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1
00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:16,633
I don't believe you two,
I mean, he's a very lucky man,
isn't he?
2
00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,173
Because you're
agreeing with him.
3
00:00:20,667 --> 00:00:21,697
How many men out there
would suddenly like to develop
a "sex addiction"
4
00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,667
if they knew
they could get away with it?
5
00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,667
I can't help it, Viv,
sex is like my oxygen.
6
00:00:29,267 --> 00:00:31,597
No, you're doing it because
she's letting you do it.
Isn't that the truth?
7
00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:33,403
He doesn't mean it, Viv,
he can't help it.
8
00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,097
He's cheating on you!
He's sleeping with other women!
9
00:00:38,633 --> 00:00:39,733
Turn your sin into a disease,
you'll get away with murder
these days.
10
00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,400
Half an hour in the Priory
and then you're free
to commit again.
11
00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,430
Therapy's the new
capital punishment.
12
00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,500
-Hanging's too good
for them, my love.
-Yeah.
13
00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:50,773
-Oh, my God.
-Viv...
14
00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:55,733
What programme
is your machine on?
15
00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:58,373
I seem to be
on constant Hill Climb.
16
00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,497
I mean, I'd need
a bloody Sherpa to finish this.
17
00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:04,333
I feel like your brother here,
mate, your big brother.
18
00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,297
Yeah, yeah!
19
00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,467
Smug bastard, isn't he?
20
00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:12,100
Let's hear it for Frank!
21
00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,370
I'm getting
some of his audience now.
22
00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:16,733
I'm right up his arse
in my ratings.
23
00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,467
You must be on Easy
or something, darling.
24
00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,630
-Oh look, you are, look...
-No, get off!
25
00:01:24,133 --> 00:01:27,003
Come on, darling, brand-new
show, brand-new Vivienne Vyle.
Brand Vyle!
26
00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,397
(HISSING)
27
00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,297
Did you just brand me
like a heifer?
28
00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:36,573
Don't do that!
I don't like the psst noise.
29
00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,500
Go on!
30
00:01:44,167 --> 00:01:45,427
I'm gonna sit on you,
you've got
a very friendly lap.
31
00:01:46,233 --> 00:01:47,673
-How are you?
-I'm fine, thanks.
32
00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,630
You've gone all shy
cos you're on the telly!
33
00:01:51,967 --> 00:01:53,627
Yes. Do you know
the difference between sex
and a chicken leg?
34
00:01:54,533 --> 00:01:56,003
-No.
-No? D'you want to come
on a picnic?
35
00:01:57,433 --> 00:01:59,003
Very good the way
he works his audience.
36
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,597
No, darling. He's Vaudeville,
he's end-of-pier.
37
00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:05,300
(CHEERING ON TV)
38
00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,170
We'll see you next time.
I'm Chris Connor,
here for you!
39
00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:10,700
Thanks very much,
have a great day.
40
00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:13,233
-Who's the man?
-You're the man!
41
00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,330
See you tomorrow, bye-bye!
42
00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,070
Sieg Heil!
43
00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:33,503
When Oprah does that,
her audience do that.
44
00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:36,027
-Yes, they do.
-Yeah.
45
00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:40,803
-Did you press the button?
-Yes, I pressed the button.
46
00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:43,103
-Slow.
-RECORDED VOICE: 12th floor.
47
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,730
Oh, here we are.
48
00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,567
-What's that joke I do,
what's the joke?
-Oh, no, darling.
49
00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:51,533
No, the joke, the sheep,
interrupting sheep...
50
00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,200
Yes, but it's not funny,
darling. Jokes are meant
to be funny.
51
00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:56,603
Wife Beating to Dying Child?
52
00:02:57,267 --> 00:02:58,397
Got a ring to it, hasn't it?
53
00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,330
-Oh, Dying Child, is that today?
Oh, God! What's her name?
-Kimberley.
54
00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:07,103
Kimberley. How many times has
that girl been on the show,
still dying!
55
00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:11,027
I tell you what I need,
I need her disease, that name
of the disease she's got,
56
00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:14,527
written on a card
for me this time.
What did I call it last time?
57
00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,497
-Photosynthesis.
-Photosynthesis!
58
00:03:18,733 --> 00:03:20,503
Morning.
59
00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,330
I want names of other words
for beating, hitting, you know,
for this woman.
60
00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,700
If I can say slap, slap,
slap, slappity bitch up,
is that a good term?
61
00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:31,727
-Bitch slapping?
-I just want funny words.
62
00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,230
What's wrong with her?
63
00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,630
She's had some bad news
about her sister. You know
the actress Jessica De Wend?
64
00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:40,400
-Is that her sister?
-Mm.
