All language subtitles for The.Weight.of.Water.2018.WEBRip.x264-ION10

- We're gonna start
approaching this boil,

hold that line, just
nice calm strokes,

good thoughtful
strokes hold that line,

hold that line, fight
the spin, fight the spin.

You're good, hard left, hard
left, hard right, hard right,

hard right, hard right.

Charge, charge, left
turn, left turn,

you're good, you're
good, charge, charge!

- Dad, they don't
fit in the same bag.

- I know, they just

fit differently in the same bag.

Now I got all my, all
my gels in this bag.

Uh-oh I missed, oh no,
that's somethin' else.

Hmmm?

What?

- This is a gel.

- It is?

Let me see it.

Ah!

Okay, that's Erik Kayaker.

- Get some glasses?

- And then I'm gonna stay home,

and I'm gonna send
this guy in my stead.

Is that cool?

- Here you go.

Put some glasses on him?

Why is the neck so huge?

We're gonna keep Erik home.

- Little Erik is ready to go.

All right, so one side of me

is very sad because
I'm leaving my family,

leaving my wife, leaving
my kids, but I'm also ready

to go because I've been
training for a long time,

I've been kayaking for six
years I mean its time to go.

Sure about this?

- Has
anyone told you Erik,
that your shirts inside out?

- Is it?

- Yes.
- Oh.

- Well we can put the
boat up first and then you can--

- No, I can't.

- All right.

- It's annoying.

- This is my
second catch in like a week.

- I first met Erik on a trip.

We had a bunch of blind
and sighted youth,

kids that were kinda coming
down on their adventure

and Erik was kinda the
mentor of that group.

And throughout the trip, you
know we thought it would be fun

to just get in the ducky
and play around so I started

tooting a whistle for Erik
and he'd follow me through

and, and we had a lot of fun.

It was great.

And uh, you know it's
like, this is cool!

And I remember floating
one point downstream

with Erik after a rapid
just side by side, you know

and chattin' and,

the idea came up
like, "Man we should,

"you should come kayak the
whole Grand Canyon some time."

And that sounded
like a great idea.

All right, it's actually
happening, you guys.

Whoo!

We're going on a river trip.

I know, it's hard to believe.

Um, so you guys I just
kinda wanted to talk about-

- The Grand
Canyon is Harlan's home,

so he feels so comfortable
in this environment.

And it's really cool to
see somebody like that,

in a way, he's like
a, like a river Yoda.

- Then you guys, we can,

let's uh haul our boats
down a little bit and we

can spread out a little bit.

Here ya go bud, I'll take
ya over to your boat.

- Thanks.

- I'll let ya get naked
and then I'll come back.

- Okay.

- I'll grab your paddle.

- All right.

- And wanna sorta flip

this around so here in the
front, so I'll have you spin.

Keep going, little bit further.

Yep.

- Do you want me to lead?
- Sure.

- All right.

- I just, I mean
you got the bow.

A small lap, okay?

Just I say, you
don't wanna go, okay.

- Up to you, bro.

- Uh, Erik, why
don't you go left.

Left a little further.

- Yeah.

- And right down to the water.

Perfect.

At the water's edge.

Hey, Erik?

I've got your, uh helmet here.

Now is this the one with
the new, oh guess what?

There's no headset.

Oh no here it is.

- Yeah there's a headset,
its tucked in there, yeah.

- So Erik, did you guys

figure out the uh, helmets.

- Yeah.

- Cool.

- Yeah, is yours attached?

- Yep, I'm attached.

I'm gonna get dressed and
then we can turn this thing

on and see how it works.

- Harlan always
wear a collared shirt

underneath his dry jacket.

- You always wear a collared
shirt to the office, don't ya?

- How you feeling?

- Really good man.

I feel great.

- Been running around.

- Yeah, that's good.

This is, this is, you know
the nice thing about this

right now thought is, you
shove off of here, and then

we're packed this is
what we do, right?

- Yeah.

- We're in our element.

This is what we've
been training for.

- Good luck, you guys!

- Yeah we're
doing it, fellas.

We're in the Grand Canyon.

- The Grand
Canyon white water

is very unique because
of it's sheer volume.

You get these massive
hydraulics, you get boils

and whirlpools.

The Colorado River running
through the Grand Canyon

is known for big iconic rapids.

These rapids are spaced
out intermittently,

and in between them are
these long, calm sections,

these long pools.

The biggest of all of
these rapids is Lava Falls.

A lotta people get offline
and they make big mistakes

in Lava because you can't
really see where you're going.

It's a lot of anticipation
leading up to each rapid.

- Small left.

Perfect.

Small right.

Small right again.

- Hearing Harlan's voice,

it goes beyond just
information, like this

soothing voice is
there that's saying,

"I'm right here next to you."

- There you go,
nice easy forward strokes,

nothing too hard right here.

Perfect.

