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1
00:00:09,210 --> 00:00:11,070
I'm going to produce
2
00:00:11,089 --> 00:00:13,139
the People's Choice Awards
this year.
3
00:00:13,160 --> 00:00:14,190
Really?
4
00:00:14,210 --> 00:00:16,230
Yes, it'll be
on our next hiatus week.
5
00:00:16,250 --> 00:00:18,000
Are you okay with that?
6
00:00:18,019 --> 00:00:19,099
Fine.
7
00:00:19,120 --> 00:00:20,180
Congratulations.
8
00:00:20,199 --> 00:00:21,239
Well, you know,
it's quick work.
9
00:00:21,260 --> 00:00:22,290
The money's good.
10
00:00:23,010 --> 00:00:24,140
It's a chance for me
to get back
11
00:00:24,160 --> 00:00:26,060
in the awards show
game again.
12
00:00:26,079 --> 00:00:27,069
Yeah.
13
00:00:27,089 --> 00:00:28,109
But if there's
any problem,
14
00:00:28,129 --> 00:00:30,009
you just call
and I'll join you
15
00:00:30,030 --> 00:00:31,170
on your hiatus in Maui.
16
00:00:31,190 --> 00:00:32,210
No... Oahu.
17
00:00:32,229 --> 00:00:33,219
What happened?
18
00:00:33,240 --> 00:00:35,030
Oahu.
That's where I'm going.
19
00:00:35,049 --> 00:00:36,039
Of course.
20
00:00:36,060 --> 00:00:37,200
Yeah.
You'll have lots of fun.
21
00:00:37,219 --> 00:00:38,999
Yes, I will.
What do you do there?
22
00:00:39,020 --> 00:00:40,060
Huh? I'll tell you
what I do there.
23
00:00:40,079 --> 00:00:41,259
I-- I pay a cabana boy
24
00:00:41,280 --> 00:00:43,130
to wheel me down
to the beach ever day
25
00:00:43,149 --> 00:00:45,109
on stretcher
like a coma patient.
26
00:00:45,130 --> 00:00:47,000
Ha-ha! Is that included
in the package?
27
00:00:47,020 --> 00:00:48,070
(chuckles)
28
00:00:48,090 --> 00:00:50,210
Who's, uh... hosting?
29
00:00:50,229 --> 00:00:52,109
Paul Reiser.
30
00:00:52,130 --> 00:00:55,030
Excellent choice.
31
00:00:55,049 --> 00:00:56,149
Well, did, did,
did my name even come up
32
00:00:56,170 --> 00:00:58,030
for the People's Choice
thing?
33
00:00:58,049 --> 00:00:59,249
It just seems like that's
the kind of thing they'd--
34
00:00:59,270 --> 00:01:01,290
they'd ask me to do,
that's all.
35
00:01:02,009 --> 00:01:04,199
Mmm... tastes
like chicken.
36
00:01:04,219 --> 00:01:05,249
Okay, Hank, we go it.
37
00:01:05,269 --> 00:01:07,009
I think we do,
but, uh,
38
00:01:07,030 --> 00:01:08,050
I just wanna do
one more.
39
00:01:08,069 --> 00:01:09,059
Just for fun.
40
00:01:09,079 --> 00:01:10,149
Oh, come on,
let's wrap this up.
41
00:01:10,170 --> 00:01:12,150
There is a finite amount
of videotape in the world.
42
00:01:12,170 --> 00:01:14,210
Right, I'm gonna throw in
that, uh, that line
43
00:01:14,230 --> 00:01:15,220
I told you about.
Right.
44
00:01:15,239 --> 00:01:17,099
Okay, this is
the last take.
45
00:01:17,120 --> 00:01:18,230
No, I don't want to do it.
46
00:01:18,250 --> 00:01:21,000
It just seems that they would
want me to do it.
47
00:01:21,019 --> 00:01:23,249
Mmm... tastes a little
like coconut.
48
00:01:23,269 --> 00:01:25,289
Larry:
Nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope.
49
00:01:26,010 --> 00:01:27,260
What is that?
The coconut line's
completely wrong.
50
00:01:27,280 --> 00:01:29,010
It's supposed to be
"chicken."
51
00:01:29,030 --> 00:01:30,100
Where did that
come from?
52
00:01:30,120 --> 00:01:32,080
Uh, Hank came up with that.
He's very proud of it.
53
00:01:32,099 --> 00:01:33,999
Well, it, it,
it is not right.
It is not right.
54
00:01:34,020 --> 00:01:35,250
Some shave creams
are coconut-scented,
55
00:01:35,270 --> 00:01:37,030
so it's not funny.
56
00:01:37,049 --> 00:01:38,289
(banging)
57
00:01:40,079 --> 00:01:41,259
(sighs)
58
00:01:41,280 --> 00:01:43,290
And we have 22 takes
with him saying "chicken,"
59
00:01:44,009 --> 00:01:45,119
one of which we'll use.
60
00:01:45,140 --> 00:01:46,240
I just wanted to let him
do it that way
61
00:01:46,259 --> 00:01:47,269
so his feelings
wouldn't be hurt.
62
00:01:47,289 --> 00:01:50,019
Well, is he all right?
63
00:01:50,039 --> 00:01:51,049
(banging)
64
00:01:51,069 --> 00:01:53,179
Oy... I'll go talk to him.
65
00:01:53,200 --> 00:01:55,120
You go ta-- we'll--
the coconut thing is out.
66
00:01:55,140 --> 00:01:56,220
Of course.
67
00:01:56,240 --> 00:01:57,270
You go talk to him.
68
00:01:57,289 --> 00:01:59,019
Okay, yes.
69
00:01:59,039 --> 00:02:00,129
I'll go-- should I
go talk to him, Artie?
70
00:02:00,150 --> 00:02:01,230
I wouldn't talk to him, no.
71
00:02:01,250 --> 00:02:02,260
Well, then,
you go talk to him.
72
00:02:02,280 --> 00:02:04,240
Will you go talk to him?
73
00:02:04,260 --> 00:02:05,280
Yeah.
Good.
74
00:02:08,129 --> 00:02:10,049
Is Sally Kirkland available?
75
00:02:10,069 --> 00:02:11,149
How could she
not be available?
76
00:02:11,169 --> 00:02:12,179
She's in town.
77
00:02:12,199 --> 00:02:13,229
I don't think
Sally Kirkland's
78
00:02:13,250 --> 00:02:14,260
right for our show, Artie.
79
00:02:14,280 --> 00:02:16,100
Oh, this is
for People's Choice.
80
00:02:16,120 --> 00:02:17,260
Oh, I don't think she's
right for that either.
81
00:02:17,280 --> 00:02:18,290
Well, how would you know?
82
00:02:19,009 --> 00:02:21,019
She's a darling girl.
I gave her her first orgasm.
83
00:02:21,039 --> 00:02:22,209
Oh, well, then she's perfect.
84
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,179
Send her roses, long-stemmed,
and a limo.
85
00:02:24,199 --> 00:02:25,269
She'll do it.
86
00:02:25,289 --> 00:02:27,119
Hey, I got Elvis Costello
for tomorrow night.
87
00:02:27,139 --> 00:02:28,159
Oh, great,
Elvis... Costello.
88
00:02:28,180 --> 00:02:30,160
I'm a big fan.
That is great.
