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Anthony Jeselnik.
2
00:00:09,367 --> 00:00:10,367
-MAN: Anthony.
-WOMAN: Anthony.
3
00:00:10,433 --> 00:00:11,373
-MAN: Anthony.
-WOMAN: Jeselnik.
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00:00:11,367 --> 00:00:12,497
Jeselnik!
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00:00:12,500 --> 00:00:13,570
Anthony Jeselnik.
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00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:14,697
WOMEN:
Anthony Jeselnik!
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00:00:14,767 --> 00:00:16,067
WOMAN:
Anthony Jeselnik.
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00:00:16,067 --> 00:00:17,827
-Anthony Jeselnik.
-MAN: Anthony Jeselnik.
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00:00:17,833 --> 00:00:18,933
Anthony Jeselnik.
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00:00:19,000 --> 00:00:20,270
Anthony Jeselnik!
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00:00:20,267 --> 00:00:22,467
[ Cheers and applause ]
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00:00:55,933 --> 00:00:57,573
I know, right?
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00:00:57,567 --> 00:00:59,197
[ Laughter ]
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00:01:00,267 --> 00:01:01,927
Thank you, guys.
15
00:01:01,933 --> 00:01:04,603
So great to be here in Chicago.
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I love this city.
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00:01:07,300 --> 00:01:08,600
I like Chicago.
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00:01:08,600 --> 00:01:10,070
Like, I respect Chicago.
You know what I mean?
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00:01:10,067 --> 00:01:12,497
Like, if I smoke a cigarette
here in Chicago,
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00:01:12,500 --> 00:01:14,070
I'm very polite,
21
00:01:14,067 --> 00:01:17,867
and I'll put it out
in an ashtray or a garbage can.
22
00:01:17,867 --> 00:01:20,627
If I was back in L.A., I would
do what I would normally do
23
00:01:20,633 --> 00:01:22,503
and just...
24
00:01:22,500 --> 00:01:23,630
[ Laughter ]
25
00:01:23,633 --> 00:01:25,273
...flick it at a kid.
26
00:01:25,267 --> 00:01:27,167
[ Laughter ]
27
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:41,170
I really do love this town.
28
00:01:41,167 --> 00:01:44,227
I actually once went on a date
with a girl from Chicago.
29
00:01:44,233 --> 00:01:45,903
Now, this was like 10 years ago,
30
00:01:45,900 --> 00:01:48,630
back before
I was even a comedian yet.
31
00:01:48,633 --> 00:01:52,533
Back then I was just a regular
old piece of shit like you guys.
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00:01:52,533 --> 00:01:53,673
[ Laughter ]
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00:01:59,733 --> 00:02:02,473
But I'll never forget this date,
you know?
34
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:04,067
We meet up at a bar.
35
00:02:04,067 --> 00:02:05,667
We start drinking,
we start talking.
36
00:02:05,667 --> 00:02:08,197
We're laughing together,
we're connecting.
37
00:02:08,200 --> 00:02:10,200
It was great.
38
00:02:10,200 --> 00:02:14,230
But then we leave the bar,
we go back to her place.
39
00:02:14,233 --> 00:02:16,903
And as soon
as we walk in the front door,
40
00:02:16,900 --> 00:02:20,900
she passes out cold
on her couch.
41
00:02:20,900 --> 00:02:24,070
Now, I went to college.
42
00:02:24,067 --> 00:02:25,597
[ Laughter ]
43
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:35,597
I knew I had a million options.
44
00:02:35,600 --> 00:02:37,430
[ Laughter ]
45
00:02:43,933 --> 00:02:48,433
But I'm a gentleman,
so I did the smart thing.
46
00:02:48,433 --> 00:02:51,233
I just got a blanket,
I tucked her in,
47
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and I left her a note that said,
"You got raped."
48
00:02:55,067 --> 00:02:57,297
[ Laughter ]
49
00:03:15,433 --> 00:03:16,803
Thank you.
50
00:03:16,800 --> 00:03:19,430
[ Laughter ]
51
00:03:19,433 --> 00:03:21,203
I feel like it's very important,
52
00:03:21,200 --> 00:03:25,700
very important to open up
my show with a rape joke.
53
00:03:25,700 --> 00:03:27,130
[ Laughter ]
54
00:03:28,900 --> 00:03:32,400
Just to see what kind of crowd
I'm dealing with here.
55
00:03:33,333 --> 00:03:34,773
You guys are gonna be great.
56
00:03:34,767 --> 00:03:37,297
[ Laughter ]
57
00:03:37,300 --> 00:03:40,570
But if you were upset
or you were offended in any way,
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00:03:40,567 --> 00:03:42,097
please don't worry.
59
00:03:42,100 --> 00:03:45,430
I've only got
two more rape jokes...
60
00:03:45,433 --> 00:03:47,073
[ Laughter ]
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00:03:49,100 --> 00:03:51,770
...and I'll wait
about 15 minutes.
62
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,670
But don't think I'm a bad person
for making that joke.
63
00:03:56,667 --> 00:03:58,897
Don't think I'm a bad guy
for saying that.
64
00:03:58,900 --> 00:04:00,270
I'm a good guy.
65
00:04:00,267 --> 00:04:03,597
Like, I would never hit a woman,
you know?
66
00:04:03,600 --> 00:04:05,900
I would never hit a woman,
67
00:04:05,900 --> 00:04:09,100
even if she had a knife or...
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00:04:09,100 --> 00:04:10,370
a stutter.
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00:04:10,367 --> 00:04:12,697
[ Laughter ]
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00:04:23,233 --> 00:04:25,503
It's not how I do business.
71
00:04:26,533 --> 00:04:30,903
In fact, I might be one of
the greatest guys of all time.
72
00:04:31,900 --> 00:04:34,670
Like, I've got a kid in Africa.
73
00:04:34,667 --> 00:04:38,927
Yeah, I've got a kid in Africa
that I feed,
74
00:04:38,933 --> 00:04:41,533
that I clothe,
75
00:04:41,533 --> 00:04:43,403
that I school,
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00:04:43,400 --> 00:04:45,870
that I inoculate
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00:04:45,867 --> 00:04:48,427
for 75 cents a day.
78
00:04:49,300 --> 00:04:52,070
Which is practically nothing,
you know,
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00:04:52,067 --> 00:04:55,727
compared to what it cost
to send him there.
80
00:04:55,733 --> 00:04:57,173
[ Laughter ]
81
00:04:58,867 --> 00:05:00,367
[ Applause ]
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00:05:10,200 --> 00:05:14,070
You guys are --
You guys are doing great so far.
83
00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:16,373
I love performing in Chicago.
84
00:05:16,367 --> 00:05:18,727
The only weird thing about
performing in Chicago, for me,
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00:05:18,733 --> 00:05:20,473
is that, after all my shows,
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00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:23,127
everybody just wants to
do drugs with me.
87
00:05:23,133 --> 00:05:25,833
[ Laughter ]
88
00:05:25,833 --> 00:05:27,573
Like,
"Anthony, that was hilarious.
89
00:05:27,567 --> 00:05:30,067
I got a joint on me.
Let's go smoke it."
90
00:05:30,067 --> 00:05:33,727
"Hey, Jeselnik,
amazing job, as usual."
91
00:05:33,733 --> 00:05:35,173
[ Laughter ]
92
00:05:37,300 --> 00:05:39,530
"I've got mushrooms
in my backpack.
93
00:05:39,533 --> 00:05:40,773
Let's eat 'em."
94
00:05:42,167 --> 00:05:43,967
And I've got to
keep telling them
95
00:05:43,967 --> 00:05:46,697
the same thing I'm gonna
tell you guys right now.
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00:05:46,700 --> 00:05:49,100
"Hey, assholes...
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00:05:49,933 --> 00:05:51,433
...I'm fucking famous.
98
00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,903
[ Laughter ]
99
00:05:53,900 --> 00:05:55,500
Give it to me."
100
00:05:55,500 --> 00:05:57,130
[ Laughter ]
101
00:05:57,133 --> 00:05:58,933
[ Applause ]
102
00:06:06,800 --> 00:06:09,300
I think my friend Jeff is gay.
103
00:06:11,067 --> 00:06:12,497
I don't know.
104
00:06:13,333 --> 00:06:15,103
I'm so bad with names.
105
00:06:15,100 --> 00:06:16,400
[ Laughter ]
106
00:06:16,400 --> 00:06:19,630
It's tough.
107
00:06:29,100 --> 00:06:31,370
Smart crowd.
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00:06:35,367 --> 00:06:38,697
When I was a kid,
my friends and I got arrested
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for vandalizing a graveyard.
110
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$10,000 in damages.
111
00:06:44,167 --> 00:06:46,127
But we had a great lawyer
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00:06:46,133 --> 00:06:48,933
who knocked it down
to criminal trespassing
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00:06:48,933 --> 00:06:50,503
and necrophilia.
114
00:06:50,500 --> 00:06:53,200
[ Laughter ]
115
00:07:00,300 --> 00:07:02,300
I make a lot of jokes
about death.
116
00:07:03,633 --> 00:07:05,073
I think it's hilarious.
117
00:07:05,067 --> 00:07:06,467
[ Laughter ]
118
00:07:06,467 --> 00:07:09,067
My whole family's like that,
actually, you know?
119
00:07:09,067 --> 00:07:10,927
[ Siren wails ]
120
00:07:10,933 --> 00:07:12,873
This is how hard
I'm fucking killing.
121
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[ Laughter ]
122
00:07:14,233 --> 00:07:16,073
[ Applause ]
123
00:07:28,667 --> 00:07:31,327
My whole family's like that,
kind of, you know?
124
00:07:31,333 --> 00:07:33,373
In fact,
well before I was even born,
125
00:07:33,367 --> 00:07:37,467
my great-grandmother
threw herself in front of a bus.
126
00:07:38,333 --> 00:07:40,803
Police tried to say
she was committing suicide,
127
00:07:40,800 --> 00:07:43,500
but the family knew
that she was just
128
00:07:43,500 --> 00:07:45,330
trying to stop civil rights.
