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1
00:00:04,842 --> 00:00:06,886
- Hey.
- Hey!
2
00:00:07,011 --> 00:00:08,550
What's in the package?
3
00:00:08,716 --> 00:00:10,056
Oh, don't tell me, I love this game.
4
00:00:10,181 --> 00:00:12,387
What did I order online the
other night when I was drunk?
5
00:00:12,553 --> 00:00:15,015
Uh, Mexican Xanax?
6
00:00:15,181 --> 00:00:19,144
Sweat pants with underwear built in?
7
00:00:19,310 --> 00:00:20,896
No, it's an urn.
8
00:00:21,062 --> 00:00:23,853
I ordered an urn?
9
00:00:23,978 --> 00:00:27,152
I gotta stop drinking Kahlua.
10
00:00:27,318 --> 00:00:28,607
No, it's my dog.
11
00:00:28,732 --> 00:00:31,323
My folks sent sarge's ashes.
12
00:00:31,489 --> 00:00:32,911
Oh, honey.
13
00:00:33,036 --> 00:00:35,035
I know how much you love sarge.
14
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,716
Wow, I was okay when they told me,
15
00:00:36,841 --> 00:00:38,184
but now it's kind of sinking in
16
00:00:38,309 --> 00:00:39,602
that he's gone, you know?
17
00:00:39,727 --> 00:00:42,088
I mean, I've never not had a dog.
18
00:00:42,213 --> 00:00:46,225
Well, why don't we get one?
19
00:00:46,350 --> 00:00:47,631
You really wanna get a dog?
20
00:00:47,797 --> 00:00:49,094
Totally, I've never had one.
21
00:00:49,219 --> 00:00:51,664
Well, one year for Christmas
my dad stole us a poodle,
22
00:00:51,789 --> 00:00:55,534
but the reward got so high
that he gave it back.
23
00:00:55,659 --> 00:00:57,808
You know that a dog is, like,
a really big commitment, right?
24
00:00:57,974 --> 00:01:02,354
Yeah! And no one is
better at commitment than me.
25
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:05,344
Okay, marriage is not
my favorite thing
26
00:01:05,469 --> 00:01:08,276
at this particular juncture,
27
00:01:08,442 --> 00:01:11,384
but when I commit,
I commit hard, okay?
28
00:01:11,509 --> 00:01:13,085
I mean, I am still
wearing the same bra
29
00:01:13,210 --> 00:01:15,993
I wore in the 7th grade.
30
00:01:16,159 --> 00:01:18,841
My email address is at aol, okay?
31
00:01:18,966 --> 00:01:24,376
I pay for email.
32
00:01:24,542 --> 00:01:26,378
- You really wanna get a dog?
- Yes.
33
00:01:26,544 --> 00:01:27,963
Okay, yeah, let's do it.
34
00:01:28,129 --> 00:01:29,068
- Okay!
- Yeah.
35
00:01:29,193 --> 00:01:31,508
- Can we name him mister...?
- No, no.
36
00:01:31,674 --> 00:01:33,844
- Can we name him...?
- No.
37
00:01:34,010 --> 00:01:35,262
You didn't even know
what I was gonna say.
38
00:01:35,428 --> 00:01:36,888
Were you gonna say
names of famous people?
39
00:01:37,054 --> 00:01:37,877
I don't know, I just really wanna
40
00:01:38,002 --> 00:01:41,476
be able to neuter Mel Gibson.
41
00:01:41,642 --> 00:01:44,383
Whitney is taped in front
of a live studio audience,
42
00:01:44,508 --> 00:01:46,398
you heard me.
43
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:49,004
Wow, the market was up 300 today.
44
00:01:49,129 --> 00:01:50,873
You got the web on that?
45
00:01:50,998 --> 00:01:51,903
Yeah.
46
00:01:52,069 --> 00:01:56,032
Nice. I love the web.
47
00:01:56,198 --> 00:01:58,744
I haven't checked
my stocks in a while.
48
00:01:58,910 --> 00:02:00,499
Oh, how's blockbuster doing?
49
00:02:00,624 --> 00:02:01,621
Oh, honey, I told you,
50
00:02:01,787 --> 00:02:04,537
Neil does this for a living, okay?
51
00:02:04,662 --> 00:02:06,293
He can help you
with your investments.
52
00:02:06,459 --> 00:02:10,543
Plus, this is a chance for you
guys to have your own friendship
53
00:02:10,668 --> 00:02:11,965
outside of me.
54
00:02:12,131 --> 00:02:15,180
Whoa! Everybody stop.
55
00:02:15,305 --> 00:02:16,678
Have you seen When Harry met Sally?
56
00:02:17,274 --> 00:02:18,884
Men and women cannot be friends.
57
00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:20,419
Men wanna have sex with everything,
58
00:02:20,544 --> 00:02:23,894
and women just
aren't that interesting.
59
00:02:24,060 --> 00:02:26,859
Uh, have you seen
When Harry met Sally?
60
00:02:26,984 --> 00:02:29,775
- Hi.
- Hey!
61
00:02:29,941 --> 00:02:32,569
You guys, Alex and I
have an announcement to make.
