All language subtitles for Cupid s01e07_English

(mariachi band playing)
(Queens accent)
UH, YEAH, SO I'D LIKE TO--

I'D LIKE TO DEDICATE THIS SONG
TO MY--

I GUESS, AS OF 4 HOURS
AND 28 MINUTES AGO,

MY EX-BOYFRIEND.

KEEP IT SLOW, BOYS.

♪♪

♪ UPTOWN BOY ♪

WHISKEY NEAT
AND A MERLOT.

♪ LIVING IN HIS UPTOWN WORLD ♪

CAN'T YOU JUST SHOOT HER
WITH AN ARROW

AND MAKE HER ALL BETTER?
NO BOW, NO ARROW.
THOSE ARE THE RULES.

HMM.
I'M MAKING MATCHES
BY HAND NOW.

SEEMS LIKE MENIAL WORK
FOR A GOD, DOESN'T IT?
YOU'RE NOT A GOD.

YOU'RE MY TRUSTING BROTHER'S

RECENTLY RELEASED MENTAL HEALTH
PATIENT ROOMMATE AND EMPLOYEE.

AND THAT GIRL UP THERE...

♪ LIVING
IN HIS WHITE-BREAD WORLD ♪

SANTA CLAUS, EASTER BUNNY,
OPRAH SUPER TEAM

COULDN'T HELP THAT ONE.

♪ HOT BLOOD CAN ♪

♪ AND NOW HE'S LOOKING
FOR A DOWNTOWN MA'AM ♪

(sighs) YEP.

NOTHING SADDER THAN A WOMAN
WHO'S BEEN DUMPED.

YEAH. SHE WASN'T DUMPED.

SHE DUMPED ME.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
GET OVER THERE.

SHE OBVIOUSLY STILL LOVES YOU.

SHE'S WAITING FOR YOU TO WAKE UP
AND MAKE UP YOUR MI-I-IND.

NO, SHE KNOWS HOW I FEEL.

WOMEN NEED A GRAND DISPLAY,
BUDDY.

THEY WANT BOOM BOXES
AND PETER GABRIEL.

YOU GOTTA PROCLAIM
YOUR LOVE.

NOW?

NO. WAIT PATIENTLY
UNTIL SHE'S DONE

AND THEN MEANDER OVER
ALL POLITE AND PASSIONLESS.

THAT'LL GET HER.
SACK UP, SONNY BOY.

BE A MAN. GRAND DISPLAY.

(teeth clenched)
GO GET THAT GIRL.

GO!

♪ AND MAKES UP HIS MI-I-- ♪

DEBBIE!

(music stops)

LANCE?

DEBBIE, I LOVE YOU!

BUT IF YOU CAN TELL ME
RIGHT HERE AND RIGHT NOW

THAT YOU DON'T LOVE ME,

THEN I WILL BE OUT
OF YOUR LIFE FOREVER.

I DON'T LOVE YOU,
LANCE.

(crowd gasps)

REALLY?

♪♪

(woman) ISN'T IT CRAZY?

I'M THIS AMERICAN GIRL
AT AN ANIMAL RIGHTS RALLY,

AND HE'S THIS FRENCH GUY

WHOSE FAMILY LOBBIES
FOR THE FOIE GRAS INDUSTRY.

AND WE MEET,
AND IT'S LIKE FIREWORKS.

AGAIN, MY CONCERN
IS THE DIFFERENCES

YOU'RE DESCRIBING
MAY ULTIMATELY BE A PROBLEM.

I MENTIONED HE WAS HOT, RIGHT?
AND FRENCH?

YES.

OPPOSITES MIGHT ATTRACT,

BUT IT'S COMMONALITY
THAT UNITES.

NOW I'M SPEAKING ABOUT THIS
ON THE RADIO TOMORROW--

IF ANYONE'S INTERESTED--
"THE STEVE AND LOLA SHOW."

YOU'RE SO NOT GETTING THIS.
JUST LISTEN.

(man, French accent)
I have such little time left

in New York City,
and after meeting you today,

I would like to spend as much
of it as I can with you.
(beep)

SERIOUSLY, I HAVE BEEN
WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE

TO GET A MESSAGE LIKE THIS.
(man) HE'S NOT FRENCH.

SORRY. I JUST... THOUGHT
SHE SHOULD KNOW.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
HE'S LYING?

LINGUISTICS IS MY AREA
OF EXPERTISE.

I'M A DIALECT COACH.

YOUR SUITOR DEFINITELY GREW UP
WITH A FRENCH-SPEAKING PARENT

IN THE HOME, BUT HE'S NOT
A NATIVE TO FRANCE.

HE'S FROM THE OHIO VALLEY.
THAT'S QUITE A TALENT
YOU HAVE THERE.

CAN YOU TELL ME
WHERE I'M FROM?
CONNECTICUT.

THOUGH I SUSPECT YOU LIVED
JUST SOUTH OF ATLANTA

AS A TODDLER.
(murmuring)

OH, MY.

YOU WANT ME TO LISTEN
TO THIS MAN SPEAK--

THIS TREVOR--THEN TELL YOU
WHAT I CAN ABOUT HIS ORIGINS?

EXACTLY. AND I WISH
I COULD TELL YOU MORE,

BUT... PROFESSIONAL ETHICS.
NO, I'D BE HAPPY
TO LEND MY SKILLS...

IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
RETURNING A FAVOR?

YOUR BELIEF IN COMMONALITIES
IS ONE OF THE REASONS

I STARTED COMING
TO THESE SESSIONS,

BUT I'M STILL STRUGGLING

TO FIND THAT CEREBRAL,
RESERVED, CULTURED WOMAN

WHO SHARES MY INTERESTS.

WELL,
WHAT ARE YOUR INTERESTS?

OH, CROSSWORDS,
CLASSIC LITERATURE,

SOUTHEAST ASIAN
COLOR BLOCK ART.

IF I HELP YOU,
CAN YOU HELP ME?

♪♪

(cell phone rings)

(beep)

HELLO.

MR. PIERCE, PLEASE HOLD
FOR DR. McCRAE.

DR. McCRAE,
YOU HAVE MR. PIERCE.

WHERE ARE YOU?
T-SHIRT, JEANS AND A SMILE.

WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?
THAT'S NOT WHAT I ASKED.

YET IT'S WHAT
YOU WANTED TO KNOW.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO COME
TO THE SINGLES' GROUP TONIGHT.

I HAD TO COVER A SHIFT
AT THE BAR TONIGHT.

DR. McCRAE,
YOU HAVE ANOTHER CALL.

I'M COMING
BY YOUR WORK TOMORROW.

I HAVE FORMS FOR YOU
TO SIGN.
ALL RIGHT,
BUT I'M WARNING YOU,

I'M JUST AS HANDSOME
IN THE DAYTIME.

YOU'RE NOT REALLY
PROTECTING YOURSELF.
GOOD-BYE, TREVOR.

(beep)
HERE'S WALTER.

WALTER, HI.
I'M STANDING
RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BAR.

DID YOU DETERMINE
WHETHER HE'S WORKING?
I JUST TALKED TO HIM.