Perfect, small left,

just nice and loose, be, let
it be keep clear and calm

in the moment.

Clear calm head creates
nice, decisive, good action.

- The beginning
rapids are less intimidating.

The Grand Canyon has this nice

build towards these massive
rapids in the inner gorge.

- We're doing good
we're lined up perfectly.

So we're going to be
entering the tongue here.

Nice forward paddles now.

Hold that line, we're kinda
coming into a bigger waves.

- I mapped
this place, I know each day.

I know where the big rapids
are, I've studied 'em.

Horn, and Granite and
Hermit leading all

the way up to the granddaddy
of them all, which is Lava.

And even though I've just
started, Lava's never

out of my mind.

It's always there at the edge.

I got invited to this
recreational program,

and my dad would drive
me like three hours

up to this program.

And once a month they
would take us out

doing different sports.

They'd take us
canoeing, and sailing

and tandem biking and
one weekend they took us

rock climbing.

And I was climbing up this
beautiful granite face,

and I couldn't see the rock
but I could use my hands

and my feet as my eyes.

And I could feel all of
the little, like patterns,

all of the little features in
the rock and it was so wild

because it was like,
sorta connecting the dots,

like this, sorta puzzle that
I couldn't see but I could,

I could sort of figure
out how to decipher it

with my hands.

It's just full on
engagement and I got to the

top of that rock face and I
just remember thinking that

this is the opposite of what

I thought blindness
would be like.

It was probably in my late 20s

that I started
thinking about Everest.

It's not like in the movies
where like, you go climbing

the first time, and then
you're like, "I'm gonna stand

"on the top of Everest someday."

You know, it's,
it's a long process.

When I got to Everest,

I felt in over my
head most of the time.

- Okay
if anything happens

just take a big deep
breath, all right?

- Too far, too far.

- It's a
narrow ladder, Erik.

- Like that.

And some guy, this dude
Sandy came in today.

He didn't know I was in the
tent, he didn't know I was

sitting right here, and he
goes, "Well, you guys are

"gonna have a hell of a time
getting the blind guy up there.

"You guys have your
work cut out for ya."

- What'd that make
you feel like, Erik?

- Um.

Half of me thought, "Oh shit.

"It must be really hard."

The other half of me said,
"I'm gonna prove him wrong."

- That's the spirit.

We're gonna do it, Erik.

- All right.

- [Rob We'll pull--

- I needed to
kinda really force myself

to believe that this
thing was possible.

- Good job
buddy, you did it!

You did it.

You proved everybody wrong.

- Okay.

- Dude, how's it feel?

- I feel good now.

So I'm on that high--

- Congratulations!

- Thank you.

When one of my teammates
pulls me aside,

and he said, "Hey
Erik do me a favor.

"Don't let this mountain
be the greatest thing

"you ever do."

What else is there?

Like where do I go from here?

- It's plenty deep.
- Okay.

- Let me have your hand.

- All right.
- Now I want you to go

all the way as far as you
can, and then snap up.

How's that feel?

- Cold.

- Go for it.

- One, two, three.

- Erik asked me to
teach him how to roll

and I had no idea it was
gonna lead to other things.

Um, started kayaking rivers.

- Start
paddling forward,

we're gonna do an eddy
peel out, good good.

Stay with it, no not yet!

Little further,
and eddy peel out.

We're gonna do the
rooster tail this time.

Hold that line.

Paddle forward, small
right, left, small left.

Sorry.

Good.

Hold that line, hold
that line, small right.

Charge!

- When you flip
over in your kayak,

your basic instinct

is just to pull that spray
skirt and swim for your life,

you gotta try to roll.

You're way safer inside
your boat than you are

out of your boat.

But when I would flip
over I would just panic.

How come I started having
unsettled stomach problems,

as soon as it seemed to coincide

when I started
learning to kayak?

- Now this
feels like a river trip!

- Wow, look at that.

- Is that you?

- I'd just like a
hot shower right now.

Come feel this.

- Erik?

Here, in this area

is okay, not the greatest.

- This is a table.

- What's
pass this, up here?

Here we go.

Ammo can.
- Tell her we're
supposed to go this way now.

- Miscellany.
- Miscellaneous.

That's my water bottle.

- Look at this tiny little
thing, that's worthless.

- All right.

- When I
started thinking about kayaking,

I was almost 40 years old.

Everything, rivers were
just so different from

mountains, I thought, "This
is a really vulnerable

"spot, where you're like
actually trying to embark on

"something brand new,

"and I don't know
if I have it in me."

I remember standing

on the river that first time,
listening to the rapids,

thinking, "I climbed Mt. Everest

"so why am I so fucking scared?"

- Slide slide slide.

All right.

Nice.

- Sometimes I don't
know why I stick with this.

Partly it's because
of my friends.

They're not seeing this
like little blind guy

squirming in the corner,
they're seeing something else

and I wanna be that
thing they see.

