All language subtitles for The.Goldbergs.2013.S08E14.WEBRip.x264-ION10

Back in the '80s,

daytime talk shows
reigned supreme,

from Donahue to Joan Rivers, to Geraldo.

Americans ate up
the low-stakes drama
and high-stakes fights.

And for Barry and Geoff,
their queen of afternoon TV

was Philly legend Nancy Glass.

Explain to me
how you find yourself

in a relationship
with a sex doll.

Pathetic.

This fool can't find
real love, so he wants
to marry a doll?

Nancy always knows
what to say,

which in this case is,
"You can't marry a doll!"

That doll's not even
that attractive.

Believe me. I've seen
some gorgeous dolls
in my time.

Barry and Geoff
were superfans,

and the only thing
that could be better

than watching Nancy on TV
would be seeing her show live.

Okay. Remember
when my dad cured
that guy's blindness,

after first causing
that guy's blindness?

While he was sightless,
he developed a super
sense of smell.

Which is how he sniffed out
the killer mold that was
growing in his walls.

Your dad saved that man's life
by being so-so at his job.

Blowing right by
all of that...

So, that guy's son
works for Nancy Glass,

and he gave me two tickets!

Tickets to see Nancy live?
Is this really happening?

It's happening, all right.

Erica...

...will you go see
Nancy Glass with me?

Yes! Yes!
A thousand times yes!

Oh! My baby's gonna be
in the audience of
a daytime talk show!

That's every
mama's dream.

We got to plan your outfit.

If I'm gonna be on TV,
I want maximum skin exposure,

so I need to find
my most formal bikini.

My child's gonna steal focus
from the freak show onstage!

You're taking
that random girl over me?

Barry ...n't "Barry" me.

You're always choosing Erica,
and I'm sick of it!

Boyfriends and girlfriends
do special things together.

And best friends don't?

She breathes on my neck
and makes me dizzy.

My breath smells bad, too.

Her hugs are full-body.

Big Tasty's hugs
are also full-body.

-Here's proof.
-Oh, please don't.

-Let our bodies become one.
-Oh, I prefer them as two.

That's right.
Wear your friend Barry
like a big, warm coat.

♪ I'm twisted up inside

♪ But nonetheless
I feel the need to say

♪ I don't know the future

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was March 24th,
1980-something,

and my girlfriend,
Brea, was off

to visit her cousin
at college,

which for two teens in love,
wasn't easy.

I can't believe
we're not gonna see each other

for three whole days.

We've never been apart
that long.

One last kiss
before you go?

-Hell, yes!
-Mom!

Sorry, Schmoo.
You've got
that lazy eye.

It wasn't clear
who you were talking to.

Here's a fun way
to know the difference...
It's never you!

Oh.

We'll just save
that kiss
for later.

-Okay. Love you.
-Love you too.

Sorry. The eye
keeps finding me.

So, where's Brea
off to, kiddo?

Visiting her cousin
at the University of Virginia.

Hold on.

You're letting Brea
visit a college

south of
the Mason-Dixon line,

in a state that's famously
"for lovers"?

She's not visiting the school.
She's visiting her cousin.

Cousin visits are gateways
to actual college visits.

One minute, you're all, "Yay!
Our moms are sisters."

And then, the next minute,
"Mmm, yeah.

"I think I could spend
four years here."

Where are you going
with this?

Is a question I'm sure
I'll regret asking.

Once Brea strolls past
the columns of
the UVA Rotunda

and then picnics next to
the waters of Lake Monticello,

she will fall in love
with the place.

Where is all this specific
UVA information coming from?

Have you and Brea even talked
about your college plans?

A little.
We're both applying to NYU.

So you explicitly told her

that you wanted to go
to school together?

No, but we'll have that talk
once we both get in.

Then everything will be
hunky-dory.

You mean,
hunky dog [BLEEP]!

While you're in the Big Apple
yelling at taxis,

she'll be watching
a shirtless blacksmith

making horseshoes
while saying,
"Oh, I do declare."

Shirtless blacksmith?

At least he should be wearing
a leather apron

while working the flame.

A-And stop trying to get
in my head.

There's a famous saying...

"If you love someone,
never set them free."

That's not the saying.

Murray, a little help?

Nah. Sounds like
she's doing a thing.

Adam, who knows ladies
better than me?

I'm still scoring
left and right.

It's honestly too much.

-Ew.
-So much "ew."

And how do I get
all that sweet ew?

Confidence!

Let Brea Bee be.

You can talk about the future
when she gets back.

