Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:16,233 --> 00:00:19,934
Captions made possible by
HOME BOX OFFICE
2
00:00:19,934 --> 00:00:23,533
A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
3
00:00:23,533 --> 00:00:26,266
♪ ♪
4
00:00:26,266 --> 00:00:28,500
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY MIND ♪
5
00:00:28,500 --> 00:00:30,800
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
6
00:00:30,800 --> 00:00:33,300
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
GO ALL OUT ♪
7
00:00:33,300 --> 00:00:35,667
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
8
00:00:35,667 --> 00:00:38,033
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
ACT A FOOL ♪
9
00:00:38,033 --> 00:00:40,333
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
10
00:00:40,333 --> 00:00:42,834
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY COOL ♪
11
00:00:42,834 --> 00:00:45,100
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
12
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:46,900
FROM THE HISTORIC
LINCOLN THEATER
13
00:00:46,900 --> 00:00:48,967
IN WASHINGTON, D.C.,
14
00:00:48,967 --> 00:00:51,533
DAVE CHAPPELLE !
15
00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:53,767
( cheers and applause )
16
00:01:00,633 --> 00:01:02,433
THANK YOU !
17
00:01:03,900 --> 00:01:06,567
THANK YOU, THANK YOU !
18
00:01:06,567 --> 00:01:09,400
OH, YEAH, OH, YEAH.
19
00:01:11,934 --> 00:01:14,300
ALRIGHT...
20
00:01:14,300 --> 00:01:17,100
BOY...
21
00:01:17,100 --> 00:01:20,133
Y'ALL MAKE IT GOOD
TO COME HOME, BOY, I SWEAR.
22
00:01:20,133 --> 00:01:23,433
I KNOW, MAN,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE,
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
23
00:01:23,433 --> 00:01:26,800
D.C.'s DIFFERENT !
24
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,433
I BEEN GONE, MAN,
IT TOOK ME YEARS
25
00:01:30,433 --> 00:01:33,667
TO GET TO DO THIS SHOW,
BOY, D.C. HAS CHANGED.
26
00:01:33,667 --> 00:01:35,266
IT'S DIFFERENT NOW.
27
00:01:35,266 --> 00:01:37,900
( laughter )
28
00:01:39,700 --> 00:01:42,967
THERE'S A LOT OF WHITE PEOPLE
WALKIN' AROUND, ISN'T THERE ?
29
00:01:42,967 --> 00:01:44,700
( applause )
30
00:01:50,767 --> 00:01:55,567
I LEFT D.C. IN THE 80s,
IT WAS NOT LIKE THIS IN THE 80s.
31
00:01:55,567 --> 00:01:57,700
WHEN CRACK WAS GOING ON,
32
00:01:57,700 --> 00:01:59,133
REMEMBER WHEN
CRACK WAS GOING ON ?
33
00:01:59,133 --> 00:02:01,333
THE WHITE PEOPLE'D
BE LOOKIN' AT D.C. FROM VIRGINIA
34
00:02:01,333 --> 00:02:03,633
WITH BINOCULARS
AND SHIT.
35
00:02:03,633 --> 00:02:07,000
"WELL, THAT
LOOKS DANGEROUS.
36
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,300
NOT YET."
37
00:02:14,033 --> 00:02:16,133
NEW WHITE PEOPLE, YOU CAN'T
SCARE THESE WHITE PEOPLE.
38
00:02:16,133 --> 00:02:17,900
I TRIED.
39
00:02:17,900 --> 00:02:20,734
ROLLED UP ON 'EM,
"BOO !"
40
00:02:20,734 --> 00:02:23,200
"WHAT THE HELL
IS WRONG WITH YOU ?"
41
00:02:23,200 --> 00:02:25,166
( applause )
42
00:02:27,400 --> 00:02:29,000
"THOSE DAYS ARE OVER."
43
00:02:30,467 --> 00:02:33,367
I'M GLAD THAT WE'RE DOING
A SHOW HERE BY HOWARD,
44
00:02:33,367 --> 00:02:34,900
YOU KNOW, AND YOU SEE
WHITE PEOPLE COME BY
45
00:02:34,900 --> 00:02:36,033
AND THAT'S GOOD.
46
00:02:36,033 --> 00:02:37,400
THE ONE THING
I'M SEEING,
47
00:02:37,400 --> 00:02:38,734
YOU'LL BE WALKING
DOWN THE STREET
48
00:02:38,734 --> 00:02:40,367
AND YOU'LL SEE
A GROUP OF BLACK DUDES WALKING,
49
00:02:40,367 --> 00:02:43,300
NOT JUST ANY OLD BLACK DUDES,
WE'RE TALKING, YOU KNOW,
50
00:02:43,300 --> 00:02:45,934
"THUGS".
51
00:02:45,934 --> 00:02:49,233
THERE'D BE SOME THUGS,
AND IN THE GROUP,
52
00:02:49,233 --> 00:02:52,433
THEY GOT ONE OR TWO,
SOMETIMES AS MANY
53
00:02:52,433 --> 00:02:53,900
AS THREE WHITE GUYS
WILL BE WITH THEM,
54
00:02:53,900 --> 00:02:55,433
DID YA EVER SEE
THAT SHIT ?
55
00:02:55,433 --> 00:02:57,433
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THOSE WHITE GUYS.
56
00:02:57,433 --> 00:03:01,166
THOSE WHITE GUYS ARE
THE MOST DANGEROUS MOTHERFUCKERS
57
00:03:01,166 --> 00:03:03,066
IN THEM GROUPS.
58
00:03:03,066 --> 00:03:04,600
( applause )
59
00:03:04,600 --> 00:03:08,600
WELL, IT'S TRUE,
IT'S TRUE, MAN.
60
00:03:08,600 --> 00:03:10,500
AIN'T NO TELLIN'
WHAT THEY'VE DONE
61
00:03:10,500 --> 00:03:12,300
TO GET THEM
BLACK DUDE'S RESPECT.
62
00:03:12,300 --> 00:03:15,266
BUT, THEM BLACK DUDES
HAVE SEEN THEM DO
63
00:03:15,266 --> 00:03:17,467
SOME WILD SHIT,
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
64
00:03:17,467 --> 00:03:18,967
I BEEN TRYING
TO TELL BROTHERS THAT.
65
00:03:18,967 --> 00:03:20,667
EVERY GROUP OF BROTHERS
SHOULD HAVE AT LEAST
66
00:03:20,667 --> 00:03:22,400
ONE WHITE GUY IN IT.
67
00:03:22,400 --> 00:03:24,667
I'M SERIOUS,
FOR SAFETY.
68
00:03:27,133 --> 00:03:29,133
'CAUSE WHEN
THE SHIT GOES DOWN,
69
00:03:29,133 --> 00:03:32,734
SOMEBODY'S GONNA NEED
TO TALK TO THE POLICE.
70
00:03:32,734 --> 00:03:35,066
( laughter )
71
00:03:40,367 --> 00:03:43,667
THAT'S WHEN THAT WHITE FRIEND
COMES IN HANDY.
72
00:03:43,667 --> 00:03:46,700
"UH-OH, ERNIE,
WANNA GET THIS ONE ?
73
00:03:46,700 --> 00:03:49,633
C'MON NOW, C'MON,
DO SOMETHIN'."
74
00:03:49,633 --> 00:03:52,033
SEE, BLACK PEOPLE ARE
VERY AFRAID OF THE POLICE.
75
00:03:52,033 --> 00:03:55,000
THAT IS A BIG PART
OF OUR CULTURE.
76
00:03:55,000 --> 00:03:56,133
IT DON'T MATTER
HOW RICH YOU ARE,
77
00:03:56,133 --> 00:03:58,400
HOW OLD YOU ARE.
78
00:03:58,400 --> 00:04:01,500
WE'RE JUST
AFRAID OF 'EM.
79
00:04:01,500 --> 00:04:04,200
WE GOT EVERY REASON
TO BE AFRAID OF THEM.
80
00:04:04,200 --> 00:04:05,367
YOU KNOW, LIKE,
YOU'RE A WHITE LADY,
81
00:04:05,367 --> 00:04:06,800
YOU EVER BEEN
PULLED OVER BEFORE ?
82
00:04:06,800 --> 00:04:08,467
AND WHAT DO THEY SAY ?
83
00:04:08,467 --> 00:04:09,734
LET ME SEE YOUR
DRIVER'S LICENSE
84
00:04:09,734 --> 00:04:11,667
AND YOUR REGISTRATION,
RIGHT ?
85
00:04:11,667 --> 00:04:14,133
SEE, SEE,
I'M JUST GUESSING.
86
00:04:14,133 --> 00:04:17,233
THAT'S NOT
WHAT THEY SAY TO US.
87
00:04:17,233 --> 00:04:20,934
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE
WHAT THEY SAY TO US.
88
00:04:20,934 --> 00:04:23,567
"SPREAD YOUR CHEEKS
AND LIFT YOUR SACK."
89
00:04:23,567 --> 00:04:25,767
LIKE, WHAT THE FUCK ?
90
00:04:25,767 --> 00:04:28,133
"EXCUSE ME ?!"
91
00:04:28,133 --> 00:04:29,834
"YOU HEARD ME,
SPREAD OPEN YOUR CHEEKS
92
00:04:29,834 --> 00:04:32,033
AND LIFT YOUR SACK."
93
00:04:32,033 --> 00:04:34,233
I GOT A DRIVER'S
LICENSE, TOO.
94
00:04:34,233 --> 00:04:37,000
IT'S ONE OF THE EASIER WAYS
TO PROVE WHO I AM.
95
00:04:37,000 --> 00:04:39,000
WHAT DOES THAT PROVE ?
96
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,400
I CAN'T GO
TO THE BANK LIKE THAT.
97
00:04:41,400 --> 00:04:43,233
CASH MY CHECK.
98
00:04:43,233 --> 00:04:44,533
"WHAT DO YOU MEAN
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY I.D. ?"
99
00:04:44,533 --> 00:04:46,000
"WAIT A MINUTE."
100
00:04:47,467 --> 00:04:48,867
( applause )
101
00:04:48,867 --> 00:04:52,266
"OH, OH, I'M SORRY
MR. CHAPPELLE,
102
00:04:52,266 --> 00:04:54,133
"RIGHT THIS WAY.
103
00:04:54,133 --> 00:04:57,734
WHY DIDN'T YOU SPREAD
YOUR CHEEKS IN THE BEGINNING ?"
104
00:04:59,100 --> 00:05:00,900
SCARED OF 'EM.
105
00:05:02,967 --> 00:05:05,166
I'M SERIOUS, MAN.
106
00:05:05,166 --> 00:05:06,266
YOU EVER BEEN
AT A RED LIGHT,
107
00:05:06,266 --> 00:05:07,633
THE POLICE MIGHT
PULL UP NEXT TO YOU ?
108
00:05:07,633 --> 00:05:09,133
IT WON'T BE
NO BIG DEAL FOR YOU,
109
00:05:09,133 --> 00:05:10,734
BUT, I FUCKIN'
FALL APART.
110
00:05:10,734 --> 00:05:12,633
"OH, OH, MAN.
111
00:05:12,633 --> 00:05:15,934
NO, DON'T LOOK
OVER THERE, NO, NO."
112
00:05:20,467 --> 00:05:22,800
BUT, I DIDN'T ALWAYS KNOW
THERE WAS A BLACK THING,
113
00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,800
IT TOOK ME A WHILE
TO FIGURE THAT OUT.
114
00:05:24,800 --> 00:05:27,100
I LEARNED THAT SHIT
IN NEW YORK,
115
00:05:27,100 --> 00:05:29,033
I WAS IN NEW YORK CITY.
116
00:05:29,033 --> 00:05:31,567
( applause )
117
00:05:31,567 --> 00:05:33,734
I WAS HANGING OUT
WITH A FRIEND OF MINE.
118
00:05:33,734 --> 00:05:35,967
HE'S A WHITE GUY, YOU KNOW,
WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT,
119
00:05:35,967 --> 00:05:37,734
AND WE WERE
LOST IN THE CITY,
120
00:05:37,734 --> 00:05:39,467
YOU KNOW, WE WERE
SMOKING A JOINT.
121
00:05:39,467 --> 00:05:41,166
NOW I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S
A COINCIDENCE
122
00:05:41,166 --> 00:05:43,033
THAT WE WERE LOST
AND HIGH, AND SHIT,
123
00:05:43,033 --> 00:05:47,600
BUT, MY WHITE BUDDY,
HE WAS SMOKING A JOINT.
124
00:05:49,367 --> 00:05:51,433
"DAVE, DAVE !
125
00:05:51,433 --> 00:05:53,467
IT'S THE GODAMN COPS."
126
00:05:53,467 --> 00:05:55,133
( laughter )
127
00:06:04,667 --> 00:06:06,900
"I'M GONNA ASK 'EM
FOR DIRECTIONS."
128
00:06:09,166 --> 00:06:12,767
I SAID, "CHIP, NO !
CHIP, DON'T DO IT !
129
00:06:12,767 --> 00:06:14,633
IT WAS TOO LATE.
130
00:06:14,633 --> 00:06:18,000
HE WAS WALKING OVER THERE,
THIS MAN WAS HIGH AS SHIT.
131
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:19,867
"EXCUSE ME.
132
00:06:19,867 --> 00:06:21,533
EXCUSE ME, SIR."
133
00:06:21,533 --> 00:06:24,467
TOUCHING HIM AND SHIT,
"EXCUSE ME.
134
00:06:24,467 --> 00:06:27,000
I NEED SOME
INFORMATION."
135
00:06:27,000 --> 00:06:29,900
HE STARTS CONFESSING THINGS
HE SHOULDN'T CONFESS.
136
00:06:29,900 --> 00:06:31,600
"I'M A LITTLE HIGH...
137
00:06:33,967 --> 00:06:38,333
ALL I WANNA KNOW,
WHICH WAY IS THIRD STREET ?"
138
00:06:38,333 --> 00:06:40,667
THE COP WAS LIKE,
"HEY, TAKE IT EASY.
139
00:06:40,667 --> 00:06:44,166
"YOU'RE ON THIRD STREET.
140
00:06:44,166 --> 00:06:48,333
"YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL,
GO AHEAD, MOVE IT.
141
00:06:48,333 --> 00:06:50,800
MOVE IT."
142
00:06:50,800 --> 00:06:54,266
THAT'S ALL
THAT HAPPENED.
143
00:06:54,266 --> 00:06:56,600
THAT'S THE END
OF THE STORY.
144
00:06:56,600 --> 00:07:00,633
NOW, I KNOW THAT'S
NOT AMAZING TO SOME OF YOU,
145
00:07:00,633 --> 00:07:02,533
BUT, YOU ASK ONE
OF THESE BLACK FELLAS,
146
00:07:02,533 --> 00:07:05,500
THAT SHIT IS FUCKING
INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT ?
147
00:07:05,500 --> 00:07:07,266
A BLACK MAN
WOULD NEVER DREAM
148
00:07:07,266 --> 00:07:09,900
OF TALKING
TO THE POLICE HIGH.
149
00:07:09,900 --> 00:07:11,500
THAT'S A WASTE OF WEED.
150
00:07:11,500 --> 00:07:14,000
( laughter and applause )
151
00:07:17,633 --> 00:07:19,600
I'M SERIOUS.
152
00:07:19,600 --> 00:07:22,200
I'D BE SCARED OF
TALKING TO THE POLICE
153
00:07:22,200 --> 00:07:24,200
WHEN I'M SLEEPY !
154
00:07:24,200 --> 00:07:26,800
FUCK AROUND,
GET THE WRONG IDEAS.
155
00:07:26,800 --> 00:07:28,600
"OH !"
156
00:07:30,300 --> 00:07:32,500
"OH, MY GOD !
157
00:07:32,500 --> 00:07:35,200
"THAT NIGGER
WAS ON PCP, JOHNSON !
158
00:07:35,200 --> 00:07:38,533
"I HAD TO USE
NECESSARY FORCE.
159
00:07:38,533 --> 00:07:40,000
"YOU SAW HIM !
160
00:07:40,000 --> 00:07:42,333
"NO, NO, NO,
NO PAPERWORK.
161
00:07:42,333 --> 00:07:44,266
"JUST SPRINKLE SOME
CRACK ON HIM,
162
00:07:44,266 --> 00:07:46,667
LET'S GET
OUT OF HERE."
163
00:07:46,667 --> 00:07:49,767
THAT'S HOW IT IS,
BUT, AT THE TIME,
164
00:07:49,767 --> 00:07:51,667
I DIDN'T THINK THERE
WAS ANYTHING RACIAL ABOUT IT.
