All language subtitles for Traffic Light s01e09 Best Man.eng

ADAM (on phone):
Wait. Hold on. Hold on a second.

(laughing)
You gave her a key?

What do you mean,
you gave her a key?

You mean, you gave her a key,
for, like,

a specific purpose, right?
Like, walking Carl,

or something?
Like a temp key? Right?

No, no, there's
no such thing as a temp key.

(laughs)
Yeah, you're right.

No. Guys, I wanted
to give her a key.

This girl is special.

Wow.
Wow.

I even gave her a drawer.

Whoa.
A drawer?

Yeah.
ADAM: No way.

I love my drawer.

Well, only the best
for you, baby.

Think I could
have another one?

Two drawers?!

Two drawers.

Yeah, right. Two.

Wow. That's almost a bureau.
(laughing)

I did not think
you'd fall so fast, Ethan.

You're now in the Federal Bureau

of Being Whipped.

You're in the Whip-ness
Protection Program.

(laughing)

Hello?

Hello? You guys?

Hey.

Hummus.
America's favorite finger food.

(groans)
Oh, I lost my Band-Aid.

Well, I guess
this snack time is over.

Listen, Adam,
I need you to focus.

I need you to blast out another
article for me this weekend.

"The Bloke Guide
to the Ultimate Bachelor Party."

Bachelor party? We do that,
like, every third issue.

Yeah, but this one, we're going
to crunk it in the keister.

You're going to go
all gonzo on it, okay?

You're going to embed yourself.

Pick one of your dumbass,
flunky friends,

make him the bachelor, and then
get all perverted with it.

Make sure I'm
on the guest list.

Okay. I see.

Kev, is this article inspired by
the fact that you don't have

weekend plans?
(laughs)

No! I have weekend plans.

I'm getting brain damage
at your friend's bachelor party.

All right.

I'm going
to be honest with you.

Kev's going through a bit
of a dry spell right now.

I don't know what it is.

I got night sweats.
I can't stop crying.

My teeth are always bloody.

Look, I need you
to do this for me.

Sure. Fine.

Awesome.

Whoo! Bachelor party!

"B" is for "bachelor."

What are you... Oh.
You shouldn't...

WOMAN: Ow.
Ooh.

Sorry, Denise.
What's going on, man?

Nice throw, Adam.

Lisa, Reggie,
great job with this.

We're going with your
idea for the account.

Whoa!
Great. Thank you.

That's fantastic.

Well, I got to tell you,
it's always a pleasure

working with Lisa.

Well, that's good
'cause I love teamwork.

You know, when we
sit down, you can really...

you can really feel
the creative juices flowing.

Right.

I mean, when we get to it,

you got to watch out,
(chuckles)

'cause there's
an eruption,

and it just...
keeps coming.

Whoa. Yeah, it's good.

Well that's great. Let's
put this on the fast track.

I want to crew you up, send
you down to Hondo Falls

for the weekend,
and shoot it.

Get out of town.
Yeah.

Literally.
Wow.

Ha.
A weekend together.

That's fantastic.
That's fantastic. A weekend.

Lis.
Yeah?

We creamed it.

(chuckles): Yeah.
We're the cream team!

Wow.
(chuckling)

This is terrific.

An article about
bachelor parties?

Kev is totally
wasting your talent.

Thank you.

Besides, you're
not exactly

the guy I'd call
to throw a rager.

Whoa. Whoa.
I can throw a rager.

All right? I totally rage.

I just keep my rage in the cage
for professional reasons.

Adam, I heard how you killed
Mike's bachelor party.

That was a special circumstance,

and I'm glad you brought up
Mike's bachelor party,

which was a special
circumstance.

Yeah, you just said that.

Because I'm going
to make Mike the bachelor.

I'm going to re-do his party.

Because you ruined
his last one?

A special circumstance.

All right, Michael.
Here we go.

(men cheering)

To the last night of freedom.

(all cheering)

Are you boys ready for a dance?

