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KEVIN HART: Comin' up on
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"Real Husbands of Hollywood"...
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Everything Kevin Hart has
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done, I did it before.
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Laugh at my pain.
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I brought the pain, okay?
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[laughing]
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Oh, it's gonna be funny to see
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this one go down.
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♪
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Oliver, baby, come on now.
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Shake it off.
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You go on stage and you rip
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or you get ripped.
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Why are your lips so chapped?
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My lips are chapped?
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You're on in five minutes!
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Your act should be in your head.
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No, it shouldn't!
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It shouldn't.
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OLIVER: What? [sighs]
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> Listen ...y, hey, hey.
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Get it together.
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I know you're nervous.
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But guess what?
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We are your friends, hm?
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We're here to support you.
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I knew JB and the boys were
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gonna come down.
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But I really didn't expect Kevin
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to come support me.
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I didn't come here to
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support him.
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You know, it kills me how people
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wanna always disrespect our art.
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I mean, this is the only
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profession that everybody
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assumes that they can do.
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You don't see people walking
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into an operatin' room sayin',
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hey, doc, gimme five minutes,
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I'ma kill you.
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It never happens.
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It always happens in comedy,
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though.
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So, you know what I decided
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to do to make sure old Oliver
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doesn't walk away with any
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confidence?
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I decided to put him in between
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a "Rock" and a "Hart" place.
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♪
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Whose house?
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Oh, my God!
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Rock's house!
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ALL: [hooting]
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Brooklyn in the house.
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Brooklyn, yes!
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Oh, my gosh.
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Get off the floor.
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This the guy y'all been
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talkin' about?
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So you're gonna do some
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stand-up.
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Yes, I'm gonna do some
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stand-up, sir, just like you.
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This is my hero right here.
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Really?
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You're the last like master.
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You're the blueprint, man.
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I'm the blackprint,
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all right?
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That's true.
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Now, if you wanna me like me,
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you gotta wear the hat.
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The what?
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I don't know about that.
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Y'all didn't give him
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the Murphy-Pryor hat?
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No, he's not that...
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He's not hat funny?
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Not yet.
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What's the hat, y'all?
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Way back in the day, right,
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the first time Eddie Murphy did
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the Apollo, he got so sick,
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he didn't even wanna go on.
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Then, outta nowhere, the
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greatest comedian of all time,
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Richard Pryor shows up
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and Richard Pryor looks at Eddie
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over there just throwin' up
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and says, wipe your mouth, boy!
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Oh, God!
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The rest is history.
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the rest is history.
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It gets me every time, y'all.
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Like it's literally the most
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motivating story I've ever
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heard.
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Mm, but what about the hat?
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What hat?
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Y'all were talking about
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a hat already like this Murphy-
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Pryor hat?
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What's...
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OTHERS: Oh...
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I gotta know.
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I guess so.
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Don't let Eddie Murphy down.
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You're the [beep] with
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the hat now.
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Good luck, man.
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CROWD: [applauding, cheering]
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I feel like Kevin Hart
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up here, y'all.
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Let me tell y'all.
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I'm glad y'all came, man.
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[indiscernible]
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This next cat comin' to the
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stage, they say he's supposed to
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be the next.
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Yeah, I'm about to enjoy
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watching him die.
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This'll be good.
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Yeah, like the first time
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I watched you.
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I'm sorry, what?
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Me? Die? Come on now.
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Pookie must still be high
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from "New Jack City."
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Remember? He was like...
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GARY: So, y'all show some
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love for Oliver Grant!
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OLIVER: Yeah! Woo!
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CROWD: [light applause]
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OLIVER: What's up, y'all?
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How y'all doin', man?
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[microphone feedback whines]
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OLIVER: Yeah. All right.
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Ooh, y'all see 'em--Kevin Hart,
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Chris Rock, Anthony Anderson,
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and JB Smoove, Chris Spencer.
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You know what it is.
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They came to see me.
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CROWD: [applauding]
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OLIVER: Okay.
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You know what I love?
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Rihanna, right?
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How fine is Rihanna?
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Forehead and all, right?
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That's just more Rihanna
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for me, right?
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[coughs]
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I'ma do it from the mic stand.
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Rihanna is so fine that...
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If I slept with her, I would
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tell my girl.
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My girl be like, why you
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smilin'
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and I be like, I'm glad
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you asked, right?
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This guy's horrible.
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I gotta get outta here before
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this unfunny rub off on me.
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Nice to see you.
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We got lunch tomorrow.
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Yes, man.
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Why do you have to remind
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me like I'm a kid?
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'Cause you're a kid.
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Okay, that's funny.
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OLIVER: No, I'm not poor.
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I'm just at a broke place...
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uh...
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My plan worked.
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Oliver's gonna be my assistant
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until he's 80.
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I might even lower his salary.
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♪
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Now, Kev, you've been
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beggin'
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to go on the road for years,
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man, but now that you're finally
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funny, we should do it.
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I don't like to say it, but
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some people said I was funnier
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than you.
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You know what?
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Even that's funny right there
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and that's why we're gonna sell
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out arenas all over the world.
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Dude, I'm in.
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Okay.
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And I've already been
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thinking the name, okay?
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Tell me what you think of this.
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Kevin Hart and Chris Rock Live.
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I was thinkin' more
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like, uh...
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Chris Rock World Tour...
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Introducing Kevin Hart.
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Why don't we go with this?
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Kevin Hart World Tour...
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Resurrecting Chris Rock
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'cause people thought you
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was dead, man.
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I was, he ain't dead.
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Well, I was, you know...
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doin' voice-over work,
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"Madagascar," you know.
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Ah, I mean...
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A zebra brings in some
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change, Kevin.
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No, I know. I bet it does.
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But you're talking like two
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days of work.
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Yeah, yeah, but it takes
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time to spend that money.
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You're gonna learn about all of
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that on tour with me.
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Okay.
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Okay, this will be perfect.
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You come out and you do about
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15 minutes, right?
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Okay.
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Then Chaka Khan comes out,
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sings for about 45.
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I come out, do about an hour
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and a half.
