All language subtitles for The.Larry.Sanders.Show.S04E04_English

Well, uh,
we're out of time.

I'd like to thank
my guests,

Kevin Bacon
and Fran Drescher.

Uh, my apologies to comedian
Jeff Cesario

for, uh,
running out of time,

but of course,
we'll get him back

as soon as we can.

Larry, on TV:
Good night.
See you tomorrow.

This will be, like,
the ninth time in a row.

There's nothing we could do.
Artie gave him the signal,

and the guy, uh,
just kept going.

It was like he didn't even
see the sign or something,

I don't know, maybe he was
loaded or something like that.

He was loaded.

Look, you're still
a bright, young comedian.

Jesus, Larry.

I'm 42.

You've bumped me clean out
of the young comedian category.

Come on. Come on
the show tomorrow,

and... and you won't
be bumped.

Stop. Just...
It'll be
the first time...

we've never had anyone
back the next night.
Larry, stop it.

Stop it. This is getting
embarrassing.

Christ, I feel like
George Miller.

I have never made that
guarantee to George Miller.

Oh, boy.
They recognize me.

Some of them just stare
straight ahead.

Larry, the show is full.
We cannot have Cesario on.

I am not bumping
Jeff Cesario.

Jeff Cesario is
a friend of mine.

Who else is booked?

Rob Lowe.
Artie:
Movie star.

Big with the ladies.
Un-bumpable.

Paula:
Vendela.

Uh, I'm not bumping
Vendela. Who else?

David Duchovny,
star of "The X-Files."

Supremely bumpable.

I've heard he's
very hot right now.

Is that right?
Artie:
That show is for geeks.

Paula:
It is not for geeks,

and People Magazine
believes him

to be
the next James Dean.

Ha!

Well, I'm going let
that bit of nonsense pass.

Fine. The point is,
they're all good

and there's not room
for Cesario.

Uh, there is
another option.

If you trimmed
your monologue a wee bit,

we'd have time
for everybody.

Well, if I cut
my monologue down,

it takes me three minutes
to get going to begin with,

so if I cut it down
by two minutes,

I'm only gonna have one minute
where it really works.

How... how long has
he been in here?

Artie:
Hank. Hey, come on.

You're bringing
everybody down.

I'm sorry.
Sorry. Um...

remember when
I said, uh...

when my dad died
that I'd like

to do a tribute
to him on the show?

Yeah.
Hank:
Well...

tonight's the night.

Oh.
When did he die?

This morning.
Artie:
Hank...

my sincere sympathies,
but buddy,

tonight's show
is overbooked.

Yeah, but listen,
uh,

I promised Dad
that whenever he died,

I would do
a tribute for him.

I mean, if...
if, God willing,

the show were still
on the air.

Now, come on!

Who's more important
than that promise?

Rob Lowe.

He's not even
on Baywatch anymore.

Vendela.

Ah, right.
More pussy for Larry.

I'm sorry. That's not me.
You know that's not me.

That's just
the grief talking.

David Duchovny.

The chef?
Come on!

The star of
"The X-Files,"

and according
to "People" Magazine,
the next James Dean.

I just asked you
not to say that.

Well, who else?
Jeff Cesario.

Again?
What is he, homeless?

Get a job.
Larry:
All right.

Hank, is it possible that
you could do it tomorrow

or maybe the day
of the funeral?

Okay, let me
just say it to you

in a way that
you can understand.

My dad died today.
(tearing up)
Larry:
Yeah.

My pop died today.

So if I talk about it
another day,

it's not gonna
be topical.

How much time you need?

I need four minutes.
No way. Can't do it.

Uh, three and a half minutes,
I can get it done.

Can you do it in three?
Hank:
I can do it in three.

All right.

Let's, uh, give him
two and a half minutes,

and, uh,
we'll make it work.

Thank you.
We're pushin'
the envelope as it is.

Thanks. Thank you.
Larry:
We'll make it work.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

I really appreciate it.

Thank you.
Thanks.

All this talk about death
is a bummer.

I'm havin'
a cigarette.

What is he doing?

I-I thought Hank
hated his father.

His old man abandoned him
when he was two.

Beverly!

Yes?
I want you to check
and make sure

that Hank's father
really died.

Hank's father died?

Supposedly, he died
this morning.
Larry:
All right.

This is sad.

Let's not get too cynical.
Please?

(knocking on door)
Yeah?

Hey, Hank?
Oh, yeah?

I finished your tribute.
Uh, hope it's okay.

Okay, come on,
come on.

I got 20 minutes
to learn this sucker.

So hit me with it,
tiger.

