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1
00:00:06,019 --> 00:00:08,099
Larry:
Welcome back, and, uh,
boy, I want to thank
2
00:00:08,119 --> 00:00:11,049
my guests, Elton John
and Christine Baranski,
3
00:00:11,070 --> 00:00:13,020
and, of course,
Matt Dillon.
4
00:00:13,039 --> 00:00:16,079
And, uh, next week
I'm on vacation.
5
00:00:16,100 --> 00:00:18,260
But sitting in for me will be
guest host Jon Stewart.
6
00:00:18,280 --> 00:00:22,050
And, um...
if my brother Stan is watching,
7
00:00:22,070 --> 00:00:24,220
I'll see you Monday morning
at eleven, Stan.
8
00:00:24,239 --> 00:00:26,279
I just saved 95 cents
on a phone call there.
9
00:00:27,000 --> 00:00:28,100
(laughter)
10
00:00:28,120 --> 00:00:30,110
Uh, good night,
and no flipping.
11
00:00:30,129 --> 00:00:33,069
(cheers and applause)
12
00:00:33,090 --> 00:00:35,260
(theme music playing)
13
00:00:35,280 --> 00:00:37,070
Man:
We're clear!
14
00:00:37,090 --> 00:00:38,240
Ahoy,
Captain Sanders.
15
00:00:38,259 --> 00:00:41,289
The USS Hilarity
is now safely in her berth.
16
00:00:42,009 --> 00:00:43,169
You know, has anyone
ever told you,
17
00:00:43,189 --> 00:00:45,129
you should start wearing
a sailor's cap?
18
00:00:45,149 --> 00:00:46,229
Yeah.
19
00:00:46,250 --> 00:00:48,210
The late
Rock Hudson.
20
00:00:48,229 --> 00:00:51,169
Well, that is
another conversation.
21
00:00:52,229 --> 00:00:55,069
I hear your brother
Stan's coming to town.
22
00:00:55,090 --> 00:00:56,150
That's right,
he's staying with me.
23
00:00:56,170 --> 00:00:58,170
I'm really, you know,
looking forward to it.
24
00:00:58,189 --> 00:00:59,999
Ah.
25
00:01:00,020 --> 00:01:01,250
What does
that mean?
26
00:01:01,270 --> 00:01:05,110
Oh, nothing,
I'm just practicing my Chinese.
27
00:01:07,040 --> 00:01:08,270
Why don't you
just send him a check?
28
00:01:08,289 --> 00:01:11,039
Because, you know what?
I'm out of envelopes.
29
00:01:13,060 --> 00:01:14,190
Well, so who's he got on?
30
00:01:14,210 --> 00:01:16,020
Artie:
Kristen Johnston,
Jason Alexander,
31
00:01:16,039 --> 00:01:17,269
and the Wu-Tang Clan.
32
00:01:19,210 --> 00:01:22,000
Did he bring
that fucking dog?
33
00:01:22,019 --> 00:01:23,209
The pecker
hasn't even shown up yet.
34
00:01:23,230 --> 00:01:24,250
Larry:
Oh, man.
35
00:01:24,269 --> 00:01:27,009
You'd think he'd at least
want to be on time, huh?
36
00:01:27,030 --> 00:01:28,140
(doorbell rings)
37
00:01:28,159 --> 00:01:30,139
Oh, someone's at the door.
Can you hold on?
38
00:01:30,159 --> 00:01:32,259
Well, don't you think
it's your brother Stan?
39
00:01:32,280 --> 00:01:36,030
Oh, my God. I forgot
Stan was even coming.
40
00:01:36,049 --> 00:01:38,189
Artie:
Yeah, and see to it
and then call me back.
41
00:01:38,210 --> 00:01:40,060
Yeah, I'll call you back.
42
00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:41,189
Okay.
43
00:01:43,109 --> 00:01:45,029
Stan!
Hey.
44
00:01:45,049 --> 00:01:46,249
God, it's great
to see you.
45
00:01:46,270 --> 00:01:48,060
Hey, it's been too long.
Great
to see you.
46
00:01:48,079 --> 00:01:49,159
Great to see you.
Come on in.
47
00:01:49,180 --> 00:01:50,210
Thanks for the limousine.
48
00:01:50,229 --> 00:01:51,279
Are you kidding?
That was great.
49
00:01:52,000 --> 00:01:54,220
Now, I shouldn't have
tipped that guy, right?
50
00:01:54,240 --> 00:01:58,090
No, I... I completely
took care of that,
you don't have to worry.
51
00:01:58,109 --> 00:02:00,189
Come on.
Oh, great. Now,
is this an original?
52
00:02:00,209 --> 00:02:03,179
Don't touch that,
just come on in.
53
00:02:03,200 --> 00:02:05,210
You look fantastic, Stan.
54
00:02:05,230 --> 00:02:07,270
Have a seat.
All right.
55
00:02:07,290 --> 00:02:10,220
I set the whole schedule aside.
I thought maybe we'd--
56
00:02:10,240 --> 00:02:12,180
I'm gonna get the, uh,
baseball card collection.
57
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:14,109
I thought
maybe we'd play
a little basketball.
58
00:02:14,129 --> 00:02:15,249
With Duchovny
and Seinfeld?
59
00:02:15,270 --> 00:02:19,040
Oh... Well,
those guys, they're,
uh, they're working.
60
00:02:19,060 --> 00:02:21,000
But I thought we'd play,
you know, just together.
61
00:02:21,020 --> 00:02:22,150
Oh, okay,
that's good.
Yeah.
62
00:02:22,170 --> 00:02:24,140
Actually, that'll give us
a chance to talk about
63
00:02:24,159 --> 00:02:26,219
that business deal
I mentioned on the phone.
64
00:02:26,240 --> 00:02:28,210
Which one?
65
00:02:28,229 --> 00:02:30,149
We got rid of the deadwood
from the other show.
66
00:02:30,170 --> 00:02:32,070
We've got the heir apparent
in place. He--
67
00:02:32,090 --> 00:02:33,100
Hey, guys.
68
00:02:33,120 --> 00:02:34,270
Hey, how's
the newest star
of late-night TV?
69
00:02:34,289 --> 00:02:37,069
Ah, just happy
to be out of rehab.
70
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,280
I'm kidding.
71
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:40,210
Save some
for the show,
hotshot.
72
00:02:40,229 --> 00:02:42,069
Listen, Jon,
we just stopped by
to let you know
73
00:02:42,090 --> 00:02:44,140
how happy everybody upstairs
is that you're here this week.
