All language subtitles for Roseanne10x08

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Margarita on the house
for the old married couple!

Happy anniversary.

I thank you.

There. Excuse me.

This is our 45th anniversary,
and, uh, I get to talk.

She's finally coming out of
her shell. Quiet, everybody.

Shh.

Now, we're not gonna sit here

and tell you guys how great we are.

You're gonna do it!

I want somebody to make a toast.

I'll do it.

Oh, pipe down, everyone.
Forrest Gump's talking.

I just wanna say how amazing it is

to see a marriage that lasts 45 years.

And, Mom and Dad, you set a
great example for all of us,

and it's a pretty high bar.

I mean, Darlene couldn't get over it,

and Becky's stuck under it,

and my marriage is...
It's not really a picnic.

I mean, my w...

Thank you!

Anyway, Mom and Dad, happy 45th.

Oh, Becky, since you're our
waitress for this evening,

do you guys have any special
anniversary song here?

Nice try. We only do birthdays.

- What a coincidence.
- Don't do it.

It's my birthday today!

Yay!

Hey, everybody! It's Darlene's birthday!

She's 60!

♪ Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪

♪ Feliz cumpleaños a ti ♪

♪ Feliz cumpleaños ♪

♪ A Darlene ♪

♪ iFeliz cumpleaños a ti! ♪

Ay-yi-yi-yi-
yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi-yi.

Thank you!

Ah.

So, are you guys doing anything
special for your anniversary?

You got to do something.

45 years... I mean, people
get less than that for murder.

Oh, got it!

Wait, do you guys get
points on your credit card?

We get threats. Is that the same thing?

No, you get points
for every dollar that you spend.

It's like a reward.

You can use 'em for, like,
travel or to buy things.

Yeah, you can stay
- at some nice hotel in the city

for your anniversary.

Put in your password, Dad.

Let's see how many points we have.

Well, this is the credit card we used

to pay off - all the other credit cards,

so we probably got a bunch.

We got enough for one night

at the Radford Suites,

with points left over for...

H-Hold me, Mama, 'cause I'm fit to bust...

A Honey Baked ham!

Did I mention the hotel has a pool?

Like if you had a ham and a room,

you'd ever come out of there to swim.

All right. I'm booking it.

And, as my anniversary present to you guys,

I'll babysit the kids.

It's not babysitting when they're yours!

"Roseanne" is recorded live
in front of a studio audience.

Right, we'll be there at 3:00.

And it's our anniversary,

so I really want this to be special.

I want to reserve the
biggest, nicest one you got.

Just like we had on our wedding night.

Is that the hotel?

No, it's the ham people.

Oh.

We're picking one up on the way.

Thank you. Thank...

You have a Honey Baked day, too.

Hey, we got a problem.

Two, if you don't think
leftover Chinese food

belongs in an omelette.

My knee is killing me,

and a bunch of my pain pills are missing.

This thing was, like, half full.

How many did you take?

Just a couple for my back.

Are you sure you didn't
take more than you thought?

If I was taking handsful of these pills,

I'd be in a way better mood.

Have you noticed me in
a way better mood, Dan?

The only thing I've noticed

is that I love you more every day.

Sir.

Well, somebody must have taken 'em,

so we have to find out who it was.

We have a serious opioid
problem in this country.

Let's examine who else had access

to the narcotics!

Everybody in this house.

You know, back in the day,
I busted up a hashish ring

in the... in the Model U.N.

down at the junior high.

It was Luxembourg.

It's always Luxembourg.

Darlene!

Good morning.

What brings you to the kitchen?

I was following a rainbow.

Uh, I just came down for coffee.

Mm. Interesting. Because you're groggy?

Unable to deal with the real world?

Oh, my God. Are you selling vitamins again?

Some of your mom's pain pills are missing.

Oh, well, I don't take pills of any kind.

I don't like to feel out of control,

or I can't manage my multinational empire.

How come there's sweet-and-sour
shrimp in the eggs?

You know, I don't think
I've noticed before...

Are you wearing eyelash extensions?

I literally can't even afford ChapStick.

Oh.

Because your natural lashes are fantastic.

Open up your eyes real wide.

Hmm. No slurred speech or pinpoint pupils.

Mom, what is this?

She's clean!

We're never gonna find out
anything like this, Rose.

There's been a ton of
people through this house.

Let's just hide the pills in a safer place.

Well, that doesn't solve my problem.

I can't get a damn
refill for two more weeks,

and my knee is holding a gun to my head.

Well, I could go to my doctor

and tell him my back's flared up again.

That's so sweet.

Tonight I'm gonna give your
back a reason to flare up.

Zut alors!

Hey, Crystal.

Hey!

Hey, everybody.

