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1
00:00:25,693 --> 00:00:30,738
I used to hide
what my vagina did to my underpants.
2
00:00:30,823 --> 00:00:34,033
And, by the way, what aII vaginas
do to aII underpants, okay?
3
00:00:34,118 --> 00:00:38,204
There is no woman who ends her day
with, like, a clean pair of underpants
4
00:00:38,288 --> 00:00:41,332
that look like they've ever
even come from a store, okay?
5
00:00:41,417 --> 00:00:45,253
They look like little bags
that have fallen face down
6
00:00:45,337 --> 00:00:48,172
in, like, a tub of cream cheese,
7
00:00:48,257 --> 00:00:52,510
and then, like,
commando-crawled their way out.
8
00:00:52,594 --> 00:00:54,971
And then, like, carabinered up,
like, into a crotch.
9
00:00:55,055 --> 00:01:00,852
Like, they're not items
that are for anyone to see.
10
00:01:00,936 --> 00:01:03,855
But now, l'm just like, "Whatever."
11
00:01:03,939 --> 00:01:06,274
You know, l have a human vagina.
12
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:11,863
Okay, who here just saw my face
13
00:01:11,947 --> 00:01:15,700
and thought that they were
at a bagel store in a synagogue?
14
00:01:16,994 --> 00:01:18,202
Who thought that?
15
00:01:18,287 --> 00:01:22,123
Who stared at my face
and thought that l'm the product of
16
00:01:22,207 --> 00:01:25,084
if a menorah fucked Natalie lmbruglia?
17
00:01:26,795 --> 00:01:29,213
But the menorah, like, had me.
You know what I mean?
18
00:01:29,298 --> 00:01:31,466
You know, like when two lesbians
have a baby,
19
00:01:31,550 --> 00:01:32,925
and everyone's like, "They did it!"
20
00:01:33,010 --> 00:01:35,595
And they're like, "But it's really Karen's.
21
00:01:35,679 --> 00:01:37,722
"lt's gonna be husky."
22
00:01:39,933 --> 00:01:42,059
You guys are Iike,
"You're a horribIe woman."
23
00:01:42,144 --> 00:01:44,937
But Iet me teII you, I agree. I agree.
24
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:49,233
l, surprisingly, am not alone in my life.
25
00:01:49,318 --> 00:01:51,402
l have a boyfriend.
26
00:01:52,237 --> 00:01:53,529
Yeah, he's cool.
27
00:01:53,614 --> 00:01:56,157
He's got a, you know, working dick.
28
00:01:58,327 --> 00:02:00,953
Yeah, he's a human male. l'll put it that way.
29
00:02:01,497 --> 00:02:05,625
But I'm stiII honking down on that D
when I need to.
30
00:02:05,709 --> 00:02:07,418
LiteraIIy, onIy when I need to.
31
00:02:07,503 --> 00:02:09,253
Like, it's not that I don't Iike doing it.
32
00:02:09,338 --> 00:02:12,590
lt's just that, after a while,
it just becomes a step towards,
33
00:02:12,674 --> 00:02:15,092
like, getting rhythmically banged out
34
00:02:15,177 --> 00:02:18,304
until your worries can go away,
and you can pass out for eight hours.
35
00:02:18,388 --> 00:02:20,473
That's sort of where we're at.
36
00:02:20,557 --> 00:02:23,601
Functional. Functional, you know.
We've worked out all the kinks.
37
00:02:24,728 --> 00:02:28,523
Man, I think I just heard
his heart stop beating.
38
00:02:29,566 --> 00:02:33,569
When we first started dating,
my butthoIe was so scared,
39
00:02:33,654 --> 00:02:36,531
you know, that it might, like,
lose the chance at romance,
40
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:39,367
that it was just like, "Everyone, shut down,"
and it was like...
41
00:02:40,619 --> 00:02:43,955
But then when he would, like,
leave my apartment, l would be like,
42
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,623
"Good night,"
43
00:02:45,707 --> 00:02:48,876
and pretend to be so confident
in everything that just happened.
44
00:02:48,961 --> 00:02:49,961
Even though l was like,
45
00:02:50,045 --> 00:02:53,798
"Was that cool when l did that?
Was that cool when l did that?"
46
00:02:53,882 --> 00:02:57,885
Then l would just masturbate to my worries
until he came back.
47
00:03:00,222 --> 00:03:05,434
l would just shut the door and, like, stand
there for a minute and then just be like...
48
00:03:07,813 --> 00:03:09,438
"No, no, no. Don't you be your oId seIf."
49
00:03:09,523 --> 00:03:11,607
And then it would be like,
"But it feels so good. l gotta..."
50
00:03:11,692 --> 00:03:14,527
That's my butthole's voice. "l gotta be me!
51
00:03:14,611 --> 00:03:16,737
"l gotta be me!"
52
00:03:16,822 --> 00:03:18,906
And then it would just be like...
53
00:03:23,245 --> 00:03:24,787
That's me waIking up my stairs.
54
00:03:26,748 --> 00:03:28,666
Anyone need a barf bag?
55
00:03:34,715 --> 00:03:35,715
-Hey.
-Hi, sweetie.
56
00:03:35,799 --> 00:03:37,717
-How's it going?
-Good.
57
00:03:37,801 --> 00:03:40,511
Am l having a stroke,
or does this soap smell like popcorn?
58
00:03:40,596 --> 00:03:43,514
-You're not having a stroke.
-Good.
59
00:03:43,599 --> 00:03:47,143
lt just smells like your hand, you know.
Smells normal.
60
00:03:47,227 --> 00:03:49,437
A couple of other people
are going to another bar,
61
00:03:49,521 --> 00:03:52,064
and l know that
you don't like leaving the radius,
62
00:03:52,149 --> 00:03:55,318
but l really wanna go and have, like,
one, two, one million more drinks.
63
00:03:55,402 --> 00:03:57,320
Yeah, l don't think l can go.
64
00:03:57,821 --> 00:04:01,324
Okay. Do you wanna just go home,
and we can finish that documentary about...
65
00:04:01,408 --> 00:04:05,286
Things have been kind of fucked up
between us lately, you know?
66
00:04:10,542 --> 00:04:13,711
And then you go,
and you talk about it up there.
67
00:04:13,795 --> 00:04:17,548
lt's just a very weird feeling for me.
68
00:04:17,633 --> 00:04:19,467
Are you still mad at me about last night?
69
00:04:19,551 --> 00:04:21,344
-No.
-'Cause l told you that l didn't feel well,
70
00:04:21,428 --> 00:04:24,221
because l ate street meat
from the cart at work.
71
00:04:24,306 --> 00:04:27,767
And also, you just said you didn't do
the thing that l wanna do, and l'm not...
72
00:04:27,851 --> 00:04:29,518
l've been sleeping with Kate.
73
00:04:32,147 --> 00:04:33,397
What?
74
00:04:33,982 --> 00:04:37,234
You know, we can't lie to you anymore.
75
00:04:37,319 --> 00:04:41,572
You're, like, a we? You guys are a we? No.
76
00:04:45,410 --> 00:04:47,453
l wanted to tell you sooner.
77
00:04:47,537 --> 00:04:52,541
But you're here all the time.
Your schedule is all over the place.
78
00:04:52,626 --> 00:04:54,794
We never talk or anything!
79
00:04:54,878 --> 00:04:57,880
l'm at your house every other night.
80
00:05:00,342 --> 00:05:02,677
Why are you... Stop looking at your phone
while you're dumping me!
81
00:05:02,761 --> 00:05:04,762
ls she calling you? ls she asking you,
"Have you dumped her yet?"
82
00:05:04,846 --> 00:05:05,888
No.
83
00:05:05,973 --> 00:05:07,640
-Or are you just such a dick...
-Sorry.
84
00:05:07,724 --> 00:05:09,809
...that you're looking at your phone
while you're dumping me?
85
00:05:09,893 --> 00:05:11,310
l just don't know where to look.
86
00:05:11,395 --> 00:05:15,773
You don't know where to look?
Well, this is probably a good area.
87
00:05:58,275 --> 00:05:59,984
Hi, Ryan.
88
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:06,073
l don't know if you're getting my messages,
but l really need to talk.
89
00:06:09,411 --> 00:06:11,412
l'm sorry. l didn't hear the...
90
00:06:11,496 --> 00:06:14,832
l don't care about the beep!
91
00:06:15,333 --> 00:06:20,254
l am also sorry that
you cannot get to the phone!
92
00:06:29,431 --> 00:06:31,265
Kate has HPV.
93
00:06:31,349 --> 00:06:35,227
The kind of HPV
where you get warts on your stuff
94
00:06:36,772 --> 00:06:39,148
and ovarian cancer.
95
00:06:39,232 --> 00:06:42,401
There's a lot of other stuff l could say,
but l'm a lady.
96
00:06:42,486 --> 00:06:46,655
Yeah, and then she dies of cancer,
and you're stuck with the bill, so...
97
00:06:46,740 --> 00:06:51,452
I just wanted to apoIogize for the voicemaiI
that I just Ieft on your voicemaiI.
98
00:06:51,536 --> 00:06:54,246
And l also wanted to say, "Psych!"
99
00:06:56,416 --> 00:06:57,750
Have a great Iife!
100
00:06:57,834 --> 00:07:02,838
l'll be here with my normal HPV
that one in four nice women have.
101
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:08,302
And there wiII not be an apoIogy message
for this apoIogy message. Goodbye.
102
00:07:31,993 --> 00:07:34,995
-You okay?
-Nellie!
103
00:07:35,664 --> 00:07:38,415
You look like a lez
who just got back from Birthright.
104
00:07:38,500 --> 00:07:39,500
Move.
105
00:07:39,584 --> 00:07:42,044
These clogs are yours.
106
00:07:42,129 --> 00:07:44,255
Ryan always hated my clogs.
107
00:07:44,339 --> 00:07:47,133
Well, l guess
that doesn't matter anymore, huh?
108
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,884
You got my texts?
109
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,887
l did do. l'm sorry.
110
00:07:52,848 --> 00:07:54,682
Do you want to talk about it?
111
00:07:55,433 --> 00:07:56,892
Okay.
112
00:07:56,977 --> 00:07:59,311
You're in shock.
We don't have to talk about it.
113
00:07:59,396 --> 00:08:01,772
l always thought that
Ryan was attracted to Kate,
114
00:08:01,857 --> 00:08:05,067
but then l just told myself
l was being insecure and jealous.
115
00:08:05,152 --> 00:08:07,278
And now, all my worst fears have come true.
116
00:08:07,362 --> 00:08:08,487
That's not what happened.
117
00:08:08,572 --> 00:08:11,907
What happened is he's a piece of shit,
and she's a little bitch.
118
00:08:11,992 --> 00:08:14,493
-l love you.
-l love you, too.
119
00:08:15,370 --> 00:08:16,495
Come on up here.
120
00:08:16,580 --> 00:08:18,789
-You know l'd take a bullet for you, right?
-l know.
121
00:08:18,874 --> 00:08:21,584
-Right into my heart.
-l know.
122
00:08:21,668 --> 00:08:26,046
-Nellie, you're so sweet and nice and pretty.
-Okay.
123
00:08:26,131 --> 00:08:28,966
You gonna be okay?
Do you want me to sleep in here with you?
124
00:08:29,050 --> 00:08:33,387
l can't do that to you, because
l'm about to turn this bed into a fart pod.
125
00:08:33,889 --> 00:08:35,222
Okay.
126
00:08:35,307 --> 00:08:38,225
That sounds too cozy for me.
127
00:08:38,310 --> 00:08:40,853
-All right, l love you.
-l love you.
128
00:08:52,574 --> 00:08:54,241
-Donna.
-Shit, Gene.
129
00:08:54,326 --> 00:08:56,660
l'm sorry. l'm sorry. l'm sorry.
l didn't mean to scare you.
130
00:08:56,745 --> 00:09:00,998
No, l'm sorry.
l haven't been sleeping very well.
131
00:09:01,082 --> 00:09:02,750
Listen, Donna,
132
00:09:03,460 --> 00:09:05,544
there's something that
l need to talk to you about.
133
00:09:05,629 --> 00:09:07,671
No, no, no. l already called the plumber.
We're just...
134
00:09:07,756 --> 00:09:09,506
We're all gonna have
to use the bathroom on Sixth
135
00:09:09,591 --> 00:09:12,718
-for, like, a few days.
-lt's not that. lt's...
136
00:09:12,802 --> 00:09:15,763
Well, there's no easy way to spit this out.
137
00:09:17,933 --> 00:09:22,019
The landlord's kicking us out.
We have six weeks.
138
00:09:22,103 --> 00:09:23,187
What?
139
00:09:23,271 --> 00:09:24,939
They're closing the store.
140
00:09:25,357 --> 00:09:29,193
That's crazy! That's disgusting!
This place is like a New York institution!
141
00:09:29,277 --> 00:09:30,611
You've been here five years.
142
00:09:31,446 --> 00:09:33,113
l've been here for 30.
143
00:09:33,949 --> 00:09:36,617
Sometimes we just have to let go
of the things we love.
144
00:09:36,701 --> 00:09:40,537
That's really easy for you to say,
'cause you're gonna move to Woodstock,
145
00:09:40,622 --> 00:09:45,084
and, like, buy a bunch of wick and candles
and just, like, chill out all day.