74
00:02:44,159 --> 00:02:46,249
Thanks, it's nerve-racking,
but it's all happening so fast--
75
00:02:46,270 --> 00:02:49,150
Go out there,
be Jon Stewart,
have fun.
76
00:02:49,170 --> 00:02:50,170
I can do that.
77
00:02:50,189 --> 00:02:51,259
With Larry leaving,
this is your chance
78
00:02:51,280 --> 00:02:53,070
to put your stamp
on the show.
79
00:02:53,090 --> 00:02:54,240
We need
watercooler moments.
80
00:02:54,259 --> 00:02:56,119
Well, I think
you're gonna be happy.
81
00:02:56,139 --> 00:02:58,279
We've got Kristen Johnston,
Jason Alexander,
the Wu-Tang Clan.
82
00:02:59,000 --> 00:03:01,150
It's a great start.
Wu-Tang Clan?
83
00:03:01,169 --> 00:03:04,049
Yeah, a buddy of mine
at MTV hooked us up.
84
00:03:05,120 --> 00:03:08,290
He smells like
he just rolled out
of a bar.
85
00:03:09,009 --> 00:03:13,109
Did Jon Stewart...
get the meat I sent him?
86
00:03:13,129 --> 00:03:14,269
Yes, I called
the tracking number,
87
00:03:14,289 --> 00:03:17,249
and the people in Omaha
said it was delivered
on Saturday.
88
00:03:17,270 --> 00:03:19,110
Saturday?
Mm-hm.
89
00:03:19,129 --> 00:03:21,179
Well, Jesus,
that's $200 worth of meat.
90
00:03:21,199 --> 00:03:25,079
I mean...
no thank-you note,
I'm fucked.
91
00:03:25,099 --> 00:03:27,119
Actually,
it was $100,
'cause you went
92
00:03:27,139 --> 00:03:29,179
with the strip steaks
instead of the fillets.
93
00:03:29,199 --> 00:03:32,129
Great news, Hank.
94
00:03:32,150 --> 00:03:34,060
You're in tonight's sketch.
95
00:03:34,079 --> 00:03:35,159
I am?
Mm-hmm.
96
00:03:35,180 --> 00:03:37,190
All right,
that's great.
97
00:03:37,210 --> 00:03:38,220
Uh, what
am I doing?
98
00:03:38,240 --> 00:03:40,190
You're playing Hitler.
99
00:03:42,189 --> 00:03:43,249
The Hitler?
100
00:03:43,270 --> 00:03:45,210
Yeah,
one and the same.
101
00:03:45,229 --> 00:03:47,139
Yeah, Jon
and I wrote it.
102
00:03:47,159 --> 00:03:48,169
You and Jon.
103
00:03:48,189 --> 00:03:49,209
Uh-huh.
104
00:03:49,229 --> 00:03:52,079
So, if you have any questions,
just, uh, stop by my office.
105
00:03:52,099 --> 00:03:53,259
Yeah, uh...
106
00:03:53,280 --> 00:03:55,230
I, uh... I do.
107
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:58,120
You guys, uh...
108
00:03:58,139 --> 00:04:00,119
you wrote this--
you wrote this for me?
109
00:04:06,259 --> 00:04:08,149
Look, Hank,
I don't know who
110
00:04:08,169 --> 00:04:10,009
he's considering for sidekick.
111
00:04:10,030 --> 00:04:11,250
All I know is he's meeting
with this fresh,
112
00:04:11,270 --> 00:04:14,110
young stand-up
from Comedy Central.
113
00:04:17,069 --> 00:04:19,069
I'm fucked.
114
00:04:20,079 --> 00:04:21,269
Comedy Central.
Oh, come on.
115
00:04:21,290 --> 00:04:24,110
I have to, uh, wear
something tonight
116
00:04:24,129 --> 00:04:27,219
that'll make me look
young... and fresh.
117
00:04:27,240 --> 00:04:29,190
That's not young
and fresh.
Oh.
118
00:04:29,209 --> 00:04:32,249
This is not young
and fresh. This is old.
Oh!
119
00:04:34,060 --> 00:04:35,230
This is show business.
120
00:04:37,019 --> 00:04:38,129
Excuse me.
121
00:04:38,149 --> 00:04:40,079
Uh, smell this.
122
00:04:42,189 --> 00:04:44,099
Hank, I don't
want to be rude,
123
00:04:44,120 --> 00:04:46,140
but I can get you a spray
that'll deal with that.
124
00:04:48,000 --> 00:04:49,250
Doesn't this
smell like urine?
125
00:04:49,269 --> 00:04:51,029
Let's not
put a name to it.
126
00:04:51,050 --> 00:04:53,010
Let me just
get you the spray.
127
00:04:53,029 --> 00:04:54,249
So I need--
I need three actors
for this sketch.
128
00:04:54,269 --> 00:04:57,189
I need a white guy,
a black guy,
and an Asian woman.
129
00:04:57,209 --> 00:04:59,199
Why is it always
an Asian woman?
130
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:01,290
Two birds
with one stone.
131
00:05:02,009 --> 00:05:03,169
What does
that mean?
It's an old--
132
00:05:03,189 --> 00:05:05,269
Can I have your
attention, please?
133
00:05:07,120 --> 00:05:08,210
Brian?
Mm-hmm.
134
00:05:10,129 --> 00:05:13,089
Somebody pissed
all over my shoes.
135
00:05:14,139 --> 00:05:16,149
Now, there are jokes,
136
00:05:16,170 --> 00:05:18,280
and then there is piss
all over my shoes.
137
00:05:19,000 --> 00:05:23,060
These are two...
entirely different things.
138
00:05:25,139 --> 00:05:27,099
Okay, Phil...
139
00:05:27,120 --> 00:05:29,190
Come on.
140
00:05:29,209 --> 00:05:32,039
Come on,
is it you?
141
00:05:32,060 --> 00:05:33,090
Is it you,
or is it
142
00:05:33,110 --> 00:05:35,200
one of your little
asshole writer buddies?
143
00:05:35,220 --> 00:05:37,220
No, Hank.
144
00:05:37,240 --> 00:05:39,120
You'd probably know
if I pissed all over
your shoes
145
00:05:39,139 --> 00:05:41,239
'cause I had asparagus
last night.
146
00:05:41,259 --> 00:05:44,239
Somebody better tell me
which asshole pissed
all over my office,
147
00:05:44,259 --> 00:05:46,119
or I'm just gonna--
I'm gonna call the police.
148
00:05:46,139 --> 00:05:48,199
Uh, hey, Hank.
