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1
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[♪]
2
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Oh, hi.
3
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A hundred episodes.
4
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That's a lot.
5
00:00:35,599 --> 00:00:38,132
During the course of which
George, Elaine, Kramer, and I
6
00:00:38,165 --> 00:00:42,332
have had many experiences,
both positive and negative.
7
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Well, mostly negative.
8
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There have been
some relationships
9
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that haven't worked out.
10
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Ambitions that were
unfulfilled.
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Hopes dashed.
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Some property damage.
Hurt feelings.
13
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I know one guy got deported.
14
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I know one guy got deported.
15
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Physical injury and...
16
00:00:57,732 --> 00:01:00,065
all right,
maybe even a death or two.
17
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But we've persevered,
because we're people.
18
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Real TV people.
19
00:01:05,932 --> 00:01:08,032
And for 30 minutes a week,
20
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that's pretty important to us.
21
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So if you're joining us late,
22
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here's some highlights
from what's happened so far.
23
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Why don't they have salsa
on the table?
24
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What do you need salsa for?
25
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Salsa is now the number-one
condiment in America.
26
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Do you know why?
27
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Because people like
to say "salsa."
28
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Because people like
to say "salsa."
29
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Excuse me.
Do you have any salsa?
30
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We need more salsa.
Where's the salsa? No salsa?
31
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You know, it must be
impossible for
a Spanish person
32
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to order seltzer
and not get salsa.
33
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I wanted seltzer, not salsa.
34
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Don't you know the difference
between seltzer and salsa?
35
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You have the seltzer
after the salsa.
36
00:01:46,432 --> 00:01:49,032
See? This should be the show.
This is the show.
37
00:01:49,932 --> 00:01:51,032
What?
38
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This. Just talkin'.
39
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Yeah. Right.
40
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Yeah. Right.
41
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No, I'm really serious.
I think that's a good idea.
42
00:02:00,532 --> 00:02:03,799
Just talking?
Well, what's the show about?
43
00:02:03,832 --> 00:02:05,232
It's about nothing.
44
00:02:05,265 --> 00:02:07,265
What's that red dot
on your sweater?
45
00:02:09,699 --> 00:02:11,532
Hey, didn't we come in
over there?
46
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I thought we came in
over there.
47
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I'm out.
48
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What?
49
00:02:25,234 --> 00:02:26,632
What?
50
00:02:26,665 --> 00:02:30,399
Yeah, I'm out.
I'm out of the contest.
51
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No story?
52
00:02:32,099 --> 00:02:33,399
No, forget the story.
53
00:02:33,432 --> 00:02:34,999
But we gotta have a story.
54
00:02:35,032 --> 00:02:36,399
Who says you gotta
have a story?
55
00:02:36,432 --> 00:02:39,699
[PLAYING SLOW, ELEGANT MELODY]
56
00:02:48,332 --> 00:02:49,399
[LAUGHS]
57
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Four.
Seinfeld.
58
00:02:51,399 --> 00:02:52,665
Four?
59
00:02:52,699 --> 00:02:54,832
That will be five,
ten minutes.
60
00:02:54,865 --> 00:02:55,234
Boy, do you smell
something?
61
00:02:55,234 --> 00:02:56,232
Boy, do you smell
something?
62
00:02:56,265 --> 00:02:57,465
Do I smell something?
63
00:02:57,499 --> 00:02:59,165
What am I,
hard of smelling?
64
00:02:59,199 --> 00:03:00,799
What is it?
65
00:03:00,832 --> 00:03:02,732
I think it's BO.
66
00:03:02,765 --> 00:03:05,665
And who's on the show?
Who are the characters?
67
00:03:05,699 --> 00:03:07,232
I could be a character.
68
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You?
69
00:03:08,599 --> 00:03:09,832
Yeah, you base
a character on a me.
70
00:03:09,865 --> 00:03:11,232
It's come to my attention
71
00:03:11,265 --> 00:03:12,865
that you
and the cleaning woman
72
00:03:12,899 --> 00:03:15,399
have engaged in
sexual intercourse
73
00:03:15,432 --> 00:03:17,265
on the desk
in your office.
74
00:03:20,932 --> 00:03:22,165
Who said that?
75
00:03:22,199 --> 00:03:23,432
She did.
76
00:03:24,765 --> 00:03:25,234
Was that wrong?
77
00:03:25,234 --> 00:03:26,499
Was that wrong?
78
00:03:26,532 --> 00:03:29,399
Should I not
have done that?
79
00:03:29,432 --> 00:03:31,499
I tell you, I gotta plead
ignorance on this thing,
80
00:03:31,532 --> 00:03:33,899
because if anyone had said
anything to me at all
81
00:03:33,932 --> 00:03:35,399
when I first started here,
82
00:03:35,432 --> 00:03:39,565
that that sort of thing
was frowned upon...
83
00:03:39,599 --> 00:03:41,399
And who else is on the show?
84
00:03:41,432 --> 00:03:42,932
Elaine could be a character.
85
00:03:44,432 --> 00:03:46,332
I wonder what happened
to my fiancé?
86
00:03:46,365 --> 00:03:48,232
I know he's
here somewhere.
87
00:03:48,265 --> 00:03:51,999
I have lost my fiancé,
the poor baby.
88
00:03:52,032 --> 00:03:53,099
[LAUGHS]
89
00:03:55,099 --> 00:03:55,234
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
90
00:03:55,234 --> 00:03:57,765
[AUSTRALIAN ACCENT]
Maybe the dingo ate your baby.
91
00:03:58,932 --> 00:04:00,832
What?
92
00:04:00,865 --> 00:04:03,665
The dingo ate your baby!
93
00:04:04,765 --> 00:04:06,065
Kramer.
94
00:04:06,099 --> 00:04:08,065
Now, he's a character.
[LAUGHS] Yeah.
95
00:04:08,099 --> 00:04:10,599
The bus is outta control!
96
00:04:11,832 --> 00:04:13,332
So I grab him
by the collar,
97
00:04:13,365 --> 00:04:15,499
I take him out of the seat,
I get behind the wheel,
98
00:04:15,532 --> 00:04:17,499
now I'm drivin' the bus.
99
00:04:19,065 --> 00:04:20,165
You're Batman.
100
00:04:20,199 --> 00:04:21,899
Yeah, yeah. I am Batman.
101
00:04:21,932 --> 00:04:24,999
Then the mugger, he comes to,
and he starts chokin' me!
102
00:04:25,032 --> 00:04:25,234
So I'm fightin' him off
with one hand,
103
00:04:25,234 --> 00:04:27,032
So I'm fightin' him off
with one hand,
104
00:04:27,065 --> 00:04:30,065
and I kept drivin' the bus
with the other, you know.
105
00:04:30,099 --> 00:04:31,632
Then I managed
to open up the door,
106
00:04:31,665 --> 00:04:33,999
and I kicked him out the door,
you know, with my foot,
107
00:04:34,032 --> 00:04:35,632
you know, at the next stop!
108
00:04:35,665 --> 00:04:37,899
You kept makin'
all the stops?
109
00:04:37,932 --> 00:04:40,665
Well, people kept ringin'
the bell!
110
00:04:42,599 --> 00:04:45,165
So everybody I know
is a character on the show?
111
00:04:45,199 --> 00:04:46,232
Right.
112
00:04:46,265 --> 00:04:47,632
My wallet's gone!
113
00:04:47,665 --> 00:04:49,399
My wallet's gone!
114
00:04:49,432 --> 00:04:50,565
Jerry!
115
00:04:50,599 --> 00:04:51,865
Uncle Leo.
116
00:04:51,899 --> 00:04:53,065
Hello!
117
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How could you?
118
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How could I what?
119
00:04:55,234 --> 00:04:55,632
How could I what?
120
00:04:55,665 --> 00:04:58,832
You were making out
during Schindler's List?
121
00:04:58,865 --> 00:05:01,399
How long does it take
to find a bra?
122
00:05:01,432 --> 00:05:03,565
What's goin' on
in there?!
123
00:05:03,599 --> 00:05:05,299
You ask me to get
a pair of underwear,
124
00:05:05,332 --> 00:05:08,232
I'm back
in two seconds.
125
00:05:08,265 --> 00:05:11,165
You know about
the, uh, cup sizes and all?
126
00:05:13,099 --> 00:05:14,732
They have different cups.
127
00:05:14,765 --> 00:05:17,799
Yeah. I-I know about the cups.
128
00:05:17,832 --> 00:05:19,265
You got the A...
129
00:05:20,432 --> 00:05:21,899
B...
130
00:05:21,932 --> 00:05:23,999
the C...
131
00:05:24,032 --> 00:05:25,065
the D...
132
00:05:25,099 --> 00:05:25,234
That's the biggest.
133
00:05:25,234 --> 00:05:26,565
That's the biggest.
134
00:05:26,599 --> 00:05:28,232
I go out for a quart of milk.
135
00:05:28,265 --> 00:05:30,465
I come home
and find my son
136
00:05:30,499 --> 00:05:34,165
treating his body
like it was an amusement park.
137
00:05:35,499 --> 00:05:39,165
I'm a United States
postal worker.
138
00:05:39,199 --> 00:05:41,032
Aren't those the guys
that always go crazy
139
00:05:41,065 --> 00:05:44,332
and come back with a gun
and shoot everybody?
140
00:05:44,365 --> 00:05:46,732
Sometimes.
141
00:05:46,765 --> 00:05:47,899
Why is that?
142
00:05:47,932 --> 00:05:50,032
Because the mail
never stops.
143
00:05:50,065 --> 00:05:51,899
Every day it piles up
more and more and more,
144
00:05:51,932 --> 00:05:53,565
and you gotta get it out.
145
00:05:53,599 --> 00:05:55,234
But the more you get out,
the more it keeps coming in.
146
00:05:55,234 --> 00:05:55,532
But the more you get out,
the more it keeps coming in.
147
00:05:55,565 --> 00:05:56,899
Then the bar-code
reader breaks,
148
00:05:56,932 --> 00:05:58,665
and it's Publishers
Clearing House day!
149
00:05:58,699 --> 00:05:59,799
All right,
all right.
150
00:05:59,832 --> 00:06:01,832
So you're sayin',
I go into NBC
151
00:06:01,865 --> 00:06:04,799
and tell them I got this idea
for a show about nothing?
152
00:06:04,832 --> 00:06:06,465
We go in to NBC.
153
00:06:06,499 --> 00:06:07,699
We?
154
00:06:07,732 --> 00:06:08,999
Since when are you a writer?
155
00:06:09,032 --> 00:06:13,999
What writer?
We're talkin' about a sitcom.
156
00:06:14,032 --> 00:06:15,732
You wanna go with me to NBC?
157
00:06:15,765 --> 00:06:17,632
Yeah. I think we really got
somethin' here.
158
00:06:17,665 --> 00:06:18,899
What do we got?
An idea.
159
00:06:18,932 --> 00:06:20,032
What idea?
160
00:06:20,065 --> 00:06:21,065
An idea for the show.
161
00:06:21,099 --> 00:06:23,199
I still don't know
what the idea is.
162
00:06:23,232 --> 00:06:24,799
It's about nothing.
163
00:06:24,832 --> 00:06:25,234
Right.
164
00:06:25,234 --> 00:06:25,999
Right.
165
00:06:26,032 --> 00:06:27,165
Everybody's doing
something.
166
00:06:27,199 --> 00:06:28,899
We'll do nothing.
167
00:06:28,932 --> 00:06:31,299
Let's go do something.
I don't wanna sit around here.
