All language subtitles for Seinfeld.S03E17E18.The.Boyfriend.720p.HULU.WEBRip.AAC2.0.H.264-NTb

See, to me,
you go to the health club,

you see all these people,
and they're working out,

and they're training,
and they're getting in shape,

but the strange thing is,

nobody's really getting
in shape for anything.

The only reason
that you're getting in shape

is that so you can
get through the workout.

So we're working out

so that we'll be in shape

for when we have to do
our exercise.

This is the whole thing.

The other thing
I don't get about it

is why we're so careful
about locking up

is why we're so careful
about locking up

our dirty towels
and smelly jockstraps.

What exactly is the black
market on these disgusting
gym clothes?

I'll give my car
to any valet guy

in front of a restaurant

because he's got
a short red jacket.

Hey, he must be the valet guy.

I don't even think about it.

But my stinking,
putrefied gym clothes?

I got one of these--
I've got one of these locks

you could put a bullet
through it and it won't open.

That stuff is safe.

Wide open.
I was wide open underneath.

I had three inches
on that guy.

See, you two
were hogging the ball.

Me? It wasn't me.
I never even saw the ball.

All you do is dribble.

I have to dribble.

If I give it to you,
you just shoot.

You're a chucker.

Oh, I'm a chucker?

Every time you get the ball,
you shoot.

I can't believe
you called me a chucker.

No way I'm a chucker.

I do not chuck.
Never chucked.

Never have chucked,
never will chuck.

No chuck!

You chuck.

Kramer, am I a chucker?

Oh, you're a chucker.

My God, I'm a chucker.

All these years
I've been chucking,

you never told me?

Well, it's not an easy thing
to bring up.

Hey, you know,

this is the first time
we ever saw each other naked?

Believe me,
I didn't see anything.

Oh, you didn't sneak a peek?

No. Did you?

Yeah, I snuck a peek.

Well, why?

Why not?

Why not?

What about you, George?

Oh. Yeah, I...

snuck a peek.

But it was so fast,
I didn't see anything.

It was just a blur.

I made a conscious effort
not to look.

There's certain information
I just don't want to have.

Okay...

I got to go meet Newman.

All right, I'll see you later.

Have a good one.
All right.

Yeah.

Look at this guy.

Look at this guy.

Does he have to
stretch in here?

You know who that is?

Who?
That's Keith Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez,
the baseball player?

Yeah, that's him.

Are you sure?
Positive.

Wow!

Keith Hernandez!

He's such a great
player. Yeah.

He's a real smart guy too.
He's a civil war buff.

I'd love to be
a civil war buff.

What do you have to do
to become a buff?

What do you have to do
to become a buff?

So Biff wants
to be a buff?

Well, sleeping
less than 18 hours a day

would be a start.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

You know, I only got

two weeks left
of unemployment.

I got to prove I've been
looking for a job

to get an extension.

Hey, should we say
something to him?

Oh, yeah,
I'm sure he loves

to hear from fans
in the locker room.

Well, he could say
hello to me.
I wouldn't mind.

He's Keith Hernandez.

You're Jerry Seinfeld.

So?
What, are you comparing
yourself to Keith Hernandez?

The guy's a baseball
player, Jerry, baseball!

I know what he is.
I recognized him.

You didn't even
notice him.

What, you're making
some wisecracks
in a nightclub?

Ooh, hoo, hoo, hoo.

The guy was in game six,
two runs down! Two outs!

Facing elimination!

Excuse me.

I don't want to
disturb you.

I'm Keith Hernandez,

and I just want to tell you
what a big fan I am.

I love your comedy.

I love your comedy.

Really?
Oh, yeah, I've always
wanted to do what you do.

Do what I do?

You're one of my favorite
ballplayers of all time!

Mine too.

I love that bit
about Jimmy Olsen.

Oh, really?

Thank you.

You know, Keith,
what I've always
wondered is,

with all these ball clubs
flying around all season,

wouldn't you think
there'd be a plane crash?

Are you performing anywhere
in New York right now?

At this club on
the East Side.
You should come in.

But think about it--

26 teams, 162 games
a season.

You would think,

eventually, an entire team
would just get wiped out.

You know, I live
on the East Side.

I'll give you my number,

just give me a call, and tell
me whenever you want to go.

Or maybe just get together
for a cup of coffee.

Oh, that'd be great.

Well, it's only
a matter of time.

Well, it's only
a matter of time.

Who's this chucker?

It's been three days,
and he hasn't called.

Well, maybe
you should call him.

I can't. I can't.

Why not?

I don't know.
I just feel like
he should call me.

