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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:13,733 --> 00:00:16,633 I don't believe you two, I mean, he's a very lucky man, isn't he? 2 00:00:17,433 --> 00:00:19,173 Because you're agreeing with him. 3 00:00:20,667 --> 00:00:21,697 How many men out there would suddenly like to develop a "sex addiction" 4 00:00:22,667 --> 00:00:24,667 if they knew they could get away with it? 5 00:00:25,667 --> 00:00:27,667 I can't help it, Viv, sex is like my oxygen. 6 00:00:29,267 --> 00:00:31,597 No, you're doing it because she's letting you do it. Isn't that the truth? 7 00:00:32,633 --> 00:00:33,403 He doesn't mean it, Viv, he can't help it. 8 00:00:34,567 --> 00:00:37,097 He's cheating on you! He's sleeping with other women! 9 00:00:38,633 --> 00:00:39,733 Turn your sin into a disease, you'll get away with murder these days. 10 00:00:41,100 --> 00:00:42,400 Half an hour in the Priory and then you're free to commit again. 11 00:00:43,300 --> 00:00:44,430 Therapy's the new capital punishment. 12 00:00:45,500 --> 00:00:46,500 -Hanging's too good for them, my love. -Yeah. 13 00:00:48,733 --> 00:00:50,773 -Oh, my God. -Viv... 14 00:00:54,333 --> 00:00:55,733 What programme is your machine on? 15 00:00:56,533 --> 00:00:58,373 I seem to be on constant Hill Climb. 16 00:00:59,367 --> 00:01:01,497 I mean, I'd need a bloody Sherpa to finish this. 17 00:01:02,733 --> 00:01:04,333 I feel like your brother here, mate, your big brother. 18 00:01:04,767 --> 00:01:06,297 Yeah, yeah! 19 00:01:06,867 --> 00:01:09,467 Smug bastard, isn't he? 20 00:01:10,100 --> 00:01:12,100 Let's hear it for Frank! 21 00:01:13,000 --> 00:01:14,370 I'm getting some of his audience now. 22 00:01:15,233 --> 00:01:16,733 I'm right up his arse in my ratings. 23 00:01:17,667 --> 00:01:19,467 You must be on Easy or something, darling. 24 00:01:20,400 --> 00:01:22,630 -Oh look, you are, look... -No, get off! 25 00:01:24,133 --> 00:01:27,003 Come on, darling, brand-new show, brand-new Vivienne Vyle. Brand Vyle! 26 00:01:27,367 --> 00:01:29,397 (HISSING) 27 00:01:30,267 --> 00:01:32,297 Did you just brand me like a heifer? 28 00:01:33,433 --> 00:01:36,573 Don't do that! I don't like the psst noise. 29 00:01:40,900 --> 00:01:42,500 Go on! 30 00:01:44,167 --> 00:01:45,427 I'm gonna sit on you, you've got a very friendly lap. 31 00:01:46,233 --> 00:01:47,673 -How are you? -I'm fine, thanks. 32 00:01:48,600 --> 00:01:50,630 You've gone all shy cos you're on the telly! 33 00:01:51,967 --> 00:01:53,627 Yes. Do you know the difference between sex and a chicken leg? 34 00:01:54,533 --> 00:01:56,003 -No. -No? D'you want to come on a picnic? 35 00:01:57,433 --> 00:01:59,003 Very good the way he works his audience. 36 00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,597 No, darling. He's Vaudeville, he's end-of-pier. 37 00:02:03,100 --> 00:02:05,300 (CHEERING ON TV) 38 00:02:07,200 --> 00:02:09,170 We'll see you next time. I'm Chris Connor, here for you! 39 00:02:10,100 --> 00:02:10,700 Thanks very much, have a great day. 40 00:02:11,433 --> 00:02:13,233 -Who's the man? -You're the man! 41 00:02:13,900 --> 00:02:15,330 See you tomorrow, bye-bye! 42 00:02:15,700 --> 00:02:17,070 Sieg Heil! 43 00:02:31,933 --> 00:02:33,503 When Oprah does that, her audience do that. 44 00:02:34,167 --> 00:02:36,027 -Yes, they do. -Yeah. 45 00:02:39,233 --> 00:02:40,803 -Did you press the button? -Yes, I pressed the button. 46 00:02:41,833 --> 00:02:43,103 -Slow. -RECORDED VOICE: 12th floor. 47 00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,730 Oh, here we are. 48 00:02:47,767 --> 00:02:49,567 -What's that joke I do, what's the joke? -Oh, no, darling. 49 00:02:50,533 --> 00:02:51,533 No, the joke, the sheep, interrupting sheep... 50 00:02:52,800 --> 00:02:54,200 Yes, but it's not funny, darling. Jokes are meant to be funny. 51 00:02:55,033 --> 00:02:56,603 Wife Beating to Dying Child? 52 00:02:57,267 --> 00:02:58,397 Got a ring to it, hasn't it? 53 00:02:59,800 --> 00:03:02,330 -Oh, Dying Child, is that today? Oh, God! What's her name? -Kimberley. 54 00:03:03,833 --> 00:03:07,103 Kimberley. How many times has that girl been on the show, still dying! 55 00:03:08,767 --> 00:03:11,027 I tell you what I need, I need her disease, that name of the disease she's got, 56 00:03:12,467 --> 00:03:14,527 written on a card for me this time. What did I call it last time? 57 00:03:15,267 --> 00:03:16,497 -Photosynthesis. -Photosynthesis! 58 00:03:18,733 --> 00:03:20,503 Morning. 59 00:03:22,000 --> 00:03:25,330 I want names of other words for beating, hitting, you know, for this woman. 60 00:03:26,700 --> 00:03:29,700 If I can say slap, slap, slap, slappity bitch up, is that a good term? 61 00:03:30,667 --> 00:03:31,727 -Bitch slapping? -I just want funny words. 62 00:03:32,500 --> 00:03:34,230 What's wrong with her? 63 00:03:35,900 --> 00:03:38,630 She's had some bad news about her sister. You know the actress Jessica De Wend? 64 00:03:39,300 --> 00:03:40,400 -Is that her sister? -Mm. 65 00:03:41,367 --> 00:03:44,327 Really? Cos she's gorgeous. What happened? 