62
00:02:32,735 --> 00:02:33,716
Oh, my God!
63
00:02:33,841 --> 00:02:36,448
Don't do it, man, this is a mistake!
64
00:02:36,614 --> 00:02:38,838
Whitney is just gonna get crazier.
65
00:02:38,963 --> 00:02:40,539
Plus the day after you say "I do,"
66
00:02:40,664 --> 00:02:41,974
she is gonna cut her hair short,
67
00:02:42,099 --> 00:02:43,789
they all do.
68
00:02:43,955 --> 00:02:46,500
No, look, we're not getting married.
69
00:02:46,666 --> 00:02:48,460
We're just... we're getting a dog.
70
00:02:48,626 --> 00:02:51,129
Oh, wow!
71
00:02:51,295 --> 00:02:53,298
Getting a dog is a big deal.
72
00:02:53,464 --> 00:02:54,436
Yeah, it's like having a kid,
73
00:02:54,561 --> 00:02:57,969
except you still get to
participate in society.
74
00:02:58,135 --> 00:02:59,221
Anyway, what kind of dog
are you gonna get?
75
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,430
I don't know yet, but...
76
00:03:00,596 --> 00:03:01,765
You guys should rescue a dog.
77
00:03:01,931 --> 00:03:03,195
It's like with women,
you wanna get one
78
00:03:03,320 --> 00:03:04,897
that's just damaged enough
79
00:03:05,022 --> 00:03:08,563
that she's grateful to be indoors.
80
00:03:14,214 --> 00:03:16,542
Yeah, you're a good boy.
Yes, you are.
81
00:03:16,667 --> 00:03:17,864
Look at you.
82
00:03:18,030 --> 00:03:20,492
You're a good boy too, hi.
83
00:03:20,658 --> 00:03:22,786
Oh, you're a handsome boy.
84
00:03:22,952 --> 00:03:25,497
You're a handsome boy too, yeah.
85
00:03:25,663 --> 00:03:29,459
Okay, you're both
equally good and handsome.
86
00:03:29,625 --> 00:03:33,046
Alex, do you have any
allergies other than spermicide?
87
00:03:34,318 --> 00:03:37,096
No, I'm good.
88
00:03:37,221 --> 00:03:39,064
Wait a minute, this is weird.
89
00:03:39,189 --> 00:03:41,930
Under "relationship," they
only have "single" or "married."
90
00:03:42,096 --> 00:03:42,889
They don't have what we are.
91
00:03:43,055 --> 00:03:44,724
Just put in "single,"
it doesn't matter.
92
00:03:44,890 --> 00:03:45,771
But we're not single.
93
00:03:45,896 --> 00:03:46,789
Single is when you're dating.
94
00:03:46,914 --> 00:03:48,340
If I was single, I'd be passed out
95
00:03:48,465 --> 00:03:49,542
on some strangers futon,
96
00:03:49,667 --> 00:03:53,879
dehydrated and covered in glitter.
97
00:03:54,004 --> 00:03:55,881
Um, excuse me, ma'am?
98
00:03:56,006 --> 00:03:58,083
Hi, uh, your form is broken.
99
00:03:58,208 --> 00:03:59,552
Um...
100
00:03:59,677 --> 00:04:02,367
Uh, you don't have a box
for what our relationship is.
101
00:04:02,533 --> 00:04:03,994
And what is your relationship?
102
00:04:04,160 --> 00:04:05,057
Oh, uh, we're not married,
but we've been together
103
00:04:05,182 --> 00:04:06,121
for three years.
104
00:04:06,287 --> 00:04:10,029
Aw, he won't propose?
105
00:04:10,154 --> 00:04:13,599
No, um, we are happily unmarried.
106
00:04:13,724 --> 00:04:18,758
If I had a soul,
he would be its mate.
107
00:04:19,029 --> 00:04:21,807
Well, you're gonna
have to fill out separate forms.
108
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:24,014
Because you're not married,
that means you're single.
109
00:04:24,180 --> 00:04:26,474
Hey, look who's in daddy's shirt.
110
00:04:26,640 --> 00:04:27,809
Ho-ho!
111
00:04:27,975 --> 00:04:32,480
I'm gonna die from tickles.
112
00:04:32,646 --> 00:04:34,219
Uh...
113
00:04:34,344 --> 00:04:35,955
Um, I don't think you understand.
114
00:04:36,080 --> 00:04:38,157
It's just... we're, uh,
married, just not legally.
115
00:04:38,282 --> 00:04:39,696
We don't need
a piece of paper, you know?
116
00:04:39,862 --> 00:04:44,326
Mm, no, you're gonna
need two pieces of paper.
117
00:04:44,492 --> 00:04:46,715
And we have to schedule a home visit.
118
00:04:46,840 --> 00:04:47,954
There's a home visit?
119
00:04:48,120 --> 00:04:49,368
Of course, we have to make sure
120
00:04:49,493 --> 00:04:51,537
our dogs are in stable households.
121
00:04:51,662 --> 00:04:54,628
And, you know, I don't
wanna say that you just dating
122
00:04:54,794 --> 00:04:56,171
is a red flag,
123
00:04:56,337 --> 00:05:00,913
but we've all seen Teen Mom.
