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1
00:00:03,351 --> 00:00:06,441
Hey, Pete. Guess what I have.
2
00:00:06,484 --> 00:00:08,747
Uh, an upbeat attitude
that secretly annoys me?
3
00:00:08,791 --> 00:00:11,098
Not so secret anymore.
[laughs]
4
00:00:11,141 --> 00:00:14,057
I have receipts.
5
00:00:14,101 --> 00:00:15,493
20 of them in fact.
6
00:00:15,537 --> 00:00:17,408
And per your Pet Perks
loyalty program,
7
00:00:17,452 --> 00:00:20,150
I would like to redeem them
for my free bag of cat food.
8
00:00:20,194 --> 00:00:21,195
[exclaims]
Sorry, my hands are shaking.
9
00:00:21,238 --> 00:00:22,718
It's kind of a big day.
10
00:00:22,761 --> 00:00:25,112
Oh, yeah, um,
that promotion is over.
11
00:00:25,155 --> 00:00:26,983
What are you talking about?
12
00:00:27,027 --> 00:00:29,072
The promotion and how it's over.
13
00:00:29,116 --> 00:00:31,292
It takes a long time
to amass 20 receipts.
14
00:00:31,335 --> 00:00:32,728
Uh-- We have a new promotion.
15
00:00:32,771 --> 00:00:34,947
Buy one snake, get one free.
16
00:00:34,991 --> 00:00:37,428
That's not a promotion, that's
a way to get rid of snakes.
17
00:00:37,472 --> 00:00:38,908
A-And this isn't right.
18
00:00:38,951 --> 00:00:41,128
I mean, I held up
my end of the bargain.
19
00:00:41,171 --> 00:00:44,653
I even made this fanny pack
to house my receipts.
20
00:00:44,696 --> 00:00:47,264
I took a lot of grief
for wearing this fanny pack--
21
00:00:47,308 --> 00:00:49,223
a few compliments
but a lot of grief.
22
00:00:49,266 --> 00:00:50,398
What are you doing?
23
00:00:50,441 --> 00:00:52,748
Bathing myself in your tears.
24
00:00:53,705 --> 00:00:55,707
Can you believe this guy?
25
00:00:55,751 --> 00:00:57,579
You know, Pete, I'm gonna take
this bag of cat food.
26
00:00:57,622 --> 00:01:00,190
I earned it, I deserve it,
and I'm gonna take it.
27
00:01:00,234 --> 00:01:02,366
Really? Cause it seems like
you're just standing there.
28
00:01:02,410 --> 00:01:05,108
Wow. Wow. Wow.
29
00:01:05,152 --> 00:01:08,416
Heart racing,
finding my courage, and...
30
00:01:08,459 --> 00:01:10,896
Time to take what's mine.
31
00:01:10,940 --> 00:01:13,116
-You're being recorded
by security cameras.
-Good.
32
00:01:13,160 --> 00:01:16,511
Justice should be recorded.
It looks like this.
33
00:01:18,687 --> 00:01:20,732
♪
34
00:01:24,693 --> 00:01:26,825
So I tossed the bag
in the back of my truck,
35
00:01:26,869 --> 00:01:28,958
got in the truck,
realized it wasn't my truck--
36
00:01:29,001 --> 00:01:30,307
which is really problematic
37
00:01:30,351 --> 00:01:32,353
because I took a sip
of the coffee...
38
00:01:32,396 --> 00:01:34,006
-[all groan]
-...got that all sorted out,
39
00:01:34,050 --> 00:01:36,792
and then, when I turned
the key in my truck
40
00:01:36,835 --> 00:01:39,099
to high-tail it out of there,
the perfect getaway song
41
00:01:39,142 --> 00:01:40,752
just happened to be
playing on the radio.
42
00:01:40,796 --> 00:01:43,015
BOTH: Was it "Getaway Car"
by Taylor Swift?
43
00:01:43,059 --> 00:01:44,408
No way. You a Swiftie?
44
00:01:44,452 --> 00:01:46,497
Don't call it that, but yeah.
45
00:01:46,541 --> 00:01:48,282
Anyway, it was
"Bad to the Bone."
46
00:01:48,325 --> 00:01:50,458
-That's much better.
-Uh, debatable.
47
00:01:51,546 --> 00:01:53,374
Kat, you have got to be careful.
48
00:01:53,417 --> 00:01:57,639
The karma gods will make you pay
for what you do not pay for.
49
00:01:57,682 --> 00:02:00,076
Oh, I have no regrets.
Pete is a monster.
50
00:02:00,120 --> 00:02:02,122
He tried to sell me two snakes.
51
00:02:02,165 --> 00:02:03,471
That's how you end up
with a hundred snakes.
52
00:02:03,514 --> 00:02:05,125
I know snake math.
53
00:02:05,168 --> 00:02:06,778
CARTER: CJ keeps bugging me
to get a snake.
54
00:02:06,822 --> 00:02:08,345
But I said, "Not until
you get your grades up.
55
00:02:08,389 --> 00:02:10,565
And then still, no."
56
00:02:10,608 --> 00:02:12,958
-What's up with his grades?
-They're not up.
57
00:02:13,002 --> 00:02:14,960
Here's what it sounds like
when I make him do his homework.
58
00:02:15,004 --> 00:02:17,093
"CJ, stop playing video games
and do your homework."
59
00:02:17,137 --> 00:02:19,617
Then he says, "I want to live
with Mom full-time."
60
00:02:19,661 --> 00:02:22,185
Then I put on some T. Swift
and think about my life.
61
00:02:22,229 --> 00:02:24,187
Wait, Max can help CJ.
62
00:02:24,231 --> 00:02:26,189
I would love to help.
I was voted Teacher of the Year
63
00:02:26,233 --> 00:02:28,278
when I taught in that
remote village in Burma.
64
00:02:28,322 --> 00:02:30,759
I mean, I was the only teacher
on that side of the mountain,
65
00:02:30,802 --> 00:02:33,675
but I still think
I would've gotten it.
66
00:02:33,718 --> 00:02:37,200
Ugh, you guys, Daniel has to
go out of town for work again,
67
00:02:37,244 --> 00:02:38,810
so he can't
help me move in tomorrow.