149
00:05:48,220 --> 00:05:49,250
I'm sorry.
150
00:05:49,269 --> 00:05:51,229
You know, I, uh...
Jon.
151
00:05:51,250 --> 00:05:53,110
...think that was
probably my dog.
152
00:05:53,129 --> 00:05:55,269
He's got a bladder infection
from, I think, rough sex.
153
00:05:55,290 --> 00:05:58,000
I didn't even know
you had a dog, Jon.
154
00:05:58,019 --> 00:05:59,029
I love dogs.
Yeah.
155
00:05:59,050 --> 00:06:01,010
They're great.
Yeah.
156
00:06:01,029 --> 00:06:02,129
I just-- I feel terrible,
Hank, so listen.
157
00:06:02,149 --> 00:06:03,209
No!
Send me the
cleaning bills.
158
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:04,230
No.
Honestly,
159
00:06:04,250 --> 00:06:06,100
or if you want,
you can shit in his bowl.
160
00:06:06,120 --> 00:06:08,190
Or whatever
you want to do.
161
00:06:08,209 --> 00:06:10,089
So, all right?
I'm sorry about that.
Hey now.
162
00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:12,000
Don't give it
a second thought.
163
00:06:12,019 --> 00:06:14,269
What dogs go through,
it's terrible.
164
00:06:14,290 --> 00:06:16,070
I mean, they have
to hold it in all day.
165
00:06:16,089 --> 00:06:19,109
I mean, if I were a dog,
I'd just be, just...
166
00:06:19,129 --> 00:06:22,249
shitting all over the place.
Right. Right.
167
00:06:22,269 --> 00:06:25,049
What can we do,
just tie their assholes
in a knot?
168
00:06:25,069 --> 00:06:27,009
I-- I think that's
balloon animals.
169
00:06:27,029 --> 00:06:28,149
Phil, do you want
to go do that--
170
00:06:28,170 --> 00:06:30,240
Do you know what's
great about dogs?
171
00:06:30,259 --> 00:06:32,149
Uh, the
ball-licking thing?
172
00:06:32,170 --> 00:06:35,030
They're loyal.
173
00:06:35,050 --> 00:06:37,030
They stick by their masters.
174
00:06:38,009 --> 00:06:40,229
Unless, of course,
their masters abandon them.
175
00:06:42,199 --> 00:06:45,049
And then they have
to find a new master.
176
00:06:45,069 --> 00:06:48,109
But when they find
their new master,
they're loyal forever.
177
00:06:49,199 --> 00:06:52,029
Assuming, of course,
that new master wants them.
178
00:06:52,050 --> 00:06:54,270
Al, is that the new gel
for Jon's special?
179
00:06:54,290 --> 00:06:56,100
That's a Light Rose 107?
180
00:06:56,120 --> 00:06:57,140
Al:
Yeah!
181
00:06:57,159 --> 00:06:58,999
How long,
K.O.?
182
00:06:59,019 --> 00:07:00,119
Two minutes?
183
00:07:00,139 --> 00:07:01,129
Yeah.
184
00:07:01,149 --> 00:07:03,059
Okay, Robbie,
warm up the spot.
185
00:07:03,079 --> 00:07:04,259
Arthur.
186
00:07:04,279 --> 00:07:06,219
Melanie!
187
00:07:06,240 --> 00:07:09,090
And Kenny.
What an almost
pleasant surprise.
188
00:07:09,110 --> 00:07:10,240
Excuse me.
189
00:07:10,259 --> 00:07:12,259
The circuits
are all checked, right?
190
00:07:12,279 --> 00:07:14,149
Ed, the mikes
all hot?
191
00:07:14,170 --> 00:07:16,140
What are you,
a roadie now, Artie?
Kenny...
192
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:17,270
Can't take him anywhere,
can you?
193
00:07:17,290 --> 00:07:20,220
No. Look, Arthur,
we're a little worried here.
194
00:07:20,240 --> 00:07:21,220
About what?
195
00:07:21,240 --> 00:07:24,030
Well, is Jon aware
that this is an 11:30 show?
196
00:07:24,050 --> 00:07:27,020
I mean, he just told us
that he booked
the Wu-Tang Clan.
197
00:07:27,040 --> 00:07:30,080
Yes, Staten Island's
streetwise troubadours.
198
00:07:30,100 --> 00:07:32,050
Okay, hit it.
199
00:07:32,069 --> 00:07:33,059
What about 'em?
200
00:07:33,079 --> 00:07:36,099
Well, we think
they might be
a little too... urban.
201
00:07:36,120 --> 00:07:37,160
"Urban"?
202
00:07:37,180 --> 00:07:40,000
Well, I can call
my good friend
Lenny Kravitz.
203
00:07:40,019 --> 00:07:41,269
He's only
half urban.
204
00:07:41,290 --> 00:07:45,000
Let's bump it up,
uh... three points.
205
00:07:45,019 --> 00:07:46,169
Look... Arthur,
206
00:07:46,189 --> 00:07:48,069
we don't want Jon
to scare
207
00:07:48,090 --> 00:07:50,240
Larry's audience
off completely.
208
00:07:50,259 --> 00:07:52,269
Okay, cut it.
209
00:07:52,290 --> 00:07:55,130
Okay, fellas,
let's take five.
210
00:08:00,009 --> 00:08:01,139
It's you guys
that want him.
211
00:08:01,160 --> 00:08:02,270
Yeah, yeah,
we want him,
212
00:08:02,290 --> 00:08:05,010
but we don't want this
to turn into a fuckin'
freak show,
213
00:08:05,029 --> 00:08:06,179
like they've got
over there at "Conan."
214
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:10,060
What do you want
me to do?
215
00:08:10,079 --> 00:08:12,269
Well, we've just--
we gotta start--
216
00:08:12,290 --> 00:08:15,020
Controlling him?
No, working with him.
217
00:08:15,040 --> 00:08:16,090
Oh, pardon me.
218
00:08:16,110 --> 00:08:18,030
Uh, what about this
as a door prize?
219
00:08:18,050 --> 00:08:19,120
Hey, boyos!
220
00:08:19,139 --> 00:08:22,069
Well, I don't wanna
piss out your comedy
campfire here,
221
00:08:22,089 --> 00:08:23,289
but we have
a minor problem.
222
00:08:24,009 --> 00:08:25,129
Oh, what'd my dog do?
223
00:08:27,079 --> 00:08:29,089
Jon...