What's the difference?

You don't understand,
Elaine. I don't want
to be overanxious.

If he wants to see me,
he has my number.

He should call.

Ugh! God, look
at this ashtray.

Ugh! God, look
at this ashtray.

I hate cigarettes.

You know, I can't
stand these guys.

You give
your number to them,

and then
they don't call.

Why do they do that?

I'm sorry, honey.

I mean, I thought
he liked me.

We were getting along.

He came over to me.
I didn't go over to him.

I know.
Why did he come
over to me

if he didn't want
to see me?

Here I meet this guy,
this great guy--

Right.
This ballplayer,

the best guy I ever
met in my life.

I know.
That's it.

I know.
That's it.

I'm never giving
my number out
to another guy again.

You know, sometimes,

I've given my number
out to guys,

and it takes them
a month to call.

Hah!

Good. Good.

Well, if he's calling
in a month,

he's got a prayer.

You know, maybe
he's been busy.

Maybe he's been
out of town.

Oh, they don't
have phones
out of town?

I love how people say
they're too busy.

"Too busy." Pick up
a phone!

Takes two minutes.
How can you be too busy?

Takes two minutes.
How can you be too busy?

Why don't you just
go ahead and call him?

Well, I can't call here.
It's a coffee shop.

I mean, what am I
going to say to him?

Just ask him
if he wants
to get together.

For what, dinner?

Dinner's good.

Don't you think
that's coming on
a little too strong?

Isn't that, like,
a turnoff?

Jerry... he's a guy.

I know, but
this is all very
confusing.

When you're in your 30s,

it's very hard
to make a new friend.

Whatever the group is
that you've got now,

Whatever the group is
that you've got now,

that's who you're going with.

You're not interviewing.

You're not looking
at any new people.

You're not interested
in seeing any applications.

They don't know the places,
they don't know the foods.

They don't know
the activities.

If I meet a guy at a club
or a gym, I'll say,

"You're a very nice person,
full of potential.

"We're just not hiring
right now."

Of course, when you're a kid,
you can be friends
with anybody.

Do you remember?
When you're a little kid,

what are the qualifications?

If someone's
in front of my house now,

that's my friend.

They're my friend.
That's it.

They're my friend.
That's it.

"Are you a grown-up? No?
"Great. Come on in!

"Let's jump up and down
on my bed!"

And if you have
anything in common at all--

"You like cherry soda?
I like cherry soda.

"We'll be best friends!"

You know, you only have
two more weeks

before your benefits
run out.

Yes, and I was hoping,

perhaps to get
a 13-week extension,

if that's possible.

So where have you been
looking for work?

Well, you know what
I've discovered, Mrs. Sokol?

It's not so much
the looking

as the listening.

I listen for work.

And as I'm looking

and listening,
I'm also looking.

You cannot
discount looking.

It's sort of a
combination. It's looking...
and listening.

It's sort of a
combination. It's looking...
and listening.

Listening... and looking.

But you must look.

Can you be specific
about any of these companies?

Specific. Uh, let's see...

I've walked in and out
of so many buildings.

They all blend in together.

Well, just give me one name.

One name.
Absolutely.

Uh...

Let's see, there's, uh...

Vandelay Industries.

I just saw them.

I got very close there.
Very close.

What type of company is that?

Latex. Latex
manufacturing,
Mrs. Sokol.

Mm-hmm. And you
interviewed there?

Yes, for
a sales position.

Yes, for
a sales position.

Latex salesman.

The, uh, selling of latex
and latex-related products.

They just wouldn't
give me a chance.

Damn it!

Now, I'm going to need
an address and a phone number

for this, uh,
Vandelay company.

You like gum?

Because I have a friend
in the gum business.

I've got a gum guy.

I make one phone call,
I have boxes of gum

delivered right
to your door.

The address?

Ahem.

(As Jose Jimenez)
The address is...

Jose Jimenez.
Do you recognize that?

No.

(As Jimenez)
Jose Jimenez.

Very funny.

(In Normal Voice)
Really, he's very funny.

The address.

Uh... uh, Vandelay
is, um...

129 West 81st Street.

It's a very
small industry.

It's one of the reasons
I wanted to work for them.

The phone number.

That's, uh, KL5... 8383.

That's, uh, KL5... 8383.

Are you planning on
calling them soon?

Because they have
very strange hours.

As soon as I'm
done with you.

Well, um...

You know what?
I'll check in
with you next week.

I got to run now
because I have--

(Chuckling Uneasily)

I've got a full plate
this afternoon.

Okay.
All right.

Really good to--
to, uh...