-I'm going with Pops.
-Damn it, old man!

Really? Usually,
people just pretend
to listen to me

and then do
whatever they want.

I don't even do
the listening part.

Pops,
I trust you completely.

When it comes to dames,
you know your stuff.

Look who's back, baby!

Argh!
I hurt my back.

While Pops
was helping me with Brea,

Barry was looking for help
with Geoff from the JTP.

-JTP!
-JTP!

Wait. It's just you,
Matt Bradley?

It was just me
-when you came in.
-Where's Naked Rob?

He's getting
his knee surgery.

He'll finally be able to walk
without pain.

What about Andy?
Let me guess.

-Height surgery.
-Close.

He's on a semester abroad
in Sweden.

Those giant blond people
will try to put him
in their pockets.

-Maybe I can help.
-Mmm, it's a big "maybe,"
but here goes.

As you know, one of the things
Geoff and I share

as best friends
is our love of Nancy Glass.

Oh, how could you not?

Despite this bond,

who's he taking
to a live taping?

My sister.

Also known
as his girlfriend.

Also known
as "I don't care."

He's been choosing Erica
over me for years.

It has to stop.

Barry, it's not
as simple as that.

Erica isn't just
Geoff's girlfriend.

She's gonna be
his wife one day.
Everyone knows it.

-So?
-So it makes things
complicated.

I know things are weird
for you,

but imagine how weird
things would be for Geoff

if you were dating
his sister, Joanne.

Oh, my God.
You're right.

Wait. Are you actually
listening to me?

Indeed, Matt Bradley.

And now I know how
to fix things with Geoff.

By dating Joanne.

Oh, no.

Oh, yup.

I'm gonna love
his sister so hard,
it'll make him insane.

-That doesn't sound right.
-Then I'll make him watch.

Only one way
to interpret that.

Then he'll realize he should
take me to see Nancy Glass.

Ta!

And this one got away
from me.

While Barry was off
to chase Geoff's sister,

Pops came to stop me
from chasing Brea.

Okay. There's no way
your mom is done

trying to convince you
Brea is on the outs.

So I'm here to help.

What's the chalkboard for?

Well, you kids
are always making lists.

I want to be
in on the fun, so...

"Adam and Pops' Day
of Distraction."

"Adam" starts with "A,"

so one slant left
and one slant right.

Pops, you can just tell me.

Now let's connect
these suckers.

Oh, damn it.
I started so strong!

Oh, you've almost got
an "A" there.

Out, Blondie.
The boy's taking
my advice for once.

I just thought it'd be nice
if Adam surprised Brea

with a quick phone call.

I don't need to call Brea.
We're fine.

Plus, she's on the road.
There's no way to reach her.

Lucky for you,
I've calculated
her likely rate of speed,

miles per gallon
on her VW Rabbit,

and the time she'll
slow down to admire
herself in the mirror.

According to
my calculations,

Brea should be
at this gas station,

and I've got the number
on speed dial.

-Do not.
-Oops.

Be strong, Adam.
I have a great day planned.

First, we hit
the pinball machine
at Riley's.

Uh, is there
a young woman there?

Name's Brea,

red hair,
eyes that are fine
but not gorgeous.

Brea?

It's her.
Uh, hello?

Uh, hi there, fine eyes. Adam?

Why are you calling me here?

And how did you find me?

A boy never
reveals his secrets.
I mean man!

All man!
A man of men!

I can't believe
you did this to me!

Uh, yeah.
I'm kind of running late.

My cousin's
taking me to a party
at the Rotunda tonight.

The Rotunda, huh?
Sounds funda.

The Rotunda?

Jefferson patterned it
after the Parthenon!

The Greeks, Adam.

Sell NYU hard!

Uh, Adam,
I really got to go.

But next year,
we should...

Aw, she hung up!

Good!
Back to my thing.

Now, I like starting
my D's with the big,
round belly part.

Oh, God!
Am I losing her already?

Yes, you are.

Unless ...less what?

Unless we drive down
to Virginia

so you can tell that girl
how you feel.

A mother-son road trip?

Mother-son road trip.

Oy, gevalt!

I'm already packed.

So are you.
I'll meet you at the car.

As my mom and I started
our trek to Virginia,

Barry was determined
to drive Geoff crazy.

Joanne Schwartz.

Funny meeting you here
where your roommate
said you'd be.

Barry Goldberg?

I'm glad I'm here
at law school,

'cause I have
a confession
to make.

-Mmm-hmm?
-I'm guilty

of falling for you hard.

What are you
talking about?

