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1
00:00:01,033 --> 00:00:02,133
Good evening,
ladies and gentlemen,
2
00:00:02,166 --> 00:00:03,500
and welcome to the show.
3
00:00:03,533 --> 00:00:04,966
Ah, the extra buttons.
4
00:00:05,000 --> 00:00:06,633
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
5
00:00:06,666 --> 00:00:07,833
Yeah.
6
00:00:07,866 --> 00:00:10,366
[AUDIENCE CLAPPING]
7
00:00:10,400 --> 00:00:14,200
What kind of a sicko
really would save these,
8
00:00:14,233 --> 00:00:16,800
have them in a huge file?
9
00:00:16,833 --> 00:00:19,033
Drawers that wide.
You know, you just...
10
00:00:21,400 --> 00:00:23,533
"Where the hell
is that button...?"
11
00:00:23,566 --> 00:00:26,700
I mean, is it that hard to get
black round buttons...
12
00:00:26,733 --> 00:00:28,133
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
13
00:00:28,166 --> 00:00:30,000
that they have to make it
into a whole thing?
14
00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:30,133
that they have to make it
into a whole thing?
15
00:00:30,166 --> 00:00:32,133
Like this is such
a great jacket.
16
00:00:32,166 --> 00:00:35,533
The buttons are so unique,
so one-of-a-kind.
17
00:00:35,566 --> 00:00:37,000
You'll never find them.
18
00:00:37,033 --> 00:00:39,466
We'll save you the trouble
of knocking your brains out.
19
00:00:39,500 --> 00:00:41,300
Because we know
they're gonna fall off too.
20
00:00:41,333 --> 00:00:43,233
That's the other point that
they're trying to make here.
21
00:00:49,400 --> 00:00:51,533
WOMAN:
Everyone in my family
is creative,
22
00:00:51,566 --> 00:00:55,866
and even though I'm working
as an accountant right now,
23
00:00:55,900 --> 00:00:59,200
I'd really like to eventually
work exclusively
24
00:00:59,233 --> 00:01:01,566
on my papier-mâché hats.
25
00:01:05,533 --> 00:01:07,800
I--I don't understand,
paper-mâché hats?
26
00:01:07,833 --> 00:01:09,666
Hmm.
27
00:01:10,866 --> 00:01:12,333
What--?
What if it rains?
28
00:01:14,400 --> 00:01:15,963
They're art.
You hang them on the wall.
29
00:01:15,963 --> 00:01:16,700
They're art.
You hang them on the wall.
30
00:01:16,733 --> 00:01:18,466
Ha-ho! Art. Yeah.
31
00:01:18,500 --> 00:01:22,133
It's my creative outlet,
one of my passions.
32
00:01:22,166 --> 00:01:23,533
Any money in it?
33
00:01:24,566 --> 00:01:27,133
"Whoso belongs only to his age
34
00:01:27,166 --> 00:01:30,900
reverences only its popinjays
and mumbo jumbos."
35
00:01:32,033 --> 00:01:34,466
Of course. Right.
36
00:01:34,500 --> 00:01:36,333
Thomas Carlyle, 1864.
37
00:01:37,066 --> 00:01:38,033
Tommy C.
38
00:01:43,866 --> 00:01:45,633
JERRY:
These are the receipts from '85.
39
00:01:45,666 --> 00:01:45,963
and I'm gonna do '86.
40
00:01:45,963 --> 00:01:47,466
and I'm gonna do '86.
41
00:01:47,500 --> 00:01:50,466
I'm sorry. I thought
it was a legitimate charity.
42
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:52,200
I didn't know
you'd get audited.
43
00:01:52,233 --> 00:01:54,366
I don't blame you.
I blame myself.
44
00:01:54,400 --> 00:01:55,700
No, blame me.
45
00:01:55,733 --> 00:01:56,866
Okay, I blame you.
46
00:01:56,900 --> 00:01:58,366
No, no, don't blame me.
47
00:01:58,400 --> 00:01:59,633
What was I supposed to do?
48
00:01:59,666 --> 00:02:01,633
You knew I was on
my first date with Elaine.
49
00:02:01,666 --> 00:02:04,300
You come barging in here,
asking me to contribute money
50
00:02:04,333 --> 00:02:07,000
to a volcano relief fund
for Krakatoa.
51
00:02:07,033 --> 00:02:08,800
It was supposed to erupt!
52
00:02:08,833 --> 00:02:10,633
I find the whole thing
very embarrassing.
53
00:02:10,666 --> 00:02:13,033
Well, you know
what my feelings are about this.
54
00:02:13,066 --> 00:02:15,133
I don't even pay taxes.
Yeah.
55
00:02:15,166 --> 00:02:15,963
That's easy
when you have no income.
56
00:02:15,963 --> 00:02:16,733
That's easy
when you have no income.
57
00:02:18,866 --> 00:02:19,966
Hi.
58
00:02:20,000 --> 00:02:21,300
Hey.
Hi.
59
00:02:21,333 --> 00:02:23,000
Kramer...
[CLEARS THROAT]
60
00:02:23,033 --> 00:02:24,633
do me a favor,
will you?
61
00:02:24,666 --> 00:02:27,666
If you insist on making pasta
in my apartment,
62
00:02:27,700 --> 00:02:30,633
please don't put
the tomato sauce on the pasta
63
00:02:30,666 --> 00:02:32,133
while it's in the strainer.
64
00:02:32,166 --> 00:02:36,400
All the little squares have
hardened red sauce in them.
65
00:02:37,866 --> 00:02:39,966
What's so funny?
66
00:02:40,000 --> 00:02:42,133
Oh, I don't know.
Kramer dating your roommate.
67
00:02:42,166 --> 00:02:43,366
It's funny.
68
00:02:43,400 --> 00:02:45,963
Ha. It's a riot, Alice.
69
00:02:45,963 --> 00:02:46,466
Ha. It's a riot, Alice.