- Right turn again,

okay forward paddle.

There's gonna be
one hit down here

at the bottom I'll
tell you about.

Nice easy forward.

Hold that line, charge on that.

Fight that spin.

There you go.

Steadying out, fight that spin.

- There
are days I was learning,

you know in a thousand
hours of preparation.

When I was flailing and
bleeding and slamming into

rocks and swimming
through these rapids.

I think it fed my ego to
be the only blind kayaker

out of seven billion
people on Earth.

Then I learned about Lonnie.

- Yeah, go go go!

Whoo!

Yeah baby!

Okay, you got the right speed?

- Yeah.

- Hard left, hard left.

On me, on me.

- As long as I can roll up
as many times as I roll down,

I'm golden.

- Fair enough.

- Chris and
Seth and I met the summer

for the first time.

I don't know how
they stay with me
when I screw up but they do.

- Lonnie!

Sometimes I think I push them

a little bit out of
their comfort zone,

if I'm trying a few things.

But uh, so far it's worked.

- Lonnie.

- I mean bluntly kayaking
is a dangerous sport

but you know for
anyone who can see.

There's things that can
suck you down and hold

you there until you, you drown.

You can smash into rocks.

And you can get flipped over
and smash your head against

an under water rock, you
could get knocked out

and be floating down
the river unconscious.

And then all that stuff
is just multiplied,

when you can't see
any of it coming.

I've slammed into some
walls and things like that

so, I, I don't really
like to do that, so yeah.

- You don't like to
go careening into rock walls?

- I've slammed into
a few walls, yeah.

Just like, dented
my helmet, you know.

And it's like I, it's almost
good that you don't know

it's coming, you know?

'Cause then you just
like bounce off.

- Yeah.

- And roll over and ahen
hopefully roll back up, but.

- Hey Erik,
where you at man?

- I'm right here.

- High,
high five paddles.

Talk to me.

- All right hold on.

- Here we
come, I'm comin'.

- Talk, talk,
talk, talk, talk.

- Talk,
talk, talk talk, yeah!

- One more time.

One, two, three.

- Whoo!

- Lower, lower.

- Lower
lower, okay hold on.
- One, two, three.

- Nope I
didn't get close to ya.

I gotta get closer, let
me turn back around.
- One, two, three.

- There ya are.

- That's lame,
hold on a second.

Once I got over the
shock of not being

the only blind
kayaker in the world,

I thought, " I really
like this guy."

And so I invited him
on the expedition.

You never know what to
believe with Lonnie,

when he told us that
he had gone blind in

a hunting accident,

he said he was hunting
with Dick Cheney.

And it turned out that
was actually true,

except the Dick Cheney part.

His friend heard a noise,
they were in thick bushes,

he rolled around and shot him.

Lonnie still has lead
pellets all in his skin, I,

I've actually felt the
pellets under there.

- I used to make money
cuttin' firewood for people,

and uh, you know cuttin'
wood around the home

and everything else so.

So it's nice to be able
to feel comfortable

comin' out here and just
doin' stuff I used to do.

Like, I'm not near as fast,
the lengths aren't right,

the angles, but still,

you know I can do it.

I was out at the, the
Disabled American Veterans

Winter Sports Clinic,

and the organization Team
River Runner had kayaks out

there in the pool.

So I'm like, "This,
this is cool." you know?

And uh, they called me
up and asked me if I

wanted to be able to
whitewater in a raft.

And I said, "Nah," I said,

"that would scare me
to death." you know,

and they're like, "Uh,
well you can't do a kayak,

"'cause you, you gotta do
at least a thousand rolls.

You uh, have to have
more experience."

I'm like uh, "Okay,"

well he didn't know I'd had
my kayak here on this porch

and I went, "All right."

And I took my kayak and went and

drug it down to my pond
down there the next day.

Need to practice those babies.

When I first started you
know I was just learning,

and I kinda picked it up.

Well I did 100
rolls the next day.

- God it's gigantic, it's almost
like it doesn't seem right.

That's open, there's an open,

it opens up some
where over there.

- Opens off to the left, right?
- Here take my finger.

- Yeah.

- It opens somewhere there
maybe, I mean I don't know.

- Right yeah that's
kinda what I'm thinkin'

'cause I hear people talking.

- Right.
- And then it's naturally,
definitely open up

in front of me and then--

- Yeah.

- I don't know how
far to my right.

'Bout how far to my
right do you think it is?

- It's closed um, it
seems like it's closed

all the way to like--

- I'm gonna feel
where you're at.

- It seems like its closed maybe
all the way to like, there?

- Now see, to me I would
think, yeah, I dunno.

Yeah.

Or I dunno.

- Yeah somewhere like that.

- Yeah.
But I don't know if
we're right or not.

- Lonnie and I
started kayaking separately

so we were developing
our systems

in a completely isolated way.

- I have a
guide in front of me

giving me voice commands
of left and right.