124
00:05:01,038 --> 00:05:02,514
Heh...
125
00:05:02,639 --> 00:05:05,217
Okay, um, so you do home visits
126
00:05:05,342 --> 00:05:06,681
for married people too?
127
00:05:06,847 --> 00:05:09,521
Look, this shelter
is full of dogs that were
128
00:05:09,646 --> 00:05:11,811
abandoned by
unmarried couples who broke up.
129
00:05:11,977 --> 00:05:15,193
I have one little guy back there
who is so scared,
130
00:05:15,318 --> 00:05:18,151
he won't come out of his purse.
131
00:05:18,317 --> 00:05:21,112
Okay, I'm actually not
looking for an accessory, so...
132
00:05:21,278 --> 00:05:22,368
Hmm, don't worry.
133
00:05:22,493 --> 00:05:25,242
Doesn't look like
he's getting you one.
134
00:05:25,408 --> 00:05:28,995
Heh, can I talk to someone
who's still alive inside?
135
00:05:29,161 --> 00:05:30,509
Oh, like somebody else
who owns this rescue?
136
00:05:30,634 --> 00:05:32,177
No, I don't have any other partners,
137
00:05:32,302 --> 00:05:33,579
just my husband...
138
00:05:33,704 --> 00:05:35,085
And Jesus.
139
00:05:36,340 --> 00:05:37,754
Ugh, what are you doing?
140
00:05:38,308 --> 00:05:43,134
Oh, my God,
I'm on a cloud of puppies.
141
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:44,719
Yeah...
142
00:05:44,885 --> 00:05:47,993
We very much
look forward to having you
143
00:05:48,118 --> 00:05:50,987
and the lord as a guest in our home.
144
00:05:58,529 --> 00:05:59,776
Hey, Whit, look.
145
00:05:59,942 --> 00:06:02,865
The Lion King.
146
00:06:07,800 --> 00:06:08,421
You know,
147
00:06:08,422 --> 00:06:11,020
you should be okay
to retire any time after 65.
148
00:06:11,145 --> 00:06:14,641
Oh, I'll never live that long.
149
00:06:14,766 --> 00:06:16,376
Oh, you're still going?
150
00:06:16,501 --> 00:06:18,529
I'm not here.
151
00:06:18,695 --> 00:06:21,981
Not here.
152
00:06:22,106 --> 00:06:24,200
All right, well, thanks again, Neal.
153
00:06:24,325 --> 00:06:25,244
I really appreciate it.
154
00:06:25,410 --> 00:06:26,503
No problem, glad I could help.
155
00:06:26,628 --> 00:06:27,705
Aw...
156
00:06:27,871 --> 00:06:29,582
Oh!
157
00:06:33,017 --> 00:06:35,921
Uh...
158
00:06:36,087 --> 00:06:38,989
Heh.
159
00:06:41,843 --> 00:06:46,098
And then I accidentally kissed Neal.
160
00:06:46,264 --> 00:06:48,517
Shut up!
161
00:06:48,683 --> 00:06:50,510
I know, I know...
I don't know what to do.
162
00:06:50,635 --> 00:06:52,062
Wait, do I tell lily?
163
00:06:52,228 --> 00:06:53,480
No!
No, no, no, no.
164
00:06:53,605 --> 00:06:55,316
No, it was an accidental kiss.
It didn't mean anything.
165
00:06:55,482 --> 00:06:56,983
I mean, think of all the guys
that you've purposely
166
00:06:57,108 --> 00:06:59,953
had sex with and it meant nothing.
167
00:07:00,078 --> 00:07:02,698
I don't know,
it's just... it's so awkward now.
168
00:07:02,864 --> 00:07:04,200
I don't even wanna be
in the same room with him.
169
00:07:04,366 --> 00:07:05,825
Oh, well, you should probably go,
170
00:07:05,950 --> 00:07:07,912
'cause he's on his way back here
with Alex, like, right now.
171
00:07:08,078 --> 00:07:09,996
What? No!
172
00:07:10,121 --> 00:07:10,997
Whit!
173
00:07:11,122 --> 00:07:12,082
You didn't tell me that.
174
00:07:12,490 --> 00:07:17,254
God, I'm telling you,
it's super weird, I...
175
00:07:17,420 --> 00:07:18,631
I don't even wanna see him.
176
00:07:18,797 --> 00:07:20,773
Okay.
177
00:07:20,898 --> 00:07:25,304
Crazy... oh!
178
00:07:30,491 --> 00:07:31,894
Dude!
179
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:33,062
I have to go.
180
00:07:33,228 --> 00:07:35,940
Um, I have a wax, so...
181
00:07:36,106 --> 00:07:37,674
Me too.
182
00:07:37,799 --> 00:07:41,261
I mean...
183
00:07:41,386 --> 00:07:42,488
I mean, a meeting.
184
00:07:42,654 --> 00:07:45,157
- We're chillaxing.
- Totally norms.
185
00:07:58,503 --> 00:07:59,979
You know, I think
I'll just take the stairs.
186
00:08:00,104 --> 00:08:01,173
Oh, okay.
187
00:08:01,339 --> 00:08:06,220
Good day, sir.