We can't stand
-each other.
-Careful.

Lying to this jury
will get you a life sentence
of happiness.

Are you hitting on me?

I once convinced you that our
broken fridge was a spaceship.

You got stuck inside
for hours.

Eh, near-death prank
or childhood flirtation?

Near-death prank.
And remember when I told you
my mom's estrogen pills

were a rare Japanese candy
and you swallowed a handful?

I was young and gullible.

-It was last spring.
-Okay.

We've had a fun give-and-take
over the years.

Here's the deal.

I'm in a love triangle
with your brother
and my sister.

I don't think that means
what you think it means,
but go on.

He favors her more
every day.

It's gotten so bad,

he's taking Erica to see
Nancy Glass instead of me.

What?

Erica's the last person
he should take.

-It should be me.
-You?

Oh, I'm made
for that audience.

No one "oohs" at salacious
revelations like me.

You mean like this?
Oh! Oh, ah!

That's weak.
Here. Check it.

Oo-oo-ooh!

No. It's oh-whoa!

Oh, wow.
You've got skills.

Thank you.
So, are we doing this?

I'll pretend
to be your girlfriend

just until Geoff realizes

he shouldn't take Erica
to Nancy Glass,

but then the battle
for the ticket is on.

It's a foolproof plan.

All right.

Determined to make Geoff see
the error of his ways,

Joanne and Barry
put their plan in motion.

Whoa.
Does this mean Barry is...

Skin stuff.

-But who?
You may enter.

Oh, God!
What am I looking at?

You're looking at
my new romantic partner,

my lover, my flame,
my main squeeze.

So much squeezing.

Pardon the sock
on the door.

Our bodies and tongues
were entwined.

Like snakes
when they do it.

I have so many questions
that I don't want to
know the answers to.

Yeah. I'm super confused.
What is this?

Me and your closest
living relative

have fallen
madly in love.

-Hmm!
-Joanne, you are my queen.

-Ooh!
-Which I'm told is
the best piece in chess.

Also, I like your face
and butt.

This is obviously
not real.

I know it's crazy,
but we realized
all the years of teasing,

we were just fighting
our true feelings.

But no more,
and we have you
to thank for that.

Yeah. If you hadn't
broken the seal of dating
your best friend's sister,

which most of
the civilized
world recognizes

as a sacred taboo ...ah.

...we wouldn't have had
the courage to take a chance.
Now, would we?

You know what?
This is great.

-Is it?
-Yep.

And we are gonna celebrate
with our first double date.

So we'll meet you
out front.

-Sound good?
-Sounds great.

Barry's my favorite
mode of transportation,

so I hope this
doesn't bother anyone.

Yee-haw, baby.

Yee-haw!

Why are you
encouraging them?

'Cause they're obviously
just trying to get
under your skin.

But they can't keep this up.
Trust me.

I'm gonna leave this
on the inside of the doorknob,

'cause we're
about to go at it
in the hallway.

While Barry
and Joanne tried to
get on Geoff's nerves,

my mom and I
were on the road
to Virginia.

Ooh. Let's practice
what you say
when you see her, okay?

I'll be Brea.

Adam!
What in tarnation
are you doin' here?

Why does Brea
sound like Delta Burke

looking for a husband
at a picnic?

The South
changes people, Schmoo.

My, oh, my, Adam.
Is that you?

Listen, Brea,

I really want us to go college
close to each other.

-Mmm.
-In New York.
What do you say?

That's nice,
but a gentleman

would have told me sooner
to show he cared.

But I'm saying it now.

My life is here now,

where we drink sweet tea
and race crawdads.

Race crawdads?
How does that work?

Play along.
Brea just dismissed you.

Fine.

Wait, Brea,

my beautiful
chicken-fried steak!

My love for you could fill
a thousand Piggly Wigglys

with fried okra
and Moon Pies!

Aw,
I'm not saying
the right words.

That's it.

Don't tell Brea
how you feel.
Show her.

Oh, my God.
You're right.

The classic Goldbergs'
big romantic swing!

And this one
will be the biggest,

because I'm overly involved.

She really was.
Unlike my dad.

Where is everyone?
Actually, forget about it.

The important thing is
they're gone.

Because you gave me
no help,

they're road-tripping
to ol' Virginny!

Virginia?
That's a lot of gas.

Focus.

Adam's gonna tell Brea

they need to go
to college together
next year,

and he'll look like
an insecure,
needy nudnik.

Maybe the girl will think
it's sweet.

It's gonna be
over-the-top embarrassment.

Hello?