Guess what today is.

A fundraiser for your dignity?

No, no, no. You're such a stitch.

It's my last day before I retire!

All right!

It's about time.

You've been working that
saloon since when, 1865?

Give her a break, Roseanne.

There's a cattle drive
a-comin' through town,

and Miss Kitty wants her
to be real friendly-like

to all the cowpokes.

Laugh all you want, but
I'm about to start living

the best years of my life.

I'm retiring from the
casino with full benefits!

- Full benefits?
- That's amazing, Crystal.

No one has that nowadays.

I brought you champagne for tonight.

Hey, Crystal.

Uh, I didn't know exactly when
the women's movement would end,

but now seems like a
pretty good time to call it.

Hey, Darlene, you still looking for work?

'Cause if I recommend you for
my job, you're as good as in.

Aw, that's really sweet, Crystal.

Did I mention the benefits
package includes mental health?

I just found out I hate my mother.

Which is really weird
because I love my mother.

Wait, you have full benefits?

If you don't want it,
Darlene, I'll take it.

Um, you know what?

I-I appreciate the offer,
but it's not really my thing,

so go for it, Beck.

If you don't feel like you're
betraying your Mexican heritage.

Are you sure you want
to turn that job down?

For full dental and medical,
I'd wear that dress.

Oh, well, you got to that pretty quick.

Anything you want to tell me, Dad?

I gotta be honest, Darlene,

I don't know how you can pass
on a job with full benefits.

Uh, I have some pretty good reasons.

Shall we start with the
riverboat-whore vibe?

Hey, you know who wasn't
too good to wear that dress?

One Mr. Bugs Bunny.

Dad, I still want to be a writer.

I mean, I've gone from
novels to textbooks to menus.

If I take this waitress job,
I'm just giving up completely.

What are you gonna do if your
kids get sick, write about it?

Well, we managed so far.

You've been lucky. One
emergency can wipe you out.

You know what I'd give right
now to have full coverage

for your mother's knee?

Sometimes you just gotta suck it up

and put your family first.

Okay. You made your point.

Good.

I know a little bit about
how this world works.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go jam a sleep-apnea mask

and a seven-pound ham
into an overnight bag.

Good evening.

Checking in.

Points?

Last name?

Hilton.

Staying under the name Conner.

Perfect. I have you right here.

We have a superior deluxe room with a view.

Ooh! Were we upgraded?

Oh, no, sir.

"Superior deluxe" is our lowest level room.

You have a mini-bar,

and you also have 24-hour
access to our business center.

Oh, great. I can't wait
'til we're checked in, Dan,

so we can get down there
to the business center.

Capital idea.

I need to fax a copy of my ass
to our associates in Singapore.

If I could just get
- a credit card for incidentals?

For who?

The points cover the room,
but the card is in case

you want to order room
service or purchase a movie.

Oh, sure. I-I guess...
I'll just use this one.

Our platinum card's in the shop.

Okay.

Do I smell ham?

Hm.

I'm sorry, sir. This card was declined.

Would you like to try another one?

Uh, listen here, my good man,

we won't be getting any incidents,

so you can just skip that part.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I-I can't check you in
without a credit card.

It's just the policy of the hotel.

And every hotel in the world.

What the hell's this country coming to

when you need money to get free stuff?

Let me tell ya something,

I don't even want to stay here now.

I just want to go home.

And if you saw where we live,

you would know what an
insult that is.

Look at this.

This is not who I am.

It's what you've made me!

You know, screw that hotel.

The two most important
things about our anniversary

are right here.

What, me and ham?

I was gonna say "liquor and ham,"

but I'm glad you joined us.

And now...

...Mexican champagne.

Ooh!

It's pink. I guess that's the salsa.

Does Madame approve?

Hells, yeah, Madame does!

To the woman who makes it a pleasure

to wake up every morning.

Here's to you, Little Debbie.

- Yes!
- Who wants whipped cream?

Me.

Where are my baby birds?

Just for the kids.

Hey, look.

When you connect the dots,
it makes a giant bean.

You couldn't tell that
without connecting the dots?

- Hey, chica.
- Hey, gringa.

So, while I have you
alone for a minute, um...

I've really been thinking about it,

and I'd be pretty irresponsible
not to go after that job.

It doesn't work like that.

You can't say
- you don't want a job one day

and then turn around and say you want it.

Well, I see you're
well-versed in labor law.

I don't have any other options.

You don't need this job.
You have a college degree.

Well, unfortunately,
Walmart has no more openings

in their English Lit department.

You still have a better chance of
finding something than I do.

I don't know what to say,
Becky. I'm not doing this for me.

My kids need medical and dental.

Don't you want them to have that?

So because you have kids,

my problems will never
be as important as yours?