66 00:03:45,033 --> 00:03:46,733 She got a big American movie. 67 00:03:52,100 --> 00:03:53,400 What movie? 68 00:03:54,500 --> 00:03:59,030 Oh, some romcom piece of old Jane Austen thingy 69 00:03:59,533 --> 00:04:01,203 remake set in LA, 70 00:04:02,333 --> 00:04:07,333 starring JK Giel-gang gilly-gobble, I don't know. 71 00:04:07,900 --> 00:04:09,770 She hasn't got a baby? 72 00:04:10,500 --> 00:04:12,070 Yes, thank you, Carol. 73 00:04:13,933 --> 00:04:15,603 Useful to know who the father was. 74 00:04:19,400 --> 00:04:22,570 -What? -Look, she is merely an actress. 75 00:04:23,633 --> 00:04:25,433 A very beautiful one, but all the same, I mean, 76 00:04:26,700 --> 00:04:29,430 you run a production company, you know, De Wend Productions. 77 00:04:30,633 --> 00:04:32,303 Think of all the shows you do, you don't just do this on. 78 00:04:33,467 --> 00:04:34,497 Squirrel Watch and Team Fat, yeah. Don't talk to me. 79 00:04:35,900 --> 00:04:37,330 Yeah, but look at your energy. The way you inspire these people! 80 00:04:38,467 --> 00:04:40,197 Viv, you've got that meeting with publicity later. 81 00:04:40,900 --> 00:04:43,630 We're gonna see the new promo! 82 00:04:44,500 --> 00:04:46,300 Come on, darling, I'll get you to America. 83 00:04:46,867 --> 00:04:48,467 I'll be in make-up. 84 00:04:49,333 --> 00:04:52,603 Oh, before I go, can everyone listen? 85 00:04:53,733 --> 00:04:58,103 Today, in the show, probably before dying Kimberley, 86 00:04:59,867 --> 00:05:02,367 I'm just going to go into the audience and just ask them what they think for a moment. 87 00:05:07,267 --> 00:05:09,197 What? I mean, just a little bit of rapport. 88 00:05:10,433 --> 00:05:14,003 You know, like Chris Connor does, like Tyra, like Oprah. 89 00:05:14,833 --> 00:05:15,803 D'you want me to warn them first? 90 00:05:16,767 --> 00:05:18,297 No, that's not funny, not funny. 91 00:05:19,233 --> 00:05:21,003 -I'll be in make-up. -Right, okay, right. 92 00:05:22,033 --> 00:05:24,173 -What did she say? -She's going into the audience. 93 00:05:25,100 --> 00:05:26,600 No, she can't do that, no, fuck! Oh, shit! 94 00:05:37,967 --> 00:05:39,267 Darling, the cushion covers in the dressing room need cleaning. 95 00:05:40,267 --> 00:05:41,097 I spilt my cleanser on them the other day. 96 00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:43,397 Oh, I thought it was the dog, darling. I'll get them sent... 97 00:05:44,100 --> 00:05:45,670 -Stop! -What, what, what? Oh... 98 00:05:47,000 --> 00:05:49,430 -What's wrong, darling? -Are you insane? I mean, why are you...? 99 00:05:50,800 --> 00:05:51,730 -Why is she thinking like this? -I don't know what she's thinking. 100 00:05:53,400 --> 00:05:56,700 English bitch works in the States, babe, don't fuck with the formula. 101 00:05:57,800 --> 00:06:00,330 If it works, you know, do not go near the audience! 102 00:06:00,833 --> 00:06:01,773 What, what, what?! 103 00:06:03,300 --> 00:06:05,000 All I'm thinking is, I might just, you know, bring them in a little. 104 00:06:06,133 --> 00:06:07,373 Include them. Maybe just ask them a few questions. 105 00:06:08,833 --> 00:06:11,233 -No, darling, don't go in there, you might catch something. -Yes, I'm sorry. 106 00:06:12,700 --> 00:06:15,530 Listen! Listen, we are strategising the show, babe, I mean, fuck it! 107 00:06:17,000 --> 00:06:20,400 That is why we are seeing Rosie, you know. English bitch brand, babe. 108 00:06:20,767 --> 00:06:22,197 (HISSING) 109 00:06:23,633 --> 00:06:25,203 Don't make that noise. I do not like it when you make that noise! 110 00:06:26,067 --> 00:06:27,627 I hate it when you make any psst noises. 111 00:06:30,867 --> 00:06:32,127 (WHISPERING) 112 00:06:32,933 --> 00:06:34,033 -Talk to her! -You talk to her! 113 00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,303 I mean, before he met her, he was with a lovely girl. 114 00:06:40,967 --> 00:06:42,197 I mean, she could cook even. 115 00:06:43,033 --> 00:06:44,473 And that beautiful girl from Harrow... 116 00:06:45,400 --> 00:06:46,670 But not this one, she's not good enough. 117 00:06:47,800 --> 00:06:49,230 Are you saying she's not good enough for your son? 118 00:06:50,067 --> 00:06:51,027 No-one's good enough for your son. 119 00:06:51,867 --> 00:06:53,167 Yes they are. But not you, you bitch! 120 00:06:54,667 --> 00:06:56,397 -What?! Talk to your mother, Wayne, go on, talk to her. -Come on, Wayne. 121 00:06:57,667 --> 00:06:59,627 She made me lose my baby when she kicked me in the belly! 122 00:07:00,900 --> 00:07:02,200 No, keep her off that, the case hasn't gone to court yet. 123 00:07:03,233 --> 00:07:05,203 Jesus Christ, why wasn't I told about this? 124 00:07:06,700 --> 00:07:09,270 I'd have never have passed these people. This is terribly dangerous. 125 00:07:10,533 --> 00:07:12,073 You said I slept with all them blokes for money and I never! 126 00:07:13,167 --> 00:07:14,627 Oh, so why did you smack him that time then, eh? 127 00:07:15,233 --> 00:07:16,503 Cos your dad smacked me? 128 00:07:17,400 --> 00:07:19,100 No, he's in prison, we can't go there. 