Simple commands.

And we just go by voice.

- On me, on me.

- So as we're comin'
in down the tongue

we're gonna be making an angle
from the left to the right.

- Okay.

- We're gonna ferry
into the right.

And then just above the
rock, above the big rock

in the middle of the river,
we're just kinda gonna cut

to the right, cut to the right.

- Yeah, sounds good.

- Sounds like a plan.

- Let me know
when you're ready.

- Let me hear you, uh
give some commands.

I don't really
hear you too well.

- I was talking, well I had
the mic a little ways away

from my mouth.

So, left turn, left
turn, hard right,

hard right, hard right.

Charge, charge, charge.

- Yeah they're
getting worse again.

- Yeah?

You're broken, repeat?

- What?

- Left, left,
good, hold that line,

Hold that line.

Hold that line.

Hold that line, hold that line.

Hold that line, hold that line.

Brace a left, there you go.

Hard left, right, hard
right, hard right.

Wait two hard rights,
hard rights, hard right.

- 10 feet of distance
there was nothing.

Five feet of distance
it was super loud.

- It was more like,

- Some muffles.

Oh maybe somethin'.

There we go.

- You got it?

Cool.

- It's not that loud though.

Then I can't hear.

- Is it pretty faint?

- It's terrible.

I figured messin' with Harlan's-

- Correct.
Yeah so we'll take this out
and replace it with one that we

think works, but we
don't know for sure.

Okay so it's the speaker.

So that one labels, labels
bad I gotta bad microphone.

- Yeah, there we go.

- Oh my gosh.

- Can you hear me now?

- Yeah, it's loud.

One thing about
the Grand Canyon,

is that it gets bigger and
bigger and bigger everyday,

you're experiencing
bigger and bigger rapids.

Everyday, you're waking
up and putting on wet gear

and getting in your kayak.

And everyday has a map
of a bunch of hard rapids

that you have to get through.

Day after day it's
pretty exhausting.

Only a small
percentage of the time

is actually running these
chaotic white water rapids.

Each rapid might
last 30 seconds,

maybe a minute long.

The times in between, we're
paddling from rapid to rapid

are these long calm stretches.

I like drifting down the river,

it's a time for me to
listen to the canyon walls

and bring in a lot
more information into
my mind, you know,

like I can hear the little
pour overs in the rocks,

I can feel the sun and
shade lines in the canyon

at the different times of day.

I love the peaceful
times on the river,

I think I like 'em actually
better than the rapids.

- On me, on me, hold that line.

Scorpion!

Dude there's a scorpion crawling
up the inside of my thigh.

That's an adrenaline rush.

- Yeah!

At least something in
this river can get you.

- I'm gonna drown that
little sucker outta here.

I think he's still in my boat.

We never saw him floating.

And he got me too, the inside
of my leg is totally numb.

- The one
I got scorped by,

my butt was a quarter
that, like tiny little guy.

- Fair warning guys,
check your boats for scorpions.

- Check everything.

- Here we go.

Okay, because Harlan had
to jump out of his kayak

because a scorpion was about
to bite his inner thigh

and other nether worlds,
it's time for what fellas?

- Booty beer!

- Yeah!

Yeah, get that in there.

Yeah!

Ah, drink drink drink drink!

Good job!

Yeah!

Give it up for him, guys!

- Whoo!

- Three beers.

- Oh that was excellent.

All right.

Yeah.

Yeah!

- When I was four
years old I was diagnosed

with this really rare eye
disease, retinoschisis.

And my brain just
went into denial.

I just wanted to be a kid.

I had people that
I loved who said,

"Hey, it's gonna be okay."

Not, and I appreciated
that, I loved that support,

but nobody knew.

Really.

It doesn't matter how
many people have said,

"Get ready for this
it's happening,"

like I was not ready.

It felt like I was, like
I'd gotten hit in the head

with a sledgehammer.

A week before my freshman
year in high school,

I lost the last
traces of vision.

And I wasn't like a little
bit seeing impaired,

I was blind as a bat.

Like I could not
see to take a step.

I was born into this
really great family.

My dad's a Marine pilot aviator,

just really tough,
really disciplined.

- I have a, a placard,

I send it to sons and daughters
when I think they could

use it but it's, "When things
go wrong as they sometimes

"will, and the road you're
trudging seems all uphill,

"and the funds are low and
the debts are high and you

"wanna smile, but
you have to cry.

"When care is pressing
you down a bit,

"rest if you must,
but don't you quit."

- My mom was really
loving, really soft.

Almost fragile in a way.

- His
mom, she was the one

that went into schools

and absolutely demanded
that he be schooled

like a normal kid.

So she was a real
tiger, lioness.

- I remember
listening to my brothers

out there playing basketball
as I was going blind,

and just really wanting
to be a part of that

and really sort of
angry because you know

what was I gonna do?