HE'LL BE TENDING BAR ALL NIGHT.
YOU CAN'T MISS HIM--

TALL, DARK HAIR,
BIG BROWN EYES,

KIND OF A DOPEY GRIN.

WHATEVER HIS ACCENT MIGHT
TELL YOU ABOUT HIS ORIGINS

WOULD BE
ENORMOUSLY HELPFUL.
(beep)

(horns honk in distance)

HI.

I'LL HAVE A-A LIGHT BEER,
PLEASE.

(imitates Midwestern accent)
OH, YEAH, YEAH.

(opens bottle)

(imitates British accent)
THAT'LL GO DOWN A TREAT, MATE.
THANK YOU.

(imitates Midwestern accent)
OH, YEAH, SURE. OH!

(imitates Yiddish accent)
OH, WOULD YOU LIKE A LITTLE NOSH

AND A KIBITZ
WITH YOUR COCKTAIL, BUBALAH?
DON'T MIND IF I DO.

(imitates Cockney accent)
RIGHT NOW I'D EAT THE WEBBIN'

OFF A LOW-FLYIN' DUCK.

(New York accent)
DON'T TELL MY BOSS, THOUGH.

IX-NAY ON THE EBBIN'-WAY.
MY BOSS--HE HAD TO CALL IN SICK

ON ACCOUNT OF HIS BOO.
I'M, LIKE, DAMN, PAPI!

(chuckles) I KNOW
I'M A WICKED PISSER.

BADA-BING, BADA-BOOM! OH!

(imitates British accent)
EVENING, GUV'NOR.

I TAKE IT YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M DOING HERE?

I CAN PROMISE YOU, CLAIRE HAD
ONLY GOOD INTENTIONS.

I DON'T KNOW THE DETAILS
OF YOUR SITUATION,

BUT I KNOW
IT WOULD MAKE CLAIRE HAPPY

IF YOU WERE TO ALLOW ME
THE CHANCE

TO LISTEN TO YOU SPEAK
NATURALLY.
(imitates German accent)
GUNTER GLIEBEN GLAUCHEN GLOBEN.

HERE'S MY CARD...

IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

CRAP.

BACKSTREET GIRL?

HEY.

YOU'RE ON THE FLOOR
IN A BAR BATHROOM.

(gasping and crying)

NO, NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO,
NO, YOU'RE FINE, YOU'RE FINE.

I JUST...

NEED SOME AIR?
NO.

WANNA THROW UP?

I JUST LOVE HIM SO MUCH.

AH.

(chuckles) SISTER...

(sighs)

TODAY'S YOUR LUCKY DAY.

HEY!

YOU MIGHT REMEMBER ME
FROM SUCH EMBARRASSING MOMENTS

AS "LAST NIGHT
AROUND THE TOILET."

VAGUELY. DRUNK-CHICK TUESDAYS
CAN GET CRAZY IN HERE.

I HAVE EXACTLY ONE OUNCE
OF PRIDE LEFT,

AND IT'S ONLY 'CAUSE I DIDN'T
SPEW A KAMIKAZE ALL OVER YOU.

I'M A MASSEUSE.

THIS IS GOOD FOR A FREEBIE.

I WOULD PUT YOUR NAME ON IT,
BUT RIGHT NOW

YOU'RE JUST THAT NICE GUY
WHO CARRIED ME TO THE STREET

AND FOUND A CAB THAT WOULD GO
ALL THE WAY TO FREAKIN' QUEENS.

(chuckles) I'M TREVOR.
(chuckles) DEBBIE.
THANKS, TREVOR.

ANYTIME YOU WANT A MASSAGE,
CALL ME. I MEAN IT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED HELP
WITH THE BOYFRIEND.

I APPRECIATE THE WEIRD OFFER,
BUT... (sniffles)

THE RELATIONSHIP IS DOOMED.
IT'S NOT DOOMED.

NO, I'M SERIOUS.
THERE WAS THIS DOCTOR

ON "THE STEVE AND LOLA SHOW"
THIS MORNING.

IT WAS LIKE SHE WAS TALKING
RIGHT TO ME.

"OPPOSITES ATTRACT" IS A MYTH.
SHE SAID SO.
OH, SO I GUESS THE BEATLES
WERE RIGHT.

"ALL YOU NEED IS... "
THINGS IN COMMON?

I LOVE LANCE, BUT I DON'T
REALLY FIT IN HIS WORLD.

HE'S ALL IVY LEAGUE,
HIGH SOCIETY.

I GIVE $15 NECK MASSAGES
IN FRONT OF A WHOLE FOODS.

I'M SORRY. UH...

ALL I HEARD WAS,
"DUMB EXCUSE, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

TWO YEARS AND TWO MONTHS
I DATED LANCE.

NEVER MET HIS FAMILY,
NEVER MET ONE SINGLE FRIEND.

NOT ONE.
YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER.
THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS.

OH, I THINK THE PART WHERE HE'S
ASHAMED OF ME MATTERS, TOO.

BUT WHO CAN BLAME HIM?

I MEAN, LISTEN TO ME.
I DON'T QUITE SOUND

LIKE THE GAL YOU TAKE
TO THE MET, DO I?

YOU SOUND GOOD TO ME.

CALL WHEN YOU WANT
THAT MASSAGE.

THESE HANDS ARE GIFTED.

(beep)

(dialing)

(cell phone rings)

HELLO?
Hi. It's Trevor
from last night.

LISTEN, I THINK I WILL
TAKE YOU UP ON THAT OFFER--

ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP OUT
MY GOOD FRIEND CLAIRE.

WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.
Let me ask you something.

HOW OFTEN DO YOU WORK OUT?

NEVER.
Perfect.

MEET ME AT QUEENSBRIDGE PARK.

LITA! WHERE'D YOU GO?

YOU GOTTA GET DOWNSTAIRS
AND RELIEVE TREVOR.

WE GOT A GAME TO GET TO.
(Lita) UGH!

YOU'LL NEVER GUESS WHAT
I FOUND IN TREVOR'S BEDROOM!

OPEN YOUR PALM.

THEY'RE TEETH.

AND I NEED THEM
IN MY HAND WHY?

TREVOR HAS A BAG OF TEETH
UNDER HIS NIGHTSTAND--

A BAG OF TEETH.

I'M SURE THERE'S
A LOGICAL EXPLANATION.

UH, YEAH, HE KILLED HIS OLD
ROOMMATES AND KEPT THEIR TEETH.

THAT'S WHERE YOUR MIND GOES?

SORRY. WHERE IS
THE BAG OF TEETH HAPPY PLACE?

IT'S NONE OF OUR BUSINESS.
JUST PUT HIS TEETH BACK.

I GOT IT!

(grunts)
UHH!

(strained voice)
SORRY ABOUT THAT, BUDDY.

(grunts) YOU OKAY?

WHAT'S THE SAYING--
"NO BLOOD, NO INFRACTION"?

(pants) WORDS TO LIVE BY.
WHAT'S WITH THE HARD KNOCKS?