129
00:07:45,333 --> 00:07:47,503
[ Laughter and applause ]
130
00:08:03,467 --> 00:08:08,327
Yesterday I accidentally
hit a little kid with my car.
131
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:14,103
It wasn't serious, you know?
132
00:08:14,100 --> 00:08:15,630
Nobody saw me.
133
00:08:15,633 --> 00:08:17,703
[ Laughter ]
134
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:28,500
My little sister
had a baby recently.
135
00:08:28,500 --> 00:08:30,130
A little newborn.
136
00:08:30,133 --> 00:08:32,073
Kid is so cute.
137
00:08:32,067 --> 00:08:34,067
But she won't let me hold him.
138
00:08:34,067 --> 00:08:35,797
She refuses.
139
00:08:35,800 --> 00:08:37,600
Says, "No way, Anthony.
140
00:08:37,600 --> 00:08:40,300
I'm afraid
you're gonna drop him."
141
00:08:40,300 --> 00:08:42,830
Like I'm some kind of idiot.
142
00:08:42,833 --> 00:08:46,273
Like I don't have a million
other ways to hurt that baby.
143
00:08:46,267 --> 00:08:48,367
[ Laughter ]
144
00:08:56,733 --> 00:08:58,903
I will get it done.
145
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:00,870
[ Laughter ]
146
00:09:02,100 --> 00:09:05,170
And people get weird
when kids die.
147
00:09:05,167 --> 00:09:07,197
[ Laughter ]
148
00:09:09,900 --> 00:09:13,330
No, that's a fact.
That's a fact.
149
00:09:14,800 --> 00:09:16,500
Like, about a month ago,
150
00:09:16,500 --> 00:09:19,870
some kids in my neighborhood
were playing hide-and-go-seek,
151
00:09:19,867 --> 00:09:23,527
and one of them ended up
in an abandoned refrigerator.
152
00:09:24,533 --> 00:09:27,373
It's all anybody
talked about for weeks.
153
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:29,767
I said, "Who cares?
154
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:33,927
How many kids you know
get to die a winner?"
155
00:09:33,933 --> 00:09:35,573
[ Laughter and applause ]
156
00:09:53,600 --> 00:09:57,230
I assume you guys all knew who
you were coming to see tonight.
157
00:09:58,600 --> 00:10:01,870
But if you didn't,
you sure as shit know now.
158
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:03,627
[ Laughter ]
159
00:10:08,833 --> 00:10:11,033
Like, one thing
I've never understood
160
00:10:11,033 --> 00:10:12,803
is, like, the foot fetish.
161
00:10:12,800 --> 00:10:14,500
Like, are you guys together
right here?
162
00:10:14,500 --> 00:10:16,170
Yeah?
How long you guys been together?
163
00:10:16,167 --> 00:10:18,027
-WOMAN: Five years.
-Five years. Wow.
164
00:10:18,033 --> 00:10:20,403
Do you ever suck on her feet?
165
00:10:22,267 --> 00:10:25,827
No? Would you if you had
a different girlfriend?
166
00:10:25,833 --> 00:10:28,333
[ Laughter ]
167
00:10:32,367 --> 00:10:35,697
Or are you, like,
across-the-board no feet?
168
00:10:35,700 --> 00:10:37,970
-I don't really mind it.
-You don't really mind it?
169
00:10:37,967 --> 00:10:40,527
You just don't do it to her
because you have mistresses.
170
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I get it.
171
00:10:42,967 --> 00:10:45,867
'Cause I'm across-the-board
no feet.
172
00:10:45,867 --> 00:10:49,627
I once went on a date with
a girl where we went hiking.
173
00:10:50,500 --> 00:10:52,100
Her idea.
174
00:10:53,167 --> 00:10:56,367
And while we're hiking,
she gets bit by a snake
175
00:10:56,367 --> 00:10:59,327
in between two toes.
176
00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:02,973
And I had
to suck out the poison.
177
00:11:02,967 --> 00:11:05,127
So she's dead.
178
00:11:20,833 --> 00:11:22,273
-What's your name?
-Bridget.
179
00:11:22,267 --> 00:11:24,927
-Where are you from, Bridget?
-The suburbs.
180
00:11:24,933 --> 00:11:27,203
-The suburbs?
-Yes, that's right.
181
00:11:31,633 --> 00:11:33,803
That sure narrows it down.
182
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:36,070
[ Laughter ]
183
00:11:36,067 --> 00:11:38,067
-What -- What do you do?
-WOMAN: What?
184
00:11:38,067 --> 00:11:41,067
What do you do when you're
not being so fucking boring?
185
00:11:41,067 --> 00:11:43,427
[ Laughter ]
186
00:11:55,233 --> 00:11:57,333
Take your time.
I'm really funny.
187
00:11:57,333 --> 00:11:59,333
[ Laughter ]
188
00:12:01,267 --> 00:12:02,767
I'm a full-time student.
189
00:12:02,767 --> 00:12:05,667
You're a full-time student.
Okay, what do you study?
190
00:12:05,667 --> 00:12:07,067
-WOMAN: Psychology.
-Psychology.
191
00:12:07,067 --> 00:12:08,897
-Where do you go to school?
-Rockford College.
192
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,200
Rockford College?
193
00:12:10,200 --> 00:12:13,300
So you're not gonna be
a good psychologist.
194
00:12:30,567 --> 00:12:32,797
Last question, darling.
195
00:12:34,433 --> 00:12:36,933
Have you ever been
on a blind date before?
196
00:12:36,933 --> 00:12:38,233
-You ever do that?
-No.
197
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:40,273
No?
You're lucky.
198
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:42,970
I went on a blind date once,
199
00:12:42,967 --> 00:12:47,067
just once,
and I will never do it again.
200
00:12:47,067 --> 00:12:49,697
It was the biggest disaster
of all time.
201
00:12:50,667 --> 00:12:53,367
She ended up
being a burn victim...
202
00:12:53,367 --> 00:12:55,767
[ Laughter ]
203
00:13:01,300 --> 00:13:02,500
...by the end of the night.
204
00:13:02,500 --> 00:13:03,900
I mean,
it was, like, the worst...
205
00:13:03,900 --> 00:13:06,300
-[ Laughter ]
-It was brutal.
206
00:13:16,567 --> 00:13:19,367
I've spent the past two years
207
00:13:19,367 --> 00:13:22,227
looking for
my ex-girlfriend's killer.
208
00:13:24,200 --> 00:13:25,900
But no one will do it.
209
00:13:25,900 --> 00:13:27,970
[ Laughter ]
210
00:13:36,100 --> 00:13:38,830
My ex-girlfriend
owned a parakeet.
211
00:13:39,900 --> 00:13:42,200
Did you guys hear
what I just said?
212
00:13:42,200 --> 00:13:44,070
[ Laughter ]
213
00:13:44,067 --> 00:13:46,497
She owned a parakeet.
214
00:13:47,267 --> 00:13:48,897
Oh, my God.
215
00:13:48,900 --> 00:13:51,570
That fucking thing
never shut up.
216
00:13:52,500 --> 00:13:54,170
But the bird was cool.
217
00:13:54,167 --> 00:13:56,067
[ Laughter and applause ]
218
00:14:03,500 --> 00:14:06,170
My ex-girlfriend had a lot of,
like, really annoying habits.
219
00:14:06,167 --> 00:14:09,627
I think the worst was that she
loved to read women's magazines,
220
00:14:09,633 --> 00:14:12,633
like Cosmo or, uh...
221
00:14:12,633 --> 00:14:14,603
or things like Cosmo.
222
00:14:15,633 --> 00:14:19,103
And she would flip straight to
the relationship quiz.
223
00:14:19,100 --> 00:14:21,870
And not only
would she present that to me
224
00:14:21,867 --> 00:14:23,867
as if it was, like,
a fun activity
225
00:14:23,867 --> 00:14:26,067
for us to do together --
226
00:14:26,067 --> 00:14:28,767
even though every question
is designed
227
00:14:28,767 --> 00:14:31,067
to fuck my entire world up.
228
00:14:33,967 --> 00:14:37,267
But even worse is she would
get mad at my answers
229
00:14:37,267 --> 00:14:42,397
and make me change them
so we'd get the best score.
230
00:14:44,067 --> 00:14:46,827
Like, I'll never forget the last
time we played that game.
231
00:14:46,833 --> 00:14:48,573
She was like, "Anthony,
232
00:14:48,567 --> 00:14:50,767
if you could have lunch
with anyone in the world,
233
00:14:50,767 --> 00:14:52,667
living or dead,
who would it be?"
234
00:14:52,667 --> 00:14:55,867
And I said, "I don't know.
Caligula."
235
00:14:55,867 --> 00:14:57,297
[ Laughter ]
236
00:15:03,067 --> 00:15:06,297
And she goes, "Really? Caligula?
That's your answer?
237
00:15:06,300 --> 00:15:09,670
That's what you're gonna say
to me, your girlfriend?
238
00:15:09,667 --> 00:15:11,627
Are you sure?"
239
00:15:11,633 --> 00:15:13,673
I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
240
00:15:13,667 --> 00:15:18,227
Let me change that.
I'd have lunch with you.
241
00:15:18,233 --> 00:15:19,803
And you'd be dead."
242
00:15:19,800 --> 00:15:21,400
[ Laughter ]
243
00:15:28,633 --> 00:15:30,803
Yeah,
we're not together anymore.
244
00:15:31,767 --> 00:15:34,227
She's got a new boyfriend now.
245
00:15:34,233 --> 00:15:36,173
They just moved in together.
246
00:15:36,167 --> 00:15:39,897
And I've heard rumors
that he's abusive,
247
00:15:39,900 --> 00:15:43,300
which makes me want to go
over there with a baseball bat
248
00:15:43,300 --> 00:15:45,170
and then blame it
on her boyfriend.
249
00:15:45,167 --> 00:15:47,427
[ Laughter ]
250
00:15:59,600 --> 00:16:02,770
But I don't want to sound like
a misogynist up here.
251
00:16:04,233 --> 00:16:06,373
My ex-girlfriend wasn't, like,
a bad person, really.