He'll call you back!

It's a par 5.

So, you know,
I step up to the tee,

and I hit a beautiful drive

and I hit a beautiful drive

right down the middle
of the fairway.

I mean, you know
my hook, right?
Elaine?

How about this shirt?
Is this okay?

Jerry, he's a guy.

Well, it's a dogleg left,
so I play the hook, right?

Well, hold on.
There's another call.

Jerry! Jerry!

George?
Kramer, put Jerry
on the phone!

Yeah, look,
I'm in the middle
of something.

Call back.
Kramer! No--

Call back.
Kramer! No--

So, the ball takes off.
I'm waiting for it to turn.

Would you--

All right.
Well, I'll talk
to Jerry. Yeah.

Hey, you know,
that was Michael
and Carol.

She's wondering
when we're gonna come over

and see the baby.

Oh, see the baby.
Again with the baby.

Who are they?

Ah, this guy
who used to live
in the building

that keeps calling us
to see the baby.

"You gotta see the baby."

"You gotta see the baby."

"When are you
gonna see the baby?"

Can't they just
send us a tape?

You know, maybe
if you wait a few
more months,

it won't be
a baby anymore,

then you won't
have to see it.

Uh-huh, because
he'll be all grown-up.

Yeah.
Yeah. Hah.

Hey, Kramer,
what do you think
of this shirt?

I don't know.
It's too busy.

It looks like
you're trying too hard

to make an impression
on him.

You're not
being yourself.

What guy?
I know he's just a guy,
but I really like him.

What guy?
I know he's just a guy,
but I really like him.

Who are you
talking about?

Uh, Keith, uh, Hernandez.

Keith Hernandez?

Keith Hernandez!

Do me a favor,
would you?

Would you change lanes?
Would you get
out of this lane?

You gotta
get out of this lane.

This lane stinks.
They're all double-parked.

Get out of this lane,
I'm begging you.

Please. Please!

You know what?

Bad mistake. My mistake.

Bad mistake. My mistake.

Do me a favor.
Go back to the other lane.

Your lane was better.
Forget this lane.

This lane stinks.
Go back to your lane.

Go ahead. Bad mistake.

Go! Go! Go!

Make this light!
Make this light!

Oh...

That's it! Get out!

What do you mean,
get out?

Get out of the cab!

What? I'm not getting
out of this cab!

No! No!

You cannot throw me out!

No! Get... get...

Hello, Newman.

I hate Keith
Hernandez. Hate him!

I despise him.

Why?

Why?

Why? I'll tell you why.

No, let me tell.

You can't tell it.
You always tell it.

All right, tell it.
You just tell it.

June 14, 1987.
Mets-Phillies.

We're enjoying
a beautiful afternoon

in the right-field
stands

when a crucial
Hernandez error

opens the door

to a five-run
Phillies' ninth.

Costs the Mets
the game.

Our day was ruined.

There was a lot
of people, you know,

they were waiting
by the players' parking lot.

Now, we're coming
down the ramp.

Newman was
in front of me.

Newman was
in front of me.

Hernandez
was coming toward us.

As he passes us,
Newman turns and says,

"Nice game,
pretty boy."

Hernandez
continued past us
up the ramp.

Then, a second later,
something happened...

that changed us

in a very deep
and profound way

from that day forward.

What was it?

He spit on us.

And I screamed out,
"I'm hit!"

Then I turned,

and the spit
ricocheted off him,

and it hit me.

Wow. What a story.

Yeah, unfortunately,

the immutable
laws of physics

contradict
the whole premise

of your account.

Allow me
to reconstruct this,

if I may,
for Ms. Benes,

as I've heard this story
a number of times.

Newman, Kramer,
if you'll indulge me.

According to your story,

Hernandez passes you
and starts walking
up the ramp.

Hernandez passes you
and starts walking
up the ramp.

Mm-hmm.
Then you say
you were struck...

On the right temple.

The spit then proceeds
to ricochet off the temple,

striking Newman
between the third

and the fourth rib.

The spit then
came off the rib,

made a right turn,

hitting Newman
in the right wrist...

causing him
to drop his baseball cap.

The spit then
splashed off the wrist,

pauses--
in midair, mind you...

pauses--
in midair, mind you...

makes a left turn,

and lands on
Newman's left thigh.

That is one
magic loogie.

Well, that's
the way it happened.

What happened
to your head
when you got hit?

Well, uh...
uh, my head

went back,
to the left.

went back,
to the left.

Say that again.

KRAMER: Back
and to the left.

Back and
to the left.

JERRY: Back...

and to the left.

