All language subtitles for Schitts.Creek.S01E07.Turkey.Shoot.1080p.Amazon.WEB-DL.DD+5.1.H.264-QOQ

Don't judge me for what I'm
about to ask you to do.

Come inside, please.

- What're you about to do?
- It does not matter. It doesn't matter.

What?

That.

That's why you
called me in here?

Yeah, look at it.

- I'm looking.
- No, look at it.

Uh, it looks like a bug...

- Yeah.
- Trapped under a glass.

I googled that bug.
It's some sort of demonic cricket

that takes chunks out of
your skin when provoked.

"Chunks" is
the word that Google used.

- You googled a bug?
- Yeah.

I have a thing about bugs
with milky exoskeletons.

I have this irrational fear,
they are gonna crawl into my mouth

and nest at night, so...

So what do you want
me to do, kill it?

No, I think I just
need moral support

while I slip a piece of paper
under the glass with the bug,

and take the trapped
bug and walk it outside.

Or we could just kill it.

No, that's not
the way to go.

Oh, my God! It's fleeing!

- It's fast!
- It's fleeing into the bathroom!

That's why you
use the cup method,

because you'd
keep it contained!

Now it's just all out!

Well, I guess I don't
even need to be here.

Oh, It's hi...

Now it's hiding somewhere in the
darkness waiting for nightfall.

I can't sleep here.
I can't sleep here.

Not with your
mouth open anyway.

That's not a nice
thing to say to me.

You know, sometimes I forget what
life was like before I knew you.

Okay, bye-bye! Bye.

- Yup.
- Okay. Hope you catch it.

I can hear it. I can hear it.

What the hell?

Hey, where's my towel?

John?

Johnny! Where's my towel?

Anyways, I asked this kid to
come to the front of the class

and solve this math equation

and he was pitching a tent.

- He had a boner.
- Ah.

And then I was thinking,
these are young boys, these poor kids,

and it can't be easy having
a teacher like myself...

- Hmm.
- so...

What was your question, again?

You know, it's been so long
I can't remember.

There you are, John!
Where did my towel go?

Moira! Nanaimo bars.

Accidentally doubled the batch
and Roland's on diabetes watch,

so I thought,
why not share the wealth?

Well, what a lovely gesture,
huh, Moira?

John, I had a towel
and now it's disappeared!

There's a towel on
the back of the door.

No, that one has dirt on it!

That's not dirt,
I used it to kill a bug.

I'm sorry.

I guess I'm stressed.

Morning, Jocelyn!

You know, Moira,

if you ever need to
just go somewhere

to unwind and
have some pampering,

I know a great
place in Elmdale.

Let's not and say we did.

You know, honey,
a little pampering might not be a bad idea,

could alleviate some of that, uh,
weight you're carrying around.

So now I'm fat and stressed?

Emotional weight. Emotional.

John, go find
a towel now, please,

or I will strip
out of this robe

and I will air dry
in the street!

- Okay, well, I'm just gonna go home. Sorry.
- No, no, no.

I didn't say I didn't
want them. Thank you.

A little pampering.
Great idea.

- I think so, yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, Twy.

Um, Twy...

What is in the
"meadow harvest" smoothie?

Ah, you know, it changes every day.
Just depends on my mood.

But it's all organic,
earthy ingredients.

Okay,
so it's like fruity or...

Yes, it is. Yup. At times.

And then other times, not.

Okay! Well, today,
is it more fruity or more vegetably...

You know, I don't know.

I've gotta check in the back
and see what we have.

So "meadow harvest"
doesn't refer to anything in particular.

No, meadow harvest
is exactly how it sounds.

It just changes every day.

Okay. All right.

Well, I'll just, um, do that then,
the meadow harvest thing.

- Great.
- Thank you.

Hi.

Hi.

Um, I just feel like I
have to warn you,

what you just ordered is gonna run
through you like Niagara Falls.

Excuse me?

She's a sweet girl
but her smoothies are deadly.

Um, I usually prescribe
them to my patients

when they're feeling
a little backed up.

That's a lot of information.

I'm kidding.

I'm actually not.
I've absolutely done that with her smoothies.