70
00:02:46,500 --> 00:02:48,366
Well, when do you put
the sauce on?
71
00:02:48,400 --> 00:02:50,133
Any other time.
72
00:02:50,166 --> 00:02:54,366
No, no, no.
I like to strain the sauce.
73
00:02:54,400 --> 00:02:55,633
ELAINE:
And...
74
00:02:55,666 --> 00:02:59,700
I could really live
without the tribal music
75
00:02:59,733 --> 00:03:02,833
and the make-out sessions
in the living room.
76
00:03:04,066 --> 00:03:05,533
Yeah, Tina likes the couch.
77
00:03:10,733 --> 00:03:12,333
What are you doing?
What is all this?
78
00:03:12,366 --> 00:03:14,533
Oh, he's, uh helping me
sort my receipts.
79
00:03:14,566 --> 00:03:15,700
I'm being audited.
80
00:03:15,733 --> 00:03:15,963
[GASPS]
You're being audited? What for?
81
00:03:15,963 --> 00:03:18,633
[GASPS]
You're being audited? What for?
82
00:03:18,666 --> 00:03:20,800
Oh, I contributed
money to a charity
83
00:03:20,833 --> 00:03:22,300
that turned out
to be fraudulent.
84
00:03:22,333 --> 00:03:23,833
It's really very boring.
85
00:03:23,866 --> 00:03:25,466
When was this?
86
00:03:25,500 --> 00:03:28,166
A long, long time ago...
87
00:03:28,200 --> 00:03:31,200
in a galaxy far, far away.
88
00:03:31,233 --> 00:03:32,833
I remember you, uh,
89
00:03:32,866 --> 00:03:34,133
donated to some
90
00:03:34,166 --> 00:03:35,500
volcano thing
91
00:03:35,533 --> 00:03:36,700
on our first date.
92
00:03:36,733 --> 00:03:39,033
Volcano? Really?
93
00:03:39,733 --> 00:03:41,000
Oh, wait a minute.
94
00:03:41,033 --> 00:03:42,366
Don't tell me
that that was--
95
00:03:42,400 --> 00:03:44,366
Something to drink?
96
00:03:44,400 --> 00:03:45,963
What, did you think
That would impress me?
97
00:03:45,963 --> 00:03:46,533
What, did you think
That would impress me?
98
00:03:46,566 --> 00:03:47,966
You've got me
all wrong.
99
00:03:48,000 --> 00:03:51,366
I was thinking only
of the poor Krakatoan.
100
00:03:51,400 --> 00:03:53,666
Like you'd make this donation
for 50 bucks,
101
00:03:53,700 --> 00:03:55,666
and I'd start
tearing my clothes off?
102
00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:58,333
Those brave Krakatoans!
[LAUGHS]
103
00:03:59,333 --> 00:04:01,633
East of Java...
104
00:04:01,666 --> 00:04:05,133
who sacrificed so much
for so long.
105
00:04:05,166 --> 00:04:06,700
And now you're being
audited because of it.
106
00:04:06,733 --> 00:04:07,966
See, that's karma.
107
00:04:08,000 --> 00:04:09,200
No, that's Krama.
108
00:04:13,533 --> 00:04:15,133
So, what are
you gonna do?
109
00:04:15,166 --> 00:04:15,963
It's all
taken care of.
110
00:04:15,963 --> 00:04:16,966
It's all
taken care of.
111
00:04:17,000 --> 00:04:18,300
How is that?
112
00:04:18,333 --> 00:04:19,300
[CHUCKLES]
113
00:04:19,333 --> 00:04:20,500
JERRY:
An old friend of mine,
114
00:04:20,533 --> 00:04:21,966
whom you may have met,
115
00:04:22,000 --> 00:04:23,300
George Costanza,
116
00:04:23,333 --> 00:04:24,866
has recently become intimate
117
00:04:24,900 --> 00:04:27,533
with a female accountant
who was formerly...
118
00:04:27,566 --> 00:04:30,300
a highly placed official
with a little outfit...
119
00:04:30,333 --> 00:04:33,533
known as the IRS.
120
00:04:33,566 --> 00:04:36,633
And as we speak,
at this very moment,
121
00:04:36,666 --> 00:04:38,133
he is handing
over to her
122
00:04:38,166 --> 00:04:41,200
all of my pertinent
tax information,
123
00:04:41,233 --> 00:04:43,633
and she has assured us
124
00:04:43,666 --> 00:04:45,963
that the matter is well within
her field of expertise.
125
00:04:45,963 --> 00:04:47,033
that the matter is well within
her field of expertise.
126
00:04:47,066 --> 00:04:48,866
Mm-hmm.
127
00:04:49,666 --> 00:04:50,966
Why is she doing this?
128
00:04:51,000 --> 00:04:53,166
I don't know.
It must be love.
129
00:04:53,200 --> 00:04:55,833
I don't think we should
see each other anymore.
130
00:04:57,200 --> 00:04:59,700
You're great, but...
131
00:04:59,733 --> 00:05:02,466
I'm --I'm riddled
with personal problems.
132
00:05:02,500 --> 00:05:03,666
What's wrong?
What did I do?
133
00:05:03,700 --> 00:05:04,966
But-- Nothing.
It's not you.
134
00:05:05,000 --> 00:05:06,700
It's me. I...
135
00:05:06,733 --> 00:05:09,133
I have a fear
of commitment.
136
00:05:09,166 --> 00:05:10,333
I don't know how to love.
137
00:05:10,366 --> 00:05:12,166
You hate my earrings,
don't you?
138
00:05:12,200 --> 00:05:13,833
No, no.
139
00:05:13,866 --> 00:05:15,866
And you didn't comment
on the chopsticks.
140
00:05:15,900 --> 00:05:15,963
I love the chopsticks.
I--
141
00:05:15,963 --> 00:05:17,200
I love the chopsticks.