252
00:16:06,367 --> 00:16:08,327
She wasn't a bad girl at all.
253
00:16:08,333 --> 00:16:10,303
But she was terrible in bed.
254
00:16:11,200 --> 00:16:12,600
Terrible in bed.
255
00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,830
I mean,
she would just lie there,
256
00:16:14,833 --> 00:16:17,533
screaming, "No!"
257
00:16:17,533 --> 00:16:18,973
[ Laughter ]
258
00:16:25,700 --> 00:16:27,970
That was rape joke number two,
baby doll.
259
00:16:27,967 --> 00:16:29,597
[ Laughter ]
260
00:16:29,600 --> 00:16:31,730
[ Cheers and applause ]
261
00:16:39,067 --> 00:16:40,767
Yeah, clap it up.
262
00:16:42,233 --> 00:16:44,133
My girlfriend now is great.
263
00:16:44,133 --> 00:16:46,433
My girlfriend now
is almost perfect.
264
00:16:46,433 --> 00:16:48,603
And she hates
that I tell rape jokes.
265
00:16:48,600 --> 00:16:49,970
Hates it.
266
00:16:49,967 --> 00:16:53,227
Says, "Anthony,
how can you make light
267
00:16:53,233 --> 00:16:56,273
of something as terrible as rape
268
00:16:56,267 --> 00:17:00,567
after I told you that
I got raped in high school?"
269
00:17:00,567 --> 00:17:05,097
And I said, "Baby,
because I don't believe you."
270
00:17:05,100 --> 00:17:06,230
[ Laughter ]
271
00:17:22,067 --> 00:17:25,967
The point is, my girlfriend
is very sensitive, all right?
272
00:17:25,967 --> 00:17:28,227
Like, the other day,
she got her hair cut.
273
00:17:28,233 --> 00:17:30,933
Two inches trimmed
off of her hair.
274
00:17:30,933 --> 00:17:36,433
Then she came home and cried
about that for two hours.
275
00:17:36,433 --> 00:17:38,133
Over a haircut.
276
00:17:38,133 --> 00:17:39,773
I couldn't believe it.
Finally, I went to her.
277
00:17:39,767 --> 00:17:42,227
I said, "Baby,
what are you so upset about?
278
00:17:42,233 --> 00:17:44,473
It's just a haircut.
279
00:17:44,467 --> 00:17:47,067
I'm the one that's got to
find a new girlfriend."
280
00:17:47,067 --> 00:17:49,097
[ Laughter ]
281
00:17:57,667 --> 00:17:59,497
Yeah, she got mad.
282
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:03,630
She got really mad at me.
283
00:18:04,333 --> 00:18:06,073
She got really mad at me
a couple months ago
284
00:18:06,067 --> 00:18:09,967
because she had e-mailed me
a naked picture of herself,
285
00:18:09,967 --> 00:18:13,197
you know, which is
a nice thing to do.
286
00:18:14,533 --> 00:18:16,403
But then I screwed up
287
00:18:16,400 --> 00:18:21,970
and I accidentally forwarded
that e-mail to everyone.
288
00:18:21,967 --> 00:18:23,397
[ Laughter ]
289
00:18:23,400 --> 00:18:26,200
Now, my girlfriend is furious,
mortified,
290
00:18:26,200 --> 00:18:28,600
disgusted with me over this.
291
00:18:28,600 --> 00:18:31,430
But now I don't even
care about her anymore.
292
00:18:31,433 --> 00:18:36,203
'Cause now I've got to call up
my mother on the phone and say,
293
00:18:36,200 --> 00:18:38,370
"Mom, I am so sorry about that.
294
00:18:38,367 --> 00:18:40,567
That picture, that e-mail...
295
00:18:40,567 --> 00:18:42,497
was just for Dad."
296
00:18:42,500 --> 00:18:44,070
[ Laughter ]
297
00:18:49,867 --> 00:18:52,067
My girlfriend and I argue a lot.
298
00:18:52,067 --> 00:18:54,297
It's mostly her arguing with me
kind of thing.
299
00:18:54,300 --> 00:18:55,670
Like, I should
just keep my mouth shut.
300
00:18:55,667 --> 00:18:57,627
Every fight we get into
is my fault.
301
00:18:57,633 --> 00:19:01,273
I should just
keep my mouth shut, but I can't
302
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:03,827
because I'm so fucking funny.
303
00:19:03,833 --> 00:19:05,273
[ Laughter ]
304
00:19:07,467 --> 00:19:09,827
Like, a couple of nights ago,
we go to a party, all right?
305
00:19:09,833 --> 00:19:12,173
We get trashed,
completely wasted.
306
00:19:12,167 --> 00:19:15,497
We wake up in bed the next
morning completely hung over.
307
00:19:15,500 --> 00:19:18,700
And I know I should
just keep my mouth shut,
308
00:19:18,700 --> 00:19:21,930
but instead, I roll over,
and I say,
309
00:19:21,933 --> 00:19:24,303
"Listen, baby, don't get mad,
310
00:19:24,300 --> 00:19:28,530
but I think your mom tried
to have sex with me last night."
311
00:19:29,700 --> 00:19:30,900
And she hit the roof.
312
00:19:30,900 --> 00:19:33,300
She goes,
"Anthony, that's impossible."
313
00:19:33,300 --> 00:19:34,970
And I said, "Oh.
314
00:19:34,967 --> 00:19:39,227
Well, in that case,
you should always wear makeup."
315
00:19:39,233 --> 00:19:40,673
[ Laughter ]
316
00:19:42,400 --> 00:19:43,830
[ Applause ]
317
00:19:54,367 --> 00:19:56,597
I love that joke so much.
318
00:19:57,267 --> 00:19:59,527
Here's why.
319
00:20:00,233 --> 00:20:02,833
Did you guys hear, like,
the sounds you made?
320
00:20:04,100 --> 00:20:06,600
Like that was the worst thing
I've said tonight?
321
00:20:07,967 --> 00:20:09,997
I've told three rape jokes.
322
00:20:10,000 --> 00:20:12,130
[ Laughter ]
323
00:20:15,200 --> 00:20:17,130
I like to play pranks
on my girlfriend,
324
00:20:17,133 --> 00:20:19,273
you know,
keep things fresh for me,
325
00:20:19,267 --> 00:20:20,527
make me laugh, you know?
326
00:20:20,533 --> 00:20:21,873
She hates it.
327
00:20:21,867 --> 00:20:24,027
But, like, the other night,
I put Saran wrap
328
00:20:24,033 --> 00:20:26,903
over the toilet seat, you know,
329
00:20:26,900 --> 00:20:29,070
which doesn't sound
that original,
330
00:20:29,067 --> 00:20:31,197
but she's bulimic.
331
00:20:31,200 --> 00:20:32,770
[ Laughter and applause ]
332
00:20:43,267 --> 00:20:45,567
I like that you laugh
until I look at you,
333
00:20:45,567 --> 00:20:47,997
and then you stop laughing.
334
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,270
'Cause you don't want to give me
the satisfaction.
335
00:20:50,267 --> 00:20:52,397
[ Laughter ]
336
00:20:52,400 --> 00:20:53,400
That's great.
337
00:20:53,400 --> 00:20:54,770
You seem like a cool girl
338
00:20:54,767 --> 00:20:57,267
in a completely different
environment.
339
00:20:57,267 --> 00:20:58,997
[ Laughter ]
340
00:21:06,367 --> 00:21:09,067
But we'd make it work, you know?
341
00:21:09,067 --> 00:21:12,567
Like, how long have you guys
been together right here?
342
00:21:12,567 --> 00:21:14,327
-MAN: Three years.
-Three years, okay.
343
00:21:14,333 --> 00:21:15,703
What would you say
is, like, the secret
344
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:17,130
to a good, long relationship?
345
00:21:17,133 --> 00:21:18,903
Communication.
346
00:21:18,900 --> 00:21:21,130
Communication. Wrong.
347
00:21:21,133 --> 00:21:22,633
[ Laughter ]
348
00:21:26,700 --> 00:21:30,070
The secret
is trying new things together,
349
00:21:30,067 --> 00:21:32,397
especially in the bedroom.
350
00:21:32,400 --> 00:21:36,370
The other night, my girlfriend
and I are in bed together.
351
00:21:36,367 --> 00:21:40,297
She says, "Anthony,
I want you to pee on me."
352
00:21:44,867 --> 00:21:46,327
Now, I have never thought about
353
00:21:46,333 --> 00:21:48,673
peeing on a woman
in my entire life.
354
00:21:48,667 --> 00:21:51,267
Never even imagined it before.
355
00:21:52,633 --> 00:21:54,733
But then I got the green light.
356
00:21:57,867 --> 00:21:59,767
And, apparently, it's my thing.
357
00:21:59,767 --> 00:22:02,227
[ Laughter ]
358
00:22:05,633 --> 00:22:09,073
Like, I just
jumped up right away, you know?
359
00:22:09,067 --> 00:22:13,327
But as soon as that begins,
she starts screaming at me.
360
00:22:13,333 --> 00:22:16,403
Like it's my fault
she talks in her sleep.
361
00:22:16,400 --> 00:22:17,830
[ Laughter ]
362
00:22:19,467 --> 00:22:21,067
[ Applause ]
363
00:22:30,133 --> 00:22:32,373
No big deal for me.
364
00:22:32,367 --> 00:22:34,397
My girlfriend yells at me
all the time.
365
00:22:34,400 --> 00:22:36,230
She yells at me all the time.
366
00:22:36,233 --> 00:22:38,273
And, again, I'm a gentleman.
367
00:22:38,267 --> 00:22:43,067
I never think it's okay to yell
back at a woman, no matter what.
368
00:22:43,067 --> 00:22:45,367
I mean, you saw how I handled
that shit right?
369
00:22:45,367 --> 00:22:46,497
[ Laughter ]
370
00:22:51,700 --> 00:22:55,070
I never think it's okay
to yell back at a woman.