224
00:08:29,110 --> 00:08:32,060
have you ever started
dating a woman,
225
00:08:32,080 --> 00:08:34,240
you treated her very gently,
took her to fine restaurants,
226
00:08:34,259 --> 00:08:37,039
opened doors for her,
charmed her parents,
227
00:08:37,059 --> 00:08:38,229
and you gave her
some hugs,
228
00:08:38,250 --> 00:08:42,270
but you didn't
even attempt to kiss her
for a long time.
229
00:08:42,289 --> 00:08:46,149
Then one day,
in your car,
in broad daylight,
230
00:08:46,169 --> 00:08:48,139
suddenly,
she jumps on you
231
00:08:48,159 --> 00:08:50,089
and starts
giving you a blow job.
232
00:08:54,149 --> 00:08:55,239
Right?
233
00:08:55,259 --> 00:08:59,119
Well, the network
wants you to bump
Wu-Tang Clan.
234
00:08:59,139 --> 00:09:01,289
So, I'm not gettin'
a blow job?
235
00:09:02,009 --> 00:09:04,139
Well, the theory is,
is they want you
to build up
236
00:09:04,159 --> 00:09:06,219
a broad base of fan support
237
00:09:06,240 --> 00:09:09,150
before you start
scaring the shit
out of the Midwest.
238
00:09:11,049 --> 00:09:13,049
They didn't say anything
two hours ago.
239
00:09:13,070 --> 00:09:15,120
And what a glorious
two hours that was.
240
00:09:15,139 --> 00:09:17,059
Now you have
a choice of three:
241
00:09:17,080 --> 00:09:20,000
the home-schooled
heartthrobs
known as Hanson,
242
00:09:20,019 --> 00:09:23,009
the 1995 Country music's
best new artist,
243
00:09:23,029 --> 00:09:24,249
achy breaky
Billy Ray Cyrus,
244
00:09:24,269 --> 00:09:27,189
and the reunited,
reinvigorated,
245
00:09:27,210 --> 00:09:30,190
rehabilitated
Three Dog Night.
246
00:09:30,210 --> 00:09:31,240
Take your pick.
247
00:09:31,259 --> 00:09:33,259
Artie...
248
00:09:33,279 --> 00:09:35,019
I have a policy,
249
00:09:35,039 --> 00:09:37,069
never bump a band
that's packin' heat.
250
00:09:38,070 --> 00:09:39,120
Jon:
When are you
gonna do your movie?
251
00:09:39,139 --> 00:09:40,219
I'm gonna do a movie
maybe this year,
252
00:09:40,240 --> 00:09:42,140
try to get it out
by Christmas,
you know what I mean?
253
00:09:42,159 --> 00:09:43,259
Yeah.
So it sparkles in the air.
254
00:09:43,279 --> 00:09:46,139
That's gonna be nice, man.
Thank you very much
for coming down.
255
00:09:46,159 --> 00:09:47,239
You got
the envelope, right?
256
00:09:47,259 --> 00:09:50,179
I got the envelope,
I got the fruit basket,
I got everything.
257
00:09:50,200 --> 00:09:52,140
Guys, thank you
so much.
258
00:09:52,159 --> 00:09:54,169
Thank you, man.
I appreciate it.
259
00:09:54,190 --> 00:09:56,140
(indistinct chatter)
260
00:09:56,159 --> 00:09:58,039
We'll get the birds.
All we have are interns.
261
00:09:58,059 --> 00:09:59,139
I'll do the best
I can for you.
262
00:09:59,159 --> 00:10:01,059
All right? That'll
be all right, right?
263
00:10:01,080 --> 00:10:04,030
I got it.
264
00:10:04,049 --> 00:10:06,229
Here. It's called, uh,
"Enter the Wu-Tang,"
265
00:10:06,250 --> 00:10:10,050
and it's
their very newest CD.
Okay.
266
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:13,230
"Bring da Ruckus,"
267
00:10:13,250 --> 00:10:14,280
"Shame on a Nigga."
268
00:10:15,000 --> 00:10:16,130
I think it's
"Shame the Nigga."
269
00:10:16,149 --> 00:10:18,999
"Shame on a Nigga."
Yeah, you're right.
270
00:10:19,019 --> 00:10:21,009
"Clan in da Front."
271
00:10:22,240 --> 00:10:26,070
My God, they look
like carjackers.
272
00:10:31,139 --> 00:10:34,099
Jon:
You saved my ass,
so, I appreciate it.
273
00:10:34,120 --> 00:10:36,250
Ron.
Yeah, is he happy?
He's doing better, isn't he?
274
00:10:36,269 --> 00:10:39,119
Yeah, except that weight.
I know, exactly.
275
00:10:39,139 --> 00:10:40,249
How you doing, guys?
276
00:10:40,269 --> 00:10:42,189
What's
going on, boss?
277
00:10:42,210 --> 00:10:44,040
Hank Kingsley.
278
00:10:44,059 --> 00:10:45,079
Hank,
what up, Hank?
279
00:10:45,100 --> 00:10:46,220
Aight, Handsome Hank,
ballplayer.
280
00:10:46,240 --> 00:10:49,010
Okay.
How you doin', guys?
281
00:10:49,029 --> 00:10:50,049
Hey, what's goin' on?
282
00:10:50,070 --> 00:10:51,280
How are you?
Hank Kingsley.
283
00:10:52,000 --> 00:10:53,220
Hey, bro?
How you doin', man?
284
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:56,130
Peace, boss,
how you feel?
(mutters)
285
00:10:56,149 --> 00:10:58,119
I'm sorry,
I didn't get that.
(mutters)
286
00:10:58,139 --> 00:11:00,119
Hey... all right.
I'm into that.
287
00:11:00,139 --> 00:11:03,069
Well, I just want
to tell you guys I'm, uh...
288
00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:04,270
Hey, man,
how you doin'?
All right.
289
00:11:04,289 --> 00:11:07,229
Yeah? I'm really thrilled
for you guys to be here.
290
00:11:07,250 --> 00:11:09,280
I gotta tell you,
my absolute favorite song
291
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:11,270
is, uh, "Shame on a Nigga."
292
00:11:11,289 --> 00:11:13,279
"Shame on a Nigga"?
"Shame on a Nigga"?
293
00:11:14,000 --> 00:11:15,210
Man...
No?
294
00:11:15,230 --> 00:11:17,140
It's a phat song, though.
295
00:11:17,159 --> 00:11:18,229
Good song,
good song.
296
00:11:18,250 --> 00:11:21,060
Yeah? All right.
Hey, where's, uh,
Dirty Old Bitch?