I--
142
00:05:17,233 --> 00:05:20,233
I personally prefer a fork,
but they look very nice.
143
00:05:21,866 --> 00:05:23,466
You're not telling me
the truth.
144
00:05:23,500 --> 00:05:24,900
I must've done
something.
145
00:05:26,000 --> 00:05:27,466
I have a fear of intimacy.
146
00:05:27,500 --> 00:05:28,633
Don't give me clichés.
147
00:05:28,666 --> 00:05:30,866
I have a right to know.
What did I do wrong?
148
00:05:30,900 --> 00:05:32,000
Nothing. It's not you.
149
00:05:32,033 --> 00:05:33,633
I want the truth!
150
00:05:33,666 --> 00:05:34,700
The truth!
151
00:05:34,733 --> 00:05:37,133
You want the truth?
152
00:05:37,166 --> 00:05:38,800
It is your earrings!
153
00:05:38,833 --> 00:05:40,300
It is your chopsticks!
154
00:05:40,333 --> 00:05:41,966
But it's so much more!
155
00:05:42,000 --> 00:05:43,033
You're pretentious!
156
00:05:43,066 --> 00:05:45,466
You call everyone
by their full name.
157
00:05:45,500 --> 00:05:45,963
You called my doorman,
Sammy, "Samuel,"
158
00:05:45,963 --> 00:05:48,366
You called my doorman,
Sammy, "Samuel,"
159
00:05:48,400 --> 00:05:49,866
but you didn't even say
"Samuel."
160
00:05:49,900 --> 00:05:52,200
You went "Sam-u-el."
161
00:05:52,233 --> 00:05:54,033
Papier-mâché?
162
00:05:54,066 --> 00:05:56,400
What is papier-mâché?
163
00:05:58,000 --> 00:05:59,133
Keep going.
164
00:05:59,166 --> 00:06:03,966
I-- I think I made
my point.
165
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:05,833
I'm-- I'm sorry
if I was a little harsh.
166
00:06:06,866 --> 00:06:07,966
No.
167
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:09,033
I asked for the truth.
168
00:06:09,066 --> 00:06:11,533
Thank you
for being so honest.
169
00:06:13,166 --> 00:06:14,300
Can I, uh...?
170
00:06:14,333 --> 00:06:15,800
Can I walk you
back to work?
171
00:06:15,833 --> 00:06:15,963
I really prefer
to go alone.
172
00:06:15,963 --> 00:06:17,566
I really prefer
to go alone.
173
00:06:19,900 --> 00:06:20,966
How much do I owe?
174
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,833
[SCOFFS]
Oh, please.
175
00:06:23,666 --> 00:06:25,700
Four dollars is fine.
176
00:06:26,833 --> 00:06:28,533
If this audit
had happened to me,
177
00:06:28,566 --> 00:06:30,533
and I didn't have
this woman to help me,
178
00:06:30,566 --> 00:06:31,866
I would've
killed this man.
179
00:06:31,900 --> 00:06:33,500
I would've strangled
the life out of him
180
00:06:33,533 --> 00:06:34,533
with my bare hands.
181
00:06:34,566 --> 00:06:35,633
I don't blame you.
182
00:06:35,666 --> 00:06:37,033
Have you ever been
through an audit?
183
00:06:37,066 --> 00:06:38,466
No.
It's hell!
184
00:06:38,500 --> 00:06:39,700
It's the financial equivalent
185
00:06:39,733 --> 00:06:42,300
of a complete
rectal examination.
186
00:06:42,333 --> 00:06:44,300
I would've
killed this man.
187
00:06:44,333 --> 00:06:45,963
Torn him limb from limb.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
188
00:06:45,963 --> 00:06:45,966
Torn him limb from limb.
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
189
00:06:46,000 --> 00:06:49,000
Ripped the flesh
right off his bones.
190
00:06:51,666 --> 00:06:53,000
Yeah?
It's George.
191
00:06:53,033 --> 00:06:54,000
Come on up.
192
00:06:54,666 --> 00:06:56,500
Ah, there he is,
193
00:06:56,533 --> 00:06:58,200
the man himself,
194
00:06:58,233 --> 00:07:00,033
George Louis Costanza.
195
00:07:00,066 --> 00:07:02,533
Here I am, about to go
to the electric chair,
196
00:07:02,566 --> 00:07:05,333
and my oldest friend
is dating the governor.
197
00:07:07,700 --> 00:07:10,666
My whole life has been
a complete waste of time.
198
00:07:10,700 --> 00:07:12,200
And there's
so much more to go.
199
00:07:12,233 --> 00:07:14,033
Okay. Now I know
what I'm supposed to do.
200
00:07:14,066 --> 00:07:15,466
It is so simple.
201
00:07:15,500 --> 00:07:15,963
Tell the truth.
202
00:07:15,963 --> 00:07:16,466
Tell the truth.
203
00:07:16,500 --> 00:07:19,366
That's all.
Just tell the truth.
204
00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,166
So, what happened?
You give her my tax papers?
205
00:07:21,200 --> 00:07:23,900
What?
My papers?
206
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,533
Oh...
207
00:07:25,566 --> 00:07:26,800
What?
208
00:07:26,833 --> 00:07:28,666
Oh, the papers.
209
00:07:28,700 --> 00:07:30,466
JERRY: What happened?
You didn't give her the papers?
210
00:07:30,500 --> 00:07:31,633
GEORGE: No, I did.
211
00:07:31,666 --> 00:07:33,033
So?
212
00:07:35,533 --> 00:07:36,666
I broke up with her.
213
00:07:46,833 --> 00:07:48,133
You what?
214
00:07:48,166 --> 00:07:49,133
I broke up with her.
215
00:07:49,166 --> 00:07:50,800
I'm being audited,
216
00:07:50,833 --> 00:07:51,966
and you broke up
with her?