Okay, um, "sad day today
in the Kingsley household."

Sad day.

"My father passed away
this morning,

and I will miss him..."
Hank, I'm just so sorry.

All right. Go ahead.
"...very much.

"He was not famous.

His face never appeared
on a magazine..."
Mm-hmm.

"But he taught me the important
lessons of life."

Blah.
"He was..."

Blah, blah,
blah, blah.

Come on, Phil!

It's just, I don't know
anything about your father.

It would really help if
I had something...

Brian:
Hank... Hank, what kind
of man was your dad?

Did he take you
to baseball games?

Did you listen
to the same music?

Yeah, right.
You know...

Did he show up
at your high school graduation?

I don't wanna
discuss this.

All right?
He was a great man.

That's all you need
to know.

Come on.

Okay.
Uh, good, well...

Yeah, now that
I got somethin',

I'll, uh, take
another stab at it.

See you in about
ten minutes?

Yeah. You got
ten minutes!

Okay, we got to go.
Okay?
All right.

Tell him, "For He's
A Jolly Good Fellow,"

and just tell him
to play it slow.

Okay. Okay.

Who we gonna bump?
Well, okay, we're not
gonna bump Cesario.

He's a friend of mine.

I'm not gonna bump him.
That's it.

So, Vendela.

Or Duchovny.

Or the oth...
or Rob Lowe.

No!
Well, Bev... Beverly,

what do you think
we should do?

Well, I just wanna know

when you're gonna have
some black people on.

(sighing)
All right.
Come on.

I'll bump Cesario.

You bump Hank.

Oh, I just love it
when you take control.

Yeah, well, they've got
David Duchovny,

Vendela, some comic...

yeah, Vendela.

Look...
Honey...

let's not get
into that again.

That was
a long time ago,

and you shouldn't
read those magazines.

They write what they want,
you know?

Yes, I think she's pretty.

You're prettier.

Pull the trigger.

Pull it.

And you're gonna
talk to Hank?

Right.

Jeff:
Ma, I won't swear, okay?

Hey.
Larry.

Hey, Jeff. Oh.
How are ya?

You met my parents.
Oh, sure, sure.

Uh, Mrs. Cesario
and Mr. Cesario.

Did I get it right?
Yeah, I think so.

Mrs. Cesario:
I was just saying to Jeff

"when are you gonna stop
being a comedian

and get your own show
like Larry?"
All righty, Ma.

You know, uh, that's what
my mother used to say to me,

and look at me now.

Huh? All right.
Listen, have a good one.

Thanks.
Came to wish you luck,

and, uh, maybe you wanna
come by the house afterwards

and have dinner over
at my place, watch the show.

Love to.
Thanks.

It's your parents.
Okay.

Well?
Well.

Well?
Well, I didn't tell him.

His parents
are in there.

Oh, Larry.
That's right.

If those are
his parents,

he probably
brought them in

to put more fucking
pressure on you.

What did Hank say?

You invited Jeff
to dinner, didn't you?

What did Hank say?

I'm going in there
right now.

I would like to...

Hey, Larry.

Hey, how you doin'?

Good. How you doin'?
Good to see ya.

Larry, I'm...
I'm, uh, David Duchovny.

I'm on the show
tonight.

Oh, sorry. Jeez.

I don't get Fox, you know?
Right.

I'm Artie, the producer.
I'm...

Hi.

We have a very tight
show tonight.

Oh, man.

You're not gonna
bump me, are you?

Yeah, Leno bumped me.

Letterman bumped me
twice.
Bastards.

Uh, they wrote me
out of three days' work

just to get down here
from Canada.

You know, it's not like
I was beggin' to be on the show.

You guys have been askin' me
to be on the show for months.

I didn't come here just
to stick my thumb up my ass.

I've gotta go talk
to Hank.

Will you excuse me
one second?

I'll talk to him.
No, I'll talk to him.

He'll bellow
like a bull moose.

Let me talk to Hank
a minute.

How you doin'?

Hey.
I'm doin' great.

Good. Good makeup.
It looks good.

Well, that's the man.
Nice job.

Listen, we're running
a little tight

on the show
tonight, and...

well, we were talking
about a few, uh...

You're gonna bump
my dead father?

No.

I was wondering
if you wanted

to come over
to the house, uh,

after the show
for dinner.

Make sure you're okay.

Oh, sure.
I'd love that.

Good. Good.
Thanks.

What, is that...
is that a tawny beige?

I invited him
to dinner.

I know somebody that
can take Hank out.

We'll make it
a father-son sweep.

Larry Sanders?
Oh, Vendela.

So happy to see you.
Hi.