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People will be gettin'
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their money's worth, Kev.
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Like after having this
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conversation with you, I see
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why everybody hates Chris.
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I get it.
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Everybody hates Chris. See?
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Everybody knows me 'cause of
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all the stuff I did--
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like "Everybody Hates Chris."
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If Kevin had a show, it'd be
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called "Nobody Knows Kevin."
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Who the hell knows
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who Kevin Hart is? Really?
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Nobody knows who Kevin Hart
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is except his fans and even
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they're waiting for Nick Cannon
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to show up.
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Kevin, what you gotta understand
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is I'm actually famous.
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You're more Black famous.
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What?
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That's right.
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I'm like, I host the Oscars.
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You hosted the Roscoes.
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Wow.
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I'm famous in Beverly Hills.
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You're famous at
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the Fox Hill Mall.
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I mean...
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There's no way how you can
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tell me that I'm Black famous.
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I'll pay the bill.
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Pay the bill?
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Yes, that's how I'm--
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You know, I forgot you're
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an opening act.
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Let me show you how we roll
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at my level.
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KEVIN: Wait.
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Chris.
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Chris, what are you...
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Chris?
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I don't see a waitress.
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[clears throat]
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Just a Black man takin'
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a walk, people.
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Nothin' to be suspicious about.
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Chris!
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♪
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KEVIN HART: [laughs]
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What the hell did you just walk
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out on the bill for, Chris?
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Kev, Kev, check out this
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jacket.
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Listen, I would love to check
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out the jacket, but right now
288
00:07:47,137 --> 00:07:48,277
I'm concerned about why you're
289
00:07:48,275 --> 00:07:49,135
walking out on bills, man.
290
00:07:49,137 --> 00:07:51,717
Kev, feel it. Just feel it.
291
00:07:51,724 --> 00:07:52,974
Oooh.
292
00:07:52,965 --> 00:07:53,785
Hey, man.
293
00:07:53,793 --> 00:07:54,663
Ooh, come on.
294
00:07:54,655 --> 00:07:55,655
That's a nice jacket.
295
00:07:55,655 --> 00:07:56,475
What is that?
296
00:07:56,482 --> 00:07:57,482
That's like a nude buck suede
297
00:07:57,482 --> 00:07:58,312
leather?
298
00:07:58,310 --> 00:07:59,210
Yes. Yes.
299
00:07:59,206 --> 00:08:00,136
That's nice.
300
00:08:00,137 --> 00:08:00,967
Step out here so I can really
301
00:08:00,965 --> 00:08:01,755
see it.
302
00:08:01,758 --> 00:08:02,448
You like it? You like it?
303
00:08:02,448 --> 00:08:03,338
Walk in it.
304
00:08:03,344 --> 00:08:04,214
Let me see you walk.
305
00:08:04,206 --> 00:08:05,616
I'ma walk in it.
306
00:08:05,620 --> 00:08:06,760
Oh, hell, yeah.
307
00:08:06,758 --> 00:08:08,098
Let me see if they got--
308
00:08:08,103 --> 00:08:10,413
Chris, they got two!
309
00:08:10,413 --> 00:08:11,483
You know what that means.
310
00:08:11,482 --> 00:08:12,932
♪ That means that we can be
311
00:08:12,931 --> 00:08:15,721
♪ The twins of comedy
312
00:08:15,724 --> 00:08:17,594
Like...like, uh...
313
00:08:17,586 --> 00:08:20,716
Chris, you leave?
314
00:08:20,724 --> 00:08:24,524
Chris?
315
00:08:24,517 --> 00:08:29,657
Chris!
316
00:08:29,655 --> 00:08:32,305
Chris. What the hell?
317
00:08:32,310 --> 00:08:33,140
You just walk out with
318
00:08:33,137 --> 00:08:33,997
that jacket on?
319
00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:34,900
Kev, check out this
320
00:08:34,896 --> 00:08:35,756
watch, man.
321
00:08:35,758 --> 00:08:36,688
It's incredible.
322
00:08:36,689 --> 00:08:37,619
Listen--
323
00:08:37,620 --> 00:08:38,450
You know what?
324
00:08:38,448 --> 00:08:39,408
This'll look good on you.
325
00:08:39,413 --> 00:08:40,243
Chris, listen, it probably
326
00:08:40,241 --> 00:08:41,141
would, man.
327
00:08:41,137 --> 00:08:42,027
First of all, I'm not payin'
328
00:08:42,034 --> 00:08:42,974
that for no watch, I mean,
329
00:08:42,965 --> 00:08:43,895
so that's not gonna
330
00:08:43,896 --> 00:08:44,896
happen--ever.
331
00:08:44,896 --> 00:08:45,996
Then take it.
332
00:08:46,000 --> 00:08:48,480
Well, Chris, you gotta be--
333
00:08:48,482 --> 00:08:50,342
Hey, Chris? Chris?
334
00:08:50,344 --> 00:08:52,004
Chris?
335
00:08:52,000 --> 00:08:53,590
Ohhhh...
336
00:08:53,586 --> 00:08:54,786
Confessionals are normally used
337
00:08:54,793 --> 00:08:56,343
as a device to tell our audience
338
00:08:56,344 --> 00:08:57,284
our thoughts on what is really
339
00:08:57,275 --> 00:08:58,335
goin' on.
340
00:08:58,344 --> 00:08:59,664
Um...
341
00:08:59,655 --> 00:09:02,785
right now, I don't know what
342
00:09:02,793 --> 00:09:05,343
the hell is goin' on.
343
00:09:05,344 --> 00:09:08,664
Chris!
344
00:09:08,655 --> 00:09:09,475
Chris, I know you hear me
345
00:09:09,482 --> 00:09:10,382
callin' you.
346
00:09:10,379 --> 00:09:12,169
Chris!
347
00:09:12,172 --> 00:09:14,142
Chris, let me ask you something.
348
00:09:14,137 --> 00:09:15,377
What the hell are you doin, man?
349
00:09:15,379 --> 00:09:16,169
What are you talking about,
350
00:09:16,172 --> 00:09:17,032
Kevin?
