All language subtitles for The.Big.Bang.Theory.EnSub.E02.BD720p_SharePirate

And the next wedding gift is...

- ...a gravy boat.
- Oh, one gravy boat.

That's from Sheldon.
He told me he had it engraved.

"In the event of a divorce
please return to Sheldon Cooper."

One inappropriate...

yet-I-wish-I-thought-of-that
gravy boat.

When I get married, I'm gonna register
at the UCLA cadaver lab.

Ew. Why?

Because I've always wanted
a whole human skeleton...

and they are really spendy.

You actually see you and Sheldon
getting married someday?

Not just someday,
in exactly four years.

But don't tell Sheldon,
he's still a flight risk.

What about you, Penny?

What about me, what?

Do you think you and Leonard
might ever get married?

Oh, well, you know, Leonard is great.

But do you think
you'll ever get married?

He's a sweetie.

You're not answering the question.

- Do you love him?
- Yes, sure, of course I love him.

- It doesn't sound like it.
- Well, I do.

- Do you tell him that?
- No, he'd just take it the wrong way.

- What does that mean?
- It means he is special...

and smart, and nice, and...

- Are you gonna break up with him?
- No. Maybe, I don't know.

I had no idea you were unhappy.

That's the thing, I'm not.
I'm not unhappy at all.

I don't know, I've been in love before
but it felt different.

But maybe this is a new,
better, boring kind of love.

Do you ever feel
that way about Howard?

That's not really a fair comparison.

I'm basically married
to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.

Amy, you?

Can't help you.
Whenever I'm around Sheldon...

I feels like my loins are on fire.

In the good way,
not the urinary tract infection way.

Hey, buddy, how's it going up there?

You don't have to shout, Raj.

It's not like I'm an astronaut
floating around in outer space.

Oh, wait, I am.

So is it everything
you hoped it would be?

It's better.
Heh, I wake up every morning...

and I just can't believe
I'm on this incredible adventure.

Hey, Froot Loops,
did you clean the space toilet?

Excuse me, I'm talking to my friends.

You know the rules,
new guy scrubs the toilet.

If you do good job,
next time we give you brush.

Funny.

We're always giving each other
a hard time up here.

It's kind of like being in a frat.

You know, joking, kidding around,
hurting feelings.

- Okay, my turn. Let me talk to him.
- Go ahead.

2311 North Los Robles Avenue...

Pasadena, California
to International Space Station.

Can you read me? Over.

Yes, I read you, Sheldon.

Copy that. Over.

- What are you doing?
- I'm talking to a man in space.

If you don't have the...

he might as well be at the Coffee Bean
over on Lake Street.

You're out of your mind, Sheldon.

That's a negative.
My mother had me tested. Over.

Come on, scrub-a-dub, Loops.

All right. All right. I gotta go.

There's a meteor shower.

Wanna see a meteor shower?

Take a look at what Dimitri
just left you in the toilet.

- Bye.
- Over and out.

Bye, buddy!

- Hello?
- Hey, Stuart, come on in.

What are you doing here?

Um, Raj invited me to go to the movies
with you guys.

Excuse me, I didn't authorize this.

- Sheldon, you are not in charge.
- That's mighty sassy for a man...

with a roommate performance review
around the corner.

What's the big deal?
You guys are bringing your girlfriends.

I didn't wanna sit by myself.

The big deal is, I was expecting us
to be an intimate group of five.

Now we're gonna be
a faceless mass of six.

It'll be fine.
Just, uh, pretend he's Wolowitz.

Hmm...

- Do you like Raisinets?
- I take them or leave them.

At the movies,
Wolowitz always eats Raisinets.

Would you feel more comfortable
if I ate Raisinets?

It's hardly my business what you eat.

As long as it doesn't crunch
during the film and it's Raisinets.

Okay.

- Should we go?
- Uh, one more question.

If you're gonna replace Wolowitz,
I need to know a little more about you.

- All right.
- Wolowitz went to MIT.

What's your educational background?

- I went to art school.
- Equally ridiculous. Let's go.

This insistence on hand-holding
is preposterous.

- Well, I like it.
- Yeah, of course you do, you're a girl.

You like all kinds
of hippie-dippy things.

Just watch the movie.

It's not fair.