168
00:06:31,332 --> 00:06:32,899
Okay.
Wanna go get something to eat?
169
00:06:32,932 --> 00:06:34,132
Where do you
wanna go?
170
00:06:34,165 --> 00:06:37,465
I don't care.
I'm not hungry.
171
00:06:37,499 --> 00:06:39,565
We could go to one of
those cappuccino places.
172
00:06:39,599 --> 00:06:41,699
They let you just sit there.
173
00:06:41,732 --> 00:06:43,332
What are we gonna do there?
Talk?
174
00:06:44,765 --> 00:06:46,799
We could talk.
175
00:06:46,832 --> 00:06:48,899
I'll go if I don't have
to talk.
176
00:06:50,665 --> 00:06:51,732
Then we'll just sit there.
177
00:06:51,765 --> 00:06:53,899
Oh, wow. That's
the astronaut pen.
178
00:06:53,932 --> 00:06:55,234
I heard about that.
Where did you get it?
179
00:06:55,234 --> 00:06:55,865
I heard about that.
Where did you get it?
180
00:06:55,899 --> 00:06:57,565
Oh, it was a gift.
181
00:06:57,599 --> 00:06:59,532
Oh, 'cause a lot of times
I write in bed,
182
00:06:59,565 --> 00:07:02,865
and I have to turn and lean on
my elbow to make the pen work.
183
00:07:04,265 --> 00:07:05,332
Take the pen.
184
00:07:05,365 --> 00:07:06,399
Oh, no.
185
00:07:06,432 --> 00:07:07,665
Go ahead.
I couldn't.
186
00:07:07,699 --> 00:07:09,065
Come on. Take the pen.
187
00:07:09,099 --> 00:07:10,399
I can't take it.
Do me a personal favor.
188
00:07:10,432 --> 00:07:11,899
I'm not comfortable.
Take the pen!
189
00:07:11,932 --> 00:07:13,332
I cannot take it.
Take the pen!
190
00:07:13,365 --> 00:07:15,299
Are you sure?
I'm positive!
191
00:07:15,332 --> 00:07:16,699
Take the pen.
192
00:07:16,732 --> 00:07:18,199
Okay.
All right.
193
00:07:18,232 --> 00:07:20,032
Thank you very much.
Thank you.
194
00:07:20,065 --> 00:07:21,232
Gee! Boy.
195
00:07:21,265 --> 00:07:22,632
Jack, what are you doing?
196
00:07:22,665 --> 00:07:23,699
Stop it.
197
00:07:23,732 --> 00:07:24,865
Jack,
we should go.
198
00:07:27,065 --> 00:07:28,965
It was nice
meeting you.
199
00:07:28,999 --> 00:07:30,299
Mmm.
Nice to meet you.
200
00:07:30,332 --> 00:07:31,399
Thanks again,
Jack.
201
00:07:31,432 --> 00:07:32,732
Come on!
202
00:07:36,932 --> 00:07:38,432
This?
203
00:07:39,832 --> 00:07:41,299
I agreed to wear this?
204
00:07:41,332 --> 00:07:42,732
Yeah, yeah.
205
00:07:44,199 --> 00:07:45,365
Well, when did I do that?
206
00:07:45,399 --> 00:07:47,899
When we went to dinner
the other night.
207
00:07:47,932 --> 00:07:49,732
What are you, crazy?
208
00:07:49,765 --> 00:07:52,199
What were you talkin' about
when I went to the bathroom?
209
00:07:52,232 --> 00:07:53,665
I don't know.
210
00:07:53,699 --> 00:07:55,132
I couldn't understand
a word she was saying.
211
00:07:55,165 --> 00:07:55,234
I was just nodding.
212
00:07:55,234 --> 00:07:56,232
I was just nodding.
213
00:07:56,265 --> 00:07:58,399
Pow! There you go.
214
00:07:58,432 --> 00:07:59,899
Where I go?
215
00:07:59,932 --> 00:08:02,899
You mean she was asking me
to wear this ridiculous shirt
216
00:08:02,932 --> 00:08:04,732
on national TV and I said yes?
217
00:08:04,765 --> 00:08:06,232
Yes.
Yes, you said it.
218
00:08:06,265 --> 00:08:08,132
But I didn't know
what she was talking about.
219
00:08:08,165 --> 00:08:09,465
I couldn't hear her.
220
00:08:09,499 --> 00:08:10,832
Well, she asked you.
221
00:08:10,865 --> 00:08:13,799
I-I can't wear this
puffy shirt on TV.
222
00:08:13,832 --> 00:08:16,999
I mean, look at it.
It looks ridiculous.
223
00:08:17,032 --> 00:08:18,965
Well, you gotta wear it now.
224
00:08:18,999 --> 00:08:21,365
This pirate trend that
she's come up with, Jerry,
225
00:08:21,399 --> 00:08:23,399
this is gonna be
the new look for the '90s.
226
00:08:23,432 --> 00:08:25,234
You're gonna be
the first pirate.
227
00:08:25,234 --> 00:08:25,399
You're gonna be
the first pirate.
228
00:08:25,432 --> 00:08:27,899
But I don't wanna
be a pirate.
229
00:08:27,932 --> 00:08:30,399
I don't understand.
Do you have my reservation?
230
00:08:30,432 --> 00:08:31,499
Yes, we do.
231
00:08:31,532 --> 00:08:33,299
Unfortunately,
we ran out of cars.
232
00:08:33,332 --> 00:08:36,399
But the reservation
keeps the car here.
233
00:08:36,432 --> 00:08:38,732
That's why you have
the reservation.
234
00:08:38,765 --> 00:08:40,899
I know why
we have reservations.
235
00:08:40,932 --> 00:08:42,265
I don't think you do.
236
00:08:46,365 --> 00:08:49,232
If you did, I'd have a car.
237
00:08:49,265 --> 00:08:51,165
So you know how to take
the reservation.
238
00:08:51,199 --> 00:08:54,899
You just don't know how
to hold the reservation.
239
00:08:54,932 --> 00:08:55,234
And that's really
240
00:08:55,234 --> 00:08:56,399
And that's really
241
00:08:56,432 --> 00:08:59,165
the most important part
of the reservation,
242
00:08:59,199 --> 00:09:00,232
the holding.
243
00:09:00,265 --> 00:09:02,199
Anybody can just take 'em.
244
00:09:10,111 --> 00:09:13,744
I think I can sum up the show
for you with one word.
245
00:09:15,178 --> 00:09:16,444
Nothing!
246
00:09:17,944 --> 00:09:19,111
Nothing?
247
00:09:19,144 --> 00:09:20,411
Nothing!
248
00:09:20,444 --> 00:09:21,544
What does that mean?
249
00:09:21,578 --> 00:09:23,444
What did you do today?
250
00:09:23,478 --> 00:09:24,644
I got up and came to work.
251
00:09:24,678 --> 00:09:26,078
There's a show.
That's a show.
252
00:09:27,644 --> 00:09:29,044
How is that a show?
253
00:09:29,078 --> 00:09:31,311
Well, uh, m-maybe
something happens to you
254
00:09:31,344 --> 00:09:32,478
on the way to work.
255
00:09:32,511 --> 00:09:35,411
No. No. No!
Nothing happens!
256
00:09:35,444 --> 00:09:35,545
Well, something happens.
257
00:09:35,545 --> 00:09:37,578
Well, something happens.
258
00:09:37,611 --> 00:09:39,144
Well, why am I watching it?
259
00:09:39,178 --> 00:09:41,011
Because it's on TV.
260
00:09:41,811 --> 00:09:43,078
Not yet.
261
00:09:43,111 --> 00:09:45,911
[♪]
262
00:09:59,844 --> 00:10:02,311
I'm telling you,
she's good-looking.
263
00:10:02,344 --> 00:10:04,644
What about the body?
What kinda body?
264
00:10:04,678 --> 00:10:05,545
Good body.
Nice body.
265
00:10:05,545 --> 00:10:05,744
Good body.
Nice body.
266
00:10:05,778 --> 00:10:06,811
How nice?
Nice.
267
00:10:06,844 --> 00:10:07,878
Just nice?
Pretty nice.
268
00:10:07,911 --> 00:10:08,944
Really good?
269
00:10:08,978 --> 00:10:11,178
Really, very nice and good.
270
00:10:16,778 --> 00:10:17,811
What about person--?
271
00:10:17,844 --> 00:10:21,478
Good personality.
272
00:10:21,511 --> 00:10:22,578
Funny.
273
00:10:22,611 --> 00:10:24,078
Bright.
274
00:10:24,111 --> 00:10:26,044
Smarter than me? I don't want
anyone smarter than me.
275
00:10:26,078 --> 00:10:29,311
How could she be
smarter than you?
276
00:10:29,344 --> 00:10:33,644
[LAUGHING]
Oh, no, he's a really,
really funny guy.
277
00:10:33,678 --> 00:10:35,545
What does he look like?
278
00:10:35,545 --> 00:10:35,778
What does he look like?
279
00:10:35,811 --> 00:10:36,878
Pardon?
280
00:10:36,911 --> 00:10:38,611
What does he look like?
281
00:10:38,644 --> 00:10:39,911
Um...
282
00:10:39,944 --> 00:10:42,544
Well, he's got a lot of
character in his face.
283
00:10:42,578 --> 00:10:46,144
Um, he's short.
Um, he's stocky.
284
00:10:46,178 --> 00:10:47,578
He's fat.
285
00:10:47,611 --> 00:10:49,644
Is that what you're saying?
That he's fat?
286
00:10:49,678 --> 00:10:51,311
Powerful.
287
00:10:51,344 --> 00:10:52,811
He is so powerful!
288
00:10:52,844 --> 00:10:57,378
He can lift 100 pounds
right up over his head.
289
00:10:57,411 --> 00:10:58,644
And, um...
290
00:10:58,678 --> 00:10:59,811
What else? What else?
291
00:10:59,844 --> 00:11:01,611
Oh. R-- Um...
292
00:11:01,644 --> 00:11:03,044
Er-- Well...
293
00:11:03,078 --> 00:11:04,444
He's-- He's kind of,
294
00:11:04,478 --> 00:11:05,545
just kind of...ungh,
295
00:11:05,545 --> 00:11:06,244
just kind of...ungh,
296
00:11:06,278 --> 00:11:07,311
losing his hair.
297
00:11:07,344 --> 00:11:08,811
He's bald?!
298
00:11:08,844 --> 00:11:10,411
No!
299
00:11:10,444 --> 00:11:12,078
No, no, no.
300
00:11:12,111 --> 00:11:13,778
He's not bald.
301
00:11:13,811 --> 00:11:15,711
He's balding.
302
00:11:15,744 --> 00:11:17,211
So he will be bald.
303
00:11:17,244 --> 00:11:19,144
Yeah.
304
00:11:19,178 --> 00:11:21,511
Thick, lustrous hair
is very important to me.
305
00:11:28,011 --> 00:11:30,078
"Thick, lustrous hair
is very important to me."
306
00:11:30,111 --> 00:11:31,144
Is that what you said?
307
00:11:31,178 --> 00:11:32,244
Yeah, that's right.
308
00:11:32,278 --> 00:11:34,644
Just clarifying.
309
00:11:34,678 --> 00:11:35,545
Lemme ask you this.
310
00:11:35,545 --> 00:11:35,811
Lemme ask you this.
311
00:11:41,311 --> 00:11:43,778
If you stick your hand
in the hair,
312
00:11:43,811 --> 00:11:46,244
is it easy to get it out?