165
00:07:51,667 --> 00:07:53,700
I WAS LIKE, "MAN, CHIP,
YOU GOT FUCKIN' LUCKY,
166
00:07:53,700 --> 00:07:55,266
YOU BETTER BE CAREFUL."
167
00:07:55,266 --> 00:07:57,500
BUT, THEN ANOTHER TIME,
ME AND CHIP WERE DRIVING.
168
00:07:57,500 --> 00:08:01,433
NOW, I'M NOT DRIVING,
CHIP IS DRIVING,
169
00:08:01,433 --> 00:08:03,600
AND HE'S DRIVING
A LITTLE CRAZY.
170
00:08:03,600 --> 00:08:05,500
HE'S BEEN DRINKING.
171
00:08:07,967 --> 00:08:10,166
NOW, I DON'T LIKE TO
LET MY FRIENDS DRIVE DRUNK,
172
00:08:10,166 --> 00:08:12,266
BUT, YOU KNOW,
I WAS SMOKING A JOINT,
173
00:08:12,266 --> 00:08:14,200
I COULDN'T REALLY
SAY SHIT TO THE GUY !
174
00:08:18,633 --> 00:08:20,367
BUT, WE GET
TO A RED LIGHT,
175
00:08:20,367 --> 00:08:21,867
WE STOP AT A RED LIGHT,
176
00:08:21,867 --> 00:08:23,266
AND A CAR PULLS UP
NEXT TO US,
177
00:08:23,266 --> 00:08:24,600
AND, I'LL NEVER
FORGET IT.
178
00:08:24,600 --> 00:08:26,333
CHIP, HE LOOKS AT ME
AND HE'S ALL DRUNK,
179
00:08:26,333 --> 00:08:28,066
AND HE'S LIKE,
"DAVE,
180
00:08:28,066 --> 00:08:30,300
I'M GONNA RACE 'EM."
181
00:08:35,900 --> 00:08:37,800
I KNEW IT WAS
A BAD IDEA.
182
00:08:37,800 --> 00:08:40,533
BUT, I WAS HIGH.
183
00:08:40,533 --> 00:08:42,767
I TRIED TO EXPLAIN TO HIM
IT WAS A BAD IDEA,
184
00:08:42,767 --> 00:08:44,567
BUT, ALL THAT
CAME OUT WAS,
185
00:08:44,567 --> 00:08:47,033
"WELL, NIGGER,
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA RACE,
I DON'T KNOW."
186
00:08:47,033 --> 00:08:48,900
( wild applause )
187
00:08:52,834 --> 00:08:57,433
MAN, THAT LIGHT TURNED GREEN
AND CHIP TOOK OFF !
188
00:08:57,433 --> 00:08:59,200
ZIG ZAGGIN' AND SHIT,
SO, NO ONE COULD PASS,
189
00:08:59,200 --> 00:09:01,166
THE OTHER CAR DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW WE WAS RACIN' !
190
00:09:05,200 --> 00:09:07,900
THEN THE POLICE SEEN US
AND PULLED US OVER.
191
00:09:07,900 --> 00:09:09,533
NOW, YOU UNDERSTAND,
I'M SCARED AS SHIT.
192
00:09:09,533 --> 00:09:11,266
I MEAN, COME ON,
THE CAR SMELLS LIKE WEED,
193
00:09:11,266 --> 00:09:14,700
WE'VE BEEN SPEEDING,
THIS MAN IS FUCKING DRUNK !
194
00:09:14,700 --> 00:09:17,300
I'M SCARED.
195
00:09:17,300 --> 00:09:20,100
CHIP WAS NOT
SCARED AT ALL.
196
00:09:20,100 --> 00:09:22,100
IT WAS WEIRD, HE DIDN'T
EVEN TURN HIS RADIO DOWN,
197
00:09:22,100 --> 00:09:23,834
ISN'T THAT WEIRD ?
198
00:09:23,834 --> 00:09:25,300
I MEAN, IF YOU
GET PULLED OVER,
199
00:09:25,300 --> 00:09:27,300
WOULDN'T YOU TURN
YOUR RADIO DOWN ?
200
00:09:27,300 --> 00:09:28,700
NOBODY WANNA GET
THEIR ASS BEAT
201
00:09:28,700 --> 00:09:30,734
TO A SOUNDTRACK
AND SHIT.
202
00:09:30,734 --> 00:09:32,333
( laughter )
203
00:09:32,333 --> 00:09:33,767
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING ?
204
00:09:33,767 --> 00:09:36,066
CHIP HAD
THE MUSIC BLASTING...
205
00:09:36,066 --> 00:09:38,233
♪ WE'RE NOT GONNA
TAKE IT ♪
206
00:09:44,867 --> 00:09:47,467
HE LOOKED AT ME AND SAID,
"DAVE, JUST RELAX.
207
00:09:47,467 --> 00:09:49,967
"CLOSE YOUR
BUTT CHEEKS, RELAX !
208
00:09:52,400 --> 00:09:54,700
LET ME DO THE TALKING."
209
00:09:57,800 --> 00:09:59,367
WANNA KNOW
WHAT HE SAID ?
210
00:09:59,367 --> 00:10:01,200
THIS IS ALMOST
EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID.
211
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:04,333
I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT,
HE SAYS, "OH, OH...
212
00:10:05,734 --> 00:10:08,066
"SORRY, OFFICER, I...
213
00:10:09,834 --> 00:10:12,367
I DIDN'T KNOW
I COULDN'T DO THAT."
214
00:10:14,133 --> 00:10:16,667
I WAS FUCKING SHOCKED !
215
00:10:16,667 --> 00:10:19,400
THE COP SAID,
"WELL, NOW YOU KNOW.
216
00:10:19,400 --> 00:10:22,633
GET OUTTA HERE, JUST
GET THE FUCK YOU OUTTA HERE."
217
00:10:25,734 --> 00:10:28,533
CHIP SAID, "OKAY,
I WILL, SIR, THANK YOU.
218
00:10:30,200 --> 00:10:32,233
"WHAT ?
219
00:10:32,233 --> 00:10:34,934
WHAT'S WRONG
WITH YOU, DAVE ?"
220
00:10:34,934 --> 00:10:39,633
"I DIDN'T KNOW
I COULDN'T DO THAT."
221
00:10:39,633 --> 00:10:41,533
HE SAID, "THAT WAS GOOD,
WASN'T IT ?!
222
00:10:43,367 --> 00:10:45,633
BECAUSE I DID KNOW
I COULDN'T DO THAT !"
223
00:10:45,633 --> 00:10:48,300
( laughing )
224
00:10:48,300 --> 00:10:51,066
( audience howling )
225
00:10:56,967 --> 00:10:59,033
I WAS SHOCKED.
226
00:10:59,033 --> 00:11:01,567
I WASN'T SHOCKED
AT THE AUDACITY,
227
00:11:01,567 --> 00:11:03,066
I WAS JUST SHOCKED
BECAUSE I WOULD'VE
228
00:11:03,066 --> 00:11:05,433
NEVER THOUGHT
TO SAY THAT.
229
00:11:05,433 --> 00:11:07,400
I DON'T THINK ANY BLACK DUDE
WOULD THINK TO SAY THAT.
230
00:11:07,400 --> 00:11:09,800
BECAUSE THEY KNOW
WE KNOW THE LAW.
231
00:11:09,800 --> 00:11:12,667
EVERY BLACK DUDE
IN THIS ROOM
232
00:11:12,667 --> 00:11:14,667
IS A QUALIFIED
PARALEGAL AND SHIT,
233
00:11:14,667 --> 00:11:16,900
HE KNOWS THE LAW.
234
00:11:16,900 --> 00:11:19,533
IF ONE OF US EVEN
START TO DO SOMETHING WRONG,
235
00:11:19,533 --> 00:11:21,467
THE OLD BLACK MAN
WOULD POP OUTTA NOWHERE,
236
00:11:21,467 --> 00:11:23,834
"NIGGER, DON'T DO THAT,
THAT'S 5-TO-10 !
237
00:11:25,367 --> 00:11:27,367
WATCH OUT !"
238
00:11:29,834 --> 00:11:33,000
BUT, WE KNOW THE LAWS
AND THE PENALTIES.
239
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:35,100
NOW, CHIP DIDN'T EVEN
KNOW HE COULDN'T RACE.
240
00:11:35,100 --> 00:11:37,166
I'M NOT SAYING
I DON'T LIKE POLICE,
241
00:11:37,166 --> 00:11:38,500
I'M NOT SAYING THAT.
242
00:11:38,500 --> 00:11:40,333
I'M SAYING
I'M JUST SCARED OF 'EM.
243
00:11:40,333 --> 00:11:41,867
THERE'S NOTHING
WRONG WITH THAT.
244
00:11:41,867 --> 00:11:44,400
SOMETIMES,
WE WANNA CALL 'EM TOO.
245
00:11:44,400 --> 00:11:46,533
SOMEBODY BROKE
INTO MY HOUSE ONCE,
246
00:11:46,533 --> 00:11:48,700
THAT'S A GOOD TIME
TO CALL 'EM, BUT, NO,
247
00:11:48,700 --> 00:11:50,767
UH-UH, UH-UH.
248
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,967
THE HOUSE
WAS TOO NICE.
249
00:11:52,967 --> 00:11:54,367
IT AIN'T
A REAL NICE HOUSE,
250
00:11:54,367 --> 00:11:56,967
BUT, THEY'D NEVER BELIEVE
I LIVED IN IT.
251
00:11:56,967 --> 00:11:58,400
THEY'D BE LIKE,
"HE'S STILL HERE !
252
00:12:00,166 --> 00:12:02,066
"OH, MY GOD !
253
00:12:06,133 --> 00:12:09,166
"OPEN AND SHUT CASE,
JOHNSON !
254
00:12:09,166 --> 00:12:11,934
"I SAW THIS ONCE BEFORE
WHEN I WAS A ROOKIE.
255
00:12:11,934 --> 00:12:14,600
"APPARENTLY,
THIS NIGGER BROKE IN
256
00:12:14,600 --> 00:12:17,433
"AND HUNG UP PICTURES
OF HIS FAMILY EVERYWHERE.
257
00:12:20,834 --> 00:12:23,533
"WELL, LET'S SPRINKLE
SOME CRACK ON HIM
258
00:12:23,533 --> 00:12:25,266
AND GET OUTTA HERE !"
259
00:12:28,800 --> 00:12:31,467
AH, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
THE WHOLE BRUTALITY THING.
260
00:12:31,467 --> 00:12:33,066
SEE, THAT'S
COMMON KNOWLEDGE NOW.
261
00:12:33,066 --> 00:12:34,467
THERE WAS A TIME
WHEN ONLY MINORITIES
262
00:12:34,467 --> 00:12:35,967
REALLY KNEW ABOUT THAT.
263
00:12:35,967 --> 00:12:37,600
I'M NOT GONNA SAY WHITE
PEOPLE DIDN'T BELIEVE US,
264
00:12:37,600 --> 00:12:39,300
BUT, YOU WERE
A LITTLE SKEPTICAL.
265
00:12:39,300 --> 00:12:41,033
AND, I MEAN,
I DON'T BLAME YOU,
266
00:12:41,033 --> 00:12:43,200
AND THEN NEWSWEEK PRINTED IT
AND YOU KNEW IT WAS TRUE.
267
00:12:43,200 --> 00:12:47,367
IN NEWSWEEK, WHITE PEOPLE
WERE LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
268
00:12:47,367 --> 00:12:49,867
"HONEY,
DID YOU SEE THIS ?
269
00:12:49,867 --> 00:12:52,033
"APPARENTLY THE POLICE
HAVE BEEN BEATING UP NEGROES
270
00:12:52,033 --> 00:12:54,600
"LIKE HOTCAKES !
271
00:12:54,600 --> 00:12:57,033
IT'S IN
THE MAY ISSUE."
272
00:13:00,133 --> 00:13:02,066
I MEAN, REALLY,
HOW COULD YOU KNOW, THOUGH ?
273
00:13:02,066 --> 00:13:03,734
HOW COULD ANYONE
ELSE KNOW ?
274
00:13:03,734 --> 00:13:05,967
I MEAN, MAYBE
YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN SOMETHING
275
00:13:05,967 --> 00:13:07,600
A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.
276
00:13:07,600 --> 00:13:09,200
DIDN'T YOU THINK IT WAS
LIKE A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS,
277
00:13:09,200 --> 00:13:10,533
JUST A LITTLE
SUSPICIOUS ?
278
00:13:10,533 --> 00:13:12,600
EVERY DEAD BLACK PERSON
THE POLICE FIND
279
00:13:12,600 --> 00:13:15,567
HAS CRACK SPRINKLED
ALL OVER THEM ?
280
00:13:17,266 --> 00:13:18,834
C'MON, MAN.
281
00:13:18,834 --> 00:13:20,800
WHO GETS SHOT AND SPRINKLES
CRACK ON THEMSELVES ?
282
00:13:20,800 --> 00:13:22,100
NOBODY WOULD DO THAT.
283
00:13:22,100 --> 00:13:22,900
BAM !
284
00:13:22,900 --> 00:13:24,800
"OH, OH... "
285
00:13:27,000 --> 00:13:29,867
( laughter and applause )
286
00:13:29,867 --> 00:13:32,734
"I DON'T WANNA
LEAVE NO MYSTERIES."
287
00:13:37,967 --> 00:13:39,767
I'M A PARANOID GUY,
YOU KNOW, SO,
288
00:13:39,767 --> 00:13:43,333
I'D BE SCARED TO CALL
911 FOR ANYTHING.
289
00:13:43,333 --> 00:13:45,367
EVEN IF IT'S LIKE
A FIRE OR ANYTHING.
290
00:13:45,367 --> 00:13:47,367
'CAUSE THEY TAPE
THOSE PHONE CALLS.
291
00:13:47,367 --> 00:13:49,533
I SEE THE SHOWS,
THEY TAPE 'EM,
292
00:13:49,533 --> 00:13:51,166
AND THEN THEY
PLAY 'EM ON TELEVISION.
293
00:13:51,166 --> 00:13:52,867
THAT'S FUCKED UP.
294
00:13:52,867 --> 00:13:55,066
NOW, I'LL SAY ANYTHING
IF I'M SCARED,
295
00:13:55,066 --> 00:13:57,567
THAT SHIT IS PRIVATE,
YOU KNOW ?
296
00:13:57,567 --> 00:13:59,500
WHAT IF I GET KILLED ?
297
00:13:59,500 --> 00:14:01,834
THEY START PLAYING
THAT 911 TAPE ON THE NEWS,
298
00:14:01,834 --> 00:14:04,400
I'M DEAD, I CAN'T EXPLAIN
MYSELF TO MY BUDDIES AND SHIT.
299
00:14:04,400 --> 00:14:06,266
THEY'D BE
WATCHING THE NEWS,
300
00:14:06,266 --> 00:14:08,700
"WE HAVE REG CHAPMAN
ON THE SCENE, REG ?
301
00:14:08,700 --> 00:14:12,333
WHAT'S GOING ON
OUT THERE ?"
302
00:14:12,333 --> 00:14:14,433
IT'S ALWAYS TAKES THE GUY
ON THE SCENE A MINUTE.
303
00:14:15,667 --> 00:14:18,400
"HI, BOB !
304
00:14:18,400 --> 00:14:21,433
"HI, YES, WE JUST GOT
HOLD OF A COPY
305
00:14:21,433 --> 00:14:24,133
"OF DAVE CHAPPELLE'S
FRANTIC,
306
00:14:24,133 --> 00:14:26,533
911 EMERGENCY CALL.
307
00:14:29,133 --> 00:14:33,667
"REMEMBER VIEWERS, SOME
OF THIS LANGUAGE IS DISTURBING."
308
00:14:38,200 --> 00:14:40,400
"HELLO,
EMERGENCY."
309
00:14:40,400 --> 00:14:42,233
"HELP !
310
00:14:42,233 --> 00:14:45,333
HELP, MOTHERFUCKER,
THEY'RE COMING TO GET ME !"
311
00:14:45,333 --> 00:14:48,500
"JUST CALM DOWN, SIR,
WHERE ARE YOU ?"
312
00:14:48,500 --> 00:14:50,867
"OH, OH,
I SHIT ON MYSELF !
313
00:14:53,400 --> 00:14:55,834
I CAN'T
STOP CRYING."