65
00:03:41,367 --> 00:03:44,327
Really? Cos she's gorgeous.
What happened?
66
00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:46,733
She got a big American movie.
67
00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,400
What movie?
68
00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:59,030
Oh, some romcom piece
of old Jane Austen thingy
69
00:03:59,533 --> 00:04:01,203
remake set in LA,
70
00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:07,333
starring JK Giel-gang
gilly-gobble, I don't know.
71
00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,770
She hasn't got a baby?
72
00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,070
Yes, thank you, Carol.
73
00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:15,603
Useful to know
who the father was.
74
00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,570
-What?
-Look, she is merely an actress.
75
00:04:23,633 --> 00:04:25,433
A very beautiful one,
but all the same, I mean,
76
00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,430
you run a production company,
you know, De Wend Productions.
77
00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,303
Think of all the shows you do,
you don't just do this on.
78
00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:34,497
Squirrel Watch and Team Fat,
yeah. Don't talk to me.
79
00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,330
Yeah, but look at your energy.
The way you inspire
these people!
80
00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:40,197
Viv, you've got that
meeting with publicity later.
81
00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:43,630
We're gonna see the new promo!
82
00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,300
Come on, darling,
I'll get you to America.
83
00:04:46,867 --> 00:04:48,467
I'll be in make-up.
84
00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:52,603
Oh, before I go,
can everyone listen?
85
00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:58,103
Today, in the show, probably
before dying Kimberley,
86
00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,367
I'm just going to go into
the audience and just ask them
what they think for a moment.
87
00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:09,197
What? I mean,
just a little bit of rapport.
88
00:05:10,433 --> 00:05:14,003
You know, like Chris Connor
does, like Tyra, like Oprah.
89
00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:15,803
D'you want me
to warn them first?
90
00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,297
No, that's not funny,
not funny.
91
00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:21,003
-I'll be in make-up.
-Right, okay, right.
92
00:05:22,033 --> 00:05:24,173
-What did she say?
-She's going into the audience.
93
00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,600
No, she can't do that, no, fuck!
Oh, shit!
94
00:05:37,967 --> 00:05:39,267
Darling, the cushion covers
in the dressing room
need cleaning.
95
00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:41,097
I spilt my cleanser on them
the other day.
96
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:43,397
Oh, I thought
it was the dog, darling.
I'll get them sent...
97
00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,670
-Stop!
-What, what, what? Oh...
98
00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,430
-What's wrong, darling?
-Are you insane?
I mean, why are you...?
99
00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:51,730
-Why is she thinking like this?
-I don't know
what she's thinking.
100
00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,700
English bitch works
in the States, babe,
don't fuck with the formula.
101
00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,330
If it works, you know,
do not go near the audience!
102
00:06:00,833 --> 00:06:01,773
What, what, what?!
103
00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,000
All I'm thinking is,
I might just, you know,
bring them in a little.
104
00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,373
Include them. Maybe just
ask them a few questions.
105
00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:11,233
-No, darling, don't go in there,
you might catch something.
-Yes, I'm sorry.
106
00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,530
Listen! Listen, we are
strategising the show, babe,
I mean, fuck it!
107
00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,400
That is why we are
seeing Rosie, you know.
English bitch brand, babe.
108
00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,197
(HISSING)
109
00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,203
Don't make that noise.
I do not like it when
you make that noise!
110
00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:27,627
I hate it when you make
any psst noises.
111
00:06:30,867 --> 00:06:32,127
(WHISPERING)
112
00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,033
-Talk to her!
-You talk to her!
113
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,303
I mean, before he met her,
he was with a lovely girl.
114
00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,197
I mean, she could cook even.
115
00:06:43,033 --> 00:06:44,473
And that beautiful girl
from Harrow...
116
00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,670
But not this one,
she's not good enough.
117
00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,230
Are you saying she's not good
enough for your son?
118
00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:51,027
No-one's good enough
for your son.
119
00:06:51,867 --> 00:06:53,167
Yes they are.
But not you, you bitch!
120
00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:56,397
-What?! Talk to your mother,
Wayne, go on, talk to her.
-Come on, Wayne.
121
00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,627
She made me lose my baby
when she kicked me
in the belly!
122
00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:02,200
No, keep her off that,
the case hasn't
gone to court yet.
123
00:07:03,233 --> 00:07:05,203
Jesus Christ,
why wasn't I told about this?
124
00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,270
I'd have never have passed
these people.
This is terribly dangerous.
125
00:07:10,533 --> 00:07:12,073
You said I slept with all them
blokes for money and I never!
126
00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,627
Oh, so why did you smack him
that time then, eh?
127
00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:16,503
Cos your dad smacked me?
128
00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,100
No, he's in prison,
we can't go there.
