All language subtitles for Last Man Standing s09e10 Meatless Mike.eng

-Cute, huh?
-So cute.

I can't believe
my fancy sis has a house

with a garage apartment
behind it.

Oh, please, it is more elegant
to call it a coach house.

Which just happens
to rattle every time

-the garage door opens.
-[chuckles]

Well, it's awesome.

And did you paint the walls
Whispering Dove?

That is my favorite white.

Of course I know
it's your favorite.

Much like the sea-foam green
in the bedroom

is also your favorite.

I guess that means
you have to find a tenant

who's got my taste.
Wait a minute.

Oh, this place would be perfect
for you guys.

I mean, you've been looking
to move out of Mom and Dad's.

Yeah, it was kind of lame
living in my parents' house.

I would be way cooler
living in my sister's garage.

It would be great.

You and I would get to see
each other all the time.

And how cool would it be
for Sarah and Evelyn

to grow up sharing a front yard?

Okay, that would be cool.

-Wait, this is kind of amazing.
-Right?

-Yay.
-Yay. Okay, so now all we have to do

is sell Kyle on the idea.

Hey. Your new house is awesome.

Hey, did you see there's a
little, uh, foot bath out front?

That's a fountain.

Now it's both.

Sold.

♪

Alexa, tell everyone
it's time for dinner.

ALEXA:
Announcing.

VANESSA [over device]:
It's time for dinner.

Hey. Heard you loud and clear.

-Ah.
-[sighs] Man,

nobody works a grill like Dad.

But you know, he, uh,
he didn't have to cook us

this big going-away meal.

We're only moving
down the block.

Well, you know your dad.
Any excuse to eat meat.

His blood type is gravy.

Yeah, he had me pick up
two tri-tip, a whole chicken,

ribs and lamb chops.

-Mm.
-I got a standing ovation

-leaving the butcher's shop.
-[laughs]

Okay, hot plate, hot plate.

You can pull the ribs
out of the oven

-so they've done resting.
-Yes.

All right.
Now I need a cold beer,

if you can,
and my barbecue sauce.

Yeah, which you put
in my special teacup

that I got in London.

Because it adds that extra bit
of snootiness

that the ribs just adore.

Hey, wait, wait, wait.
Aren't you gonna grill

-all these vegetables I cut up?
-I don't want

a problem out there.

The meat doesn't get along
with the vegetables.

-Good morning.
-Hey, good morning.

-How are you?
-Hi. Mwah. I made you breakfast.

I hope you're hungry.

Oh, that was sweet.
Didn't need to do that.

I was just gonna have
a-a little piece of toast

-and the rest of those ribs.
-Ah.

Oh, you know,
why go with the extra carbs?

I'll just have the ribs.

You know, honey, that's not

the healthiest thing
to eat for breakfast.

That's not the healthiest thing
to eat ever.

Come on over here and try this.
This is a-a recipe

-that Jen and I came up with.
-What is it?

Come on, come on. Just give it
a try. You'll like it.

That's what people say
when they're trying

to poison somebody.

"Come on, eat it. It's okay."

Uh, it is tofu scramble
and soy bacon.

I don't know, you got
soy on top of soy.

That's a lot of estrogen
in there.

I'm probably gonna grow breasts,

and I kind of like the ones
I have, honey.

I want to try to eat healthier,

and, uh,
you should do it with me.

-You eat too much meat.
-We should, huh?

-Mm-hmm.
-That's an interesting thought, but...

No.

Okay, uh, well, then,
how about just for a month?

No.

A week?

-Just a week?
-Yeah.

No.

[scoffs] You know, y-you have
never been a person to just

dismiss something without
first giving it a fair shake.

I ate in India
in a hotel for a month.

No meat, and I loved
every meal I had there.

All right, great, great.

Then, uh, giving up meat
should be no problem.

-You're like a dog
with a meatless bone. -I am. Uh-huh.

One week? All right.

Are hot dogs
actually considered meat?

