I'm afraid we
need the room back.

I told you I'll
be packed and ready

to go within an hour.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

(MANDEEP SIGHS)

Ah, thank God I caught you.

You are my only hope.

Something terrible
has taken place.

You heard strange
noises in the night?

Boards creaking? Doors slamming?

A subdued moaning
in the passages?

Eh, no, none of those.

Oh.

But, it appears that
after the seance

my husband's first wife, Elvira,

who died seven years
ago, is back among us.

At last. A genuine
materialization.

I knew something stupendous
had happened to me that night.

I felt it in my spinal cortex.

Oh, after all these years
of, of spiritual devotion,

I've finally been
rewarded (KISSES).

I appreciate the pride
in your achievement,

but I would like to
point out it's making

my position in my
home untenable,

and I hold you
entirely responsible.

Oh, forgive me,
Mrs. Condomine.

I'm being abominably selfish.

Just to help me get
this clear in my mind,

y-you yourself have not
seen this manifestation?

No, but Charles claims
he can see and talk to her.

Well, if the emotional
connection is strong,

that is sometimes possible.

What?

It can sometimes develop

into a level ten,

something I've never
even dared dream of.

Can he, by any
chance, touch her?

I sincerely hope not.

Why?

Can that happen?

Well. if the returning spirit
feels welcome... it can

gradually become
physically... substantial.

Thank you, Mrs. Bradman.

Well, please do let me know
if you hear from her.

(PHONE HANGING UP)

She's not there either.

I remember when you
couldn't wait to spend

an afternoon alone with me.

Please refrain from
playing with my affections.

I feel strange enough.

So you do still
find me attractive?

Elvira, please.

This isn't appropriate.

Look into my eyes.

(SOFT MUSIC)

And tell me you don't
love me anymore.

I shall always love
the memory of you.

Memories are about
the past, Charles.

But I'm here.

And this is the present.

Why don't we take the boat out

like we used to
and get some air?

I can't. I'm on a deadline.

What are you writing? Checks?

I'll have you know
I've been commissioned

to adapt my first
novel for the screen.

Your first novel?

Nearly wore my
fingers to the bone

committing this
story to the page.

Let's face it, darling.

It's not a coincidence
that you haven't published

a word since my demise.

I won't deny, you did have
a certain flair for plot.

Mm-hmm.

And character.

And?

And dialogue.

Right.

(WATER LAPPING)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

The biggest problem
you have is the twist

into the third act.

It isn't dramatic
enough, which is why you

don't have a satisfying climax.

Tell me something
I don't know.

Wouldn't it be smarter
to put the whole thing

on its head and reveal
the husband as the killer?

Oh that's good.

Or, what would
be more interesting

is if it's the wife
who set him up.

Why would the wife send
her husband to the gallows?

It's obvious, darling.

Susan Rutherford becomes
the prime suspect

when her alibi fails to
materialize, and we naturally

assume that she's trying
to protect the reputation

of the foreign secretary,
whose aspirations

of becoming the prime minister
would be severely compromised

if it was revealed that
he was having an affair.

But, in reality, nothing could
be further from the truth,

which is what we learn
from the victim himself.

And it's only through the medium
that they can work it out.

Work what out?

That she's pregnant
with the dead

foreign secretary's child.

Oh, that's good.

Mm.

(LAUGHS) Well even I
didn't see that one coming.

Of course you didn't, darling.

You're just the writer.

I'm afraid, Mrs.
Condomine, the time has come

for me to admit quite frankly,

I haven't the foggiest
idea how to send her back.

I have my own personal
reasons for wishing

to communicate
with the departed,

but I never for a moment
considered the possibility

of having to send someone back.

Well I suggest
that you find a way.

I refuse to share my
husband with anyone,

especially his dead ex-wife.

Well if I thought for a
moment that your husband

wished to get in
touch with the spirit

of his dead ex-wife,
I would have of course

consulted you first.

After all, noblesse oblige.

He had no intention of
getting in touch with her.

I can assure you.

The whole thing was
planned in order

to get material for
his new project.

Am I to understand I was
invited in the spirit of mockery?

He merely wanted
to make some notes

of the tricks of the trade.

Tricks of the trade?

I've never been so
insulted in my life.

I'm sorry, that
all came out wrong.

I'm, I'm rather overwrought
with the whole affair.

Please, I implore
you to help us.

I will go to the
Spiritual Alliance

on my way back to Sussex
and ask them for guidance.

Sussex? You can't abandon
us in our hour of need.

Well, due to my
recent circumstances,

I can no longer
afford to stay here,

but you can contact me.

I can cover your hotel
bill, and any expenses,

till this terrifying
ordeal has been resolved.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(PEN SCRIBBLING)

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

ELVIRA: Susan
Rutherford leans

over the foreign secretary.

Don't stop.

'The Soviet Union can wait.'
Says the foreign secretary.

He turns, and looks
at Susan longingly.

'This can't, ' he
whispers urgently.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

And then... he starts to slowly

unbutton

her silk blouse,

as they start to
passionately kiss.

Okay. That takes us up
to the first act turn.

You can't just stop mid-flow.

