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>> Evening.
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I'm Mr. Houghton.
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I'll be your driving teacher.
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>> Uh, excuse me,
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uh, what happened to
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Mrs. Pendleton?
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>> Evening, I'm Mr. Houghton.
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I'll be your driving teacher.
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Can I get a clap?
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That's better.
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Now, 90% of you in this class
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will die in a car crash,
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but for those 10%...
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let's get started.
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You, volunteer for Mr. Houghton.
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>> Okay.
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>> Get in the simulator, please.
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>> Sure.
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>> Thank you, Gary.
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>> My name is Paul--
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>> Sit down, Gary.
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Context: your mother is sick
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with diarrhea and you must drive
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her to the hospital before
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it's too late.
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>> Okay.
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>> Start the car.
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>> Sure.
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>> Well, damn, Gary,
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check the mirrors.
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Safety first. (chuckling)
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All right, cool.
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Let's pull off.
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Well, your neighbors are waving,
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Gary, you're not gonna
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wave back?
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Be a good neighbor, Gary.
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>> Sorry.
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>> Damn it, Gary!
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While you were waving,
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you hit a squirrel, chipmunk
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and a family of ducks.
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>> What ducks?
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>> Now, go down the hill.
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Good.
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Okay, now, Gary, slow down.
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(chuckling) You're going down
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the hill, Gary.
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>> Okay.
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>> Let go of the gas.
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>> Sure.
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>> Come on, Gary, let go
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of the gas, Gary.
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>> Uh, no gas pedal,
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just the simulator--
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>> Gary, think of your mother,
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Gary, it's way too fast.
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>> (stammers) I-- I'm not
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on the pedal.
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>> I'm getting scared, Gary.
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Please let go of the gas.
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Please, Gary, come on.
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Think of your mother, Gary.
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>> There's no--
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>> Just slow down!
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Gary, please!
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Let go of the gas, Gary!
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>> Okay!
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(tires screeching)
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>> (whimpering, sobs)
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You got blood on your hands
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now, Gary.
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>> But, how did-- I don't--
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>> All you had to do was slow
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down, Gary, not try to kill me.
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>> I didn't try to kill you.
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They're just chairs.
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>> (imitating ambulance siren)
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>> Finally, some real help.
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Why, Gary, huh?
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Why'd you scorn me?
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Was it jealousy?
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Was it my family, Gary?
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Are you jealous of my family,
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Gary?
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>> What? No.
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>> You making love to my wife,
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Gary, hmm?
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Avina Houghton?
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You leave her alone, Gary!
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>> I don't even know your wife,
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Mr. Houghton.
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>> You broke my neck, Gary.
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You have failed.
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But most importantly, because
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of your heedless driving,
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your mother has defecated
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in her pants.
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See you tomorrow.
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You're a criminal, Gary.
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**
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>> Hi.
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Just so you know, you can try
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out anything you like.
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>> Really?
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>> Yeah.
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>> Man, can you believe we're
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high school seniors
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and still virgins?
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>> It's so embarrassing.
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>> Yeah, at least you guys
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are 17, you know.
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I'm turning 18 tomorrow,
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and if I don't lose my virginity
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tonight, I will be the biggest
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loser ever.
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And I'll be boiled alive
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as a virgin sacrifice
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to the sun god Tonatehu.
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>> (chanting) Tonatehu,
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Tonatehu...
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>> (screaming)
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>> Man, I don't want to end up
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like Itzel, he's a huge loser,
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you know?
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>> Was a huge loser.
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>> Oh, yeah!
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Burn!
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>> 'Cause he died.
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>> Literally burned, like,
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he just boiled in that.
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>> That's not funny.
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>> Oh, man, look, all right,
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listen: tonight my parents are
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leaving the village, all right?
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We'll throw you an epic party
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and get you laid.
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>> Yes!
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Come on, say yes.
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>> Yes!
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Yes!
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No girls like me, none.
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I'm gonna spend eternity as one
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of Tonatehu's sun slaves.
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>> Why don't you relax?
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Take it down a notch, okay?
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Why don't you talk to Ichtaka?
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Talk to her.
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>> I can't, Ichtaka is too cool.
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>> You just gotta have
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confidence, man.
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What if we just scrape all
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your body hair off
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with an animal tooth?
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Just...
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>> This is all too scary.
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>> Dude, what's scarier,
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just talking to a girl
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or getting your whole body
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boiled in front of the entire
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capital of Tenochtitlan?
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>> You're right, you're right.
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Here goes nothing.
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>> All right?
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>> Okay.
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>> Stop looking at us
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and go over there.
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It's not gonna work.
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>> He's terrible.
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He's shaking her hand.
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What-- What is this, like,
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a-- some business deal?
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>> Her hand is still on his
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hand, though.
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I don't know if it's gonna--
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it is working.
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She looks interested.
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>> He's going for it.
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>> Oh!
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The handshake, that's the move!
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Oh, hey, Molly.
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>> How did it go?
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>> Pretty awesome.
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>> Yeah, so did you do it?
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>> Well... sort of, you know?
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Sort of-- what we did, um,
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we did second base, which...
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Do you know if that counts?