129 00:07:20,800 --> 00:07:23,400 There is so much damage there that I think the only thing we can do at this stage 130 00:07:24,367 --> 00:07:26,627 is just to get them to talk to each other 131 00:07:28,167 --> 00:07:30,197 so at least they can live in the same house without killing each other. 132 00:07:30,867 --> 00:07:31,767 No, we're just making telly. 133 00:07:32,767 --> 00:07:34,367 This is not about you, is it, Bev? 134 00:07:35,467 --> 00:07:36,797 Look, I even took the teddy round. I even took... 135 00:07:38,400 --> 00:07:39,800 It's not about who hit who, it's not about how you lost your baby. 136 00:07:41,067 --> 00:07:42,567 It's about who's an adult in this relationship, 137 00:07:43,367 --> 00:07:44,327 Isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? 138 00:07:44,933 --> 00:07:46,073 (AUDIENCE APPLAUDING) 139 00:07:47,333 --> 00:07:49,003 You're not an adult. You're not behaving like an adult. 140 00:07:49,833 --> 00:07:51,633 You're not behaving like an adult. 141 00:07:52,767 --> 00:07:55,427 And Wayne, what have you got to say for yourself, hm? 142 00:07:56,633 --> 00:07:58,433 Come on, Wayne, are you just going to sit there smirking? 143 00:07:59,267 --> 00:08:01,297 What have you got to say for yourself? 144 00:08:02,767 --> 00:08:06,167 You're on the Vivienne Vyle Show. I'm gonna have my say for a moment. 145 00:08:08,467 --> 00:08:10,567 In fact, I'm gonna let my audience have a say. 146 00:08:11,133 --> 00:08:12,303 I think she's going in. 147 00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:15,670 I'm sure they'll find you as ridiculous as I do. 148 00:08:16,667 --> 00:08:18,367 The fox is in the hen house! Two stay on her. 149 00:08:19,333 --> 00:08:20,373 Three and four, stay on the guests. 150 00:08:21,900 --> 00:08:24,330 One, five and six, find me shots of the audience enjoying this moment. 151 00:08:25,033 --> 00:08:26,503 What d'you think of them? Hm? 152 00:08:29,500 --> 00:08:31,630 What do you think of...? 153 00:08:32,633 --> 00:08:34,233 What do you think of our guests today? 154 00:08:35,433 --> 00:08:38,203 Cut! Cut round! 155 00:08:39,000 --> 00:08:40,330 -Come on, someone... -Oh, Christ! 156 00:08:41,200 --> 00:08:42,330 -Mother of God! -She's killed the show. 157 00:08:43,033 --> 00:08:44,203 She's killed the bloody show! 158 00:08:44,800 --> 00:08:45,700 That's a lovely blouse. 159 00:08:50,833 --> 00:08:51,733 There, my audience is speechless. 160 00:08:52,700 --> 00:08:54,600 Okay, she's back out. Okay. Two-shot, three... 161 00:08:55,833 --> 00:08:57,203 You disgust me and most of my audience with your behaviour. 162 00:08:58,800 --> 00:09:00,800 What about you, Wayne? Have you got nothing to say? You're not a man are you. 163 00:09:01,667 --> 00:09:04,367 No, no... Empathise, empathy! 164 00:09:04,800 --> 00:09:05,700 Pathetic, Wayne! 165 00:09:06,700 --> 00:09:08,370 No, this is actually slightly more complex. 166 00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,170 -Finger on the button. -Oh. 167 00:09:11,100 --> 00:09:13,730 No, it's actually much, much more complex. 168 00:09:14,633 --> 00:09:16,333 These people need psychiatric evaluation. 169 00:09:16,867 --> 00:09:18,127 Shut up, shut up. 170 00:09:19,433 --> 00:09:21,203 -Finger off the button. -Cos I'm going to send you backstage 171 00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:26,400 to have this sorted out with our director of after-care, Dr Jonathan Fowler. 172 00:09:27,367 --> 00:09:28,797 These people aren't booked for after-care. 173 00:09:29,767 --> 00:09:31,697 I'm supposed to go home early today! 174 00:09:32,900 --> 00:09:35,430 I have a clinic. I have very sick people who need to see me. 175 00:09:36,167 --> 00:09:38,397 God, I haven't done my make-up! 176 00:09:40,000 --> 00:09:42,630 You might want to watch the rest of the show because you might learn something! 177 00:09:44,133 --> 00:09:47,503 Because in a moment, we're gonna meet again a very special little friend 178 00:09:48,133 --> 00:09:50,073 of the Vivienne Vyle Show, 179 00:09:50,567 --> 00:09:51,767 Kimberly Walsh. 180 00:09:52,967 --> 00:09:54,167 I wonder how many of you remember her. 181 00:09:55,133 --> 00:09:56,673 Who, despite her many struggles in life 182 00:09:57,767 --> 00:10:00,627 and her terminal illness, she remains cheerful 183 00:10:02,333 --> 00:10:06,533 and thankfully alive and an inspiration to us all. See you after the break. 184 00:10:11,133 --> 00:10:12,773 Okay, so you're, er, clear on why you're here today? 185 00:10:13,367 --> 00:10:15,267 Cos I'm dying. 186 00:10:16,400 --> 00:10:18,170 Oi, Damien? How are you getting her onto the stage? 187 00:10:19,067 --> 00:10:21,227 I'm going to need a ramp, you know. 188 00:10:27,233 --> 00:10:29,433 We need a fucking ramp! Now! 189 00:10:29,767 --> 00:10:31,327 Steady! 190 00:10:33,067 --> 00:10:34,397 I'm dreading that little girl. 191 00:10:37,333 --> 00:10:38,533 I mean, I just don't know if I can make that face any more, 192 00:10:39,567 --> 00:10:40,797 it's not exactly what the new show is about. 