297
00:11:21,080 --> 00:11:23,050
You mean
Ol' Dirty
Bastard, right?
298
00:11:23,070 --> 00:11:24,170
Ol' Dirty Bastard,
Ol' Dirty Bastard.
299
00:11:24,190 --> 00:11:26,050
Get it straight, man,
get it straight.
300
00:11:26,070 --> 00:11:27,160
Where...
where is he?
301
00:11:27,179 --> 00:11:30,009
You know,
he just got out of jail,
you know what I mean?
302
00:11:30,029 --> 00:11:31,269
He's just holdin' it down
at home for a while,
you know?
303
00:11:31,289 --> 00:11:34,119
Oh, man, see, I know that--
I know that dig, you know?
304
00:11:34,139 --> 00:11:37,039
I got-- I got parking tickets
comin' right outta my ass.
305
00:11:37,059 --> 00:11:40,039
You know?
Fuckers, cops, you know?
306
00:11:40,059 --> 00:11:41,259
Fuckers!
307
00:11:41,279 --> 00:11:44,139
You know?
You know?
308
00:11:44,159 --> 00:11:46,009
Hey, well, listen, huh?
309
00:11:46,029 --> 00:11:47,179
You know, have a ball
while you're here, okay?
310
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,230
You know, for real.
Okay? Hey.
311
00:11:51,009 --> 00:11:52,139
Oh, shit.
What you
dealing with, man?
312
00:11:52,159 --> 00:11:53,249
Go somewhere
with that, man.
313
00:11:53,269 --> 00:11:55,109
Ain't no stickup, baby.
Stick up.
314
00:11:55,129 --> 00:11:57,069
Get out of here, man.
315
00:11:58,070 --> 00:11:59,160
What's up
with your man, Jon?
316
00:11:59,179 --> 00:12:04,199
I just, uh... on behalf
of all my people,
I'd like to apologize.
317
00:12:04,220 --> 00:12:06,250
Thanks for coming, guys.
318
00:12:06,269 --> 00:12:09,029
Yo, cat's bogged, yo.
319
00:12:09,049 --> 00:12:11,169
Fuck y'all.
Ready,
hold on, ready?
320
00:12:11,190 --> 00:12:12,200
Break it down,
come on.
321
00:12:12,220 --> 00:12:14,180
Yo, yo, yo,
check it, yo.
322
00:12:14,200 --> 00:12:17,090
♪ Fuck y'all analog
niggas we be digital ♪
323
00:12:17,110 --> 00:12:20,010
♪ Wu-Tang killer army,
we indispensable ♪
324
00:12:20,029 --> 00:12:22,139
♪ We never fall,
we stand tall ♪
325
00:12:22,159 --> 00:12:25,049
♪ Like skyscrapers
and justice for all ♪
326
00:12:25,070 --> 00:12:28,100
♪ Ocean wide, worldwide,
done on the outside ♪
327
00:12:28,120 --> 00:12:31,160
♪ Cyanide, homicide,
inside, it's on, it's on ♪
328
00:12:31,179 --> 00:12:34,169
♪ My uniform's uno,
a cappella was take two ♪
329
00:12:34,190 --> 00:12:36,040
♪ Respect due,
no commercial ♪
330
00:12:36,059 --> 00:12:38,039
♪ I teach those,
I reach those ♪
331
00:12:38,059 --> 00:12:40,259
♪ Higher heights,
mikes of death,
words of wisdom ♪
332
00:12:40,279 --> 00:12:42,139
♪ Words of a
architect strike ♪
333
00:12:42,159 --> 00:12:44,199
♪ Hype is the crowd
down low, it's me ♪
334
00:12:44,220 --> 00:12:46,170
♪ Check we radical thug
nightclub ♪
335
00:12:46,190 --> 00:12:48,190
Wu-Tang Clan.
336
00:12:48,210 --> 00:12:51,020
Hey, they're great.
We're locked in.
337
00:12:51,039 --> 00:12:52,159
Okay, okay,
if Jon feels that way,
338
00:12:52,179 --> 00:12:53,169
let him have 'em.
339
00:12:53,190 --> 00:12:54,270
But what's this about?
340
00:12:54,289 --> 00:12:57,039
What is it?
It's the Hitler sketch.
341
00:12:57,059 --> 00:12:58,079
I don't know
what this is.
342
00:12:58,100 --> 00:12:59,080
It's about Hitler.
343
00:12:59,100 --> 00:13:01,290
Artie, we got a call
from standards
and practices.
344
00:13:02,009 --> 00:13:04,249
Now, we have
to make our position
absolutely clear on this.
345
00:13:04,269 --> 00:13:06,219
There will be
no representation
346
00:13:06,240 --> 00:13:08,150
of Adolf Hitler
on this network.
347
00:13:08,169 --> 00:13:10,219
Except in documentary
or docudrama form.
348
00:13:10,240 --> 00:13:12,160
Until 10 seconds ago,
349
00:13:12,179 --> 00:13:13,289
I was blissfully unaware
350
00:13:14,009 --> 00:13:15,149
that such
a Hitler sketch existed.
351
00:13:15,169 --> 00:13:16,209
♪ All right, motherfuckers ♪
352
00:13:16,230 --> 00:13:18,180
Did they say
"motherfucker"?
353
00:13:18,200 --> 00:13:20,100
I believe
they did.
354
00:13:20,120 --> 00:13:21,230
♪ Spot the best pussy ♪
355
00:13:21,250 --> 00:13:22,270
And "pussy"?
356
00:13:22,289 --> 00:13:24,039
That, too.
357
00:13:24,059 --> 00:13:26,129
Do you remember
my friend Barry?
358
00:13:26,149 --> 00:13:28,069
Barry?
My friend?
359
00:13:28,090 --> 00:13:29,190
Which guy is that?
360
00:13:29,210 --> 00:13:31,220
He's the guy
that can get his hands
on these diamonds,
361
00:13:31,240 --> 00:13:32,250
they're uncut.
362
00:13:32,269 --> 00:13:34,279
Oh.
He brings them over
from South Africa
363
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:36,080
at seven
million dollars.
Right.
364
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,030
As soon as they come over,
it's $25 million.
365
00:13:38,049 --> 00:13:40,179
Everything's included,
it's certified.
366
00:13:40,200 --> 00:13:42,040
That's somethin'.
367
00:13:42,059 --> 00:13:44,139
It's a very sweet deal.
Sounds like it.
368
00:13:44,159 --> 00:13:46,239
This is a great situation
where I know the contacts
369
00:13:46,259 --> 00:13:48,049
and have access
to the capital.