Penny isn't making Leonard
hold hands.

There might be a reason for that.

Sweaty...

unhygienic...

looks dumb, take your pick.

Penny said she's not sure she wants
to be Leonard's girlfriend anymore.

Wrong. She just took a sip
from his Diet Dr. Pepper.

So?

So if she wants to end her pair-bond
with Leonard...

why on earth would she guzzle
a witch's brew of his soda and spit?

It's complicated.

String Theory is complicated.

That's just yucky.

Don't get any ideas.

All right, for the sake of argument,
let's say that's true.

Why doesn't Penny just end
the relationship?

She's not sure how she feels.

How can she not be sure
how she feels?

You know, when I have a feeling,
I know it.

Trains? Love them.

Swordfish? I love them too.

They're fish with a sword for a nose.

Regardless, don't say anything
to Leonard.

You... Now you're asking me
to keep a secret from my best friend...

colleague and roommate?

Yes, please. Penny will kill me.

Oh, fine.

FYI, secret-keeping. Hate it.

Hand-holding, not a fan.

Hammerhead shark, I love that thing.

Yeah, it's another fish
with a tool on its head.

- Raisinet?
- Shh! We're trying to watch the movie.

This is not working out with him.

- What are you doing?
- I think I might have tartar buildup.

My tongue won't go as far forward
as it used to.

Maybe your tongue is shrinking.

Nope.

Oh, you have no idea
how annoying this is.

I'm starting to get a sense of it.

Don't worry, I'll take you
to the dentist tomorrow.

Thank you.

I appreciate that.
You're good people, Leonard.

- There's something I need to tell you.
- Okay.

I can't tell you.

Why?

I can't tell you why I can't tell you.

So I guess there's two things
I can't tell you.

I wish there were more.

Good night.

- I'm sorry, this is really important.
- What is it?

I like the Transformers.

Do you like the Transformers?

Where exactly did your mother
have you tested?

Leonard.

The Transformers teach us that things
are not always what they appear to be.

You know, like a...

A semi-truck might be an alien robot...

or, uh, someone
in a romantic relationship...

might feel differently
than they appear to.

Or a conversation
about the Transformers...

might actually be about someone
in this room.

I'm gonna pause to let that sink in.

- Okay, I think I understand.
- You do?

The guy who seems like an emotionless
robot is you.

But your relationship with Amy
is causing you to transform...

into a red-blooded man
with sexual desires.

That is literally the stupidest thing
I have ever heard.

Leonard.

What?

Are you sleeping?

I was, now I'm having a nightmare.

What?

Never mind. I still can't tell you.

Penny.

- Penny.
- Mmm.

Penny.

Oh, my God, Sheldon.

You frightened me.

What are you doing in my bedroom?

I knocked on the front door
but you didn't hear.

- How did you even get in, you weirdo?
- Yeah, yeah, really?

I've seen strange men traipsing in
and out of here for years...

but when I do it, it's weird?

What do you want, Sheldon?

Well, I was having a little trouble
sleeping and I just thought...

you know, seeing as you're up,
we could talk.

Talk about what?

Oh, I don't know. Uh, weather?

Uh, fish you could do carpentry with?

Why Leonard is such an attractive
and desirable boyfriend?

Pick one, your choice.

Sheldon...

Did you know that Leonard
has a perfect driving record...

and enjoys the insurance discounts
that go along with that?

Hubba, hubba.

- Okay, go home, crazy man.
- You...

Did you know that while Leonard is not
considered a tall fellow in our country...

in today's North Korea,
he's downright average?

Talk about a keeper.

Okay, what did Amy tell you?

Oh, very well. I can't keep up
this clever charade any longer.

She told me that you were thinking
of ending it with Leonard.

Okay, listen to me. It's really sweet
you're trying to protect your friend...

but this is none of your business.
Got it?

Excuse me,
this is not about protecting my friend.

I'm a big fan of homeostasis.

- Do you know what that is?
- Of course not.

Homeostasis refers to a system's ability
to regulate its internal environment.

Yeah, and maintain a constant condition
of properties like temperature or pH.

Worst bedtime story ever.

My point is,
I don't like when things change.

So, regardless of your feelings, I would
like you to continue dating Leonard.

And also, while we're on the subject,
you recently changed your shampoo.