I'M MID-MASTER PLAN.
MASTER PLAN? YOU TRYING TO
MATCH HIM UP WITH A BODY CAST?

HI.

IS TREVOR WORKING?

I'VE SEEN YOU BEFORE.
YOU'RE TREVOR'S DOCTOR, RIGHT?
I AM.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO BE HERE. I HAVE
SOME PAPERS FOR HIM TO SIGN.

OH, WELL,
HE'S OUT PLAYING FOOTBALL.

DO YOU HAVE A SECOND? I NEED
SOME REASSURANCE ON SOMETHING.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT
HE USES THIS FOR?

NO CLUE.

I PUT IT BACK
WHERE I FOUND IT.

BONING UP ON HIS MYTHOLOGY,
IS HE?

BRACE YOURSELF.
IT'S PRETTY GROSS.

WHAT?

WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE
DISTURBED BY THIS?

WE HAVE A PATIENT AT
THE HOSPITAL--A FORMER DENTIST.

HE BELIEVES
HE'S THE TOOTH FAIRY.

OF COURSE. I SHOULD'VE KNOWN.

THEY'RE NOT REAL TEETH.
HE USES THEM AS CURRENCY.

I'M PRETTY SURE THAT TREVOR
WON THEM IN A POKER GAME.

THIS BOOK IS INTERESTING.

IT'S THREE YEARS OVERDUE.
THAT'S WHAT'S INTERESTING?

LUNATICS PLAYING POKER
FOR TEETH,

AND THE OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK'S
WHAT'S GOT YOU?

THAT'S THE TITLE OF THE BOOK.

I WANT YOU TO CALL
RAINIER STATE COLLEGE,

WHEREVER THAT IS,
AND SEE IF THEY'LL TELL YOU

WHO CHECKED IT OUT LAST.

HOPEFULLY, WE'LL AT LEAST
FIND OUT TREVOR'S REAL NAME.
IT'S IN OLYMPIA.

WHAT?

RAINIER STATE COLLEGE--
IT'S IN OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON.

(cell phone rings)

(ring)

(ring)

(beep)

HELLO?
WALTER? HI, IT'S CLAIRE.

I JUST WANTED TO SEE
HOW THINGS WENT WITH TREVOR.

HE SOMEHOW KNEW
I'D BE SHOWING UP AT THE BAR.

HOW WOULD HE KNOW THAT?
No idea, but he put me
through the ringer for a while.

THEN HE CALLED FIRST THING THIS
MORNING AND SET UP A MEETING,

VOLUNTEERED TO LET ME
EVALUATE HIM.
HE DID?

OH, AND HE TOLD ME
HE THINKS HE'S CUPID.

OR RATHER,
HE TOLD ME HE IS CUPID.

HE TOLD YOU THAT?

WAIT. HAS HE BEEN TRYING
TO FIND YOU A DATE?

Has he asked
about your love life?

NOT AT ALL. HOW IS
MY LOVE LIFE, BY THE WAY?

I HAVE AN IDEA
ON THAT FRONT.

THE HOSPITAL IS HAVING
A BACHELOR AUCTION FUND-RAISER,

AND NORMALLY I WOULD NEVER
SUGGEST THIS SORT OF THING.

But the women participating are
almost uniformly professional.

And you'd fetch top dollar,
and it's for a good cause.

WALTER?

I'M ALL FOR GOOD CAUSES,
CLAIRE,

BUT THE ONLY THING
THAT TERRIFIES ME

MORE THAN DYING ALONE IS
BEING THE CENTER OF ATTENTION.

OKAY, WELL,
FORGET I MENTIONED IT.

WE WILL FIND THAT RESERVED,
CEREBRAL,

cultured girl for you.

(knock on door)
I SHOULD GO.
SOMEONE'S AT THE DOOR.

(shuts cell phone)

(groans) I'M COMING!

HEY, ARE YOU
WALTER BLACKSTOCK?

YES?

I'M DEBBIE. TREVOR SENT ME.
I'M HERE FOR YOUR MASSAGE.

HOW WAS THE MASSAGE?

HE LOVED IT.
I TOLD YOU--MAGIC.

GOOD, BECAUSE WALTER IS
THE KEY PIECE OF MY MASTER PLAN.

FOR?
YOU AND LANCE.

WALTER CAN HELP TEACH YOU HOW
TO FIT IN WITH LANCE'S WORLD.

SO... HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT A LITTLE SERVICE SWAP?

FREE MASSAGES
FOR FREE ELOCUTION LESSONS.

IT'S AN INTRIGUING OFFER,

GIVEN YOUR FRIENDLY GAME
OF TOUCH FOOTBALL

HAS LEFT ME
SOMEWHAT COMPROMISED.

AND MASSAGE
IS VERY THERAPEUTIC.

AND YOU GET THE ADDED BONUS
OF KNOWING

YOU HELPED REUNITE
STAR-CROSSED LOVERS.
YOU TAKE THIS CUPID THING
SERIOUSLY.

PLUS IT'LL GIVE YOU AND ME
MORE TIME TO SPEND TOGETHER.

MAYBE WE CAN FIGURE OUT WHAT
SIDE OF MT. OLYMPUS I'M FROM.

SEE? IT'S WIN-WIN-WIN.

"IN THE CHEERFULLY FIENDISH
SERIES--"

I HATE WHOEVER WROTE THIS.

DEBBIE.

"THE ARTIST USED COTTON BALLS
DIPPED IN PIGMENTED ACRYLIC

WHICH HE SQUASHED ON THE CANVAS
TO APPROXIMATE BRUSHSTROKES."

WHY DIDN'T HE JUST USE
A BRUSH IN THE FIRST PLACE?

PERHAPS YOU COULD PICK SOMETHING
THAT YOU ENJOY READING.

DON'T MIND IF I DO.

"DANILO GALLINARI
BEGAN HIS NBA CAREER--"

SERIOUSLY, THE KNICKS
TAKE AN ITALIAN?

THIS IS WHY MY FATHER
GAVE UP ON 'EM.

THERE'S AN "R" IN "FATHER."

YOU SAY "FATH-AH."

FATH-AH, MATH-AH, OTH-AH--
YOU SEE?

THAT'S WHAT I SOUND LIKE
TO YOU?

THAT'S WHAT YOU SOUND LIKE
TO EVERYBODY.

I SOUND LIKE
A CLASSLESS MORON?

THIS IS GONNA BE
HARD WORK, DEBBIE.

ARE YOU SURE
YOU WANT TO DO THIS?

I'M SURE I DON'T.
(sighs)

BUT IF IT MEANS THINGS CAN
WORK OUT WITH ME AND LANCE,

I'M GONNA DO IT, ANYWAY.

"WHAT A TO-DO TO DIE TODAY

AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00."

"A THING DISTINCTLY HARD TO SAY
BUT HARDER STILL TO DO."

"WE'LL BEAT A TATTOO
AT 20 TO 2:00."

"A RAT-A-TAT-TAT,
TAT-A-TAT-TAT, TAT-A-TATTOO."