188
00:08:06,386 --> 00:08:08,222
- This is silly.
- I know! You're right.
189
00:08:08,388 --> 00:08:09,723
- I'll see you later.
- Okay.
190
00:08:09,889 --> 00:08:13,269
Aah!
191
00:08:18,064 --> 00:08:20,033
Uh, so, okay, I got the crate.
192
00:08:20,158 --> 00:08:22,635
I got the dog bowls,
and then I got the dog bed.
193
00:08:22,760 --> 00:08:24,238
Why does it smell so good in here?
194
00:08:24,404 --> 00:08:26,089
Oh, that's the
chocolate chip cookie candle,
195
00:08:26,214 --> 00:08:27,440
it's the perfect way to
let this dog lady know
196
00:08:27,565 --> 00:08:29,292
that I love to bake
and do domestic stuff
197
00:08:29,417 --> 00:08:31,711
without actually having to bake
or do domestic stuff.
198
00:08:31,836 --> 00:08:33,346
Ah.
199
00:08:33,471 --> 00:08:36,015
Okay, well, I got seven leashes,
200
00:08:36,140 --> 00:08:38,885
so if, uh, this dog thing
doesn't work out, you know,
201
00:08:39,010 --> 00:08:42,088
uh, we'll have to find,
uh, something else to do
202
00:08:42,213 --> 00:08:44,807
with these leashes, you know?
203
00:08:44,932 --> 00:08:46,092
Focus.
204
00:08:46,217 --> 00:08:47,961
Home visits are all
about the image you project.
205
00:08:48,086 --> 00:08:49,896
It's like when child services
comes when you're a kid.
206
00:08:50,021 --> 00:08:51,965
You gotta just tell them
what they wanna hear,
207
00:08:52,090 --> 00:08:53,600
and whatever you do, don't cry.
208
00:08:53,725 --> 00:08:56,020
They make you go
to a different school.
209
00:08:56,186 --> 00:08:57,937
Okay... hey, when Mrs. janks gets here,
210
00:08:58,062 --> 00:09:01,192
uh, maybe don't
mention child services at all.
211
00:09:01,358 --> 00:09:03,960
We are gonna show this woman
we are just as married
212
00:09:04,085 --> 00:09:05,411
as an actual married couple.
213
00:09:05,536 --> 00:09:07,279
Oh, is this too much?
214
00:09:07,404 --> 00:09:10,149
It's a puzzle of us kissing.
215
00:09:10,274 --> 00:09:11,619
Where did you get that?
216
00:09:11,785 --> 00:09:13,620
Oh, it's what I
ordered the other night
217
00:09:13,745 --> 00:09:17,323
when I was drunk.
218
00:09:17,448 --> 00:09:20,419
Okay, Mr. Miller, you own this condo.
219
00:09:20,585 --> 00:09:22,512
Do you two have any other roommates?
220
00:09:22,637 --> 00:09:23,963
Just us.
221
00:09:24,088 --> 00:09:25,883
For two years, which is way longer
222
00:09:26,049 --> 00:09:27,299
than Renee zellweger was married,
223
00:09:27,424 --> 00:09:30,179
and she's got, like, nine dogs, so...
224
00:09:30,762 --> 00:09:32,005
What's that smell?
225
00:09:32,130 --> 00:09:33,682
Is that chocolate chip cookies?
226
00:09:33,848 --> 00:09:35,559
Yeah, I actually
just made a fresh batch.
227
00:09:35,725 --> 00:09:36,676
Chocolate could kill a dog quicker
228
00:09:36,801 --> 00:09:40,064
than a bullet through the head.
229
00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:43,525
This is a one bedroom apartment,
a little small for a puppy.
230
00:09:43,691 --> 00:09:44,985
Are there any parks in this area?
231
00:09:45,151 --> 00:09:47,053
- Oh, parks!
- Parks! Oh, gosh.
232
00:09:47,178 --> 00:09:48,421
Um, you know what, we actually, uh,
233
00:09:48,546 --> 00:09:50,115
we have this cabin up in Michigan.
234
00:09:50,281 --> 00:09:52,458
Um, where it's in this small town.
235
00:09:52,583 --> 00:09:53,509
- Uh, it's called...
- Narnia.
236
00:09:53,634 --> 00:09:55,704
Mm-hm.
237
00:09:55,870 --> 00:09:56,863
Um, and we could just let the dog go
238
00:09:56,988 --> 00:09:58,707
and run for Miles and Miles,
with deer...
239
00:09:58,873 --> 00:10:00,960
Hold on, hold on, the dog
should not be off its leash.
240
00:10:01,126 --> 00:10:02,135
No, it's fenced in.
241
00:10:02,260 --> 00:10:04,053
The forest is all fenced.
242
00:10:04,178 --> 00:10:05,714
- Uh, it's got a...
- In narnia.
243
00:10:06,180 --> 00:10:07,716
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
244
00:10:07,882 --> 00:10:11,194
Okay, I hope you're not
planning on having any kids,
245
00:10:11,319 --> 00:10:13,764
because you can't handle
a new baby and a new dog
246
00:10:13,930 --> 00:10:14,703
at the same time.