I'm tired, and I'm thirsty,

and I want to go into
town and drink Negronis

like we used to.

But it's, it's getting late.

You really have got a
little too comfortable

in your slippers, Charles.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ The price of inspiration ♪

♪ Would be too high ♪

♪ If, to inspire my creation, ♪

♪ we had to say goodbye ♪

♪ If you're putting
pen to paper ♪

♪ A singer with a song ♪

♪ nothing's got the rhythm
for the line ♪

What do you want, Elvira?

- Want?
- Hmm.

I don't know what you mean.

I remember whenever you
were overwhelmingly demure,

it usually meant that
you wanted something.

It's horrid of you
to be so suspicious.

All I want is to
be alone with you.

I can't deny, I do feel rather
peculiar seeing you again.

I've missed you
more than life itself.

I've missed you too.

My American dream.

I was utterly heartbroken
after the accident.

The truth is, I
don't believe I ever

really got over losing you.

Do you love Ruth?

Of course I do.

As much as you loved me?

Don't be silly.

It's entirely different.

I'm so glad.

Nothing could have ever been
quite the same, could it?

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC)

(EXHALING)

Let's go to SoHo.

Swap the slippers for
some dancing shoes?

(UPBEAT DANCE MUSIC)

♪ You gotta give a
little, take a little ♪

♪ Let your poor heart
break a little ♪

♪ That's the story of,
that's the glory of love ♪

♪ You gotta laugh a
little, cry a little ♪

♪ Let the clouds
roll back a little ♪

♪ That's the story of,
that's the glory of love ♪

♪ As long as there's the two of us
we got the world and all its charms ♪

CHARLES: I think
I'm gonna be sick.

Oh, God.

RUTH: Charles!

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

(ENGINE GUNNING)

I love being back
behind the wheel of a car.

Can't say the
feeling's mutual.

Charles?

Where on earth have you
been? I've been worried sick.

It's too bad
it's not terminal.

I wanted to clear my head,
so I took a long drive.

In the passenger seat?

Look, let's not quarrel
when we should be celebrating.

I finished the first
act of my screenplay,

and it's rather good.

My screenplay more like.

How did you manage
that in a day?

Elvira helped me.

Do you mean to tell me
that not only has she bullied

her way back over the threshold,

she's trying to work
with you now as well?

What do you mean trying?

I've written 15
books in your name.

Elvira, this is neither
the time nor the place.

Oh, this is intolerable.

Elvira, now you listen to me.

Darling?

I... Yes?

She's over there.

Right.

Now listen here, Elvira.

I've been to see Madame Arcati.

She's going to send you back

to wherever it is she
regrettably dragged you from.

Charles?

(RUTH CRIES)

Charles?

(DOOR SLAMMING)

Don't.

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

(CLOCK TICKING)

Darling, please don't be upset.

Upset? You've just spent
the night with your ex-wife.

How do you expect me to feel?

Ecstatic.

Oooh.

Our dream of going to Hollywood
is finally within our grasp.

As soon as I deliver
this screenplay,

we'll be crossing the Atlantic

quicker than you can
say Sunset Boulevard.

Think of the glitz.
The glamour.

The good times
we're gonna share.

You won't be reading about
other people's lives anymore.

They'll be reading about ours.

(SOFT MUSIC)

And you can't
do it without her?

Of course I can.

It'll just be a lot
quicker this way.

There's really no need
for you to be jealous.

You're the one I love.

Forgive me that I
don't tell you enough.

Now that the words are flowing,

I feel unblocked
in other areas too.

(SOFT MUSIC)

Promise me you
can't touch her.

Darling, she's a ghost.

And besides, the only woman
I want to touch is you.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(BELL TOLLS)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(BIRDS SQUAWKING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(GROANING)

(GENTLE DREAMY MUSIC)

Listen here, lady.

You may have summoned
me into this world,

but there's no way I'm going
to let you send me back again.

I'm here to stay.

Is that clear?

(YAWNING)

(GASPS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(SNIFFING)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Oh.

Mm.

Hmm.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(WIND BLOWING)

How dare you ignore me,
you meddling old crone?

Either you leave me in
your peace to live my life,

or I'll haunt you
until the day you die.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

The Tower. Symbol of chaos,

destruction

and devastation.

(SIGHS)

(BIRDS SINGING)

(CLOCK TICKING)

(SOFT BREATHING)

Wakey-wakey.

(SOUND OF SHEARS)

Rise and shine.

What was I, Charles?
The warm-up act?

(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

If I was you, I'd keep it there.

Good afternoon, ma'am.

I'm going to have
to correct you, Edith.

It's not a good afternoon.
It's a glorious one.

Shall I prepare lunch?

Ah, yes please.
You read my mind.

I'm absolutely famished.

I'd like a cheese and pickle
platter. With extra pickle.

Yes, ma'am.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Oh.

What happened to your leg?

Oh, I slipped
down the staircase.

You really must
refrain from doing

everything at the double.

You're not in the
navy, you know.

I wasn't hurrying, ma'am.

There was axle grease smeared
all over the top step.