129
00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,400
There is so much damage there
that I think the only thing
we can do at this stage
130
00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:26,627
is just to get them
to talk to each other
131
00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:30,197
so at least they can live
in the same house
without killing each other.
132
00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:31,767
No, we're just making telly.
133
00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:34,367
This is not about you,
is it, Bev?
134
00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:36,797
Look, I even took the teddy
round. I even took...
135
00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,800
It's not about who hit who,
it's not about how
you lost your baby.
136
00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:42,567
It's about who's an adult
in this relationship,
137
00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:44,327
Isn't it,
ladies and gentlemen?
138
00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:46,073
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
139
00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:49,003
You're not an adult.
You're not behaving
like an adult.
140
00:07:49,833 --> 00:07:51,633
You're not behaving
like an adult.
141
00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:55,427
And Wayne, what have you
got to say for yourself, hm?
142
00:07:56,633 --> 00:07:58,433
Come on, Wayne, are you just
going to sit there smirking?
143
00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,297
What have you
got to say for yourself?
144
00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:06,167
You're on the Vivienne Vyle
Show. I'm gonna have
my say for a moment.
145
00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:10,567
In fact, I'm gonna let
my audience have a say.
146
00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,303
I think she's going in.
147
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,670
I'm sure they'll find you
as ridiculous as I do.
148
00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,367
The fox is in the hen house!
Two stay on her.
149
00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,373
Three and four,
stay on the guests.
150
00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:24,330
One, five and six, find me
shots of the audience
enjoying this moment.
151
00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:26,503
What d'you think of them? Hm?
152
00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,630
What do you think of...?
153
00:08:32,633 --> 00:08:34,233
What do you think
of our guests today?
154
00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:38,203
Cut! Cut round!
155
00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,330
-Come on, someone...
-Oh, Christ!
156
00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,330
-Mother of God!
-She's killed the show.
157
00:08:43,033 --> 00:08:44,203
She's killed the bloody show!
158
00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:45,700
That's a lovely blouse.
159
00:08:50,833 --> 00:08:51,733
There, my audience
is speechless.
160
00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,600
Okay, she's back out.
Okay. Two-shot, three...
161
00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,203
You disgust me and most of my
audience with your behaviour.
162
00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,800
What about you, Wayne?
Have you got nothing to say?
You're not a man are you.
163
00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,367
No, no... Empathise, empathy!
164
00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:05,700
Pathetic, Wayne!
165
00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,370
No, this is actually
slightly more complex.
166
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,170
-Finger on the button.
-Oh.
167
00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,730
No, it's actually much,
much more complex.
168
00:09:14,633 --> 00:09:16,333
These people need
psychiatric evaluation.
169
00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,127
Shut up, shut up.
170
00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,203
-Finger off the button.
-Cos I'm going to
send you backstage
171
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:26,400
to have this sorted out with
our director of after-care,
Dr Jonathan Fowler.
172
00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,797
These people aren't
booked for after-care.
173
00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,697
I'm supposed
to go home early today!
174
00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,430
I have a clinic. I have very
sick people who need to see me.
175
00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,397
God, I haven't done my make-up!
176
00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,630
You might want to watch
the rest of the show because
you might learn something!
177
00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:47,503
Because in a moment,
we're gonna meet again
a very special little friend
178
00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:50,073
of the Vivienne Vyle Show,
179
00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,767
Kimberly Walsh.
180
00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,167
I wonder how many
of you remember her.
181
00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,673
Who, despite her
many struggles in life
182
00:09:57,767 --> 00:10:00,627
and her terminal illness,
she remains cheerful
183
00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:06,533
and thankfully alive
and an inspiration to us all.
See you after the break.
184
00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,773
Okay, so you're, er,
clear on why you're here today?
185
00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:15,267
Cos I'm dying.
186
00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,170
Oi, Damien? How are you
getting her onto the stage?
187
00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:21,227
I'm going to need a ramp,
you know.
188
00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:29,433
We need a fucking ramp! Now!
189
00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,327
Steady!
190
00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,397
I'm dreading that little girl.
191
00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,533
I mean, I just don't know if
I can make that face any more,
192
00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:40,797
it's not exactly what
the new show is about.
193
00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,367
Babe, don't worry about
the audience thing.
We're gonna cut round it.
194
00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,330
AUDIENCE: Aw!
195
00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:49,173
Oh, shit,
that's blown the review!
196
00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:52,167
I know, I'm sorry. I'll get
them to go on again, all right?
197
00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,233
What, audience?
That lot of morons?
198
00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:56,427
Did you see what they were
like when I went in there?
199
00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,500
They were nervous.
They were frightened!
200
00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:01,203
Of what? Of me?
201
00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,727
-Yes.
-Why?