370
00:13:48,070 --> 00:13:50,180
We put 'em together,
we're printing money.
371
00:13:52,190 --> 00:13:54,140
This is great.
372
00:13:54,159 --> 00:13:56,169
I feel like,
you know...
373
00:13:56,190 --> 00:13:59,110
like we're
really catching up.
374
00:13:59,129 --> 00:14:01,079
I feel
the exact same way.
Really?
375
00:14:01,100 --> 00:14:03,040
This is gonna be
a really good deal
for both of us.
376
00:14:03,059 --> 00:14:04,209
I'm so glad
you're here.
377
00:14:04,230 --> 00:14:06,160
I have a question
for you.
378
00:14:06,179 --> 00:14:08,999
What are you gonna do
now that the show's over?
379
00:14:12,100 --> 00:14:14,200
I'm scared
to death, Stan.
380
00:14:14,220 --> 00:14:15,260
Well, you should be
381
00:14:15,279 --> 00:14:18,049
because you don't
have anything
on the back burner.
382
00:14:18,070 --> 00:14:20,180
Remember Carson's
last show,
the last show,
383
00:14:20,200 --> 00:14:22,010
the big last show?
384
00:14:22,029 --> 00:14:23,249
Yeah.
How many people you think
385
00:14:23,269 --> 00:14:25,229
tuned in for that,
how many viewers?
386
00:14:25,250 --> 00:14:27,200
You're
in the business.
387
00:14:27,220 --> 00:14:28,240
I don't know.
388
00:14:28,259 --> 00:14:30,059
20 million.
389
00:14:30,080 --> 00:14:32,120
20 million.
That sounds right.
390
00:14:32,139 --> 00:14:34,169
Yeah, well, that's why
Carson's an idiot.
391
00:14:34,190 --> 00:14:36,080
'Cause if he'd just done
a pay-per-view
392
00:14:36,100 --> 00:14:37,220
at $39 a pop,
393
00:14:37,240 --> 00:14:41,020
he would've made
$800 million, one night.
394
00:14:41,039 --> 00:14:43,049
That's before video
or anything.
395
00:14:43,070 --> 00:14:44,280
Idiot.
396
00:14:46,070 --> 00:14:48,190
Right.
397
00:14:48,210 --> 00:14:51,040
Sounds like you've really
thought it through, Stan.
398
00:14:51,059 --> 00:14:52,179
Hey, it's just math.
399
00:14:52,200 --> 00:14:54,030
Now you've got one
of these...
400
00:14:54,049 --> 00:14:56,049
"last shows" coming up,
don't you?
401
00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:57,290
Yes, I do.
402
00:14:58,009 --> 00:15:02,049
Barry... he knows the guy
who set up the WWF,
403
00:15:02,070 --> 00:15:03,220
the whole system.
404
00:15:03,240 --> 00:15:06,130
The World Wrestling Federation?
Federation, exactly.
405
00:15:06,149 --> 00:15:07,999
Barry knows that guy?
406
00:15:08,019 --> 00:15:10,199
Wow, he's connected.
407
00:15:12,259 --> 00:15:16,009
Okay, now, if I wanted to buy
the Roberto Clemente from you...
408
00:15:16,029 --> 00:15:18,239
how much would you
sell it for me?
409
00:15:18,259 --> 00:15:21,289
Hmm...
'Cause I think
I can sell it.
410
00:15:25,110 --> 00:15:27,030
A conglomerate
of shit on a shingle.
411
00:15:27,049 --> 00:15:31,149
You told me you were doing
"Jon's Bar Mitzvah Memory."
412
00:15:31,169 --> 00:15:33,089
Yeah,
well, this is funnier.
413
00:15:33,110 --> 00:15:36,070
That's not
the goddamn point, Jon.
414
00:15:37,230 --> 00:15:41,260
You leave me out there
with my pants around my ankles,
Vaseline on my ass.
415
00:15:41,279 --> 00:15:43,019
I don't know
what the fuck happened.
416
00:15:43,039 --> 00:15:45,059
Artie, you wouldn't
have approved this sketch.
417
00:15:45,080 --> 00:15:48,180
That's right,
it's Hitler, goddamn it.
It's funny!
418
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,140
It doesn't bother me
and I'm Jewish.
419
00:15:50,159 --> 00:15:52,119
So was Jesus,
and we all know
where he ended up.
420
00:15:52,139 --> 00:15:53,259
Yeah, on the WB.
421
00:15:53,279 --> 00:15:55,219
(chuckling)
422
00:15:55,240 --> 00:15:57,260
You're a funny guy.
423
00:16:01,159 --> 00:16:05,049
Oh, by the way, the network
has bumped the Wu-Tang Clan.
424
00:16:05,070 --> 00:16:07,080
Sweetheart, if you
do this Hitler sketch,
425
00:16:07,100 --> 00:16:09,190
you're gonna follow 'em
right out the door.
426
00:16:10,269 --> 00:16:12,079
Jon:
Uh, how tall
a woman are you?
427
00:16:12,100 --> 00:16:13,290
I am six feet tall,
and you know what?
428
00:16:14,009 --> 00:16:15,269
If I never have
to answer that question again,
429
00:16:15,289 --> 00:16:16,289
I'll be a happy woman.
430
00:16:17,009 --> 00:16:18,019
Are you serious?
Yeah.
431
00:16:18,039 --> 00:16:19,119
So that wasn't
the way to get in.
432
00:16:19,139 --> 00:16:21,119
I think I'm just gonna
write like, you know,
have a tattoo...
433
00:16:21,139 --> 00:16:23,029
on my forehead.
Six feet.
434
00:16:23,049 --> 00:16:24,069
Really?
435
00:16:24,090 --> 00:16:27,060
I have that tattoo
somewhere else.
436
00:16:27,080 --> 00:16:28,200
(laughter)
437
00:16:28,220 --> 00:16:30,150
What do you think?
438
00:16:30,169 --> 00:16:31,269
Oh, he's--
he's doin' great.
439
00:16:31,289 --> 00:16:33,199
Yeah, yeah,
this is just
what we wanted.
440
00:16:33,220 --> 00:16:35,000
Jon:
Your character
on the show
441
00:16:35,019 --> 00:16:39,059
is a man trapped
in a woman's body.
442
00:16:39,080 --> 00:16:42,060
I'm a very masculine alien
in a woman's body.
443
00:16:42,080 --> 00:16:44,100
None of us
have any sex
444
00:16:44,120 --> 00:16:45,290
until we've been put
into these bodies.