217
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:53,466
It's okay.
It's fine.
218
00:07:53,500 --> 00:07:55,300
She'll do it. I'm sure
she'll still do it.
219
00:07:55,333 --> 00:07:57,700
Why? Why would
she still do it?
220
00:07:57,733 --> 00:07:59,300
She hates you now.
221
00:07:59,333 --> 00:08:01,166
People don't do you favors
after you dump them.
222
00:08:01,200 --> 00:08:02,466
No, no. We--
223
00:08:02,500 --> 00:08:05,133
We left on good terms.
How is that possible?
224
00:08:05,166 --> 00:08:06,666
Because I, uh...
225
00:08:07,400 --> 00:08:08,533
I told her the truth.
226
00:08:08,566 --> 00:08:10,300
Oh, my God.
227
00:08:10,333 --> 00:08:11,333
It's okay.
228
00:08:11,366 --> 00:08:12,366
It's unheard of!
229
00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,366
She asked me to.
230
00:08:13,400 --> 00:08:14,866
So you lie!
231
00:08:14,900 --> 00:08:15,866
What did you tell her?
232
00:08:15,900 --> 00:08:15,963
I told her that she was...
233
00:08:15,963 --> 00:08:17,366
I told her that she was...
234
00:08:17,400 --> 00:08:18,533
pretentious.
235
00:08:18,566 --> 00:08:19,700
Pretentious?
236
00:08:19,733 --> 00:08:21,833
The woman has my tax papers.
237
00:08:21,866 --> 00:08:23,366
You told her
she's pretentious?
238
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:25,033
The IRS...
239
00:08:25,066 --> 00:08:26,166
they're like the mafia!
240
00:08:26,200 --> 00:08:28,033
They can take
anything they want!
241
00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:30,166
How would you it
if someone told you the truth?
242
00:08:30,200 --> 00:08:31,633
Like what?
What could they say?
243
00:08:31,666 --> 00:08:33,133
There are plenty of things
to say.
244
00:08:33,166 --> 00:08:35,700
Like what? I'm bald?
What is it specifically?
245
00:08:35,733 --> 00:08:37,866
Is--? Is there an odor
I'm not aware of?
246
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:39,333
George, please.
247
00:08:39,366 --> 00:08:40,533
What? Give me one.
248
00:08:40,566 --> 00:08:42,000
You sure?
Yes.
249
00:08:42,900 --> 00:08:44,500
Okay.
250
00:08:46,233 --> 00:08:49,166
You're extremely...
251
00:08:49,200 --> 00:08:51,000
careful with money.
252
00:08:52,833 --> 00:08:53,800
I'm what?
253
00:08:53,833 --> 00:08:55,666
Oh, forget it.
I'm cheap?
254
00:08:55,700 --> 00:08:57,033
You think I'm cheap?
ELAINE: See?
255
00:08:57,066 --> 00:08:59,333
How could you say that to me?
I can't believe this!
256
00:08:59,366 --> 00:09:01,666
How could you say that to me?
You asked me to!
257
00:09:01,700 --> 00:09:02,666
You should've lied!
258
00:09:02,700 --> 00:09:04,133
Ah! So should you!
259
00:09:04,166 --> 00:09:05,533
Okay, wait a second,
wait a second.
260
00:09:05,566 --> 00:09:06,633
What happened
to my papers?
261
00:09:06,666 --> 00:09:08,200
I mean, I'm not really
working right now.
262
00:09:08,233 --> 00:09:09,200
I know!
263
00:09:09,233 --> 00:09:12,233
When I was working,
I spent, baby!
264
00:09:14,333 --> 00:09:15,963
Yeah, I know.
Champagne, limos, cigars.
265
00:09:15,963 --> 00:09:17,200
Yeah, I know.
Champagne, limos, cigars.
266
00:09:17,233 --> 00:09:18,800
What happened to the papers?
267
00:09:18,833 --> 00:09:21,366
She put them in her pocketbook.
I guess she took them with her.
268
00:09:21,400 --> 00:09:22,866
Her pocketbook or her handbag?
269
00:09:22,900 --> 00:09:24,466
Is that relevant?
270
00:09:24,500 --> 00:09:25,700
She took them.
271
00:09:25,733 --> 00:09:28,300
Call her office.
272
00:09:28,333 --> 00:09:29,733
Give me the phone.
273
00:09:37,166 --> 00:09:40,700
Yeah, hi. I'd like
to speak to Patrice.
274
00:09:40,733 --> 00:09:41,866
What?
275
00:09:43,333 --> 00:09:44,400
Oh, really.
276
00:09:45,500 --> 00:09:45,963
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
277
00:09:45,963 --> 00:09:47,366
Oh, okay.
Thank you.
278
00:09:48,666 --> 00:09:49,700
Huh.
279
00:09:49,733 --> 00:09:51,366
What? What?
280
00:09:52,566 --> 00:09:54,400
She never came
back from lunch.
281
00:09:55,366 --> 00:09:56,566
This is no good.
282
00:09:58,900 --> 00:10:00,233
This is no good.
283
00:10:02,000 --> 00:10:03,033
Call her house.
284
00:10:03,066 --> 00:10:05,400
[MUTTERS]
Yeah, yeah, call her house.
285
00:10:09,233 --> 00:10:10,800
Hi. Are you okay?
286
00:10:10,833 --> 00:10:14,833
N-No. No, no. N--
287
00:10:15,900 --> 00:10:15,963
[LAUGHS]
288
00:10:15,963 --> 00:10:17,033
[LAUGHS]
289
00:10:18,900 --> 00:10:20,500
She hung up.
290
00:10:22,000 --> 00:10:24,466
Not good.
291
00:10:24,500 --> 00:10:28,033
All right, look, there's
nothing to be worried about.
292
00:10:28,066 --> 00:10:29,966
She's just a little
annoyed right now.
293
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:32,133
Tomorrow I'll personally
go over there.