So what are
you saying?

I'm saying that
the spit could not have
come from behind,

that there had
to have been
a second spitter...

Behind the bushes,
on the gravelly road.

If the spitter was
behind you, as you claim,

that would've
caused your head

to pitch forward.

So the spit could've
only come from the
front and to the right.

But that's not
what they would
have you believe.

I'm leaving.

Jerry's a nut.

Wait, wait, wait.

The sad thing is,
we may never know
the real truth.

(Wheezing)

(Coughing)

Did anybody call
here asking for
Vandelay Industries?

No. What happened to you?

All right, listen closely.

I was at the
unemployment office,

and I told them
I was very close

to getting a job
with Vandelay Industries,

and I gave them
your phone number.

So now when
the phone rings,

you have to answer,
"Vandelay Industries."

I'm Vandelay Industries?

Right.

And what is that?

You're in latex.

Latex?
Right.

And what do I do
with latex?

And what do I do
with latex?

I don't know!
You manufacture it.

Right here, in this
little apartment?

And what do I say
about you?

You're considering hiring me
for your latex salesman.

I'm gonna hire you
as my latex salesman?

Right.

I don't think so.

Why would I do that?

Because I asked you to.

Well, if you think
I'm looking for someone

to just sit at a desk,

pushing papers around,

you can forget it.

I've got enough headaches

just trying
to manufacture the stuff.

(Intercom Buzzes)

Yeah?
It's Keith.

All right, we're
coming down.

Keith Hernandez?

Yeah. Come on,
Elaine, let's go.

Where are you going?

They're giving me
a ride downtown.

You know, there
had to have been

a second spitter,
but who was it?

Who had the motive?

That's what I've been
trying to figure out

the past five years.

What the hell
are you two talking about?

JERRY: Oh, that
was really fun. Thanks.

Yeah, it really was.

JERRY'S VOICE:
Should I shake his hand?

Well...

Hey, you want to catch
a movie this weekend?

Have you seen JFK?

No, I haven't.

This weekend. Wow!

Sure. That would be great.

Damn! I was too overanxious.

He must have noticed that.

I mean, if you want to.

How about this Friday?

Yeah, Friday's okay.

Go ahead,
shake his hand.

I'm Jerry Seinfeld.

I've been on
the Tonight Show.

Well...
good night.

Good night.

Oh, Jer,
by the way, uh...

the woman we gave a ride
to earlier tonight...

Elaine.
Yeah.

What's her story?

Oh, I don't know.
We used to go out.

Would you mind
if I gave her a call?

For a date?
Yeah.

Oh... no. Uh...

Go ahead.

You got a pen?

You sure you don't mind?

So then we went
to dinner.

Who paid?
We split it.

Split it? Pretty good.

Did you talk about
game six?

Nah. I've gotta wait
until just the right time.

(Intercom Buzzes)

Yeah?

It's Elaine.
Come on up.

So then what?

Uh, nothing.
Then he took me home.

Did you shake his hand?

Yeah.

What kind of a shake
does he have?

What kind of a shake
does he have?

Good shake. Perfect shake.

Single pump, not too hard.

Didn't have to prove anything,

but, you know, firm enough
to know he was there.

So, uh...

you gonna see him again?

He asked me if I was
doing anything Friday night.

Wow! The weekend.

So then, as I was getting out
of the car--

Hi!

Oh, hi, Elaine.
Hi, Elaine.

So...

How was your date?

How was your date?

What date?
It's a guy.

So, you know, uh,

he called me.

Already?

Keith called you?

Huh. This guy
really gets around.

Do you mind?

No, not at all.
Why should I mind?

What did he say?

He asked me out
for Saturday night.

You going?

No, I told him
I was busy.

Oh, really?

So we're going
out Friday.

So we're going
out Friday.

Friday?
Yeah.

He's going out
with you on Friday?

Yeah.

He's supposed
to see me on Friday.

Oh. I didn't know.

We made plans!

Well, I-- I'll cancel it.

No, don't cancel it.

Huh. Well, this is a little...
awkward, isn't it?

Well, frankly, it is.

Well, frankly, it is.

I've never seen you
jealous before.

Well, you're not
even a fan.

I was at game six.
You didn't even watch it.

Wait a second.
Wait a minute.

Are you jealous of him
or are you jealous of me?

Any Hennigans
around here?

(Telephone Ringing)

Vandelay Industries.

Vandelay Industries.

Kal Varnsen speaking.

May we help you?

Oh, hi, Keith.

No, I was just
joking around.

No. No, I don't
mind at all.