I'm ready, baby.

Oh, that accent.
Uh, Russian?

Croatian.
Oh...

Were you affected
by the genocide?

Oh, my God.

(sobbing)
MIKE: Dude.

Really?

Oh, sweetie, even I know
not to talk to strippers.

I had three beers.

And you're a humanitarian.

Thanks.

MIKE:
Dude, you don't have to re-do my bachelor party.

Mike, come on. I was your
best man, and I let you down.

I'm going to make
it up to you.

You know, don't do that.
Come on.

Guys, I learned my lesson.
I know the rules.

I'm going to throw you

the best make-up bachelor
party of all time.

Are you down
with that?

I said, are you down with that?

Yeah. Yeah.
What? Yeah.

All right.
Yeah, all right.

It is going to be insane.

Oh, insane.
Insane.

Yeah. Speaking of insane,
I'm going to give the ladies

some of these stuffed
mushrooms that I created.

It's going to
blow their minds.

(chuckles)

Those look good.

They look insane.
Those are insane.

Insane.
Love you guys.

I knew this day
would come.

I guess we've
got to tell him.

No, we aren't going
to tell him.

Yes. Because, you know,
now would be the time.

No, five years ago
would be the time.

Right now, we just act like it's
the best idea we ever heard.

Fine. You're the
bachelor again.

You're right.
You know what? I am.

Besides, look, it's Adam
throwing the party.

It's not like it's going
to get out of hand.

It's going to be
the three of us.

We're just going to hang out,
have some beers. It's fine.

We're just going to have
to clear it with the tower.

"Clear it with the tower."
What do you mean?

If it's a bachelor party,
we have to ask for permission.

You have to ask
for permission.

Oh, my God.

That's what comes with the
drawer and the key, and...

What's wrong with you?

No, I would love to shoot
the campaign for you.

Awesome.
Thank you for thinking of me.

With you there,
it will be so much easier

to deal with this guy Reggie.

Everything that he says has
this weird sexual undertone.

I don't know
if he's hitting on me, or...

But you're going
to be a great buffer.

And... a great photographer.

Oh, yeah. Goes without saying.

Kind of did go without
saying. (gasps)

Oh...
I'm so mean.

(both laughing)

Hey, sweetie.
Um, Adam has this thing...

Yeah, Callie
told me all about it.

The bachelor party do-over.

Do what you want.
I trust you completely.

Just remember,
you feed Tommy on that lap.

Yes, I do.
Ew.

I love you, baby.
Let me get you another refill.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you.

Oh.

Dude, that wasn't
hard at all.

You don't get it.
That's ten years in, son.

That is some...

That is some serious,
deep, kung fu,

"use her own weight to throw
her on the mat" kind of magic.

You're going to have to
use a different tack.

I got one for you.
Michael,

I know you think you've got
this relationship stuff wired,

but honestly, it's just about
simple human communication.

So I told Alexa
about our evening.

MIKE (on phone):
And?

Little wrinkle.
ADAM: Little wrinkle?

What's the little wrinkle?

I would love to come!

All right.

You're an idiot!
Idiot!

Guys, I'm sorry.

I freaked out.
Well, uninvite her.

'Cause you're going to ruin
my fake bachelor party.

Yeah, which is gonna rage.

Ethan, a bachelor party
is like a fort.

MIKE:
Are girls allowed in the fort?

No.

No, they are not.

Case study: The Little Rascals.

Boom.

The Little Rascals
is essentially

the greatest
bachelor party ever.

ADAM: Totally.
What?

I mean, these guys
are skipping school,

they're going fishing.

They're having soap box derbies.
All is good.

And then Darla shows up.

And then they
lose their minds, Ethan.

Boom. Aneurysm.

(barks)
MIKE: Spanky becomes a zombie.

Buckwheat becomes a zombie.

Froggy's a zombie.
Even Petey's a zombie.

He's a dog zombie.

MIKE:
There's zombies all around.

No more Little Rascals.