68
00:02:38,854 --> 00:02:41,161
-Oh...
-And I have to be
out of my place
69
00:02:41,204 --> 00:02:42,771
because I already told
my landlord what I really think
70
00:02:42,814 --> 00:02:44,686
about his plumbing skills
and his biker shorts,
71
00:02:44,729 --> 00:02:46,862
and no, he does not own a bike.
72
00:02:46,905 --> 00:02:49,256
Oh, honey, I wish I could
help you move, but I can't,
73
00:02:49,299 --> 00:02:50,648
and I have a pretty good excuse:
74
00:02:50,692 --> 00:02:53,042
I don't like
to help people move.
75
00:02:53,085 --> 00:02:54,565
CARTER: And I don't think
it would be fair for me
76
00:02:54,609 --> 00:02:55,827
to help you move in
with your boyfriend
77
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,612
when we haven't had our moment.
78
00:02:57,655 --> 00:02:59,744
Yeah, we're never
gonna have a moment.
79
00:03:01,006 --> 00:03:03,183
Randi, look no further.
80
00:03:03,226 --> 00:03:06,273
The answer to your moving
problems is right here.
81
00:03:06,316 --> 00:03:07,839
I've got a truck, a tape gun,
82
00:03:07,883 --> 00:03:10,146
and the calf strength
of a longshoreman.
83
00:03:10,190 --> 00:03:13,105
You're a weird lady. Most people
hate to help people move.
84
00:03:13,149 --> 00:03:14,977
I'd rather get kicked
by a horse.
85
00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:16,892
Yeah, we got that, Phil.
86
00:03:19,721 --> 00:03:21,592
So, Randi,
87
00:03:21,636 --> 00:03:23,420
I don't mean to state
the obvious here,
88
00:03:23,464 --> 00:03:27,381
but a major component of moving
is actually moving,
89
00:03:27,424 --> 00:03:30,253
and I can't help but notice
you're not really moving.
90
00:03:30,297 --> 00:03:33,125
I'm sorry, I just got stuck
looking at these pictures.
91
00:03:33,169 --> 00:03:34,866
I mean, I've seen them before,
92
00:03:34,910 --> 00:03:36,651
I just never asked him
about them.
93
00:03:36,694 --> 00:03:38,653
Like, like,
who are these two dudes?
94
00:03:38,696 --> 00:03:42,222
Uh, well, that's Daniel,
the guy you're moving in with,
95
00:03:42,265 --> 00:03:44,920
and the dude next to him
is Barack Obama.
96
00:03:44,963 --> 00:03:47,618
Well, yeah, I know those two,
but-but what about these two?
97
00:03:47,662 --> 00:03:49,011
And who is that old lady?
98
00:03:49,054 --> 00:03:50,795
And what about this canoe?
99
00:03:50,839 --> 00:03:53,276
Like, does Daniel own a canoe
or did he rent the canoe?
100
00:03:53,320 --> 00:03:55,191
What's up with the canoe, Kat?
101
00:03:55,235 --> 00:03:58,281
So, uh, first of all,
that's a kayak.
102
00:03:58,325 --> 00:03:59,804
And I'm sure that is not
the most important thing
103
00:03:59,848 --> 00:04:01,850
for me to be pointing out
right now,
104
00:04:01,893 --> 00:04:03,852
but, you know, I think you're
just freaking out a little
105
00:04:03,895 --> 00:04:05,854
because this is
a really big step for you.
106
00:04:05,897 --> 00:04:08,465
I know, it's just hitting me
that I've only known Daniel
107
00:04:08,509 --> 00:04:09,901
for six months
and there's so much
108
00:04:09,945 --> 00:04:11,425
I still don't know about him.
109
00:04:11,468 --> 00:04:13,383
Have you ever lived
with anyone before?
110
00:04:13,427 --> 00:04:16,343
Well, just roommates. And I did
end up kissing one of them.
111
00:04:16,386 --> 00:04:18,519
And then she got all
Single White Femaleon me
112
00:04:18,562 --> 00:04:20,521
and I had to move out,
cut my hair, change my phone.
113
00:04:20,564 --> 00:04:21,913
It was a whole thing.
114
00:04:21,957 --> 00:04:24,133
Well, has Daniel
ever lived with anybody?
115
00:04:24,176 --> 00:04:25,787
Oh, I don't think so.
116
00:04:25,830 --> 00:04:26,918
He told me I was
the first person
117
00:04:26,962 --> 00:04:28,703
that he sees a real future with.
118
00:04:28,746 --> 00:04:31,227
Which is also what Single
White Female used to tell me,
119
00:04:31,271 --> 00:04:33,838
so maybe I'm just
a really great kisser.
120
00:04:33,882 --> 00:04:34,926
[phone chimes]
121
00:04:34,970 --> 00:04:36,798
Oh. It's Oscar.
122
00:04:36,841 --> 00:04:39,627
He sent me another picture
of himself without a shirt on.
123
00:04:39,670 --> 00:04:42,064
He wants me to send him
a sexy picture of me.
124
00:04:42,107 --> 00:04:43,979
Should I send him
my professor headshot?
125
00:04:44,022 --> 00:04:47,852
Uh, no, girl. I don't think
that's what he means by sexy.
126
00:04:47,896 --> 00:04:50,768
Well, I'm wearing glasses.
It has a certain something.
127
00:04:50,812 --> 00:04:53,380
Just send him a quick nip pic.
I'll look away.
128
00:04:53,423 --> 00:04:55,947
Wh-- I can't do that.
I can't even say that.
129
00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:58,646
Come on,
that is Old Kat talking.
130
00:04:58,689 --> 00:05:00,474
New Kat robbed a pet store.
131
00:05:00,517 --> 00:05:04,042
New Kat isn't afraid
to send a nip pic.
132
00:05:04,086 --> 00:05:07,176
You know what? You're right.
133
00:05:07,219 --> 00:05:10,135
New Kat is gonna step
outside her comfort zone.
134
00:05:10,179 --> 00:05:13,225
-Okay.