So are you a doctor or...

I'm a veterinarian.

Oh. It's basically
the same thing.

Ted.

Um, Alexis.

I know.
Without sounding too forward,

I've seen you around...

and, uh, you know,
I have to say,

I think that you are the most
beautiful girl this town's ever seen.

What? No.

I'm sure there's, like,
another girl somewhere.

No, I mean it.

Yeah. Well, that's
really nice of you to say.

I would love to take you out
to dinner sometime.

- Uh...
- I feel good about this one.

Yeah, it's a little less fruity
but a little more something.

Mmm.

Mmm.

So, about the bug thing.

No explanation necessary.
You've got a thing about bugs.

No, I don't have
a thing about bugs.

It was one bug,
and that bug was milky.

So, you're a man
at one with nature.

Yeah. I could not be
more at one with nature.

I do Coachella
every year, so...

Oh! So you'd be
into coming with me

on the annual
turkey shoot then?

That's something
that should excite you.

What?

The turkey shoot?

- Mmm.
- Roland's annual thing. We go out and we hunt turkeys.

Been doing it
every year since I was

far too young to
be holding a gun.

Yeah. Yes.

Yeah. Let's do that.

I was joking.

I have a strong feeling
that would not be your thing.

And what do think
my thing is exactly?

High thread count sheets?
Colognes that smell like fireplace...

Okay. Well, it might
surprise you to know

that I have more
than one thing,

so I will happily go
with you on the hunt.

Nothing would make me
more excited than to...

Go hunting for...

- Turkeys.
- Turkeys with you, so...

Is this a tweed or
a camo situation?

Okay, did anyone actually see this
pillow come out of this container?

Seriously? Go to hell!

You're a fool!

Okay, Moira,
why are we doing this?

Why don't we wait for the girl to
come in and help us make the bed?

She never comes, John!

No. Bastard.

- Bastard!
- Jocelyn.

- Johnny.
- Hi.

Good, you're here, Moira.

I was just booking myself an
appointment with Janine at the salon,

and I said to myself, "Wow!

"Moira really looks like
she needs a pick-me-up,"

so I booked you
a mani too!

Little girls spa day on me.

Wow! What a nice gesture.

May I see a spa
treatment menu?

Oh, well, it's just a salon, so they
don't really do all that kind of stuff.

But she does give
a mean scalp massage.

Really mean?

If you requested that,
I guess, yeah.

Moira, this sounds
too good to pass up.

Please,
please do this, for me.

Let me rephrase that.

Do it for you
because you deserve...

Yes! My answer's yes,
Jocelyn. Thank you.

Yay!
Oh, yes.

So, what're you
doing tonight?

Making chili.
Might do some laundry.

A polite person would now ask
me what I'm doing tonight.

That's what this is about?
Sorry.

Um. What're you
doing tonight?

Ted's taking me out.

Ted?

Mm-hmm. Ted.

I don't know his last name.
The, uh... The, um, doctor.

The vet?

Yeah, the doctor.

The animal doctor.

Yeah, we went to
high school together.

I think you'd be
good for each other.

Do you?

I think he has everything you're
looking for in a husband.

A husband?

What am I looking
for in a husband?

Money.

Hmm.

Did you know Richard Gere's
middle name is Tiffany?

So Ted's taking
me to Antonio's.

What's Antonio's?

It's this little buffet
restaurant in Elmdale.

But he said that we
could order off the menu.

Are you sure you wanna be
traveling so far out of town

with a person you just met?

I went on a blind
date to Bali with Leo,

so I'm pretty sure
I'm gonna be fine.

So who is this person?

Mmm. He's cute.

And?

And...

He doesn't have a trust fund,

so that's, like,
a refreshing change of pace for me.

Speaking of people
without trust funds,

what about that beardy thing
that you spend time with?

- What, Mutt?
- Yeah.

No. Eww. It's not a thing.

Right.
I'm looking for Alexis.

Oh. You have a... What?
A thing with Alexis tonight?

- Uh, a date.
- I think that's Ted.

Why is he over there?

Because he knows how
much I love it when

Mom and Dad
interrogate your boyfriends.