It's The Little Zombies now.
Exactly!

Oh, my God. That's terrible!

Who are these little rascals,
exactly?

ADAM: Ah...
(Mike sighs)

That whole analogy
was wasted on you.

All righty.

I am off for my night
of debauchery.

All right, baby.

You three gross it up real nice.

We will. Thank you.

Actually, it's not just
three of us anymore.

I'm gonna go pick up
Mike's boss right now.

Great. See?

You got a posse.

Can't get crazy
without the posse.

I wish I could tell you
I could keep these guys

under control, but once
I pack them into my car,

things could get out of hand.

You... Baby? Baby?

Your-Your car
is the party wagon?

Oh. Good point.

Party wagon!

I am the king of nasty boogaloo.

(bottle clatter)
Whoa.

Adam!

Hey.

How you doing?

I'm okay.

Okay. So...

No, I'm not.
I'm actually not.

Uh, look,

I know things
have been really weird

between the two of us,
ever since...

I invited myself over to your
friend's "B" and "B" and "Q."

No. I don't think so.

You know, we haven't
even seen each other

since then, so it's, uh...

It's been tense, fractured.

Tad. Adam.

Tadam. It's not copasetic.

Do you know
what that means?

It was, uh...

Did you just say "Tadam"?

Yeah. Yes, I did.

That's just something I've been
writing in my binder.

Let's just ring this up.

And then, uh, we are good.

Really? We're good?

We're good.

(laughs)

You do not know how good
that makes me feel, bud.

All right.

Oh, yeah.
Tadam's back.

Hey, where the heck
is this party going down?

Let's get crazy.

I'll grab some cookies.
We'll do this.

Tadam! We're undeniable!

That's alcohol.

Yeah, man.

Whoo!

So, I'm going to go.

And you're cool
with being uninvited?

All right.

I was going to go
for a second.

I'm going to leave.

So Alexa said she was
totally cool not coming,

but she didn't
really seem cool.

Hmm. That's called
manipulation.

Congratulations.
You're a grown-up now.

Do you think if I text her,
she'll text me right back?

I shouldn't text her.
I'm gonna text her.

What has happened to you?
What's happened to you?

You turned into, like,
a little schoolgirl.

You're like a schoolgirl.
Party people in the house.

Whoa.

That's my boss. Hey.

You brought the whole crew.

Oh, yeah. Oh, you're referring
to my posse?

Because I don't go anywhere
without them.

Isn't that right, posse?

Hey, you know,

I find that whole
co-opting of gang speak

vaguely racist.
Oh. Oh. No.

No, no, no.
I'm really sorry.

I'm just yanking
your chain, homie.

Oh. Yanking...
(laughing)

Now, if you can make sure I get
one of them purple drinks

in this hizzie, I won't have
to corpse your bitch white ass.

Oh...

I don't even know
what I just said.

Hey!
(all laughing)

You know what I'm saying?
Wow.

Here we go. To Mike.

Mike.
The big guy.

All right. Cheers.

Ah... Boom goes the dynamite.

(clears throat)
One more, please.

Really? Buddy, slow down there.

It's still early.

In your dreams, Miguelita.

TAD:
Miguelita.

That means "little Mike,"
the feminine version of it.

Yes.

Who's the Spanish professor
here?

That's, uh, Tad
from the convenience store.

Tad?
TAD: Hey, I get it.

It's always awkward

when two friends
of a friend meet each other.

You know, neither's
sure who's

the better friend.

It's not really awkward for me.

Oh, okay, tough guy.

How about now, huh?

We're playing, uh,
best friend chicken.

Yep, that's
a lot more awkward.

That's what I thought.
Round one goes to Tad.

(laughing)

Wow.
Yeah, but he did win that one.

REGGIE:
Mm.

Callie.

Your portfolio's
incredible.

Wow, thank you.
Yeah.

I mean, what you're doing here
with the rainy streets

and the reflection
in the puddles--

really diggin' on it.

You know, real
neo-noir type stuff.