89
00:02:30,180 --> 00:02:31,270
Yeah.
Maybe he'll do "Pump It Up."
90
00:02:31,289 --> 00:02:33,059
That's my favorite song.
91
00:02:33,079 --> 00:02:35,069
You know, I think he'd rather do
something off the new album.
92
00:02:35,090 --> 00:02:37,030
Oh, well, just ask him.
93
00:02:37,050 --> 00:02:38,190
I will, but, you know,
I'd rather not.
94
00:02:38,210 --> 00:02:39,200
He's kinda temperamental.
95
00:02:39,219 --> 00:02:40,259
Well, maybe I should ask him.
96
00:02:40,280 --> 00:02:42,080
You could,
but I'd rather you didn't.
97
00:02:42,099 --> 00:02:43,109
'Cause remember what happened
98
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:44,199
last time you talked
to Michael Bolton?
99
00:02:44,219 --> 00:02:45,289
Oh, come on, so I thought
100
00:02:46,009 --> 00:02:47,099
I'd heard that song
somewhere before.
101
00:02:47,120 --> 00:02:48,130
I had to bring it up.
102
00:02:49,129 --> 00:02:51,059
Hey.
What's this?
103
00:02:51,079 --> 00:02:53,129
I heard we got Elvis.
I want to get this
autographed.
104
00:02:53,150 --> 00:02:55,130
No, no.
No, he's too temperamental.
105
00:02:55,150 --> 00:02:56,150
What-- is that the tape?
106
00:02:56,170 --> 00:02:57,190
Yeah, I put it together.
Good.
107
00:02:57,210 --> 00:02:59,130
Speaking of temperamental,
how's Hank doing? Is he--
108
00:02:59,150 --> 00:03:00,180
I have no idea.
109
00:03:00,199 --> 00:03:02,059
Should I go?
Hmm?
110
00:03:02,080 --> 00:03:04,060
You're welcome
to stay.
111
00:03:04,080 --> 00:03:06,200
Next time that this happens
with the coconut--
112
00:03:06,219 --> 00:03:08,009
a thing
like that coconut line--
113
00:03:08,030 --> 00:03:09,110
would you warn me
that that's...
114
00:03:09,129 --> 00:03:10,149
I tried.
...his line?
115
00:03:10,169 --> 00:03:11,159
I feel horrible about this.
116
00:03:11,180 --> 00:03:12,260
I know.
117
00:03:15,139 --> 00:03:18,019
Mmm... tastes
a little like chicken.
118
00:03:18,039 --> 00:03:20,039
Right?
Right, right.
119
00:03:20,060 --> 00:03:23,290
And just so we say we saw it,
here's, uh, Hank's version.
120
00:03:25,069 --> 00:03:28,079
Mmm... tastes
a little like coconut.
121
00:03:28,099 --> 00:03:29,169
No, no, no, no.
122
00:03:29,189 --> 00:03:31,019
No.
123
00:03:31,039 --> 00:03:33,019
You know, you,
you let him go like that.
124
00:03:33,039 --> 00:03:34,029
I know.
125
00:03:34,050 --> 00:03:35,080
Shh... keep it down,
126
00:03:35,099 --> 00:03:36,169
because he could be
lurking out there.
127
00:03:36,189 --> 00:03:37,189
He does that?
128
00:03:47,039 --> 00:03:48,279
21st Annual
People's Choice Awards
129
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:51,040
will return
right after this.
130
00:03:51,060 --> 00:03:53,100
Hank, we've already got
the announcer for the show.
131
00:03:53,120 --> 00:03:54,210
Oh, no... who?
132
00:03:54,229 --> 00:03:56,289
It's the same announcer
who always does it.
133
00:03:57,009 --> 00:03:59,289
Al "Harelip" Hartman?
134
00:04:00,009 --> 00:04:01,089
No. No.
135
00:04:01,110 --> 00:04:04,130
This guy, he has no verve,
no personality.
136
00:04:04,150 --> 00:04:06,050
He's a-- he's a robot.
Exactly.
137
00:04:06,069 --> 00:04:07,059
And he drinks.
138
00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,290
So do I,
that's why I like him.
139
00:04:09,009 --> 00:04:10,289
Come on.
140
00:04:11,009 --> 00:04:12,159
Excuse me.
141
00:04:12,180 --> 00:04:15,000
(clears throat)
142
00:04:15,020 --> 00:04:16,180
You didn't, uh, talk to him
143
00:04:16,199 --> 00:04:17,249
about the commercial parody,
did you?
144
00:04:17,269 --> 00:04:19,079
No, but I'll tell you why.
145
00:04:19,100 --> 00:04:20,160
He has a hair up his ass
146
00:04:20,180 --> 00:04:22,110
because I won't hire him
as the announcer
147
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,289
for the People's Choice.
148
00:04:24,009 --> 00:04:25,239
He's got that coconut line
up his ass.
149
00:04:25,259 --> 00:04:27,229
How many things can he have
up his ass at once?
150
00:04:27,250 --> 00:04:29,080
(laughter)
No-- we have a great show.
151
00:04:29,100 --> 00:04:30,110
We'll be right back.
152
00:04:30,129 --> 00:04:31,129
We have Kelsey Grammer.
153
00:04:31,149 --> 00:04:33,249
We have, uh--
we have John Goodman
154
00:04:33,269 --> 00:04:36,079
and, of course, we have
a visit from Uncle Helen.
155
00:04:36,100 --> 00:04:38,140
No flipping.
We'll be right back.
156
00:04:38,159 --> 00:04:39,239
(cheering and applause)
Man:
We're clear.
157
00:04:39,259 --> 00:04:42,049
Oh, Lord, you folks came
on a very rare night
158
00:04:42,069 --> 00:04:44,149
where you get to see me fuck up
three jokes in a row.
159
00:04:44,170 --> 00:04:45,190
(laughter)
160
00:04:45,209 --> 00:04:47,069
Don't take it for granted.
161
00:04:47,090 --> 00:04:49,020
You're such a good crowd,
give yourselves a hand.
162
00:04:49,040 --> 00:04:50,070
You're still a great crowd.
163
00:04:50,090 --> 00:04:51,160
(applause)
164
00:04:51,180 --> 00:04:53,200
Thanks for coming,
thanks for coming.
165
00:04:53,220 --> 00:04:55,210
I won't fuck up
the rest of the night.
166
00:04:55,230 --> 00:04:57,260
(music playing)
167
00:04:57,279 --> 00:04:59,199
What a shit crowd.
168
00:04:59,220 --> 00:05:01,020
What a shit, shit crowd.
169
00:05:01,040 --> 00:05:03,000
What are they doing?
Bringing these busloads in
170
00:05:03,019 --> 00:05:06,159
from the English
as a Second Language
program again?
171
00:05:06,180 --> 00:05:10,110
I'm only smiling because
the audience is looking at me
172
00:05:10,129 --> 00:05:12,159
and I'm a professional.
173
00:05:12,180 --> 00:05:13,290
(music continues)
174
00:05:14,009 --> 00:05:15,259
Nice talkin' to ya.
175
00:05:15,279 --> 00:05:17,009
It's a great crowd
tonight, huh?
176
00:05:17,029 --> 00:05:18,069
Yeah, no,
it's a shit crowd.
177
00:05:18,089 --> 00:05:20,169
Could you get, uh,
Phil for me?