HENRY: Yes, her
agent loves the pitch,

thinks it would be a
perfect vehicle for her.

Seriously? Greta Garbo?

HENRY: Yes.

Mata Hari speaking my words
would be a dream come true.

HENRY: Charles, are
you still on track?

Yes, absolutely
still on track.

I'll send the next ream of pages

over as I reach the
second act turn.

HENRY: Don't let me down.

Thank you, Henry.
And I appreciate your

continued patience and belief.

HENRY: Splendid.

Goodbye, g...

(RING TONE...)

(BIRDS SINGING)

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Elvira, what are you doing?

Greta Garbo speaking my words?

Darling, what am
I supposed to say?

That I've got a ghostwriter?

Stop it.

Elvira, that's one
of our wedding gifts.

Not ours, Charles, Hers.

(PANTING)

You care more about
breaking china

than you do about
breaking my heart.

(CHUCKLING)

Elvira, I was unwaveringly
loyal and faithful

to you in all our
years of marriage.

What was I supposed
to do after you died?

Become a recluse and
wear a black armband

for the rest of my life?

(CRASH!)

Ma'am, the garden
judges are here.

Ah.

Thank you, Edith.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(GIGGLING)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, we've been sabotaged.

(WHIP CRACKS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(PASSERSBY CHATTERING)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Oh, that is an
outrageous suggestion.

As the national director
of the Spiritual Alliance,

my job is to protect
the reputation

of genuine psychic practitioners,
not undermine them.

CALLER: I see.

And I vow, along with
my friend Harry Houdini,

to investigate and expose
every fraudulent spiritualist

operating in this country.

CALLER: Very good sir.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Come in.

(DOOR CREAKING)

Madame Arcati here
to see you, sir.

CALLER: Thank you very
much for your time, sir.

Yes... well no-no-no,
thank you.

CALLER: Thank you.

Always a pleasure to
talk to the press.

CALLER: Goodbye, sir.

Well you've got a cheek,

showing your face
while you're suspended.

I'm sorry to turn
up unannounced,

but I urgently
need your guidance.

I have pulled off a
level-ten manifestation.

And was this before
or after you conned

800 people into paying
to see you levitate?

No, really, you must
believe me, Harry.

And it is possible this
presence has a physical form.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

Margot, where
are the scissors?

Drawer.

So you're telling me that the
first level-ten manifestation

reported in over three
centuries was the result

of an ordinary
common-or-garden seance.

Yes, that is correct.

What did you use as a guide?

Oh, um, this.
The Art of the Seance.

Ohh.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Can you help me?

Yes, Madame Arcati,
yes, I think I can.

Do you have your
membership card?

Membership card, eh...

Yes.

I'm going to start
by terminating

your membership with
immediate effect.

This is no place for
fantasists or frauds.

Margot. Madame
Arcati's leaving now.

(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Meet me at Temple
Square in an hour.

(BELL TOLLS)

MARGOT: Chapter four,
page nine, paragraph six.

(GASPS) A banishing spell.

Oh, Margot, thank you.

We don't have long.

I need to replace it in the safe

before Mr. Price
returns from lunch.

It's recorded in
ancient Druidic text.

I'm a little rusty,
but I'll do my best.

Oh, oh wait.

(PASSERSBY CHATTERING)

Take Ceridwens's
brew of Devil's Claw.

Devil's Claw.

Poisoned root of Aconite.

MADAME ARCATI: Oh, yes.

Elixir of Vervain flowers.

Verr..Oh, yes, of course,
that's the enchanter's plant.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

The sacrificial offering
is at its strongest

with a waning moon.

A waning moon.

Sprinkle black salt
on a stone altar.

Salt.

Then lay the freshly torn
bladder of a carnivore.

The bl-bladder?

Oh, no.

Freshly torn bladderwort.

Oh.

Of the carnivorous aquatic
Utricularia plant family.

Oh, thank heaven.

I thought for a minute I was going
to have to get my hands dirty.

(MARGOT LAUGHS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Au revoir, Madame Arcati.

Good luck.

(UPBEAT PARTY MUSIC)

Will you excuse me?

What about Clark Gable?

He'd make a dashing
Detective Frank Flowers.

Good actor, terrible breath.

Oh.

Very tricky for
the leading ladies.

I was thinking Cary Grant.

Now we're talking.

I look forward to making his
acquaintance at the premiere.

Well I'm afraid
you're getting ahead

of yourself there, Mrs. Bradman.

Even I can't make a
film without a script.

Be rather like trying to perform
surgery without a patient.

(LAUGHS)

The typewriter can be a
cruel and demanding mistress.

Yes, well, let's hope that's

the only affair
Charles is having.

(CHUCKLING)

(DRINK FIZZING)

Hello, Daddy.

Time for a speech.

Ah.

(CROWD APPLAUDING)

(DRINK FIZZING)

Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen.

Ha-ha. Oh.

As a writer, people
are always expecting me

to come up with lots of words.

Hm.

Well, today I'm sure you'll
all be relieved to hear

that I'm going to keep
things short and sweet.

Just like my wife.

(LAUGHING)

If I were to create a
character as beautiful,

as poised, as perfect as Ruth,

my fans would accuse me
of straying into fantasy.

