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1
00:00:09,767 --> 00:00:11,227
- HEY.
2
00:00:11,267 --> 00:00:13,527
WELCOME TO IMPORTANT THINGS.
MY NAME IS DEMETRI MARTIN.
3
00:00:13,567 --> 00:00:16,927
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING IS...
4
00:00:16,967 --> 00:00:20,727
ATTENTION!
YOU GOT A SURPRISE, PEOPLE.
5
00:00:20,767 --> 00:00:21,897
DOWN HERE.
6
00:00:21,933 --> 00:00:24,103
TA-DA.
7
00:00:24,133 --> 00:00:26,233
PEOPLE DO ALL KINDS OF THINGS
FOR ATTENTION,
8
00:00:26,267 --> 00:00:27,467
LIKE THEY'LL GET
A CRAZY HAIRCUT.
9
00:00:27,500 --> 00:00:29,800
"OH, EVERYBODY, LOOK AT ME.
LOOK AT MY HAIR."
10
00:00:29,833 --> 00:00:31,033
"OH, MY GOD.
LOOK AT HIS HAIR.
11
00:00:31,067 --> 00:00:32,297
OH, HE PLAYS GUITAR TOO!"
12
00:00:32,333 --> 00:00:34,303
THEY SHOULD BE PAYING ATTENTION
TO OTHER THINGS,
13
00:00:34,333 --> 00:00:35,873
LIKE A METEOR.
14
00:00:35,900 --> 00:00:37,700
"AAH! WE'RE ON FIRE!
15
00:00:37,733 --> 00:00:39,473
WHY WERE WE LOOKING
AT HIS HAIR?"
16
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:42,700
ME, I GOT A TV SHOW
'CAUSE I NEED ATTENTION.
17
00:00:42,733 --> 00:00:44,033
[sighs]
GO.
18
00:00:44,067 --> 00:00:47,027
[upbeat rock music]
19
00:00:47,067 --> 00:00:55,067
*
20
00:00:58,967 --> 00:01:02,197
[cheers and applause]
21
00:01:02,233 --> 00:01:04,973
THANK YOU.
22
00:01:05,067 --> 00:01:07,767
THANK YOU, AUDIENCE.
THANKS.
23
00:01:07,800 --> 00:01:08,800
WELCOME.
24
00:01:08,833 --> 00:01:11,533
THANK YOU.
25
00:01:11,567 --> 00:01:14,627
TONIGHT'S IMPORTANT THING
IS ATTENTION.
26
00:01:14,667 --> 00:01:16,427
OKAY, THAT'S
A VERY IMPORTANT THING--
27
00:01:16,467 --> 00:01:18,167
A LOT OF WAYS
TO COME AT THIS THING.
28
00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:21,070
LET'S SEE.
WE COULD...
29
00:01:21,067 --> 00:01:22,127
DO FIREWORKS,
30
00:01:22,167 --> 00:01:24,967
THE OPPOSITE
OF FIREWORKS...
31
00:01:25,067 --> 00:01:26,327
[laughter]
32
00:01:26,367 --> 00:01:27,967
I GUESS THAT WOULD BE
JUST UNEXPLODING THEM.
33
00:01:28,067 --> 00:01:29,097
THAT'S GONNA BE HARD.
34
00:01:29,133 --> 00:01:30,603
I'M NOT SURE
HOW TO DO THAT.
35
00:01:30,633 --> 00:01:32,973
OR JOKES.
36
00:01:33,067 --> 00:01:36,097
HMM.
37
00:01:36,133 --> 00:01:38,573
ALL RIGHT.
UH, JOKES.
38
00:01:38,600 --> 00:01:41,270
IF YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE GETTING
PEOPLE TO PAY ATTENTION TO YOU
39
00:01:41,300 --> 00:01:43,400
IN A CONVERSATION,
JUST COUNT DOWN
40
00:01:43,433 --> 00:01:45,903
BEFORE THE THING
YOU'RE GONNA SAY.
41
00:01:45,933 --> 00:01:50,803
"FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE,
WE SHOULD GET ITALIAN FOOD."
42
00:01:50,833 --> 00:01:53,703
[laughter and applause]
43
00:01:53,733 --> 00:01:57,233
"WOW.
44
00:01:57,267 --> 00:01:59,897
"WOW, MARK,
THAT IDEA REALLY TOOK OFF.
45
00:02:00,067 --> 00:02:01,267
"I GUESS WE'RE GONNA...
46
00:02:01,300 --> 00:02:02,430
GET ITALIAN FOOD, OKAY."
47
00:02:02,467 --> 00:02:06,827
SOMETIMES
I'LL BE READING A BOOK,
48
00:02:06,867 --> 00:02:10,627
AND THE FIRST LETTER
OF THE CHAPTER IS REALLY BIG.
49
00:02:10,667 --> 00:02:13,567
AND THEN THEY GET SMALL
RIGHT AWAY.
50
00:02:13,600 --> 00:02:15,400
IT'S LIKE THERE WAS A GUY
PRINTING THE BOOK,
51
00:02:15,433 --> 00:02:17,833
AND HE WAS LIKE,
"AH, I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK.
52
00:02:17,867 --> 00:02:18,927
I'M GONNA MAKE A HUGE BOOK."
53
00:02:18,967 --> 00:02:20,827
AND THEN A GUY RAN IN
AND WAS LIKE,
54
00:02:20,867 --> 00:02:22,667
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
55
00:02:22,700 --> 00:02:24,100
"THAT FONT SIZE
IS WAY TOO BIG.
56
00:02:24,133 --> 00:02:26,303
"WE CAN'T MAKE A BOOK THIS BIG.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
57
00:02:26,333 --> 00:02:29,103
TAKE IT DOWN, MAN.
TAKE IT DOWN."
58
00:02:29,133 --> 00:02:30,403
HE WAS LIKE, "ALL RIGHT."