314
00:14:55,834 --> 00:14:59,767
THEY'LL PLAY THAT SHIT
30, 40 TIMES A DAY.
315
00:14:59,767 --> 00:15:02,233
ALL MY BUDDIES
WILL BE AT MY FUNERAL,
316
00:15:02,233 --> 00:15:03,567
LOOKING AT ME.
317
00:15:05,967 --> 00:15:08,834
"YOU KNOW DAVE SHIT ON HIMSELF
RIGHT AFTER THE BULLET ?
318
00:15:10,500 --> 00:15:12,433
"I SAW IT
ON THE NEWS.
319
00:15:12,433 --> 00:15:15,100
DIED CRYING
LIKE A BITCH."
320
00:15:19,133 --> 00:15:21,867
I'LL BE DEAD,
I CAN'T DEFEND MYSELF.
321
00:15:21,867 --> 00:15:23,633
THAT'S NOT A NICE
THING TO DO,
322
00:15:23,633 --> 00:15:25,967
THAT'S NOT
A NICE THING TO DO.
323
00:15:25,967 --> 00:15:27,867
I MEAN,
IT'S A 911 TAPE.
324
00:15:27,867 --> 00:15:29,500
HOW DO THEY
EXPECT YOU TO SOUND ?
325
00:15:29,500 --> 00:15:31,266
OF COURSE,
YOU'RE GONNA BE SCARED.
326
00:15:31,266 --> 00:15:32,667
IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
327
00:15:32,667 --> 00:15:35,467
NOBODY CALLS 911
COOL AND RELAXED.
328
00:15:35,467 --> 00:15:37,266
NOW, THAT SHIT WOULD
SOUND RIDICULOUS.
329
00:15:37,266 --> 00:15:39,033
"HELLO, EMERGENCY."
330
00:15:39,033 --> 00:15:41,100
"HI !
331
00:15:41,100 --> 00:15:43,567
HEY, 911,
HOW ARE YA ?
332
00:15:44,867 --> 00:15:46,867
"YEAH, AH, LOOK,
333
00:15:46,867 --> 00:15:48,834
"THERE'S A GROUP
OF HOODED WHITE MEN
334
00:15:48,834 --> 00:15:51,633
"GATHERING
OUTSIDE OF MY HOUSE.
335
00:15:51,633 --> 00:15:54,800
AND IT LOOKS LIKE
THEY MEAN BUSINESS."
336
00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:57,066
"GET OUT HERE,
NIGGER !"
337
00:15:57,066 --> 00:16:00,200
"I GOTTA GO."
338
00:16:00,200 --> 00:16:02,567
( applause )
339
00:16:02,567 --> 00:16:05,300
"YOU GUYS
TRY AND HURRY."
340
00:16:11,934 --> 00:16:14,100
IT'S TOO MUCH PRESSURE.
341
00:16:14,100 --> 00:16:17,300
THAT'S MY PROBLEM,
I CAN'T HANDLE PRESSURE.
342
00:16:17,300 --> 00:16:20,433
SOMETIMES PRESSURE
MAKES ME TALK DIFFERENT.
343
00:16:20,433 --> 00:16:21,667
I'M SERIOUS.
344
00:16:21,667 --> 00:16:23,033
YOU EVER HAVE THAT
SOCIAL PRESSURE,
345
00:16:23,033 --> 00:16:24,500
YOU EVER TALK
TO SOMEBODY WHO'S FAKE,
346
00:16:24,500 --> 00:16:25,767
AND THEY MAKE YOU FAKE ?
347
00:16:25,767 --> 00:16:27,900
THEY COMING TO YOU LIKE,
"HEY, HOW YOU DOING ?"
348
00:16:27,900 --> 00:16:29,500
AND YOU'RE LIKE,
"FINE, HOW ARE YOU ?"
349
00:16:29,500 --> 00:16:31,433
AND YOU'RE LIKE...
350
00:16:31,433 --> 00:16:33,834
I DON'T EVEN
TALK LIKE THAT.
351
00:16:33,834 --> 00:16:35,800
I GET SICK
OF THAT SHIT.
352
00:16:35,800 --> 00:16:39,166
I DO, IT MAKES ME SICK.
353
00:16:39,166 --> 00:16:40,400
SOMETIMES,
I'LL TALK CRAZY
354
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:41,900
JUST TO MAKE MYSELF
FEEL BETTER,
355
00:16:41,900 --> 00:16:42,967
Y'ALL DO THAT ?
356
00:16:42,967 --> 00:16:44,667
YOU START
TALKING LIKE CRAZY.
357
00:16:44,667 --> 00:16:45,500
YOU EVER HEAR
THIS VOICE ?
358
00:16:45,500 --> 00:16:47,467
( Cagney voice )
"YEAH...
359
00:16:47,467 --> 00:16:50,500
THAT'S HOW BAD GUYS
USED TO TALK IN THE 40s.
360
00:16:50,500 --> 00:16:52,133
IN THE OLD DAYS.
361
00:16:52,133 --> 00:16:53,667
SEE,
I TALK LIKE THAT.
362
00:16:53,667 --> 00:16:54,967
NOT ALL THE TIME, BUT,
363
00:16:54,967 --> 00:16:56,533
IF SOMEBODY PUT
THE PRESSURE ON ME,
364
00:16:56,533 --> 00:16:58,900
FUCK IT,
I GOTTA CUT LOOSE.
365
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,200
WHEN THE POLICE PULL ME OVER,
I'LL TALK CRAZY.
366
00:17:01,200 --> 00:17:04,000
"SON, SON,
367
00:17:04,000 --> 00:17:07,934
DO YOU KNOW WHY
WE PULLED YOU OVER ?"
368
00:17:07,934 --> 00:17:11,400
( Cagney voice )
"YEAH, 'CAUSE I'M BLACK,
SEE, YEEAAAHHH !"
369
00:17:11,400 --> 00:17:13,500
( applause )
370
00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:15,367
I'LL DO IT,
371
00:17:15,367 --> 00:17:18,133
IT'S NOT ILLEGAL
TO TALK LIKE THAT.
372
00:17:18,133 --> 00:17:21,166
HOW DO THEY KNOW I DON'T
TALK LIKE THAT EVERY DAY ?
373
00:17:21,166 --> 00:17:22,400
"STOP TALKING
LIKE THAT !"
374
00:17:22,400 --> 00:17:23,700
"STOP TALKING LIKE
WHAT, 'COPPER ?!
375
00:17:23,700 --> 00:17:26,333
"HA, THAT'S
HOW I TALK, SEE ?!"
376
00:17:32,900 --> 00:17:34,900
YOU GOTTA MAKE LIFE
INTERESTING LIKE THAT,
377
00:17:34,900 --> 00:17:36,867
'CAUSE THIS SHIT
IS FLIMSY.
378
00:17:36,867 --> 00:17:38,300
LIFE IS FLIMSY.
379
00:17:38,300 --> 00:17:39,867
YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA LIVE FOREVER,
380
00:17:39,867 --> 00:17:41,800
BUT YOU'RE NOT
GONNA LIVE FOREVER.
381
00:17:41,800 --> 00:17:44,300
IT'S DANGEROUS OUT HERE,
WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON.
382
00:17:44,300 --> 00:17:46,166
I TRAVEL, NOW,
YOU KNOW.
383
00:17:46,166 --> 00:17:48,133
I USED TO THINK D.C.
HAD THE ROUGHEST GHETTOS
384
00:17:48,133 --> 00:17:49,433
IN THE COUNTRY.
385
00:17:49,433 --> 00:17:51,867
NO, NIGGER, UH-UH.
386
00:17:51,867 --> 00:17:54,066
I HAVE SEEN
SOME SHIT NOW.
387
00:17:56,100 --> 00:17:58,533
OH, THERE'S SOME ROUGH,
ROUGH AREAS
388
00:17:58,533 --> 00:18:01,066
OUTSIDE OF D.C.
389
00:18:01,066 --> 00:18:03,300
EVERYBODY SHOULD
GO TO THE GHETTO.
390
00:18:03,300 --> 00:18:04,934
I WAS TAKEN
TO THE GHETTO ONE TIME,
391
00:18:04,934 --> 00:18:06,367
AND THAT'S THE WORST.
392
00:18:06,367 --> 00:18:08,333
WHEN YOU GET TAKEN AND
YOU'RE NOT EXPECTING TO GO.
393
00:18:08,333 --> 00:18:11,166
USUALLY, YOU WANNA KNOW WHEN
YOU'RE GOING TO THE GHETTO,
394
00:18:11,166 --> 00:18:12,800
LIKE, I'M GONNA
SEE SOME WILD SHIT,
395
00:18:12,800 --> 00:18:13,867
I GOTTA
PREPARE MYSELF.
396
00:18:13,867 --> 00:18:15,500
I'M GONNA SEE
SOMETHING CRAZY.
397
00:18:15,500 --> 00:18:17,400
WHEN YOU'RE TAKEN,
IT'S DIFFERENT.
398
00:18:17,400 --> 00:18:20,667
I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,
IT WAS AFTER A SHOW,
399
00:18:20,667 --> 00:18:21,900
IT WAS LATE AT NIGHT,
400
00:18:21,900 --> 00:18:23,300
IT WAS LIKE
THREE IN THE MORNING,
401
00:18:23,300 --> 00:18:24,600
I HAD A LIMOUSINE DRIVER,
402
00:18:24,600 --> 00:18:26,033
HE WAS A NICE GUY,
TALKING TO ME AND SHIT.
403
00:18:26,033 --> 00:18:27,734
"OH, HEY, WHERE
YOU FROM, DOG ?
404
00:18:27,734 --> 00:18:31,200
"D.C., WORD ?
405
00:18:31,200 --> 00:18:33,467
THAT'S A ROUGH
CITY, MAN."
406
00:18:33,467 --> 00:18:35,533
AND THE CELL PHONE
STARTED RINGING,
407
00:18:35,533 --> 00:18:36,967
"HOLD ON, ONE SECOND.
408
00:18:36,967 --> 00:18:38,533
"HELLO ?
409
00:18:38,533 --> 00:18:40,734
"OH, WHAT'S UP,
NIGGER, WHAT ?
410
00:18:40,734 --> 00:18:43,066
"SLOW DOWN,
WHAT THE FUCK ?
411
00:18:43,066 --> 00:18:45,100
"NO, NO... !
412
00:18:45,100 --> 00:18:49,000
NO, FUCK THAT, NIGGER,
FUCK IT, I'M ON MY WAY !"
413
00:18:49,000 --> 00:18:51,100
( wild applause )
414
00:18:55,900 --> 00:18:57,800
"HEY...
415
00:18:57,800 --> 00:19:02,066
"I GOTTA MAKE
A STOP REAL QUICK."
416
00:19:02,066 --> 00:19:03,800
AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING,
417
00:19:03,800 --> 00:19:05,633
I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS TAKING ME
TO THE GHETTO AT FIRST.
418
00:19:05,633 --> 00:19:07,100
I STARTED LOOKING
OUT THE WINDOW,
419
00:19:07,100 --> 00:19:08,500
I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK ?"
420
00:19:08,500 --> 00:19:10,066
"GUN STORE, GUN STORE,
LIQUOR STORE, GUN STORE...
421
00:19:10,066 --> 00:19:12,600
"WHERE THE FUCK
YOU TAKING ME ?!
422
00:19:12,600 --> 00:19:15,133
THIS DON'T LOOK GOOD."
423
00:19:15,133 --> 00:19:17,000
HE DIDN'T SAY SHIT.
424
00:19:17,000 --> 00:19:18,934
HE JUST PULLED UP IN FRONT
OF AN OLD, RICKETY BUILDING
425
00:19:18,934 --> 00:19:21,166
THAT LOOKED
LIKE A PROJECT.
426
00:19:21,166 --> 00:19:22,600
NOW, I'D NEVER
BEEN THERE BEFORE,
427
00:19:22,600 --> 00:19:24,333
I'M NOT SURE IF IT
WAS A PROJECT, BUT,
428
00:19:24,333 --> 00:19:26,633
IT CERTAINLY HAD
ALL THE FAMILIAR SYMPTOMS
429
00:19:26,633 --> 00:19:28,700
OF A PROJECT.
430
00:19:28,700 --> 00:19:31,433
A FUCKIN' CRACK-HEAD
RAN THIS WAY...
431
00:19:31,433 --> 00:19:33,467
( laughter )
432
00:19:37,400 --> 00:19:40,333
AND THEN ANOTHER ONE
JUMPED OUT OF A TREE AND SHIT.
433
00:19:43,533 --> 00:19:46,200
THE DRIVER SAID,
"I'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
434
00:19:46,200 --> 00:19:47,633
AND LEFT ME,
435
00:19:47,633 --> 00:19:49,667
TOOK THE KEYS WITH HIM
AND JUST LEFT ME.
436
00:19:49,667 --> 00:19:51,667
AT 3:00
IN THE MORNING,
437
00:19:51,667 --> 00:19:54,767
IN FRONT OF A PROJECT
IN A FUCKIN' LIMOUSINE !
438
00:19:54,767 --> 00:19:58,100
THIS WAS NOT GOOD.
439
00:19:58,100 --> 00:20:00,100
I WAS LIKE, "MAN,
I GOTTA LOOK AROUND
440
00:20:00,100 --> 00:20:01,667
"AND SEE IF I CAN SEE
SOME LANDMARKS
441
00:20:01,667 --> 00:20:03,900
"AND FIGURE OUT
WHERE I'M AT.
442
00:20:03,900 --> 00:20:05,567
I'M GONNA HAVE TO
ESCAPE ON FOOT."
443
00:20:07,433 --> 00:20:09,266
NOW, THIS IS WHEN I KNEW
I WAS IN A BAD NEIGHBORHOOD.
444
00:20:09,266 --> 00:20:11,633
YOU ONLY SEE THIS
IN THE WORST NEIGHBORHOODS.
445
00:20:11,633 --> 00:20:14,266
REMEMBER, IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING.
446
00:20:14,266 --> 00:20:16,633
I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,
447
00:20:16,633 --> 00:20:20,700
THERE WAS A FUCKIN' BABY
STANDIN' ON THE CORNER !
448
00:20:24,066 --> 00:20:26,000
THERE WAS !
449
00:20:28,900 --> 00:20:31,800
AND THE BABY DIDN'T
EVEN LOOK SCARED,
450
00:20:31,800 --> 00:20:33,700
HE WAS JUST
STANDING THERE.
451
00:20:40,967 --> 00:20:43,900
I MEAN, IT MADE ME SAD,
IT MADE ME SAD, IT REALLY DID.
452
00:20:43,900 --> 00:20:45,900
YOU KNOW, BECAUSE
I WANTED TO HELP THE BABY.
453
00:20:45,900 --> 00:20:50,100
"HMM, I DON'T TRUST
YOU EITHER, SORRY !"
454
00:20:53,467 --> 00:20:57,200
THE OLD
BABY-ON-THE-CORNER
TRICK, EH ?
455
00:20:57,200 --> 00:21:00,266
I'M NOT GONNA FALL
FOR THAT SHIT.
456
00:21:00,266 --> 00:21:04,000
WHERE'S THIS
LIMOUSINE DRIVER ?
457
00:21:04,000 --> 00:21:05,233
YOU KNOW,
I START FEELING BAD.
458
00:21:05,233 --> 00:21:08,066
AS TIME GOES BY,
I START FEELING WORSE.
459
00:21:08,066 --> 00:21:09,433
MAN, WHAT IS
WRONG WITH ME ?
460
00:21:09,433 --> 00:21:12,166
I'M SCARED
OF A BABY.
461
00:21:12,166 --> 00:21:13,734
AND THIS BABY
COULD BE IN TROUBLE,
462
00:21:13,734 --> 00:21:15,233
HE MIGHT NEED
MY HELP.
463
00:21:15,233 --> 00:21:16,967
I GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
464
00:21:16,967 --> 00:21:19,533
BUT, I WASN'T GONNA
GET OUT OF THE CAR.
465
00:21:19,533 --> 00:21:22,200
I'M SERIOUS, MAN,
466
00:21:22,200 --> 00:21:24,033
I JUST CRACKED
THE WINDOW A LITTLE BIT.
467
00:21:26,867 --> 00:21:29,567
IT WAS AN OLD LIMOUSINE,
I CAN ROLL IT DOWN.
468
00:21:38,433 --> 00:21:40,600
"HEY, BABY !
469
00:21:40,600 --> 00:21:42,133
"BABY, GO HOME, MAN.
470
00:21:42,133 --> 00:21:43,500
"IT'S 3:00
IN THE MORNING.