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>> Yeah, it should count.
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>> Yeah, yeah, dude.
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That totally counts.
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>> Okay, good, 'cause I feel
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like it should count.
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>> I'm certain it counts.
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>> It's gonna count, baby.
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>> It doesn't count.
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>> My bad.
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>> We didn't have sex, okay?
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But what we did was sexy,
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you know?
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>> (chanting) Tonatehu...
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>> Oh, boy.
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(screaming)
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Whoa, I am boiling!
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I'm holding my own heart
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as it melts!
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>> (sighs)
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You know, I never really liked
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that guy.
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>> Dude, me either.
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>> Everybody should be driving
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something.
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Walking around is dangerous
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in the city.
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You, you slow down.
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Slow down!
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Sir, what prompted the decision
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to get a scooter and not a car?
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The middle finger is the answer.
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>> Hot coffee-- ooh, aah!
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Hot coffee, hot coffee.
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Hot-- Hot coffee, hot coffee--
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Aah! Aah!
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Ooh! Aah!
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>> Look here, guys.
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We're dealing with the most
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organized, sophisticated, and
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elusive gang of dope dealers
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the city has ever seen before.
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And it hurts me to say this
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because I knew their fathers.
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But they must be stopped.
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But the problem is nobody can
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actually catch 'em.
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>> Well, that's 'cause they
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never messed with anybody in
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Precinct 35 before.
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I mean, we're the most decorated
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cops there are out there.
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>> You're right, that's why I
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handpicked all y'all.
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So let's take this team down,
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y'all ready?
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Let's do this.
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**
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>> Who are those guys?
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>> Allegedly those are the sons
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of the Harlem Globetrotters.
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The Harlem Blowtrotters.
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(grunts)
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(sighs)
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Look, although we didn't get
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them this last time, okay,
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the Harlem Blowtrotters
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will be going down in the next
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few weeks.
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>> Well, how, boss?
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What, we got new police
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technology?
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>> Nope, can't afford that.
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But what we can afford is
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Detroit Pistons legend,
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Bad Boys superstar...
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my main man, Mr. John Salley.
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John Salley.
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(applause)
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>> Obviously we're gonna teach
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you all how to play the game,
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since you're being played by
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these Blowtrotters,
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so we're gonna act like
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this is a basketball game.
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This is the triangle defense.
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I know you've heard of the
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triangle offense.
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When you see the dope dealer
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with the dope, don't go
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for the fakes.
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Follow the dope.
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Follow the crack.
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Follow the cocaine.
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Who's the star of the
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Blowtrotters anyway?
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>> I think it's Crack Reilly.
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>> No, no, no, it's Yellow Rock
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Mellon.
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>> We're talking about
288
00:08:13,927 --> 00:08:14,697
basketball, not soccer.
289
00:08:14,695 --> 00:08:15,355
>> Are you the one on drugs?
290
00:08:15,362 --> 00:08:15,962
>> All right, all right,
291
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:16,733
all right, all right.
292
00:08:16,730 --> 00:08:18,400
Obviously these cops suck,
293
00:08:18,398 --> 00:08:19,198
but this is the deal.
294
00:08:19,199 --> 00:08:20,929
I want you to focus
295
00:08:20,934 --> 00:08:22,474
on the cocaine.
296
00:08:22,469 --> 00:08:23,699
Are we ready to go?
297
00:08:23,704 --> 00:08:24,574
>> Yeah!
298
00:08:24,572 --> 00:08:25,212
>> Go get 'em!
299
00:08:25,205 --> 00:08:25,865
>> Let's do this, y'all,
300
00:08:25,873 --> 00:08:26,943
come on!
301
00:08:36,650 --> 00:08:39,650
>> (screaming)
302
00:08:39,653 --> 00:08:40,423
>> Wait a minute.
303
00:08:40,420 --> 00:08:41,290
We cops, okay?
304
00:08:41,288 --> 00:08:41,988
We've got guns; why don't we
305
00:08:41,989 --> 00:08:42,819
just shoot 'em, huh?
306
00:08:42,823 --> 00:08:44,063
Let's just shoot 'em.
307
00:08:44,057 --> 00:08:45,727
>> (laughing)
308
00:08:45,726 --> 00:08:47,186
We got your guns.
309
00:08:52,966 --> 00:08:54,896
>> I'm Keith, and this is Kenny.
310
00:08:54,902 --> 00:08:55,972
>> And welcome back to
311
00:08:55,969 --> 00:08:57,099
"Squabblin' & Quarrelin'."
312
00:08:57,104 --> 00:08:58,544
Tonight's actually the 45th
313
00:08:58,572 --> 00:08:59,842
anniversary of our show.
314
00:08:59,840 --> 00:09:00,910
>> And we want to thank you all
315
00:09:00,908 --> 00:09:02,908
for watching 45 years
316
00:09:02,910 --> 00:09:04,310
of cutthroat debate.
317
00:09:04,344 --> 00:09:05,914
>> So tonight, please enjoy
318
00:09:05,913 --> 00:09:07,453
our most legendary squabbles
319
00:09:07,447 --> 00:09:09,547
and quarrels.