193 00:10:42,467 --> 00:10:44,367 Babe, don't worry about the audience thing. We're gonna cut round it. 194 00:10:44,800 --> 00:10:46,330 AUDIENCE: Aw! 195 00:10:47,133 --> 00:10:49,173 Oh, shit, that's blown the review! 196 00:10:50,367 --> 00:10:52,167 I know, I'm sorry. I'll get them to go on again, all right? 197 00:10:53,033 --> 00:10:54,233 What, audience? That lot of morons? 198 00:10:55,367 --> 00:10:56,427 Did you see what they were like when I went in there? 199 00:10:57,400 --> 00:10:58,500 They were nervous. They were frightened! 200 00:10:58,933 --> 00:11:01,203 Of what? Of me? 201 00:11:01,667 --> 00:11:03,727 -Yes. -Why? 202 00:11:04,733 --> 00:11:06,703 Oh, yes, why would they be frightened of you? 203 00:11:08,267 --> 00:11:12,097 Cos you're such a lovely, cuddly, soft, warm, cute girlie girl, aren't you? 204 00:11:13,167 --> 00:11:15,227 You walked in amongst them like a shard of ice. 205 00:11:16,300 --> 00:11:17,600 But remember, they love you because you're a... 206 00:11:17,933 --> 00:11:19,203 Psst! 207 00:11:20,533 --> 00:11:21,633 ...bitch. 208 00:11:24,800 --> 00:11:26,670 Well, Kimberley, you've been a delightful guest, as ever. 209 00:11:27,500 --> 00:11:28,600 I've got a little present for you. 210 00:11:29,600 --> 00:11:32,570 Something to take away to remind you of us. 211 00:11:33,800 --> 00:11:35,500 We'll see you on the show again, I hope. Will you come back? 212 00:11:36,000 --> 00:11:37,430 -Yes. -Good. 213 00:11:38,967 --> 00:11:42,127 Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Kimberley on the Vivienne Vyle Show. 214 00:11:45,300 --> 00:11:46,430 What are we waiting for? 215 00:11:47,967 --> 00:11:50,267 I just need to find a quiet room where we can talk about all of this. 216 00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:51,767 Talk about what?! 217 00:11:52,633 --> 00:11:53,603 Oh, look, there she goes again! 218 00:11:54,267 --> 00:11:55,597 What are you talking about? 219 00:11:56,467 --> 00:11:57,497 You just don't shut up all the time! 220 00:11:58,967 --> 00:12:01,267 Well, you're a fine one to talk, "Don't shut up"! Are you joking?! 221 00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:06,497 It's got nothing to do with you, right? At the end of the day, I seriously do not know... 222 00:12:06,800 --> 00:12:08,130 Twat! 223 00:12:08,833 --> 00:12:09,803 ...in my face all the time! 224 00:12:10,800 --> 00:12:11,630 What's happened to the other one? 225 00:12:12,833 --> 00:12:14,703 -Who? -The other girl like you, white one, red hair. 226 00:12:15,000 --> 00:12:16,700 I dunno. 227 00:12:18,700 --> 00:12:22,270 -See you next time, Viv, I'm off to do Paul O'Grady. -Marvellous! 228 00:12:23,400 --> 00:12:24,270 ON RADIO: *The minute you walked in the joint 229 00:12:25,300 --> 00:12:28,070 *I could see you were a man of distinction 230 00:12:28,667 --> 00:12:30,397 * A real big spender 231 00:12:31,067 --> 00:12:33,667 * Good looking, so refined 232 00:12:34,933 --> 00:12:37,303 * Say, wouldn't you like to know what's going on in my mind? 233 00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:39,533 * So let me get right to the point 234 00:12:40,533 --> 00:12:42,433 * I don't pop my cork for every man...* 235 00:12:42,833 --> 00:12:44,103 Turn it off. 236 00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:47,570 Darling, we talked about the audience, didn't we? 237 00:12:48,233 --> 00:12:49,433 Don't go there. What's that? 238 00:12:50,067 --> 00:12:50,767 It's the new dog, darling. 239 00:12:51,800 --> 00:12:53,100 She's trying too hard. We hate dogs. 240 00:12:54,467 --> 00:12:56,427 No, I don't like it, either, darling. Get rid of it, thank you. 241 00:12:56,833 --> 00:12:58,473 (HISSING) 242 00:13:02,733 --> 00:13:04,373 No, I'm sorry darling, I just want to tong your hair. 243 00:13:05,567 --> 00:13:07,467 We're meeting Gerry and Tony in the Ivy. Changed your frock? 244 00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:09,373 No, got a meeting about the promo? 245 00:13:10,200 --> 00:13:11,530 -The promo meeting! -Oh God, yes! 246 00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:13,733 -Come on! -I'm coming, darling. 247 00:13:14,600 --> 00:13:16,600 I thought the dog would be nicer... 248 00:13:17,933 --> 00:13:20,173 -He doesn't do much though, does he? -Mm. 249 00:13:20,867 --> 00:13:22,227 Maybe that's his technique. 250 00:13:24,933 --> 00:13:27,603 Well, isn't that what they do? They get paid to do nothing. 251 00:13:27,867 --> 00:13:29,297 Hmm. 252 00:13:31,100 --> 00:13:33,100 It's only for the insurance, though, isn't it? 253 00:13:34,367 --> 00:13:38,327 So they can say they sat with a psychologist for a few minutes. 254 00:13:39,933 --> 00:13:42,803 Can you just bear with me just one moment, I'll just leave you with that...? 255 00:13:46,033 --> 00:13:47,533 This is not helpful. 256 00:13:48,200 --> 00:13:50,630 Can you please stop staring? 