471
00:21:43,500 --> 00:21:45,633
WHAT THE FUCK
ARE YOU DOING UP ?!"
472
00:21:48,500 --> 00:21:50,400
THE BABY SAID,
"I'M SELLING WEED, NIGGER !"
473
00:21:50,400 --> 00:21:52,333
I SAID, "OH, SHIT !"
474
00:21:52,333 --> 00:21:54,734
( loud applause and laughter )
475
00:21:57,400 --> 00:21:59,600
I WASN'T
EXPECTING THAT !
476
00:22:02,800 --> 00:22:04,667
I'M SERIOUS, I HAD TO BUY
TWO BAGS FROM HIM
477
00:22:04,667 --> 00:22:06,734
TO CALM MY NERVES.
478
00:22:09,400 --> 00:22:12,200
I GOT BACK IN THE CAR
AND ROLLED ME A JOINT, MAN.
479
00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:14,133
THAT SHIT WAS
SCARY, MAN,
480
00:22:14,133 --> 00:22:15,500
AND EVERY
ONCE IN A WHILE,
481
00:22:15,500 --> 00:22:16,834
A CRACK-HEAD WOULD
COME UP TO THE CAR
482
00:22:16,834 --> 00:22:18,000
AND LOOK
IN THE WINDOW.
483
00:22:18,000 --> 00:22:19,200
IT WAS LIKE
"JURASSIC PARK" AND SHIT,
484
00:22:19,200 --> 00:22:21,800
HE'D BE LOOKING
IN THE CAR...
485
00:22:21,800 --> 00:22:24,300
I SAID,
"GET OUTTA HERE, CRACKIE !"
486
00:22:28,400 --> 00:22:30,567
THAT BABY WAS STILL
STANDING THERE, MAN.
487
00:22:30,567 --> 00:22:33,133
THEN I STARTED
FEELING BAD AGAIN.
488
00:22:33,133 --> 00:22:35,400
YOU KNOW HOW WEED MAKE
YOU FEEL GUILTY SOMETIMES ?
489
00:22:35,400 --> 00:22:37,000
"MAN, WHAT IS
WRONG WITH ME ?
490
00:22:37,000 --> 00:22:39,967
MAN, I HAVE JUST BOUGHT
WEED FROM AN INFANT."
491
00:22:39,967 --> 00:22:42,867
I CAN'T CONDONE
THIS KIND OF BEHAVIOR.
492
00:22:42,867 --> 00:22:44,100
WHAT AM I THINKING ?
493
00:22:44,100 --> 00:22:47,367
I CAN'T LET THE FEAR
RUIN MY MORALS.
494
00:22:47,367 --> 00:22:49,667
GOTTA DO SOMETHING.
495
00:22:56,700 --> 00:23:00,667
"HEY, BABY, STOP
SELLING WEED, ALRIGHT ?
496
00:23:00,667 --> 00:23:02,900
YOU GOT YOUR WHOLE
LIFE AHEAD OF YOU."
497
00:23:02,900 --> 00:23:05,100
HE SAID, "FUCK YOU, NIGGER,
I GOT KIDS TO FEED !"
498
00:23:05,100 --> 00:23:07,600
I WAS LIKE,
"GOD-DAMN !"
499
00:23:12,467 --> 00:23:14,500
SAD !
500
00:23:16,834 --> 00:23:18,233
AND, JUST AT
THAT VERY MOMENT,
501
00:23:18,233 --> 00:23:20,266
A CRACK-HEAD
WAS RUNNING ACROSS THE STREET
502
00:23:20,266 --> 00:23:22,066
AND GOT HIT
BY A CAR.
503
00:23:22,066 --> 00:23:23,967
NOW, I KNOW
IT WAS A HIT-AND-RUN.
504
00:23:23,967 --> 00:23:25,967
THE POLICE DID IT.
505
00:23:25,967 --> 00:23:27,900
THAT'S ALRIGHT,
506
00:23:27,900 --> 00:23:30,200
THEY SPRINKLED SOME CRACK
ON HIM AND HE GOT BACK UP !
507
00:23:30,200 --> 00:23:32,567
( applause )
508
00:23:37,500 --> 00:23:39,500
YOU KNOW, I'D BE SEEIN'
THAT KINDA SHIT, MAN.
509
00:23:39,500 --> 00:23:42,333
THEY USE THE TV
TO PROGRAM US,
510
00:23:42,333 --> 00:23:44,266
FROM A YOUNG AGE.
511
00:23:44,266 --> 00:23:46,100
YOU EVER WATCH
LIKE, A CARTOON,
512
00:23:46,100 --> 00:23:47,567
THAT YOU USED TO WATCH
WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE,
513
00:23:47,567 --> 00:23:49,066
AS AN ADULT ?
514
00:23:49,066 --> 00:23:50,734
THAT SHIT IS
SOME WILD SHIT.
515
00:23:50,734 --> 00:23:53,033
I MEAN, LIKE,
I WAS WITH MY NEPHEW,
516
00:23:53,033 --> 00:23:54,834
WE WERE SITTING THERE,
WE WERE WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU,
517
00:23:54,834 --> 00:23:56,667
I SAID, "NOW,
PAY ATTENTION TO THIS GUY
518
00:23:56,667 --> 00:23:58,367
"'CAUSE HE'S FUNNY.
519
00:23:58,367 --> 00:24:00,300
I USED TO WATCH HIM
WHEN I WAS LITTLE."
520
00:24:00,300 --> 00:24:03,200
AND I'M WATCHING PEPE LEPIEU,
BUT, I'M OLD NOW.
521
00:24:03,200 --> 00:24:04,767
I'M LOOKIN' AT HIM LIKE,
"GOOD, GOD !
522
00:24:04,767 --> 00:24:06,633
WHAT KIND OF FUCKIN'
RAPIST IS THIS GUY ?!"
523
00:24:06,633 --> 00:24:08,533
LIKE,
"TAKE IT EASY, PEPE !!"
524
00:24:10,800 --> 00:24:12,800
MY NEPHEW WAS SITTING THERE,
CRACKING UP.
525
00:24:12,800 --> 00:24:14,400
( laughter )
526
00:24:14,400 --> 00:24:16,633
"SEE, SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA
TAKE THE PUSSY, LIKE PEPE !"
527
00:24:16,633 --> 00:24:19,700
I'M LIKE,
"NO, NO, NO,
528
00:24:19,700 --> 00:24:21,633
NO !"
529
00:24:21,633 --> 00:24:24,233
I HAD TO TURN THE CHANNEL
REAL QUICK.
530
00:24:27,533 --> 00:24:29,300
I TURNED ON
"SESAME STREET".
531
00:24:29,300 --> 00:24:31,200
I SAID, "WHEW !
SESAME STREET.
532
00:24:31,200 --> 00:24:32,633
"THIS IS MUCH BETTER
533
00:24:32,633 --> 00:24:35,100
'CAUSE NOW HE'LL LEARN
HOW TO COUNT AND SPELL."
534
00:24:35,100 --> 00:24:36,767
BUT, NOW I'M WATCHING IT,
AS AN ADULT,
535
00:24:36,767 --> 00:24:39,867
AND I REALIZED "SESAME STREET"
TEACHES KIDS OTHER THINGS.
536
00:24:39,867 --> 00:24:42,333
IT TEACHES KIDS
HOW TO JUDGE PEOPLE,
537
00:24:42,333 --> 00:24:44,734
AND LABEL PEOPLE,
THAT'S RIGHT.
538
00:24:44,734 --> 00:24:47,533
THEY GOT A CHARACTER
ON THERE NAMED, OSCAR.
539
00:24:47,533 --> 00:24:50,233
THEY TREAT
THIS GUY LIKE SHIT,
540
00:24:50,233 --> 00:24:52,633
THE ENTIRE SHOW.
541
00:24:52,633 --> 00:24:55,133
THEY JUDGE HIM
RIGHT IN HIS FACE.
542
00:24:55,133 --> 00:24:57,166
"OSCAR,
YOU ARE SO MEAN.
543
00:24:57,166 --> 00:24:58,834
ISN'T HE KIDS ?"
544
00:24:58,834 --> 00:25:02,834
"YEAH, OSCAR,
YOU'RE A GROUCH !"
545
00:25:02,834 --> 00:25:05,867
HE'S LIKE, "BITCH, I LIVE
IN A FUCKIN' TRASH CAN !
546
00:25:09,567 --> 00:25:12,900
"I'M THE POOREST MOTHERFUCKER
ON "SESAME STREET" !
547
00:25:12,900 --> 00:25:15,400
NOBODY'S HELPING ME."
548
00:25:15,400 --> 00:25:17,133
THEN YOU WONDER WHY
YOUR KIDS ROLL UP
549
00:25:17,133 --> 00:25:18,533
AND STEP OVER
HOMELESS PEOPLE.
550
00:25:18,533 --> 00:25:20,266
"GET IT TOGETHER,
GROUCH."
551
00:25:21,834 --> 00:25:23,967
"GET A JOB, GROUCH."
552
00:25:25,567 --> 00:25:28,033
SO, DON'T EVEN TELL ME
HOW TO GET TO "SESAME STREET",
553
00:25:28,033 --> 00:25:29,567
THAT IS
A TERRIBLE PLACE.
554
00:25:29,567 --> 00:25:31,934
I WOULDN'T GO THERE
IF I KNEW THE WAY.
555
00:25:31,934 --> 00:25:33,934
WHO WOULD WANNA LIVE
IN A NEIGHBORHOOD LIKE THAT ?
556
00:25:33,934 --> 00:25:37,100
FUCKIN' SIX FOOT
PIGEONS WALKING AROUND,
557
00:25:37,100 --> 00:25:40,200
AND AN ELEPHANT
THAT'S A JUNKIE.
558
00:25:40,200 --> 00:25:43,066
"HI, BIRD."
559
00:25:43,066 --> 00:25:45,867
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT,
SNUFFY !
560
00:25:45,867 --> 00:25:49,767
"HI, BIRD, I'M SICK,
I NEED SOME SMACK, BIRD !"
561
00:25:51,633 --> 00:25:53,867
THE COOKIE MONSTER,
562
00:25:53,867 --> 00:25:55,533
WITH HIS EYES
POPPING OUT OF HIS HEAD,
563
00:25:55,533 --> 00:25:58,066
SCREAMIN', "COOKIE,
COOKIE, COOKIE !"
564
00:25:58,066 --> 00:26:00,233
WHAT KIND OF COOKIES
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT ?!
565
00:26:00,233 --> 00:26:02,800
CHOCOLATE CHIPS
DON'T DO THAT TO PEOPLE.
566
00:26:02,800 --> 00:26:06,734
AND THEY HAVE THE NERVE
TO PUT A PIMP ON THERE.
567
00:26:06,734 --> 00:26:10,433
THEY DIDN'T COME OUT
AND SAY, HE'S A PIMP.
568
00:26:10,433 --> 00:26:12,700
BUT, I KNOW A PIMP
WHEN I SEE ONE.
569
00:26:12,700 --> 00:26:14,967
THEY CALLED HIM,
"THE COUNT".
570
00:26:16,233 --> 00:26:18,767
HE HAS A CAPE
AND EVERYTHING.
571
00:26:18,767 --> 00:26:20,600
YOU CAN JUST
SEE HIM PIMPIN'.
572
00:26:20,600 --> 00:26:22,633
"BITCH,
WHERE IS MY MONEY ?
573
00:26:22,633 --> 00:26:25,100
"YOU'VE BEEN
LATE FOUR TIMES,
574
00:26:25,100 --> 00:26:27,100
"I'VE BEEN COUNTING.
575
00:26:27,100 --> 00:26:31,767
"HOW MANY TIMES MUST I SMACK YOU
BEFORE YOU ACT RIGHT ?
576
00:26:31,767 --> 00:26:34,033
"ONE, TWO !
577
00:26:34,033 --> 00:26:37,433
TWO SMACKS... !"
578
00:26:37,433 --> 00:26:40,066
( wild applause and laughter )
579
00:26:50,633 --> 00:26:53,133
THAT'S THE THING, THERE'S
SO MUCH STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT.
580
00:26:53,133 --> 00:26:54,633
YOU KNOW,
THE MORE YOU KNOW,
581
00:26:54,633 --> 00:26:56,533
THE MORE YOU DON'T KNOW,
AND SHIT.
582
00:26:56,533 --> 00:26:58,967
YOU KNOW, LIKE A LOT
OF PEOPLE BE TELLING ME,
583
00:26:58,967 --> 00:27:00,834
"DAVE, YOU KNO
YOU JUST GOTTA RELAX,
584
00:27:00,834 --> 00:27:03,033
THE RACISM THING IS
BUGGIN' YOU TOO MUCH."
585
00:27:03,033 --> 00:27:04,734
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT,
SOMETIMES, SHIT'LL HAPPEN.
586
00:27:04,734 --> 00:27:06,600
YOU KNOW A LOT OF BLACK PEOPLE
CAN RELATE TO THIS.
587
00:27:06,600 --> 00:27:08,100
HAVE YOU EVER HAD
SOMETHING HAPPEN
588
00:27:08,100 --> 00:27:09,300
THAT WAS SO RACIST,
589
00:27:09,300 --> 00:27:10,834
THAT YOU DIDN'T
EVEN GET MAD ?
590
00:27:10,834 --> 00:27:12,934
YOU WERE JUST LIKE,
"GODAMN, THAT WAS RACIST !"
591
00:27:14,633 --> 00:27:17,900
I MEAN, IT WAS SO BLATANT,
YOU WERE JUST LIKE, "WOW !"
592
00:27:17,900 --> 00:27:20,066
LIKE IT DIDN'T EVEN
HAPPEN TO YOU,
593
00:27:20,066 --> 00:27:21,934
IT WAS LIKE
A FUCKING MOVIE.
594
00:27:21,934 --> 00:27:24,367
LIKE YOU WAS WATCHING
"MISSISSIPPI BURNING",
595
00:27:24,367 --> 00:27:28,567
"WOW, THAT HAPPENED TO ME,
I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI."
596
00:27:28,567 --> 00:27:30,333
I WAS IN MISSISSIPPI,
DOIN' A SHOW,
597
00:27:30,333 --> 00:27:33,100
AND I GO TO A RESTAURANT
TO ORDER SOME FOOD,
598
00:27:33,100 --> 00:27:37,000
AND, I SAY TO THE GUY,
"I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE... "
599
00:27:37,000 --> 00:27:39,433
AND BEFORE I EVEN FINISH
MY SENTENCE, HE SAYS,
600
00:27:39,433 --> 00:27:41,567
"THE CHICKEN !"
601
00:27:41,567 --> 00:27:43,433
I WAS LIKE,
"WHAT THE FUCK ?!"
602
00:27:46,100 --> 00:27:48,567
I COULD NOT BELIEVE IT.
603
00:27:48,567 --> 00:27:50,367
COULD NOT
BELIEVE THAT SHIT.
604
00:27:50,367 --> 00:27:53,266
THIS MAN WAS
ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
605
00:27:53,266 --> 00:27:55,467
I SAID,
"HOW DID HE KNOW,
606
00:27:55,467 --> 00:27:58,467
THAT I WAS GONNA
GET SOME CHICKEN ?"
607
00:27:58,467 --> 00:28:02,066
I ASKED HIM, I SAID,
"HOW DO YOU KNOW THAT ?
608
00:28:02,066 --> 00:28:05,233
HOW'D YOU KNOW I WAS GONNA
GET SOME CHICKEN ?"
609
00:28:05,233 --> 00:28:07,266
HE LOOKED AT ME
LIKE I WAS CRAZY.
610
00:28:07,266 --> 00:28:09,633
"COME ON BUDDY,
COME ON BUDDY.
611
00:28:09,633 --> 00:28:12,600
"NOW, EVERYBODY KNEW,
AS SOON AS YOU WALKED THROUGH
612
00:28:12,600 --> 00:28:14,300
"THE GODDAMNED DOOR,
613
00:28:14,300 --> 00:28:16,667
"YOU WERE GONNA
GET SOME CHICKEN.
614
00:28:16,667 --> 00:28:18,333
"IT IS NO SECRET
DOWN HERE
615
00:28:18,333 --> 00:28:20,600
"THAT BLACKS
AND CHICKENS
616
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:23,467
ARE QUITE FOND
OF ONE ANOTHER."
617
00:28:27,166 --> 00:28:29,100
THEN I FINALLY UNDERSTOOD
WHAT HE WAS SAYING,
618
00:28:29,100 --> 00:28:30,734
AND I GOT UPSET.