"...SENSATION
OF A SHORT, SHARP SHOCK

FROM A CHEAP AND CHIPPY CHOPPER
ON A BIG, BLACK BLOCK."

DON'T DROP THE "R"
IN "CHOPPER."

"WHAT A TO-DO TO DIE TODAY
AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00."

"A THING DISTINCTLY HARD TO SAY
BUT HARDER STILL TO DO."

"WE'LL BEAT A TATTOO
AT 20 TO 2:00."

"A RAT-A-TAT-TAT,
A-TAT-A-TAT..."

AH, EH, AI.

(Tim Myers)
♪ THIS IS THE GOOD LIFE ♪

(laughs) AH, EH, AI.

(snooty voice)
"AND THE DRAGON WILL COME

"WHEN HE HEARS THE DRUM
AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00 TODAY.

AT A MINUTE OR 2 TO 2:00."

BY JOVE--
(normal voice)
DON'T SAY IT.

TREVOR,
I REALLY OWE YOU ONE.

WALTER IS JUST LIKE A...

A GODSEND?

YEAH. HE'S MADE
A HUGE DIFFERENCE.

GUESS WHAT I DID.

WHAT?

I CALLED LANCE.

NO.

HAND TO GOD. I PRETENDED I WAS
FUND-RAISING FOR PUBLIC TV,

OFFERED HIM A TOTE BAG.
HE HAD NO IDEA IT WAS ME.

OH, SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE READY.
NOT EVEN CLOSE.

BUT IT WAS SO GOOD TO HEAR
HIS VOICE. HE SOUNDED LONELY.

WHAT DOES WALTER SAY?
HE HAD THIS IDEA

WE TAKE THE SHOW ON THE ROAD,
GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD.

WE'RE DOING HIGH TEA
AT THE HYPERION HOTEL.

AH, THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
(chuckles)

IT SOUNDS LIKE
YOU'RE READY.
MM.

SHOW ME WHAT YOU GOT.

(snooty voice)
"PATRICK EWING, JR.

"IS THE PEOPLE'S CHOICE.

"JEROME JAMES, HOWEVER,

IS COACH MIKE D'ANTONI'S
CHOICE."

I'M DAZZLED.

(normal voice) YEAH,
AS LONG AS I STICK TO SPORTS.

YOU THINK IT'LL WORK?

YOU THINK
LANCE WILL BE IMPRESSED?

HE'D BE A FOOL NOT TO BE.

OH. YOU KNOW WHAT? CAN I BORROW
YOUR CELL? LOCAL CALL.

MY BATTERY'S DEAD.

THANKS.

SO, WALTER,
ANYTHING TO REPORT?

(Walter) I'm not getting obvious
clues of origin in his dialect,

BUT HE SET ME UP
WITH AN INCREDIBLE MASSEUSE.

MY GOD.
HE'S LIKE AN ALLEY CAT.

DR. McCRAE--
I'M SORRY, WALTER,
TREVOR HAS AN ODD OBSESSION

WITH THROWING RANDOM PEOPLE
INTO RELATIONSHIPS.

OH, NO,
I MEANT PROFESSIONALLY.

BEST MASSAGE I'VE EVER HAD.

OH, WELL. JU--LET ME KNOW IF YOU
COME UP WITH ANYTHING NEW.

BYE.
(beep)

OKAY, SO I FINALLY GOT
A CALL BACK FROM THE LIBRARIAN

AT RAINIER STATE COLLEGE.

TREVOR'S MYTHOLOGY BOOK--IT WAS
CHECKED OUT THREE YEARS AGO

BY AN ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR
IN THE CLASSICS DEPARTMENT

NAMED ANTHONY RUSSO, WHO,
ACCORDING TO SOME GOSSIP

I FINESSED OUT
OF THE LIBRARIAN,

LEFT UNDER A CLOUD--
RUMORS OF SEXUAL MISCONDUCT.

WHERE DID HE GO?
NO ONE KNOWS.

NO ONE AT RAINIER HAS HEARD
FROM ANTHONY RUSSO

SINCE HE DISAPPEARED
THREE YEARS AGO.

OF COURSE I ACKNOWLEDGE
THAT YOU HAVE AN OBLIGATION

TO BE DISCREET
IN THE REGISTRAR'S OFFICE.

I UNDERSTAND THAT MR. RUSSO'S
INFORMATION IS CONFIDENTIAL,

BUT THIS IS SOMETHING
OF AN EMERGENCY.

OKAY, I WILL TELL YOU.

I'M CARRYING HIS CHILD.

FINE,
I WILL GIVE YOU MY INFORMATION,

BUT I DOUBT
HE'S GOING TO CONTACT ME.

THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.

ARE YOU SURE WE GOT
THE ENGLISH MENU?

WHAT'S SPECK?
CAN I GET FRIES WITH IT?

YOU THINK THEY'LL SUPER-SIZE
MY SPECK VALUE MEAL?

(singsong voice)
I CAN'T HEAR YOU.

(snooty voice)
WHAT, PRAY TELL, IS SPECK?

MIGHT IT CAUSE ONE
TO YACK?

(normal voice)
IT'S A FANCY HAM OR SALAMI.

I FIND MYSELF UNDERWHELMED

BY THE PHILHARMONIC'S
UPCOMING SEASON.

HMM. PERSONALLY, I AM EXCITED
ABOUT MAHLER'S "FIFTH."

SOME MAY CONSIDER IT
PLATITUDINOUS,

YET THE FOURTH MOVEMENT ADAGIO
CONTINUES TO SURPRISE ME.

CAN I TAKE YOUR ORDER?

I WAS CONSIDERING
THE TUNA TARTAR,

BUT INSTEAD WE'LL HAVE
THE NICOISE SALAD.

THE GENTLEMAN
WILL HAVE THE SAME.

ANYTHING TO START?

YES. WE WILL SHARE A PLATE
OF ASSORTED CA-NAY-PES.

CAN I SUGGEST
SOME HERB-CRUSTED ZUCCHINI

AND MAYBE THE LEN-TEEL SOUP
TO GO WITH THOSE CA-NAY-PES?

I'M SORRY?
(normal voice) I SAID
SOMETHING WRONG, DIDN'T I?

MISS, YOU'RE BEING
EXTRAORDINARILY RUDE FOR SOMEONE

WHO'S EITHER IGNORANT OF,
OR CHOOSES TO IGNORE,

THE DEFINITIONAL DIVIDE
OF "CAN" AND "MAY."

CAN YOU TAKE OUR ORDER?

THE ANSWER, MADAM,
IS APPARENTLY NOT.

NOW LET'S SEE IF YOU CAN OFFER
MY FRIEND AN APOLOGY,

OR I MAY CHOOSE TO SPEAK
WITH YOUR MANAGER.
OKAY, I GET IT.
I DON'T WANT AN APOLOGY.

I JUST WANNA
GET OUT OF HERE.

DEBBIE, COME BACK.
YOU WERE DOING GREAT.

SHE'S A WAITRESS,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD.

AND I'M A MASSEUSE, WALTER.
I COUNT, DON'T I?