313
00:11:49,178 --> 00:11:50,944
Do you wanna be able
to get it out,
314
00:11:50,978 --> 00:11:53,911
or do you wanna not be able
to get it out?
315
00:11:53,944 --> 00:11:55,311
I'd like to be able
to get it out.
316
00:11:55,344 --> 00:11:57,911
I think you'll get it out.
317
00:11:57,944 --> 00:11:59,478
What about the skin?
318
00:11:59,511 --> 00:12:01,511
I need a good cheek.
I like a good cheek.
319
00:12:02,611 --> 00:12:03,878
She's got a fine cheek.
320
00:12:03,911 --> 00:12:05,545
Is there a pinkish hue?
321
00:12:05,545 --> 00:12:06,478
Is there a pinkish hue?
322
00:12:09,178 --> 00:12:10,478
A pinkish hue?
323
00:12:10,511 --> 00:12:13,478
Yes. A rosy glow.
324
00:12:13,511 --> 00:12:16,644
There's a hue.
325
00:12:16,678 --> 00:12:18,111
She's got great eyebrows.
326
00:12:18,144 --> 00:12:20,578
Women kill to have
her eyebrows.
327
00:12:22,311 --> 00:12:24,111
Who cares about eyebrows?
328
00:12:25,111 --> 00:12:27,111
Look at you.
329
00:12:27,144 --> 00:12:30,211
Why don't you do something
with your life?!
330
00:12:30,244 --> 00:12:31,911
Sit around here all day.
331
00:12:31,944 --> 00:12:34,244
You contribute nothing
to society.
332
00:12:34,278 --> 00:12:35,545
The alarm didn't go off,
it's 9:15!
333
00:12:35,545 --> 00:12:36,044
The alarm didn't go off,
it's 9:15!
334
00:12:36,078 --> 00:12:37,944
You're gonna miss the plane,
it's 9:15!
335
00:12:37,978 --> 00:12:39,078
[GROGGILY]
9:15?
336
00:12:39,111 --> 00:12:40,911
Yeah, 9:15!
337
00:12:40,944 --> 00:12:43,578
Eh, we'll never make it.
I'll leave tomorrow.
338
00:12:43,611 --> 00:12:44,711
Tomorrow? Are you crazy?!
339
00:12:44,744 --> 00:12:45,778
No. Now, now.
340
00:12:45,811 --> 00:12:47,211
Let's go. Let's go. Let's go.
341
00:12:47,244 --> 00:12:48,611
You get dressed.
You get dressed.
342
00:12:48,644 --> 00:12:52,511
How could I be with
someone like you?
343
00:12:53,611 --> 00:12:55,378
Wouldn't respect myself.
344
00:12:55,411 --> 00:12:56,644
Put your pants on.
345
00:12:56,678 --> 00:12:58,211
I'll go tomorrow
or the next day.
346
00:12:58,244 --> 00:12:59,711
No, you have your ticket.
You have to go now.
347
00:12:59,744 --> 00:13:00,778
We'll never make it.
348
00:13:00,811 --> 00:13:01,944
Don't say that.
349
00:13:01,978 --> 00:13:04,278
Well, it takes 45 minutes
to get--
350
00:13:05,344 --> 00:13:05,545
It takes 45 minutes
to get there,
351
00:13:05,545 --> 00:13:07,378
It takes 45 minutes
to get there,
352
00:13:07,411 --> 00:13:09,644
that will only leave me
5 minutes to get to the plane.
353
00:13:09,678 --> 00:13:10,944
Shut up and pack!
354
00:13:10,978 --> 00:13:13,378
I take it all back,
every word!
355
00:13:13,411 --> 00:13:15,878
I love you!
356
00:13:15,911 --> 00:13:18,244
I love you!
357
00:13:18,278 --> 00:13:20,644
It's not you. It's me.
358
00:13:20,678 --> 00:13:22,478
You're giving me
359
00:13:22,511 --> 00:13:25,544
the "it's not you,
it's me" routine?
360
00:13:25,578 --> 00:13:28,244
I invented
"it's not you, it's me."
361
00:13:28,278 --> 00:13:30,744
Nobody tells me
it's them, not me.
362
00:13:30,778 --> 00:13:32,211
If it's anybody, it's me.
363
00:13:32,244 --> 00:13:33,478
All right.
364
00:13:33,511 --> 00:13:34,611
George, it's you.
365
00:13:34,644 --> 00:13:35,545
You're damn right it's me.
366
00:13:35,545 --> 00:13:37,144
You're damn right it's me.
367
00:13:37,178 --> 00:13:38,444
Elaine...
Hm?
368
00:13:38,478 --> 00:13:41,544
you don't know the first thing
about first base.
369
00:13:41,578 --> 00:13:46,044
Oh. Well, I know something
about gettin' to first base.
370
00:13:46,078 --> 00:13:48,811
And I know you'll
never be there.
371
00:13:48,844 --> 00:13:50,978
The way I figure it,
I've already been there.
372
00:13:51,011 --> 00:13:54,378
I plan on rounding second
tonight at around 11:00.
373
00:13:54,411 --> 00:13:55,611
[LAUGHS]
374
00:13:55,644 --> 00:13:56,811
Well, uh...
375
00:13:56,844 --> 00:13:59,911
I'd watch the third-base coach
if I were you,
376
00:13:59,944 --> 00:14:04,311
'cause I don't think
he's wavin' you in.
377
00:14:04,344 --> 00:14:05,545
I guess things changed for me
on Tuesday night.
378
00:14:05,545 --> 00:14:07,044
I guess things changed for me
on Tuesday night.
379
00:14:07,078 --> 00:14:08,378
Tuesday night?
380
00:14:08,411 --> 00:14:10,078
What happened
Tuesday night?
381
00:14:10,844 --> 00:14:13,378
I saw your act.
382
00:14:13,411 --> 00:14:16,311
My act? Wh-what does that
have to do with anything?
383
00:14:16,344 --> 00:14:18,378
To be honest, it...
384
00:14:18,411 --> 00:14:20,478
just didn't make it for me.
385
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:23,411
It was just so much fluff.
386
00:14:23,444 --> 00:14:24,644
So, what're you saying?
387
00:14:24,678 --> 00:14:26,244
You didn't like my act?
388
00:14:26,278 --> 00:14:27,778
So that's it?
389
00:14:27,811 --> 00:14:31,244
I can't be with someone
if I don't respect
what they do.
390
00:14:31,278 --> 00:14:33,144
You're a cashier.
391
00:14:33,178 --> 00:14:35,545
You don't know my name,
do you?
392
00:14:35,545 --> 00:14:35,978
You don't know my name,
do you?
393
00:14:36,011 --> 00:14:38,211
Yes, I do.
394
00:14:38,244 --> 00:14:39,478
What is it?
395
00:14:39,511 --> 00:14:42,911
It rhymes with
a female body part.
396
00:14:42,944 --> 00:14:44,278
What is it?
397
00:14:46,244 --> 00:14:47,344
Mulva?
398
00:14:49,344 --> 00:14:51,978
I think you're really sick.
399
00:14:52,011 --> 00:14:53,311
I'm not sick.
400
00:14:53,344 --> 00:14:56,144
You said much sicker
things than me.
401
00:14:56,178 --> 00:14:57,278
I'm leaving.
402
00:14:57,311 --> 00:14:58,711
So, where were we?
403
00:14:58,744 --> 00:15:00,111
I was just leaving.
404
00:15:00,144 --> 00:15:01,944
Right.
You were leaving.
405
00:15:01,978 --> 00:15:05,411
I can't believe you sent
a woman into the sauna
to do that.
406
00:15:05,444 --> 00:15:05,545
That was an accident.
407
00:15:05,545 --> 00:15:07,144
That was an accident.
408
00:15:07,178 --> 00:15:09,278
I think you're both
mentally ill.
409
00:15:09,311 --> 00:15:11,311
Ohhh...
410
00:15:17,444 --> 00:15:18,811
And by the way...
411
00:15:18,844 --> 00:15:23,444
they're real,
and they're spectacular.
412
00:15:23,478 --> 00:15:25,811
Why shouldn't we be able
to do that once in a while
413
00:15:25,844 --> 00:15:26,911
if we want to?
414
00:15:26,944 --> 00:15:28,278
I know!
415
00:15:28,311 --> 00:15:30,311
I mean, really,
what is the big deal?
416
00:15:30,344 --> 00:15:31,644
We go in there,
417
00:15:31,678 --> 00:15:33,544
we're in there
for a while,
418
00:15:33,578 --> 00:15:35,545
and then we come back
out here.
419
00:15:35,545 --> 00:15:35,644
and then we come back
out here.
420
00:15:35,678 --> 00:15:37,444
That's not complicated.
421
00:15:37,478 --> 00:15:39,478
It's almost stupid
if we didn't.
422
00:15:39,511 --> 00:15:40,811
It's moronic!
423
00:15:40,844 --> 00:15:42,844
Absurd!
424
00:15:44,911 --> 00:15:47,644
Of course...
425
00:15:47,678 --> 00:15:51,544
I guess, maybe, some little
problems could arise.
426
00:15:51,578 --> 00:15:53,378
Ah, you know,
there are always a few.
427
00:15:53,411 --> 00:15:54,744
I mean, if anything happened,
428
00:15:54,778 --> 00:15:58,311
and we couldn't be friends
the way we are now...
429
00:15:58,344 --> 00:15:59,911
that would really be bad.
430
00:15:59,944 --> 00:16:01,078
Devastating.
431
00:16:01,111 --> 00:16:03,911
Because this...
is very good.
432
00:16:06,411 --> 00:16:08,578
And that would be good.
433
00:16:08,611 --> 00:16:11,411
That would be good too.
434
00:16:11,444 --> 00:16:14,478
The idea is to combine
the this...
435
00:16:14,511 --> 00:16:16,811
and the that...
436
00:16:16,844 --> 00:16:19,478
but this cannot
be disturbed.
437
00:16:19,511 --> 00:16:22,311
Yeah. We-- We--
We just wanna take this...
438
00:16:22,344 --> 00:16:23,711
and...
439
00:16:23,744 --> 00:16:25,511
add that.
440
00:16:28,444 --> 00:16:31,244
But of course,
we have to figure out a way
441
00:16:31,278 --> 00:16:34,244
to avoid the things that cause
the little problems.
442
00:16:34,278 --> 00:16:35,545
Mmm.
Maybe some rules or something.
443
00:16:35,545 --> 00:16:36,311
Mmm.
Maybe some rules or something.
444
00:16:36,344 --> 00:16:37,611
Huh.
445
00:16:37,644 --> 00:16:39,111
For example...
446
00:16:40,578 --> 00:16:42,744
now, I call you
whenever I am inclined
447
00:16:42,778 --> 00:16:44,144
and vice versa.
Right.
448
00:16:44,178 --> 00:16:47,478
But if we did that,
we might feel...
449
00:16:47,511 --> 00:16:49,078
a certain obligation to call.
450
00:16:49,111 --> 00:16:51,944
Oh-- Well, why should that be?
451
00:16:51,978 --> 00:16:54,478
Oh! I have an idea.
I have an idea.
452
00:16:54,511 --> 00:16:59,078
No calls the day after that.
453
00:16:59,111 --> 00:17:00,744
Beautiful.
454
00:17:00,778 --> 00:17:02,144
Let's make it a rule.
455
00:17:02,178 --> 00:17:03,911
All right, sir.
456
00:17:06,678 --> 00:17:08,411
Now, here's
another little rule.
457
00:17:08,444 --> 00:17:09,744
Yeah.