Oh.

But thankfully we
are all here today

to celebrate the fact
that Ruth is my reality,

and has been for
five fabulous years.

So, let us be
upstanding, upstandingly,

and raise our
glasses to true love.

- True love.
- True love.

True love.

(GROUP APPLAUDING)

Never dies.

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ I wish I could I
shimmy like my sister Kate ♪

♪ She can shake like
a jelly on a plate ♪

♪ My mama wanted to
know last night ♪

♪ Why all the boys
treat Kate so nice ♪

♪ All the boys in
the neighborhood ♪

♪ Know that she
can shimmy good ♪

♪ You may be late but
you'll be up to date ♪

♪ When you can shimmy like
my sister Kate, oh yeah ♪

♪ Shimmy like my sister Kate ♪

♪ I went to a dance
with sister Kate ♪

♪ Everyone thought
that she was great ♪

♪ I looked around for
something new ♪

Lord Almighty.

Ruth, what on earth
are you doing?

Cooling off.

All that dancing got
me hot and sticky!

Everybody's looking.

I didn't know it was going
to be one of those parties.

You're as wet as
an otter's pocket.

What happened to your dress?

Well what happened
to yours, Daddy?

Everybody!

Yes, that's lovely, darling.

I'm not sure the fish
are enjoying this.

Why don't you come upstairs
and have a little lie-down, hm?

Only if you're
going to join me.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, make love to me like
it was the first time.

Whee!

Does Mr. Peasbody want
to come out and play?

Oh!

Ah.

Well, I'm not
surprised she doesn't

like to do it with
the lights on.

Don't be so vulgar, Elvira.

(GASP)

She's in here?!

Now you listen to me,
you low-rent hussy.

This is my party, my bedroom,

my house, and Charles
is my husband.

What did she say?

She apologized unreservedly

and has taken herself
back downstairs.

Oh.

You should have been
an actor, Charles.

You really are rather good.

I'm sorry, Charles.

I'm just... I'm not
in the mood anymore.

(SIGHS)

I am.

Oh.

(ROOSTER CROWING)

(FISH SIZZLING)

(EDNA HUMMING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

(SIGHS)

Morning, darling.

You look shattered.

Yes, had a bit
of a restless night.

Yes.

Yes, I thought you were
thrashing around a bit.

I had Edna prepare Norfolk
kippers, your favorite.

Hm, that's very sweet.

I could do with
something hearty.

I fear I rather overdid
on the bubbles yesterday.

The party went by in
a bit of a blur.

Hm.

What are you stuck on?

22 down. Greek
god of retribution.

Seven letters. Third
letter M, seventh letter S.

(SIGHS)

Oh, Nemesis.

Hmm.

(EDNA HUMMING)

(GASPS)

Ah!

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SCREAMING)

(THUMP)

What on Earth has happened?

She said the place is cursed.

(KNIVES VIBRATING)

(RUTH GASPS)

EDNA: Not safe!
Not safe at all!

Edna? Ah.

You can't leave us!

EDNA: You can keep your job.

No, I'm getting out of here.

Go away!

(CRACKLING, BURNING)

I'm having nothing to do with
you, Go away!

Stay Edna. Please.

You stick your bleeding
job up your bum!

(SEAGULLS CALLING)

(SOFT MUSIC)

(CAT MEOWING)

Ah, there you are.

There you are.

Now, to work.

(SOFT MUSIC)

(CAT MEOWS)

Yes.

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(CAT PURRING)

Hmm.

Where are you?

(TYPEWRITER CLICKING)

(FRENCH ACCENT) - Detective,
I don't see how you can blame a girl

for falling in love
with the right guy

for the wrong reasons.

(NEW YORK ACCENT) But what about
that poor sap of a husband of yours?

Guys like him are
a dime a dozen.

What was he, the right
guy at the wrong place

at the wrong time?

(FRENCH ACCENT) - Oh, Detective,
just being close to you,

I feel as if I am
completely naked.

How do you always manage
to see right through me?

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(NEW YORK ACCENT) I see
things just the way they are.

The rest of the
world needs bifocals.

I'm not sure about
that last line.

It feels too, florid.

Need something simple
and to the point,

like... 'That's my job,
sweetie. I just do it.'

Ha.

Whatever you prefer. It's
your name on the script.

(TYPEWRITER CLACKING)

(CHARLES HUMMING)

And fade to black.

(TYPEWRITER RINGING)

Mm.

Well, dare I say,

I think the film's gonna be
even better than the book.

And we finished ahead
of the deadline.

Just wait till I tell Ruth.

Mmm.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Let's not tell her just yet.

(GASPS)

Oh, for heaven's sake.

Fiddlesticks.

Oh. Ah!

Damn and blast.

Oh, you alright, darling?

Knowing you're working fingers
to the bone makes it easier

for me to enjoy a few
blisters and burns.

Out of suffering have emerged

the strongest souls, my dear.

I've nothing to serve
for lunch, I'm afraid.

Oh, please don't
worry about it.

I'm not in the least hungry.

Dare I ask how it's
going over there?