619
00:28:30,734 --> 00:28:33,066
I WASN'T EVEN MAD,
I WAS JUST UPSET.
620
00:28:33,066 --> 00:28:35,500
I WASN'T READY
TO HEAR THAT SHIT.
621
00:28:35,500 --> 00:28:38,900
ALL THESE YEARS,
I THOUGHT I LIKED CHICKEN
622
00:28:38,900 --> 00:28:41,867
'CAUSE IT WAS DELICIOUS.
623
00:28:41,867 --> 00:28:46,667
TURNS OUT I'M GENETICALLY
PREDISPOSED TO LIKING CHICKEN !
624
00:28:46,667 --> 00:28:49,333
BECAUSE I'M BLACK.
625
00:28:52,200 --> 00:28:54,433
I GOT NO SAY
IN THE MATTER.
626
00:28:54,433 --> 00:28:56,100
THAT GUY RUINED
CHICKEN FOR ME.
627
00:28:56,100 --> 00:28:57,567
NOW I'M SCARED
TO EAT IT IN PUBLIC.
628
00:28:57,567 --> 00:29:00,233
I DON'T WANT SOMEBODY
TO SEE ME AND SAY...
629
00:29:00,233 --> 00:29:01,867
YOU KNOW, YOU'D BE
EATING SOME CHICKEN...
630
00:29:09,533 --> 00:29:11,767
"LOOK AT HIM.
631
00:29:11,767 --> 00:29:13,934
"HE LOVES IT !
632
00:29:16,600 --> 00:29:19,767
"JUST LIKE IT SAID
IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA.
633
00:29:19,767 --> 00:29:22,133
LOOK HOW HAPPY
HE LOOKS."
634
00:29:29,266 --> 00:29:31,767
SOMETIMES, THIS WORLD
IS TOO MUCH TO DEAL WITH.
635
00:29:31,767 --> 00:29:33,567
LIKE, SHOW BUSINESS
BE CRAZY.
636
00:29:33,567 --> 00:29:35,667
THAT'S WHERE THE CULTURES
REALLY COLLIDE.
637
00:29:35,667 --> 00:29:38,000
SHOW BUSINESS BRINGS
A LOT OF RACES TOGETHER.
638
00:29:38,000 --> 00:29:40,166
SOMETIMES IT WORKS,
SOMETIMES IT DON'T.
639
00:29:40,166 --> 00:29:41,734
THIS IS ONE THING
THAT HAPPENS THAT'S FUNNY.
640
00:29:41,734 --> 00:29:43,300
YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES,
I'LL BE ON A BUSINESS CALL,
641
00:29:43,300 --> 00:29:45,700
LIKE WITH A LAWYER
OR SOMETHING,
642
00:29:45,700 --> 00:29:47,834
AND, YOU KNOW,
MY LAWYERS BE WHITE, AND...
643
00:29:50,800 --> 00:29:52,667
WE'LL BE ON
A CALL, RIGHT ?
644
00:29:52,667 --> 00:29:54,066
AND,
THEY'LL BE LIKE,
645
00:29:54,066 --> 00:29:56,166
"OH, OKAY, DAVE,
WE'RE GONNA CLOSE THE DEAL,
646
00:29:56,166 --> 00:29:57,533
IS THAT FINE WITH YOU ?"
647
00:29:57,533 --> 00:29:58,767
I'D BE LIKE, "YEAH,
THAT'S COOL FOR ME."
648
00:29:58,767 --> 00:30:00,934
"GREAT, GREAT, YOU HAVE
A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."
649
00:30:00,934 --> 00:30:02,934
I'D BE LIKE, "ALRIGHT,
YOU TOO, MAN, PEACE."
650
00:30:02,934 --> 00:30:05,433
"WELL, ALRIGHT,
BYE-BYE."
651
00:30:05,433 --> 00:30:07,133
( laughter )
652
00:30:11,867 --> 00:30:14,500
THEY DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, RIGHT ?
653
00:30:14,500 --> 00:30:17,667
SO, SOMETIMES,
I'LL MAKE UP SHIT
654
00:30:17,667 --> 00:30:19,400
THAT'S NOT EVEN SLANG,
655
00:30:19,400 --> 00:30:21,934
JUST TO SEE HOW
THEY HANDLE IT AND SHIT.
656
00:30:21,934 --> 00:30:23,333
THE SAME BUSINESS CALL,
657
00:30:23,333 --> 00:30:24,567
"ALRIGHT, WE'RE GONNA
CLOSE THE DEAL,
658
00:30:24,567 --> 00:30:25,667
IS THAT FINE
WITH YOU, DAVE ?"
659
00:30:25,667 --> 00:30:26,700
"YEAH, IT SOUNDS
GOOD TO ME."
660
00:30:26,700 --> 00:30:28,667
"GREAT, YOU HAVE
A GOOD WEEKEND, DAVE."
661
00:30:28,667 --> 00:30:31,100
"ALRIGHT, BUDDY,
ZIP IT UP,
662
00:30:31,100 --> 00:30:33,300
AND ZIP IT OUT !"
663
00:30:33,300 --> 00:30:35,734
"UHH...
664
00:30:35,734 --> 00:30:39,500
ALRIGHT,
ZIPPITY-DO-DAH,
BYE-BYE !"
665
00:30:49,166 --> 00:30:53,133
SOMETIMES RACISM WORKS OUT
IN BLACK PEOPLE'S FAVOR.
666
00:30:53,133 --> 00:30:54,900
YEAH, IT DOESN'T
HAPPEN OFTEN.
667
00:30:54,900 --> 00:30:56,333
IT HAPPENS VERY RARELY.
668
00:30:56,333 --> 00:30:59,867
BUT, WHEN IT HAPPENS,
IT IS FUCKIN' SWEET.
669
00:31:04,734 --> 00:31:06,767
I'M SERIOUS.
670
00:31:06,767 --> 00:31:09,166
THIS ONE TIME, RACISM
SAVED MY LIFE, MAN.
671
00:31:09,166 --> 00:31:10,734
I WAS ON A PLANE...
672
00:31:13,834 --> 00:31:17,333
I WAS COMING
FROM OVERSEAS, AND,
673
00:31:17,333 --> 00:31:20,367
I DON'T KNOW HOW THIS GUY GOT
A MACHINE GUN ON THE PLANE,
674
00:31:20,367 --> 00:31:22,133
BUT, HE STOOD UP MAN,
HE SAID,
675
00:31:22,133 --> 00:31:23,367
( Pakistani accent )
"EVERYBODY,
676
00:31:23,367 --> 00:31:25,266
"GET ON
THE FUCKING GROUND !
677
00:31:25,266 --> 00:31:27,967
NOBODY LOOK
AT MY FACE !"
678
00:31:27,967 --> 00:31:30,467
I STARTED
FREAKING OUT.
679
00:31:30,467 --> 00:31:32,166
'CAUSE HE WAS CHINESE,
680
00:31:32,166 --> 00:31:34,567
I WAS LIKE, WHY IS
HE TALKING LIKE THAT ?
681
00:31:38,300 --> 00:31:40,667
HE WAS SCREAMING
AND CRYING.
682
00:31:40,667 --> 00:31:43,000
I WAS THE ONLY
BROTHER ON THE PLANE.
683
00:31:43,000 --> 00:31:44,367
WELL, I THOUGHT
I WAS THE ONLY BROTHER.
684
00:31:44,367 --> 00:31:45,900
I LOOKED OVER,
THERE WAS ONE OTHER BLACK DUDE.
685
00:31:45,900 --> 00:31:47,333
HE WAS FROM
NIGERIA.
686
00:31:47,333 --> 00:31:50,200
I LOOKED OVER AND HE WAS LOOKIN'
RIGHT AT MY FACE, MAN.
687
00:31:50,200 --> 00:31:51,433
HE DIDN'T SAY
TWO WORDS TO ME,
688
00:31:51,433 --> 00:31:53,633
HE JUST LOOKED AT ME,
HE WAS LIKE...
689
00:31:56,600 --> 00:31:59,700
HE DIDN'T NEED TO TALK,
I KNEW JUST WHAT
HE WAS TALKING ABOUT,
690
00:31:59,700 --> 00:32:01,533
I LOOKED RIGHT BACK AT HIM.
691
00:32:05,300 --> 00:32:07,700
SOME WHITE DUDES ON THE
FRONT OF THE PLANE SEEN US,
692
00:32:07,700 --> 00:32:09,834
THEY WERE LIKE,
"HUH, OH, MY GOD !
693
00:32:12,900 --> 00:32:15,900
( whispering )
I THINK THOSE BLACK GUYS
ARE GONNA TRY TO SAVE US."
694
00:32:19,734 --> 00:32:21,567
"MM-MMM !"
695
00:32:21,567 --> 00:32:23,667
( applause )
696
00:32:25,767 --> 00:32:28,033
WE WERE JUST
COMMUNICATIN'
697
00:32:28,033 --> 00:32:31,166
THAT WE UNDERSTOOD
THE SITUATION.
698
00:32:31,166 --> 00:32:33,300
WE WERE BOTH SEEING
THE SAME THING.
699
00:32:33,300 --> 00:32:35,266
WHAT WE UNDERSTOOD
WAS SIMPLE.
700
00:32:35,266 --> 00:32:38,233
TERRORISTS DON'T
TAKE BLACK HOSTAGES.
701
00:32:41,467 --> 00:32:43,333
THAT'S THE TRUTH.
702
00:32:43,333 --> 00:32:45,533
I HAVE YET TO SEE
ONE OF US ON THE NEWS
703
00:32:45,533 --> 00:32:48,066
READING THE
HOSTAGE LETTER.
704
00:32:50,467 --> 00:32:53,166
"THEY IS TREATING US GOOD.
705
00:32:53,166 --> 00:32:56,533
"UH, WE ALL
CHILLIN' AND SHIT.
706
00:32:56,533 --> 00:32:58,700
"I'D LIKE TO GIVE
A SHOUT-OUT
707
00:32:58,700 --> 00:33:00,700
TO RAY-RAY
AND BIG STEVE... "
708
00:33:00,700 --> 00:33:02,967
( wild applause )
709
00:33:09,800 --> 00:33:12,066
YOU'RE NOT
GONNA SEE IT.
710
00:33:12,066 --> 00:33:13,767
TERRORISTS ARE SMART.
711
00:33:13,767 --> 00:33:15,700
THEY KNOW WHAT THEY'RE
DOING THERE, YOU KNOW ?
712
00:33:15,700 --> 00:33:17,233
THEY'RE TERRORISTS.
713
00:33:17,233 --> 00:33:20,066
THEY KNOW BLACK PEOPLES
ARE BAD BARGAINING CHIPS.
714
00:33:24,400 --> 00:33:25,834
THEY CALLED
THE WHITE HOUSE,
715
00:33:25,834 --> 00:33:29,133
"HELLO, WE HAVE
GOT FIVE BLACK...
716
00:33:29,133 --> 00:33:30,834
HELLO ?!"
717
00:33:41,567 --> 00:33:43,200
BACK IN D.C.,
718
00:33:43,200 --> 00:33:44,633
YOU KNOW WHAT
I WAS THINKING ?
719
00:33:44,633 --> 00:33:46,200
THIS IS AN
ELECTION YEAR,
720
00:33:46,200 --> 00:33:47,767
I'M ASKING YOU,
YOU'RE A WHITE GUY,
721
00:33:47,767 --> 00:33:49,934
DO YOU KNOW WHO
YOU'RE VOTING FOR YET ?
722
00:33:49,934 --> 00:33:51,934
DON'T KNOW,
DO YOU ?
723
00:33:51,934 --> 00:33:53,200
NOW, YOU SEE THAT ?
724
00:33:53,200 --> 00:33:55,066
YOU SEE WHAT JUST
HAPPENED HERE ?
725
00:33:55,066 --> 00:33:57,567
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING,
THAT IS CULTURAL THING.
726
00:33:57,567 --> 00:33:59,967
HE KNOWS WHO
HE'S GONNA VOTE FOR,
727
00:33:59,967 --> 00:34:01,500
HE'S JUST NOT
GONNA TELL ME.
728
00:34:03,533 --> 00:34:05,700
SEE...
729
00:34:05,700 --> 00:34:10,367
I'VE NOTICED THAT,
THAT IS A CULTURAL THING.
730
00:34:10,367 --> 00:34:13,066
WHITE PEOPLE
DO NOT LIKE TO TALK ABOUT
731
00:34:13,066 --> 00:34:14,767
THEIR POLITICAL
AFFILIATIONS.
732
00:34:14,767 --> 00:34:16,200
IT'S A SECRET.
733
00:34:16,200 --> 00:34:17,400
DID YOU EVER ASK A WHITE GUY
WHO HE'S VOTING FOR ?
734
00:34:17,400 --> 00:34:19,433
"HEY, BOB, WHO ARE YOU
GONNA VOTE FOR ?"
735
00:34:19,433 --> 00:34:22,467
"DAVE, DAVE,
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA,
736
00:34:22,467 --> 00:34:26,900
"TAKE IT EASY NOW,
TAKE IT EASY.
737
00:34:28,000 --> 00:34:31,467
"SO, ANYWAY, I WAS FUCKING
MY WIFE IN HER ASS, RIGHT ?
738
00:34:31,467 --> 00:34:34,767
AND, I MEAN,
IT WAS SOMETHING ELSE."
739
00:34:34,767 --> 00:34:37,800
"YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
BUT, WHO ARE YOU VOTING FOR ?"
740
00:34:37,800 --> 00:34:41,100
"DAVE, DAVE, COME ON
WITH THE VOTING.
741
00:34:41,100 --> 00:34:42,500
"I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU ABOUT
FUCKING MY WIFE HERE,
742
00:34:42,500 --> 00:34:45,066
AND YOU'RE ASKING ME
ALL THESE PERSONAL QUESTIONS."
743
00:34:47,767 --> 00:34:50,834
THEY DON'T LIKE
TO DIVULGE THAT INFORMATION
744
00:34:50,834 --> 00:34:52,767
'CAUSE IT MATTERS
TO THEM.
745
00:34:52,767 --> 00:34:54,066
BLACK PEOPLE
TALK ABOUT THAT SHIT.
746
00:34:54,066 --> 00:34:55,600
BLACK PEOPLE WILL
OPENLY TALK ABOUT POLITICS.
747
00:34:55,600 --> 00:34:57,133
BLACK PEOPLE
WILL OPENLY TALK ABOUT
748
00:34:57,133 --> 00:34:58,900
BEATING UP
POLITICIANS AND SHIT.
749
00:34:58,900 --> 00:35:01,266
"IF I SEE GEORGE BUSH,
I'LL KICK HIS MOTHERFUCKIN' ASS
750
00:35:01,266 --> 00:35:03,867
FOR CUTTING
MY MEDICAID !"
751
00:35:10,133 --> 00:35:11,967
WELL, WE JUST SAY IT.
752
00:35:11,967 --> 00:35:13,300
BUT, THERE'S
A REASON FOR THAT,
753
00:35:13,300 --> 00:35:15,433
'CAUSE IT MATTERS MORE,
IT MATTERS MORE.
754
00:35:15,433 --> 00:35:17,367
SEE, EVEN WHEN
I VOTE, RIGHT ?
755
00:35:17,367 --> 00:35:19,567
WHICH I DON'T, BUT...
756
00:35:19,567 --> 00:35:22,533
BUT, EVEN WHEN I THINK ABOUT
WHO I WOULD VOTE FOR,
757
00:35:22,533 --> 00:35:24,567
RIGHT ?
758
00:35:24,567 --> 00:35:27,233
I DON'T EVEN LOOK AT
THEIR POLITICAL POLICIES.
759
00:35:27,233 --> 00:35:29,667
I JUST LOOK
AT THEIR CHARACTER.
760
00:35:29,667 --> 00:35:32,233
YOU KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING NOW ?
761
00:35:32,233 --> 00:35:37,300
NO, I'M SERIOUS, YOU GOTTA
READ BETWEEN THE LINES.
762
00:35:37,300 --> 00:35:40,333
YOU LOOK AT CLINTON,
AND BLACK PEOPLE LIKE CLINTON.
763
00:35:40,333 --> 00:35:42,467
I SAW ONE THING
ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,
764
00:35:42,467 --> 00:35:44,834
HE ACTUALLY JUST
PICKED A BLACK BABY UP...
765
00:35:44,834 --> 00:35:46,567
"COME HERE,
YOU LITTLE NIGGER BABY."
766
00:35:46,567 --> 00:35:48,333
AND JUST KISSED HIM.