458
00:17:09,778 --> 00:17:11,144
When we see each other now,
459
00:17:11,178 --> 00:17:13,811
we retire
to our separate quarters.
460
00:17:13,844 --> 00:17:17,078
But sometimes, when people
get involved with that,
461
00:17:17,111 --> 00:17:20,478
they feel...
pressure to...
462
00:17:20,511 --> 00:17:22,578
sleep over...
463
00:17:22,611 --> 00:17:26,411
when that is not really sleep.
464
00:17:28,678 --> 00:17:31,478
Sleep is separate from that,
465
00:17:31,511 --> 00:17:33,078
and I don't see
466
00:17:33,111 --> 00:17:35,545
why sleep got all tied up
and connected...
467
00:17:35,545 --> 00:17:39,044
why sleep got all tied up
and connected...
468
00:17:39,078 --> 00:17:40,478
with that.
469
00:17:40,511 --> 00:17:42,311
Okay. Okay.
470
00:17:42,344 --> 00:17:46,678
Rule number two:
spending the night
is optional.
471
00:17:48,578 --> 00:17:51,144
Well, now we're gettin'
somewhere.
472
00:17:51,178 --> 00:17:52,744
I slept with Elaine
last night.
473
00:17:56,844 --> 00:17:57,978
Oxygen.
474
00:17:58,011 --> 00:17:59,744
I need some oxygen.
475
00:17:59,778 --> 00:18:00,811
I thought you'd like that.
476
00:18:00,844 --> 00:18:02,544
Oh, this is huge.
477
00:18:02,578 --> 00:18:03,911
I know.
All right.
478
00:18:03,944 --> 00:18:05,545
Okay. Let's go. Details.
479
00:18:05,545 --> 00:18:06,311
Okay. Let's go. Details.
480
00:18:06,344 --> 00:18:07,978
No, I can't give details.
481
00:18:08,011 --> 00:18:09,144
No details?
482
00:18:10,011 --> 00:18:12,144
I'm not in the mood.
483
00:18:13,844 --> 00:18:15,978
You asked me here
to have lunch,
484
00:18:16,011 --> 00:18:18,078
tell me you slept with Elaine,
485
00:18:18,111 --> 00:18:21,444
and then say you're not
in the mood for details.
486
00:18:21,478 --> 00:18:24,044
Now, you listen to me.
487
00:18:24,078 --> 00:18:27,044
I want details,
and I want them right now.
488
00:18:27,078 --> 00:18:29,644
I don't have a job.
I have no place to go.
489
00:18:29,678 --> 00:18:30,878
You're not in the mood?
490
00:18:30,911 --> 00:18:33,078
Well, you get in the mood!
491
00:18:35,844 --> 00:18:38,144
I was at
the unemployment office,
492
00:18:38,178 --> 00:18:39,578
and I told them I was
very close
493
00:18:39,611 --> 00:18:41,478
to getting a job
with Vandelay Industries.
494
00:18:41,511 --> 00:18:42,978
and I gave them
your phone number.
495
00:18:43,011 --> 00:18:44,878
So now,
when the phone rings,
496
00:18:44,911 --> 00:18:47,311
you have to answer
"Vandelay Industries."
497
00:18:47,344 --> 00:18:48,478
I'm Vandelay Industries?
498
00:18:48,511 --> 00:18:49,578
Right.
499
00:18:49,611 --> 00:18:50,644
What is that?
500
00:18:50,678 --> 00:18:51,878
You're in latex.
501
00:18:51,911 --> 00:18:52,978
Latex.
502
00:18:53,011 --> 00:18:54,044
Yes.
503
00:18:54,078 --> 00:18:55,311
And what do I do with latex?
504
00:18:55,344 --> 00:18:56,878
I don't know.
You manufacture it.
505
00:18:56,911 --> 00:18:59,644
Right here,
in this little apartment?
506
00:18:59,678 --> 00:19:01,278
And what do I say about you?
507
00:19:01,311 --> 00:19:03,811
You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.
508
00:19:03,844 --> 00:19:05,545
I'm gonna hire you
as my latex salesman?
509
00:19:05,545 --> 00:19:06,311
I'm gonna hire you
as my latex salesman?
510
00:19:06,344 --> 00:19:07,478
Right.
511
00:19:07,511 --> 00:19:10,078
[LAUGHS]
I don't think so.
512
00:19:10,111 --> 00:19:11,278
Man, I'm tellin' you
513
00:19:11,311 --> 00:19:13,978
this pizza idea
is really gonna happen.
514
00:19:14,011 --> 00:19:15,578
This is the thing
where you go,
515
00:19:15,611 --> 00:19:17,411
and you have to make
your own pizza?
516
00:19:17,444 --> 00:19:18,811
Yeah. We give you the dough.
517
00:19:18,844 --> 00:19:20,778
You smash it. You pound it.
518
00:19:20,811 --> 00:19:22,378
You fling it
up in the air.
519
00:19:22,411 --> 00:19:23,911
And then you get to
put your sauce,
520
00:19:23,944 --> 00:19:26,378
and you get to sprinkle
your cheese, and then...
521
00:19:26,411 --> 00:19:29,811
you slide it
into the oven!
522
00:19:29,844 --> 00:19:31,444
You know, you have to know
how to do that.
523
00:19:31,478 --> 00:19:33,378
You can't have people
shoving their arms
524
00:19:33,411 --> 00:19:34,911
into a 600-degree oven.
525
00:19:34,944 --> 00:19:35,545
It's all supervised.
526
00:19:35,545 --> 00:19:36,611
It's all supervised.
527
00:19:36,644 --> 00:19:38,078
Oh, well.
528
00:19:38,111 --> 00:19:40,744
Tolstoy used to write
in the village square.
529
00:19:40,778 --> 00:19:42,444
The faces inspired him.
530
00:19:42,478 --> 00:19:45,811
Although, one wonders
if War and Peace
531
00:19:45,844 --> 00:19:47,644
would have been as highly
acclaimed as it was
532
00:19:47,678 --> 00:19:50,244
had it been published
under it's original title,
533
00:19:50,278 --> 00:19:52,944
War: What Is It Good For?
534
00:19:52,978 --> 00:19:54,044
What?
535
00:19:54,078 --> 00:19:55,711
Yeah, Mr. Lippman.
536
00:19:55,744 --> 00:19:59,144
It was his mistress who
insisted that he call it
War and Peace.
537
00:19:59,178 --> 00:20:00,244
Elaine.
538
00:20:00,278 --> 00:20:01,478
War: What Is It Good For?
539
00:20:01,511 --> 00:20:04,244
♪ Absolutely nothin'
Huh! ♪
540
00:20:04,278 --> 00:20:05,545
If I see her, what do I say
that I'm doing here?
541
00:20:05,545 --> 00:20:06,244
If I see her, what do I say
that I'm doing here?
542
00:20:06,278 --> 00:20:08,311
Well, you came to see me.
I work in the building.
543
00:20:08,344 --> 00:20:10,444
What do you do?
544
00:20:10,478 --> 00:20:12,811
I'm an architect.
545
00:20:12,844 --> 00:20:14,578
You're an architect?
546
00:20:14,611 --> 00:20:16,578
I'm not?
547
00:20:19,411 --> 00:20:21,744
I don't see architecture
coming from you.
548
00:20:21,778 --> 00:20:23,644
We'll make our choice
in a few days,
549
00:20:23,678 --> 00:20:26,044
and we'll let you know.
550
00:20:26,078 --> 00:20:28,044
I have no chance, do I?
551
00:20:28,078 --> 00:20:29,178
No.
552
00:20:30,178 --> 00:20:31,444
You know I always wanted
553
00:20:31,478 --> 00:20:32,978
to pretend
that I was an architect.
554
00:20:33,011 --> 00:20:34,244
What do you do?
555
00:20:34,278 --> 00:20:35,545
I'm an architect.
556
00:20:35,545 --> 00:20:37,044
I'm an architect.
557
00:20:37,078 --> 00:20:39,144
Have you designed
any buildings in New York?
558
00:20:39,178 --> 00:20:42,244
Have you seen the new addition
to the Guggenheim?
559
00:20:42,278 --> 00:20:43,811
You did that?
560
00:20:43,844 --> 00:20:45,278
Yep, yep.
561
00:20:45,311 --> 00:20:47,411
You know, it didn't take
very long either.
562
00:20:47,444 --> 00:20:48,711
The beauty of my book is,
563
00:20:48,744 --> 00:20:50,478
if you don't have
a coffee table,
564
00:20:50,511 --> 00:20:52,911
it turns into a coffee table.
565
00:20:52,944 --> 00:20:54,244
[AUDIENCE CHEERS]
566
00:20:54,278 --> 00:20:55,878
Isn't that fabulous?
567
00:20:55,911 --> 00:20:57,511
Look at this!
568
00:20:58,944 --> 00:21:00,444
What-delay industries?
569
00:21:00,478 --> 00:21:01,778
No.
570
00:21:01,811 --> 00:21:03,544
GEORGE:
"Vandelay," say "Vandelay."
571
00:21:03,578 --> 00:21:05,545
No. No, you're
way, way, way off.
572
00:21:05,545 --> 00:21:05,944
No. No, you're
way, way, way off.
573
00:21:05,978 --> 00:21:07,378
What?
"Vandelay"!
574
00:21:07,411 --> 00:21:09,211
Say--!
575
00:21:09,244 --> 00:21:10,578
Vandelay Industries.
576
00:21:10,611 --> 00:21:13,344
No problem.
No problem.
577
00:21:22,944 --> 00:21:26,678
And you wanna be
my latex salesman.
578
00:21:29,811 --> 00:21:33,144
I think Superman probably has
a very good sense of humor.
579
00:21:33,178 --> 00:21:35,545
I never heard him
say anything really funny.
580
00:21:35,545 --> 00:21:36,044
I never heard him
say anything really funny.
581
00:21:36,078 --> 00:21:38,044
He's got super strength,
super speed.
582
00:21:38,078 --> 00:21:40,311
I'm sure he's got super humor.
583
00:21:40,344 --> 00:21:43,211
Either you're born with
a sense of humor,
or you're not.
584
00:21:43,244 --> 00:21:44,444
It's not gonna change.
585
00:21:44,478 --> 00:21:46,411
Even if you go from
the red sun of Krypton
586
00:21:46,444 --> 00:21:48,978
all the way to the yellow sun
of the Earth.
587
00:21:49,011 --> 00:21:50,911
Why?
588
00:21:50,944 --> 00:21:52,711
Why would that
one area of his mind
589
00:21:52,744 --> 00:21:56,378
not be affected by
the yellow sun of the Earth?
590
00:21:56,411 --> 00:21:58,744
I don't know,
but he ain't funny.
591
00:21:58,778 --> 00:21:59,811
What's today.
592
00:21:59,844 --> 00:22:01,478
It's Thursday.
593
00:22:01,511 --> 00:22:03,044
Really?
594
00:22:03,078 --> 00:22:05,545
It feels like Tuesday.
595
00:22:05,545 --> 00:22:05,878
It feels like Tuesday.
596
00:22:05,911 --> 00:22:08,211
Tuesday has no feel.
597
00:22:08,244 --> 00:22:10,411
Monday has a feel.
598
00:22:10,444 --> 00:22:12,411
Friday has a feel.
599
00:22:12,444 --> 00:22:13,711
Sunday has a feel.
600
00:22:13,744 --> 00:22:14,878
I feel Tuesday and Wednesday.
601
00:22:14,911 --> 00:22:16,878
All right, shut up
the both of you.