59
00:02:30,433 --> 00:02:32,673
AND THEN IT'S JUST,
LIKE, SMALL WORDS.
60
00:02:32,700 --> 00:02:34,400
THEN HE GETS
TO THE NEXT CHAPTER,
61
00:02:34,433 --> 00:02:37,073
AND HE'S LIKE...
62
00:02:37,067 --> 00:02:39,527
"I'M GONNA MAKE
A BIG BOOK."
63
00:02:39,567 --> 00:02:40,797
AND THE GUY'S LIKE--COMES IN,
"WHAT ARE YOU DOING, MAN?
64
00:02:40,833 --> 00:02:43,233
I TOLD YOU."
65
00:02:43,267 --> 00:02:45,267
AND THE GUY KEEPS COMING IN,
LIKE, ONE LETTER TOO LATE.
66
00:02:45,300 --> 00:02:46,600
HE'S LIKE, "DAMN IT."
67
00:02:46,633 --> 00:02:49,603
SOMETIMES IF I NEED
TO GET SOMEONE'S ATTENTION,
68
00:02:49,633 --> 00:02:51,133
I'LL START A SENTENCE
WITH, LIKE, YOU KNOW,
69
00:02:51,167 --> 00:02:53,797
I'LL SAY,
"LOOK, I CAN'T GO."
70
00:02:53,833 --> 00:02:55,333
YOU KNOW?
71
00:02:55,367 --> 00:02:56,967
IF I REALLY NEED
THEIR ATTENTION, I'LL SAY,
72
00:02:57,067 --> 00:02:58,297
"LISTEN,
73
00:02:58,333 --> 00:03:01,203
I'M BEING SERIOUS."
74
00:03:01,233 --> 00:03:03,673
AND IF I REALLY, REALLY NEED
THEIR ATTENTION,
75
00:03:03,700 --> 00:03:06,630
I'LL SAY SOMETHING LIKE,
"SMELL...
76
00:03:06,667 --> 00:03:09,467
[laughter]
77
00:03:09,500 --> 00:03:12,730
"I HAVE TO GO HOME.
78
00:03:12,767 --> 00:03:17,227
THAT SMELL IS ME.
I'VE HAD A TERRIBLE ACCIDENT."
79
00:03:17,267 --> 00:03:21,297
[mellow guitar music]
80
00:03:21,333 --> 00:03:25,973
* THIS IS A SEGUE
81
00:03:26,067 --> 00:03:27,767
* THIS IS A SEGUE
82
00:03:29,867 --> 00:03:32,067
- DETECTIVE STONE,
83
00:03:32,067 --> 00:03:34,367
I BELIEVE YOU'RE WORKING
OUT OF YOUR JURISDICTION.
84
00:03:34,400 --> 00:03:36,630
- I GOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE STASHED
TO PUT YOU AWAY
85
00:03:36,667 --> 00:03:37,667
FOR A LIFETIME.
86
00:03:37,700 --> 00:03:40,070
- I DON'T THINK SO.
87
00:03:40,067 --> 00:03:43,567
YOU'VE BEEN A THORN IN MY SIDE
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
88
00:03:43,600 --> 00:03:46,070
- AND THE HEDGES
ARE ABOUT TO GET TRIMMED, BABY.
89
00:03:46,067 --> 00:03:47,227
SNIP, SNIP.
90
00:03:53,467 --> 00:03:57,567
- YOUR HEROICS COST ME
$20 MILLION--
91
00:03:57,600 --> 00:04:00,270
THE PRICE OF A ONE-WAY TICKET
TO HELL.
92
00:04:00,300 --> 00:04:02,270
- YOU SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT
A ROUND-TRIP TICKET.
93
00:04:02,300 --> 00:04:04,500
BUT THAT WOULD COST
ANOTHER $20 MILLION--
94
00:04:04,533 --> 00:04:07,073
TOO EXPENSIVE.
95
00:04:10,167 --> 00:04:12,567
- EXCUSE ME.
- WHAT?
96
00:04:20,367 --> 00:04:21,767
- WHAT'S UP?
97
00:04:21,800 --> 00:04:23,300
- YOU'RE A HENCHMAN.
98
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:24,903
YOU'RE SUPPOSED
TO STAND AROUND THE PLACE
99
00:04:24,933 --> 00:04:26,273
AND LOOK...
100
00:04:26,300 --> 00:04:27,670
THREATENING!
101
00:04:27,700 --> 00:04:29,270
AND NOT TALK.
102
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,070
- YOU DON'T LIKE MY ONE-LINERS?
- NO, I DON'T.
103
00:04:31,067 --> 00:04:32,827
I'M THE ONE THAT TALKS.
YOU SHUT UP.
104
00:04:32,867 --> 00:04:34,067
THAT'S HOW THIS WORKS.
105
00:04:34,100 --> 00:04:35,100
- OKAY,
I WAS JUST TRYING TO HELP.
106
00:04:35,133 --> 00:04:36,573
- WELL,
I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP.
107
00:04:36,600 --> 00:04:39,070
SO KNOCK IT OFF, OR I'LL SHOVE
A RIFLE DOWN YOUR THROAT.
108
00:04:39,067 --> 00:04:42,067
- GOT IT.
109
00:04:42,100 --> 00:04:43,570
NO ONE-LINERS.
110
00:04:43,600 --> 00:04:46,700
- I'M DISAPPOINTED IN YOU,
DETECTIVE STONE.
111
00:04:46,733 --> 00:04:48,773
I THOUGHT
YOU WERE SMARTER THAN THIS.
112
00:04:48,800 --> 00:04:50,270
- THOUGHT YOU COULD BE
THE HERO,
113
00:04:50,300 --> 00:04:54,130
BUT YOU COULDN'T EVEN SAVE
YOURSELF.