146
00:09:45,168 --> 00:09:47,920
Hey, that sounds pretty nice.
l think l will do that.
147
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:50,923
Listen, change is good, Donna.
148
00:09:51,007 --> 00:09:54,969
Man, that's, like, the rudest thing
you've ever said to me.
149
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:03,686
You know, that Ryan,
he was not a gentleman.
150
00:10:03,770 --> 00:10:06,689
Okay. Well, l'm gonna call him right now,
and l'm gonna tell him that you said that.
151
00:10:06,773 --> 00:10:08,691
You're not gonna waste
one valuable moment
152
00:10:08,775 --> 00:10:10,985
of your young precious life
mourning that boy.
153
00:10:11,069 --> 00:10:12,486
l'm a mess.
154
00:10:12,570 --> 00:10:15,364
l can't even be in public
without bursting into tears.
155
00:10:15,448 --> 00:10:17,283
And l think l've cried on every train line.
156
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,367
Oh, baby.
157
00:10:18,451 --> 00:10:21,870
You know, when your mom and l split up,
l thought my life was over.
158
00:10:21,955 --> 00:10:23,914
You know what saved me?
159
00:10:23,999 --> 00:10:26,208
A long walk with your Uncle Jim.
160
00:10:26,293 --> 00:10:30,337
We walked, we talked,
and we talked about life, and spirituality,
161
00:10:30,422 --> 00:10:33,215
and identity and racism.
162
00:10:33,300 --> 00:10:35,050
And by the time the sun came up,
163
00:10:35,135 --> 00:10:38,345
-we had the premise for our first TV show.
-"We had the premise for our first TV show."
164
00:10:38,430 --> 00:10:39,847
We did.
165
00:10:40,849 --> 00:10:43,517
-That smells good.
-Pasghetti.
166
00:10:43,601 --> 00:10:46,603
-Your favorite sauce, extra honey.
-Extra honey.
167
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,314
l can eat this.
168
00:10:49,566 --> 00:10:54,820
You know, creative energy sometimes
comes from the lowest point in your life.
169
00:10:54,904 --> 00:10:59,116
But, Dad, you had a partner
to do all of that with.
170
00:10:59,200 --> 00:11:02,619
l'm just up there alone by myself
just beating myself up.
171
00:11:02,704 --> 00:11:07,875
Well, negativity will either be
your best friend or your worst enemy.
172
00:11:07,959 --> 00:11:10,419
How do you want to approach your fears?
173
00:11:10,503 --> 00:11:12,046
Tylenol PM.
174
00:11:12,672 --> 00:11:15,049
No. Living.
175
00:11:15,133 --> 00:11:17,968
Living is the best revenge.
176
00:11:18,053 --> 00:11:21,096
So eat up, and then when we're finished,
you're gonna go visit your mom.
177
00:11:21,181 --> 00:11:22,723
She's worried about you.
178
00:11:22,807 --> 00:11:23,974
You guys need to know
179
00:11:24,059 --> 00:11:26,727
there are some children out there
who don't talk to their parents for months.
180
00:11:26,811 --> 00:11:28,979
-Like, even on the telephone.
-Really? Really?
181
00:11:29,064 --> 00:11:30,064
Not my child.
182
00:11:32,025 --> 00:11:33,859
-Okay.
-Thank you.
183
00:11:34,402 --> 00:11:36,695
You're an aberration.
184
00:11:36,780 --> 00:11:38,530
You're all wrong.
185
00:11:38,615 --> 00:11:39,990
You're the weird one.
186
00:11:41,618 --> 00:11:44,495
You're so pretty.
Nowjust hold up, just for a second.
187
00:11:44,579 --> 00:11:47,581
-Are you proud of me?
-l'm very proud of you.
188
00:12:01,971 --> 00:12:05,349
You know, an ex-student of mine
started a temp agency.
189
00:12:05,433 --> 00:12:08,143
They specialize in placing people
in the entertainment world.
190
00:12:08,228 --> 00:12:09,478
Pass the duck sauce.
191
00:12:09,562 --> 00:12:12,606
You're about to lose your income.
You don't seem the least bit concerned.
192
00:12:12,690 --> 00:12:15,109
l'm terrified, Mom.
Believe me, l very much am.
193
00:12:15,193 --> 00:12:18,195
But l'm not going to work
for one of your business school students.
194
00:12:18,279 --> 00:12:21,365
You're almost 30 years old.
You still don't know how to do your taxes.
195
00:12:21,449 --> 00:12:26,662
l'm a couple of years away from 30,
and nobody knows how to do their taxes.
196
00:12:26,746 --> 00:12:29,957
Have you spoken to your agent
about booking any commercial work?
197
00:12:30,041 --> 00:12:33,460
You know, l haven't, because recently,
she put her entire body into her oven.
198
00:12:35,463 --> 00:12:37,214
You're never serious.
199
00:12:37,674 --> 00:12:40,342
l will use TurboTax this year, okay?
200
00:12:40,427 --> 00:12:42,136
Hand me the plate.
201
00:12:42,929 --> 00:12:47,015
Well, l don't know if you've noticed, but
l'm in kind of an emotional crisis right now.
202
00:12:47,100 --> 00:12:48,809
l know you're going through
some pain right now,
203
00:12:48,893 --> 00:12:51,061
but you're always gonna be
going through something.
204
00:12:51,146 --> 00:12:52,271
l haven't borrowed money from you
in months.
205
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:55,065
And l just did that commercial
for the organic douche,
206
00:12:55,150 --> 00:12:56,984
which is gonna be a real boon to my image.
207
00:12:57,068 --> 00:12:59,403
Well, l'm glad you did the douche job.
The douche paid well.
208
00:12:59,487 --> 00:13:01,071
Definitely, stop saying "douche."
209
00:13:01,156 --> 00:13:04,658
There are other things in your life you could
afford to be a little more selective about.
210
00:13:04,742 --> 00:13:06,410
Your next beau, for example.
211
00:13:06,494 --> 00:13:11,039
l'll never forget that brunch
when he told us his SAT scores.
212
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:14,585
Mom, really, a lot of people
aren't good test-takers.
213
00:13:14,669 --> 00:13:17,463
You were.
And now you waste that 780 verbal
214
00:13:17,547 --> 00:13:20,132
on telling jokes
about having diarrhea in your pants.
215
00:13:38,193 --> 00:13:39,359
Fuck it.
216
00:13:43,531 --> 00:13:45,908
l'll take three more sips,
217
00:13:45,992 --> 00:13:49,536
and if he doesn't come out, then l'll go.
218
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,394
l'll take two more sips, actually.
219
00:14:14,479 --> 00:14:21,068
And if the lady in the tan jacket
crosses the street on the second sip,
220
00:14:21,152 --> 00:14:23,987
then that means that l should go home.
221
00:14:36,918 --> 00:14:38,335
Motherfucker.
222
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:47,970
What are you doing? What am l doing?
223
00:14:48,054 --> 00:14:50,681
Just go home to your house.
224
00:14:52,934 --> 00:14:54,268
Fuck!
225
00:15:04,112 --> 00:15:06,113
They have a fucking dog.
226
00:15:07,156 --> 00:15:08,407
What were you doing?
227
00:15:08,491 --> 00:15:10,867
Just out doing some light stalking.
228
00:15:10,952 --> 00:15:12,494
No!
229
00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:14,371
What is wrong with me?
230
00:15:14,455 --> 00:15:17,749
Nothing. Nothing is wrong with you.
231
00:15:18,293 --> 00:15:19,960
How did l not know?
232
00:15:20,044 --> 00:15:22,504
Those two are sociopaths.
233
00:15:23,006 --> 00:15:25,257
This is my fault.
234
00:15:25,341 --> 00:15:29,011
l never should have talked about
our relationship in my act.
235
00:15:29,095 --> 00:15:32,306
No, fuck that noise.
You know what is so great about you?
236
00:15:33,016 --> 00:15:35,058
l'm good at folding the laundry?
237
00:15:35,143 --> 00:15:37,102
No, sweetie,
you're terrible at folding the laundry.
238
00:15:37,186 --> 00:15:38,729
What is so great about you is that
239
00:15:38,813 --> 00:15:41,565
you are unapologetically yourself
on that stage every time,
240
00:15:41,649 --> 00:15:43,150
and that's why people love you.
241
00:15:43,985 --> 00:15:45,235
Listen, l'm not gonna let
242
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:48,322
that mouth-breather
and fucking bag of bones bring you down.
243
00:15:50,450 --> 00:15:53,577
-She's actually my target weight.
-That is gross.
244
00:16:22,690 --> 00:16:27,819
l guess comedy is supposed to be honest.
So let me just tell you a little bit about me.
245
00:16:27,904 --> 00:16:31,114
As they say,
l like my men the way l like my coffee.
246
00:16:31,616 --> 00:16:33,492
Disgusting,
247
00:16:33,576 --> 00:16:37,371
like, very weak and bitter,
248
00:16:38,956 --> 00:16:42,000
and cold, not sweet at all.
249
00:16:42,752 --> 00:16:45,796
Very gritty on the bottom as well.
lf you know coffee like that,
250
00:16:45,880 --> 00:16:48,965
l'm just like, "What is your number?"
251
00:16:50,051 --> 00:16:52,928
And now that we're all picturing
a very filthy bottom,
252
00:16:53,012 --> 00:16:56,306
l think it's time to bring one to the stage.
253
00:16:56,391 --> 00:16:58,642
And she's my best friend in the entire world.
254
00:16:58,726 --> 00:17:01,478
l think you guys are gonna love her
just as much as l do.
255
00:17:01,562 --> 00:17:04,898
Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern!
256
00:17:06,901 --> 00:17:08,193
Yeah!
257
00:17:09,487 --> 00:17:10,779
Here we go.
258
00:17:10,863 --> 00:17:12,656
-Everything cool?
-No.
259
00:17:15,451 --> 00:17:17,619
l love that guy.
260
00:17:18,579 --> 00:17:21,289
Okay. l was in the bathroom
261
00:17:21,374 --> 00:17:24,710
'cause that is all that l have left.
262
00:17:26,921 --> 00:17:28,255
Does it count as exercise
263
00:17:28,339 --> 00:17:34,052
if you are just squeezing your body
all the time super-hard, super-tight,
264
00:17:34,137 --> 00:17:35,762
'cause you're just crying so hard?
265
00:17:35,847 --> 00:17:37,264
Does that make sense to any of you?
266
00:17:38,558 --> 00:17:40,100
That was a rhetorical question.
267
00:17:41,310 --> 00:17:43,145
l should probably turn around, right?
268
00:17:43,229 --> 00:17:44,229
No shit!
269
00:17:44,313 --> 00:17:46,314
Okay. All right.
270
00:17:46,399 --> 00:17:49,735
"No shit" yourself, sir. lt's a swear. Rude.
271
00:17:51,779 --> 00:17:56,700
ln case you can't tell
from my deep, deep ridges on my face,
272
00:17:57,869 --> 00:18:04,791
l was recently dumped up with
by a human male who is still alive.
273
00:18:04,876 --> 00:18:07,961
So, good for him.
274
00:18:08,045 --> 00:18:11,590
l feel like when someone does
something bad, they should just die.
275
00:18:11,674 --> 00:18:16,845
But instead, we die a slow death
and watch their happiness bloom.
276
00:18:21,517 --> 00:18:23,310
Doctor's orders.
277
00:18:30,818 --> 00:18:35,238
My very nice close friend
who's such a nice person
278
00:18:35,323 --> 00:18:37,866
decided to fuck my boyfriend.
279
00:18:37,950 --> 00:18:40,577
l would love to just murder-suicide them.
280
00:18:40,870 --> 00:18:42,954
A lot of people say l look like Anne Frank.
281
00:18:43,039 --> 00:18:45,916
l would never have survived the Holocaust.
That's for sure.
282
00:18:46,000 --> 00:18:48,251
lf you were cool, this could be art.
283
00:18:48,336 --> 00:18:50,128
Or if l were cool.
284
00:18:50,213 --> 00:18:52,839
ls this not working for you?
Do you want your money back?
285
00:18:52,924 --> 00:18:54,007
'Cause the show is free.
286
00:18:54,091 --> 00:18:56,593
l want my life back,
but l can't get it back 'cause it's ruined.
287
00:18:56,677 --> 00:18:58,678
So that is a cost l have incurred.
288
00:18:58,763 --> 00:19:01,681
l'll share more. l'll share more.
You guys seem to be fucking loving it.
289
00:19:01,766 --> 00:19:05,227
Full-blown affair, you know?
Like, who is she? Like, Faye Dunaway?
290
00:19:05,311 --> 00:19:06,937
You know what l mean?
lt's, like, "Cool move."
291
00:19:07,021 --> 00:19:09,648
This kind of thing makes you think
l'm pretty good at fucking, right?
292
00:19:09,732 --> 00:19:13,318
lt's 'cause she's one of
those fucking girls with a thread count.
293
00:19:13,402 --> 00:19:17,989
This place is a fucking shithole.
So l'm really glad to be on your roster.
294
00:19:18,074 --> 00:19:21,451
She's just going up and down
on his dick so slowly
295
00:19:21,536 --> 00:19:24,913
so that he knows exactly
how blonde her pussy is.
296
00:19:24,997 --> 00:19:27,874
Then l just come in,
and l murder-sui everything,
297
00:19:27,959 --> 00:19:30,794
and then she gets stains on her sheets.