(Whispering) No, no, no!
I can cancel.

Sure, we'll do
something next week.
I can--

No, it's no
problem at all.

I--

Okay. Take it easy.

That was Keith.

We're gonna do
something next week.

Hey, what are you
doing Friday night?

Friday night?
Nothing... now.

Friday night?
Nothing... now.

Okay, you want
to come with me
and see the baby?

Oh, fasten your
seat belts.

We're going to see
the baby.

If you don't see the baby now,
you're never gonna see her.

All right, I'll go.

All right.

(Telephone Rings)

I'll get that.

Yello.

What-delay Industries?

No!

GEORGE: Vandelay!
Say Vandelay!

No, you're way,
way, way off.

Well, yeah, yeah,
that's the right number,

but this is an apartment.

No, say--
Vandelay! Say--

Vandelay Industries!

Yeah, no problem,
no problem.

(Sobbing)

How did you know
who they wanted?

And you want to be
my latex salesman?

Just sign here, please.

I know who it was too.

It was the guy
that interviewed me.

He was very threatened by me.

I mean, why else
wouldn't he hire me?

I could sell latex like that.

Just sign that.

Ahem.

Who is, uh, this?

It's my daughter.

This is your daughter?

My God!

My God!

I hope you don't
mind my saying,
she is breathtaking.

You think so?

Would you take
this picture away
from me?

Just take it away
and get it out of here.

Take it away
and put it away.

Let me just
sign this and go.

Let me just
sign this and go.

You know, she doesn't
even have a boyfriend.

Okay. O-- Okay.

Who do you think
you're talking to?

What are you,
you trying to make
a joke, Mrs. Sokol?

Because it's not funny.
I can tell you that.

I'm serious. She doesn't.

You know, it's
one thing to not give
me the extension,

but to tease
and to torture
me like this,

there's no call
for that.

Would you like
her phone number?

Mrs. Sokol, I-- I--
I don't know what to say.

I-- I-- Where should
I sign this thing?

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't worry about it.

Oh...

Unemployment,
it's a tough thing,

even if you get a job
after you've been unemployed,

they take unemployment
out of your check every week

and show it to you
in that little box.

How good can it be
for your confidence

that every paycheck you get

has the word
"unemployment" on it?

has the word
"unemployment" on it?

You can't get it
out of your mind.

You just got the job.

They're already getting ready
for you to be laid off.

I have a friend
who's unemployed.

He's collecting
unemployment insurance.

This guy has never worked
this hard in his life

to keep this thing going.

He's down there every week
waiting on the lines,

and getting interviewed,

and making up all these lies
about looking for jobs.

If they had any idea
the effort and energy

that he is expending
to avoid work,

that he is expending
to avoid work,

I'm sure
they'd give him a raise.

I'm sure of it.

The guy is doing
a tremendous job not working.

So tell me more
about this game six.

Well, there was two outs,
bottom of the 10th.

Yeah.

We're one out away
from losing the series.

Ooh...

Ooh! Kootchie, kootchie,
kootchie-koo.

Hello. How
are you?

So what do
you think?

Do you love her?

Yes, I do love her.

You have
a very nice
place here.

So who do
you think
she looks like?

Lyndon Johnson.

What? Lyndon Johnson?

He's joking.

No. I'm not joking.

She looks like
Lyndon Johnson.

Jerry, I can't believe

it took you so long
to see the baby.

I kept saying
to Michael,

I kept saying
to Michael,

"When is Jerry
going to see the baby?"

I was saying
the same thing.

Let's take
a picture.

Michael, get
the camera.

You don't have
to take a picture.

I don't know
where it is.

It's in the
bottom drawer
of our dresser.

Hurry up!

He's such an idiot.

Jerry,

you want to pick her up?

I'd better not.
I'll pick her up.

GEORGE (Screaming):
No!

Thank you for
a wonderful time,
George.

Thank you for
a wonderful time,
George.

Glad you enjoyed it.

I haven't had a Big Mac
in a long time.

Billions and billions.

Would you like
to come up?

Would I like
to come up?

I would love
to come up.

I'm-- I'm fighting
not to.

Fighting.

Unfortunately,

I, uh, have to get
an early start tomorrow.

Got to get up
and hit that pavement.

But it's Saturday.
All the offices are closed.

But it's Saturday.
All the offices are closed.

I got me an appointment
with a hardware store.

I'm not saying
I want to do it

for the rest
of my life,

but hardware
fascinates me.

Wouldn't you love
to make a key?

Will you call me
as soon as you get home?

Tonight?
Yes.

Will I call you
when I get home?

What do you think?