602
00:22:16,911 --> 00:22:18,278
You double dipped the chip.
603
00:22:18,311 --> 00:22:19,478
Double dipped?
604
00:22:19,511 --> 00:22:20,944
Wh-what are you
talkin' about?
605
00:22:20,978 --> 00:22:22,144
You dipped the chip,
606
00:22:22,178 --> 00:22:24,478
you took a bite...
607
00:22:24,511 --> 00:22:26,478
and you dipped again.
608
00:22:27,311 --> 00:22:28,644
So?
609
00:22:28,678 --> 00:22:32,311
That's like putting your whole
mouth right in the dip.
610
00:22:32,344 --> 00:22:33,644
Look.
611
00:22:33,678 --> 00:22:35,545
From now on,
when you take a chip,
612
00:22:35,545 --> 00:22:36,378
From now on,
when you take a chip,
613
00:22:36,411 --> 00:22:39,411
just take one dip
and end it!
614
00:22:39,444 --> 00:22:41,111
Could I offer you
something to drink?
615
00:22:41,144 --> 00:22:42,144
Okay, yeah.
616
00:22:42,178 --> 00:22:43,444
I'll have a--
617
00:22:43,478 --> 00:22:46,278
Do you have
a decaf cappuccino?
618
00:22:47,811 --> 00:22:49,278
I don't think we have that.
619
00:22:50,611 --> 00:22:52,711
Well, that's a little strange.
620
00:22:52,744 --> 00:22:54,711
Uh, why does that surprise
you?
621
00:22:54,744 --> 00:22:58,478
Well, it's...
It's a very popular drink.
622
00:22:58,511 --> 00:23:00,444
This is an office.
623
00:23:00,478 --> 00:23:02,444
That's true.
624
00:23:02,478 --> 00:23:03,578
Magellan?
625
00:23:03,611 --> 00:23:04,811
You like Magellan?
626
00:23:04,844 --> 00:23:05,545
Oh, yeah.
My favorite explorer.
627
00:23:05,545 --> 00:23:06,644
Oh, yeah.
My favorite explorer.
628
00:23:06,678 --> 00:23:08,644
Around the world.
Come on.
629
00:23:08,678 --> 00:23:09,811
Who do you like?
630
00:23:09,844 --> 00:23:12,111
I like de Soto.
631
00:23:12,144 --> 00:23:13,478
De Soto? What did he do?
632
00:23:13,511 --> 00:23:15,078
Discovered the Mississippi.
633
00:23:15,111 --> 00:23:17,111
Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't
have found that anyway.
634
00:23:17,144 --> 00:23:18,878
I was talkin' to this guy,
you know,
635
00:23:18,911 --> 00:23:21,478
and I just happened to throw
my purse on the sofa,
636
00:23:21,511 --> 00:23:24,944
and my diaphragm goes
flying out.
637
00:23:27,511 --> 00:23:29,778
So I just froze,
you know.
638
00:23:29,811 --> 00:23:31,078
Ahhh!
639
00:23:31,111 --> 00:23:32,611
Staring at my diaphragm,
you know.
640
00:23:32,644 --> 00:23:33,644
It's just lying there.
641
00:23:33,678 --> 00:23:34,744
So then this woman,
642
00:23:34,778 --> 00:23:35,545
the one who sold me
this hair thing,
643
00:23:35,545 --> 00:23:36,144
the one who sold me
this hair thing,
644
00:23:36,178 --> 00:23:37,878
she grabbed it
before the guy noticed.
645
00:23:37,911 --> 00:23:41,044
So I mean,
big deal, right?
646
00:23:41,078 --> 00:23:42,778
So I carry around
my diaphragm.
647
00:23:42,811 --> 00:23:43,978
Who doesn't?
648
00:23:44,011 --> 00:23:46,111
I mean, like
it's a big, big secret
649
00:23:46,144 --> 00:23:49,411
that women carry around
their diaphragms.
650
00:23:49,444 --> 00:23:51,678
You never know when
you're gonna need it, right?
651
00:23:56,678 --> 00:23:58,611
[SIGHS]
652
00:23:58,644 --> 00:24:00,711
I hate Keith Hernandez.
Hate him.
653
00:24:00,744 --> 00:24:02,911
I despise him.
654
00:24:02,944 --> 00:24:04,478
Why?
NEWMAN: Why?
655
00:24:04,511 --> 00:24:05,545
I'll tell you why.
Let me tell her.
656
00:24:05,545 --> 00:24:05,978
I'll tell you why.
Let me tell her.
657
00:24:06,011 --> 00:24:07,944
You can't tell her.
You always tell it.
658
00:24:07,978 --> 00:24:09,944
All right, tell it.
Ah, you just tell it.
659
00:24:12,144 --> 00:24:14,611
June 14th, 1987.
660
00:24:14,644 --> 00:24:15,944
Mets-Phillies.
661
00:24:15,978 --> 00:24:17,611
We're enjoying
a beautiful afternoon
662
00:24:17,644 --> 00:24:19,111
in the right-field stands
663
00:24:19,144 --> 00:24:20,644
when a crucial
Hernandez error
664
00:24:20,678 --> 00:24:23,311
opens the door to
a five-run Phillies 9th.
665
00:24:23,344 --> 00:24:24,644
Cost the Mets the game.
666
00:24:24,678 --> 00:24:27,944
Our day was ruined.
667
00:24:27,978 --> 00:24:29,578
There was a lot of people,
you know.
668
00:24:29,611 --> 00:24:31,411
They were waiting by
the players parking lot.
669
00:24:31,444 --> 00:24:33,078
Now, we're comin'down the ramp.
670
00:24:33,111 --> 00:24:34,944
Newman was in front of me.
671
00:24:34,978 --> 00:24:35,545
Hernandez was comingtoward us.
672
00:24:35,545 --> 00:24:37,144
Hernandez was comingtoward us.
673
00:24:37,178 --> 00:24:39,378
As he passes us,
Newman turns and says,
674
00:24:39,411 --> 00:24:42,011
"Nice game,pretty boy."
675
00:24:44,744 --> 00:24:47,411
Hernandez continued past usup the ramp.
676
00:24:47,444 --> 00:24:48,944
Then, a second later,
677
00:24:48,978 --> 00:24:51,744
something happened
that changed us
678
00:24:51,778 --> 00:24:56,644
in a very deep and profound
way from that day forward.
679
00:24:56,678 --> 00:24:57,778
What was it?
680
00:24:57,811 --> 00:24:59,578
He spit on us.
681
00:25:01,178 --> 00:25:04,644
Then I screamed out,"I'm hit!"
682
00:25:04,678 --> 00:25:05,545
Then I turned,
683
00:25:05,545 --> 00:25:06,811
Then I turned,
684
00:25:06,844 --> 00:25:10,144
and the spit ricochetedoff him and it hit me.
685
00:25:11,511 --> 00:25:12,644
Wow.
686
00:25:12,678 --> 00:25:14,378
What a story.
687
00:25:14,411 --> 00:25:16,878
Unfortunately,
the immutable laws of physics
688
00:25:16,911 --> 00:25:19,978
contradict the whole premise
of your account.
689
00:25:20,011 --> 00:25:22,644
Allow me to reconstruct this,
if I may, for Miss Benes,
690
00:25:22,678 --> 00:25:25,111
as I've heard this story
a number of times.
691
00:25:25,144 --> 00:25:29,211
Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.
692
00:25:29,244 --> 00:25:31,144
According to your story,
693
00:25:31,178 --> 00:25:34,478
Hernandez passes youand starts walkingup the ramp.
694
00:25:34,511 --> 00:25:35,545
Mm-hmm.
Then,
you say, you were struck...
695
00:25:35,545 --> 00:25:37,144
Mm-hmm.
Then,
you say, you were struck...
696
00:25:38,444 --> 00:25:40,644
...on the right temple.
697
00:25:40,678 --> 00:25:44,278
The spit then proceeds
to ricochet off the temple,
698
00:25:44,311 --> 00:25:45,711
striking Newman between
699
00:25:45,744 --> 00:25:47,478
the third and the forth rib.
700
00:25:49,978 --> 00:25:51,878
The spit then came
off the rib,
701
00:25:51,911 --> 00:25:53,144
made a right turn,
702
00:25:53,178 --> 00:25:56,378
hitting Newman
in the right wrist,
703
00:25:56,411 --> 00:25:58,144
causing him to drop
704
00:25:58,178 --> 00:25:59,444
his baseball cap.
705
00:26:01,244 --> 00:26:03,644
The spit then splashed
off the wrist,
706
00:26:03,678 --> 00:26:05,545
pauses in midair,
mind you...
707
00:26:05,545 --> 00:26:06,911
pauses in midair,
mind you...
708
00:26:07,844 --> 00:26:09,944
makes a left turn,
709
00:26:09,978 --> 00:26:12,844
and lands on
Newman's left thigh.
710
00:26:14,511 --> 00:26:17,611
That is one magic loogie.
711
00:26:27,383 --> 00:26:31,350
Story is the foundation
of all entertainment.
712
00:26:31,383 --> 00:26:34,017
And people really have to care
about the characters.
713
00:26:34,050 --> 00:26:36,183
Yeah. Forget about care. Love.
714
00:26:36,217 --> 00:26:37,683
They have to love
the characters.
715
00:26:37,717 --> 00:26:39,850
Now get the hell out
of my house.
716
00:26:39,883 --> 00:26:41,217
Quiet!
717
00:26:42,117 --> 00:26:43,450
You shut up.
718
00:26:43,483 --> 00:26:46,083
As of now, you're banned
from the store. You're banned!
719
00:26:46,117 --> 00:26:49,217
It's a pizza the moment you
put your fists in the dough.
720
00:26:50,717 --> 00:26:52,539
I have a hair on my tongue.
721
00:26:52,539 --> 00:26:53,083
I have a hair on my tongue.
722
00:26:53,117 --> 00:26:54,683
Can't get it off.
723
00:26:54,717 --> 00:26:56,450
You know how much I hate that?
724
00:26:56,483 --> 00:26:57,750
Soup's not a meal.
725
00:26:57,783 --> 00:26:59,450
You're supposed
to buy me a meal.
726
00:26:59,483 --> 00:27:01,683
Yeah, well, just keep out
of my business, you big ape.
727
00:27:01,717 --> 00:27:03,517
Who you callin'
"big ape"?
728
00:27:03,550 --> 00:27:04,850
I'm calling you an ape.
729
00:27:04,883 --> 00:27:06,183
Yeah, come on.
730
00:27:06,217 --> 00:27:07,517
All right.
Break it up, break it up.
731
00:27:07,550 --> 00:27:08,850
Come on, you two.
732
00:27:08,883 --> 00:27:10,583
Just cut it out now.
733
00:27:10,617 --> 00:27:12,350
But you put on a pair of shoes
when you walk
734
00:27:12,383 --> 00:27:14,117
into the New York
Public Library, fella.
735
00:27:14,150 --> 00:27:17,083
We had a funny guy
with us in Korea.
736
00:27:17,117 --> 00:27:19,150
A tail gunner.
737
00:27:19,183 --> 00:27:22,450
They blew his brains out
all over the Pacific.
738
00:27:25,550 --> 00:27:27,850
There's nothin' funny
about that.
739
00:27:27,883 --> 00:27:32,483
We will annex Poland
by the spring at any cost!
740
00:27:32,517 --> 00:27:36,217
And our stock will rise high!
741
00:27:38,650 --> 00:27:40,117
You may think
you're an idiot,
742
00:27:40,150 --> 00:27:41,183
but with all due respect,
743
00:27:41,217 --> 00:27:43,183
I'm a much bigger idiot
than you are.