298
00:19:34,173 --> 00:19:36,800
But anyhow...
299
00:19:38,219 --> 00:19:41,346
-That was the worst.
-lt wasn't that bad.
300
00:19:42,014 --> 00:19:45,267
Okay, don't get me wrong. lt was horrible.
301
00:19:45,351 --> 00:19:47,727
But it wasn't the worst comedy
l've ever seen.
302
00:19:47,812 --> 00:19:51,106
That was not comedy.
That was not even a performance.
303
00:19:51,190 --> 00:19:52,899
That was not even performance art.
304
00:19:53,234 --> 00:19:56,152
l think a lot of people learned
a lot about the Holocaust tonight.
305
00:19:57,488 --> 00:20:00,323
You know what the saddest thing
about this whole terrible story is?
306
00:20:00,408 --> 00:20:04,619
lt's that not only did Kate fuck my boyfriend
and ruin that area of my life,
307
00:20:04,704 --> 00:20:05,829
but now l can't even do standup,
308
00:20:05,913 --> 00:20:08,206
which was the one thing about me
that made me better than her.
309
00:20:08,291 --> 00:20:10,834
l hate how much you're focusing
on Kate in all of this.
310
00:20:10,918 --> 00:20:13,670
lf you're about to defend her right now,
l'm gonna turn into a pile of dust.
311
00:20:13,754 --> 00:20:16,464
All l'm saying is, like,
she didn't trick Ryan into fucking her.
312
00:20:16,549 --> 00:20:18,091
He's a fucking asshole.
313
00:20:20,386 --> 00:20:24,681
Okay. Well, this experience
has been so cool for me.
314
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:26,933
But l have to go home,
and put on my sweatpants,
315
00:20:27,018 --> 00:20:29,102
and try and hold my breath until l die.
316
00:20:29,186 --> 00:20:32,439
No! You have to stay here and drink with me.
We're getting wasted. Here, l'm paying.
317
00:20:36,444 --> 00:20:39,988
Hi. Can l get two Jacks and Cokes, please?
318
00:20:49,790 --> 00:20:52,125
You're really lasering into me
with your peepy missiles there.
319
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:53,710
What?
320
00:20:55,212 --> 00:20:59,257
l said that you were lasering into me
with your peepy missiles.
321
00:21:00,134 --> 00:21:02,218
Are my eyes my peepy missiles?
322
00:21:02,303 --> 00:21:03,720
l'm not a doctor.
323
00:21:03,804 --> 00:21:05,847
Yeah, sorry, sorry.
324
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:08,600
Both those drinks for you?
325
00:21:09,518 --> 00:21:11,895
Are both those faces yours?
326
00:21:12,813 --> 00:21:15,565
No, l crashed and burned this conversation.
327
00:21:15,650 --> 00:21:18,151
No! No, no, no. No, you're not. Come on.
No, it's okay.
328
00:21:18,653 --> 00:21:21,196
Man, slip-ons?
329
00:21:21,280 --> 00:21:22,405
What's wrong with slip-ons?
330
00:21:22,490 --> 00:21:24,199
lt's the winter!
331
00:21:24,283 --> 00:21:25,909
These are an all-purpose shoe.
332
00:21:25,993 --> 00:21:28,244
For all purposes inside of your frat house
333
00:21:28,329 --> 00:21:31,456
where everyone's going ping-pong,
and throwing quarters at each other's butts,
334
00:21:31,540 --> 00:21:34,417
and throwing their house out
at the end of the year.
335
00:21:34,502 --> 00:21:37,754
Yeah. Well, you know, that's what they say,
"Go to Williamsburg."
336
00:21:37,838 --> 00:21:41,466
"Welcome to Brooklyn where
they judge you by your shoes." lt's great.
337
00:21:41,550 --> 00:21:44,594
This isn't Williamsburg, Virginia?
338
00:21:44,679 --> 00:21:48,223
My God! l've been in the wrong
Williamsburg for this whole time, man.
339
00:21:48,307 --> 00:21:50,600
Yeah. No, l haven't been to Virginia,
but this is not it.
340
00:21:50,685 --> 00:21:51,685
l have.
341
00:21:51,769 --> 00:21:52,811
-You have?
-Yeah.
342
00:21:52,895 --> 00:21:56,189
l went to Virginia on a class trip
with my science teacher,
343
00:21:56,273 --> 00:21:59,109
because l'm a city kid, so they wanted
to take us to go see, like, the country.
344
00:21:59,193 --> 00:22:01,194
And she knew where
this horse had died in a field.
345
00:22:01,278 --> 00:22:04,698
She wanted to dig it up
so that we could see its skeleton.
346
00:22:04,782 --> 00:22:07,200
But when we dug it up,
it hadn't even decomposed at all,
347
00:22:07,284 --> 00:22:08,952
'cause that takes, like, a very long time.
348
00:22:09,036 --> 00:22:12,122
And, you know, it had worms on its face.
349
00:22:12,206 --> 00:22:14,958
That teacher should be put away.
That's awful.
350
00:22:15,042 --> 00:22:17,544
-We murdered her that day in that field.
-Stop, it's...
351
00:22:18,295 --> 00:22:20,922
That's the only conclusion.
That's the only thing that could happen.
352
00:22:21,007 --> 00:22:23,800
No, but... You know, she was like...
And all the children ran away.
353
00:22:23,884 --> 00:22:27,429
But l just stayed, and l looked
at its sleeping face, you know.
354
00:22:27,513 --> 00:22:30,306
-That's a lot of story.
-Yeah, it is.
355
00:22:30,391 --> 00:22:33,143
-l like your shirt.
-Thank you.
356
00:22:34,186 --> 00:22:36,312
This nice shirt's name is Max.
357
00:22:36,397 --> 00:22:38,773
Hey. This lady's name is Donna.
358
00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:41,317
And my shirt's name is Brenda.
359
00:22:41,402 --> 00:22:43,611
-She's a loudmouth.
-Great.
360
00:22:43,696 --> 00:22:46,239
Hi, Brenda. Hi, Donna.
361
00:22:46,949 --> 00:22:49,409
Seemed like you waved more at Brenda.
362
00:22:50,411 --> 00:22:53,997
So, Max, how did you end up here tonight?
363
00:22:54,915 --> 00:22:57,292
Clients. l'm here with some clients.
364
00:22:57,376 --> 00:23:00,045
l work for a computer company.
365
00:23:00,129 --> 00:23:05,341
We design a program that basically,
if you're, like, playing a multiplayer game,
366
00:23:05,426 --> 00:23:08,178
people all over the world,
it's like you're actually playing it live.
367
00:23:08,262 --> 00:23:10,346
So, it's like a phone call,
and it's like you're really...
368
00:23:10,431 --> 00:23:11,514
-So it's like a phone call.
-Connected.
369
00:23:11,599 --> 00:23:13,683
-l've made phone calls. That's cool.
-Yeah, yeah.
370
00:23:13,768 --> 00:23:15,810
So imagine that, but with a video game.
371
00:23:15,895 --> 00:23:17,937
You pick up the phone, and you're like,
372
00:23:18,022 --> 00:23:21,316
"Hi, is computer there?" And it's like,
"l'll connect you to video game"?
373
00:23:21,400 --> 00:23:24,694
Yep, it's somewhere in there, yeah.
374
00:23:24,779 --> 00:23:26,863
But one of their wives
heard about this place.
375
00:23:26,947 --> 00:23:29,657
So here we are. ls there comedy in the back?
376
00:23:29,742 --> 00:23:30,950
-Yeah.
-No.
377
00:23:31,035 --> 00:23:34,037
Actually, l had just hosted a show
back there, and Donna performed.
378
00:23:34,121 --> 00:23:36,706
-You didn't catch any?
-No, l couldn't find the room.
379
00:23:36,791 --> 00:23:38,083
That's a bummer.
380
00:23:38,167 --> 00:23:40,251
-'Cause she was amazing tonight.
-You know what? Thank you.
381
00:23:40,336 --> 00:23:41,920
Like, she's always great,
382
00:23:42,004 --> 00:23:45,131
but, like, tonight, l would say,
she was, like, particularly on point.
383
00:23:45,216 --> 00:23:47,383
-lnteresting.
-Congrats. That's awesome.
384
00:23:47,468 --> 00:23:48,718
You do this a lot?
385
00:23:48,803 --> 00:23:50,512
Yeah, it's a habit.
386
00:23:50,596 --> 00:23:52,972
Okay. All right.
387
00:23:55,309 --> 00:23:56,935
Another round?
You want to do another round?
388
00:23:57,019 --> 00:23:58,311
Yeah. Sure.
389
00:23:58,395 --> 00:23:59,979
l'll try it. l'll try drinking.
390
00:24:00,064 --> 00:24:01,147
Okay.
391
00:24:01,232 --> 00:24:03,483
-Perfect timing.
-Okay, okay.
392
00:24:03,567 --> 00:24:05,485
All right. On it.
393
00:24:09,782 --> 00:24:12,283
He is hot, bro!
394
00:24:12,368 --> 00:24:16,287
Yes, he is, but he's, like, so Christian.
He's like a Christmas tree.
395
00:24:16,372 --> 00:24:18,581
So be the fucking angel on top.
Who gives a shit?
396
00:24:18,666 --> 00:24:21,960
l'm not the angel on top. l'm the menorah
on top of the tree that burns it down.
397
00:24:22,336 --> 00:24:26,172
And they're like, "Shouldn't have
had that menorah on top of me."
398
00:24:26,966 --> 00:24:29,217
-He, like, knows Santa.
-Sit on him.
399
00:24:29,635 --> 00:24:31,761
"Santa, can you help me
forget my memories?"
400
00:24:31,846 --> 00:24:35,723
-Yes, exactly. Now you get it.
-l don't think so. That's not...
401
00:24:35,808 --> 00:24:39,102
l'm from a small little town in Vermont.
402
00:24:40,563 --> 00:24:44,399
My grammar school was in a barn.
How cool is that?
403
00:24:44,775 --> 00:24:46,442
That is cool.
404
00:24:46,527 --> 00:24:49,195
Right? Pretty sweet.
405
00:24:49,280 --> 00:24:51,447
ls that a lie? ls that true?
406
00:24:51,532 --> 00:24:54,826
lt's a truth. lt's the truth.
407
00:24:54,910 --> 00:24:59,372
Do you think that you can tell when
somebody's wearing a wig or a toupee?
408
00:25:01,000 --> 00:25:02,417
Do you have a wig on?
409
00:25:02,501 --> 00:25:03,585
l knew it.
410
00:25:03,669 --> 00:25:05,879
l have a wig over my toupee.
411
00:25:05,963 --> 00:25:07,547
Can you tell that l'm wearing a toupee?
412
00:25:07,631 --> 00:25:10,175
l was only halfway right.
413
00:25:10,634 --> 00:25:12,886
Wait till you see my merkin.
414
00:25:14,054 --> 00:25:15,263
Oh, no.
415
00:25:16,765 --> 00:25:19,017
Fuck, it is so cold out here!
416
00:25:19,101 --> 00:25:22,562
l'm afraid l'm going to get your splash-back.
417
00:25:22,646 --> 00:25:23,730
ls this illegal?
418
00:25:24,231 --> 00:25:25,982
Can we get arrested for this?
419
00:25:26,066 --> 00:25:29,694
Are you... Who are you?
You've never peed in public before?
420
00:25:30,321 --> 00:25:33,323
No. That's not me.
421
00:25:33,657 --> 00:25:35,366
What about pools?
422
00:25:35,451 --> 00:25:37,368
No, no way.
423
00:25:37,453 --> 00:25:38,620
What, you pee in pools?
424
00:25:38,704 --> 00:25:41,748
l've peed in every pool l've ever been in.
425
00:25:45,169 --> 00:25:47,253
Oh, my!
426
00:25:47,338 --> 00:25:49,422
Did you just fucking fart in my face?
427
00:25:49,506 --> 00:25:50,673
No.
428
00:25:51,425 --> 00:25:53,927
Yeah. l'm...
429
00:25:54,595 --> 00:25:58,014
l'm sorry. Are you okay?
430
00:25:58,098 --> 00:26:00,391
Are you crying?
431
00:26:00,476 --> 00:26:03,269
Don't cry, okay?
432
00:26:04,271 --> 00:26:06,481
-Are you laughing?
-Who would cry?
433
00:26:06,565 --> 00:26:11,277
-You farted in my face.
-l'm... lt happened.
434
00:26:11,779 --> 00:26:13,446
l'm sorry.
435
00:28:46,141 --> 00:28:48,476
No fucking way.
436
00:29:31,353 --> 00:29:34,522
l would not hire myself in this.
437
00:29:34,606 --> 00:29:36,107
When do you start again?
438
00:29:36,191 --> 00:29:40,403
l'm on call, which means that l only get
to work if the other receptionist gets sick.
439
00:29:40,487 --> 00:29:43,531
-So we're praying for bird flu?
-That's right.
440
00:29:45,909 --> 00:29:48,035
Cool, l have the dumbest
mirror face in the world.
441
00:29:48,120 --> 00:29:49,203
Please, everybody does.
442
00:29:49,288 --> 00:29:51,581
No, but l look like a shih tzu.
443
00:29:51,665 --> 00:29:53,499
l look like just a little shih tzu.