SEE?

THIS IS WHY
YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND.

YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.

YOU HAVE NO CLUE
HOW HARD THIS IS.

(Boston accent)
I GOT A PRETTY GOOD IDEA

WHAT IT'S LIKE, DEB.

YOU, TOO, BRUTUS?

I-I'M NOT MAKING FUN OF YA.

THIS IS HOW I TALKED
MY FIRST 18 YEARS.

I GREW UP IN SOUTH BOSTON.

I WILL SQUISH YOUR HEAD
IF YOU'RE LYING TO ME.

I GREW UP SMART
IN A PART OF TOWN

WHERE SMART
GOT YOUR ASS KICKED.

I WORKED MY BUTT OFF
AT SCHOOL

WHILE THE OTHER GUYS
WERE BUYING BEER AT THE PACKY.

MY FIRST DAY AT HARVARD--

MY ROOMMATE ASKED ME
IF I COULD FIX A LEAKY SINK.

HE FIGURED
I HAD TO BE A CUSTODIAN.

WHAT'D YOU DO?

I FIXED THE SINK.

THEN I DECIDED
I'D TRY TO FIT IN,

CHANGE MY LIFE.

I BROKE DOWN THE SPEECH PATTERNS
OF THE RICH KIDS...

HARDENED MY VOWELS.

CLIPPED MY CONSONANTS.

BEFORE I KNEW IT,
I WAS ONE OF THEM.

OKAY, SO I GUESS
YOU DO HAVE A CLUE.

AND NOW THAT I KNOW
YOU'RE FROM BOSTON,

THERE'S ONE THING
YOU HAVE TO KNOW.

THE RED SOX SUCK.

FACE IT, DEBBIE.
WE'RE JUST LIVING--

OH, PLEASE.
I--REALLY, I FEEL SORRY.

I FEEL SORRY
FOR YOU RED SOX FANS.
THEY'RE A TEAM OF THE PAST.

OH, MY GOD, THERE'S LANCE.
WHICH ONE?

THE ONE WAVING ME OVER.
HEY.

THERE,
STANDING BY THE MIME.

LANCE, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I-I GOT YOUR TEXT.

YOU SAID YOU WANTED
TO MEET TODAY

OUTSIDE THE HYPERION HOTEL...
BESIDE THE MIME.

I DIDN'T SEND A...

TREVOR.

SO WHAT'S UP?

(snooty voice)
I'VE BEEN FOLLOWING THE KNICKS.

I'M NOT SURE D'ANTONI IS GOING
TO BE ABLE TO GET THIS LINEUP

TO PLAY UP-TEMPO.

AND WITH NO CAP ROOM, I'M AFRAID
THE REBUILDING WILL BE SLOW.

I'M SORRY. DID--DID WE GO
TO CHOATE TOGETHER?

I DON'T BELIEVE SO.

PERHAPS WE SUMMERED
IN KENNEBUNKPORT.

WHERE DID THIS NEW VOICE
COME FROM? THIS IS AMAZING.

WALTER HERE HAS BEEN
GIVING ME LESSONS.

HE'S A DIALECT COACH.

UH, LANCE STILLWELL.

(chuckles) BRAVO.

SHE'S A DEDICATED STUDENT.

ARE THESE LESSONS FOR ME?
FOR US?

LOOK, I-I WAS WRONG
NOT TO, UH,

ASK YOU TO MY PARENTS'
ANNIVERSARY PARTY.

IS IT TOO LATE
TO ASK YOU NOW?

WILL THEY KEEP THE RIFFRAFF OUT?

OF THAT YOU CAN BE
QUITE CERTAIN.

THEN, YES, I WOULD LOVE TO GO.

OKAY, WELL, I-I HAVE
TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE,

BUT, UM, I'M SO GLAD
YOU GOT IN TOUCH.

AND, UH, I'M SO IMPRESSED
WITH, UH, WHAT YOU'VE DONE.

I'LL CALL YOU LATER
WITH ALL THE DETAILS, OKAY?

OF COURSE.
OKAY.

(normal voice) YOU...

ARE A STRANGE, STRANGE MAN,
TREVOR.

BUT I'M GLAD
IT WAS YOUR BAR I HEAVED IN.

AND YOU...

UGH! YOU ARE A MENSCH!

(laughs) OH, MY GOD.

ANNIVERSARY PARTY.
THE VANDERFIELD CLUB.

HIS PARENTS.

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!
I HAVE TO GO!

I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!
(laughs)

BYE!

CLEARLY, OPPOSITES ATTRACT.

I'M BASICALLY A GOOD GUY,

BUT I AM ALWAYS ATTRACTED
TO CRUEL WOMEN.

(Trevor) IT'S TRUE.

I'M LOOSEY-GOOSEY
AND WEAR PRIMARY COLORS

BUT TOTALLY GOT A THING
FOR UPTIGHT WOMEN

WHO DRESS IN EARTH TONES.

I'M NOT SAYING
OPPOSITES DON'T ATTRACT.

WHAT I'M SAYING IS,

IS THAT ONCE THE HEAT
OF THAT ATTRACTION COOLS,

AND IT ALWAYS DOES,

THAT HAVING
OPPOSING TEMPERAMENTS

CAN BE AN IMPEDIMENT
TO A LONG-LASTING RELATIONSHIP.

I HAVE ONE MORE MEETING
WITH TREVOR TOMORROW.

I SHOULD BE FINISHED WITH
HIS REPORT BY TOMORROW NIGHT.

GREAT. THEN I'LL SWING BY.
AND JUST SO YOU KNOW,

I DO HAVE A FEW IRONS
IN THE FIRE,

BUT I HAVEN'T QUITE FOUND
THE PERFECT MATCH FOR YOU YET.

(cell phone rings)
EXCUSE ME.

(beep)
TREVOR PIERCE LOVE LINE.

I'M TRYING TO DECIDE
WHAT TO WEAR TO LANCE'S PARTY.

I NEED ELEGANT.
ALL I'VE GOT...

is 1980s cheesy.
YEAH, YOU KNOW,

THAT'S A LITTLE BIT OUT
OF MY AREA OF EXPERTISE.

BUT MAYBE I CAN
WORK SOMETHING OUT.

(Debbie) THIS IS SO NICE
OF YOU, DR. McCRAE.

THANKS FOR LETTING ME OVER.

UH, SURE. I'M GLAD
WE'RE THE SAME SIZE.

(whispers)
THIS IS A RIDICULOUS IDEA.

WHAT? SHE GETS A DRESS,
YOU GET A MASSAGE. IT'S WIN-WIN.

THE BRIDGE-AND-TUNNEL GIRL
WITH THE PARK AVENUE GUY?

IT CAN'T WORK.
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

IT'S NICE,
BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WALTER WOULD HAVE
A WORD FOR IT.
I THINK THE WORD
WOULD BE "MEH."

I LIKE IT. RESERVED, YET--
SHE'S NOT DOING HIS TAXES. NEXT.

NOW IF I'M TO UNDERSTAND YOU,

THIS LANCE IS THE SCION
OF A PROMINENT BANKING FAMILY?