Is Vendela, uh,
what I should call you

or do you have...

do your friends
call you something else?

Well, my friends
started callin' me

Doll, Baby,
Peanut, Princess.

Well, Princess won't work,
'cause that's what he calls me.

So where's
the makeup room?

Oh, the makeup room
is right in here.
Okay.

Thanks.
(chuckling)
Yeah.

Hank:
Hey, now.

My dad died
today.

She's really
flirting with me.

Yeah. No shit.

This isn't gonna work out
the way we planned, so...

meet you backstage.
Okay.

The Montana bit

and the stupid people
infomercial.

Clueless people driving...

Artie:
Jeff, my boy.

What's wrong?
Nothing.

You'll be happy to know
that Mom and Dad

will be sitting
right down front.

Oh, thanks.

Man, I have this set
so honed,

I could just
do it in my sleep.

Hey, that's great.

Cut two minutes.
I suggest the infomercial bit.

It's been done
to death.

Easy fix.
No problem.

Artie?
Oh, gosh.

Uh, I've timed out
my tribute

and with the song,
it comes to four minutes.

I'm cutting you
down to two.

I can't possibly honor
my father in two minutes.

Listen, buddy,

I'm sorry about your
father, I really am.

But this has jack
to do with him.

It's got to do
with you

grabbing a little glory
in the spotlight.

Cut it down to two.

(applause)

By the way, uh...

during the annual beach cleanup
here in Los Angeles,

they found...
listen to this...

4,400 syringes
and 7,200 condoms.

(laughter)

And, uh,
I just wanna say,

uh, I'm sorry.

Next time I'll use
a trash bin.

(laughter and applause)

A, uh...

a, uh, gorilla
named Ivan

who had been kept
in a mall for 28 years

was put in a cage
with two females,

and the females literally
chased him around

and slapped him repeatedly.

And if that doesn't prove
the theory of evolution,

I don't know what does.

(laughter and applause

Larry, on TV:
The, uh...

did you see this, Hank?
In Washington, D.C.,

three people were
struck by lightning

while watching
a Grateful Dead concert.
Hank: Wow.

And, uh, upon regaining
consciousness,

one of the victims said

he thought the concert
was kind of short, but...

(laughter)

but that the light show
was "a killer, dude."

(laughter and applause)

We have a, uh,
we have a great show tonight.

We have, uh, Rob Lowe.
(cheering and applause))

We have David Duchovny.
We have Vendela.

And of course,
comedian Jeff Cesario.

We'll be right back.
No flipping.

(cheering and applause)

Rob:
He was telling me this story
about Laurence Olivier.

So, how many kids
do you have now?

Uh, my son Matthew
is 21 months.
Uh-huh.

And we have another,
uh, on the way, in November.

Hey,
congratulations.

Yeah, it was great.
My wife says to me...

That is great. I wish we
had a little more time,

but we're gonna
have to cut it short,

and you'll come back,
uh, soon,

and tell us, uh, more.
All right?

We'll be right back
with, uh, Vendela.

(cheering and applause)
No flipping.

No flipping.
Vendela.

Man:
We're clear!

Larry, my wife lets me
talk more than that.

Well, you know, uh,

marriage is about,
uh, communication.

This is a talk show.
Okay?

What the hell's
wrong with him?

I'm sorry, what?

I... I was in the middle
of tellin' a stor...

My father died today.

Terrific, Rob.

My regards
to your brother Chad.

How are we doing?

Still long because
of the monologue.

Well, it was
a hot crowd.

Keep it moving,
Princess.

If anyone can do it,
you can.

Okay, okay. I'll see ya,
uh, after the show?

Dinner?
My house?

Love to, if the show
ever ends.
Good.
All right.

Larry, on TV:
Our next guest is the beautiful
and talented...

I don't believe it.

I'm gonna
get bumped again.

You're not gonna
get bumped again.

Would you excuse me
for one second?

Larry, on TV:
Gee, you're very, very,
very beautiful.

Are you a model?
(laughter)

Oh, it's so great
to be here.

It's great.

You are beautiful.
Oh, thank you.

Are you... Are you...
So are you.

Uh, well, you know,

I did a lot
of modeling myself.

Say, um...

what have you got there,
if I may ask?

Oh, just a little present
for you.

For me?

That is so sweet of you.
Yeah.

Well, let's put it up
right here.

Okay.
And, uh...

You can open it...
you have to wait

until you get home,
though.

I don't want you
to open it right now.

You don't want me
to open it now?
No.

Well, I like the element
of surprise.
You do?

Yes. I like anything wrapped
in a ribbon.

Well, my number
is inside here.