-New Kat is gonna blow his mind.
135
00:05:13,269 --> 00:05:15,271
-Right?
-New Kat is gonna do that
136
00:05:15,315 --> 00:05:16,881
by showing one boob
through the bra
137
00:05:16,925 --> 00:05:18,361
-'cause it's just
her first time.
-[laughs]
138
00:05:18,405 --> 00:05:19,841
Now you're talking.
139
00:05:19,884 --> 00:05:21,408
Just make sure you use
the bigger one.
140
00:05:21,451 --> 00:05:23,061
Wait-- How do you know
I have a bigger one?
141
00:05:23,105 --> 00:05:24,976
We all have a bigger one.
142
00:05:25,020 --> 00:05:26,369
It's your right one.
143
00:05:30,939 --> 00:05:33,637
Oh... Oh.
144
00:05:33,681 --> 00:05:35,073
Oh.
145
00:05:36,553 --> 00:05:40,122
Well, that is a lot more
alarming than a canoe.
146
00:05:45,040 --> 00:05:46,389
I mean, Randi started
spinning out
147
00:05:46,433 --> 00:05:47,999
from a picture of Daniel
in a kayak.
148
00:05:48,043 --> 00:05:49,653
I don't think she'll take
very kindly to one of him
149
00:05:49,697 --> 00:05:51,525
-kissing a mystery bride.
-Hmm.
150
00:05:51,568 --> 00:05:54,092
You were right to come to me.
151
00:05:54,136 --> 00:05:55,790
Who else have you told?
152
00:05:55,833 --> 00:05:59,359
Just you and Buttons here,
my emotional support cat.
153
00:05:59,402 --> 00:06:02,187
I use her a lot when I get off
the phone with you.
154
00:06:02,231 --> 00:06:04,189
I told you to get
your own membership
155
00:06:04,233 --> 00:06:05,408
to FindHisBackground.com.
156
00:06:05,452 --> 00:06:06,801
It's very handy.
157
00:06:06,844 --> 00:06:08,411
You know, my neighbor,
to the east?
158
00:06:08,455 --> 00:06:10,805
Been arrested twice
for petty theft.
159
00:06:10,848 --> 00:06:13,111
That's why I won't put out
lawn ornaments.
160
00:06:14,199 --> 00:06:15,462
Well, you missed
your calling, Mother.
161
00:06:15,505 --> 00:06:17,594
You should have been in the CIA.
162
00:06:17,638 --> 00:06:19,509
How do you know I'm not?
163
00:06:20,684 --> 00:06:22,164
Because you've never
worn an outfit
164
00:06:22,207 --> 00:06:24,775
that blended into anything
or anywhere.
165
00:06:26,255 --> 00:06:28,953
Maybe Randi knows Daniel
was married before.
166
00:06:28,997 --> 00:06:31,260
You said he's a bit older
than her.
167
00:06:31,303 --> 00:06:32,653
No, I don't think so.
168
00:06:32,696 --> 00:06:33,828
He told her she was
the first person
169
00:06:33,871 --> 00:06:35,307
he could see a future with.
170
00:06:35,351 --> 00:06:37,962
Okay, so he's a liar.
171
00:06:38,006 --> 00:06:41,313
Or there's another explanation
we haven't even thought of.
172
00:06:41,357 --> 00:06:42,489
Yeah-- Maybe I should
just let this go.
173
00:06:42,532 --> 00:06:44,186
Not so fast.
174
00:06:44,229 --> 00:06:46,231
Katharine,
he could be a polygamist.
175
00:06:46,275 --> 00:06:49,191
I mean, if Randi's gonna be
a sister wife, she should know,
176
00:06:49,234 --> 00:06:51,672
and more importantly,
what number she'll be.
177
00:06:51,715 --> 00:06:53,935
You do not want
to be number five.
178
00:06:53,978 --> 00:06:57,417
All right.
Now, what's Daniel's last name?
179
00:06:57,460 --> 00:06:59,897
[sighs]
Waxmore.
180
00:06:59,941 --> 00:07:02,552
There's no turning back
now, Buttons.
181
00:07:02,596 --> 00:07:03,814
Hold me.
182
00:07:06,556 --> 00:07:09,429
What's up, big-ass hobbit?
Have you seen Max?
183
00:07:09,472 --> 00:07:11,213
[hobbit voice]:
Oh, Max left the Shire.
184
00:07:11,256 --> 00:07:12,823
He's on a great quest.
185
00:07:12,867 --> 00:07:14,564
Might I be of help?
186
00:07:14,608 --> 00:07:16,348
Don't do that. That's creepy.
187
00:07:16,392 --> 00:07:17,915
Do what?
188
00:07:17,959 --> 00:07:19,395
[regular voice]:
I got these when I was reading
189
00:07:19,439 --> 00:07:20,483
Lord of the Rings
with my students.
190
00:07:20,527 --> 00:07:21,963
Found my old teaching bag.
191
00:07:22,006 --> 00:07:24,356
Got some
reward stickers in here.
192
00:07:24,400 --> 00:07:25,793
Got-- ooh, my big red
praise button.
193
00:07:26,794 --> 00:07:28,186
WOMAN [over device]:
Nice job.
194
00:07:28,230 --> 00:07:29,797
You're awesome.
195
00:07:29,840 --> 00:07:31,886
I wouldn't mind if that button
was my next wife.
196
00:07:31,929 --> 00:07:33,453
-[laughs]: Yeah.
-Hey.
197
00:07:33,496 --> 00:07:34,497
Thanks again for doing this,
by the way.
198
00:07:34,541 --> 00:07:35,629
Oh, no problem.
199
00:07:35,672 --> 00:07:37,239
I'm getting excited to tutor CJ.
200
00:07:37,282 --> 00:07:39,241
Well, that makes one of you.
201
00:07:39,284 --> 00:07:41,504
He said he doesn't need school
to become a professional gamer.
202
00:07:41,548 --> 00:07:42,897
He's actually right.
Some of them make
203
00:07:42,940 --> 00:07:44,115
millions of dollars a year.
204
00:07:44,159 --> 00:07:45,639
Whose side are you on, man?