257 00:13:51,200 --> 00:13:52,500 And you, could you... 258 00:13:53,733 --> 00:13:56,433 -Could you go and make me a cup of coffee, please? -No. 259 00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:02,670 So how are they doing with the old psychological? Is there any hope, Doctor? 260 00:14:03,767 --> 00:14:06,367 Well, I've got a woman who's recently lost her baby 261 00:14:07,767 --> 00:14:10,167 and another who was regularly beaten by her husband and a mute. 262 00:14:11,867 --> 00:14:14,597 -So it may take a bit of time. -You've only got 15 minutes till their coach comes. 263 00:14:15,300 --> 00:14:18,030 I'll give you the nod, right? 264 00:14:19,500 --> 00:14:23,570 Listen, when Viv gets here, nobody mention the fiasco. 265 00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:26,033 And will someone get me a fucking coffee? 266 00:14:30,000 --> 00:14:31,530 You explain to me... What it is, right... 267 00:14:33,267 --> 00:14:36,267 When a person gets one bit of success and they suddenly think they're fucking know it all. 268 00:14:37,600 --> 00:14:39,100 -Do you know what that is? -It's called delusions of grandeur. 269 00:14:39,800 --> 00:14:40,570 Would you please leave the room? 270 00:14:41,800 --> 00:14:45,030 Hello? Okay. Helena, it's Maria. 271 00:14:47,400 --> 00:14:49,130 Everything's going to be fine. 272 00:14:54,967 --> 00:14:57,697 Hola. What? The baby what? Found Smarties. 273 00:14:58,267 --> 00:14:59,997 What Smarties, Maria? 274 00:15:00,600 --> 00:15:01,770 Not my bedroom Smarties. 275 00:15:02,633 --> 00:15:04,533 Which Smarties? Which Smarties? 276 00:15:07,033 --> 00:15:10,373 Que Smarties e the baby... Oh, hang on. 277 00:15:11,000 --> 00:15:12,030 (SHOUTING) Fiasco! Total. 278 00:15:12,967 --> 00:15:13,697 -It was the audience. -Oh, yeah, right. 279 00:15:15,033 --> 00:15:17,773 How fucking hard can it be to scrape me up a decent audience? 280 00:15:19,533 --> 00:15:21,773 Just stir up the pond and scoop some more out. Where did you get that lot? 281 00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:24,097 Grow them in Petri dishes, grow me another audience. 282 00:15:25,133 --> 00:15:26,233 One with at least one brain cell between them. 283 00:15:27,500 --> 00:15:29,600 A bad workman blames his tools. Rosie will be here in a minute. 284 00:15:30,767 --> 00:15:32,397 God I really needed this today. Damien, get Viv coffee. 285 00:15:33,133 --> 00:15:35,703 Yeah, Maria, que sweeties? 286 00:15:36,400 --> 00:15:38,570 So let me take your hand, Wayne. 287 00:15:39,133 --> 00:15:41,303 Come on. That's good. 288 00:15:42,167 --> 00:15:43,497 Could you take your mother's hand? 289 00:15:45,000 --> 00:15:47,070 Good. How does that feel? 290 00:15:48,200 --> 00:15:50,570 -It helps. -Okay. You don't have to speak. 291 00:15:51,600 --> 00:15:55,230 Now, where would you like to take that hand? 292 00:15:57,067 --> 00:15:59,567 Okay, Maria. Momento. Yeah. 293 00:16:00,433 --> 00:16:02,203 Now, the last thing we need to do... 294 00:16:06,967 --> 00:16:09,127 Yeah, sorry, just a quick one. 295 00:16:11,433 --> 00:16:13,273 Ecstasy and babies. Is that a problem? 296 00:16:14,567 --> 00:16:17,467 No, it's not a problem. Anyway, what's wrong with a smiley baby? 297 00:16:18,300 --> 00:16:20,270 What do you mean, not a problem?! 298 00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:23,670 You're the problem. What about that time you gave Fendi the shoe polish? 299 00:16:24,800 --> 00:16:26,530 She had black stuff coming out of her nose for weeks! 300 00:16:27,733 --> 00:16:29,703 Now you're saying it ain't a problem. This is the problem! 301 00:16:30,200 --> 00:16:32,330 Um... Go hospital. 302 00:16:33,300 --> 00:16:36,470 Emergencia with baby. A... con... baby... 303 00:16:37,033 --> 00:16:38,633 Bye. Shit, shit, shit! 304 00:16:39,300 --> 00:16:40,730 -You all right? -Yeah, fine. 305 00:16:42,400 --> 00:16:45,570 It's just the nanny is going with the baby just for a check-up to the...hospital. 306 00:16:46,467 --> 00:16:47,427 What has she eaten? Shouldn't you go? 307 00:16:48,100 --> 00:16:49,200 She said she found Smarties. 308 00:16:50,100 --> 00:16:51,630 I can't, I'm too busy. What am I doing? 309 00:16:52,600 --> 00:16:53,630 Kirsty Allsop is still sitting on her contacts. 310 00:16:55,233 --> 00:16:57,373 I've got Vanessa on my tits, Ferne up my arse and I'm pissing Carol Smillie. 311 00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:02,130 I don't keep smarties. I'm so careful. I never have refined sugar in the house. 312 00:17:03,267 --> 00:17:04,327 If you're a media tart, prepared to get eaten, darling. 313 00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:08,570 Hi, darling. Phone. Quickly. 314 00:17:10,633 --> 00:17:12,103 -Who is it we're meeting again? -Rosie Millar from Bluebottle. 315 00:17:13,167 --> 00:17:14,667 Bumblebee, darling. No, she went back to Bluebottle. 316 00:17:15,567 --> 00:17:17,197 -From Bumblebee? -Yes, from Bumblebee. 317 00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,430 Right, everybody. Actually, you know everybody. 