247
00:10:14,828 --> 00:10:16,582
Oh, no, trust me,
I've smoked so much weed,
248
00:10:16,707 --> 00:10:20,646
so it's, like... I have no sperm.
249
00:10:20,812 --> 00:10:24,692
Go get the puzzle.
Go get it.
250
00:10:26,617 --> 00:10:29,686
- Aw!
- Oh!
251
00:10:32,115 --> 00:10:33,617
We were denied a dog.
252
00:10:33,783 --> 00:10:35,536
I mean, the homeless guy
on the corner has four dogs.
253
00:10:35,702 --> 00:10:36,954
I wonder if he's married?
254
00:10:37,120 --> 00:10:39,005
Oh, Alan?
Yeah, probably not.
255
00:10:39,130 --> 00:10:41,750
He eats beans out of a violin.
256
00:10:41,916 --> 00:10:43,609
And I really wanted a dog,
now who am I gonna
257
00:10:43,734 --> 00:10:45,462
take a bath with later?
258
00:10:45,628 --> 00:10:47,423
Whitney?
259
00:10:47,589 --> 00:10:49,649
Nah, it's not the same.
260
00:10:49,774 --> 00:10:51,617
I am telling you,
the second I checked
261
00:10:51,742 --> 00:10:53,553
that stupid "single" box
on that form,
262
00:10:53,678 --> 00:10:54,722
that woman made up her mind.
263
00:10:54,888 --> 00:10:55,848
That's discrimination,
264
00:10:56,014 --> 00:10:57,224
which I can't arrest her for,
265
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:58,976
but I could probably
throw a boot on her car.
266
00:10:59,142 --> 00:11:00,769
Jam up her day.
267
00:11:00,935 --> 00:11:02,495
She is prejudiced.
268
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:05,765
No, she is a singlist.
269
00:11:05,890 --> 00:11:07,383
Ooh!
Tweet that.
270
00:11:07,508 --> 00:11:10,946
Then I'll retweet it,
hashtag, America.
271
00:11:12,063 --> 00:11:13,205
We should probably pay.
272
00:11:13,330 --> 00:11:14,407
Oh, yeah, we'll, uh, we'll split it.
273
00:11:14,532 --> 00:11:16,535
Oh, yeah.
274
00:11:16,701 --> 00:11:18,511
You guys don't have to pretend
to reach for your wallet.
275
00:11:18,636 --> 00:11:19,580
We got it.
276
00:11:19,746 --> 00:11:23,149
Wait, what?
Are you sure?
277
00:11:23,274 --> 00:11:24,751
Aw.
278
00:11:24,876 --> 00:11:26,352
So how's your girlfriend Roxanne?
279
00:11:26,477 --> 00:11:27,570
You told him?
280
00:11:27,695 --> 00:11:29,631
It's not a big deal,
accidents happen.
281
00:11:29,797 --> 00:11:31,591
Roxanne is a single woman with needs,
282
00:11:31,716 --> 00:11:34,994
you're a handsome man from
an exotic part of the world.
283
00:11:35,119 --> 00:11:38,474
There are no accidents.
284
00:11:38,640 --> 00:11:42,061
Okay, so this woman's
pretty hardcore.
285
00:11:42,227 --> 00:11:43,469
Yeah, I got your back.
286
00:11:43,594 --> 00:11:45,814
I'm your hype man.
You know, like in rap?
287
00:11:45,980 --> 00:11:47,774
The guy who emphasizes your point?
288
00:11:47,899 --> 00:11:50,777
Heh, say "hello, New York City."
289
00:11:50,902 --> 00:11:51,761
Hello, New York...
290
00:11:51,886 --> 00:11:57,784
New York City, make some noise!
291
00:11:57,909 --> 00:11:59,661
Oh, look who's back.
292
00:11:59,827 --> 00:12:03,523
And on her way back from narnia,
she picked up a hobbit.
293
00:12:03,648 --> 00:12:07,377
I took the liberty of adding
a box to your antiquated form.
294
00:12:07,543 --> 00:12:10,363
"Single, married, and committed?"
295
00:12:10,488 --> 00:12:15,034
Yup.
Boom, mind blown.
296
00:12:15,159 --> 00:12:18,889
Uh-huh.
Blown.
297
00:12:19,055 --> 00:12:20,706
Do you know the percentage
of unmarried couples
298
00:12:20,831 --> 00:12:22,017
who get divorced?
299
00:12:22,183 --> 00:12:25,211
- How can an unmarried couple...
- Zero, okay?
300
00:12:25,336 --> 00:12:27,914
Alex and I are not married,
but we're even better.
301
00:12:28,039 --> 00:12:30,383
We choose to be together
every single day.
302
00:12:30,508 --> 00:12:33,028
24-7, 365, son.
303
00:12:35,071 --> 00:12:37,256
Alex and I
would like to rescue a dog.
304
00:12:37,381 --> 00:12:38,858
Big or small, young or old...
305
00:12:38,983 --> 00:12:41,662
'Cause unlike you,
I have no prejudices.
306
00:12:41,828 --> 00:12:43,414
- Really?
- Really.
307
00:12:43,580 --> 00:12:45,666
- Maybe I misjudged you.