114
00:04:56,333 --> 00:04:58,733
- IT'S TIME
FOR THIS GAME TO END.
115
00:04:58,767 --> 00:05:01,497
IT'S TIME
FOR YOU TO DIE.
116
00:05:01,533 --> 00:05:05,433
- 11:30--
THAT'S DYING TIME.
117
00:05:07,133 --> 00:05:08,533
- WHAT?
118
00:05:08,567 --> 00:05:10,797
I DIDN'T DO ANY ONE-LINERS.
I WAS STATING THE OBVIOUS.
119
00:05:10,833 --> 00:05:13,073
- LET ME MAKE THIS SIMPLE
FOR YOU.
120
00:05:13,100 --> 00:05:16,070
YOU TALK, I KILL YOU.
121
00:05:16,067 --> 00:05:18,297
- OKAY.
122
00:05:18,333 --> 00:05:19,633
UNDERSTOOD.
123
00:05:25,467 --> 00:05:27,627
- SO IS THERE ANYTHING YOU WANT
TO SAY BEFORE I KILL YOU?
124
00:05:27,667 --> 00:05:29,127
- ONLY THIS.
125
00:05:29,167 --> 00:05:31,067
- DON'T TALK. HE DOESN'T LIKE IT
WHEN PEOPLE TALK.
126
00:05:31,067 --> 00:05:32,127
- ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT!
127
00:05:32,167 --> 00:05:33,597
- SEE.
128
00:05:35,300 --> 00:05:36,770
- [sighs]
129
00:05:36,800 --> 00:05:38,270
- I KNOW YOUR UNCLE WAS
A FRIEND OF MINE,
130
00:05:38,300 --> 00:05:40,130
BUT IF YOU DON'T SHUT UP,
TRUST ME,
131
00:05:40,167 --> 00:05:42,327
I WILL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF
WITH AN AX.
132
00:05:42,367 --> 00:05:45,067
- OKAY, HERE'S THE GOOD NEWS--
MESSAGE RECEIVED.
133
00:05:45,100 --> 00:05:46,970
- VINCENT, I CAN EXPLAIN.
134
00:05:47,067 --> 00:05:48,797
- THERE'S NO NEED.
135
00:05:48,833 --> 00:05:50,933
IT'S GONNA BE A SHAME
TO DESTROY
136
00:05:50,967 --> 00:05:53,227
A FACE AS BEAUTIFUL
AS YOURS.
137
00:05:53,267 --> 00:05:56,327
- OH, EXCUSE ME.
I KNOW, I KNOW.
138
00:05:56,367 --> 00:05:58,067
BUT I COULD DRAW A MUSTACHE
ON HER FACE,
139
00:05:58,067 --> 00:06:00,497
IT WON'T BE AS BEAUTIFUL, WON'T
BE AS MUCH OF A SHAME MAYBE.
140
00:06:00,533 --> 00:06:01,933
OKAY.
141
00:06:01,967 --> 00:06:04,297
I'VE GOT A SHARPIE.
142
00:06:05,967 --> 00:06:07,567
YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T WANT
TO RUIN A PRETTY FACE,
143
00:06:07,600 --> 00:06:08,930
SO I JUST THOUGHT
IF I PUT A MUSTACHE ON IT,
144
00:06:08,967 --> 00:06:10,067
IT'S LESS PRETTY.
THAT'S ALL IT WAS.
145
00:06:10,067 --> 00:06:11,127
I WAS JUST PITCHING
AN IDEA.
146
00:06:11,167 --> 00:06:12,397
I DID NOT MEAN
TO RUIN THE MOMENT
147
00:06:12,433 --> 00:06:14,833
OR THE MOMENTUM
OR ANYTHING, SO I'M SORRY,
148
00:06:14,867 --> 00:06:16,627
AND IT WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN.
149
00:06:16,667 --> 00:06:19,067
WE OKAY?
150
00:06:21,333 --> 00:06:23,773
- SO I GUESS NOW THE FUN
IS REALLY OVER.
151
00:06:23,800 --> 00:06:26,330
THE THREE OF YOU HAVE SCREWED ME
OVER FOR THE LAST TIME,
152
00:06:26,367 --> 00:06:28,327
AND I'M NOT A MAN
WHO LIKES TO BE SCREWED WITH.
153
00:06:28,367 --> 00:06:32,927
AND SO, MY FRIENDS,
I BID YOU A FOND ADIEU.
154
00:06:32,967 --> 00:06:36,867
- WAIT.
COULD WE HAVE AN A-DON'T?
155
00:06:36,900 --> 00:06:40,270
[all chuckling]
156
00:06:45,933 --> 00:06:48,903
[mellow acoustic guitar music]
157
00:06:48,933 --> 00:06:50,973
*
158
00:06:52,300 --> 00:06:55,070
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT SOME DATA.
159
00:06:55,100 --> 00:06:56,300
THERE WE GO.
160
00:06:56,333 --> 00:06:59,373
NOW I THINK SIGNS
WOULD BE MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE
161
00:06:59,400 --> 00:07:00,670
AT GETTING PEOPLE'S ATTENTION
162
00:07:00,700 --> 00:07:02,200
IF THEY ADDED
A LITTLE SOMETHING TO THEM.
163
00:07:02,233 --> 00:07:05,273
LIKE, SAY, STOP,
IF IT WAS LIKE, "PSSST...STOP."
164
00:07:05,300 --> 00:07:06,570
[laughter]
165
00:07:06,600 --> 00:07:08,070
LIKE, "OH, MY GOD,
YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.
166
00:07:08,067 --> 00:07:09,067
"YOU'RE, LIKE,
WHISPERING THIS TO ME.
167
00:07:09,100 --> 00:07:10,300
"IT'S VERY INTIMATE.
168
00:07:10,333 --> 00:07:11,573
I SHOULD SLOW DOWN.