- I wonder what they're asking.
- No, David!

Tell me, Ted, are your
parents still together?

Uh, no. They divorced when
I was in high school.

Oh. Alcoholism.

No, I think they just realized that
they were better off as friends.

Huh.
Affair. Poor thing.

Okay. That's enough, everybody.
Thank you so much.

Hey.
Hey, got the wrong room. Hi.

- Yeah, you did. Okay.
- Yeah.

Hey, I know you!

Yeah, no, Stevie
brought you in to see me.

I had the pleasure of treating
your son's panic attack.

So Antonio's Buffet, huh?

So many choices,
one little plate.

Okay, you know what? Bye, guys.
We'll see you in the morning.

"In the morning."
Very funny, Alexis!

Don't even think about it,
ain't gonna happen.

- Ted, not on the first date.
- Yes, sir.

Don't wanna kill the buzz,
but have fun.

Alexis seems to have found
someone to keep her busy.

What about you, David?

I'm gonna go to bed.
I have to be up early.

I stupidly agreed to go
hunting with Stevie tomorrow.

- Hunting?
- Yeah.

- Hunting?
- Yeah.

You said hunting?

Yeah.

Wow.

Ahh!

- It's me!
- Who is it?

It's your father!

What're you doing
lurking in our bedroom?

I'm not lurking in your room.

Your alarm is going off.
You're not turning off your alarm!

Shoot.

You know, I'm telling you,
I'm not comfortable with you going hunting.

I don't feel
comfortable with it either!

End this now. Thank you.

- All right, just be careful, please.
- Okay, thank you.

You and your nightgown can
tippy-toe back to bed. I'm late.

You ever killed before?

Have I ever killed before?

No.

Elton John used to have an annual
hunt at his place in Windsor,

but that was more
about the lunch.

Turkey virgin!

Does this come
in a slimmer cut?

Here. You can take this one.

It has a scope so
you can see the head.

Okay!
Gather round, my shooters.

Bob has a little prayer here
he'd like to offer up.

Just a little convo with the
big man upstairs for a second.

It happens every year.

Our God,
in these times of need,

our light in these
times of darkness...

David, do you wanna...

So is it,
like, a small town thing

to end the first date
with a kiss on the cheek?

What?

Nothing.

What? It's not like
it was a bad date or anything.

It sounds like
things got crazy.

Yeah. I actually
introduced him to Beyonce

in the car ride on the way home,
so that was very special.

It's just, if
the date's a success with me,

I'll let you know it.

Okay.

I mean, he might as well
have shaken your hand.

Well, he did that too.

- Hey.
- Hey.

I thought that you could use
a proper smoothie.

Well, lucky for you,
we're just finishing up.

Eh... Hey, Mutt.
Do you want a ride?

- I'm good.
- Are you sure? It's a long walk.

I like walking.

Suit yourself, bud.

So you don't mind wrapping up?

Bye!

So how are your bowels?
Good and tight?

Yes.
Thank you for the concern.

Well, I just wanna make sure
you got the stomach for this

'cause you kinda seem like an
indoors-y sort of guy to me.

- Mm-hmm.
- You know, delicate. Fragile.

- Scrimpy.
- Thank you.

Okay, get down.

You ever
held a gun before?

Uh, yeah,
but it wasn't this heavy,

which makes me think that
Elton's was actually a toy.

All right, you gotta treat it
like it's a newborn baby.

Have to admit, not into babies so
it's kind of a guessing game for me.

Oh, you got soft hands.

Okay, thank you. Thanks.

You don't have to do this.

Do what? Have fun?

Smell like manure?
Get called "scrimpy"?

Who wouldn't wanna
sign up for this?

Yeah.

Oh, oh, uh...

Jocelyn,
would you grab us a table

while I speak with
my husband, please.

Well, he should join us.

And between you and me,
people are noticing you!

Excuse me, cowboy,
have you seen my husband?

Oh, my God.

Ho ho hoo hoo!

Look at you.
Boy, you look like...

Who? Who do I look like?

I wanna say Tonya Harding.

Do you? How about...

- Jocelyn.
- Mmm.