- Yes, you did.
308
00:12:45,832 --> 00:12:46,999
I didn't realize
you'd be willing to help
309
00:12:47,124 --> 00:12:48,043
an older animal.
310
00:12:48,209 --> 00:12:49,802
Willing?
311
00:12:49,927 --> 00:12:51,304
Older animal?
312
00:12:51,429 --> 00:12:53,439
Realize?
313
00:12:53,564 --> 00:12:55,801
I would love an older animal.
314
00:12:55,967 --> 00:12:57,761
Some of our dogs need a lot of help.
315
00:12:57,927 --> 00:12:58,911
Good.
316
00:12:59,036 --> 00:13:00,681
So you'd be okay with a disabled dog?
317
00:13:00,847 --> 00:13:04,116
Absolutely,
because I don't judge, okay?
318
00:13:04,241 --> 00:13:07,687
It doesn't even need legs.
Less legs the better, okay?
319
00:13:07,812 --> 00:13:11,173
Just a torso and a wheelchair,
that's all... we'll just
320
00:13:11,298 --> 00:13:14,570
play murder ball all day.
321
00:13:14,736 --> 00:13:17,187
Murder up.
322
00:13:20,283 --> 00:13:21,702
Alex!
323
00:13:21,868 --> 00:13:24,788
Meet Clarence, our new puppy!
324
00:13:24,954 --> 00:13:26,030
Aah! Aah!
325
00:13:26,155 --> 00:13:27,198
Hold on.
326
00:13:27,323 --> 00:13:32,537
One second.
327
00:13:32,662 --> 00:13:33,905
Come on, boy.
328
00:13:34,030 --> 00:13:34,906
Come on.
329
00:13:35,031 --> 00:13:37,291
Yeah, come on, come on.
330
00:13:37,416 --> 00:13:38,709
Yeah, come on.
331
00:13:38,834 --> 00:13:39,977
Almost there.
332
00:13:40,102 --> 00:13:43,130
Yeah.
333
00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:45,934
- Come on.
- Whit, how old is this dog?
334
00:13:46,100 --> 00:13:48,604
He's 19.
335
00:13:48,770 --> 00:13:51,005
He's not even old enough to drink.
336
00:13:51,130 --> 00:13:52,823
Which is kind of ironic,
'cause his liver's
337
00:13:52,948 --> 00:13:54,776
pretty much shot.
338
00:13:55,151 --> 00:13:58,362
- Isn't he the best?
- Huh.
339
00:13:58,487 --> 00:13:59,964
Oh, um, uh, he's kind of fragile.
340
00:14:00,089 --> 00:14:01,799
Maybe just talk to him.
341
00:14:01,924 --> 00:14:03,535
Okay.
Hey, buddy.
342
00:14:03,701 --> 00:14:07,171
Uh, louder, he's deaf.
343
00:14:07,296 --> 00:14:08,123
Hey, buddy!
344
00:14:08,289 --> 00:14:12,577
Closer, he's blind.
345
00:14:12,702 --> 00:14:14,078
Hey, buddy, how you doing?
346
00:14:14,203 --> 00:14:15,813
Aw, look at your face.
347
00:14:15,938 --> 00:14:18,592
Okay, yeah, you're...
Look at your gums,
348
00:14:18,758 --> 00:14:21,018
they're so grey.
349
00:14:21,143 --> 00:14:24,162
You got... oh, okay, ew.
350
00:14:30,503 --> 00:14:35,484
Aw, where's all your teeth?
351
00:14:35,650 --> 00:14:36,818
What, you're gonna give him pills?
352
00:14:36,984 --> 00:14:39,687
Oh, yeah, these are
just treats and vitamins
353
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:42,573
and antibiotics.
354
00:14:42,698 --> 00:14:44,225
Well, is that what the cone is for?
355
00:14:44,350 --> 00:14:45,876
Oh, this cute thing?
356
00:14:46,001 --> 00:14:48,346
Oh, that's just, um,
he has some stitches.
357
00:14:48,471 --> 00:14:52,850
Clarence had
some stuff removed recently.
358
00:14:52,975 --> 00:14:54,586
- Stuff?
- Uh-huh.
359
00:14:54,752 --> 00:14:59,007
Just some stuff, and tumors.
360
00:14:59,173 --> 00:15:01,593
He's just like a normal dog.
361
00:15:04,920 --> 00:15:05,796
You ready?
362
00:15:05,921 --> 00:15:06,964
You ready to go get the ball?
363
00:15:07,089 --> 00:15:07,965
Yeah?
364
00:15:08,090 --> 00:15:09,400
You ready to get the ball?
365
00:15:09,525 --> 00:15:10,384
Here we go.
366
00:15:10,509 --> 00:15:12,479
Whoa!
367
00:15:12,645 --> 00:15:14,105
- Go!
- Go get it!
368
00:15:14,230 --> 00:15:15,506
Go get it!
Go get the ball!
369
00:15:15,631 --> 00:15:17,642
- Go get it!
- Go get it!
370
00:15:17,767 --> 00:15:19,810
Go get it!
371
00:15:19,935 --> 00:15:21,280
- Go!
- Go get it!