371
00:22:55,067 --> 00:23:00,127
But the other night, she yelled
at me for so long and so loud
372
00:23:00,133 --> 00:23:02,633
that the cops came to the door,
373
00:23:02,633 --> 00:23:04,533
which is embarrassing,
374
00:23:04,533 --> 00:23:06,633
because now I've got to answer
my own door
375
00:23:06,633 --> 00:23:08,833
and say,
"Officers, I'm so sorry.
376
00:23:08,833 --> 00:23:11,703
There is no reason
for you to be here tonight.
377
00:23:11,700 --> 00:23:13,870
I already tased her."
378
00:23:27,333 --> 00:23:29,933
I've got this friend
named Kevin.
379
00:23:29,933 --> 00:23:31,673
I call him a friend.
380
00:23:31,667 --> 00:23:33,697
More of an acquaintance, really.
381
00:23:33,700 --> 00:23:35,200
One of those people who think
382
00:23:35,200 --> 00:23:38,730
they're way better friends
with you than they actually are.
383
00:23:38,733 --> 00:23:40,303
Like, the other day,
Kevin says to me,
384
00:23:40,300 --> 00:23:42,870
"Hey, man,
you know what I like to do
385
00:23:42,867 --> 00:23:46,227
when I'm all by myself
and no one's around?"
386
00:23:47,167 --> 00:23:51,667
And before I can say, "Hey,
we're not really friends"...
387
00:23:51,667 --> 00:23:55,627
[ Laughter ]
388
00:23:55,633 --> 00:23:58,973
...he says,
"I like to take peanut butter
389
00:23:58,967 --> 00:24:02,197
and smear it all over myself
390
00:24:02,200 --> 00:24:04,870
and then let my dog
lick it off."
391
00:24:05,533 --> 00:24:10,633
I said, "Dude, you have got to
get yourself a girlfriend.
392
00:24:11,300 --> 00:24:13,470
I'll trade you mine
for that dog."
393
00:24:13,467 --> 00:24:15,597
[ Laughter ]
394
00:24:22,067 --> 00:24:24,367
You guys are fantastic.
395
00:24:24,367 --> 00:24:26,767
It's great. Relax.
396
00:24:26,767 --> 00:24:28,497
[ Laughter ]
397
00:24:32,700 --> 00:24:34,730
I really love performing
at this place.
398
00:24:34,733 --> 00:24:36,503
And, you know,
it's a great place to perform.
399
00:24:36,500 --> 00:24:37,570
And I would know.
400
00:24:37,567 --> 00:24:40,327
I perform all over the world.
401
00:24:40,333 --> 00:24:43,873
Clubs, theaters,
colleges, festivals.
402
00:24:43,867 --> 00:24:45,927
Colleges are great
'cause it's just me
403
00:24:45,933 --> 00:24:49,473
talking to, like, 18-
to 22-year-olds, you know,
404
00:24:49,467 --> 00:24:51,067
which is ideal.
405
00:24:51,067 --> 00:24:52,067
[ Laughter ]
406
00:24:54,067 --> 00:24:56,097
And they teach me things
all the time, you know.
407
00:24:56,100 --> 00:24:57,330
Like, I was at a college
recently,
408
00:24:57,333 --> 00:24:58,803
and they taught me the term --
409
00:24:58,800 --> 00:25:01,500
Have you guys ever heard
the term "but-her-face" before?
410
00:25:01,500 --> 00:25:02,900
You ever heard that?
411
00:25:02,900 --> 00:25:04,330
Yeah. It's been around
for a long time.
412
00:25:04,333 --> 00:25:05,903
If you haven't heard the term,
413
00:25:05,900 --> 00:25:09,330
"but-her-face" is like a girl
who's got a really hot body
414
00:25:09,333 --> 00:25:11,933
but her face, you know?
415
00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:14,700
But her face is all fucked up.
416
00:25:14,700 --> 00:25:16,770
[ Laughter ]
417
00:25:18,300 --> 00:25:19,530
Now, when I heard that,
418
00:25:19,533 --> 00:25:21,233
I thought that was pretty mean,
you know.
419
00:25:21,233 --> 00:25:24,103
I've never dated
a but-her-face before.
420
00:25:25,267 --> 00:25:28,067
But I did once date
a monkeyface.
421
00:25:28,067 --> 00:25:29,867
[ Laughter ]
422
00:25:34,800 --> 00:25:37,170
Have you guys
ever heard of that?
423
00:25:37,967 --> 00:25:39,397
It's different.
424
00:25:40,233 --> 00:25:44,373
A monkeyface is like a girl
who's got, like, a face
425
00:25:44,367 --> 00:25:45,867
like a total monkey.
426
00:25:45,867 --> 00:25:47,567
[ Laughter ]
427
00:25:49,133 --> 00:25:51,903
But the rest of her
isn't that hot.
428
00:25:51,900 --> 00:25:54,300
[ Laughter ]
429
00:26:00,333 --> 00:26:02,533
Yeah, she was one in a million.
430
00:26:03,600 --> 00:26:07,470
I would give anything
to go back and pee on her.
431
00:26:07,467 --> 00:26:09,267
[ Laughter ]
432
00:26:13,567 --> 00:26:15,067
I like telling that joke a lot
433
00:26:15,067 --> 00:26:18,067
'cause people think
I'm about to be racist with it.
434
00:26:18,067 --> 00:26:20,497
Like, "Oh, Anthony,
you are racist."
435
00:26:20,500 --> 00:26:22,070
Well, fuck you.
436
00:26:23,200 --> 00:26:25,430
I'm not racist at all.
437
00:26:25,433 --> 00:26:29,433
Some of my best friends
are black for Halloween.
438
00:26:29,433 --> 00:26:30,703
[ Laughter ]
439
00:26:38,167 --> 00:26:40,097
Clubs are great.
Colleges are great.
440
00:26:40,100 --> 00:26:43,370
Festivals, though --
festivals are where it's at.
441
00:26:43,367 --> 00:26:45,297
Festivals -- it's like musicians
and comedians
442
00:26:45,300 --> 00:26:46,130
hanging out all week.
443
00:26:46,133 --> 00:26:47,733
You never get to do that.
444
00:26:47,733 --> 00:26:49,973
I got to go
to South by Southwest
445
00:26:49,967 --> 00:26:52,927
in Austin, Texas, last year,
which is a great festival.
446
00:26:52,933 --> 00:26:55,703
But I didn't realize
how popular it gets.
447
00:26:55,700 --> 00:26:57,170
I drive into town.
448
00:26:57,167 --> 00:26:58,867
I'm like, "Hey, where's
my hotel room this weekend?"
449
00:26:58,867 --> 00:27:00,497
WOMAN: Yeah.
450
00:27:00,500 --> 00:27:01,630
Thank you.
451
00:27:01,633 --> 00:27:03,833
[ Laughter ]
452
00:27:03,833 --> 00:27:06,433
Thank you
for backing me up there.
453
00:27:10,067 --> 00:27:11,397
I don't know.
454
00:27:11,400 --> 00:27:12,900
I don't know what story
you think we share,
455
00:27:12,900 --> 00:27:14,170
but you are wrong.
456
00:27:14,167 --> 00:27:16,167
[ Laughter and applause ]
457
00:27:22,067 --> 00:27:25,197
"Yeah, I'm on the same page
as this famous fucking guy
458
00:27:25,200 --> 00:27:27,130
who travels around the world."
459
00:27:29,867 --> 00:27:31,397
We're cool.
460
00:27:31,467 --> 00:27:32,867
We're good.
461
00:27:38,767 --> 00:27:40,667
So, I...
462
00:27:40,667 --> 00:27:42,067
So, I get into town.
463
00:27:42,067 --> 00:27:44,497
I say, "Hey, where's
my hotel room this weekend?"
464
00:27:44,500 --> 00:27:46,900
And they said, "Well, where
did you book your hotel room
465
00:27:46,900 --> 00:27:48,330
this weekend?"
466
00:27:48,333 --> 00:27:49,933
I said, "I didn't."
467
00:27:49,933 --> 00:27:52,533
And they said, "Yeah?
468
00:27:52,533 --> 00:27:55,603
Your hotel room is in your car,
you fucking idiot."
469
00:27:55,600 --> 00:27:57,430
[ Laughter ]
470
00:27:57,433 --> 00:27:59,433
It's 2:00 in the morning.
471
00:27:59,433 --> 00:28:02,133
I'm trying to fall asleep
in the back of my car.
472
00:28:02,133 --> 00:28:04,073
And I get a phone call
from the festival.
473
00:28:04,067 --> 00:28:05,897
They say, "Anthony, good news.
474
00:28:05,900 --> 00:28:08,170
There's a hotel
about three miles away.
475
00:28:08,167 --> 00:28:10,067
They have one room
that just became available.
476
00:28:10,067 --> 00:28:12,397
If you get there right now,
right away,
477
00:28:12,400 --> 00:28:13,900
they will take care of you."
478
00:28:13,900 --> 00:28:16,600
So I drive as fast as I can.
479
00:28:16,600 --> 00:28:17,670
I get there first.
480
00:28:17,667 --> 00:28:19,097
Guy behind the front desk says,
481
00:28:19,100 --> 00:28:22,870
"Yes, Mr. Jeselnik,
we do have one room available.
482
00:28:22,867 --> 00:28:27,827
But, by law, I have to tell you
that earlier this afternoon,
483
00:28:27,833 --> 00:28:31,573
two prostitutes overdosed
in that bed."
484
00:28:31,567 --> 00:28:35,697
And I said,
"Well, how much more is that?"
485
00:28:35,700 --> 00:28:36,770
[ Laughter ]
486
00:28:43,933 --> 00:28:46,573
Are you still on board
at this point?
487
00:28:46,567 --> 00:28:48,267
[ Applause ]
488
00:28:53,067 --> 00:28:55,097
But I don't want to sound like
I'm complaining to you guys.
489
00:28:55,100 --> 00:28:56,770
I don't want to sound bitter.
490
00:28:56,767 --> 00:28:59,297
Being a comedian is
the greatest job in the world,
491
00:28:59,300 --> 00:29:01,900
like, greatest job in the world.
492
00:29:01,900 --> 00:29:03,570
Once you get to my level.