I SHOULD STOP RIGHT HERE."
169
00:07:11,600 --> 00:07:13,100
OR YIELD.
170
00:07:13,133 --> 00:07:15,973
IF IT WAS LIKE,
"FREE BEER!!! YIELD."
171
00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,703
KEEP OFF GRASS.
172
00:07:19,733 --> 00:07:21,503
"BOOBS.
KEEP OFF GRASS."
173
00:07:21,533 --> 00:07:23,403
[laughter]
174
00:07:23,433 --> 00:07:24,873
THAT ONE'S REALLY GOOD,
'CAUSE IT ALSO MEANS,
175
00:07:24,900 --> 00:07:26,730
LIKE, DON'T RUB YOUR BOOBS
IN THE GRASS.
176
00:07:26,767 --> 00:07:29,067
[laughter]
177
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:30,800
YOU DON'T WANT BOOB MARKS
ON THE GRASS.
178
00:07:30,833 --> 00:07:32,673
YOU'RE GONNA RIP UP
THE TURF,
179
00:07:32,700 --> 00:07:34,300
ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE COLD.
180
00:07:34,333 --> 00:07:37,673
[laughter]
181
00:07:37,700 --> 00:07:40,900
OKAY, THIS IS HOW INTERESTED
YOU ARE IN YOUR KIDS.
182
00:07:40,933 --> 00:07:44,073
AND THIS IS HOW INTERESTED
I AM IN YOUR KIDS.
183
00:07:44,067 --> 00:07:48,167
[laughter]
184
00:07:48,200 --> 00:07:49,300
THANKS.
185
00:07:49,333 --> 00:07:52,273
ALL RIGHT, NEXT.
186
00:07:52,300 --> 00:07:53,600
GRILLED CHEESE.
187
00:07:53,633 --> 00:07:55,503
NOW, I NOTICED
THAT NOBODY EVER REALLY TALKS
188
00:07:55,533 --> 00:07:57,603
ABOUT A GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
UNLESS THEY WANT ONE.
189
00:07:57,633 --> 00:07:59,133
[laughter]
190
00:07:59,167 --> 00:08:01,567
THIS IS PEOPLE WHO WANT
GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES,
191
00:08:01,600 --> 00:08:04,900
AND THIS IS TALK ABOUT.
192
00:08:04,933 --> 00:08:06,233
YOU DON'T REALLY HEAR PEOPLE
BEING LIKE,
193
00:08:06,267 --> 00:08:08,397
"OH, MAN, YOU REMEMBER
THAT GRILLED CHEESE
194
00:08:08,433 --> 00:08:11,173
"IN THE SUMMER OF 2004?
195
00:08:11,200 --> 00:08:14,730
OH, YEAH, THE SUMMER
OF GRILLED CHEESE."
196
00:08:14,767 --> 00:08:16,527
THAT'S THE INTERESTING AREA
RIGHT HERE.
197
00:08:16,567 --> 00:08:19,367
THIS IS THAT PART BLOWN UP.
198
00:08:19,400 --> 00:08:22,500
THAT'S PEOPLE WHO TALK
ABOUT GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICHES
199
00:08:22,533 --> 00:08:24,103
BUT DON'T WANT ONE.
200
00:08:24,133 --> 00:08:25,303
IT'S VERY RARE.
201
00:08:25,333 --> 00:08:28,733
WHAT'S REALLY INTERESTING
IS RIGHT NOW,
202
00:08:28,767 --> 00:08:30,197
I'M ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.
203
00:08:34,500 --> 00:08:37,470
[funky jazz music]
204
00:08:37,500 --> 00:08:45,500
*
205
00:09:01,633 --> 00:09:03,773
- HERE'S SOMETHING YOU CAN DO
FOR ATTENTION.
206
00:09:03,800 --> 00:09:06,070
OUCH, OUCH.
OH, OW, OW.
207
00:09:06,100 --> 00:09:08,870
- * SOMETIMES
YOU NEED A SMILE *
208
00:09:08,900 --> 00:09:11,570
* A CANINE FRIEND
CAN MAKE YOU SMILE *
209
00:09:13,133 --> 00:09:16,933
* BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
210
00:09:19,933 --> 00:09:22,403
- YES.
211
00:09:22,433 --> 00:09:25,603
I UNDERSTAND.
212
00:09:25,633 --> 00:09:28,103
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
213
00:09:28,133 --> 00:09:31,233
- WHAT HAPPENED?
214
00:09:31,267 --> 00:09:34,067
- [sighs]
THAT WAS AUNT SUE.
215
00:09:34,100 --> 00:09:35,600
NANA JUST PASSED.
216
00:09:35,633 --> 00:09:36,973
- I'M SO SORRY.
217
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:38,367
[Bruce barks]
218
00:09:41,067 --> 00:09:45,067
NOT NOW, BRUCE.
219
00:09:45,067 --> 00:09:46,527
- HE'S DRESSED
JUST LIKE HER.
220
00:09:49,800 --> 00:09:53,470
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
221
00:10:01,867 --> 00:10:05,427
- YOU'RE DRINKING AGAIN?
222
00:10:05,467 --> 00:10:09,427
- WE'RE GONNA LOSE THE HOUSE.
223
00:10:09,467 --> 00:10:11,627
- WELL, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME
TO DO, TAKE ANOTHER JOB?
224
00:10:11,667 --> 00:10:13,297
- NO.
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
225
00:10:13,333 --> 00:10:15,173
I-I JUST DON'T KNOW
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.
226
00:10:15,200 --> 00:10:18,770
WE DON'T HAVE
ANY OTHER OPTIONS.
227
00:10:18,800 --> 00:10:21,870
- MAYBE WE CAN'T AFFORD
TO HAVE THIS BABY.
228
00:10:21,900 --> 00:10:25,100
[Bruce barks]
229
00:10:25,133 --> 00:10:27,303
NOT NOW, BRUCE.