205
00:07:45,682 --> 00:07:48,032
[hobbit voice]:
Hobbits don't take sides.
206
00:07:48,076 --> 00:07:50,644
But we do take second breakfast.
207
00:07:53,255 --> 00:07:55,823
Hey, honey, let's get kinky
in the bedroom.
208
00:07:55,866 --> 00:07:57,172
WOMAN [over device]:
Great idea.
209
00:07:57,215 --> 00:07:58,652
I'm-a put a ring on her finger.
210
00:08:01,916 --> 00:08:04,614
Phil, is Randi in?
And if she is,
211
00:08:04,658 --> 00:08:07,487
did she seem like she might be
open to earth-shattering news?
212
00:08:07,530 --> 00:08:10,011
She's not here yet.
What's wrong?
213
00:08:10,054 --> 00:08:11,926
I can't say.
It's very, very personal.
214
00:08:11,969 --> 00:08:14,276
I discovered that her boyfriend
was officially married
215
00:08:14,319 --> 00:08:16,800
when he was 22 and there's
no record of divorce.
216
00:08:16,844 --> 00:08:19,324
Oh, no. Oh, no.
217
00:08:19,368 --> 00:08:20,935
He's gonna kill her.
218
00:08:20,978 --> 00:08:22,719
What? No.
219
00:08:22,763 --> 00:08:24,416
I didn't discover
that he's a murderer.
220
00:08:24,460 --> 00:08:25,940
Yet.
221
00:08:25,983 --> 00:08:29,465
But once you start lying
and having affairs,
222
00:08:29,509 --> 00:08:31,032
it's a slippery slope
223
00:08:31,075 --> 00:08:34,470
to stuffing somebody
in a barrel full of acid.
224
00:08:34,514 --> 00:08:36,254
RANDI:
Hello, hello, hello.
225
00:08:36,298 --> 00:08:39,127
Oh, hi. Wow, you look so...
226
00:08:39,170 --> 00:08:40,955
-happy and vibrant.
-Well, that's because
227
00:08:40,998 --> 00:08:43,261
this morning, Daniel brought
me breakfast in bed
228
00:08:43,305 --> 00:08:46,308
and he gave me a massage
and ran me a hot bath.
229
00:08:46,351 --> 00:08:48,919
So basically, I have been
grubbed, rubbed and scrubbed.
230
00:08:48,963 --> 00:08:50,486
[Kat chuckles]
231
00:08:50,530 --> 00:08:52,619
You know, I'm a tub person, too.
232
00:08:52,662 --> 00:08:56,666
People like their showers,
but I like my tubs.
233
00:08:56,710 --> 00:08:59,887
Anyway, I really need
to use our facilities,
234
00:08:59,930 --> 00:09:01,889
because I haven't figured
out the bathroom acoustics
235
00:09:01,932 --> 00:09:04,587
at my new place yet
and I got a little potty shy.
236
00:09:04,631 --> 00:09:06,197
[chuckles]
237
00:09:06,241 --> 00:09:09,549
Um, here's that popcorn salt
you asked for.
238
00:09:09,592 --> 00:09:11,115
Oh, thank you. I don't know
when they're gonna allow me
239
00:09:11,159 --> 00:09:13,553
back in that store.
240
00:09:13,596 --> 00:09:17,078
I swear I thought
that woman was choking.
241
00:09:18,427 --> 00:09:19,994
So, what are you gonna do
about Randi?
242
00:09:20,037 --> 00:09:21,735
Well, I am not gonna tell her.
243
00:09:21,778 --> 00:09:23,824
What do you mean,
you're not gonna tell her?
244
00:09:23,867 --> 00:09:25,826
You didn't let me finish.
245
00:09:25,869 --> 00:09:27,828
Yes, I did. Your inflection
definitely implied
246
00:09:27,871 --> 00:09:29,307
that you were done.
247
00:09:29,351 --> 00:09:31,179
Well, I intended it
as an ellipsis.
248
00:09:31,222 --> 00:09:35,096
I'm not gonna tell her--
dot, dot, dot--
249
00:09:35,139 --> 00:09:36,837
just yet.
250
00:09:36,880 --> 00:09:41,232
But you have to tell her
because I cannot keep secrets.
251
00:09:41,276 --> 00:09:44,584
When my brother Larry Bo told me
that he stole that heifer,
252
00:09:44,627 --> 00:09:46,237
he swore me to silence.
253
00:09:46,281 --> 00:09:48,022
But the police knocked
on the door.
254
00:09:48,065 --> 00:09:50,633
I said, "Larry Bo did it.
It was him.
255
00:09:50,677 --> 00:09:53,027
-It was Larry Bo."
-Did they arrest him?
256
00:09:53,070 --> 00:09:55,246
Yes, ma'am, they did.
But you know what?
257
00:09:55,290 --> 00:09:58,685
He found God in prison,
and now my mama likes to say,
258
00:09:58,728 --> 00:10:01,513
"I wish the rest of y'all
were more like Larry Bo."
259
00:10:01,557 --> 00:10:03,907
Ooh. Pisses me off.
260
00:10:03,951 --> 00:10:07,607
Well, I will tell Randi
when the moment is right.
261
00:10:07,650 --> 00:10:08,999
And I'm not exactly sure
when that moment will be.
262
00:10:09,043 --> 00:10:10,827
Might be today,
might be tomorrow,
263
00:10:10,871 --> 00:10:12,829
might be on a long car ride
after she's fallen asleep.
264
00:10:12,873 --> 00:10:14,004
RANDI:
Ah, much better.
265
00:10:14,048 --> 00:10:15,963
How you doing today, Phil?
266
00:10:16,006 --> 00:10:18,182
-Daniel's been married!
-Phil!
267
00:10:18,226 --> 00:10:21,185
I'm sorry,
it came out like a sneeze.
268
00:10:22,143 --> 00:10:23,884
Wait, what is he talking about?
269
00:10:23,927 --> 00:10:25,407
Uh, when I was helping you move
at Daniel's,
270
00:10:25,450 --> 00:10:28,149
I-I accidentally knocked
a book down and...