Morning, Chuck.
How's the morning going for you?

Um, fine, but right now
I'm suspicious.

Why are you so cheery?

My wife didn't want me
eating meat for a week.

Couple more days and she'll be
eating meat: fresh crow.

[laughs]

Huh. Why aren't more marriages
built on spite?

Morning, gentlemen.
How's it going?

Uh, I'm fine.
Mike Baxter's still meatless.

-Still meatless?
-Yeah.

All right, I'll call Sammy's,

get you a-a side of that
maple bacon you love so much.

Turning a maple tree and a pig
into perfection.

Where's the holiday
for that guy?

Well, I'm getting
some delicious maple bacon

because I didn't promise
anybody any damn thing.

My third wife
suggested I quit meat.

Yeah. She called it love.

I called it off.

Oh, guess who gave us
a shout-out.

-Oh, it's Jeff Dunham.
-Yeah.

-He's my favorite ventriloquist.
-Yeah.

I always wanted to be able
to throw my voice.

Well, you talk
out of your ass all the time.

-Look, look at what he wrote.
-Uh, hmm.

Oh, "Headed to Denver
for some shows,

"home of my favorite store,
Outdoor Man.

Love that place."
How about that?

Well, it's the best kind
of advertising: free.

And read my comment.

"Thanks for the heads-up.
It gives us time

to put up a sign explaining
who the hell Jeff Dunham is."

Ha, ha! That's what you call
a zinger, my friends.

Uh, some people might
call it an insult.

Come on, he's not one
of those insecure celebrities

who reads every online comment.

Insecure celebrities?
Do they even exist?

Um, yeah, and apparently
they read their comments.

Jeff says, "Here's some
sign language for you."

And then he-he puts up
that emoji

with the, with the finger,
that means...

I-I know what it means.

It means war.

Eh, you know, a war
that's not gonna go well.

Listen, guys,
I know Jeff Dunham.

He-he's actually a great guy.

Make nice, will you, please?

-Mm, sure.
-Where are you going?

I'm gonna go into my office
and smell the inside

of a wrapper
of an old pepperoni stick.

You heard the man. Apologize.

Oh, maybe I should
write it out for you

since you-you don't know
how to apologize.

So, in situations like this,
there are two kinds of people:

those who back down
and those who double down.

Guess which one I am.

The stubborn, "can't admit
when he's made a mistake

so he makes things worse" kind?

-Exactly. Exactly. A winner.
-Mm.

Oh, man, this is exactly
what is wrong with the Internet.

Everybody's a tough guy
behind their phone.

Relax. I'm just having a little
fun with him. That's all.

Oh, yeah, I know you think
this is fun, Ed, but trust me,

there is no fun on the Internet.

Trust me, he'll understand.
He's a professional comic.

But you're not.
You're an amateur wisecracker.

Amateur? I heckled Don Rickles
at the Desert Inn in '72.

He called me a hockey puck.

But Don Rickles didn't have
a bunch of followers

who could crash our website.

I'm telling you, Ed, please,
as head of security, fix this.

Mm-hmm. I see, so, now,
you're head of security, right?

-Yeah.
-I founded the place.

I think I'll do what I want,
thank you.

You hockey puck.

What...?

-Knock, knock.
-[gasps]

It's the landlord, Kyle.
Hide the hot plate.

Ha, ha, all right.

But just to be clear,
there's no hot plates.

Or smoking or water beds.

-You guys read the lease, right?
-Ryan?

-RYAN: Sorry.
-Yeah.

Uh, we brought you
housewarming gifts.

Oh, you brought me a plant.

Uh, actually,
the-the plant is for Mandy.

Thank God. I thought you
brought me a plant.

Thank you.

Oh, this is for you.

[laughs]:
Oh, sweet.

-A Mega-Drencher 3,000.
-Oh, yeah.

And I got the same one, so
we can have epic water fights.

Or, you know, like,
water the plants.

KYLE:
We, uh,

we really appreciate
living here, guys.