Okay.
178
00:05:20,189 --> 00:05:21,259
Shit crowd.
179
00:05:24,269 --> 00:05:27,079
Uh... Artie, you gotta
talk to Hank for me, okay?
180
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:28,170
He's still got his--
(slams down phone)
181
00:05:28,189 --> 00:05:29,999
What is-- what is it?
What is that?
182
00:05:30,019 --> 00:05:31,999
Paul Reiser
just dropped out as host
183
00:05:32,019 --> 00:05:34,019
for the People's Choice
Awards.
Thank God.
184
00:05:34,040 --> 00:05:36,070
I thought it was something
that might have to do
with this show,
185
00:05:36,090 --> 00:05:37,090
the show
we're taping right now.
186
00:05:37,110 --> 00:05:39,190
I'm sorry, sir, that should
never have happened.
187
00:05:39,209 --> 00:05:41,079
That's okay.
Hey.
188
00:05:41,100 --> 00:05:43,150
Hey, I put in the shorter
chicken deodorant take.
189
00:05:43,170 --> 00:05:45,270
Oh, well, listen,
I changed my mind...
190
00:05:45,290 --> 00:05:49,110
and I wanna put in Hank's
coconut line in that, all right?
191
00:05:49,129 --> 00:05:50,249
But this airs in 20 minutes.
192
00:05:50,269 --> 00:05:51,269
Well, we--
Ah... the thrill
193
00:05:51,290 --> 00:05:54,010
of live-to-tape
television.
194
00:05:54,029 --> 00:05:55,129
Andale, Felipe!
Vámonos, vámonos!
195
00:05:55,149 --> 00:05:56,189
You can handle it.
196
00:05:56,209 --> 00:05:59,209
Who were you thinking
of, uh, replacing Reiser with?
197
00:05:59,230 --> 00:06:03,210
Uh, Larry, the network
has asked me
198
00:06:03,230 --> 00:06:05,240
to pull in a favor,
you know,
199
00:06:05,259 --> 00:06:07,139
and so I-- I don't want
to do this,
200
00:06:07,160 --> 00:06:10,090
but, uh, Larry, will you--
will you be the host
201
00:06:10,110 --> 00:06:11,240
on the People's Choice
Awards?
202
00:06:11,259 --> 00:06:13,049
No. Artie, no.
As a favor to me?
203
00:06:13,069 --> 00:06:14,259
It's just
those endless rehearsals,
204
00:06:14,279 --> 00:06:16,019
and I hate doing that stuff.
205
00:06:16,040 --> 00:06:17,100
It's a no-win situation.
206
00:06:17,120 --> 00:06:19,080
The audience is there
not to see you.
207
00:06:19,100 --> 00:06:21,090
They're all nervous
about who's gonna win.
208
00:06:21,110 --> 00:06:22,130
Yeah.
209
00:06:22,149 --> 00:06:23,269
And there's
those big dance numbers
210
00:06:23,290 --> 00:06:25,100
that I don't want to do.
211
00:06:25,120 --> 00:06:26,250
Okay, I just had to ask,
I'm sorry.
212
00:06:26,269 --> 00:06:28,019
Well, I appreciate it.
213
00:06:29,019 --> 00:06:30,039
All right, hold on, you...
214
00:06:30,060 --> 00:06:31,160
Call me back.
215
00:06:31,180 --> 00:06:32,270
Can you promise me
I wouldn't have to do
216
00:06:32,290 --> 00:06:35,090
one of those dance numbers?
217
00:06:35,110 --> 00:06:37,140
You'll only have to strip
at the end of the show.
218
00:06:37,159 --> 00:06:39,009
How about it?
219
00:06:39,029 --> 00:06:40,119
That's the favor to you,
isn't it?
220
00:06:40,139 --> 00:06:41,179
(both laughing)
221
00:06:41,199 --> 00:06:42,239
Hey, buddy,
God bless ya.
222
00:06:42,259 --> 00:06:43,289
Okay, sure, all right.
223
00:06:44,009 --> 00:06:45,249
All right, listen--
we got 20 seconds.
224
00:06:45,269 --> 00:06:47,169
You want to go over
the list of the presenters?
225
00:06:47,189 --> 00:06:48,289
No, let's get
back to this show.
226
00:06:49,009 --> 00:06:50,199
Okay.
227
00:06:50,220 --> 00:06:52,210
(laughter)
228
00:06:52,230 --> 00:06:56,010
Mmm... tastes a little
like coconut.
229
00:06:56,029 --> 00:06:57,189
(laughter)
230
00:06:57,209 --> 00:06:59,169
Larry on tape:
Larry Sander's toiletries
for the hungry man.
231
00:06:59,189 --> 00:07:00,219
(quietly)
Thank you.
232
00:07:00,240 --> 00:07:02,050
This is my new
milk chocolate deodorant.
233
00:07:02,069 --> 00:07:04,049
The quick-drying roll-on
with the creamy...
234
00:07:04,069 --> 00:07:05,179
I'm losing you.
235
00:07:05,199 --> 00:07:06,209
I-- I'm losing you.
236
00:07:06,230 --> 00:07:08,150
I've lost you.
237
00:07:08,170 --> 00:07:09,200
Girlfriend?
238
00:07:09,220 --> 00:07:11,020
Car phone.
239
00:07:11,040 --> 00:07:13,200
Did you tell Artie you'd do
the People's Choice Awards?
240
00:07:13,220 --> 00:07:15,130
Boy, news gets around fast,
doesn't it?
241
00:07:15,149 --> 00:07:17,069
You know, Larry,
this is a partnership.
242
00:07:17,089 --> 00:07:19,049
You don't say yes,
we say yes.
243
00:07:19,069 --> 00:07:20,059
Oh, come on, Stevie.
244
00:07:20,079 --> 00:07:21,159
You know what,
I thought it might be fun
245
00:07:21,180 --> 00:07:23,030
to host one of these things
and, besides,
246
00:07:23,050 --> 00:07:25,130
I'm doing Artie
a little favor, that's all.
You mean co-host.
247
00:07:25,149 --> 00:07:26,229
Huh?
Co-host.
248
00:07:26,250 --> 00:07:27,240
You're co-hosting
249
00:07:27,259 --> 00:07:29,099
with Rita Moreno
and Dean Cain.
250
00:07:29,120 --> 00:07:31,060
No. Artie did not
mention that to me.
251
00:07:31,079 --> 00:07:32,279
Who's Dean Cain?
Superman.
252
00:07:33,000 --> 00:07:34,270
You're co-hosting
with fucking Superman.
253
00:07:34,290 --> 00:07:35,290
You're kidding.
254
00:07:36,009 --> 00:07:38,069
Arthur's fucking you,
Larry.
255
00:07:38,090 --> 00:07:40,080
You know?
You're co-hosting.
256
00:07:40,100 --> 00:07:42,200
I'm this close to getting you
the Oscars next year.
257
00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:43,290
You already have
a show of your own
258
00:07:44,009 --> 00:07:45,179
and you choose to co-host?
259
00:07:45,199 --> 00:07:48,249
Look, I thought I was
doing Artie a little favor.
260
00:07:48,269 --> 00:07:50,019
Well, you shouldn't think,
you know?
261
00:07:50,040 --> 00:07:51,270
Because you pay me to think.