767
00:35:48,333 --> 00:35:52,367
I SAID, "UM-HMM,
I LIKE THAT."
768
00:35:52,367 --> 00:35:55,600
HE DID NOT HESITATE
OR NOTHING.
769
00:35:55,600 --> 00:35:58,900
YOU SEE GEORGE BUSH,
HE'D BE LIKE, "EWWW !"
770
00:36:08,500 --> 00:36:10,767
LIKE, SEE, I'D NEVER
VOTE FOR GEORGE BUSH Jr.,
771
00:36:10,767 --> 00:36:13,433
BUT I DON'T KNOW
GEORGE BUSH Jr.'s POLITICS.
772
00:36:13,433 --> 00:36:15,333
THE ONLY THING I KNOW ABOUT
GEORGE BUSH Jr. IS,
773
00:36:15,333 --> 00:36:18,266
THAT GUY SNIFFED COCAINE,
THAT'S RIGHT.
774
00:36:18,266 --> 00:36:19,667
NOW, LISTEN,
775
00:36:19,667 --> 00:36:21,734
WE CANNOT HAVE THAT SHIT
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
776
00:36:21,734 --> 00:36:23,533
THAT MIGHT BE FINE
FOR A MAYOR,
777
00:36:23,533 --> 00:36:25,800
BUT, GODAMMIT,
NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE !
778
00:36:25,800 --> 00:36:28,333
NOT IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
779
00:36:28,333 --> 00:36:30,500
( laughter )
780
00:36:32,600 --> 00:36:34,600
YOU KNOW
WHAT I'M SAYING ?
781
00:36:37,400 --> 00:36:40,767
THE STAKES ARE TOO HIGH
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
782
00:36:40,767 --> 00:36:43,600
CAN'T HANDLE NO COKE-HEAD
PRESIDENT, UH-UH.
783
00:36:43,600 --> 00:36:45,266
HE'D BE SELLING
NUCLEAR SECRETS
784
00:36:45,266 --> 00:36:48,000
FOR $20, $30 AND SHIT.
785
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,667
HE'D BE IN MEETINGS
EMBARRASSING AMERICA.
786
00:36:51,667 --> 00:36:56,033
"C'MON, SIGN
THE TREATY, BABY.
787
00:36:56,033 --> 00:36:59,133
I'LL SUCK YOUR DICK !"
788
00:37:01,934 --> 00:37:03,934
"MR. PRESIDENT !
789
00:37:07,133 --> 00:37:09,200
"MR. PRESIDENT,
790
00:37:09,200 --> 00:37:13,266
"THAT IS NOT HOW
WE DO BUSINESS HERE, SIR.
791
00:37:13,266 --> 00:37:16,066
STOP SUCKING
THE AMBASSADOR'S DICK."
792
00:37:17,767 --> 00:37:20,000
"NO, LET HIM FINISH.
793
00:37:24,700 --> 00:37:27,467
"I WILL
SIGN THE TREATY.
794
00:37:27,467 --> 00:37:31,000
THERE BE PEACE
IN ISRAEL, FINALLY."
795
00:37:31,000 --> 00:37:33,667
I'D VOTE FOR CLINTON
AGAIN, IF I COULD.
796
00:37:40,233 --> 00:37:43,533
NOW AGAIN, I'M NOT
LOOKING AT HIS POLITICS.
797
00:37:43,533 --> 00:37:45,767
I DON'T KNOW
WHAT HIS POLITICS ARE.
798
00:37:45,767 --> 00:37:48,900
I'M JUST LOOKING
AT HIS BEHAVIOR.
799
00:37:48,900 --> 00:37:53,600
I UNDERSTAND
THAT KIND OF BEHAVIOR.
800
00:37:53,600 --> 00:37:56,233
I KNOW A LOT OF DUDES
WITH THEM SHORTCOMINGS.
801
00:37:56,233 --> 00:38:00,166
WEED-SMOKING FORNICATORS,
THERE'S A LOT OF THEM.
802
00:38:00,166 --> 00:38:02,734
I MEAN, COME ON,
NOW, LET'S BE HONEST,
803
00:38:02,734 --> 00:38:04,166
LET'S BE HONEST.
804
00:38:04,166 --> 00:38:06,967
BILL CLINTON WAS
NOT THE FIRST PRESIDENT
805
00:38:06,967 --> 00:38:08,300
TO DO WHAT HE DID.
806
00:38:08,300 --> 00:38:10,066
NOW...
807
00:38:10,066 --> 00:38:13,700
LET'S THINK
BACK FOR A MINUTE.
808
00:38:13,700 --> 00:38:16,533
REMEMBER A GUY
NAMED KENNEDY ?
809
00:38:16,533 --> 00:38:18,500
JOHN F. KENNEDY ?
REMEMBER HIM ?
810
00:38:18,500 --> 00:38:20,400
HE FUCKED
MARILYN MONROE.
811
00:38:20,400 --> 00:38:21,867
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
812
00:38:21,867 --> 00:38:25,867
HIM AND HIS BROTHER, BOBBY,
FUCKED MARILYN MONROE !
813
00:38:25,867 --> 00:38:29,633
AND HISTORY DOESN'T
TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH.
814
00:38:29,633 --> 00:38:31,567
YOU KNOW WHY HISTORY DOESN'T
TALK ABOUT THAT MUCH ?
815
00:38:31,567 --> 00:38:37,667
BECAUSE THOSE TWO PAGES
IN HISTORY ARE STUCK TOGETHER !
816
00:38:37,667 --> 00:38:39,800
THEY WAS
GETTIN' IT ON.
817
00:38:40,900 --> 00:38:42,867
THEY WERE
GETTIN' IT ON.
818
00:38:42,867 --> 00:38:45,166
I SEEN THE TAPES,
REMEMBER THE TAPES ?
819
00:38:45,166 --> 00:38:46,900
SHE'D BE SINGING
ALL NASTY AT HIS PARTY,
820
00:38:46,900 --> 00:38:48,266
STRESSIN'
HIM ALL OUT...
821
00:38:48,266 --> 00:38:51,633
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪
822
00:38:51,633 --> 00:38:55,834
♪ MR. PRESIDENT... ♪
823
00:38:55,834 --> 00:38:58,533
"BITCH,
MY FAMILY'S HERE !"
824
00:39:08,867 --> 00:39:11,066
CLINTON DID
THE SAME THING.
825
00:39:11,066 --> 00:39:13,266
BUT, HE DIDN'T
DO IT LIKE THAT
826
00:39:13,266 --> 00:39:15,066
BECAUSE,
IT'S THE YEAR 2000,
827
00:39:15,066 --> 00:39:17,166
HE'S BUSIER
THAN KENNEDY WAS.
828
00:39:17,166 --> 00:39:19,266
HE'S A BUSY MAN.
829
00:39:19,266 --> 00:39:20,767
CLINTON DID
THAT KIND OF THING
830
00:39:20,767 --> 00:39:22,834
THE WAY
BUSY MEN DO IT.
831
00:39:22,834 --> 00:39:24,100
YOU KNOW WHAT
BUSY MEN DO ?
832
00:39:24,100 --> 00:39:26,867
THEY FUCK
WHO'S CLOSE TO THEM.
833
00:39:26,867 --> 00:39:28,800
I CAN TELL THAT'S
WHAT CLINTON WAS UP TO.
834
00:39:28,800 --> 00:39:30,166
IT LOOKED LIKE
HE JUST STUCK HIS HEAD
835
00:39:30,166 --> 00:39:32,934
OUT THE OFFICE DOOR
AND SAID, "AHH, HELP !
836
00:39:34,300 --> 00:39:37,133
"YOU, YOU,
COME HERE, COME HERE !"
837
00:39:37,133 --> 00:39:39,767
( wild laughter )
838
00:39:39,767 --> 00:39:43,133
"I NEED MY PENIS SUCKED
BEFORE MY 3:30, C'MON !
839
00:39:44,500 --> 00:39:46,433
OH, BOY."
840
00:39:48,000 --> 00:39:50,066
HE WAS PROBABLY LOOKING
AT KENNEDY'S PICTURE AND SHIT...
841
00:39:58,133 --> 00:39:59,967
AND THEN,
TO TOP IT OFF,
842
00:39:59,967 --> 00:40:03,300
HE LIED, WHICH I THOUGHT,
I THOUGHT THAT WAS SPECIAL.
843
00:40:05,233 --> 00:40:08,100
I DID MAN,
I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.
844
00:40:08,100 --> 00:40:10,100
I'VE BEEN ACCUSED
OF HAVING SEX
845
00:40:10,100 --> 00:40:12,500
WITH A GIRL
I DID NOT HAVE SEX WITH BEFORE,
846
00:40:12,500 --> 00:40:13,834
AND LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING,
847
00:40:13,834 --> 00:40:16,200
THAT SHIT
IS INFURIATING.
848
00:40:16,200 --> 00:40:18,233
YOU EVER GO THROUGH THAT ?
IT'LL MAKE YOU CRAZY.
849
00:40:18,233 --> 00:40:19,700
YOU'LL BE SCREAMING
AT YOUR BEST FRIENDS,
850
00:40:19,700 --> 00:40:21,100
"I DIDN'T TOUCH THAT BITCH,
NIGGER, I'LL KILL YOU !
851
00:40:21,100 --> 00:40:23,066
"FUCK YOU, NIGGER,
I'LL KILL YOU !
852
00:40:23,066 --> 00:40:24,867
"PLEASE BELIEVE ME !
853
00:40:24,867 --> 00:40:27,500
PLEASE
BELIEVE ME !"
854
00:40:32,767 --> 00:40:35,033
CLINTON DIDN'T DO IT
LIKE THAT, DID HE ?
855
00:40:35,033 --> 00:40:36,734
CLINTON CAME OUT
OF THE PRESS CONFERENCE,
856
00:40:36,734 --> 00:40:39,033
ALL RELAXED,
SHOULDERS ALL RELAXED,
857
00:40:39,033 --> 00:40:40,500
IN ALL THIS TROUBLE.
858
00:40:40,500 --> 00:40:42,533
LOOKED LIKE HE JUST GOT DONE
FUCKING OR SOMETHING.
859
00:40:46,467 --> 00:40:49,867
"LISTEN, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING, AMERICA.
860
00:40:49,867 --> 00:40:53,800
"I DON'T THINK YOU
HEARD ME THE FIRST TIME.
861
00:40:57,233 --> 00:41:02,834
"I DID NOT HAVE
SEXUAL RELATIONS
862
00:41:02,834 --> 00:41:05,900
"WITH THAT WOMAN...
863
00:41:05,900 --> 00:41:07,533
MISS LEWINSKY."
864
00:41:12,533 --> 00:41:14,433
YOU KNOW
HE DID IT !
865
00:41:15,900 --> 00:41:17,800
YOU KNOW HE DID IT !
866
00:41:23,133 --> 00:41:25,133
EVERYBODY KNOW WHAT
THAT FINGER SMELLED LIKE.
867
00:41:25,133 --> 00:41:27,767
NOBODY CARES,
NOBODY CARES.
868
00:41:27,767 --> 00:41:29,967
WE ALL WATCH.
869
00:41:29,967 --> 00:41:32,300
WE WAS DISGUSTED, BUT,
WE KEPT WATCHING THE NEWS.
870
00:41:32,300 --> 00:41:34,266
I KNOW I DID,
I WAS TAPING IT.
871
00:41:34,266 --> 00:41:36,667
I WAS IN THE CRIB,
I WAS LIKE,
872
00:41:36,667 --> 00:41:37,734
"BABY, TURN
THE LIGHTS OFF,
873
00:41:37,734 --> 00:41:39,567
THE NEWS
IS COMING ON."
874
00:41:40,633 --> 00:41:41,934
EVERY WEEK
ON "60 MINUTES",
875
00:41:41,934 --> 00:41:43,700
IT WAS A DIFFERENT GIRL
ACCUSING CLINTON.
876
00:41:43,700 --> 00:41:45,934
REMEMBER WHEN
KATHLEEN WILLEY CAME OUT ?
877
00:41:45,934 --> 00:41:48,133
SHE WAS UPSET,
"THE PRESIDENT
878
00:41:48,133 --> 00:41:51,400
"CALLED ME
INTO HIS OFFICE.
879
00:41:51,400 --> 00:41:54,567
"HE BEGAN...
880
00:41:54,567 --> 00:41:57,934
"MASSAGING MY BREASTS
SLOWLY...
881
00:41:57,934 --> 00:41:59,700
"I'M SORRY.
882
00:42:04,367 --> 00:42:07,100
"AND THEN
HE PLACED MY HAND,
883
00:42:07,100 --> 00:42:09,700
ON HIS GENITALS."
884
00:42:13,033 --> 00:42:15,266
ED BRADLEY WAS SHOCKED,
"OHHH !"
885
00:42:17,867 --> 00:42:19,967
"WAS HE AROUSED ?"
886
00:42:23,333 --> 00:42:27,100
I WAS AT HOME, LIKE,
"YEAH, WAS HE AROUSED ?"
887
00:42:33,100 --> 00:42:35,333
AND THEN ED BRADLEY
LOOKED RIGHT IN THE CAMERA,
888
00:42:35,333 --> 00:42:38,800
HE SAID,
"DON'T BUST THAT NUT YET,
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK."
889
00:42:43,233 --> 00:42:47,033
OH, MAN, THE NEWS
HAD NEVER BEEN SO GOOD.
890
00:42:47,033 --> 00:42:50,100
BUT, THERE WERE NO VICTIMS,
THERE WERE NO VICTIMS.
891
00:42:50,100 --> 00:42:53,033
THE ONLY ONE
I FEEL SORRY FOR IS LEWINSKY,
892
00:42:53,033 --> 00:42:54,233
I FEEL A LITTLE
SORRY FOR HER.
893
00:42:54,233 --> 00:42:55,900
DON'T Y'ALL FEEL A LITTLE
SORRY FOR HER AT ALL ?
894
00:42:55,900 --> 00:42:57,367
( audience )
NO !!
895
00:42:57,367 --> 00:42:59,900
GODAMN,
Y'ALL COME ON NOW.
896
00:42:59,900 --> 00:43:01,200
HAVE A HEART,
897
00:43:01,200 --> 00:43:03,266
THAT'S A HARD THING
TO BE FAMOUS FOR, MAN.
898
00:43:03,266 --> 00:43:05,900
NOBODY WANTS TO BE
THE MOST FAMOUS COCKSUCKER
899
00:43:05,900 --> 00:43:07,800
OF ALL TIMES
AND SHIT !
900
00:43:10,934 --> 00:43:12,367
I FEEL BAD FOR HER.
901
00:43:12,367 --> 00:43:14,867
NOT EVEN THE WOMEN
FEEL SORRY FOR HER, LADIES ?
902
00:43:14,867 --> 00:43:16,300
( women )
NO !
903
00:43:16,300 --> 00:43:17,734
NOW THAT'S JEALOUSY.
904
00:43:20,166 --> 00:43:22,333
THAT'S WHAT THAT IS.
905
00:43:22,333 --> 00:43:24,500
I MEAN, C'MON,
THAT'S ONE DICK
906
00:43:24,500 --> 00:43:26,066
THAT GIRL SUCKED
THAT'S GONNA HAUNT HER
907
00:43:26,066 --> 00:43:28,533
FOR THE REST
OF HER LIFE.
908
00:43:28,533 --> 00:43:30,100
LONG AFTER SHE SPENT
THAT MONEY UP,
909
00:43:30,100 --> 00:43:32,266
THAT'S STILL
GONNA HAUNT HER.
910
00:43:32,266 --> 00:43:33,800
I KNOW THERE'S
A LOT OF WOMEN IN HERE
911
00:43:33,800 --> 00:43:36,700
WITH AT LEAST
ONE DICK THEY REGRET.
912
00:43:36,700 --> 00:43:39,700
AND I BETCHA
IT WASN'T THE PRESIDENT'S DICK.
913
00:43:39,700 --> 00:43:41,400
I BETCHA HE WORKED
AT KINNEY SHOES
914
00:43:41,400 --> 00:43:43,533
OR SAFEWAY
OR SOME SHIT LIKE THAT !
915
00:43:45,000 --> 00:43:48,333
DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER,
DON'T GO JUDGIN' HER.
916
00:43:50,133 --> 00:43:52,333
SEE, WE GOTTA
STOP JUDGIN' PEOPLE.
917
00:43:52,333 --> 00:43:54,800
THAT GIRL WAS YOUNG,
AND SHE MADE A MISTAKE
918
00:43:54,800 --> 00:43:56,700
THAT YOUNG GIRLS MAKE.