202
00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:06,703
Oh, yes, why would
they be frightened of you?
203
00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:12,097
Cos you're such a lovely,
cuddly, soft, warm, cute
girlie girl, aren't you?
204
00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,227
You walked in amongst
them like a shard of ice.
205
00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,600
But remember, they love you
because you're a...
206
00:11:17,933 --> 00:11:19,203
Psst!
207
00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:21,633
...bitch.
208
00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,670
Well, Kimberley, you've been
a delightful guest, as ever.
209
00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:28,600
I've got a little present
for you.
210
00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,570
Something to take away
to remind you of us.
211
00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,500
We'll see you on
the show again, I hope.
Will you come back?
212
00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,430
-Yes.
-Good.
213
00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:42,127
Ladies and gentlemen,
give it up for Kimberley
on the Vivienne Vyle Show.
214
00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,430
What are we waiting for?
215
00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:50,267
I just need to find
a quiet room where we can
talk about all of this.
216
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:51,767
Talk about what?!
217
00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:53,603
Oh, look, there she goes again!
218
00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:55,597
What are you talking about?
219
00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:57,497
You just don't shut up
all the time!
220
00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:01,267
Well, you're a fine one
to talk, "Don't shut up"!
Are you joking?!
221
00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:06,497
It's got nothing to do with you,
right? At the end of the day,
I seriously do not know...
222
00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,130
Twat!
223
00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:09,803
...in my face all the time!
224
00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,630
What's happened
to the other one?
225
00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,703
-Who?
-The other girl like you,
white one, red hair.
226
00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,700
I dunno.
227
00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,270
-See you next time, Viv,
I'm off to do Paul O'Grady.
-Marvellous!
228
00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,270
ON RADIO: *The minute you
walked in the joint
229
00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:28,070
*I could see you were
a man of distinction
230
00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,397
* A real big spender
231
00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,667
* Good looking, so refined
232
00:12:34,933 --> 00:12:37,303
* Say, wouldn't you like to know
what's going on in my mind?
233
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:39,533
* So let me get
right to the point
234
00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:42,433
* I don't pop my cork
for every man...*
235
00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,103
Turn it off.
236
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,570
Darling, we talked about
the audience, didn't we?
237
00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:49,433
Don't go there. What's that?
238
00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:50,767
It's the new dog, darling.
239
00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,100
She's trying too hard.
We hate dogs.
240
00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:56,427
No, I don't like it, either,
darling. Get rid of it,
thank you.
241
00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:58,473
(HISSING)
242
00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:04,373
No, I'm sorry darling,
I just want to tong your hair.
243
00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,467
We're meeting Gerry and Tony
in the Ivy. Changed your frock?
244
00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:09,373
No, got a meeting
about the promo?
245
00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,530
-The promo meeting!
-Oh God, yes!
246
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,733
-Come on!
-I'm coming, darling.
247
00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,600
I thought the dog
would be nicer...
248
00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:20,173
-He doesn't do much though,
does he?
-Mm.
249
00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,227
Maybe that's his technique.
250
00:13:24,933 --> 00:13:27,603
Well, isn't that what they do?
They get paid to do nothing.
251
00:13:27,867 --> 00:13:29,297
Hmm.
252
00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,100
It's only for the insurance,
though, isn't it?
253
00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:38,327
So they can say they sat
with a psychologist
for a few minutes.
254
00:13:39,933 --> 00:13:42,803
Can you just bear with me
just one moment, I'll just
leave you with that...?
255
00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,533
This is not helpful.
256
00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,630
Can you please stop staring?
257
00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,500
And you, could you...
258
00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,433
-Could you go and make me
a cup of coffee, please?
-No.
259
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,670
So how are they doing
with the old psychological?
Is there any hope, Doctor?
260
00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:06,367
Well, I've got a woman
who's recently lost her baby
261
00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,167
and another who was regularly
beaten by her husband
and a mute.
262
00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:14,597
-So it may take a bit of time.
-You've only got 15 minutes
till their coach comes.
263
00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,030
I'll give you the nod, right?
264
00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:23,570
Listen, when Viv gets here,
nobody mention the fiasco.
265
00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:26,033
And will someone
get me a fucking coffee?
266
00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,530
You explain to me...
What it is, right...
267
00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:36,267
When a person gets one bit of
success and they suddenly think
they're fucking know it all.
268
00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,100
-Do you know what that is?
-It's called
delusions of grandeur.
269
00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:40,570
Would you please leave the room?
270
00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,030
Hello? Okay.
Helena, it's Maria.
271
00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,130
Everything's going to be fine.
272
00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:57,697
Hola. What? The baby what?
Found Smarties.
273
00:14:58,267 --> 00:14:59,997
What Smarties, Maria?