262
00:07:51,290 --> 00:07:54,110
This is a terrible
business decision.
263
00:07:54,129 --> 00:07:55,209
Co-hosting detracts
264
00:07:55,230 --> 00:07:57,100
from your
essential specialness
265
00:07:57,120 --> 00:07:58,180
in the marketplace.
All right.
266
00:07:58,199 --> 00:08:00,209
I mean, who are you,
Kathie Lee all of a sudden?
267
00:08:00,230 --> 00:08:01,220
You understand?
268
00:08:01,240 --> 00:08:02,290
Yes, I got it, Stevie.
269
00:08:03,009 --> 00:08:04,149
Okay, then repeat after me.
270
00:08:04,170 --> 00:08:08,000
Co-hosting detracts from--
come on, come on-- co-host--
271
00:08:08,019 --> 00:08:09,059
Look at me.
Come on.
272
00:08:09,079 --> 00:08:10,239
Co-hosting detracts from...
Co-hosting detracts
273
00:08:10,259 --> 00:08:12,179
from my
essential specialness--
274
00:08:12,199 --> 00:08:14,089
...specialness...
--in the marketplace.
275
00:08:14,110 --> 00:08:15,170
Okay.
Is that all?
276
00:08:15,189 --> 00:08:16,209
Is that all it detracts from?
277
00:08:16,230 --> 00:08:18,200
Is that all I have to repeat?
278
00:08:20,060 --> 00:08:22,060
Colleen?
Darlene on intercom:
Yeah?
279
00:08:22,079 --> 00:08:24,209
What's, uh,
Superman's name?
Clark Kent.
280
00:08:24,230 --> 00:08:26,110
No, no, no.
The actor.
281
00:08:26,129 --> 00:08:27,259
Christopher Reeve.
282
00:08:27,279 --> 00:08:29,109
The, uh-- the new one.
283
00:08:29,129 --> 00:08:30,159
Dean Cain?
284
00:08:30,180 --> 00:08:31,170
Right, right.
285
00:08:31,189 --> 00:08:32,209
Now, where does he work?
286
00:08:32,230 --> 00:08:34,210
At the "Daily Planet"
newspaper in Metropolis.
287
00:08:34,230 --> 00:08:36,140
Hey. Hey!
288
00:08:36,159 --> 00:08:37,999
I know, I know,
I'm just teasing.
289
00:08:38,019 --> 00:08:39,129
They're
on the Warner Brothers lot.
290
00:08:39,149 --> 00:08:41,099
Fine. Could you get him
for me, please?
291
00:08:41,120 --> 00:08:42,170
Sure.
292
00:08:43,289 --> 00:08:45,179
(beep)
293
00:08:46,250 --> 00:08:48,070
Dean Cain?
294
00:08:48,090 --> 00:08:49,200
Hank Kingsley.
295
00:08:49,220 --> 00:08:51,010
Listen, I just wanted
to call you,
296
00:08:51,029 --> 00:08:53,039
congratulate you
on the People's Choice gig.
297
00:08:53,059 --> 00:08:57,269
It's a-- another, uh...
pleat in your cape.
298
00:08:57,289 --> 00:09:00,219
And-- here it is, uh,
bottom line,
299
00:09:00,240 --> 00:09:04,000
Al "Harelip" Hartman,
you don't want this guy.
300
00:09:04,019 --> 00:09:06,109
You can't understand...
this guy.
301
00:09:06,129 --> 00:09:07,159
You don't
want to be introduced
302
00:09:07,179 --> 00:09:10,169
as "Thuperman," do you?
303
00:09:10,190 --> 00:09:12,130
Whereas I, your biggest fan,
304
00:09:12,149 --> 00:09:15,259
will be able to announce you
as "Superman."
305
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,040
Or... Dean Cain, sure.
306
00:09:19,059 --> 00:09:20,189
Whatever you pre...
307
00:09:20,210 --> 00:09:21,210
Hello?
308
00:09:23,159 --> 00:09:25,039
Why didn't you tell me
that I was co-hosting?
309
00:09:25,059 --> 00:09:26,069
You're not.
You're the host.
310
00:09:26,090 --> 00:09:27,150
No, no, no, no.
311
00:09:27,169 --> 00:09:29,119
Then what are-- what are,
what are Rita and Superman?
312
00:09:29,139 --> 00:09:30,249
Just backups
in case I get a paper cut
313
00:09:30,269 --> 00:09:32,139
opening one
of those envelopes?
314
00:09:32,159 --> 00:09:33,149
(laughing)
315
00:09:33,169 --> 00:09:34,159
That's very funny.
316
00:09:34,179 --> 00:09:36,029
Yeah.
Larry, you're the host.
317
00:09:36,049 --> 00:09:37,089
Yeah?
318
00:09:37,110 --> 00:09:39,090
Rita and the Man of Steel
are the co-hosts.
319
00:09:39,110 --> 00:09:40,210
Uh-huh.
That makes no sense.
320
00:09:40,230 --> 00:09:42,030
Of course it doesn't,
sweetheart.
321
00:09:42,049 --> 00:09:43,149
It's the network.
322
00:09:43,169 --> 00:09:44,199
But don't worry about it.
323
00:09:44,220 --> 00:09:46,150
I'm going to make sure
that your head
324
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,149
is at least
50% larger than theirs
325
00:09:48,169 --> 00:09:49,249
on the cover of TV Guide.
326
00:09:49,269 --> 00:09:51,249
That is not the point.
327
00:09:51,269 --> 00:09:53,149
That is not the point.
No?
328
00:09:53,169 --> 00:09:54,199
You wanted
to see me?
329
00:09:54,220 --> 00:09:55,240
Huh? About what?
330
00:09:55,259 --> 00:09:57,009
I don't know.
331
00:09:57,029 --> 00:09:58,999
Oh-- oh, oh, oh, yeah.
Will you take out
Hank's coconut line
332
00:09:59,019 --> 00:10:00,109
from the pre-tape
before it airs tonight?
333
00:10:00,129 --> 00:10:02,269
What? The show's gonna go
on satellite in 15 minutes.
334
00:10:02,289 --> 00:10:04,149
We don't have time
to re-cut it.
335
00:10:04,169 --> 00:10:06,169
If you can write a monologue
for this man in 15 minutes,
336
00:10:06,190 --> 00:10:08,060
you can make this change.
337
00:10:08,080 --> 00:10:10,030
Right. What?
Nothing.
338
00:10:10,049 --> 00:10:12,039
Well, just take out
the audio then, okay?
339
00:10:12,059 --> 00:10:13,279
'Cause I don't want to hear
the word "coconut."
340
00:10:14,000 --> 00:10:15,090
I wanna hear
the word "chicken."
341
00:10:15,110 --> 00:10:17,110
'Cause it's funny, right?
342
00:10:17,129 --> 00:10:19,129
You alw--
trust your instincts, kiddo.
343
00:10:19,149 --> 00:10:22,109
Always trust Larry's instincts.
Always.
344
00:10:23,220 --> 00:10:25,270
One person is a host.
345
00:10:25,289 --> 00:10:28,099
Two or more are co-hosts.
346
00:10:28,120 --> 00:10:30,240
My agent is tearing himself
a new asshole.
347
00:10:30,259 --> 00:10:33,139
The network
wants the co-host.