YOU ARE LEADING THIS LAMB
TO SLAUGHTER, TREVOR.
THE FAMILY WILL NEVER KNOW.
WE'VE GOT THAT COVERED.

OF COURSE THEY'LL KNOW.

I KNOW WHAT WALTER
WOULD SAY ABOUT THIS.

"WOOF"?

"PRURIENT."

HE ACTUALLY USES WORDS
LIKE THAT IN CONVERSATION.

THAT MUST BE ANNOYING.
ARE YOU KIDDING?

HE'S LIKE MY OWN
WORD-OF-THE-DAY CALENDAR.

I FEEL MYSELF GETTING SMARTER
WHENEVER I'M AROUND HIM.

I'VE BEEN
TO THE VANDERFIELD CLUB.

THAT DRESS
MIGHT BE A BIT MUCH.
SHOW CLAIRE WHAT YOU AND WALTER
HAVE BEEN WORKING ON.

YEAH, OKAY.

(snooty voice)
THE JETS' ACQUISITION

OF BRETT FAVRE

CAN'T SIMPLY BE VIEWED
IN TERMS OF WINS AND LOSSES.

THAT IS ODD AND AMAZING.
(chuckles)

WALTER'S BEEN
A GREAT HELP, HASN'T HE?
(normal voice)
WALTER IS THE BEST.

SOMETHING
ABOUT THOSE UPTOWN BOYS?
WALTER'S NOT UPTOWN.

HE'S FROM SOUTH BOSTON.
HE'S FAKING IT, JUST LIKE ME.

HE JUST HAS
A 20-YEAR HEAD START.

HE'S JUST...

AMAZING?

YEAH.

SO AFTER ALL THIS BROUHAHA,
THEY FINALLY FIGURE OUT

THAT THERE'S TWO BLONDES
IN THE TOWN NAMED LILY.

YOU WROTE DOWN "BROUHAHA."
IT'S A REGIONAL MARKER.

'CAUSE I WAS GONNA GO
WITH "KERFUFFLE."
SO WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE BROTHERS?

(Irish brogue)
COME ON. HE'S CODDIN' YA.

I'VE HEARD THAT STORY TEN WAYS.

(imitates Irish brogue)
DON'T BE TWISTING HAY, BOYO.

(normal voice)
DON'T WRITE THAT DOWN. SIT.

SIT, SIT.
(sighs)

OKAY, LOOK. I NEED
TO ASK YOU A QUESTION.

DEBBIE.

IS THAT A QUESTION?

YEAH. SEE, I'M GETTING
A VIBE FROM HER

THAT SHE REALLY DIGS YOU.

AND I NEED TO KNOW
IF YOU DIG HER BACK,

'CAUSE THE CLOCK
IS TICKING, MY FRIEND.

BY TOMORROW NIGHT, SHE JUST
MIGHT BE LOST FOREVER.

AREN'T YOU TRYING
TO REUNITE DEBBIE WITH LANCE?
NO.

I'M TRYING TO UNITE DEBBIE
WITH HER TRUE LOVE.

EVENING, BOSS.
NO WORD FROM ANTHONY RUSSO.

JOSIE, DO YOU KNOW
FRANCINE MEYERS,

WORKS IN RECORDS?
RUNS A SCRABBLE LEAGUE.

YEAH, I MET HER
AT THE WINE THING.
WINE THING?

SHE HOSTS A TASTING
AT THIS WINE BAR IN SOHO.

I WOULDN'T EXACTLY
RECOMMEND IT

UNLESS YOU'RE
INTO MUSEUM GOSSIP

AND TALKING ABOUT WINE
MORE THAN YOU DRINK IT.

DO YOU KNOW IF SHE'S SINGLE?

DEBBIE.

'CAUSE NOTHING SAYS
"THANK YOU"

LIKE THE PHONETIC ALPHABET
ON CUPCAKES! (laughs)

HERE. (laughs nervously)
YEAH.

I MIGHT'VE EATEN THE "E"
WITH THE UMLAUT.

TO HARD WORK PAYING OFF.

TO FINDING MORE
THAN JUST MY VOICE.

(clink)

YOU KNOW, DEBBIE,

THE TRUTH IS, I'VE REALLY
ENJOYED OUR TIME TOGETHER.

YEAH. WHAT A CHALLENGE,
RIGHT?

(chuckles)
YES. NO. WELL...

WHAT I MEAN IS I...

I'M NOT QUITE SURE
HOW TO SAY THIS.

(knock on door)

SAY WHAT, WALTER?

HEY. I JUST SWUNG BY
TO PICK UP THAT REPORT.

IS IT READY?
OH, YES, UH, COME IN.

(Debbie) HEY, CLAIRE.

OH, I'M NOT INTERRUPTING
A LESSON, AM I?

HERE YOU ARE, CLAIRE.

TRULY A FASCINATING CASE.

OH, I CAN'T WAIT.

AND TO SHOW YOU WHAT
I HAVE BEEN WORKING ON, TOO--

I HAVE FOUND
THE IDEAL WOMAN FOR YOU.

SHE IS EVERYTHING
YOU SAID YOU WANTED.
UH...

CEREBRAL, RESERVED, CULTURED.

I SHOULD BE GOING.
(laughs nervously)

BIG DEBUT TOMORROW.

BEST OF LUCK
WITH THE GIRL.

SHE SOUNDS PERFECT.
(chuckles nervously)

HUH?

(door closes)

MY BEST GUESS
IS HE'S AN ARMY BRAT.

HE'S TRAVELED
ALL OVER THE WORLD.

THAT'S WHAT MADE HIM
SUCH A TIME-CONSUMING CASE.

HE USES IDIOMS AND EXPRESSIONS
THAT I'VE QUITE LITERALLY

NEVER HEARD OUT OF THE MOUTH
OF AN AMERICAN.
HE SOUNDS LIKE HALF THE GUYS
IN NEW YORK TO ME.

YEAH, BUT HE'S A MIMIC.
YOU COULD DROP HIM IN GEORGIA,

COME BACK A WEEK LATER,
HE'D SOUND LIKE BOSS HOGG.

WAIT. AN ARMY BRAT. WHAT ABOUT
THE SON OF MISSIONARIES?

YEAH, THAT WOULD
MAKE SENSE. WHY?
WE HAD A LEAD ON TREVOR'S
REAL NAME--ANTHONY RUSSO.

I HAD MY ASSISTANT DO
A GOOGLE SEARCH.

THERE WERE HUNDREDS.

BUT ONE OF THOSE MENTIONS
A STORY

ABOUT MISSIONARIES IN AFRICA,
AN OLDER COUPLE.

THEY MENTION A SON--ANTHONY.

I THINK WE FOUND OUR CUPID.

WELL, DR. CLAIRE McCRAE,
AS I LIVE AND BREATHE.

WHAT'S YOUR POISON?

I'M NOT HERE TO DRINK,
TREVOR.

I GET IT.
LOOKING FOR MR. GOODBAR?

SEE JOHNSON OVER THERE?