- GOD DAMN IT, BRUCE!
230
00:10:28,633 --> 00:10:32,803
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
231
00:10:32,833 --> 00:10:33,903
- BRUCE.
232
00:10:36,833 --> 00:10:37,873
HEY.
233
00:10:37,900 --> 00:10:40,030
CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MINUTE?
234
00:10:43,800 --> 00:10:46,370
BRUCE...
235
00:10:46,400 --> 00:10:49,400
I KNOW I WAS
A LITTLE HARD ON YOU BEFORE.
236
00:10:49,433 --> 00:10:51,433
I WANTED TO APOLOGIZE.
237
00:10:51,467 --> 00:10:53,367
BUT LISTEN.
238
00:10:53,400 --> 00:10:54,900
THERE'S A RIGHT TIME
TO JOKE AROUND
239
00:10:54,933 --> 00:10:56,273
AND A WRONG TIME
TO JOKE AROUND.
240
00:10:56,300 --> 00:11:00,270
AM I MAKING ANY SENSE?
241
00:11:00,300 --> 00:11:02,600
BRUCE, THAT'S WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
242
00:11:02,633 --> 00:11:05,603
COME ON.
243
00:11:05,633 --> 00:11:06,873
YOU GOTTA TURN IT OFF.
244
00:11:06,900 --> 00:11:08,470
YOU'RE KIDDING ME, RIGHT?
245
00:11:08,500 --> 00:11:10,130
YOU'RE KIDDING RIGHT NOW.
246
00:11:10,167 --> 00:11:13,067
BRUCE, LET ME EXPLAIN IT
THIS WAY.
247
00:11:13,067 --> 00:11:16,067
COME ON!
ARE YOU BEING SERIOUS?
248
00:11:16,067 --> 00:11:17,697
YOU THINK THAT'S FUNNY?
249
00:11:17,733 --> 00:11:20,103
YOU'RE GONNA DEADPAN ME?
250
00:11:20,133 --> 00:11:21,973
I'M NOT YOUR AUDIENCE.
251
00:11:22,067 --> 00:11:23,867
HA HA HA HA.
252
00:11:23,900 --> 00:11:25,930
BRUCE IS A CONSTRUCTION WORKER.
253
00:11:25,967 --> 00:11:28,097
THIS IS EXACTLY
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
254
00:11:28,133 --> 00:11:30,433
I'M TRYING TO TALK TO YOU
ABOUT THE VERY THING
255
00:11:30,467 --> 00:11:33,397
THAT'S THE PROBLEM,
AND YOU'RE DOING IT.
256
00:11:33,433 --> 00:11:34,533
JESUS, BRUCE.
257
00:11:34,567 --> 00:11:36,567
I MEAN,
THAT'S JUST OFFENSIVE.
258
00:11:36,600 --> 00:11:37,870
DO YOU SEE ANYBODY LAUGHING?
259
00:11:37,900 --> 00:11:39,430
I DON'T HEAR
ANY LAUGHTER.
260
00:11:39,467 --> 00:11:41,227
I DON'T EVEN KNOW
WHAT THIS JOKE IS.
261
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,927
WHAT'S YOUR CONCEPT?
262
00:11:42,967 --> 00:11:44,967
SOCCER CLOWN KING?
263
00:11:45,067 --> 00:11:47,167
YOU'RE THE SOCCER CLOWN KING?
264
00:11:47,200 --> 00:11:49,600
HEY, EVERYBODY,
THE SOCCER CLOWN KING'S HERE.
265
00:11:49,633 --> 00:11:51,933
WE'RE GONNA TALK
ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.
266
00:11:51,967 --> 00:11:53,067
TAKE IT OFF.
267
00:11:53,067 --> 00:11:55,867
THANK YOU. NOW...
GOD DAMN IT!
268
00:11:55,900 --> 00:11:57,630
OKAY, FINE, YOU KNOW WHAT?
269
00:11:57,667 --> 00:11:59,767
ALIENATE EVERYBODY, BRUCE.
270
00:11:59,800 --> 00:12:01,470
GOOD LUCK.
BYE!
271
00:12:02,967 --> 00:12:06,597
- * BRUCE THE FUNNY DOG
272
00:12:06,633 --> 00:12:09,503
[cheers and applause]
273
00:12:09,533 --> 00:12:11,373
- * THIS IS A SKETCH
274
00:12:11,400 --> 00:12:12,370
- * YES, IT IS
275
00:12:12,400 --> 00:12:14,270
- * THIS IS A SKETCH
276
00:12:14,300 --> 00:12:15,500
- * THAT'S RIGHT
277
00:12:15,533 --> 00:12:16,803
- * THIS IS A SKETCH
278
00:12:16,833 --> 00:12:18,073
- * SKETCH IT UP
279
00:12:18,100 --> 00:12:19,300
- * IT'S A SKETCH
- * SKETCH
280
00:12:19,333 --> 00:12:20,673
[cheers and applause]
281
00:12:20,700 --> 00:12:23,470
- I'M VERY EXCITED
ABOUT MY GUEST TONIGHT.
282
00:12:23,500 --> 00:12:25,570
UM, HE IS A MAN WHO--
283
00:12:25,600 --> 00:12:28,300
YOU LIKE TO GET WOMEN'S
ATTENTION, I UNDERSTAND.
284
00:12:28,333 --> 00:12:29,973
- YEAH.
- AND HOW DO YOU DO THAT?
285
00:12:30,067 --> 00:12:32,567
- I USUALLY JUST YELL AT THEM
OUT OF MY CAR WINDOW.
286
00:12:32,600 --> 00:12:34,500
[laughter]
287
00:12:34,533 --> 00:12:35,833
- WHAT KINDS OF THINGS
DO YOU YELL?