I'm not comfortable
with the new scent.

Will you please stop this madness
and go back to green apple?

Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out.

And until I do,
you are not to say a word to Leonard.

- Do you understand?
- I do.

- You clear on the shampoo issue?
- Get out.

- Penny?
- What?

Please don't hurt my friend.

- That is the last thing I want to do.
- Thank you.

Coconut. What were you thinking?
Are you a hula-girl?

Out!

- Hello?
- What the hell is wrong with you?

You told Sheldon? Do you know
what a terrible position this puts me in?

Hang on, please.

- Hello?
- Yeah, just a heads-up.

Penny knows that you blabbed
about Leonard. She's pretty mad.

I know. She's yelling at me right now.

All right then,
so we're all on the same page.

Hey, Bernie.

There's my hubby.

How's everything going up there?

Oh, it's okay.

Space is beautiful, Earth is beautiful.
Same old, same old.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

- Everything's fine, heh.
- Howard.

The other astronauts
are being mean to me.

No, what are they doing?

Well, like, for instance,
the other day, when I was asleep...

one of the guys
went on a space-walk...

and glued a big-eyed rubber alien mask
to the outside of my window.

When I woke up,
I screamed for like nine minutes.

Oh, Howie.

You can see it if you want.
It's on YouTube.

Google "Astronaut screams
for nine minutes. ".

Why don't you stand up to them?

What am I supposed to say?

I don't know.

Say, "Being mean is lame."

What's cool is being nice."

Great, I'll do that when I wanna
be the first guy in space to get a wedgie.

Do you want me to call somebody
at NASA?

No, my mom already tried that.
It only made things worse.

Gelatinous Sphere.

Focused Locust.

Temple of Yip.

I'm sorry,
Wolowitz would never play that card.

All right, Lesser Demon Turtle.

Fairy God Monster, I win.

Your desperate need for friendship
makes you weak.

So, what are you guys doing later?

Stuart and I were thinking
of going out for a drink.

- Try to meet some girls.
- Because that's what we do, heh.

So watch out, ladies, a little coffee
and cream coming your way.

In case you didn't follow that,
I'm the coffee.

Leonard, maybe you'd like to go
with them to meet girls.

Why would I be interested?
I have Penny.

Yeah, for now.

But that woman has a death wish,
Leonard.

Yeah, she talks to strangers,
she pets unfamiliar dogs...

and it is ridiculously easy
to break into her apartment.

If I were you, I'd get a backup.

You can't just replace someone you care
about with some other random person.

Uh, please don't ruin this for me.

Do you remember how upset I was...

when they replaced
Edward Norton as the Hulk?

Yes, you walked around for a week...

saying,
"Sheldon unhappy with casting choice."

But then Mark Ruffalo was the Hulk
in The Avengers and he was even better.

- What's your point?
- Call me a romantic.

I like to think that your Mark Ruffalo
is still out there somewhere.

This is ridiculous.
Are we gonna play cards or not?

- I like Mark Ruffalo too.
- Yeah, settle down there, fake Wolowitz.

No one likes a kiss-up.

So I had to take Sheldon
to the dentist this morning.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I told him that if he didn't bite the
hygienist I'd take him for ice cream.

I didn't have to take him for ice cream.

Uh-huh.

You okay?
You seem a little distracted.

Look,
there's something I need to tell you.

Oh, yeah, okay.

- I don't really know how to say this.
- Just say it.

- Okay, here goes...
- Mm-hm.

You slept with him?

I didn't know what else to do.
He had those big, sad eyes.

Oh, sure, you had no choice.

He looked at me like this.

If that's all it takes,
it's a good thing you don't have a dog.

Don't worry, you'll have plenty
of chances to break up with him.

Your wedding day, your honeymoon,
your 50th anniversary.

Look, it's fine,
we're not getting married, okay?

We're keeping things, you know,
homeostasis.

It's so cute when she tries.

It's from Leonard.

"Last night was amazing.
You're amazing.

I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

Okay, stop it.

Hey, Bernie, guess what? I stood up
to the other astronauts like you said.

And I gotta tell you last night
was the first time in a week...

I got a good night's sleep.

Oh, Howie.

What's wrong? You look upset.

Nope.

This is my proud face.