I HEAR HE HAS A REAL
"I DREAM OF JEANNIE" FETISH.

NOW THERE'S
THIS COSTUME SHOP--

I'VE GOT A STORY
I WANT TO SHARE WITH YOU.

A LOVE STORY.

OH, MY FAVORITE KIND.

THE STORY'S ABOUT A SCHOLAR,
A UNIVERSITY PROFESSOR.

LET'S GIVE HIM A NAME,
SAY...

ANTHONY RUSSO.

RUSSO FALLS IN LOVE
WITH ONE OF HIS STUDENTS.

OLD STORY.

HE FALLS MADLY IN LOVE
WITH HER.

SHE RECIPROCATES,
BUT THE SEMESTER ENDS.

FOR HER,
IT WAS JUST A PASSING FLING.

AND FOR HIM,
IT WAS MUCH MORE.

LIKE I SAID, OLD STORY.

BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE.

HE CAN'T STOP THINKING
ABOUT HER.

HE STALKS HER, HE LEAVES
DRUNKEN MESSAGES ON HER MACHINE.

SHE REPORTS HIM
TO THE UNIVERSITY.

HE RESIGNS IN DISGRACE.
HE SNAPS.
(snaps fingers)

HE HAS TO GET AS FAR AWAY
FROM HER AS POSSIBLE,

BUT HE'S GOT
NO FAMILY SUPPORT.

FOR SAKE OF ARGUMENT,

HIS PARENTS
ARE LIVING IN AFRICA.

RUSSO CHANGES HIS IDENTITY,
MOVES ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

EVENTUALLY, HE CAN'T EVEN
REMEMBER WHO HE IS.

HE TELLS PEOPLE
HE'S THE GOD OF LOVE.

OKAY. NOT BAD.

BUT I GOT A BETTER ONE
FOR YOU.

LET'S TAKE YOUR PROFESSOR.

BUT THIS TIME, LET'S MAKE RUSSO
A REAL ASS HOUND,

ALWAYS SEDUCING THE COEDS.

THEN, UNEXPECTEDLY,
HE FALLS FOR ONE OF HIS PEERS--

ANOTHER PROFESSOR.

HEAD OVER HEELS.

THIS MORALLY BANKRUPT MAN
FINALLY FINDS SOMEONE

WHO TURNS HIM INTO THE MAN
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE.

THEN SOME JEALOUS COED,

WHO HE THREW AWAY
THE YEAR BEFORE,

MAKES IT HER MISSION
TO SPOIL HIS HAPPINESS.

TELLS THE NEW WOMAN ALL ABOUT
THE GIRLS HE'S SEDUCED.

WELL, THE PROFESSOR'S LOVER
CAN'T TAKE IT,

WANTS TO ESCAPE,

TO SLEEP UNTIL IT DOESN'T
HURT ANYMORE.

FIGURES THE MORE PILLS
SHE TAKES,

THE LONGER SHE'LL SLEEP.

WELL, OUR PRINCE CHARMING
FINDS HER IN BED,

BUT NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES
HE KISSES HER,

SHE WON'T WAKE UP.

I'M NOT SURE
ABOUT YOUR ENDING, EITHER.

IT'S A TAD HACKNEYED.

INSTEAD OF THE INSANITY BIT,

LET'S SAY HE TRAVELS
FROM VILLAGE TO VILLAGE

WRESTLING GORGONS
FOR SACKS OF GOLD.

SOMEONE HURT YOU VERY BADLY,
ANTHONY.

THE NAME'S CUPID.

AND, YOU KNOW, I KNOW
YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME,

BUT GIVE WALTER
ANOTHER 24 HOURS,

YOU'LL BE A BELIEVER.
WALTER?

TREVOR, I FOUND SOMEONE

WHO I THINK WILL BE
A GOOD MATCH FOR WALTER.

HE CAME TO ME FOR HELP, SO I
WILL ASK YOU NOT TO INTERFERE.

YOU GOT SOMEONE FOR HIM?
(chuckles) I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.
I MOST CERTAINLY DO.

WHO? QUICK.
NO TIME TO THINK.
HER NAME IS FRANCINE MEYERS.
SHE WORKS AT THE HOSPITAL.

AND THEY'RE HAVING LUNCH
TOGETHER TOMORROW AT OSTUNI.

YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE
WHO CAN SET PEOPLE UP.

I'VE GOT A REAL KNACK
FOR THIS.

MMM.

AHH.

WAITER?

KEEP IT COMIN'.
WHERE WAS I?

UH, YOU WERE TELLING ME
ABOUT YOUR FORMER LOVERS.

THAT'S RIGHT. WHO WAS I ON?
DONALD.

OH. DONALD.

MY BIG "WHAT IF?"

DONALD.

DONALD.

DONALD.

CLAIRE INDICATED
YOU'RE A SCRABBLE PLAYER.

WHAT IF? WHAT IF I HAD
STEPPED UP THAT NIGHT?

HE WAS MY ONE TRUE LOVE,
BUT I LET HIM GO.

THOUGHT I'D GET ANOTHER SHOT.

AND NOW, WELL...

JUST LOOK AT ME.

LOOK AT ME!

CHECK?

WAIT. BEFORE I RIDE SHOTGUN
ON THE STAGECOACH TO CRAZY...

TELL ME AGAIN
WHY YOU NEED THE NIGHT OFF.

ANY MINUTE NOW, A DESPERATE
MAN'S GONNA COME IN HERE

AND NEED MY HELP.
THIS MAN IS GONNA WALK
THROUGH THAT DOOR IN MY BAR,

AND HE'S GONNA ASK YOU
FOR HELP DOING... CUPID STUFF?
YEAH.

(sighs) YOU KNOW, I CAN GO
MOST DAYS WITHOUT THE FACT

THAT I PLUCKED YOU OUT
OF A MENTAL INSTITUTION

ENTERING MY MIND,
AND THEN--
TREVOR! I NEED YOUR HELP.
IT'S ABOUT DEBBIE.

UNBELIEVABLE.

YEAH, SURE, GO.

WHAT ARE YOU,
ABOUT A 40 REGULAR?

UH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

(sighs) HERE YOU GO.

WHAT'S THIS?

THAT'S HOW
YOU'RE GETTING DEBBIE BACK.

TELL ME THE TRUTH. WHEN YOU
CAME UP WITH THIS PLAN,

YOU WERE WATCHING
"SCOOBY-DOO."
WE'RE IN, AREN'T WE?

I MEAN, YOU COULD'VE STATED
YOUR CASE LAST NIGHT,

BUT YOU DIDN'T LISTEN TO ME.

GRAB A TRAY OF HORS D'OEUVRES.
LET'S GO.

(classical music playing)

THANK YOU.

(indistinct conversations,
laughter)

♪♪

OH, MY.

YOU LOOK BEAUTIFUL.

(snooty voice)
WHY, MR. STILLWELL,

YOU DO FLATTER.

(chuckles)

YOU'RE EMPTY. GET BACK
TO THE KITCHEN AND LOAD UP.