372
00:15:21,446 --> 00:15:22,823
You wanna get the ball?
373
00:15:22,989 --> 00:15:23,848
Okay, I'll go get the ball.
374
00:15:23,973 --> 00:15:25,367
Good.
375
00:15:25,533 --> 00:15:28,996
That is a good boy.
There's the ball, good boy.
376
00:15:29,162 --> 00:15:30,387
I think you just threw it too far.
377
00:15:30,512 --> 00:15:32,156
Oh, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
378
00:15:32,281 --> 00:15:35,026
Um... er, uh... how about...
379
00:15:35,151 --> 00:15:38,996
Ooh!
380
00:15:39,121 --> 00:15:42,066
It's right there.
Come on, man.
381
00:15:42,191 --> 00:15:43,334
You know what?
382
00:15:43,459 --> 00:15:45,012
Come on, let's go get the ball.
383
00:15:45,178 --> 00:15:47,088
Oh, come on.
384
00:15:47,213 --> 00:15:48,789
Yeah!
Oh, there it is.
385
00:15:48,914 --> 00:15:49,790
That's the ball.
386
00:15:49,915 --> 00:15:51,459
Oh, there, good boy.
387
00:15:51,584 --> 00:15:53,444
Bring it back to daddy.
388
00:15:53,569 --> 00:15:55,946
- Oh, yes.
- Aw, look at what he did.
389
00:15:56,071 --> 00:15:56,981
- Oh!
- Oh, look at what he did.
390
00:15:57,106 --> 00:16:00,518
- Oh, good boy.
- Look at what he did.
391
00:16:00,643 --> 00:16:03,921
Oh, remind me in ten minutes,
I have to give him another pill.
392
00:16:04,046 --> 00:16:06,640
You know, I had my doubts
about you getting a dog
393
00:16:06,765 --> 00:16:08,201
because it's such a big commitment.
394
00:16:08,367 --> 00:16:09,827
I mean, we could have gotten a puppy,
395
00:16:09,952 --> 00:16:11,996
which is, like, a 15 year thing.
396
00:16:12,121 --> 00:16:14,298
I told you, just
because I'm afraid of marriage
397
00:16:14,423 --> 00:16:16,734
does not mean
I'm afraid of commitment.
398
00:16:16,859 --> 00:16:21,173
Especially if it's to
something lovable and scruffy.
399
00:16:23,299 --> 00:16:25,093
You're, like, weirdly good with him.
400
00:16:25,259 --> 00:16:27,912
How come you never had a dog before?
401
00:16:28,037 --> 00:16:30,932
I never had a dog before
because I never had you.
402
00:16:31,098 --> 00:16:32,934
What do you mean?
403
00:16:33,100 --> 00:16:34,819
Well, every other guy I dated,
I knew it was gonna end,
404
00:16:34,944 --> 00:16:36,354
so I didn't wanna commit
to something that wasn't gonna
405
00:16:36,479 --> 00:16:38,339
last longer than the relationship.
406
00:16:38,464 --> 00:16:42,293
I mean, before you
I bought milk by the quart.
407
00:16:42,418 --> 00:16:45,155
Aw, now you buy so much
that it goes bad.
408
00:16:47,365 --> 00:16:50,369
I love having a dog with you.
409
00:16:50,535 --> 00:16:53,288
Me too.
410
00:16:53,454 --> 00:16:56,750
It's like our first
big thing we've done together.
411
00:16:58,376 --> 00:17:00,244
Oh, my God,
I think he wagged his tail!
412
00:17:00,369 --> 00:17:01,630
- Yeah?
- Oh, my God!
413
00:17:01,796 --> 00:17:02,780
Ooh...
414
00:17:02,905 --> 00:17:05,039
Aah.
415
00:17:07,710 --> 00:17:11,005
Mm. Mmmm.
416
00:17:11,130 --> 00:17:13,225
Morning, Clarence.
417
00:17:14,800 --> 00:17:16,812
He's kind of like the perfect dog.
418
00:17:16,978 --> 00:17:18,188
He didn't bark at all last night.
419
00:17:18,354 --> 00:17:20,064
Ahh... we did a good thing.
420
00:17:20,189 --> 00:17:21,432
I mean if it wasn't for us,
he would have spent
421
00:17:21,557 --> 00:17:23,200
the rest of his life
at that cold shelter
422
00:17:23,325 --> 00:17:24,869
with no one to love him
423
00:17:24,994 --> 00:17:28,657
or chew up his apple sauce for him.
424
00:17:28,823 --> 00:17:30,441
Yeah.
425
00:17:30,566 --> 00:17:32,035
Hey, buddy.
426
00:17:32,201 --> 00:17:34,145
Hey.
427
00:17:34,270 --> 00:17:36,147
Hey.
428
00:17:36,272 --> 00:17:39,350
Hey.
429
00:17:39,475 --> 00:17:42,520
Hey.
430
00:17:42,645 --> 00:17:47,091
Hey.
431
00:17:47,216 --> 00:17:50,218
Hey.
432
00:17:55,057 --> 00:17:56,268
Sorry for your loss.
433
00:17:56,434 --> 00:17:57,894
Thanks, mark.
And thanks for dressing up.