271
00:10:29,193 --> 00:10:30,630
...found this.
272
00:10:32,066 --> 00:10:33,763
What the hell?
273
00:10:33,807 --> 00:10:35,286
He never said he was married.
274
00:10:35,330 --> 00:10:37,724
I know, so I did
some research with my mom
275
00:10:37,767 --> 00:10:40,248
and he does have a marriage
certificate on record.
276
00:10:40,291 --> 00:10:42,554
He also has great credit,
so, you know,
277
00:10:42,598 --> 00:10:44,513
good points, bad points.
278
00:10:44,556 --> 00:10:48,778
Wait, so you told your mother
and Phil about this before me?
279
00:10:48,822 --> 00:10:50,867
And I heard snippets of it.
280
00:10:53,174 --> 00:10:55,567
I-I just didn't want to add
more stress to your life.
281
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:57,265
Well, do you know
what would be less stressful?
282
00:10:57,308 --> 00:10:59,920
You not snooping
through my boyfriend's stuff.
283
00:10:59,963 --> 00:11:01,704
Hey, I wasn't snooping.
I really wish
284
00:11:01,748 --> 00:11:03,575
I hadn't stumbled
on that picture.
285
00:11:03,619 --> 00:11:05,403
It's been really stressful
for me, too.
286
00:11:05,447 --> 00:11:07,362
Oh, so I'm supposed
to feel sorry for you now?
287
00:11:07,405 --> 00:11:08,842
Hey, why are you mad at me?
288
00:11:08,885 --> 00:11:10,713
I mean, shouldn't you be
upset with Daniel?
289
00:11:10,757 --> 00:11:12,759
Oh, I can be upset with more
than one person at a time.
290
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,674
It's a special skill I have.
291
00:11:16,763 --> 00:11:19,374
I told you that the universe
would seek its revenge
292
00:11:19,417 --> 00:11:21,115
after you stole that cat food.
293
00:11:21,158 --> 00:11:24,727
That was one heck
of a karmic bitch slap.
294
00:11:26,337 --> 00:11:28,122
This is not an admission
of guilt, Pete.
295
00:11:28,165 --> 00:11:30,124
I am returning this to remind
the universe
296
00:11:30,167 --> 00:11:32,082
what a good person I am,
so that the universe
297
00:11:32,126 --> 00:11:34,302
will remind my friend.
298
00:11:39,307 --> 00:11:41,309
That'll be $23.99.
299
00:11:49,186 --> 00:11:52,799
Hey, CJ. How's it going?
300
00:11:52,842 --> 00:11:54,931
Have you gotten taller
since I saw you last?
301
00:11:56,454 --> 00:11:59,849
Me, I'm great.
Got bit by a spider.
302
00:11:59,893 --> 00:12:01,938
Now I have superpowers.
303
00:12:03,157 --> 00:12:05,115
Probably use them for good.
304
00:12:05,159 --> 00:12:06,769
Maybe not.
305
00:12:06,813 --> 00:12:08,031
[phone chimes]
306
00:12:09,206 --> 00:12:10,686
Hello?
307
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,819
Dude, pay attention
to the real world.
308
00:12:12,862 --> 00:12:14,342
CARTER:
CJ,
309
00:12:14,385 --> 00:12:15,822
how did you get your phone back?
310
00:12:15,865 --> 00:12:19,042
I took his phone
and hid it in my sock.
311
00:12:19,086 --> 00:12:21,131
And he replaced it
with a deck of cards.
312
00:12:21,175 --> 00:12:23,003
Ta-da.
313
00:12:23,046 --> 00:12:25,875
[chuckles]
I got it.
314
00:12:25,919 --> 00:12:28,269
-What are you playing?
-Island Hoppers.
315
00:12:28,312 --> 00:12:30,445
Oh. I love that game.
316
00:12:30,488 --> 00:12:33,578
I just paved one of my streets
with gold.
317
00:12:33,622 --> 00:12:36,581
No way. How did you do that?
318
00:12:36,625 --> 00:12:38,801
Have a lot of free time
for a man my age.
319
00:12:38,845 --> 00:12:40,716
All right, tell you what.
320
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:42,631
Why don't you put your phone
down, you give me 30 minutes,
321
00:12:42,674 --> 00:12:44,894
and then I'll invite you over
to my island to go fishing.
322
00:12:44,938 --> 00:12:47,810
-Cool?
-Okay.
323
00:12:47,854 --> 00:12:49,203
All right, so let me see
your homework.
324
00:12:49,246 --> 00:12:50,421
[sniffs]
325
00:12:52,423 --> 00:12:54,164
Awesome filing system.
326
00:12:56,123 --> 00:12:58,995
Ooh-- smells like chocolate.
327
00:12:59,039 --> 00:13:01,128
Ah, and there's the chocolate.
328
00:13:01,171 --> 00:13:03,217
[both chuckle]
329
00:13:04,914 --> 00:13:07,438
So, as I was leaving the pet
store, I got a text from Randi,
330
00:13:07,482 --> 00:13:09,571
and I thought it was the
karma gods answering my prayers.
331
00:13:09,614 --> 00:13:11,878
But she just said, "I need you
to give me some space."
332
00:13:11,921 --> 00:13:13,401
Like, what do you think
that means?
333
00:13:13,444 --> 00:13:15,577
I think it means
she might want some space.
334
00:13:15,620 --> 00:13:17,884
But then she said, "I'm not
coming in to work tomorrow."
335
00:13:17,927 --> 00:13:19,146
Like, what do you think
that means?
336
00:13:19,189 --> 00:13:21,061
Ooh, that one's harder.
337
00:13:21,104 --> 00:13:23,933
I'm not good
at giving people their space.
338
00:13:23,977 --> 00:13:26,109
You know, my instinct is to just
casually show up at her door
339
00:13:26,153 --> 00:13:28,633
and, when she answers it,
handcuff myself to her.
340
00:13:28,677 --> 00:13:31,332
-You have handcuffs?
-[chuckles]: Yeah,
I have handcuffs.
341
00:13:31,375 --> 00:13:33,638
They came with my magic kit.
342
00:13:33,682 --> 00:13:35,989
Interesting. What else
don't I know about you?