294
00:10:32,166 --> 00:10:36,000
I'll apologize.
I'll get the papers.
295
00:10:36,033 --> 00:10:37,200
Don't worry.
296
00:10:37,233 --> 00:10:38,866
Don't worry.
297
00:10:40,833 --> 00:10:42,733
Not good.
298
00:10:44,033 --> 00:10:45,000
[KNOCKING ON GLASS]
299
00:10:45,033 --> 00:10:45,963
Yeah, it's a windshield.
300
00:10:45,963 --> 00:10:48,800
Yeah, it's a windshield.
301
00:10:48,833 --> 00:10:50,533
I can see that.
302
00:10:50,566 --> 00:10:51,800
What's it for?
303
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,866
I found it on the road.
304
00:10:56,333 --> 00:10:57,800
[INTERCOM BUZZES]
305
00:10:57,833 --> 00:10:59,300
Yeah?
306
00:10:59,333 --> 00:11:01,800
ELAINE:
I just finished working out.Are you busy?
307
00:11:01,833 --> 00:11:02,733
No. Come on up.
308
00:11:03,833 --> 00:11:08,033
Can you believe
somebody threw this out?
309
00:11:08,066 --> 00:11:10,200
You know, I'm gonna make
a coffee table out of this
310
00:11:10,233 --> 00:11:11,200
and surprise Tina.
311
00:11:11,233 --> 00:11:14,200
Well, wouldn't it be invisible?
312
00:11:14,233 --> 00:11:15,500
I mean, what,
are you gonna
313
00:11:15,533 --> 00:11:15,963
just sense
it's in front of the couch?
314
00:11:15,963 --> 00:11:17,466
just sense
it's in front of the couch?
315
00:11:17,500 --> 00:11:19,066
I don't know.
316
00:11:28,733 --> 00:11:29,666
Hello.
317
00:11:30,666 --> 00:11:32,066
Hello.
318
00:11:34,666 --> 00:11:36,166
What's with you two?
319
00:11:38,066 --> 00:11:40,000
You haven't told him?
320
00:11:40,033 --> 00:11:41,166
Told me what?
321
00:11:42,233 --> 00:11:43,700
[SCOFFS]
322
00:11:43,733 --> 00:11:45,533
Go ahead.
323
00:11:45,566 --> 00:11:45,963
Tell him.
324
00:11:45,963 --> 00:11:46,533
Tell him.
325
00:11:46,566 --> 00:11:47,633
I--
326
00:11:47,666 --> 00:11:48,900
I saw her naked.
327
00:11:55,400 --> 00:11:56,866
He saw me naked.
328
00:11:58,533 --> 00:11:59,833
Kramer...
329
00:11:59,866 --> 00:12:02,366
saw me naked.
330
00:12:02,400 --> 00:12:04,533
Well, you know,
it was an accident.
331
00:12:04,566 --> 00:12:07,633
Who walks into a woman's bedroom
without knocking? I wanna know.
332
00:12:07,666 --> 00:12:08,833
I thought it was a closet.
333
00:12:11,900 --> 00:12:12,866
Completely naked?
334
00:12:12,900 --> 00:12:15,900
Completely naked.
335
00:12:16,566 --> 00:12:17,633
Jerry!
336
00:12:17,666 --> 00:12:19,233
How can I go on?
337
00:12:22,900 --> 00:12:24,966
All right,
I'll tell you what.
338
00:12:25,000 --> 00:12:26,533
If it's gonna make you
feel any better,
339
00:12:26,566 --> 00:12:29,366
you can see me naked.
No, thank you.
340
00:12:29,400 --> 00:12:31,200
No, I want you to see me naked.
341
00:12:31,233 --> 00:12:33,000
No, no, no.
No, I want to show you.
342
00:12:33,033 --> 00:12:35,866
No, Jerry! Jerry!
Hold it just a second.
343
00:12:35,900 --> 00:12:39,133
Let's not lose our heads here.
344
00:12:39,166 --> 00:12:42,033
Now, Kramer, you know you're
always welcome in my home,
345
00:12:42,066 --> 00:12:44,700
but as far as
Mr. Johnson is concerned...
346
00:12:44,733 --> 00:12:45,963
that's another story.
347
00:12:45,963 --> 00:12:46,333
that's another story.
348
00:12:48,066 --> 00:12:49,700
[GROANS]
349
00:12:49,733 --> 00:12:51,200
ELAINE:
What is this?
350
00:12:51,233 --> 00:12:53,133
Well, it's a windshield.
351
00:12:53,166 --> 00:12:55,033
It's gonna be
your new coffee table.
352
00:12:55,066 --> 00:12:56,200
Oh...
353
00:12:56,233 --> 00:12:58,033
I'm gonna kill myself
on that thing!
354
00:12:58,066 --> 00:12:59,466
You can't even see it!
355
00:12:59,500 --> 00:13:01,166
You'll sense it.
356
00:13:06,000 --> 00:13:07,133
Well?
357
00:13:07,166 --> 00:13:08,800
What happened?
Was she there?
358
00:13:08,833 --> 00:13:10,133
No. No, she wasn't.
359
00:13:10,166 --> 00:13:12,166
You didn't get my papers?
360
00:13:12,200 --> 00:13:13,233
No, I didn't.
361
00:13:16,166 --> 00:13:17,733
Well, where is she?
362
00:13:18,733 --> 00:13:21,000
A mental institution.
363
00:13:22,333 --> 00:13:25,300
Why is it so difficult,
uncomfortable to be naked?
364
00:13:25,333 --> 00:13:27,800
It's because
when you have clothes on,
365
00:13:27,833 --> 00:13:30,133
you can always kind of make
those little adjustments
366
00:13:30,166 --> 00:13:31,300
which people love to do.
367
00:13:31,333 --> 00:13:32,800
You feel like you're
getting it together.