444
00:29:53,584 --> 00:29:55,251
You just want to say "shit."
445
00:29:55,878 --> 00:29:57,879
You know, that's not not true.
446
00:29:57,963 --> 00:30:00,089
Here, try this on.
447
00:30:00,174 --> 00:30:04,844
Thank you so much
for this flammable piece of shit
448
00:30:04,928 --> 00:30:07,972
that's gonna give me a rash in one second.
449
00:30:08,056 --> 00:30:11,767
And l also just activated,
like, an old whore's BO.
450
00:30:11,852 --> 00:30:14,479
My boobs hurt really bad.
451
00:30:14,563 --> 00:30:16,439
Maybe you're pregnant.
452
00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:29,827
Hey, is this cute?
l mean, if it had a button, would it be...
453
00:30:29,912 --> 00:30:31,496
What? What's wrong?
454
00:30:31,580 --> 00:30:33,789
Oh, my God, l'm pregnant.
455
00:30:33,874 --> 00:30:35,791
What? No! l was just kidding.
456
00:30:35,876 --> 00:30:38,252
No, l'm late. l'm never late.
457
00:30:38,337 --> 00:30:40,796
And my boobs are super-swollen and sore.
458
00:30:40,881 --> 00:30:42,381
No, it's just... You're getting your period.
459
00:30:42,466 --> 00:30:44,842
No, l'm never boob-sore.
460
00:30:44,927 --> 00:30:46,344
Okay, well, maybe it's stress.
461
00:30:46,428 --> 00:30:48,804
Didn't you say that
when you found out you were pregnant,
462
00:30:48,889 --> 00:30:52,141
the one sign was that
you had boob soreness?
463
00:30:52,226 --> 00:30:55,478
Yeah, but you and Ryan
haven't had sex in months.
464
00:30:55,562 --> 00:30:57,230
l know.
465
00:30:57,314 --> 00:31:01,776
Oh, my God!
You didn't use a condom with Pee Farter?
466
00:31:03,487 --> 00:31:05,238
Of course, l did.
467
00:31:05,322 --> 00:31:07,281
l don't know.
468
00:31:08,867 --> 00:31:10,701
Hold on.
469
00:31:11,411 --> 00:31:14,664
Yes, l remember seeing a condom.
470
00:31:14,748 --> 00:31:17,667
l just don't know, like, exactly what it did.
471
00:31:18,794 --> 00:31:20,920
Okay, look, you're probably not,
472
00:31:21,004 --> 00:31:22,922
but we'll go get a test.
473
00:31:23,006 --> 00:31:25,716
l have to pack up the bookstore
in, like, 20 minutes.
474
00:31:25,801 --> 00:31:28,427
Okay, l'll go get a test,
and l'll meet you at the bookstore.
475
00:31:28,512 --> 00:31:30,429
-Okay?
-Yeah.
476
00:31:30,514 --> 00:31:33,599
lt's going to be fine. l'm sure you're not.
477
00:31:34,601 --> 00:31:36,143
No, you're not.
478
00:31:41,775 --> 00:31:44,485
lt's weird that you guys
keep a radio on in the bathroom.
479
00:31:44,570 --> 00:31:48,155
Yeah, Gene has shy bowels,
and it helps him to go.
480
00:31:48,240 --> 00:31:50,783
-Okay, l've set the timer for three minutes.
-Okay.
481
00:31:50,867 --> 00:31:53,202
And...
482
00:31:53,287 --> 00:31:56,831
One line is not pregnant, and plus sign...
483
00:31:56,915 --> 00:31:58,457
You are fucked.
484
00:31:59,793 --> 00:32:03,087
One line, one line, one line.
485
00:32:03,171 --> 00:32:05,214
Just going to take a big, stinky shit
while we wait.
486
00:32:05,299 --> 00:32:07,341
Perfect. Cool timing.
487
00:32:08,635 --> 00:32:10,177
Don't stare at that stick.
488
00:32:10,262 --> 00:32:12,305
Okay. l'll just...
489
00:32:18,645 --> 00:32:20,396
You're just peeing, right?
490
00:32:22,357 --> 00:32:23,858
Great.
491
00:32:25,319 --> 00:32:28,863
Do you want to hear the story about
when l went to get my first pregnancy test?
492
00:32:29,823 --> 00:32:33,951
lt was, like, 2.5 miles between where
we lived and where the pharmacy was.
493
00:32:34,036 --> 00:32:37,747
l couldn't ask my mom to drive me,
so l had to...
494
00:32:50,677 --> 00:32:54,722
If you've just tuned in, you're Iistening
to the Donna's Brain Show,
495
00:32:54,806 --> 00:32:56,891
and I'm the voice of the brain.
496
00:32:56,975 --> 00:32:59,644
Today, I'm sitting down
with the idiot in question
497
00:32:59,728 --> 00:33:04,273
who, after being dumped and Iosing herjob,
recentIy had...
498
00:33:04,358 --> 00:33:08,903
Excuse me. ...may have had
unprotected sex with a stranger.
499
00:33:11,365 --> 00:33:12,657
l can't get your blouse off.
500
00:33:12,741 --> 00:33:13,741
Did I Ieave anything out?
501
00:33:13,825 --> 00:33:15,201
We used a condom.
502
00:33:16,870 --> 00:33:18,245
Okay, weII, that's not what I heard.
503
00:33:18,330 --> 00:33:21,457
Let's do this!
504
00:33:23,210 --> 00:33:25,711
Note the razor sharp teeth.
505
00:33:27,381 --> 00:33:29,131
We should have been using our hands.
506
00:33:29,216 --> 00:33:30,675
No. No way.
507
00:33:31,885 --> 00:33:33,761
Yes!
508
00:33:33,845 --> 00:33:35,596
l don't know any wrestles.
509
00:33:35,681 --> 00:33:38,599
Did you find it?
lt's a five second rule. Five second rule.
510
00:33:40,769 --> 00:33:43,813
Come on. l think that it was more like...
511
00:33:43,897 --> 00:33:46,023
Here you are, sir. One condom.
512
00:33:47,984 --> 00:33:51,028
Might it be correct
to say that you cannot recaII?
513
00:33:51,113 --> 00:33:52,571
l'm getting a little dizzy.
514
00:33:52,656 --> 00:33:56,492
WeII, you're dizzy because you pIayed
Russian rouIette with your vagina.
515
00:33:56,576 --> 00:33:59,995
Did you know that
Hulk Hogan's name is Terry?
516
00:34:01,373 --> 00:34:02,581
It's time.
517
00:34:04,418 --> 00:34:05,668
lt's time.
518
00:34:13,927 --> 00:34:15,386
Oh, God, your face.
519
00:34:16,555 --> 00:34:18,264
Oh, my God, barf rush.
520
00:34:20,892 --> 00:34:22,768
Do l have morning sickness?
521
00:34:22,853 --> 00:34:26,188
No, that's probably just psychosomatic.
522
00:34:26,273 --> 00:34:28,691
Okay, there's two tests in the box.
Let's take another one.
523
00:34:28,775 --> 00:34:31,694
-l'm sorry. l'm going to throw up.
-Okay.
524
00:35:09,858 --> 00:35:12,193
-Did somebody have a bad dream?
-Oh, God, Dad!
525
00:35:12,277 --> 00:35:15,488
That thing is freakin' so frightening.
526
00:35:17,991 --> 00:35:20,117
l guess l am.
527
00:35:20,202 --> 00:35:22,995
Come on, give us a...
Come on, give us a kiss.
528
00:35:24,247 --> 00:35:25,581
l love you. l love you.
529
00:35:25,665 --> 00:35:27,833
Kiss yourself.
530
00:35:28,668 --> 00:35:31,170
lt's, like, 1 00 degrees in here.
531
00:35:31,254 --> 00:35:33,339
Puppets work best in heat.
532
00:35:54,903 --> 00:35:57,029
Hi, Don. Thanks for waiting.
533
00:35:59,825 --> 00:36:01,242
lt's Donna.
534
00:36:01,326 --> 00:36:04,829
l'm so sorry. Must have missed the "na."
535
00:36:04,913 --> 00:36:06,205
Where are my glasses?
536
00:36:06,581 --> 00:36:07,957
Here.
537
00:36:08,667 --> 00:36:10,918
Thank you, Donna.
538
00:36:12,879 --> 00:36:16,423
Your test came back positive,
and you are indeed pregnant.
539
00:36:16,508 --> 00:36:17,758
Fuck!
540
00:36:24,933 --> 00:36:26,100
Sorry for cursing.
541
00:36:26,560 --> 00:36:28,477
That's all right. l've heard it all.
542
00:36:29,604 --> 00:36:31,981
So, let's talk about your options.
543
00:36:34,150 --> 00:36:36,610
l would like an abortion, please.
544
00:36:37,445 --> 00:36:40,281
That sounds very insensitive. l'm not sure.
545
00:36:40,365 --> 00:36:42,283
Sounds like l was ordering
at a drive-through,
546
00:36:42,367 --> 00:36:46,704
but l would like an abortion, please.
547
00:36:46,788 --> 00:36:49,540
lt's important that
you've put a lot of thought into this,
548
00:36:49,624 --> 00:36:52,418
and that this decision is entirely yours.
549
00:36:52,961 --> 00:36:56,088
l'd also like to provide you with
all the information you need about abortion
550
00:36:56,172 --> 00:36:58,007
as well as other options.
551
00:36:58,508 --> 00:36:59,675
Yeah.
552
00:37:00,760 --> 00:37:03,053
l have thought about it,
553
00:37:03,138 --> 00:37:05,639
and this is what l need to do.
554
00:37:06,516 --> 00:37:07,766
Okay.
555
00:37:10,437 --> 00:37:13,522
So, based on the first day
of your last period,
556
00:37:13,607 --> 00:37:18,360
you're about three weeks along,
which is pretty early.
557
00:37:18,445 --> 00:37:23,198
ln fact, it's too early
to get the procedure done with us.
558
00:37:23,283 --> 00:37:24,491
Okay.
559
00:37:24,576 --> 00:37:27,077
lt means you need to wait.
560
00:37:27,162 --> 00:37:29,872
l'd like to set the appointment
for two weeks from today.
561
00:37:29,956 --> 00:37:32,583
That'll put it on the 14th.
562
00:37:33,293 --> 00:37:35,628
-February 14th?
-Yeah.
563
00:37:37,631 --> 00:37:38,923
Oh, my!
564
00:37:39,007 --> 00:37:41,550
l guess we could do it the day after.
565
00:37:43,136 --> 00:37:45,387
That's my mom's birthday.
566
00:37:48,767 --> 00:37:50,476
Can't even get an abortion right.
567
00:37:51,394 --> 00:37:53,896
l'm guessing you wouldn't want to
wait too much longer.
568
00:37:53,980 --> 00:37:56,315
No, let's have it...
569
00:37:57,150 --> 00:37:59,485
Let's do it on Valentine's Day.
570
00:38:00,904 --> 00:38:04,698
Give this card to the receptionist
on your way out, and she'll schedule you.
571
00:38:04,783 --> 00:38:06,367
Okay.
572
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:11,413
l should probably ask.
573
00:38:11,498 --> 00:38:14,166
How much does this cost?
574
00:38:14,250 --> 00:38:17,795
An in-clinic procedure costs about $500.
575
00:38:18,546 --> 00:38:19,880
Really?
576
00:38:23,259 --> 00:38:24,802
Sorry.
577
00:38:27,305 --> 00:38:30,766
That's, like, my whole rent almost.
578
00:38:32,102 --> 00:38:36,605
But the cost also covers an HlV test
as well as STD testing.
579
00:38:36,982 --> 00:38:38,232
Do you have insurance?
580
00:38:39,985 --> 00:38:43,362
Well, if not, we can provide
financial assistance if you qualify.
581
00:38:44,030 --> 00:38:46,824
-Do you have Medicaid?
-No.
582
00:38:47,701 --> 00:38:50,369
Any friends or family that can help?
583
00:38:56,918 --> 00:38:59,044
Okay, l'm out of tape now.
584
00:39:00,422 --> 00:39:04,091
Hey, little lady, is there any more tape?
585
00:39:04,175 --> 00:39:05,843
Yeah.
586
00:39:05,927 --> 00:39:09,304
Yes, there is tape in the bathroom
on the top shelf.
587
00:39:34,039 --> 00:39:36,040
l did the first scream for screaming,
588
00:39:36,124 --> 00:39:39,501
and then the second scream l had
from scaring myself from the first scream.
589
00:39:39,586 --> 00:39:41,253
Yeah, l saw that.
590
00:39:42,338 --> 00:39:44,798
-l'm gonna come in now, okay?
-Yeah.
591
00:39:46,092 --> 00:39:48,093
What are you doing here?
592
00:39:48,178 --> 00:39:49,762
You said you worked here, so...
593
00:39:49,846 --> 00:39:51,221
Sure.
594
00:39:54,768 --> 00:39:58,270
The Savage Detectives.
This book is amazing.
595
00:39:58,354 --> 00:40:01,857
Well, it can be yours for 99 cents.
596
00:40:01,941 --> 00:40:06,278
Hey, l just passed a Mexican food truck
on the way over here.
597
00:40:06,362 --> 00:40:09,364
Do you wanna go get a bite?
598
00:40:11,618 --> 00:40:13,619
When we hung out before, you said...