445
00:16:46,009 --> 00:16:48,219
Wow. I can't believe
I'm not on your show.
446
00:16:48,240 --> 00:16:51,250
You know what's odd--
You know,
you could be.
447
00:16:51,269 --> 00:16:52,279
No, I'm sure I could.
448
00:16:53,000 --> 00:16:54,230
I'm actually a very
masculine alien trapped
449
00:16:54,250 --> 00:16:57,160
in Mickey Rooney's body.
Isn't that sad?
450
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:02,109
(cheers and applause)
451
00:17:02,129 --> 00:17:04,279
All right.
452
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:06,080
Is everybody doing okay?
453
00:17:06,099 --> 00:17:07,249
Is the keg tapped back there?
454
00:17:07,269 --> 00:17:09,229
Are you enjoying yourselves?
Uh, very nice.
455
00:17:09,250 --> 00:17:11,190
You know, uh,
I was in Germany recently,
456
00:17:11,210 --> 00:17:13,200
according to this intro,
457
00:17:13,220 --> 00:17:16,160
and I saw one
of their most popular
game shows,
458
00:17:16,180 --> 00:17:18,240
and oddly enough,
it patterns itself
459
00:17:18,259 --> 00:17:21,119
after one of our
most popular game shows.
460
00:17:21,140 --> 00:17:23,230
So without further adieu,
let me introduce you to this.
461
00:17:23,250 --> 00:17:26,060
It's a quiz show
from Germany.
462
00:17:26,079 --> 00:17:29,039
Please welcome your host,
Adolf Hankler.
463
00:17:29,059 --> 00:17:31,129
Adolf!
464
00:17:31,150 --> 00:17:33,180
(cheers and applause)
465
00:17:41,069 --> 00:17:42,179
Heil now!
466
00:17:42,200 --> 00:17:45,100
And welcome
to the show.
467
00:17:45,119 --> 00:17:47,189
And let's get started.
468
00:17:47,210 --> 00:17:51,070
The categories are
"20th Century History,"
469
00:17:51,089 --> 00:17:53,039
"Tennis," "Medicine,"
470
00:17:53,059 --> 00:17:55,009
"Begins with W,"
471
00:17:55,029 --> 00:17:56,079
and "Potpourri."
472
00:17:56,099 --> 00:17:58,269
I thought we told him
to cut that.
473
00:17:58,289 --> 00:17:59,289
We did.
474
00:18:00,009 --> 00:18:01,019
Hank:
Which one of you
is Matt?
475
00:18:01,039 --> 00:18:02,139
Let's go.
476
00:18:02,160 --> 00:18:03,170
Hank:
Heil now.
477
00:18:03,190 --> 00:18:07,010
You won the coin toss backstage,
pick the first category.
478
00:18:07,029 --> 00:18:09,159
Uh, I'll take
"20th Century History," Adolf.
479
00:18:09,180 --> 00:18:11,110
Good.
480
00:18:11,130 --> 00:18:14,270
Hank: "The cause
of the sinking
of the Titanic."
481
00:18:14,289 --> 00:18:17,159
(bell dings)
What is an iceberg?
482
00:18:17,180 --> 00:18:19,110
(buzzer)
No, I'm sorry.
483
00:18:19,130 --> 00:18:22,110
The correct response is
"What were the Jews?"
484
00:18:22,130 --> 00:18:24,100
(audience laughs)
485
00:18:24,119 --> 00:18:26,049
Hello?
Mr. Alexander?
486
00:18:26,069 --> 00:18:28,069
Hi, you'll be on
right after this sketch.
487
00:18:28,089 --> 00:18:29,269
Um... excuse me,
do you know,
488
00:18:29,289 --> 00:18:32,269
I'm the celebrity spokesman
for the Anti-Defamation League?
489
00:18:32,289 --> 00:18:35,229
No, I didn't
know that. Okay.
490
00:18:35,250 --> 00:18:38,080
This is really inappropriate.
491
00:18:38,099 --> 00:18:40,089
This is offensive.
492
00:18:40,109 --> 00:18:42,269
I'm sorry, I can't,
uh, I can't follow this.
493
00:18:42,289 --> 00:18:44,089
I'm sorry,
I can't go on after this.
494
00:18:44,109 --> 00:18:46,209
Didn't you do Nazi stuff
on "Seinfeld"?
495
00:18:46,230 --> 00:18:49,190
Yeah, that's an entirely
different situation.
496
00:18:49,210 --> 00:18:51,090
Oh.
497
00:18:53,089 --> 00:18:54,209
What is this?
498
00:18:54,230 --> 00:18:57,000
This is your new host,
Jon Stewart.
499
00:18:57,019 --> 00:18:58,069
He's Hit-larious.
500
00:18:58,089 --> 00:19:00,069
Arthur, I thought
we agreed-- no Hitler.
501
00:19:00,089 --> 00:19:02,009
Well, he's toned
it down just for you.
502
00:19:02,029 --> 00:19:04,169
What do you mean
"Hitler"? This is "Hankler."
503
00:19:04,190 --> 00:19:05,220
You tell him it's cut.
504
00:19:05,240 --> 00:19:08,000
We're not putting
that fucking sketch
on the air.
505
00:19:08,019 --> 00:19:10,049
They would never let us
do this on "Third Rock."
506
00:19:10,069 --> 00:19:11,059
Yeah?
507
00:19:11,079 --> 00:19:12,269
Pick another topic.
508
00:19:12,289 --> 00:19:15,009
Uh... "Potpourri"?
509
00:19:15,029 --> 00:19:16,079
"This small group of people
510
00:19:16,099 --> 00:19:19,259
control
all the world's money."
511
00:19:19,279 --> 00:19:20,289
24-hour turnaround.
512
00:19:21,009 --> 00:19:22,189
I cannot
listen to this
anymore, Stan.
513
00:19:22,210 --> 00:19:24,250
Okay, just think about it.
Just think about it.
514
00:19:24,269 --> 00:19:26,019
Listen, you know
what the trouble is,
515
00:19:26,039 --> 00:19:28,109
I've got all my money
invested in Hong Kong chickens.
516
00:19:28,130 --> 00:19:30,210
Do me a favor,
call Barry,
talk to him.
517
00:19:30,230 --> 00:19:32,110
Because he is just
better at this.
518
00:19:32,130 --> 00:19:34,150
I don't want to invest
in your goddamn diamonds, Stan!
519
00:19:34,170 --> 00:19:36,240
Look, I'm not asking
for a handout here.