Yeah. Yeah, that's
totally what I was doing. Yeah.

I'm hard-pressed to find words.

Mmm...

All right.

Got to stop and pay it up.

REGGIE:
Mmm.

Yeah, oh, man. Mmm.

This portfolio's really
getting my juices flowing.

You know what?
I need some beef jerky.

Beef time, right?

Yeah? You guys in?

Beefy J?
I'm good.

Callie, beefy J?

No, thank you.
No? You guys

don't want to hop
on the beef train? No.

Thank you. That's sweet.
All right.

I'm gonna ride
the beef train solo, then.

Choo-choo.

* I'm on the beef train. *

Seriously.
I don't know what you're talking about.

He seems fine.

Oh, come on.

Okay, I think
you're just blinded

by the fact that he
likes your portfolio.

Maybe. But,
come on, he also...

he offered us
some beefy J. Exactly.

Beefy J's?

No one says that.

All right, I know
what you guys said.

But sometimes no...

doesn't always mean no.

That's a date-rape joke.

B.J. time.

Oh...

Wow.
I'm good, thanks.

Come on, put it in your mouth.
I'm really fine.

Put it in your mouth.

I-I'm a
vegetarian.

Maybe, then...

you want to jerk my turkey.

(laughing)
(fake laughing)

REGGIE:
There you go.

(several chanting):
Inflate! Inflate!

Mike, you know what, Adam's
doing a pretty good job.

He gets an "A" for effort.
Yeah, he is raging.

You think we, uh,
made a mistake back when...

Nope, we did not. We will not
speak of that night again.

Okay.

Kaboom!

You all ready to blow
this town up, or what?!

(laughs)
Hey!

Hey, dead man walking,
right, Mark?

Mike.

Whatever, jerk.
So, we're about

to go to the Naughty
Ladies' Club after this.

Naughty Ladies'
Club sucks, bro.

Not enough tarts
up in there.

(phone ringing)
Ooh. Stand by.

I think this is the
woman I hired that we can all eat sushi off of.

Konichiwa.

It's my sitter.

Oh, I got to get
some ibuprofen-- Tommy's teething.

Look, guys, I'm gonna have
to swing by my house real quick.

Yeah, don't worry
about this guy-- I'm gonna bird-dog him,

make sure he doesn't
get too tired

and wuss out
on this bachelor paradise.

We're gonna catch up
with you, all right? Yeah, I'm gonna

ride shotgun, give me
a chance to get some air.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Okay, yeah,

we're just gonna take this
with us. Thank you.

Uh...

You ever worked
in sales, Tad?

Why, are you a cop?

Come on, Mike, let's go.
You're missing everything.

Look, they broke into
a petting zoo already.

I see.
What we need is a mascot,

like, uh, Mike's
first bachelor party.

Right. Petey,
the lawn pelican.

We swiped him from his
grandparents' house.

Yeah, Petey. You know, Mike
never throws anything away.

I'll bet it's in
his garage somewhere.

(phone rings)
Ooh.

Okay, just give him
one of these if he wakes up, all right?

Mike!
Yep?

I got a smiley-faced emoticon

from Alexa.
Mm, that's not necessarily a good thing.

But it's smiling.
Yeah, but it could be sincere,

could be ironic,
but it could be a trap.

All right, that's
it, I'm calling her.

You sure you
want to do that?

When are you gonna
stop judging me?

God, you're a mess.
You're the mess.

Ah, look what I got.

Good old Petey,

the drunkest pelican
in the world.

What the hell are you doing?

What else is in here?

Oh, look at that.

Bachelor party T-shirts, huh?

I don't
remember making

any of these.
Oh, no, no, no.

He's got my T-shirt.
What? Oh, my...

ADAM:
Wait a second, this is

the wrong date--
this is the night before your wedding.

Didn't you have a quiet night
with Lisa the night before?

That's not my shirt.
I'm... I don't really know

whose shirt that is.
Wait a second.