348
00:10:33,159 --> 00:10:35,029
They think this is
a good mix, Larry.
349
00:10:35,049 --> 00:10:36,269
Superman to bring in
the young'uns.
Uh-huh.
350
00:10:36,289 --> 00:10:39,149
Rita to bring in the urbanites
and the hairdressers
351
00:10:39,169 --> 00:10:40,219
and you to bring in the rest.
352
00:10:40,240 --> 00:10:42,290
Just plain folks
who like to laugh.
353
00:10:43,009 --> 00:10:44,049
When you say
"hairdressers..."
354
00:10:44,070 --> 00:10:46,030
I mean actual hairdressers.
355
00:10:46,049 --> 00:10:47,249
Our research department
is giving us
356
00:10:47,269 --> 00:10:50,179
incredibly specific stuff
these days.
Uh-huh.
357
00:10:50,200 --> 00:10:52,120
I'm sorry
about the confusion, Larry,
358
00:10:52,139 --> 00:10:53,219
but you know the network.
359
00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:54,230
Yeah. Yeah, they are
360
00:10:54,250 --> 00:10:56,010
a bunch of dickheads,
aren't they?
361
00:10:56,029 --> 00:10:57,109
Right.
Oh.
362
00:10:57,129 --> 00:10:59,049
Melanie!
Melanie, hi.
363
00:10:59,070 --> 00:11:00,210
You know, Artie and I
were just saying, uh,
364
00:11:00,230 --> 00:11:02,060
what a nice bunch
of network heads
365
00:11:02,080 --> 00:11:03,070
we have working here.
366
00:11:03,090 --> 00:11:04,080
(Artie laughs)
367
00:11:04,100 --> 00:11:06,230
Ta-ta!
368
00:11:06,250 --> 00:11:08,070
Oh, I Liked
the show tonight, Larry.
369
00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:09,160
Oh, did you see
the commercial parody?
370
00:11:09,179 --> 00:11:10,239
I loved that.
371
00:11:10,259 --> 00:11:13,159
But Hank saying "coconut,"
that was a little confusing.
372
00:11:13,179 --> 00:11:15,119
Yeah.
I mean, aren't there
shaving creams
373
00:11:15,139 --> 00:11:16,169
that are coconut-scented?
374
00:11:16,190 --> 00:11:18,100
Right, I couldn't agree
with you more on this one,
375
00:11:18,120 --> 00:11:19,220
which frightens me,
quite frankly.
376
00:11:19,240 --> 00:11:20,260
He was supposed to say
"chicken."
377
00:11:20,279 --> 00:11:22,059
Chicken?
Yeah.
378
00:11:22,080 --> 00:11:24,190
Well, that doesn't seem
that funny either.
379
00:11:24,210 --> 00:11:25,290
No, "chicken" is funny
380
00:11:26,009 --> 00:11:28,049
in... the context of a smell
that goes on your face.
381
00:11:28,070 --> 00:11:29,060
Tr-trust me.
382
00:11:29,080 --> 00:11:31,020
Um, by the way,
I'm glad to see
383
00:11:31,039 --> 00:11:33,049
you're coming aboard
the People's Choice
special.
384
00:11:33,070 --> 00:11:35,190
Yeah.
Yeah, me too.
385
00:11:35,210 --> 00:11:37,270
I... figure in lieu
of being nominated...
386
00:11:39,029 --> 00:11:40,109
Well, I'll tell you
this much.
387
00:11:40,129 --> 00:11:42,229
If I were producing it,
I'd have one host: you.
388
00:11:42,250 --> 00:11:45,040
That's nice of you to say.
I think it'd be
much cleaner that way.
389
00:11:45,059 --> 00:11:46,099
Well, I understand the idea
390
00:11:46,120 --> 00:11:48,040
that you have to have Superman
there to get the kids
391
00:11:48,059 --> 00:11:50,159
and Rita Moreno to...
balance it out and so forth.
392
00:11:50,179 --> 00:11:52,009
Well, that's
what Arthur thinks,
393
00:11:52,029 --> 00:11:53,089
and we disagree with him.
394
00:11:53,110 --> 00:11:55,070
But, as producer,
he has final say.
395
00:11:55,090 --> 00:11:56,180
Artie had final say?
396
00:11:56,200 --> 00:11:57,250
Yeah.
397
00:11:57,269 --> 00:11:58,269
Have a good one.
398
00:11:58,289 --> 00:12:00,049
You too.
399
00:12:03,049 --> 00:12:04,089
So what?
You happened to say
400
00:12:04,110 --> 00:12:05,230
that it was the network's
idea, as I recall.
401
00:12:05,250 --> 00:12:06,240
I do that all the time.
402
00:12:06,259 --> 00:12:08,159
Don't make a big deal
out of it.
403
00:12:08,179 --> 00:12:10,129
Oh, so what you're saying is,
is you knew all along
404
00:12:10,149 --> 00:12:12,169
that it was the, uh,
co-hosting thing, right?
405
00:12:12,190 --> 00:12:14,010
You wanted to do this job,
didn't you?
406
00:12:14,029 --> 00:12:15,069
Oh, no, I never said that.
407
00:12:15,090 --> 00:12:16,130
Well, your agent did.
No.
408
00:12:16,149 --> 00:12:17,239
He called me up,
he asked for it.
409
00:12:17,259 --> 00:12:19,069
Well, you said
it was a favor.
410
00:12:19,090 --> 00:12:20,200
Darling--
I never told him to call you.
411
00:12:20,220 --> 00:12:22,030
An hour--
Never told him
to call you.
412
00:12:22,049 --> 00:12:26,069
Sweetheart, not an hour after I
told you that I was doing this,
413
00:12:26,090 --> 00:12:28,270
Stevie called me up
and he was crying to me,
414
00:12:28,289 --> 00:12:31,019
"Why haven't you
given Larry this job?
415
00:12:31,039 --> 00:12:32,089
Why didn't you ask him
to host?"
416
00:12:32,110 --> 00:12:34,090
Wee-wee-wee-wee-wee!
417
00:12:34,110 --> 00:12:35,260
I didn't tell him
to call you
418
00:12:35,279 --> 00:12:38,039
and that doesn't mean
I wanted to do it, okay?
419
00:12:38,059 --> 00:12:40,209
I'm surprised you had the time
to take the call anyway.
420
00:12:40,230 --> 00:12:42,110
I've got plenty of time
to cover it all.
421
00:12:42,129 --> 00:12:44,099
Oh, yeah, you could produce
four more shows simultaneously.
422
00:12:44,120 --> 00:12:45,110
Fuckin' A.
423
00:12:45,129 --> 00:12:46,219
You should call
the Conan O'Brien people,
424
00:12:46,240 --> 00:12:48,200
see if they need a producer
for the farewell special.
425
00:12:48,220 --> 00:12:50,010
Good idea,
so give me a call,
426
00:12:50,029 --> 00:12:51,249
and I'll let you
host that one, too.
427
00:12:51,269 --> 00:12:53,239
Oh, good, good, good.
428
00:12:53,259 --> 00:12:56,039
No wonder you been married
so many times.
429
00:12:58,039 --> 00:12:59,139
What are you on now?
430
00:13:01,200 --> 00:13:03,110
You know what?
I'm not doing
431
00:13:03,129 --> 00:13:04,269
your little People's Choice
Awards show, okay?