You should remember that.

So when you open it...
Your number is?

just give me a call,
okay?
Oh! Good.

Well, I can guarantee you

I will not be
returning this.

You did a car... you just
did a car commercial

or something?
I did a car commercial.

Actually, before
I signed my contract...

my cosmetic contract

with Almay...
Uh-huh.

Um...
Yes, you may.

Yeah, I may.
(laughter)

I, um...

I was sort of, you know,
just starting out,

and I was...
I went into this audition.

I really, really wanted
this job so badly.

I'll bet, yeah.

That is a great story.
And, of course...

Why don't we, uh,
take a quick break

'cause we're out
of time.

I wanna thank you
for being here.

You've just been
delightful,

and we'll be right back
with David Duchovny.

David Duchovny next.
(cheering and applause)

No flipping.
No flipping.

Man:
Clear!

That was so rude.

What? That was...
you did great.

My next guest
is the star

of Fox TV's hit series
"The X-Files,"

and, uh,
we're happy to have him.

Please welcome
David Duchovny.

(cheering and applause)

Good to see you.

I'm such a big fan
of "The X-Files."

Now, let me ask you,
I... I... I...

I've been getting
your letters, thank you.

Yes, well...
They're appreciated.

So, "The X-Files" has...
how do we describe it?

Does it have
a cult following

or just a big, broad,
mass following?

Because it's gotten
very popular.

Well, you see,
a cult following

is what, uh,
the media or a network

likes to call a really
small audience.

Right.
So really bad ratings

is a cult following.
Yeah.

So that's what we had
in the beginning.

We had a cult following.
Yeah.

Now we have
a big cult following,

which is mediocre ratings.

Larry, on TV:
Well, we still have
a cult following.

Why don't we, uh,
before we show the clip...

Right.
why don't you
go ahead and describe

a little bit about,
"The X-Files,"
what it's about.

The show is about
two FBI agents who are...

who are... who are investigating
paranormal activity.
Mm-hmm.

It would be anything
unexplained that...

that, uh, that the FBI
hasn't been able to solve.

Mostly murders,
disappearances,

and things like this.
Mm-hmm.

The character that I play
is a believer

and my partner,
played by Gillian Anderson,

is a non-believer,
a scientist, a doctor.
Mm-hmm.

So that we have this
kind of Laurel and Hardy

with sexual tension
relationship

if you can imagine that.

Something like what
you guys got goin' here.

So, uh,
but you know, every...

every time I try
to explain the show,

it sounds really lame,
and I have to...
Mm-hmm.

I have to dismiss it
the way I just did.

So I'd rather just...
I'd rather just show the clip

and then maybe
explain it after.

No, no, that was a good
explanation anyway.

I don't think
we need to, uh... well...

we've lost the clip.
You...

Yeah, actually...
do we have the clip?

No. I guess... Artie says
we've misplaced the clip.

How... How do you lose
a clip?
That's not unusual
around here.

We can misplace anything,
so help me.

I'm sorry.

Well, maybe you'll come
back again sometime...

Oh, yeah.
And we'll be able to, uh,

show the clip.
David, uh, Duchovny.

"X-files."
Friday night on Fox.

We'll be right back with,
uh, Jeff Cesario.

Where's the clip?
Where's the clip?

(applause)

Man:
We're clear.

I guess you really...

you could put that
on "X-Files."

What the hell
is going on?

You didn't lose
that fucking clip.
Huh?

Hey, what,
are you serious?
Yeah, well...

You know what
you're accusing me of?

When Letterman bumped me,

at least he had the balls
to do it to my face.

He didn't do this
"ah, lost the clip" bullshit.

Artie:
Oh, it's all...
Why didn't you
just tell me...

oh, dear boy, it's all
my fault, but...

the segment was great.

File that "X"
under "X-cellent."

This...
it was very clever.

You know, when I get back
to my lonely hotel room,

I'd like to see a big fucking
fruit basket waiting for me.

Yes, with kiwi
and mangoes, yes.

You know, I... I'd like
to be on the show, though,

again, if I could.
Larry:
Sure.

Artie:
Any time.
Any time.

Put him on
the Sean Young list.

Six minutes.

Mr. Cesario will try
to make us laugh.

Hank will try
to make us cry.

You're welcome
any time, David.

Oh, thank you.
This way out.

Look, you know,
I really...

I would like
to come back.

Yeah. No, great job.
I'm tired, you know?

I work really hard.
It was good.
It was good.

Good to see ya.
You know, I was...

Careful.
Watch your step.

Mm-hmm.

Man:
Back in five, four,
three, two...

(applause)
Welcome back.