520
00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:38,199
This is a legitimate
business venture.
521
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:40,240
Oh, I'm sure it's a good
business venture.
522
00:19:40,259 --> 00:19:43,059
After all,
Barry's involved in it.
523
00:19:43,079 --> 00:19:45,209
Oh, so what, I want to triple
your money in one day,
524
00:19:45,230 --> 00:19:47,130
and what,
I'm a fucking asshole.
525
00:19:47,150 --> 00:19:49,030
You know what, Stan?
I made a mistake.
526
00:19:49,049 --> 00:19:51,049
I thought
you were coming here...
527
00:19:51,069 --> 00:19:53,149
so we could get closer
as brothers, okay?
528
00:19:53,170 --> 00:19:54,290
That's what I thought.
529
00:19:55,009 --> 00:19:57,149
So, when you ask me
for money,
530
00:19:57,170 --> 00:19:59,150
I feel like your father,
531
00:19:59,170 --> 00:20:01,170
and it fucks everything up.
532
00:20:01,190 --> 00:20:03,230
I'm sorry. I'm sorry
for coming out here
533
00:20:03,250 --> 00:20:05,010
and fuckin'
everything up for you,
534
00:20:05,029 --> 00:20:06,239
but some of us
have to work or a living.
535
00:20:06,259 --> 00:20:08,239
We don't go onstage
and tell jokes
536
00:20:08,259 --> 00:20:11,129
and cash checks,
and fuck actresses.
537
00:20:11,150 --> 00:20:13,230
I'm aware of that.
You are aware
of that.
538
00:20:13,250 --> 00:20:15,130
Well, let me tell you
what I'm aware of.
539
00:20:15,150 --> 00:20:17,180
You are selfish.
540
00:20:17,200 --> 00:20:21,090
You're selfish now,
you were selfish
when you were 10.
541
00:20:21,109 --> 00:20:23,039
It's always you
and your career
542
00:20:23,059 --> 00:20:25,149
and your show
and your therapist,
543
00:20:25,170 --> 00:20:27,050
and everyone else
is second,
544
00:20:27,069 --> 00:20:28,279
me, and mom
and everybody.
545
00:20:29,000 --> 00:20:30,070
That is not true.
546
00:20:33,140 --> 00:20:34,160
It's true.
547
00:20:34,180 --> 00:20:37,030
That isn't true.
548
00:20:37,049 --> 00:20:39,089
All right, just tell me
the names of my kids.
549
00:20:39,109 --> 00:20:41,059
Answer me that.
550
00:20:44,230 --> 00:20:45,230
(applause)
551
00:20:45,250 --> 00:20:47,200
That was good, huh?
Wasn't it good?
552
00:20:47,220 --> 00:20:48,260
That was great.
553
00:20:48,279 --> 00:20:51,169
Wow, we should make that
a regular part of the show.
Yeah.
554
00:20:55,240 --> 00:20:56,280
Very, very funny.
555
00:20:57,000 --> 00:20:58,060
It was funny.
556
00:20:58,079 --> 00:20:59,109
Absolutely.
557
00:20:59,130 --> 00:21:01,100
The network
is cutting it.
558
00:21:01,119 --> 00:21:03,089
It's gone.
559
00:21:03,109 --> 00:21:04,159
It's gone?
560
00:21:04,180 --> 00:21:06,090
Se fue.
561
00:21:08,009 --> 00:21:10,099
Let's just bring out
Jason Alexander.
562
00:21:10,119 --> 00:21:11,169
We'll do
three segments and...
563
00:21:11,190 --> 00:21:14,190
Well, Jason got offended
by the sketch. He left.
564
00:21:16,190 --> 00:21:20,000
So tonight's show is
me and Kristen Johnston
for an hour?
565
00:21:20,019 --> 00:21:24,059
No. The entire show
is gone.
566
00:21:25,099 --> 00:21:28,219
I believe tonight
will be a "Best of Larry."
567
00:21:33,230 --> 00:21:37,020
I can't believe I went
with my instincts, Jesus.
568
00:21:40,049 --> 00:21:42,209
Artie...
569
00:21:42,230 --> 00:21:45,150
You got to be
my producer, man.
570
00:21:45,170 --> 00:21:46,260
You got to stay.
571
00:21:48,180 --> 00:21:50,250
I can't do the show
without you.
572
00:21:50,269 --> 00:21:53,199
(laughing)
573
00:22:01,000 --> 00:22:03,070
All right,
let's cut the shit.
574
00:22:03,089 --> 00:22:05,029
Am I in or out?
575
00:22:10,009 --> 00:22:11,129
Good luck
with your fuckin' show
576
00:22:11,150 --> 00:22:14,050
because it's off
to a great start.
577
00:22:14,069 --> 00:22:15,289
Loser.
578
00:22:16,009 --> 00:22:17,289
Stan:
There's only two,
one's a girl.
579
00:22:18,009 --> 00:22:20,149
(phone rings)
580
00:22:23,160 --> 00:22:24,180
Hello.
581
00:22:24,200 --> 00:22:25,240
Are you sitting down?
582
00:22:28,119 --> 00:22:30,129
Hold on one second.
583
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:33,060
Larry:
Why don't you, um...
584
00:22:33,079 --> 00:22:35,999
have Barry call
my business manager
585
00:22:36,019 --> 00:22:39,029
and have him
send the prospectus...
586
00:22:40,089 --> 00:22:42,019
and, uh...
587
00:22:42,039 --> 00:22:43,149
I'll take a look at it.
588
00:22:43,170 --> 00:22:44,220
You'd do that?
589
00:22:44,240 --> 00:22:48,230
It sounds like, um...
something worthwhile.
590
00:22:48,250 --> 00:22:50,160
It's not something worth--
It's golden.
591
00:22:51,220 --> 00:22:54,020
Hello, Artie?
What's up?
592
00:22:54,039 --> 00:22:55,269
Uh, they pulled the show.
593
00:22:55,289 --> 00:22:57,239
It was a fucking catastrophe.
594
00:22:57,259 --> 00:22:58,249
You're kidding.
595
00:22:58,269 --> 00:22:59,999
Listen, set your VCR
596
00:23:00,019 --> 00:23:02,249
for "The Larry Sanders
Anniversary Show"
number five.
597
00:23:02,269 --> 00:23:04,219
Artie:
It's a classic.
598
00:23:04,240 --> 00:23:07,040
I'm on TV tonight.
599
00:23:07,059 --> 00:23:09,289
(theme music playing)
43366
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