351
00:09:17,034 --> 00:09:17,934
I'm talking about you
352
00:09:17,931 --> 00:09:18,721
stealing right now.
353
00:09:18,724 --> 00:09:19,624
I'm not stealing.
354
00:09:19,620 --> 00:09:20,720
Kev, Kev, when you reach
355
00:09:20,724 --> 00:09:21,694
my level, it's not called
356
00:09:21,689 --> 00:09:22,659
"stealing," it's called
357
00:09:22,655 --> 00:09:23,405
"endorsing."
358
00:09:23,413 --> 00:09:25,213
Wow. Wow, huh?
359
00:09:25,206 --> 00:09:26,336
You're just not at this level
360
00:09:26,344 --> 00:09:27,934
yet and no one's asked you to
361
00:09:27,931 --> 00:09:29,661
endorse anything.
362
00:09:29,655 --> 00:09:30,965
KEVIN: Oh, no!
363
00:09:30,965 --> 00:09:31,995
SECURITY GUARD: Hey! Hey!
364
00:09:32,000 --> 00:09:32,970
Stop right there!
365
00:09:32,965 --> 00:09:33,995
Hey! Hey!
366
00:09:34,000 --> 00:09:35,170
I'm not the man you want.
367
00:09:35,172 --> 00:09:37,072
This is who you want. Him!
368
00:09:37,068 --> 00:09:38,138
He's the thief.
369
00:09:38,137 --> 00:09:39,477
Calm down, little man.
370
00:09:39,482 --> 00:09:40,692
I just want you to take
371
00:09:40,689 --> 00:09:41,829
a picture of me and Mr. Rock,
372
00:09:41,827 --> 00:09:42,967
all right?
373
00:09:42,965 --> 00:09:44,305
Come on. Come on.
374
00:09:44,310 --> 00:09:45,520
[laughing]
375
00:09:45,517 --> 00:09:46,377
KEVIN: Are you serious
376
00:09:46,379 --> 00:09:47,309
right now?
377
00:09:47,310 --> 00:09:48,310
GUARD: Yeah.
378
00:09:48,310 --> 00:09:49,240
You'd better get that
379
00:09:49,241 --> 00:09:50,311
15 minutes ready.
380
00:09:50,310 --> 00:09:52,550
Chaka's bringin' the heat.
381
00:09:52,551 --> 00:09:56,211
Say "headliner."
382
00:09:56,206 --> 00:09:57,136
BOTH: Headliner!
383
00:09:57,137 --> 00:10:04,687
♪
384
00:10:04,689 --> 00:10:06,719
So, I went over the contract
385
00:10:06,724 --> 00:10:08,004
and it's 75 cities.
386
00:10:08,000 --> 00:10:09,140
Mm-hm.
387
00:10:09,137 --> 00:10:10,337
First-class accommodations,
388
00:10:10,344 --> 00:10:12,174
of course, and a 60/40 door
389
00:10:12,172 --> 00:10:13,972
split after expenses.
390
00:10:13,965 --> 00:10:14,925
Forty?
391
00:10:14,931 --> 00:10:17,451
I was gonna give Rock 45.
392
00:10:17,448 --> 00:10:18,998
The 40 was for you.
393
00:10:19,000 --> 00:10:20,280
Oh, we gotta change that.
394
00:10:20,275 --> 00:10:21,545
I already did.
395
00:10:21,551 --> 00:10:23,001
Who is your lawyer?
396
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:24,100
I negotiated a 50/50 door split.
397
00:10:24,103 --> 00:10:25,143
Mmm!
398
00:10:25,137 --> 00:10:25,997
Just on one condition.
399
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:26,900
What?
400
00:10:26,896 --> 00:10:27,826
That you open.
401
00:10:27,827 --> 00:10:28,857
That I...that I open?
402
00:10:28,862 --> 00:10:29,902
Oh, hell, no, I'm not opening
403
00:10:29,896 --> 00:10:30,996
for nobody.
404
00:10:31,000 --> 00:10:31,930
I don't even open my own
405
00:10:31,931 --> 00:10:33,591
damn mail. No.
406
00:10:33,586 --> 00:10:34,586
You know, I've been meaning
407
00:10:34,586 --> 00:10:35,546
to talk to you about that.
408
00:10:35,551 --> 00:10:36,591
You haven't paid me in like
409
00:10:36,586 --> 00:10:37,926
six months, so, if you could,
410
00:10:37,931 --> 00:10:38,901
you know, whoever you have
411
00:10:38,896 --> 00:10:39,966
opening your mail for you,
412
00:10:39,965 --> 00:10:40,855
have them, you know, get the
413
00:10:40,862 --> 00:10:42,002
bills to you and then you sign
414
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:42,930
the checks and--
415
00:10:42,931 --> 00:10:43,861
Today is your lucky day.
416
00:10:43,862 --> 00:10:45,622
[chuckling]
417
00:10:45,620 --> 00:10:46,900
Can an opener get you that?
418
00:10:46,896 --> 00:10:47,996
Hm? Um, what is this?
419
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:49,030
It's a gift.
420
00:10:49,034 --> 00:10:50,144
Why are you wearing a woman's
421
00:10:50,137 --> 00:10:51,207
bracelet?
422
00:10:51,206 --> 00:10:52,026
Why was that casually on
423
00:10:52,034 --> 00:10:53,034
your wrist?
424
00:10:53,034 --> 00:10:53,904
That's definitely not
425
00:10:53,896 --> 00:10:54,716
a woman's bracelet.
426
00:10:54,724 --> 00:10:55,554
It is a woman's bracelet--
427
00:10:55,551 --> 00:10:56,281
It's not.
428
00:10:56,275 --> 00:10:57,165
I've seen this in the women's
429
00:10:57,172 --> 00:10:57,932
department.
430
00:10:57,931 --> 00:10:58,791
Let's just agree to disagree.
431
00:10:58,793 --> 00:10:59,593
Okay, fine.
432
00:10:59,586 --> 00:11:00,546
You know what--here's the thing.
433
00:11:00,551 --> 00:11:01,281
I want you to stop spending.