343
00:13:36,032 --> 00:13:37,512
I think the real question is,
344
00:13:37,555 --> 00:13:39,079
what don't I know about you?
345
00:13:39,122 --> 00:13:40,776
I mean, have you ever had
a secret marriage?
346
00:13:40,820 --> 00:13:42,299
No. But,
347
00:13:42,343 --> 00:13:44,693
cards on the table,
I was arrested once.
348
00:13:44,736 --> 00:13:46,260
Tell me more.
349
00:13:46,303 --> 00:13:49,132
Am I dating a bad boy?
A menace to society?
350
00:13:49,176 --> 00:13:50,786
I did about 35 minutes
in mall jail once
351
00:13:50,830 --> 00:13:53,049
for swiping pennies
from the fountain.
352
00:13:53,093 --> 00:13:54,877
Those are people's wishes.
353
00:13:54,921 --> 00:13:57,271
-I'm not proud.
-[laughs]
354
00:13:57,314 --> 00:13:59,273
What about you? Any secrets?
355
00:13:59,316 --> 00:14:01,188
Well,
356
00:14:01,231 --> 00:14:03,320
I took a somewhat risqué picture
for you,
357
00:14:03,364 --> 00:14:04,495
and I-I never sent it.
358
00:14:04,539 --> 00:14:06,236
What? Why don't you send it?
359
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:08,630
I just got distracted
by the Randi stuff.
360
00:14:08,673 --> 00:14:10,458
And, like,
maybe I'm a little shy.
361
00:14:10,501 --> 00:14:12,373
-Send it to me. Please?
-Oh.
362
00:14:12,416 --> 00:14:14,375
[sputters]
Okay.
363
00:14:14,418 --> 00:14:15,463
[phone chimes]
364
00:14:15,506 --> 00:14:16,943
[chuckles]:
Oh!
365
00:14:16,986 --> 00:14:18,814
Max sent me a picture
of Carter's kid.
366
00:14:18,858 --> 00:14:20,468
Oh, he looks just like Carter.
367
00:14:20,511 --> 00:14:21,904
Will you stop stalling?
I have to drive around
368
00:14:21,948 --> 00:14:23,601
and deliver packages
for 12 hours.
369
00:14:23,645 --> 00:14:24,864
I need that picture
to get me through my shift.
370
00:14:24,907 --> 00:14:26,909
Okay, okay. I'll just...
371
00:14:26,953 --> 00:14:28,998
I'm gonna do it from over here.
I'm still feeling a little shy,
372
00:14:29,042 --> 00:14:30,304
so I'll just...
I'll be over here.
373
00:14:30,347 --> 00:14:31,696
Just down here.
374
00:14:33,698 --> 00:14:36,919
Okay, it sent.
[squeals]
375
00:14:36,963 --> 00:14:39,269
So?
376
00:14:39,313 --> 00:14:40,967
Speechless?
377
00:14:41,010 --> 00:14:43,012
That could be a good thing
or a bad thing.
378
00:14:43,056 --> 00:14:44,448
Which is it, good or bad?
379
00:14:44,492 --> 00:14:46,320
Neither.
I just haven't gotten it yet.
380
00:14:46,363 --> 00:14:48,235
Oh. That's weird.
381
00:14:48,278 --> 00:14:50,498
Maybe it's taking a minute
to load
382
00:14:50,541 --> 00:14:52,935
'cause the Internet
can't believe what it's seeing.
383
00:14:52,979 --> 00:14:54,458
-[chuckles] Okay.
-Ooh!
384
00:14:54,502 --> 00:14:55,807
I'll just resend it.
385
00:14:55,851 --> 00:14:56,896
Did you get it?
386
00:14:56,939 --> 00:14:58,941
No.
387
00:14:58,985 --> 00:15:00,682
How about now?
388
00:15:00,725 --> 00:15:02,553
Nope.
389
00:15:02,597 --> 00:15:06,296
"...continued growth
of the electric car industry."
390
00:15:06,340 --> 00:15:08,603
Very good. And fun fact,
391
00:15:08,646 --> 00:15:10,170
before Tesla was a car,
392
00:15:10,213 --> 00:15:12,346
he was a dude
who invented a lot of cool stuff
393
00:15:12,389 --> 00:15:14,826
and had
a very sharp-looking mustache.
394
00:15:14,870 --> 00:15:16,741
-Really?
-Yep. Here, take a look.
395
00:15:16,785 --> 00:15:18,439
[phone chimes]
396
00:15:18,482 --> 00:15:19,919
That's not a guy.
397
00:15:19,962 --> 00:15:22,312
That's a lady with no shirt on.
398
00:15:22,356 --> 00:15:23,792
-Wait, wait, wait. Hold on.
-[chuckles]
399
00:15:23,835 --> 00:15:26,229
Do not look at your phone!
400
00:15:26,273 --> 00:15:27,448
I saw it.
401
00:15:27,491 --> 00:15:28,971
Actually, wesaw it.
402
00:15:29,015 --> 00:15:30,581
Hi there.
403
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:34,063
Hello.
404
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:37,806
-Honey,
that's hardly pornographic.
-Okay, thank you.
405
00:15:37,849 --> 00:15:39,416
I feel so much better.
406
00:15:39,460 --> 00:15:41,418
That bra you got on
gives you more coverage
407
00:15:41,462 --> 00:15:44,595
than my mama's
old bathing costume.
408
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:46,206
-Okay, well,
that was my sexy bra.
-I remember
409
00:15:46,249 --> 00:15:48,121
it had snaps in the crotch
410
00:15:48,164 --> 00:15:50,514
so she could go to the outhouse.
411
00:15:51,820 --> 00:15:53,778
-Hey.
-Hi. So,
412
00:15:53,822 --> 00:15:55,824
obviously, that picture
was meant for Oscar.
413
00:15:55,867 --> 00:15:57,913
-Yeah, I figured. Lucky guy.
-[chuckles]
414
00:15:57,957 --> 00:15:59,741
Thanks. Did you think
415
00:15:59,784 --> 00:16:01,264
it looked like I was wearing
a vintage bathing costume?