(Snorts)
You kill me.

You really kill me.

You really kill me.

Well, good night.

It was an accident.
Right, Jerry?

It was an accident.

Aw, she's gonna be
all right.

(Squeaky Voice) Here,
baby. Here.
Here, baby.

Baby, baby, baby.
Oh, the baby.

My friend's got a baby.

Got to see the baby.

You've got to come over
and see the baby.

You've got to come over
and see the baby.

Nobody ever wants
you to come over

and see their
grandfather, do they?

"You've got to see
my grandfather.

"You've got to see him.

"He's so cute.
168 pounds, four ounces!

"I love them
when they're this age.

"He's 1,000 months."

You know, the mid-80s

is such a good time
for the grandpeople.

The mid-80s--
you got to see them.

"He went to the bathroom
by himself today."

You know, what's tough
about seeing people

when they have a baby

is that you have to match
their level of enthusiasm.

You know what I mean?
They're always so excited.

"What do you think of him?
What do you think?"

Just once, I'd like to meet
a couple that goes,

"You know, we're
not that happy with
him, frankly.

"I think we really made
a big mistake.

"We should have
got an aquarium.

"You want him?
We don't even want him.

"You want him?"

Thanks for
a nice evening.

This was really fun.

Yeah, it was.

Yeah, it was.

KEITH'S VOICE: Gosh,
should I kiss
her good night?

Elaine's VOICE:
Is he going to try
and kiss me?

I love Cajun cooking.

Really?
You know, my mom's
one-quarter Cajun.

Oh, my father's
half-drunk.

Maybe they should
get together.

Go ahead. Kiss her.

I'm a baseball
player, damn it.

What's he waiting for?

What's he waiting for?

I thought
he was a cool guy.

Come on.
I won the MVP in '79.

I can do
whatever I want to.

Well, this
is getting awkward.

Well, good night.

Good night.

Who does this guy
think he is?

I'm Keith Hernandez.

Uh, who else?

Um, Mookie.

Mookie was there.

You know him?

Well, I don't know him.

I know who he is.

Hmm. He's such
a great guy. You
should meet him.

You know, he's the one
who got that hit--

I know! He got the hit
in game six!

So then what happened?

Nothing. Then he
took me home.

So did you two, uh...

have, uh...

What?

You know.

Milk?

No.

Cookies?

Did he kiss you
good night?

I don't know.

Well, what do you mean,
you don't know?

All right.
He kissed me, okay?

What kind of a kiss?

What kind of a kiss?

Was it a peck,
was it a kiss,

was it a long
make-out thing?

Between a peck
and a make-out.

So you like him.

I don't understand.
Before, you were
jealous of me.

Now you're jealous
of him?

I'm jealous
of everybody.

(Telephone Ringing)

Hello.

Oh, hi.
What's happening?

What?

Oh, um... Uh.

Oh, um... Uh.

Sure.

Um... yeah, okay.

Then I'll see you then.

Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Bye.

Who was that?

That was Keith.

What's going on?

He wants me
to help him move.

Help him move?

Move what?

You know, furniture.

So what did you say?

So what did you say?

I said yes,
but I don't feel
right about it.

I mean,
I hardly know the guy.

That's a big step
in a male relationship.

The biggest.

That's like going
all the way.

And you feel
you're not really
ready for...

Well, we went
out one time.

Don't you think
that's coming on
a little too strong?

Hey.

What's going on?

What's going on?

Keith Hernandez
just asked me
to help him move.

What?

Well, you hardly
know the guy.

What a nerve.

You see?
Wasn't I right
about this guy?

Didn't I tell you?

You're not
gonna do it,
are you?

I said yes.

You said yes?

Don't you have any pride
or self-respect?

I mean, how can
you prostitute
yourself like this?

You gonna start
driving him
to the airport?

You gonna start
driving him
to the airport?

I'm not driving him
to the airport.

Oh, boy.

Hey, Kramer,
do me a favor,
would you?

What?

Don't mention
it to anybody.

I wish you never
mentioned it to me.

I had a great time
tonight, Carrie,

and I will call you
as soon as I get home.

Don't bother.

Bother?
What kind of bother?

I would prefer it
if you didn't.

Why? Is anything wrong?

It's over, buddy.

Done. Finished.

So long. Goodbye.

Adios. Sayonara.

Why?

I've been
thinking about it.

You got no job,
you got no prospects.

You got no job,
you got no prospects.

You're like Biff Loman.

I went to the
hardware store
interview.

You think I'm gonna spend
my life with somebody

because he can get me
a deal on a box of nails?

I thought we
were a team.