Look at all these pictures

of you wearing
the shirts with a bunch of strippers

I've never seen before.

Tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him.

Tell him.

I am not
telling him. Tell him.

I'm not gonna tell him.

We had a second bachelor party
that you weren't invited to.

What?

REGGIE:
You know what I think this weekend should be about?

Creativity.

Just total freedom.

Okay.
Yeah, that's fine.

REGGIE:
Right?

I say we get to the hotel,

we leave our cells in the car,

we crack open a bottle of vino,

and we just let the juices
begin to flow.

Just bang this thing
out all night long.

Okay, watch it there.

You know?
Just a real free-for-all,

where my juices
combine with your juices,

your juices combine
with my juices,

each of your juices
are combined together

into a reservoir of juice.

Okay, Callie, what
did I tell you? We are soaked

You're absolutely right--
he is out of control. Thank you.

Excuse me?
You really don't know?

My juices, your juices.

Yes?
Beefy J's?

Yes, beefy J's.
It's inappropriate.

Dude, all the juice talk.

You know, whatever
little, like, sex party

What?!
you think is gonna happen...

"What?" It's not.

Sex party?
"Sex party?"

It's not.
No.

Oh, my God!

What?
Oh, come on, man.

Oh, don't play coy.

It's just pathetic.
You know what you're doing.

I-I've obviously
miscommunicated in some way.

I mean, I... I'm just trying to
keep things young and fun here.

I mean, do you know why I was
let go from Haskell and Timmons?

Because they said
I was too stodgy.

They said I wasn't
hip enough to write copy for ladies' jeans.

That's... he's right.

That's... I-I heard that.
I'm sorry.

Okay, yeah, well, so I finally
get the opportunity

to work on, like, a hip,
happening sports drink,

you know, with, like, cool,

creative people, and
I get diminished,

once again, by the mean girls.

Okay,

I'm s... I'm sorry.
Look, Reggie, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean it.
I misunderstood.

Well, you know
what you did.

You spanked me,
with your words.

And you spanked me.

And the two of you
bent me over each of your knees

and you pulled down my pants
and you just spanked me.

Okay, Reggie.

You have a problem.

It's your words.

All right, I'm unclear.

There's obviously
been a misunderstanding.

Mike, just
tell me the truth.

Okay. Remember when
you sort of extinguished my first bachelor party?

First of all,
I didn't extinguish

your first bachelor party,
I merely had a conversation

with a stripper
about a genocide.

Go on.

Well, uh, you know,
a bunch of the guys,

we got together
and decided to do it again.

Oh, just decided
to have a secret,

second bachelor party without
inviting your best man. If you spin it

like that, you know,
it sounds a lot more cruel. To be fair,

I wanted to tell you about it
two days ago.

(doorbell rings)
Oh, we're just selling each other out

now, is that
what we're doing?

Two days ago is
better than today!

Oh, please, you just
threw me under the bus...

He's in here!

Hey!

The bachelor
left the party,

so we brought
the party

to the bachelor, right, Mark?

Mike. Who are these people?

Kev's parties are
like snowballs--

the longer they roll,
the bigger they get.

I'm gonna go and
try Alexa again.

There's no party here!

Come on, Adam, help me out.
Hm? Oh,

I'm sorry, Mike, I thought
this was, like, your thing.

So I'm gonna
officially retire

as your best man. Good
luck with this, buddy.

Hey! No, no, no, no!

Do you even see the pain there?

All that man does is give.

Mark, I'm
disappointed.

How could you?

Oh, this is bad.
Adam!

This is so bad.

Gentlemen, those are
my son's sippy cups.

Party's over.
Thanks, guys.

Adam, come on!
Where are you?

Wha... What are you
still doing here?

No, no, you... you should
not be seeing this.

Here, just, uh, you know
what, just take it all.

It's... it's good.

(phone ringing)
Oh!

Hey, baby!

Hey, honey, Reggie had
some kind of breakdown.

We had nothing
to do with it.

Wow.