(snooty voice)
I'M SURE ST. PETERSBURG

IS WONDERFUL
THIS TIME OF YEAR,

THOUGH I CONFESS, I'VE ONLY
BEEN THERE FOR SPRING BREAK.

(laughing)

WELL, WHAT SORT OF WORK
DO YOU DO?

SHE'S IN, UH... HEALTH CARE.

YEAH, OKAY,
SO MAYBE I'M THINKING

I WASN'T SO CLEAR EARLIER.

REMEMBER THAT "BEST MAN
SCENARIO" I WAS TALKING ABOUT?

YOU'RE THE BEST MAN.
NOW GET OVER THERE.

DEBBIE DESERVES TO BE LOVED
FOR WHO SHE IS,

NOT FOR WHO
SHE'S TRYING TO BE.

MOTHER, FATHER,

ALLOW ME
TO INTRODUCE YOU TO...

DEBORAH STEIN.

MR. AND MRS. STILLWELL,
IT'S MY PLEASURE.

LANCE HAS SAID SUCH
WONDERFUL THINGS ABOUT YOU.

STEIN? IS THAT JEWISH?

UH, OF COURSE NOT, MOTHER.
IT'S GERMAN.

BUT, UH, ANYWAY, HER LAST NAME
IS, UH, IRRELEVANT,

BECAUSE IT'S MY HOPE THAT,
UH, IF SHE'LL HAVE ME,

HER LAST NAME
WILL SOON BE STILLWELL.

(crash)

(guests murmuring)

THEY'VE BEEN HAVING
SO MUCH TROUBLE

WITH THE HELP HERE LATELY.

I'M SO SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T BE HERE.

I DON'T KNOW
WHAT I WAS THINKING.

(normal voice) YO!

IS THAT ALL YOU'VE GOT?

ONE LITTLE TRAY DUMP
AND YOU'RE TURNING TAIL?

LET'S SEE YOUR "A" GAME, BOY.
MAN UP.

UH, DEBORAH?

(Boston accent)
HERE'S THE THING--

THERE'S NOT A THING
I'D CHANGE ABOUT YOU.

REALLY? NOTHIN'?

'CAUSE I AIN'T CULTURED,
YOU KNOW,

OR RESERVED, REALLY.
(laughs nervously)

OR CEREBRAL. YOU THINK YOU CAN
PUT UP WITH A WOMAN LIKE THAT?

YOU HAD ME AT "YO."

(sniffles)

MY NAME IS DEBBIE.
I'M A MASSEUSE.

AND I MET YOUR SON

ON A BOOZE CRUISE
DOWN AT CLUB MED.

FRANCINE, I WANTED TO ASK
HOW YOUR DATE WENT

WITH MY FRIEND WALTER.

IT DIDN'T. HE CALLED
AND LEFT A MESSAGE CANCELING.

IT'S TOO BAD.
HE SOUNDS LIKE A SWEET GUY.

I JUST SAW FRANCINE--

DR. McCRAE,
YOU HAVE A VISITOR.

HI. I HEAR
YOU'RE HAVING MY BABY.

(chuckles) I HAVE TO SAY,

I-I THINK I WOULD'VE
REMEMBERED THE CONCEPTION.

(chuckles)
YOU'RE ANTHONY RUSSO?

PLEASE. UH, MY FRIENDS
CALL ME TONY.

(Claire) CLASSICS DEPARTMENT
ASSOCIATE PROFESSOR

ANTHONY RUSSO
RELOCATED TO MANHATTAN

AFTER BEING FORCED OUT
OF RAINIER STATE.

HE SOLD MOST OF HIS BOOKS
AT A USED BOOKSTORE

IN THE VILLAGE.

I SUPPOSE THAT'S HOW TREVOR
CAME INTO POSSESSION

OF THE MYTHOLOGY TEXT
IN HIS ROOM.

WHILE I'M BACK TO SQUARE ONE
IN MY SEARCH

FOR TREVOR'S TRUE IDENTITY,

HE REMAINS FOCUSED
ON HIS QUEST.

♪ I WAS SEARCHIN' ♪
♪ SEARCHIN' ♪

♪ ON A ONE-WAY STREET ♪

♪ I WAS HOPIN' ♪
♪ HOPIN' ♪

♪ FOR A CHANCE TO MEET ♪

♪ I WAS WAITIN'
FOR THE OPERATOR... ♪

IS THAT
THAT SAD DRUNK CHICK?

ALL BLISSFUL AND PAIRED UP
LIKE AN ARK ANIMAL.

HOW'D THAT HAPPEN?

♪ NO, NO, NO ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW
WHAT I'M GONNA DO ♪

(both) ♪ I GOTTA GET BACK
TO YOU ♪

♪♪

♪ GOTTA SLOW DOWN ♪
♪ SLOW DOWN ♪

♪ SWEET-TALKIN' WOMAN ♪
♪ SLOW DOWN ♪

♪ YOU GOT ME RUNNIN' ♪

WHO DO I HAVE TO PSYCHOANALYZE
AROUND HERE TO GET A DRINK?

(Debbie) ♪ SLOW DOWN ♪

SO I GUESS I KNOW WHY
YOU WERE SO ANXIOUS

TO GET ME DOWN HERE--
YOU WANTED TO GLOAT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, HUH?
WEREN'T YOU MATCHING DEBBIE

WITH THE SCION
OF A PROMINENT LOCAL FAMILY?

GEE... YOU REALLY BUNGLED
THIS ONE.

THE CONDITIONS
ON THE GROUND CHANGED.
MM.

I HAD TO WING IT.
BARKEEP?
WHERE'S THAT FREE BEER?

IT'S COMING RIGHT UP.

SHIRLEY.
ONE OF THE REGULARS HERE.

SHE TEACHES AN IMPROV CLASS
OVER AT YUCK IT UPS.

I'M THINKING ABOUT SIGNING UP.
EXPAND MY HORIZONS.

NOTHING LIKE SELF-BETTERMENT.

(both)
♪ I GOTTA GET BACK TO YOU ♪

♪ YOU GOTTA SLOW DOWN ♪
♪ SLOW DOWN ♪

THINGS SEEM TO BE GOING
PRETTY WELL.

UH... YEAH. 'CAUSE WALTER
FOLLOWED MY ADVICE.

YOUR ADVICE?
YEAH. HE TRUSTED HIS GUT.

HE DIDN'T HOLD OUT
FOR MISS THINGS-IN-COMMON.

THAT'S EXACTLY
WHAT HE DID DO.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

NAME ONE THING
THOSE TWO HAVE IN COMMON.
WORKING-CLASS BACKGROUND.

NAME TWO THINGS.
THEY REMADE THEMSELVES

TO IMPROVE
THEIR SOCIAL ECONOMIC STANDING.

LOOK, YOU MADE THE INTRODUCTION.
GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR THAT.

OH, TRUST ME, I AM.

(Walter) ♪ HOLD ON,
SWEET-TALKIN' LOVER ♪

(both) ♪ IT'S SO SAD ♪

♪ IF THAT'S THE WAY IT'S OVER ♪

(cheers and applause)