I mean, I'm-I'm excited
to start working

for the-the big guy upstairs,

but considering He created
the heavens and the earth,

you would think He could pay
a little better. [laughs]

Kidding. You know that.

It's our pleasure.

I mean, can you believe it?
First your mom and dad

are kind enough to take us in,

and now you guys
are taking us in.

What's next,
moving in with my mom?

We won't. She's dead.

Okay, um, well, do you want me
to help you recycle these boxes?

-Or...
-Oh, yeah. Thanks.

-[clears throat]
-Uh, this one, too?

Oh, no, no. I don't know what
I'm gonna do with that one yet.

-Okay.
-Thanks.

W-What's in here?

Uh, just some stuff
that I was still working on.

Where are you gonna
set up your work table?

I don't know.

I haven't had much time
for my business

since Sarah was born.

Like, none.
[chuckles]

Oh, that's rough.

[sighs]:
Yeah.

I thought I would be
Sofia Ferro by now.

Italian designer?

Single-handedly
brought back fringe?

Oh, her. Yeah.

Sofia Ferro lives in Milan.

Mandy Baxter lives in Denver
above a garage.

Well, maybe Sofia lives in Milan
above a garage.

It's just, sometimes I feel like

that big part of my life
is over.

I-Is it okay
if we don't talk about this?

Sure. Yeah.

Wow.

-You must be hungry, huh?
-[chuckles]

I'm cleaning out
all the leftover meat

for Baxter Vegetarian Week.

I think we can come up
with a better name.

How about The Week Without Joy?

You're going to love
being a vegetarian.

Or at the very least, I'm gonna
love watching you hate it.

Ha, ha. Wow, you are just a sick
little woman, aren't you?

Listen, for your information,
I've gone a lot longer

than a week without meat, so...

Good, so, uh,

this doesn't bother you?

No.

What about this?

Not at all.

You're handling this
really well, Mr. Baxter.

Which is no fun at all.

Sorry to disappoint you,
you little sadist.

I'll toss this brisket.

Fresh brisket. Probably against
the law to throw this stuff out.

Somewhere, it's probably...

not so-- oh, my...
[muttering]

-Hey.
-Hey.

What are you doing?

Uh, just tossing all this out.

I got something stuck
in my tooth.

I'm not eating this.

I'm not--
I'm-I'm throwing it out. I...

[stammers]
I... I bit my tongue.

I bit my...

Hold on a minute. W-Wait.

Wait a minute.
All right, sorry.

I did, I did eat
a piece of meat.

Honey, look.
Eat as much meat as you want.

But you said I shouldn't.

Well, that's exactly what
I don't want.

I-I don't want to
be your mother,

and-and I don't want to
be your warden.

Well, then why
am I so terrified of you?

Look, I just asked you to
do this for a week.

I didn't force you, did I?

Are we making jokes now or is
this-- okay, this is serious.

-No, you didn't.
-Right.

But when you sneak around
like that,

you make me feel like
I did force you.

And I don't want that.

So I would rather you eat
as much meat as you want,

and you can just die
at a young age.

Right, but we're not
making jokes right now.

That... that was a joke, right?

Really, Ed?

Three more online shots
at Jeff Dunham?

You leave me no choice,

I'm gonna have to block you
from our account.

[quietly]:
Come here.

You can't.
It's too important.

Somebody has to stop this guy
and his kind.

His-his kind?
You-you mean ventriloquists?

They're monsters.

When I was a boy, my abuelita

would tell me these horror
stories about men like Geppetto,

who would carve
the likenesses of boys

and use them
to steal their souls.

Geppetto was a sweet old man,
and he was fictional.

Sure. Sure. That's what they
want you to believe.

"They" who?

The voice throwers.

Oh...

Okay, no, okay, I understand.

Y-You're fighting against
the evil of puppet possession.

Which makes you cuckoo bananas.

I'm gonna tell you a story...

Excuse me.

Oh, my God, it's him.