416
00:16:01,308 --> 00:16:02,744
Because I have one of those,
417
00:16:02,787 --> 00:16:04,572
and it's completely different,
Phil.
418
00:16:06,313 --> 00:16:08,532
No, you looked great. But that
picture wasn't meant for me,
419
00:16:08,576 --> 00:16:11,013
-so that's all
I'm gonna say about that.
-[chuckles]
420
00:16:11,057 --> 00:16:12,058
And hopefully
Oscar finally got one,
421
00:16:12,101 --> 00:16:13,668
because I got ten of them.
422
00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:15,757
Yeah, I kept trying
to resend it to Oscar.
423
00:16:15,800 --> 00:16:18,455
-Yeah, I figured that out
around picture eight.
-[chuckles]
424
00:16:18,499 --> 00:16:20,588
Does Carter hate me now
'cause I traumatized his son?
425
00:16:20,631 --> 00:16:24,679
No, he said you got CJ finally
interested in learning again.
426
00:16:24,722 --> 00:16:26,376
Actually,
427
00:16:26,420 --> 00:16:28,988
I came over to thank you
for volunteering me to help him.
428
00:16:29,031 --> 00:16:32,643
It just reminded me
of how much I love teaching.
429
00:16:32,687 --> 00:16:34,863
[hobbit voice]:
Did you use your hobbit voice?
430
00:16:34,906 --> 00:16:38,258
[hobbit voice]:
Not with CJ. He wasn't ready.
431
00:16:38,301 --> 00:16:40,086
[normal voice]:
Well, you're welcome.
432
00:16:40,129 --> 00:16:41,304
[normal voice]:
Oh, by the way, I heard
433
00:16:41,348 --> 00:16:42,305
about what happened with Randi.
434
00:16:42,349 --> 00:16:43,785
You did? How?
435
00:16:43,828 --> 00:16:45,221
Well, after she stormed
out of here,
436
00:16:45,265 --> 00:16:46,744
she came over to the bar,
took three shots,
437
00:16:46,788 --> 00:16:49,051
-and called you a few names.
-Oh.
438
00:16:49,095 --> 00:16:50,574
Yeah, she's pretty mad.
439
00:16:50,618 --> 00:16:52,489
I'm just trying
to give her her space.
440
00:16:52,533 --> 00:16:54,404
Well, that's not you.
You're more
441
00:16:54,448 --> 00:16:56,145
of a "chase them down,
push them into a snowbank,
442
00:16:56,189 --> 00:16:58,408
and sit on them until
they talk about it" person.
443
00:16:58,452 --> 00:17:00,845
I only did that because
you weren't answering my calls
444
00:17:00,889 --> 00:17:02,760
about going to see
Celtic Thunder.
445
00:17:02,804 --> 00:17:04,675
My silence was the answer.
446
00:17:07,243 --> 00:17:09,550
Randi?
447
00:17:09,593 --> 00:17:11,291
Randi, open the door.
448
00:17:11,334 --> 00:17:12,727
I've given you enough space.
449
00:17:12,770 --> 00:17:14,468
I cannot believe
450
00:17:14,511 --> 00:17:17,558
you brought me here.
You know I'm conflict-averse.
451
00:17:17,601 --> 00:17:19,081
My barber has been
452
00:17:19,125 --> 00:17:21,127
calling me Jethro for 20 years.
453
00:17:21,170 --> 00:17:23,303
I just answer to it.
454
00:17:23,346 --> 00:17:25,827
Well, she'll yell at me less
if you're here
455
00:17:25,870 --> 00:17:27,394
because you have
resting sad face.
456
00:17:27,437 --> 00:17:28,830
Plus,
457
00:17:28,873 --> 00:17:30,440
you owe me
for spilling the beans.
458
00:17:30,484 --> 00:17:31,659
You put the beans in my mouth.
459
00:17:31,702 --> 00:17:33,269
You know I can't hold my beans.
460
00:17:33,313 --> 00:17:36,881
I'm not leaving here
without talking to you.
461
00:17:36,925 --> 00:17:39,101
Oh, I see your window
462
00:17:39,145 --> 00:17:40,711
is open a little bit.
463
00:17:40,755 --> 00:17:42,713
I think I'm just gonna
stick my head in here.
464
00:17:42,757 --> 00:17:44,454
Maybe we can talk that way.
465
00:17:44,498 --> 00:17:46,282
Come on, Phil. We're going in.
466
00:17:46,326 --> 00:17:47,805
Oh, Lord.
467
00:17:47,849 --> 00:17:49,285
I'm gonna be sharing
a prison cell
468
00:17:49,329 --> 00:17:51,200
with Larry Bo soon enough.
469
00:17:51,244 --> 00:17:52,680
[scoffs]
470
00:17:53,637 --> 00:17:55,683
-[screams]
-Oh! Oh, Phil!
471
00:17:55,726 --> 00:17:57,119
Help. Phil. Oh.
472
00:17:57,163 --> 00:17:59,643
[both grunting]
473
00:17:59,687 --> 00:18:01,123
Oh, Lord.
474
00:18:01,167 --> 00:18:03,343
I haven't been
between a woman's legs
475
00:18:03,386 --> 00:18:05,693
since the day I was born.
476
00:18:05,736 --> 00:18:09,479
It's like working a wheelbarrow.
477
00:18:10,480 --> 00:18:12,003
-[phone rings]
-Oh!
478
00:18:12,047 --> 00:18:13,744
That's my phone.
Can you grab it?
479
00:18:16,573 --> 00:18:18,793
-It's Randi.
-Oh, answer it.
480
00:18:18,836 --> 00:18:20,316
Hello?
481
00:18:20,360 --> 00:18:22,188
Oh, hi, Randi. It's Phil.
482
00:18:22,231 --> 00:18:24,625
I'm with Kat. Where are you?
483
00:18:24,668 --> 00:18:27,541
She's at your place.
It sounds like she's crying.
484
00:18:27,584 --> 00:18:29,847
Oh, no. Uh, tell her
I'll be right there.
485
00:18:29,891 --> 00:18:32,981
Randi, honey?