If I ever need a drill
bit, I'll call you.

Carrie!

Could you do me a favor?

Could you not mention
this to your mother?

You know,
I hate to brag,

but I did win
11 straight
Gold Gloves.

but I did win
11 straight
Gold Gloves.

I wouldn't have brought
it up, but since
you mentioned it.

I didn't mention it.

Well, I won them anyway.

Well, so what?

I mean, you
played first base.

I mean, they always
put the worst player
at first base.

That's where they
put me, and I stunk.

Elaine, you don't know
the first thing

about first base.

Well, I know
something about
getting to first base,

and I know
you'll never be there.

The way I figure it,
I've already been there,

and I plan on rounding
second tonight at
around 11:00.

Well, uh,

I'd watch the
third-base coach
if I were you,

because I don't think
he's waving you in.

You know,
I hate to say this,

but, um, I really think
that we're hitting it off.

Get it? Get it?

Clever.

What are you doing?

What's that?

You smoke?

Yeah.

I didn't know
you smoked.

Is that a problem?

Uh...

JERRY:
She likes him.

I mean, she
really likes him.

How do you know?
Who wouldn't like him?

I like him,
and I'm a guy.

I suppose he's
an attractive man. I...

Forget that.
He's a ballplayer.

MVP, 1979.

MVP, 1979.

I'm making wisecracks
in some nightclub.

This guy was
in game six.

They're a perfect match.
They, like, go together.

They're like one of these
brother-and-sister couples

that look alike.

I hate those couples.

I could never be
one of those couples.

There are no
bald women around,
you know.

You know, I know
this sounds
a little arrogant,

but I never thought
she'd find someone

she liked better than me,

but, you know,
I guess I had my chance,

and that's that.

You know what
I'd like to do?

You know what
I'd like to do?

I'd really like
to have sex
with a tall woman.

I mean, really tall,
like a giant...

like 6'5".

Really?

What was the
tallest woman you
ever slept with?

I don't know, 6'3".

Wow!

God!

See, this is all
I think about--
sleeping with a giant.

It's my life's
ambition.

So I guess it's
fair to say

you've set different
goals for yourself

than, say, Thomas Edison,
Magellan, these types
of people.

than, say, Thomas Edison,
Magellan, these types
of people.

Magellan? You like
Magellan?

Oh, yeah.
My favorite explorer.

Around the world.
Come on.

Who do you like?

I like De Soto.

De Soto? What
did he do?

Discovered
the Mississippi.

Oh, yeah, like they wouldn't
have found that anyway?

All right.

I got to go
down to the
unemployment office.

You want to
take a walk?

No, I can't.
I've got some
stuff to do,

and then I gotta meet Keith
at my apartment at 3:00,

I'm helping him move.

What?

The guy asked you
to help him move? Wow!

The guy asked you
to help him move? Wow!

I know. Isn't
that something?

He's got money.
Why doesn't he just
pay a mover?

I don't know.
He's got some
valuable antiques.

He's worried
they'll break something.

The next thing you know,

he's gonna have
you driving him
to the airport.

I'm not driving him
to the airport!

I gave.

I gave everything
I could, Mrs. Sokol,

and nothing
was good enough
for her.

Sign here, please.

I don't know
who she's looking for.

I don't know. I'll tell
you something.

She's very particular,
your daughter.

She's very particular,
your daughter.

What, is she looking
for some big
hotshot businessman?

Well, I've got
my pride too.
I'm not gonna beg her.

All right. Just sign it.
People are waiting.

You, uh, like baseball?

That was autographed
by the '86 Mets.

I saw every
inning that year.

It's funny because
I happen to be
very good friends

with, uh, Keith Hernandez.

with, uh, Keith Hernandez.

You know Keith Hernandez?

Know him?
(Chuckles, Snorts)

Would you, uh,
like to meet him?

Oh, come on. Come on.

I can produce Keith
Hernandez right here
within the hour.

All right... You got
one hour.

All right, Mrs. S.

I and my good pal...

Keith Hernandez...

will be right back.

will be right back.

129 West 81st Street,
and hurry.

Or not.

KEITH: Better bring
your gloves.

It's freezing
out there.

It's freezing
out there.

It shouldn't take
too long.

I'd say maybe,
oh, four hours.

Really, though, Jerry,

there's not that much.

First, we got the bedroom.

We got two dressers
and the bed.

Is there a...
box spring?

What's that?

Is there a box spring?

Yeah, there's
a box spring,

but it's attached
to the headboard,

and we'll have to
take that apart.

Then we got the couch.