434
00:17:58,060 --> 00:17:59,069
It's the right thing to do.
435
00:17:59,194 --> 00:18:02,399
And it's laundry day.
436
00:18:02,565 --> 00:18:04,475
I never met Clarence.
437
00:18:04,600 --> 00:18:06,977
And I've never been to a doggy wake.
438
00:18:07,102 --> 00:18:09,698
But I think the appropriate
thing to do is drink.
439
00:18:09,864 --> 00:18:11,715
Aw.
440
00:18:11,840 --> 00:18:12,917
To Clarence.
441
00:18:15,894 --> 00:18:17,455
Mm!
442
00:18:17,580 --> 00:18:18,522
You know what?
443
00:18:18,647 --> 00:18:20,257
Whoever invented Martini glasses...
444
00:18:20,382 --> 00:18:22,693
Never drank three Martinis.
445
00:18:22,818 --> 00:18:23,920
Excuse me.
446
00:18:24,086 --> 00:18:25,579
I miss Clarence.
447
00:18:25,704 --> 00:18:28,065
Yeah, you can still smell him.
448
00:18:29,358 --> 00:18:31,452
It's not a good smell, but, you know.
449
00:18:31,577 --> 00:18:33,889
It's his.
450
00:18:34,513 --> 00:18:38,409
It smells like dead
chocolate chip cookies.
451
00:18:38,534 --> 00:18:42,179
Is that a thing?
452
00:18:42,304 --> 00:18:43,148
Hey.
453
00:18:43,314 --> 00:18:44,441
Sorry we're late.
454
00:18:44,607 --> 00:18:46,750
We've just been
standing in the hallway
455
00:18:46,875 --> 00:18:49,821
until we could figure out
the right thing to say.
456
00:18:52,314 --> 00:18:56,694
Still got nothing.
457
00:18:56,819 --> 00:18:57,954
We brought you a deli platter.
458
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,780
Yeah, what better way to celebrate
459
00:18:59,905 --> 00:19:02,199
the death of an animal
460
00:19:02,324 --> 00:19:05,587
than with other dead animals.
461
00:19:07,963 --> 00:19:09,790
Oh, my God!
Not again!
462
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,092
I'm sorry, I'm sorry!
463
00:19:11,258 --> 00:19:12,594
Well, why didn't you knock?
464
00:19:12,760 --> 00:19:13,944
I didn't know you'd be in there
465
00:19:14,069 --> 00:19:17,224
and those would be out there!
466
00:19:17,390 --> 00:19:18,934
Uh, what is going on?
467
00:19:19,100 --> 00:19:20,251
Nothing, nothing.
468
00:19:20,376 --> 00:19:23,220
We just accidentally kissed
and then she touched me.
469
00:19:23,345 --> 00:19:26,914
Well, his crotch is
at a very inconvenient height.
470
00:19:29,568 --> 00:19:30,761
Lily, this is on you.
471
00:19:30,886 --> 00:19:33,531
You cannot force a man
and a woman to be "friends."
472
00:19:33,656 --> 00:19:35,065
It's against the laws of nature.
473
00:19:35,190 --> 00:19:37,994
It's like a female wrestler.
474
00:19:38,160 --> 00:19:41,405
Uh...
475
00:19:41,530 --> 00:19:43,307
That is ridiculous.
476
00:19:43,432 --> 00:19:46,670
They are friends
and these are clearly accidents.
477
00:19:46,836 --> 00:19:49,881
Again, there are no accidents.
478
00:19:50,047 --> 00:19:51,198
Okay, I gotta fly.
479
00:19:51,323 --> 00:19:53,343
Alex, buddy,
I'm sorry about Clarence.
480
00:19:53,509 --> 00:19:54,636
Come here.
481
00:19:55,244 --> 00:19:58,974
Dude!
482
00:19:59,140 --> 00:20:00,190
Aah!
483
00:20:01,434 --> 00:20:02,852
- Dude!
- Aah!
484
00:20:03,018 --> 00:20:04,895
I didn't mean to do that!
485
00:20:05,020 --> 00:20:06,196
Or that!
486
00:20:06,321 --> 00:20:08,599
I don't know, man, you know.
487
00:20:08,724 --> 00:20:09,734
There are no accidents, come here.
488
00:20:09,900 --> 00:20:10,768
Get away.
Get away!
489
00:20:10,893 --> 00:20:13,697
Get over here.
490
00:20:17,478 --> 00:20:19,492
Hello, I'm Clarence.
491
00:20:19,617 --> 00:20:21,595
Hello, I am sarge!
492
00:20:21,720 --> 00:20:24,598
Oh, oh, aren't squirrels the best?
493
00:20:24,723 --> 00:20:28,962
Oh, not as good as dogs, ha-ha-ha!
494
00:20:46,611 --> 00:20:47,898
Hey, uh, Whit?
495
00:20:48,064 --> 00:20:50,957
Oh!
Ah, they're having a play date.
496
00:20:51,082 --> 00:20:53,236
Right.
497
00:20:53,402 --> 00:20:59,200
Sync and correction by Mlmlte
www.addic7ed.com
498
00:20:59,250 --> 00:21:03,800
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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