368
00:13:32,833 --> 00:13:34,966
"Yeah. Yeah, I look pretty good.
369
00:13:35,000 --> 00:13:37,333
Feeling good, looking good,
you know."
370
00:13:37,366 --> 00:13:38,533
but when you're naked,
it's like...
371
00:13:38,566 --> 00:13:39,700
It's so final.
372
00:13:39,733 --> 00:13:41,700
"You're just, well...
373
00:13:41,733 --> 00:13:42,800
"That's it.
374
00:13:42,833 --> 00:13:45,000
[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]
375
00:13:45,033 --> 00:13:45,963
There's nothing else I can do."
376
00:13:45,963 --> 00:13:47,133
There's nothing else I can do."
377
00:13:47,166 --> 00:13:50,200
That's why I like to wear
a belt when I'm naked.
378
00:13:50,233 --> 00:13:52,700
Because I feel
it gives me something, some--
379
00:13:52,733 --> 00:13:55,533
You know, I'm naked,
but, you know.
380
00:13:55,566 --> 00:13:58,033
I'd like to get pockets
to hang off of the belt.
381
00:13:58,066 --> 00:14:00,866
That would be-- Wouldn't that
be the ultimate thing?
382
00:14:00,900 --> 00:14:04,200
To be naked
and still be able to do this.
383
00:14:04,233 --> 00:14:06,666
I think that would
really help a lot.
384
00:14:10,200 --> 00:14:12,033
JERRY:
A mental institution?
385
00:14:12,066 --> 00:14:13,466
You know
what they do in there?
386
00:14:13,500 --> 00:14:15,633
Did you see
Cuckoo's Nest?
387
00:14:15,666 --> 00:14:18,300
They put those electrodes
in your head.
388
00:14:18,333 --> 00:14:20,033
It's not really
a mental institution.
389
00:14:20,066 --> 00:14:22,200
It's more like
a depression clinic.
390
00:14:22,233 --> 00:14:24,133
She went out to Woodhaven
and checked herself in.
391
00:14:24,166 --> 00:14:25,533
I'm-- I'm sick over this.
392
00:14:25,566 --> 00:14:26,533
Who told you this?
393
00:14:26,566 --> 00:14:27,700
Her roommate.
394
00:14:27,733 --> 00:14:29,833
I've driven women
to lesbianism before,
395
00:14:29,866 --> 00:14:32,333
but never to
a mental institution.
396
00:14:35,333 --> 00:14:38,533
You know, my friend Bob Sacamano
had shock treatments,
397
00:14:38,566 --> 00:14:39,015
but his synapses
were so large...
398
00:14:39,015 --> 00:14:40,133
but his synapses
were so large...
399
00:14:40,166 --> 00:14:42,800
[CLICKS]
had no effect.
400
00:14:42,833 --> 00:14:47,000
You know, I hate to raise
a crass financial concern,
401
00:14:47,033 --> 00:14:49,300
but was there
any information
402
00:14:49,333 --> 00:14:51,666
as to the whereabouts
of my papers?
403
00:14:52,733 --> 00:14:54,166
Well, she put them
in her pocketbook.
404
00:14:54,200 --> 00:14:56,466
She probably took them
out there with her.
405
00:14:56,500 --> 00:14:57,800
KRAMER: Boy.
So, what now?
406
00:14:57,833 --> 00:14:58,966
I don't know.
407
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:00,166
Can we go out there?
408
00:15:00,200 --> 00:15:02,666
Where?
Woodhaven.
409
00:15:04,866 --> 00:15:06,333
We could.
410
00:15:07,533 --> 00:15:08,866
GEORGE:
I'm very nervous
about this.
411
00:15:08,900 --> 00:15:09,015
I've never spoken
to a mental patient before.
412
00:15:09,015 --> 00:15:12,700
I've never spoken
to a mental patient before.
413
00:15:12,733 --> 00:15:15,533
My cousin Douglas was in
a place like this one time.
414
00:15:15,566 --> 00:15:17,500
Came over to my house
for dinner...
415
00:15:17,533 --> 00:15:19,466
there was no soda...
416
00:15:19,500 --> 00:15:21,700
and he went berserk.
417
00:15:21,733 --> 00:15:24,533
He was screaming, "Where's
the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"
418
00:15:24,566 --> 00:15:27,966
I should be
in a place like this.
419
00:15:28,000 --> 00:15:29,800
I envy this woman.
420
00:15:29,833 --> 00:15:33,000
You get to wear
slippers all day.
421
00:15:33,033 --> 00:15:35,233
Friends visit,
they pity you.
422
00:15:36,033 --> 00:15:38,200
Pity's very underrated.
423
00:15:38,233 --> 00:15:39,015
I like it.
It's good.
424
00:15:39,015 --> 00:15:40,333
I like it.
It's good.
425
00:15:40,366 --> 00:15:42,466
Plus they give you those
word association tests.
426
00:15:42,500 --> 00:15:43,700
I love those.
427
00:15:43,733 --> 00:15:46,033
Oh, they're great.
There's no wrong answer.
428
00:15:46,066 --> 00:15:49,200
Potato.
Tuberculosis.
429
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:52,033
Blanket.
Leroy.
430
00:15:52,066 --> 00:15:55,200
Grass.
Tuberculosis.
431
00:15:58,900 --> 00:16:00,366
Oh, boy.
Here she comes.
432
00:16:03,666 --> 00:16:08,333
[TRIBAL DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING]
433
00:16:08,366 --> 00:16:09,015
Oh, my God.
434
00:16:09,015 --> 00:16:09,733
Oh, my God.
435
00:16:15,500 --> 00:16:17,633
WOMAN:
Oh, Krame...
436
00:16:17,666 --> 00:16:19,233
Rrrar.
437
00:16:28,400 --> 00:16:29,800
Kramer!
438
00:16:29,833 --> 00:16:33,033
Kramer, could you please
put something on?