[teeth clenched]:
Hello, Mr. Dunham.

I've seen all your specials.

Thanks.
And, uh, please don't do that.

Okay.

-I'm looking for Ed Alzate.
-CHUCK: Oh.

I'm Ed Alzate, you pasty demon.

Uh, um, Jeff, I'm sorry, Jeff.

You're gonna have to--
Can I call you Jeff?

[chuckles] Jeff-O.

Y-You'll have to forgive Ed.

Growing up, he was fed
all these-these crazy stories

about how ventriloquists would
steal innocent people's souls.

Yeah. All right, well,
that is crazy.

[Chuck laughs]

See? It's crazy.

I've yet to capture the soul
of someone who's innocent.

See, Chuck? What'd I tell you?
What'd I tell you?

He's coming for me.

CHUCK:
This...

[chuckles]:
This... this is weird.

Walter's been searching
for a new soul.

He's just about used up
Patrick Stewart.

He's English. They don't have
a lot of soul to begin with.

I'm sorry, Jeff,
but for whatever reason,

puppets make Ed uncomfortable,

so could you please put Walter
back in the box?

"Back in the box"?

Not cool.

Okay.

All right. [laughs]

As much as I enjoy
getting punked,

somebody's gonna have to tell me
what the hell's going on.

Uh, you're getting punked.
That's what's going on.

[both laughing]

Thanks, Jeff.
Jeff is in town,

he's doing some
promotional stuff for us.

-Great opportunity to punk you.
-[Chuck laughing]

And I took the opportunity
of having a little fun.

I can have a little fun here
if I want, you hockey puck.

[both laugh]

And you went along with it?

Well, I was already in town.

And plus, I don't really
have any friends.

-[Ed laughs]
-I'll be your friend.

Back off.

He's not much, but he's mine.

That was awfully funny, Jeff.

Well, what do you expect?
I'm a stand-up comedian.

Well, sort of.

Oh, Mikey.

-Okay, okay. [chuckles]
-What's that? What's that?

Mikey, I took the opportunity

of ordering
a little lunch for us

-for the publicity shoot.
-Oh...

-Is that from Sammy's?
-ED: Oh, yeah.

Oh, I love their brisket
with the pecan glaze.

ED:
That's it. That's the one, that's the one.

I hate it when he eats.

Then I have to do
all the talking.

Mikey, w-would you and Jeff
take a bite of the brisket?

And I-I'll take a picture
and send it to Sammy's

so they won't charge me.
How's that?

As much as I like helping you
become a cheapskate,

I'm not eating meat this week.

What? Outdoor Man
doesn't eat meat?

I guess he uses all these guns
around here to shoot broccoli.

[sighs heavily]

Are you okay?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

Reverend Paul asked if I could
write a sermon on gratitude.

-Oh, okay. Well,
don't worry about it, babe. -Yeah, that's true, yeah.

You know, w-what might
help me is if, um,

you told me what
you're grateful for.

Uh-huh.

You know, like, uh,
like our daughter?

Or your family?
Or your hair?

My hair? Oh, so suddenly
I don't have great legs?

-Come in.
-What?

-[knocking]
-Come in!

Hi, Kyle.

Oh, Mandy.
I did not see you there.

Lot of that going around.

Kyle, I got your text.

You are having trouble
writing a sermon

about something
to be grateful for.

Well, we all have something
to be grateful for.

Mandy, what are you
grateful for?

Stop.

Yeah, but I-I don't think
he was finished.

I wasn't.

Did my sister put you up
to this?

All right,
it's not working, Kristin.

That's because you guys
are horrible at this.

Yeah, Kyle is.
He hasn't taken improv classes.

You need to come in
with a "want."

You were supposed to come in

and tell her how great
she is with Sarah.

I was building to that, okay?

My character is shy because he
gets no love from his father.

You're not
playing a character, hon.

You're playing yourself!

And you ruined it, because
I didn't even get to the part

where I get to tell her
how happy she makes me.