434
00:11:01,275 --> 00:11:02,135
I've already talked to you
435
00:11:02,137 --> 00:11:02,897
about that.
436
00:11:02,896 --> 00:11:03,686
If it's about spending,
437
00:11:03,689 --> 00:11:04,379
I didn't pay for that.
438
00:11:04,379 --> 00:11:05,169
What are you talking about?
439
00:11:05,172 --> 00:11:06,102
I'm sorry, what?
440
00:11:06,103 --> 00:11:07,003
What do you mean?
441
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:07,720
Listen, stars like me walk
442
00:11:07,724 --> 00:11:08,554
into stores and just take
443
00:11:08,551 --> 00:11:09,411
what we like.
444
00:11:09,413 --> 00:11:10,383
It's called endorsing.
445
00:11:10,379 --> 00:11:11,449
No. No, it's not.
446
00:11:11,448 --> 00:11:12,658
It's actually called Grand
447
00:11:12,655 --> 00:11:13,685
Larceny.
448
00:11:13,689 --> 00:11:14,759
What? It's not Grand Larceny.
449
00:11:14,758 --> 00:11:15,658
What are you talking about?
450
00:11:15,655 --> 00:11:16,685
Okay. Okay, Kevin.
451
00:11:16,689 --> 00:11:17,759
Who were you with when you were
452
00:11:17,758 --> 00:11:18,658
out "endorsing."
453
00:11:18,655 --> 00:11:19,655
No one was with you?
454
00:11:19,655 --> 00:11:20,545
Oh, no, no, no, Chris Rock.
455
00:11:20,551 --> 00:11:21,451
Chris Rock was there.
456
00:11:21,448 --> 00:11:22,588
But he didn't get nearly as much
457
00:11:22,586 --> 00:11:23,546
stuff as I got 'cause he's not
458
00:11:23,551 --> 00:11:24,931
as big a star as me, so...
459
00:11:24,931 --> 00:11:26,451
Okay. All right.
460
00:11:26,448 --> 00:11:28,098
Fine. I understand.
461
00:11:28,103 --> 00:11:29,833
I get it now. It's fine.
462
00:11:29,827 --> 00:11:31,787
Upscale stores often give
463
00:11:31,793 --> 00:11:33,103
celebrities free things,
464
00:11:33,103 --> 00:11:34,553
and it's customary to throw
465
00:11:34,551 --> 00:11:36,451
the friend a bone, also.
466
00:11:36,448 --> 00:11:37,238
I get it now.
467
00:11:37,241 --> 00:11:38,521
Now I understand. Fine.
468
00:11:38,517 --> 00:11:39,307
You had me really nervous there.
469
00:11:39,310 --> 00:11:40,170
You listen and you listen
470
00:11:40,172 --> 00:11:42,142
good--I am nobody's friend.
471
00:11:42,137 --> 00:11:43,517
I'm a star.
472
00:11:43,517 --> 00:11:45,547
I don't get thrown bones.
473
00:11:45,551 --> 00:11:48,341
I throw bones.
474
00:11:48,344 --> 00:11:49,284
I don't need this.
475
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:50,275
What?
476
00:11:50,275 --> 00:11:51,095
Okay, I've offended you.
477
00:11:51,103 --> 00:11:52,003
I'm sorry.
478
00:11:52,000 --> 00:11:52,930
Kevin, where are you going?
479
00:11:52,931 --> 00:11:54,101
Endorsing.
480
00:11:54,103 --> 00:11:56,073
Okay, well...
481
00:11:56,068 --> 00:11:59,688
Did you just steal my mug?
482
00:11:59,689 --> 00:12:02,719
KEVIN: I endorsed it!
483
00:12:02,724 --> 00:12:03,664
That's 1200 right there.
484
00:12:03,655 --> 00:12:04,545
We're walking around Beverly
485
00:12:04,551 --> 00:12:05,451
Hills as if we own the damn
486
00:12:05,448 --> 00:12:06,408
place, do you hear me?
487
00:12:06,413 --> 00:12:07,313
One time, I was with
488
00:12:07,310 --> 00:12:08,240
Vince Vaughn at Tiffany's.
489
00:12:08,241 --> 00:12:09,211
He saw this 10 carat bracelet
490
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:10,406
for his girl.
491
00:12:10,413 --> 00:12:12,413
He had them gift wrap it, talked
492
00:12:12,413 --> 00:12:12,933
out the door, didn't say
493
00:12:12,931 --> 00:12:13,901
nothin'
494
00:12:13,896 --> 00:12:14,406
to them, they didn't say
495
00:12:14,413 --> 00:12:15,003
nothin'
496
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:15,830
to him.
497
00:12:15,827 --> 00:12:16,827
Nobody did.
498
00:12:16,827 --> 00:12:17,687
Really?
499
00:12:17,689 --> 00:12:18,789
That's Vince Vaughn, though.
500
00:12:18,793 --> 00:12:19,723
Have any of you done it?
501
00:12:19,724 --> 00:12:20,974
I've done it.
502
00:12:20,965 --> 00:12:22,095
1997!
503
00:12:22,103 --> 00:12:22,933
Woo!
504
00:12:22,931 --> 00:12:23,831
We're back to vibes.
505
00:12:23,827 --> 00:12:24,827
It was that swing, baby.
506
00:12:24,827 --> 00:12:25,687
That was your error.
507
00:12:25,689 --> 00:12:26,549
Kev, Kev, don't say
508
00:12:26,551 --> 00:12:27,551
[beep] man.
509
00:12:27,551 --> 00:12:28,661
This is the only four months of
510
00:12:28,655 --> 00:12:29,585
his career that he has to talk
511
00:12:29,586 --> 00:12:30,376
about.
512
00:12:30,379 --> 00:12:31,309
Let him live.
513
00:12:31,310 --> 00:12:32,280
Thank you.
514
00:12:32,275 --> 00:12:33,305
You're welcome.
515
00:12:33,310 --> 00:12:34,240
We're at this golf tournament
516
00:12:34,241 --> 00:12:35,171
in Jamaica.