493
00:29:03,567 --> 00:29:05,567
[ Laughter ]
494
00:29:05,567 --> 00:29:08,527
The only thing I don't like
is all the travel.
495
00:29:08,533 --> 00:29:10,773
I'm always flying somewhere.
I'm always in an airport.
496
00:29:10,767 --> 00:29:13,167
Even flying into Chicago
a couple days ago,
497
00:29:13,167 --> 00:29:15,067
two-and-a-half-hour
flight delay.
498
00:29:15,067 --> 00:29:17,227
I'm stuck in an airport bar
499
00:29:17,233 --> 00:29:19,333
talking to some random asshole.
500
00:29:20,233 --> 00:29:22,573
And I got nowhere to go.
501
00:29:22,567 --> 00:29:25,097
So I'm like,
"Hey, man, what do you do?"
502
00:29:25,100 --> 00:29:27,430
And he says, and I quote,
503
00:29:27,433 --> 00:29:29,433
"Oh, nothing right now.
504
00:29:30,100 --> 00:29:32,630
But I used to be a priest."
505
00:29:39,433 --> 00:29:41,573
As in, "Oh shit," right?
506
00:29:42,600 --> 00:29:44,570
But I got nowhere to go.
507
00:29:44,567 --> 00:29:46,867
So we keep talking,
we keep drinking.
508
00:29:46,867 --> 00:29:49,527
Finally, two hours goes by.
509
00:29:49,533 --> 00:29:52,173
Guy gets up. He's like, "Hey,
man, I got to catch my flight.
510
00:29:52,167 --> 00:29:54,797
But I don't want to lie to you.
I used to be a priest.
511
00:29:54,800 --> 00:29:58,230
I got kicked out
'cause I molested a kid."
512
00:29:59,400 --> 00:30:00,970
Now, here's the thing.
513
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,800
After talking to this guy
514
00:30:03,800 --> 00:30:06,930
and getting to know this guy
for two hours, I have to admit,
515
00:30:06,933 --> 00:30:10,473
he was actually
a really cool guy,
516
00:30:10,467 --> 00:30:12,627
if you could forget about,
you know...
517
00:30:14,300 --> 00:30:16,670
...all that Jesus bullshit.
518
00:30:16,667 --> 00:30:18,067
[ Laughter and applause ]
519
00:30:29,867 --> 00:30:31,667
Yeah, that's a favorite.
520
00:30:33,000 --> 00:30:35,230
I'm probably
gonna tell it again later.
521
00:30:38,033 --> 00:30:41,333
But it's not all bad news
with me, you know?
522
00:30:41,333 --> 00:30:45,033
My grandfather turns
100 years old next month.
523
00:30:45,033 --> 00:30:47,503
[ Applause ]
524
00:30:50,200 --> 00:30:51,900
Maybe.
525
00:30:51,900 --> 00:30:53,430
[ Laughter ]
526
00:30:53,433 --> 00:30:54,533
I'm...
527
00:30:56,267 --> 00:30:58,127
I'm really skeptical.
528
00:30:59,667 --> 00:31:02,167
I don't think I ever got over
my grandmother's death
529
00:31:02,167 --> 00:31:03,427
when I was a kid.
530
00:31:03,433 --> 00:31:05,903
My grandmother died
from a heart attack
531
00:31:05,900 --> 00:31:08,800
during my 9th birthday party.
532
00:31:10,067 --> 00:31:13,067
Literally while
she was eating cake.
533
00:31:13,700 --> 00:31:14,870
And I guess that must have
534
00:31:14,867 --> 00:31:16,697
screwed me up a little bit,
you know?
535
00:31:16,700 --> 00:31:20,270
I mean, I still have
birthday parties.
536
00:31:20,267 --> 00:31:24,267
But now I'm just
careful what I wish for.
537
00:31:24,267 --> 00:31:25,767
[ Laughter and applause ]
538
00:31:38,567 --> 00:31:41,197
My dad's been having a hard time
lately.
539
00:31:41,200 --> 00:31:43,300
Keeps on losing his keys.
540
00:31:43,300 --> 00:31:47,330
Can't hang on to a set of keys
to save his life.
541
00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:49,433
And he has tried
everything, too.
542
00:31:49,433 --> 00:31:52,073
Little hook next to the door.
543
00:31:52,067 --> 00:31:54,167
Little bowl next to his bed.
544
00:31:54,167 --> 00:31:55,567
One of those keychains
545
00:31:55,567 --> 00:31:57,467
that makes a noise
when you whistle, you know.
546
00:31:57,467 --> 00:31:58,927
Nothing worked.
547
00:31:58,933 --> 00:32:01,803
So, finally,
this year for his birthday,
548
00:32:01,800 --> 00:32:04,070
the whole family chipped in
549
00:32:04,067 --> 00:32:05,567
and we put him in a home.
550
00:32:05,567 --> 00:32:07,267
[ Laughter ]
551
00:32:12,800 --> 00:32:15,070
And that was not easy.
552
00:32:15,067 --> 00:32:17,497
Not an easy decision
to make at all.
553
00:32:17,500 --> 00:32:19,970
My dad was an amazing man,
you guys.
554
00:32:19,967 --> 00:32:21,767
My dad was an amazing --
555
00:32:21,767 --> 00:32:25,667
My dad raised five boys
all by himself...
556
00:32:26,267 --> 00:32:28,597
...without the rest of us
knowing.
557
00:32:28,600 --> 00:32:30,430
[ Laughter ]
558
00:32:37,800 --> 00:32:40,100
And, sure, my dad
had his problems, you know?
559
00:32:40,100 --> 00:32:41,800
He had his issues.
560
00:32:41,800 --> 00:32:44,470
My dad was a big-time alcoholic,
561
00:32:44,467 --> 00:32:46,427
major-league alcoholic,
562
00:32:46,433 --> 00:32:49,273
black-out-every-night
kind of alcoholic.
563
00:32:49,267 --> 00:32:54,397
But, to his credit,
my dad never once laid a finger
564
00:32:54,400 --> 00:32:57,700
on either me or my mom,
not once.
565
00:32:57,700 --> 00:33:01,630
And I don't know if it was
just because he loved us so much
566
00:33:01,633 --> 00:33:05,333
or if he just hated my sisters.
567
00:33:05,333 --> 00:33:07,903
-But either way...
-[ Laughter ]
568
00:33:19,267 --> 00:33:21,527
Either way, he was a great dad.
569
00:33:28,367 --> 00:33:31,527
I remember a tough time for me.
I was like 10 years old.
570
00:33:31,533 --> 00:33:33,073
My parents call me
into their bedroom.
571
00:33:33,067 --> 00:33:35,067
They say, "Anthony,
we want to get a divorce.
572
00:33:35,067 --> 00:33:38,867
You have to decide which one
of us you want to live with."
573
00:33:38,867 --> 00:33:41,067
I was a 10-year-old kid.
I didn't know any better.
574
00:33:41,067 --> 00:33:44,327
I just said, "Dad, Dad.
I want to live with Dad."
575
00:33:44,333 --> 00:33:46,073
It was heartbreaking.
576
00:33:46,067 --> 00:33:47,727
My mom just looked at the floor
and said,
577
00:33:47,733 --> 00:33:50,203
"Well, whatever you want,
Anthony."
578
00:33:50,200 --> 00:33:54,100
And my dad just said, "I don't
want a divorce anymore."
579
00:33:54,100 --> 00:33:55,870
[ Laughter ]
580
00:33:55,867 --> 00:33:57,367
That was tough.
581
00:34:04,733 --> 00:34:09,773
And maybe the most uncomfortable
moment of my life
582
00:34:09,767 --> 00:34:12,427
was when my dad
gave me the sex talk.
583
00:34:12,433 --> 00:34:14,273
Oh, God.
584
00:34:14,267 --> 00:34:18,227
The old man was
into some really crazy shit.
585
00:34:18,233 --> 00:34:19,603
[ Laughter ]
586
00:34:25,867 --> 00:34:28,427
But then maybe the greatest
moment of my life ever --
587
00:34:28,433 --> 00:34:30,903
I think this is, like,
a universal things for guys --
588
00:34:30,900 --> 00:34:33,830
I'm 12 years old,
I'm sneaking around my house,
589
00:34:33,833 --> 00:34:37,673
and I found my dad's porn
in the back of the attic.
590
00:34:37,667 --> 00:34:39,267
That was a great day.
591
00:34:40,267 --> 00:34:42,627
That was a game changer for me.
592
00:34:43,633 --> 00:34:46,103
But then
the worst day of my life
593
00:34:46,100 --> 00:34:48,830
was the day
I found my mom's porn...
594
00:34:51,333 --> 00:34:53,303
...in the back
of that video store.
595
00:34:53,300 --> 00:34:55,530
[ Laughter ]
596
00:35:04,767 --> 00:35:07,197
I told that joke recently
on "Conan" --
597
00:35:07,200 --> 00:35:09,930
that's right, "Conan"...
598
00:35:09,933 --> 00:35:11,373
[ Laughter ]
599
00:35:12,967 --> 00:35:16,867
...and immediately afterwards,
my mom called me on the phone.
600
00:35:16,867 --> 00:35:20,167
And she said,
"Anthony, what the fuck?
601
00:35:20,167 --> 00:35:22,127
[ Laughter ]
602
00:35:23,800 --> 00:35:26,300
Do you really have to
make up a joke
603
00:35:26,300 --> 00:35:29,330
that makes me sound like
I work in pornography
604
00:35:29,333 --> 00:35:31,903
and then say it on 'Conan'?
605
00:35:31,900 --> 00:35:35,200
That's my least favorite joke
that you have."
606
00:35:35,200 --> 00:35:37,070
And I just said, "Well, Mom,
607
00:35:37,067 --> 00:35:38,927
that's only because
you haven't heard
608
00:35:38,933 --> 00:35:42,073
the other jokes I tell about you
609
00:35:42,067 --> 00:35:45,697
that they are not allowed
to let me say on 'Conan.'"
610
00:35:48,067 --> 00:35:50,297
-Per example...