You make me really happy.

Okay, okay, all right,
you know what?

Off-the-wall suggestion:
can we just take it again

-from my entrance?
-No, uh...

Listen, we-we were,
we were just trying to

make you feel better, you know?
Just trying to remind you

of-of all the great things
in your life.

Yeah, I know it feels like
you've given up a lot,

but you've gained a lot, too.

Yeah, I know I've gained a lot.

Gained a lot of drama queens.

Whoa! Okay.

I had one box that made me
feel sorry for myself

and then you guys put on
a full-blown production

of It's a Wonderful Life.

So you're okay?

Yes. Yes.
I am, I am grateful

that I have
a beautiful daughter,

a-a husband that I adore,

a sister who would
do anything for me,

and a brother-in-law
who's a great man

and a-a terrible actor.

I was the only one
with a point of view.

I'm fine, but thanks for caring.

Group hug.

I'm the richest woman in town!

Sorry I'm late.
Got stuck behind some idiot

driving the speed limit.
[chuckles]

-Mm.
-Mm.

-Oh...
-[giggles]

If I'd have known
my complaining turned you on,

I'd... I'd give you
that 30 minutes

on how much I hate Congress.

I've, uh, I've heard it.

Uh, no, that was for
turning down meat today,

when I would
never know about it.

How did you find out about that?

Ed texted me.
And, by the way,

he's still pissed
he had to pay for lunch.

I didn't eat meat today
because I didn't want to.

Not because I was told not to.

Okay. Um...

then why did we get to the point

where we were
having a fight about it?

I don't like it when...

I feel like you "should" on me.

"Should" on you?

When we were talking, you said,

"You shouldn't eat this,
you should eat more this.

You should do this,
you should..."

-You know, when I hear that,
I get defensive. -Oh, yeah.

Okay, well, that's not
how I meant it.

Well, I know it's probably
not how you meant it.

It's how I took it,
and maybe it's because

I wasn't eating meat
and I was a little testy.

Um, I-I won't say "should"
anymore.

-Thank you.
-Okay.

-And-and you shouldn't...
-Honey.

...let-- all right,
all right, all right.

-Wow.
-Uh...

I would prefer it if,
in the future,

you would not tell me
an untruth.

What do you mean? Oh, I didn't--
I-I was not untruth...

-Yeah, you lied to me.
You did. Yeah. -No. No, I didn't.

-No, I kind of lied.
-When you were eating meat in there,

-you took-- Y-Yeah.
-Okay, it was, uh...

Okay, I-I apol--
I did lie to you.

-Warden, I did.
-[scoffs]

-We're good?
-Yes, we're good. All right.

What do you want for dinner?

Well, it's gonna be all-vegan,

so I really couldn't
give a "should."

Hey, Mike Baxter here
for Outdoor Man.

If you think I look
a little extra chiseled today,

it's because I, uh...

cut back on empty carbs.

You know, we sell more tents,
boats and snowmobiles

than any other chain
in the world.

Why? Because what
we're really selling

is 31 flavors of freedom.

Ah, delicious freedom.

And you don't have to
choose just one.

Heck, make it a swirl.

Because there's no bad flavors
of personal sovereignty.

Some think freedom is
wind in their hair

on a mountaintop.

Or wind in their hair on an ATV.

Or wind in their hair
on a motorboat.

Turns out a lot of people
think freedom

is just something about
wind in their hair.

But any time you choose
what to do,

where to go or what to eat,

you're enjoying
the sweet glory of liberty.

Some people define freedom
a little differently.

They see it as being liberated

from ever having to
make a choice.

And you know what those puppets
like to do for fun?

Whatever their puppet master
tells them to do.

That's not for us.

Not in the home of the brave
and the land of the free.

God bless America.

And once you reach
the mountaintop

and look out
across the promised land,

you realize He already
has blessed us.

And I believe He'll continue
to do so.

[chuckles] Knock on wood.

Baxter out.

[chicken clucks]

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