599
00:40:18,458 --> 00:40:22,377
You said that you could mouth fuck
the shit out of a burrito.
600
00:40:22,462 --> 00:40:24,171
God damn it.
601
00:40:25,381 --> 00:40:27,174
-Yeah.
-Okay.
602
00:40:27,258 --> 00:40:31,053
Also, do you remember
urinating in the street?
603
00:40:32,472 --> 00:40:34,223
Among other things.
604
00:40:34,307 --> 00:40:35,516
What?
605
00:40:37,018 --> 00:40:39,645
-That was the main move.
-All right.
606
00:40:41,147 --> 00:40:43,148
lf you have time, take a little break?
607
00:40:43,233 --> 00:40:47,111
Well, l can't leave the store unmanned,
un-womaned.
608
00:40:47,195 --> 00:40:49,905
Of course, sure. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
609
00:40:51,116 --> 00:40:52,116
All right.
610
00:40:52,826 --> 00:40:54,118
Well...
611
00:40:55,161 --> 00:40:57,162
l'd love to take you out sometime
on a proper date.
612
00:41:02,043 --> 00:41:04,419
Well, here's the thing,
613
00:41:04,504 --> 00:41:08,799
is that the store is closing down,
and it's a hard time,
614
00:41:08,883 --> 00:41:12,344
and it's gonna take forever,
and l have to put all the books in the boxes.
615
00:41:12,428 --> 00:41:13,470
None of them are in the boxes.
616
00:41:13,555 --> 00:41:16,140
l'm the only thing in a box,
and l'm not a book.
617
00:41:16,224 --> 00:41:18,267
-Not yet.
-Yeah. Okay.
618
00:41:19,936 --> 00:41:21,311
Totally.
619
00:41:21,396 --> 00:41:23,188
Yeah, don't worry about it.
620
00:41:27,694 --> 00:41:30,279
Yeah, l don't know what l was thinking.
621
00:41:30,363 --> 00:41:32,739
l have a copy of this already.
622
00:41:38,621 --> 00:41:41,790
Well, good luck with the closing.
623
00:41:41,875 --> 00:41:44,042
Thanks. You, too.
624
00:41:49,591 --> 00:41:52,301
l can't believe he walked into the store.
That's a sign.
625
00:41:52,385 --> 00:41:54,720
And that would be a sign saying...
626
00:41:54,804 --> 00:41:57,890
Like, that l'm a present in a box,
627
00:41:57,974 --> 00:42:00,267
and that he and l should go
and start our beautiful life together.
628
00:42:00,351 --> 00:42:03,604
-You know, l'm not a straight guy...
-What?
629
00:42:03,688 --> 00:42:06,398
...but my guess is that most of them
would hate that gift.
630
00:42:06,482 --> 00:42:08,817
What? You're saying
631
00:42:08,902 --> 00:42:11,153
that a guy doesn't want
a drunk, pregnant girl in a box?
632
00:42:11,237 --> 00:42:12,738
lf you're a serial killer.
633
00:42:12,822 --> 00:42:16,074
Maybe you wanna tell him.
634
00:42:16,993 --> 00:42:18,493
No. Why? Why?
635
00:42:18,578 --> 00:42:20,746
You don't owe him anything.
You don't even know this guy.
636
00:42:20,830 --> 00:42:23,123
Maybe he just deserves to know
that, like, this happened.
637
00:42:23,208 --> 00:42:26,752
That l'm not psycho,
and l'm going to get an abortion.
638
00:42:26,836 --> 00:42:29,421
You know, if l got someone pregnant,
l would wanna know.
639
00:42:29,505 --> 00:42:31,840
lf you got someone pregnant,
l would also want to know.
640
00:42:31,925 --> 00:42:33,508
Probably every newspaper
would want to know,
641
00:42:33,593 --> 00:42:35,677
'cause all of a sudden,
some dude's mouth would be pregnant.
642
00:42:35,762 --> 00:42:38,347
My God, you guys,
stop it with the crazy jokes.
643
00:42:38,431 --> 00:42:40,224
Why do you care
what he needs to know or not?
644
00:42:40,308 --> 00:42:42,893
You are the one who has
to get this procedure, pay for it,
645
00:42:42,977 --> 00:42:45,145
wear the fucking pad
with the big wings, okay?
646
00:42:45,230 --> 00:42:47,648
You think if he was pregnant,
he would be worrying about you right now?
647
00:42:47,732 --> 00:42:49,942
No, he'd be trying to get
that fucking thing out of his body.
648
00:42:50,026 --> 00:42:52,903
God damn it! You guys,
we already live in a patriarchal society
649
00:42:52,987 --> 00:42:56,740
where a bunch of weird old white men
in robes get to legislate our cunts.
650
00:42:56,824 --> 00:42:58,867
You just need to be worrying about yourself.
651
00:42:58,952 --> 00:43:03,330
And why are you looking at me like that,
you little bitches?
652
00:43:03,414 --> 00:43:08,126
Everything you're saying is valid,
but you are scaring my dick off.
653
00:43:09,003 --> 00:43:13,548
Anyway, if your gut is to tell him,
l say do it, because he seems sweet.
654
00:43:14,300 --> 00:43:15,759
l'm exhausted now.
655
00:43:19,138 --> 00:43:22,391
-Does it hurt?
-Does what hurt?
656
00:43:23,810 --> 00:43:26,019
You know, only you would know
if your vagina hurts or not.
657
00:43:26,104 --> 00:43:28,730
Okay. Does having an abortion hurt?
658
00:43:28,815 --> 00:43:33,652
No, except for some cramps afterwards,
but they feel just like period cramps.
659
00:43:36,698 --> 00:43:38,907
Just take me through it snip-by-snip.
660
00:43:38,992 --> 00:43:41,076
Okay, first of all, there is no snips,
661
00:43:41,160 --> 00:43:44,037
and the whole thing
literally takes, like, five minutes.
662
00:43:44,122 --> 00:43:46,456
That's amazing.
You don't even have to clear your schedge.
663
00:43:46,541 --> 00:43:49,251
No, you still need the whole day.
Because they talk to you for a while.
664
00:43:49,335 --> 00:43:53,714
Well, you don't have to clear your schedge,
'cause there's nothing on it.
665
00:43:53,798 --> 00:43:55,632
How often do you think about it?
666
00:43:55,717 --> 00:43:58,802
l think about it sometimes. Once in a while.
667
00:43:58,886 --> 00:44:02,639
And then l get really sad
for my little teenage self.
668
00:44:02,724 --> 00:44:04,808
But l never regret it.
669
00:44:05,852 --> 00:44:07,269
And did you ever tell your mom?
670
00:44:07,353 --> 00:44:10,105
No, she thought l was at field hockey.
671
00:44:10,189 --> 00:44:13,525
-Were you the goalie?
-Of course l was the goalie.
672
00:44:21,451 --> 00:44:22,868
l'm glad you're here.
673
00:44:22,952 --> 00:44:24,036
You're so jumpy.
674
00:44:24,120 --> 00:44:26,788
You're like an Eileen Fisher ninja.
675
00:44:26,873 --> 00:44:29,708
l wanted to continue
our discussion about your future.
676
00:44:29,792 --> 00:44:33,837
Okay, well, l have something
that l would like to talk to you about as well.
677
00:44:33,921 --> 00:44:36,214
-l'd like to go first.
-Great.
678
00:44:36,299 --> 00:44:37,841
l couldn't sleep last night.
679
00:44:37,925 --> 00:44:40,427
So l made a spreadsheet
of all of your expenses,
680
00:44:40,511 --> 00:44:45,098
job opportunities and miscellaneous tasks
that l think you should focus on.
681
00:44:45,183 --> 00:44:47,768
Okay, well, you didn't need to do that.
682
00:44:47,852 --> 00:44:49,353
No shit.
683
00:44:49,437 --> 00:44:52,814
l have a student in my office right now,
and l have one about to deliver something.
684
00:44:52,899 --> 00:44:55,567
So, we'll do it afterwards, all right?
685
00:44:57,236 --> 00:45:03,241
And could you please go through the mail?
l'm still getting your student loan crap.
686
00:45:08,664 --> 00:45:10,040
lt's open.
687
00:45:13,252 --> 00:45:14,252
Hello.
688
00:45:15,129 --> 00:45:16,588
Are you fucking kidding me?
689
00:45:17,465 --> 00:45:18,548
Fuck!
690
00:45:19,634 --> 00:45:21,593
l'm sorry. l just...
691
00:45:23,388 --> 00:45:25,263
l'm not stalking you. This isn't a...
692
00:45:26,182 --> 00:45:27,849
Oh, my God.
693
00:45:27,934 --> 00:45:30,435
Professor Stern. l'm just...
l'm looking for Professor Stern.
694
00:45:30,520 --> 00:45:33,063
Yeah. She's my mom.
695
00:45:33,147 --> 00:45:34,940
-She's your mom?
-Yeah.
696
00:45:36,442 --> 00:45:38,360
She's a genius.
697
00:45:38,444 --> 00:45:41,947
Okay, seriously though, she's, like,
the best professor l had in business school.
698
00:45:42,615 --> 00:45:45,325
l see you about to roll your eyes again,
all right? But that's that truth.
699
00:45:45,410 --> 00:45:47,285
She lit a fire in my belly.
700
00:45:47,370 --> 00:45:49,329
Okay. Well, that's called diarrhea.
701
00:45:50,581 --> 00:45:53,375
l'm sorry, but you just handed
that one to me like a little present.
702
00:45:53,459 --> 00:45:56,002
Yeah, you know, we've hung out before.
703
00:45:57,422 --> 00:46:03,009
Anyway, your mother lent me this book
a couple of months ago,
704
00:46:03,094 --> 00:46:05,929
and l'm just trying to get it back to her, so...
705
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:07,347
Thank you.
706
00:46:08,015 --> 00:46:09,724
Come on.
707
00:46:10,560 --> 00:46:11,893
You made fun of my shoes?
708
00:46:12,770 --> 00:46:14,479
These are my mom's.
709
00:46:16,065 --> 00:46:17,399
Do you wanna try them on?
710
00:46:17,859 --> 00:46:19,025
No.
711
00:46:20,570 --> 00:46:22,529
All right, yeah, l would.
712
00:46:36,294 --> 00:46:37,335
That's amazing.
713
00:46:38,546 --> 00:46:40,505
l don't do hard drugs,
714
00:46:40,590 --> 00:46:43,300
but l imagine this is
what it feels like to shoot heroin.
715
00:46:43,384 --> 00:46:45,010
Yeah, they're so soft.
716
00:46:45,094 --> 00:46:47,429
They're made out of, like, angel's titty skins.
717
00:46:48,681 --> 00:46:51,933
Yeah, and then she said that, so...
718
00:46:53,311 --> 00:46:54,853
There you go.
719
00:47:05,364 --> 00:47:06,656
So...
720
00:47:10,870 --> 00:47:13,830
Sorry, do you wanna go
get some food or something?
721
00:47:17,877 --> 00:47:19,461
Are you two ready to order?
722
00:47:19,545 --> 00:47:22,130
-You know what? Actually, l haven't had...
-Yes. Yes, yes.
723
00:47:22,215 --> 00:47:25,300
We'll each have
the chicken piccata over linguine, please.
724
00:47:25,384 --> 00:47:27,844
Of course. Your favorite.
725
00:47:28,638 --> 00:47:30,138
Thank you.
726
00:47:32,892 --> 00:47:35,018
You are a serious regular.
727
00:47:35,102 --> 00:47:39,481
lt's, like, the one place where l can go
and wear my diaper and feel that l fit in.
728
00:47:39,565 --> 00:47:40,982
Got it.
729
00:47:42,235 --> 00:47:45,570
l also don't normally order
for the person that l'm with at a restaurant,
730
00:47:45,655 --> 00:47:49,282
but the chicken piccata is the best
that this place has to offer.
731
00:47:49,367 --> 00:47:51,785
lt's the gem. lt's the crown jewel.
732
00:47:51,869 --> 00:47:53,578
You got to have it.
733
00:47:54,247 --> 00:47:58,250
Well, there is nothing better
than some hot bread and butter.
734
00:47:58,751 --> 00:48:00,001
Yeah.
735
00:48:02,129 --> 00:48:03,630
Here you go.
736
00:48:06,759 --> 00:48:09,052
Did you just warm this butter up for me?
737
00:48:09,136 --> 00:48:10,303
Yeah.
738
00:48:11,764 --> 00:48:13,557
That's really nice.
739
00:48:16,602 --> 00:48:18,728
That's just what you do.
740
00:48:21,774 --> 00:48:24,401
Max, l have something l wanna tell you.
741
00:48:24,485 --> 00:48:25,860
What's up?
742
00:48:31,200 --> 00:48:33,285
l have to go to the bathroom.
743
00:48:34,036 --> 00:48:35,662
Great.
744
00:48:35,746 --> 00:48:37,038
l kind of walked into that one, huh?
745
00:48:38,291 --> 00:48:39,457
lndeed.
746
00:48:39,542 --> 00:48:41,334
Aren't you wearing a diaper?
747
00:48:42,044 --> 00:48:44,045
Yeah, l'm not gonna spend it
on a number one.
748
00:48:44,130 --> 00:48:47,173
-Okay.
-Diaper is for the heavy lifting.