517
00:12:35,172 --> 00:12:36,142
We walk into a pro shop.
518
00:12:36,137 --> 00:12:37,277
Damon Wayans walks in.
519
00:12:37,275 --> 00:12:39,165
They give him $30,000 worth of
520
00:12:39,172 --> 00:12:41,312
gear and they gave me a set of
521
00:12:41,310 --> 00:12:42,340
tailor-made golf clubs.
522
00:12:42,344 --> 00:12:43,344
Crazy!
523
00:12:43,344 --> 00:12:44,694
They threw you a bone.
524
00:12:44,689 --> 00:12:45,719
No, no, tailor-made.
525
00:12:45,724 --> 00:12:47,144
No, they threw you a bone.
526
00:12:47,137 --> 00:12:48,027
What's that?
527
00:12:48,034 --> 00:12:49,004
Well, see, here's the thing.
528
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:50,000
When you're a star, it's one
529
00:12:50,000 --> 00:12:50,860
thing.
530
00:12:50,862 --> 00:12:51,692
But when you're the lackluster
531
00:12:51,689 --> 00:12:52,829
friend... [clicks tongue]
532
00:12:52,827 --> 00:12:53,967
...that would be Chris right
533
00:12:53,965 --> 00:12:54,855
there, they give you a gift,
534
00:12:54,862 --> 00:12:55,552
aka, a bone.
535
00:12:55,551 --> 00:12:56,311
They threw you a bone.
536
00:12:56,310 --> 00:12:57,240
At least I can admit being
537
00:12:57,241 --> 00:12:58,001
thrown a bone.
538
00:12:58,000 --> 00:12:59,000
I don't get thrown bones
539
00:12:59,000 --> 00:12:59,860
'cause I'm a star.
540
00:12:59,862 --> 00:13:00,862
No, you're not a star,
541
00:13:00,862 --> 00:13:01,692
you're popular.
542
00:13:01,689 --> 00:13:02,479
I'm a star.
543
00:13:02,482 --> 00:13:03,382
Look up--you'll see me.
544
00:13:03,379 --> 00:13:04,309
Nobody looks up to see you.
545
00:13:04,310 --> 00:13:05,240
You're like the homecoming
546
00:13:05,241 --> 00:13:06,101
king--there'll be another
547
00:13:06,103 --> 00:13:06,933
[beep] next year.
548
00:13:06,931 --> 00:13:07,971
OTHERS: [laughing]
549
00:13:07,965 --> 00:13:08,855
Oliver! Oliver! Oliver!
550
00:13:08,862 --> 00:13:10,002
Bring that pie over here, man.
551
00:13:10,000 --> 00:13:10,930
KEVIN: That was low.
552
00:13:10,931 --> 00:13:11,861
Man, you guys should have
553
00:13:11,862 --> 00:13:12,722
really hung out the other night.
554
00:13:12,724 --> 00:13:13,624
The man was doin' his thing.
555
00:13:13,620 --> 00:13:14,970
You might be lookin' at the next
556
00:13:14,965 --> 00:13:16,235
Richard right here.
557
00:13:16,241 --> 00:13:17,451
The next Richard Simmons?
558
00:13:17,448 --> 00:13:18,718
Richard Roundtree?
559
00:13:18,724 --> 00:13:20,034
Or maybe he's just a [beep].
560
00:13:20,034 --> 00:13:21,664
OTHERS: Ohhhh...
561
00:13:21,655 --> 00:13:22,895
Now we're done with the B
562
00:13:22,896 --> 00:13:23,786
story, can we get back to
563
00:13:23,793 --> 00:13:25,313
the A story?
564
00:13:25,310 --> 00:13:26,340
Look, I want y'all to meet
565
00:13:26,344 --> 00:13:27,384
me at Sunset Plaza tomorrow.
566
00:13:27,379 --> 00:13:28,339
I'm gonna throw a bunch of you
567
00:13:28,344 --> 00:13:30,004
mitches a bone.
568
00:13:30,000 --> 00:13:31,170
Oliver!
569
00:13:31,172 --> 00:13:32,172
Oliver, that pizza better
570
00:13:32,172 --> 00:13:33,932
not be on that granite!
571
00:13:33,931 --> 00:13:35,171
Kevin is about to be more
572
00:13:35,172 --> 00:13:36,452
embarrassed more than he was
573
00:13:36,448 --> 00:13:37,658
at the "Soul Plane" premiere.
574
00:13:37,655 --> 00:13:40,205
You know, he was the only
575
00:13:40,206 --> 00:13:41,136
one there.
576
00:13:41,137 --> 00:13:45,657
♪
577
00:13:45,655 --> 00:13:46,515
MEN: [laughing]
578
00:13:46,517 --> 00:13:47,477
WAITER: Will there be
579
00:13:47,482 --> 00:13:48,282
anything else?
580
00:13:48,275 --> 00:13:49,065
Yes, there is.
581
00:13:49,068 --> 00:13:49,998
Hey, y'all, your food great?
582
00:13:50,000 --> 00:13:51,000
Y'all get it. Now's the time.
583
00:13:51,000 --> 00:13:51,860
It's my treat, guys.
584
00:13:51,862 --> 00:13:52,792
Hey, I'm good.
585
00:13:52,793 --> 00:13:53,663
Okay, great.
586
00:13:53,655 --> 00:13:54,545
WAITER: Here's your bill.
587
00:13:54,551 --> 00:13:55,341
KEVIN: Thank you.
588
00:13:55,344 --> 00:13:56,174
WAITER: Take your time.
589
00:13:56,172 --> 00:13:57,002
No rush.
590
00:13:57,000 --> 00:13:57,970
I think I'm good. [laughs]
591
00:13:57,965 --> 00:14:00,715
I'm a star. I am a star.
592
00:14:00,724 --> 00:14:01,694
Kev, where you goin'?
593
00:14:01,689 --> 00:14:03,759
Home!
594
00:14:03,758 --> 00:14:05,208
He ran out on the bill.
595
00:14:05,206 --> 00:14:06,096
Uh-oh!
596
00:14:06,103 --> 00:14:06,973
Kev!