318 00:17:21,100 --> 00:17:23,570 -This is Viv, obviously. -Hi. 319 00:17:26,333 --> 00:17:28,233 -This is Josh, our creative. -Hello, Josh. 320 00:17:29,700 --> 00:17:32,670 Can we crack on because we have a meeting in half-an-hour at the Ivy with... 321 00:17:33,633 --> 00:17:35,133 -Toni and Guy. -Tom and Jerry. Terry and June. 322 00:17:35,867 --> 00:17:37,797 -Gerry and Tony. -Gerry and Tony. 323 00:17:39,167 --> 00:17:41,627 -Crack on. This is Josh, our creative. -Yes, you said that. 324 00:17:42,333 --> 00:17:45,403 Okay, well, this is our brief. 325 00:17:45,967 --> 00:17:48,667 New market positioning. 326 00:17:49,033 --> 00:17:51,003 Up market. 327 00:17:51,667 --> 00:17:53,397 This is the starting point. 328 00:17:54,633 --> 00:17:59,033 We are working to create a new audience, hence the new you. 329 00:18:00,233 --> 00:18:03,003 We're looking at the expectations behind the brand experience 330 00:18:04,233 --> 00:18:05,433 in order to brand your image onto the minds of our viewers 331 00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:10,197 and hence increase your value. This is Viv. 332 00:18:12,533 --> 00:18:15,173 Wrong one. Viv. 333 00:18:15,967 --> 00:18:19,227 This is Viv as opposed to Vivienne. 334 00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,130 Which is why we chose the colours. 335 00:18:25,133 --> 00:18:29,633 We're creating a media icon by positioning, 336 00:18:30,767 --> 00:18:33,027 by dissociation as well as association. Do you see? 337 00:18:36,767 --> 00:18:38,597 Can we just see it? Crack on and play the promo. 338 00:18:39,733 --> 00:18:42,603 Okay, Josh. He's our technical guy. He'll do this. 339 00:18:46,633 --> 00:18:48,133 Shark's teeth. 340 00:18:49,467 --> 00:18:51,567 You'll see the grey squirrels popping about even in parks... 341 00:18:52,967 --> 00:18:54,267 I'm Vivienne Vyle and I'm standing outside my local garage 342 00:18:55,233 --> 00:18:57,203 where mechanics have been conducting... 343 00:18:58,367 --> 00:19:01,267 The wedding. It's Prince Charles to Lady Diana Spencer. 344 00:19:02,600 --> 00:19:05,670 I'm standing here with local SDP candidate David Rumsfield. 345 00:19:44,167 --> 00:19:46,467 I thought you looked wonderful. I thought the glasses were... 346 00:19:48,000 --> 00:19:50,370 -The coat was great and the car was inspirational... -I hate the roller. 347 00:19:51,467 --> 00:19:53,027 The roller doesn't work, Rosie. It just doesn't work. 348 00:19:54,033 --> 00:19:56,073 Okay... you know, how can you hate the promo? 349 00:19:57,333 --> 00:20:00,673 It's not perfect. A few little things. It's all doable. 350 00:20:02,033 --> 00:20:04,003 -You don't really hate it. -I hate it. It's a piece of shit. 351 00:20:05,133 --> 00:20:06,803 It doesn't say anything. It says nothing. It's shit. 352 00:20:08,233 --> 00:20:10,103 -It's shit. It's not me. -I thought this was what we discussed. 353 00:20:11,600 --> 00:20:12,400 It might have been what you two discussed. It wasn't what I discussed. 354 00:20:14,067 --> 00:20:17,027 I think it's got something, you know. Let's not throw the baby out with the bathwater. 355 00:20:18,100 --> 00:20:20,170 A few tweaks here and there if you're not happy. 356 00:20:20,733 --> 00:20:23,733 I hate the whole thing. 357 00:20:25,967 --> 00:20:27,067 Why do I hate it? What am I trying to say? 358 00:20:28,667 --> 00:20:33,267 Well, with all those old images tumbling around, it felt like an obituary. 359 00:20:34,133 --> 00:20:35,773 -That's brilliant. -You're welcome. 360 00:20:36,567 --> 00:20:37,627 Babe, let's get real here. 361 00:20:38,567 --> 00:20:41,667 Is it because you think it makes you look old? 362 00:20:42,100 --> 00:20:43,430 What? Old? What? 363 00:20:44,233 --> 00:20:45,433 I'd have to say I agree with you. 364 00:20:46,233 --> 00:20:48,433 I don't think it does you any favours. 365 00:20:49,267 --> 00:20:52,127 It's kind of old-fashioned, hokey. 366 00:20:53,067 --> 00:20:56,267 What we can... airbrush. Treat it, you know? 367 00:20:57,067 --> 00:20:59,367 Zush it up a bit. Make it work. 368 00:21:00,167 --> 00:21:03,597 Okay, okay. We do have another idea. 369 00:21:04,033 --> 00:21:06,133 Josh. On you go. 370 00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:08,470 Do the balloon thing. 371 00:21:08,800 --> 00:21:10,730 Right. 372 00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:13,530 A bit more performance orientated. 373 00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:19,600 It's like we're doing it on blue screen but it's a big sparkly studio. 374 00:21:20,533 --> 00:21:22,603 Viv, like, you're looking...glamorous. 375 00:21:23,867 --> 00:21:25,667 Oh, we like that, don't we? 376 00:21:26,833 --> 00:21:30,273 And you're struggling to open a bottle of champagne. 377 00:21:31,433 --> 00:21:34,373 And then it pops and a big balloon comes out for the bubble 378 00:21:35,633 --> 00:21:38,173 and the graphic on the balloon says, "The Vivienne Vyle Show". 