744
00:27:43,217 --> 00:27:44,950
Listen.
Don't insult me, my friend.
745
00:27:44,983 --> 00:27:46,317
Remember who you're
talking to.
746
00:27:46,350 --> 00:27:47,983
No one's a bigger idiot
than me.
747
00:27:48,017 --> 00:27:49,750
Am I a hipster doofus?
748
00:27:49,783 --> 00:27:51,350
No.
No.
749
00:27:51,383 --> 00:27:52,539
Said I'm not good-lookin'
enough for her.
750
00:27:52,539 --> 00:27:53,417
Said I'm not good-lookin'
enough for her.
751
00:27:53,450 --> 00:27:54,817
Not good-looking.
752
00:27:54,850 --> 00:27:57,183
Jerry, look at me.
Look at my face, huh.
753
00:27:57,217 --> 00:27:58,750
Am I beautiful?
754
00:27:58,783 --> 00:28:00,450
George, am I beautiful?
755
00:28:04,017 --> 00:28:05,083
You're very attractive.
756
00:28:05,117 --> 00:28:06,150
Yeah!
757
00:28:06,183 --> 00:28:07,517
Is it possible
758
00:28:07,550 --> 00:28:08,917
I'm not as attractive
as I think I am?
759
00:28:08,950 --> 00:28:10,350
We're not gay.
760
00:28:10,383 --> 00:28:11,850
Not that there's anything
wrong with that.
761
00:28:11,883 --> 00:28:13,250
No, of course not.
762
00:28:13,283 --> 00:28:15,617
I mean, it's fine if that's
who you are.
Absolutely.
763
00:28:15,650 --> 00:28:17,683
I mean,I have many gay friends
My father's gay.
764
00:28:17,717 --> 00:28:20,417
Look, I--
I know what I heard.
765
00:28:20,450 --> 00:28:21,683
Heard?
It was a joke.
766
00:28:21,717 --> 00:28:22,539
Look, you wanna have
sex right now?
767
00:28:22,539 --> 00:28:23,183
Look, you wanna have
sex right now?
768
00:28:23,217 --> 00:28:24,950
Do you wanna have
sex with me right now?
769
00:28:24,983 --> 00:28:26,517
Let's go!
770
00:28:28,117 --> 00:28:29,817
Come on!
Let's go, baby!
771
00:28:29,850 --> 00:28:32,517
Come on!
772
00:28:32,550 --> 00:28:33,917
Hey, come on.
Let's go.
773
00:28:33,950 --> 00:28:37,350
I thought we were
gonna take a steam.
774
00:28:37,383 --> 00:28:40,517
No, I don't want any steam.
No. No steam.
775
00:28:40,550 --> 00:28:42,917
Well, I don't wanna sit
there naked all by myself.
776
00:28:42,950 --> 00:28:44,017
You fake?
777
00:28:44,050 --> 00:28:45,450
On occasion.
778
00:28:45,483 --> 00:28:46,617
And the guy never knows?
779
00:28:46,650 --> 00:28:47,683
No.
780
00:28:47,717 --> 00:28:49,817
How could he not know that?
781
00:28:49,850 --> 00:28:52,539
[SENSUALLY]
Because I was good.
782
00:28:52,539 --> 00:28:52,850
[SENSUALLY]
Because I was good.
783
00:28:52,883 --> 00:28:54,283
I guess after
that many beers,
784
00:28:54,317 --> 00:28:56,750
he's probably
a little groggy anyway.
785
00:28:56,783 --> 00:28:58,850
[ALL LAUGH]
786
00:28:58,883 --> 00:29:00,183
Well...
787
00:29:00,217 --> 00:29:02,017
you didn't know.
788
00:29:04,217 --> 00:29:05,350
What's that?
789
00:29:06,550 --> 00:29:09,017
You didn't know.
790
00:29:09,050 --> 00:29:10,417
Are you saying--?
791
00:29:10,450 --> 00:29:12,917
Ahem, I think I'll have
a piece of cake.
792
00:29:12,950 --> 00:29:14,750
With me?
Well...
793
00:29:14,783 --> 00:29:16,017
You faked with me?
794
00:29:16,050 --> 00:29:17,683
Yeah.
You faked with me?
795
00:29:17,717 --> 00:29:18,783
Yes.
No.
796
00:29:18,817 --> 00:29:19,850
Yes.
You faked it.
797
00:29:19,883 --> 00:29:21,117
I faked it.
798
00:29:21,150 --> 00:29:22,539
That whole thing,
the whole production,
799
00:29:22,539 --> 00:29:22,683
That whole thing,
the whole production,
800
00:29:22,717 --> 00:29:23,850
it was all an act.
801
00:29:23,883 --> 00:29:26,183
Not bad, huh?
802
00:29:26,217 --> 00:29:28,750
What about the breathing,
the panting, the moaning,
803
00:29:28,783 --> 00:29:29,850
the screaming?
804
00:29:29,883 --> 00:29:32,750
Fake, fake, fake, fake.
805
00:29:32,783 --> 00:29:33,917
I'm disturbed.
806
00:29:33,950 --> 00:29:35,250
I'm depressed.
807
00:29:35,283 --> 00:29:36,517
I'm inadequate.
808
00:29:36,550 --> 00:29:38,983
I got it all!
809
00:29:39,017 --> 00:29:41,850
Can't you see what's happened?
810
00:29:41,883 --> 00:29:44,083
I've become George.
811
00:29:44,117 --> 00:29:45,750
Don't say that.
812
00:29:45,783 --> 00:29:47,250
It's true.
813
00:29:47,283 --> 00:29:49,183
I'm George.
814
00:29:49,217 --> 00:29:50,917
I'm George!
815
00:29:50,950 --> 00:29:52,539
Tuna on toast, coleslaw,
cup of coffee.
816
00:29:52,539 --> 00:29:53,350
Tuna on toast, coleslaw,
cup of coffee.
817
00:29:53,383 --> 00:29:54,683
Yeah.
818
00:29:54,717 --> 00:29:55,983
No, no.
No, wait a minute.
819
00:29:56,017 --> 00:29:57,583
I always have
tuna on toast.
820
00:29:57,617 --> 00:30:01,483
Nothing's every worked out
for me with tuna on toast.
821
00:30:01,517 --> 00:30:04,350
I want the complete opposite
of tuna on toast.
822
00:30:04,383 --> 00:30:06,850
Chicken salad on rye...
823
00:30:06,883 --> 00:30:08,450
untoasted...
824
00:30:08,483 --> 00:30:11,083
with a side of potato salad...
825
00:30:11,117 --> 00:30:12,683
and a cup of tea! Ha-ha!
826
00:30:12,717 --> 00:30:16,117
Well, there's no telling
what can happen from this.
827
00:30:16,150 --> 00:30:18,483
You know, chicken salad's
not the opposite of tuna.
828
00:30:18,517 --> 00:30:19,850
Salmon's the opposite of tuna,
829
00:30:19,883 --> 00:30:22,517
'cause salmon swim
against the current,
830
00:30:22,550 --> 00:30:25,417
and the tuna swim with it.
831
00:30:25,450 --> 00:30:28,183
Good for the tuna.
832
00:30:29,650 --> 00:30:31,283
Uh, George.
833
00:30:31,317 --> 00:30:33,683
You know that woman
just looked at you.
834
00:30:33,717 --> 00:30:35,150
GEORGE:
So what?
835
00:30:35,183 --> 00:30:36,517
What am I supposed to do?
836
00:30:36,550 --> 00:30:38,017
Go talk to her.
837
00:30:38,050 --> 00:30:39,583
Elaine...
838
00:30:39,617 --> 00:30:42,317
bald men with no jobs
and no money
839
00:30:42,350 --> 00:30:44,350
who live with their parents
840
00:30:44,383 --> 00:30:47,417
don't approach strange women.
841
00:30:47,450 --> 00:30:49,650
Well, here's your chance
to try the opposite.
842
00:30:49,683 --> 00:30:52,417
Instead of tuna salad
and being intimidated
by women,
843
00:30:52,450 --> 00:30:52,539
chicken salad
and goin' right up to 'em.
844
00:30:52,539 --> 00:30:54,850
chicken salad
and goin' right up to 'em.
845
00:30:54,883 --> 00:30:57,283
Yeah, I should do
the opposite, I should.
846
00:30:57,317 --> 00:30:59,083
If every instinct
you have is wrong,
847
00:30:59,117 --> 00:31:02,350
then the opposite
would have to be right.
848
00:31:04,783 --> 00:31:06,817
Yes.
849
00:31:06,850 --> 00:31:08,950
I will do the opposite.
850
00:31:08,983 --> 00:31:10,650
I used to sit here
and do nothing
851
00:31:10,683 --> 00:31:12,250
and regret it
for the rest of the day.
852
00:31:12,283 --> 00:31:14,983
So now I will do the opposite,
and I will do something.
853
00:31:21,883 --> 00:31:22,539
Excuse me,
854
00:31:22,539 --> 00:31:23,150
Excuse me,
855
00:31:23,183 --> 00:31:25,583
uh, I couldn't help
but notice
856
00:31:25,617 --> 00:31:27,483
that you were looking
in my direction.
857
00:31:27,517 --> 00:31:28,950
Oh, yes, I was.
858
00:31:28,983 --> 00:31:31,550
You just ordered
the same exact lunch as me.
859
00:31:32,683 --> 00:31:34,517
My name is George.
860
00:31:34,550 --> 00:31:38,317
I'm unemployed,
and I live with my parents.
861
00:31:41,050 --> 00:31:43,517
I'm Victoria. Hi.
862
00:31:51,450 --> 00:31:52,539
Boy, these pretzels
are makin' me thirsty!
863
00:31:52,539 --> 00:31:53,517
Boy, these pretzels
are makin' me thirsty!
864
00:31:53,550 --> 00:31:56,250
These pretzels
are makin' me thirsty.
865
00:31:56,283 --> 00:31:58,383
These pretzels...
866
00:31:59,317 --> 00:32:01,083
are making me thirsty!
867
00:32:01,117 --> 00:32:04,117
Boy, I'm really startin'
to dislike the Drake.
868
00:32:04,150 --> 00:32:05,250
Hate the Drake.
869
00:32:05,283 --> 00:32:07,017
[SNEEZES]
870
00:32:07,050 --> 00:32:08,750
You are soooo good-lookin'.
871
00:32:08,783 --> 00:32:11,083
You can't believe her,
she's one of these
low talkers.
872
00:32:11,117 --> 00:32:12,683
You know,
because he's a high talker.
873
00:32:12,717 --> 00:32:14,350
He's nice.
Bit of a close talker.
874
00:32:14,383 --> 00:32:16,183
How 'bout you, Jerry?
875
00:32:16,217 --> 00:32:17,650
I'm swamped.
876
00:32:17,683 --> 00:32:19,017
Are you sure?
877
00:32:19,050 --> 00:32:21,650
You could examine
the artwork up close.
878
00:32:21,683 --> 00:32:22,539
ELAINE:
I don't have a square
to spare.
879
00:32:22,539 --> 00:32:23,850
ELAINE:
I don't have a square
to spare.
880
00:32:23,883 --> 00:32:25,683
I can't spare a square.
881
00:32:25,717 --> 00:32:27,683
I need hands.
I have no hands.
882
00:32:27,717 --> 00:32:30,783
[WHISPERING]
Newman! Newman! Newman!
883
00:32:30,817 --> 00:32:33,017
[FLATLY]
Hello, Newman.