597
00:14:06,965 --> 00:14:07,855
Hey!
598
00:14:07,862 --> 00:14:08,762
Mitches get the bitches!
599
00:14:08,758 --> 00:14:09,588
I can't believe it!
600
00:14:09,586 --> 00:14:11,446
Kevin! Kevin! Kevin!
601
00:14:11,448 --> 00:14:15,408
Kevin Hart!
602
00:14:15,413 --> 00:14:17,693
Kevin! Kevin!
603
00:14:17,689 --> 00:14:18,659
You can't leave us in
604
00:14:18,655 --> 00:14:19,515
a restaurant like that, man!
605
00:14:19,517 --> 00:14:20,477
What are you talking about?
606
00:14:20,482 --> 00:14:21,212
I'm a star.
607
00:14:21,206 --> 00:14:22,066
That's not a star.
608
00:14:22,068 --> 00:14:23,068
[Beep] you're a track star.
609
00:14:23,068 --> 00:14:24,068
You just ran out on the bill.
610
00:14:24,068 --> 00:14:25,068
I ain't running out on
611
00:14:25,068 --> 00:14:25,828
no bill.
612
00:14:25,827 --> 00:14:26,717
Who are you? Usain Bolt?
613
00:14:26,724 --> 00:14:27,624
Listen, first of all,
614
00:14:27,620 --> 00:14:29,480
what I did was endorse a meal.
615
00:14:29,482 --> 00:14:30,312
So what you need to say
616
00:14:30,310 --> 00:14:31,280
is thank you, how about that?
617
00:14:31,275 --> 00:14:32,065
Oh, thank you.
618
00:14:32,068 --> 00:14:33,028
No, you dined and ditched.
619
00:14:33,034 --> 00:14:33,834
What?
620
00:14:33,827 --> 00:14:34,787
You dined and ditched, mitch.
621
00:14:34,793 --> 00:14:35,793
Dined and ditched.
622
00:14:35,793 --> 00:14:36,793
No, it's not dining
623
00:14:36,793 --> 00:14:37,593
and ditching.
624
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:38,586
We weren't at a diner and there
625
00:14:38,586 --> 00:14:39,586
was no ditch around--so you're
626
00:14:39,586 --> 00:14:40,406
wrong.
627
00:14:40,413 --> 00:14:41,343
That's a federal offense,
628
00:14:41,344 --> 00:14:42,144
Kevin!
629
00:14:42,137 --> 00:14:43,137
What? Oh, you're crazy.
630
00:14:43,137 --> 00:14:44,137
I'm not goin' to jail for
631
00:14:44,137 --> 00:14:44,967
no damn sandwich!
632
00:14:44,965 --> 00:14:45,895
It's dining and ditching,
633
00:14:45,896 --> 00:14:46,616
by the way.
634
00:14:46,620 --> 00:14:47,620
It's not dining and ditching.
635
00:14:47,620 --> 00:14:48,520
You don't know what you're
636
00:14:48,517 --> 00:14:49,237
talking--
637
00:14:49,241 --> 00:14:50,141
Chris, what's up, baby?
638
00:14:50,137 --> 00:14:51,027
C Rock!
639
00:14:51,034 --> 00:14:52,104
ALL: [cheering]
640
00:14:52,103 --> 00:14:53,283
Hey, what's up, what's up?
641
00:14:53,275 --> 00:14:54,305
[laughing]
642
00:14:54,310 --> 00:14:55,170
What's this?
643
00:14:55,172 --> 00:14:56,102
Where's my name?
644
00:14:56,103 --> 00:14:57,343
Uh, your name right, uh,
645
00:14:57,344 --> 00:14:58,174
right there, man.
646
00:14:58,172 --> 00:14:59,212
Big Rock.
647
00:14:59,206 --> 00:15:00,376
Little Hart.
648
00:15:00,379 --> 00:15:01,339
Ooh, that's good.
649
00:15:01,344 --> 00:15:02,244
I was just at your lawyer,
650
00:15:02,241 --> 00:15:03,171
Trina's.
651
00:15:03,172 --> 00:15:04,282
Even she said you should
652
00:15:04,275 --> 00:15:05,205
open up for me.
653
00:15:05,206 --> 00:15:07,406
What? Did she really?
654
00:15:07,413 --> 00:15:08,453
Yes, she did.
655
00:15:08,448 --> 00:15:09,408
Chris, I'm too big to open
656
00:15:09,413 --> 00:15:10,483
up for you right now.
657
00:15:10,482 --> 00:15:11,412
Oh, come on, man, you ain't
658
00:15:11,413 --> 00:15:12,453
too big for nothin'.
659
00:15:12,448 --> 00:15:13,788
OTHERS: [laughing]
660
00:15:13,793 --> 00:15:14,903
Maybe ten years ago,
661
00:15:14,896 --> 00:15:16,096
that made sense, Chris.
662
00:15:16,103 --> 00:15:17,073
Right now, actually, you're
663
00:15:17,068 --> 00:15:17,998
the third biggest Chris here,
664
00:15:18,000 --> 00:15:19,170
the second biggest Rock.
665
00:15:19,172 --> 00:15:20,172
I love Tony.
666
00:15:20,172 --> 00:15:21,212
[laughing]
667
00:15:21,206 --> 00:15:22,276
Somebody's been writing.
668
00:15:22,275 --> 00:15:23,065
You should use some of them
669
00:15:23,068 --> 00:15:23,898
jokes when you open up for me
670
00:15:23,896 --> 00:15:25,096
on tour.
671
00:15:25,103 --> 00:15:26,523
OTHERS: [laughing]
672
00:15:26,517 --> 00:15:28,617
I'm big, you're hot.
673
00:15:28,620 --> 00:15:30,660
I'm like Prince, you're like...
674
00:15:30,655 --> 00:15:31,655
Trey Songz.
675
00:15:31,655 --> 00:15:32,785
OTHERS: [laughing]
676
00:15:32,793 --> 00:15:33,863
Know what?
677
00:15:33,862 --> 00:15:34,972
I gotta get outta here, Kevin.