She'll be right there.
486
00:18:33,024 --> 00:18:35,070
Oh, and this may cheer you up.
487
00:18:35,114 --> 00:18:37,420
I just had my first
heterosexual experience.
488
00:18:37,464 --> 00:18:38,682
[Kat scoffs]
489
00:18:42,817 --> 00:18:44,210
So, does that mean
you're breaking up?
490
00:18:44,253 --> 00:18:46,081
I think so.
491
00:18:46,125 --> 00:18:48,214
And it's not even
because he was married.
492
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,085
He said
she was his college girlfriend
493
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,174
and they got hitched
at one of those 24-hour places
494
00:18:52,218 --> 00:18:53,784
at the last minute.
495
00:18:53,828 --> 00:18:55,960
Hmm. She was wearing
an awfully fancy dress
496
00:18:56,004 --> 00:18:57,136
for a last-minute wedding.
497
00:18:57,179 --> 00:18:58,224
It came with the package,
498
00:18:58,267 --> 00:19:00,008
and it was Velcro'd up the back.
499
00:19:00,051 --> 00:19:01,401
Velcro is amazing.
500
00:19:01,444 --> 00:19:03,446
Why do we use anything else?
501
00:19:03,490 --> 00:19:06,623
Anyway, they got it annulled
after a month.
502
00:19:06,667 --> 00:19:10,149
Records of annulment are not
kept on file by the state
503
00:19:10,192 --> 00:19:14,065
or on FindHisBackground.com,
apparently.
504
00:19:14,109 --> 00:19:15,937
And all of that
I could have been okay with.
505
00:19:15,980 --> 00:19:17,547
But what I wasn't okay with
506
00:19:17,591 --> 00:19:19,506
was him telling me
that I was overreacting
507
00:19:19,549 --> 00:19:21,029
and that I needed
508
00:19:21,072 --> 00:19:23,118
to calm down
and-and not worry so much.
509
00:19:23,162 --> 00:19:25,599
And then suddenly,
I start seeing an entire future
510
00:19:25,642 --> 00:19:27,122
of him telling me how to feel,
511
00:19:27,166 --> 00:19:29,080
and no one
tells Randi how to feel.
512
00:19:29,124 --> 00:19:31,213
Have I ever told you
how to feel?
513
00:19:31,257 --> 00:19:33,737
-A couple times.
-I won't do it again.
514
00:19:33,781 --> 00:19:36,436
But there is one thing
that I do need you to do.
515
00:19:36,479 --> 00:19:38,177
If you ever have a problem
with me
516
00:19:38,220 --> 00:19:39,961
or find out something about me,
517
00:19:40,004 --> 00:19:41,702
you come to me first.
518
00:19:41,745 --> 00:19:43,530
That's girl code.
519
00:19:43,573 --> 00:19:45,575
You're right. I'm sorry.
520
00:19:45,619 --> 00:19:48,404
And I'm not gonna lie,
I love that we have a code.
521
00:19:48,448 --> 00:19:49,927
[both chuckle]
522
00:19:49,971 --> 00:19:51,886
You can stay here
as long as you need to.
523
00:19:51,929 --> 00:19:54,149
We can hang out after work,
booze it up.
524
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,804
We can share each other's jeans
like that movie. [chuckles]
525
00:19:56,847 --> 00:19:58,284
[chuckles]:
You are so weird.
526
00:19:58,327 --> 00:20:00,460
But I owe you.
527
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:02,636
I love you, too.
528
00:20:02,679 --> 00:20:04,681
I-I said I owe you.
529
00:20:04,725 --> 00:20:06,770
[laughs]: Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't hear you.
530
00:20:06,814 --> 00:20:08,250
I owe you, too.
531
00:20:08,294 --> 00:20:09,991
Oh, geez, you're gonna go
532
00:20:10,034 --> 00:20:11,688
all Single White Femaleon me,
aren't you?
533
00:20:11,732 --> 00:20:13,516
[laughs]
534
00:20:13,560 --> 00:20:15,301
[mutters]
535
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:18,826
Here's the deal, Pete.
My girl Kat
536
00:20:18,869 --> 00:20:21,045
went through all the trouble
of collecting 20 receipts
537
00:20:21,089 --> 00:20:22,917
in a fanny pack
that she made herself.
538
00:20:22,960 --> 00:20:24,745
Pretty proud of that pack, Pete.
539
00:20:24,788 --> 00:20:27,226
And then you up and cancel
the loyalty program
540
00:20:27,269 --> 00:20:29,402
out of nowhere, which was
really upsetting for her.
541
00:20:29,445 --> 00:20:30,838
I lost sleep, Pete.
542
00:20:30,881 --> 00:20:32,796
RANDI:
And when my friend is upset,
543
00:20:32,840 --> 00:20:35,321
Iget upset. So let me tell you
what's gonna happen, Pete.
544
00:20:35,364 --> 00:20:38,672
Kat is gonna take that bag
of cat food that you owe her,
545
00:20:38,715 --> 00:20:40,369
and in return,
I am gonna give you
546
00:20:40,413 --> 00:20:41,979
a punch card to our café.
547
00:20:42,023 --> 00:20:44,330
After ten punches,
you get a free coffee.
548
00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:47,115
And do you know why, Pete?
549
00:20:47,158 --> 00:20:48,769
Because we keep
our promises, Pete.
550
00:20:48,812 --> 00:20:50,379
Mm-hmm.
551
00:20:50,423 --> 00:20:52,033
KAT:
So, here we go,
552
00:20:52,076 --> 00:20:53,687
taking what is owed to us.
553
00:20:53,730 --> 00:20:55,210
And if I was you,
554
00:20:55,254 --> 00:20:56,690
I would stay
behind that counter, Pete.
555
00:20:56,733 --> 00:20:57,908
I learned how
to whup a little ass
556
00:20:57,952 --> 00:20:59,345
in my cardio boot camp.
557
00:20:59,388 --> 00:21:00,781
Oh!
558
00:21:04,785 --> 00:21:06,656
We meant that, Pete.
559
00:21:06,700 --> 00:21:09,224
["Bad to the Bone" playing]
39473
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