I couldn't catch a
baseball or anything,

and one of the things I heard
that a blind person could

do was to wrestle.

And so one day after school,

I found myself tapping
my cane down the hallway

towards that stinky, musty
wrestling room and just

signing up, and uh,

and that first day,
the captain of the team

slammed my head against
the mat so hard just

like every other
kid and I loved it,

that this is my family.

- Come on, Erik!

Whoo!

- After I went blind,

I felt like I was
stuck in this prison.

It was scary being inside
and it was also scary

trying to get out of it.

- Cool, how
you guys feelin'?

- Eh, kinda like, business.

- Business?

- Business moment.

- Yep.

Focus.

- Focus.

- I like focus, I think
that's a good word.

Downstream you guys we
have Horn Creek rapid,

it's actually the steepest
rapid in the Grand Canyon.

- All right.

- So--

- I can hear it.

- One of my favorites

down here in the Grand Canyon.

But yeah, and you know
just just be loose,

be thoughtful in your
strokes and calm and--

- Are we gonna jump in,

do you want us to jump
into that eddy down below?

You want us to--

- Oh you know we'll
probably eddy out there

and then once everybody's
through we can peel off

and celebrate and we're
all gonna just grease

our lines you know?

- There you go.

- Yeah.

- Thank you, man.

Good luck.

- Thank you, thanks, Lonnie.

- Yep, see ya man.

- All right.

- Good seeing you.

- Cool, any
questions about it?

- Nah man, sounds good.

- All right.

I'm feeling it-

- So the first uh,
when you angle in,

the first, will, will
probably be left, right?

- Yep,
so we're gonna be,

we're gonna be
running right to left-

- Yeah, okay.

- And uh, yeah.

There's actually,
there'll be a lateral

so on that left we're
gonna be kinda squaring

up to a lateral coming
off the right horn,

so there'll be a one pit there.

And then we'll have a
little bit of slack water,

so we'll push through that.

Yeah.

- Yeah, okay.

- On me.

On me.

Hard right, hard
right, hard right.

Hard right, hard right, paddle,

on me, on me, on
me, on me, on me.

We're just about to
enter the tongue here,

hold that line,

small left,

small left,

hold that line,

let that current take you
a little bit, perfect,

hold that line.

Hold that line,
charge a little bit,

couple laterals
here, small left,

left, there you
go hold that line.

Charge!

Hard left, hard left!

Perfect!

Good job, brother!

You have the beach about
10 feet in front of ya.

And five feet, and there
she is right there.

- Touchdown, thanks.

- One of the life
tragedies that you face,

uh Erik was at wrestling
camp and his mom

was in a car accident.

I walked onto the
edge of the mat

and he knew that it was
his dad and he said,

"Dad, dad!

"Where are ya?"

He said, "you know the
tournaments not until Saturday."

And then I had to tell
him that his mom had died.

So that was a, that
was a huge blow to him.

- Losing my mom was
the definition of pain,

like so painful, uh
that you know you wonder

how your body goes forward.

How your heart keeps ticking.

- Not long after that

he went totally, blindness
at the same time.

Blindness and losing your
mom, and I've thought many

times about the fact
that that would uh,

destroy many people, right?

I never figured out why
it didn't destroy him.

- Wait wait wait, oh.

- Nice.

The way people
react to bad things

is that they shut down and
they build a lotta crust

around themselves and
I, I'm the first person

who does that, and yet
something keeps nagging

at me telling me that
that's, you know, to build up

that crust is the, the
exact wrong thing to do.

Lay it open, and
that's where like,

that's where the great
stuff happens in your life.

The river isn't really alive,
but it has a strong character.

Some rapids are big and
friendly and big waves,

and some are really violent,

like going into a boxing
match, you just get stomped.

So, it's uh, easy to
think about the canyon

and the rapids as sort of
having a life and energy.

Each rapid you wanna do well,

you know you wanna, you wanna
squeak through the gauntlet.

But now I hear something below,
it's hard to know exactly

what it is.

And so, it just like gets that
little tingle in your belly,

and you're like, okay,
what is that ahead?

- Small left,
there hold that line.

We're still about 150 feet away.

- There's always
that potential chance

that the river takes me away,
or washes me one direction

and him the other direction
or I flip upside down.

And that, and that is
a very stark reality.

Never before have
I felt so, adamant

that I have to be upright.

I have to be upright
and be you know aware

of what's going on.

- Hold that
line, left turn.

Hold that line.

Right turn, hard right,
hard right, hard right.

- Small right?

- And hard left, there you go.

Eddying out, fight that
spin, there you go,

good job buddy, good job.

- When I first met Erik,

I think the thing that drew
me to him and being involved

on this project the
most was not necessarily

kayaking the Grand
Canyon with a blind guy,

but we were both given
uncertainties at a young age.

It's definitely
interesting that several

of my pivotal moments in my
life have happened with water.