439
00:16:33,066 --> 00:16:34,033
Oh... Oh.
440
00:16:34,066 --> 00:16:35,466
Heh, oh.
441
00:16:35,500 --> 00:16:36,533
Oh, boy.
442
00:16:36,566 --> 00:16:39,015
Listen, you want
some leftovers? Uh...
443
00:16:39,015 --> 00:16:39,133
Listen, you want
some leftovers? Uh...
444
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:42,466
I made some African food.
There's yambalas and sambusa.
445
00:16:42,500 --> 00:16:44,633
WOMAN:
Sweetie...
446
00:16:44,666 --> 00:16:47,133
Are you coming back to bed?
447
00:16:47,166 --> 00:16:49,066
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll be right there, babe.
448
00:16:50,233 --> 00:16:51,200
Oh.
449
00:16:51,233 --> 00:16:52,500
Hi, Elaine.
450
00:16:55,500 --> 00:16:57,300
What did you think
of the coffee table?
451
00:16:57,333 --> 00:16:59,366
[KRAMER CHUCKLES]
452
00:16:59,400 --> 00:17:01,466
It's invisible.
453
00:17:01,500 --> 00:17:03,033
So is everything cool
or what?
454
00:17:03,066 --> 00:17:05,666
Yeah, um, you seem
a little bit dysfunctional.
455
00:17:07,233 --> 00:17:08,800
Well...
456
00:17:08,833 --> 00:17:09,015
Come on, Elaine.
457
00:17:09,015 --> 00:17:09,866
Come on, Elaine.
458
00:17:09,900 --> 00:17:11,666
Just tell us the truth.
459
00:17:13,233 --> 00:17:15,033
The truth?
460
00:17:15,066 --> 00:17:16,566
You want the truth?
461
00:17:17,833 --> 00:17:19,366
Who are you?
462
00:17:19,400 --> 00:17:21,366
Oh, um...
463
00:17:21,400 --> 00:17:25,366
[GENTLY]
This is my friend...
464
00:17:25,400 --> 00:17:26,666
Jerry.
465
00:17:28,833 --> 00:17:30,800
Why are you talking like that?
466
00:17:30,833 --> 00:17:33,200
[ANGRILY]
What do you want?
467
00:17:33,233 --> 00:17:35,033
Want? What--?
What could I possibly want?
468
00:17:35,066 --> 00:17:37,033
I, uh, just came
because I--
469
00:17:37,066 --> 00:17:39,015
I heard so many nice things
about you from George.
470
00:17:39,015 --> 00:17:39,300
I heard so many nice things
about you from George.
471
00:17:39,333 --> 00:17:41,300
George thinks I'm pretentious.
472
00:17:41,333 --> 00:17:42,700
[SCOFFS]
Pretentious.
473
00:17:42,733 --> 00:17:45,000
Wh-who isn't pretentious?
I mean...
474
00:17:45,033 --> 00:17:46,466
If everyone
that was pretentious
475
00:17:46,500 --> 00:17:48,800
was in
a mental institution...
476
00:17:48,833 --> 00:17:52,000
O-o-obviously, this isn't
a mental institution.
477
00:17:53,200 --> 00:17:54,800
You're just trying
to take it all back
478
00:17:54,833 --> 00:17:56,633
because you're feeling guilty
I'm in here.
479
00:17:56,666 --> 00:17:57,800
No,
that's not it at all.
480
00:17:57,833 --> 00:17:59,133
Don't lie, George!
481
00:17:59,166 --> 00:18:00,466
I'm not a liar!
482
00:18:00,500 --> 00:18:02,633
Uh, we're cool.
Everything's cool.
483
00:18:02,666 --> 00:18:03,633
No problem.
We're good.
484
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:05,500
Just chatting.
485
00:18:05,533 --> 00:18:06,566
Very friendly.
486
00:18:09,000 --> 00:18:09,015
Alrighty.
487
00:18:09,015 --> 00:18:10,200
Alrighty.
488
00:18:11,666 --> 00:18:13,833
No reason for us
to raise our voices.
489
00:18:13,866 --> 00:18:16,200
I know what you said.
You can't change that.
490
00:18:16,233 --> 00:18:17,300
What I said.
491
00:18:17,333 --> 00:18:18,833
I say stupid things
all the time.
492
00:18:18,866 --> 00:18:20,133
I can't go two minutes
493
00:18:20,166 --> 00:18:21,200
without saying
something stupid.
494
00:18:21,233 --> 00:18:25,033
It's one stupid thing
after another.
495
00:18:25,066 --> 00:18:26,133
So let me ask you,
496
00:18:26,166 --> 00:18:27,700
when you come to
one of these places,
497
00:18:27,733 --> 00:18:28,900
what do you bring,
your pocketbook?
498
00:18:30,500 --> 00:18:32,800
You should be the one
criticizing me.
499
00:18:32,833 --> 00:18:35,300
I-I'm lucky to even know
someone like you.
500
00:18:35,333 --> 00:18:36,366
Do you mean that?
501
00:18:36,400 --> 00:18:37,466
Of course
I mean that.
502
00:18:37,500 --> 00:18:39,015
I'm incapable of guile.
503
00:18:39,015 --> 00:18:39,133
I'm incapable of guile.
504
00:18:39,166 --> 00:18:40,066
He's never guiled.
505
00:18:40,900 --> 00:18:42,133
JERRY:
You know, some women
506
00:18:42,166 --> 00:18:44,366
keep a lot of important
papers in their, uh...
507
00:18:44,400 --> 00:18:45,633
pocketbooks,
508
00:18:45,666 --> 00:18:47,800
like, for example, oh...
509
00:18:47,833 --> 00:18:50,533
someone else's personal
financial papers.
510
00:18:51,900 --> 00:18:53,833
Papers?
Oh, Jerry,
511
00:18:53,866 --> 00:18:56,233
You're the Jerome
with the tax problem.