919
00:43:56,700 --> 00:43:59,533
SHE WANTED TO FUCK
A POWERFUL MAN, PERIOD,
920
00:43:59,533 --> 00:44:01,066
THAT'S AS FAR
AS SHE THOUGHT THROUGH.
921
00:44:01,066 --> 00:44:03,166
SHE WASN'T THINKING ABOUT
HOW POWERFUL THE PRESIDENT WAS.
922
00:44:03,166 --> 00:44:04,667
SHE HAD NO WISDOM.
923
00:44:04,667 --> 00:44:06,333
AN OLDER WOMAN
WOULD'VE HELPED EVERYBODY.
924
00:44:06,333 --> 00:44:07,767
AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD
HAVE BEEN IN THERE,
925
00:44:07,767 --> 00:44:10,066
"YOU KNOW,
YOU SHOULD LOWER TAXES."
926
00:44:10,066 --> 00:44:11,834
( slurping noises )
927
00:44:17,567 --> 00:44:20,734
AN OLDER WOMAN WOULD'VE
SUCKED US INTO UTOPIA !
928
00:44:22,667 --> 00:44:24,967
THE LAST THING I'M GONNA
SAY ABOUT IT IS THIS,
929
00:44:24,967 --> 00:44:27,700
THAT HE IS
A FAMOUS MAN.
930
00:44:27,700 --> 00:44:29,533
I HAVE DREAMT
OF BEING FAMOUS, BUT,
931
00:44:29,533 --> 00:44:32,367
I NEVER DREAMT
OF BEING THAT FAMOUS.
932
00:44:32,367 --> 00:44:34,400
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD
HOW FAMOUS A PRESIDENT WAS,
933
00:44:34,400 --> 00:44:36,533
BUT, IMAGINE IF SOMEBODY
COULD SUCK YOUR DICK
934
00:44:36,533 --> 00:44:37,834
AND THEN THEY'RE FAMOUS !
935
00:44:37,834 --> 00:44:39,333
YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING ?
936
00:44:41,367 --> 00:44:42,567
THAT'S CRAZY.
937
00:44:44,767 --> 00:44:46,367
THAT'S CRAZY.
938
00:44:47,533 --> 00:44:49,800
I MEAN, NO GUY
EVER THOUGHT OF THAT.
939
00:44:49,800 --> 00:44:51,400
THERE'S NOBODY
WITH A PICK-UP LINE
940
00:44:51,400 --> 00:44:53,200
THAT GOOD AND SHIT.
941
00:44:53,200 --> 00:44:54,934
"HEY, SUCK MY DICK,
THERE'S A FUTURE IN IT."
942
00:44:54,934 --> 00:44:56,333
"WHAT ?"
943
00:44:56,333 --> 00:44:57,467
"OH, THAT'S IT,
944
00:44:57,467 --> 00:44:59,533
"NOW GET OUT THERE
AND BE SOMEBODY !
945
00:44:59,533 --> 00:45:02,133
"GO WRITE A BOOK.
946
00:45:02,133 --> 00:45:05,767
YOU'RE A QUALIFIED AUTHOR NOW,
GO WRITE A BOOK."
947
00:45:07,433 --> 00:45:09,900
I'M IN THE WRONG BUSINESS,
I SHOULD BE THE PRESIDENT,
948
00:45:09,900 --> 00:45:12,567
SHIT, I'M IN
THE WRONG BUSINESS.
949
00:45:12,567 --> 00:45:14,066
SEE, THE ONLY REASON
I DON'T WANT TO BE PRESIDENT
950
00:45:14,066 --> 00:45:15,333
IS 'CAUSE I'M BLACK.
951
00:45:15,333 --> 00:45:17,166
THAT WOULD MAKE IT
TOO HOT FOR ME.
952
00:45:17,166 --> 00:45:20,266
I MEAN THERE COULD BE
A BLACK PRESIDENT ONE DAY,
953
00:45:20,266 --> 00:45:22,800
BUT, YOU DON'T WANT
TO BE THE FIRST ONE.
954
00:45:22,800 --> 00:45:24,100
I MEAN, THE SECOND
OR THIRD, THAT'S FINE,
955
00:45:24,100 --> 00:45:25,800
BUT, THAT FIRST NIGGER
BETTER WATCH OUT.
956
00:45:25,800 --> 00:45:27,834
I'M GONNA TELL
YOU THAT RIGHT NOW.
957
00:45:27,834 --> 00:45:29,767
TOO HOT.
958
00:45:29,767 --> 00:45:31,233
I MEAN, I'D BE
THE FIRST BLACK PRESIDENT,
959
00:45:31,233 --> 00:45:34,233
I DON'T THINK THAT NOBODY
WOULD REALLY, REALLY HURT ME.
960
00:45:34,233 --> 00:45:36,133
I'M SURE SOMEBODY
WOULD WANNA HURT ME, BUT,
961
00:45:36,133 --> 00:45:37,700
I DON'T THINK
THEY'D TOUCH ME...
962
00:45:39,133 --> 00:45:43,200
'CAUSE MY VICE PRESIDENT
WOULD BE MEXICAN
963
00:45:43,200 --> 00:45:45,000
FOR A LITTLE
INSURANCE.
964
00:45:47,433 --> 00:45:49,300
KNOW WHAT
I'M SAYING ?
965
00:45:49,300 --> 00:45:51,233
YOU CAN SHOOT ME
IF YOU WANT,
966
00:45:51,233 --> 00:45:54,133
BUT, YOU'RE JUST GONNA
OPEN THE BORDER UP, SO,
967
00:45:54,133 --> 00:45:55,834
YOU MIGHT
AS WELL LEAVE ME
968
00:45:55,834 --> 00:45:59,100
AND VICE PRESIDENT SANTIAGO
TO OUR OWN DEVICES.
969
00:45:59,100 --> 00:46:01,000
"AIN'T THAT RIGHT,
SANTIAGO ?"
970
00:46:01,000 --> 00:46:03,800
"Sí, Sí !
971
00:46:07,667 --> 00:46:10,066
ELIAN CAN STAY !"
972
00:46:12,834 --> 00:46:14,333
DON'T WORRY,
DON'T WORRY,
973
00:46:14,333 --> 00:46:16,633
I DON'T GOT
NO ELIAN JOKES.
974
00:46:16,633 --> 00:46:18,900
ALL I'LL SAY ABOUT ELIAN
IS THANK GOD HE'S CUBAN.
975
00:46:18,900 --> 00:46:20,834
'CAUSE
IF HE WAS HAITIAN,
976
00:46:20,834 --> 00:46:23,367
YOU WOULD'VE NEVER
HEARD ABOUT HIS ASS !
977
00:46:25,133 --> 00:46:27,967
UH-UH...
978
00:46:27,967 --> 00:46:32,800
IF ELIAN GONZALEZ
WAS ELIAN MAMUMBO
979
00:46:32,800 --> 00:46:34,967
FROM HAITI,
980
00:46:34,967 --> 00:46:36,533
THEY WOULDA PUSHED
THAT LITTLE RUBBER TUBE
981
00:46:36,533 --> 00:46:37,700
RIGHT BACK
INTO THE WATER.
982
00:46:37,700 --> 00:46:39,567
"SORRY, FELLA,
ALL FULL.
983
00:46:39,567 --> 00:46:41,400
GOOD LUCK."
984
00:46:44,600 --> 00:46:47,100
THE ONLY THING IN OUR SOCIETY
THAT BOTHERS ME THE MOST,
985
00:46:47,100 --> 00:46:49,000
IS THE WAY
THAT MEN AND WOMEN
986
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:51,033
DON'T GET ALONG
NO MORE.
987
00:46:51,033 --> 00:46:53,333
THAT'S REALLY
WHAT'S BUGGING ME ABOUT IT.
988
00:46:53,333 --> 00:46:56,400
MEN AND WOMEN
JUST DON'T GET ALONG.
989
00:46:56,400 --> 00:46:57,867
LIKE, I HEAR WOMEN
SAY THIS ALL THE TIME.
990
00:46:57,867 --> 00:46:59,000
I KNOW A LOT OF YOU SISTERS
WILL BE LIKE,
991
00:46:59,000 --> 00:47:00,567
"CHIVALRY IS DEAD."
992
00:47:00,567 --> 00:47:01,934
DON'T YA ALL
FEEL THAT WAY ?
993
00:47:01,934 --> 00:47:04,100
LIKE MEN AREN'T
GENTLEMEN ANYMORE ?
994
00:47:04,100 --> 00:47:05,967
THAT'S RIGHT,
995
00:47:05,967 --> 00:47:09,533
CHIVALRY IS DEAD,
AND WOMEN KILLED IT.
996
00:47:18,166 --> 00:47:20,200
THERE'S A FUNDAMENTAL
DIFFERENCE
997
00:47:20,200 --> 00:47:22,000
IN THE WAY WE'RE
GONNA SEE THINGS.
998
00:47:22,000 --> 00:47:23,600
WE'RE NOT GONNA SEE
EYE-TO-EYE ON THIS ISSUE,
999
00:47:23,600 --> 00:47:25,433
WE'RE JUST NOT.
1000
00:47:25,433 --> 00:47:27,700
OUR TESTS IN LIFE
ARE DIFFERENT.
1001
00:47:27,700 --> 00:47:31,066
A WOMEN'S TEST IN LIFE
IS MATERIAL.
1002
00:47:31,066 --> 00:47:35,200
A MAN'S TEST IN LIFE
IS A WOMAN.
1003
00:47:35,200 --> 00:47:39,066
NOW, BY TESTS,
I MEAN THAT THOSE ARE THE THINGS
1004
00:47:39,066 --> 00:47:40,767
THAT WE DESIRE.
1005
00:47:40,767 --> 00:47:42,600
MEN HAVE NICE CARS.
1006
00:47:42,600 --> 00:47:44,433
NOT 'CAUSE
THEY LIKE NICE CARS,
1007
00:47:44,433 --> 00:47:47,300
BECAUSE THEY KNOW
WOMEN LIKE NICE CARS.
1008
00:47:51,133 --> 00:47:53,667
THAT'S HOW IT GOES.
1009
00:47:53,667 --> 00:47:58,200
'CAUSE MEN ARE HUNTERS
AND THE CAR'S THE BAIT.
1010
00:47:58,200 --> 00:48:01,266
AND A WOMAN COMES OUT
AND SAYS, "OOH, NICE PORSCHE."
1011
00:48:01,266 --> 00:48:03,066
"GOTCHA BITCH !"
1012
00:48:03,066 --> 00:48:05,400
( applause )
1013
00:48:06,834 --> 00:48:09,233
THAT'S HOW IT IS.
1014
00:48:09,233 --> 00:48:11,600
THAT'S TRUE.
1015
00:48:11,600 --> 00:48:13,433
C'MON, NOW, YOU GO
TO A WOMAN'S HOUSE
1016
00:48:13,433 --> 00:48:15,567
HER HOUSE'LL BE
COMFORTABLE AS SHIT.
1017
00:48:15,567 --> 00:48:17,300
WOMEN LOVE COMFORTABLE
SURROUNDINGS,
1018
00:48:17,300 --> 00:48:19,100
SO, MEN GET
COMFORTABLE SURROUNDINGS.
1019
00:48:19,100 --> 00:48:20,633
BUT, LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING.
1020
00:48:20,633 --> 00:48:22,000
IF A MAN COULD FUCK A WOMAN
IN A CARDBOARD BOX,
1021
00:48:22,000 --> 00:48:24,033
HE WOULDN'T
BUY A HOUSE.
1022
00:48:27,200 --> 00:48:30,700
BUT, THAT'S STILL NOT
WHERE CHIVALRY GOT KILLED.
1023
00:48:30,700 --> 00:48:33,934
CHIVALRY GOT KILLED
BY THE FEMINIST MOVEMENT
1024
00:48:33,934 --> 00:48:36,900
ON THE MAGAZINES
THAT GOT WOMEN GOING CRAZY.
1025
00:48:36,900 --> 00:48:39,633
BECAUSE WOMEN GOT
TOO MUCH ADVICE ABOUT MEN
1026
00:48:39,633 --> 00:48:41,700
FROM OTHER WOMEN.
1027
00:48:41,700 --> 00:48:44,600
AND THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT
THE FUCK THEY'RE TALKING ABOUT.
1028
00:48:52,100 --> 00:48:53,900
IT'S TRUE.
1029
00:48:53,900 --> 00:48:55,300
I SEE THIS SHIT
IN THE MAGAZINES.
1030
00:48:55,300 --> 00:48:58,066
I DON'T READ 'EM, BUT,
I BE SEEIN' THE COVER.
1031
00:48:58,066 --> 00:48:59,667
I'LL BE IN
THE GROCERY STORE,
1032
00:48:59,667 --> 00:49:01,667
FELLAS, YOU LOOKING
AT MAGAZINES, "WHAT IS THIS ?"
1033
00:49:01,667 --> 00:49:03,133
AND IT SAYS
ON THE COVER,
1034
00:49:03,133 --> 00:49:05,166
"100 WAYS
TO PLEASE YOUR MAN",
1035
00:49:05,166 --> 00:49:06,567
BY SOME LADY.
1036
00:49:09,300 --> 00:49:11,700
GET OUTTA HERE,
NOW, C'MON.
1037
00:49:11,700 --> 00:49:14,300
AIN'T NO 100 WAYS,
THAT LIST IS FOUR THINGS LONG.
1038
00:49:14,300 --> 00:49:15,800
JUST, SUCK HIS DICK,
PLAY WITH HIS BALLS,
1039
00:49:15,800 --> 00:49:18,800
FIX HIM A SANDWICH,
AND, DON'T TALK SO MUCH !
1040
00:49:18,800 --> 00:49:21,000
AND THEY'RE
GONNA BE HAPPY !
1041
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:22,800
YEAH.
1042
00:49:29,867 --> 00:49:33,133
AND THEN THE MAGAZINE'S
TRICK THE WOMEN.
1043
00:49:33,133 --> 00:49:36,400
THE MAGAZINE'S START
PICKING AT YOUR SELF-ESTEEM.
1044
00:49:36,400 --> 00:49:38,033
EVERY PAGE
YOU TURN,
1045
00:49:38,033 --> 00:49:40,500
YOU START FEELING FATTER
AND UGLIER,
1046
00:49:40,500 --> 00:49:42,633
AND YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR CLOTHES
AREN'T GOOD ENOUGH.
1047
00:49:42,633 --> 00:49:44,767
AND THE MAGAZINES
HAVE YOU FORGETTING
1048
00:49:44,767 --> 00:49:46,500
HOW FUCKING
BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.
1049
00:49:46,500 --> 00:49:47,600
AND THAT'S
WHAT HAPPENS.
1050
00:49:47,600 --> 00:49:48,734
NOW, LOOK
WHAT HAPPENS...
1051
00:49:48,734 --> 00:49:50,567
( applause )
1052
00:49:50,567 --> 00:49:53,400
AND THEN YOU FORGET
HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE,
1053
00:49:53,400 --> 00:49:54,700
AND WE ALL SUFFER.
1054
00:49:54,700 --> 00:49:56,200
IF PUSSY WAS A STOCK,
1055
00:49:56,200 --> 00:49:58,066
IT WOULD BE
PLUMMETING RIGHT NOW
1056
00:49:58,066 --> 00:50:00,033
BECAUSE YOU FLOODED
THE MARKET WITH IT,
1057
00:50:00,033 --> 00:50:02,400
YOU'RE GIVING IT AWAY
TOO EASY.
1058
00:50:02,400 --> 00:50:04,900
I'M JUST
BEING TRUTHFUL.
1059
00:50:07,166 --> 00:50:09,033
I'M JUST TALKING.
1060
00:50:09,033 --> 00:50:11,533
IT WOULD PLUMMET.
1061
00:50:11,533 --> 00:50:13,934
YOU'D BE WATCHING
THE NEWS,
1062
00:50:13,934 --> 00:50:15,400
"TODAY, PUSSY
PLUMMETED AGAIN
1063
00:50:15,400 --> 00:50:17,800
"ON THE NASDAQ.
1064
00:50:20,367 --> 00:50:22,900
GOLD IS UP 10 POINTS."
1065
00:50:24,633 --> 00:50:27,400
YOU CAN SEE IT,
YOU EVER HAVE THIS HAPPEN ?
1066
00:50:27,400 --> 00:50:28,934
THIS IS HOW
CONFUSING IT IS.