-[ Laughter ]
611
00:35:54,633 --> 00:35:56,373
My mom is crazy.
612
00:35:56,367 --> 00:35:59,197
People always like to joke,
"Oh, my mom's crazy."
613
00:35:59,200 --> 00:36:03,070
My mom is ca-razy.
614
00:36:03,067 --> 00:36:06,797
Her entire house
is filled with nothing
615
00:36:06,800 --> 00:36:09,430
but pictures of Princess Diana.
616
00:36:10,600 --> 00:36:14,070
And they're all
from right after the accident.
617
00:36:14,067 --> 00:36:15,797
[ Laughter ]
618
00:36:23,933 --> 00:36:25,303
And most of them she drew.
619
00:36:25,300 --> 00:36:27,170
Like, it's really fucked up,
you guys.
620
00:36:27,167 --> 00:36:28,897
[ Laughter ]
621
00:36:36,300 --> 00:36:38,470
My mom had one of those tiny,
little dogs,
622
00:36:38,467 --> 00:36:41,527
those little Pomeranians.
623
00:36:41,533 --> 00:36:45,873
And she loved it
more than any of her kids.
624
00:36:45,867 --> 00:36:49,067
To the point that when
it finally died last year,
625
00:36:49,067 --> 00:36:51,497
she had it stuffed...
626
00:36:51,500 --> 00:36:53,370
with another Pomeranian.
627
00:36:53,367 --> 00:36:55,267
[ Laughter ]
628
00:36:55,267 --> 00:36:56,897
[ Sighs ]
629
00:37:04,633 --> 00:37:08,073
And my mom's been having
a hard time lately.
630
00:37:08,067 --> 00:37:09,567
She just found out
she has to have
631
00:37:09,567 --> 00:37:12,267
both of her breasts removed...
632
00:37:12,267 --> 00:37:14,327
if she's ever gonna be good
at golf.
633
00:37:14,333 --> 00:37:16,873
[ Laughter ]
634
00:37:22,700 --> 00:37:26,200
Yeah.
That cannot be easy to hear.
635
00:37:27,333 --> 00:37:30,373
So I went home to visit -- I'm
from Pittsburgh, originally --
636
00:37:30,367 --> 00:37:32,267
and just hang out with my mom
for a little bit, you know?
637
00:37:32,267 --> 00:37:34,597
-[ Scattered applause ]
-Yeah. Congrats.
638
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:36,300
[ Laughter ]
639
00:37:36,300 --> 00:37:38,370
Wanted to go home and hang out
with her for a little bit,
640
00:37:38,367 --> 00:37:40,467
you know, help her out,
cheer her up.
641
00:37:40,467 --> 00:37:43,097
But all my mom cares about now
is the lottery
642
00:37:43,100 --> 00:37:44,700
and me running errands for her.
643
00:37:44,700 --> 00:37:46,070
Like, every day.
644
00:37:46,067 --> 00:37:48,227
Every day, it's,
"Anthony, go play my numbers.
645
00:37:48,233 --> 00:37:50,973
Go play my numbers, please.
I don't want to miss out today."
646
00:37:50,967 --> 00:37:53,397
Finally, after a week of this,
I had to say to her,
647
00:37:53,400 --> 00:37:57,270
"Mom, are you out of
your goddamn mind?
648
00:37:58,067 --> 00:38:00,267
Don't you know
you've got a better chance
649
00:38:00,267 --> 00:38:02,727
of getting struck by lightning
650
00:38:02,733 --> 00:38:05,303
than me doing you a favor?"
651
00:38:05,300 --> 00:38:06,800
[ Laughter ]
652
00:38:12,533 --> 00:38:14,633
Now, one thing I've learned
653
00:38:14,633 --> 00:38:17,073
in all my years
of doing stand-up comedy
654
00:38:17,067 --> 00:38:19,267
is that people get really upset.
655
00:38:19,267 --> 00:38:21,067
Audiences get really upset
656
00:38:21,067 --> 00:38:24,427
if I ever try to tell a joke
about suicide.
657
00:38:24,433 --> 00:38:29,373
So, because of that, here are
four jokes about suicide.
658
00:38:29,367 --> 00:38:31,067
[ Laughter ]
659
00:38:33,600 --> 00:38:34,730
MAN: Ow!
660
00:38:34,733 --> 00:38:36,603
[ Chuckles ]
That's appropriate.
661
00:38:36,600 --> 00:38:38,400
[ Laughter ]
662
00:38:40,467 --> 00:38:46,267
I've got a long history
of suicide in my family.
663
00:38:46,267 --> 00:38:49,267
The good news is,
it skips a generation.
664
00:38:49,267 --> 00:38:53,067
So if I'm lucky,
my kids will do it.
665
00:38:53,067 --> 00:38:54,697
[ Laughter ]
666
00:39:06,200 --> 00:39:07,530
I'll never forget
667
00:39:07,533 --> 00:39:10,633
my sister Ashley tried
to kill herself last year
668
00:39:10,633 --> 00:39:15,073
by throwing herself off a cliff,
which is awful.
669
00:39:15,067 --> 00:39:17,167
I'm actually the one
who found her
670
00:39:17,167 --> 00:39:20,367
and had to drive her
to the cliff.
671
00:39:20,367 --> 00:39:22,267
[ Laughter ]
672
00:39:26,233 --> 00:39:28,973
Like I don't have better shit
to do.
673
00:39:34,433 --> 00:39:37,103
When I was a kid,
my Uncle Tom killed himself.
674
00:39:37,100 --> 00:39:38,500
I remember that
675
00:39:38,500 --> 00:39:40,830
because the family
actually tried to cover it up,
676
00:39:40,833 --> 00:39:44,373
make it look like
he accidentally shot himself
677
00:39:44,367 --> 00:39:46,567
playing regular roulette.
678
00:39:46,567 --> 00:39:48,797
[ Laughter ]
679
00:39:53,667 --> 00:39:56,327
No one -- No was fooled.
680
00:39:56,333 --> 00:39:58,273
Just didn't work.
681
00:39:58,267 --> 00:40:00,897
But I think the worst for me
was probably my cousin Ty,
682
00:40:00,900 --> 00:40:03,100
who killed himself
a couple years ago.
683
00:40:03,100 --> 00:40:04,330
That was hard
'cause he was just, like,
684
00:40:04,333 --> 00:40:05,773
a little bit older than me.
685
00:40:05,767 --> 00:40:08,027
I would always go to him
for advice.
686
00:40:08,033 --> 00:40:09,333
And he was great with it, too,
687
00:40:09,333 --> 00:40:12,273
whether I was asking
about school or girls,
688
00:40:12,267 --> 00:40:14,297
just life in general, you know?
689
00:40:14,300 --> 00:40:15,670
He always said the same thing
to me.
690
00:40:15,667 --> 00:40:18,467
He'd say, "Anthony,
kill yourself."
691
00:40:18,467 --> 00:40:20,227
[ Laughter ]
692
00:40:27,867 --> 00:40:29,697
I miss that guy.
693
00:40:34,467 --> 00:40:37,067
No, you guys have been
a great crowd tonight.
694
00:40:37,067 --> 00:40:39,727
You've gone with me everywhere
I've wanted you to go.
695
00:40:39,733 --> 00:40:42,233
But if you've just been sitting
there this whole time, thinking,
696
00:40:42,233 --> 00:40:45,003
"Anthony, this is all
well and good,
697
00:40:45,000 --> 00:40:48,100
but where are
your offensive jokes?
698
00:40:48,100 --> 00:40:50,030
[ Laughter ]
699
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:55,070
Where are your showstoppers,
if you will?"
700
00:40:55,067 --> 00:40:59,727
Well, guys,
I save those for the end.
701
00:40:59,733 --> 00:41:03,973
I'm gonna tell you all
a series of jokes right now
702
00:41:03,967 --> 00:41:07,267
that are going to get
increasingly more offensive.
703
00:41:07,267 --> 00:41:08,327
[ Cheers and applause ]
704
00:41:18,767 --> 00:41:21,067
I like that enthusiasm.
705
00:41:22,167 --> 00:41:24,567
Let's see how far it carries.
706
00:41:24,567 --> 00:41:26,067
[ Laughter ]
707
00:41:27,700 --> 00:41:30,070
They say it's easy --
708
00:41:30,067 --> 00:41:34,127
They say it's easy to make fun
of retarded people.
709
00:41:37,300 --> 00:41:38,970
But let me
tell you guys something --
710
00:41:38,967 --> 00:41:40,827
It is not.
711
00:41:40,833 --> 00:41:44,203
You have really
got to explain it to them.
712
00:41:44,200 --> 00:41:45,900
[ Laughter ]
713
00:41:59,567 --> 00:42:01,467
That was the first one.
714
00:42:05,600 --> 00:42:07,770
Every night, my girlfriend
comes home from work,
715
00:42:07,767 --> 00:42:09,097
and she brings with her
a houseplant.
716
00:42:09,100 --> 00:42:10,630
She's like, "Anthony,
I had to pick this up.
717
00:42:10,633 --> 00:42:13,073
We need a houseplant
in our apartment."
718
00:42:13,067 --> 00:42:15,197
And every night,
I make her return it.
719
00:42:15,200 --> 00:42:16,930
I say, "No way, baby.
720
00:42:16,933 --> 00:42:19,373
You can't take care
of a houseplant.
721
00:42:19,367 --> 00:42:22,667
You couldn't even
keep your baby alive."
722
00:42:22,667 --> 00:42:24,727
[ Laughter ]
723
00:42:29,300 --> 00:42:30,930
Right?
724
00:42:33,200 --> 00:42:34,970
Two for two, huh?
725
00:42:34,967 --> 00:42:37,267
[ Laughter and applause ]
726
00:42:46,533 --> 00:42:48,473
We just, uh --
727
00:42:48,467 --> 00:42:52,397
We just found out my little
brother has a peanut allergy.
728
00:42:52,400 --> 00:42:56,070
A peanut allergy,
which is very serious, I know.
729
00:42:56,067 --> 00:42:57,797
But, still,
I feel like my parents
730
00:42:57,800 --> 00:42:59,900
are totally overreacting.