The finishing line
is almost in sight.

Oh, thank goodness.

I don't like you alone
with her one iota,

but if it means
you're going to be able

to deliver the damn script,

then I can just
about tolerate it.

You and I do make
a good team, darling.

Hm.

I'd like us to move our beds
back together.

Permanently.

I think if we're going to be
separated during the days,

the least we could do is
spend our nights together

as, as man and wife.

I should like nothing more.

I'm going to take a walk.

Try to clear my head.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

Remember when we used to
play hide-and-seek along here?

And your reward when
you found me? (LAUGHS)

(GASP)

Look. Isn't he handsome?

He's magnificent.

He can sense me.

How wonderful not be
frightened of the unknown.

(LIGHT MUSIC)

You're not frightened,
are you, Charles?

Of what?

Falling back in love.

How is that possible
when we're existing

on two different planes?

I'm alive, and you're...

Don't. Don't say it.

(SOFT MUSIC)

I'm so sorry, Elvira, there's
no easy way to say this.

But I'm struggling to
see a future in us.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

You know, Charles, when you
give someone an eternity ring,

it's supposed to be a
love that lasts forever.

Charles?

(SOFT MUSIC)

(WATER LAPPING)

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(PLATE SMASHING)

(SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

(SIGHS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Charles, watch out!

(CHARLES PANICKING)

Damn.

(CHARLES GROANING)

She's dangerous, Charles.

Edna was almost scalped.

And look what happened to Edith.

What are you suggesting?

It's blindingly obvious
that Elvira came here

for one purpose and
one purpose only.

She came here to have
you to herself, forever.

Ow! How?

By killing you off, of course.

That's absurd.

Do you really think
the cabinet climbed up

onto the roof and jumped
off of its own accord?

Elvira might be prone
to temper tantrums,

but she still loves me.

She'd never wish me any harm.

Ah.

If you were dead, it would
be her final triumph over me.

She'd have you all to herself
on her beastly astral plane,

and I'd be left high and dry.

She's probably planning some
sort of spiritual remarriage.

(SOFT SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC)

What are we gonna do?

Yes, the guest's name
is Madame Arcati, room 14.

CLERK: One moment.

I'm sorry, but she
left yesterday.

Oh dear. Did she
leave any messages?

CLERK: I'm afraid not.

Thank you.

(PHONE HANGING UP)

She checked out yesterday.

(CHARLES WHIMPERS)

Well, there's nothing for it.

I shall have to get
myself arrested.

Spend the night locked
up in the cells.

No. We just have
to create our own

safe place for the night.

Right.

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

Now, gently does it.

Oh.

(SNIFFING)

Oh, precious.

Herba veneris.

Nature's divine protector.

(BIRDS SINGING)

(SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(DOG BARKING AND OWL HOOTING)

What are you doing with that?

I've just removed all the heavy

and sharp objects for a reason.

I thought you could keep
going with your script

while we're holed up in here.

Ah, umm... I've already
finished it.

(GASPS) Well, I thought you
said you were struggling.

On reflection, I
think I was overthinking

through the whole thing.

I'll give the manuscript
a quick read and drive it

over to the studio first
thing in the morning.

Oh, Charles, what
wonderful news.

Daddy's gonna be over
the moon. As am I.

Thank you, darling.

(CHUCKLES) Now we can both
focus on banishing Elvira

into oblivion once and for all.

Not a moment too soon.

Two's company.
Three's a nightmare.

(RUTH CHUCKLES)

(KISS)

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Nearly there.

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Vervain and dill hinder
witches from their will.

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(BIRDS CALLING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(GASP)

Charles.

Charles.

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SNORING)

(PHONE RINGING)

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

MADAME ARCATI:
Mrs. Condomine, I have news.

Doors are opening, and
change is in the air.

This is no time for
riddles, Madame Arcati.

We've been urgently
trying to contact you.

Charles's life is
in grave danger.

Elvira is trying to murder him.

I feared she might
become a malevolent spirit.

That's putting it
mildly. Where are you?

In Sussex.

I've gathered everything
together and now I'm ready.

For what?

Well, to send her
back, of course.

Stay put, Madame Arcati.
I'll come and collect you.

(SHRIEKING)

The telephone woke me.

Apologies if I scared you.

Ah, when Mr. Condomine
wakes up, tell him I've gone

to fetch Madame Arcati and I
shall be back before lunch.

(WHISPERS) Madame Arcati...
before...

(ENGINE REVVING)

(UPBEAT LIGHT MUSIC)

(SNORING)

(SNORING CONTINUES)

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(SNORING)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Don't hurt me, I beg you.

You all right in
there, Mr. Condomine?

I've never stopped loving you.

Oh.

I don't know what to say, sir.

You have a funny way
of showing it, Charles.

I was gonna put your
name on the manuscript

before I delivered it
this morning, I promise.

That won't be necessary, sir.

I'm a woman, Charles.

We're used to not getting
the credit we deserve.

No, I insist. I'll get changed
and leave straightaway.

Mrs. Condomine left
in the car a while ago.

She said she would
be back by lunchtime.

(GASP)

Elvira, what have you done?