My mom had been taking
us on river trips

since I was probably
three years old.

This is a bunch of
old random photos,

this is my first waterfall
I ever dropped kayak.

Up in Oregon, middle of
winter freezing cold.

So this is me, probably
when I was three or four,

and then this is
my sister Marika

and then my dad his name is
Guerin, his name was Guerin.

He died when I was seven
and he was 41, I believe?

So he was probably my age.

After my dad died
I got really quiet

and didn't say much
for a couple years.

I think I lost myself in
a way, I, I didn't process

the grieving or the loss at all.

Finding my dad dead in a
bathtub with water spraying

on his face, not being able
to pull him out of the water.

I remember just feeling totally
fucking helpless, you know?

Big 250-pound sack
of muscle and guy

laying in a bathtub,

and not being able to
really know what to do.

I think that is something
I carried on with me

for quite a while.

There's the, a part
of you you know

that wants to live and
survive and continue on,

but I, I think for some
reason my relationship

with water has always
felt um, like it's okay.

I'm haunted by water.

- You know,
I'd always thought

of Harlan as indestructible.

You know, he's like a superhero.

But, I don't think you can
ever really truly see a person.

You know, see past that armor.

To this kid that's just
sitting there helpless

and shattered and

speechless.

You know?

Feeling the weight of
that water on his soul.

It's not lost on me
that after his dad died,

he had to find his own way
out of that deep well of

despair just to find
that voice again and,

that's the voice that's
carrying us down the river.

- Whoo!

- If you
break down things like Lava,

you realize it's two minutes.

It's two minutes, and I
can handle two minutes.

I'm really trying to
block that out of my mind

right now, 'cause
that's several days away

and I'm not just gonna
sit and harp on it.

It's a miserable sort of way
to do it, it's not healthy

for my brain.

Like the Khumbu Icefall
that's 2,000 foot jumbled up
section

of boulders of ice of like
every size imaginable.

I remember feeling
panicked you know,

just like um, "I'm
gonna be trapped

"in this landscape forever."

It, and so it was after
getting beat up by the Icefall

many times, that I realized
that I was kind of going

through the motions.

That I wasn't really believing
that I could stand on top.

- It's gonna be a long
fall if you stay like that.

- I can't hear ya, what?

- Stand up.

- Stand up.

- It's so hard to be
fully in the moment

when you're on that mountain,

because there's so much fear,
there's so much anxiety.

And all that stuff becomes
like a layer between you

and the mountain.

Harlan has this really
deep affinity to the river.

He experiences the river
in such an honest way

and I want to experience
it that way too.

I keep feeling like I'm
letting myself down somehow,

because I'm not in the
state that Harlan is in.

It's like a person
looking through a window

at an experience rather than
being in the experience.

I slept till like maybe30,

and then just couldn't fall
asleep and just laid there

listening to the, to
Nevill rapid out there.

It's kinda loud.

- I'm getting ready to run
through this little rapid here,

uh gonna try it solo.

The only thing I'm gonna
want from these guys is

to tell me going in, if you
know I split the sound of

the big roar, or if I keep
it off to one side or the

other going in.

And then I'm just gonna
try to feel the waves,

and see if I can roll
right down through.

- Tell me about that
run, how was that?

- It was independence, man.

- Uh-huh.

- You know, and uh, uh,

I don't know.

I know you know
the feeling of uh,

well that's one of the harder
things of not being able

to see is losing that freedom
and total independence

and that's uh, just a
small moment of just--

- Yeah.

- It's just good, you know?

- Just going down by
feel that's super cool.

- Yeah, yeah.

So, uh--

- Nice, well good job.

- Yeah, yeah thank you, man.

Appreciate it.

- Ooh, and your
T-shirtin' it too.

- Yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Seth what is it, sun's out
guns out kinda stuff, man?

Yeah, thanks bud.

- Hold on a second
though, you gotta go--

- Yeah I gotcha, I gotcha.

- We gotta go.

- Gotta go, oh yeah,
gotta roll huh?

- All right now you're,
now you're better.

- Yeah, yeah, but
I aint got the guns

you got so there
you go, you know?

But you got the guns out,
I's got the chicken wings so.

- There's a rapid called
Upset and it's uh,

kind of a big one.

And uh, some people
say it's fun.

Hope that's the case.

- Hey, Har.

- Thank you.

Eating your porridge?

- Yeah.

- I'm gonna go
get some porridge.

- Yeah, porridge is
good breakfast 'cause
it goes down easy.

- When you're tummy's
upset above Upset--

- Yeah, sausage before Upset
is just not, not flying.

- No.

Well how 'bout this--

- A big meaty sausage.

- I'll put some in
your pants for later

and you can have it after Upset.

- Thanks, I'll slide
it in my pocket.

- You can
have some pocket meat.

- Well, I mean I can
hear some loud waves
right down there.

Um, I think maybe that's on
the right side, right Harlan?