884
00:32:33,050 --> 00:32:34,850
So you're still master
of your domain.
885
00:32:34,883 --> 00:32:37,683
Yes. Master of my domain.
886
00:32:37,717 --> 00:32:39,817
I am king of the county.
887
00:32:39,850 --> 00:32:41,350
Lord of the manor.
888
00:32:41,383 --> 00:32:43,850
I'm queen of the castle.
889
00:32:43,883 --> 00:32:46,017
You mean...shrinkage?
890
00:32:46,050 --> 00:32:47,483
Yes.
891
00:32:48,817 --> 00:32:50,517
Significant shrinkage.
892
00:32:50,550 --> 00:32:52,517
So you feel you were
shortchanged.
893
00:32:52,550 --> 00:32:54,150
Yes.
894
00:32:54,183 --> 00:32:55,250
If she thinks that's me,
895
00:32:55,283 --> 00:32:57,150
she's under
a complete misapprehension.
896
00:32:57,183 --> 00:32:59,083
So, what's the difference?
897
00:32:59,117 --> 00:33:00,783
What if she discusses it
with Jane?
898
00:33:00,817 --> 00:33:02,683
Oh, she's not gonna tell Jane.
899
00:33:02,717 --> 00:33:04,950
Couldn't you tell her
about the shrinkage factor?
900
00:33:04,983 --> 00:33:07,017
No, I'm not gonna tell her
about your shrinkage.
901
00:33:07,050 --> 00:33:09,983
Besides, I... I think women
know about shrinkage.
902
00:33:10,017 --> 00:33:11,783
How do women know
about shrinkage?
903
00:33:11,817 --> 00:33:12,917
Isn't it common knowledge?
904
00:33:12,950 --> 00:33:13,983
Aw...
905
00:33:14,017 --> 00:33:15,283
Elaine!
Elaine!
906
00:33:15,317 --> 00:33:16,517
Elaine!
907
00:33:16,550 --> 00:33:18,817
Get-- Come--
908
00:33:18,850 --> 00:33:20,017
What?
909
00:33:20,050 --> 00:33:22,317
Do women know
about shrinkage?
910
00:33:22,350 --> 00:33:22,539
What do you mean,
like laundry?
911
00:33:22,539 --> 00:33:24,150
What do you mean,
like laundry?
912
00:33:24,983 --> 00:33:26,417
No.
913
00:33:26,450 --> 00:33:30,217
Like when a man goes
swimming...afterwards...
914
00:33:32,117 --> 00:33:34,050
It shrinks?
915
00:33:35,983 --> 00:33:38,283
Like a frightened turtle.
916
00:33:43,883 --> 00:33:45,083
Why does it shrink?
917
00:33:45,117 --> 00:33:46,883
It just does.
918
00:33:48,650 --> 00:33:51,883
I don't know how you guys walk
around with those things.
919
00:33:56,701 --> 00:33:59,301
GEORGE:
Um, about the script.
920
00:33:59,335 --> 00:34:00,501
The script.
921
00:34:00,535 --> 00:34:03,201
Now, I've read this thing
three times.
922
00:34:05,435 --> 00:34:07,935
And every time I read it...
923
00:34:11,201 --> 00:34:12,635
What?
924
00:34:14,001 --> 00:34:15,101
Excuse me for a second.
925
00:34:15,135 --> 00:34:16,335
What?
926
00:34:16,368 --> 00:34:17,735
W-would you like
a Pepto-Bismol?
927
00:34:17,768 --> 00:34:20,668
I keep 'em
in my wallet.
928
00:34:20,701 --> 00:34:22,235
Do you think he liked it?
929
00:34:22,268 --> 00:34:24,115
[RETCHING]
930
00:34:24,115 --> 00:34:25,301
[RETCHING]
931
00:34:27,468 --> 00:34:29,768
I'm not sure.
932
00:34:43,001 --> 00:34:44,768
Yeah!
933
00:35:01,135 --> 00:35:04,368
[SINGING OPERATICALLY
IN ITALIAN]
934
00:35:13,301 --> 00:35:16,135
Waaaaaaah!
935
00:35:16,168 --> 00:35:17,835
The air conditioner!
936
00:35:26,301 --> 00:35:27,968
[DOG BARKING, YELPS]
937
00:35:34,868 --> 00:35:36,668
My mother caught me.
938
00:35:36,701 --> 00:35:39,001
Caught you? Doin' what?
939
00:35:39,035 --> 00:35:40,868
You know...
940
00:35:43,535 --> 00:35:46,968
I was alone...
941
00:35:47,001 --> 00:35:48,001
You mean--?
942
00:35:48,035 --> 00:35:49,168
Uh-huh.
943
00:35:49,201 --> 00:35:50,335
[LAUGHS]
She caught you?
944
00:35:50,368 --> 00:35:52,468
Where?
945
00:35:52,501 --> 00:35:54,115
I stopped by the house
to drop the car off,
946
00:35:54,115 --> 00:35:54,901
I stopped by the house
to drop the car off,
947
00:35:54,935 --> 00:35:56,735
and I went inside
for a few minutes.
948
00:35:56,768 --> 00:35:57,968
Nobody was there.
949
00:35:58,001 --> 00:35:59,401
They're supposed
to be working.
950
00:35:59,435 --> 00:36:02,135
My mother had
a Glamour magazine.
951
00:36:02,168 --> 00:36:04,568
I started leafing
through it.
952
00:36:04,601 --> 00:36:05,668
Glamour?
953
00:36:05,701 --> 00:36:06,835
[LAUGHS]
954
00:36:06,868 --> 00:36:09,668
So one thing
led to another.
955
00:36:09,701 --> 00:36:11,235
So, what did she do?
956
00:36:11,268 --> 00:36:14,968
First she screams, "George,
what are you doing?! My God!"
957
00:36:15,001 --> 00:36:17,601
Then it looked like
she was gonna faint.
958
00:36:17,635 --> 00:36:20,001
She started clutchin'
the wall, tryin'
to hang onto it.
959
00:36:20,035 --> 00:36:23,768
I didn't know whether
to try and keep her from
fallin' or zip up.
960
00:36:23,801 --> 00:36:24,115
What did you do?
961
00:36:24,115 --> 00:36:25,301
What did you do?
962
00:36:25,335 --> 00:36:26,801
I zipped up.
963
00:36:26,835 --> 00:36:28,735
So, she fell?
Yeah.
964
00:36:28,768 --> 00:36:31,668
Well, I couldn't run
over there the way I was.
965
00:36:31,701 --> 00:36:33,468
No, I guess you couldn't
have done that.
966
00:36:33,501 --> 00:36:34,668
I wouldn't think so.
967
00:36:34,701 --> 00:36:36,568
So, she fell,
and then she starts screaming,
968
00:36:36,601 --> 00:36:38,401
"My back, my back!"
969
00:36:38,435 --> 00:36:40,968
So I picked her up,
I took her to the hospital.
970
00:36:41,001 --> 00:36:42,801
[LAUGHS]
Oh. How is she?
971
00:36:42,835 --> 00:36:43,968
She's in traction.
972
00:36:44,001 --> 00:36:45,001
I'm sorry.
973
00:36:45,035 --> 00:36:46,135
It's not funny, Elaine.
974
00:36:46,168 --> 00:36:47,235
I know. I'm sorry.
975
00:36:47,268 --> 00:36:49,168
It's serious.
976
00:36:49,201 --> 00:36:51,901
Her back went out, she's gotta
be there for a couple of days.
977
00:36:51,935 --> 00:36:53,001
Glamour?
978
00:36:53,035 --> 00:36:54,115
[LAUGHS]
979
00:36:54,115 --> 00:36:55,568
[LAUGHS]
980
00:36:55,601 --> 00:36:56,801
I'll tell you this though.
981
00:36:56,835 --> 00:36:59,101
I am never doing...
982
00:36:59,135 --> 00:37:00,235
that again.
983
00:37:00,268 --> 00:37:01,801
What?
984
00:37:01,835 --> 00:37:03,568
You mean, in your mother's
house, or all together?
985
00:37:03,601 --> 00:37:04,801
All together.
986
00:37:04,835 --> 00:37:07,635
Oh, gimme a break.
Yeah, right.
987
00:37:07,668 --> 00:37:09,635
What? You don't
think I can?
988
00:37:09,668 --> 00:37:11,168
No chance.
989
00:37:11,201 --> 00:37:12,568
You think
you could?
990
00:37:12,601 --> 00:37:14,701
Well, I know I could
hold out longer than you.
991
00:37:16,301 --> 00:37:18,435
Care to make it
interesting?
992
00:37:19,468 --> 00:37:20,835
Sure. How much?
993
00:37:20,868 --> 00:37:22,168
Hundred dollars.
994
00:37:22,201 --> 00:37:23,468
You're on.
995
00:37:23,501 --> 00:37:24,115
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
996
00:37:24,115 --> 00:37:25,101
Wait a second.
Wait a second.
997
00:37:25,135 --> 00:37:26,968
Count me in on this.
998
00:37:27,001 --> 00:37:28,335
You?
Yeah.
999
00:37:28,368 --> 00:37:30,001
You'll be out before
we get the check.
1000
00:37:32,168 --> 00:37:33,801
I wanna be
in on this too.
1001
00:37:33,835 --> 00:37:35,168
Oh, no.
No.
No, no.
1002
00:37:35,201 --> 00:37:36,968
Not a level playing field.
Why?
1003
00:37:37,001 --> 00:37:38,935
It's a whole different thing.
What? Why?
1004
00:37:38,968 --> 00:37:40,101
Because you're a woman.
1005
00:37:40,135 --> 00:37:41,168
So what?
1006
00:37:41,201 --> 00:37:42,268
It's easier for a woman
1007
00:37:42,301 --> 00:37:43,501
not to do it than a man.
1008
00:37:43,535 --> 00:37:45,001
We have to do it.
1009
00:37:45,035 --> 00:37:48,801
It's part of our lifestyle.
1010
00:37:48,835 --> 00:37:50,568
It's like, uh, shaving.
1011
00:37:50,601 --> 00:37:52,601
Oh, that is such bologna.
1012
00:37:52,635 --> 00:37:53,835
I shave my legs.
1013
00:37:53,868 --> 00:37:54,115
Not every day.
1014
00:37:54,115 --> 00:37:55,501
Not every day.
1015
00:37:57,468 --> 00:37:58,668
All right,
you want to be in?
1016
00:37:58,701 --> 00:38:00,168
Yeah.
You gotta give us odds.
1017
00:38:00,201 --> 00:38:01,268
At least two to one.
1018
00:38:01,301 --> 00:38:03,001
You gotta put up $200.
1019
00:38:03,035 --> 00:38:04,801
No, $1000.
1020
00:38:04,835 --> 00:38:07,401
No, I'll put up $150.
1021
00:38:07,435 --> 00:38:08,768
All right.
You're in for $150.
1022
00:38:08,801 --> 00:38:10,168
Okay, $150.
1023
00:38:10,201 --> 00:38:12,168
All right, now.
How we gonna monitor this?
1024
00:38:12,201 --> 00:38:14,835
Well, obviously we all
know each other very well.
1025
00:38:14,868 --> 00:38:16,501
I'm sure
we'll all feel comfortable
1026
00:38:16,535 --> 00:38:19,535
within the confines
of the honor system.
1027
00:38:21,801 --> 00:38:23,435
All right. Come on.
1028
00:38:24,868 --> 00:38:26,101
ALL:
Yeah!
1029
00:38:29,601 --> 00:38:30,735
Fire!