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(SCREAMS)

(SCREAMING)

(SPLASH)

Oops.

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC)

♪ There are some things
that are out of my control ♪

♪ Like the wind and
the rain and the snow ♪

♪ You've completely
over-powered my soul ♪

♪ There are some things
that are out of my control ♪

♪ You make it summer
every day of the year ♪

♪ One glance from you and
the clouds disappear ♪

♪ Like forces of nature
we were meant to be here ♪

♪ Now this flame in my
heart burns for you ♪

♪ There are some things
that are out of my control ♪

♪ Passing time, the
seasons, growing old ♪

♪ You've completely
over-powered my soul ♪

♪ There are some things
that are out of my control ♪

Mr. Condomine, I would
just like to say that

I reproach myself bitterly.

You are not to
blame, Madame Arcati.

The fault lies squarely
on my shoulders.

It was my ambition and ego

that dragged us into
this unbearable mess.

And that's something I
shall have to live with

for the rest of my life.

The last time I spoke
with Mrs. Condomine,

your life was in danger.

I urge you to come and see me

at your earliest
possible convenience.

Here is my card.

I'll be waiting.

You're not going to
stay for refreshments?

Oh, please don't think
me rude, but I prefer

to contemplate the
passing of a spirit

in my own private way.

(MOURNERS MURMURING)

My sincerest condolences,
Mr. Condomine.

Shouldn't that
be congratulations?

What the hell
are you doing here?

Have you no shame?

It was an accident, Charles.
I was trying to kill you.

How can you be so heartless?

Death does that to you.

You know, you can always
tell how well regarded

someone is by the
attendance at their funeral.

What's that supposed to mean?

Bit of a poor turnout
today, if you ask me.

I barely counted forty people.

That does it.

(ELVIRA SHRIEKING)

Come here!

(LAUGHS) Just like old times,
Charles.

Ahh! With you chasing me
round the garden!

Only today there's gonna
be a different outcome!

(YELLS)

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC)

- Will you excuse me?
- Of course.

(MOURNERS MURMURING)

I'm sorry for your
loss, Mr. Mackintosh.

Ruth was a fine woman,
and a good friend.

I'm going to miss her deeply.

Thank you, Mrs. Bradman. I
know she was fond of you too.

I can't quite
believe she's gone.

My mother always said
that time is a physician

that heals every grief.

(SOFT PIANO MUSIC)

(MALLET WHOOSHING)

Ohh!

You never were
much of an opponent

on the croquet lawn, Charles.

You repulse me.

I'm going to kill you.

(CROWD PANICKING)

(PLATES CRASHING)

Don't be an imbecile.
I'm already dead.

You better fetch
your medicinal bag

before someone else gets killed.

Edna was right.
This place is cursed.

I can't bear to
see you ever again.

The feeling's mutual, Charles.

With age and disappointment,
you've become a pompous ass.

Charles, Charles!

Everything's gonna be splendid.

Not while she's
here, it won't.

Not while who's here?

Elvira!

(EXHALES)

(HEART BEATING)

Where am I?

In the loony bin.

(SCREAMING)

(MUFFLED SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING)

There's no point in
struggling, Charles.

The more you thrash around,
the longer they'll keep you in.

Why am I here?

You've been sectioned under
the Mental Treatment Act

and held under mandatory
observation for the next 28 days.

I hope you rot in hell.

It's not wise
to be bad-tempered

with the only person
who can help you.

I'd rather eat my own
tongue than ask you for help.

Hmm, You might
just get to do that.

Dr. McEwan is planning on
taking you down the corridor

in 15 minutes for
electric shock treatment.

- What?
- Mm.

No! No, come back. Wait.

ELVIRA: Of course,
there's usually a way

around these things.

What do you want from me?

I know you're never going
to forgive me, Charles,

and being stuck in
purgatory with you grieving

over another woman is a
fate worse than death.

I couldn't agree more.

Which is why I want a divorce.

With pleasure.

And I know just the person
who can execute that.

(STRAPS TIGHTENING)

(GROANING)

Good.

(ALARM BELL RINGING)

(UPBEAT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh, move over.

No way I'm putting my
life in your hands again.

Don't flatter
yourself, Charles.

When I think of what might
have happened if I'd succeeded

in getting you to the other
side, it makes me shudder.

Nothing but bickering and
squabbling for eternity.

Drive.

(UPBEAT DRAMATIC MUSIC)

(GEARS SHIFTING)

Looking back on
our married years,

I can see now with
horrid clarity,

they were nothing but a mockery.

You were feckless,
irresponsible,

morally unstable.

I think I realized that before
we left Budleigh Salterton.

Nobody but a monumental
bore would have thought

of going to Budleigh
Salterton for a honeymoon.

What's the matter
with Budleigh Salterton?

Seven hours a day
on a damn golf course

and a three-piece orchestra
playing Merrie England.

I'm surprised you didn't
complain at the time.

I remember you being
quite good at that.

I did complain.

But you wouldn't listen.

That's why I took a
romantic stroll on the moors

with Captain Bracegirdle.

What a blind fool I was.

Did he make love to you?