731
00:42:59,900 --> 00:43:03,770
They caught me eating a tiny
little bag of airline peanuts,
732
00:43:03,767 --> 00:43:06,827
and they kicked me
out of his funeral.
733
00:43:06,833 --> 00:43:08,603
[ Laughter ]
734
00:43:21,067 --> 00:43:22,697
I feel like some of you guys
735
00:43:22,700 --> 00:43:25,370
might be too nice
to laugh at some of these jokes.
736
00:43:26,367 --> 00:43:27,597
And that's okay.
737
00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,070
Not everybody has
a great sense of humor.
738
00:43:30,067 --> 00:43:31,427
[ Laughter ]
739
00:43:33,067 --> 00:43:34,967
You guys would probably love
my little nephew.
740
00:43:34,967 --> 00:43:36,697
He's like 6 years old.
So cute.
741
00:43:36,700 --> 00:43:38,230
I talk to him every day
on the phone.
742
00:43:38,233 --> 00:43:39,603
He's unbelievable.
743
00:43:39,600 --> 00:43:42,670
He's got, like,
the greatest imagination ever.
744
00:43:42,667 --> 00:43:46,067
He's either gonna be
an incredible artist someday
745
00:43:46,067 --> 00:43:49,127
or he really did get molested.
746
00:43:49,133 --> 00:43:50,573
[ Laughter ]
747
00:44:03,400 --> 00:44:05,270
[ Cheers and applause ]
748
00:44:12,667 --> 00:44:14,627
I wasn't even laughing
about that one.
749
00:44:14,633 --> 00:44:16,203
I was thinking about
what's coming.
750
00:44:16,200 --> 00:44:17,700
[ Laughter ]
751
00:44:20,700 --> 00:44:22,700
I feel like I need to say,
like, I really believe this,
752
00:44:22,700 --> 00:44:24,670
that being a mother seems like
753
00:44:24,667 --> 00:44:26,367
one of the toughest jobs
in the world.
754
00:44:26,367 --> 00:44:29,227
Like, literally,
right below comedian.
755
00:44:29,233 --> 00:44:30,633
[ Laughter ]
756
00:44:32,633 --> 00:44:36,073
So, to me, if a mother
does her best,
757
00:44:36,067 --> 00:44:38,567
then, in my book,
she's a good mom, all right?
758
00:44:38,567 --> 00:44:41,527
Now, my mom did her very best.
759
00:44:41,533 --> 00:44:46,373
Unfortunately,
she was also a terrible person.
760
00:44:47,867 --> 00:44:52,667
Like, my mom, for most of
her life -- and this is true --
761
00:44:52,667 --> 00:44:57,367
my mom, for most of her life,
was a Holocaust denier.
762
00:44:58,633 --> 00:45:00,573
Does everybody know
what that means?
763
00:45:00,567 --> 00:45:01,727
[ Laughter ]
764
00:45:03,300 --> 00:45:06,200
It means she couldn't believe
the Holocaust happened.
765
00:45:06,200 --> 00:45:08,430
It's, like,
the worst thing you can be.
766
00:45:08,433 --> 00:45:09,733
And it was terrible
767
00:45:09,733 --> 00:45:11,873
for the entire family
to have to deal with
768
00:45:11,867 --> 00:45:14,227
until, finally,
a couple years ago,
769
00:45:14,233 --> 00:45:16,203
we had an intervention.
770
00:45:16,200 --> 00:45:18,730
And we had a rabbi
come into the home,
771
00:45:18,733 --> 00:45:22,703
had him walk her through the
history of the Jewish people,
772
00:45:22,700 --> 00:45:25,500
and then he made her watch
"Schindler's List."
773
00:45:26,067 --> 00:45:29,527
And after that,
my mom did a complete 180.
774
00:45:29,533 --> 00:45:34,233
Now she can't believe
it only happened once.
775
00:45:34,233 --> 00:45:36,303
[ Laughter ]
776
00:45:48,733 --> 00:45:50,533
I'm glad you guys
enjoyed that one.
777
00:45:50,533 --> 00:45:52,773
[ Laughter ]
778
00:45:52,767 --> 00:45:57,267
Because my mom was also
really racist, too.
779
00:45:59,633 --> 00:46:02,533
Like, when I was a kid, my mom
thought it was smart parenting,
780
00:46:02,533 --> 00:46:04,973
she thought it was a good idea
781
00:46:04,967 --> 00:46:08,967
to try to convince me
that Santa Claus was black.
782
00:46:10,100 --> 00:46:12,130
Because then that way,
783
00:46:12,133 --> 00:46:15,373
when I eventually found out
he didn't exist,
784
00:46:15,367 --> 00:46:17,467
it wouldn't be
that big a letdown.
785
00:46:17,467 --> 00:46:19,897
[ Laughter ]
786
00:46:33,233 --> 00:46:34,603
Three more.
787
00:46:34,600 --> 00:46:36,370
[ Laughter ]
788
00:46:37,967 --> 00:46:39,767
I'm not a religious person.
789
00:46:39,767 --> 00:46:42,127
I would call myself an atheist.
790
00:46:42,133 --> 00:46:43,733
I don't have
a good story behind it.
791
00:46:43,733 --> 00:46:46,473
I'm just reasonable.
792
00:46:46,467 --> 00:46:48,627
[ Laughter ]
793
00:46:54,500 --> 00:46:56,870
But my girlfriend [Chuckles]
794
00:46:56,867 --> 00:46:59,167
My girlfriend has got, like,
the greatest story
795
00:46:59,167 --> 00:47:01,767
behind why she's not
religious anymore.
796
00:47:01,767 --> 00:47:04,327
She said, when she was a kid,
like 12 years old,
797
00:47:04,333 --> 00:47:09,633
her parents nailed
a 25-pound crucifix to the wall
798
00:47:09,633 --> 00:47:11,403
right above her bed.
799
00:47:12,167 --> 00:47:16,067
And about two weeks later,
in the middle of the night,
800
00:47:16,067 --> 00:47:18,867
the crucifix falls off the wall
801
00:47:18,867 --> 00:47:21,297
and leaves a two-inch gash
802
00:47:21,300 --> 00:47:24,070
in the back of her dad's head.
803
00:47:24,067 --> 00:47:26,127
[ Laughter ]
804
00:47:30,067 --> 00:47:31,367
Yeah.
805
00:47:44,400 --> 00:47:45,770
Like, whether you laughed
or not,
806
00:47:45,767 --> 00:47:48,097
you got to admit,
that's a fucking great story.
807
00:47:48,100 --> 00:47:50,230
[ Laughter ]
808
00:47:55,500 --> 00:47:59,130
Now, one thing that drives me
crazy with my girlfriend now
809
00:47:59,133 --> 00:48:01,873
is that she's got, like,
a million shoes.
810
00:48:01,867 --> 00:48:04,067
Like, a million shoes.
811
00:48:04,067 --> 00:48:06,067
And she doesn't even like
to wear them.
812
00:48:06,067 --> 00:48:10,727
I swear she just likes stealing
from the Holocaust Museum.
813
00:48:10,733 --> 00:48:12,503
[ Laughter ]
814
00:48:18,800 --> 00:48:22,270
Now, that joke,
you're either laughing
815
00:48:22,267 --> 00:48:25,427
or you've simply never been
to the Holocaust Museum.
816
00:48:25,433 --> 00:48:27,433
[ Laughter ]
817
00:48:30,400 --> 00:48:31,570
You got to believe me.
818
00:48:31,567 --> 00:48:33,797
It's like a Nike factory
in there.
819
00:48:33,800 --> 00:48:35,770
[ Laughter ]
820
00:48:38,267 --> 00:48:41,097
But if you haven't been,
you should go.
821
00:48:41,100 --> 00:48:42,470
It's important.
822
00:48:42,467 --> 00:48:44,967
[ Laughter ]
823
00:48:44,967 --> 00:48:47,167
Now, people who fly a lot
the way that I do,
824
00:48:47,167 --> 00:48:48,327
people who fly all the time,
825
00:48:48,333 --> 00:48:49,933
they all say the same thing
to me.
826
00:48:49,933 --> 00:48:52,473
They say, "Anthony,
there's nothing worse
827
00:48:52,467 --> 00:48:54,667
than a baby on an airplane.
828
00:48:54,667 --> 00:48:58,067
Nothing worse than a baby
on an airplane."
829
00:48:58,067 --> 00:49:00,197
But I disagree.
830
00:49:00,200 --> 00:49:03,930
I can give you guys
four examples
831
00:49:03,933 --> 00:49:08,503
of when having a baby
on an airplane was awesome.
832
00:49:08,500 --> 00:49:12,370
Although they were all on 9/11.
833
00:49:12,367 --> 00:49:14,427
[ Laughter ]
834
00:49:18,267 --> 00:49:20,467
[ Applause ]
835
00:49:34,367 --> 00:49:37,067
Now, this is the ideal time
to tell you guys
836
00:49:37,067 --> 00:49:39,867
that I love to meet fans
after the show.
837
00:49:42,933 --> 00:49:46,773
I like when people come up and
say, "Anthony, you're a genius.
838
00:49:46,767 --> 00:49:50,067
Anthony, best show
I've ever seen."
839
00:49:50,067 --> 00:49:51,497
And that's it.
840
00:49:52,967 --> 00:49:55,227
I don't ever want to hear
anything else.
841
00:49:56,433 --> 00:49:58,303
If you've got
a bone to pick with me
842
00:49:58,300 --> 00:49:59,830
over something
I've said tonight,
843
00:49:59,833 --> 00:50:02,733
instead, you should just
shut the fuck up.
844
00:50:02,733 --> 00:50:04,733
[ Laughter ]
845
00:50:11,400 --> 00:50:15,930
Because, seriously, I know more
about comedy than you do,
846
00:50:15,933 --> 00:50:18,073
and you came to see me.
847
00:50:19,300 --> 00:50:22,070
[ Man shouts indistinctly ]
848
00:50:23,267 --> 00:50:25,927
Like I said, shut the fuck up.