1067
00:50:28,934 --> 00:50:30,567
THIS IS THE PRACTICAL
APPLICATION
1068
00:50:30,567 --> 00:50:31,800
OF WHAT
I'M TALKIN' ABOUT.
1069
00:50:31,800 --> 00:50:34,066
A GUY'LL BE OUT,
THIS HAPPENS TO A LOT, GUYS,
1070
00:50:34,066 --> 00:50:35,867
YOU'LL BE OUT
AT A CLUB, A BAR, RIGHT ?
1071
00:50:35,867 --> 00:50:37,200
YOU'RE JUST KICKING
WITH YOUR BOYS.
1072
00:50:37,200 --> 00:50:40,166
AND A GIRL WALKS BY,
AND, MAN, SHE LOOKS GOOD.
1073
00:50:40,166 --> 00:50:43,166
NOT GOOD IN THAT
CLASSICAL WAY.
1074
00:50:43,166 --> 00:50:46,066
I'M TALKING GOOD
LIKE,
1075
00:50:46,066 --> 00:50:48,367
SHE GOT HALF HER ASS
HANGING OUT OF HER SKIRT,
1076
00:50:48,367 --> 00:50:49,834
MMMM.
1077
00:50:49,834 --> 00:50:52,200
HER TITTIES ARE
ALL MASHED TOGETHER.
1078
00:50:52,200 --> 00:50:55,367
POPPING OUT THE TOP OF
HER TURTLENECK AND SHIT.
1079
00:51:03,400 --> 00:51:05,967
AND YOU'RE WITH
YOUR BUDDIES, RIGHT ?
1080
00:51:05,967 --> 00:51:07,533
YOU GOT A COUPLE
OF DRINKS IN YOU,
1081
00:51:07,533 --> 00:51:09,433
AND YOU SEE A GIRL AND
YOU MIGHT TRY TO TALK TO HER.
1082
00:51:09,433 --> 00:51:11,233
IT JUST MIGHT NOT
COME OUT RIGHT.
1083
00:51:11,233 --> 00:51:13,600
"DAMN, LOOK
AT THEM TITTIES !"
1084
00:51:17,400 --> 00:51:18,700
THE GIRL
GETS MAD AT YOU.
1085
00:51:18,700 --> 00:51:21,433
"OH, WAIT A MINUTE,
WAIT A MINUTE !
1086
00:51:21,433 --> 00:51:25,834
"JUST BECAUSE
I'M DRESSED THIS WAY
1087
00:51:25,834 --> 00:51:27,734
"DOES NOT...
1088
00:51:29,934 --> 00:51:32,533
MAKE ME A WHORE."
1089
00:51:34,633 --> 00:51:36,200
WHICH IS TRUE.
1090
00:51:36,200 --> 00:51:38,033
GENTLEMEN,
THAT IS TRUE.
1091
00:51:38,033 --> 00:51:39,467
JUST BECAUSE
THEY DRESS A CERTAIN WAY,
1092
00:51:39,467 --> 00:51:40,900
DOESN'T MEAN THEY
ARE A CERTAIN WAY.
1093
00:51:40,900 --> 00:51:42,333
DON'T EVER FORGET IT,
1094
00:51:42,333 --> 00:51:44,000
BUT, LADIES,
YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THAT
1095
00:51:44,000 --> 00:51:46,600
THAT IS FUCKING
CONFUSING.
1096
00:51:46,600 --> 00:51:48,867
IT JUST IS.
1097
00:51:49,734 --> 00:51:52,834
NOW, THAT WOULD BE LIKE ME,
DAVE CHAPPELLE, THE COMEDIAN,
1098
00:51:52,834 --> 00:51:55,500
WALKING AROUND THE STREETS
IN A COP UNIFORM.
1099
00:51:55,500 --> 00:51:57,467
SOMEBODY
MIGHT RUN UP ON ME.
1100
00:51:57,467 --> 00:52:00,166
"AHH, THANK GOD,
OFFICER, HELP US !
1101
00:52:00,166 --> 00:52:02,633
C'MON, THEY'RE OVER HERE,
HELP US !"
1102
00:52:02,633 --> 00:52:07,333
I'D BE, "OH, JUST BECAUSE
I'M DRESSED THIS WAY,
1103
00:52:07,333 --> 00:52:11,667
DOES NOT MAKE ME
A POLICE OFFICER !"
1104
00:52:15,433 --> 00:52:18,000
DO YOU UNDERSTAND
WHAT I'M SAYING ?
1105
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:21,900
I WAS LIKE,
"ALRIGHT LADY, FINE, FINE !
1106
00:52:21,900 --> 00:52:24,400
"YOU ARE NOT A WHORE.
1107
00:52:24,400 --> 00:52:26,834
"BUT, YOU ARE WEARING
A WHORE'S UNIFORM,
1108
00:52:26,834 --> 00:52:29,066
I'LL TELL YOU
THAT SHIT."
1109
00:52:32,567 --> 00:52:34,700
MISUNDERSTANDINGS
CAN HAPPEN.
1110
00:52:34,700 --> 00:52:37,867
AND THEN, MEN,
WE MISUNDERSTAND
WOMEN A LOT.
1111
00:52:37,867 --> 00:52:40,400
WE ALWAYS UNDERMINE
THEIR FEELINGS.
1112
00:52:40,400 --> 00:52:42,834
YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO THEM,
YOU CAN'T.
1113
00:52:42,834 --> 00:52:46,400
BECAUSE, SEE,
FEELINGS ARE...
1114
00:52:46,400 --> 00:52:50,467
FEELINGS ARE VERY
IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.
1115
00:52:50,467 --> 00:52:52,200
THEY ARE ALL
IMPORTANT TO WOMEN.
1116
00:52:52,200 --> 00:52:54,233
I'M JUST LEARNING
THIS SHIT.
1117
00:52:54,233 --> 00:52:58,200
EVERYTHING'S
BASED ON HOW THEY FEEL.
1118
00:52:58,200 --> 00:53:01,300
YOU CAN HEAR IT
WHEN THEY TELL STORIES.
1119
00:53:01,300 --> 00:53:03,300
YOU HEAR A MAN
TELL A STORY,
1120
00:53:03,300 --> 00:53:04,633
IT'LL BE JUST FACTS.
1121
00:53:04,633 --> 00:53:07,333
WHO, WHAT, WHEN,
WHERE, WHY.
1122
00:53:07,333 --> 00:53:08,800
"IT WAS ME AND BOB,
WE WAS AT SAFEWAY.
1123
00:53:08,800 --> 00:53:10,333
"AND THAT NIGGER
BOB SAID THIS,
1124
00:53:10,333 --> 00:53:12,000
"AND I PUNCHED THAT NIGGER
AND THEN I BROKE OUT.
1125
00:53:12,000 --> 00:53:14,266
THAT'S THE STORY."
1126
00:53:14,266 --> 00:53:16,300
( applause )
1127
00:53:17,967 --> 00:53:20,200
"THAT'S THE STORY."
1128
00:53:20,200 --> 00:53:22,633
WOMEN WOULD TELL THE STORY
WITH ALL THESE FEELINGS IN IT.
1129
00:53:22,633 --> 00:53:24,133
"WELL, FIRST OF ALL,
YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND,
1130
00:53:24,133 --> 00:53:26,300
"I WAS ON MY PERIOD AND
I JUST TALKED TO MY MOTHER.
1131
00:53:26,300 --> 00:53:29,467
SO, I WAS FEELING
LIKE, REALLY BAD... "
1132
00:53:29,467 --> 00:53:32,567
"WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED,
GET TO IT !"
1133
00:53:32,567 --> 00:53:34,600
BUT, THEY GOTTA
TALK ABOUT 'EM.
1134
00:53:34,600 --> 00:53:37,633
GOTTA TALK ABOUT 'EM.
1135
00:53:37,633 --> 00:53:39,333
THAT'S HOW THEY
ALWAYS GET ME.
1136
00:53:39,333 --> 00:53:41,266
I'LL BE SITTING THERE,
WATCHING TV,
1137
00:53:41,266 --> 00:53:42,967
CHILLIN' AND SHIT.
1138
00:53:42,967 --> 00:53:45,767
MY OLD LADY
COME UP TO ME.
1139
00:53:45,767 --> 00:53:47,600
"DAVID,
1140
00:53:47,600 --> 00:53:49,700
WE NEED TO TALK."
1141
00:53:51,600 --> 00:53:53,433
"FUCK !"
1142
00:53:56,633 --> 00:53:59,033
I DON'T SAY
THAT OUT LOUD.
1143
00:53:59,033 --> 00:54:02,567
THAT'S HOW
I FEEL INSIDE.
1144
00:54:02,567 --> 00:54:05,467
BECAUSE I KNOW EVERY TIME
WE NEED TO TALK,
1145
00:54:05,467 --> 00:54:09,066
WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT SOME SHIT
THAT I GOTTA DO.
1146
00:54:09,066 --> 00:54:10,834
BUT, WE DON'T EVER
GOTTA TALK ABOUT
1147
00:54:10,834 --> 00:54:12,967
ANYTHING SHE
NEEDS TO DO.
1148
00:54:21,867 --> 00:54:24,200
SHE LEAVES ME
DEFENSELESS !
1149
00:54:24,200 --> 00:54:26,600
I HAVE TO DO
WHAT I HAVE TO DO.
1150
00:54:26,600 --> 00:54:28,934
"DAVID,
WE NEED TO TALK."
1151
00:54:28,934 --> 00:54:30,967
( Cagney voice )
"AHH... "
1152
00:54:32,767 --> 00:54:35,100
"DON'T DO THAT TO ME
DAVID, THIS IS SERIOUS.
1153
00:54:35,100 --> 00:54:37,000
STOP TALKING
IN THAT VOICE."
1154
00:54:37,000 --> 00:54:38,200
( Cagney voice )
"NOW, SEE... !
1155
00:54:40,166 --> 00:54:43,100
"I GOTTA DO THIS,
SEE !!
1156
00:54:43,100 --> 00:54:45,200
AHH, SEE ?!"
1157
00:54:49,433 --> 00:54:52,166
I COMPLAIN, BUT,
I'M HAPPY I'M WITH SOMEBODY.
1158
00:54:52,166 --> 00:54:55,266
I DON'T WANNA BE SINGLE,
I DON'T LIKE THAT.
1159
00:54:55,266 --> 00:54:56,934
SOMETIMES YOU GO TO
THEM SINGLE CLUBS,
1160
00:54:56,934 --> 00:54:57,967
YOU SEE TOO MUCH.
1161
00:54:57,967 --> 00:54:59,467
I WAS ON THE ROAD,
ONE CLUB,
1162
00:54:59,467 --> 00:55:01,567
AND I SEEN A THING
THEY CALL,
1163
00:55:01,567 --> 00:55:04,033
A THONG CONTEST.
1164
00:55:04,033 --> 00:55:05,467
( male in audience )
YES !!!!
1165
00:55:08,600 --> 00:55:10,767
YEAH, I SEEN
A THONG CONTEST.
1166
00:55:10,767 --> 00:55:12,467
( male )
SCANDALOUS !
1167
00:55:12,467 --> 00:55:14,667
YEAH, THAT'S SOME
SCANDALOUS SHIT, ALRIGHT.
1168
00:55:14,667 --> 00:55:17,433
I COULDN'T
GET OVER THAT, MAN.
1169
00:55:17,433 --> 00:55:20,800
I WAS DANCING WITH A GIRL
AND THE DJ SAID,
1170
00:55:20,800 --> 00:55:22,700
"EVERYBODY THAT WANTS
TO BE IN THE THONG CONTEST
1171
00:55:22,700 --> 00:55:25,467
PLEASE REPORT
TO THE DJ BOOTH."
1172
00:55:25,467 --> 00:55:27,400
THE GIRL'S LIKE,
"EXCUSE ME !"
1173
00:55:29,567 --> 00:55:31,367
THEY PUT ON
THAT SONG,
1174
00:55:31,367 --> 00:55:34,133
♪ LET ME SEE SOME,
THONG, THONG, THONG... ♪
1175
00:55:34,133 --> 00:55:36,700
THEM GIRLS WAS
GOING OFF !
1176
00:55:36,700 --> 00:55:38,834
SOME OF THEM PULLING
THEIR PANTS DOWN,
1177
00:55:38,834 --> 00:55:40,400
SOME OF THEM PULLING
THEIR SKIRTS UP,
1178
00:55:40,400 --> 00:55:41,734
ALL OF THEM
SHAKING THEIR BUTTS.
1179
00:55:41,734 --> 00:55:43,100
SOME OF THEM
DIDN'T HAVE UNDERWEAR ON,
1180
00:55:43,100 --> 00:55:44,900
THEY WAS JUST FUCKIN'
SHAKING THEIR BUTT.
1181
00:55:44,900 --> 00:55:47,233
I MEAN,
I WAS FUCKIN' DISGUSTED,
1182
00:55:47,233 --> 00:55:49,166
BUT I COULDN'T
TURN AWAY.
1183
00:55:49,166 --> 00:55:51,333
( applause )
1184
00:55:53,400 --> 00:55:55,934
BUT, NO, PLEASE,
FOR THE SQUEAMISH,
1185
00:55:55,934 --> 00:55:57,166
JUST PLUG YOUR EARS.
1186
00:55:57,166 --> 00:55:59,533
ONE OF THE GIRLS
WAS GETTING SO INTO IT,
1187
00:55:59,533 --> 00:56:01,100
NOW THERE'S NO COPS
AROUND, RIGHT ?
1188
00:56:01,100 --> 00:56:02,800
BUT, SHE ACTUALLY,
I'M SORRY TO TELL Y'ALL THIS,
1189
00:56:02,800 --> 00:56:05,333
BUT, SHE SPREADS
HER BUTT CHEEKS OPEN,
1190
00:56:05,333 --> 00:56:08,600
IN THE MIDDLE OF
A CROWDED DISCO, RIGHT ?
1191
00:56:08,600 --> 00:56:10,867
I WAS DISGUSTED 'CAUSE I WAS
LIKE 10 YARDS AWAY FROM HER,
1192
00:56:10,867 --> 00:56:13,066
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD !"
1193
00:56:17,200 --> 00:56:20,200
IS THAT HER
BIRTH CANAL ?
1194
00:56:23,133 --> 00:56:25,133
OH, IT GETS WORSE.
1195
00:56:25,133 --> 00:56:28,100
GOOD GOD, ALMIGHTY,
IS THAT,
1196
00:56:28,100 --> 00:56:29,667
IS THAT A BABY ?
1197
00:56:31,767 --> 00:56:34,300
I KNOW THAT'S GROSS,
IT'S GROSS,
1198
00:56:34,300 --> 00:56:36,533
'CAUSE,
IT WAS A BABY.
1199
00:56:37,300 --> 00:56:39,100
IT WAS THE SAME BABY
FROM THE PROJECTS,
1200
00:56:39,100 --> 00:56:41,367
HE'S LIKE, "I SNUCK
IN THE CLUB, NIGGER !
1201
00:56:41,367 --> 00:56:43,633
"I GOT THAT WEED
IF YOU NEED ME !
1202
00:56:43,633 --> 00:56:47,934
JUST PAT HER ON THE ASS,
AND I'LL COME OUT !"
1203
00:56:49,200 --> 00:56:52,734
HEY, GUYS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
1204
00:56:52,734 --> 00:56:54,734
THANK YOU, ALL.
1205
00:56:54,734 --> 00:56:56,700
♪ ♪
1206
00:57:00,166 --> 00:57:02,266
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY MIND ♪
1207
00:57:02,266 --> 00:57:04,700
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
1208
00:57:04,700 --> 00:57:06,934
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
GO ALL OUT ♪
1209
00:57:06,934 --> 00:57:09,333
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
1210
00:57:09,333 --> 00:57:11,734
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
ACT A FOOL ♪
1211
00:57:11,734 --> 00:57:14,000
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
1212
00:57:14,000 --> 00:57:16,567
♪ Y'ALL GONNA MAKE ME
LOSE MY COOL ♪
1213
00:57:16,567 --> 00:57:20,100
♪ UP IN HERE,
UP IN HERE ♪
1214
00:57:20,100 --> 00:57:24,133
CAPTIONS COPYRIGHT 2000
HOME BOX OFFICE
1215
00:57:24,133 --> 00:57:28,033
A DIVISION OF TIME WARNER
ENTERTAINMENT COMPANY, L.P.
1216
00:57:29,200 --> 00:57:32,066
Captioned by
HBO COMMUNICATIONS CENTER
83539
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.