274
00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,770
Not my bedroom Smarties.
275
00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:04,533
Which Smarties? Which Smarties?
276
00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:10,373
Que Smarties e the baby...
Oh, hang on.
277
00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,030
(SHOUTING) Fiasco! Total.
278
00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:13,697
-It was the audience.
-Oh, yeah, right.
279
00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:17,773
How fucking hard
can it be to scrape me up
a decent audience?
280
00:15:19,533 --> 00:15:21,773
Just stir up the pond
and scoop some more out.
Where did you get that lot?
281
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:24,097
Grow them in Petri dishes,
grow me another audience.
282
00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,233
One with at least
one brain cell between them.
283
00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:29,600
A bad workman blames his tools.
Rosie will be here in a minute.
284
00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:32,397
God I really needed this today.
Damien, get Viv coffee.
285
00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,703
Yeah, Maria, que sweeties?
286
00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,570
So let me take your hand, Wayne.
287
00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:41,303
Come on. That's good.
288
00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,497
Could you take
your mother's hand?
289
00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,070
Good. How does that feel?
290
00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,570
-It helps.
-Okay. You don't have to speak.
291
00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,230
Now, where would you like
to take that hand?
292
00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:59,567
Okay, Maria. Momento. Yeah.
293
00:16:00,433 --> 00:16:02,203
Now, the last thing
we need to do...
294
00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,127
Yeah, sorry, just a quick one.
295
00:16:11,433 --> 00:16:13,273
Ecstasy and babies.
Is that a problem?
296
00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:17,467
No, it's not a problem.
Anyway, what's wrong
with a smiley baby?
297
00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,270
What do you mean,
not a problem?!
298
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,670
You're the problem.
What about that time you gave
Fendi the shoe polish?
299
00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,530
She had black stuff coming
out of her nose for weeks!
300
00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:29,703
Now you're saying it ain't
a problem. This is the problem!
301
00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,330
Um... Go hospital.
302
00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:36,470
Emergencia with baby.
A... con... baby...
303
00:16:37,033 --> 00:16:38,633
Bye. Shit, shit, shit!
304
00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,730
-You all right?
-Yeah, fine.
305
00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,570
It's just the nanny is going
with the baby just for
a check-up to the...hospital.
306
00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,427
What has she eaten?
Shouldn't you go?
307
00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,200
She said she found Smarties.
308
00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:51,630
I can't, I'm too busy.
What am I doing?
309
00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,630
Kirsty Allsop is still
sitting on her contacts.
310
00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:57,373
I've got Vanessa on my tits,
Ferne up my arse and
I'm pissing Carol Smillie.
311
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:02,130
I don't keep smarties.
I'm so careful. I never
have refined sugar in the house.
312
00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:04,327
If you're a media tart,
prepared to get eaten, darling.
313
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,570
Hi, darling. Phone. Quickly.
314
00:17:10,633 --> 00:17:12,103
-Who is it we're meeting again?
-Rosie Millar from Bluebottle.
315
00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:14,667
Bumblebee, darling.
No, she went back to Bluebottle.
316
00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,197
-From Bumblebee?
-Yes, from Bumblebee.
317
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,430
Right, everybody.
Actually, you know everybody.
318
00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:23,570
-This is Viv, obviously.
-Hi.
319
00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:28,233
-This is Josh, our creative.
-Hello, Josh.
320
00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,670
Can we crack on because
we have a meeting in
half-an-hour at the Ivy with...
321
00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:35,133
-Toni and Guy.
-Tom and Jerry. Terry and June.
322
00:17:35,867 --> 00:17:37,797
-Gerry and Tony.
-Gerry and Tony.
323
00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:41,627
-Crack on. This is Josh,
our creative.
-Yes, you said that.
324
00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:45,403
Okay, well, this is our brief.
325
00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:48,667
New market positioning.
326
00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,003
Up market.
327
00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,397
This is the starting point.
328
00:17:54,633 --> 00:17:59,033
We are working to create a new
audience, hence the new you.
329
00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:03,003
We're looking at
the expectations behind
the brand experience
330
00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,433
in order to brand your image
onto the minds of our viewers
331
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:10,197
and hence increase your value.
This is Viv.
332
00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:15,173
Wrong one. Viv.
333
00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:19,227
This is Viv
as opposed to Vivienne.
334
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,130
Which is why
we chose the colours.
335
00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:29,633
We're creating a media icon
by positioning,
336
00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:33,027
by dissociation as well
as association. Do you see?
337
00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,597
Can we just see it?
Crack on and play the promo.
338
00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:42,603
Okay, Josh. He's our
technical guy. He'll do this.
339
00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:48,133
Shark's teeth.