849
00:50:25,933 --> 00:50:27,533
[ Laughter ]
850
00:50:27,533 --> 00:50:29,173
[ Cheers and applause ]
851
00:50:37,733 --> 00:50:40,603
But, still, even after
I've just said all that,
852
00:50:40,600 --> 00:50:44,570
you still feel like
you need to come up and bitch,
853
00:50:44,567 --> 00:50:47,767
well, then, I will be as polite
as I can possibly be.
854
00:50:47,767 --> 00:50:50,967
However, it is ill-advised.
855
00:50:50,967 --> 00:50:54,767
Because you will end up
as a joke in my act...
856
00:50:54,767 --> 00:50:56,827
[ Laughter ]
857
00:50:56,833 --> 00:50:59,373
...much like the blind guy
858
00:50:59,367 --> 00:51:03,327
who came up and complained to me
in Seattle after a show.
859
00:51:03,333 --> 00:51:06,803
He walked up and said,
"Anthony, Anthony.
860
00:51:06,800 --> 00:51:07,800
[ Laughter ]
861
00:51:14,167 --> 00:51:16,467
Why didn't you tell
any blind jokes tonight?
862
00:51:16,467 --> 00:51:19,097
I came here
to hear blind jokes tonight."
863
00:51:19,100 --> 00:51:22,730
And I said,
"Well, here's a blind joke."
864
00:51:24,067 --> 00:51:25,897
[ Laughter ]
865
00:51:37,533 --> 00:51:41,603
Another good one for me
was the lesbian in Portland
866
00:51:41,600 --> 00:51:44,070
who ran up after a show.
867
00:51:44,067 --> 00:51:45,927
And I know she was a lesbian
868
00:51:45,933 --> 00:51:50,103
because she ran up and yelled
out, "Anthony, I'm a lesbian!
869
00:51:51,433 --> 00:51:53,833
And I thought you were
really funny tonight,
870
00:51:53,833 --> 00:51:55,273
but you're just lucky
you didn't make
871
00:51:55,267 --> 00:51:57,197
any lesbian jokes up there.
872
00:51:57,200 --> 00:51:58,970
'Cause I would have
gotten really mad
873
00:51:58,967 --> 00:52:01,567
if you had made fun
of any lesbians tonight."
874
00:52:01,567 --> 00:52:04,067
And I wanted to say to her,
"Hey,
875
00:52:04,067 --> 00:52:07,367
do you realize that
that makes you a terrible person
876
00:52:07,367 --> 00:52:09,567
and that you have
no sense of humor?
877
00:52:09,567 --> 00:52:12,767
Plus, you're an idiot
878
00:52:12,767 --> 00:52:14,297
if you felt okay laughing at
879
00:52:14,300 --> 00:52:17,400
all the other messed-up things
I joked about
880
00:52:17,400 --> 00:52:19,330
but you'd have gotten
really upset
881
00:52:19,333 --> 00:52:22,403
if I'd made fun of you
or something you care about."
882
00:52:22,400 --> 00:52:25,170
And I was gonna say all that,
but then I remembered,
883
00:52:25,167 --> 00:52:28,297
"Anthony, she's a lesbian.
884
00:52:30,067 --> 00:52:32,067
She knows."
885
00:52:32,067 --> 00:52:33,497
[ Laughter ]
886
00:52:36,667 --> 00:52:40,197
My second-favorite post-show
interaction of all time
887
00:52:40,200 --> 00:52:43,230
had to be -- I was in Boston
a couple years ago,
888
00:52:43,233 --> 00:52:45,603
and a very drunk girl --
they're always very drunk --
889
00:52:45,600 --> 00:52:46,900
ran up to me.
890
00:52:46,900 --> 00:52:48,300
And she screams out,
891
00:52:48,300 --> 00:52:51,370
"You should never make fun
of the Holocaust!"
892
00:52:51,367 --> 00:52:55,697
And I said, "Why?"
You know, just to be a dick.
893
00:52:55,700 --> 00:52:58,600
[ Laughter ]
894
00:52:58,600 --> 00:53:02,730
And she says, "Because I lost
family in the Holocaust."
895
00:53:02,733 --> 00:53:06,133
And I said,
"Well, you don't look Jewish."
896
00:53:06,133 --> 00:53:08,733
And she said, "Listen, asshole.
897
00:53:08,733 --> 00:53:11,733
There are certain lines
you're not supposed to cross,
898
00:53:11,733 --> 00:53:14,533
certain boundaries
you're never supposed to push."
899
00:53:14,533 --> 00:53:17,203
And I said, "Hey, hey, hey.
900
00:53:17,200 --> 00:53:19,570
I just gave you a compliment."
901
00:53:19,567 --> 00:53:21,697
[ Laughter ]
902
00:53:37,933 --> 00:53:40,503
But my favorite --
903
00:53:40,500 --> 00:53:43,900
the best, most unbeatable,
never-gonna-happen-again
904
00:53:43,900 --> 00:53:46,830
post-show interaction
of all time had to be
905
00:53:46,833 --> 00:53:49,673
just -- just about a year ago.
906
00:53:49,667 --> 00:53:52,497
I was performing
in Orlando, Florida,
907
00:53:52,500 --> 00:53:55,070
home of Casey Anthony.
908
00:54:00,500 --> 00:54:02,300
And this is
right after the trial,
909
00:54:02,300 --> 00:54:04,070
like immediately
after the trial.
910
00:54:04,067 --> 00:54:05,367
And I said, "Listen, everybody,
911
00:54:05,367 --> 00:54:08,227
I don't understand
what the big deal is here.
912
00:54:08,233 --> 00:54:12,303
Of course Casey Anthony
is innocent.
913
00:54:12,300 --> 00:54:16,300
If she's guilty of anything,
it's killing her baby."
914
00:54:16,300 --> 00:54:18,070
[ Laughter ]
915
00:54:24,867 --> 00:54:26,427
Now, after the show,
916
00:54:26,433 --> 00:54:28,833
I'm taking pictures,
signing tits --
917
00:54:28,833 --> 00:54:29,873
You know how it is.
918
00:54:29,867 --> 00:54:31,167
[ Laughter ]
919
00:54:34,767 --> 00:54:37,067
And a guy walks up to me,
920
00:54:37,067 --> 00:54:40,067
totally sober,
looking very upset.
921
00:54:40,067 --> 00:54:43,327
And he says,
"You need to do me a favor,"
922
00:54:43,333 --> 00:54:46,673
which is
a terrible way to start.
923
00:54:47,833 --> 00:54:49,933
He says, "You need to never tell
924
00:54:49,933 --> 00:54:52,633
another Casey Anthony joke
ever again."
925
00:54:52,633 --> 00:54:54,373
And I said, "Why?"
926
00:54:54,367 --> 00:54:57,067
You know, just to be a dick.
927
00:54:57,067 --> 00:54:58,967
[ Laughter ]
928
00:54:58,967 --> 00:55:01,527
And he says --
I'll never forget this.
929
00:55:01,533 --> 00:55:05,203
He says, "Because her daughter,
Caylee Anthony,
930
00:55:05,200 --> 00:55:07,530
is my niece."
931
00:55:07,533 --> 00:55:11,233
And I said, "Bullshit."
932
00:55:12,467 --> 00:55:14,827
At which point
he takes out his phone,
933
00:55:14,833 --> 00:55:16,773
sadly hits a couple buttons,
934
00:55:16,767 --> 00:55:20,227
and he shows me a picture of him
holding little Caylee Anthony,
935
00:55:20,233 --> 00:55:23,233
in happier times, of course.
936
00:55:23,233 --> 00:55:25,273
[ Laughter ]
937
00:55:32,533 --> 00:55:37,633
And he says, "See?
See, you son of a bitch?"
938
00:55:37,633 --> 00:55:40,273
And I said,
"No, man, I believe you.
939
00:55:40,267 --> 00:55:43,767
I just mean she was your niece."
940
00:55:44,767 --> 00:55:46,797
Thank you very much, everybody.
941
00:55:46,800 --> 00:55:49,430
Have a great night.
Thank you so much.
942
00:55:49,433 --> 00:55:50,903
-Thank you.
-[ Cheers and applause ]
943
00:56:38,067 --> 00:56:40,897
WOMAN: Hey, everybody, I am
your Anthony Jeselnik fluffer,
944
00:56:40,900 --> 00:56:42,370
as it were.
945
00:56:42,367 --> 00:56:44,797
Just gonna do a few minutes
before we bring him up.
946
00:56:53,400 --> 00:56:55,800
I had $10,000.
947
00:56:56,833 --> 00:56:58,633
No, I would be happy.
948
00:56:58,633 --> 00:57:00,333
[ Laughs ]
949
00:57:00,333 --> 00:57:02,473
And then I go to London,
my first day there...
950
00:57:13,733 --> 00:57:15,433
[ Laughter ]
951
00:57:18,067 --> 00:57:19,197
You walk into the house.
952
00:57:19,200 --> 00:57:21,270
You have a jacket, hat, and bag.
953
00:57:32,500 --> 00:57:34,430
Yeah, but, yeah.
But very good-looking.
954
00:57:34,433 --> 00:57:38,133
And that is a great combination,
right?
955
00:57:47,067 --> 00:57:50,127
And then make
this very non-guilty face.
956
00:57:50,133 --> 00:57:51,603
[ Laughter ]
957
00:57:51,600 --> 00:57:53,070
It's like, I've never seen...
958
00:58:00,767 --> 00:58:02,227
Amazing.
959
00:58:02,233 --> 00:58:04,273
You guys have been awesome.
Enjoy Anthony Jeselnik.
960
00:58:04,267 --> 00:58:05,867
It's gonna be an amazing night.
Thank you!
961
00:58:05,867 --> 00:58:07,867
[ Cheers and applause ]
962
00:58:20,867 --> 00:58:22,427
[ Applause ]
963
00:59:33,067 --> 00:59:35,167
MAN: All right, you guys,
put your hands together.
964
00:59:35,167 --> 00:59:37,567
Please welcome Anthony Jeselnik!
965
00:59:37,567 --> 00:59:39,627
[ Cheers and applause ]
65898
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