Yeah. I got it.
Thank you very much.

That was the bank.

Apparently,
somebody in Maryland
tried using my credit card

to buy a white steed.

A white steed?

I've seen that kid
ride a bike.
This isn't gonna end well.

Damn it,
now I have to do things.

Why didn't you
say something?

Oh, go yourself.

As my dad
worried my mom and I
were getting out of hand,

Barry was not letting go
of Joanne.

Babe, pop a fry
in my mouth.

Yeah.

Oh!

Mmm. I have only
one free hand,

'cause my other is holding
your sister's and never
letting go.

Yeah. We nearly crashed
when you were driving us here.

What happed to 10:00
and 2:00, mister?

Oh, yeah.
I'd like your hands
on my 10:00 and 2:00.

-Mmm-hmm.
-Also my 4:00 and 8:00.

That's too many hands!

And you're both
clearly annoyed

that I'm taking
Erica to see Nancy,
but this is too much.

What'd I miss?

Oh, just our new,
in-your-face love.

-Joanne?
-Yeah?

Will you accompany me
to the karaoke
sign-up sheet?

Oh, my God.
Our first trip together!

I know this is fake,
but they're both so insane,

they may actually be made
for each other.

They're not.
They just share
the stubborn ability

to commit to this
fake relationship.

Which is weirdly cute.

-Am I rooting for them?
-Please don't.

Next up, Goldberg
and Schwartz singing Islands in the Stream.

Oh, Barry,
what are you doing?

What?

Your sweet, stupid brother
is trying to make up with me.

And you got there how?

Islands in the Stream?

Goldberg and Schwartz?
That's our go-to karaoke song.

It's a classic
romantic duet.

So romantic,
but we sing it ironically.

♪ Baby, when I met you
there was peace unknown

♪ I set out to find you with a fine-tooth comb

What the hell?

♪ I was soft inside

♪ There was something
goin' on

They're singing
our ironic song sincerely.

♪ Islands in the stream

♪ That is what we are

♪ No one in between

♪ How could we be wrong? ♪

Stop! You're making something
hilarious beautiful!

This is the first
of many things
I'll make beautiful

instead of hilarious
as I choose my girlfriend...

Mmm!...over my best friend.

Poems. Rom-coms.
Noticing haircuts.

You know,
if your whole problem
is this supposed

best friend-girlfriend
triangle, I can fix it
for you right now.

We're no longer best friends.

With that, Geoff made Barry realize his plan had misfired.

Instead of getting
his best friend back,

he'd pushed him away.

Meanwhile, my mom and I
were ready to pull off
a Southern romantic gesture.

How do I look?

If I was a girl your age,

I would fall into your arms
and never let you go.

I wish I didn't
find that comforting.

Here goes nothing.

I'll go ready the fog machine,
balloons, and confetti.

This was it.

I had my tux, my flowers,

and one shot to convince Brea
not to move south forever.

My mom and I had thought of everything.

Except that.

Oh, balls!

Murray? What are you doing
in the Deep South?

Saving the boy
from making the biggest
mistake of his life.

You drove down
to stop me?

Damn right.
This is a huge mistake.

Look at your mom
with the balloons.

I mean, how many
balloons is that?

The appropriate amount...
Murray.

Let's go.

Damn it,
we know what we're doing.

We already role-played
the whole scenario.

Let's do it again,
only this time, I'll be Brea.

-Go ahead.
-Fine.

Brea, I never want us
to be apart.

You stay away from me,
you needy, lazy-eyed freak.

Go kiss
your Starboy dolls.

I bet you'd like that,
you weirdo.

Wow.
So much extra mustard.

Look, your mom
got in your head.

She seems to think that if you
go away for a little while,

you go away forever.

Huh. That does
sound like her.

If you decide to stay here
with Brea,

she'll have a breakdown.

It's no coincidence
she has two kids

going to college
just miles away from home.

Oh, my God!
How did I not see it?

This has been about you
the whole time!

That is outrageous!

But maybe.

I almost ruined
my relationship

because of your
crazy insecurity.

Is it so wrong that I want to
keep my babies close to me?

If it stops them from living
their lives, it sure is.

I don't even want to be
near you right now.

The day had arrived.

Geoff and Erica were seeing
Nancy Glass live,

and it was even better
than they could've imagined.

So you're saying the ghost
not only liked your pets

but it knew
your dog's name?

I can't believe
we're actually here.

Now let's open it up
to the audience.

Any questions?

-I've got a couple.
-Barry?