432
00:13:04,289 --> 00:13:05,289
I'm out!
433
00:13:07,220 --> 00:13:10,290
(laughter on television)
434
00:13:14,070 --> 00:13:17,080
Mmm... tastes a little
like-- chicken.
435
00:13:17,100 --> 00:13:18,150
That, that is right.
436
00:13:18,169 --> 00:13:20,119
Larry:
Larry Sanders toiletries
for the hungry man.
437
00:13:20,139 --> 00:13:22,189
Did you or did you not
have anything to do
438
00:13:22,210 --> 00:13:26,070
with that hatchet job
on that commercial parody?
439
00:13:26,090 --> 00:13:28,290
And I want-- come on--
the truth, Phil.
440
00:13:30,279 --> 00:13:32,189
I-- I did not
initiate the change,
441
00:13:32,210 --> 00:13:34,090
but I was implicated
in the course of events
442
00:13:34,110 --> 00:13:35,100
that led to the alter--
443
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:36,190
Please, please, please.
444
00:13:36,210 --> 00:13:38,150
Save your Ivy League doubletalk
445
00:13:38,169 --> 00:13:42,169
for your chums down at the
Parliamentary Debating Society.
446
00:13:42,190 --> 00:13:44,160
(sighs)
447
00:13:44,179 --> 00:13:45,269
Larry told me to do it.
448
00:13:45,289 --> 00:13:47,089
And you just automatically do
449
00:13:47,110 --> 00:13:49,040
whatever the hell
Larry tells you to do?
450
00:13:49,059 --> 00:13:50,169
Yes, don't you?
451
00:13:50,190 --> 00:13:51,190
Yes!
452
00:13:51,210 --> 00:13:54,040
Now, get the hell
out of my office.
453
00:13:55,190 --> 00:13:57,160
Hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
454
00:13:57,179 --> 00:13:58,169
What's in the bag?
455
00:13:58,190 --> 00:13:59,180
What?
456
00:13:59,200 --> 00:14:00,190
What's in the bag?
457
00:14:00,210 --> 00:14:01,280
Nothing.
458
00:14:02,000 --> 00:14:03,030
Okay.
459
00:14:03,049 --> 00:14:04,199
It's Elvis Costello.
"Spike."
460
00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:06,110
When do you think
we can get him to sign it?
461
00:14:06,129 --> 00:14:07,159
We can't. What--
462
00:14:07,179 --> 00:14:09,119
what have I been saying
about bugging him?
463
00:14:09,139 --> 00:14:10,129
I know, I heard you,
464
00:14:10,149 --> 00:14:12,049
but that's
for everybody else, right?
465
00:14:12,070 --> 00:14:14,060
What do you think?
Before or after the show?
466
00:14:14,080 --> 00:14:15,180
Why is everybody acting
467
00:14:15,200 --> 00:14:17,180
like a bunch of four-year-olds
at a fucking Barney show?
468
00:14:17,200 --> 00:14:20,170
Gee-- what crawled
up your butt and died?
469
00:14:20,190 --> 00:14:23,060
Gee.
470
00:14:23,080 --> 00:14:24,110
Uh, excuse me.
471
00:14:24,129 --> 00:14:29,129
Uh... uh, can somebody,
uh, uh, can...
472
00:14:29,149 --> 00:14:30,139
Uh, hello?
473
00:14:30,159 --> 00:14:32,099
Elvis, hi!
I'm Paula.
474
00:14:32,120 --> 00:14:33,270
How are ya?
Is everything okay?
475
00:14:33,289 --> 00:14:35,019
Can we do anything for ya?
476
00:14:35,039 --> 00:14:36,169
Uh, everything's fine,
I think.
477
00:14:36,190 --> 00:14:38,270
You know, Larry is so excited
to have you on the show.
478
00:14:38,289 --> 00:14:40,069
He's a big fan.
479
00:14:40,090 --> 00:14:41,230
Oh, speak of the devil,
here he is.
480
00:14:41,250 --> 00:14:44,000
Larry, this is Elvis.
Yeah, Elvis, I heard you
coming down the hall.
481
00:14:44,019 --> 00:14:45,129
Hi.
Hi.
Gee, I'm a big fan.
482
00:14:45,149 --> 00:14:46,269
Listen, you know
the song "Alison"?
483
00:14:46,289 --> 00:14:49,199
I was just wondering about
this-- is that-- is that--
484
00:14:49,220 --> 00:14:50,210
Excuse me.
485
00:14:50,230 --> 00:14:51,280
Let's talk about that
on the air.
486
00:14:52,000 --> 00:14:53,130
Artie, you know
Elvis Costello.
487
00:14:53,149 --> 00:14:54,189
Oh, yes, dear boy.
488
00:14:54,210 --> 00:14:56,050
What an honor
to have you aboard.
489
00:14:56,070 --> 00:14:57,160
You know,
I've always wanted to ask you
490
00:14:57,179 --> 00:14:59,019
about your song "Alison."
491
00:14:59,039 --> 00:15:01,189
Is that about a specific person,
or a pet?
492
00:15:01,210 --> 00:15:03,100
Uh, uh...
(Hank)
Artie?
493
00:15:03,120 --> 00:15:05,000
I need to talk to you.
494
00:15:05,019 --> 00:15:06,029
Hank,
this is Elvis.
495
00:15:06,049 --> 00:15:08,029
I don't think so.
496
00:15:11,220 --> 00:15:12,230
We are back.
497
00:15:12,250 --> 00:15:15,010
I'm very excited
about, uh, my next guest.
498
00:15:15,029 --> 00:15:17,159
This is his latest album,
"Brutal Youth."
499
00:15:17,179 --> 00:15:18,209
I'm a huge fan.
500
00:15:18,230 --> 00:15:19,250
Please give a warm welcome
501
00:15:19,269 --> 00:15:22,119
to Elvis Costello
and The Attractions.
502
00:15:22,139 --> 00:15:25,169
(cheering and applause,
music playing)
503
00:15:29,049 --> 00:15:32,029
♪ When nobody knows,
she puts on secret clothes ♪
504
00:15:32,049 --> 00:15:33,159
♪ And lies in the meadow ♪
505
00:15:33,179 --> 00:15:35,289
♪ With her hands tied
behind her back ♪
506
00:15:36,009 --> 00:15:39,079
♪ I won't refuse
if you know how to use it ♪
507
00:15:39,100 --> 00:15:42,180
♪ Just stop playing
that ugly drug music ♪
508
00:15:42,200 --> 00:15:45,290
♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪
509
00:15:46,009 --> 00:15:49,109
♪ Thirteen steps
lead down ♪
510
00:15:49,129 --> 00:15:50,239
♪ There's
commoners and kings ♪
511
00:15:50,259 --> 00:15:52,139
♪ And everyone's a prisoner ♪
512
00:15:52,159 --> 00:15:53,239
♪ Of paper and glue ♪
513
00:15:53,259 --> 00:15:56,049
♪ And a decent pair
of scissors... ♪
514
00:15:56,070 --> 00:15:57,120
You know,
I've been trying to land
515
00:15:57,139 --> 00:15:59,199
that, uh, People's Choice
announcing gig?
516
00:15:59,220 --> 00:16:01,210
♪ ...because I just
can't stand myself... ♪
517
00:16:01,230 --> 00:16:03,110
I didn't want to come
to you with it,
518
00:16:03,129 --> 00:16:06,119
because, you know, God knows
you have so much on your mind.