We'll maybe miss that stuff.

- Yeah.
- That loud noise there,
some little pour overs isn't it?

- Yeah.

So just like we
were talking about,

you know you pointed out you
heard something over there

so we're gonna
stay off the wall.

- Yeah.

- But we also kinda
wanna be moving

almost towards the wall
to get away from that,

there's a hole at the bottom.

- Yeah.

- How you feel
about Upset, Lonnie?

- Nice, on
me, on me, on me.

On me, on me.

On me.

On me.

On me.

On me.

Very nice.

Keep comin', keep comin'.

Keep comin', keep
comin', keep comin'.

- Dude you came so freaking
close, to this monster hole.

- Hold that line.

Hold that line.

Little bigger waves here, hold
that line and small right.

Right turn, hold that line,
hold that line, charge.

Hold that line, hold that
line, charge, charge.

Hold that line, small
right, hold that line,

charge, charge, charge,
small right, hold that line,

right turn, then left turn.

One left, perfect,
brother perfect,

hold that line and
we're almost through it.

Hold that line, hold that
line, you're perfect,

you're perfect,
you're good, brother.

Nice job, E.W.

Perfect.

Good job.

You're doing it,
like you're doing it,

like we, we've talked about it,

it's our little mantra
above the rapid, right?

Like, be clear, calm and
precise in your action

and be at peace in where
you are in the moment.

And then at that moment,

that just allows you to
let everything else go.

You know and I think
seeing you harness that,

I mean I, it freakin'
brings tears to my eyes

'cause it's amazing.

You know, it's
like, that I think

is you reaching this
next level of the sport.

That's something that I've
had to learn how to harness,

now I get to share it with
you and seeing that you're,

you're letting it
in is really cool.

- I've dry heaved several
times this morning,

when I think about it.

- Yeah.

You said you didn't,
didn't eat so.

Have you ate yet?

- You know I think
a lot about Lava

and it's starting to
weigh a lot of my mind,

consume a lot of
space in my mind.

And I can get sort of
down in thinking about,

oh you know, so many
things could go wrong.

But then I think, gosh
it's just another rapid,

you know, I just gotta
execute and do what I've done

in the past.

- Forgot how far it
is, we gotta go a ways.

- So as we're coming
in the green water,

we're gonna meet what
I call the slick,

and it's kinda right
where the eddy line meets.

- Mm-hmm.

- And we're just gonna
kinda hug that eddy line.

We're not gonna, it's not
gonna mess with us too much,

'cause we're gonna be pointed
kinda right down the stream.

Um--

- Pointed right down?

Uh-huh.

- Pretty much.

And then when we kinda start
getting close to the rapid,

there's some boils that kinda
start to form, and the boils

are gonna feel like it's
kinda surfing us one way

or the other.

- Could the two entry
ways knock you over?

- Uh no, no two entry
ways you'll be fine on.

If it does tip ya, just
you know again nice

and calm in the moment,
just be where you are,

focus on nothing else but
just setting up for that roll.

Nail your roll, and then
be listening for commands

and we'll get ya, we'll get
through those tail waves.

And then it'll be done.

- All right.

- Charge, charge,
charge, charge, charge.

All right, E.W.

How you feeling, buddy.

- Good.

- Just find that feeling,

remember that feeling is
harnessing everything,

nice calm breaths.

Bring everything in
right here right now,

we're in the moment.

Nothing else matters,
just kayaking.

Clear, calm precise
thoughts and actions.

Whenever you're ready, buddy,

we'll just take some forward
strokes into the current.

Small left, there you go.

Hold that line.

Have a good one, fellas.

Small right, there you
go, hold that line.

Small right again, hold that
line, another small left,

okay hold that line.

So we're still about
100 yards above here,

some nice calm water.

And I will speak
up in that rapid.

Small left, hold that line.

Small left.

Hold that line.

Getting closer to that first
slick I told you about.

So we're still in green
water, still in green water.

We're gonna start approaching
this boil, hold that line.

Just nice calm strokes.

Good thoughtful strokes, hold
that line, little boil line,

fight the spin, fight the spin.

- You're good, hard left,
hard left, hard right,

hard right, hard right, hard
right, hard right, hard right,

charge, charge, left turn,
left turn, you're good.

That's good, charge, charge.

You're good, you're
good, hard right!

You're good, buddy, you're
on me, you're on me.

Go around to the
back of my boat.

- All right will you
help me so it's all right?

- Now go to Timmy,
I'm right behind you.

- I had a shitty run.

I flipped.

- That's all right, buddy,
we're good we're good.

- I flipped on that boil
line right at the very top,
what a joke.

- Ah, but we knew,
didn't knew line,

I mean you got lined up
down at the bottom and...

That stinks.

My paddle broke in that, right
when we hit that last wave,

my paddle broke.

Ended up going up without,
without half a paddle,

bird-winging it.