379 00:21:39,733 --> 00:21:43,633 And you're holding on to the balloony string 380 00:21:45,067 --> 00:21:48,667 and you're being drifted up and you're pulling like a surprised-ish, 381 00:21:49,200 --> 00:21:51,300 pleased-ish face. 382 00:21:55,067 --> 00:21:59,197 I will never... make that face. 383 00:22:03,933 --> 00:22:05,633 You're fired. 384 00:22:07,133 --> 00:22:09,673 Okay, please yourselves. 385 00:22:10,800 --> 00:22:13,630 Come on, Josh. We'll give it to Jan Leeming. Come on. 386 00:22:16,933 --> 00:22:18,203 -Get Miriam. -Miriam? 387 00:22:19,133 --> 00:22:20,503 -Miriam Schultzman. -Miriam Schultzman? 388 00:22:21,367 --> 00:22:23,127 Is that an olive I've popped in my mouth? 389 00:22:24,367 --> 00:22:27,767 I don't know, I'll have to ask him. Jared, is that an olive? 390 00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:29,500 -Yes. -Is it an olive I popped in my mouth? 391 00:22:30,333 --> 00:22:32,203 -Yes, it is. -Well, it was delicious. 392 00:22:33,700 --> 00:22:36,530 I'll have another one if there's one going but don't put yourself out. 393 00:22:37,233 --> 00:22:39,203 So how is it with you and Viv? 394 00:22:40,433 --> 00:22:42,333 So you're married but are you still gay? What's the story? 395 00:22:43,800 --> 00:22:44,730 You're talking to a man who had his cock removed. Come on, open up. 396 00:22:45,967 --> 00:22:48,367 Me and Ruth popped it in a box and floated it down the Ganges. 397 00:22:49,533 --> 00:22:50,533 They'll do nothing for your cock in the Jewish faith. 398 00:22:51,667 --> 00:22:54,167 -Your foreskin, yes. Your cock, nothing. -Miriam. 399 00:22:54,833 --> 00:22:56,673 -There she is! -At last. 400 00:22:57,367 --> 00:22:59,467 Is it you or is it Aphrodite? 401 00:23:00,333 --> 00:23:02,433 It's Aphrodite, if I'm not mistaken. 402 00:23:03,267 --> 00:23:04,567 -Darling, how are you? -Very well. 403 00:23:06,033 --> 00:23:08,433 The cab cost me 50 quid. Where are you living now the cab cost me 50 quid? 404 00:23:09,133 --> 00:23:10,333 Jared, I gave you the receipt? 405 00:23:11,033 --> 00:23:12,273 -Yes. -50 quid, Aphrodite. 406 00:23:13,600 --> 00:23:14,700 Sorted my darling. You sit down and I'll be with you in a minute. 407 00:23:16,067 --> 00:23:17,997 Before you ask me about Ruth, let me tell you. She's wonderful. 408 00:23:19,600 --> 00:23:22,230 She's like her mother. She's ballooned, she's always ill but she's ballooned. 409 00:23:23,133 --> 00:23:25,033 -Look, darling, I love Mervyn. -Miriam. 410 00:23:26,367 --> 00:23:29,227 Miriam, darling. Obviously, I love Miriam. But he's a freak. 411 00:23:30,733 --> 00:23:32,503 ...the pins come out of her hips, she's on the floor like a jellyfish. 412 00:23:33,800 --> 00:23:35,330 I love his clients, I love Joan, Esther, every one he represents. 413 00:23:37,000 --> 00:23:39,430 I love everyone he represents but he's in a bit of a time zone and he is a freak! 414 00:23:40,567 --> 00:23:42,067 -For God's sake, Jared. -Did I tell you she's ballooned? 415 00:23:43,433 --> 00:23:46,603 So what are they doing? What's this Rosie Millar doing at Bluebottle? 416 00:23:47,267 --> 00:23:48,467 Whatever it is, it's not me. 417 00:23:49,433 --> 00:23:50,633 That's because you don't know who you are. 418 00:23:51,833 --> 00:23:54,303 I mean that might be you but it's not her and she isn't you. 419 00:23:55,433 --> 00:23:56,633 Who are we talking about here? You getting my drift? 420 00:23:57,500 --> 00:23:59,600 Miriam, I just want you to take control. 421 00:24:05,733 --> 00:24:08,533 Let's face it, you're inviting us to visit the asylum. 422 00:24:09,100 --> 00:24:10,530 To have a good laugh. 423 00:24:11,367 --> 00:24:12,367 You're saying, I think you should love 424 00:24:13,567 --> 00:24:16,367 your teenage, mutant, gay, midget, fat bastard daughter. 425 00:24:17,267 --> 00:24:18,467 I understand that's the kind of thing. 426 00:24:19,367 --> 00:24:21,097 These are the people of Vivienne Vyle. 427 00:24:22,233 --> 00:24:25,003 The Woolworths, the chat magazines, the KFC brigade. 428 00:24:26,000 --> 00:24:27,300 Walk around Woolworths, they know who you are. 429 00:24:28,200 --> 00:24:29,670 Walk around Harvey Nics, you're anonymous. 430 00:24:31,367 --> 00:24:33,797 That's what you want when you do your shopping but not when you're doing your show. 431 00:24:35,133 --> 00:24:36,433 -There's my cab. It's on account. -It's on account. 432 00:24:37,667 --> 00:24:39,997 Yes, call me a cab on account and I'll do you a strategy. 433 00:24:41,333 --> 00:24:44,033 Don't you worry about anything, darling. Just leave it all to me. 434 00:24:45,267 --> 00:24:48,667 -Remember, if it ain't broke, don't fix it. -Freak! 435 00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:54,573 And all I wanted to do was move you on from Iceland to Selfridges Food Hall. 436 00:24:55,800 --> 00:24:58,670 But if you want to languish there with the Kerry Kakatona 437 00:24:59,367 --> 00:25:02,597 and the Icelanders, be my guest. 438 00:25:03,900 --> 00:25:06,600 I like Miriam. She understands her. 439 00:25:07,333 --> 00:25:08,773 -Who, Miriam? -No, Vivienne. 440 00:25:09,467 --> 00:25:11,467 -Who? -Vivienne. 