340
00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:51,567
You'll see the grey squirrels
popping about even in parks...
341
00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:54,267
I'm Vivienne Vyle
and I'm standing outside
my local garage
342
00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:57,203
where mechanics
have been conducting...
343
00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,267
The wedding. It's Prince Charles
to Lady Diana Spencer.
344
00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,670
I'm standing here with local
SDP candidate David Rumsfield.
345
00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,467
I thought you looked wonderful.
I thought the glasses were...
346
00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,370
-The coat was great and
the car was inspirational...
-I hate the roller.
347
00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:53,027
The roller doesn't work, Rosie.
It just doesn't work.
348
00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,073
Okay... you know,
how can you hate the promo?
349
00:19:57,333 --> 00:20:00,673
It's not perfect.
A few little things.
It's all doable.
350
00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,003
-You don't really hate it.
-I hate it.
It's a piece of shit.
351
00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:06,803
It doesn't say anything.
It says nothing. It's shit.
352
00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:10,103
-It's shit. It's not me.
-I thought this was what
we discussed.
353
00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,400
It might have been
what you two discussed.
It wasn't what I discussed.
354
00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:17,027
I think it's got something, you
know. Let's not throw the baby
out with the bathwater.
355
00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,170
A few tweaks here
and there if you're not happy.
356
00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:23,733
I hate the whole thing.
357
00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,067
Why do I hate it?
What am I trying to say?
358
00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:33,267
Well, with all those
old images tumbling around,
it felt like an obituary.
359
00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,773
-That's brilliant.
-You're welcome.
360
00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:37,627
Babe, let's get real here.
361
00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:41,667
Is it because you think
it makes you look old?
362
00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:43,430
What? Old? What?
363
00:20:44,233 --> 00:20:45,433
I'd have to say
I agree with you.
364
00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:48,433
I don't think
it does you any favours.
365
00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:52,127
It's kind of
old-fashioned, hokey.
366
00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:56,267
What we can... airbrush.
Treat it, you know?
367
00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:59,367
Zush it up a bit.
Make it work.
368
00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:03,597
Okay, okay.
We do have another idea.
369
00:21:04,033 --> 00:21:06,133
Josh. On you go.
370
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,470
Do the balloon thing.
371
00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,730
Right.
372
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:13,530
A bit more
performance orientated.
373
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,600
It's like we're doing it
on blue screen but
it's a big sparkly studio.
374
00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:22,603
Viv, like,
you're looking...glamorous.
375
00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,667
Oh, we like that, don't we?
376
00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:30,273
And you're struggling to
open a bottle of champagne.
377
00:21:31,433 --> 00:21:34,373
And then it pops and a big
balloon comes out for the bubble
378
00:21:35,633 --> 00:21:38,173
and the graphic on the balloon
says, "The Vivienne Vyle Show".
379
00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:43,633
And you're holding on
to the balloony string
380
00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:48,667
and you're being drifted up
and you're pulling
like a surprised-ish,
381
00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,300
pleased-ish face.
382
00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:59,197
I will never... make that face.
383
00:22:03,933 --> 00:22:05,633
You're fired.
384
00:22:07,133 --> 00:22:09,673
Okay, please yourselves.
385
00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,630
Come on, Josh. We'll give it
to Jan Leeming. Come on.
386
00:22:16,933 --> 00:22:18,203
-Get Miriam.
-Miriam?
387
00:22:19,133 --> 00:22:20,503
-Miriam Schultzman.
-Miriam Schultzman?
388
00:22:21,367 --> 00:22:23,127
Is that an olive
I've popped in my mouth?
389
00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:27,767
I don't know,
I'll have to ask him.
Jared, is that an olive?
390
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:29,500
-Yes.
-Is it an olive
I popped in my mouth?
391
00:22:30,333 --> 00:22:32,203
-Yes, it is.
-Well, it was delicious.
392
00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,530
I'll have another one
if there's one going
but don't put yourself out.
393
00:22:37,233 --> 00:22:39,203
So how is it with you and Viv?
394
00:22:40,433 --> 00:22:42,333
So you're married but are you
still gay? What's the story?
395
00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:44,730
You're talking to a man
who had his cock removed.
Come on, open up.
396
00:22:45,967 --> 00:22:48,367
Me and Ruth popped it in a box
and floated it down the Ganges.
397
00:22:49,533 --> 00:22:50,533
They'll do nothing for your
cock in the Jewish faith.
398
00:22:51,667 --> 00:22:54,167
-Your foreskin, yes.
Your cock, nothing.
-Miriam.
399
00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:56,673
-There she is!
-At last.
400
00:22:57,367 --> 00:22:59,467
Is it you or is it Aphrodite?
401
00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:02,433
It's Aphrodite,
if I'm not mistaken.