320
00:09:09,583 --> 00:09:10,783
>> Neil Armstrong and
321
00:09:10,784 --> 00:09:12,094
Buzz Aldrin have landed
322
00:09:12,085 --> 00:09:12,915
on the moon.
323
00:09:12,920 --> 00:09:13,790
Question: Buzz...
324
00:09:13,787 --> 00:09:14,817
You think it's a nickname
325
00:09:14,822 --> 00:09:15,662
or a real name?
326
00:09:15,656 --> 00:09:17,586
>> I hope it's a real name,
327
00:09:17,591 --> 00:09:21,031
but I fear it's a nickname.
328
00:09:21,028 --> 00:09:21,928
>> Man, I'd be real sad
329
00:09:21,929 --> 00:09:23,429
if disco catches on.
330
00:09:23,430 --> 00:09:24,200
>> I actually like it.
331
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:25,497
>> I like it, too.
332
00:09:28,035 --> 00:09:29,095
>> Sad news today, guys.
333
00:09:29,102 --> 00:09:30,472
Richard Nixon resigned.
334
00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,840
He's probably gonna be the best
335
00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:32,709
president ever.
336
00:09:32,706 --> 00:09:34,006
>> Indeed, man.
337
00:09:34,007 --> 00:09:37,207
A classic tale of hubris.
338
00:09:37,210 --> 00:09:38,310
>> I've got a serious problem.
339
00:09:38,311 --> 00:09:38,951
>> What's up?
340
00:09:38,946 --> 00:09:40,306
>> I got a fly in my bedroom.
341
00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,483
I can't get rid of it.
342
00:09:41,481 --> 00:09:42,321
>> Yeah, I've had this problem
343
00:09:42,315 --> 00:09:43,115
before.
344
00:09:43,116 --> 00:09:44,116
See, what you gotta do
345
00:09:44,117 --> 00:09:45,947
is you gotta wait still
346
00:09:45,953 --> 00:09:47,193
and then pounce.
347
00:09:50,457 --> 00:09:54,027
That was extremely good.
348
00:09:54,027 --> 00:09:54,957
>> Yo, what are those things
349
00:09:54,962 --> 00:09:57,562
Pac-Man eats, cookies?
350
00:09:57,564 --> 00:09:59,574
>> It's either that or chips.
351
00:09:59,566 --> 00:10:00,866
>> Could be space crackers.
352
00:10:00,868 --> 00:10:03,468
>> Yes.
353
00:10:03,470 --> 00:10:05,310
>> Y2K is gonna destroy us.
354
00:10:05,305 --> 00:10:08,475
>> I'm ready to die.
355
00:10:08,508 --> 00:10:09,508
>> Give it up to Steve Harvey's
356
00:10:09,509 --> 00:10:10,509
flattop, everybody.
357
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:12,410
>> Thanks for having me.
358
00:10:12,412 --> 00:10:13,652
>> How do you urinate?
359
00:10:13,647 --> 00:10:15,017
>> Oh, it's a process.
360
00:10:15,015 --> 00:10:16,475
You first got to get on the head
361
00:10:16,483 --> 00:10:17,923
of a person and then beg them
362
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,248
to let them pee out them.
363
00:10:19,252 --> 00:10:20,522
>> What's your favorite bug?
364
00:10:20,520 --> 00:10:22,620
>> Walking stick.
365
00:10:22,656 --> 00:10:24,156
>> Frankfurter sounds way more
366
00:10:24,157 --> 00:10:25,357
appetizing than hot dogs.
367
00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,888
>> I already knew that, man.
368
00:10:28,996 --> 00:10:30,596
>> All right, that's the show.
369
00:10:30,597 --> 00:10:32,697
>> (both) Bye.
370
00:10:32,733 --> 00:10:33,503
>> Have a good weekend...
371
00:10:33,500 --> 00:10:34,740
or weekday.
372
00:10:36,837 --> 00:10:38,537
>> Hey, um, how much
373
00:10:38,538 --> 00:10:39,268
for this TV?
374
00:10:39,272 --> 00:10:41,742
>> Uh, this one is, uh... 1,300.
375
00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:42,682
>> Okay.
376
00:10:42,676 --> 00:10:44,176
And just to be clear, uh,
377
00:10:44,177 --> 00:10:45,277
what's your return policy?
378
00:10:45,278 --> 00:10:46,708
>> It's 30 days full refund.
379
00:10:46,714 --> 00:10:47,954
>> Okay, even if it's opened?
380
00:10:47,948 --> 00:10:48,618
>> Yeah.
381
00:10:48,615 --> 00:10:49,675
>> Perfect. I'll take it.
382
00:10:49,683 --> 00:10:51,523
>> Okay, great.
383
00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:52,518
>> Just hold on to this for me.
384
00:10:52,519 --> 00:10:55,059
>> Okay.
385
00:10:55,055 --> 00:10:56,655
(cardboard cutting)
386
00:11:00,527 --> 00:11:02,027
>> Hey, um, can I return this,
387
00:11:02,029 --> 00:11:03,259
please?
388
00:11:03,263 --> 00:11:04,733
>> Okay...
389
00:11:04,732 --> 00:11:05,472
>> Cool, good?