288
00:12:35,867 --> 00:12:38,197
- UH, USUALLY, LIKE,
"NICE ASS"
289
00:12:38,233 --> 00:12:40,073
OR "WHERE ARE YOU HEADING?"
290
00:12:40,067 --> 00:12:41,167
OR, LIKE...
291
00:12:41,200 --> 00:12:44,100
[whistles and smooches]
292
00:12:44,133 --> 00:12:46,833
- AND WHAT ARE YOU--
WHAT ARE YOU AFTER?
293
00:12:46,867 --> 00:12:49,427
- I'M LOOKING
FOR A MEANINGFUL RELATIONSHIP--
294
00:12:49,467 --> 00:12:51,127
[laughter]
295
00:12:51,167 --> 00:12:52,327
THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE.
296
00:12:52,367 --> 00:12:53,827
- DOES YOUR CAR
HAVE TINTED WINDOWS?
297
00:12:53,867 --> 00:12:56,427
- YEAH. YEAH.
298
00:12:56,467 --> 00:12:59,067
REALLY DARK TINT.
299
00:12:59,067 --> 00:13:01,367
BUT I ROLL--I ROLL DOWN.
300
00:13:01,400 --> 00:13:04,070
- YOU ROLL THE WINDOW DOWN.
- YEAH, I'M NOT A CREEP.
301
00:13:04,067 --> 00:13:06,227
[laughter]
302
00:13:06,267 --> 00:13:08,297
- WHY IS ATTENTION IMPORTANT?
303
00:13:08,333 --> 00:13:09,673
- ATTENTION?
304
00:13:09,700 --> 00:13:12,670
ATTENTION--IF YOU GIVE
A LOT OF ATTENTION,
305
00:13:12,700 --> 00:13:16,070
YOU CAN UNDERSTAND
LOT OF THINGS,
306
00:13:16,067 --> 00:13:19,867
YOU CAN FIGURE OUT
LOT OF THINGS,
307
00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:23,330
AND IT HELPS YOU
TO GET AHEAD AGAIN.
308
00:13:29,200 --> 00:13:32,170
[quirky piano music]
309
00:13:32,200 --> 00:13:40,200
*
310
00:13:47,233 --> 00:13:49,433
- HOW YOU DOING?
311
00:13:52,400 --> 00:13:54,800
[balloon pops]
312
00:13:58,800 --> 00:14:01,870
[balloons popping]
313
00:14:14,433 --> 00:14:16,533
SHOULD HAVE BEEN AN APPLE.
314
00:14:16,567 --> 00:14:17,897
[cheers and applause]
315
00:14:17,933 --> 00:14:20,073
THERE ARE A LOT
OF WAYS TO GET ATTENTION THAT,
316
00:14:20,067 --> 00:14:21,927
DEPENDING ON HOW
AND WHEN YOU USE THEM,
317
00:14:21,967 --> 00:14:23,967
CAN BE GOOD, BAD,
OR INTERESTING.
318
00:14:24,067 --> 00:14:25,227
I'LL SHOW YOU
IN A SEGMENT CALLED
319
00:14:25,267 --> 00:14:27,627
"GOOD, BAD, INTERESTING."
320
00:14:27,667 --> 00:14:28,797
HERE WE GO.
321
00:14:28,833 --> 00:14:31,103
PROPOSING A TOAST.
322
00:14:31,133 --> 00:14:33,073
GOOD--
YOU'RE THE BEST MAN.
323
00:14:33,100 --> 00:14:36,400
BAD--YOU'RE THE BARTENDER
AT A WEDDING.
324
00:14:36,433 --> 00:14:38,403
[laughter]
325
00:14:38,433 --> 00:14:40,633
INTERESTING--
YOU'RE ABOUT TO GIVE A DOCTOR
326
00:14:40,667 --> 00:14:42,967
YOUR URINE SAMPLE.
327
00:14:43,067 --> 00:14:46,567
[laughter and applause]
328
00:14:49,067 --> 00:14:51,067
OKAY, PULLING A FIRE ALARM.
329
00:14:51,067 --> 00:14:55,267
GOOD--IN A FIRE.
330
00:14:55,300 --> 00:14:57,100
BAD--WHEN YOU'RE BORED.
331
00:14:57,133 --> 00:14:58,373
[laughter]
332
00:14:58,400 --> 00:15:00,600
INTERESTING--
TO WAKE UP YOUR GRANDMOTHER.
333
00:15:00,633 --> 00:15:04,333
[laughter]
334
00:15:04,367 --> 00:15:06,167
BEING NAKED.
335
00:15:06,200 --> 00:15:09,870
GOOD--YOU'RE A BABY.
336
00:15:09,900 --> 00:15:11,800
BAD--
YOU'RE DELIVERING A BABY.
337
00:15:11,833 --> 00:15:14,533
[laughter]
338
00:15:14,567 --> 00:15:15,697
INTERESTING--
339
00:15:15,733 --> 00:15:19,873
YOU'RE DELIVERING
A BABY RUTH.
340
00:15:19,900 --> 00:15:23,070
"HERE'S YOUR CANDY BAR.
341
00:15:23,067 --> 00:15:26,367
OOPS."
342
00:15:26,400 --> 00:15:28,970
PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING
AT YOU.
343
00:15:29,067 --> 00:15:32,627
GOOD--
YOU TOLD A JOKE.
344
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:35,067
BAD--
YOU READ A POEM.
345
00:15:35,067 --> 00:15:38,367
[laughter]
346
00:15:38,400 --> 00:15:42,200
INTERESTING--
YOU WOKE UP FROM A COMA.
347
00:15:42,233 --> 00:15:45,903
[laughter and applause]
348
00:15:50,100 --> 00:15:52,330
FLIRTING.
349
00:15:52,367 --> 00:15:55,197
GOOD--
TRYING TO GET A DATE.