Oh, my God, that's right.
Why Jocelyn?

Because everyone
who comes out of that salon

looks just like Jocelyn.

Wow.

And is that you?
Is that your wig?

No, it's a dead possum.

Yes, it's a wig, John.
Is she still looking at us?

Yes, she is. Yes.

So what happened?
I can't believe you're wearing this.

This is what I get
for being nice, John.

I'm doing this for Jocelyn
because she paid for it,

and it was her little treat, and I didn't
have the heart to rip it off my head,

- much less torch it.
- Oh.

So, now,
until I get in the shower,

I'm stuck looking like every other
inmate in this godforsaken prison.

- She's coming over. I just told a joke.
- You did?

You did!

What do you think of
your beautiful wife?

- Well, which beautiful wife are we talking about here?
- Oh!

I can't tell you how
freeing it is, Jocelyn,

to try
something new like this.

'Tis. I mean,
of course, as an actress,

I can imagine what kind
of sad character might...

But not necessarily...

Sad?

You think this is a sad look?

- No.
- No.

Not the look. No, Jocelyn,

I'm talking about the inner
sadness that would come from...

From living in such a...

We have to get drinks.
Several drinks.

Don't you think?
Let's celebrate!

Let's celebrate drinking!

Okay.

Okay, David,

it's all yours,
aim for the face.

It's looking at me.

Ahh! That's it. You're locked in.
It's just you and him.

Okay.

Just point and shoot, David!

Hard to do when
you're talking, Bob.

There's no one talking now.

- Bob, you're talking.
- What?

- Stop talking!
- Too much talking.

Shoot the bird, David!
Shoot it.

Honestly, if you're not gonna shoot it,
I'm going to...

And in the neck.

It's still moving.

Just let it bleed out.

You okay?

I feel like one of
the Manson girls.

First one's tough.

Even tougher when you
shoot it in the neck

'cause then it
takes longer to die.

Okay, not helping, Ronnie.

So, now what? Do we just...

Wait until its turkey family
comes and shoot them too?

Hey. I think I see them.

No, no.

Yes! Heard you.

- Jocelyn!
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I just wanted to say

how fun it was to
spend the day with you.

Oh, Jocelyn, 'tis I who
owes you a big thank you.

I also wanted to apologize
for Janine ruining your wig.

No, don't be silly. I was...

I was about to
find a shower cap.

I know you hate
your hair, Moira.

Almost as much as
you hate this town.

But there's a possibility you
could be here a really long time.

May I offer you something?

The people here are
just trying to help you,

and there'll be days when
your wigs need conditioning,

or one of your fashion-y
blouses shrinks in the dryer,

and you'll have
to go to Janine's

or get a shirt
at the Blouse Barn

just like the rest of us.

And I would hate for that day
to catch you by surprise.

I don't hate
this town, Jocelyn.

It's just not mine,
and this is not my hair.

I know. It's a wig.

It's not my style.

You? On you, it's adorable.

You have a look that says, "Hi.
I'm Jocelyn, and I know who I am!"

For that, you're
very fortunate. You are.

I don't who I am
from one moment to the next.

So honestly, dear,
I envy you, all right?

But if you ever,

ever catch me
shopping at the Blouse Barn,

you must shoot
me in the temple.

Promise?

Promise.

My son is hunting right now
with your husband,

so I know you
people have guns.

What about what we just did
makes you think,

"Yeah, you know what?
I wanna do this year after year after year"?

Was it the lying in the mud part
or was it wearing the clothes

that smell like menthol
cigarettes and body odor?

'Cause usually it's more fun.

Usually Ray comes
and gets wasted,

and spends the whole day
singing Carole King ballads.

David, I...

Need a towel, please.

Is that a new wig?
Because you are reminding me of someone.

Towel, please.

I need my towels.
What... Who did this to you?

You went to Janine's.

Yes. Jocelyn took me to...

Jocelyn.
You look like Jocelyn.

Jocelyn.
And what's your excuse?

Oh, um...

I shot a bird in
the neck today.

It was an indelible image
that I had scarred in my mind

until I saw what was
happening up there with you.

So thank you.

I'm gonna get your towel.