519
00:16:06,139 --> 00:16:08,129
You know, you know,
you wear all these hats.
520
00:16:08,149 --> 00:16:09,999
Including, uh, the editing,
521
00:16:10,019 --> 00:16:13,199
which you seem to be more and
more involved with every day.
522
00:16:13,220 --> 00:16:15,170
(laughing)
523
00:16:15,190 --> 00:16:16,280
That's because I care.
524
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:19,070
♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪
525
00:16:19,090 --> 00:16:22,190
♪ Thirteen steps
lead down ♪
526
00:16:22,210 --> 00:16:25,250
♪ She stands and fails
on fashion fingernails ♪
527
00:16:25,269 --> 00:16:27,089
♪ Her lovers have her
walkin' 'round ♪
528
00:16:27,110 --> 00:16:28,280
♪ On instruments of torture ♪
529
00:16:29,000 --> 00:16:32,100
♪ And one of them
is poisonous ♪
530
00:16:32,120 --> 00:16:34,210
♪ The other is a thief
they say... ♪
531
00:16:34,230 --> 00:16:37,130
I've spoken
to, uh, Rita Moreno
532
00:16:37,149 --> 00:16:40,019
and, uh, Superman
533
00:16:40,039 --> 00:16:42,009
and they don't seem
to want to help.
534
00:16:42,029 --> 00:16:43,099
Fuckers!
535
00:16:43,120 --> 00:16:46,220
So, I'm asking you
flat out.
536
00:16:46,240 --> 00:16:48,240
Please, hire me.
537
00:16:48,259 --> 00:16:50,109
I want to be the announcer.
538
00:16:50,129 --> 00:16:52,159
I'm so fat.
539
00:16:52,179 --> 00:16:56,129
♪ Just stop playing
that bad mood music ♪
540
00:16:56,149 --> 00:16:59,169
♪ Thirteen steps lead down ♪
541
00:16:59,190 --> 00:17:02,290
♪ Thirteen steps
lead down... ♪
542
00:17:03,009 --> 00:17:04,999
You're wasting
your time, Hank.
543
00:17:05,019 --> 00:17:06,249
Larry's quit
the People's Choice,
544
00:17:06,269 --> 00:17:09,189
so he can't help your ass.
545
00:17:09,210 --> 00:17:10,200
Oh.
546
00:17:10,220 --> 00:17:13,110
Well, in that case...
547
00:17:16,079 --> 00:17:19,059
It was a bad decision
to edit that take.
548
00:17:20,210 --> 00:17:23,060
"Coconut" is funnier
than "chicken."
549
00:17:23,079 --> 00:17:24,239
Coco... nut.
550
00:17:24,259 --> 00:17:27,019
It's a "K" sound
followed by a "nut."
551
00:17:27,039 --> 00:17:28,029
Hey...
552
00:17:28,049 --> 00:17:29,219
The show is in progress,
gentlemen.
553
00:17:29,240 --> 00:17:32,010
Hank, please return
to your chair.
554
00:17:32,029 --> 00:17:35,169
(music continues)
555
00:17:40,150 --> 00:17:43,020
You wanna reconsider
your hasty decision
556
00:17:43,039 --> 00:17:45,019
or are you gonna
let me be stuck
557
00:17:45,039 --> 00:17:47,199
with the suggestion
that the network gave me?
558
00:17:47,220 --> 00:17:48,260
Mr. Hal Linden.
559
00:17:48,279 --> 00:17:50,019
Well, Hal Linden is good.
560
00:17:50,039 --> 00:17:51,079
Hal Linden is funny
561
00:17:51,099 --> 00:17:53,049
and he'll do
one of those dance numbers.
562
00:17:53,069 --> 00:17:56,039
Okay, I'll just hang there
with Hal
563
00:17:56,059 --> 00:17:58,019
and twist slowly in the wind
for all you care.
564
00:17:58,039 --> 00:18:01,009
If I was you, if I was you,
I'd go get Hank.
Yeah.
565
00:18:01,029 --> 00:18:05,009
(music continues)
566
00:18:27,150 --> 00:18:28,280
(playing intro to "Radio Radio")
567
00:18:29,000 --> 00:18:32,080
(cheering)
568
00:18:54,069 --> 00:18:55,109
(music ends)
569
00:18:55,130 --> 00:18:57,240
(cheering and applause)
570
00:18:59,089 --> 00:19:01,069
Give me an idea
of why Elvis is so mad.
571
00:19:01,089 --> 00:19:02,119
I don't have any idea.
572
00:19:02,140 --> 00:19:04,070
I just know
he's very, very angry.
573
00:19:04,089 --> 00:19:05,109
Artie...
(knocking on door)
574
00:19:05,130 --> 00:19:06,120
Mr. Costello?
575
00:19:06,140 --> 00:19:07,140
You see?
576
00:19:07,160 --> 00:19:08,240
You see, you said
the other project
577
00:19:08,259 --> 00:19:10,049
wouldn't interfere
with your work here
578
00:19:10,069 --> 00:19:12,079
and this is-- the whole thing's
falling apart, okay?
579
00:19:12,099 --> 00:19:13,139
Oh, don't be such a pussy.
580
00:19:13,160 --> 00:19:15,040
Elvis!
581
00:19:15,059 --> 00:19:16,239
De-clan? Declan?
582
00:19:16,259 --> 00:19:18,039
Who's Declan?
583
00:19:18,059 --> 00:19:20,029
That's-- that's--
that's his real name.
584
00:19:20,049 --> 00:19:21,269
Oh, you know,
I didn't even know that.
585
00:19:21,289 --> 00:19:23,039
Why don't you read
the fuckin' notes?
586
00:19:23,059 --> 00:19:24,139
Why don't you shove 'em
up your ass?
587
00:19:24,160 --> 00:19:26,280
Oh, is--
is there a problem, sir?
588
00:19:27,000 --> 00:19:28,200
I don't even know
why I did this show.
589
00:19:28,220 --> 00:19:30,010
Come on,
we're big fans here.
590
00:19:30,029 --> 00:19:31,189
Oh, yeah,
you're big fans.
591
00:19:31,210 --> 00:19:32,290
And while I'm out there
doing my number,
592
00:19:33,009 --> 00:19:34,029
you're yap, yap, yap, yap...
593
00:19:34,049 --> 00:19:35,179
We were listening
most intently.
594
00:19:35,200 --> 00:19:36,280
Don't give--
We're huge fans.
595
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,110
Don't give me any more
of that "big fan" shite.
596
00:19:39,130 --> 00:19:41,170
Letterman. Letterman.
That's big fans.
You were incredible.
597
00:19:41,190 --> 00:19:43,160
When did you do Letterman?
I thought he didn't do
Letterman.
598
00:19:43,180 --> 00:19:45,220
I thought we were
the first to get him on.
I didn't know that.
599
00:19:45,240 --> 00:19:47,100
When did you do Letter--
What was Letterman like?
600
00:19:47,119 --> 00:19:49,199
Well, at least
he was funny.
601
00:19:49,220 --> 00:19:51,280
And the people there,
they want autographs,
602
00:19:52,000 --> 00:19:53,060
they want photographs,
603
00:19:53,079 --> 00:19:54,239
they come in with a question
about the songs.