749
00:48:52,054 --> 00:48:55,974
Hey, Max, remember from before
when we did sex to each other?
750
00:49:00,646 --> 00:49:04,065
Max, l love you. l'm having your abortion.
751
00:49:04,150 --> 00:49:05,775
Do you wanna share a dessert?
752
00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:09,404
Lead with that. Definitely lead with that.
Perfect. That's perfect.
753
00:49:12,325 --> 00:49:13,783
-Hey.
-Hello.
754
00:49:22,627 --> 00:49:24,669
Do you see this couple?
755
00:49:26,005 --> 00:49:27,631
Yeah.
756
00:49:27,715 --> 00:49:29,674
They're incredible.
757
00:49:30,134 --> 00:49:34,262
The entire time you were gone,
she has been reading off the menu to him,
758
00:49:34,347 --> 00:49:37,015
and he points at a new item,
and she just tells him what it is.
759
00:49:39,268 --> 00:49:42,771
Maybe he just likes to hear
his favorite things read out loud.
760
00:49:42,855 --> 00:49:44,272
That's what l thought.
761
00:49:45,149 --> 00:49:46,775
l just love couples like this.
762
00:49:47,693 --> 00:49:49,277
lt's not a line.
763
00:49:49,904 --> 00:49:52,030
But l can't wait to be a grandpa.
764
00:49:53,908 --> 00:49:55,575
Man, yeah.
765
00:50:02,375 --> 00:50:05,377
Really hitting that bread.
You're gonna have room for that piccata?
766
00:50:06,128 --> 00:50:08,046
-Two.
-Yeah? Okay.
767
00:50:14,261 --> 00:50:16,221
You got any shows coming up?
768
00:50:16,305 --> 00:50:19,307
l do. l have one tomorrow night actually.
769
00:50:19,392 --> 00:50:21,393
-Awesome.
-Yeah.
770
00:50:22,395 --> 00:50:25,647
-Where?
-Same place. Always same place.
771
00:50:25,731 --> 00:50:27,232
Cool. Cool.
772
00:50:28,984 --> 00:50:30,694
Can l come?
773
00:50:30,778 --> 00:50:33,822
-Shit. Shit! Shit!
-l don't have to.
774
00:50:33,906 --> 00:50:36,199
No, no, no. You stepped in shit.
775
00:50:36,283 --> 00:50:37,534
-What?
-Shit!
776
00:50:38,411 --> 00:50:39,744
Come on!
777
00:50:40,538 --> 00:50:43,748
-These are my only shoes.
-Yeah, yeah, l know.
778
00:50:45,000 --> 00:50:47,252
-This is great. You're just...
-No, no. l'm just...
779
00:50:47,336 --> 00:50:49,421
l'm glad it's... Yeah.
780
00:50:49,505 --> 00:50:51,339
l'm just, you know, just trying to get...
781
00:50:51,424 --> 00:50:53,383
You stamped right down on the doodie.
782
00:50:53,467 --> 00:50:55,093
Okay!
783
00:50:56,053 --> 00:50:57,846
All right.
784
00:50:57,930 --> 00:50:59,389
-You almost got it out?
-Yeah.
785
00:50:59,473 --> 00:51:01,558
You're almost cleared?
786
00:51:02,476 --> 00:51:04,018
Yep. Okay. All right.
787
00:51:04,103 --> 00:51:07,856
Well, l'm gonna go get some bleach,
and l'll see you tomorrow.
788
00:51:07,940 --> 00:51:09,649
-Okay.
-Good night.
789
00:51:10,609 --> 00:51:13,820
Are you limping?
l don't wanna get it on my pants.
790
00:51:15,448 --> 00:51:18,867
Yeah. My father was, like,
a funny dude, man, my father.
791
00:51:18,951 --> 00:51:20,285
l think he's the reason why l do comedy.
792
00:51:20,828 --> 00:51:24,664
He's like a cross between
Bill Cosby and Richard Pryor.
793
00:51:24,749 --> 00:51:29,043
He was Cosby, like, in that
he'd hide snacks around the house.
794
00:51:29,128 --> 00:51:31,129
And he was like Richard Pryor
795
00:51:31,213 --> 00:51:32,797
in that he freebased cocaine.
796
00:51:34,508 --> 00:51:35,967
Can l get a seltzer?
797
00:51:36,051 --> 00:51:37,761
What's up?
798
00:51:37,845 --> 00:51:39,971
You're a jumpy little kitty.
799
00:51:40,639 --> 00:51:41,765
When do l go on?
800
00:51:41,849 --> 00:51:43,057
lt's what l wanted to talk to you about.
801
00:51:43,142 --> 00:51:46,144
We're gonna have to end early,
set up for an '80s dance party.
802
00:51:46,228 --> 00:51:50,732
No. Can you just let me get five minutes?
l just wanna do five minutes.
803
00:51:50,816 --> 00:51:52,484
You still doing that break-up material?
804
00:51:53,027 --> 00:51:56,905
l'm just doing my comedy,
which is just talking about my life, so...
805
00:51:57,990 --> 00:52:00,241
Don't look at my shit
while l'm writing it down, man.
806
00:52:00,326 --> 00:52:01,576
What? No, that's funny.
807
00:52:01,660 --> 00:52:03,787
l think my bodega man judges me, too.
808
00:52:03,871 --> 00:52:05,246
Yeah.
809
00:52:06,540 --> 00:52:07,916
How was Los Angeles?
810
00:52:08,000 --> 00:52:09,250
Nice deflection.
811
00:52:09,335 --> 00:52:13,254
Yeah, l was in LA for three weeks,
three shitty weeks.
812
00:52:13,339 --> 00:52:15,590
l fucking hate that place.
813
00:52:15,674 --> 00:52:18,051
Running around, driving a gold Kia.
That's all they had.
814
00:52:18,135 --> 00:52:19,219
Well, there was a screw-up...
815
00:52:19,303 --> 00:52:21,304
Had to drive a gold Kia?
816
00:52:21,388 --> 00:52:24,057
l did not pick out a gold Kia.
817
00:52:24,141 --> 00:52:28,102
l would pick out a pewter Kia,
taupe, tasmine,
818
00:52:28,187 --> 00:52:32,023
which is combo of taupe and jasmine.
819
00:52:32,107 --> 00:52:37,695
But it now looks like l will be
moving out there for pilot season.
820
00:52:38,405 --> 00:52:40,240
-Really?
-Yeah.
821
00:52:41,242 --> 00:52:42,867
l sold a pilot.
822
00:52:43,869 --> 00:52:44,869
Congrats.
823
00:52:44,954 --> 00:52:46,704
Yeah, but let's get out of here.
824
00:52:47,456 --> 00:52:49,958
Seriously. No, Donna, listen to me.
825
00:52:50,042 --> 00:52:52,418
l'm house sitting
for this crazy rich friend of mine.
826
00:52:52,503 --> 00:52:53,503
l mean crazy rich.
827
00:52:53,587 --> 00:52:55,046
lt's awesome. lt's huge.
828
00:52:55,130 --> 00:52:59,634
All modern like the stuff when you read
in the back of the rich people's magazines
829
00:52:59,718 --> 00:53:01,553
that they have at the airport.
830
00:53:01,637 --> 00:53:04,222
-Man, l don't know.
-Donna, you haven't hung out in forever.
831
00:53:04,306 --> 00:53:05,723
Let's go. lt'll be mad nice.
832
00:53:05,808 --> 00:53:07,976
We'll get a crew together.
lt'll be like the old times.
833
00:53:08,060 --> 00:53:10,645
What rap group from 1 997 are you in?
834
00:53:10,729 --> 00:53:12,397
Whodini.
835
00:53:13,148 --> 00:53:15,692
No, it was two different kinds of mustard.
836
00:53:15,776 --> 00:53:19,571
Man, it's colder than a witch's titty out here.
There we go.
837
00:53:21,824 --> 00:53:23,533
-No, did l miss it?
-Yeah.
838
00:53:23,617 --> 00:53:25,034
l'm so sorry.
839
00:53:25,119 --> 00:53:27,579
Work was hectic.
l was trying to leave three hours ago.
840
00:53:27,663 --> 00:53:28,997
That's okay.
841
00:53:29,623 --> 00:53:30,832
l'm actually leaving now, though.
842
00:53:30,916 --> 00:53:34,002
l'm gonna go hang out
with some comedians.
843
00:53:36,171 --> 00:53:38,631
-You coming or what?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just one sec.
844
00:53:38,716 --> 00:53:41,593
l mean, you can come,
but l just think it might be boring
845
00:53:41,677 --> 00:53:44,596
or actually very depressing probably.
846
00:53:46,348 --> 00:53:47,932
ls it just the two of you?
847
00:53:48,017 --> 00:53:49,267
lt's not like that.
848
00:53:50,728 --> 00:53:52,770
That's what it looks like.
849
00:53:54,398 --> 00:53:58,860
Well, thank you for coming to Brooklyn,
but you didn't have to.
850
00:53:59,695 --> 00:54:00,695
You invited me.
851
00:54:00,779 --> 00:54:03,948
Well, l didn't think that
we made, like, concrete plans.
852
00:54:04,033 --> 00:54:06,701
Yo, this driver is getting disgruntled.
853
00:54:06,785 --> 00:54:09,913
Okay, one sec. l need to go, but l am sorry.
854
00:54:09,997 --> 00:54:11,205
Me, too.
855
00:54:12,458 --> 00:54:13,791
Have fun.
856
00:54:18,589 --> 00:54:22,800
My therapist, this is for real,
857
00:54:22,885 --> 00:54:28,222
refers to standup as plays. l'm serious.
858
00:54:28,307 --> 00:54:32,101
Like, "You did a play last night.
How was your play?
859
00:54:32,186 --> 00:54:33,394
"How was your play? Was it good?"
860
00:54:33,479 --> 00:54:36,731
-ls your therapist your nana?
-No, she's your nana actually.
861
00:54:36,815 --> 00:54:39,317
-Nana!
-That's why l go to her.
862
00:54:39,401 --> 00:54:40,777
Yeah.
863
00:54:40,861 --> 00:54:43,154
-Dominican woman, right?
-Right.
864
00:54:43,238 --> 00:54:46,741
Yeah, pear-shaped, huge Marley fan.
865
00:54:46,825 --> 00:54:51,079
Yeah. No, you've definitely,
yeah, nailed down my lineage.
866
00:54:51,163 --> 00:54:53,331
All right, well...
867
00:54:59,254 --> 00:55:01,506
Hey, how come we've never
done this before?
868
00:55:03,425 --> 00:55:08,930
Because a few years ago, l rejected you,
and you've been the worst to me ever since.
869
00:55:13,018 --> 00:55:14,352
So cheers.
870
00:55:15,396 --> 00:55:16,688
Right.
871
00:55:17,982 --> 00:55:19,774
Shit. Fuck!
872
00:55:21,986 --> 00:55:24,320
l have a stain stick. l really do.
873
00:55:24,405 --> 00:55:27,991
That's all chemicals. This is wine.
l got to soak it.
874
00:55:42,798 --> 00:55:43,798
What?
875
00:55:43,882 --> 00:55:45,675
lt was either this or the baggy sweatshirt.
876
00:55:45,759 --> 00:55:48,678
Then why didn't you choose
the baggy sweatshirt?
877
00:55:48,762 --> 00:55:50,304
'Cause l wanted to look nice for you.
878
00:55:50,389 --> 00:55:51,597
Oh, my God.
879
00:55:51,682 --> 00:55:54,726
lt's gonna be very hard
to have a conversation with you
880
00:55:54,810 --> 00:55:57,478
while you're wearing that ladies' camisole.
881
00:55:57,563 --> 00:55:59,981
Well, then l'll do all the talking.
882
00:56:01,066 --> 00:56:02,442
What were we talking about?
883
00:56:02,526 --> 00:56:04,736
l don't know. You just erased my mind.
884
00:56:05,446 --> 00:56:06,988
Break-ups.
885
00:56:07,573 --> 00:56:09,365
Yeah.
886
00:56:09,450 --> 00:56:12,660
l just recently went through
a pretty bad one.
887
00:56:13,370 --> 00:56:15,955
-She cheated on you?
-Worse.
888
00:56:16,081 --> 00:56:19,876
What's worse than getting cheated on?
Think about it.
889
00:56:21,086 --> 00:56:23,921
l mean, l don't understand how a person
890
00:56:24,006 --> 00:56:27,008
who can claim that they love you,
act like they love you,
891
00:56:27,092 --> 00:56:29,177
say it in words, say it in action,
892
00:56:29,261 --> 00:56:34,891
can then turn around in that same breath
and tell you
893
00:56:35,726 --> 00:56:37,894
that they don't do anal.
894
00:56:38,437 --> 00:56:40,772
For Christ's sake. Jesus Christ.
895
00:56:40,856 --> 00:56:43,024
What? l was kidding.
896
00:56:43,108 --> 00:56:45,109
Are you leaving?
897
00:56:45,194 --> 00:56:47,403
Yeah, l'm gonna do that now.
898
00:56:47,488 --> 00:56:48,613
l was kidding.
899
00:56:50,032 --> 00:56:51,199
Of course she did anal.
900
00:56:51,283 --> 00:56:52,366
You're an idiot.
901
00:56:52,451 --> 00:56:54,744
No, she was Greek Catholic.
You know how they are.