350
00:15:55,233 --> 00:15:59,173
BAD--TRYING TO GET OUT
OF SEXUAL-HARASSMENT CHARGES.
351
00:15:59,200 --> 00:16:01,570
[laughter]
352
00:16:01,600 --> 00:16:05,430
[laughs]
353
00:16:05,467 --> 00:16:08,467
"COME ON, BABY.
IT WAS NOTHING."
354
00:16:10,633 --> 00:16:12,803
INTERESTING--
YOU'RE IN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR.
355
00:16:12,833 --> 00:16:14,633
[laughter]
356
00:16:14,667 --> 00:16:17,327
NOTHING TO LOSE.
357
00:16:19,567 --> 00:16:22,527
[slow acoustic guitar music]
358
00:16:22,567 --> 00:16:27,827
*
359
00:16:27,867 --> 00:16:30,427
- * I'VE BEEN TALKING
TO THIS GUY *
360
00:16:30,467 --> 00:16:31,927
* FOR A WHILE
361
00:16:31,967 --> 00:16:36,797
* AND I DON'T KNOW
HIS NAME *
362
00:16:36,833 --> 00:16:40,573
* I'VE MET HIM
SEVERAL TIMES BEFORE *
363
00:16:40,600 --> 00:16:43,430
* AND I COMPLETELY FORGOT
HIS NAME *
364
00:16:43,467 --> 00:16:45,067
* AGAIN
365
00:16:45,067 --> 00:16:47,267
* HE KNOWS MINE
366
00:16:47,300 --> 00:16:50,730
* HE KEEPS SAYING IT
IN THE CONVERSATION *
367
00:16:50,767 --> 00:16:51,867
* NO PROBLEM
368
00:16:51,900 --> 00:16:55,770
* JUST AVOID THE TOPIC
369
00:16:55,800 --> 00:16:56,970
* UH-OH
370
00:16:57,067 --> 00:16:58,897
* HERE COMES SOMEONE ELSE
I KNOW *
371
00:16:58,933 --> 00:17:00,303
* UH-OH
372
00:17:00,333 --> 00:17:04,073
* HEADED STRAIGHT
FOR THE CONVERSATION *
373
00:17:04,067 --> 00:17:06,927
* I'LL BE FORCED
TO INTRODUCE THESE TWO *
374
00:17:06,967 --> 00:17:08,467
* AND WHAT'S THIS GUY'S NAME?
375
00:17:08,500 --> 00:17:10,530
* I DON'T KNOW
HIS NAME EITHER *
376
00:17:10,567 --> 00:17:12,397
* OH, NO
377
00:17:12,433 --> 00:17:14,273
* WHAT AM I GONNA DO?
378
00:17:14,300 --> 00:17:21,570
*
379
00:17:40,433 --> 00:17:42,733
- HI, I'M DAN.
- HI. NATHAN.
380
00:17:42,767 --> 00:17:44,567
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
- GOOD TO MEET YOU.
381
00:18:19,800 --> 00:18:21,500
- IT'S A FLAG ENHANCER.
382
00:18:21,533 --> 00:18:23,073
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU HAVE A FLAG,
383
00:18:23,067 --> 00:18:25,067
BUT YOU WANT TO DRAW
MORE ATTENTION TO IT.
384
00:18:25,067 --> 00:18:26,927
JUST PUT THIS
ON THE END OF IT.
385
00:18:26,967 --> 00:18:28,697
OR YOU COULD PUT YOUR NAME
ON IT.
386
00:18:28,733 --> 00:18:30,703
THEN IT'S, LIKE,
AMERICA AND GARY.
387
00:18:30,733 --> 00:18:33,073
YOU JUST KIND OF PIGGYBACK
THE ATTENTION AMERICA'S GETTING.
388
00:18:33,067 --> 00:18:35,297
OR YOU COULD PUT
A BUNCH OF THEM TOGETHER.
389
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:37,403
AMERICA AND GARY RULES, YEAH!
390
00:18:37,433 --> 00:18:39,073
THESE ARE NEAR-HEAD FIREWORKS.
391
00:18:39,067 --> 00:18:40,667
IT'S FOR WHEN YOU'RE BALD,
392
00:18:40,700 --> 00:18:42,670
AND YOU WANT TO DRAW ATTENTION
AWAY FROM THAT.
393
00:18:42,700 --> 00:18:44,170
INSTEAD OF PUTTING
ON A TOUPEE,
394
00:18:44,200 --> 00:18:46,370
BECAUSE THAT LOOKS LAME,
YOU JUST USE THESE.
395
00:18:46,400 --> 00:18:48,300
IT'S A LITTLE JET
THAT'S IN YOUR SHIRT
396
00:18:48,333 --> 00:18:51,503
THAT SHOOTS TINY FIREWORKS OUT
THAT EXPLODE NEAR YOUR HEAD.
397
00:18:51,533 --> 00:18:53,073
NOW PEOPLE ARE LOOKING
AT THE FIREWORKS,
398
00:18:53,067 --> 00:18:54,667
NOT AT YOUR HEAD.
399
00:18:54,700 --> 00:18:57,670
YOU COULD ALSO GO WITH ANOTHER
OPTION, BUT THAT INVOLVES BEES.
400
00:18:57,700 --> 00:18:59,500
IT'S A LITTLE MORE DANGEROUS.
401
00:18:59,533 --> 00:19:01,233
EITHER WAY,
YOU LOOK INTERESTING.
402
00:19:01,267 --> 00:19:04,367
THIS NEXT THING IS GOOD
FOR A PARTY.
403
00:19:04,400 --> 00:19:05,900
SOMETIMES YOU'RE
IN A CONVERSATION,
404
00:19:05,933 --> 00:19:07,803
BUT YOU ALSO HAVE TO SEND
A TEXT MESSAGE TO SOMEONE.