402
00:23:03,267 --> 00:23:04,567
-Darling, how are you?
-Very well.
403
00:23:06,033 --> 00:23:08,433
The cab cost me 50 quid.
Where are you living now
the cab cost me 50 quid?
404
00:23:09,133 --> 00:23:10,333
Jared, I gave you the receipt?
405
00:23:11,033 --> 00:23:12,273
-Yes.
-50 quid, Aphrodite.
406
00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:14,700
Sorted my darling.
You sit down and I'll be
with you in a minute.
407
00:23:16,067 --> 00:23:17,997
Before you ask me
about Ruth, let me tell you.
She's wonderful.
408
00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,230
She's like her mother.
She's ballooned, she's always
ill but she's ballooned.
409
00:23:23,133 --> 00:23:25,033
-Look, darling, I love Mervyn.
-Miriam.
410
00:23:26,367 --> 00:23:29,227
Miriam, darling.
Obviously, I love Miriam.
But he's a freak.
411
00:23:30,733 --> 00:23:32,503
...the pins come out of
her hips, she's on the floor
like a jellyfish.
412
00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,330
I love his clients,
I love Joan, Esther,
every one he represents.
413
00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,430
I love everyone he represents
but he's in a bit of
a time zone and he is a freak!
414
00:23:40,567 --> 00:23:42,067
-For God's sake, Jared.
-Did I tell you she's ballooned?
415
00:23:43,433 --> 00:23:46,603
So what are they doing?
What's this Rosie Millar
doing at Bluebottle?
416
00:23:47,267 --> 00:23:48,467
Whatever it is, it's not me.
417
00:23:49,433 --> 00:23:50,633
That's because you don't know
who you are.
418
00:23:51,833 --> 00:23:54,303
I mean that might be you but
it's not her and she isn't you.
419
00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:56,633
Who are we talking about here?
You getting my drift?
420
00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:59,600
Miriam, I just want you
to take control.
421
00:24:05,733 --> 00:24:08,533
Let's face it, you're inviting
us to visit the asylum.
422
00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:10,530
To have a good laugh.
423
00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:12,367
You're saying,
I think you should love
424
00:24:13,567 --> 00:24:16,367
your teenage, mutant, gay,
midget, fat bastard daughter.
425
00:24:17,267 --> 00:24:18,467
I understand
that's the kind of thing.
426
00:24:19,367 --> 00:24:21,097
These are the people
of Vivienne Vyle.
427
00:24:22,233 --> 00:24:25,003
The Woolworths, the chat
magazines, the KFC brigade.
428
00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,300
Walk around Woolworths,
they know who you are.
429
00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,670
Walk around Harvey Nics,
you're anonymous.
430
00:24:31,367 --> 00:24:33,797
That's what you want when
you do your shopping but not
when you're doing your show.
431
00:24:35,133 --> 00:24:36,433
-There's my cab.
It's on account.
-It's on account.
432
00:24:37,667 --> 00:24:39,997
Yes, call me a cab on account
and I'll do you a strategy.
433
00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:44,033
Don't you worry
about anything, darling.
Just leave it all to me.
434
00:24:45,267 --> 00:24:48,667
-Remember, if it ain't broke,
don't fix it.
-Freak!
435
00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:54,573
And all I wanted to do was
move you on from Iceland
to Selfridges Food Hall.
436
00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,670
But if you want to languish
there with the Kerry Kakatona
437
00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:02,597
and the Icelanders, be my guest.
438
00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,600
I like Miriam.
She understands her.
439
00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:08,773
-Who, Miriam?
-No, Vivienne.
440
00:25:09,467 --> 00:25:11,467
-Who?
-Vivienne.
441
00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,000
-You.
-No, her!
442
00:25:14,967 --> 00:25:19,497
It's far too complicated
to explain. I am Viv.
443
00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:21,797
So, you're like
the fucking Queen?
444
00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:24,430
Does she have
a second birthday as well?
445
00:25:25,633 --> 00:25:28,273
I've known you far too long for
me to say I don't know you,
446
00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:33,367
so do you trust my judgement?
Babe, look at me.
447
00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,230
-Do you trust my judgement?
-No.
448
00:25:38,233 --> 00:25:41,203
See... you've got this
psychiatric disorder.
449
00:25:42,367 --> 00:25:44,197
-It's not just me
that thinks so. Jonathan.
-What?
450
00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:48,633
You say she's got...
You, Vivienne, have got
delusions of grandeur.
451
00:25:49,767 --> 00:25:52,027
Oh, no. No. I didn't know
we were talking about Viv.
452
00:25:52,933 --> 00:25:54,673
I know what
I am going to do about me.