My final guest tonight
is a, uh,

very funny man
who I love to watch.

Uh, I've seen him
many times

because we used to work
the clubs together.

Larry on TV:
He's a good friend...
Motel.

Stupid people.
Wonderful comedian.

Please give a warm welcome
to Jeff Cesario.

Jeff Cesario.
(cheering and applause)

Jeff:
Yeah! Thank you!

What?!

You guys sound great.

Any fans of the, uh,
"Larry Sanders Show" here?

(cheering and applause)

I'm a huge fan myself.
Although, uh...

I will watch any television.
I'll confess.

I'll just watch anything.
I'm sad. It's pathetic.

I will talk myself
into programming.

You've done it.
Don't... don't lie to me.

Three in the morning,
just flipping around

with that remote control.

Just deeh.
Deeh.

Maybe I wanna
cut my own hair

with my own vacuum cleaner.

(laughter)

"Thank you, Larry.
You know, my father,

"Hank Kingsley, Senior,
big Hank...

"passed away this morning
from liver failure.

Liver failure."

(audience laughter)
(laughing)

"Wasn't a famous man."

You're on next,
Hank.
Mm-hmm.

You have 117 seconds,

and you'll bow
respectfully for three.

Okay.
Good luck.

All right, thanks.

(Jeff performing indistinctly,
audience laughter)

You can get anywhere
on television.

Just saw
Michael Jackson's

whole interview
weirdness thing there.

Wow, who would have thought

Latoya was the normal one?
Jeez!

(laughter)

This fucker
is going long.

Doesn't he know
my father died?

Let's go.

(chuckling)
(clearing throat)

They take the cake,
the Menendez brothers, man.

They were...
they were innocent.

They were... they were...

they were walked
out of court innocent.

I don't know one person
who likes these guys.

I think it's 'cause
we all have a little voice

in the back of our heads
that's sayin',

"You know, my dad was
kind of an ass, too,

"but, hey, guys...

we just got him a crappy
Christmas gift, okay?"

(laughter)

How'd you like
to go duck hunting

with the Menendez brothers?

(laughter)

It took 'em 40 shots
to kill their parents

and they were sittin'
on the couch. Come on!

(laughter and applause)

Thank you!

(cheering and applause)

Thank you!

Jeff...

Yeah.
Jeff Cesario.

(applause continues)

Jeff Cesario.
Jeff Cesario.

Well, listen,
uh, we only have...

very funny, and,
uh, just a good friend.

We only have
three minutes left tonight.

And before we go,
I would like to turn it over to,

uh, Hank Kingsley here
who has something,

uh, important
he has to say before we,

uh, end the show
tonight.

Um, thank you...

um, Larry.
Hey now.

Uh... my dad,
Hank Kingsley, Senior,

passed away, um,
this morning from liver failure.

And, uh, I'd just like to talk
about him for just a second.

He wasn't a famous man,
and, um...

well, I will always feel
a tremendous loss.

Uh...

I, uh, I don't even know
what I'm doing.

I'm sorry.
I didn't even...

I really actually
didn't know this man.

So I don't, um...

I don't wanna do this.

So back to you.
I'm sorry.

Well.

Uh... how much time
do we have, uh?

Artie:
Two minutes.

Two minutes.

Two minutes
and 15 seconds.

We have two minutes
and 15 seconds.

Very touching.
I'm sorry about your father,

and, uh...
hang in there.

I know how tough
that can be.

How much time now?
(audience chuckling)

One minute, 45 seconds.
One minute, all right.

You don't feel like
singin' that song

you've always
wanted to sing?

All right.

Why don't we, uh...

take a moment for,
uh, head...

uh, for Hank's,
uh, dead dad?

(laughter)

You wanna just take a...

let's have a moment
of silence

for Hank's, uh, father.

How much time,
there, Artie?

Just about time
to wrap it up?

Artie:
About 45 seconds.

My final guest tonight
is a, uh...

Larry:
Jeff, I'm tellin' ya,
you're gonna love it.

I told you guys
no one would get bumped.

... 'cause we used to work
the clubs together.

He's a good friend.

You know, it felt good to me.
It felt really good.

But, I don't know.
Was it good?

Jesus, Larry, was it good?

You're kidding, now,
aren't you?
No, I'm not.

You know how many times
you've asked me that?

Christ, I hate to do this,
but it's just...
Don't do this.

You're starting to sound like
one of those neurotic comics.

Man on TV:
We interrupt
"The Larry Sanders Show"

to bring you this live coverage
of a breaking story:

Yet another freeway chase
in Los Angeles.

As we begin
our team coverage...

♪ ♪