678
00:15:34,965 --> 00:15:36,785
I'm doing "Conan" tonight.
679
00:15:36,793 --> 00:15:38,173
It's a White man's show.
680
00:15:38,172 --> 00:15:39,312
Why don't you see what's up
681
00:15:39,310 --> 00:15:40,520
this time and join me, okay?
682
00:15:40,517 --> 00:15:41,477
OTHERS: [laughing]
683
00:15:41,482 --> 00:15:42,342
All right, man,
684
00:15:42,344 --> 00:15:43,174
you take care.
685
00:15:43,172 --> 00:15:44,832
All right, I will take care.
686
00:15:44,827 --> 00:15:45,547
Watch out!
687
00:15:45,551 --> 00:15:46,901
Stop! Chris Rock!
688
00:15:46,896 --> 00:15:47,996
I need your car.
689
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,720
OTHERS: Oooohhh...
690
00:15:49,724 --> 00:15:50,594
Get out.
691
00:15:50,586 --> 00:15:51,516
I got some show business
692
00:15:51,517 --> 00:15:52,447
to take care of.
693
00:15:52,448 --> 00:15:53,278
Did you see that?
694
00:15:53,275 --> 00:15:54,755
Yeah, I saw it.
695
00:15:54,758 --> 00:15:56,308
Yo, Kev, if you can't do
696
00:15:56,310 --> 00:15:58,720
this...you can't close.
697
00:15:58,724 --> 00:16:01,554
OTHERS: [laughing]
698
00:16:01,551 --> 00:16:03,661
Oh!
699
00:16:03,655 --> 00:16:04,715
Damn!
700
00:16:04,724 --> 00:16:05,624
Chris Rock!
701
00:16:05,620 --> 00:16:06,790
Damn!
702
00:16:06,793 --> 00:16:07,903
I can't even do that
703
00:16:07,896 --> 00:16:08,966
and I worked with Scorsese.
704
00:16:08,965 --> 00:16:09,995
Understand something.
705
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:10,900
There's nothing that Chris Rock
706
00:16:10,896 --> 00:16:11,826
can do that I can't do.
707
00:16:11,827 --> 00:16:12,717
Okay, you can't do that.
708
00:16:12,724 --> 00:16:13,974
First of all, I can do that.
709
00:16:13,965 --> 00:16:14,895
Oh, I wanna see this.
710
00:16:14,896 --> 00:16:15,926
Okay, well, guess what
711
00:16:15,931 --> 00:16:17,031
I see--a car that I like.
712
00:16:17,034 --> 00:16:17,974
Come on, let's go pay
713
00:16:17,965 --> 00:16:18,685
the bill.
714
00:16:18,689 --> 00:16:19,999
You go pay the bill!
715
00:16:20,000 --> 00:16:21,000
It's showtime, fellas.
716
00:16:21,000 --> 00:16:21,830
Okay.
717
00:16:21,827 --> 00:16:22,787
Hey, Kev? Kev?
718
00:16:22,793 --> 00:16:23,693
Don't be stupider than what
719
00:16:23,689 --> 00:16:24,589
you already are, man.
720
00:16:24,586 --> 00:16:26,066
Go in, Kev! Go in, Kev!
721
00:16:26,068 --> 00:16:27,168
You can do it!
722
00:16:27,172 --> 00:16:28,072
You're no Chris Rock.
723
00:16:28,068 --> 00:16:28,898
You can do it!
724
00:16:28,896 --> 00:16:31,656
[vehicle horn blaring]
725
00:16:31,655 --> 00:16:34,825
ALL: Damn!!
726
00:16:34,827 --> 00:16:38,857
♪
727
00:16:38,862 --> 00:16:41,862
[vehicle horn blaring]
728
00:16:41,862 --> 00:16:42,622
OTHERS: Oh!!
729
00:16:42,620 --> 00:16:44,280
WorldStar!!
730
00:16:44,275 --> 00:16:45,165
Kevin!
731
00:16:45,172 --> 00:16:46,212
Oh, man!
732
00:16:46,206 --> 00:16:47,236
You okay?
733
00:16:47,241 --> 00:16:48,001
Damn, man, we were supposed to
734
00:16:48,000 --> 00:16:49,140
shoot "Scary Movie 5."
735
00:16:49,137 --> 00:16:50,167
Yeah, man, that car knocked
736
00:16:50,172 --> 00:16:51,592
the [beep] outta you.
737
00:16:51,586 --> 00:16:56,136
Mr. Hart! Mr. Hart!
738
00:16:56,137 --> 00:16:59,097
Can you move your hand?
739
00:16:59,103 --> 00:17:00,833
Oh [beep]!
740
00:17:00,827 --> 00:17:02,167
All right. Okay. Okay.
741
00:17:02,172 --> 00:17:05,552
Get out your money.
742
00:17:05,551 --> 00:17:09,171
You forgot to pay your bill.
743
00:17:09,172 --> 00:17:13,002
♪
744
00:17:13,000 --> 00:17:14,210
WOMAN ANNOUNCING:
745
00:17:14,206 --> 00:17:16,336
Dr. Lawrence, dial 118, please.
746
00:17:16,344 --> 00:17:18,664
KEVIN: [muffled, indistinct]
747
00:17:18,655 --> 00:17:19,475
I'm trying to show you
748
00:17:19,482 --> 00:17:20,452
something.
749
00:17:20,448 --> 00:17:21,478
Show me what?
750
00:17:21,482 --> 00:17:24,242
You are all over the web.
751
00:17:24,241 --> 00:17:25,861
ALL: WorldStar!!
752
00:17:25,862 --> 00:17:27,032
You know what?
753
00:17:27,034 --> 00:17:28,004
JB is such a mitch, man,
754
00:17:28,000 --> 00:17:29,550
seriously.
755
00:17:29,551 --> 00:17:30,691
Oh, look, Chris Rock's
756
00:17:30,689 --> 00:17:31,789
on "Conan."
757
00:17:31,793 --> 00:17:33,693
CONAN: [laughing]
758
00:17:33,689 --> 00:17:34,619
KEVIN: [beep] Chris Rock.