His wife came and
picked him up.

He's gonna be fine.
Anyway,

the shoot's off, and
we're gonna be home in, like, a half an hour.

Oh, maybe 45 with traffic.

Can I have this
conversation, please?

Okay.
All right.

I love you.

I love you.

(laughs)
Callie.

Oh...
Mike, good news.

Alexa texted me, very
brief and very cryptic,

so I texted her back
saying where we were and I hope we can

work it out-- that's
a strong move, right? I don't care.

Lisa is gonna be home
in 30 minutes!

She trusted me!
If she sees this,

she's gonna go nuts!
Right, yeah,

'cause this has kind of
spiraled out of control. You think?

It's not even
the initial lie.

You know? It's the five years
of cover-up that followed.

Dude, that totally sucks.

And it's something
that I would never do as your best friend...

if I was your best friend.

(whispers):
Oh, God.

Hi.
Hey. What's going on?

Okay, a lot of bad
stuff that I wasn't a part of organizing.

I'm merely an onlooker.

I mean, in the sense that I
wasn't looking at anything.

Anything else
you want to say?

Yes. Lots of guys were
getting lap dances,

but I did not get
a lap dance, because I did not feel the need,

because although my lap was
here, my heart was elsewhere.

Come here.
(laughing)

Also, uh,
I got a lap dance.

There you are.

What, are you gonna
break his heart again?

Look, Lisa's gonna
be home any second now.

I don't got time
for some big apology.

The night before my wedding,
we went out and we redid

my bachelor party,
and I didn't invite you because some of the guys

thought that you...
were a bit of a buzz kill.

Wow, that's
a good apology.

The truth is, they're
kind of right. I mean,

you can be
a bit of a buzz kill.

Because you're a good guy
and you care about people

and you're sane
and you're rational.

That's why
you're my best friend,

and that's why I picked you
to be my best man.

Yeah, but the best man
is supposed to be the guy

who throws the killer
bachelor party. Who cares?!

You... you know
when you were great?

On my wedding day,

when you had the rings
and you had

my vows in your pocket 'cause
you knew I might forget 'em.

You weren't feeling well,
you know, you had the flu and...

You didn't have the flu.
No,

I was hung over
'cause I was out all night

at a pretty amazing party,

which I unfairly
excluded you from.

But, look,

you were my best man then,
you're my best man now.

And if you get married someday

and you don't choose me
to be your best man...

I'm gonna be really pissed.

(whispers):
Go to him.

Come here.

I'm sorry.

I'm gonna throw you
the most incredible

bachelor party
you could possibly imagine.

But right now,
I need you to do

what you do best--
I need you to go out there,

I need you to suck
the life out of this mess,

like only you know how.

Yeah. I'm gonna do it.
Thank you.

(exhales)

Excuse me, sweetie,
can I just...

grab that from you here?

Everybody, listen up.

(electronic feedback)
Pay attention.

Hey, hey, what's going on?

What accent is that?

Haitian.

Jackpot.

Earthquakes, famine,

cholera.

Your thoughts?

Oh, Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.
Kev, Kev, Kev, Kev.

Listen, buddy, I'm
gonna be your conscience on this one, all right?

I'm gonna take $200
out of your wallet,

I'm gonna give it
to Mark here, okay?

Consider that
the idiot tax.

Who is Mark?
Exactly.

Have a good night
there, idiot.

By the way,
this diaper works great.

Okay.

Ooh!

We got to clean
this place up, like, now.

Well, we've cleaned
worse faster.

Let's do it.
Yeah.

LISA: I just wanted, you know,
to say good night.

What is that
doing there? Oh, yeah.

He, uh, missed his mom.

MIKE:
Not Adam's best idea,

I got to say.

CALLIE: Well, at least
our ride home rocks.

ADAM:
Wait... a second.

Who says we got
to go home, right?

I got this thing
till 6:00 a.m.

Shall we rage?

Let's rage.

Tadam!
Tadam!

We're undeniable!
Whoo!

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