441 00:25:12,000 --> 00:25:14,000 -You. -No, her! 442 00:25:14,967 --> 00:25:19,497 It's far too complicated to explain. I am Viv. 443 00:25:20,367 --> 00:25:21,797 So, you're like the fucking Queen? 444 00:25:22,900 --> 00:25:24,430 Does she have a second birthday as well? 445 00:25:25,633 --> 00:25:28,273 I've known you far too long for me to say I don't know you, 446 00:25:29,367 --> 00:25:33,367 so do you trust my judgement? Babe, look at me. 447 00:25:34,200 --> 00:25:37,230 -Do you trust my judgement? -No. 448 00:25:38,233 --> 00:25:41,203 See... you've got this psychiatric disorder. 449 00:25:42,367 --> 00:25:44,197 -It's not just me that thinks so. Jonathan. -What? 450 00:25:45,533 --> 00:25:48,633 You say she's got... You, Vivienne, have got delusions of grandeur. 451 00:25:49,767 --> 00:25:52,027 Oh, no. No. I didn't know we were talking about Viv. 452 00:25:52,933 --> 00:25:54,673 I know what I am going to do about me. 453 00:25:55,767 --> 00:25:58,167 Right, yeah. You know, just like you did yesterday. 454 00:25:59,367 --> 00:26:01,997 "Hello, I'm Vivienne Vyle. I'm going to my audience now. 455 00:26:03,333 --> 00:26:06,473 -"My audience that love me. Hello." -Don't you fucking dare! 456 00:26:07,800 --> 00:26:09,030 -Don't you fucking dare do that! -Hello! Oh, I'm backing away now. 457 00:26:10,033 --> 00:26:11,803 Which Vivienne is this that's talking to me? 458 00:26:12,867 --> 00:26:15,367 Is it the one that I've built up and made? 459 00:26:16,500 --> 00:26:18,270 It was just me! Do you know who Vivienne Vyle is? 460 00:26:19,133 --> 00:26:21,573 I am fucking Vivienne Vyle! It's me. 461 00:26:22,700 --> 00:26:24,270 It's just this skin, this hair, this body, this person. 462 00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:26,530 -It's all me! -La-la-la-la! 463 00:26:30,033 --> 00:26:31,433 So I will control where I'm going. 464 00:26:36,600 --> 00:26:40,670 -Where are we now? -This is Slough, darling. 465 00:26:41,333 --> 00:26:42,703 Are these darkened windows? 466 00:26:43,667 --> 00:26:45,497 No, darling that's just the way Slough looks. 467 00:26:46,600 --> 00:26:49,530 Oh, my God. Oh, my God, it's like Eastern Europe. 468 00:26:50,200 --> 00:26:52,230 -Shh! -What? Oh, Oleck. 469 00:26:52,667 --> 00:26:54,067 He doesn't mind. 470 00:26:54,867 --> 00:26:56,397 -He knows what I mean. -Hideous. 471 00:26:56,700 --> 00:26:58,200 Christ. 472 00:26:59,067 --> 00:27:00,527 -So where is Viv? -Can't really say. 473 00:27:05,367 --> 00:27:07,567 If you don't tell me, I'll fire you. 474 00:27:08,600 --> 00:27:11,130 -She's doing a personal appearance. -Where? 475 00:27:11,800 --> 00:27:13,070 -At a Makro. -What's a Makro? 476 00:27:13,967 --> 00:27:15,167 -It's like a Costco. -What's a Costco? 477 00:27:16,267 --> 00:27:17,627 -Like a cash and carry. -What's a cash-and-carry? 478 00:27:18,533 --> 00:27:20,273 -Like a shop. A supermarket. -A sup... 479 00:27:21,833 --> 00:27:24,273 A supermarket?! 480 00:27:24,833 --> 00:27:27,273 My God, that's weird. 481 00:27:27,833 --> 00:27:29,233 They'll eat her alive. 482 00:27:30,033 --> 00:27:31,433 Why am I doing it? Why, why, why? 483 00:27:32,800 --> 00:27:33,400 Yes, I bet you wish you were holding the string of that balloon 484 00:27:34,433 --> 00:27:35,773 -and making that face now, darling. -Yes. 485 00:27:38,667 --> 00:27:40,127 Oh, my God. 486 00:27:41,200 --> 00:27:42,330 VIVIENNE: Miriam had better be right about this. 487 00:27:43,367 --> 00:27:45,627 Remember, these are my people and I love them. 488 00:27:46,033 --> 00:27:47,533 Shit, shit. 489 00:27:48,033 --> 00:27:49,533 Oh, Christ, Jared. 490 00:27:49,933 --> 00:27:51,303 Here we go. 491 00:27:54,467 --> 00:27:56,497 (CROWD SHOUTING) 492 00:27:57,500 --> 00:27:59,700 Don't touch the coat! Don't touch the coat! 493 00:28:00,367 --> 00:28:03,397 I watch all your programmes. 494 00:28:04,500 --> 00:28:06,500 Send in a search party if I'm not out in two days. 495 00:28:08,000 --> 00:28:10,000 I need a drink. 496 00:28:12,100 --> 00:28:13,530 It's body temperature. It's probably piss. 497 00:28:14,433 --> 00:28:16,003 That's what Vivienne loves, darling. 498 00:28:19,567 --> 00:28:22,097 -Oi, Viv, sign my baby's T-shirt. -No, fuck off. 499 00:28:25,233 --> 00:28:27,733 Did you hear what she said? Straight from the heart. 500 00:28:28,733 --> 00:28:30,573 I love you, Viv, I love you! 501 00:28:31,833 --> 00:28:34,173 Thank you. I love you. I love you. 502 00:28:42,267 --> 00:28:44,267 Incest. Have you ever slept with a sibling? 503 00:28:45,167 --> 00:28:46,027 Are you in love with a blood relative? 504 00:28:46,967 --> 00:28:47,767 Do you want to marry your brother or sister? 505 00:28:48,800 --> 00:28:49,600 Right or wrong, we're not here to judge 506 00:28:50,433 --> 00:28:51,603 but how close is safe? You tell us. 507 00:28:53,233 --> 00:28:56,033 The Vivienne Vyle Show's doing a week-long special getting into the family way. 508 00:28:56,967 --> 00:28:58,427 Contact us. We'd love to hear from you. 42521

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