453
00:25:55,767 --> 00:25:58,167
Right, yeah. You know,
just like you did yesterday.
454
00:25:59,367 --> 00:26:01,997
"Hello, I'm Vivienne Vyle.
I'm going to my audience now.
455
00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:06,473
-"My audience that love me.
Hello."
-Don't you fucking dare!
456
00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,030
-Don't you fucking dare do that!
-Hello! Oh,
I'm backing away now.
457
00:26:10,033 --> 00:26:11,803
Which Vivienne is this
that's talking to me?
458
00:26:12,867 --> 00:26:15,367
Is it the one that
I've built up and made?
459
00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:18,270
It was just me! Do you know
who Vivienne Vyle is?
460
00:26:19,133 --> 00:26:21,573
I am fucking Vivienne Vyle!
It's me.
461
00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:24,270
It's just this skin, this hair,
this body, this person.
462
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,530
-It's all me!
-La-la-la-la!
463
00:26:30,033 --> 00:26:31,433
So I will control
where I'm going.
464
00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:40,670
-Where are we now?
-This is Slough, darling.
465
00:26:41,333 --> 00:26:42,703
Are these darkened windows?
466
00:26:43,667 --> 00:26:45,497
No, darling that's just the way
Slough looks.
467
00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,530
Oh, my God. Oh, my God,
it's like Eastern Europe.
468
00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,230
-Shh!
-What? Oh, Oleck.
469
00:26:52,667 --> 00:26:54,067
He doesn't mind.
470
00:26:54,867 --> 00:26:56,397
-He knows what I mean.
-Hideous.
471
00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:58,200
Christ.
472
00:26:59,067 --> 00:27:00,527
-So where is Viv?
-Can't really say.
473
00:27:05,367 --> 00:27:07,567
If you don't tell me,
I'll fire you.
474
00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,130
-She's doing
a personal appearance.
-Where?
475
00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:13,070
-At a Makro.
-What's a Makro?
476
00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:15,167
-It's like a Costco.
-What's a Costco?
477
00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:17,627
-Like a cash and carry.
-What's a cash-and-carry?
478
00:27:18,533 --> 00:27:20,273
-Like a shop. A supermarket.
-A sup...
479
00:27:21,833 --> 00:27:24,273
A supermarket?!
480
00:27:24,833 --> 00:27:27,273
My God, that's weird.
481
00:27:27,833 --> 00:27:29,233
They'll eat her alive.
482
00:27:30,033 --> 00:27:31,433
Why am I doing it?
Why, why, why?
483
00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:33,400
Yes, I bet you wish
you were holding
the string of that balloon
484
00:27:34,433 --> 00:27:35,773
-and making that face
now, darling.
-Yes.
485
00:27:38,667 --> 00:27:40,127
Oh, my God.
486
00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,330
VIVIENNE: Miriam had
better be right about this.
487
00:27:43,367 --> 00:27:45,627
Remember, these are my people
and I love them.
488
00:27:46,033 --> 00:27:47,533
Shit, shit.
489
00:27:48,033 --> 00:27:49,533
Oh, Christ, Jared.
490
00:27:49,933 --> 00:27:51,303
Here we go.
491
00:27:54,467 --> 00:27:56,497
(CROWD SHOUTING)
492
00:27:57,500 --> 00:27:59,700
Don't touch the coat!
Don't touch the coat!
493
00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:03,397
I watch all your programmes.
494
00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:06,500
Send in a search party
if I'm not out in two days.
495
00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,000
I need a drink.
496
00:28:12,100 --> 00:28:13,530
It's body temperature.
It's probably piss.
497
00:28:14,433 --> 00:28:16,003
That's what Vivienne loves,
darling.
498
00:28:19,567 --> 00:28:22,097
-Oi, Viv, sign
my baby's T-shirt.
-No, fuck off.
499
00:28:25,233 --> 00:28:27,733
Did you hear what she said?
Straight from the heart.
500
00:28:28,733 --> 00:28:30,573
I love you, Viv, I love you!
501
00:28:31,833 --> 00:28:34,173
Thank you. I love you.
I love you.
502
00:28:42,267 --> 00:28:44,267
Incest. Have you ever
slept with a sibling?
503
00:28:45,167 --> 00:28:46,027
Are you in love
with a blood relative?
504
00:28:46,967 --> 00:28:47,767
Do you want to marry
your brother or sister?
505
00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:49,600
Right or wrong,
we're not here to judge
506
00:28:50,433 --> 00:28:51,603
but how close is safe?
You tell us.
507
00:28:53,233 --> 00:28:56,033
The Vivienne Vyle Show's
doing a week-long special
getting into the family way.
508
00:28:56,967 --> 00:28:58,427
Contact us.
We'd love to hear from you.
42521
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