512
00:18:57,166 --> 00:18:58,133
You know...
513
00:18:58,166 --> 00:18:59,366
after that date
with George,
514
00:18:59,400 --> 00:19:00,533
I got so cuckoo,
515
00:19:00,566 --> 00:19:02,200
I threw out
all your papers.
516
00:19:02,233 --> 00:19:03,466
So I'd love
to help you,
517
00:19:03,500 --> 00:19:04,833
but I'll just need
the copies.
518
00:19:06,533 --> 00:19:08,566
There are no copies.
519
00:19:09,333 --> 00:19:10,866
So...
520
00:19:10,900 --> 00:19:13,500
are you saying you want
to continue seeing me?
521
00:19:13,533 --> 00:19:16,366
Who makes copies?
522
00:19:17,233 --> 00:19:18,900
The truth is...
523
00:19:20,866 --> 00:19:22,166
I think...
524
00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:23,666
Yeah.
525
00:19:23,700 --> 00:19:25,133
You make a very
526
00:19:25,166 --> 00:19:26,866
nice couple.
527
00:19:26,900 --> 00:19:27,833
KRAMER:
Yeah-hah.
528
00:19:28,566 --> 00:19:29,533
Oh...
529
00:19:29,566 --> 00:19:31,000
Oh, Kramer.
530
00:19:32,033 --> 00:19:35,000
[TRIBAL DANCE MUSIC
PLAYING]
531
00:19:43,400 --> 00:19:44,500
Here, Kramer?
532
00:19:44,533 --> 00:19:47,800
No, no.
Let's go to the couch.
533
00:19:47,833 --> 00:19:49,733
[GLASS SHATTERS]
534
00:19:51,233 --> 00:19:53,200
JERRY:
Yes, I'm trying to get a copy
535
00:19:53,233 --> 00:19:57,333
of a receipt for a computer
that I bought there.
536
00:19:58,866 --> 00:20:00,566
It was 1987.
537
00:20:02,066 --> 00:20:03,633
I remember I talked to a guy
538
00:20:03,666 --> 00:20:06,333
had like a maroon sport jacket,
539
00:20:06,366 --> 00:20:09,000
and he might've had a toupee.
540
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,166
Oh, it was a weave.
541
00:20:11,333 --> 00:20:12,800
Okay, uh...
542
00:20:12,833 --> 00:20:14,700
Well, then, I'll come by.
543
00:20:14,733 --> 00:20:15,866
Okay, bye.
544
00:20:15,900 --> 00:20:18,866
Anybody want to take
a walk down to 48th street?
545
00:20:18,900 --> 00:20:21,500
I think I may have
tracked down another receipt.
546
00:20:21,533 --> 00:20:24,833
I can't. I gotta go visit Tina
in the hospital.
547
00:20:24,866 --> 00:20:27,033
George?
I'm going to a poetry reading
548
00:20:27,066 --> 00:20:28,666
with Patrice.
549
00:20:28,700 --> 00:20:30,800
First-time poets.
550
00:20:30,833 --> 00:20:34,033
It's in a burnt-out building
down by the docks.
551
00:20:34,066 --> 00:20:35,000
It's supposed to be good.
552
00:20:38,566 --> 00:20:39,015
Hey.
553
00:20:39,015 --> 00:20:40,200
Hey.
554
00:20:40,233 --> 00:20:41,866
Are you going
to the hospital now?
555
00:20:41,900 --> 00:20:43,366
Yeah,
I suppose I am.
556
00:20:43,400 --> 00:20:44,633
All right, great, great.
557
00:20:44,666 --> 00:20:45,966
Uh, we'll share a cab.
558
00:20:46,000 --> 00:20:48,333
Oh, you're going by 48th street.
You can give me a ride.
559
00:20:48,366 --> 00:20:49,366
I'm getting in on that.
560
00:20:49,400 --> 00:20:50,366
Yeah.
561
00:20:50,400 --> 00:20:51,466
You know
you're chipping in.
562
00:20:51,500 --> 00:20:53,633
You're going
that way anyway!
563
00:20:53,666 --> 00:20:54,733
Aw, come on!
564
00:20:56,333 --> 00:20:59,500
I was audited last year.
I have been through an audit.
565
00:20:59,533 --> 00:21:02,800
At first I thought, "Well, IRS,
kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us.
566
00:21:02,833 --> 00:21:04,633
"Maybe it won't be so bad.
[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]
567
00:21:04,666 --> 00:21:06,800
Maybe they have a sense of fun
about it, you know?"
568
00:21:06,833 --> 00:21:09,015
But it's-- It's bad.
It's an ordeal...
569
00:21:09,015 --> 00:21:09,133
But it's-- It's bad.
It's an ordeal...
570
00:21:09,166 --> 00:21:11,866
and they don't do anything
to keep your spirits up
571
00:21:11,900 --> 00:21:12,866
through the ordeal.
572
00:21:14,066 --> 00:21:15,966
I think they should take
all your receipts
573
00:21:16,000 --> 00:21:19,166
and put them in one of those
big Lucite sweepstake drums
574
00:21:19,200 --> 00:21:21,366
and just kind of
crank it around there.
575
00:21:21,400 --> 00:21:23,533
You know, give you a feeling
like you might win something.
576
00:21:23,566 --> 00:21:24,800
You know what I mean?
577
00:21:24,833 --> 00:21:27,000
Then they can pull them out
one by one and go,
578
00:21:27,033 --> 00:21:30,800
"Oh, I'm sorry. That's another
illegal deduction,
579
00:21:30,833 --> 00:21:34,200
"but we do have some lovely
parting gifts for you...
580
00:21:34,233 --> 00:21:36,033
Jail."
581
00:21:36,066 --> 00:21:39,000
[♪]
582
00:21:45,400 --> 00:21:48,366
[♪]
39229
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