Only very discretely.

(GEARS SHIFTING, GRINDING)

Mr. Condomine. I'm so
relieved you've arrived safely.

Follow me.

Tonight the moon is full, and
we must harness its power.

We're both ready to perform

the banishment
ceremony immediately.

She's here?

Yes.

Are you sure she's
amenable to the process?

- Yes.
- Yes.

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

With this magic smoke I
invoke the spirit of moon fire,

dancer of time, mistress
of endings and beginnings.

(COUGHS)

To return our sacred sister
to her rightful sphere.

Still here?

- Yes.
- Yes.

To you, the spirit of earth.

To you, the element of air.

To you, the force of water.

To you, the power of fire.

And the gift of enchanter's dew.

(SOFT LIGHT MUSIC)

She still here?

Yes.

Yes.

Ghostly specter,
ghoul and fiend,

never more be thou convened.

Wolfsbane and holy rite,

banish thee into the night.

Oh, bladderwort, bladderwort.

Bladderwort.

Oh.

Oh yes.

Yes.

And bladderwort.

(GASPS)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Ruth.

Ruth?

(RUTH SIGHS)

Darling, I'm so
happy to see you again.

Blast. How could I
have been such a duffer?

Something must have
gone hideously wrong.

Yes, not for the first time.

You hussy.

Darling.

Save yourself the
effort. I'm already dead.

And more to the
point, so are you.

You popped your
clogs last Tuesday.

Don't be so insensitive.

Darling, are you in any pain?

Charles, what happened to me?

There was a car accident.

Which, I have to
admit, I had a hand in.

I'm sorry, Ruth.

I'm afraid sorry
doesn't quite cut it.

Well, even so, in the
spirit of complete openness,

I'd also like to
apologies for conducting

an affair with Charles
right under your nose.

Well, technically, we
are still married, so...

Stop it, Elvira. Ruth has
been through quite enough.

What are they
saying, Mr. Condomine?

Not now, Madame Arcati.

Things are becoming
quite strained.

You know, I should have
squeezed malum citrea

at the crucial point.

That's lemon juice. Lemon juice.

(THROAT CLEARING)

The only reason he was able
to get through that screenplay

in five days flat is
because I wrote it.

Yes...

Charles, is that true?

Not exactly.

And Charles didn't want
to tell you we'd finished

because he wanted to spend
more time alone with me.

(GASP)

Ugh.

Charles.

Let's not fight, darling.

Which darling are
you referring to?

But after everything
I put up with,

how could you do that to me?

It's not that
straightforward, darlings.

I mean, really, Charles,

you never loved Elvira or me.

The only person that
you loved is yourself.

No.

Finally, something
we do agree on.

If you wrote the script,

did he write any of those books?

No, not a word.

He took all the glory?

Aren't you staying
for the second act?

I think it's best I leave.

Hell hath no fury
like a woman scorned.

Try two of them.

Good luck with the lemons.

Where did he go?

Huh, he can run...

But he can't hide.

(SPIRITS LAUGHING)

(SOFT MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

Ghostly specter,
ghoul or fiend,

never more be thou convened.

Bladderwort, wolfsbane
and holy rite,

banish thee into the night.

(FIRE RAGING)

(MYSTERIOUS MUSIC)

(EMOTIONAL MUSIC)

Donald?

(BIRDS SINGING)

(ROMANTIC MUSIC)

Alright, I'm gonna start
with this medium shot here.

Then I'm gonna come
a little closer, okay?

Alright, let's
have some passion.

Alright, roll camera.

(BELL RINGING)

- Quiet, please.
- Quiet, please. Sound running.

ASSISTANT:
Scene 84, take one.

(BOARD CLAPPING)

CECIL: And action.

GARBO: Just being close
to you, Frank,

I feel as if I'm
completely naked.

How do you always manage
to see right through me?

CLARK: That's
my job, sweetie.

I just do it.

CECIL:
Cut.

(BELL RINGS)

CECIL: Reset.

I'm not, er... I'm not
feeling the last line.

Boy wonder, what else you got?

Uh... wh... uhh...

What about... 'I see things
just the way they are.

The rest of the
world needs bifocals.'

I love it.

Okay, reset.

Make-up.

I wanna move in closer.

(BELL RINGING)

You're a genius, Charles.

Audiences are gonna devour
the whole spiritualist angle.

Yes.

Just a shame Ruth
isn't here to enjoy it.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Mr. Condomine. Hedda
Hopper, Los Angeles Times.

Oh.

Hello.

How does it feel to
be the talk of the town?

Oh, that's awfully sweet
of you, but I'm not sure

anybody's really interested
in the lowly writer.

(GIGGLING)

Oh, I have a hunch that
my 35 million readers

will be enthralled by the
story of a serial plagiarist.

Plagiarist?

I know you revel in gossip
and scandal, Miss Hopper,

but that's a
completely outrageous

and unfounded accusation.

There is nothing
unfounded about the writ

that Senor Morales is serving.

Would you care to
comment on the fact

that your 15 Detective
Frank Flowers whodunnits

are based word for word on
the Inspector Francisco Flores

crime novels, which are
bestsellers across all of Mexico?