Oh, you're right.

Us single moms have had
it too easy for too long.

Uh, you might want to get back there.

Harris found some dirty
phrases in the word search,

and now the little ones
are asking questions.

Hey, my turn to spin the bottle now.

Okay.

Ohh!

Oh!

You got to kiss the ham.

I've kissed worse.

Mmm! Oohmm!

What's so funny?

Oh!

"Ham" is spelled the same
way frontward and backward.

Wow.

Methinks the lady hath been overserved.

Arf!

Are you growling at me?

Ruff!

I see how this is.

It's time to take this
party to the bedroom.

Arf!

Down, girl.

Ham!

Oh!

I gotta tell you,

I don't even recognize what
it is we're doing anymore.

What the hell, Rose?

You only had a couple of drinks.

Well, it's not my fault.

The champagne on the Vicodin should say

"Do not take with label."

But the good news is my knees are gone!

How could you possibly
have taken more Vicodin?

I didn't even get the prescription yet.

Well, you better get on it,

because my secret bottles are running low.

Hey, you look like my husband.

Hi.

Busy. Can't talk now.

I got an 8% tip riding on this.

Wait.

Crystal called me.

Thank you so much for
not going after that job.

You don't have to thank me.

I didn't want to leave here anyway.

We just got cream-filled churros.

It's an exciting time.

Okay. Um... I won't thank you.

But I will give you a gift.

Brochures? Thanks!

I've seen these at the bank,

but I never dreamed of owning one.

Just read it, dork.

There's a program in hotel
and restaurant management

at U of I, St. Charles,
and I checked into it.

You qualify for a state grant

because, luckily, you're poor and old.

I work full time. I don't
have time to go to school.

But they have night classes,
or you can do it online.

Come on, Becky. You were
always so great in school.

I'm 43 years old.

Okay, so in two years,

you can be a 45-year-old
waitress hustling for tips

or you can be a
45-year-old with a degree

pulling down almost six figures a year.

And look, between classes,
you can sit under a tree

and play guitar with one
friend of every color.

I gotta get back to work.

I'll think about it.

Okay.

Okay.

Thank you.

All right, I think I have
one more thing to show you.

I know you gave up a lot for me, so...

I feel I owe you this.

Good morning.

Afternoon, actually.

You okay?

My mouth hurts.

That's because the
tug-of-war over the ham bone

took 20 minutes.

When did that happen?

Right after you tried to eat my pants.

Let's talk.

Not until I get a pill. I'm hurtin'.

You want pills?

I got pills.

Wow.

That's a lot of pills, Dan.

I think you might have a problem.

I do have a problem.

I found these pills
hidden all over the house.

Why don't you tell me how
big of a problem I have?

Well, you already admitted
you have a problem,

so that's your first step.

So now you should go find a meeting.

Roseanne.

Okay, I'm in pain,

so I take a few extra pills.

It's not like I'm a drug addict.

Really?

Who's Billy Kreski?

His mom gave those to me.

He got 'em when he got
his wisdom teeth out.

If it wasn't for me,

the kid might've got hooked on pain pills.

You're hoarding pills,

you sent me out for more,

you blamed the kids... All lies.

45 years of marriage,

you've never lied to me like this before.

Or have you?

No.

I just didn't say anything

because we can't afford the surgery.

And I got these pills

'cause I'm gonna be dealing
with this for a long time.

You don't have any idea how bad it hurts.

Yeah, I do. I got a bad back.

And when your back goes out,

you lay on the couch for two weeks,

and I wait on you hand and foot.

You know what happens when my knee hurts?

I do the cleaning,
- the shopping, the cooking...

Fine! I'll do all that.

Just show me where the water bucket is

and the sponge on the stick thingy.

I'll cut back.

No, you won't.

You're taking these for more than pain.

Book the surgery.

Where are we gonna get
$3,000 for the deductible?

Look, if it's between you OD-ing

and me coming up with the
money, I'll figure out something.

In the meantime, I'll give you one pill

"every six to eight hours
for post-operative pain."

What the hell? Are You sure Marcy
Bellinger doesn't need these?

When you get new boobs,
compliments should be enough.

I got to take a walk.

I know you can do this.

Ohh.

Oh, boy.

Here's your Crown and diet, ma'am.

Thanks, drank skank.

Ooh, you forgot my lemon.

Would you be a dear?

When I get back with a lemon,

are you gonna ask me to bring you a lime?

I wouldn't want to have to tell the manager

you mistreated me on my... birthday.

I'll be right back.

Excuse me, sir.

That blonde over there asked
me to give you her number,

and she loves when guys send pics.

There you go. Good luck.

Synced and corrected by louvette
www.addic7ed.com