902
00:56:54,828 --> 00:56:58,289
l don't care about the anal
or your stupid loft or any...
903
00:56:58,373 --> 00:57:01,250
l can't even believe
l've made it this deep into this experience.
904
00:57:01,335 --> 00:57:04,587
You know what l think,
is that you should stay the night here,
905
00:57:04,671 --> 00:57:09,509
and we can keep talking
and work some stuff out.
906
00:57:11,136 --> 00:57:14,722
Donna, come on.
You didn't even see the shower.
907
00:57:14,807 --> 00:57:18,768
Donna! All right, l'm gonna jerk off.
You're missing it.
908
00:57:39,832 --> 00:57:42,458
Hi, it's Donna.
909
00:57:43,544 --> 00:57:46,671
l'm really sorry about tonight.
l'm really, really sorry.
910
00:57:46,755 --> 00:57:50,299
l never should have just...
911
00:57:50,884 --> 00:57:55,388
l saw you, and l got very nervous.
l got taken by surprise.
912
00:57:55,472 --> 00:57:57,265
l have something
that l wanna talk to you about,
913
00:57:57,349 --> 00:57:59,684
and l've been meaning to talk to you.
914
00:57:59,768 --> 00:58:02,353
And l don't wanna leave it
on your voicemail.
915
00:58:02,437 --> 00:58:05,773
So, will you call me back, please?
916
00:58:05,858 --> 00:58:07,650
Thank you. Bye-bye.
917
00:58:17,035 --> 00:58:19,412
Sir, can you turn around
and go to Manhattan, please?
918
00:58:19,496 --> 00:58:21,706
You said Brooklyn.
919
00:58:21,790 --> 00:58:23,457
l changed my mind.
920
00:59:07,211 --> 00:59:08,252
Hi.
921
00:59:10,088 --> 00:59:11,547
Are you sick?
922
00:59:13,300 --> 00:59:14,675
What time is it?
923
00:59:14,760 --> 00:59:16,719
l think probably midnight.
924
00:59:16,803 --> 00:59:19,347
What's wrong? What going on?
925
00:59:19,431 --> 00:59:21,724
Mom, can l come in bed with you?
926
00:59:22,517 --> 00:59:23,601
Yeah.
927
00:59:25,562 --> 00:59:27,772
What's the matter, sweetie?
928
00:59:28,732 --> 00:59:30,775
Talk to me.
929
00:59:36,156 --> 00:59:39,367
l'm pregnant, and l'm having an abortion.
930
00:59:42,829 --> 00:59:44,538
Thank God.
931
00:59:44,623 --> 00:59:46,624
l thought you were gonna tell me
you were moving to LA.
932
00:59:46,708 --> 00:59:49,126
What? No.
933
00:59:51,964 --> 00:59:54,715
God. l was so scared to tell you.
934
00:59:54,800 --> 00:59:58,719
Sweetheart, l know that we haven't
been getting along lately,
935
00:59:58,804 --> 01:00:01,889
but you should never be afraid to talk to me.
936
01:00:03,642 --> 01:00:05,226
l was...
937
01:00:09,147 --> 01:00:15,653
l was scared that you'd be very angry
and very disappointed.
938
01:00:15,737 --> 01:00:17,571
Well, l'm neither.
939
01:00:19,616 --> 01:00:23,160
Look, l can't believe l never told you this,
940
01:00:23,245 --> 01:00:26,289
but when l was in college, l had an abortion.
941
01:00:27,332 --> 01:00:30,376
-Dad's?
-No. God. Not your father's.
942
01:00:30,460 --> 01:00:33,546
No, it was my college boyfriend's, Robert.
943
01:00:34,673 --> 01:00:37,591
And abortions were illegal in those days,
944
01:00:37,676 --> 01:00:42,346
so your grandma had to drive me
in the family station wagon
945
01:00:42,431 --> 01:00:44,432
all the way to New Jersey.
946
01:00:44,516 --> 01:00:48,352
And we had to go
to some stranger's apartment.
947
01:00:48,437 --> 01:00:50,938
When l got up there,
there was 1 2 other women
948
01:00:51,023 --> 01:00:53,899
just sitting there in some kind of stupor.
949
01:00:54,651 --> 01:00:58,154
And they put me up on the kitchen table,
950
01:00:58,238 --> 01:01:01,115
they gave me some kind of shot
to put me out,
951
01:01:01,199 --> 01:01:02,491
and that was that.
952
01:01:03,035 --> 01:01:07,121
Next night, l was dancing
at your aunt's sweet 1 6 party.
953
01:01:10,751 --> 01:01:11,959
l didn't know that.
954
01:01:16,340 --> 01:01:19,425
You know, l was going through
some old papers,
955
01:01:19,509 --> 01:01:22,887
and l found this book the other day
956
01:01:22,971 --> 01:01:26,640
that you had written
when you were 1 1 years old.
957
01:01:26,725 --> 01:01:29,769
-l wrote a book?
-Yes, you don't remember?
958
01:01:31,146 --> 01:01:32,313
You wrote it to me.
959
01:01:32,397 --> 01:01:35,691
You sent me a chapter
every week from camp.
960
01:01:36,568 --> 01:01:40,905
lt was about this little girl detective
named Winks.
961
01:01:42,491 --> 01:01:44,909
She had a twitch.
962
01:01:46,161 --> 01:01:49,080
l have a book for you actually
963
01:01:49,164 --> 01:01:52,541
that one of your students dropped it off,
964
01:01:52,626 --> 01:01:56,045
and somehow it slipped my mind.
l forgot to give it to you.
965
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:57,922
Max Brown.
966
01:01:59,424 --> 01:02:01,342
ls he, like, a teacher's pet?
967
01:02:01,426 --> 01:02:04,512
Did he compliment you
on your alpaca sweater?
968
01:02:04,596 --> 01:02:09,725
Actually, he's a very good student
and a pretty good writer, too.
969
01:02:11,353 --> 01:02:13,813
lnteresting. Why are you asking about Max?
970
01:02:13,897 --> 01:02:15,773
There's no reason.
971
01:02:17,150 --> 01:02:19,276
Because he's not your type.
972
01:02:20,195 --> 01:02:22,113
Okay, what is my type?
973
01:02:23,865 --> 01:02:25,533
-Smelly.
-Mom!
974
01:02:25,617 --> 01:02:28,661
Ryan didn't wear deodorants
with antiperspirant in them,
975
01:02:28,745 --> 01:02:30,162
because he was afraid ofAlzheimer's.
976
01:02:30,247 --> 01:02:33,624
Right. l would rather not remember
smelling like garbage
977
01:02:33,708 --> 01:02:37,586
than remember that
l'd been stinking my entire life.
978
01:02:39,131 --> 01:02:43,008
Yeah, okay,
that was, like, a very funny observation.
979
01:02:43,093 --> 01:02:46,011
-Thank you.
-You made a full joke.
980
01:03:16,501 --> 01:03:21,172
Darn it. l thought l would fool you
with my 21 2 number.
981
01:03:21,256 --> 01:03:25,593
Hello, it's me again, calling you again.
982
01:03:30,182 --> 01:03:35,019
l can't remember the last time l left a number
in my own speaking voice, so...
983
01:03:35,103 --> 01:03:37,188
Anyway, here it is.
984
01:03:38,315 --> 01:03:41,442
l am gonna be at the store until 5:00
985
01:03:41,526 --> 01:03:46,113
and then maybe attempting
to make people laugh around 8:30.
986
01:03:47,073 --> 01:03:49,825
You should stop by if you feel like it.
987
01:03:49,910 --> 01:03:54,872
l promise l won't leave with a stranger
unless that stranger is you.
988
01:03:55,624 --> 01:03:56,957
Goodbye.
989
01:04:08,553 --> 01:04:10,721
They say to be yourseIf on dates,
990
01:04:10,805 --> 01:04:13,807
but l actually think
that's horrible advice from my experience.
991
01:04:13,892 --> 01:04:18,187
No one wants to talk about
how Jeffrey Dahmer was actually hot.
992
01:04:19,731 --> 01:04:23,609
Or how it's offensive that l'm not his type.
993
01:04:29,491 --> 01:04:31,992
You are gonna kill it out there.
994
01:04:32,077 --> 01:04:35,913
l actually have an appointment
to do that tomorrow. l'm sorry.
995
01:04:37,082 --> 01:04:39,208
Boy. Okay.
996
01:04:40,919 --> 01:04:43,254
-What do you want to drink?
-Seltzer, please.
997
01:04:43,338 --> 01:04:44,922
One seltzer.
998
01:04:49,886 --> 01:04:52,471
I reaIIy wanna bring the next comic
to the stage now,
999
01:04:52,556 --> 01:04:56,141
because I think everything about her
is fucking cooI.
1000
01:04:56,226 --> 01:05:00,479
And l think that you guys are
definitely going to agree with me on this.
1001
01:05:00,564 --> 01:05:04,400
She is hot as shit and brilliant.
1002
01:05:04,484 --> 01:05:07,486
Everyone, please welcome Donna Stern.
1003
01:05:15,704 --> 01:05:18,289
You guys like my singing voice?
1004
01:05:18,373 --> 01:05:22,710
l just burped into this
because l'm an adult woman.
1005
01:05:24,629 --> 01:05:27,047
l do like being an adult woman.
1006
01:05:27,132 --> 01:05:29,550
l've always wanted to be that...
1007
01:05:29,634 --> 01:05:34,888
l've always wanted to have just, like, a bra,
and a blouse,
1008
01:05:34,973 --> 01:05:37,141
and a schedule.
1009
01:05:37,475 --> 01:05:39,893
Like, where l could just, like,
be in my house and just be like,
1010
01:05:39,978 --> 01:05:43,439
"Oh, my God, l'm running late,"
you know? Like...
1011
01:05:43,523 --> 01:05:46,650
l've always wanted to be able to be
on the car phone and be like,
1012
01:05:46,735 --> 01:05:49,820
"Okay, Susan, will do.
1013
01:05:51,323 --> 01:05:54,908
"What? Okay. All right. Talk soon."
1014
01:05:54,993 --> 01:05:59,079
And then just hang up
and not worry about, you know,
1015
01:05:59,164 --> 01:06:02,541
why the bathroom smells in a weird way.
1016
01:06:05,420 --> 01:06:08,589
But l'm not here to talk about car phones.
1017
01:06:08,673 --> 01:06:12,551
l came here tonight
on a very different mission.
1018
01:06:12,636 --> 01:06:14,720
And that is
1019
01:06:14,804 --> 01:06:19,308
to say to you that...
1020
01:06:22,312 --> 01:06:23,937
Sorry.
1021
01:06:24,022 --> 01:06:27,900
Which is to say to you
1022
01:06:27,984 --> 01:06:30,444
that l am pregnant.
1023
01:06:35,492 --> 01:06:38,577
Okay, all right, testing the waters.
l dropped that one down.
1024
01:06:39,537 --> 01:06:44,958
The second thing that l would like to say
right now, out loud,
1025
01:06:45,043 --> 01:06:47,169
and l'm gonna say it out loud right now.
1026
01:06:47,253 --> 01:06:49,463
Out loud, right now...
l'm fine. Everything's fine.
1027
01:06:49,547 --> 01:06:52,341
Just rolling along with this,
out loud, right now.
1028
01:06:52,425 --> 01:06:56,845
ls that l am going to have an abortion...
1029
01:06:56,930 --> 01:06:58,931
Okay, okay, keep breathing.
1030
01:06:59,474 --> 01:07:02,309
...tomorrow, which is Valentine's Day.
1031
01:07:02,394 --> 01:07:04,895
So, we'll start from there.
1032
01:07:06,064 --> 01:07:08,440
l'm sure you're wondering
how this happened.
1033
01:07:11,194 --> 01:07:16,073
A little thing l like to call getting
banged out in the middle of the night,
1034
01:07:17,242 --> 01:07:22,287
the heat, heat, heat of the night,
by a very nice person
1035
01:07:23,415 --> 01:07:25,749
that l don't know very well at all.
1036
01:07:25,834 --> 01:07:29,336
l don't know.
He was a stranger, but a nice one.
1037
01:07:29,421 --> 01:07:33,048
Probably the best of all the strangers
that are out there.
1038
01:07:34,259 --> 01:07:35,676
And of course you guys
aren't strangers anymore
1039
01:07:35,760 --> 01:07:39,972
because now you're a part of my life
in a big way.
1040
01:07:41,057 --> 01:07:44,351
So l don't know if you've gleaned
that maybe l'm not ready to be a mom.
1041
01:07:44,436 --> 01:07:47,646
You're like, "No shit.
You are not ready to be a mom."
1042
01:07:47,731 --> 01:07:52,151
And so l decided to get the abortion,
1043
01:07:52,235 --> 01:07:54,319
but l really do love pregnant ladies,
1044
01:07:54,404 --> 01:07:59,283
and there's lots of things
about being a mom that seem fun,
1045
01:07:59,367 --> 01:08:03,287
but for me it's just like
l can't tell anyone to shut off the TV.
1046
01:08:04,497 --> 01:08:06,123
Equaling l can't shut off the TV.
1047
01:08:09,002 --> 01:08:13,964
l decided to tell my mom,
and l thought she was gonna like,
1048
01:08:14,048 --> 01:08:15,924
you know, be super upset,
1049
01:08:16,009 --> 01:08:17,551
and, like, set me on fire and be like,
1050
01:08:17,635 --> 01:08:19,386
"You can never come back
to the synagogue."