390
00:11:05,465 --> 00:11:06,095
>> Yeah.
391
00:11:06,099 --> 00:11:07,529
>> Money. Thank you.
392
00:11:07,534 --> 00:11:09,674
**
393
00:11:19,246 --> 00:11:20,246
>> Say, Jack.
394
00:11:20,247 --> 00:11:20,947
>> Hey, what's up, brother?
395
00:11:20,948 --> 00:11:21,608
>> Oh, I'm chilling, man.
396
00:11:21,614 --> 00:11:22,754
So, look, man, I saw this jive
397
00:11:22,750 --> 00:11:24,050
turkey here the other day,
398
00:11:24,051 --> 00:11:24,721
right?
399
00:11:24,718 --> 00:11:25,748
He called me up, and I'm like,
400
00:11:25,753 --> 00:11:26,723
"Look here, man, I ain't got
401
00:11:26,720 --> 00:11:27,760
time for your mess.
402
00:11:27,755 --> 00:11:28,815
You give my my bread, sucker."
403
00:11:28,822 --> 00:11:30,292
You know what I mean?
404
00:11:30,290 --> 00:11:31,660
>> Well, I'll put it like this.
405
00:11:31,658 --> 00:11:32,788
You knew who you were, who he
406
00:11:32,793 --> 00:11:33,763
was, when you lent him the
407
00:11:33,761 --> 00:11:34,561
money.
408
00:11:34,561 --> 00:11:35,731
Toss that up, you understand.
409
00:11:35,729 --> 00:11:36,599
It's a learning experience.
410
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:37,326
You keep stepping with that,
411
00:11:37,330 --> 00:11:38,070
'cause all that's gonna do is
412
00:11:38,065 --> 00:11:38,925
get some drama, somebody get
413
00:11:38,932 --> 00:11:41,632
hurt, somebody go to jail.
414
00:11:43,971 --> 00:11:45,241
Catch you on the B-side.
415
00:11:45,238 --> 00:11:46,568
>> All right.
416
00:11:52,579 --> 00:11:53,579
>> Hey, man, what you wanna do
417
00:11:53,580 --> 00:11:55,020
while we wait for this pizza?
418
00:11:55,015 --> 00:11:56,145
>> I was thinking we'll go to an
419
00:11:56,149 --> 00:11:57,749
alternate universe where
420
00:11:57,751 --> 00:11:58,821
MC Hammer is king.
421
00:11:58,819 --> 00:11:59,589
>> That sounds dope.
422
00:11:59,586 --> 00:12:00,516
How we gonna get there?
423
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:01,320
Time machine?
424
00:12:01,321 --> 00:12:03,261
>> Nah.
425
00:12:03,256 --> 00:12:05,456
Hammer Time Machine.
426
00:12:05,458 --> 00:12:08,128
It's time to travel to a time
427
00:12:08,128 --> 00:12:09,828
where Hammer is.
428
00:12:09,830 --> 00:12:10,700
>> You could just say, "It's
429
00:12:10,697 --> 00:12:12,167
Hammer time."
430
00:12:12,165 --> 00:12:13,195
>> You're right.
431
00:12:13,200 --> 00:12:17,140
**
432
00:12:17,137 --> 00:12:18,637
Holy crap, dude!
433
00:12:18,638 --> 00:12:19,608
>> Man, Hammer World is dope,
434
00:12:19,606 --> 00:12:20,506
man.
435
00:12:20,507 --> 00:12:21,207
>> This is sick!
436
00:12:21,208 --> 00:12:21,978
Ah, look at that.
437
00:12:21,975 --> 00:12:23,135
See, he's doing his taxes happy.
438
00:12:23,143 --> 00:12:24,213
This is great, man.
439
00:12:24,211 --> 00:12:25,181
That's a little strange,
440
00:12:25,178 --> 00:12:26,278
actually.
441
00:12:26,279 --> 00:12:27,109
>> Man, why aren't you brothers
442
00:12:27,114 --> 00:12:27,824
dancing?
443
00:12:27,815 --> 00:12:29,315
You gotta dance, man.
444
00:12:29,316 --> 00:12:30,776
Hammer commands it!
445
00:12:30,784 --> 00:12:31,624
>> That seems a bit impractical,
446
00:12:31,618 --> 00:12:32,448
don't you think?
447
00:12:32,452 --> 00:12:33,352
>> Oh, it is.
448
00:12:33,353 --> 00:12:35,293
But you got to dance before it's
449
00:12:35,288 --> 00:12:36,788
too late.
450
00:12:36,790 --> 00:12:38,490
Oh... it's too late.
451
00:12:38,491 --> 00:12:40,161
>> Oh, it's more dancers.
452
00:12:40,160 --> 00:12:41,360
>> Yeah, why aren't you two
453
00:12:41,361 --> 00:12:43,161
dancing, you twin bastards?
454
00:12:43,163 --> 00:12:44,003
>> There's a lot of reasons.
455
00:12:43,997 --> 00:12:44,967
We don't like dancing in front
456
00:12:44,965 --> 00:12:45,625
of people.
457
00:12:45,632 --> 00:12:47,372
You guys look foolish. Ah.