Say cheese, Mr. Condomine.

(FLASHBULBS POPPING)

CHARLES: You.

Don't look so
shocked, Charles.

You and I both know
there's no such thing

as an original story.

How could you?

CECIL: Can't
you just be quiet?

I'm trying to make
a picture here.

You scheming little witch.

So much for the
famous British charm.

♪ I'll be loving you Always ♪

♪ With a love
that's true... ♪

Stop it. Stop it.

♪ Always ♪

Stop it! No.

ELVIRA: Your first novel?
Greta Garbo speaking my words?

Stop it!

ELVIRA: You and I both know
there's no such thing

as an original story.

RUTH: Promise
you can't touch her.

ELVIRA: I'm a woman, Charles.

We're used to not getting
the credit we deserve.

RUTH: The only person
that you loved is yourself.

(ENGINE REVS)

(BRAKES SQUEALING)

Ooh.

What the hell do you
think you're doing?

You could have killed me.

I just did.

Oh.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC)

Oh.

Nobody will ever
forget you, Charles.

They'll remember
what a fraud you were.

Always.

♪ Au revoir, auf wiedersehen ♪

♪ We'll never meet again ♪

♪ Heaven's kinda
nice for roaming ♪

RUTH: Farewell,
Mr. Peasbody!

(ELVIRA LAUGHING)

CHARLES: You can't
just leave me here.

(RUTH YELPS)

♪ Off to paradise
we're strolling ♪

(RUTH SCREAMS. LAUGHS)

♪ Hanging off the
chandeliers all evening ♪

♪ While you lie in my web
of lies you're weaving ♪

Read all about it.

Read all about it.

Murdered British
crime writer revealed

to be serial plagiarist.

Oh, poor Charles.
How dreadful.

It's like a plot from
one of his novels.

Or perhaps from
someone else's.

(UPBEAT HORN MUSIC)

MADAME ARCATI:
Is anybody there?

Is anybody there?

One knock for yes,
two knocks for no.

CHARLES: Yes, I'm here.

Whatever happened to leaving
someone to rest in peace?

MADAME ARCATI: Mr.
Condomine, I simply wanted

to apologize for any
part I may have played

in your untimely demise.

CHARLES: You weren't behind
the wheel, Madame Arcati.

MADAME ARCATI:, No,
but I fear I may have

put fuel in the tank.

CHARLES: Well, c'est la vie.

MADAME ARCATI: I also
wanted to express my gratitude.

Without you, I would
still be searching.

CHARLES: Well,
at least one of us

is enjoying a happy ending.

MADAME ARCATI: May
I be so bold as to ask

what it's like on
the other side?

RUTH: Charles.

ELVIRA: Charles.

CHARLES: Complicated.

(SOFT, JAZZY TUNE)

♪ Your hand is on my hand ♪

♪ When I'm putting
pen to paper ♪

♪ We're in harmony ♪

♪ Trumpets in a band ♪

♪ Soprano and a tenor ♪

♪ Where you are is where I am ♪

(UPBEAT PIANO)

♪ My fellow, isn't it
swell to be with me ♪

♪ You were made to
stand in the shade ♪

♪ Now you're the
notes of my symphony ♪

♪ Our fingers intertwine when
I go to paint the picture ♪

♪ We're a vintage wine ♪

♪ The hourglass in the sand ♪

♪ A blessed gin and tonic ♪

♪ Where you are is where I am ♪

♪ Where you are is where I am ♪

(UKULELE MUSIC)

♪ I'm the top banana
in the greenhouse ♪

♪ I'm the cream
on the apple pie ♪

♪ It's hard to be humble
when you're genius ♪

♪ Eclipses the
stars in the sky ♪

♪ I'm light on my feet, the
toast of German Street ♪

♪ I'm the prince of Piccadilly,
dear, you'll wanna meet ♪

♪ So if you wanna say ahoy ♪

♪ Swing by the Savoy ♪

♪ I'm the top banana
in the greenhouse ♪

♪ I'm a champagne kind of guy ♪

♪ I'm a champagne kind of guy ♪

(GENTLE MUSIC)

♪ This life flies passed ♪

♪ No time to wait
in the shadows ♪

♪ This love might last ♪

♪ For a hit, follow the arrow ♪

♪ I feel the change
in the weather ♪

♪ Dark clouds are
gathering together ♪

♪ You're the sun that puts
the shine in my shoes ♪

♪ Takes away my blues ♪

♪ So let's sing, do I think ♪

♪ Like two birds we
belong together ♪

♪ Let's dance, take a chance ♪

♪ Make a moment last forever ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ I feel a change
in the weather ♪

♪ Dark clouds are
gathering together ♪

♪ You're the sun that puts
the shine in my shoes ♪

♪ And takes away my blues ♪

♪ So let's sing, do I think ♪

♪ Like two birds we
belong together ♪

♪ Let's dance, take a chance ♪

♪ Make a moment last forever ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Make a moment last forever ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

♪ Make a moment last forever ♪

♪ Let's dance ♪

Provided by explosiveskull
https://twitter.com/kaboomskull