Come here, buddy.

Give me a hug, we
fuckin' did it buddy.

You did it.

Yeah.

Good job, you know
I'm proud of you,

you rolled up in one
of the cruxiest places

you can roll up in this river.

It's at the top of Lava Falls.

- You wanted to see
me swim, didn't ya?

- Maybe I did.

- You know you get the
idea that you start out

on this big journey
and you commit to it.

You surround yourself
with this amazing team

and you push forward, and
then reality crashes in.

And you're swimming through
Lava like a drowned rat.

I don't know,

you know, you just, you
know, you just keep getting

flipped and then it starts
to, kind of uh, mess with

you, you know what I mean?

So you're like wondering
if you're like offline

or something like that.

- Yeah.

- And then I just
couldn't breathe.

- Yeah.

- I pulled.

And then literally I pulled
and I was through it.

- Yep.

Yeah.

- I was through it.

There was nothing, nothing left.

Blind five.

- Blind five.

There you go.

Yeah, it was uh--

- All right, I should get my
booty beer over with here.

- I pour it fast, and you know--

- Booty!

- It's comin' in.

- Wait.
- It's gotta go in first.

- What's got the--

- It's gotta be
run into the booty.

- Yeah yeah yeah.

Got it.

- Got the beer, hold on.

- Yeah, booty!

- And there is a
little whiskey deal on there.

- Okay, there you go.

- Little skip of
whiskey, there it is.

And now down it!

- Drink, drink,
drink, drink, drink!

- Wow!

Dude.

Nice work.

- He didn't
spill a drop.

- Yeah, you
didn't spill a drop.

- You'll
never swim again.

- I'm probably
not supposed to say this,

but I honestly I hate it
when people tell me anything

is possible.

You know barriers,
they're not like imagined,

they're not perceived.

They're real, they're real
things with real substance

and they actually hurt a lot.

Part of me wants
to keep on going

and just never look back
at this thing ever again.

Maybe I just go back, and
I, and I finish the circle.

I, I finish this thing
and I do it fully.

Not like, with just
giving into myself.

If I have another,
another disaster

and I swim through Lava I
can live with that as long

as I, I did this thing fully.

- Erik pulled me aside

when he didn't
successfully run Lava,

he swam Lava.

And he pulled me
aside and he asked me,

"What would be the possibility

"if I wanted to run Lava again?"

We're gonna be paddling upstream

for quite a while, you know
up to uh the black rock,

and then we'll make
the ferry across.

He said, "Well if we do this,

"who do you think
should come with us?"

And I said, I said, "Your team."

I said, "Your team.

"All of us.

"We'll go up, we'll hike up
and we'll go do it again."

- When care
is pressing you down a bit,

rest if you must.

But don't you quit.

- Just take a deep
breath and clear everything.

Just be here in the moment,
and feeling the river.

- Thanks, Harlan.

- Yeah, buddy.

Come here, man.

Thanks for letting us
be here with you, buddy.

- Thanks, Rob.

- You're welcome, bud.

Good job, buddy.

- Thanks for letting
us be here with ya.

- We'll have to come back
though, you nailed it.

- You did
buddy, good job man.

- High intensity Lava Falls.

- That's high intensity.

I didn't really wanna, like
part of me didn't really

wanna come back and
do it but I just felt

like I, I needed to and
then I sort of tossed

and turned last night
listening to Son of Lava

thinking like, "Should I do it?"

I, I tell my kids it's
the open heart policy,

just trust and, and
uh, give it a whirl.

- There we go, buddy.

- I don't
wanna understand love,

I wanna feel it.

I don't wanna understand
trust and I wanna feel it.

I wanna be exposed to things;

hard things, easy things,

beautiful things,
the kind of trust

that you have with somebody
like Harlan or Rob.

I think being exposed to
that, is what enables you

to feel it and I think it's
something I've struggled with

a lot in my life.

This experience was
this chance to live.

- This is
the geographical end
of the Grand Canyon,

so you guys are here
man, you did it.

- Well, I'm proud of
you Lonnie, good job.

- You too, buddy.

You too.

- Yeah.

It's awesome, man.

Harlan, great guiding too.

- Yeah thank you guys.

Thank you for letting
me be a part of it.

- And six years ago,
long time but I remember

when I first came down
here and I scouted Lava

and I remember thinking, I
don't know if I can do this.

So we're through it, we did it.

- Yeah, you know
it's uh, I gotta say.

I can't imagine doing
it with someone I have

anymore respect for.

- Good job, you guys.

Small right, hold that line.

Hold that line, about 10
feet to the beach, buddy,

small left, and there's
the beach right--

- The beach!

Awe.

- Like a one foot
step up right there.

Flat on top.

- Hi, Daddy.
- Hi, little buddy.

- What?

You guys are crazy.

- No, you're wet.

- That is a surprise.

- 277 miles, buddy.

- 278 miles.