Your guests had
a hard time when the ghost
who was haunting them

moved on to another house?

They did feel alone
and forgotten.

Might a man feel
similarly dismissed

if his best friend
started dating his sister

and then treated him
like hot garbage?

I imagine that would be
very hard.

Follow-up!

Isn't it possible
that "this guy"

that that gentleman
is referring to

is actually
just a giant selfish baby?

Also, how did
you get in here?

Think you're the only person
who knows the son
of a blind guy

who almost died of mold?

Do you two know each other?

That's my supposed
best friend, who's
dating my sister.

And that's the
no-longer-my-best-friend

who's pretending to date
my sister.

Fake or not,
you should support us.

Hey. I'm the girlfriend
of the brother's best friend,

and I'm starting to think
that my boyfriend,
who I adore,

asked the wrong person
to the show.

Wait. What?

I want to focus on this,

because you're all
clearly hurting right now.

And also, ghosts aren't real.

I'm sorry.
They're just not.

Names?

-Uh, Geoff.
-Erica.

-Barry.
-Desdemona Von Jorgerson.

Erica, why do you think Geoff

asked the wrong person
here today?

They watch
your show together
all the time.

It's, like,
their favorite thing.

I love you, Erica,

and I just wanted to share
this experience with you.

Aw!

That love used to be
for me.

Barry, let me take
a stab at this.

Do you suppress your feelings

and then let them
all out at once
like an emotional volcano?

Holy crap,
she's good.

What do you want
to say to Geoff
right now?

Be honest, but be calm.

There's no one
in the world I'd rather
have date my sister.

Aw!

But you're still
my best friend,

and sometimes I want
my special time with you.

-Geoff?
-I guess our situation

is a little more complicated
than I realized.

And I could be better

about making sure
we have time to hang out.

Barry, what do you want to do
right now?

Be sincere.

-Hug.
-Geoff?

Let our bodies
become one.

Let's do it, boys.

Just like that,

Nancy Glass
fixed Barry and Geoff.

As unlikely as that was,

there was another unexpected
mediator that day.

-My dad.
-Let's go.

Not with me.
You're going
with your mom.

No way.

Look, your mom
is an anxious person.

She's an all-time worrier,
but nine times out of ten,

that worrying keeps you kids
safe and happy.

-I know.
-Your mom is terrified about
you going to New York.

But it's how you want to
chase your dreams,

so she's behind you 100%.

She is, isn't she?

Come on.
Give her another chance.

♪ We got something going on ♪

Get goin'.

I am so sorry, Schmoo.

I promise,
from here on out,

I will never interfere
with your happiness again.

No matter how far away
it may take you.

You will.

♪ Ah-ha ♪

But... It's okay.

It's easy to want the people
we love to stay close by.

Mostly 'cause, deep down, we're afraid they won't come back.

But the truth is
that time apart

could make you realize
what needs to change.

And that change can open up
a world of possibilities.

Hey. What are you
doing here?

I just wanted to
let you know

that you may have been
my pretend boyfriend,

but you were way better
than most of my real ones.

Aw, you're just
saying that.

I'm not.

And I was thinking,

it was so much fun
when we were pretending,

would you ever want to,
I don't know,

not pretend?

♪ If you got no one,
and you just walk
in the night

What's happening out here?

I'm not sure,
but I think
I'm gonna find out.

♪ ...the real thing ♪

Yep,
life is full of surprises.

It's the twists
and turns that keep
the journey exciting,

no matter how far you go.

♪ No one in between ♪

I missed you.

Really?

So much.

Virginia's beautiful,
but it's way too far away
from you.

In the end, absence does make
the heart grow fonder.

As it turns out,
when you love someone,

it's okay to let them go.

'Cause if that love is real,

you can always rely
on each other.

I'm Nancy Glass
and tonight we'll hear

very different views
on those issues.

I don't want to call you
a liar, but no one here
believes you.

Smells good.
What are you cooking?

Oh, just some fried catfish,
hush puppies,

sweet potato pie,
and Mama's famous
fried okra.

Brea's coming over!
She can't know
we've been down South!

Quit your fussin'.

I reckon I'd never tell tales
about goin' down yonder.

Damn it, woman.
Get it together!

Please. You ain't knee-high
to a June bug,

so don't pitch a hissy fit,
and set a spell.

There she is!

Now, don't get
too far in here,
'cause we gotta git.

I mean go! Damn it!

I thought
we were having dinner.

-Are those hoecakes?
-There's no way to know!

-Move, move, move!
-What? Oh!

Y'all come back now, ya hear?