1030
00:38:30,768 --> 00:38:32,168
[ALL SCREAMING]
1031
00:38:36,368 --> 00:38:38,101
We have sacrificed
everything,
1032
00:38:38,135 --> 00:38:40,668
all for the sake
of our little...
1033
00:38:40,701 --> 00:38:42,368
bubble boy.
1034
00:38:43,335 --> 00:38:44,401
Excuse me.
1035
00:38:44,435 --> 00:38:46,301
Oh, no. Here.
1036
00:38:50,768 --> 00:38:53,068
It's amazing how many
beautiful women live
in New York.
1037
00:38:53,101 --> 00:38:54,115
Well, you're as pretty
as any of them.
1038
00:38:54,115 --> 00:38:55,101
Well, you're as pretty
as any of them.
1039
00:38:55,135 --> 00:38:56,335
Just need a nose job.
1040
00:39:01,601 --> 00:39:04,168
♪ Yankee bean ♪
1041
00:39:04,201 --> 00:39:05,301
♪ Yankee bean ♪
1042
00:39:05,335 --> 00:39:12,135
♪ I like my Yankee beans ♪
1043
00:39:12,168 --> 00:39:14,601
In fact, I hate anyone
that ever had a pony
1044
00:39:14,635 --> 00:39:16,001
when they were growin' up.
1045
00:39:16,035 --> 00:39:17,868
I had a pony.
1046
00:39:20,201 --> 00:39:22,001
Well, I...didn't, uh...
1047
00:39:22,035 --> 00:39:24,115
When I was a little girl
in Poland,
1048
00:39:24,115 --> 00:39:25,135
When I was a little girl
in Poland,
1049
00:39:25,168 --> 00:39:27,401
we all had ponies.
1050
00:39:27,435 --> 00:39:29,001
My sister had pony.
1051
00:39:29,035 --> 00:39:31,468
My cousin had pony.
1052
00:39:31,501 --> 00:39:32,835
So, what's wrong with that?
1053
00:39:32,868 --> 00:39:34,268
Nothing, nothing at all.
1054
00:39:34,301 --> 00:39:36,135
He was a beautiful pony.
1055
00:39:36,168 --> 00:39:37,935
And I loved him.
1056
00:39:37,968 --> 00:39:39,268
Well, I'm sure you did.
1057
00:39:39,301 --> 00:39:40,901
Who wouldn't love a pony?
1058
00:39:40,935 --> 00:39:43,835
Who wouldn't love a person
that had a pony?
1059
00:39:43,868 --> 00:39:45,101
You.
1060
00:39:45,135 --> 00:39:46,235
You said so.
1061
00:39:46,268 --> 00:39:48,135
That's
my father's cabin.
1062
00:39:49,201 --> 00:39:50,801
I just realized,
1063
00:39:50,835 --> 00:39:53,635
you never gave me back
the change from the tolls.
1064
00:39:53,668 --> 00:39:54,115
So you heard
that I was in a car accident
1065
00:39:54,115 --> 00:39:55,935
So you heard
that I was in a car accident
1066
00:39:55,968 --> 00:39:59,868
and then decided to stop off
for some Jujyfruit?
1067
00:40:00,968 --> 00:40:03,568
Well...
1068
00:40:03,601 --> 00:40:05,835
the counter, ahem,
was right there.
1069
00:40:05,868 --> 00:40:09,001
I didn't know
she had a pony.
1070
00:40:09,035 --> 00:40:12,035
Who figures an immigrant's
gonna have a pony?
1071
00:40:13,868 --> 00:40:15,568
I mean, in all
the pictures I saw
1072
00:40:15,601 --> 00:40:19,001
of immigrants on boats
comin' into New York Harbor...
1073
00:40:19,035 --> 00:40:21,535
I never saw one of them
sittin' on a pony.
1074
00:40:23,601 --> 00:40:24,115
But why would anyone
come here if they had a pony?
1075
00:40:24,115 --> 00:40:26,668
But why would anyone
come here if they had a pony?
1076
00:40:26,701 --> 00:40:28,468
Who leaves a country
packed with ponies
1077
00:40:28,501 --> 00:40:30,501
to come to
a non-pony country?
1078
00:40:30,535 --> 00:40:34,301
It doesn't make sense.
1079
00:40:34,335 --> 00:40:37,268
Now we'll open
the peritoneal cavity,
1080
00:40:37,301 --> 00:40:41,568
exposing the body's
internal organs.
1081
00:40:41,601 --> 00:40:43,268
What are you eating?
1082
00:40:43,301 --> 00:40:45,501
Junior Mints.
1083
00:40:45,535 --> 00:40:47,501
You want one?
No.
1084
00:40:47,535 --> 00:40:49,635
I can't see.
1085
00:40:50,535 --> 00:40:51,701
Psst!
1086
00:40:53,035 --> 00:40:54,115
Psst!
1087
00:40:54,115 --> 00:40:54,601
Psst!
1088
00:40:54,635 --> 00:40:56,535
Could you get...?
1089
00:41:01,701 --> 00:41:03,168
Where'd you get those?
1090
00:41:03,201 --> 00:41:04,568
In the machine.
Do you want one?
1091
00:41:04,601 --> 00:41:05,768
No.
Here.
1092
00:41:05,801 --> 00:41:06,901
Take one.
I don't want one.
1093
00:41:06,935 --> 00:41:08,101
No, they're good.
Take one.
1094
00:41:08,135 --> 00:41:09,568
I don't want any.
Just take one.
1095
00:41:09,601 --> 00:41:10,868
No, Kramer.
Stop it.
1096
00:41:15,301 --> 00:41:16,335
[SPLAT]
1097
00:41:16,368 --> 00:41:19,001
It's a Junior Mint.
1098
00:41:19,035 --> 00:41:20,335
Drake's Coffee Cake.
1099
00:41:20,368 --> 00:41:21,968
Snapple?
No, thanks.
1100
00:41:22,001 --> 00:41:23,835
Snapple?
No, thanks.
1101
00:41:23,868 --> 00:41:24,115
PEZ?
Uh, no.
1102
00:41:24,115 --> 00:41:25,101
PEZ?
Uh, no.
1103
00:41:25,135 --> 00:41:26,335
Do you have a box
of Jujyfruits?
1104
00:41:26,368 --> 00:41:27,435
Clark Bar.
1105
00:41:27,468 --> 00:41:28,501
I love Yoo-hoo.
1106
00:41:28,535 --> 00:41:29,635
Ooh, Chunkys.
1107
00:41:29,668 --> 00:41:30,835
Chocolate babka.
1108
00:41:30,868 --> 00:41:31,901
It's Gore-Tex.
1109
00:41:31,935 --> 00:41:32,968
Ooh, cashmere?
1110
00:41:33,001 --> 00:41:34,301
No, Gore-Tex.
1111
00:41:34,335 --> 00:41:37,001
Who's gonna turn down
a Junior Mint?
1112
00:41:37,035 --> 00:41:38,635
It's chocolate,
it's peppermint.
1113
00:41:38,668 --> 00:41:40,335
It's delicious!
That's true.
1114
00:41:40,368 --> 00:41:43,135
It's very refreshing!
1115
00:41:43,168 --> 00:41:44,468
What's goin' on
over here?
1116
00:41:44,501 --> 00:41:46,168
There's a beached whale.
She's dying.
1117
00:41:46,201 --> 00:41:49,201
MAN:
Is anyone here
a marine biologist?
1118
00:41:54,368 --> 00:41:56,935
GEORGE:
The sea was angry that day,my friends.
1119
00:41:59,935 --> 00:42:03,201
Like an old man trying to
send back soup in a deli.
1120
00:42:09,301 --> 00:42:12,268
I got about 50 feet out,
when suddenly...
1121
00:42:12,301 --> 00:42:15,335
the great beast appeared
before me.
1122
00:42:15,368 --> 00:42:19,168
I tell you, he was 10 stories
high if he was a foot.
1123
00:42:19,201 --> 00:42:22,501
As if sensing my presence,
he let out a great bellow.
1124
00:42:22,535 --> 00:42:24,115
I said, "Easy, big fella."
1125
00:42:24,115 --> 00:42:24,868
I said, "Easy, big fella."
1126
00:42:26,635 --> 00:42:29,901
And then... as I watched him
struggling, I realized
1127
00:42:29,935 --> 00:42:32,135
that something was
obstructing its breathing.
1128
00:42:32,168 --> 00:42:33,468
From where I was standing,
1129
00:42:33,501 --> 00:42:35,668
I could see directly into
the eye of the great fish.
1130
00:42:35,701 --> 00:42:37,268
Mammal.
Whatever.
1131
00:42:38,968 --> 00:42:40,335
Well, what did
you do next?
1132
00:42:40,368 --> 00:42:42,001
Well, then,
from out of nowhere,
1133
00:42:42,035 --> 00:42:43,801
a huge tidal wave lifted me,
1134
00:42:43,835 --> 00:42:45,235
tossed me like a cork,
1135
00:42:45,268 --> 00:42:47,001
and I found myself
right on top of him,
1136
00:42:47,035 --> 00:42:48,968
face-to-face
with the blowhole!
1137
00:42:49,001 --> 00:42:51,435
I-- I could barely see
from the waves
1138
00:42:51,468 --> 00:42:52,835
crashing down upon me,
1139
00:42:52,868 --> 00:42:54,115
but I knew
something was there.
1140
00:42:54,115 --> 00:42:55,801
but I knew
something was there.
1141
00:42:55,835 --> 00:42:58,435
So I reached my hand in,
felt around,
1142
00:42:58,468 --> 00:43:01,435
and pulled out
the obstruction!
1143
00:43:21,535 --> 00:43:23,101
What is that,
a Titleist?
1144
00:43:27,001 --> 00:43:29,201
A hole in one, huh?
1145
00:43:30,201 --> 00:43:31,501
So we go in to NBC.
1146
00:43:31,535 --> 00:43:33,668
We tell 'em we got an idea
for a show about nothing.
1147
00:43:33,701 --> 00:43:34,735
Exactly.
They say,
1148
00:43:34,768 --> 00:43:35,935
"What's your show about?"
1149
00:43:35,968 --> 00:43:37,801
I say, "nothing."
There you go.
1150
00:43:37,835 --> 00:43:40,368
I think you may have
something here.
1151
00:43:50,268 --> 00:43:52,368
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
1152
00:43:57,201 --> 00:44:00,535
[ENGINE SPUTTERING]
1153
00:44:13,279 --> 00:44:16,113
Look, why don't you two just
go to the movies by yourself?
1154
00:44:16,146 --> 00:44:17,479
I'm not in the mood.
1155
00:44:17,513 --> 00:44:19,613
Well, me either.
I'm goin' to Sky Burger.
1156
00:44:19,646 --> 00:44:21,546
So you're not goin'?
1157
00:44:21,579 --> 00:44:22,813
You don't need us.
1158
00:44:22,846 --> 00:44:25,479
Well, I can't go
to a bad movie by myself.
1159
00:44:25,513 --> 00:44:29,446
What, am I gonna make
sarcastic remarks
to strangers?
1160
00:44:29,479 --> 00:44:31,813
Oh, I guess
I'll just go to my uncle's.
1161
00:44:31,846 --> 00:44:33,313
Should we tell him
we're leaving?
1162
00:44:33,346 --> 00:44:35,643
What for?
Let's just get outta here.
1163
00:44:35,643 --> 00:44:35,979
What for?
Let's just get outta here.
1164
00:44:42,013 --> 00:44:44,513
Seinfeld, four!
78732
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