405
00:19:07,833 --> 00:19:10,103
THEN THE PERSON YOU'RE TALKING
TO GETS ALL MAD,
406
00:19:10,133 --> 00:19:12,733
BECAUSE THEY THINK YOU'RE
NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THEM.
407
00:19:12,767 --> 00:19:14,127
THAT SUCKS.
408
00:19:14,167 --> 00:19:15,897
WELL, NOW THERE'S A SOLUTION.
409
00:19:15,933 --> 00:19:18,433
IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS
FOREHEAD TEXTER.
410
00:19:18,467 --> 00:19:21,567
IT PROJECTS YOUR TEXT
ONTO THE PERSON'S FACE.
411
00:19:21,600 --> 00:19:23,070
SO NOW YOU CAN KEEP UP
WITH YOUR TEXT MESSAGE
412
00:19:23,100 --> 00:19:25,070
AND THE CONVERSATION
YOU'RE IN AT THE SAME TIME.
413
00:19:25,067 --> 00:19:26,897
YOU LOOK REALLY ATTENTIVE,
414
00:19:26,933 --> 00:19:28,473
WHILE ALSO SENDING
A TEXT MESSAGE.
415
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,100
BUT BE CAREFUL.
416
00:19:30,133 --> 00:19:32,273
IF IT GOES TOO LOW,
IT COULD GET IN THE PERSON'S EYE
417
00:19:32,300 --> 00:19:34,800
AND THEN BURN THEIR EYE
OR SOMETHING.
418
00:19:34,833 --> 00:19:35,973
THE FOREHEAD TEXTER,
419
00:19:36,067 --> 00:19:37,897
ONLY FROM
IMPORTANT THINGS THINGS.
420
00:19:37,933 --> 00:19:39,903
YOU SHOULD BUY ONE.
421
00:19:39,933 --> 00:19:41,333
AND NOW A SELECTION
422
00:19:41,367 --> 00:19:43,497
FROM THE SHORT
ATTENTION SPAN LIBRARY.
423
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:44,833
[cheers and applause]
424
00:19:44,867 --> 00:19:46,227
I'D LIKE TO READ YOU
SOME STORIES
425
00:19:46,267 --> 00:19:48,827
FROM THE LITTLE BOOK
OF LITTLE STORIES.
426
00:19:48,867 --> 00:19:51,297
[laughter]
427
00:19:54,433 --> 00:19:57,403
"ONE AFTERNOON,
A POWERFUL WIZARD SAT DOWN
428
00:19:57,433 --> 00:19:59,733
"AFTER MIXING
HIS MOST POWERFUL POTION,
429
00:19:59,767 --> 00:20:02,967
AND HE REALIZED
THAT WIZARDS NEVER GET LAID."
430
00:20:03,000 --> 00:20:05,730
[laughter]
431
00:20:05,767 --> 00:20:07,327
"SO HE STARTED A BAND."
432
00:20:07,367 --> 00:20:10,567
[laughter]
433
00:20:10,600 --> 00:20:14,130
"ONCE UPON A TIME,
THERE WAS A MAGICAL GOOSE
434
00:20:14,167 --> 00:20:15,967
"WHO COULD LAY GOLDEN EGGS.
435
00:20:16,000 --> 00:20:18,370
"NOT KNOWING
THAT GOLDEN EGGS WERE VALUABLE,
436
00:20:18,400 --> 00:20:20,570
SHE WENT
AND HAD HER TUBES TIED."
437
00:20:20,600 --> 00:20:22,100
[laughter]
438
00:20:22,133 --> 00:20:25,173
"WHEN SHE FOUND OUT
THAT THE EGGS WERE VALUABLE,
439
00:20:25,200 --> 00:20:26,670
SHE WAS PISSED."
440
00:20:26,700 --> 00:20:29,300
[laughter]
441
00:20:29,333 --> 00:20:32,003
"THREE BEARS
WENT TO A MARKET.
442
00:20:32,033 --> 00:20:33,303
"WHILE THEY WERE GONE,
443
00:20:33,333 --> 00:20:35,333
"A LITTLE GIRL
WENT INTO THEIR HOUSE.
444
00:20:35,367 --> 00:20:38,567
"MEANWHILE, AT THE MARKET,
PEOPLE WERE FREAKING OUT
445
00:20:38,600 --> 00:20:40,430
BECAUSE THERE WERE
THREE BEARS THERE."
446
00:20:40,467 --> 00:20:43,467
[laughter]
447
00:20:43,500 --> 00:20:47,330
"THE BEARS
WERE SHOT AND KILLED."
448
00:20:47,367 --> 00:20:51,927
[laughter]
449
00:20:51,967 --> 00:20:53,627
"AFTER GOING THROUGH YEARS
OF LITIGATION
450
00:20:53,667 --> 00:20:55,067
"TO GET ROYALTIES DUE TO HIM,
451
00:20:55,100 --> 00:20:58,370
"THE GUY WHO COINED THE TERM
'HAPPILY EVER AFTER'
452
00:20:58,400 --> 00:21:00,930
LIVED REASONABLY WELL
FOR A WHILE."
453
00:21:00,967 --> 00:21:02,527
[laughter]
454
00:21:02,567 --> 00:21:05,127
THE END.
455
00:21:05,167 --> 00:21:06,897
[cheers and applause]
456
00:21:13,133 --> 00:21:15,133
- SEAT BELT.
457
00:21:17,467 --> 00:21:20,427
[groans]
COME ON. COME ON.
458
00:21:20,467 --> 00:21:22,267
GOTTA GET HOME.
459
00:21:22,300 --> 00:21:24,300
COME ON.
460
00:21:32,633 --> 00:21:35,103
SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.
461
00:21:35,133 --> 00:21:39,603
I SHOULD'VE BEEN AN APPLE.
462
00:21:39,633 --> 00:21:41,573
[horn honks]
31490
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