458
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:48,137
>> We just kind of like to
459
00:12:48,135 --> 00:12:49,065
chill, man, you know?
460
00:12:49,069 --> 00:12:52,139
>> Come with us!
461
00:12:52,139 --> 00:12:54,309
>> Well, well, well,
462
00:12:54,307 --> 00:12:55,137
heh heh heh.
463
00:12:55,142 --> 00:12:56,512
If it ain't those pesky twins
464
00:12:56,509 --> 00:12:58,009
from Sector Seven.
465
00:12:58,011 --> 00:12:59,151
You know who I am?
466
00:12:59,146 --> 00:13:03,146
I, MC Hammer, decreed everybody
467
00:13:03,150 --> 00:13:05,490
must dance till I say stop!
468
00:13:05,485 --> 00:13:06,585
And I ain't never gonna say
469
00:13:06,586 --> 00:13:07,416
stop!
470
00:13:07,420 --> 00:13:09,420
So you gonna dance or what?
471
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,162
>> No.
472
00:13:10,157 --> 00:13:11,257
>> No, probably--
473
00:13:11,258 --> 00:13:13,658
>> (growls) You're close.
474
00:13:13,660 --> 00:13:16,400
Well, I sentence both you two
475
00:13:16,396 --> 00:13:17,656
to die!
476
00:13:17,664 --> 00:13:18,604
Get 'em, gods!
477
00:13:18,598 --> 00:13:20,498
Hammer gods, get 'em!
478
00:13:20,500 --> 00:13:22,000
Get 'em, Hammer gods!
479
00:13:22,002 --> 00:13:22,902
Come on, everybody, dance, man.
480
00:13:22,903 --> 00:13:24,913
Get 'em! Stop playin'!
481
00:13:24,905 --> 00:13:25,905
Don't do the Running Man, just
482
00:13:25,906 --> 00:13:28,176
actually run and get 'em, man.
483
00:13:28,175 --> 00:13:29,175
>> Everybody's just dance--
484
00:13:29,176 --> 00:13:30,336
they're just dancing in place.
485
00:13:30,343 --> 00:13:31,683
>> Yeah, that's cool, man.
486
00:13:31,678 --> 00:13:33,008
>> I'll do it myself.
487
00:13:33,013 --> 00:13:33,853
Here we go. Ohh!
488
00:13:33,847 --> 00:13:34,847
>> (both) Peace, Hammer.
489
00:13:34,848 --> 00:13:36,248
>> "2 Legit 2 Quit" was dope.
490
00:13:36,249 --> 00:13:37,679
>> Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
491
00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:39,394
Stop! Mm! Gotta go back.
492
00:13:39,386 --> 00:13:40,916
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,
493
00:13:40,921 --> 00:13:42,521
uh-oh... uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh...
494
00:13:42,522 --> 00:13:44,292
>> Take it easy, man!
495
00:13:44,291 --> 00:13:46,091
>> Typewriter was a bad choice.
496
00:13:46,093 --> 00:13:47,693
It's a gift and a curse.
497
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,204
(electronic tone playing)
498
00:13:50,197 --> 00:13:52,397
**
499
00:13:52,399 --> 00:13:54,169
(crunching)
500
00:14:02,309 --> 00:14:03,309
>> Hey, officer.
501
00:14:03,310 --> 00:14:04,440
Give me five.
502
00:14:09,917 --> 00:14:11,377
(sighs)
503
00:14:17,290 --> 00:14:18,190
Thank you.
504
00:14:25,165 --> 00:14:27,425
>> * Hey, hey, hey, hey
505
00:14:31,972 --> 00:14:35,512
>> ... I-N-E.
506
00:14:35,508 --> 00:14:36,408
Serrefine?
507
00:14:36,409 --> 00:14:38,409
>> That is correct.
508
00:14:38,411 --> 00:14:40,111
>> Things are really heating up
509
00:14:40,113 --> 00:14:41,013
at the McFall County Spelling
510
00:14:41,014 --> 00:14:41,784
Bee.
511
00:14:41,781 --> 00:14:43,251
And I should know, 'cause I'm
512
00:14:43,250 --> 00:14:44,480
former weatherman and your host
513
00:14:44,484 --> 00:14:46,524
for the evening, Evan Michaels.
514
00:14:46,519 --> 00:14:47,589
Now, let's welcome our next
515
00:14:47,587 --> 00:14:49,287
contestant...
516
00:14:49,289 --> 00:14:51,089
Oh, my God.
517
00:14:51,091 --> 00:14:51,791
Ladies and gentlemen, the
518
00:14:51,791 --> 00:14:54,431
saddest little boy in the world,
519
00:14:54,427 --> 00:14:55,997
Bobby Gubbs.
520
00:14:55,996 --> 00:14:56,626
>> Hello, Mr. Michaels.
521
00:14:56,629 --> 00:14:58,499
>> Hello, Bobby Gubbs.
522
00:14:58,498 --> 00:15:00,098
>> I haven't seen you since my
523
00:15:00,100 --> 00:15:01,630
parents died in that tornado you
524
00:15:01,634 --> 00:15:02,844
forgot to predict.