1051
01:08:19,471 --> 01:08:23,223
Which is also kind of a fantasy that
l'd never have to go back to the synagogue.
1052
01:08:23,308 --> 01:08:26,310
So boring.
Everyone's breath is horrible there.
1053
01:08:26,394 --> 01:08:28,395
But instead,
1054
01:08:28,480 --> 01:08:33,066
she was very relieved,
1055
01:08:33,151 --> 01:08:35,861
and she actually ended up telling me
1056
01:08:35,945 --> 01:08:40,574
that she herself
had gotten an abortion in the '60s.
1057
01:08:40,658 --> 01:08:43,076
Which is pretty amazing
1058
01:08:43,161 --> 01:08:46,538
because the bushes were so big then,
1059
01:08:49,959 --> 01:08:55,214
that, you know, they must have really,
you know, really had to hunt for it.
1060
01:08:59,511 --> 01:09:03,430
And l can say that because, you know,
once you get an abortion,
1061
01:09:03,515 --> 01:09:06,809
you can reveal who else has had them.
1062
01:09:06,893 --> 01:09:11,814
l decided to be on the list of
the very many women that have done this.
1063
01:09:12,816 --> 01:09:17,694
Tomorrow is Valentine's Day,
and l can honestly say
1064
01:09:20,281 --> 01:09:24,284
it's not going to be
the worst Valentine's Day l've ever had.
1065
01:09:26,871 --> 01:09:29,581
lt's gonna be okay because
1066
01:09:30,583 --> 01:09:33,210
l know that l'm not alone.
1067
01:09:33,294 --> 01:09:36,672
l'm totally here. You guys are here.
1068
01:09:36,756 --> 01:09:38,632
You're all gonna come with me tomorrow.
1069
01:09:41,469 --> 01:09:43,053
But it's going to be...
1070
01:09:51,396 --> 01:09:53,814
l think it's going to be okay.
1071
01:09:53,898 --> 01:09:57,484
And afterwards, l'll just be in my future.
1072
01:09:57,569 --> 01:10:00,612
And, you know, we'll go from there, right?
1073
01:10:00,697 --> 01:10:02,114
l guess so.
1074
01:10:03,283 --> 01:10:04,491
That's really it.
1075
01:10:04,576 --> 01:10:06,827
You guys have been very generous
to me tonight,
1076
01:10:06,911 --> 01:10:08,662
and l've really enjoyed myself.
1077
01:10:08,746 --> 01:10:11,707
So, thank you and happy V-Day.
1078
01:10:11,791 --> 01:10:15,377
Hope you get all the candy
that you want and deserve.
1079
01:10:15,461 --> 01:10:17,296
That's it. Thank you.
1080
01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:19,191
-Morning, sunshine.
-Hey.
1081
01:11:19,275 --> 01:11:21,735
You were so incredible last night.
1082
01:11:23,154 --> 01:11:24,613
He left.
1083
01:11:24,697 --> 01:11:27,366
l was talking about your set.
1084
01:11:27,450 --> 01:11:28,700
Thanks.
1085
01:11:28,785 --> 01:11:30,535
How's your stomach? You want this?
1086
01:11:30,620 --> 01:11:32,996
No, l don't. l just want this.
1087
01:11:34,248 --> 01:11:37,626
Well, when you're ready, l'll call us a cab.
1088
01:11:37,710 --> 01:11:39,878
Are you ready?
1089
01:11:39,963 --> 01:11:41,421
l'm ready.
1090
01:11:43,424 --> 01:11:46,259
Okay, thank you very much. We are outside.
1091
01:11:46,344 --> 01:11:47,594
Five minutes.
1092
01:11:47,679 --> 01:11:48,720
Let's just take the train.
1093
01:11:48,805 --> 01:11:50,889
No, we're aborting in style.
1094
01:11:51,891 --> 01:11:53,558
l'm so cold!
1095
01:11:53,643 --> 01:11:54,643
Freezing.
1096
01:11:54,727 --> 01:11:57,270
Have you ever heard
about the people on Mount Everest
1097
01:11:57,355 --> 01:11:59,272
who are about to die,
and how that is for them?
1098
01:11:59,357 --> 01:12:01,274
No, tell me what happens to them.
1099
01:12:01,359 --> 01:12:02,609
lt's not like what you imagine.
1100
01:12:02,694 --> 01:12:04,903
Like, that there are icicles
coming out of their tears or whatever.
1101
01:12:04,988 --> 01:12:07,155
The Sherpa is like, "Don't sit down."
1102
01:12:07,240 --> 01:12:10,534
But then they sit down, because they're
so tired that they'll just die up there.
1103
01:12:10,618 --> 01:12:12,327
-Oh, my God.
-And all their parkas are still there.
1104
01:12:12,412 --> 01:12:15,038
Max. Max. Max is walking.
1105
01:12:15,123 --> 01:12:18,625
Max is walking up. l'm not kidding,
and he has a bouquet of flowers.
1106
01:12:18,710 --> 01:12:20,252
No, he's coming. He's coming. Yeah.
1107
01:12:20,336 --> 01:12:22,212
-l can't... What do l do?
-You just... l don't know.
1108
01:12:22,296 --> 01:12:24,256
-Pretend l'm saying something.
-You are saying something.
1109
01:12:24,340 --> 01:12:25,465
-God...
-He's coming.
1110
01:12:25,550 --> 01:12:26,842
-He's getting very close.
-What's my face look like?
1111
01:12:26,926 --> 01:12:28,510
lt's happening now. He's here.
1112
01:12:30,888 --> 01:12:32,139
-Hey.
-Hi.
1113
01:12:33,683 --> 01:12:35,809
These are for you.
1114
01:12:35,893 --> 01:12:37,310
That's so nice.
1115
01:12:41,274 --> 01:12:44,735
l thought, maybe, if it was all right with you
1116
01:12:47,530 --> 01:12:48,530
and you,
1117
01:12:50,825 --> 01:12:52,617
l could go with you.
1118
01:13:04,255 --> 01:13:08,592
You can look at my sheet. lt's okay.
l don't have any secrets.
1119
01:13:10,678 --> 01:13:11,803
Nice.
1120
01:13:12,513 --> 01:13:14,890
Mental illness runs in your family.
1121
01:13:15,767 --> 01:13:18,935
Yeah, we have diabetes and depression.
1122
01:13:19,687 --> 01:13:21,354
The diabetes?
1123
01:13:21,439 --> 01:13:23,356
You guys like
to eat a lot of candy in your family?
1124
01:13:23,441 --> 01:13:26,318
Lot of desserts, lot of pie,
lot of brownie sundaes.
1125
01:13:26,402 --> 01:13:28,278
-That's darling.
-Yeah.
1126
01:13:33,868 --> 01:13:35,535
So cold out today.
1127
01:13:37,080 --> 01:13:41,708
When l looked on weather.com
this morning to pick out my outfit,
1128
01:13:42,752 --> 01:13:45,796
l saw that it is the coldest day of the year.
1129
01:13:45,880 --> 01:13:47,130
Really?
1130
01:13:48,424 --> 01:13:52,844
l heard they're going to start naming
snowstorms like they do with hurricanes.
1131
01:13:52,929 --> 01:13:55,555
That's how intense
it's going to be from now on.
1132
01:13:57,934 --> 01:13:59,392
The Donna.
1133
01:14:00,520 --> 01:14:02,604
Snowstorm of the century.
1134
01:14:02,980 --> 01:14:04,523
Donna Two.
1135
01:14:04,607 --> 01:14:06,733
Have you ever watched
a weather report before?
1136
01:14:06,818 --> 01:14:08,151
Man, l got to get on that.
1137
01:14:08,236 --> 01:14:10,904
-Just movie trailers for you, huh?
-ls that what that is?
1138
01:14:10,988 --> 01:14:12,405
ls that all?
1139
01:14:19,330 --> 01:14:21,706
l'm sorry l took off last night.
1140
01:14:22,625 --> 01:14:24,668
l got your voicemails.
1141
01:14:26,254 --> 01:14:28,839
l just didn't know what to do.
1142
01:14:31,175 --> 01:14:35,470
l also made a very extreme move last night.
1143
01:14:36,389 --> 01:14:37,806
Yeah, but
1144
01:14:39,684 --> 01:14:41,685
it was an asshole move on my part.
1145
01:14:41,769 --> 01:14:42,853
No.
1146
01:14:43,563 --> 01:14:47,357
l think we're both just trying to figure out
1147
01:14:48,568 --> 01:14:52,821
-how to do everything.
-Yeah.
1148
01:14:52,905 --> 01:14:56,825
l really wanted to tell you
when we were at dinner, but then you...
1149
01:14:56,909 --> 01:15:01,621
l freaked out because you started talking
about wanting to be a grandfather.
1150
01:15:01,706 --> 01:15:04,207
And you thought l meant, like, tomorrow?
1151
01:15:04,292 --> 01:15:06,168
Well, you're, like, 76, right?
1152
01:15:06,252 --> 01:15:07,711
Yeah. Yep.
1153
01:15:08,462 --> 01:15:10,422
l just don't... You know.
1154
01:15:10,506 --> 01:15:13,091
We've just been acquainted.
1155
01:15:13,176 --> 01:15:16,469
l didn't know if you'd be okay with this.
1156
01:15:16,554 --> 01:15:18,555
Are you okay with this?
1157
01:15:20,349 --> 01:15:22,225
Yeah. Yes.
1158
01:15:23,060 --> 01:15:24,769
-Of course.
-Good.
1159
01:15:26,230 --> 01:15:29,065
l want to be a grandpa, you know, someday.
1160
01:15:30,818 --> 01:15:33,904
-Dad first and then... Right.
-Yeah.
1161
01:15:44,207 --> 01:15:49,878
This may be the best/worst Valentine's Day
l have ever had.
1162
01:15:52,089 --> 01:15:54,090
Which one of you is Donna?
1163
01:15:56,302 --> 01:15:58,011
Follow me, please.
1164
01:16:00,890 --> 01:16:02,265
Okay.
1165
01:16:10,316 --> 01:16:12,692
Well, thank you for coming.
1166
01:16:13,945 --> 01:16:15,862
Thanks for letting me.
1167
01:16:17,448 --> 01:16:19,491
See you on the other side?
1168
01:16:54,819 --> 01:16:57,487
Hi, Donna.
The sedative should be taking effect.
1169
01:16:57,571 --> 01:16:59,531
Are you feeling relaxed?
1170
01:17:13,004 --> 01:17:16,047
Okay, Donna,
we're going to start the procedure now.
1171
01:17:16,132 --> 01:17:19,551
Let us know if you feel
any discomfort at any time.
1172
01:18:13,230 --> 01:18:16,274
-Here you go. lt's hot. Careful.
-Thank you.
1173
01:18:25,076 --> 01:18:26,826
Do you want to put your feet up?
1174
01:18:26,911 --> 01:18:28,078
Okay.
1175
01:18:33,042 --> 01:18:35,585
-How's that?
-lt's good.
1176
01:18:37,171 --> 01:18:40,632
l made a bunch of friends
in the waiting room
1177
01:18:40,716 --> 01:18:42,133
at the DMV.
1178
01:18:43,844 --> 01:18:45,220
Oh, God.
1179
01:18:45,304 --> 01:18:47,389
We weren't at the DMV.
1180
01:18:47,473 --> 01:18:49,015
l got my license renewed.
1181
01:18:49,100 --> 01:18:50,809
You did?
1182
01:18:50,893 --> 01:18:53,353
Were you not... l got the car inspected.
1183
01:18:53,437 --> 01:18:56,314
You know, l think they towed my car.
1184
01:18:56,941 --> 01:19:00,276
Yeah, they sort of took
a lot of stuff out of the trunk.
1185
01:19:00,361 --> 01:19:02,612
And, you know, for a second,
l was afraid to drive it again,
1186
01:19:02,696 --> 01:19:04,030
but l think l probably will.
1187
01:19:04,115 --> 01:19:07,367
-So you were there? You were at the DMV.
-Yeah.
1188
01:19:07,451 --> 01:19:08,785
That was us.
1189
01:19:11,080 --> 01:19:13,039
-Do you want to watch a movie?
-Always.
1190
01:19:13,124 --> 01:19:14,249
Okay.
1191
01:19:15,668 --> 01:19:18,211
Let's see what we got going on here.
1192
01:19:23,426 --> 01:19:25,468
lt is nothing but romantic comedies.
1193
01:19:26,178 --> 01:19:28,012
l just hate that type of film.
1194
01:19:29,223 --> 01:19:31,266
l don't connect to it.
1195
01:19:31,350 --> 01:19:32,725
Here we go.
1196
01:19:33,561 --> 01:19:35,061
We have hit the mother lode.
1197
01:19:35,146 --> 01:19:38,565
Gone with the Wind is about to start.
Have you ever seen this?
1198
01:19:38,649 --> 01:19:40,191
l have not.
1199
01:19:40,276 --> 01:19:42,318
l've never seen it either.
1200
01:19:43,487 --> 01:19:45,572
Do you want to watch it?
1201
01:19:45,656 --> 01:19:48,575
l mean, l do, but it's, like, 1 0 hours long.
1202
01:19:49,869 --> 01:19:52,078
Do you have somewhere to be?
89286
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