759
00:17:34,620 --> 00:17:35,590
OLIVER: Really?
760
00:17:35,586 --> 00:17:36,586
He's one of the greatest, man.
761
00:17:36,586 --> 00:17:37,546
Stop hatin'.
762
00:17:37,551 --> 00:17:38,621
Where you get off
763
00:17:38,620 --> 00:17:39,520
sayin' that?
764
00:17:39,517 --> 00:17:40,447
So, Chris, tell us about
765
00:17:40,448 --> 00:17:41,338
this new tour.
766
00:17:41,344 --> 00:17:42,314
Well, Conan, I'm glad
767
00:17:42,310 --> 00:17:43,380
you asked.
768
00:17:43,379 --> 00:17:44,479
I'm about to go on a world tour
769
00:17:44,482 --> 00:17:45,762
with Kevin Hart.
770
00:17:45,758 --> 00:17:46,828
Oh, that's terrific.
771
00:17:46,827 --> 00:17:47,717
CHRIS: That's right.
772
00:17:47,724 --> 00:17:49,974
Me and Kev. My man, Kev.
773
00:17:49,965 --> 00:17:51,095
Now, Conan, let me ask you.
774
00:17:51,103 --> 00:17:52,103
Who do you think should be
775
00:17:52,103 --> 00:17:53,343
the headliner?
776
00:17:53,344 --> 00:17:54,934
Well, you, you know?
777
00:17:54,931 --> 00:17:56,141
Kevin became famous like
778
00:17:56,137 --> 00:17:57,517
last week, you know?
779
00:17:57,517 --> 00:17:59,517
AUDIENCE: [laughing]
780
00:17:59,517 --> 00:18:02,477
OLIVER: [laughs]
781
00:18:02,482 --> 00:18:04,032
Kiss my cast, Chris Rock!
782
00:18:04,034 --> 00:18:05,144
You are the first white
783
00:18:05,137 --> 00:18:06,377
person I've met that even knew
784
00:18:06,379 --> 00:18:07,659
who Kevin was.
785
00:18:07,655 --> 00:18:09,095
I had to go on Google--
786
00:18:09,103 --> 00:18:10,243
just now, under the desk.
787
00:18:10,241 --> 00:18:11,281
AUDIENCE: [laughing]
788
00:18:11,275 --> 00:18:12,305
No, you went on Black Google.
789
00:18:12,310 --> 00:18:13,310
I went on Black Google--
790
00:18:13,310 --> 00:18:14,280
which is hard to get.
791
00:18:14,275 --> 00:18:15,655
You was on Boogle.
792
00:18:15,655 --> 00:18:16,755
CONAN: [laughing]
793
00:18:16,758 --> 00:18:17,688
AUDIENCE: [laughing]
794
00:18:17,689 --> 00:18:18,519
Chris, uh, tell me what's up
795
00:18:18,517 --> 00:18:19,377
with you.
796
00:18:19,379 --> 00:18:20,379
How are things with the wife?
797
00:18:20,379 --> 00:18:21,479
Oh, things are great--
798
00:18:21,482 --> 00:18:22,452
'til I bumped into Rihanna
799
00:18:22,448 --> 00:18:23,998
at the airport. Woo!
800
00:18:24,000 --> 00:18:25,000
Okay, now, see, this is
801
00:18:25,000 --> 00:18:26,000
gonna get you in trouble.
802
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:27,000
You realize you're on national
803
00:18:27,000 --> 00:18:27,830
TV right now?
804
00:18:27,827 --> 00:18:29,097
I know I'm on TV, but she's
805
00:18:29,103 --> 00:18:30,723
so fine, I would actually call
806
00:18:30,724 --> 00:18:31,934
my wife, if I slept with her.
807
00:18:31,931 --> 00:18:33,001
CONAN: Wait a minute--
808
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:33,860
you would?
809
00:18:33,862 --> 00:18:34,902
Hey, my wife would be like,
810
00:18:34,896 --> 00:18:35,856
baby, why you smilin'?
811
00:18:35,862 --> 00:18:36,792
I be like...
812
00:18:36,793 --> 00:18:37,973
OLIVER: [mouthing words]
813
00:18:37,965 --> 00:18:39,235
CHRIS: I'm glad you asked.
814
00:18:39,241 --> 00:18:40,341
AUDIENCE: [laughing]
815
00:18:40,344 --> 00:18:42,414
KEVIN: [laughing]
816
00:18:42,413 --> 00:18:43,863
Who's your idol now?
817
00:18:43,862 --> 00:18:45,452
He just stole your damn joke.
818
00:18:45,448 --> 00:18:49,238
No--he endorsed my joke!
819
00:18:49,241 --> 00:18:50,171
Where are you going?
820
00:18:50,172 --> 00:18:51,142
I gotta write this material
821
00:18:51,137 --> 00:18:52,097
for the Big Rock, Little Hart
822
00:18:52,103 --> 00:18:53,143
Tour.
823
00:18:53,137 --> 00:18:54,477
Wait, what about me?
824
00:18:54,482 --> 00:18:55,342
I'll throw you a bone.
825
00:18:55,344 --> 00:18:56,214
Don't worry.
826
00:18:56,206 --> 00:18:57,066
What you talking about?
827
00:18:57,068 --> 00:18:58,278
You'll throw me a--Hey!
828
00:18:58,275 --> 00:18:59,305
Oliver, you better get back here
829
00:18:59,310 --> 00:19:01,410
and change this damn bed pan!
830
00:19:01,413 --> 00:19:03,413
Oliver!
831
00:19:03,413 --> 00:19:04,863
[groaning]
832
00:19:04,862 --> 00:19:07,592
Oliver!
833
00:19:07,586 --> 00:19:08,856
You don't throw me no bones!
834
00:19:08,862 --> 00:19:10,552
I throw you the bones!
835
00:19:10,551 --> 00:19:11,971
I'm the bone collector around
836
00:19:11,965 --> 00:19:15,995
here, you hear me?
837
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:26,410
I don't know where you--Ahhhh!
♪
50203
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