525
00:15:02,835 --> 00:15:05,265
>> Never forget it... ever.
526
00:15:05,272 --> 00:15:06,112
Okay, Bobby, your word today
527
00:15:06,106 --> 00:15:09,876
is... "conflagration."
528
00:15:09,876 --> 00:15:10,806
Could we actually get him a
529
00:15:10,810 --> 00:15:11,510
different word?
530
00:15:11,511 --> 00:15:12,711
>> Conflagration.
531
00:15:12,712 --> 00:15:13,552
Can I please have the
532
00:15:13,546 --> 00:15:14,876
definition, please?
533
00:15:14,881 --> 00:15:16,481
>> Sure, um...
534
00:15:16,483 --> 00:15:18,493
Conflagration means...
535
00:15:18,485 --> 00:15:19,785
a disastrous fire.
536
00:15:19,786 --> 00:15:20,786
>> Oh, like the one that burned
537
00:15:20,787 --> 00:15:22,487
down my orphanage!
538
00:15:22,489 --> 00:15:24,119
There was so many screams and
539
00:15:24,124 --> 00:15:25,294
only one exit.
540
00:15:25,292 --> 00:15:29,302
C-O-N-F-L-A-G-R-A-T-I-O-N.
541
00:15:29,296 --> 00:15:30,326
Conflagration.
542
00:15:30,330 --> 00:15:31,630
>> Good job, Bobby.
543
00:15:31,631 --> 00:15:32,531
That is correct.
544
00:15:32,532 --> 00:15:33,372
>> Thank you!
545
00:15:33,366 --> 00:15:34,296
(applause)
546
00:15:34,301 --> 00:15:35,071
>> Thank you, Bobby.
547
00:15:35,068 --> 00:15:36,168
Now, folks, let's welcome to the
548
00:15:36,169 --> 00:15:38,909
stage Ines Pascal.
549
00:15:38,905 --> 00:15:41,505
Your word is "catastrophe."
550
00:15:41,508 --> 00:15:42,638
>> Uh, could you use that in a
551
00:15:42,642 --> 00:15:44,312
sentence, please?
552
00:15:44,311 --> 00:15:46,311
>> I can help you with that.
553
00:15:46,313 --> 00:15:47,713
Catastrophe.
554
00:15:47,714 --> 00:15:49,184
Catastrophe is a great event
555
00:15:49,182 --> 00:15:51,152
that causes horrible suffering,
556
00:15:51,151 --> 00:15:52,751
like the time that my school bus
557
00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,322
just plunged into the river.
558
00:15:54,321 --> 00:15:56,161
Aah! People were yelling.
559
00:15:56,156 --> 00:15:57,086
I was the only one near the
560
00:15:57,090 --> 00:15:57,990
emergency exit.
561
00:15:57,991 --> 00:15:58,691
>> Bobby, I'm gonna have to ask
562
00:15:58,691 --> 00:15:59,491
you to sit down, or otherwise,
563
00:15:59,492 --> 00:16:01,332
you'll be disqualified from the
564
00:16:01,328 --> 00:16:02,158
competition, okay?
565
00:16:02,162 --> 00:16:03,332
>> All right.
566
00:16:03,330 --> 00:16:04,030
>> Okay, Bobby.
567
00:16:04,031 --> 00:16:04,831
>> Huh?
568
00:16:04,831 --> 00:16:06,901
>> Please... sit down now.
569
00:16:06,899 --> 00:16:09,699
(whispering) Sit. Sit down.
570
00:16:09,702 --> 00:16:11,842
Sit on down, Bobby!
571
00:16:11,838 --> 00:16:12,938
Sorry, folks.
572
00:16:12,939 --> 00:16:16,279
Ines, catastrophe, please.
573
00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:17,776
>> Catastrophe.
574
00:16:17,777 --> 00:16:21,847
C-A-T-A...
575
00:16:21,848 --> 00:16:28,288
... S-T-R-O-P-H-E.
576
00:16:28,288 --> 00:16:29,688
>> (both) Catastrophe.
577
00:16:29,689 --> 00:16:30,419
>> That is correct.
578
00:16:30,423 --> 00:16:32,863
Congratulations, Ines.
579
00:16:32,859 --> 00:16:34,759
>> ... N-G-E.
580
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:35,901
Carnage.
581
00:16:35,895 --> 00:16:37,025
I learned about that at the Boy
582
00:16:37,030 --> 00:16:38,370
Scouts jamboree.
583
00:16:38,365 --> 00:16:41,365
... A-M-I, tsunami.
584
00:16:41,368 --> 00:16:42,968
The government says I'm a magnet
585
00:16:42,969 --> 00:16:43,599
for them.
586
00:16:43,603 --> 00:16:45,773
... G-I-O-N.
587
00:16:45,772 --> 00:16:47,912
(sneezes)
588
00:16:47,907 --> 00:16:48,937
Contagion.
589
00:16:48,941 --> 00:16:49,741
(bell dinging)
590
00:16:49,742 --> 00:16:50,582
I don't-- I don't know what that
591
00:16:50,577 --> 00:16:51,707
one means.