Is that a sectional?
Yeah, 12 pieces.

A marble coffee table.

Is that a thick marble?

Is that a thick marble?

Three inches thick.

Got it in Italy.
But the big problem

is gonna be
the convertible sofa.

You see,
when you move it,
it tends to open up,

so it's gonna be
real difficult

getting it
down the stairs.

Stairs?

There's no elevator?

No, it's a brownstone.
Three floors.

I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
What?

I can't do it! I can't.

It's too soon.
I don't know you.

I can't help you move.

I'm sorry. I can't.
I just can't.

Hello.

Hello.

Oh. You don't
remember me?

No. Should I?
Yeah, yeah,
yeah, you should,

because I certainly
remember you.

Let me refresh
your memory.

Let me refresh
your memory.

June 14th!

1987.

Mets-Phillies.

You made a big error.
Cost the Mets the game.

Then you're coming up
the parking-lot ramp.

You said,
"Nice game, pretty boy."

Ah! You remember.

Then you spit on us.

Hey, I didn't spit at you.

Oh, yeah, right.
No, no, no.
Then who was it?

The way I
remember it...

I was walking
up the ramp.

I was upset
about the game.

That's when you called me
"Pretty boy."

That ticked me off,

and I turned
to say something,

and I turned
to say something,

and as I turned around,

I saw Roger McDowell

behind the bushes

over by that
gravelly road.

Anyway, he was talking
to someone,

and they were pointing at you.

I tried to scream out,

but it was too late--
it was already on its way.

I told you.

Wow. It was McDowell.

JERRY: But why?

Why McDowell?

Well, maybe because
we were sitting

Well, maybe because
we were sitting

in the right-field stands

cursing at him
in the bullpen
all game.

He must have

caught a glimpse of us

when I poured that beer
on his head.

NEWMAN: It was McDowell.

Oh, boy.

Uh, look, uh, Keith,
we're sorry.

Yeah, I couldn't
be sorrier. I, uh...

Oh, look, guys,
don't worry about it.

Well, I guess
I'd better get going.

Now, what are
you doing?

Well, I gotta move.

You want any help?

I'd love some. You sure?

I'd love
to help you move!

Yeah. Me too!

Yeah. Me too!

Okay, guys. We've
got to be careful
of one thing.

Some of the stuff
is very fragile.

We're gonna have to
handle it like a baby.

Hey, no sweat.

(Telephone Rings)

Hello.

Oh, hi, Elaine.

What's going on?

No, he just left.

You broke up with him?

Me too!

What happened?

Oh, smoking.

You know, you're
like going out
with C. Everett Koop.

Me? No, I couldn't
go through with it.

I just didn't feel ready.

So what are you doing now?

Oh, great idea.

Okay, I'll meet you there
in, like, 30 minutes.

Okay, bye.

Keith! Keith!

What happened?
What happened?
Where's Keith?

You just missed him.
He just left.

What do you
need him for?

What do you
need him for?

Keith! Keith!

Up here! Could you
do me a favor?

I need you to go

to the unemployment
office with me!

I'm--
I'm Jerry's friend--

the guy from
the locker room!

I'm the chucker!

It'll take
five minutes!

Wait!

(Pleading)
Wait!

(Sighing)

(Sighing)

Well, Biff...

What's next?

I don't know.

Excuse me.

I was walking
behind you,

and you dropped
your wallet.

When you're moving, your
whole world becomes boxes.

That's all you think
about is boxes.

Where are there boxes?

Where are there boxes?

You just wander
down the street, going
in and out of stores.

"Are there boxes here?
Have you seen any boxes?"

I mean, it's all
you think about.

You can't even talk to people
because you can't concentrate.

"Shut up. I'm looking
for boxes."

It's just-- after a while,

you become, like,
really into it.

You can smell them.

You walk in the store--
"There's boxes here.

"Don't tell me
you don't have boxes,
damn it!

"I can smell them!"

You become, like, obsessed.

"I love the smell
of cardboard in the morning."

"I love the smell
of cardboard in the morning."

You could be at a funeral.

Everyone's mourning,
crying around you.

You're looking at the casket--

"That's a nice box.

"Does anybody know
where that guy got that box?

"When he's done with it,
you think I could get that?

"It's got
some nice handles on it."

That's what death is, really.

It's the last big move
of your life.

The hearse is like the van.

The pallbearers
are your close friends,

the only ones
you could really ask

to help you
with a big move like that,

and the casket
is that great, perfect box

you've been looking for
your whole life.

you've been looking for
your whole life.

The only problem

is once you find it,
you're in it.

(♪)

(♪)