604
00:19:54,259 --> 00:19:57,229
We, we--
Here, no one
will even look at me.
605
00:19:57,250 --> 00:19:59,080
All right, what can we do
to make it up?
606
00:19:59,099 --> 00:20:00,089
Whatever you want.
607
00:20:00,109 --> 00:20:02,149
I've taken care of that
myself.
608
00:20:02,170 --> 00:20:04,210
Bye-bye.
609
00:20:04,230 --> 00:20:06,100
By the way, Larry...
610
00:20:07,190 --> 00:20:09,110
I'm a big fan.
611
00:20:12,019 --> 00:20:13,239
What the...
612
00:20:13,259 --> 00:20:14,269
Look at this.
Look at this.
613
00:20:14,289 --> 00:20:15,279
I have a-- this reminds me
614
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,060
of the time
Angela Lansbury was on.
615
00:20:19,049 --> 00:20:20,039
Good morning.
616
00:20:20,059 --> 00:20:21,269
Oh, hey.
617
00:20:21,289 --> 00:20:23,209
Uh...
618
00:20:23,230 --> 00:20:25,210
I just came in to tell you
I made a mistake.
619
00:20:25,230 --> 00:20:28,010
I should have never taken
that People's Choice project.
620
00:20:28,029 --> 00:20:29,109
I was just coming
into your office
621
00:20:29,130 --> 00:20:31,030
to tell you I thought
I overreacted, so...
622
00:20:31,049 --> 00:20:32,199
No, I thought about this
all night.
623
00:20:32,220 --> 00:20:35,140
I was wrong
to have asked you to co-host.
624
00:20:35,160 --> 00:20:37,270
You should always be the host.
625
00:20:37,289 --> 00:20:39,189
And you should rest
on your hiatus,
626
00:20:39,210 --> 00:20:43,030
so you can focus on this show
the way I should be doing.
627
00:20:43,049 --> 00:20:44,129
So I told 'em.
628
00:20:44,150 --> 00:20:45,160
"Just take your tap shoes
629
00:20:45,180 --> 00:20:47,110
and shove 'em
up your collective ass."
630
00:20:47,130 --> 00:20:48,140
(sighs)
631
00:20:48,160 --> 00:20:50,290
So, you-- you quit?
632
00:20:51,009 --> 00:20:53,199
No... they fired me.
633
00:20:53,220 --> 00:20:55,090
Rule number one, never quit.
634
00:20:55,109 --> 00:20:57,279
Always make them fire you,
that way you get your money.
635
00:20:58,000 --> 00:21:00,090
So, I'm gonna be
on that plane to Hawaii
636
00:21:00,109 --> 00:21:01,209
Saturday morning, buddy!
637
00:21:01,230 --> 00:21:03,120
I'm gonna teach you
how to windsurf.
638
00:21:03,140 --> 00:21:06,250
You know, um, I felt so bad
639
00:21:06,269 --> 00:21:09,089
about our little argument
last night
640
00:21:09,109 --> 00:21:12,259
that I woke up and, uh...
641
00:21:12,279 --> 00:21:14,249
I signed the contract
642
00:21:14,269 --> 00:21:17,179
to co-host
the People's Choice Awards.
643
00:21:17,200 --> 00:21:19,080
As a favor to you.
644
00:21:20,220 --> 00:21:22,060
Oh, shit.
645
00:21:22,079 --> 00:21:23,109
What are we gonna--
646
00:21:23,130 --> 00:21:24,260
Is this-- is this
where I do the intro from?
647
00:21:24,279 --> 00:21:26,269
Man:
Okay, people,
settle down, people, quiet.
648
00:21:26,289 --> 00:21:28,169
Is this where I do--
It's a rehearsal.
649
00:21:28,190 --> 00:21:29,230
Is this where I do
the intro from?
650
00:21:29,250 --> 00:21:30,240
Yeah.
All right.
651
00:21:30,259 --> 00:21:32,119
"And now I'd like you all
to say hello
652
00:21:32,140 --> 00:21:34,110
to my good friend and co-host,
Miss Rita Moreno,"
653
00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:35,170
and then I move--
she's gonna come--
654
00:21:35,190 --> 00:21:36,200
Okay.
Great.
655
00:21:36,220 --> 00:21:38,050
All right.
Okay, and Rita
settles in.
656
00:21:38,069 --> 00:21:40,099
Yeah, yeah, it's really,
really very easy.
Just take my hand.
657
00:21:40,119 --> 00:21:41,119
Now--
We can do some step-kicks.
658
00:21:41,140 --> 00:21:42,250
Like we did the other, uh...
659
00:21:42,269 --> 00:21:44,239
Right, and then when I put up
my leg, you grab it, okay?
660
00:21:44,259 --> 00:21:45,249
Let's go.
661
00:21:45,269 --> 00:21:46,259
Okay.
Here we go.
662
00:21:46,279 --> 00:21:48,029
And... kick, step,
step, step.
663
00:21:48,049 --> 00:21:49,229
Kick, step, step, step.
Kick, step, step, step.
664
00:21:49,250 --> 00:21:51,250
Now catch my leg.
Catch my-- there you--
665
00:21:51,269 --> 00:21:52,999
I just pulled something.
666
00:21:53,019 --> 00:21:54,099
I just--
uh, right here.
667
00:21:54,119 --> 00:21:55,269
Can I just take
a little break?
668
00:21:55,289 --> 00:21:56,279
Oh.
669
00:21:57,000 --> 00:21:58,270
Is there a...
(clears throat)
670
00:21:58,289 --> 00:22:00,199
I did this in high school.
Excuse me.
671
00:22:02,049 --> 00:22:04,129
Rita:
I don't think he dances.
672
00:22:06,029 --> 00:22:08,259
Now, Larry,
I think this can work.
673
00:22:08,279 --> 00:22:10,009
You just have to commit.
674
00:22:10,029 --> 00:22:11,999
I am not dancing.
675
00:22:12,019 --> 00:22:14,099
I'll tell you what--
you get Artie, then I'll dance.
676
00:22:14,119 --> 00:22:15,209
I don't even know
where Arthur is.
677
00:22:15,230 --> 00:22:16,270
He is in Hawaii.
678
00:22:16,289 --> 00:22:19,029
He's on the island of Oahu,
in Honolulu.
679
00:22:19,049 --> 00:22:20,059
Larry...
680
00:22:20,079 --> 00:22:22,009
I know this is
unfamiliar territory.
681
00:22:22,029 --> 00:22:23,089
You feel a little
out of place here.
682
00:22:23,109 --> 00:22:24,099
Just a tad.
683
00:22:24,119 --> 00:22:25,159
We've made an adjustment
684
00:22:25,180 --> 00:22:27,020
that's gonna make you feel
more at home, okay?
685
00:22:27,039 --> 00:22:29,059
Can we hear
that opening announce, please?
686
00:22:29,079 --> 00:22:30,269
Hank on speaker:
And now,
the People's Choice Awards
687
00:22:30,289 --> 00:22:32,129
salute in song and in dance
688
00:22:32,150 --> 00:22:35,010
35 years of daytime dramas.
689
00:22:35,029 --> 00:22:38,189
Mmm... tastes
a little like coconut.
690
00:22:38,210 --> 00:22:43,080
♪ ♪
48960
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