592
00:16:51,711 --> 00:16:52,581
>> If you spell this word,
593
00:16:52,579 --> 00:16:54,709
Bobby, you'll be our next
594
00:16:54,714 --> 00:16:56,624
spelling bee champion.
595
00:16:56,616 --> 00:16:57,876
Predictably, your word is
596
00:16:57,884 --> 00:16:58,894
"somber."
597
00:16:58,885 --> 00:17:00,085
>> Somber.
598
00:17:00,087 --> 00:17:03,887
S-O-M-B-E--
599
00:17:03,890 --> 00:17:04,660
(buzzer)
600
00:17:04,657 --> 00:17:05,427
Aah!
601
00:17:05,425 --> 00:17:07,885
>> Ohh, Bobby, I am so sorry.
602
00:17:07,894 --> 00:17:09,734
We were actually looking for the
603
00:17:09,729 --> 00:17:10,399
alternative international
604
00:17:10,397 --> 00:17:15,437
spelling, S-O-M-B-R-E.
605
00:17:15,435 --> 00:17:16,965
So sorry.
606
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,309
>> It's okay.
607
00:17:19,306 --> 00:17:21,806
Losin's not so bad.
608
00:17:21,808 --> 00:17:23,278
It's not like the time that
609
00:17:23,276 --> 00:17:24,136
little roaches crawled into my
610
00:17:24,144 --> 00:17:26,184
ears to make small homes for
611
00:17:26,179 --> 00:17:27,409
themselves.
612
00:17:27,414 --> 00:17:28,584
Or the time I got caught in a
613
00:17:28,581 --> 00:17:29,521
refrigerator in the middle of
614
00:17:29,516 --> 00:17:30,576
the dump.
615
00:17:30,583 --> 00:17:31,623
People think it'd be cold, but
616
00:17:31,618 --> 00:17:33,418
it was actually very hot.
617
00:17:36,089 --> 00:17:38,019
>> Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
618
00:17:38,024 --> 00:17:39,864
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
619
00:17:39,859 --> 00:17:41,329
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh,
620
00:17:41,328 --> 00:17:42,328
uh-oh...
621
00:17:49,102 --> 00:17:52,112
**
622
00:18:02,382 --> 00:18:03,782
>> Hey.
623
00:18:03,783 --> 00:18:06,123
You guys wanna hang out?
624
00:18:06,119 --> 00:18:09,019
Hi.
625
00:18:09,021 --> 00:18:11,361
Hey...
626
00:18:11,358 --> 00:18:13,358
Hey!
627
00:18:13,360 --> 00:18:15,260
Hi!
628
00:18:15,295 --> 00:18:16,895
**
629
00:18:16,896 --> 00:18:18,166
>> (announcer) Julia Jeffers
630
00:18:18,165 --> 00:18:20,195
wanted her boyfriend to change.
631
00:18:20,200 --> 00:18:21,400
>> Refreshing.
632
00:18:21,401 --> 00:18:22,471
>> Can you not flirt with women
633
00:18:22,469 --> 00:18:23,699
right in front of me?
634
00:18:23,703 --> 00:18:24,503
>> Oh, come on with all that
635
00:18:24,504 --> 00:18:26,974
again, okay, just chill out.
636
00:18:26,973 --> 00:18:28,343
>> (announcer) But when karma
637
00:18:28,341 --> 00:18:29,411
rings...
638
00:18:29,409 --> 00:18:30,639
(phone vibrating)
639
00:18:30,643 --> 00:18:34,313
**
640
00:18:34,314 --> 00:18:35,654
(electricity sizzling)
641
00:18:35,648 --> 00:18:39,148
>> Aaaah!
642
00:18:39,152 --> 00:18:39,922
>> (announcer) ... she finds
643
00:18:39,919 --> 00:18:42,159
herself totally bowled over.
644
00:18:42,155 --> 00:18:43,585
>> Aaaaah!
645
00:18:43,590 --> 00:18:44,990
>> (announcer) Now Julia has to
646
00:18:44,991 --> 00:18:46,661
decide if he's still her number
647
00:18:46,659 --> 00:18:47,329
one...
648
00:18:47,327 --> 00:18:48,757
>> You can do so much better.
649
00:18:48,761 --> 00:18:49,901
>> You guys don't know Terry
650
00:18:49,896 --> 00:18:50,826
like I do.
651
00:18:50,830 --> 00:18:52,000
I'm not leaving him just because
652
00:18:51,998 --> 00:18:53,028
he's a toilet.
653
00:18:53,032 --> 00:18:53,832
>> (announcer) ... or just a
654
00:18:53,833 --> 00:18:55,103
piece of (bleep).
655
00:18:55,101 --> 00:18:56,171
>> Baby, I just think monogamy,
656
00:18:56,169 --> 00:18:57,939
it's unnatural.
657
00:18:57,937 --> 00:18:59,007
>> He's a cheater and a toilet
658
00:18:59,005 --> 00:18:59,835
man.
659
00:18:59,839 --> 00:19:01,569
>> I believe in us, Terry.
660
00:19:01,574 --> 00:19:02,384
And you just want to flush it
661
00:19:02,375 --> 00:19:03,575
all way.
662
00:19:03,576 --> 00:19:05,446
>> Starring Jen Bartels.
663
00:19:05,445 --> 00:19:06,505
>> The fact that he's a toilet
664
00:19:06,513 --> 00:19:08,353
is not even in the top five
665
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:10,078
reasons why he's undatable.
666
00:19:10,116 --> 00:19:11,246
>> (announcer) And introducing
667
00:19:11,251 --> 00:19:13,051
Milton "Lil Rel" Howery as the
668
00:19:13,052 --> 00:19:15,152
Toilet Bowl.
669
00:19:15,188 --> 00:19:16,518
>> Oh... oh, no, baby.
670
00:19:16,523 --> 00:19:17,623
Uh, she just a friend.
671
00:19:17,624 --> 00:19:19,634
No, I'm serious. Julia...
672
00:19:19,626 --> 00:19:21,556
J-Julia! Julia!
673
00:19:21,561 --> 00:19:22,861
(tires screeching)
674
00:19:22,862 --> 00:19:23,702
(crash)
675
00:19:23,696 --> 00:19:24,756
You've really done it this time,
676
00:19:24,764 --> 00:19:25,534
Terry.
677
00:19:25,532 --> 00:19:28,542
Julia, if you can hear me,
678
00:19:28,535 --> 00:19:29,935
(choking up) I love you.
679
00:19:29,936 --> 00:19:32,706
Lord... just give me a chance
680
00:19:32,705 --> 00:19:34,705
number two.
681
00:19:34,707 --> 00:19:35,907
>> (announcer) It's deuces wild
682
00:19:35,908 --> 00:19:38,448
when it comes to love.
683
00:19:38,445 --> 00:19:39,775
>> Oh, baby, you up?
684
00:19:39,779 --> 00:19:41,549
**
685
00:19:41,548 --> 00:19:43,578
I'm just a toilet...
686
00:19:43,583 --> 00:19:45,893
standing in front of a girl...
687
00:19:45,885 --> 00:19:47,585
asking her to love him.
688
00:19:50,223 --> 00:19:51,763
>> You've come a long way.
689
00:19:51,758 --> 00:19:53,828
>> We've come a long way.
690
00:19:53,826 --> 00:19:56,056
>> Ohh, baby, give me a kiss.
691
00:19:56,062 --> 00:19:58,472
>> (laughing)
692
00:19:58,465 --> 00:19:59,395
>> Eww.
693
00:19:59,399 --> 00:20:00,299
>> Mmm! (chuckling)
694
00:20:00,300 --> 00:20:02,440
>> Please don't do that anymore.
695
00:20:04,671 --> 00:20:05,411
>> (announcer) "Ur in" this
696
00:20:05,405 --> 00:20:07,235
Christmas.
697
00:20:07,274 --> 00:20:08,074
>> How do you think they have
698
00:20:08,074 --> 00:20:08,814
sex?
699
00:20:08,808 --> 00:20:09,978
>> Mmm.
700
00:20:09,976 --> 00:20:11,106
>> So Josh really wants to be in
701
00:20:11,110 --> 00:20:12,250
this Hammer Time sketch.
702
00:20:12,245 --> 00:20:13,575
Um, thing is, the sketch
703
00:20:13,580 --> 00:20:14,580
involves a lot of dancing,
704
00:20:14,581 --> 00:20:17,181
and Josh sucks at dancing.
705
00:20:17,183 --> 00:20:18,653
We told him that if he
706
00:20:18,651 --> 00:20:20,351
auditioned and did a decent job,
707
00:20:20,353 --> 00:20:21,593
we would put him into the
708
00:20:21,588 --> 00:20:22,258
sketch.
709
00:20:22,255 --> 00:20:23,285
But we lied to him, we never
710
00:20:23,290 --> 00:20:24,020
were gonna put him in the
711
00:20:24,023 --> 00:20:25,123
sketch, 'cause he would ruin it.
712
00:20:25,124 --> 00:20:26,034
>> Running Man, let me see
713
00:20:26,025 --> 00:20:29,095
Running Man-- lift those heels.
714
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:32,295
(laughter)
715
00:20:35,435 --> 00:20:36,265
>> One of the saddest things
716
00:20:36,269 --> 00:20:37,169
I've ever seen.
717
00:20:37,169 --> 00:20:38,169
>> That was reasonable!
718
00:20:38,170 --> 00:20:39,140
>> You are a stereotype of a
719
00:20:39,138 --> 00:20:40,768
white person.
720
00:20:40,773 --> 00:20:42,783
(laughter)
721
00:20:42,775 --> 00:20:45,275
>> I believe in you, Josh.
722
00:20:45,278 --> 00:20:47,848
>> Oh, my God, oh, my God.
723
00:20:47,847 --> 00:20:49,447
(laughter)
724
00:20:49,449 --> 00:20:51,619
>> He's laughing over there.
725
00:20:51,618 --> 00:20:53,548
I can be in the background.
726
00:20:53,553 --> 00:20:54,453
>> You can't fit into that
727
00:20:54,454 --> 00:20:55,524
world, man.
728
00:20:55,522 --> 00:20:57,162
You don't belong there.
44235
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